Battleground 25 : Riot in Manchester (show)

[thecomedian]

<We open to Tuxedo Mask and Rally Jackson social distancing from one another.  They are six feet away, but try to imagine them right next to each other like a cohesive unit.  So I am asking you to imagine imagining them six feet apart imagining them next to one another.  It's a somber mood, though.>

Tuxedo Mask:  Why are you so sad, Rally san?

Rally Jackson:  Welp, I'm working so hard to prevent the spread of the coronavirus.  I'm washing my hands all the time, bringing purell on the road, I've got the mask, the gloves, I'm coughing into my elbows...

Tuxedo Mask:  But what?  It sounds like you are doing everything you can.  You have nothing to be sad about.

Rally Jackson:  I'm sad because my doctor told me I can't get shit on anymore, until further notice.  By hookers.  In fact, he said to stay away from hookers indefinitely.

Tuxedo Mask:  I get that, but we are all making sacrifices.  This will pass.  The brown showers will continue in the future.

Rally Jackson:  Well he actually recommended I never do it again.  The risk of flagella will always be there.  And apparently hookers carry more than just the coronavirus.  

Tuxedo Mask:  But Rally, you already knew that.  I saw on your instagram story a few months back you were bragging about "beating the clap."  At first I thought you were talking about a member of Team Fairtex, but then I remembered you weren't wrestling yet a few months ago.

Rally Jackson:  Clap Fairtex?

Tuxedo Mask:  Well they already have a Dong Fairtex.  You can't tell me that's much of a stretch.

Rally Jackson:  So Team Fairtex is.... Clap Fairtex..... and Dong Fairtex?

Tuxedo Mask:  Jonnie Valentine is the world champion.

Rally Jackson:  Huh?

Tuxedo Mask:  Oh I thought we were just stating known facts.

Rally Jackson:  You know that's not really their names...

Tuxedo Mask:  Clap and Dong?

Rally Jackson:  No Fairtex.  In muay thai, you list your gym as your last name.

Tuxedo Mask:  So Fairtex is the name of their gym?

Rally Jackson:  Not so fast, you see I have been a part of the martial arts world for quite some time.  And I spoke to Kru Philip Wong, founder of Fairtex Gym, and do you know what he told me?

Tuxedo Mask:  ::sitting at the edge of his seat like a child being told a story::  What WHAT???

Rally Jackson:  He told me he's never heard of anyone name Clap or Dong nor their father, the Shitfighter.

Tuxedo Mask:  Well I can tell you Shitfighter isn't really their father's name either.  He just earned that moniker because he fights like shit.

<Awkward silence for about thirty seconds.>

Rally Jackson:  It seems like you're in a somber mood as well, Tux.  What's bothering you?

Tuxedo Mask:  Well thank you for asking, Rally.  As you know, I'm a former gymnast and tv star, did a little modelling.

Rally Jackson:  True true.

Tuxedo Mask:  And now I'm stuck doing this pro wrestling bullshit.

Rally Jackson:  We are all in the same boat man.  My parents envisioned me being some nuclear physicist, but alas here we are rolling around the ring with guys in tights for money.  Like we're some circus freaks.  Makes me want to just jump off a bridge, too.

Tuxedo Mask:  That's not what I mean, Rally, pro wrestling is just fine.  What I'm really trying to tell you is....

Rally Jackson:  What Tux?  What are you trying to tell me?

Tuxedo Mask:  What I'm really trying to tell you is I think I can make it as a K Pop star.  And I'm just afraid I missed my calling and I'm worried I'm too late.

<Rally stares at Tuxedo Mask as if he has just dropped a bombshell on him.  He takes a moment to process it all.>

Rally Jackson:  Well first we have to get you signed to an agency.

Tuxedo Mask:  Really Rally?  Do you think we can do that?

Rally Jackson:  THEN.... then we have to get you into one of those training systems.

Tuxedo Mask:  Consider it done, I can do that!

Rally Jackson:  After that, we need to get you into a reality television show where you will compete against other potential K Pop stars.

Tuxedo Mask:  TV?  That's easy, we are on tv all the time.

Rally Jackson:  Then you need poor living conditions, a contract that fucks you over, and finally we will exploit you sexually.

Tuxedo Mask:  That doesn't sound any different than the exact thing we are doing right now!!  Rally, I can do this!

Rally Jackson:  Then let's go get you started.

<They embrace and even ignore social distance norms and hug as they begin to exit the building.  We fade to...>

Cameraman:  You two idiots aren't going anywhere.  You still have a match!

[Timeless]

We cut to the dressing room, and we see Roxylishus in front of a mirror pushing her huge cleavage out and taking selfies. Man, what a woman, so sexy almost evil, then, there is Timeless, he is doing bicep curls with the resiband and he looks amazing. KGB baseball shirt on, unbuttoned of course, oiled up and shining like a Greek God.

Timeless : Fuck it, Suit. I’m in.

Roxylishus : Huh?

Timeless : That’s Fierce’s message. He’s in. I got news for you Jack! No one is IN unless I say they are in! This is not the same KGB you and the founder (he snarls on the name with disdain)... founded. This is 2020! We are so sick of watching all these old dinosaurs get ushered back in here like they are the second coming.

Roxylishus : Don’t worry about it, he’ll be gone in a month just like half the others.

Timeless : (hurls the resiband across the room angrily) I will worry about. Bloodice CSK! Marty! Kilroy Evans! Andrew Karnage! They waltz in here like gods, the Founder kissing their asses, then they fade away just as quick.

Roxylishus : What’s the issue with you and Suit? I thought he was your mentor.

Timeless : He has gone soft. Weak. Lost direction. Truthfully, the day he turned his back on Joe Pesci, was the day i lost all respect for him.

Roxylishus : This is getting serious. He may well kick us out of the Bandits if you can’t get it under control.

Timeless : You’re damn straight it’s serious! And that’s where you’re wrong, he can’t kick us out! We will kick him out if it comes to that.

Roxylishus : I want you to straighten this all out with him.

Timeless : I will do just that, later tonight. First things first though, and that’s James Hillbilly Fierce. He wants to come back, and be IN! He got to prove to me tonight, in that very ring out there, that he still has what it takes to be a Bandit. Then, and only then will i embrace him as a brother, but if he is gonna flake like the others, i will bury him in that ring tonight!

Roxylishus : Relax, we got things going real well. Team Fairtex are the Tag champs. Joanne the Amazon Champ. After tonight Suit will have the X Crown, and then you and I will win the Anzac Cup!

Timeless : We will see. That’s a long way off.

Roxylishus : (moving over to him and cooing in his ear) I really want to win the Anzac Cup.

Timeless : Me too. And speaking of the X Crown, that is coming home to the KGB , you are right, but not with the Suit, whether he beats Zoran tonight or not, it is coming home with ME in the XHF Royal Rumble.

Roxylishus : We also have a big match next week in Spain, when its you and i against Lucky Linda and her mystery partner.

Timeless : Mystery partner (Timeless scoffs) She thinks she is the leader of Team SWAT! She couldn’t even stick it out with them to face us in the War Games. We will make mince meat of them, just like i will fierce.

(Timeless looks into the camera)

Fierce! You want to get back in the LGB, tonight is your initiation! If you can survive with me, then i will gladly welcome you back in, you don’t hav to beat me, we all know thats not going to happen, just survive.

I am SIR WINSALOT.

We are the KGB.

We like to Root and we make all the Loot!

We take out the Trash, and collect all the Cash!

We break your heart and tear you apart!

We make Stacks and break backs!

I’ll rupture your spleen and knock you out clean!

I am the Ultimate Male Supreme!

Every breathing Woman’s Wet Dream!

A God Damn Wrestling Machine!

Roxylishus : We want the Funk!

Unfadeable

[ManMountainFierce]

We go to the locker room area where James is lounging. James looks up at the camera and takes a deeper than normal sigh. The omni presence of James’s personal narrator takes the microphone and stands behind James.




The Storyteller: Ah, the sigh of having to cut a live promo on a show again. James didn’t miss this element of the business, no sir, he did not. He liked other elements though. Like watching Kilroy play “will this burn?” with Karnage. He even enjoyed watching the local buffets trying to implement the two-hour limit on Soutter. Spoiler alert, yes it normally burned, and those time limits are mere suggestions when you a man such as Paul T. Soutter.




Alas though, those are the thoughts of a dinosaur.




Sure, the dinosaur was living the good life back in West Virginia.




He drank the best hooch.




He smoked the best bud.




He had it all, truly. But tonight, he stands ready to say words about a man that says many words of inconsequential value. He stands read to tell the Timeless one, that that moniker sucks more than Syberus’s coke habit.




James Fierce: Syb has a coke habit?




The Storyteller: 110%




James Fierce: Makes sense.




The Storyteller: … tonight though Mr. Timeless, James will speak, and the people will care what he has to say. You see, he has a connection with the people. He was once considered a deity to millions and millions of fans in the Asian market.




James Fierce: Tis true, I’m big in the North Korean market.




The Storyteller: Timeless, James is something that you are not.




James Fierce: Charismatic.




The Storyteller: And…




James Fierce: Interesting.




The Storyteller: And.




James Fierce: Classically Handsome.




The Storyteller: And.




James Fierce: Polite.




The Storyteller: …




James Fierce: Manners matter, you know.




The Storyteller: That they do James. You see Mr. Less, you have made James upset.




James Fierce: Mildly.





The Storyteller: You went and called James a dinosaur, implying that he is Jonnie Valentine odd, which he isn’t, but still if he were, he’d be upset because you sir, disrespected the legacy of a group of individuals who were, are, and is better than you in every conceivable way.




James Fierce: It’s true.




The Storyteller: It’s beyond true. James Fierce is not to be taken lightly by some kid who likes to give handies out with tramps that smell like old cigarettes and sex.




James Fierce: I hear he skis.




The Storyteller: James should not have said-thought-paid me to say that. No sir, he should not have said that. It’s 2020, and it takes many types to make the world go around.




James Fierce: Sigh.




The Storyteller: You see Mr. Time Less, James does not need the cheap looking pros to enhance his gimmick. No sir, that is a mere act of a novice that needs people to be distracting from the words he is struggling to spout.




James Fierce: And if you do like keeping pros around, my I suggest mutes. They are great conversationalist, plus it’s a hell of a gimmick that WILL get over, unlike… whatever that verbal diarrhea you just displayed was.




The Storyteller: …and catch phrases, please…




James Fierce: Narrow that shit down kid, it’s a bit too…




The Storyteller: wordy.




James Fierce: That and…




The Storyteller: cringe worthy. It was definitely cringe worthy.




James Fierce: It was, but he needs t...




The Storyteller: Narrow it down to somethings more memorable.




James Fierce: But then again, what do I know?




The Storyteller: He’s Just Fierce.




James Fierce: Nailed it.




scene goes to…

[anthonycaffrey]

After the recent match... We find Hayden Callahan backstage with his daughter, Aubrey, a smile on her face seeing her father competing for the first time ever.

Aubrey Callahan-Lewis: That was amazing! I enjoyed it!

Hayden Callahan: I know you did, babydoll, and you’ll be seeing more of it from now on.

Aubrey Callahan-Lewis: Yay!!

Hayden takes his daughter into the locker room before being confronted by a cameraman.

Hayden Callahan: One second, babydoll.

Cameraman: Hayden, a word with you after your mat--

Hayden Callahan: A word? After wiping the fucking floor with Colin? Cop the fuck on, man. I’m still waiting for “ze commissioner” to speak up and stop being a coward, but all he wants to talk about is Anthony Caff--

A slow clap begins from just down the hall. The camera turns to capture the man applauding. It is none other than the XHF veteran, Anthony Caffrey. Callahan moves to confront him.

Hayden Callahan: Can I help you, mate?

Caffrey puts his hands up, signaling to the rising star that he doesn’t want conflict.

Caffrey: Ease up. I did not break my quarantine early for fisticuffs. If I wanted a piece of you, I would’ve jumped you from behind, and you’d be crawling on the ground wondering who turned the lights out. So chill the hell out, and please… take a giant step back. If any idiot came to work with the coronavirus, it’d probably be that moron Trentwood. He’s clearly missing a few brain cells--- he tried to step to you, and you planted him so hard that if no one scrapes him off the mat, they’ll probably grow flowers from his corpse.

The two men have kept their eyes locked even as Caffrey has paid Callahan the compliments. Caffrey makes a movement of pushing his arm forward slowly, indicating for Hayden to step back. He finally does, and Caffrey lets out a deep sigh of relief.

Caffrey: Hell, if I were you, I would’ve jumped right in the shower…

Hayden Callahan: Just get to the fucking point...

Caffrey: Alright, alright. I forgot you don’t know me. Maybe you’ve not been studying the tape of the greatest AXW champion of all time, the man who’s been undefeated since…

Caffrey seems to realize that no one wants to hear him rattle off his accomplishments and achievements again. He nods.

Caffrey: You haven’t studied me, but I’ve been watching you. Everywhere you go, you demand a challenge. And frankly, I haven’t seen you properly challenged yet. I’ve watched you massacre two opponents in a row and I’m convinced that you’re going to keep that streak going through the Rumble and the Anzac Cup. Speaking of… I saw you signed up, but don’t have a partner yet.

Hayden raises an eyebrow to the statement.

Caffrey: I don’t trust just anyone. The last good partner I had was literally a mop. I do not tolerate deadweight. The last man to waste my time was nearly choked to death with a steel chain before I kicked him out of my company. Everyone thinks I’m just some smiley, overly talkative asshole but when push comes to shove, I will shove you into the ground and cripple you at the drop of a pin. And with the hospitals the way they are these days, well, that’s not a place you want to be.

Hayden Callahan: Again, get to the point...

Caffrey: I think I want you as my partner for the Anzac Cup. Our dear ol’ Commish has the same thoughts I do-- I can’t go into matches with the KGB and the New Breed, this tournament, without someone watching my back.

Hayden Callahan: And what exactly would be in it for me?

Caffrey can’t hide his half-smile.

Caffrey: Everything you could want. The challenges you’re after, the glory of winning the Anzac Cup… and if we work well together, the XHF Tag Team Championships should be ours.

Hayden Callahan: Your catch?

Caffrey puts a finger up.

Caffrey: I haven’t made my decision. I have a question and I want you to listen carefully. When I’m done, you tell me your answer. And if it’s the wrong answer, that’s okay. We’ll go separate ways and I’ll find someone else.

Hayden Callahan: That question being…?

Caffrey: Are you a Syberus, or are you a Caffrey?

Caffrey puts his hand up, indicating that he’s not even close to done.

Caffrey: Do you want to reference history, or do you want to become history? Do you wanna be the guy that dismissively name-checks a bunch of old and irrelevant wrestlers with some demeaning ‘back in my day’ bullshit celebrating a time that has passed? Or do you wanna be the guy they tell those stories about, the guy who sounds more like legend than reality?

He keeps going.

Caffrey: Do you want to be the guy that bitches about world champions, or do you want to be the world champion? Do you want to complain about how the world has changed and that there’s a new era of champion, or do you wanna get off your ass and do the work to raise world championship gold above your head? Are you a lazy miserable manchild that gives the same speech week after week about how everyone is figurative dogshit, or are you a man who can recognize when talent is staring back at him?

Hayden Callahan: I know talent when I see it and trust me, there’s not a lot around this fucking roster.

Caffrey: But it’s important to recognize there’s still some. You have to recognize it like I’m doing with you or it’ll sneak up and stab you in the back. That’s the problem with jackasses like 110% Syberus. Skilled enough, but he has no idea what he’s in for because he thinks I’m terrible and dogshit.

Caffrey turns to directly look at the camera to mock Syberus.

Caffrey: Which, by the way --- if I’m terrible and dogshit, what does that make the guy that taps out to dogshit?

He laughs before turning back to Callahan.

Caffrey: Listen, Hayden, I can run down anybody, but when people like that snot-nosed bleach blonde jackass pretends that everyone isn’t worth their time, that’s when they make mistakes. He’s going to ride in on his high horse, and I’m gonna break its legs before breaking his ankle. He’ll slip up, they always do. I’ve made a career out of surviving marathons because my opponent made one mistake an hour into our match. He will hold his head high and kick my ass repeatedly until I catch his foot and make him pay for taking his eye off the ball. You’d think after he saw what I did to Timeless, who also gave me zero respect, that he’d stop kissing his own ass long enough to realize he’s stalled on the tracks and about to be crushed by the 5:00 train.

Caffrey makes the motion of his hands coming together.

Caffrey: I’ve been in hellacious fights all over with X-Crown and world champions. The last X-Crown champion Maverick and I fought in the desert for an hour and I beat him while being unconscious. Bobby Barratt and I went to war at Night of Champions, and Chris Card and I stole the show at Diamonds Are Forever. I won all of those, and I won because I respected my opponents. I knew what they were capable of. I wouldn’t have come close if I was just doing Syberus’ masturbatory routine, bragging how great he is while handling Jonnie Valentine’s wood.

He runs his hand through his hair, looking down for a few moments, getting lost in his thoughts.

Caffrey: AXW was based in London. About four hours south of here, but I’ve been staying in the same hotel I used to stay in when I was champion. It was a second home for months. But the last time I was in this country, I lost my world title because I thought Vincent Dra…

Caffrey pauses, still unable to say the name to this day without having to stop himself.

Caffrey: ...because I thought my opponent was just some dumb hotshot motherfucker. I thought I couldn’t be taken down by anyone, I got turned around and planted in a triple threat and lost my greatest source of pride and happiness. Then my company closed an hour later and I haven’t gotten a chance to get payback. He’s in the Rumble this year, and I’m… I’m... I’m getting ahead of myself. The task at hand is one 110% Jackass.

Caffrey sighs, readjusting his focus.

Caffrey: Now that sorry ass bastard Syberus has been wrestling on and off for eighteen years and he’s still not good enough to be anything other than second fiddle! No wonder he’s so whiny miserable all the damn time! And don’t get me wrong--- he’s intense, he’s intelligent, and I think his DDT is probably better than mine. But that guy debuted in 2002. I was thirteen and popping pimples, and yet with all this wealth of wrestling knowledge, experience, and title belts he has… we’re booked at the same exact level on this card. Hayden, if I’m still in the midcard thirteen years from now and not main eventing, please put me out of my misery and shoot me in the back of my fucking head so I don’t grow up to be 110% Syberus.

He mimes a quick shot with his hand.

Caffrey: That guy brags about being Wrestler of the Year… fourteen years ago. Fourteen years ago was the last time he was considered The Best. My peers voted me the Kingpin of the Network only a few months ago! Do you know what I was doing fourteen years ago? I was trying to figure out the logistics of fucking Rachel Carter after senior prom without pissing off her parents!

Caffrey begins to laugh, and after a short while, Hayden slowly begins to laugh with Caffrey.

Caffrey: But that’s my question, Hayden. Do you want to be the guy that brags about being the best fourteen years ago, the guy who never stops bitching about how much everyone else sucks, who never takes a look in the mirror and gets better, who never sees an upcoming opponent as anything other than dogshit? Do you wanna be the guy who eighteen years after debuting still isn’t good enough to close a show without being carried by more-talented wrestlers around him?

Caffrey walks closer to Callahan, getting eye-to-eye with him.

Caffrey: Or do you want to be... THE BEST?

Silence fills the halls. Caffrey waits for an answer and lifts his arms up, half shrugging his shoulders and then backing up when realising he might be too close to comfort for Hayden.

Caffrey: So who do you wanna be? Do you want to be 110% Syberus, or do you wanna be Anthony fuckin’ Caffrey?

Hayden looks at Caffrey up and down, he scoffs. He leans his back against the wall and crosses his arms.

Hayden Callahan: Listen, Anthony… I know very much about you already, I know what you’re like. I know what you’re about and what you’ve done. A former AXW Undisputed Champion, the longest reigning of the title’s history with three hundred and nine days. That’s very impressive on your part. But let me tell you about me, Hayden Callahan, I’ve been doing this almost as long as you might have - eleven years working within the ring and out of the ring. I know what needs to be done, I know what is best for me and what is best for others.

Hayden points right at Caffrey after saying the word “others”, a slight smirk on his face appears.

Hayden Callahan: Now, I don’t appreciate you asking me if I want to be the best… I’m not like the others, Anthony, I am the best. I have proven to be the best time and time again. I know who I am, you don’t. I think it’s time you need to realise who you’re fucking dealing with here, who you’ve come face to face with here without any warning, who you’ve asked to be your partner for the Anzac Cup…

Again, Hayden points right at Caffrey.

Hayden Callahan: I want to be the winner of the Anzac Cup, I want to be the winner of the XHF Rumble, I want to become XHF X*Crown Champion and XHF Tag Team Champion… Do you want to know who I want to be? Because I don’t think you do.

Hayden gets right into Caffrey’s face, nose to nose with the self-proclaimed “best”.

Hayden Callahan: Let me ask you again, Anthony… Do you want to know who I want to be?

This time, Hayden points to himself as he looks right into the eyes of Caffrey, like staring into the devil’s soul.

Hayden Callahan: I want to be Hayden fucking Callahan.

No one makes a sound in the backstage area as the two men look like they’re about to swing on one another. Finally, Caffrey begins to nod. He points to Callahan.

Caffrey: Well now… that’s the right answer.

A man of so many words, Caffrey is rendered to just a few of them as he takes in the gravity of what Callahan has said. He smiles his sinister smile, taking a few steps back and beginning to go.

Caffrey: I’ll see you around.

The two exchange a nod as Caffrey walks off, beginning his pre-match stretches and final preparations for his battle with Syberus. The camera cuts.

[edwarddubin0604]

(Team Fairtex is watching the monitor their arms crossed and shaking their heads the expressions on their faces in sad ruefulness sighing as they tsk while rewinding Rally and Tuxedo mask's promo."

Tong Fairtex: Oh woe is rally and Tuxedo Mask. We give them respect and they start resulting to immature school boy insults. Then again what do you expect from The New Society of the New Breed."

Phantam Fairtex: "Insults and all this rambling about this and that and everything else that doesn't involve our match."

Tong Fairtex: "Where shall we begin brother Phantam."

Phantam Fairtex: "How about Rally's hygiene and sex life."

Tong Fairtex: "Good one Phantam. You know Rally if you and Tuxedo Mask are attempting to win by forfeit or scare us away because you have flagella and trying to avoid the coronavirus. Well you can throw that bad excuse out the window or better yet throw it out with that diseased gi of yours."

Phantam Fairtex: "We're not going to wear surgical masks or gowns just to wrestle you. We're not going to wrestle you six feet apart and give you the excuse of bragging that we're afraid of you which we are not I might add. You're going to haveto earn the victory and not fall on the sympathy of the referee because you have some disease that makes you unpopular with prostitutes. Fuck it's a lifesaver for you being you don't have to worry about supporting any more women when they have your children."

Tong Fairtex: "That's a godsend that you don't have to worry about that Rally. Maybe you can save some money for the other women in your life and have some left over for a lifetime supply of gi's. So what do we answer next to set the record straight if they know what straight is and we know The New Society of the New Breed isn't straight with anyone."

Phantam Fairtex: "How about how they made fun of our names."

Tong Fairtex: "Yeah they did that didn't they. You know Rally if you think we're going to fall for that shit and you think you're going to get into our heads. Well guess what Rally. It's not going to happen and it never will happen, since we've been through that more times than you can count the calories in your diet and we know you probably consume more calories than you can count. So go ahead and call us a couple of hypocrites since you're just that as well."

Phantam Fairtex: "So shall we concentrate on something else they said like say our names."

Tong Fairtex: "It's funny that you should mock our names since it's a fairly common name in Thailand. It doesn't matter if someone named a world famous gym Fairtex since like I said it's a common name just like Jackson. Now since you were in the world of martial arts I bet you probably know a lot of Jackson's to name....Oh wait you don't know all the Jacksons so you probably think Jackson isn't a common name. Too bad Rally did we hurt your feelings. Are you going to start tearing up the buffet table and eat everything including the paper plates and cheap plastic ware."

Phantam Fairtex: "We all know he will brother Tong."

Tong Fairtex: "Now what else was said that was pathetic and laughable."

Phantam Fairtex: "Oh nothing much significant except Rally mocked our father."

Tong Fairtex: "You know brother that's really funny since he's trying to get us all upset to get a rush but you now what brother Phantam."

Phantam Fairtex: "What."

Tong Fairtex: "He's not going to pull that shit on us since he trashes our father and he claims that The Shootfighter isn't his real name."

Phantam Fairtex: "hey Rally since you seem to be the expert tell us what he real name is...."

(Phantam mockingly puts his hand to his ear.)

Phantam Fairtex: "I can't hear you Rally. Can you speak up so we can hear you say his actually name....Oh I'm sorry we still can't hear you Rally. Can you scream his name out."

Tong Fairtex: "Yeah just as we thought Rally. You don't know his name and you never did and never will. I guess you just let that slip your brainless skull. Oh and another thing you never wrestled our father in Hardkore World. If you did show us the match you and Shootfighter were in that's not poorly spliced together and posted on that overdue unpaid for Instagram account of yours which you'll delete and deny it was there."

Phantam Fairtex: "You see Rally you're just talking bullshit because you don't have anything else to say that makes sense and that's typical of your running buddies. At least 'Timeless' Alex Turner and Anthony McCaffrey have more brains and more intelligence than you have in that calorie and germ infested body of yours. I believe it's called senility or worse Alzheimer's disease."

Tong Fairtex: "Yeah desperate and pathetic is Rally and Tuxedo Mask. Now speaking of whom can you believe his aspirations of being a K-Pop star."

Phantam Fairtex: "You know what's so funny about that Tong."

Tong Fairtex: "That a man from Japan wanted to be part of a Korean Pop group."

Phantam Fairtex: "Oh woe is Tuxedo Mask. He can't tell a J Pop band from a K Pop band."

Tong Fairtex: "You know Tuxedo Mask you should have made a choice about singing bad karaoke in front of thousands of imaginary fans or wrestling. Why not just play Guitar Hero and pretend what you could have been and reality. You do know what reality is don't you Tuxedo Mask. I don't think you do since you seem to believe you could have been something you aren't but then again why should you care."

Phantam Fairtex: "Yeah living on borrowed time and not being able to pay it back just to live out all their old glory and pad their future Hall of Fame resumes. Well New Society of the New Breed it's not going to happen. Tonight in a matter of moments we'll step into the ring with you for our SWAT World Tag Team Championships. We know it's going to be tough. We know it's going to be a war in the ring but then again we expect that in every match we have."

Tong Fairtex: "Now you probably feel we're going to be looking right past you but guess what Rally and Tuxedo Mask. We don't look past anyone and that includes you. After tonight KGB will hold all the gold like 'Timeless' Alex Turner correctly predicted. Syberus is going to go down like the loser he is and so is that joke of a leader of yours Jonnie Valentine. There's not going to be any doubt who's the better team and that's Team Fairtex."

Phantam Fairtex: "Then Tuxedo Mask is going to go into an alternate reality and recruit either Jonnie Valentine or Syberus to team with him in his quest to get the tag team gold off us. Some advice for you Tuxedo Mask and please take it seriously and ponder it wisely which isn't in your vocabulary. Just give it up and retire and then you can play pop music all you want and ssve yourelf the embarrassment and shame of losing championship matches in the ring and staying a mid-carder for the rest of your life. Please take our advice so you won't humiliate yourself."

Tong Fairtex: "Knowing him he won't take any wise advice since he prefers to do Jonnies bidding and cut shitty promos with the rest of The New Society of the New Breed. Isn't that how it always goes Phantsam."

Phantam Fairtex: "Yeah it is brother Tong."

Tong Fairtex: "Well tonight we're going to be presenting a true reality to you. Tonight we plan on stepping into the ring as champions and after the bell rings and the referee raises our hands. We plan on leaving as champions and that is true reality New Society of the New Breed. Oh and do everyone a favor and no more asshole promos that will make you look more stupid than you already are. Let's go brother Phantam."

Phantam Fairtex: "Right behind you brother Tong."

(They leave as the scene slowly fades to black.)

[SWAT Team]

[Hate or Glory" by Gesaffelstein hits and Rally Jackson makes his way down the ramp way. He is taking his time and looks seriously out of shape, he gets in the ring and struts around in a confident manner and then cracks his own neck and the ref approaches him and starts patting him down.]

Frank Salazar : The following contest is scheduled for one fall and is for the SWAT TAG TEAM CHAMPIONSHIPS!! Introducing now, hailing from Rio de Janeiro. Coming in at 6’1 and 300 pounds .... representing the Society of the New Breed .... THE GOLDEN GOD ..... RALLY JACKSON!!!

[“Zerospace” by Kidneythieves plays and Tuxedo Mask make his way out. He stands at each side of the top of the ramp for a moment to soak up and encourage the crowd’s cheers. Then, in an ode to his gymnastic ability, he does a cartwheel handspring into a flip down the ramp to start his entrance. Tux slides into the ring under the bottom rope and climbs the turnbuckle for one last bit of adoration before preparing for the match.]

Frank Salazar: And this opponent, also representing the Society of the New Breed from Tokushima, Japan standing 5'8 and weighing 185lbs... TUXEDO MASK!!!

[The crowd pops as Tux and Rally high five.]

[ “UFC Remix” starts up at Team Fairtex make their way out onto the ramp, holding the SWAT Tag Team Championship belts. They look around at the crowd before starting to walk down towards the ring.]

Frank Salazar: And their opponents, from Bangkok, Thailand, at a combined weight of 470lbs... they are the SWAT TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS.... TEAM FAIRTEX!!!

[Tong and Phantam roll into the ring and each hold their belts in the air.]

Jeremy Tucker : It's Tong Fairtex and Phantam Fairtex looking to defend the Tag Team Championships against Rally Jackson and Tuxedo Mask, and stop the Society of the New Breed holding all the gold, at least for an hour or so.

Andrew Fulton: No way the Society end tonight with all the belts.

Jeremy Tucker: It would certainly be a shock if they did. Referee calls for the bell and this tag titles match is underway with Tong starting things off against Rally Jackson.

Andrew Fulton: This could be a mixed martial arts masterclass. Oh, and then there's Tux.

Jeremy Tucker: I think you have high expectations of Rally Jackson, Andy.

Andrew Fulton: What're you saying?

Jeremy Tucker: Well, he's... ahem... not as flexible as he once was?

Andrew Fulton: I hear that.

[Rally and Tong lock up dead centre. Rally just forces him back into the corner with his weight and starts laying in some right hands. He bear hug suplexes him out of the corner.]

Jeremy Tucker: Well it might not be technically sound but it works.

[Tong rolls back to his feet and catches Rally with a mid kick to cut him off. He rocks him back with an uppercut and goes for a spinning heel kick but Rally ducks it and immediately tags in Tux.]

Andrew Fulton: Looks like Rally's had enough already.

Jeremy Tucker: Yeah, here comes the water bottle he keeps under the ring at all times.

[Tux comes in with a clothesline that Tong Fairtex ducks.]

Jeremy Tucker: Tuxedo Mask with an enziguri!!

Andrew Fulton: Tux comes off the ropes with a handspring hurricanrana!!

Jeremy Tucker: No questions over whether or not Tuxedo Mask still has it.

Referee Frederik Gunnarson: 1... (Tong kicks out)

[Tux pulls Tong back to his feet but gets cut off with an uppercut. Tong drops him with a T-Bone suplex!]

Jeremy Tucker: Oh my! Tuxedo Mask certainly felt that one.

[Tux arches his back and holds it as he gets back to his feet. Tong takes hold and crushes him with a gutwrench suplex.]

Andrew Fulton: That hurt.

Jeremy Tucker: Two huge suplexes from Tong Fairtex and the tag team champions are in control as Tong tags in Phantam.

[Phantam climbs the turnbuckle and comes off with a flying kick but Tux moves at the last second; Phantam lands on his feet however and tosses Tux overhead with a jiu jitsu throw.]

Jeremy Tucker: Wow what skill there by Phantam Fairtex to instinctively take down Tuxedo Mask.

Andrew Fulton: The champions are looking good here. The Society of the New Breed may just be too past it.

Referee Frederik Gunnarson: 1... (Tux kicks out)

Jeremy Tucker: Phantam comes off the ropes and takes Tuxedo Mask down with a running shoulder block. He comes off again and this time Tux stoops low, spinning heel kick by Tuxedo Mask!

Andrew Fulton: Tux comes off with a handspring but gets caught!! Into a powerslam!!

Referee Frederik Gunnarson: 1... 2... (Tucks kicks out)

[Phantam drags up Tuxedo Mask and tags Tong back in. The two of them go for the Irish Whip but Tuxedo Mask comes back with a flying cross body and takes them both down!]

Jeremy Tucker: And Tux catching the tag team champions off guard!

Andrew Fulton: He tags Rally back in, who looks like he's just about recovered from his opening 12 seconds in the ring.

[Rally clotheslines Tong Fairtex and applies a leg lock.]

Jeremy Tucker: Rally with the leg lock in place! Tong looks like he's in agony!

Andrew Fulton: Wear down your opponent's leg and you get to lay down at the same time; it's Rally's perfect move.

Jeremy Tucker: The ref is asking Tong Fairtex if he wants to submit but he refuses, he doesn't want to relinquish the SWAT Tag Team Championships that easily!

Andrew Fulton: Rally is really yanking on that leg lock – I'm impressed by the effort he's putting into that.

[Tong Fairtex reaches the ropes the ref forces Rally to break the hold. Tong pulls himself back up to his feet and shakes off his leg.]

Jeremy Tucker: Rally catches Tong Fairtex with a belly to belly suplex! Into a splash!!

Andrew Fulton: Hoooo that's a lot of weight on the abdomen.

Referee Frederik Gunnarson: 1... 2... (Tong kicks out)

Jeremy Tucker: Rally's dead weight aside Tong kicks out.

[Rally staggers back to his feet already out of breath. Tong stumbles back to his and comes charging in but gets caught by a back body drop.]

Jeremy Tucker: Rally Jackson could claim the tag team titles here! He pulls up Tong Fairtex but the champion hits out with a thumb to the eye!

Andrew Fulton: Tux flips over the top and gets the roll up.

Referee Frederik Gunnarson: 1... 2... (Rally kicks out)

Jeremy Tucker: Rally almost caught out there, Tong comes off the ropes with a roaring elbow!!

[Rally is knocked senseless and tumbles back for Tux to make the blind tag. Tong rolls up Rally again for a definite three count but the referee has to explain to Tong that Rally is no longer the legal man!]

Jeremy Tucker: Tuxedo Mask off the ropes with a bulldog!

Referee Frederik Gunnarson: 1... 2... (Tong kicks out)

Jeremy Tucker: Wow, what a match and Tuxedo Mask is once again on the offence. Irish whip to the ropes but Tong Fairtex comes back with a huge flying leg lariat!!

[Tong tags Phantam back in. They hook up Tuxedo Mask for the double suplex but he lands on his feet. Tux tags Rally back in who had only just made it back to his corner and is doubled over out of breath.]

Jeremy Tucker: Come on Rally, it's not over yet.

[Tong takes Tuxedo Mask over the ropes with a clothesline and the pair of them tumble to the mat below. Rally takes what seems like an age to step through the ropes.]

Jeremy Tucker: Phantam comes in with a flying body splash but Rally side steps it and Phantam hits the turnbuckle!

[Phantam falls to the mat and Rally senses an opportunity and starts climbing the top rope.]

Andrew Fulton: Where's he going?

Jeremy Tucker: Uh Oh.

[The crowd start to buzz as Rally hoists his frame up to the top turnbuckle.]

Jeremy Tucker: What's he going for here?

Andrew Fulton: Rally Jackson is just going to throw his whole weight at Phantam from the top rope- I wouldn't wanna be on the receiving end!

[The crowd boo as Phantam cuts him off and starts laying in right hands on the top rope.]

Andrew Fulton: Wait, Phantam isn't giving up just yet!

[The pair start trading rights and lefts on the top rope as Rally begins to get the upper hand and rocks Phantam dizzy.]

Jeremy Tucker: Wait, what's this?! Rally going old school! Piledriver off the top- RIO DEAL!!!

[Phantam goes deadweight and Rally just drapes the arm.]

Referee Frederik Gunnarson: 1... 2... 3!!!

[The crowd reach their feet as "Hate or Glory" by Gesaffelstein plays again. Tux rolls back into the ring to receive the belts and help Rally back to his feet.]

Frank Salazar: Here are your winners and the NEW SWAT TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS... RALLY JACKSON AND TUXEDO MASK!!!

Jeremy Tucker: The Society of the New Breed at the moment at least have all the gold!

Andrew Fulton: I can't believe it, but a piledriver off the top rope will put anyone away.

[Tong checks on Phantam as Rally and Tux start to make their way back up the ramp with the belts.]

Jeremy Tucker: Something tells me it's not the last we'll see of Team Fairtex in the Tag Team division here in SWAT.

[Justin]

A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away…

[Well, that’s not entirely true.]

[Real talk, it was more like a couple of weeks ago at a UTA television taping in Las Vegas at the FWF arena. Try not to get lost in all the acronyms. The normally bustling hallways in the backstage area are unusually quiet, as this happened to be one of the first “no fans” empty arena events that have since become all the rage across the wrestling landscape.]

[Kirby Jackson swaggers his way through, a smile plastered all the way upside his head. He’s overjoyed at his success earlier in the afternoon in a match taped for a B-Show that would never actually air, what with UTA going tits to the wind something like a week after this very event.]

[Kirby, better known as K-JAX in much smaller circuits, has a goofy smile plastered across his bearded face that’s every bit of three miles wide. His hair was on fleek in the way that only a tu-toned mullet could be. All of that, the feathered earrings dangling from each ear, and the pink sunglasses perched across the bridge of his nose were just the beginning of the K-JAX situation.]

[Mauve ascot: ✔️]

[Blue leopard-print vest: ✔️]

[Matching fanny-pack: ✔️]

[Extra-Shmedium pink lycra trunks: ✔️]

[Matching calf-high boots: ✔️]

[The entire package was on display, as this was to be Kirby’s big debut on the national wrestling scene. Not to mention, his first time wrestling in front of more than a few dozen people in a high school gym, American Legion Hall, or what have you.]

[Around the next corner the newcomer found himself stopped in his tracks. Blocking Kirby’s path was the massive frame of the at-that-time UTA Champion Lunchbox Larry. Larry had the FWF-turned-UTA title belt strapped around his waist and his trademarked lunchbox in firm grasp. The champ’s attention was focused on a bulletin board with various UTA and XHF related flyers and info-dumps tacked to it.]

[Nobody else was around because of the goddamned Covid-19, so K-JAX decided to introduce himself to the champion. He cleared his throat, loudly.]

K-JAX:
*AHEM!*

Lunchbox Larry:
Oh, hey… you! Didn’t hear ya walk up.

[The champ takes a moment to get a real good look at Kirby.]

Lunchbox Larry:
Killer threads, man.

[Kirby cocks an eyebrow in response.]

K-JAX:
Says the grown ass man carryin’ a lunchbox?

[Something of a tense moment passes as Larry tries to decipher whether or not that was an insult or innocent observation. He jabs his empty hand out toward the newcomer along with a welcoming smile. Complex nuance of most social situations being well beyond him.]

Lunchbox Larry:
Name’s Larry, Lunchbox Larry, and you?

K-JAX:
Kirb-, er, K-JAX… they call me K-JAX.

[They shake, awkwardly.]

Lunchbox Larry:
They do?

[Kirby nods.]

Lunchbox Larry:
Man, I’ve been trying to spread my own nickname around the back and it hasn’t caught worth a lick…

[Lunchbox spreads open hands out toward the aether, as if he were showcasing something magnificent.]

Lunchbox Larry:
The Box!

[His baby blue eyes turn starry. After an awkward moment of silence, Lunchbox snaps out of it.]

Lunchbox Larry:
Anywho, K-JAX, it’s good to meet’cha!

[Kirby raises an eyebrow before changing the subject, directing Larry’s attention back to the bulletin board on the wall.]

K-JAX:
What’cha lookin’ at?

[Larry points to one, particular flyer:]

Coming in April
SWAT Wrestling presents:
The 4th Annual Anzac Cup
(all expenses paid round-trip to Australia included!)

Lunchbox Larry:
Trying to figure out what the hell an Anzac Cup is.

[Kirby leans in and gives it a once-over.]

K-JAX:
Looks like some kinda tag-team tournament.

[The Box nods.]

Lunchbox Larry:
Hmph.

[Another moment passes as the Charismatic Dragon performs a mental calculation of the situation unfolding right in front of him.]

K-JAX:
Do you wanna go to Australia, Larry?

[Lunchbox shrugs like a pre-teen responding to an obvious question.]

Lunchbox Larry:
I mean, yes?

K-JAX:
You, ah, got a partner?

[His eyes go wide and a quick head shake is accompanied with some hand waving.]

Lunchbox Larry:
Oh, I’m not gay, Kirb-

K-JAX: [interrupting]
DUDE! A TAG TEAM PARTNER! THE FUCK?

[Ever seen a cooked lobster still in the shell? Yeah, that’s the color of Larry’s face.]

Lunchbox Larry:
OHMYGODIMSOSORRY!

K-JAX:
Look at me, Larry, do I look gay?

[Larry’s eyes inquisitively do a once over.]

[Pink sunglasses. Mauve ascot. Blue leopard-print vest and fanny-pack. Pink trunks and knee-pads. Feathered earrings.]

[...]

Lunchbox Larry:
Yeah, no, totes straight.

[Larry looks down at his feet and does that thing where you draw a circle on the ground with your toe.]

Lunchbox Larry:
… totes...

[This isn’t getting awkward at all.]

K-JAX:
Australia, Larry, the Anzac Cup. You and me. Yesnomaybe?

[...]

[The Champ furrows his brow momentarily.]

Lunchbox Larry:
Friggit. Let’s do this…

[Larry juts out his hand again.]

Lunchbox Larry:
Partner!

[Much like two mega-powerful men before them, the The Box and The Charisma Kid shake hands and the universe shudders at the thought.]

[Soutter]

[Peel their caps back by Ice T hits as we switch back to the ring, there is a couch and a coffee table and the set of Suites Suite is in the ring. We see the Bandit Mobil heading to the ring, The Suit, Mad Dog Paul Soutter standing in the back of it with The Compton Colossal Bruno beside him, arms folded, muscles bulging and dark sunglasses on. The fans booing, some cheering and showing the KGB colors.].

[On the SWAT tron we see doctored footage of Tom Cruise jumping up and down on the couch imposed in the ring. Then more doctored footage showing Rick James/ Dave Shappelle on his back stamping his feet on the couch. FUCK_ YO_ COUCH. Now a shot of Heidi giving Suit a lap dance on the couch on the SWAT tron.]

Soutter : Welcome to SUITS SUITE!!!

You know, this segment, The Suite! The top rating segment show in the whole industry, I made it to give the guys in the back a place to shine! Where they can come out here, and get a rub from The Founder and get themselves over. We know you skim past most of each others shit, but when you are on the Suite, people take notice!

That’s the type of guy i am. I am giving like that. I don’t need to chase the spotlight, the spotlight chases me. I don’t even need to wrestle no more, the dream is SWAT won’t need ME to wrestle any more either. That day is getting closer. Not right now, but, closer.

So, what happens when you generously provide a platform for the guys in the back to help get them over. They snicker behind your back and even to your face. Take Timeless for example. We’ll get to that in just a minute, but first things first, you all are probably wondering who will be my guest tonight on the Suite. Well, tonight, we are going to mix things up a bit. So, Jerry. Get your ass in here.

Jeremy Tucker looks around in confusion. ‘What me’ he mouths and points to himself.

Soutter : Yes. You turkey. Get your ass in here.

Jeremy Tucker hesitantly enters the ring, very wary.

Soutter : Come on, don’t you know i have gone soft. I am not going to do anything to you.

Jeremy Tucker : Look, this is all very irregular, i am not a wrestler. I am a commentator.

Soutter : Damn straight you are. One of the very best in the business. Take a seat. (Suit pats the longue.) Last time we spoke, was at New Yeas Nightmare, when we did the exclusive youshoot, well, tonight, i want to switch it around here on the Suite. Tonight, i am the guest, and YOU are the host.

Jeremy Tucker : Me the host?

Soutter : Yes, keep up man. Ask me anything you want also, no fear of reprisal.

Jeremy Tucker : Ok. Well, first thing that comes to mind is you just mentioned Timeless, seems he has made no secret of his feelings regarding the demise of Joe Pesci and the power structure in the KGB.

Soutter : He is developing into quite the hot head. I am a patient man, but i’ll tell you something Jerry, if he wants to take over the Bandits, rule of the street says step up and stake your claim. We can settle it right here in the ring. If not, sit down and shut the fuck up. He best worry himself about James Fierce. That man is the best tag team partner i have ever had, and Sir Winsalot, well, he has just lost in consecutive weeks to Syberus and Caffrey. Tell you what Timeless, if you lose to Fierce, don’t worry about where you stand in the Bandits, cause you will be out on your keister. Joe Pesci and i had a love hate relationship, he got ahead of himself and he had to go, that simple.

Jeremy Tucker : Ok. What about tonight, you have the Commissioner Zoran Sainovic for the X Crown Championship. How does that work?

Soutter : Talking about people who have gotten ahead of themselves. This guy Zoran takes the cake. Sure, he stepped up for SWAT and went to Supremacy and captured the XHF’s crown jewel. I was real happy for him. He worked hard and he brought home the bacon ..... BUT ...... but then he stuck his nose in Bandit Business! He stuck his nose in MY business!

Talk about getting too big for your britches. He needs a wake up call. I am just the man to give it to him. Sure, he did a good job bringing that gold here to SWAT, but just around the corner, it’s up on the line again in the XHF rumble, and if we want it to stay in SWAT, then, time for a substitution. Out with the glorified manager slash pen pusher, in with THE MENACE!

Jeremy Tucker : You think you have more chance of bringing the belt back to SWAT after the rumble than Zoran?

Soutter : I know it Jerry.

Jeremy Tucker : He’s hot right now, super over.

Soutter : He sure is. Don’t get me wrong, he is great at what he does. Which is politics. Unfortunately for him, i can play that game as good as anyone .... and ... I’m not just a Suit Politician ... I AM A GOD DAMN FIGHTER!!

Jeremy Tucker : We all know what you can do in this ring. No one doubts that.

Soutter : 110% Syberus Jackass does. You hear that fool out here calling the Soutter Special a pump handle slam? I have beaten him though, many times, he was right about that. Oi SYB! Pay attention later tonight, it’s a Rikishi Driver! Watch closely as i give you a demonstration, courtesy of Zoran Sainovic in the main event tonight, when i hoist him up and drive his lifeless carcass skull first right into the mat!

Jeremy Tucker : We haven’t seen you in the ring since New Years Nightmare, why is that?

Soutter : As i said, i shouldn’t need to be here anymore. The Bandits are on top of the world, we swerved EVERYONE at New Years Nightmare, when Frostbite joined us, NO ONE saw it coming. NO ONE! He and I went to war, and he won my respect, after that swerve, he had all the momentum in the world, he fell short a few times going for the Gold, but i know his day is coming, he never gives up, i know that better than anyone, and we have spoken and he knows what he needs to do to take it to the next level, i have full faith he will do so.

Jeremy Tucker : Back onto the X Crown. If you want the gold back here in SWAT after the Rumble, wouldn’t we have more chance of that happening if you and Zoran were BOTH in the Rumble.

Soutter : No doubt, but he poked the bear. I have owed him since Industrial Man returned for last years Anzac Cup and they blindsided me on this very show Suits Suite. I have a long memory, and as i said, i am a very patient man. I was happy sitting by watching his reign, there has been some interesting matches, ratings are up, it’s good for everyone, but he should have known as everyone else does, get in my face and i will knock you the FUCK OUT!

Jeremy Tucker : This certainly is shaping up to be a big feel fight main event. Any last words before we get back to the action?

Soutter : That’s exactly what it is going to be, a FIGHT! I am the Centre of Attention!

The Big Bad Bustling Bandit!

The Founder!

THE MENACE!

The Mad Dog of Melbourne!

The Suit! Paulie Mutha Fuckin SOUTTER!!!

I got the Skill to Thrill!

The Name to Entertain!

I’m Loud and Proud and Well Endowed!

Later tonight, i am going to become the XHF X Crown Champion .... and i LILKE IT LIKE THAT!!!

[Ice T Peel their caps Back hits and Bruno is smiling patting Soutter on the back as the crowd are chaffing at the bit for the main event to get under way.]

[King Syberus]

[ A fuzzy dancing characterised “3” appears on screen. ]

Announcer: Ah, you made it to 11pm. Jolly good. Now on BBC3 back for another series it's the nation's favourite game show, “Are They Rubbish?”

[ We switch to 110% Syberus dressed in a casual suit but with percent signs clearly all over his shirt, he seems to be in the rafters of the TV studio. ]

110% Syberus: Hello and welcome to the show that sorts the good from the bad, the “haves” from the “have-nots”, the “how do they make it look so easy?” from the “how do they look at themselves in the mirror?”

“It's ARE... THEY... RUBBIIIIIIIIIIIIISSSHHHH!!!”

[ A theme tune kicks in that's pretty much identical to the UK's version of Deal or no Deal? Theme tune. Classic clips from the show's past fill the screen, such as Syberus celebrating with winners as they are showered with confetti, Syberus getting chased by an aggressive goose, Syberus doing equations with a visiting theoretical physicist etc. etc. ]



[ We switch back to the studio as the music continues to play low key in the background and Syberus zip wires down to the stage as pyro goes off and the crowd continue a rhythmic clap. A couple of stage hands unhook him upon landing. ]

110% Syberus: Wow can you believe it? We're back for another series in the dream machine. Hello left side fans!

Left Side Audience: Woooo!

110% Syberus: Hello right side fans!

Right Side Audience: Woooo!

110% Syberus: Hello St. Catherine's Junior Choir!

St. Catherine's Junior Choir: AhhhhAAAHHHaaahh!

110% Syberus: Hello to our favourite in house chef Michele Roux Jnr!

Michele Roux Jnr: Hello Syberus and today we'll be making a classic glazed lamb rib with a mashed potato that carries a little secret! Find out what at half time.

110% Syberus: See you at half time Chef!

[ The whole time the music and rhythmic clapping has carried on in the background. Syberus hops up onto his podium where three contestants are stood waiting to play. ]

110% Syberus: Aaaalllrighty then. Ace Ventura impression not intended. I know what the viewers at home must be thinking, how at such a difficult time could we be running a show like this? How when such a huge threat to the world, is such a clear and present factor of our daily lives right now can we be carrying on like normal? How when something so horrific and devastating is happening out there to thousands of people, can we parade around here in a comfy TV studio as though everything is tickety-boo? And I'm not talking about Coronavirus, I'm talking about Anthony Caffery dropping two promo's this week! Ahahahaha!

[ Syberus wipes a tear. ]

110% Syberus: No I'm talking about Coronavirus of course. Well not to worry, here in the dream machine we've got safety measures in place. Every other chair in the audience is electrified to ensure social distancing! Hahahahaha!

[ The crowd laughs along, their laughter pierced by intermittent electrical zaps and screaming. ]

110% Syberus: Let's meet the contestants.

Phil: Hi, I'm Phil, an IT consultant from Newquay. 

Debra: Hi, I'm Debra, a Human Resources Assistant from Sheffield.

“Bankable” Jonnie Valentine, who has the SWAT world title over his shoulder: Hi, I'm Jonathan, a famous hand model from California.

110% Syberus: Wonderful!

[ The crowd woop and clap, another zap and scream. ]

110% Syberus: Stay safe, people! Aahahah!

Folks you've no doubt all played this at home so you know the rules.

Jonnie Valentine: Uh...

110% Syberus: But let's go over them again for those living under rocks or that didn't read the powerpoint slides I sent them this morning.

[ His eyes shoot daggers at Jonnie. ]

110% Syberus: We're going to give you a variety of questions to earn “Rubbish?” Points over eleven rounds. Each round consisting of four questions except round eight which has-

[ He cups his ears to the whole crowd. ]

The Whole Crowd: FOUR BONUS QUESTIONS!

110% Syberus: FOUR bonus questions worth 17 “Rubbish?” Points each. And of course...

…as always...

[ There's a DUN DUN DUUUUUN and the crowd starts to boo. Skulking in the shadows behind Syberus twirling a truncheon is a stereotypical 1960's British police officer with a domed helmet. ]

110% Syberus: Watch out for Constable Crooks who's gonna NICK YA when...

[ He cups his ears to the whole crowd again. ]

The Whole Crowd: WE WOULDN'T GO THAT FAR!!

110% Syberus: When we WOULDN'T go THAT far!

[ Jonnie starts to panic sweat, frantically looking through his phone for the powerpoint Syberus e-mailed over. ]

110% Syberus: Then ONE lucky contestant, who amasses the most “Rubbish?” points will take on the gruelling PYRAMID OF PAIN!

[ The crowd rupture into cheers as we pan over to an Aztec-Style pyramid full of climbing wall grips, slime buckets, nets and moving components with a golden peacock statue at the top. ]

110% Syberus: For a chance to win a HOST of prizes, what've we got today David?

[ The camera pans to David Beckham in an announcer's booth. ]

David Beckham: Up for grabs today we've got a pair of in-ear Sony Walkman Headphones!

Crowd: Oooohh!!

David Beckham: Solve all your culinary woes with a Kenwood electric mixer!

Crowd: Oooohhh!!

David Beckham: Coronavirus getting you down? Escape to the countryside for a relaxing weekend with a trip for two to wonderful Ampleforth in Yorkshire! After Coronavirus has ended of course.

Crowd: Oooohhh!!

David Beckham: And grab the golden peacock for today's STAR PRIZE – UK parliament's very own ceremonial mace!

Crowd: OOOooohhhh!!!! *Zaps, screams*

110% Syberus: WOW what a haul we have today. Folks are we ready for our first round of questions. Now these are gonna come fast and I have to take your first answer. Ready?

Phil: Yep.

Debra: Ready as I'll every be. Hehehe.

Jonnie Valentine: Yes?

110% Syberus: Alright first to the buzzer. Round one.

On ITV's beloved Soap “Inglebrook Farm” who was worse, Betty Hacklethwait or Roger Greeves?

[ Jonnie buzzes in. ]

Jonnie Valentine: With name like Betty Hacklethwait, It's got to be Roger.

[ There's a murmur about the audience and some uncomfortable shuffling. ]

110% Syberus: Got to be Roger? Got to be?! The town Vicar that saved the orphans from the frozen lake, over Betty Hacklethwait, who scammed the local second-hand book shop owner Terry Nightingale out of his pension fund??

[ Debra tuts and shakes her head. ]

110% Syberus: That leaves the question open, *he rolls his eyes* as if it wasn't already.

[ Phil buzzes in. ]

Phil: Betty.

#DING!#

110% Syberus: One “Rubbish?” Point to Phil! Alright, don't worry Jonnie we'll put that down to nerves.

[ Jonnie cracks his neck. ]

Jonnie Valentine: I'm good.

110% Syberus: Question two, out of classic 90's Brit Pop acts Oasis, Blur and Supergrass... ONE of these bands is actually rubbish. Which is it?

[ Debra buzzes in. ]

Debra: Blur.

#DING!#

110% Syberus: Correct! Grab yourself a “Rubbish?” point! Next question, classic sci fi comedy Red Dwarf, good or rubbish?

[ Phil Buzzes in. ]

Phil: Series 1-6 good, 7 onwards rubbish.

[ There's a tense pause, Syberus looks around. ]

110% Syberus: You know what?

HE'S ONLY GONE AND DONE IT!

#DING!#

110% Syberus: Another great answer from Phil but don't worry Jonnie, this can all change.

Final question of the round, who is Anthony Caffery worse than?

[ Jonnie buzzes in. ]

Jonnie Valentine: Oh! Uh... um...

110% Syberus: Need an answer.

Jonnie Valentine: Uh... James Corden?

[ Sirens go off accompanied by flashing blue and red lights and the crowd roar, Jonnie looks around him confused. ]

110% Syberus: Uh-Oh!! You know what THAT sound means!!

The Whole Crowd: WE WOULDN'T GO THAT FAR!!!

110% Syberus: We would go THAT far! Ohhhh Jonnie I'm afraid that means you're eliminated from the competition.

Jonnie Valentine: Damn it... I could've really used that mixer.

[ Constable Crooks comes out twirling his truncheon again. ]

110% Syberus: Oh and here comes Constable Crooks and he does NOT look happy!

Constable Crooks: 'Ere! You're NICKED son!

[ Crooks handcuffs Jonnie and leads him away, he looks over his shoulder nervously at Syberus. ]

110% Syberus: But don't worry because “down the station” you've got one last chance to win yourself a consolation prize. Let's play... WHO'S MOST RUBBISH??

[ The audience cheers as Jonnie is lead away from Phil and Debra and onto a second platform which rotates to a mock jail cell. Syberus joins them. ]

110% Syberus: Alright, alright. So Jonnie we're sorry to lose you, but have you had fun?

Jonnie Valentine: I don't actually know.

110% Syberus: That's the spirit. But it's not over yet and you may not go home empty handed. You get the chance to play for our very own “Are They Rubbish?” cordless telephone!

Crowd: Oooohhhh!

110% Syberus: We're going to reveal two people and all you have to do is decide who's most rubbish. Guess correctly, and you take that wonderful telephone set home, with a lifetime of memories.

[ Two screens are lowered from the ceiling and flick into life, on one we see Anthony Caffery and on the other, Trent Jones. ]

110% Syberus: And would you believe it, what a coincidence, it's our respective opponents this week Anthony Caffery and Trent Jones!

Crowd: Booo!

110% Syberus: And you're not alone – I'm right here with you to bounce ideas off but the final say is yours.

Jonnie Valentine: God, this is tough. Trent Jones is REALLY bad. Have you watched his stuff? Yeesh.

110% Syberus: But Caffery on the other hand, his best response was basically “I know you are but what am I?”

Jonnie Valentine: Why do I suddenly really want that cordless phone.

110% Syberus: It has that effect.

[ Two models in glittered dresses stand either side of a pedastal with the “Are They Rubbish?” branded cordless telephone set on a velvet cushion. ]

Jonnie Valentine: I could take calls in any room...

110% Syberus: Jonnie?

Jonnie Valentine: Right, right. This is really hard, I mean they're both rubbish.

[ Shocked gasps from the audience precede an anxious silence. ]

110% Syberus: What did you say?

Jonnie Valentine: Is said it's really hard, they're both rubbish.

#DINGDINGDINGDINGDING!!!!#

110% Syberus: Is the correct answer!!

Jonnie Valentine: No that wasn't- oh, okay.

[ The crowd roar as the two models bring the cordless phone over to Jonnie and Syberus puts his arm around him. ]

110% Syberus: There we are folks my good friend Jonnie Valentine is not going home empty handed – unlike Trent Jones and Anthony Caffery am I right? Hahahah!

Jonnie Valentine: Hahahaha!

Crowd: Hahahahah!

110% Syberus: Yes it is a matter of fact that they are indeed BOTH RUBBISH! But before we get to that we've got a show to finish, let's take five minutes for a speech from Her Majesty the Queen before we find out whether it's Phil or Debra going on to play for the golden peacock!

Back in a jiffy!

[ The crowd applauds as the music starts up again and Jonnie (holding his telephone), Syberus and the models wave at the camera as it fades. ]

[SWAT Team]

[Orion - Eternity (Chillout Version) hits and Turner struts down the aisle, glaring at the crowd with contempt and disgust. Roxylishus stops to interact with one of the crowd, then wretches and turns away heading to the ring, she gets up on the apron and holds the ropes down for Turner.

Roxylishus grabs the mic and passes it to Turner.]

Timeless : I got passion in my pants and i ain’t afraid to show it.

Crowd : I’M, SEXY AND I KNOW IT!

Timeless : No (holding his hand up to block them) Your not! I (points to himself with his thumb) AM!

[Timeless drops the mic and saunters smugly around the ring impressed with himself.]

Frank Salazar : Introducing first, hailing from New Hope, Minnesotta. Coming in at 6’3 and 262 pounds .... accompanied to the ring by Roxylishus ...Representing the KGB .... TIMELESS ALEX TURNER!!!

Jeremy Tucker : This promises to be a wild one, with Timeless telling Fierce it was his initiation back into the Bandits, and Soutter then telling Timeless if he lost, he was OUT of the KGB!

Andrew Fulton : I don’t understand what is going on, we need to all calm down and take a deep breathe.

Jeremy Tucker : Again with the we’s.

The strum of the banjo brings the red blood splatter on the video board as James walks out onto the stage. He looks left and then right slowly shaking his head before a smile creeps across his face.

Frank Salazar : Now introducing his opponent, hailing from Some Holler in VW. Coming in at 6’1 and 255 pounds .... representing the KGB ..... .The Ferocious One .... JAMES FIERCE!!!!!

Andrew Fulton : James looks great, he steps to Timeless and they get chest to chest, Roxylishus moves in beside Timeless and starts yelling at Fierce.

Jeremy Tucker : Timeless and Roxylishus have had enough of the old timers returning and taking his spotlight, they are going to make a point here tonight.

Andrew Fulton : There is plenty of spotlight to go around the entire KGB, it doesn’t have to be this way, it’s not like James is a Marty Donovan or CSK.

Jeremy Tucker : Listen to you Fulton, the voice of reason, never thought i would see the day. Referee Vick Mackey tries to usher Roxylishus out of the ring, Fierce wasn’t even acknowledging her rants, instead staring down Timeless the entire time, she didn’t like that, i didn’t think any man could not notice her, Mackey calls for the bell while apologising to Roxy and this one is under way.

Andrew Fulton : Remember when Mackey snatched her panties, freak is probably wearing them right now, or at least, i would be if i had them.

Jeremy Tucker : They hook up and Timeless sends James across the ring with a text book arm drag.

Andrew Fulton : James quick to his feet and comes in again and Timeless delivers another arm drag. James slams the mat in frustration and Timeless brushes his hands off.

Jeremy Tucker : There is no better arm drag in the game, he truly is a technician of the highest order.

Andrew Fulton : I could watch Timeless arm drag people all night long.

Jeremy Tucker : James moves in for another hook up and quickly plants a knee into the stomach of Timeless, Fierce then with a big blow to the back of Timeless’ neck and forearm grinds the back of his neck.

Andrew Fulton : Timeless runs and bounces off the ropes and then ducks a clothesline from Fierce and bounces off again and James with a back body drop, Timeless lands on his feet and as James turns around, Timeless rocks him with a drop kick! What a drop kick! Best in the business!

Jeremy Tucker : It’s great, but Valentines is a smidge better.

Andrew Fulton : In your dreams Jerry.

Jeremy Tucker : Fierce grabs the leg of Timeless and takes him down and locks him in a knee bar.

Andrew Fulton : Timeless goes to rake the face of James but Fierce catches his finger IN HIS MOUTH! He is biting him Jerry!

Jeremy Tucker : Lucky for James its Timeless’ normal hand, or he may have lost a tooth there.

Andrew Fulton : Would help for family photo’s if he did.

Jeremy Tucker : Timeless howling and Mackey telling Fierce to break the bite, still while he has the bite locked on he also has the knee bar, Mackey begins a count and James breaks at 4.

Andrew Fulton : Both men back to their feet .... Standing chicken wing into a suplex by Fierce! He hasn’t missed a beat, no ring rust on the OG Bandit here.

Jeremy Tucker : Timeless rolls out of the ring for a breather, Roxylishus checking on his finger, and she softly sexily blows on it, somehow, it grows.

Andrew Fulton : Ohhhh, come bite my finger Fierce! What a nurse she makes.

Jeremy Tucker : Mackey starts a count, and Roxylishus gets up on the apron to talk to him and he stares at her with his love eyes, this ref is under her Siren spell Fulton!

Andrew Fulton : He isn’t the only one. Fierce tells her to scram, and she enters the ring and starts telling him the Bandits should be working together and not fighting .....

Jeremy Tucker : WHAM! Running double ax handle from Timeless to the back of Fierce’s head floors him.

Andrew Fulton : Timeless delivers a gut wrench suplex.

Jeremy Tucker : Follows it up with a Full nelson Suplex!

Andrew Fulton : Inverted atomic drop from Timeless, locks on and belly to belly suplex to Fierce! He is a Suplex machine!

Jeremy Tucker : Timeless walks over and starts telling Mackey to call the match off already, that James needs to be rushed to the old timers home, as he does, Roxylishus moves over and stands over him, she raises her arm in the air and starts to grind and the crowd explode.

Andrew Fulton : YES!!!!

Jeremy Tucker : Roxylishus reaches down under her short skirt as she grinds and pulls her panties down ... WHAM! SPLIT SPLASH!!!!

Andrew Fulton : (drooling) Best move in Wrestling EVA!

Jeremy Tucker : Timeless covers James and Mackey drops for the count (right near where the panties landed) ....

One ..................

Two .................

Th ...... (Mackey notices the panties and reaches out and grabs them and stuffs them in his pocket) .... Kick out by Fierce!

Andrew Fulton : Look at Mackey, his bald head is bright red, he just snatched another pair of her panties!!!

Jeremy Tucker : Timeless saw it and has lost it. He gets in the refs face and is screaming at him.

Andrew Fulton : School boy roll up from Fierce ......

Jeremy Tucker : Mackey drops to make the count

One ...............

Two ...............

Timeless kicks out.

Andrew Fulton : STRAIGHT JACKET CAMEL CLUTCH! Fierce locks that on Timeless, he is holding up well, thought as the match progressed he would slow down, but he is right on it.

Jeremy Tucker : Timeless is struggling, looks desperate in there, Roxylishus breaks the hold raking his eyes ... Fierce gets to his feet and she gives him a hurracanrana!

Andrew Fulton : With NO PANTIES! Fierce slumps into the turnbuckle on his butt, and Roxylishus run at him and gives him a BRONCO BUSTER! Wow! I want this initiation when i finally become a full Bandit!

Jeremy Tucker : Will never happen. The crowd is going nuts, they love her Fulton.

Andrew Fulton : So do_I.

Jeremy Tucker : Mackey is just starring, gobsmacked. Timeless runs into the corner now and starts stomping a mud hole into Fierce, forcing him thru the ropes and to the outside.

Andrew Fulton : Timeless heads to the top rope, flies for a splash to the outside but Fierce rolls out of the way.

Jeremy Tucker : Crash landing. Roxylishus now mounts the top rope, but Fierce is on his feet, she flies at him but he catches her in the power bomb position.

Andrew Fulton : He is just holding her up there with no panties on .... i .... i ...... i am speechless.

Jeremy Tucker : Low BLOW! Timeless with a low blow to Fierce and he drops Roxylishus. Mackey starts counting.

Andrew Fulton : Timeless rams the head of Fierce into the steel ring steps.

Referee Vick Mackey : One.

Jeremy Tucker : Timeless lifts James up and Irish whips him into the steel safety guard rail.

Referee Vick Mackey : Two.

Andrew Fulton : Timeless runs at Fierce for a splash but James rolls away again and Timeless slams face first into the guard rail.

Referee Vick Mackey : Three.

Jeremy Tucker : Fierce heads back to the ring but Timeless stops him with a forearm to the back.

Referee Vick Mackey : Four.

Andrew Fulton : James turns around and clubs Timeless with a big right hand.

Referee Vick Mackey : Five.

Jeremy Tucker : Headbutt by Fierce to Timeless. Timeless and Fierce now exchanging blows.

Referee Vick Mackey : Six.

Andrew Fulton : They are heading to the back in this brawl and that idiot Mackey is still counting, let them fight man.

Referee Vick Mackey : Seven.

Jeremy Tucker : Timeless is choking James with some electric cable.

Referee Vick Mackey : Eight.

Jeremy Tucker : Fierce grabs the hair of Timeless and knees him to the head, and again, and again.

Referee Vick Mackey : Nine.

Andrew Fulton : Roxylishus runs and jumps on James and all three slump to the ground.

Referee Vick Mackey : TEN!!!!

Jeremy Tucker : The bell is ringing, this one is a draw, double count out.

Andrew Fulton : What a jib. Timeless doesn’t care, he reels back and socks Fierce with another big right hand.

Jeremy Tucker : Fierce locks him in a headlock, and runs him into the wall down the side of the ramp way towards the locker rooms.

Andrew Fulton : Fierce then slams the head of Timeless into the door frame.

Jeremy Tucker : Timeless is busted open. James see’s a table set up down the corridor and drags Timeless there and lifts him up side slams him thru it.

Andrew Fulton : The match is over guys.

Jeremy Tucker : James gets up and see’s Roxylishus coming towards him again, she stops in her tracks and starts back pedalling.

Andrew Fulton : Chop block! Timeless with a chop block on James. He grabs him and runs him thru a closed door knocking it off its hinges, the KGB locker room!

Jeremy Tucker : This is insane. Both men fall thru the door and as they struggle to their feet and come at each other again, the entire KGB decide this has to end and Soutter, Frostbite, Bruno, Joanne Canelli, The Fairtex Brothers and the Hired Killers, they all jump in and break it up holding them apart.

Andrew Fulton : Wow. What a battle.

Jeremy Tucker : Folks, we’ll be right back after these messages.

[SWAT Team]

Jeremy Tucker: Coming up we have local boy 110% Syberus putting his SWAT International Championship on the line against Anthony Caffrey.

Andrew Fulton: Nearly every sign, every t-shirt in this arena is something about Syberus, and frankly I hate it. Makes me sick. There should be some Andy Fulton merch.

Jeremy Tucker: Who would buy that?

Andrew Fulton: Sexy people, Jerry. Very sexy people.

Jeremy Tucker: Anthony Caffrey has been on a tear through SWAT, using The Process, that devastating ankle lock to remain undefeated.

Andrew Fulton: Caffrey is the future, and tonight he humiliates 110% Syberus in front of his hometown.

Jeremy Tucker: This is the first time 110% Syberus has wrestled in his home of Manchester and it's a lifelong dream. His family and friends are all here tonight to see the Manchester boy done good.

Andrew Fulton: That's not even proper English.

[

[The Manchester Arena's lights go off and the fans immediately begin to boo at the top of their lungs as an intense violin song, “Roundtable Rival” by Lindsey Sterling starts to play. The man behind the music rises out of an opening in the floor, facing the back rather than the ring. The technician's tights read "SWAT Savior" on the back. His entrance is also heralded by a cloud of smoke forming behind him. Caffrey turns to face his detractors and has his trademark sinister smile on his face. The arrogant superstar walks down to the ring, ignoring the fans screaming and jeering. He does not break eye contact with the ring as he walks with a laser focus]

Jeremy Tucker: Anthony Caffrey came to SWAT back in January at the rumble in New York, then defeated former SWAT International Champion Timeless in Paris. He dominated Alex Withers in Athens, Greece earning him this shot tonight against 110% Syberus.

Andrew Fulton: And that's not Brian Acres he tore through, those are all very dangerous wrestlers, and Anthony Caffrey made it look easy.

[When Anthony Caffrey makes it to the ring steps. He reaches down and taps his ankle before pointing at the entrance of the ramp. He then makes a simple motion to mime breaking it in half as if Syberus' ankle was a simple wishbone. Caffrey steps into the ring handing his glasses off to the timekeeper. He looks back at the entrance and gives him one more sinister smile, ready for what Syberus has to offer]

Frank Salazar: "The following contest is scheduled for one fall with a 30 minute time limit and is for the SWAT International Championship! Introducing now, hailing from The Greatest City in the World -- Philadelphia, Pennsylvania! Standing 6 feet 4 inches and Weighing 223 pounds...ANTHONY CAFFREY!!!

[The audience boos and jeers so loudly the Manchester Arena shakes, several air horns go off]

["Two Notes Shy Of An Octave" by Red City Radio kicks off and the Manchester crowd is deafening, Syberus doesn't leave them waiting long though and pushes his way out from the curtain. Syberus pauses and soaks it all in, getting a little choked up. pumping his fist in the air with a "YEAH!!" and swaggering his way down to the ring, high fiving a few fans on his way. He wears a black sleeveless wrestling robe with "The Society of the New Breed" embroidered on the back.

Jeremy Tucker: 110% Syberus living a dream here tonight, finally getting to wrestle in front of his home town.

Frank Salazar : Introducing now, hailing from Manchester, England!!"

[The Manchester Arena interrupts him with an earsplitting pop and chorus of air horns]

Frank Salazar : Coming in at 6’ and 232 pounds ....He is the Current SWAT International Champion.... 110% SYBERUS!!!

[The crowd cheers wildly as 110% Syberus holds up his SWAT International Championship while the air horns pepper the roar. Tommy Milligan signals for the bell as Frank Salazar leaves the ring]

Jeremy Tucker: Anthony Caffrey and Syberus circle one another like lions.

Andrew Fulton: There's alot of talking going on in the ring right now.

Jeremy Tucker: Caffrey and 110% Syberus lock up in a collar and elbow tie-up. Anthony Caffrey grabs a side headlock.

[The Manchester Arena boos the first move of the night by Anthony Caffrey. He smirks at them and rachets up the tension on the headlock]

Jeremy Tucker: Syberus slips his head out and his arms goes over top of Caffery into a headlock of his own.

Andrew Fulton: It's a Headlock Lover's Paradise!

Jeremy Tucker: Anthony Caffrey reaches up and grabs a big handful of hair.

[The English fans boo until Tommy Milligan notices it and starts counting. Caffrey lets him get up to four before he lets go]

Jeremy Tucker: 110% Syberus takes him over into a side headlock takedown.

[Syberus clamps his hands together and squeezes his forearm across Anthony Caffrey's temple. Tommy Milligan slides his hand under Caffrey's shoulder, looking for the pin]

Jeremy Tucker: Syberus presses Anthony Caffrey's shoulders to the mat while still in the side headlock.

Referee: 1...(Anthony Caffrey rolls 110% Syberus into a cradle)

Referee: 1...(110% Syberus kicks out)

Andrew Fulton: Both men try to roll up to a vertical base, but Anthony Caffrey grabs his arm and locks in an armbar.

Jeremy Tucker: Anthony Caffrey pulls back on Syberus' arm, trying to rip it out of it's socket.

Andrew Fulton: Syberus works his way to his feet with Caffrey hanging on to that armbar.

Jeremy Tucker: 110% Syberus scoops Anthony Caffrey up in a bodyslam but Caffrey still has a hold on that arm, so he flips him over, back into the arm bar.

[The Manchester Arena jeers as Caffrey gives them a cocky smile. He finally straightens out Syberus' arm while he's lying facedown, and stomps on his elbow! Syberus snatches back his arm, holds his elbow, and kicks his toes into the mat in pain]

Jeremy Tucker: Anthony Caffrey tries to pull Syberus up, but he grabs Anthony's arm and flips him over into an armdrag.

Andrew Fulton: The SWAT International Champion grabs Caffrey and snapmares him over.

Jeremy Tucker: Anthony Caffrey gets up and runs right into another snapmare.

[The Manchester fans cheer loudly and honk their air horns as Syberus takes him over into another snapmare, and then yet another one. Caffrey gets up dizzy, and then falls into the corner]

Jeremy Tucker: 110% Syberus approaches him into the corner, and ducks a roundhouse right. He lifts Anthony Caffrey up into a back suplex, but Caffrey flips onto his feet behind him. He rakes Syberus' eyes with his fingernails.

[110% Syberus covers his eyes and the audience boos. Anthony Caffrey applies an abdominal stretch]

Andrew Fulton: Now Anthony Caffrey sticks his foot and pulls back on Syberus' trapped arm. Tommy Milligan in perfect position if the SWAT International Champion chooses to quit.

Jeremy Tucker: Caffrey reaches out and grabs the top rope! Come on, ref!

[The Manchester Arena rocks with boos as Anthony Caffrey uses the top rope for balance and leverage. 110% Syberus tries to alert him to it but when Tommy finally looks over, Caffrey lets go]

Andrew Fulton: Sorry, I was lightin me smoke. Where?

Jeremy Tucker: Look, the rope is shaking!

[The boos get louder as Tommy Milligan asks Anthony Caffrey why the rope is shaking. Caffrey replies "You didn't feel that earthquake?" then wrenches back on the abdominal stretch and Milligan goes back to asking Syberus if he wants to give up]

Jeremy Tucker: Anthony Caffrey now reaching back and holding that rope again. Are you going to tell me you can't see that?

Andrew Fulton: Oh, that. Yeah. Good move.

[The booing and air horns get so loud Tommy Milligan looks over and sees Anthony Caffrey using the rope. He starts counting, but Caffrey keeps holding the abdominal stretch]

Jeremy Tucker: 110% Syberus plants his feet and flips Caffrey over into a judo hip toss! He catches Anthony with a dropkick!

[The crowd comes to life and then Syberus settles in with a hammerlock. He pulls up on Caffrey's wrist, putting pressure on his chicken winged arm]

Andrew Fulton: Anthony Caffrey now working his way to his feet with 110% Syberus hanging onto that hammerlock.

Jeremy Tucker: Caffrey pops Syberus in the face with a back elbow to break free from the hammerlock. He rocks him in the jaw with a european uppercut.

[Manchester Arena: Boo!]

Andrew Fulton: 110% Syberus responds with a european uppercut of his own.

[Manchester Arena: Yay!]

Jeremy Tucker: Caffrey pops him with his european uppercut!

[Manchester Arena: Boo!]

Jeremy Tucker: These two standing in the middle of the ring trading european uppercuts like two bulls!

[Manchester Arena: Yay!]

[Anthony Caffrey teeters like he's about to go down, so Syberus spins into a discus clothesline, but Caffrey ducks it and gives him a throat thrust to the windpipe. Syberus goes down to his knees, holding his throat]

Andrew Fulton: Anthony Caffrey got the best of that exchange.

Jeremy Tucker: Caffrey sits on Syberus' back, and applies a camel clutch. He locks his fingers underneath Syberus' chin and cranks back on his head.

[The Manchester Arena starts honking their airhorns and chanting "*honk-honk-honk-honk honk-honk-honk-honk SYBERUS! "*honk-honk-honk-honk honk-honk-honk-honk SYBERUS! "*honk-honk-honk-honk honk-honk-honk-honk SYBERUS!"]

Jeremy Tucker: Anthony Caffrey rocking back on that camel clutch, but Syberus not giving up.

Andrew Fulton: Caffrey irish whips him into the ropes, he ducks down for a backdrop, but Syberus goes over him with a sunset flip!

Referee: 1...2...(Caffrey claps his legs together on Syberus' head)

Jeremy Tucker: 110% Syberus twists his arm and then performs a wristlock takedown into a leg scissors.

[The crowd roars! Syberus clamps down on Caffrey's trapped arm as he pulls up on his wrist. Tommy Milligan asks Caffrey if he wants to tap out, but he shakes his head]

Andrew Fulton: Anthony Caffrey reaches the ropes and Tommy Milligan forces the break.

Jeremy Tucker: 110% Syberus pulls him up by the hair, but Caffrey pokes him in the eye.

Andrew Fulton: Caffrey applies his Dreams And Nightmares full nelson!!

[The audience boos as Anthony Caffrey whips him from side to side. He links his fingers together and pushes Syberus' chin into his chest]

Jeremy Tucker: 110% Syberus backpeddles until he squashes him against the turnbuckles. He smacks Caffrey hard in the throat with a big chop!

[The Manchester Arena lets out a collective "Woo!" Another chop to the throat brings another "Woo!" Syberus blisters him with another chop]

Jeremy Tucker: Syberus lifts Caffrey up into a fireman's carry and then sits him on the top turnbuckle. He steps through the ropes, grabs him by the arm and pulls him down to the floor!!

Andrew Fulton: Oh, Caffrey caught his noggin on the ring steps! I heard it!

[The cheers get deafening as Syberus soaks in the applause. He rolls back into the ring and waits for Caffrey to get to his feet]

Jeremy Tucker: I think you're right, Andy, as Anthony Caffrey now has a small trickle of blood coming from above his eyebrow.

Andrew Fulton: The Savior of SWAT is back on his feet but 110% Syberus gets a running start and baseball slide kicks him back into the railing!!

[The English fans let out a collective "OH!" at the sound of Caffrey's ribcage hitting the railing. 110% Syberus rolls out of the ring to collect him]

Andrew Fulton: Anthony Caffrey comes alive and starts battering Syberus with punches on the outside.

Jeremy Tucker: Syberus twirls around into a roaring elbow that rocks Caffrey in the jaw!

[Crowd cheers loudly! A few air horns go off and then the fans go back to chanting "*honk-honk-honk-honk honk-honk-honk-honk SYBERUS! "*honk-honk-honk-honk honk-honk-honk-honk SYBERUS! "*honk-honk-honk-honk honk-honk-honk-honk SYBERUS!" Syberus rolls Caffrey back into the ring]

Jeremy Tucker: 110% Syberus irish whips Caffrey into the ropes but Caffrey bounces out with a clothesline!

[The cheers turn to jeers and Caffrey wipes some of the blood away from his forehead. He steps on the backs of Syberus' knees, ties their calves, grabs his arms and rolls him up into a surfboard stretch]

Andrew Fulton: Syberus is agony here as Caffrey pushes into the back of his legs with his feet and pulls back on his twisted arms.

Jeremy Tucker: Tommy Milligan checking in but Syberus refusing to give up. After doing some damage, Anthony Caffrey dumps him to the side.

[Syberus rubs his ankle, then a bloody Caffrey pulls him up by the hair. He irish whips him into the ropes, but Syberus ducks a clothesline and back suplexes him]

Referee: 1...2...(Anthony Caffrey gets his shoulder up)

Jeremy Tucker: 110% Syberus applies a headscissors. He locks those legs around Caffrey's neck, cutting off his air.

[The air horns fill The Manchester Arena. Anthony Caffrey locks his legs around the bottom rope and Tommy Milligan forces 110% Syberus to release the head scissors]

Jeremy Tucker: Syberus pulls him up by the arm, but Anthony Caffrey yanks him into a bullhammer elbow smash!! Closing Remarks!

[The fans boo and a bleeding Anthony Caffrey starts strutting around the ring. He walks over and slaps Syberus across the face]

Jeremy Tucker: Oh come on! There's no need for that.

Andrew Fulton: Sez you. Give him another! Yeah, another big slap across his English face! Right in front of his mum and nan, I love it!

[The crowd jeers but Syberus starts getting up so Anthony Caffrey gives him another playful slap! He goes for another but Syberus ducks it and back suplexes him]

Referee: 1...2...(Anthony Caffrey gets his shoulder up)

Jeremy Tucker: Caffrey pulls himself up by the ropes, but 110% Syberus grabs him with a codebreaker!!

[The audience leaps to their feet and start honking their air horns as Syberus motions for Anthony Caffrey to get to his feet]

Jeremy Tucker: 110% Syberus grabs Anthony Caffrey's head with a diamond cutter, and jams him into the mat!!

Andrew Fulton: Anthony Caffrey smartly rolls out of the ring.

[110% Syberus tries to go out after him but Tommy Milligan stops him to try and regain control of this match. A bloody Anthony Caffrey grabs a steel chair]

Jeremy Tucker: What is he doing with that chair?

Andrew Fulton: Winning the SWAT International title, I hope.

Jeremy Tucker: While Syberus is distracted with the referee, Anthony Caffrey smashes his ankle with that chair!!

Andrew Fulton: Oh! He lifts up the chair and jams it hard into Syberus' ankle!! Again!

[The Manchester Arena rocks with boos.]

Jeremy Tucker: Tommy Milligan has called for the bell and obviously Anthony Caffrey has gotten himself disqualified.

Andrew Fulton: Yeah, but there's only going to be one guy walking out of this one. Who's the real winner?

Jeremy Tucker: Anthony Caffrey smashes that chair into Syberus' ankle once again!

Andrew Fulton: Tommy Milligan finally gets in between Caffrey and Syberus to spare him any further injury.

Frank Salazar: "Ladies and Gentleman, referee Tommy Milligan has disqualified Anthony Caffrey. There for, The Winner of this Match..."

[110% Syberus grabs Frank Salazar's leg. He motions for the microphone]

Jeremy Tucker: The champ wants the mic!

Andrew Fulton: It's probably to forfeit the title and ask his parents if he can move back in.

110% Syberus: "NO!! No! That's not...arghh... that's not how it's going to end. Caffrey...argh... I promised these people I would pin you in the middle...arghh...of this ring. And that's...(breathing)...that's what I am going to do."

[The Manchester crowd gives an earsplitting pop as Anthony Caffrey's eyes light up and he smiles]

Jeremy Tucker: What??

Andrew Fulton: Oi, is it Christmas Day?? He can't even stand and he's gonna restart this match?

Jeremy Tucker: This is a terrible idea. I understand that 110% Syberus is in front of his hometown fans. His friends and family were hoping for a definitive victory. But that match is over, that's for another time. Right now the exact part of the body that Anthony Caffrey targets is injured.

Andrew Fulton: Anthony Caffrey thought this would be a huge disadvantage wrestling in front of Syberus home town, but it's looking like it could be the deciding factor!

(Anthony Caffrey screams "Ring the bell!" at Tommy Milligan. A panicked Milligan shrugs and signals for the bell]

Jeremy Tucker: Anthony Caffrey stomps on Syberus' ankle, over and over as he holds the ropes.

Andrew Fulton: Caffrey rolls out of the ring, and drags Syberus' by the foot to the side. He lifts Syberus' foot and slams the back of his ankle onto the apron. And again!

[Syberus yelps out in pain, and rolls out of the ring. A bleeding Anthony Caffrey braces Syberus' foot against the ring steps with his hand and then stomps it hard! The Manchester Arena lets out a collective "OH!" then boos]

Jeremy Tucker: Anthony Caffrey rolls Syberus back into the ring by the corner. He wraps Syberus' legs around the ringpost and applies a figure four!!

[The fans jeer as Caffrey pulls back on Syberus' crossed legs, using the ringpost to do major damage to Syberus' injured ankle]

Jeremy Tucker: Tommy Milligan threatening another disqualification if Anthony Caffrey doesn't break this figure four leglock around the corner post.

Andrew Fulton: Caffrey wisely waits for Tommy to get to four before releasing it.

Jeremy Tucker: Anthony Caffrey rolls back into the ring and grabs Syberus by the leg. He turns him over into a single leg boston crab!

[The audience boos. Caffrey whips his head back to get the blood out of his eyes, as he pulls back on Syberus' ankle and trying to hyperextend the knee]

Andrew Fulton: Tommy Milligan checking in but Syberus not giving up, not yet anyway.

Jeremy Tucker: 110% Syberus twists around until he's out from under it, but Caffrey maintains the leg. Syberus takes him up and over with a monkey flip!

[The Manchester fans leap to their feet! Syberus lies on his back, holding his ankle, while Anthony Caffrey bleeds facedown on the canvas, leaving a small puddle under his face]

Jeremy Tucker: Both men down as Tommy Milligan laying in the double count.

Andrew Fulton: What could either man have left?

Jeremy Tucker: 110% Syberus pulling himself up by the ropes, one legged, with the will of his people urging him on! He grabs Anthony Caffrey in a single underhook...

Andrew Fulton: But Caffrey blocks the Pure Confidence and backdrops him! He grabs Syberus in a single underhook and drops into his own DDT!! Anthony Caffrey hit the Pure Confidence on Syberus!! I don't believe it! He'll never be able to show his face in this town again.

[The crowd chants " Fuck You Caff-rey!! *honk* *honk* *honk* *honk* Fuck You Caff-rey!! *honk* *honk* *honk* *honk* Fuck You Caff-rey!! *honk* *honk* *honk* *honk*" as Anthony Caffrey wipes the blood out of his eyes and lifts Syberus' legs]

Jeremy Tucker: Anthony Caffrey slams Syberus' ankle into the mat!

[Caffrey starts unlacing Syberus' white boot while the Manchester Arena continues with the air horns. "Fuck You Caff-rey!! *honk* *honk* *honk* *honk* Fuck You Caff-rey!! *honk* *honk* *honk* *honk* Fuck You Caff-rey!! *honk* *honk* *honk* *honk*" He sneers back at them revelling in it and tosses Syberus' boot into the crowd]

Andrew Fulton: Nice souvenir for the lot here.

Jeremy Tucker: Anthony Caffrey drags 110% Syberus into the center of the ring and applies The Process ankle lock!

[The boos are deafening as fans cover their faces in dismay. Anthony Caffrey rolls from side to side, twisting Syberus' foot. Syberus fruitlessly tries to reach out for the ropes as Caffrey screams "Tap!"]

Jeremy Tucker: The SWAT International Champion in serious trouble here.

Andrew Fulton: He had the match won, and he could have fucked off to Spain with a successful title defense. But he had to show he had bollocks to his uncles and aunties.

Jeremy Tucker: Tommy Milligan in position if Syberus needs to tap out.

[Syberus grabs his hair in agony as the audience chants "*honk-honk-honk-honk honk-honk-honk-honk SYBERUS! "*honk-honk-honk-honk honk-honk-honk-honk SYBERUS! "*honk-honk-honk-honk honk-honk-honk-honk SYBERUS!"]

Jeremy Tucker: 110% Syberus uses the last of his strength to do a push up and twist around to get back to his feet, but Anthony Caffrey is still hanging on to his leg. Syberus swings around with an enzuigiri kick!

Andrew Fulton: How??

Jeremy Tucker: 110% Syberus hops up to one foot, single underhooks Caffrey, and gives him The Pure Confidence 110%!!

Referee: 1...2...3!!!

Jeremy Tucker: He's done it!

Frank Salazar: "THE WINNER OF THE MATCH, AND STILL SWAT INTERNATIONAL CHAMPION...110% SYBERUS!!!"

[Syberus collapses in exhaustion. The Manchester audience leaps up and down in celebration as "Two Notes Shy Of An Octave" by Red City Radio plays. Tommy Milligan drapes the SWAT International Championship across his chest]

Jeremy Tucker: 110% Syberus was determined to have a definitive end to his first and only match in front of his hometown and he was able to reach down and gut it out at the end here.

Andrew Fulton: Oi, but now he's got a clearly injured ankle, putting a big target that Caffrey and the rest of the SWAT International contenders can exploit.

[Syberus hops to one foot holding his SWAT International Championship high in the air as he basks in the love of the English fans, as one of their own. A bleeding Anthony Caffrey argues with Tommy Milligan that the match should have never restarted]

Jeremy Tucker: Syberus hops out of the ring on his good leg, and steps over the railing to celebrate with his people.

[Manchester fans slap the SWAT International title and Syberus' back as he hugs his family and friends]

[gorgeousgreg]

Gorgeous Greg comments from backstage: La Famiglia is getting ready to get back home....but i do have a message for you. You all saw what happened. They attacked from behind and got their asses kicked anyway... well.La Famiglia is ready for you. And we will take all that you can offer.... But beware....soon my stable is growing we are ready.....but are YOU ready?? Whoooeee

[Jonnie Valentine]

(A cigar chomping Ronnie the Merch Guy and Jonnie Valentine walks into an English pub known as Ye Olde Hungry Hog. Jonnie is still dressed in his Thundercats Lion-O make up with the SWAT World Heavyweight Championship strapped around his waist. They sit at a table] 


Ronnie The Merch Guy: A restaurant with a dart board? People drinkin dark beer at 11:30am? Now I know I'm on Mars. 


(A portly waiter comes up to his table, and is startled by Jonnie's Lion-O make up)


Waiter: Ello? What's all this then?


Jonnie Valentine: This makeup takes four hours to put on, and two hours to take off, so I don't bother lately. We're doing CGI reshoots for The Thundercats movie at Framestore down the road. Apparently test audiences didn't like seeing Snarf's butthole every time he turned around. 


Ronnie The Merch Guy: Dare was a whole department dedicated to dat butthole, and now they're outta job. 


Jonnie Valentine: Sad. When you try and please everyone, you wind up pleasing no one am I right?


Waiter: I dunno, are you?


Jonnie Valentine: I don't know? No one ever asks me that in America. Anyway, I would like one of those classic English breakfasts.


Waiter: Ah, a yank?


Ronnie The Merch Guy: No, tank you. I already had one at the massage parlor. But I will have your finest Egg McMuffin?


Waiter: Fraid we don't got one of those.


Jonnie Valentine: Right, I always forget the difference between Scottish food and English food. I will instead have the BK croissan'wich? That's like an Egg McMuffin, but instead of putting it on a Here Muffin, you put it on a croissant until the grease soaks through. 


Waiter: Yeah, can't help ya on that one either. 


Jonnie Valentine: (incredulously stammering) But, but...Burger King is an English company. He is your king, and he demands fealty! 


Waiter: Look, do you want something or not? I've got other tables. 


Ronnie The Merch Guy: I taught people were supposed to be polite here?? I could get dis treatment at an airport TGIFriday's. 


Jonnie Valentine: (picks up menu) Uhhhh, I'll have the Rooty Tooty Fresh and Fruity. 


Waiter: The what? 


Jonnie Valentine: (exasperated) What in this country is your equivalent of a Grand Slam Skillet Scramble?


Waiter: (writing on his notepad) Right, one "classic English breakfast" coming up. 


Jonnie Valentine: Thank you. 


(Waiter leaves) 


Jonnie Valentine: I thought Trent Jones was going to win a spelling bee before I got some breakfast. 


Ronnie The Merch Guy: So the reason I wanted to sees ya, was ta tell ya dat da Thundacats stuff is flyin off the shelf, kid. Da lunchboxes, da Funko Pops, and we got some hot pre-orders for da Halloween costumes.


Jonnie Valentine: Make sure it comes with the SWAT replica title, I'm still going to have it then. 


Ronnie The Merch Guy: Of course. Would ya getta load a dat mamaluke Trent Jones, Mista Calzones? He tinks ya gay. In my neighborhood, ya catch a bat to da side of da head for sayin dat. 


Jonnie Valentine: Well, Ronnie, I didn't grow up in your neighborhood. Trent thinks anything he doesn't understand is gay. Brushing your teeth is gay, learning a hold is gay, and so is losing your virginity. For Trent, everything that escapes him can be dismissed as gay. Knowing your Dad's name is probably the gayest thing he can imagine, and I'm sure he imagines it quite a bit. 


Ronnie The Merch Guy: I taught the news about the merch would have ya over da moon, champ. What is it? 


Jonnie Valentine: I miss being challenged, Ronnie. His non-stop fables of having a woman do anything but describe him to a sketch artist gives me nothing to work with. He just goes back and forth from antisemitism and homophobia like Steve King. 


Waiter: Here ya go, lads. 


(Waiter puts two English breakfasts in front of them)


Jonnie Valentine: (horrified) What...what is this?


Waiter: Bacon, sausages, eggs, black pudding, baked beans, tomatoes and mushrooms. I'll be back with your tea in a jiffy. 


Jonnie Valentine: Did you say...pudding? You're asking me to have pudding for breakfast?


Waiter: Yeah? 


Jonnie Valentine: I don't know if you're "havin a laugh" with me but we're from America. Our breakfasts are either handheld or in the shape of a clown face. Now you either tell me what movie this breakfast is promoting or take these beans out of my face. Right, Ronnie? 


Ronnie The Merch Guy: I'm done wit mine, except da vegetables. Dose get stuck in yer colon. Saw dat on Dr. Oz. Can I have your bacon. kid? Mine, uh, fell. 


Jonnie Valentine: (dejected) Sure. 


(Waiter nods and leaves. Jonnie tries to eat his breakfast, but Ronnie keeps forking pieces of it off, until it's all gone; save for the tomato and mushrooms)


Ronnie The Merch Guy: Kid, yer not eatin. Dat ain't good. Ya action figure's built like a Greek god. Look at it dis way. (takes his cigar out) You can put a stop ta Trent Jones makin everyone listen ta drawn out stories from meth porn. 


(Jonnie starts to get inspired) 


Ronnie The Merch Guy: You can make it so people don't have to wipe dare internet history at work when dey check out SWAT's website. 


(Jonnie nods) 


Ronnie The Merch Guy: You can be da Thomas Jefferson of trying ta follow what da fuck he's talking about most times. 


Jonnie Valentine: Wait, I don't get that last one. 


Ronnie The Merch Guy: Inn't he da guy dat stopped eating his breakfast until he got what he wanted?


Jonnie Valentine: I think that was Ghandi. 


Ronnie The Merch Guy: (puts his cigar back in his mouth) Den dat guy! 


Jonnie Valentine: You're right. It's time to paint The Manchester Arena with Trent Jones, Mr. Flip Phones' blood and rid it of SWAT's incel. I must figure out the counter to the punch, the stomp, and the kick. Ronnie?


Ronnie The Merch Guy: Yeah, kid?


Jonnie Valentine: Let's go to the Panda Express, and get a real breakfast.


Ronnie The Merch Guy: I taught you'd never ask. I'm starving! 


(Jonnie throws down some money)


Ronnie The Merch Guy: How much is dat?


Jonnie Valentine: I'm sure it's a fortune over here, and that's how I roll. 


(Jonnie Valentin and Ronnie the Merch Guy leave. The waiter walks over and looks at the money)


Waiter: What's this? ONE pound? Bloody yanks...

[SWAT Team]

Jeremy Tucker : Welcome back, last time out Trent Jones didn’t get the big win over Eddie D he hoped for, so he’ll be delighted to get this shot at the gold won’t he?

Andrew Fulton : Delighted? Maybe? It won’t be that unexpected, he’ll feel his star is on the rise. The way Eddie and Trent were smashing the hell out of each other I am sure he would have ideally liked another week of recovery time. We all know there’s no off season for wrestlers, but has this opportunity come too soon for Mr Bones?

The arena lights go out as static is heard on the screen. Then an explosion at the entrance goes off and a dark blue spot light shines on the stage as White Trash Renegade starts playing throughout the arena. Trent Jones steps out wearing black cargo pants and a White Valentine top that says Mr Bones on it. Over the top of the white shirt he has a Graveyard Ryders biker jacket. Trent is wearing black MMA style gloves and he has on a black hat that says Killin It. As he walks slowly to the ring he stretches his neck and shoulders and talks shit to the fans as he make his way to the ring.

Frank Salazar "The following contest is scheduled for one fall with a 30 minute time limit. Featuring first, from Wherever He Damn Well Pleases; Standing 6 feet 6 inches tall; Weighing 354 pounds...TRENT JONES!!!" [/B]

Jeremy Tucker : These two men have been at each other’s throats in hyping up this matchup.

Andrew Fulton : Indeed. Valentine said, no, Judge Jonnie Valentine ruled, that “Trent Jones will be trading in the ol' Harley for a sensible Chevy Sonic so he can Uber fans to Valentine’s matches”… Funny right? I lost a little wee the first time I heard that…

Jeremy Tucker : And what about Trent Jones failing to take his meds in the lead up and the sordid doctor’s appointment.

Andrew Fulton : What about it?

Jeremy Tucker : While the rest of us were cringing at the details he was sharing about his use of Mayo as lube… You were taking notes?!

Andrew Fulton : I am not so arrogant that I claim to know everything. Never let a life lesson pass you buy Jerry.

(Trent Jones pulls an Eddie D toy out of his biker jacket and discards the jacket at ringside… He seems to be arguing with the toy for a moment… Trent bashes it off of the turnbuckle three times and tosses it into the crowd in a rage. Jeremy was going to remark on the strange behaviour, pauses and continues on his original question instead.)


Jeremy Tucker : Even though Trent has had his successes and is a huge individual, do you think Johnny Valentine will be confident of the win here?

Andrew Fulton : When isn’t that arrogant SOB confident of the win Jerry? The fans in England probably appreciate his classic wrestling style so he’s got a big crowd behind him tonight. Without his New Breed buddies or KGB influence at ringside I guess it should make for a genuine fair fight for a change. I’m surprised that stipulation hasn’t been talked about more, because for me it’s a massive call by the commissioner, because it’s probably tough to enforce. It pains me to say it, but Jonnie has been a great champion this far so he won’t fear Trent Jones that’s for sure.

"My Heart Beats With People" by Jonnie Valentine hits and jonnie comes out dressed in a red tasseled jacket with "Monsieur Dropkick" written in cursive lettering on the back. Red trunks and white boots with "JV" embroidered on them. Jonnie jogs down to the ring, slapping fans hands, doing a full lap around the front row. He finds an old lady singing his theme song, and he sings along with her. He pulls on the top rope to vault inside the ring and does the double guns to the crowd, holding the SWAT World Title up in the air for all to see.

Frank Salazar : Introducing now, hailing from Palm Springs, California. Coming in at 5’10 and 234 pounds .... he is the SWAT WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION ..... MONSIEUR DROPKICK .... “BANKABLE” JONNIE VALENTINE!!!!

Jeremy Tucker : Listen to that crowd.

Andrew Fulton : Yep, it’s delusional hero worship like that that pays the bills. Have you seen my new Harley Davidson?

Jeremy Tucker : Well the referee is checking their boots, demanding a clean fight and calling for the bell…

Andrew Fulton : The two men pace around and Valentine and Jones lock up … Valentine manages to get the measure of the collar and elbow tie up and backs Jones up into the corner… The referee calls for the break and Valentine just backs off clean and flexes his muscles to the crowd…. Jones just smiles and the two men circle in the ring again…. Jones goes for the lock up but Valentine slips an arm and gives Jones a swift knee to the guts…. Jones doubles up …. Valentine winds back and gives Jones a huge chop that stands Jones back upright again and staggers him ….. Valentine bounces off the nearest ropes and hits shoulder to shoulder with Jones… Jones is staggered but still up……. Valentine bounces off the ropes again… and hits Jones with forearm smash to the chest, but Jones is still standing….. Valentine is off the ropes for a third time … Jones meets him middle of the ring and they clash in a massive double clothesline…



Jeremy Tucker : Good God that was some impact… Valentine almost did a 180 on his way through … Both men are down but crawling to opposite sets of ropes to get back up … Jones is up first … Jones crosses over to Valentine and begins to choke him out using the top rope….. The referee counts 1...2...3...4…5 and calls for the break but Jones holds on … The referee has to get hands-on and pulls at Trent Jones’ fists… Jones shouts obscenities at the referee as he releases the choke, but on his way out of the hold he thumbs Valentine in the eye ….. Valentine backs away into the corner holding his eye … The referee threatens Jones with a DQ for the choke and the thumb, but Jones shoves the referee out of his way and goes to charge Valentine with a big knee ….. Valentine makes a clever roll out of the way and Jones slams knee first hard into the turnbuckles …… Jones winces as he hops out of the corner holding his knee ….. Valentine is waiting for him in the middle of the ring …. Belly to belly suplex! … Valentine covers…

…1 … 2… kick out! …

Andrew Fulton : Valentine drags up the winded Jones and picks the big man up! ...holds him across his chest and pauses… Fallaway slam! …Valentine is staying down though… That move clearly took its toll and Valentine is holding his lower back after that impressive feat of strength… Jones is up first… Jones drags Valentine back up and whips him into the corner ….. Jones follows up and just meets a knee to the face and Jones staggers away and down to one knee in the middle of the ring… Valentine winces and eases himself up to the second rope… Valentine dives out with a diving double axe handle to the head and Jones is struck down… Valentine covers

…1 … 2… kick out! …

Jeremy Tucker Valentine back up gingerly, drags Jones up and whips him into the corner … Valentine follows in with a clothesline and it looks like Jones felt all of that connection… Valentine whips Jones into the opposite corner…follows in looking for a splash, but Jones gets a big boot up in time… Wow, the fillings must’ve been shaken loose with an impact like that… Valentine shakes off the cobwebs and comes back for more … Jones goes to give Valentine a big kick but Valentine catches the boot with both hands … Jones looks concerned and helpless as he hops on his standing leg… Valentine grasps the ankle in one hand and slams his free forearm down on the knee… Jones swears out loud in pain… Jones makes a clumsy attempt at an enziguri and misses with the kick …..



Andrew Fulton : Ouch… Jones hits the mat awkwardly… Jones has clearly twisted his knee as Valentine still has Jones’s foot in his grasp … Valentine drops the leg down heavily on the mat and follows down on the knee with an elbow drop … Valentine slips around and applies a knee bar… The referee is checking on Jones … Jones swears at the referee… clearly doesn’t want to give up … Valentine has it locked in and Jones is looking more and more uncomfortable… Jones manages to get a hand on Valentine’s forehead, but Valentine shakes the hand off …



Jeremy Tucker Jones winces and chucks out some colourful language… Jones reaches around again and gets a hand around Valentine’s chin, but Valentine flexes his neck and shakes the hand off



Andrew Fulton : …Jones reaches down again this time raking at Valentine’s eyes … Valentine drops the hold and rolls away … Jones hops back to his feet as the referee bleats on at him about that perfectly sensible escape tactic, are these guys married or something…



Jeremy Tucker : What Andrew meant to say was… that the referee rightly warns Jones about the eye rake …Both men are on their feet… Valentine is still rubbing his eyes as Jones limps over and knocks Valentine back into a corner with a series of hard right hands… Jones fires off a couple of big chops to the chest… Wow they heard that chop in the cheap seats folks… Jones whips Valentine hard into the opposite corner… Valentine hits so hard that he stumbles out holding his lower back and falls face down in the middle of the ring… That must have hurt, it looked like the whole damn ring moved 3 feet he was going so fast ...… Jones limps over and lifts Valentine up …SPINNING POWERBOMB! … Jones covers…

…1 … 2… foot on rope! …

Jeremy Tucker : Jones curses and drags up Valentine, backs him up into the nearest corner, Jones smiles out at the crowd… Trent Jones throws three hard punches to the mid-section of Valentine and then drives a huge big boot to his face…

Andrew Fulton : That’s the set up folks… Are we gonna see the “Lights Out Mother Fucker” Sleeper?

Jeremy Tucker : …Jones goes to drag Valentine out of the corner for his finisher… But Valentine grabs the rope, frantically gets himself down to the mat, escapes Jones’ clutches and rolls to the outside…

Andrew Fulton : Smart move by the champ… The smug SOB knows it too… As Valentine walks around the ring a few paces, catching his breath, shaking out the cobwebs and stretching out his traumatized back, he knows that with Jones’ limp he won’t be fast enough to chase after him… He winks at a disgruntled fan and taps his temple to say he’s using his head… 1…2…The referee is counting Valentine out… 3…4… Valentine is in no rush to get back in there… and Jones is testing out his knee and calling Valentine to get back in…

Jeremy Tucker : 5…6… Valentine dismisses the calls, turns his back near the ring steps and takes a second to flex his muscles for a pretty lady… Valentine teases that he’s going to wait for the 9 count before entering… 7…8 …Jones reaches out and takes two big fistfuls of Valentines hair through the ropes and drags Valentine back into the ring to break the count out… The referee argues with Jones about the hair pulling… Jones lets go of the hair and shouts back at the referee…

Andrew Fulton : Valentine cheap shots Jones with a sweet jab over the referees shoulder… Jones is staggered… Valentine raises a finger to the heavens… from a standing start he leaps for the PICTURE PERFECT DROPKICK!!...

Jeremy Tucker : … but NO! Jones dragged the referee in the way at the last second! The official is out cold...

Andrew Fulton : But Valentine doesn’t miss a beat… he grabs Jones… BELLY TO BELLY BRAINBUSTER! ... We’ve seen him finish matches this way before… Valentine covers… He slaps the canvas to count out the pin himself, the crowd join in on the count… One…Two… Three… but there’s no referee to make the call…

Jeremy Tucker : Valentine holds his back as he gets up and looks out at the fans then up the ramp expecting some paramedics or another official… There’s some movement in the backstage…

A short burst of “Cave by Muse” hits the PA system and Eddie D walks out on to the ramp in his black duster jacket and his baseball bat on his shoulder. The crowd boo and Eddie walks slowly towards the ring. Eddie does calming / ‘pump the brakes’ type gestures with his free hand as Valentine points a big accusing finger at Eddie. Eddie is still bloody from his encounter with Psychotic Goth earlier tonight. He rolls his arms to stretch them out and winces with his left arm, absently forgetting his collision with the ring post in that brutal match.

Jeremy Tucker : … He looks even more intimidating than normal with that blood on his face?

Andrew Fulton : …It’s Eddie D?!! … With a baseball bat?! … Oh no Eddie. Not like this…

Jeremy Tucker : … What do you mean?

Andrew Fulton : Isn’t it obvious? …Eddie said he was looking for a chance to alter Trent Jones’ career with that bat. What better way to end his career than when he’s already been battered by the champ… This is going to be sickening…I’ll watch every second with a smile because I’m a professional… but it will be sickening…

Jeremy Tucker : Valentine is telling Eddie to get lost…

Andrew Fulton : Your lip reading skills are suspect at best… He said something far worse…

Jeremy Tucker : Eddie is here at the commentary table and asking for a mic.

EDDIE : Hey Jonnie?! I hope you don’t mind me appearing at the top end of the card for a change… but you’re dealing a beating to a guy that I promised a beating to first… I know that’s not your fault, I know that’s not your problem, but I am fed up of all the waiting in line around here, so how about you take a well-earned two second break and let me break some of Mr Bones’ bones?…

Andrew Fulton : I love your work The Big Deal, thanks for the mic. back. But Eddie, could you consider not ending Jones’ career? …Oh, OK I will shut the fuck up and sit down… Thank you…

Jeremy Tucker : Valentine looks wary but amused by the lengths that Eddie is going to, to settle his score with Trent Jones… Valentine shocks the fans by sitting on the second rope and inviting Eddie into the ring…

Andrew Fulton : Eddie enters and nods in way of understanding and watches Valentine back off to the turnbuckles behind him… Eddie squares up with his bat over the fallen Trent Jones… He looks out at the crowd… Even though they don’t like Jones there’s an atmosphere out there that says this isn’t right… Jones is stirring and looks to be getting up… Eddie lifts the bat high as Valentine looks on, amused and relaxed, resting in the turnbuckles… Eddie slams the bat down hard… But hits the canvas next to Trent Jones’ head?!... The crowd at ringside can see that he’s missed, but Jonnie is just confused at the crowd reaction and the sound the bat made… Eddie twists around and erupts from his haunches with the bat at chest height and splashes Valentine! Crushing him in the turnbuckles!?...

Jeremy Tucker : Valentine’s nose is bleeding where the middle of the baseball bat met his face in that colossal splash… Eddie drops the bat as Valentine staggers out of the corner…. HEADACHE FROM HELL!!! (Stunner)… Valentine is down… Eddie crosses over to the referee and tries to bring him around… Trent Jones gets to his feet… Eddie and Jones square up to one another… and then have a massive brotherly hug and pat each other on the back… Eddie shakes off his black duster jacket to reveal a Graveyard Ryders sleeveless biker jacket underneath! ... Eddie has joined Mr Bone’s biker gang?!

Andrew Fulton : I should have seen it coming… Valentine is moving again but barely… The referee is awake enough to be asking why Eddie is there… Eddie comically hides the baseball bat behind him and leaves the ring quietly… Jones locks in a sleeper hold on a struggling Jonnie Valentine… Takes the hold down to the canvas… Jones wraps his legs around Valenine’s mid-section… It’s the LIGHTS OUT MOTHER FUCKER! Valentine has gone still… The referee is there to raise Valentine’s hand…

…once … twice… and the hand drops for a third and final time!

Winner by TKO and NEW SWAT HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION… TRENT JONES.

Jeremy Tucker : This is a travesty of justice. They have a mic. in the ring. Trent Jones had better explain himself.

JONES : All the hatred that Eddie D and I shared for each other over the last few weeks was real folks. The thing is when you have given your ALL to hurt someone several times and nothing has really been proved, no RESPECT has been earned from the ROSTER OR THE CROWD, you have to either get dirtier and angrier with a mutually assured destruction end game; or you can appreciate that if he takes my best shot to face and stays standing… maybe he’d make a better ALLY than a mortal enemy. Eddie?

Trent Jones throws Eddie D the mic. Eddie laughs and puts a big arm around Jones as he begins to speak.

EDDIE : Let’s hear it for your New SWAT Heavyweight World Champion ladies and gents! Now I think my actions have surprised some of you. But Why?! You should have been listening instead of just hearing. I told you all that I was looking for a chance to alter Trent Jones’ career with my baseball bat and true to my word I think you’d all agree that is exactly what I have done tonight.

Actions have consequences though. I know we have just pissed off a lot of people which is why we need to stick together. So not only are you looking at your New SWAT Heavyweight World Champion, but your next Tag Team Champions as well. Watching each other’s backs in and out of the ring.

Eddie D passes the mic. back to Trent Jones. Trent has been handed the title belt by a still groggy referee. Trent speaks as the pair of them leaves the ring slowly. Valentine starts to move again after his TKO as paramedics rush up the aisle to assess him.

JONES : Ladies and Gentlemen we are Eddie D, Trent Jones… BROTHERS IN ANARCHY! Welcome to biker justice with more horsepower than you’ve ever seen before. Welcome to a title reign of terror. Good night.

Jeremy Tucker : What the hell just happened? I can’t put it into words folks. That doesn’t happen often. Andrew? Help me out here?

Andrew Fulton : Nice mic. drop. It’s a classic but still cool.

Jeremy Tucker : Is that your commentary? “Nice mic. drop?” Are you seriously OK with what just transpired?

Andrew Fulton : Hey, it was a great swerve by the newly formed tag team Brothers in Anarchy there, but they just painted a massive target on their backs pulling a stunt like this… You don’t cheat Jonnie Valentine and the Society of The New Breed without repercussions. This could get real bloody, real fast…

Jeremy Tucker : We’ll be back in a moment folks, with our final match of the night, The X Crown up for grabs between Mad Dog Soutter and the current Champ, Zoran Sainovic. What the hell is going to happen in that one?

[mosler]

[Sitting on a bench by the fountains of Piccadilly Gardens, Zoran Sainovic keeps track of the XHF Rumble on his phone. He still has a title defence to hold his attention, even as dozens of would-be challengers are busily cutting promos. Did fucking Grayson record this on company time? Timeless is already up to three? And he’s probably still at the arena. Damned time travellers.]

Zoran Sainovic: Meanwhile, I’m still enjoying zis British air.

[Your final boss of bosses coughs up a lung. It’s not anything serious. Probably just the black lung from spending a day in England.]

Zoran Sainovic <using a pink handkerchief from his lapel to wipe his mouth>: A street fight! <bitching to the cameraman> Zis is why I have to watch ze marketing department like zey’re children. Oh, keeps me away from ze arena - which is a big plus, but I could have come up with something indoors. Like an abandoned workhouse! Zat’s Manchester history for you. Me and Paul brawling around a sweatshop surrounded by god knows how many spirits of dead children. A workhouse death match? <shakes head> Zat’s a reason to be in an industrial slum. <looking up> We on?

[Nodding, Zoran puts his phone away.]

Zoran Sainovic: When your main exports are Oasis and ze merchandise of questionable sports questionable teams, you might just be in hell. <waves hand at the Piccadilly garden> I’M IN HELL! Industry. I know zey were better off with ze factories zan without, but you can’t help but feel zis whole berg is a testament to pissing on ze working class. <cringe> So its fitting zat we’re running a big event in ze middle of a pandemic.

[Rising from the bench, Zoran turns his back to the camera.]

Zoran Sainovic: I’m ze final boss – but I still answer to shareholders.

[Crossing, Zoran walks up to the magnificent fountain.]

Zoran Sainovic: I know he’s sold ze company, might have a few shares ferreted away, but no control. Still... I can’t help but feel zat I am making Paul Soutter money. Wandering ze streets of an empty Manchester. Forcing men to put zeir health on ze line for a paycheque? I have never felt MORE like a street walker.

[Zoran stares down at his reflection in the stagnant water of the fountain. The camera pans down to a close-up on the reflection starring back.]

Zoran Sainovic: Ze fifty odd challengers to ze Rumble have already gotten a start on ze hunt. Not me zough. I still have a defence. And I’m not looking past you, Paul. Given how many people you’ve pissed off in ze last decade of running SWAT, you should have two broken legs. Ze fact zat you can still strut around like you own ze place when zat door closed a long time ago, suggests you’re one of ze toughest SOBs in ze business. Ze only problem is... <sneer> you’re looking past me.

[If this fountain could boil, the burning hate in the reflection’s eyes would do it.]

Zoran Sainovic: Even zough ze champion is automatically entered in ze rumble, I took the time to put my name in. Didn’t want to chance missing out, in case I lost ze strap. Even had to endure ze teasing of the zat cocky prick, Maverick, for conducting myself like a real champion.


You?


Who does not hold ze belt?


You couldn’t be bothered.


Ze message is clear. You will definitely win. If somehow you weren’t champion, it wouldn’t matter.


<raising a finger> You’re looking past me. Which may see you leaving an eye in this piss stained ghetto. <wink> I’ve done more for less.


<raising a second finger> You’re completely apathetic. You claim to be ze founder, like zat means something. Ze truth is you just want a sandbox for your goons to bully people, and use ze title to remind everyone why we’re supposed to put up with it.


Only five SWAT guys entered ze rumble. Is it because I zreatened to book zem in horrible matches, like I’m DEFINITELY going to do – and basically discouraged everyone from daring to challenge me?









































Naaaah. It’s ze FOUNDER letting everyone know zat Zoran will do the heavy lifting. Don’t worry about ze X*Crown, why bother trying? Zat chump will retain despite having 25 AWF guys gunning for him, and we can go back to resting on our laurels as ze best federation with nothing to prove.


Don’t know if you know zis, Paul – but zere is strength in numbers.


So enjoy zose numbers while zey last, because by ze time I’m zrough with your <flinch> KGB, you’re going to feel like I do in ze rumble. <eyes narrow> Alone against ze world.


...And I will definitely be going to zat rumble, but first, I have one last challenger to put zrough the meat grinder.


[The Commissioner turns from the fountain to the sky. The smell of burning lard, tire fires, dead semen and rotting fish that is normally associated with British air, has been replaced by something thicker. Murderous intent.]