Rum, Sugar Cane, Lime, Soda Water, Mint. [Card Rumble 3]
Apr 13, 2020 14:50:21 GMT -5
Mongo the Destroyer, mosler, and 1 more like this
Post by Technical Perfection on Apr 13, 2020 14:50:21 GMT -5
Fade in on a peaceful, calm beach scene. Water laps against the rocky shores as the mangrove trees gently wave in the breeze behind shot. The sands are white, pristine, free of the usual detritus that clutters up any publicly used resort. And sitting on the beach, leaning back on a deckchair and slurping up an exquisite looking Mojito through a long straw, Chris Card relaxes, beaming.
Card is dressed in a loose fitting white shirt, black slacks and a Panama hat. Beach casual for the extremely stylish. The sunlight glints off the diamonds in his Chopard sunglasses, through which you can see his narrowed eyes. Card is cool, calm and scarily collected as he addresses the camera.
Chris Card: You want to know what’s funny, XHF fans. Everyone is running around posting a hundred different pieces of promotional material, proclaiming that they’re the greatest and brightest stars on the network, why they are going to win the XHF Rumble. They’re all falling over each other to get their two cents in about their own genius. I’m going to let you all in a big secret. I’ve already won.
Chris Card: Not the match. Not that chaotic brawl that everyone seems so desperate to win. Not that at all. You see the Rumble isn’t a test of wrestling ability. Not of class, of talent. It’s purely a test of endurance and luck rather than one of actual skill. Winning the Rumble may give you the X*Crown, may put you in prime position to be a face of the Network. But do you win the Rumble because you’re good? No. Being good has never been part of the Rumble. Not when a late draw counts for a hundred times more worth than actually being a skilled wrestler. Not when throwing people over the ropes is the only method of victory rather than pin falls or submissions.
Chris Card: No, winning the rumble is no test of what makes you a good professional wrestler at all. So if I fail to win the Rumble, does it prove Seth right? Am I the living, breathing DE-FIT-IN-ITION of being past the point of no return? Hardly. I’d still back myself against Seth Dillinger in a one on one battle and you can bet your bottom dollar I’d back High Finance over LGBTKO. You know, in a wrestling match. We’re coming for those titles, we’re coming for which ever duo from your sexuality positive triumvirate happens to be holding the belts at that time. If you still are, of course.
Chris Card: Still. It’s nice to hear from a good guy in this Rumble preamble. Like, we’re a bunch of scumbags here, Seth.
Chris Card: Like Caffrey. Perhaps. A man who does not understand that accusing me of being the biggest egomaniac ever mere sentences apart from describing himself as “The Best,” is at best highly ironic and at worst shows a total lack of self perception. May I remind you that calling a 1-1 tied series 90% in your favour shows the amount of flexible math that could earn you a job in the Trump administration. Or that attacking me and my character without attempting to defend against any of the points I raised could earn you a job in the Trump administration? Or that your response to the whole Covid problem has come a day late and a dollar short and… you at home can finish the joke yourself.
Chris Card: Oh and why is my sister in law not with me on my trip? You’d have to ask her. She’d give some spun out psychotic drugged out response. I’m avoiding the risk of being a vector for this potentially deadly virus. I doubt that someone who currently appears to believe she’s some sort of Celtic Death Goddess has such concerns. It’s almost like you have done zero research into what’s going on in her head. But then, you have a full life staring into the mirror and desperately mouthing, “I’m still relevant,” at it to do anything as simple as research. So I was right. You were projecting. I’m not you, Caffrey. You have to prove to yourself every day that you are the man you’re trying to sell to the world. I’m Chris Card. And I’m happy to be that.
Chris Card: Oh and Caff? Here’s a tip. If you want people to stay at home, to help everyone out during this outbreak… Get yourself booked into more main events. It certainly worked towards AXW’s death.
Chris Card: How about Steve Awesome? Am I always taking the easy route, the shortcut, the quick solution? Steve… you’re damn right. Of course had you done even a smidgen of research on me, and you haven’t, you would realise that you’re not even beginning to insult me and are, in fact, affirming what I’ve always said about myself. Some people present a false face forwards. They scream they’re not a cheat and it’s all in the optics of the situation why they’re justified. Me? I couldn’t give a toss about the optics. I’m a cheat, a scumbag and a dirty trickster, I make no bones about it. It’s up to you to stop it. So did I take the easy way out when I left that fetid swamp that is the IWF? Well, let’s put it this way. I went from being a small fish in a big pool, moved to a smaller pool, made the pool I was in larger and the pool I’m in doesn’t have human faeces floating on the surface.
Chris Card: I’m a happily married man, Steve. I don’t want to break the sanctity of my marriage by having an affair with one of the writing staff, Hi Sarah, in order to get title shots. I don’t want to have to pal up to the boss and suck metaphorical cock to get my opportunity. I went six months in your federation undefeated. My shoulders never hit the mat, I never tapped out. And what did I get? Nothing. So of course I left. Because when you go to Felix with a problem, he tries to sort it. Not always well but he tries. Bobby V couldn’t book a table for 10 without putting the only 4 guys in the federation he cares about’s names down two and a half times and doesn’t spot a problem, even after it keys “I AM A PROBLEM” on his limo in big unfriendly letters.
Chris Card: Rat Bastard used to be big news around here. Around here, he was big news. He’s an important part of XHF’s history and there is a lot of XHF’s history he is a part of. Rat Bastard is going to show us all that he’s still got the heart and fire he used to have and that he’s also still got fire and heart that he used to have. Am I making the same point repeatedly enough or do I need to repeat my point again? It would be nice if he expressed that sentiment.
Chris Card: Ratty, you talk about how a fine wine ages. And I agree with you. Your problem is a fine wine poorly stored turns rapidly to vinegar. And there’s more than a whiff if acetic acid coming from you.
Chris Card: And why am I not talking about the current champion? Because… I don’t care. If you retain, good for you man. Go for it. Feather in your cap. If you don’t. Bad luck. You’re just not on my radar. Because I, Chris Card, completely research all of my likely opposition. And in this style of match that would be a fool’s errand. So I’m not. Besides, I have a private beach and a fresh supply of cigars, cuisine and alcohol.
Chris Card: So what am I going to do in the Rumble if I don’t actually put any stock in winning the damn thing? Simple. I’m going to play spoiler. Everyone else is falling over themselves to shout about their chances of victory. Me? I don’t care if I win or not. But I will send your hopes, your dreams spiralling into the abyss because… well because I feel like it. And I’m going to enjoy every second of it.
Chris Card: A riddle for you…
My first is in volcano but not in Honolulu.
My second is in Honolulu but not volcano.
My third is in both Honolulu and volcano.
My fourth is in neither Honolulu nor volcano.
What am I?
Fade out on Card laughing at his own self depreciating joke and sipping on his rum based beverage.
Card is dressed in a loose fitting white shirt, black slacks and a Panama hat. Beach casual for the extremely stylish. The sunlight glints off the diamonds in his Chopard sunglasses, through which you can see his narrowed eyes. Card is cool, calm and scarily collected as he addresses the camera.
Chris Card: You want to know what’s funny, XHF fans. Everyone is running around posting a hundred different pieces of promotional material, proclaiming that they’re the greatest and brightest stars on the network, why they are going to win the XHF Rumble. They’re all falling over each other to get their two cents in about their own genius. I’m going to let you all in a big secret. I’ve already won.
Chris Card: Not the match. Not that chaotic brawl that everyone seems so desperate to win. Not that at all. You see the Rumble isn’t a test of wrestling ability. Not of class, of talent. It’s purely a test of endurance and luck rather than one of actual skill. Winning the Rumble may give you the X*Crown, may put you in prime position to be a face of the Network. But do you win the Rumble because you’re good? No. Being good has never been part of the Rumble. Not when a late draw counts for a hundred times more worth than actually being a skilled wrestler. Not when throwing people over the ropes is the only method of victory rather than pin falls or submissions.
Chris Card: No, winning the rumble is no test of what makes you a good professional wrestler at all. So if I fail to win the Rumble, does it prove Seth right? Am I the living, breathing DE-FIT-IN-ITION of being past the point of no return? Hardly. I’d still back myself against Seth Dillinger in a one on one battle and you can bet your bottom dollar I’d back High Finance over LGBTKO. You know, in a wrestling match. We’re coming for those titles, we’re coming for which ever duo from your sexuality positive triumvirate happens to be holding the belts at that time. If you still are, of course.
Chris Card: Still. It’s nice to hear from a good guy in this Rumble preamble. Like, we’re a bunch of scumbags here, Seth.
Chris Card: Like Caffrey. Perhaps. A man who does not understand that accusing me of being the biggest egomaniac ever mere sentences apart from describing himself as “The Best,” is at best highly ironic and at worst shows a total lack of self perception. May I remind you that calling a 1-1 tied series 90% in your favour shows the amount of flexible math that could earn you a job in the Trump administration. Or that attacking me and my character without attempting to defend against any of the points I raised could earn you a job in the Trump administration? Or that your response to the whole Covid problem has come a day late and a dollar short and… you at home can finish the joke yourself.
Chris Card: Oh and why is my sister in law not with me on my trip? You’d have to ask her. She’d give some spun out psychotic drugged out response. I’m avoiding the risk of being a vector for this potentially deadly virus. I doubt that someone who currently appears to believe she’s some sort of Celtic Death Goddess has such concerns. It’s almost like you have done zero research into what’s going on in her head. But then, you have a full life staring into the mirror and desperately mouthing, “I’m still relevant,” at it to do anything as simple as research. So I was right. You were projecting. I’m not you, Caffrey. You have to prove to yourself every day that you are the man you’re trying to sell to the world. I’m Chris Card. And I’m happy to be that.
Card slides his sunglasses down a little so he can look into the camera over them.
Chris Card: How about Steve Awesome? Am I always taking the easy route, the shortcut, the quick solution? Steve… you’re damn right. Of course had you done even a smidgen of research on me, and you haven’t, you would realise that you’re not even beginning to insult me and are, in fact, affirming what I’ve always said about myself. Some people present a false face forwards. They scream they’re not a cheat and it’s all in the optics of the situation why they’re justified. Me? I couldn’t give a toss about the optics. I’m a cheat, a scumbag and a dirty trickster, I make no bones about it. It’s up to you to stop it. So did I take the easy way out when I left that fetid swamp that is the IWF? Well, let’s put it this way. I went from being a small fish in a big pool, moved to a smaller pool, made the pool I was in larger and the pool I’m in doesn’t have human faeces floating on the surface.
Chris Card: I’m a happily married man, Steve. I don’t want to break the sanctity of my marriage by having an affair with one of the writing staff, Hi Sarah, in order to get title shots. I don’t want to have to pal up to the boss and suck metaphorical cock to get my opportunity. I went six months in your federation undefeated. My shoulders never hit the mat, I never tapped out. And what did I get? Nothing. So of course I left. Because when you go to Felix with a problem, he tries to sort it. Not always well but he tries. Bobby V couldn’t book a table for 10 without putting the only 4 guys in the federation he cares about’s names down two and a half times and doesn’t spot a problem, even after it keys “I AM A PROBLEM” on his limo in big unfriendly letters.
Chris Card: Rat Bastard used to be big news around here. Around here, he was big news. He’s an important part of XHF’s history and there is a lot of XHF’s history he is a part of. Rat Bastard is going to show us all that he’s still got the heart and fire he used to have and that he’s also still got fire and heart that he used to have. Am I making the same point repeatedly enough or do I need to repeat my point again? It would be nice if he expressed that sentiment.
Chris Card: Ratty, you talk about how a fine wine ages. And I agree with you. Your problem is a fine wine poorly stored turns rapidly to vinegar. And there’s more than a whiff if acetic acid coming from you.
Chris Card: And why am I not talking about the current champion? Because… I don’t care. If you retain, good for you man. Go for it. Feather in your cap. If you don’t. Bad luck. You’re just not on my radar. Because I, Chris Card, completely research all of my likely opposition. And in this style of match that would be a fool’s errand. So I’m not. Besides, I have a private beach and a fresh supply of cigars, cuisine and alcohol.
Chris Card: So what am I going to do in the Rumble if I don’t actually put any stock in winning the damn thing? Simple. I’m going to play spoiler. Everyone else is falling over themselves to shout about their chances of victory. Me? I don’t care if I win or not. But I will send your hopes, your dreams spiralling into the abyss because… well because I feel like it. And I’m going to enjoy every second of it.
Chris Card: A riddle for you…
My first is in volcano but not in Honolulu.
My second is in Honolulu but not volcano.
My third is in both Honolulu and volcano.
My fourth is in neither Honolulu nor volcano.
What am I?
Fade out on Card laughing at his own self depreciating joke and sipping on his rum based beverage.
