Correction, Timeless is Stupid

[Mongo the Destroyer]

Dewitt: BREAKING NEWS!

*We open on XHF Global Interviewer, Angela DeWitt standing in a nondescript dank location (maybe the local boiler room or some other industrial area- but with absolutely questionable lighting). With her is Lord Dominicus, the DARKEST ENTITY IN NPW.

DeWitt: Ladies and gentlemen of the XHF Universe, I Angela DeWitt am here with Lord Dominicus who has some SHOCKING news to reveal to the world. Now Dominicus, you didn’t tell me what it actually was when you called for me to come, could you fill me in?

LD: Absolutely, Angela. WRESTLING IS FAKE!

*As he announces this he gestures grandly toward the heavens, as if shouting it from the rooftops. DeWitt seems less impressed.*

DeWitt: That's the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard

*The dark lord nods.*

LD: I agree, but apparently Timeless has pulled the curtain back, and has exposed the grand sport of wrestling to be completely scripted by “bookers” and that the athletes involved are just “actors” in this violent play.

*He has been gesturing wildly but now slowly brings his hand down to grip around his chin.*

LD: Or, maybe, because Timeless’ losing streak is growing exponentially he's trying to create an elaborate conspiracy theory that requires wrestling to be faked in order to…protect his HILARIOUSLY FRAGILE ego. I mean, everything the dirt sheets is true, right? In fact….

*With a swoop of his cape, Dominicus rests a fist on his waist and points.*

LD: Did you know who the dirt sheets say I am under this mask?

DeWitt: N-

LD: ROB DIAMOND! Of all the insults!

*He looks at the camera*

LD: To set the record straight: Rob Diamond is the ORIGINAL Lord Dominicus, I’m the REAL Lord Dominicus because it turned out I was better at Dominicing better than him! But no, the dirt sheets are ALWAYS RIGHT, RIGHT?

DeWitt: I’m pretty sure you just tried to say they weren’t

*Dominicus grabs the interviewer’s microphone and looks her in the eyes*

LD: OF COURSE, IT ALL MAKES SENSE NOW! Timeless isn’t losing, he’s being booked to lose. OH WOW, HOW DID NOBODY FIGURE THAT OUT?! You thought he was losing his edge but as it turns out, HE NEVER HAD IT! HE WAS PLAY-ACTING COMBAT!

*Angela takes the mic back and gives LD a rather odd look.*

DeWitt: Is….is this all satire?

LD: Yes, of course it is. Please keep up “breaking news girl”

DeWitt: Angela DeWitt

LD: Yeah yeah, whatever. I know your name, I’m just making a point. You see, I’m keeping your name out of my mouth just like TIMELESS SHOULD KEEP MINE FROM HIS. I didn’t come here to the great white north to play-act with models. I came to wrestle, and more than that, I came TO DOMINI-DOMINATE

DeWitt: That’s a terrible “Domini-Pun”

*He is unaffected by this*

LD: Timeless is small beans- or was it he has small beans?- compared to my LOFTY MECHANATIONS. If he wants to play with guys who tell him that he gets to win or lose he should go to Hollywood, not the company owned by an old-school trainer. BUT ANGELA!

*Dominicus grabs the interviewer by her shoulders.*

LD: What if this conspiracy runs deeper than wrestling!? What if all other sports are fake- except for croquet, that’s probably legitimate. That would mean that Timeless’ DEFINING MOMENTS IN LIFE he brings up all the time about his big sports wins….maybe they were just scripted. That would mean him MANIPULATING TIME to verbally masturbate over them is a little silly considering it was all an act, right?

DeWitt: Yeah….I suppose

LD: It probably sucks for Timeless to let the cat out of the bag then that his years on top of SWAT were just staged by the booker- I wonder who "books" those shows?

*There’s a pause as if Lord Dominicus is trying to make a statement. But without talking, just standing still in the thinking pose. Finally he relaxes his muscles and goes back to talking.*

LD: But yeah, there you have it: wrestling is fake, Timeless is a fraud and all his achievements are meaningless because he'd rather throw all that away than admit he made a logical move when in a submission hold because the person was a woman. Oh and it's definitely somebody else's fault because all of that makes sense. I mean, people say I’m nonsensical but Timeless puts that to shame. He’s PRACTICALLY A POPPYCOCK PARROT repeating tired lines from an owner who was clearly in the throws of dementia. “BUT NO I DIDN’T LOSE TO BOOBS, I AM A REAL MAN WHO PRETENDS TO BE TOUGH BUT ACTUALLY HAS TO LOBBY AND WHINE TO WIN MATCHES! IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH MY REAL ABILITY!” Most logical man of all time, why are there not monuments to his genius? I even gave him an out and the benefit of the doubt that maybe MAYBE it was all some sort of REDONKULOUS IDIOCY being spewed by VERY WRONG fans. But nope, Timeless confirms it: Wrestling is fake and so are all of Timeless’ achievements

*Angela blinks, but like that “ugh” blink some people can pull off.*

DeWitt: Wrestling is real and you’ve wasted my time.

*Dominicus throws up his arms.*

LD: FINALLY YOU GET IT! That’s how I felt watching Timeless’ IGNORANTLY BRAINLESS promo with one of his FOOLISH FANS encouraging his brand of toxic masculinity. I think I lost brain cells from it! Does he think he’s cool and edgy? Sorry you HALF-BAKED HALF-WIT, I have that market cornered!

*Angela shakes her head and starts to stomp off-camera. Dominicus calls after her*

LD: WAIT! I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU MY DOMINI-PLANS ON NPW DOMINATION YET! …She’s gone.

*He turns to the camera.*

LD: Well at least you’re still here. You see, I have BIG PLANS for this WRETCHED LITTLE COM-

*The camera cuts fades out*