Act 1: Lost In The Jungle (Rumble RP)
Apr 12, 2020 18:09:14 GMT -5
Mongo the Destroyer and mosler like this
Post by Jeremiah King on Apr 12, 2020 18:09:14 GMT -5
April 11, 2019
I read it again. And again. And again.
"Dude, it's over." My aunt was trying to use her magical girl powers to repel the disappointment surging from my aura. "I'm so sorry..."
"Hey, at least I can file for unemployment now with the whole pandemic thing going on." Apparently, self-deprecating humor in serious situations was a trademark of my father's. Wherever the fuck he is. "Auntie, I'll figure it out. Always have."
"Yeah, you keep saying that. And I keep believing it." She slumped down on the couch, sighing. While my aunt is on the other side of the video call with me watching some random weeb shit, I'm pounding coconut rum with coffee creamer because that's all I had in the fridge. If you're wondering whether it's powdered or liquid, so am I because this is the third one.
"This is why I told you we should have never tried to get jobs. We were perfectly fine on the block just hustling day to day and living life as it came to us." I had nothing else to do other than get to sipping. "Now I gotta worry about paying for a bunch of shit I don't need like car insurance...or a car..."
"You can't just grab onto the back of city buses for the rest of your life." She's giving me that look like we're going to go into a flashback about how we've spent the last six years of our lives basically running from ourselves. It's a long story. You might want to check it out. Now that you're caught up, you know why my aunt is giving me that look that the master gives the student right before he does the really cool but dangerous and possibly fatal ancient technique that only he was taught out of all this master's other students, but it just turns out to be a shitty cartwheel kick - SNAP OUT OF IT YOU'RE IN THE MIDDLE OF A FUCKING ON-CAMERA. "You already know what we need to do."
"I was afraid you would say that." I know she's literally half my size, and dressed like she's about to do karaoke at Rainfurrest; but I do respect my aunt a lot. When people say "oh, my aunt raised me" it's more like their aunt fed them spaghetti once in a while and made sure the cable was still on. My aunt literally got down in the fucking mud and fought for survival with me. She deserves respect. "Auntie, please don't ask me to do this..."
"Give me a reason we shouldn't."
"I can give you a ton of reasons, but we ain't got that much time."
"We're all on lockdown indefinitely, Neph, and you just got laid off. We have nothing but."
"Well, I DO have something to keep me busy..."
"What's that? You finally decide to get a Switch and play Animal Crossing with me?"
"No. My dumb ass signed up for some big ass battle royal and now that the place I was representing closed, I think everyone's looking at me as some kind of free agent or whatever. I didn't bother telling anyone that I was 5-1 in MMA, or that Uncle Nathan taught us how to twist someone's vas deferens. They just know that I'm a raging drunk who keeps breaking shit...XHF. That's the name of the place."
"XHF! I know all about that!"
"Oh. Good. You happen to know anything about anyone I'm dealing with here?"
"Well...um...I know that none of them are you, and none of them have Chimpo helping them WATCH OUT!"
You ever have a drunk monkey crawl up your fucking shoulders and steal your drink? "HEY! AUNT CHRISSY!" I swear, she jumped like a foot in the air.
"Jesus, dude!" Thank God I didn't fall over.
"Hi Chimpo."She rolled her eyes, but still waved. And yes, it was the rainbow kawaii wave. "Please don't ever call me that again."
"Fuck's her problem, KT?" Chimpo drank the rest of my drink, then jumped down onto the floor. "She trying to get you to do the thing again?"
"Why does everyone want me to do the thing again? I don't want to do the thing again. It's not my thing. I want to do my thing." As calmly as I can, given the circumstances; I continue to rationally explain my logic to my aunt and pet monkey. "Why y'all want me to do the thing?"
"Because it IS your thing, and you know it, my man!" Chimpo jumped onto the counter in order to mix another drink. Apparently, we are using powdered hazelnut creamer. And this coconut rum is 90 proof. "The only reason you have a thing in the first place is because of the thing. Now do the thing."
"Someone's gotta do the thing, Neph." My aunt, who is exactly ten days older than me, is trying to look at me like she's 40 and I just stole her credit card to buy No Man's Sky DLC. "We'll make you do the fuckin' thing."
"I don't wanna do the fuckin' thing!" It's not that I'm mad, but I'm just...well...I don't know what emotion I'm feeling when I keep refusing to do the thing. "I'm in this Rumble, I gotta get a new dishwasher, I have two weeks to get ready for it and that ain't long enough to do the thing."
"We don't have a dishwasher." Chimpo was mixing another drink; yes, he already drink the one he made not even three paragraphs ago. Yes, I said paragraphs. I broke the fourth wall. I'll fuckin' do it again. Anyways...
"What?"
"Yeah, dude. You totally don't have a dishwasher in this apartment."
"Then what the fuck did I duct tape back together last week?"
"I don't know. I'm gonna get some ice."
I turned back onto my phone to talk to my aunt again.
"Don't sweat it, Auntie. I'm not."
"You should. There are gonna be so many people in that thing gunning for you and you don't know a soul over there..."
THUD.
"The fuck?"
I (and subsequently the other side of my video call) turned to see Chimpo laying on the kitchen floor, holding the freezer door's handle. It's one of those top-bottom layouts, where the freezer is a drawer on the bottom and a refridgerator is on the top. But yeah. Handle broken off, monkey fall down.
"I found what you duct taped."
Chimpo, my aunt, and I all stared at the freezer door and the entire roll of Gorilla Tape holding it shut.
I read it again. And again. And again.
"Dude, it's over." My aunt was trying to use her magical girl powers to repel the disappointment surging from my aura. "I'm so sorry..."
"Hey, at least I can file for unemployment now with the whole pandemic thing going on." Apparently, self-deprecating humor in serious situations was a trademark of my father's. Wherever the fuck he is. "Auntie, I'll figure it out. Always have."
"Yeah, you keep saying that. And I keep believing it." She slumped down on the couch, sighing. While my aunt is on the other side of the video call with me watching some random weeb shit, I'm pounding coconut rum with coffee creamer because that's all I had in the fridge. If you're wondering whether it's powdered or liquid, so am I because this is the third one.
"This is why I told you we should have never tried to get jobs. We were perfectly fine on the block just hustling day to day and living life as it came to us." I had nothing else to do other than get to sipping. "Now I gotta worry about paying for a bunch of shit I don't need like car insurance...or a car..."
"You can't just grab onto the back of city buses for the rest of your life." She's giving me that look like we're going to go into a flashback about how we've spent the last six years of our lives basically running from ourselves. It's a long story. You might want to check it out. Now that you're caught up, you know why my aunt is giving me that look that the master gives the student right before he does the really cool but dangerous and possibly fatal ancient technique that only he was taught out of all this master's other students, but it just turns out to be a shitty cartwheel kick - SNAP OUT OF IT YOU'RE IN THE MIDDLE OF A FUCKING ON-CAMERA. "You already know what we need to do."
"I was afraid you would say that." I know she's literally half my size, and dressed like she's about to do karaoke at Rainfurrest; but I do respect my aunt a lot. When people say "oh, my aunt raised me" it's more like their aunt fed them spaghetti once in a while and made sure the cable was still on. My aunt literally got down in the fucking mud and fought for survival with me. She deserves respect. "Auntie, please don't ask me to do this..."
"Give me a reason we shouldn't."
"I can give you a ton of reasons, but we ain't got that much time."
"We're all on lockdown indefinitely, Neph, and you just got laid off. We have nothing but."
"Well, I DO have something to keep me busy..."
"What's that? You finally decide to get a Switch and play Animal Crossing with me?"
"No. My dumb ass signed up for some big ass battle royal and now that the place I was representing closed, I think everyone's looking at me as some kind of free agent or whatever. I didn't bother telling anyone that I was 5-1 in MMA, or that Uncle Nathan taught us how to twist someone's vas deferens. They just know that I'm a raging drunk who keeps breaking shit...XHF. That's the name of the place."
"XHF! I know all about that!"
"Oh. Good. You happen to know anything about anyone I'm dealing with here?"
"Well...um...I know that none of them are you, and none of them have Chimpo helping them WATCH OUT!"
You ever have a drunk monkey crawl up your fucking shoulders and steal your drink? "HEY! AUNT CHRISSY!" I swear, she jumped like a foot in the air.
"Jesus, dude!" Thank God I didn't fall over.
"Hi Chimpo."She rolled her eyes, but still waved. And yes, it was the rainbow kawaii wave. "Please don't ever call me that again."
"Fuck's her problem, KT?" Chimpo drank the rest of my drink, then jumped down onto the floor. "She trying to get you to do the thing again?"
"Why does everyone want me to do the thing again? I don't want to do the thing again. It's not my thing. I want to do my thing." As calmly as I can, given the circumstances; I continue to rationally explain my logic to my aunt and pet monkey. "Why y'all want me to do the thing?"
"Because it IS your thing, and you know it, my man!" Chimpo jumped onto the counter in order to mix another drink. Apparently, we are using powdered hazelnut creamer. And this coconut rum is 90 proof. "The only reason you have a thing in the first place is because of the thing. Now do the thing."
"Someone's gotta do the thing, Neph." My aunt, who is exactly ten days older than me, is trying to look at me like she's 40 and I just stole her credit card to buy No Man's Sky DLC. "We'll make you do the fuckin' thing."
"I don't wanna do the fuckin' thing!" It's not that I'm mad, but I'm just...well...I don't know what emotion I'm feeling when I keep refusing to do the thing. "I'm in this Rumble, I gotta get a new dishwasher, I have two weeks to get ready for it and that ain't long enough to do the thing."
"We don't have a dishwasher." Chimpo was mixing another drink; yes, he already drink the one he made not even three paragraphs ago. Yes, I said paragraphs. I broke the fourth wall. I'll fuckin' do it again. Anyways...
"What?"
"Yeah, dude. You totally don't have a dishwasher in this apartment."
"Then what the fuck did I duct tape back together last week?"
"I don't know. I'm gonna get some ice."
I turned back onto my phone to talk to my aunt again.
"Don't sweat it, Auntie. I'm not."
"You should. There are gonna be so many people in that thing gunning for you and you don't know a soul over there..."
THUD.
"The fuck?"
I (and subsequently the other side of my video call) turned to see Chimpo laying on the kitchen floor, holding the freezer door's handle. It's one of those top-bottom layouts, where the freezer is a drawer on the bottom and a refridgerator is on the top. But yeah. Handle broken off, monkey fall down.
"I found what you duct taped."
Chimpo, my aunt, and I all stared at the freezer door and the entire roll of Gorilla Tape holding it shut.
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