Battleground #12 : Battle of the Sexes (Show)

[Jonnie Valentine]

[Hardkore World founder and owner Jonathan Valentine's convertible limousine pulls up to The Speed Boat Store off of I-9 in his convertible limousine. Swans are circling in his Jacuzzi as Jonnie exits the limo]

Jonnie Valentine: (to swans) Daddy will be right back. And remember, no sex! You're both boys.

[Xavier and Rutherford honk back in agreement, but as soon as Jonnie enters The Speed Boat Store they start going at it. I mean, really going at it. Some real pent up swan erotic aggression, know what I'm saying? You can go ahead and picture it for a while, I'll give you a sec]

Jonnie Valentine: (tips his captain's hat) Salutations my good man. One speed boat please?

Monocled Salesman: Right away, sir. Any particular one?

Jonnie Valentine: Pish posh, you bothersome fellow. I haven't the time to banter about which speed boat, now give me your fastest three and wrap them up, I've got a dolphin hunt to attend!

Salesman: Yes, sir! Very good, sir.

[Jonnie hands the salesman his Mastercard black. Jonnie steps onto one of the boats in the show room. He looks around, befuddled]

Jonnie: How does one steer this contraption?

Salesman: With the wheel. It's exactly like a car, but your street is water and your tires are waves. Don't forget to drive as fast as you can, no matter the distance. That's rule one of speed boatin'.

Jonnie: Is there a sail somewhere?

Salesman: (perplexed) Um, sir?

Jonnie: Yes. You know what? I'll also need one of those boat drivers, preferably with a beard and a thousand yard stare. Can I name him Captain Ron?

Salesman: Yes, sir, (checks schedule) Kurt Russell is available for the day, but there seems to be a problem with your credit card.

Jonnie: What problem?

Salesman: It's been declined.

Jonnie: That's impossible. There's been money on that card since 2012, there's ALWAYS money on the card.

[Smash cut to Jonnie on the phone with his accountant]

Jonnie: How is there no money on the card??? How is this possible? I ran a successful wrestling company for 25 years? Wrestling promotions pay off forever!

Accountant: Jonnie, I've been trying to call you for the past year. Why haven't you taken my calls?

Jonnie: I thought you wanted to discuss Billions? Every time we talk you ask if I've seen it yet, and frankly it's stressing me out.

Accountant: And you still haven't seen Billions? How can you not have seen it?? It's the best show on TV...

Jonnie: How many times do I have to tell you I only watch shows with Zombies! Or Dragons! Or Dragon Zombies!

Accountant: Well, I was calling to say that the IRS has put a lien against you for non-payment of taxes. I would consider contacting a tax attorney immediately, and he better be good.

[Cut to Jonnie sitting at H & R Block. A young tax preparer is furrowing his brow, checking over Hardkore World's massive financial records]

H&R Block Kid: And who...who was in charge of keeping your financial statements, sir?

Jonnie: Sheryl Nowa?

H&R Block Kid: And who was she?

Jonnie: One of my wrestlers Bobby Nowa's wife/manager/intergender tag-team partner. Maybe she was his sister, I'm not sure. I caught them kissing once, but that doesn't mean anything.

H&R Block Kid: Uh huh. And she had a financial background of some sort?

Jonnie: I assumed so.

H&R Block: Uh huh, and why was that?

Jonnie: I just choose to see the best in people.

H&R Block Kid: Well it doesn't seem like she knew very much about tax shelters, fairly standard deductions...it doesn't even seem like she filed for the years of 2005 through 2008.

Jonnie: That would make sense because I think Bobby Nowa was working a pretty heavy loop with Tarrasque for the West Coast title that year.

H&R Block Kid: (not listening) Uh huh, and it seems as though all of Hardkore World's revenue streams dried up years ago? You owe the government $1.6 million dollars.

Jonnie: What?!? No, that can't be true. What about...what about the DVD sales?

H&R Block Kid: What's a DVD?

[The room starts spinning as Jonnie screams, mostly to fake a panic attack and get out of the $175 he owes H&R Block for looking at his financials. Fade to black as you hear Jonnie's dulcet tones on a podcast]

Jonnie: ...and funny story about that, Belfast wasn't even the original choice for that show.

Matt Boone: No way.

Jonnie: Oh yeah. For a long time it was Irish Rage in Fresno. Yeah, long time.

Matt Boone: That's crazy.

Jonnie: Yeah, but about 6 months before we do the show we find out IWA already has the Fresno Convention Center booked for one of their shows.

Matt Boone: So take me through that. You're on the phone, you're sitting down?

Jonnie: I think I was standing.

Matt Boone: Sick. And you find out IWA already has Fresno booked. Are you like freaking out?

Jonnie: A little. Because I think we had already sent some mailers out, the posters were made...

Matt Boone: Who's there with you?

Jonnie: It's like me, Phil...I'm sure Tum Tum was there somewhere...look, I don't want to be rude, but we've been talking about this for three hours. How long is this show?

Matt Boone: Just a couple more hours, so you find out Fresno's a No Go. What's the mood like and who says "Why don't we do it in Belfast?"

Jonnie: I booked myself on 5 of these podcasts today and I gotta hit this kid's before he has to go to bed, his Mom says it's non-negotiable. Can you just send my check to my publicist?

Matt Boone: There's no check, sir. People do podcasts for free.

Jonnie: What?? Why??

Matt Boone: People just do everything for free now. We've been broken.

Jonnie: So what will I do for money?

Matt Boone: You could get a real job. Something where you would have to pass a drug...

Jonnie: Well, you're right I guess I better start wrestling again. But Jonnie don't do nothing for free, not no more. So give me $20 so I can get to a tanning bed.

Matt Boone: I've only got $12.

Jonnie: That'll have to do.

[Timeless]

[We switch to the Chianti locker room post their match with the Hired Killers. Joey is getting a neck rub from his smoking hot wife Candice. Timeless has just showered and has two towels on, one around his waist and one draped over his shoulders, the Greek God muscles gleam in the after shower glow, and Roxylishus is taking a selfie on her phone, she has a red bikini top on and some short cut daisy dukes and looks incredible, she pushes out her breasts and clicks away.]

Roxylishus : Likes come at me.

[Timeless, Joey and Candy give her ‘the look’ but she is oblivious and keeps clicking away.]

Timeless : Another match done and dusted, another win, may as well start calling me Sir Winsalot.

Joey : Them XHF tag titles have our name all over them. I don’t give a fuck how much they want to hide behind their freaken technicalities of registering as a tag team in this joint. We creamed all comers in the ANZAC CUP!

Candice : Let them play their game and pretend it didn’t count. You know it counted, we all know it counted, all the fans saw you win the matches ... right here on the XHF Network.

Joey : If there is anything anyone knows about me, is i don’t let things sit. I call a spade a spade, and XHF, your tag team rules SUCK!

Candice : Oh well hun, you’re registered now, it’s just a matter of time until the gold is yours.

Roxylishus : (looking at her phone oblivious to what they are talking about) Do you know i now have more instagram followers than all of the Kardashians, COMBINED!

Timeless : (not listening to her) That’s good. Jade and Kim sure put up a fight Joey, i knew they would, but when push came to shove, they didn’t stand a chance against us.

Joey : Nobody does. Nobody in SWAT!

Nobody in the XH (rolls eyes) F!

Nobody in the WRESTLING WORLD!

Candice : Cheer up, we won. Let’s celebrate!

Roxylishus : WOOP! Yeah! Let’s PARTY!

[Roxylishus necks half a bottle of champa’s and then fizzes the rest, it pouring over her, her cleavage and bikini glisten like a sunset.]

Timeless : New York look out, we are going out on the town to_night!

Joey : I have a good mind for us to just start turning up at their shows and dismantle the entire XHF tag division. Knock the champs out on their own home TURF!

Candice : Don’t worry about it for now Joey, lets Party baby!

[Candice kisses Joey on the neck while still massaging him and he relaxes, a big smile coming over his face, who wouldn’t.]

Roxylishus : Did you guys hear what Wildcat Lynn Brewster said about me? That i am everything that is WRONG with wrestling. That delusional cow. You should kick her ass for that Timeless!

Timeless : Consider it done.

Roxylishus : And when you do, she is going to eat this!

[Roxylishus crotch chops herself.]

Roxylishus : One split splash sandwich for her!

Joey : (laughing) She will be the envy of the wrestling world, for the first time ever in her miserable life.

Timeless : Whoever wins that title match tonight, i want! Which means, Brewster will have to wait i am afraid, but she is on the list.

Joey : Our list gets bigger every day! Just like our bank accounts!

Candice : Just like our boys.

Roxylishus : Just like my boys. (she pushes her breasts out as far as she can).

Timeless : Just like MY BOYS! (Timeless flexes and man, them muscles DO look bigger.)

We are CHIANTI!

We like to Root and make all the Loot!

We take out the Trash, and collect all the Cash!

We break your heart and tear you apart!

We make Stacks and break Backs!

Joey : Chianti is the shit, on point, and always lit!

Timeless : I am the Ultimate Male Supreme!

Every breathing Woman’s Wet Dream!

A God Damn Wrestling Machine!

[Unfadable.]

[SWAT Team]

Nimbooda Nimbooda hits and Rajiv Khan drives down the ramp way to the ring in his taxi, he toots the horn and gestures for fans leaning over the railing for a high five to get out of the way. He pulls up half way down the ramp, gets out of his cab, and then climbs up the bonnet and sits down on the roof, his taxi driver shirt unironed, half tucked in and he needs a shave.

Rajiv Khan : Cut the music! I have something to say.

The fans boo and throw garbage at him.

Rajic Khan : Typical racist American pigs! I am out here to entertain you and you throw this trash at me!

A drink splashes all over him.

Rajic Khan : This is what i have to deal with, each and every day of my life in this hell hole of a country. Whether its out here wrestling, or in the cab, the filth i witness and the disrespect i put up with is enough to break a man.

And i have had enough!

I demand respect! I demand better matches.

I am a hero to all the Indian wrestling fans. A god to them!

Next Battleground, Psychotic Goth! I challenge you to your title! I will take it and i will rebrand it the SWAT Indian Title, and i will actually defend it, unlike you GOTH!

Khan slides down back into the cab and does a burn out as he reverses up the ramp way, his new theme blaring again.

[radu]

[SMASH CUT TO AN APPLE.]



"You keep talking about DIXIE like it was a figment of my imagination...

...like it was a lie.

Well, if it is a LIE, that figment of my imagination is about to end your reign of terror in SWAT.  When does that start becoming real to you?

Or would you rather chalk it up to a SWAT Backyard offshoot...

I brought up the snake as the companies last REAL world champion, he has nothing to do with me.  Didn't say he was a good one, just there.  Backyard was the Industrial Man's deal, yet you keep acting like DIXIE and it are related.  Like we're one in the same.  Like everyone who you wronged is in one basket.  You clung to the idea, ran with the idea, rubbed it in my face like it was some sort of out of character in joke....

The only OUT OF CHARACTER JOKE... is your booking."

[Light flashes against the steel of a pocket knife as it enters frame, quickly scratching the apple.  A small knick, one you wouldn't notice at the supermarket.  Fine.  Horizontal.  Barely grazing the surface.  ...But the moment the arm retreats out of frame and we're left with the apple alone, you can see the skin around damage start to wilt back like a nasty infection.  As footage is sped up, the rot takes hold, eating away at its shiny red coat.  The juicy white interior dries out, browns, then suddenly starts to get moist again... oozing out.]

"You aren't dealing with a snake... I am the wyrm."

[As the speed in the footage increases, a worm bursts out of the apple's core, burrowing through it.]

"With SWAT... you were given the keys to the kingdom.  Fresh.  Vibrant.  Oh, it was a fixer upper... but far more than you deserved, which you consistently proved.  Running off talent in droves, promoting your {Mongo Edit: Nah we don't say that anymore} friends.  The road agents that are still on payroll string together matches like they were sniffing glue.  A million fucking run-ins in your opening matches that have to get edited off broadcast for being program breakingly inane.  You jabbed that Hell's Bouncer lost because his heart wasn't in it......... was his heart in it when he beat you for it?  Even with half a heart, retards have the strength of ten men, so don't deny him that.

You're only the champion because the last champion didn't care...

...In attempting to bad mouth me, you just shit on your title.  That's some top notch management skills.  No wonder this federation is in a state of decay.

You make Pesci look preferable.  How sad is that?"

[The footage slows down as the worm starts to exit the fruit, so that its almost thrusting out in the air.  It speeds up slightly to make the movements seem unnatural, but slows down to a crawl to show its blind attempts at escape.  The apple around it continues to melt away.]

"You attribute the weaker sex comment to me... yet listening to my interview, you would find, that the statement was made as an example to highlight the problem with the evening's festivities.  Battle of the sexes?  I could care less.  You aren't a shitty fedhead because your a woman.... your a shitty fedhead because of everything else you did.  I wouldn't trust you to moderate a social media group, let alone direct people's livelihoods.

The fact that you couldn't detach your dislike for me from your gender wars with Pesci just shows your inability to adapt.  You're quoting me as sexist to fire up the crowd versus all the other awful things I've said about you, just highlights that you have bought into a specific narrative - and aren't really paying attention to the product.  I was sexist last week, this week I'm giving you the respect you deserve.  Which isn't any, but its different than Pesci.  Try to keep up.

If you actually cared about men versus women... you would be putting your Amazon's title on the line to show that it was just as good as the World title.  The woman's strap could hold its own against the mens.

...If you actually cared about ONE SWAT, and stood by your sound financial decision to close all the other regions, and role them into one, then THIS would be a unification match.

...It is not.

Why is that?

OH RIGHT, because even when you lose to the world champion... again... unable to compete on a higher stage, you can still claim yourself champion to all women.  Great protector that you are.  Do you see how your hurting them?  Hurting their cause?  When you lose tonight it is not because your a woman... but just not world contender material.  Recognize that those that can't wrestle, book... and those that can't book... well... Pesci was your rival.

You can judge Pesci... and trust me I do... but the only difference between you two is gender.  You could slap an A at the end of his name, and people would have a hard time telling you apart.  To his credit, Pesci is TRYING to be the villain of this federation... falling... but trying... you...

...You still seem to think you're a good GUY."

[The apple now reduced to slush, the worm starts to slither off to a new conquest.]

"I might be the wyrm... brought here by the rot...

But the worm that tore through this federation, left it in a sorry state...

That's you.

Women versus men?

Ain't nothing but insects here."

[The footage speeding the worm out of frame leaves only the brown, rotten remains of what used to be fruit.  The camera zooms in on the ugly wasteland.]

[This was SWAT.]

[edwarddubin0604]

(The arena grows dark as Psychotic Goth appears on the tron with Vampira standing behind him arms crossed. The SWAT Hardcore Title around his waist and flames surrounding him.)

Psychotic Goth: "There are those who are willing to go through hell after they think through what the consequences are and those who are two foolish to realize what they got themselves into until it was too late."

(He pauses.)

Psychotic Goth: "Rajiv Khan you come racing into the arena again with your soon to be repossessed cab and issuing a challenge to 'The King of the Goths' thinking I would just run from a court jester like you."

(Psychotic Goth giggles evilly and utters something in an Indian dialect.)

Psychotic Goth: "Rajiv you are just a pest that shall just be flicked away with insignificant ease. You see you don't know what you are getting into Rajiv. You don't know what fate has in store for you or what your Hindu or Buddhist deities had in store for you when you did something so foolish as to challenge 'Satan's Chosen Warrior.'"

(He pauses.)

Psychotic Goth: "Yet soon you shall Rajiv and when you do it shall be your worst experience and your worst nightmare that shall haunt and harass you for the rest of your life. When I maul you Rajiv I shall show you what t feels like to have your limbs torn out of your sockets. You shall experience the horror as I drink your blood. I shall make you experience the pain and agony that you haven't felt before and shall be remembering for the rest ofm your worthless life."

(Psychotic Goth laughs demonically as he says something in an Indian dialect.)

Psychotic Goth: "Do you still want to go through with this challenge Rajiv Khan. Do you want to sacrifice your life and deprive your family of your labors and money that you bring in to support them. Think real hard Rajiv Khan and ponder what could and shall be your fate if we should step into the ring. Please ponder carefully the consequences of your life expectancy and the fact that I shall claim and consume your very soul.
Your very soul shall be mine to do as I please."

(He lowers his head and raises his arms that also include six others and as the six arms are in a praying position his real arms remain raised as he flings his head back revealing his pale handsome gothlike looks.)

Psychotic Goth: "Look into these eyes oh foolish Rajiv Khan. You see the wild beast in them that you shall unleash if you dare go through with this challenge for my title. I shall again repeat my warning to reconsider or be beaten to a bloody pulp and leave the ring all broken with no money to support your family. For I shall do this in the name of Shiva....."

(He pauses.)

Psychotic Goth: "THE CREATOR!"

(He pauses again breathing savagely.)

Psychotic Goth: "THE LOVER!"

(He pauses laughing and resumes breathing savagely.)

Psychotic Goth: "AND MOST OF ALL.....THE DESTROYER!"

(He bellows and roars in an Indian Dialect.)

Psychotic Goth: "THUS I HAVE SPOKEN AND THUS YOUR FATE SHALL BE SEALED BY YOUR CHOICE!"

(The flames rise to fill the tron before the tron goes dark and the arena lights go back on.)

[SWAT Team]

[The house lights fade, leaving the arena in darkness.]

[Riz Ortolani's haunting theme music to the film Cannibal Holocaust begins to play over the PA system.]

[Purple spotlights search through the crowd, building a sense of dread. The audience boo for the next participant, because he repulses them, but more so they aren't left alone with their thoughts. The erratic movement of the lights start to circle closer together before eventually, the perfect circles of light connect into the body of a large centipede. The visual representation of the insect stalks over the crowd, before racing towards the entranceway. Hitting the black curtains, the purple lights seem to double up, and fold into themselves.]

[Rough hands swatting aside the curtain, the five-time SWAT Dixieland champion pushes his way out into the arena. Its been a while since he had an audience like this. Rather than appreciate the change in pace, he seems to shake with rage, channeling it down towards the ring. Clenching his fists, Radu Matei starts to stalk down the aisle in sync with the music. The audience throws stuff, and generally let him know that his presence isn't appreciated... but they also keep their distance. Anyone who leans over the railing gets slashed by the box cutters he hides in his suit. Some are still stupid enough to see blood, but the majority vocalize their hatred out of arms' reach. Cowards that they are.]

[Approaching ringside, Radu lifts under the curtain to pull out a large box. Patting it, he smiles, before turning his venom back to the ring.]

Frank Salazar : LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, The following contest is scheduled for ONE FALL AND IS FOR THE SWAT WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP!!!!

Introducing first, hailing from Sibiu, Romania and coming in at 6’2 $ 234 pounds ... the SWAT WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION ... RADU MATEI!!!!

And introducing his opponent, she is the SWAT Amazons Champion and General Manager! Hailing from Savannah, Georgia, coming in at 6’ and 215 pounds .... WILDCATT LYNN BREWSTER!!!!!

"Cat Scratch Fever" hits the speakers and Wildcat comes out. She stands there, and when lyrics start she walks down to the ring. She gets on the apron edge, looking around at the crowd, then gets in the ring and removes her jacket, oblivious to any booing she's receiving, almost enjoying it

Jeremy Tucker : Here we go, the main event, Battle of the Sexes is four wins the men, 3 to the women, Brewster can tie it up here and become Heavyweight champ, or Radu can make it 5 to the men and retain his belt.

Andrew Fulton : I don’t think he really cares who wins the men or women, but beating Brewster, that’s another story.

Jeremy Tucker : Ref calls for the bell and Brewster charges him like a mad woman, Radu blocks her flurry of wild swings and knee’s her in the gut, but she no sells it and gives him a knee of her own, RIGHT TO THE BALLS!

Andrew Fulton : Come on Ref! That’s a blatant low blow!

Jeremy Tucker : Brewster charges at Radu and Lou Thesz presses him and mounts him and just starts ramming his head repeatedly into the mat, she is a wild women, a WILDCAT!

Andrew Fulton : She is crazed Jerry!

Jeremy Tucker : Months of frustration and being tormented by Radu coming to a head, and she is unleashing all her fury on him!

Andrew Fulton : Radu rolls her off him and she lunges at him again and both tumble thru the ropes to the outside! She really is a Wildcat Jerry!

Jeremy Tucker : Radu grabs a handful of her hair and pulls her towards him and headbutts her, a brutal headbutt and blood starts gushing out of the nose of Brewster.

Andrew Fulton : Now he is biting her! Radu has latched onto the neck of the Amazons Champ and he is sinking them fangs in! Eat her alive!

Jeremy Tucker : Lynn sticks her fingers right into his eyes in desperation, and Radu breaks the hold and is holding his eyes!

Andrew Fulton : She may have blinded him Jerry! Them nails right in the eyes man!

Jeremy Tucker : The animosity between these two has built to this, it has all come down to this right here and if you ask me, Radu started it, he picked this fight and has everything coming to him he gets.

Andrew Fulton : If you ask ME, and why wouldn’t you being i am the Voice of SWAT and all, SHE asked for all this alienating the entire roster and leaving us a sinking ship with no one here left!

Jeremy Tucker : She tried her best, Lynn rams the head of Radu into the apron and rolls him into the ring, he still can’t see. Snap suplex by Brewster, and follows it up with a leg grapevine.

Andrew Fulton : Radu rolls out of the hold and counters with a boot heel to the face. He then starts choking Lynn.

Jeremy Tucker : Folks, this is not your catch us catch can clinic, this is a straight up brawl! Radu with a spinning drop toehold.

Andrew Fulton : Radu now with a thrust kick to the head! Kill her Matei!

Jeremy Tucker : Radu now stomping on Brewster. He is wailing away on her, the vigour in each and everyone of them stomps is filled with hatred.

Andrew Fulton : Radu makes a great World Champion, he has taken SWAT by storm, and when HB was mouthing off last show, he was quick to shut that big trap of Browns for good.

Jeremy Tucker : HB will be back.

Andrew Fulton : He is licking his wounds right now, and no match for Matei Jerry.

Jeremy Tucker : Lynn back on the offensive and delivers a running knee lift! Follows it up with a diving shoulder block, and then a release belly to belly suplex!

Andrew Fulton : Radu is reeling and Lynn now connects with a tornado ddt!

Jeremy Tucker : Chop block! Matei with a chop block!

Andrew Fulton : He pounces on the injured leg, and stomps on it then slides out of the ring, grabs the leg of Lynn and flings it into the steel turnbuckle.

Jeremy Tucker : WHELBARROW PILEDRIVER!!! What a manoeuvre by RADU!

Andrew Fulton : Radu slides back into the ring and drops a knee on the bloody nose or Lynn.

Jeremy Tucker :Radu tosses Lynn into the opposite corner! The Beast of Dixie catching Brewster in the corner with an Avalanche!!! HARD European uppercut turns her around in the corner, and Matei now choking her against the top rope! Come on Ref! 1... 2... 3... 4... Matei breaks... only to start again... 1.... 2... 3... lets go AND AGAIN! 1... 2... 3... 4...

Crowd: WOOOOOOOO!

Andrew Fulton : There's the great equalizer for you!

Jeremy Tucker : Brewster bringing a leg back, catching Matei in... uh... the bread basket.

Andrew Fulton : If you keep your bread in your crotch! Come on ref! LOW BLOW!!!

Jeremy Tucker : Matei doubled over, and Brewster with a BIG backdrop sends the champion------ OVER THE TOP ROPE!

! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !

#THUMP#

Jeremy Tucker : MATEI SENT OUT TO THE FLOOR, and landed face first on the steel steps.

Andrew Fulton : Jesus - Matei bleeding like a damned faucet. Not one of those low flow ones either.

[In the ring, Brewster holds her throat trying to catch a second breath after the choking. Outside, Matei tries to fold a flap of skin back over the giant gash in his forehead. The spurts of blood keep most audience members back to avoid dry cleaning bills, but one audience member leans over.]

Man in crowd: 194.

Radu Matei <looking up from his bloody hands>: What... what did you say?

Jeremy Tucker : On the outside the champion trash talking the audience, and looks like he just saw a ghost! Something has him rattled. Grabbing the audience member by the throat - but here's Lynn - SUICIDE DIVE sends Matei crashing into the guardrail. Brewster back on her feet, smashing the champions bloody skull into those steel steps again before throwing him back into the ring.

Andrew Fulton : What was that about Jerry?

Jeremy Tucker : I have no idea. Dudley Dog by Lynn to Radu! The Cat fight she calls that.

Andrew Fulton : Brewster bulldogs Radu then crunches him with a backbreaker!

Jeremy Tucker : Cover by Lynn ...

One ............

Two ..... Radu kicks out.

Andrew Fulton : Lynn drags Radu to his feet ... MIST IN THE EYES!!! Radu just got Lynn with the Asian Mist!

Jeremy Tucker : Lynn blindly reaching out and lifting Matei up for a bodyslam!

#UNEARTHLY SCREAM#

Jeremy Tucker : JESUS! Lynn just.... shrieked in agony and collapsed to the canvas. The referee doesn't know what is going on, but she's holding her shoulder in... I... I don't think I've ever seen the Amazon champion in worse pain.

Andrew Fulton : Matei dusting himself off... looks confused himself. Now reaching into his pocket and... is that a...

Jeremy Tucker : Japanese Giant Hornet!

Andrew Fulton : It used to be... I think Lynn crushed it. The murderer!

Jeremy Tucker : I've seen videos of those, they are extremely toxic, and one of the most painful insect stings on the planet! The referee should disqualify Matei, Lynn needs medical attention!

Andrew Fulton : What it’s not like he hit Lynn with it - she killed it while trying to manhandle him. And the way her arm is swelling up, it’s more like she's cheating. Hitting forearm shots when your arm is the size of a buick? How is that fair!

Jeremy Tucker : Matei with neckbreaker, and Lynn in no position to defend herself!

Radu heads to the top rope ... Jumping double stomp to the face/chest with enough force that it almost looks like a senton, but he just took Lynn’shead off. Matei ends up on top for the pin.

One .............

Two .................. she is paralysed!!!!

THREE!!!!!


Matei wins! He retains the title and gets the men over the line in the Battle of the Sexes!!!

[The SWAT job squad wheel a large box out of the back, "The End of the World" by Skeeter Davis plays over the PA system to indicate the champion's victory. Grabbing a fistful of Brewster's hair, Radu Matei drags her to the edge of the apron, where stepping through the ropes he starts to repeatedly stomp on the back of her head, effectively curbing her. It’s done with love. Red and yellow glitter also starts to fall from the rafters to excite the audience for this first defense... they don't seem too excited.]

Jeremy Tucker : What are the O-Z doing with that box...

#THUMP#

[Having grabbed a live microphone, Radu Matei stabs it into the unconscious Brewster's head a few times before leaning close to her.]

Radu Matei : Now that this match is over... we're done. You're just another bad memory for me. I'm going to do to you what I do with all my bad memories... shove you in a dark place and forget you ever existed. What you do after this is up to you... me <holding up the SWAT World title> I have my work cut out for me making this RESPECTABLE again after you handed it to Brown. That's me. You? After this you can either repair the image of the Amazon's title... or piss it away with thoughts of revenge. This was revenge. Mine. It’s done.

[The O-Z open the box to reveal it swarming with Devil's Coach Horse Beetles. Brewster starts to come to just as Matei tosses her headfirst into the box. A swollen arm tries to keep the lid from - SLAMMING SHUT. ...the lid slams shut. Pulling out a padlock, Matei is quick to lock the Amazons champion in with the army of biting insects.]

Radu Matei : Hang on. <swallows the key> Now... let’s celebrate in style.

[The champion waves a hand at the ceiling where all the glitter has been dropping... then something larger starts to drop. What was that. And again.]

Jeremy Tucker : THE CHAMPION HAS RELEASED A HORDE OF LOCUSTS FROM THE CEILING!!!

Andrew Fulton : Locusts never hurt anyon------ uh.... one got in my mouth. BLAAAAAH. BLAH. BLARGH. I think I'm going to die.

Jeremy Tucker : The audience tripping over themselves to avoid this plague! Meanwhile poor Brewster trapped in her own prison of bugs. I hope the champion is pleased with himself!

Andrew Fulton : They're in your hair!

Jeremy Tucker : WE HAVE GOT TO GO!