Battleground #30 : London Calling

[SWAT Team]

(The show returns from commercials for the British Tourist Bureau, Brothers In Anarchy pitching British ale, British soccer and rugby games, and 'Lucky' Linda La Fey in a whiskey commercial before fading to ringside where ringsiders are holding signs saying "Renegade Eddie D.'s The Big Deal!," "We're Not Worthy Constantine!," "Eddie D.'s The Real Deal!" and "Constantine Is God!" before fading to the broadcast table where Jeremy Tucker and Andre Fulton are sitting at the broadcast table wearing headsets and SWAT masks.)

Jeremy Tucker: "Welcome back to Battleground 30: London Calling and up next is newcomer the 'Self Made God' Misha Constantine getting a baptism by fire so to speak as he goes against the present SWAT Renegade Champion 'The Big Deal' Eddie D."

Andrew Fulton: "God of what? Seth Rollins calls himself a Monday Night Messiah and at one time Jonnie Valentine calls himself a god and now we have this rookie calling himself a god."

Jeremy Tucker: "Let's not forget that Rally Jackson calls himself 'The Golden God' too."

Andrew Fulton: "He IS a GOD! Goth is a King, the King of the Goths' and backs it up with his actions which are nothing sort of hardcore and extremely violent."

Jeremy Tucker: "Not to mention he also speaks in ancient dialects that are long dead, which everyone is a fan of, I saw a few guys reading a book on ancient dialects in the back earlier before the show. Getting back to this match Misha has a very tough draw against present SWAT Renegade Champion 'The Big Deal' Eddie D."

Andrew Fulton: "Imagine debuting in SWAT and you drew that monster Eddie D. not realizing you're about to be a sacrifice for The Parish. Imagine facing the champion and having your head next to the rest of The Parish victims. Perish the thought."

Jeremy Tucker: "Well Misha Constantine must have done a lot of impressing of the higher ups to draw the Renegade Champion in his debut."

Andrew Fulton: "You mean the man upstairs or the late great Kommisar Zoran Sainovich."

Jeremy Tucker: "I wouldn't be surprised. Misha's determined to make an impact in his debut while Eddie D.'s determined to prove he's the champion. Right now let's go to the ring for the introductions."

Frank Salazar: "This match is scheduled for ONE fall. Introducing first from los Angeles, Ca. He comes in at 5'9" and weighs in at 175lbs. He is the 'SelfMade God' Misha Constantine."

(The lights dim. An ominous voice starts to toll as a golden sarcophagus rises in the entranceway.)

Since man cannot live without miracles
He will provide himself with the miracles of his own making.
He will believe in any kind of diety,
Even though he may otherwise be a heretic, an atheist and a rebel."

(Drums crescendo as the sarcophagus cracks and falls apart, revealing the smirking form of Misha Constantine, who begins his walk to the ring as "In the name of God" by Rotting Christ pounds from the speakers.)

Flames!!!

In the age of Hell!!!

In the age of Fire!!!

War!!!

In the name of God!!!

In the Holy Empire!!!

(Constantine casually slides into the ring, rolling over and kipping up effortlessly.)

Andrew Fulton: "I'll give him credit for having a real entrance compared to some of the clowns who call themselves wrestlers, what was that Danny Aiello crap last show? Oh well, Let's concentrate on this massacre....I mean match."

Frank Salazar: "Now introducing from Vernon, Ca. USA. He comes in at 6ft and weighs in at 303lbs. He is the current SWAT Renegade Champion and one half of the Brothers In Anarchy. Please welcome 'The Real Deal' Eddie Deal."

("Cave" by Muse plays and Eddie walks out with a black and white montage video playing on the screens of him weight training and hitting his favourite moves on people, flashing up in negative to the bat of the music; regularly threatens rude fans, tears up opponent's fans posters, has vicious one liners for "ugly" fans, walks confidently and slowly to the ring. Raises his hands to accept the praise he feels he is due, but usually just gets boos.)

Jeremy Tucker: "As usual Eddie D, gets the same respect as he does everywhere he goes."

Andrew Fulton: "These stupid chaps don't know a real champion if he walked up to them in a pub. You can bet that Syberus will get a better reception since they just love thieves. Just take the way they fawn over Robin Hood and his Merry Men also known as the medieval version of the Society of the New Breed."

Jeremy Tucker: "Syberus won the SWAT Heavyweight Championship fair and square. The bell rings and this match is underway. Misha tests the ropes before locking up Eddie D.""

Andrew Fulton: "A serious rookie mistake but then again what do you expect from a 'self made god.' Eddie D easily forces Misha into the corner with authority. Eddie D pretends to back off and he slaps Misha in the face."

Jeremy Tucker: "The referee warns Eddie D who looks at him innocently and Misha with a slap of his own! Eddie snaps opening a serious can of whoop ass. He backs off and waits as Constantine lifts himself back to his feet with help from the ropes . The champion charges in and connects with a real vicious big back elbow crush."

Andrew Fulton: "What a big bad crushing elbow it was too. Eddie D. whips Misha into the ropes and he floors him with a running shoulderblock. He follows up with a series of bodyslams with authority before trash talking the 'self made god.' Now that's showing that newcomer who calls himself a phony Diety who's really boss."

Jeremy Tucker: "Eddie D.'s definitely not fooling around. He whips Misha into the corner and charges in but Constantine gets his knees up. He climbs to the top rope and flies off with a missile dropkick."

Andrew Fulton: "The so-called 'self made god' delivers a series of Capoeira kicks to Eddie D.'s body and head followed by a Capoeira Scorpion Kick to the champs face not that it's going to have any effect on the champion. He follows up with yet another Capoeira kick to the champ's head staggering the champion."

Jeremy Tucker: "Misha starts to work on Eddie D's legs sending him down to one leg. Constantine attempts to follow up but the champion grabs his foot and Constantine executes an enzigiuri sending the champions down."

Andrew Fulton: "Misha wastes no time pouncing on top of Eddie D. for the pin only to be forced off sending him two feet in the air.”

Jeremy Tucker: "You have to admit that Misha Constantine's holding his own in the early going. Misha attempts to ground and pound Eddie D. but 'the bigl deal' easily forces him off."

Andrew Fulton: "Eddie D. clotheslines Misha and holds his arm as if he's lifting a drunken patron and clotheslines him again. He whips him into the ropes and runs through him like a bull in a china shop. You can tell Eddie D's serious now and wants to punish Constantine."

Jeremy Tucker: "You're correct on that point by the ugly look on the champion's face. He screams in his face and he delivers a series of crushing elbows and leg drops o Misha's chest and throat before making the cover and Misha kicks out at a close two count."

Andrew Fulton: "You forgot the word 'barely.' Eddie D sets up Misha and he gutbusters him. He picks up Constantine and does it again before monkey flipping on top of Misha and making the cover for a close two count. Obviously he wants to get even with Constantine for that snarky comment about him monkey flipping into a pile of foam blocks at the gym."

Jeremy Tucker: "Well I have to admit that was stupid to say about 'the big deal' since Eddie D's proving to be quite athletic too. He whips Constantine into the ropes and delivers a big boot to the face sending Misha out of the ring. The champion follows him out and he smashes Misha's head repeatedly into the ringsteps and then into the ring post with plenty of brutality."

Andrew Fulton: "Eddie D whips Misha into the ring post again and charges at him, but Misha dodges out of the way and Eddie D crashes into the ring post. Constantine finds a chair and he starts beating Eddie D with it. Give Misha credit for learning SWAT's style of wrestling."

Jeremy Tucker: "It definitely looks like it. Misha slides the chair in and rolls Eddie D into the ring and continues to beat the champion's head and body with it before setting the chair up in the corner. Misha waits and Marte de Negative Kicks him."

Andrew Fulton: Misha attempts to pin Eddie D again and is tossed off again by the champion. He leaves the ring and finds a Kendo stick and returns and beats Eddie D in the head and body before throwing it down."

Jeremy Tucker: "Misha attempts to whip Eddie D but 'The Big Deal' reverses it sending Constantine into the corner and follows him crashing into him with a trainwreck before throwing him unceremoniously out of the corner."

Andrew Fulton: "What a trainwreck it was. Eddie D picks up Misha and whips him into the ropes.....And wow what a swinging double cross chop that was connecting with Misha's throat and the 'Self Made God' is choking for air."

Jeremy Tucker: "Eddie D slaps Misha with the utmost disrespect as he insults him. He bounds into the ropes and splashes him before making the pin.....One....Two....No! Misha rolls the shoulder."

Andrew Fulton: "Eddie D mounts and grounds and pounds that wannabe Diety. He picks Misha up and sets him up for a powerbomb but Constantine counters with a Gomorrah Lock and he has it cinched in tightly despite having skinny legs. In fact, how he gets those skinny sticks he calls legs around that thick neck of 'The Big Deal’ is nothing but short of miraculous."

Jeremy Tucker: "Well he is the 'Self made God.' Misha continues to hold on while Eddie D. lifts him up and powerbombs him to no avail. The referee checks on Eddie D. who refuses to submit."

Andrew Fulton: "Now that's what a true champion does. Eddie D. lifts him up again and he charges into the corner where that chair is still tightly set into it. He repeatedly smashes Constantine into that corner roaring with a vengeance. Misha is forced to break the hold and the champion is on one knee catching his breath."

Jeremy Tucker: "This match has taken a toll on both men but mostly on Misha. He mounts the turnbuckle but Eddie D. stumbles into the ropes crotching Constantine. He attempts a superplex but Constantine surprises the champion with a Deity DDT."

Andrew Fulton: "Misha makes the cover for a close two count. He tells the referee that it was a pinfall which it wasn't I might add. Misha leaves the ring and finds a steel rod and returns to the ring and smashes it into Eddie D.'s back."

Jeremy Tucker: "Misha picks up the champion and takes him to the corner. He mounts the top turnbuckle and executes another Deity DDT. Misha makes the cover....One...Two...T...No! The champion gets a shoulder up."

Andrew Fulton: "Misha is beside himself and looks like he wants to release God's wrath on the referee and the champion for that matter. He slaps the canvas in frustration and still lets the referee know about it. Misha uses the steel rod to both beat Eddie D. in the head and jams it
into the champion's throat."

Jeremy Tucker: "Misha's showing some true aggression now. He once again unleashes a series of Capoeira kicks as Eddie D. slowly rises to his feet and his face is a mask of rage and he's becoming even more deadly serious."

Andrew Fulton: "I don't want to be Misha Constantine now. Eddie D. grabs that iron rod and he delivers a series of Misha's mid-section and now Misha's getting a taste of that iron rod."

Jeremy Tucker: "Eddie D. screams in Misha's face and jams that rod into Constantine's chest. He throws it down and picks up Misha and brainbusters Constantine before making the cover....One....Two....No! Misha gets a shoulder up."

Andrew Fulton: "Eddie whips Misha into the ropes and he plows right through with a clothesline sending him a full 360 to the canvas. Eddie D.'s screaming about liking that move and again slaps Misha to get up if he has any guts."

Jeremy Tucker: "Misha struggles to get up while Eddie D. delivers a clubbing forearm still taunting him to get up. He gets up slowly and blocks another clubbing forearm. Misha Thai clinches Eddie D. and delivers some stiff knees to Eddie D.s head forcing him into the ropes."

Andrew Fulton: "Give Misha credit for having more guts than brains. Constantine does it again sending Eddie D. to one knee before countering with a headbutt to Misha's mid-section forcing him backwards."

Jeremy Tucker: "This has been a back and forth match all the way. The ringsiders are enjoying this action from start to finish. Eddie D. waits and he spears Constantine before he rolls over and makes the cover....One....Two....Th...No! Misha gets an arm up."

Andrew Fulton: "These two have thrown everything they got at each other and they still go at it tooth and nail."

Jeremy Tucker: "Don't tempt them since they may do just that. Eddie D. picks up Misha and attempts a bodyslam but he floats over and counters with an inverted DDT."

Andrew Fulton: "It's a miracle in itself that Misha's making a fight out of this match. He waits and bounds into the ropes and executes his finishing move the Irae Dei. Could this be it. Will Misha Constantine prove he's the 'Self Made God' and upset Eddie D. Misha makes the cover....One....two....Thr.....No! Eddie D. gets a shoulder up."

Jeremy Tucker: "Misha was so close to getting an upset victory. He waits as Eddie D. gets and uses that iron rod again to beat Eddie D. before executing another series of Capoeira kicks. The champion seems to be psyching himself up."

Andrew Fulton: "That's really bad news for the 'Self-Made God' sine he's already on the verge of being placed in hell in the form of The Parish. He's going to be on the verge of being another in a series of SWAT sacrificial victims."

Jeremy Tucker: "You could be right. Misha delivers a series of chops to the champ's throat briefly staggering him. He continues to chop away but Eddie D's staggering but still standing. He bounds into the ropes and attempts a cross body block."

Andrew Fulton: "As usual it's going to end in utter failure against someone like Eddie D. I might add. He walks around as Misha struggles to get loose but 'The Big Deal' holds on and holds him up in a Gorilla Press before hoisting him onto his shoulder and full powerslams him onto the canvas and makes the cover....One...two...Thr...No! Misha gets an arm up."

Jeremy Tucker: "Misha's showing he still has life in him."

Andrew Fulton: "You forgot to say barely."

Jeremy Tucker: "Whatever. Eddie D picks him up and attempts a bodyslam but Misha floats over and attempts to counter with a German suplex but can't because Eddie D.'s too big and heavy. The champ counters with a series of vicious elbows and a vicious headbutt."

Andrew Fulton: "Eddie D. Picks him up and holds him in a Gorilla Press again and walks around shouting to the ringsiders before slamming him to the canvas. The champion is now stalking and circling around Misha and now he’s not playing around anymore. He waits and as Misha gets up he bounds into the ropes to attempt a clothesline but Constantine ducks the clothesline."

Jeremy Tucker: "Misha superkicks Eddie D. as he comes off the ropes again staggering the champion. He does it again and a third time and does it again for a fourth time sending the champion down and makes the cover....One....Two....Thre....No! Eddie D. gets a shoulder up."

Andrew Fulton: "Too close for Eddie D.'s own good."

Jeremy Tucker: "Misha waits for Eddie D. to get up. He stalks him and sets him up for a reverse DDT and executes it perfectly before making the cover for another close three count. Misha's beside himself."

Andrew Fulton: "You would be too if you counldn't beat the champion. Misha bounds into the ropes to deliver a big boot to Eddie D.'s face staggering him into the ropes but he still stays on his feet. He staggers forward still on his feet and seems to be getting more angrier by the moment which means trouble for Misha Constantine."

Jeremy Tucker: "Misha bounds into the ropes and delivers a running flying knee to Eddie D.'s head followed by another big boot. The champions staggers into the ropes and he's even more angrier as he comes forward but remains on his feet."

Andrew Fulton: "Misha charges in attempting another flying knee but Eddie D. counters with a violent clothesline and both are down for the count. The referee is making the count s they both stir and slowly get to their feet."

Jeremy Tucker: "Eddie D. gets to his feet first and whips Misha into the ropes and misses with a clothesline. Misha bounds into the opposite ropes and comes off staggering the champion with a flying forearm smash."

Andrew Fulton: "Constantine bounds into the ropes but Eddie D. catches him and powerslams off the ropes. he goes into the corner and waits for Misha to get up. Misha turns around and Eddie D. delivers a Headache From Hell and he makes the cover....
One....Two....Three!!!!!"

Frank Salazar: "Your winner at 11mins. 35seconds. 'The Big Deal' Eddie D."

Jeremy Tucker: "In a tougher than expected match Eddie D. prevails against Misha Constantine."

Andrew Fulton: "Yeah Misha 'Self-Made God' Constantine was good but he couldn't keep his head from being added to the sacrificial shelf of The Parish."

Jeremy Tucker: "At least Misha can hold his head up high because he gave Eddie D. quite a battle and for Eddie D. it was a tougher than expected battle that he won't forget, what an impressive debut."

Andrew Fulton: "Misha will go places, Eddie is one of the best in the business and he almost had him.”

Jeremy Tucker: "He should be proud to hold his own in his rookie debut in SWAT."

Andrew Fulton: "He will be even prouder if he can win next week, because I have just received word that he has ANOTHER title shot, this time for the TV Title against El Combatiente!."

Jeremy Tucker: "What a match that will be. Great win to Eddie D! We’ll be back shortly folks.."

(They fade to commercials.)

[SWAT Team]

Ding dong the Witch is Dead hits and Lucky Linda makes her way down the ramp way, high fiving the fans, she is accompanied by some dwarfs dressed as Munchkins dancing around.

“Ding Dong. The Witch is Dead.” Linda motions exaggeratedly.

“Wow. That was some match at the Tribute. We literally brought the house down” states Linda. Walking the ring. “Zoran Sonofabitch! You brought an entire army with you to our showdown! That’s what you do, you hide behind others, thinking you have all the answers, but one by one, they fell, like fallen soldiers.”

“Then, you were the last one standing, but just like all the others, you fell” Linda beams with pride. “And that as they say, is that.” Linda slaps her hands together, brushing them off. “The good guy. Won. The Bad guy. Lost.”

Linda is smiling, the biggest smile in the world. “We don’t see it much these days. No one has the patience to see it through. They either give up and disappear, like all the Amazons I have battled through the years, where are they all now?” asks Linda. “Where is Lynn Brewster? Suzi Spitz? Candace Morelli?” Linda shudders at the thought of the crazy Morelli’s. “And if they don’t give up and leave, they take a short cut. That’s you Avery McCullen. Short cuts though, they don’t get you anywhere in the long run. You know what does? Commitment. Dedication. Belief in yourself, being resilient and able to suck up a loss and get back up and keep fighting, fighting for what you believe in.”

“That’s me.” Linda stands tall and proud. “That’s how I roll. I never stop. No retreat and No surrender! You may beat me once, twice even, but I won’t ever stop trying and fighting back. That’s why I win all these wars. That’s why all the others are gone.” Linda sighs. “So what next. What next for Lucky Linda?”

“Zoran is gone. May he rot in hell.”

“All the Amazons are gone also. Well, most.”

“But this, this is still here.” Linda raises the SWAT Amazons Championship in the air. “And I need someone to defend this against.”

Linda looks around waiting for an interruption, none comes. “So. I am issuing and open challenge! Anyone! Anyone out there who wants a crack at this belt, step on up! I will defend it against …… “



HEAD LIKE A HOLE!
BLACK AS YOUR SOUL!
I'D RATHER DIE THAN GIVE YOU CONTROL!

Jeremy Tucker: Are you kidding me!?

Andrew Fulton: No way this is happening!

The sudden change of lighting on the entrance ramp appears, and standing front and center is the sharp-dressed King. Once the bridge of the song kicks in, all of the house lights shine down on Maverick - with the Destiny Wrestling Heavyweight Championship around his waist - who looks out to the many in attendance with a smile on his face, he raises his arms up and stands with his arms stretched out wide before he lowers his arms and then gestures to the entrance curtain where the young Rebecca Brookes walks out. The heavy cheers from the crowd set the mood as they both make their way down to the ring.

Jeremy Tucker: I cannot believe what I am seeing with my very own eyes, The King of the Network has touched down in SWAT! The Destiny Wrestling Heavyweight Champion has put his foot down in SWAT's grounds! This is amazing!

Andrew Fulton: Maverick, alongside his partner, is here and if my guesses are correct... She's not just a love partner!

The couple enter the ring where Maverick is handed a microphone, the music fades away and the loud chants for Maverick rain down on them. They are electrified! Maverick continues to look around with a smile on his face, as does Rebecca Brookes, as Maverick raises the microphone up to his mouth. Lucky Linda looks on, standing her ground against the couple.

Maverick: Oh it feels so good to be in fucking SWAT!

Another loud cheer!

Maverick: It's been a long time coming, but I had a feeling I'd be here at some point. But tonight, I'm not here to fight and neither is she, but I will say one thing. We've not come here for some sight-seeing, boys and girls, we came here for a purpose. You see, there's a reason why we're here and you would know this, Linda. I've been watching you from afar, I've seen you wave the Irish flag for us here since you guys came to the network! I know what you can do, I know what you can bring, but I also know you've got yourself a title match at the next show. The next Battleground.

There's a loud "oooh" from the crowd.

Maverick: That championship you have in your hands right now, you're willing to put that up against anyone at the next show, correct?

Lucky Linda La Fey: Yeah! I am!

Maverick: That sounds good to me, well, of course- I can't do it. It's the SWAT Amazon's Championship and it's only for women. Which is why I've brought Rebecca here. Which is why I've brought her here for the simple reason of giving her a true test. A true challenge. A true bit of competition. I'm willing to let her take that chance, take an opportunity and see where she can go from here. This is Rebecca Brookes, my beautiful baby girl and she is a trained fighter! She's got a family member that's already been in the XHF before and she's willing to follow in my own and her brother's footsteps. She wants to do it. She wants to wrestle.

Rebecca grins as she looks directly at Linda La Fey and her championship.

Maverick: Now, she's only been wrestling since April or May and she's been training with me since about March or so. I've taught her everything I could. What I know, she knows. What I can do, she can do too. This is why I said she wanted to get a feel of that challenge to see if she can stand up for herself. She's very willing to do so. But enough of me waffling on and on, let her tell you how she really feels, Linda.

Maverick gently hands Rebecca the microphone as she takes a few steps forwards and into the face of the champion.

Rebecca Brookes: Jay has said it best- I want a challenge and he knows that you would be the perfect challenge for me. It just so happens that you're willing to put that SWAT Amazon Championship up for grabs too. I can deal with that. Linda, I've come prepared and I'm willing to kick in the damn door and make sure I take my seat at the table sooner rather than later. Which is why I will face you at the next Battleground for the SWAT Amazon's Championship. Lucky Linda La Fey versus Rebecca Brookes. The veteran takes on the rookie. Make no mistake about it though, Linda...

Rebecca gets right in Linda's face.

Rebecca Brookes: You won't be holding that title anytime soon.

"angel" by Kali Uchis begins to play out through the speakers as Rebecca Brookes drops the microphone and backs away, already Maverick has exited the ring as both Linda and Rebecca stare down one another.

Jeremy Tucker: HOW ABOUT THAT!! Linda La Fey, the champion, will now defend against her newest and yet surprising challenger, Rebecca Brookes! You couldn't say that this would happen ever but it has! Imagine what royalty we'd have with the King running around here and his Princess as the champion, Fulton?

Andrew Fulton: We'll have to see if Linda can keep her title but we'll find that out at the next Battleground Jerry!

[thecomedian]

[Fade in to Rally Jackson in the backstage area sleeping using his sleep apnea machine.  The machine is inhaling and exhaling as a reporter walks into the room.]

Reporter:  Rally, Rally.... wake up.  It's time for your interview.

[Rally starts gasping for breath and the machine starts pumping air into his mouth and nose.  Or however it works.]

Reporter:  ::shaking him now::  Come on Rally, time to get up.

Rally Jackson:  ::lets out a long gasp as he wakes up::  Well damn, it's tough having your own dressing room.  Nobody to make sure you're awake for your match.

Reporter: We are trying to get your thoughts on the upcoming title match.

Rally Jackson:  Where are Syberus' things?  I need to tape them to the ceiling....

Reporter:  Rally, Rally.... you have your own dressing room, remember?

Rally Jackson:  Where is my young boy?

Reporter:  Rally, you can't talk like that.  You have already been warned about these things.  It's two thousand twenty.

Rally Jackson:  No I mean Tuxedo Mask.  That's what they call it in Japan when you take a young wrestler under your wings.

Reporter:  Rally, Tuxedo Mask is your age.  In fact, he just applied for AARP.  He is also wrestling you tonight so he's in a separate room as well.

Rally Jackson:  Well he has to live his life....  ::takes a closer look at the reporter::  Hey I know you.  You're not a reporter for SWAT.  You're my grub hub driver....

Grub Hub Driver:  Ok ok hear me out.  I just created this website and it's dedicated to pro wrestling and I plan on recording interviews and putting them up there...

Rally Jackson:  You're recording me with your phone....

Grub Hub Driver:  Yea but this is the new iphone.  My parents just got it for me.  It works as well as a cinematic camera.

Rally Jackson:  Just don't accidentally post voyeur videos of the women's bathroom to your website.  I'd hate for that to happen to someone else.  It's a difficult thing to explain.

Grub Hub Driver:  I don't know how to respond to that.

Rally Jackson:  Just.... conduct your interview.

Grub Hub Driver:  ::reading off a card::  How did you get your start in professional wrestling?

Rally Jackson:  I don't even remember last week.  You think I remember how I got my start?  My favorite part of my matches is when the commentators start listing my accomplishments because it's all like a trip down memory lane.  Did you know that I was the CNWL Heavweight Champion?  It was there I beat such talents as "The Underfaker" and "Stan Cold."  I bet the SWAT website has a biography page, look that up.  It'll tell you everything you need to know.  

Grub Hub Driver:  Ok :: stumbling through his cards::  Why do you like wrestling?

Rally Jackson:  Motherfucker I don't.  We all have bills to pay.  And I don't want to be a Walmart greeter.

Grub Hub Driver:  ::looks at Rally suspiciously::

Rally Jackson:  Ok, I never heard back from them.  Wrestling is cool I guess.  When your opponent is someone you don't like, it's a great way to legally inflict pain on them.  So there is that.

Grub Hub Driver:  If you can choose any animal in the world, what would you be?

Rally Jackson:  I see a Pullitzer Prize in your future.

Grub Hub Driver:  Would you choose a tiger because you were once called "Tigerheart?"

Rally Jackson:  Well I did once get pissed on by a tiger at the zoo.

Grub Hub Driver:  ::nudging Rally as he says this::  You mean a stripper in tiger print lingerie?

Rally Jackson:  Now you're just being disgusting.

Grub Hub Driver:  ::puzzled::  Moving on.  What is the circumference of the sun divided by the centrifugal force of the inanimate object squared?

Rally Jackson:  ......

Grub Hub Driver:  I was hoping you can help me with my homework.

Rally Jackson:  Is there multiple choice?

Grub Hub Driver:  No.

Rally Jackson:  Just put 2.

Grub Hub Driver:  Who is your favorite wrestler?  ::nudging Rally again::  Besides yourself.  ::starts chuckling to himself::  

Rally Jackson:  Did you by any chance bring my order?

Grub Hub Driver:  What?  Oh no, Jonnie Valentine gave specific instructions not to bring it to you.  You are "dieting."  The rest of the Society is splitting it.

Rally Jackson:  ::sigh::

Grub Hub Driver:  If you could wrestle anyone in the world who would it be?

Rally Jackson:  William Shatner.

Grub Hub Driver:  Interesting answer, do you mind if I ask why?

Rally Jackson:  It's a Fight Club reference.... this all feels counter-intuitive to contact free delivery.

Grub Hub Driver:  ::talking into his own phone::  And that about wraps things up here.  There it is, ladies and gentlemen.  "The Golden God" Rally Jackson.  Stay tuned next week when I interview one of the Fairtex Brothers.  Which one?  That is a surprise you will have to tune in and find out.  This is Larry Figerillo and once again as I do every week I "Bring The Wrestling."  I also wanted to thank our sponsors, Blue Chew and Fleshlight.

::turns off his phone::

[anthonycaffrey]

We see Anthony Caffrey seated on a jet with his agent, Marcus. There is a small bottle of champagne in between the two but they are flying comfortably as they head back to London for a second time in three months. The former X-Crown champion has a surprisingly somber tone as his compatriot helps himself to another glass.

Marcus: Oh come on. This is the one time I wouldn’t mind you having a drink. Celebrate! You got that sweet sweet revenge on Rat Bastard, and---

Caffrey: I’m not done yet, Marcus.

Marcus: But you can celebrate for now.

Caffrey rolls his tongue in between his lips, pondering his options, before finally deciding to pour himself a glass.

Caffrey: To the work that’s never done.

He holds his glass high.

Marcus: To beating the shit out of those who wronged you.

The two men sink their beverages. Caffrey isn’t much for indulging in his celebrations these days. He is clearly being sarcastic.

Caffrey: Mazeltov.

Marcus: You’re allowed to be happy.

Caffrey: I-- excuse me, we-- beat a drunkard and a druggie, Marcus. Radu and I celebrated, but there’s more work to be done. I can’t say I’m surprised we beat the Bastards Two. That was an expectation. We lived up to expectations, I did what I was supposed to do…

Marcus: ...you also poured maggots all over the guy’s head, Caff.

A slight showman smile, the grin that we haven’t seen in a few months, slowly begins to reappear. Caffrey catches himself.

Caffrey: He deserved it. As Radu tells me, maggots love garbage.

Caffrey places his pen down, closing the notebook he’s been writing in to sandwich the pen in between his notes. The front cover says “SWAT tag teams”. There is an alarming lack of swagger from the lion-hearted competitor.

Caffrey: A woman and a stuffed cat won the XHF Tag Team Championships, Marcus. I don’t think they could take any tag team from SWAT. Tonight, I’ve got what’s essentially a gauntlet match between me and as many teams as Zoran put against me before he kicked the bucket. Our tag champs are tied up fighting Syberus tonight, so I’m going to guess that’s two I won’t have to worry about, but fuck I can’t do this all by myself.

Marcus: You think he’s really dead?

Caffrey swallows.

Caffrey: If I don’t have to think about death again for the rest of the year, it’d be too soon. I’m choosing not to worry about that right now.

Marcus: Don’t you have Radu in your corner for this match?

Caffrey: Do you see him flying with us?

Marcus concedes the point.

Marcus: Why isn’t he---

Caffrey: Lost track of him after the big ‘W’. He’s got some weird friends. And I’m not talking about the bugs.

Marcus laughs. Caffrey leans forward, as if to say he’s still got it.

Caffrey: I feel like I’ve aged about ten years in the last six months. I’ve been the highest of highs, and the lowest of lows, and it just never stops. You can only celebrate so long before you have another match to prepare for. I don’t even know who we’re fighting tonight -- who I’m fighting tonight. If Radu missed his flight, I’m on my own. And I’m good… but not three, four, five handicap matches in a row good.

Marcus: You do know where we’re flying?

Caffrey: I do. And maybe I’ll feel a bit better when I touched down. I’ve lost once in London in two years of wrestling there. Same hotel not too far from the Legion, too. Granted, the O2 is a whole helluva lot nicer than the Legion.

Marcus: True!

Caffrey puts a hand out.

Caffrey: Only I’m allowed to shit on the Legion. The place gave me a career back. Otherwise I’d be sitting around interviewing celebrities over Zoom right now wondering what could’ve been.

Marcus: Fair enough.

Caffrey: I just am not in the mood to celebrate something that yeah, Radu and I got done. I’m thankful for it, sure. Radu and I are already hot partners and only going to get better as we figure everything out.

Marcus lets out a laugh.

Marcus: Phrasing!

Caffrey rolls his eyes.

Caffrey: Can you not?

Marcus: Sorry.

Caffrey gets up and takes a short walk, moving to one of the windows. He looks outside. The jet is somewhere above the Atlantic.

Caffrey: Tonight, we get an opportunity to take one step closer to cutting the line. If I -- we-- string together these victories, we might not even need to fight in the Annihilator. We can just fight SKY Force right there, right at End of Days. Radu and I are better wrestlers than their whole faction. Nausica, Rin Kubo, the third one no one remembers… when I was winning the Rumble, they gave more of a shit about their goddamned stuff cat.

Marcus: You hate that cat, don’t you?

Caffrey looks back.

Caffrey: Hate’s a strong word, Marcus. There’s a handful of people who deserve the word ‘hate’. Zoran, Timeless, Swann, Rat… I’ve outlasted them all. It’s more that I know there’s an expectation. Radu and I have expectations, we’ve got thousands of people cheering for us as we begin our run, and I just…

Caffrey makes a shaky hand motion in the direction of Marcus as he uses his other hand to sip on another glass of champagne.

Caffrey: ...there’s a lot more people counting on me than there used to be. Before? Just me. Maybe you, but you’re financially motivated to stick around even if I suck.

Marcus: Our friendship is more---

Caffrey nods.

Caffrey: I know. But it used to be just me. I didn’t get letters before, Marcus. I didn’t have sick kids in the hospital to go visit. I just came and went wherever I damn well pleased, did whatever I damn well wanted. I had a moment of revisiting that version of myself -- the truest form of the Emperor -- when I nearly broke Rat’s ankle on the outside of the ring. But when I got up, I looked around and realized that there was more to do, that these people were there for us, to see us shine and succeed and be a beacon of light in a time of darkness. That’s a fuckton of responsibility for some asshole from Philadelphia, Marcus.

Marcus doesn’t say anything as he takes the time to pour himself another drink.

Caffrey: I just don’t want to fuck it up. I fucked up a few months ago. I let a lot of people down, and then I let people down again. Now I got a guy on my side who would have retired if I didn’t refuse to let him just quit. There’s more people to answer to than just me.

Caffrey looks down. Marcus finally chimes in.

Marcus: But look at this way: you’ve got more people in your corner than ever before, Caff.

Caffrey: What?

Marcus: More people are rooting for you to succeed at everything you do. This time last year, you had a Fuck You, You Against the World type of mentality. Now? Well, obviously the world’s gone to shit, but there’s a lot more people in the ol’ Caffrey Corner.

Marcus is starting to preach the gospel to Caffrey. Caffrey misinterprets what he has to say.

Caffrey: I’m not bringing that back. That nickname did NOT catch on.

Marcus: You’ve got me, Radu, the SWAT faithful, even fans from other Network shows cheer you. You can’t possibly think that 10,000 people came in there to only watch you and Radu, right? Not on the same card as Dylan Bl-

Caffrey puts a hand up, stopping Marcus in his tracks.

Caffrey: You still think I could take him, right?

Marcus: In a heartbeat.

Caffrey: Damn right.

Caffrey casually brushes off his undefeated streak against the X-Crown champion, having never lost to him once in his entire life.

Marcus: But that’s not something to worry about right now. You’re worried about letting down all these people, but honestly… Anthony Caffrey in London is starting to become its own thing. Pretty soon it’ll surpass Anthony Caffrey in Philadelphia.

Caffrey: Oh stop.

Marcus: I’m not saying you have magical superpowers in that city, but I AM saying fully expect you to cripple two, four, six, or eight tag teams if it means you get your hand raised. And if Radu joins you… well, you two still need to work out some chemistry issues ahead of your eventual showdown with the champs. Because as fucking dumb as that cat is, the rest of that group works their asses off.

Caffrey gives a begrudging nod of respect.

Caffrey: Fine. Do we know anything about my competition tonight?

Marcus: Uh… I’m betting Zoran handpicked them.

Caffrey: So no, we know jackshit.

Marcus nods sheepishly.

Marcus: We do know you have an Empire behind you, though, ready to cheer you on the whole way.

Caffrey has his hands on a remote, already hitting a few buttons to lower down a projection screen. He downs the rest of his drink.

Caffrey: Then it looks like we’re in for a long flight.

He looks over his shoulder as the scouting session begins.

Caffrey: And Marcus?

Marcus: Yeah?

Caffrey smiles.

Caffrey: Thanks.

The camera fades to black.

[SWAT Team]

Jeremy Tucker: Up next a real grudge match between the Founder of SWAT and a gentleman that has been causing him some fits of late.

Andrew Fulton: Armand wants them stocks.

Jeremy Tucker: I think Armand has as much of a chance of getting those stock options as the bum down on the corner does.

Andrew Fulton: You ran into him too? The bum tried to get twenty out of me earlier.

Jeremy Tucker: He tried the same stunt with me, but when we walk away after I did not give him what he wanted he got into a nice BMW.

Andrew Fulton: Well that bum could buy some stock options after all.

Jeremy Tucker: Any event, this should be quite the brawl.

Andrew Fulton: Let's get ready for the introductions.

Frank Salazar: TONIGHT’s match is scheduled for one fall with a 30 minute time limit, introducing first he hails from Cologne, Germany and he weighs in at 245 pounds …. here is Armand Von Krauss.

[Circus Apocalypse by Vermillion begins to blare out over the sound system as Armand makes his pushes the curtain back as he looks out into the huge crowd with a look of disdain on his face as he makes his way down to the ring.]

Jeremy Tucker : Certainly a man that has been given the Suit a lot of problem since his arrival. One minute he was supposed to be Paul’s friend and then he turns around and stabs him in the back.

Andrew Fulton: Paul has had issues with people here of late, some trust issues. It is hard to believe that he is no longer part of the KGB a group that he put together.

[Armand reaches ringside as he looks into the crowd and shakes his head at this crowd as he climbs the steps as he enters the ring and steps through the ropes, he looks right at the entrance waiting for Paul Soutter to make his way out. ]

Frank Salazar: And his opponent he weighs in at 364 pounds from Melbourne, Australia here is the Founder of SWAT, Mad Dog Paul Soutter!!!

Rip it up by 28 Days blares out over the sound system as the crowd cheers the founder of SWAT.

Jeremy Tucker: It appears Suit has quite a following here in London.

Andrew Fulton: He has his focus on Armand, he is blocking out this cheers.

[Paul is looking at Armand with an intense look in his eyes, as he walks toward the ring. ]

Jeremy Tucker: Armand is itching to get at Paul but the ref is trying to hold him off.

Andrew Fulton: I think Armand could push the ref away if he really wanted to.

[Paul gets to ringside as he keeps his focus on Armand as he climbs the steps as Armand is getting toward those ropes but the ref is keeping him back as Paul steps through the ropes. ]

Jeremy Tucker: Armand shoves the ref to the side as he quickly places a knee right in Paul’s side, as he falls into the ring.


The ref calls for the bell ...

Andrew Fulton: Armand begins to put the boots to the Suit over and over. He reaches out and grabs the top ropes as he puts his boot across Paul’s throat as the ref makes the count as he gets to four before be breaks the hold. Armand once again goes back putting his boot across Paul’s throat as the ref makes the count as he once again gets to four before he breaks.

Jeremy Tucker: He pulls Paul up as he lays in a few knees right into his ribs. Armand begins to lay in several shoulder blocks right into Paul’s midsection. Armand steps back as he lays in several knife edge chops right into Paul’s chest. He grabs Paul’s arm as he whips into the far corner but quickly Paul reverses it as Armand goes hard into the corner, he bounces out as he gets caught with a high back drop.

Andrew Fulton: Armand bounces to his feet as he gets knocked back down with a hard clothesline from Paul. Armand pops back up as he gets drilled right back into the back with another hard clothesline. Paul quickly begins to put the boots to Armand over and over again. Paul pulls him to his knees as he lays in some massive forearms shots to the side of Armand’s head.

Jeremy Tucker: Paul pulls Armand to his feet as he just grabs him by his throat as he begins to simply choke him. The ref makes the count up to four as he let's go. Paul looks at the ref.

Andrew Fulton: Look at him trying to intimidate the ref, he isn’t the boss here anymore Jerry!

Jeremy Tucker: Paul lands an open hang chop right to Armand’s chest as that shot is heard all over the arena. Paul picks up Armand as he connects with a wheel barrow suplex. As Armand goes outside the ring. Paul quickly follows right behind him. Paul connects with a hard forearm shot to the back of his head. Paul shoves Armand chest first into the guard rail. Paul grabs Armand by his head and slams his head hard into the steel steps.

Andrew Fulton: Paul picks up Armand and drops him chest first across the guard rail. Paul fires off a series of rights to Armand head as the ref begins to make the count as he is up to about six before Paul rolls back into the ring and then quickly rolls back to the floor. Paul catches Armand with a hard right to his ribs. Paul grabs Armand left arm as he is about to whip him into the guard rail but Armand puts on the brakes as he grabs Paul and connects with an over the head suplex as Paul goes crashing right into the guard rail.

Jeremy Tucker: Armand showing off some impressive strength there. Armand pulls Paul to his feet as he slams his head right into the ring post, roughly three times as he decides to roll Paul back into the ring. Armand rolls back in the ring as he drops down and lands a series of rights and lefts to Paul’s head.

Andrew Fulton: Armand pulls Paul to his feet as he picks him into the midsection as he bounces off the ropes and connects with a kneelift and then grabs Paul by his head and connects with a running bulldog. Armand is going for a cover.

1
2

Jeremy Tucker: Paul kicks out. Armand then drives a knee right into the forehead of Soutter. Armand begins to once again put the boots to Paul right on his forehead. He pulls Paul to his feet and connects with a throat punch as Paul is gasping for air. He grabs Paul’s head and takes his face over the top ropes. Paul staggers back as Armand quickly connects with a german suplex. Paul lands hard on his neck. Armand races over to make the cover.

1

2

Andrew Fulton: Paul just kicks out. Armand shoves Paul out of the ring. He jumps to the floor as he begins to throw a series of knees right to Paul’s head. He grabs Paul by his head and once again slams his head right into the ring post. Armand jumps up on the ring apron as he comes off the ring apron and grabbing Paul’s neck spins him around and connects with a tornado ddt as Paul’s head hits the floor with a sounding thud.

Jeremy Tucker: Did you hear that? Suit might be dead. Paul is busted open as Armand pulls him back to his feet struggling to do so because of the possible dead weight. He is able to get Paul back into the ring. As he goes for the cover.

1

2

Andrew Fulton: Paul somehow gets his shoulder up. Armand rolls Paul over as he slaps on a crossface as he has Paul in the middle of the ring.

Jeremy Tucker: How embrassing would this be if he gets the big bad bustling bandit to tap out?

Andrew Fulton: The ref is asking as the blood is covering his face but Paul shakes his head no as Armand us pulling back more. Paul inches himself to the ropes, and he is able to reach them. The ref makes him break the hold. Armand begins to put the boots back to the head of Paul. He pulls Paul to his feet as he picks him up and drops him back to the mat with a belly to back suplex. He pulls Paul back up as he headbutts him and then connects with a heart punch that drops Paul to his knees.

Jeremy Tucker: Armand bounces off the ropes, as Paul catches him with a Powerslam out of nowhere. Paul goes for the cover.

1 …………..


2 ………….


Andrew Fulton: Armand kicks out. Paul struggles to get to his feet as he drops a leg right across Armand’s chest. Paul begins to choke Armand as the ref gets to about four and a half before he breaks the count. Paul pulls Armand to his feet but Armand takes his eyes. He tries to pick up Paul but he blocks it as Paul picks him up and had him high in the air and connects with a high vertical suplex. Armand rolls to the floor as he is holding his back.

Jeremy Tucker: Paul places a knee right in Armand’s back as he goes flying right into the ring post face first. Armand staggers back as Paul races toward him and spears Armand right into the steel steps.

Andrew Fulton: What a spear by Soutter, I think he broke Armand in half. Paul pulls Armand to his feet, as he slams his head right over the guard rail. Paul comes over to the announce table, as he grabs a monitor as he rips it up.

Jeremy Tucker: I believe we need to get out of here. Paul with a wicked grin across his lips, tosses the monitor right into Armand’s face as we see glass go everywhere.

Andrew Fulton: That should be a DQ.

Jeremy Tucker: You really believe the ref is going to DQ him? Paul reaches down and grabs a piece of glass as he grabs Armand’s head and digs that piece right into his forehead, as Armand begins to bleed.


Andrew Fulton: I think Soutter has completely lost it. Armand tries to stagger away as he is now a bloody mess, however Paul rolls back into the ring to break the count. And then rolls back out. He kicks Armand in his left knee, as he picks up Armand.

Jeremy Tucker: I do not like the look in Soutter’s eyes. He races over and connects with a huge powerbomb putting Armand right through our announce table.

Andrew Fulton: Armand might be broken in half. Paul pulls him to his feet as he tosses him back into the ring. He bounces off the ropes as he connects with a huge splash. He goes for the cover.

1

2

Jeremy Tucker: Armand gets a shoulder up. Paul begins to put the boots to the head of Armand as blood is now pouring from his head. He quickly pulls Armand to his feet as he Irish whips him hard into a near corner as Paul goes running in and catches Armand with an avalanche right in the corner. Armand staggers out as Paul kicks him in the gut and connects with a massive ddt that stands Armand straight up. Paul goes for the cover.

1

2

Andrew Fulton: Armand just gets his shoulder up. Paul gets to his feet and drops a huge elbow right across Armand’s chest. He begins to choke Armand as he gets to four and a half before he breaks the hold. Paul gets to his feet he begins to lay in a series of knife edge chops to the chest of Armand, he pulls him to his feet as he whips him right into the ropes and connects with a Powerslam, as he goes for the cover.

1

2

Jeremy Tucker: He just kicks out. Paul gets to his feet and drops down and hits a diving headbutt on Armand. Paul pulls him to his feet as he kicks him in the gut once again, but he is trying to go for a piledriver, but Armand backdrops Paul over the top ropes, as he goes crashing to the floor. Armand jumps to the floor, as he grabs Paul and drops Paul face first to the floor. Armand pulls him back to his feet as he tosses him back into the ring. Armand picks up Paul as he places him in a near corner and begins to lay in a series of hard forearms shots.

Andrew Fulton: Armand whips Paul into the far corner. Armand goes racing in, but Paul gets a boot into his face. Armand staggers back as he bounces off the ropes and connects with another spear that flips Armand over. He goes for the cover.

1

2

Jeremy Tucker: He just got a shoulder up. Paul pulls Armand to his feet, picks him up.

Andrew Fulton: Looks like it might be going for the Soutter Special, but as he does so, Armand slides down his back, and chop blocks Paul right in his knee. Armand gets to his feet as he is trying to maybe go for the figure four but Paul shoves him off as he goes shoulder first into the ring post, Paul gets to his feet as he picks up Armand and spikes him right into the mat with a piledriver. He goes for the cover.

1

2

Jeremy Tucker: Armand somehow gets a shoulder up. Paul pulls him to his feet, as he tries to pick him up, but Armand falls back to the mat. Paul pulls him back up as it appears he might be trying for the Soutter Special, but Armand shoves Paul right into the ref as Pau’sl elbow catches him as the ref goes flying to the floor.

Andrew Fulton: Armand kicks Paul in the groin. Armand drops to the floor as he looks underneath the ring as he grabs a chair and slides it back into the ring. Armand rolls back into the ring, he picks up the chair.

Jeremy Tucker: I hear a buzz from the crowd.

Andrew Fulton: Wait a second that is Bruno. I thought he was dead,

Jeremy Tucker: I thought so to, but maybe this was some type of ruse by Paul, who knows. Bruno is walking down to the ring with a purpose as Armand gets ready to hit Paul with the chair but Bruno gets down to the ring in time and grabs the chair from Armand.

Andrew Fulton: I think Armand is in some series trouble.

Jeremy Tucker: Bruno steps thru the ropes as Paul gets to his feet with a wicked grin across his face. He points to Armand as Bruno has a chair in his hand.

Andrew Fulton: Bruno walks toward Armand but he quickly spins around and nails Paul right across his skull as Paul falls to the mat.

Jeremy Tucker: WHAT IN THE HELL JUST HAPPENED ........

Andrew Fulton: I have no idea, Bruno nailed Soutter right between the eyes with the chair. The crowd does not know what to think.

Jeremy Tucker: Bruno drops to the floor as he picks up the ref and puts him back in the ring. Armand looks at Bruno with an evil look on his face,. Armand goes for the cover, as the ref makes the count.

1

2

3

Frank Salazar: THE WINNER OF THE MATCH ARMAND VAN KRAUSS.........

Andrew Fulton: Paul is laying on the mat as Bruno looks back.

Jeremy Tucker: I do not believe what I just seen. Bruno, Soutter’s only friend it appears has turned his back on him. But why?

Andrew Fulton: I do not have a clue whatsoever?

Jeremy Tucker: Somebody had to get to him, but who. It had to be the KGB, you would think?

Andrew Fulton: This crowd is stunned and so are we? Bruno disappears behind the curtain. As Armand is standing over Paul with his hand raised high.

Jeremy Tucker: Fans we must take a break but hopefully we can some answers about what we just saw a few minutes ago.

[SWAT Team]

("Papa Just Wants The Best For You" by Danny Aiello plays and "The Delightful" Jonnie Valentine comes out with little Union Jack flags. He starts handing them out to fans leaning over the railing)

Jeremy Tucker: This must be the big announcement Jonnie has said will happen here tonight. There's been much speculation as to what it could be.

Andrew Fulton: (lights his cigarette) Hopefully he's retiring.

Jeremy Tucker: That's horrible, don't even say that. You're a horrible person for thinking that.

Andrew Fulton: I'm a horrible person for a lot more than thinking that.

(Jonnie picks an elderly Englishman in the front row, puts his arm around him, and starts singing the chorus of "Papa Just Wants The Best For You"

Andrew Fulton: Crikey, he loves this song.

Jeremy Tucker: It's so good! I hope it's on loop. I'm going to go out there and find out what the big news is.

(Jeremy Tucker gets up to get into the ring. SWAT reporter Skippy McScoop is wind sprinting to the ring, but Tucker pie faces him to the ground)

Andrew Fulton: My god! Jerry?!

(The crowd roars and starts chanting at Jeremy Tucker. "HE'S HARDCORE!! HE'S HARDCORE!! HE'S HARDCORE!!" Jeremy Tucker straightens his tie. Skippy McScoop tries to get up, but Jeremy flinches at him. Skippy turns and runs back to the locker room)

Andrew Fulton: He must really want to interview Jonnie personally. I've never seen Jerry stand up for himself...god, I hope he doesn't do that to me. It would ruin me street cred.

(Jeremy Tucker gets into the ring with the house microphone with Jonnie Valentine)

Jeremy Tucker: "Ahem, Jonnie Valentine, I imagine this is your big announcement. Speculation has abounded at what it could be. Are you leaving SWAT? Are you setting your sights on a championship match with your best friend 110% Syberus? Do you want SWAT to fire Andy?..."

Andrew Fulton: Oh, bugger.

Jeremy Tucker: "The World is waiting on edge to hear what it is."

"The Delightful" Jonnie Valentine: (suddenly has a vaguely English accent) "Well, first Mr. Tucker. I'd like to thank the good chaps and ladies for coming out here tonight..."

(The o2 Arena lets out a huge pop, interrupting Jonnie)

Andrew Fulton: When did he become British?

Jonnie Valentine: "I'd like to thank them for watching my top rated program on BBC3, Birds of a Feather which has been signed for a second season. And this season I promise you, we will find a griffin!"

(The o2 Arena cheers)

Jonnie Valentine: "Everyone knows I love England and it's my favorite place to wrestle, Mr. Tucker. Everyone is aware that I have always disagreed with our rash decision to break from England. I was never consulted on that. I fully supported taxes on my tea. How do they expect us to pay for the King's protection? And I give my sword to King George the Third, as his loyal subject."

(Crowd pops and pockets of fans chant "GEORGE!! GEORGE!! GEORGE!!")

Andrew Fulton: This bloke was passin out US flags a couple months ago in Atlanta, he was.

Jeremy Tucker: "Jonnie, if I may, your loyalty to King George the Third has never been in question. But what is in question is this huge announcement you have for us tonight?"

Andrew Fulton: (stubs out his cigarette) I bet he's transitioning.

Jonnie Valentine: "You see Mr. Tucker, wrasslin is a lonely business..."

Andrew Fulton: Oh, he's southern again.

Jonnie Valentine: "And I've had someone by my side for a while now, someone who's been in my corner. He walked me down to the aisle and he helped me back into the locker room after a hard match. But there comes a time when a man has to part ways, with even his best companion."

Andrew Fulton: Pinch me, I can't believe my luck!!

Jeremy Tucker: "Jonnie, are you saying what I think you're saying?"

Jonnie Valentine: "Who knows? But it's time to say goodbye."

Andrew Fulton: Yes! Finally, this is what I've been praying for.

Jonnie Valentine: "To Danny Aiello."

(The London crowd groans)

Andrew Fulton: What?

Jeremy Tucker: "No! How can this be? 'Papa Just Wants The Best For You' is easily the greatest song ever made."

Jonnie Valentine: "No...there is another."

(The o2 Arena gasps)

Jonnie Valentine: "Ladies and Gentleman of the United Kingdom, I give you...'Top That'!"

Jeremy Tucker: "I can't believe it! It's somehow better. 'I don't really give uh about tryin to top that.'

Jonnie Valentine: "I know, right?? If the good people can get behind the Teen Witch 2 Soundtrack like they did Danny Aiello, We'll be unstoppable!"

(The London fans roar and "Top That" from the Teen Witch 2 Soundtrack plays louder. Jonnie Valentine vaults out of the ring and lands on the ring floor. He slaps the fans hands all the way up the aisle way)

Andrew Fulton: Jonnie Valentine and James Fierce, coming up next!

[frostbite]

Moments after the match between Armand Van Krauss against Paul Soutter, we hear the fans are still buzzing as to what has happen, as our cameras are catching Armand dropping to the floor as he looks back at Paul who is getting to his feet rather slowly but he looks in a complete state of shock as he can not believe what has just happen, his best friend, Bruno has just cost him a match. Armand points to Paul as he is laughing at him. Paul is looking back at him still in s state of shock.

However we switch to backstage as Bruno is walking around and in the process we see several backstage hands get out of the man way as if looks could kill everybody just might be dead. As Bruno is walking, somebody shouts out.

Voice., Bruno can I get a word.

Bruno stops as he turns around as it is Warren Webber.

Warren.. Bruno what just happen out there?

Warren feels somebody is right behind him, as he looks over his shoulder as he sees that it is Frostbite.

Frostbite.. Yes Bruno what happen out there?

Bruno pushes Warren to the side as he gets right in Frostbite face.

Frostbite.. So what is your answer.

Bruno reaches out as if he is about to grab Frostbite by his throat.

Frostbite.. Wait a second.

Frostbite reaches down as he picks up a black and red KGB tee shirt, as he hands it to him.

Frostbite.. Welcome back brother. It is good to see you.

Bruno puts the tee shirt on, as he shakes his hand.

Frostbite.. Big man, we have some work to do.

The two walk side by side as they walk away.

Andrew Fulton: I guess that answers your question it appears the KGB did get to him.

Jeremy Tucker: I can not believe that he would turn on Paul like that.

Andrew Fulton.. Maybe it was Frostbite that got to him on his own. He is been trying to destroy Paul and getting his best friend to turn on him could just be the final nail in Paul coffin.

Jeremy Tucker: Bruno and Frostbite have done business in the past.

Andrew Fulton: They have travel up and down the roads together and maybe next to Paul, Bruno could very well trust Frostbite.

Jeremy Tucker: And how did that work out for Satan Disciples.

Andrew Fulton.. Those two seven footers are losers. Bruno is one of the best in the business, there is no comparsion.

Backstage..

Frostbite: You look like you could use a steak there big man.

Bruno nods.

The two exit the building as a Ford Explorer is waiting outside, as Bruno is about to get in the driver side but Frostbite stops him.

Frostbite: I will drive. You are not with that loser Soutter. He never knew how to treat you, but I will treat you the right way.

Bruno hops in the passenger side and Frostbite hops in the driver side ad they pull away.

[tuxbang]

[Scene opens up to Tuxedo Mask doing some dynamic stretches to warm up for tonight. His flexibility seems improved from previous weeks and his movements are snappy. A knock at the door is heard and Tux directs his attention there.]

Tuxedo Mask: Yeah, come on in!

Grub Hub Driver: Hey it's me, your delivery driver. I have your milk tea here from Chinatown. Large with... extra cheese balls?

Tuxedo Mask: Awesooooooooooooooome!

[Tux yoinks the bubble tea and is immediately enamored with it. He shoves in the extra wide straw and promptly enjoys his delicacy, returning to a bench in his dressing room. After a moment he realizes the Grubhub driver is still there, standing nervously.]

Tuxedo Mask: Oh uh, I tipped you in the app. So... we should be good. So... scramskies?

Grub Hub Driver: It's not that, it's just exciting to meet a professional wrestler!

Tuxedo Mask: You're a fan! Alright, cool. You want a picture, yeah that's cool. Get in here and we can do this.

[The driver steps inwards more but instead of taking a selfie he hits record on his iphone.]

Tuxedo Mask: Bro this isn't that kind of thing!

Grub Hub Driver: Actually I'm a reporter for a pro-wrestling website and I wanted to get an interview. It could be my big break!

Tuxedo Mask: You do Grubhub and run a wrestling site? I mean, okay but... wow, you're one of those guys people talk about on Twitter.

Reporter: What guys?

Tuxedo Mask: I'm not really sure. It seems like scripts yelling at other scripts these days but whenever something bad happens the robots blame you.

Reporter: Wow, Rally was far more personable.

Tuxedo Mask: Oh, you got to him too? Well, if you were bringing him food he'll be your best friend. Honestly my whole strategy tonight is to just take three steps back and let Rally wear himself out in the chase. He's not the man he used to be when he was trusted with a teenage girls' lacrosse team.

Reporter: At least I'd heard of him.

Tuxedo Mask: I'm big in Japan. Rally's big in the waist.

[Tux takes a sip of his bubble tea and the reporter collects himself for a moment.]

Reporter: So what do you think happened that you're facing both your tag partner and Syberus?

Tuxedo Mask: This is a fucking threeway? Shit, I need to start paying better attention. It's way easier being a YouTube chef and eating guy. Sure, it's nothing your parents can brag about back home but my house is bigger than my dad's so whatever! I don't care. I never have to wonder what happened to my kitty cat ever again! Thanks for nothing, dad.

Reporter: So I didn't actually bring Rally any food because Jonnie said he was on a diet, and I haven't found Syberus yet.

Tuxedo Mask: You mean Syberius?

Reporter: No, it's Syberus.

Tuxedo Mask: Really? I thought he was just working a Roman angle awhile back and the name stuck, or maybe it was a DJ name. 'DJ Syberius spinning the hottest Ace of Base tracks, comin' atcha!' That sort of thing.

Reporter: Right, so no one seems to understand why they're even here tonight. Rally's comatose and you're checked out. My money's on Syberus for the title tonight.

Tuxedo Mask: Alright, but it's not any of my money because I didn't actually tip you in the app.

Reporter: And that's not actually milk tea.

[Tux stops suddenly and intensely eyeballs the reporter.]

Reporter: I mean, it's milk and it's tea and I just put them together. The round things are marbles I found, they're just for decoration.

Tuxedo Mask: You have offended millions of Asians.

Reporter: Noooo my anime!

[Tux chases the guy out of his dressing room. Fade to black.]

[anthonycaffrey]

Tossed Salad and Splattered Eggs

The camera opens up on an all too familiar pre-recorded hotel room. A note is being tacked on the wall by the former X-Crown champion.

Note: The only guy I’d like to wrestle would be Zoran, the real X-Crown holder, not Latte Machiatto, not a masked dude.

There are papers strewn all over the place. A stack of copybooks has fallen into a line on the table where a half-consumed margarita rests. The former champion, who has accomplished quite a lot in his XHF tenure, plops down near the foot of his bed to begin putting his thoughts out into the world. He goes to speak but quickly stops himself to actually grab his beverage. He takes a hearty gulp and looks up at the note.

Caffrey: It feels like 2019 all over again. Here’s Anthony Caffrey, in London, pinning a criticism of some online chucklefuck with no real talent to his hotel wall, and then sitting sitting there and stewing on it. As much as everything changes, everything remains the same. Funny how shit like that works.

Caffrey sets his beverage down, looking at his calloused hands.

Caffrey: You see -- for every hundred fans that I would go to bat every day for, the ones I fight for, the ones I put in that extra mile on the treadmill for or agonizingly stare at the tape of a Timeless match even though he can only win with Roxy’s help… there’s a few idiots. A few bad eggs, if you will. And whether it’s a world champion or a world-class jackass, I like to splatter these eggs on my walls.

Caffrey seems to realize he sounds about as odd as a man obsessed with bugs. He’s surprisingly honest.

Caffrey: I get motivation from three things these days: the fans and gold are certainly two of them. And as much as I try to avoid it, as much as I don’t like combing through Smacktalker at two o’clock in the morning and reading the tweets when I can’t sleep, the words of these sinners in the hands of an angry Emperor… they keep me sharp when I could be screaming in pain. I’d like to think I’m a bit better than Kevin Durant though, because I’m not fucking subsmacking anyone on an anonymous account or putting my words in the mouths of others. I say what I gotta say. That’s how I was raised. Sometimes it’s headline material, and sometimes it’s headline material for the wrong reasons, but that’s what I do, and that’s how I’ll approach things until I retire.

Caffrey shudders at the thought. He decides to take one last sip of the margarita and move it back to the table. He places the drink down.

Caffrey: I’ve been doing this shit for ten years already. I make fun of old fucks like Death Trap -- and they truly do deserve to be made fun of when they develop into rotting carcasses like Rat Bastard -- but I’m not quite a spring chicken. I’m a veteran. I’ve been around. I’ve seen things, I’ve been on the receiving end of attacks of all kinds. Hell, I’ve been the attacker myself. I’ve been told my promo verbally ripping a certain section of the fanbase fans a few years ago when I was really the Chief Asshole of the XHF drew so much heat that they had to hire moderators on the Network website to take care of the discussion. And to some people, that’s good business.

On second thought, another sip. Caffrey -- maybe accidentally, maybe on purpose -- seems to have set himself on the tablein the “that’s none of my business” pose from the popular Kermit the Frog meme.

Caffrey: I say I represent the fans. And I really do fight for them. I think I’ve dealt with enough insincere assholes calling me that same thing that people get that by now. But I don’t represent the fans that are sexist, racist, homophobic, transphobic, ableist… any fan that thinks they’re better than someone else, that thinks their favorite wrestler is better because they look a certain way, can kindly take a long walk off a short pier. I am an asshole, but I don’t represent dickheads. I’m not really surprised to find out that dickhead fans like Timeless, especially after I spent the past two months calling him a dickhead, but I digress.

Caffrey moves to grab his alarm clock, setting it for a time early in the morning to get in one last workout.

Caffrey: My entire life, I’ve had to stand up to people who said I didn’t have the look. I’m tall as shit but also skinny for a wrestler. I am lean. I wear glasses because I can’t see far away shit and contacts bug me. I don’t look like a rockstar or a movie star. I got bullied for it growing up, and now kids, now I’m the Wrestling Emperor, so if you feel like shit today, know that a new day is just around the corner.

Caffrey seems to take great pride in his last statement. His tone quickly changes.

Caffrey: Now granted, when I go out to the bar, every once in a while I get some drunk frat bro who thinks they can take me. I’m not allowed to hit them, but the determination, effort, and work I’ve put in allows me to know that if some dipshit like that---

Caffrey points to the ‘splattered egg’ on his wall.

Caffrey: ---came up to me and signed the release form, and got in my ring, I’d break their ankle in about forty-five seconds. The first ten seconds being me dropping them on their face with my elbow and posing for the camera. Don’t try this at home, folks.

A small smile begins to slowly make its way onto Caffrey’s lips.

Caffrey: Now, some comments I made about SKY Force -- mostly about that stuffed cat of theirs, got taken waaaaay out of content. I’m sure I made their bulletin board, but that’s fine. Despite them literally being from a company originating in women’s wrestling, we have the best women’s wrestlers on planet Earth in SWAT. I have full confidence in ‘Lucky’ Linda La Fey, the same woman I beat to hang onto my Crown, beating any one of your human members in a match. Hell, she has that confidence too. She’s put an open challenge out for SWAT’s Amazon Championship, and all eyes are on J-ROK right now, so let me put this on the table. One of you comes and fights Linda wherever we happen to be, I will hop on a plane to Japan and take down any member of the J-ROK Roster, up to and including the new bionic man holding the big shiny gold I never truly lost.

Caffrey pauses, knowing the fans at home will be popping wherever they are at the two big matches potentially being made.

Caffrey: Now I’ve grown to like the guy, and I get that J-ROK doesn’t want their meal ticket tapping out in the center of their ring, so I’ll be ready for whoever else they throw my way.

He winks at the camera.

Caffrey: Isn’t it funny that now that fucking Roxylishus is outta here, I can say we have the best women in the planet? Funny how Timeless ‘fans’ who treat women like objects wouldn’t respect a woman making their boy tap out. Maybe instead of looking at women as a sum of their parts, you look at them as wrestlers instead.

Caffrey rolls his eyes, trying to hide his disdain for the year 2020.

Caffrey: And hey, I know that’s a stuffed cat. If they’re dumb enough to put that thing in the ring with me, I will make them pay for it. I’m not worried about a stuffed cat when I take their tag team championships. I’m worried about them as skilled technicians, highfliers, one of them can even powerbomb me, and most importantly, cheaters. I get that Charles is a popular merch item these days, but no one can deny they straight up smacked around the former champions with a cannonball. I get that the refereeing in XHF right now is at all-time low, but that’s a bit of a tainted victory if you ask me. And I should know -- I used to be pretty damn good at those. If they try to cheat a cheat, I’ll be ready for them. And Radu will just flat out-wrestle them. Their days are numbered.

Caffrey jumps onto his bed -- and ends up taking the same pose he took to pin Rat Bastard, posing like one of those French girls.

Caffrey: He’s so good, it hurts. By the way, after starting to get to know him, I can confirm that yes, he does know.

Caffrey laughs.

Caffrey: But hey-- tonight, tonight we fight to prove this dipshit on the wall wrong. We fight tonight -- Radu and I, or just myself, doesn’t matter -- to set the record straight. We fight for those who got bullied for looking different, for those who got underestimated because they’re not someone else’s definition of acceptable. Radu and I may beat to different drums, but we beat in rhythm. You ever get made fun of because you don’t look a certain way, because you don’t act a certain way, because you’re different -- I need to hear you tonight. If you’re in the O2, rock that place tonight. Because as much as I have hate in my heart for dumbshits like that --

Caffrey points at the wall tonight.

Caffrey: -- the power of ten-thousand fans cheering, the power of ten thousand fans rallying behind me ready to fight with me through the ever-growing mountain of bullshit that is 2020 and all that it is has to offer, that’s what keeps me going. My skill, determination, and stamina are going to get me through at least two of these trials. But the power of ten thousand fans screaming in power to shut out the dipshits making our lives miserable is gonna get me through the rest.

Caffrey ponders a final word, but instead just takes one last look at the note on his wall. He crawls into bed, and the last thing we see is him turning out the light to get a good night’s sleep.

[vastrix]

Backstage, Armand von Krauss sits in the medical office as the nurse stitches up his forehead from where Soutter ripped him open with the glass.

Von Krauss: Soutter, you put your hopes into Bruno foolishly. You thought that he would save you in our match. Save you from me.

Armand chuckles, prompting a “Hold still” warning from the nurse.

Von Krauss: Foolishness. Bruno folded in the end. He knew that he had been used by you, Soutter. He knew that he would be better off serving with the KGB where he would be treated as an equal. He left the building with Frostbite so you can’t get to him, Soutter. You can’t attack the man that you thought was your friend. He’s gone.

Just as the nurse finishes the stitches, the door to the medical office opens to let in Gabriel Tuck. He leers at the nurse, who quickly gets out of the way.

Von Krauss: Did you bring my cell phone from the dressing room?

Tuck: Sure thing, boss.

Gabriel hands Armand’s smart phone to him. Armand unlocks it and starts going through it.

Von Krauss: I’m sending you the info you will need for your mission tonight.

Gabriel gets his own phone out and looks at it, seeing a picture of a small, blonde woman.

Tuck: Melissa Gronski? Who is she?

Von Krauss: I had a hacker run tracking programs on all of the shareholders of SWAT. Melissa owns five percent. Her credit card purchases indicate that she bought tickets for this event.

Tuck: Doesn’t mean that she actually came to the arena, boss. She might have bought the tickets as a gift.

Armand just shrugs, reaching for a pocket at his chest that isn’t there. He makes a face.

Von Krauss: I don’t suppose that you brought my cigarettes as well as my phone?

Nurse: Umm, sir? You’re not allowed to smoke in here?

Gabriel smiles at the nurse as he hands a gold cigarette case and lighter to Armand.

Tuck: Boss does what boss wants, bitch. You got something else to say? Maybe we have a little fun. I got a boo boo you could be looking at. It’s in my pants…

The nurse gives a squeak of fear and leaves the office. Armand chuckles, lighting his Egyptian cigarette. He breathes in deep of the imported vice and breathes out a great cloud of smoke.

Von Krauss: I want you, Hehehe, and Hahaha to find Melissa and bring her to me. She’ll sell me her stocks and bring me up to fifteen percent ownership stake.

Tuck: We will work on it, boss. What about Sticky?

Von Krauss: I want Sticky to accompany James Fierce to the ring. He’ll make certain that the Society of the New Breed don’t interfere in the match.

Tuck: You want him to interfere on James’ behalf?

Von Krauss: Why not? I wouldn’t mind seeing this Jonnie Valentine laid low.

Tuck: Boss.

Von Krauss: Yes, Gabriel?

Tuck: Are you planning on replacing Timeless? I mean Bruno was a coup and all, but he isn’t really a wrestler anymore.

Von Krauss: You are right. We could use an addition to the KGB. Someone with some star power that could bring us victories against the Society of the New Breed and anyone else that would dare cross us. I think I might have to set up a meeting with Javier. His client, with a little bit of coaching, could be a brilliant addition.

Tuck: You want me to fetch him up and bring him to your dressing room?

Von Krauss: I think that they left the building after his client defended his Television championship. We’ll have a meeting at the next show. Now go, bring me that shareholder before the end of the night.

Tuck: You got it, boss.

Gabriel Tuck leaves the room while Armand sits in thought, flicking ashes onto the floor of the room.

Von Krauss: I will rule this place, Soutter. You will be the first to be crushed under my foot once I reach majority holdings…

[radu]

(He pensively walks past the television for the fiftieth time in the last hour.)


(Retired.)


(Still doing a few XHF dates to prove he had what it took, but for most purposes done with the business.)


(First Battleground since he retired, and the prospect of watching it at home, not being part of the action, has Deathless climbing the walls.  Does he turn on the set?  To support his friends?  Won't that just make the longing worse?)


(Keep it together Radu.  You once put a rusty nail between your eye ball and the lid in order to stay awake while driving, you can handle a little jealousy at not wrestling tonight.)


(With a deep sigh, The Sacrificial Idol switches on the television.)


Jeremy Tucker: Will Anthony Caffrey find a partner to take on Zoran's tag challenge, or will he go it alone?


Andrew Fulton: If anyone can take on a series of handicap matches and come out on top, its Caffrey, but its going to be a LONG night.


(Breaking into a cold sweat, DEATHLESS turns his attention from the television to the answering machine.  60 messages.  They may not be wrestling related.  Still, having a hard time processing this transition in life, the Beast of Dixie has been avoiding his answering machine.  Maybe there is something important on there.)


Jeremy Tucker: We'll be back... LIVE from London, England!


(Where are they having Battleground?)


(The Sacrificial Idol is at home.)



Radu Matei: Well... shit.


(This is not a good situation.)

[Trent Jones MR Bones.]

Back stage we see Trent Jones. He is is sitting in his locker room his mask is laying on the ground. His head is down and he remains still.

Trent Jones: it’s my fault your dad is dead and I can’t handle that. I truly would switch back if I could. I know you blocked my number and I have a call from the police department back home and Indiana police calling me.

Trent Jones: I guess I am out of here to hide from the police. I am sorry baby and Eddie D I am sorry.

Trent walks out of the locker room leaving behind his mask and his wrestling gear and slides out of the arena.

[SWAT Team]

Jeremy Tucker: Up next fans, we have the Tag Trials.

Andrew Fulton: Do we know what that means yet?

Jeremy Tucker: Like all our former commissioners’ booking – it will be insidious, and a surprise to everyone but him. I would not want to be Caffrey.

The camera cuts to the ring, where Frank Salazar is play with his cue cards.

Frank Salazar: The following exhibition is the Tag Trial!

The arena's lights go off and the fans immediately launch into a roaring pop at the sounds of Fall Out Boy's "My Songs Know What You Did in the Dark" and the sight of the former X-Crown Champion. Anthony Caffrey takes a few moments to stand up at the top of the ramp, looking out at those in the Caffrey Corner before heading down to the ring.

Caffrey steps into the ring and moves past the announcer, handing his glasses off to the timekeeper. He looks back at the entranceway and does a few last minute stretches, knowing he's in for a battle.

Frank Salazar:Introducing first, hailing from The greatest city in the world -- Philadelphia, PA. Coming in at 6’4 and 223 pounds ....
ANOTHONY CAFFREY!!!

*MASSIVE POP*

Frank Salazar: And his partner...

The announcer looks at the cue cards, and then furrows his brow. Who is the partner? Is there a partner? Before the uncomfortable silence can settle...

“Zis on?”

(Confusion as to his current breathing status has a muting effect on the reaction, but there is still a pretty strong chorus of jeers amongst the SWAT faithful as The Final Boss appears on the tron.)

Zoran Sainovic: In ze middle of a pandemic, on a BARGE, surrounded by dozens of mouth breathers whose only distinction was wanting a pound of my flesh – IT STRUCK ME zat it might not be a bad idea to get my affairs in order. Perhaps it’s my corporate background, but it seemed zat a contingency plan for zose I leave behind was a capital idea. Zat is just good business.

If you Sainiacs are seeing zis, zen I have passed on.

It was probably ze virus zat did me in… sped up by ze negligent booking by zat basic bitch, Bobby Barrett... or questionable hygienic practices of Jack Diamond. Zey’ll get zere’s too. Regardless of how or when it occurred, ze moment of my passing set a number of wheels in motion. Hirings, firings, contracts, and bookings; nothing overly elaborate, but I never needed more zan ten moves to checkmate my opponents. I cast a LONG shadow. If you zought I was the DEVIL in life, you have NO IDEA of ze storm zat is coming.

I wonder what ze turn out was like for my funeral?

More zan YOURS, Toni…

No, Toni. You don’t get along with people, do you?

Signing you was a big break for SWAT, but ze talent zat arrived? Your heart is still in a dead federation. You don’t mix well with ze boys. You can’t connect to anyone without an AXW connection. Ze fans cheer you, but do zey know you? Well I know you, Toni. You’re a lone wolf. Don’t like people much, which is fine, you can wrestle circles around ze lesser talents with one hand, even while holding your nose with ze other. Liking people is overrated.

You also don’t TRUST anyone. If we don’t correct zat character quirk, well, zat will be your downfall my boy. I am concerned zat without me, YOUR ONLY FRIEND IN ZE WORLD, zat you are going to get yourself into trouble, Toni. I need to show you ze error of your ways.

Which brings me to Ze Tag Trials.

You, Toni, will need to find a partner. Check your feelings of superiority, and put your TRUST into another person. It’s your last chance to grow. You have mastered singles wrestling, but if you can’t rise to zis challenge? Your career will rot faster zan I am. Ze Tag Trials. You can try to go zem alone, like you always do, but it will be a VERY LONG night. Ze kind of night zat leads to career ending injuries...

So it’s a gauntlet match? HARDLY. Zose have a set number of teams, and continue on as a SINGLE contest. Zis? You – and a partner, if zere is anyone on ze roster you haven’t rubbed ze wrong way – will be involved in a NUMBER of matches. A half dozen teams zat SWAT has been eyeing to bolster our tag division. Are zey worth our time? COMPANY MAN zat you are, Toni, you get to put zem to ze test.

Zanks Toni. What a team player.

(The image freezes just as the late commissioner shoots the camera a sardonic smile.)

Jeremy Tucker: For those of you just joining us, ZORAN SAINOVIC IS STILL DEAD. What we just witnessed was a prerecorded video - part of a will, if you will. It appears that even in death, Zoran Sainovic is trying to make Anthony Caffrey’s life a living hell.

Andrew Fulton: Can he do that? I know they’re pushing through paperwork to bring in a new commissioner, but matches set up from beyond the grave? I mean, this is a man who probably STOLE 40 million dollars from the company. Do we really have to respect his wishes? And given how all our futures are threatened by that theft, are we really in the market to hire these teams that are competing?

Jeremy Tucker: No sign of a partner, it looks like Caffrey is going it alone.

Andrew Fulton: Does Matei even know this match is going down? I know Caffrey has shamed him into teaming at XHF events, but returning to SWAT after retiring? Way too high strung for that.

Frank Salazar: Um... and HIS opponents, Gary Sanders and Jim White,

THE LEAPING LEPERS!!!!!!!!

Two men wrapped up in heavy bandages and rags shamble out of the back. Energetically, they jump down the aisle, actively trying to high five fans on their way down. For their part, the audience put some real distance between themselves and the guardrail. Filthy hands still uncomfortably close.

Jeremy Tucker: So he’s trying to give Caffrey leprosy?

Andrew Fulton: Don’t be such a mark. These Indy darlings are just quadriplegic car crash victims; but with those many artificial limbs, you might as well make the most of it.

DING! DING!! DING!!!

Jeremy Tucker: It looks like Gary White is starting things out with Caffrey. There’s the lock-up, with Caffrey turning it into a wristlock. White ignoring the lock, like he had nerves in that wrist. Goes for an elbow, but Caffrey ducks under, and applies more pressure on the wrist. Still nothing. Armdrag throws White across the ring. White dashing back, but Caffrey pulls him over with another armdrag. Hangs onto the arm, turning it into an armbar – still no sign of pain, so Caffrey snaps off a knee to the back. That registered.

Andrew Fulton: If anyone could pull off a series of handicap matches, Caffrey could on pure technical skill.

Jeremy Tucker: Dropkick to the back of a seated White’s head. Force is enough to put the man down, and Caffrey picking up the ankle

THE PROCESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !

Andrew Fulton: JESUS CHRIST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*THAT’S FUCKED UP CHANT*

Jeremy Tucker: Anthony Caffrey just RIPPED White’s leg CLEAN OFF with his devastating ankle lock! He clued into the fact that it is artificial in pretty short order. But for a second there? That was a HELL of a head-trip...

Andrew Fulton: You know that Zoran Sainovic is having a good laugh at Caffrey’s expense in heaven.

Jeremy Tucker: I don’t even know where to BEGIN to correct that statement. Caffrey throwing the leg away, looking to end this with a Brotherly Love – but Gary Sanders from behind with a cheap shot to the neck. Punching away at Caffrey – I’d be surprised if that artificial hand wasn’t loaded.

Andrew Fulton: Caffrey wouldn’t be acknowledging him if it wasn’t. Illegal arm – ha – taking its toll, and the SWAT superstar finally taking a knee!

Jeremy Tucker: Caffrey trying to shake it off, but the second breather is all it takes for White to get to his corner. HOT TAG!!!

*INDY POP*

Jeremy Tucker: ...And their hands are knocked off by the force of the tag, sent flying through the air - because OF COURSE they are.

Andrew Fulton: Caffrey from behind with a running knee knocks Sanders into White. White knocked off the apron to the floor, but Sanders now the legal man, and Caffrey pulling him into a STIFF European Uppercut. Chin seems real enough. That’s all The Emperor needs, spinning elbow knocks Sanders into the corner – and TORNADO DDT!

Jeremy Tucker: There is the cover. 1 – 2 – White on the outside tries to put Sander’s foot on the ropes-

*INDY POP*

Jeremy Tucker: 3!!! Rather than break the pin, White accidentally pulled Sanders’ leg off.

DING! DING!! DING!!!

Frank Salazar: The winner of this match... Anthony Caffrey!

Jeremy Tucker: Well there is the first Trial, and outside of a few weapon’s shots – Caffrey barely breaking a sweat.

Andrew Fulton: The night is young.

Frank Salazar: The following contest is scheduled for one fall, and has a twenty-minute time limit. Already in the ring, Anthony Caffrey – and his opponents, Carlton Draught Dude and Victoria Bitter Boy,

The Lager Studs!!!

Out of the back step the two popular beer mascots, occasional SWAT Backyard workers, fulltime alcoholics, and until the recent downsizing, SWAT HQ sanitation crew. Carlton opens two six packs with his teeth, before downing the liquid courage. Victoria smashes two bottles of his bitter brew against his head to show how much tougher his drink is, but the glass cuts deep, and this seems like an incredibly bad idea in hindsight.

Jeremy Tuckers: Well there are some familiar faces. Just in case there was any doubt that Sainovic had loaded this challenge with his stooges. Carlton is a stand-up guy, but that Bitter Boy? Caffrey had better keep an eye on him.

Andrew Fulton: He’s already found an interesting way to sneak broken glass into the ring.

Jeremy Tucker: Looks like it will be Carlton starting off with Caffrey. Carlton attacking before the bell with a closeline-

DING! DING!! DING!!!

Jeremy Tucker: –But Caffrey ducks under it. Carlton spinning around with a kick, but Caffrey takes him over with a dragon screw leg whip. Hanging onto the ankle, The Emperor twists it into The Process! NO! Lets go of it to avoid a superkick from Victoria.

Andrew Fulton: Victoria turning for another attack, CLOSING REMARKS!

Jeremy Tucker: The eyes just rolled back in Bitter Boy’s head!

Andrew Fulton: Caffrey just knocked him the F out, but Victoria isn’t even the legal man, and here comes Carlton.

Jeremy Tucker: Another closeline attempt, this time Caffrey armdrags him onto Victoria – and stomps on both men! Not even kicking Victoria out of the ring, Caffrey dragging Carlton into The Process again! No one to save him now!

DING! DING!! DING!!!

Frank Salazar: The winner of this match as the result of a submission, Anthony Caffrey!!!!

Jeremy Tucker: That was fast. And Carlton made the mistake of tapping out on Victoria – waking his tag partner up in a rough fashion.

Andrew Fulton: Slapping broken glass will do that. Victoria not pleased, and the duo rolling out of the ring trying to choke each other while arguing which drink is better.

Frank Salazar: Ladies and gentlemen... the following contest is scheduled for one fall and has a twenty minute time limit. Already in the ring, Anthony Caffrey... and his opponents,

The Arizona Assassins!!!!!!!!

Five masked men dressed similar to the late great Adrian Tanner push through the curtains.

Jeremy Tucker: We haven’t seen these masked men for some time. As if two against one wasn’t bad enough, this Adrian Tanner appreciation society bring the numbers.

Andrew Fulton: I think that’s Number 4 and 9 that are getting ready to wrestle. It’s hard to tell with the masks.

Jeremy Tucker: 4 and 37. 666. B2, and I want to say 8 are on the outside.

DING! DING!! DING!!!

Andrew Fulton: Lock-up to start, but 37 with a headbutt catching Caffrey in the eye. Thumb to the throat. Caffrey coming back vicious chop! Going for a – 37 fighting through it to shove Caffrey into the ropes. 37 trying to shake off punches, while choking Caffrey against the rope!

Jeremy Tucker: Referee Skip Skinner pulling 37 off him. But with the referee’s back turned, 8 on the outside continues with the choking. COME ON REF!

Andrew Fulton: 8 with an eye gouge finally knocks Caffrey off the ropes. Inside, 37 rakes the back. Starts to pick Caffrey up for a scoop slam, but the superior technician lands on his feet, and turns it into a waistlock. Elbows are ducked. Caffrey takes 37 over with a waistlock takedown, and-

Jeremy Tucker: Transitions into an STF! Dead centre of the ring. This is what makes Caffrey so dangerous, he can pull submissions out of-

Andrew Fulton: 4 charging in, stomps away at Caffrey to break it up. Skinner escorting 4 out, but 37 saved.

Jeremy Tucker: We knew the numbers would be against him eventually. 37 fighting back up to his feet, punching away, but Caffrey chopping back. The two men back up, and 37 goes for a shoulder tackle, but Caffrey leap frogs over him. 37 tagging 4 in, before rebounding off the ropes – goes for a spear, but Caffrey pulls him into a kneelift.

Andrew Fulton: Goes for a cover, but Skinner informs him that 4 is the legal man. 4 entering with a slingshot legdrop, catches Caffrey in the back of the neck. 4 with a cover...

Jeremy Tucker: 1! Big kickout!

Andrew Fulton: The Arizona Assassins both putting the boots to Caffrey. Referee Skip Skinner giving them a 5 count. Double neckbreaker! Skip insisting that 37 leave the ring, but they want to get a double suplex in! Getting him up! NO! Caffrey turns it into a double DDT! Both Assassins down, and Caffrey into ropes comes off, DOUBLE PHOREARM SMASH!!!

Jeremy Tucker: 37 rolling out of the ring in pain, and Caffrey hooking the leg of 4. 1! 2! 8 up on the apron! Seriously ref?! Skip stopping the count to argue with 8, and behind them, B2 replacing the downed 4 – taking the exact same prone position. I can’t tell the difference!

Andrew Fulton: 8 jumps off the apron just in time to avoid a European uppercut from Caffrey. Caffrey turns back to the unconscious Assassin he believes to be 4, but B2 catches him with a low blow, and pulls him over with a small package.

Jeremy Tucker: 1 – 2 – big kickout, but the surprise was there. A man alone, Caffrey needs to have eyes in the back of his head. Speaking of eyes, B2 with an eye gouge. Tries to go for an anaconda vice, but Caffrey slaps the grasp aside, and rolls him around for a camel clutch!

Andrew Fulton: Assassin 37 off the top with a missile dropkick, Caffrey lets go of the clutch to avoid it.

Jeremy Tucker: 37 jumping back up, and starts to charge in for a shoulder tackle, but Caffrey ducks slightly and lets him run neck first into an ace breaker! B2 charging in, but Caffrey shoots for the leg – got him. The Emperor rolling through, and slapping on a half Boston. His full crab is quite impre-

DING! DING!! DING!!!

Jeremy Tucker: Apparently one leg will do. Anthony Caffrey making B2 tap to that half Boston before any of the other Assassins can do anything about it.

Andrew Fulton: Caffrey prevails again, but the Assassins got a lot more offence in. These are starting to take a toll.

Frank Salazar: The winner of this match as the result of a submission, Anthony Caffrey!!!

Jeremy Tucker: Three for thr- COME ON!

DING! DING!! DING!!!

Andrew Fulton: All five of the Arizona Assassins assaulting Anthony Caffrey after the bell.

DING! DING!!! DING!!!

Jeremy Tucker: Security! Caffrey so technically adept, that the Assassins could barely get a move in on him, but blindsided, he’s an easy target for these brutes. All five men just kicking away.

DING! DING!! DING!!!!

Andrew Fulton: No surprise there. Glorified hit men, you bring them in when you want someone injured. This wasn’t about a match for them, they are here to hurt Caffrey. And why is the timekeeper ringing that bell? Does he think its encouraging them to stop? What are you going to do, reverse the decision? Caffrey DOMINATED them.

Jeremy Tucker: The Arizona Assassins pleased with their handiwork, finally leave, but the damage is done.

Andrew Fulton: Frank Salazar checking to see if he should continue, but Caffrey using the ropes to pull himself up. Looking worse for wear, but slowly confirming that he isn’t going anywhere.

Frank Salazar: Ladies and gentlemen, the following contest is scheduled for one fall and has a 20 minute time limit. Already in the ring, Anthony Caffrey and his opponents...

“Mr. Serious” Jack East

AND

The Industrial Man –

WETWORKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Jack East steps out from the back to a chorus of boos from the SWAT fans that remember his cowardly attack on Lucky Linda in the Haunted House match. It’s only after a few moments, before Caffrey realizes he’s come out alone.

*MONSTER JEERS*

DING! DING!! DING!!!

Andrew Fulton: ATTILA BALAN ATTACKING FROM BEHIND!!! THE INDUSTRIAL MAN COMING IN THROUGH THE AUDIENCE, NOW KICKING AWAY AT CAFFREY!

Jeremy Tucker: Please, Attila Balan isn’t the kind of man to accept a handicap match, nor does he need to attack from behind. THAT IS THE KNOCKOFF I-MAN! Zoran’s bodyguard flunky who has had a HATE ON for Caffrey since before the Rumble...

Andrew Fulton: Yeah, based on the gang beating, its probably not the 2018 Face of the Year... but I still say they look alike.

Jeremy Tucker: KO going for the Fusion Reactor, but Caffrey with the presence of mind to reverse it into- no, Jack East with a STIFF forearm smash to the kidney puts a stop on that reversal. KO follows through FUSION REACTOR!!!

Andrew Fulton: That’ll leave a mark. Double kneebreaker! And again! KO switching to a chokeslam, and East holding the legs for a HIGH ANGLE chokeslam! KO handing onto the throat, starts to choke – but Caffrey getting his legs up to turn it into a cross armbrea- East breaks it with a boot to the head.

Jeremy Tucker: East tying up Caffrey’s arms so he can’t break out, and the fake I-Man with the BROKEN PARTS!!! 1 – Knockoff is quick to get off.

Andrew Fulton: This isn’t about pinfalls, this is Zoran Sainovic looking for company, and buying the best mercenaries he could find to do just that.

Jeremy Tucker: Skip Skinner finally getting in the monster’s faces. Only legal men in the ring! East grounds Caffrey with his Eastern Dreams! Knockoff doing a lacklustre robot impression over to his corner, which just continues to piss off the fans that WISH he was the real deal.

Andrew Fulton: Nope, not going to his corner – ripping the padding off! Jack East firing Caffrey in headfirst! The exposed steel cutting open The Emperor’s forehead.

Jeremy Tucker: Jack East charging in with a splash, but Caffrey rolls under. East going chest first into the steel. Caffrey from behind – nope, Knockoff again with a mechanized closeline almost takes Caffrey’s head off. As long as these two aren’t being forced to tag, what hope is there? What is this referee doing? It’s not like Sainovic can fire him.

Andrew Fulton: Are we sure about that? Now that he’s a ghost, apparently he can do anything.

Jeremy Tucker: East and The pseudo Industrial Man hyper extending Caffrey’s leg across that exposed steel, almost wish boning him. They won’t be happy with anything less than a career ending injury.

*MEGA POP*

Andrew Fulton: I don’t get this audience. That seems like something you would bo- OH.

Flashbulbs go off as Radu Matei charges down the aisle as fast as a man with twelve bolts holding his legs together can move.

Jeremy Tucker: RADU MATEI IS HERE!!! GOING BACK ON HIS WORD TO RETIRE FROM SWAT MUST BE DAMN NEAR KILLING HIM, BUT HE ISN’T GOING TO LEAVE CAFFREY TO THE MERCY OF THESE WOLVES!

Andrew Fulton: East concerned about the positive crowd reaction, but doesn’t see the Beast of Dixie slide into the ring.

! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !

Jeremy Tucker: BED BUGS BITE!!!!!!!!!!!

Andrew Fulton: Jack East taken down by that BRUTAL fall away sleeper neckbreaker!

Jeremy Tucker: Knockoff leaving Caffrey to attack Radu – big Metal boot! Again. But Matei is just happy to provide an alternative target. Another INDUSTRIAL STRIKE – but Matei just flashes a bloody smile. He lives to absorb that crap!

Andrew Fulton: Knockoff with the Industrial Noise, but Radu blocks, and a BRUTAL FOREARM SMASH to the temple, will knock a few springs loose.

Jeremy Tucker: Matei starts to go for the Creep Crawl, but KO puts the breaks on, so Deathless shoulders him into the corner. HARD IRISH WHIP INTO THE EXPOSED CORNER! And Matei with a second to check on Caffrey...

! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !

Jeremy Tucker: MATEI WITH AN IRISH WHIP SENDS CAFFREY CHARGING INTO THE CORNER!!!

Andrew Fulton: CLOSING REMARKS!!!

Jeremy Tucker: CAUGHT KNOCKOFF RIGHT ON THE JAW!!!

Andrew Fulton: Knockoff falls out of the corner, and Caffrey slumps to his knees. Does he have enough energy to make the cover?

Jeremy Tucker: Jack East coming too on the outside, starts to head back- RADU through the ropes with a SUICIDE DIVE!! Both men sprawled out on the outside, and inside the ring, Caffrey crawling over to Taiwan Balan...

! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !

Andrew Fulton: THE PROCESS!!! THE PROCESS!!! HE LOOKS CONCUSSED, BUT ANTHONY CAFFREY HAS THE PROCESS LOCKED IN ON THE INDUSTRIAL MAN!!!

Jeremy Tucker: Outside, Jack East THROWS A CHAIR – but Radu Matei leaps in front. Right to the nose. It wouldn’t be a Radu Matei appearance without a waterfall of blood.

Andrew Fulton: East side stepping Matei to get to the ring, but Deathless with a fistful of tights holds him back!

DING! DING!! DING!!!

Jeremy Tucker: KNOCKOFF INDUSTRIAL MAN GIVES UP! THE AGONY FROM THE PROCESS PROVES TOO MUCH! EVEN AFTER THAT VICIOUS ASSAULT, ANTHONY CAFFREY SHOWING WHY HE’S ONE OF THE VERY BEST IN THE WORLD!

Andrew Fulton: Outside, The Sacrificial Idol plants East on the concrete with an Omukade Crush. Matei re-entering the ring, and the two men exchanging words.

Frank Salazar: : THE WINNERS OF THIS MATCH AS THE RESULT OF A SUBMISSION, ANTHONY CAFFERY AND RADU MATEI –

THE PURPLE EMPERORS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*MONSTER POP*

Jeremy Tucker: Caffrey tossing Knockoff through the ropes into Jack East. The Wetworks left to recollect themselves out on the floor.

“RAWR!!!!”

Andrew Fulton: What the hell was that?

Frank Salazar: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THE FOLLOWING CONTEST IS SCHEDULED FOR ONE FALL AND HAS A TWENTY MINUTE TIME LIMIT! ALREADY IN THE RING, THE PURPLE EMPERORS... AND THEIR OPPONENTS...

#RAWR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#

Andrew Fulton: NO! I THOUGHT HE DIED TOO?

Jeremy Tucker: Where’s he going to go, Australia?

Frank Salazar: The Extinction Connection of “Tumbleweed” Bill Stokes...

And

“The Dread Lord” DINOSAUR BONES!

There is a mixed reaction as an elderly cowboy comes out doing lasso tricks, while the ring curtains are torn off by the massive frame of Dinosaur Bones. Being partially responsible for Zoran Sainovic’s death gets the rubber lizard some fan support, which is only squandered when they realize he’d like to do the same to them.

Andrew Fulton: Caffrey taking the corner. As Radu Matei starts things off, wanting to give his partner a breather. Bill Stokes happy to do rope tricks in the corner, as Bones climbs over the top rope. I see he is once again wearing the SWAT Ultimate title.

Jeremy Tucker: A little soot stained from that exploding Haunted House, but that makes him our three-time champ.

DING! DING!! DING!!!

Andrew Fulton: AND THEY’RE OFF! The Sacrificial Idol and the Dread Lord exchanging shots. Those tiny dinosaur arms don’t look like much, but he is consistently sucker punching the cut on the ridge of Matei’s nose... at the same time, as stiff a brawler as Matei is, who can say how much damage that suit can absorb.

Jeremy Tucker: Deathless quickly wearing a crimson mask, but starts laying into the shots – focusing on the part of the suit where it’s operator’s head-

Andrew Fulton: KAYFABE JEREMY!

Jeremy Tucker: Where his conscience is located. Its safe to say that Matei wants to break the conscience’s jaw with a few of those forearm smashes to the chest.

Andrew Fulton: Punching Bones back into the corner, setting up the 100 Blows. One, two, three, four-

Jeremy Tucker: You don’t have to count along.

Andrew Fulton: Thirty-nine, forty, forty-one, for-

Jeremy Tucker: Bones countering with a BITE! Radu not even trying to block it, absorbing punishment is what he-

! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !

Jeremy Tucker: I don’t think Radu expected the rubber dinosaur to have steel teeth. Or for the mouth to function. BONES CLAMPS THAT HORRIFIC BITE ONTO MATEI’S RIGHT SHOULDER! BLOOD JUST GUSHING OUT LIKE A SPRINKLER!

Andrew Fulton: Matei firing off more forearms, trying to knock Bones off – but those teeth are operated in the suit. It’s LOCKED on. Matei could knock Bones out cold, and still have those things digging in. The fight causing him to bleed out.

Jeremy Tucker: Matei trying to shake it off, but the big brute holding fast – and clawing and kicking as well.

Andrew Fulton: Radu forcing the jaws off – but they took like they damn near skinned him. Even by Matei’s standards he’s losing a lot of blood.

Jeremy Tucker: Teasing passing out, but trying to stay in to give his partner more time to recover. Noble, but Caffrey slapping Matei’s back to tag HIMSELF in.

Andrew Fulton: Matei too out of it to notice, with a hard right to Bones kidney – and the Dread Lord did not like that! BIG TAIL SWING!

*POP*

Jeremy Tucker: Blindly swinging that tail, Bones CAUGHT Stokes in the head – and the force KNOCKED Tumbleweed into the ring. Referee is counting it as a tag! Stokes and Caffrey are your legal men, but neither Bones nor Radu are aware of it.

Andrew Fulton: HIGH ANGLE POUNCE shoves Radu Matei over the top rope to the ground below!!!

Jeremy Tucker: Bones following him out, running along the ring apron and DIVES OFF with a flying elbow!

Andrew Fulton: It looks ridiculous but that is a hell of a lot of weight to come crashing out to the concrete. Bones squashing Matei on the outside like a bug.

Jeremy Tucker: Inside the ring, Stokes is completely unconscious. Caffrey again locking on The Process to make the unresponsive knockout official – and Stokes still manages to come too fast enough to scream for mercy.

DING!!! DING!!!! DING!!!!!

Frank Salazar: The winners of this match as the result of a submission,

THE PURPLE EMPERORS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Andrew Fulton: That is the teams second win of the night. Fifth for Caffrey! Not that the match ending is stopping Matei and Bones from brawling on the outside.

Jeremy Tucker: A dozen security guards racing down the aisle, trying to separate the two.

Andrew Fulton: They don’t subdue Bones as much as distract him. Security now fleeing to the back as the undead lizard king gives chase.

Jeremy Tucker: Radu rejoining Caffrey in the ring, and trying to use some duct tape to patch up his maimed chest.

Andrew Fulton: Caffrey seems to be getting the full Matei experience.

Frank Salazar: Ladies. Gentlemen. The following tag team contest is scheduled for one fall. The gentlemen in the ring need no introduction. And their opponents...

LORD RAKNOR

DIBILIUS WORMSTRUM

ACCOMPANIED BY SIGNORENZA, CAPTAIN CECIL, AND DORF...

THE MURDER HOBO EXPRESS!!!!!

The crowd are vocal in their abuse of Zoran Sainovic’s army of homicidal cosplayers. You didn’t think we’d call back those characters did you? Neither did I, which is why we are roughly guessing their names.

Jeremy Tucker: You might not like the fact that Dibilius claims to be a chaotic evil Ogre mage, or that Raknor is a hobgoblin paladin. LOOK. We know they aren’t really magical creatures. But at the end of the day, they are damn near seven feet tall, and even if the blue skin tone is make-up those muscles aren’t. These two are BEASTS.

Andrew Fulton: And The Purple Emperors have already been through a war.

DING! DING!! DING!!!

Jeremy Tucker: Raknor starting things off with – DOUBLE CLOSELINE by the Purple Emperors send the big man crashing out to the floor.

Andrew Fulton: Dibilius trying to answer them, but Matei grabs him by the waist, and pulls him into a bulldog by Caffrey.

Jeremy Tucker: Caffrey applying a surfboard to Dibilius, and Matei with a double stomp to the midsection. Rather than go for a cover, he waits for Raknor to start climbing up-

Andrew Fulton: Spiked swinging neckbreaker on Raknor. Are... are the Purple Emperor’s trying out finishers?

Jeremy Tucker: It doesn’t seem like they’re as concerned about loss, as fine-tuning their tag teaming, yes. Double spinning leglock in opposite directions... that is just cruel.

Andrew Fulton: DOOMSDAY DEVICE ON DIBILIUS! Matei doesn’t like the way he failed to fall on their head, so he suggests they repeat the spot.

Jeremy Tucker: DOOMSDAY DEVICE ON DIBILIUS! Still not right.

Andrew Fulton: DOOMSDAY DEVICE ON DIBILIUS! That poor guy.

Jeremy Tucker: A forth doomsday device is interrupted by Raknor – ONLY THIS TIME DIBILIUS LANDS ON HIS HEAD! Radu offering Raknor a high five, but when the enthusiasm for the potential crippling of his partner isn’t reciprocated, Radu buries a boot in the Paladin’s midsection.

Andrew Fulton: Caffrey with a drop toehold, sends Raknor falling face first into Matei’s Ascellius strike!

Jeremy Tucker: Raknor is down. Now Matei grabbing Dibilius, and IRISH WHIP INTO THE CLOSING REMARKS!

Andrew Fulton: Both men pinning a respective Hobo. The large cosplaying entourage cast cure wounds on the outside, but it doesn’t seem to work.

Jeremy Tucker: 1, 2, 3!

DING!! DING!!! DING!!!!

Frank Salazar: The winners of this match, in a time of four minutes – the Purple Emperors!!!!!!!!!

Andrew Fulton: Caffrey’s sixth match! Three handicap wins, and three tag wins! It’s like running The Anzac in one night – except for robbing larpers of their fleeting dignity.

Frank Salazar: The following contest... IS A BLANKET FORT DEATH MATCH!

! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !

Jeremy Tucker: That’s new.

The camera pans from the entrance to the left ten feet, where there sits the Taj Mahal of pillow fortresses. Inside the fort, a smug son of a bitch and a trapper are ripping apart pillows looking for something.

Frank Salazar: The only way to win is to retrieve a prize from inside one of the pillows. The match has been under way for over twenty minutes now. Racing from the ring towards the match they should have been focusing on, The Purple Emperors.

And their opponents, from the Northern wasteland of Canada...

“The Apologist” Meriwether Maple

and his partner,

Wendigo Phil

They are – The Poutine Appreciation Society!

Andrew Fulton: The Purple Emperors really seem behind on that treasure hunt. Probably shouldn’t have toyed with the Dungeon and Dragon kids.

Jeremy Tucker: No sooner are they there, then Maple pulls a barbwire hockey stick out of one of the mattresses. Goes to town on Matei with it, while apologizing for each hit, like the dirty Canadian stereotype he is.

Andrew Fulton: On the other side of the fort, Caffrey reverses a lariat into a hiptoss – throwing Phil into a pile of pillows. Fortunately, the pillows break Phil’s fall. Unfortunately, they are full of glass.

Jeremy Tucker: Wendigo pulls open one of the pillows, still looking for gold – only to find a beer trap, which Caffrey shining wizard’s into his face!

Andrew Fulton: That’ll leave a mark.

Jeremy Tucker: Matei and Maple fighting over a gold throw pillow, reasoning that the inside might be gold too. Maple with an eye gouge, while saying he’s just trying to help Matei get some fluff out of his eye. What a nice man. The filthy bastard.

Andrew Fulton: Matei has had enough of this cultural exchange, and after burying a knee in the midsection, JACK KNIFE POWERBOMBS MAPLE onto the only part of the floor that isn’t fluffy.

Jeremy Tucker: Returning to the gold pillow, he finds Rajiv Khan opening it. Khan looks disappointed that there is nothing inside. Wait, Rajiv Khan?

Andrew Fulton: Matei finds both the Indian Assassins and the O-Z both muscling in on their match. They’re all pals, so I’m sure he won’t...

Jeremy Tucker: Radu using a broken piece of barbwire hockey stick to chase his friends away from whatever prize is in that fort.

Andrew Fulton: Caffrey has Phil in a full Boston, and Phil is TAPPING – but the only way to win this match is to retrieve something, whatever that is.

“RAWR!!!”

Jeremy Tucker: Dinosaur Bones chasing frightened security back towards fort – and the men rampage into load bearing pillars!

Andrew Fulton: The roof of the fort has collapsed down onto them. I mean, I can see the sheets moving, so they are clearly still brawling, but there is no way of knowing what’s going on underneath.

Jeremy Tucker: I’m pretty sure we can guess who is winning.

Andrew Fulton: If its pitch black, The Purple Emperors could be beating each other.

Jeremy Tucker: That’s true.

Andrew Fulton: Various members of the security staff scurrying out from under the fallen construct, half of them bloody.

Jeremy Tucker: Dinosaur Bones just ripped through the centre, throwing TJ Souza a good twenty feet with his backdrop – now stomping off after the frightened security.

Andrew Fulton: The violently moving sheets still obscuring most of the action despite the large hole – oh, Caffrey just hit Maple with a spinning backhand. I made that out.

Jeremy Tucker: Brien O. Thomas trying to crawl out of the west tower – which has a reported 7000 thread count – but being dragged back under by Wendigo Phil.

#SMACK#
#TWACK#
#SMACK#
#CHOP#
#CHOP#
#CHOP#
#WOOOOOOOOOooooooooooo#
#SMACK#
#DING#
#UUuuuuuuuuuuuh#
#I’ve foun-
#DING#
#SMACK#
#CRASH#
#Curses*
#BAM#
#POW#

Andrew Fulton: I don’t know what kind of action is going on under there, but it sounds amazing.

#SILENCE#

Jeremy Tucker: The movement seems to be coming to a- no wait, something crawling over by the blanket draw bridge...

#SMACK#

Jeremy Tucker: That took care of the movement.

Andrew Fulton: Wait, here come the Purple Emperors out of the giant hole in the – sheet moat?

Jeremy Tucker: Holding a large white pillow, the duo digs in... to find... paperwork?

DING! DING!! DING!!!!

Frank Salazar: Having found the SWAT Tag Team contract, your winners are... THE PURPLE EMPERORS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Jeremy Tucker: A contract...

Andrew Fulton: So, this whole time, Matei and Caffrey have just been preventing guys from getting work?

Jeremy Tucker: That certainly sounds like a Sainovic move.

Frank Salazar: AND WITH THAT, THE TAG TEAM TRIALS COME TO A CLOSE.

Andrew Fulton: Well, four tag wins, and three singles victories beforehand... a good seven matches. Anthony Caffrey is a damned machine.

Jeremy Tucker: And with Radu as a partner? The Tag scene is definitely heating up. The Purple Emperors ignoring the contract, but posing for an appreciative crowd.

Matei and Caffrey stand triumphant, as the fans chant their names.

[ManMountainFierce]

The scene opens high up on a mountain.

Not those Rocky Mountains with the snow covered tips.

These mountains are mature, knowledgeable, grumpy old oafs like our hero, James Fierce.

The profile of James slowly fades in, gazing pensively off into the distance.

The thoughts of the veteran wrestler are his own, but one could speculate his thoughts.

Could it be, that after all these years, he has finally understood the meaning of Donnie Darko?

Is he pondering the meaning of the number 42, and the fact that it is the answer to the meaning of life, the universe, and everything?

Or is our magnificent hero thinking of the needless violence flammed by the wannabe authoritarian in the presidential residence?

That gleam in our heroes eyes, is it a tear for those lost due to the pandemic?

Could it be the old hillbilly has developed compassion for those who have mistakenly wandered onto his property and fallen prey to one of the many snares?

Or is our hero mourning the loss of old friends either to death or stupidity or in some cases both.

Has the stripes of our hero changed?

Has the iron been leeched out of the primordial bear?

The look of disgust creeps as a scowl develops on Fierce's face.

Is his anger laser tuned towards the injustice that haunts the county in which he calls home?

Or maybe, just maybe the hypocrisy has finally taken its toll from the so called pro lifers, whose caring for life only extends to one another while they are in the uterus.

Or possibly its...

James gazes towards the audience, with anger and tears, with passionate loathing.

James Fierce: Rally, how fucking dare you put that bad mojo out into the world. No on, and I mean no one wants to see that shit on tv. Fairtex twins on national "unscripted" TV is a horror I shall not abide by.

And Jonnie, that's some good shit man.

fade.

[SWAT Team]

"Top That" From The Teen Witch Soundtrack hits and Jonnie comes out dressed in a red tasseled jacket with "Delightful" written in cursive lettering on the back. Red trunks and white boots with "JV" embroidered on them. Jonnie jogs down to the ring, slapping fans hands, doing a full lap around the front row. He finds an old lady or geeky teen singing his theme song, and he sings along with them. He pulls on the top rope to vault inside the ring and does the double guns to the crowd, holding the SWAT World Title up in the air for all to see.

Frank Salazar : The following contest is scheduled for ONE fall … Introducing, hailing from Palm Springs, California. Coming in at 5’10 and 234 pounds ......... DELIGHTFUL .... JONNIE VALENTINE!!!!

The strum of the banjo brings the red blood splatter on the video board as James walks out onto the stage. He looks left and then right slowly shaking his head before a smile creeps across his face.

Frank Salazar : Now introducing his opponent, hailing from Some Holler in VW. Coming in at 6’1 and 255 pounds .... representing the KGB ..... .The Ferocious One .... JAMES FIERCE!!!!!

Jeremy Tucker : Referee Vick Mackey calls for the bell and we are under way in this huge match up. Jonnie has been on a roll of late, kicking ass and taking names, and how about that announcement earlier Andy, I was a bit worried he was going to hang up the boots for a moment there.

[They go to hook up and Jonnie with a nice arm drag on Fierce.]

Andrew Fulton : The guy was clearly pandering to these Pommy fans in the crowd, he is toying with their emotions.

Jeremy Tucker : And mine! Jonnie with a firemans carry into an arm bar. Fierce rolls out of it and clocks Valentine with a stiff elbow to the jaw.

Andrew Fulton : Fierce is a machine in the ring. He locks on a hammer lock and starts applying the pressure, look at the look on Valentines face, he is pure agony! He may tap right here!

Jeremy Tucker : Never! He can absorb inhuman amounts of punishment, and all in the name of providing us with entertainment. Valentine rolls out of the hammerlock, countering it with an arm twist so hard that it flips Fierce into the turnbuckle. And look at the look on The Hillbilly’s face, he is shocked!

Andrew Fulton : As well he should be, Valentine clearly used the hair there.

Jeremy Tucker : He did no such thing. Fierce slides out of the ring to take a breather and is signalling to Mackey it’s a Time Out. Come on ref, there is no time outs in wrestling.

Andrew Fulton : There is now Jerry.

Jeremy Tucker : No, look, Mackey is putting the count on him

Andrew Fulton : And it’s a quick on too, far too quick. Fierce looks on at Mackey’s fast count and quickly rolls into the ring, then gets in his face, that’s it James, you tell him!

Jeremy Tucker : Valentine gets in there and he lights up Fierce with a knife edge chop to the chest, then another!

Andrew Fulton : Fierce firing back with a big right hand punch.

Jeremy Tucker : Chop by Jonnie.

Andrew Fulton : Big haymaker from Fierce, and that rocks Jonnie. Another big left hand but Jonnie blocks this one …

Jeremy Tucker : Snap dragon suplex!! The Delightful One nailed it!

Andrew Fulton : James working back to his feet, Valentine with a running knee strike!

Jeremy Tucker : Jonnie going for the cover ….

One ……………

Two ….. kick out by Fierce.

Andrew Fulton : Fierce back on the offence now, and he clobbers Jonnie then grinds the forearm into the back of his head.

Jeremy Tucker : Jonnie is flailing and James grabs his arm, and starts biting his fingers! Come on ref! What is going on!!

Andrew Fulton : That’s what you cop.

Jeremy Tucker : You cop? For what? What did Jonnie do to him to deserve THAT!

Andrew Fulton : For starters, punish us with that stupid new music he has from Teen Witch!

Jeremy Tucker : Don’t you dare go there! That’s a classic!

Andrew Fulton : Fierce locks on a bear hug, and Valentine is grasping for air, Fierce squeezing hard and Jonnie is starting to fade.

Jeremy Tucker : Referee Mackey is holding up the arm of Jonnie, and it drops, he does so a second time and it drops again.

Andrew Fulton : One more and its over!

Jeremy Tucker : NO! Jonnie holds his arm in the air, and he is pointing his finger in defiance! The English crowd popping hard for him!

Andrew Fulton : What a show boat!

Jeremy Tucker : Jonnie then raises his other arm and then clonks them together on Fierce’s head. Forcing him to break the hold.

Andrew Fulton : Jonnie with a chokelift into a tiger bomb! That’s a DQ!

Jeremy Tucker : DQ? Are you mad? What for?

Andrew Fulton : He was choking him Jerry.

Jeremy Tucker : (ignoring him) Slingshot suplex into a back breaker! Torture rack helicoptered into rude awakening!! Jonnie goes for the cover, this is IT!

One …………………..

Two ………………….

THR … Fierce rolls the shoulder.

Andrew Fulton : YES! Jonnie gets to his feet questioning the count if it was a three, and Fierce rolls him up in a school boy!!!!

Jeremy Tucker : One ………………..

TWO …………………….

THREE!!!!

Andrew Fulton : HE GOT HIM! JONNIES WEAKNESS IS AND ALWAYS HAS BEEN THE ROLL UP!

Jeremy Tucker : NO!!! It was only two! Fierce can’t believe it!

Andrew Fulton : I can’t believe it!

Jeremy Tucker : Wowee! Fierce glares at referee Mackey.

Andrew Fulton : Boston crab locked on by Fierce.

Jeremy Tucker : Jonnie struggles and then crawls to the ropes and gets a finger on them forcing the break.

Andrew Fulton : Fierce is this close! Keep going James!

Jeremy Tucker : Fierce whips Jonnie into the ropes and Jonnie bounces off and ducks under a clothesline from Jonnie and Jonnie then bounces the ropes again … HART ATTACK CLOTHESLINE! Jonnie was so quick there!

Andrew Fulton : This guy. (stubbs out his half smoked cigarette in frustration)

Jeremy Tucker : Jonnie right on Fierce … Irish whip into corner chest first, James stumbles out into a half nelson release suplex!!!

Andrew Fulton : Fierce no sells it and comes back with a DDT! Yes! He is the toughest Hillbilly on the planet!

Jeremy Tucker : He may well be, but Jonnie is no Hillbilly and thus tougher.

Andrew Fulton : Not being a hillbilly doesn’t make you tougher.

Jeremy Tucker : No, you know what I meant!

Andrew Fulton : Piledriver from Fierce! What a manoeuvre!

Jeremy Tucker : James with the cover … hooks the leg

One ………………..

Two ………………….

THR … Jonnie rolls the shoulder.

Andrew Fulton : Fierce going for another bear hug …

Jeremy Tucker : NO! Double arm belly to belly overhead suplex! Planted him! James getting to his feet! PICTURE PERFECT DROPKICK! Cover by Jonnie!

One …………….

Two ………………….

THREE!!!!!! He got him! Huge win to Jonnie!

Frank Salazar : WINNER OF THE MATCH … THE DELIGHTFUL JONNIE VALENTINE!!!

"Top That" From The Teen Witch Soundtrack hits and Jonnie celebrates in the ring. Clapping to the crowd and motioning it was them that got him home. Fierce looks on, half filled with the sorrow of defeat and half grudging respect for the Delightful One.