..::THE XHF NETWORK PRESENTS: END OF DAYS 2020::..
Oct 25, 2020 23:21:36 GMT -5
Mongo the Destroyer, Kira Izumi, and 4 more like this
Post by Dave D-Flipz on Oct 25, 2020 23:21:36 GMT -5
The XHF Network Proudly Presents: End of Days 2020
Date: October 25th, 2020
Gereja Ayam, Java, Indonesia
Capacity: Uh ... Good Question?
Attendance: 250 (Masks required)
"Historia Calamitatum" by Rise Against blasts through the speakers of the Gereja Ayam as the camera does an aerial zoom around the Church from the outside and then zooms inside. Some glowing and flashing LEDs have been placed around the "arena" for the show as we zoom in to the commentary desk and see Joey Hawke and Jerry Lawler sitting there. They give a nod as the screen fades and behind the music we are treated to a montage of the matches leading into this event. From the rise of PE through the brackets of the Annihilator to the battle set up as Dakota and Pepe Morales rise through the End of Days tournament. We end on a montage of the six competitors for the main event ending on a close up of Dylan Black's face. As the screen goes black his eyes glow red as if a possessed machine. We cut back to the announcer's table.
Hawke: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! We here at the XHF Network would like to welcome you to the final global event of the year, the spookiest, scariest, craziest set of shows on XHF. END OF DAYS!
King: And because it's 2020 it might actually BE the End of Days Joey!
Hawke: That's ... uh ... right King. My name is Joey Hawke and with me as always is Jerry "The King" Lawler.
King: And we're all up inside a cock. A big ol' cock. Not sure I'm enjoying this one Hawke.
Hawke: Well ... King it's a chicken shaped building, maybe a former Church? I've seen artwork in the halls. Either way the 250 lucky lottery winners who are here to see the show are going wild and we have a huge night here in Indonesia.
King: I suppose it's nicer than the cockfighting ring. Blame Mongo all you want, we know that was Ziko's doing.
Hawke: Jerry please. Tonight we have every XHF branded belt on the line. The tag team titles are being put up by Dodo-a-Gogo against Caffrey and Radu Matei, a challenge of a lifetime to be sure. The Junior Heavyweight title is being presented by Rebel Rock Wrestling in a match where to use a weapon you have to drink the fluid within it and keep it down. Randy Angel snuck his way into the match through nepotism I think.
King: Yes but Jimmy Vanguard is a man after my own heart and Adam Marston has held the belt for 8 months running. He is the longest reigning champ in the XHF today! We also have the XHF Women's title on the line and I am excited Joey. The first lady Mrs. Kanyon up against Hyperion's old biddy Bodhi!
Hawke: Then AWF gives us the Phoenix title between Rob Garcia and Roger Riggs in what's sure to be a crazy match.
King: And of course we have the loser's 4 way from the tag team annihilator, the third place match AND finals for the End of Days tourney and the X*Crown being defended in a steel cage within a glass cell by Dylan Don't Call Him Viper Black against Eddie D, Dev, Evil-Borg, the REAL Lord Dominicus, and a returning Hyperion himself. Oh I can't wait Joey!
The show cuts to the backstage area where the sound of a piano softly playing. As the camera pans out, the pianist playing the chords of B, G#m, F#, and E is revealed to be someone who isn’t scheduled to compete in a match tonight. In fact, this person isn’t signed to any of the companies in the Network.
Adrien Cochrane: They say that the road ain’t no place to start a family… right down the line it’s been you and me…
The Dropkick King smiles as behind him, in the distance, he can hear a door open and close. Despite all of that, he doesn’t miss a beat playing the chorus to the Journey song.
Adrien Cochrane: And loving a music man ain’t always what it’s supposed to be… oh girl you stand… by me…
He glances behind him to see a face he’s only met in person once before, but is instantly recognizable to the XHF faithful. A perfectly tailored pinstriped Armani suit, incredibly fancy black shoes. Sunglasses on, perfectly trimmed goatee and moustache … and a signature bowler hat on his head. He walks with a slight limp on his left ankle and wears the world title of his former home fed, now on hiatus, around his waist.
Adrien Cochrane: I’m forever yours… faithfully…
Death Trap: *he sings in, he’s actually pretty ok.* Circus life under the big top world. We all need the clowns to make us smile. *he stops singing* I’m sure there’s a wittier person than I who could jest about the journey being more important than the destination. But for the life of me I haven’t met one. Then again, how many times I’ve played the damn clown. How’d you find this instrument in this worn down old bird?
He means this literally as they are inside of the “chicken church”. Adrien smiles as he removes his fingers from the keys. He’s not quite as sharply dressed as the former X*Crown Champion, wearing a black leather jacket that barely conceals a “We #Believe in Eddie” t-shirt and a pair of jeans. But not one to shy away from headwear, he has a black trilby hat on the top of his head.
Adrien Cochrane: To answer your question, where there’s a church, there’s a piano somewhere. It’s all a matter of finding it. And I’ve never been one to let a piano go unplayed, that’s for sure. And I think you sell yourself short on the jesting ability. Good job on the second verse though, Death Trap.
Cochrane gives a slight nod before noticing the MCCW World Title around DT’s waist.
Adrien Cochrane: Oh man… I forgot my belt at home.
Death Trap: Well the tag partner wouldn’t let me out of the States again if I didn’t have something to keep my pants up after exposing myself in front of the world … uh so to speak … *he scratches the back of his head* … against Caffrey last week. But then for all the jabs people will throw at me this thing means too much for me to leave it behind. You don’t strike me as the “collector” type. Ya know, let the actions speak louder. Me I’m as much mouth as I am anything. What brings you out to this fowl old place anyway? Figured you’d be with your friend. He holding up ok?
Cochrane chuckles at the collector comment, knowing he has his old NGW World Title sitting on his fireplace mantel in his home just outside New Orleans.
Adrien Cochrane: He’s changing into his ring gear. He’s doing a lot better than I’d expect him to be doing after what happened last week. The kid is a lot tougher than people give him credit for. The things I’ve seen him overcome before he ever stepped foot into a wrestling right… if there’s anyone I can count on to get back up after being knocked down like that, it’s Adam Sanders.
A prideful grin beams across the Dropkick King’s face.
Adrien Cochrane: But as you could have probably pieced together, I’m here in support of him. We are currently down our loyal manager so I’m here to somewhat fill those shoes a bit.
DT nods in understanding, taking note of the shirt under the jacket Adrien is currently wearing.
Death Trap: I can tell you from experience that he must be tough to come back after the tactics that weasel Sainovic uses. Pepe or not, I know the bastard when I see him. Ya know he ruined Legos for me? TWO matches I had with that guy in it and twice he nearly killed me with a child’s play thing. Also … some uh … literal explosives …
DT shakes his head to get the memories back into recession where they belong.
Death Trap: So yeah pretty impressive to see him take it on the chin … or chest as the case may be … from that Eastern European asshole and keep coming back against someone like Swann. I can see how you’d be proud, also why you’d wanna be here. What with the beheadings …
DT looks up in thought
Death Trap: I … I think Mongo may have gone too far …
Adrien Cochrane: I told myself I would stay backstage and have no bearing on the match. I even promised Adam that. But… if I think he’s in danger of being beheaded, I will not be afraid to sprint into that ring to protect my student. I think I demonstrated that I will take a bullet for him at Fired Up.
Death Trap: A well placed back body drop out a window should do ...
Cochrane rolls his eyes before shaking his head, a small smile on his face.
Adrien Cochrane: Regardless of the specific technique…
Adrien gives a quick wink.
Adrien Cochrane: I’m hoping it doesn’t come to that. I know how dangerous King Brad Swann can be, even as someone who has only been to one show here on the Network. I heard the stories and saw the footage. But he is a man, is he not?
DT actually seems to think on this one.
Death Trap: I … hope so. Brad Swann is a tricky one to peg. And if we can believe there is a literal vampire, some sort of mutant alien, some sort of mutant muscle monster, and a shapeshifter … in AWF alone … who knows. Maybe Brad really is the monster he wanted us to think he was at Call to Arms. Then again, after being in the ring with Hyperion … sometimes I wonder if a “man” isn’t more dangerous than one of those nice predictable monsters.
DT leans on the piano.
Death Trap: Still it’s pretty cool to see you here. Supporting your protégé when he needs it. I managed to blow my partner’s shot at gold for now. Spiders man … But as someone also trying to pass on his knowledge and experience, it shows you have his success at heart. And that’s the key thing. Swann or Sainovic be damned. And with any luck they will be.
Adrien Cochrane: Adam Sanders is my legacy. One day, I’m going to have to hang up my wrestling boots. Hopefully not anytime soon…
The thirty-four-year-old chuckles softly.
Adrien Cochrane: His success is important to me. I want to see him with gold whenever possible. I’d love to be there the day he holds the X*Crown for the first time. But regardless of what Swann is, he can be beaten in a wrestling match. He is not invincible. That was proven in that cage match he had against… what was her name again…
Adam Sanders: Dakota Jennings. Her name is Dakota Jennings and she’s facing Sainovic next. Or “Pepe”.
Adam Sanders gives a wince as he says his previous opponent’s name. The sarcasm on the fake first name was obvious, even for the soft-spoken twenty-six-year-old. He’s now changed into his ring gear with the red ring tights not making the redness on his upper body as noticeable. Though, thankfully, it has faded a lot since his video from Tuesday.
Death Trap: Adam.
DT tips his hat to the young man.
Death Trap: Good to see you up and about. Don’t humor dear old dad. He deserves to be buried in that exploding coffin. How fitting if he should lose, to go out in a match I invented back in my … um … wilder … more 90’s days. Maybe I can find a way to drop molten flaming plastic on his ass after it explodes …
DT snaps out of his reverie. His ire for Zoran still showing after all this time.
Death Trap: You know you can beat Swann. He’s out to punish himself. You just gotta … help him along.
Adam Sanders: Yeah. Though, I am aware of the high likelihood that he uses this no disqualifications stipulation to use that sword of his. I’d like to not get stabbed two straight weeks. Or worse…
Adrien Cochrane: Well, at least you know it’s coming. You told me you had an idea on how to handle that. Or at least you said that to your fiancée in my presence.
Adam Sanders: As for Zoran, I know Dakota said this wasn’t about getting revenge for me, I am definitely hoping to see her lock him in that casket just as much as you, DT. But it sounds like the “Angry at Zoran” club is a long line I just got in the back of…
Death Trap: Well with any luck Dakota doesn’t have to join that line tonight. The good die young, but assholes live forever it seems.
DT shakes his head. But then he pushes off the piano and looks back down at it.
Death Trap: Journey is cool and all but do you know any Dream Theater? I swear it’s not just cuz our initials are the same …
Adrien gives a smirk before playing the opening progression of Pull Me Under: Em C D Em.
Adrien Cochrane: You want to take lead vocals while I play the piano. And that one starts his stretching to make sure he’s prepared to fight.
Cochrane gives Adam a glance that the suggestion was perhaps a bit stronger than a suggestion, all while keeping his fingers on the keys.
Adam Sanders: Yeah, I’ll start getting ready.
Adrien Cochrane: All the love for you, bud. You got this. DT, I’m tired of playing this intro on loop. Give me that first verse!!
DT begins to use his belt and the nearby wall and column as makeshift drums and cymbals to add to the beat.
Death Trap: Lost in the sky … clouds roll by and I roll with them. Arrows fly. Seas increase and then fall again …
The two men continue to jam out as Adam begins his routine and we fade back to the arena floor where the introductions for the Tag Team Annhilator fearsome fourway are about to begin.
Bonnie Jenkins: The following is a fearsome four-way elimination match! The last team standing will be declared the winners! Entering first, at a combined weight of 390 pounds, from Jacksonville, Florida ... Adam and Jake ... THE MARSTON BROTHERS!
The opening beats to “Panther Like A Panther (Miracle Mix)” by Run The Jewels begins to play through the arena as the fans cheer wildly for the sight of Jake and Adam Marston who wave out to the crowd as more cheers rain down on them. Jake and Adam make their way down to the ring as they hit the hands of every fan on their way to the ringside area. They both make their way into the ring before climbing onto the opposite turnbuckles for the fans to cheer and to flex.
Bonnie Jenkins: Entering second, at a combined weight of 429 pounds, "The Author" Travis Monroe, Johnny Sniper ... THE SAGA!
"Who We Are" by Red hits the speakers. Four Spotlights appear on stage each with a letter spelling out S.A.G.A. The lights cut off again, only this time with only to letters lit, S and G. Monroe stands in the S, Sniper in the G. The two men then walk to the middle of the stage, fist bump, then nonchalantly walk to the ring.
Bonnie Jenkins: Entering next, hailing from Japan, at a combined weight of 425 pounds, Kira Izumi and Carnivore ... MASTERS OF THE MAT!
"Figure.09" blares over the PA system as Carnivore and Kira come down the entrance ramp. Carnivore only even acknowledges fans who are wearing Carnivore mask or shirts. Kira ignores everyone. They roll into the ring and stare down their opponents. And their opponents stare at Carnivore's smiley face helmet head.
Bonnie Jenkins: And their opponents, hailing from ... um .. The Shadow Realm? ... AWF ... at a combined weight of 408 pounds, The CFO of AWF Terry Bradshaw and Copycat ... TERRY CLUB!
"Supermassive Black Hole" by Muse begins to blare over the speakers throughout the arena, and the crowd reacts with dead silence. After a beat, out onto the stage comes Terry Bradshaw, dressed in a black suit and, for some reason, wearing a top hat. Copycat slowly edges out onto the stage behind him careful not to upset Terry. Terry does a Michael Jackson-like spin on the stage, and then proceeds to moonwalk backwards down the entrance ramp. Copycat slowly follows. Only a few paces in, Terry stumbles and falls backwards. Angrily, he gets up to his feet, points to Copycat, and yells "SHOW SOME RESPECT". He then turns back towards the ring, trying to high five fans who mostly ignore him, and smiles as he tap dances the rest of the way down the ramp. Copycat follows and rolls into the ring and hides in the corner. Terry climbs into the ring, takes off his top hat, and throws it into the crowd. Nobody wants it though, and so a fan spits in the hat, then throws it back into the ring. Terry picks up the hat, looking disappointed, then puts it on Copycat's head as his music fades.
Hawke: Well this should be interesting if nothing else King. Look for Copycat to get messed up early and often and probably mostly by Bradshaw ...
King: All 4 of these teams showed promise in the first round of the Annihilator so ... I guess anything's possible.
TAG TEAM ANNIHILATOR FEARSOME FOURWAY MATCH
Elimination Match
Masters of the Mat vs. The Saga (Sniper/Monroe) vs. Terry Club vs. Marston Bros.
Every one of the teams have been put together and ready to move forward. The teams have been assembled with legal competitors within the ring. On each corner of the ring, we have... From Team Masters of the Mat, Carnivore. From Team Saga, Travis Monroe. From Team Marston Brothers, Adam Marston. And from Team Terry Club, Terry Bradshaw! Bonnie Jenkins nods as she clears her throat with a microphone brought up toward her lips.
Hawke: I'm ready for this match to get started!
King:Did you ever noticed that Bonnie Jenkins look a little bit like Angela DeW-
Hawke: STOP TALKING! The show just started, and I already want to back hand you.
Bonnie Jenkins: Ladies and gentlemen, we are ready to start our Tag Team Annihilator Fearsome Fourway Match! Before we begin, I should go over the rules. This match is not tornado-style. Only one member of each tag team can be in the ring at any given time. It is only necessary for one member to be eliminated for the entire team to be eliminated. This means that when your partner is eliminated, so are you. Now I have to ask you, fans. Are you ready?
The crowd cheers.
Bonnie Jenkins: I asked - ARE YOU READY!?
The crowd cheers even louder.
Bonnie Jenkins: Ring that bell!
The bell rings and the action commences. The match begins with everyone finding an opponent to really focus their attention. Adam Marston ganged up on Carnivore from Masters of the Mat, and Terry Bradshaw set his sights on Travis Monroe from Saga. Everyone shoots in for a lockup. Marston gets Carnivore in a wristlock. Terry Bradshaw throws Monroe's arm to the side and goes for a straight up THROAT PUNCH, but Monroe grabs the tricep and wrist, and immediately locks in a kimura lock. Terry Bradshaw begins to growl as Monroe takes him down to the floor. Meanwhile, Carnivore reverses the wristlock into a hammerlock. Carnivore then lets go as he transitions to the waist. German Suplex! Both Terry Bradshaw and Adam Marston hit the floor!
Hawke: What a huge beginning! So much can happen from here!
King:Anyone can win this match. I mean, not Copycat, but we have some very qualified people here too.
Hawke: Kira's a former champion, Sniper's a former champion.
King:Didn't Copycat once win the Eggciting Eggplant Championship?
Hawke: We don't talk about that here.
As Adam Marston hits the mat, Carnivore goes for the pin count. Terry Bradshaw sees this, PUNCHES Travis Monroe and slips his arm out. The referee slides in for the pin:
...One!
...Kickout!
...Terry Bradshaw breaks up the pin count! ...a full two seconds after Marston already kicks out.
King:Does Terry know that this is an elimination match?
Hawke: Why are we acting like Terry is a rational human being? ...or a human being for that matter?
Carnivore brings Adam Marston to his feet and throws him up against the ropes. As Marston approaches the ropes, his tag team partner, Jake, reaches over and slaps his shoulder. Tag! Carnivore doesn't notice this. He's too busy with his clothesline of Adam! Boom! Adam goes down! Carnivore has a smile on his face... until Jake Marston comes flying off the top rope. Carnivore doesn't see it until it's too late to respond. Missile Leg Lariat! Carnivore goes down!
King:This is why you keep your eyes on the prize!
Hawke: This match really comes down to paying attention. There are eight competitors in this match. Anything can happen!
While this all happened, Terry Bradshaw was on the ground. But Travis is hot on his tail, almost literally. He grabbed Terry by the leg, picks him up and SLAMS him to the ground! ...He does it again! And then a third time! After this, Monroe grabs Bradshaw and throws him to his corner, where he tags in his partner, Johnny Sniper! While Monroe is still at the corner, Travis Monroe picks him up. They're about to do it. They're about to go for the Electric Chair Facebuster/Cutter combo - Legends of the Fall! ...But it failed! Travis Monroe had difficulty lifting up the massive and gargantuan weight of Terry Bradshaw and had to put him down to risk a back injury! Sniper sighs and instead leaves a boot to the fleshy back of Terry Bradshaw!
Hawke: That... was embarrassing.
King:I mean, if it works, it works I suppose...
Terry Bradshaw rolls over in pain. He tries to get up, but Johnny Sniper is hot on his trail. He goes to follow up with another kick. He pulls his foot back. Jake Marston throws Carnivore for an Irish Whip and Carnivores FLIES into Marston! Terry Bradshaw takes advantage of the moment to retreat to his corner. Copycat shakes his head, but Bradshaw slaps Copycat across the face, which is considered a tag! The referee forces Copycat in the ring. Johnny Sniper climbs himself out from underneath Carnivore. Jake Marston approaches, and Sniper waves him off. He can have Carnivore for all he cares. Carnivore looks done. Jake Marston takes the moment to go to the top rope. He's going to go for it! Spiral Tap! The Fight Of the Marstons as Jake would call it! BOOM!
King:THAT LOOKS PAINFUL!
Hawke: I can't... Believe it.
Midway through, Johnny Sniper changes his mind. Killshot! Johnny Sniper hit Jake Marston in mid air with his patented superkick! He hits the ground and Jake Marston hits the ground! Travis Monroe looks exactly what's going to happen. He rushes into the ring and goes after Adam. Johnny Sniper sees this and goes for the pin count. Meanwhile, Terry Bradshaw is shouting at Copycat from the ring apron. "Break up that pin!" Copycat doesn't do it because he knows the rules and that he shouldn't get in the middle of superior wrestlers. The referee slides in for the pin count:
...One!
...Two!
...THREE!
Bonnie Jenkins: Ladies and gentlemen - The Marston Brothers have been eliminated!
King:Johnny Sniper played Jake Marston! He played him like a fiddle!
Hawke: And by the rules of this match, his brother Adam is also eliminated. This leaves three teams left remaining. The Saga, Terry Club and Masters of the Mat!
Johnny Sniper gets up and looks at Carnivore, who is completely and utterly exhausted. In fact, he only has one legal opponent who is left standing. Copycat. He looks at him and mouths, "You want some?" The injured Copycat with a bandaged up hand shakes his head and pleads for mercy. Sniper takes a step forward. He begins to close the distance between the two. Copycat is begging to not be on the receiving end of some pain. Sniper straight up tells him to throw in the towel and quit the match. Copycat points to Terry Bradshaw, who shakes his head while showing a rare moment where he is without a smile. This is, of course, suggesting something would happen to him if Copycat were to simply give up. Sniper cocks an eyebrow, completely astonished. And all while this happens, Carnivore has finally gotten some time to recover. He surprises Johnny Sniper with an electric chair drop! Carnivore gets up by mere force of adrenaline and tags in his partner, Kira Izumi, who just JUMPS over the ropes and into the ring!
King:Big move from Carnivore! And now Johnny Sniper will square off against Kira Izumi once more like they had back in the AWF!
Hawke: Ah yes, the AWF. A reminder that even Mongo can make mistakes.
Kira Izumi rushes in and Travis Monroe decides he's not going to just stand back. He rushes in. He goes for Kira with a clothesline, but the talented Kira jumps up, grabs the arms from the behind while wrapping the his legs. He stops Monroe with a crucifix takedown! The referee rushes in to stop the invasion of non-legal wrestlers (Monroe), but Kira is already on it with him kicking him out of the ring. Before he can turn around, he stumbles forward. It's Johnny Sniper! He's on the offensive and ensures he's laying on the pressure. But for someone who deals with weapons and regular household objects that regularly becomes weaponized to him, Kira is no stranger to pressure. He takes bang after bang until he's able to coordinate a rhythm. So when the next strike happens, Kira just DROPS his body, catches Sniper's arm and slaps on an elbow-lock. The crowd gasps. The noise increases. They're going nuts!
Hawke: What the hell just happened?
King:You know, Kira has had a short stint in MMA. Just because he doesn't do the submission wrestling too often doesn't mean he can't.
Johnny Sniper's immediately in great pain. He's not terribly. He can't find a way out. HE TAPS!
...Or at least, he would have if Terry Bradshaw hasn't interfered with a superkick! And by superkick, I mean he trips prior to arrival and his gut just SMACKS Kira Izumi across the face, causing massive damage.
Hawke: For goodness sa-BRADSHAW. THIS IS NOT A FREAKING ONE FALL MATCH! STOPPING PINS AND SUBMISSIONS DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN'T WIN!
The referee gets in immediately tells Terry Bradshaw he needs to leave and that failure will result in disqualification. Terry Bradshaw reluctantly agrees, but like everything else, misunderstands the directions. Instead of simply leaving the ring, he actually... walks up the entrance ramp and out to the back!
King:Wait, Terry! You didn't have to leave. Come ba-
Hawke: Shut the hell up, King! We've been trying to get rid of him for YEARS now.
From the damage of Terry Bradshaw's gut, Kira hits the floor and stays down for a while. This leaves Johnny Sniper as the only one on his feet. Well, except for Copycat. Johnny Sniper is done playing. He goes up to Copycat. He pushes him down to the floor. He tells Copycat bluntly, "Last chance. Give up." Copycat goes to verbally give up, but then Bonnie Jenkins rushes into the ring. She hands Sniper a cell phone.
Hawke: Bringing a cell phone into the ring? ...What is this!?
King:I feel like she wouldn't do this unless she had a good reason.
Through the magic of technology, the audio of the phone plays throughout the PA systems. It's Terry Bradshaw's voice.
"Hey, Jimmy. I'm here with your girlfriend, Gwen Stefani. You might want to give up unless you want something to happen to your pretty little girl."
King:Holy shit... DID TERRY BRADSHAW KIDNAP SNIPER'S GIRL?
Hawke: Well all I can is if he did... Well, two felonies will be committed tonight.
Immediately, Johnny Sniper's face goes red. He begins screaming obscenities at the top of his lungs, but the call cuts out. His partner, Travis Monroe, knows what's going to happen. He tries to tell him it's a mind game. He doesn't listen. Sniper rushes out of the ring and sprints backstage. The referee says to Monroe that he's going to be doing the count out count. Monroe volunteers to take his place but the referee says the valid tagout has not happened. Monroe is steaming mad, and the count begins.
...One!
...Two!
...Three!
...Four!
...Five!
...Six!
...Seven!
...Eight!
...Nine!
...Wait!
The giant Xtreme Tron illuminates and finds Sniper bursting to the room where he finds Terry Bradshaw and ...actually Gwen Stefani, tied up. Bradshaw has a knife to her throat. Sniper sees that Terry actually abducted Gwen Stefani and not Sniper's significant other, who Sniper thought was taken, who happened to share the same first match. Sniper screams "FUCK!" as loudly as he possibly could and leaves, slamming the door behind him.
...Ten!
Bonnie Jenkins: Based on a count out, The Saga has been eliminated
King:What... The hell was that?
Hawke: The reason we don't want Terry Bradshaw anywhere near the ring.
As the attention moves back to the ring, Kira Izumi is on top of Copycat in the mount position, punching him in the face, while Copycat cries, begs Kira to stop, screams that he is giving up and tapping out as much as possible. The referee just notices that this was happening as he was so caught up in the whole Bradshaw shenanigans going on. The bell rings.
Bonnie Jenkins: Ladies and gentlemen - this match has come to its inevitable conclusion. Kira has beaten Copycat by submission, surrender and since Copycat's shoulders were against the mat, pinfall too I guess... The winners of this match, the team of Carnivore and Kira Izumi, MASTERS OF THE MAT!
King:What an anticlimactic ending...
Hawke: ...It's Copycat. Just be glad he's still alive.
King:With that said, Kira Izumi is a fantastic wrestler. Congratulations to this team for their victories, and most of the other competitors for their amazing performances. Don't go away because there's more amazing wrestling right after this!
The camera cuts over to Bonnie Jenkins, already in the ring.
Bonnie Jenkins: Ladies and gentlemen, the following contest is the End of Days Third Place Match! It is scheduled for one fall, there are no disqualifications, and the winner will receive a secondary title shot in their company!
Bonnie Jenkins: Introducing first, from Grand Rapids, Michigan, weighing in at 240 pounds, he is the “Awkward One”, Adam Sanders!
The drum fill followed by the opening guitar riff for the title track off the fourth studio album by Canadian punk band Sum 41 begins to blare on the Ascension PA system. The fans begin to cheer as the lights go dark and a single spotlight appears on the ramp.
One, two, three, four
The rest of the band joins the guitar as Adam Sanders emerges behind the curtain. The fans give the Awkward One loud cheers as the spotlight follows his trek towards the ring.
Well, I won’t be caught living in a dead end job
While praying to my government guns and gods
Now it’s us against them, we’re here to represent
And spit right in the face of the establishment!
Sanders walks up the stairs, walks down the apron a bit and puts both arms in the air. The fans continue to give loud cheers for the AWF competitor as he steps between the top and middle rope to enter the ring. He steps on the opposite turnbuckle, the chorus of the song becomes the backdrop for him to hop back into the ring.
Hawke: Sanders has had a hell of an End of Days tournament, including but not limited to getting stabbed and set on fire last week. You have to wonder if he’s going to be 100% entering this match.
King: You don’t have to wonder, Joey. If he says he’s 100%, he’s lying. He’s looking to capture his first championship in the XHF by winning this and then capturing the AWF United States Championship from Bloodied Fox.
Hawke: Much easier said than done though.
Well because we're doing fine, and we don't need to be told
That we're doing fine, 'cause we won't give you control.
And we don't need anything from you,
'Cause we'll be just fine, and we won't be bought and sold, just like you
Bonnie Jenkins: And his opponent, from London, England, weighing in at 225 pounds, please kneel before your King, he is BRAAAAAD SWAAAAAAAANNN!
'Bohemian Rhapsody' hits the PA as the fans loudly boo in terror. The lights dim black with a spotlight shining lonesomely on the ramp. The venue shakes. Out from the back through clouds of smoke and white strobes arrives King Brad Swann, a white crown upon his head and the FWA World Championship around his waist. The demonic psychopath slowly strolls down the ramp, hunched over like a gremlin... the single spotlight following his every move as he carries a sword down to the ring. He doesn't look around at the fans, keeping his distance. When he reaches the ringside area he makes a few slow laps of the ring, still just only the spotlight following him.
He eventually sets the sword down, walks up the ring steps, and enters through the middle rope. The hardcam zooms into his face under the spotlight, the crown shining atop his demonic guise - it slowly pans down to his championship before zooming out. Slowly he raises his arms out, palms stretched, garnering a loud reception from the live crowd that despise his very persona.
Hawke: XHF’s One True King--
King: Hey!
Hawke: Brad Swann looks extra angry tonight after the huge upset from Dakota Jennings last week. As FWA’s World Champion, you’d have to imagine he doesn’t care much to be going after FWA’s Canadian Championship.
King: That’s not disparaging the championship, but Brad Swann has shown over his career that he only cares about himself and world championship gold. It’s hard to tell what company he even belongs to at times.
Hawke: There’s the bell, the match is on!
END OF DAYS THIRD PLACE MATCH
No DQ match
KIng Brad Swann vs. "Awkward" Adam Sanders
Brad Swann and “Awkward” Adam Sanders slowly make their way towards the center of the ring, and it becomes clear that both men are entering this match banged up as the bell rings. The contempt filling Swann’s eyes is even more clear as he strikes with a punch square to Sanders’ jaw. Swann grabs Sanders and sends him bouncing off the ropes, and on the return back he follows up with a simple dropkick. Swann wastes no time in making his opponent suffer by quickly grabbing Sander’s fist while he’s laying on the mat, selecting his pointer finger and beginning to bend it back as painfully as possible.
Hawke: Out of the gate, Brad Swann is already looking to snap the fingers of Adam Sanders!
King: That looks so painful!
Sanders grits his teeth and uses his feet to push off the mat, bringing himself back up to his feet while Swann keeps the hold applied, unable to quite snap the finger. Sanders pulls back on his arm and uses the momentum to knock Swann off balance before dropping low and delivering a ring-rattling spinebuster to the crowd’s approval. He shakes out his hand to try to get the blood flowing back to the target of Swann’s assault before trying to lock in the Death by Powerpoint, but Swann gets his hands on the ring ropes and pulls himself out of the ring to regroup. Sanders stays on top of him, following him outside of the ring.
Hawke: The power of Sanders on display there with that spinebuster!
King: He looks a little slow coming out of that slam, allowing Swann to escape to the outside!
Swann gets met with a swift lariat to the back of the head, and he drops to the ground like a sack of potatoes. Sanders spots the ring barricade and picks Swann back up, looking to essentially powerlift Swann into or through the barrier. Swann doesn’t let this happen that easily though, elbowing his way out of a german suplex. He grabs Sanders by the hair and whips him into the steel steps, causing Adam to make contact with his knees and fly over them, landing on the hard floor on the other side!
Hawke: A brutal whip through the steps from the King there!
King: Sanders got airtime on that irish whip, and now Swann has the advantage.
Swann is also moving a bit slower than usual as he stands over Sanders, much to the crowd’s disapproval as they shower the King with loud booing. The King pays them no mind as he slowly pulls Sanders back to his feet and moves him against the barricade. At first, the placement seems surprisingly gentle for a mad king, but it turns out that Swann is using the barricade for leverage to drive his shoulder repeatedly into Sanders’ chest. Adam drops to his knees after the third drive, coughing and trying to get air back into his system as he goes down.
Hawke: This is not looking pretty for Sanders here in the early-goings!
King: A vindictive Swann may be the worst person the already injured Sanders could have drawn tonight in this battle for third place!
Brad Swann takes a few moments to extend his arms out for the crowd and yell at them to kneel before their king. He grabs Sanders and puts him back into the ring, with his body all the way in but his head hanging out over the apron. You can see in Swann’s eyes that he deliberates whether or not to grab the sword at this juncture, but he decides against it to drive a forearm into Sander’s scalp instead. Swann quickly climbs back into the ring and hooks the leg of his larger and heavier opponent.
...ONE…
...TWO…
...Sanders kicks out!
Hawke: Sanders still has some life in him!
King: He better get that life going, or he may leave without it!
Hawke: You don’t think he would do that on End of Days, do you?
King: We’ve already seen guys get stabbed, lit on fire, and bit by sharks during these events this year!
The lack of an answer from King disturbs Hawke to his core as Swann complains to the referee that he needs to count faster. The referee does his best “I’m doing what I can” hand motion as Swann backs up into the corner, pressing against the top rope with both arms to press himself up onto the middle, and then finishing the ascension to the top itself. He looks down at Sanders and clears the path for his trajectory, finally sailing through the air with the Heavenly Headbutt, but Sanders gets an entire leg up, causing Swann to headbutt the boot!
Hawke: A literal leg up from Sanders keeps him in this match!
King: Swann leaps into a trap, but Sanders still hasn’t gotten up!
A dazed and startled Swann stumbles around on his feet for a few moments after directly jumping into Sanders’ boot, but he eventually manages to shake it off. He wipes the sweat from his brow and rubs his face where the boot connected before walking over to Sanders and bending down to pick him up. Sanders quickly grabs him, and Swann’s eyes go big as Sanders has locked him into his version of the gogoplata!
Hawke: The Lion Sleeps Tonight! Sanders led Swann into another trap and has taken the momentum right back!
King: This could end the match right here! Swann is near the center of the ring, and I don’t know if he’s going to be able to get out of the hold!
Sanders screams at Swann to tap as the King is locked in tight. You can hear the air beginning to leave Swann as his head and throat are forced against Sanders’ leg. Swann reaches out to touch the ropes, but there are no breaks in this match and he’s too far away from them anyway! He tries to get leverage, but Sanders has him properly trapped in this hold and there’s seemingly no way out! Swann reaches his hand up!
Hawke: This could be it right here! Is Swann about to tap out?
King: I can’t believe it, but Sanders is taking the air out of him rapidly! This might be it!
Swann bangs into the mat, but not to submit! He presses into the ground and forces Sanders to have both of his shoulders down!
...ONE…
...TWO…
...Sanders breaks the hold to break the count!
Hawke: Sanders has to let go of his grip or he would have been lost right there!
King: Even when you have the King trapped, he finds a way!
Hawke: But you can feel that the momentum has shifted into Adam’s favor here as he makes it back to his feet!
Adam pulls himself back up and rallies the crowd to get into the match as he grasps at his taped-up stabbing wounds. He shakes off the pain and looks for another opportunity to do damage to Swann, deciding to leave the ring and awkwardly having Bonnie Jenkins vacate her chair so he can use it against his opponent. She finally surrenders her chair and Adam climbs back into the ring with it, taking a long hard look at the gasping King laying on the mat, clearly still feeling the effects of the Lion Sleeps Tonight. Sanders gets even with Swann by lifting him for a few moments by the hair, in order to slide the chair right underneath where his head was laying. He then grabs Swann and slowly pulls him back up to his feet.
Hawke: What’s Sanders looking for here?
King: Whatever it is, if he hits it, this might be over! He choked the life out of the FWA World Champion!
Sanders hooks both of Swann’s arms behind him and drives his head down into the chair with a DDT! You can see red begin to trickle on the mat almost immediately as Swann is busted right open with the brutal impact! Sanders rolls him over and hooks both legs as the crowd roars!
Hawke: Motor City Circuit! The power of a well-executed DDT on full display there!
King: Swann’s not only out, but he’s bleeding bad from being dropped on his head like that! The cover and the count!
...ONE…
...TWO…
...THR-NO!
Brad Swann gets his shoulder up!
King: No! I thought he was out!
Hawke: Sanders got all of that DDT, but the King decided he wasn’t going back to his castle just yet!
Sanders sits in disbelief. You can see his thoughts go rushing through him as he sits on the mat for a few moments, before the prevailing thought of ‘do it again’ rings through his mind. He decides to go with just that, grabbing Brad Swann and lifting him slowly back up to his feet. He manages to hook one arm of the bleeding champion, but before he can hook the other, Swann drops to his knees and delivers a crushing low blow! Sanders goes down clutching the family jewels!
Hawke: A low blow! Seemingly out of instinct, Brad Swann keeps himself in the match this time!
King: That blood might have woken him up like a shark, Joey! Look at the anger in his eyes!
The anger in Brad Swann’s eyes is met by the force in which he grabs the chair and swings it against the spine of Sanders! The crowd boos as Swann wails away with the chair for a grand total of three hard chair shots to Sanders’ back. The king slams the chair down to the mat in disgust and then wipes the blood out of his eyes.
Hawke: Just a brutal showing from Brad Swann there!
King: Angering a mad king seems to be a bit of a tactical mistake!
Hawke: You can say that again!
King Brad Swann looks down and doesn’t go for a pin. He instead looks around the ring and spots his sword instead.
Hawke: No....
The level in which the crowd quickly transitions from booing to horrified screams---
Hawke: No! No!
---is startling to say the least as the Mad King grabs the sword. He moves it closer to the chair and sets up the chair, placing Adam Sanders’ head to rest against it and leave his neck clearly exposed.
Hawke: No! No!
Swann slowly leans the sword against the back of Sanders’ neck, preparing his swing.
Hawke: NO!
King: Look away now if you’re squeamish!
Swann swings the swords… and connects!
King: Oh my---
He connected with the steel chair! Sanders springs back up and grabs the chair, using it to not only combat Swann’s attempt at beheading him again, but then driving it into Swann’s abdomen! Swann drops to his knees and Sanders swings the chair again, driving it against Swann’s back! He does it again and again! The crowd counts along with the chair shots before Sanders finally drops the chair!
Hawke: Sanders fighting for his life in there!
King: I’ve never seen him so fired up!
Sanders grabs Brad Swann off the mat and finds the chair one more time. He lifts Swann up in a vertical suplex… and puts more than a little extra oomph on his vertical suplex piledriver, slamming Swann’s head again into the chair! The crowd cheers loudly as Sanders throws an arm over!
Hawke: This is Awkward! There’s the cover!
King: Sanders could score one of the biggest wins in his career right here!
...ONE…
...TWO…
...THREE!
Bonnie Jenkins: Here is your winner, earning third place at 2020's End of Days Tournament and winning a future AWF Phoenix or United States Championship Match, ADAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMM SAAAAAAAAAAANDEEEEERSSSSS!
Hawke: Sanders scores the win and keeps his head! What a match!
King: He fought hard and proved himself to more than a few people tonight, including myself!
Hawke: We’ll be keeping our eyes on the hot prospect as he goes after the United States Championship in the future!
Sanders gets his arm raised, and then decides for his own safety to get the hell out of the ring and away from the Mad King.
Hawke: Well fans, as you can tell from the mountain of cups covering the ring, it is time for the Phoenix championship match.
King: The World’s Best match.
Hawke: This match might boast that it is the world’s best, but these are two men with everything in the world to prove. The champion, Rob Garcia, picked up the strap with a game of rock, paper, scissors, as part of a ploy by the ReVenants to earn Neo a shot at the United States title against Dakota Jennings at Fright Night. One of the hottest divisions in the AWF, and Neo James Carner was willing to burn it just to one up his opponent.
King: And Garcia’s challenger, Roger Riggs, needed two shots at Carlos Ruiz to claim his number one contender status. Is he more than just a disgraced ex-cop, Green Beret, motion picture actor?
Hawke: What better way to show the XHF Network that they deserve to be the faces of the Phoenix division, than a contest in which the only weapons available to them are coffee mugs with bragging slogans.
King: Which makes us the world’s best announcing team.
Bonnie Jenkins: The following contest is scheduled for one fall, and is a WORLD’S BEST match for the XHF Phoenix championship.
The theme from Lethal Weapon plays over the PA system.
Bonnie Jenkins: Entering first, the challenger, coming to us from Hollywood, California, standing at 6’5” and weighing in at 195lbs, “The Lethal Weapon” Roger Riggs!!!!!
The crowd are clearly fans of his Riggs’ cameo appearance in last year’s hit, Indonesian Assassin No. 5, popping hard for the movie star’s appearance. Used to the attention, Riggs just beelines to the ring, trying not to break mugs as he enters it.
Hawke: A pat down sees the official removing a keris dagger from Riggs’ boot. The only weapons allowed in this match are the mugs.
Bonnie Jenkins: And his opponent, the champion... standing at 6 feet, and weighing 244 pounds, he hails from Beverly Hills, California – your Phoenix champion, the King of Extreme, Rob Garcia!!!!!!!!!
🎶HARD🎶 by Tay-K and BloccBoy JB erupts over the sound system throughout the arena and a roar of boo's and jeers explodes from the crowd. The beat drops and out from the curtain walks Rob Garcia wearing what looks to be a mink coat. He stops and stands at the entrance ramp, staring at the crowd with a smug look upon his face. As he stands there, his manager, Jeff Noon then makes his way out holding a clipboard and he then stands to the right of Rob. Rob turns his head to look at Jeff, and they both nod, Rob then slowly makes his way down towards the ring, Jeff following behind. Rob stops half way and starts trash talking a fan, Jeff then uses his clipboard to block the fans face when they try to react and he then moves his hand forward to escort Rob to the ring. Rob jumps up on the ring apron knocking over a few mugs, as Jeff runs up the steps, he walks to the turnbuckle, climbs it and raises his hand in the air holding up his index finger. The crowd continues to boo and yell insults and vulgar remarks at Rob as he yells "I'm the man! I'm number one! I'm the king of extreme!" He then jumps down off the turnbuckle and makes his way over to Noon.
Hawke: There are so many mugs in the ring, eight of them already appear to be broken just from Garcia’s theatrics.
King:: Sharp porcelain fragments, are just one of the many things these competitors will have to deal with.
XHF PHOENIX CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH
World's Best Match
"The Lethal Weapon" Roger Riggs vs. "The King of Extreme" Rob Garcia (c)
As the bell rings, Riggs assumes a defensive karate stance. Garcia decides to take this time to mock his opponent’s martial arts background with a Karate Kid crane kick pose. Refusing to acknowledge the joke, Riggs assumes a crane stance of his own. Less than amused, Garcia picks up a world’s best “karate instructor” mug and slings it at his opponent like a fastball. Riggs chops it out of the air a foot from his face. World’s Best “student” quickly follows with a slider, but again Riggs knocks it aside. Assistant. Wife. Classmate. Large Cat Trainer. Boss. Boss. Boss. Astronaut. Dog. Boss. The mugs are thrown with the precision and speed of a professional baseball pitcher. Riggs’ arms are starting to welt from the abuse, but he continues to smash them. Broken porcelain flies through the air, causing the already spaced apart audience to clear out the first few rows for fear of sharp debris. Jeff Noon is using his clipboard to cover up. It is only when Garcia picks up “World’s Best Lover” a mug that speaks to him, that there is a momentary pause in the onslaught. This pause is all that Riggs needs to explode, charging across the ring. Before Garcia can throw another cup, The Lethal Weapon takes him down with a running shoulder tackle.
Hawke: Riggs giving up a large weight difference to the champion, but overcoming it to take him down.
King: Both men falling into the mugs. From the breaking sounds and the agony on Garcia’s face, I can tell that a lot of Grandfather’s are going to need some other tacky crap to let people know their worth. Start working on your macaroni art now kids.
With his back on the canvas, Garcia smashes the “lover” mug into Riggs’ temple. This draws blood, but doesn’t stop the Lethal Weapon from driving his elbow into the King of Extreme’s collarbone. Wincing, Garcia reaches out to grab a mug celebrating a Dentist, but before he can use it, Riggs starts reigning down headbutts. These vicious shots further open the cut on the actor’s head, even as the champion takes the worst of it. Flailing around, Garcia gets his hands on the World’s Best Bodyguard, which is unfortunately a mug. Swinging up, Garcia shoves it into Riggs’ face just as The Lethal Weapon slams down a big headbutt – the mug gets between the two, shattering.
Hawke: Garcia defending with a mug, but Riggs breaks it between the two – then slumps.
King: He’s knocked himself out – but he’s on top!
ONE!
TW-
Garcia grabs the ropes. As Riggs slowly comes to, Garcia shoves him off. Rising, The King of Extreme reveals that his back is completely torn up. Noticing the blood, an irritated Garcia kicks Riggs in the ribs. Another stiff punt gets the actor to wake up. A third hard kick connects, but Riggs roles through momentum, hooking the leg. Garcia is dragged back down to the canvas by an ankle lock with a grapevine.
Hawke: Riggs working the leg, trying to ground the highflying game of the champion.
King: Outside the ring, Jeff is rolling coffee mugs to Garcia – who throws them back at Riggs.
Hawke: The angle of the lock makes it easy for Riggs to duck them, who just cranks back on the ankle.
King: Garcia desperately trying to find a weapon – reaching out, finds a rag? I thought there were only mugs in this match?
Hawke: There are SO many mugs; it stands to reason that a few other random objects would accidentally be in there.
Throwing the cloth material back, Garcia manages to hook it around Riggs’ neck. Riggs continues to try to break Garcia’s ankle, but the champion yanks back on the fabric, choking Riggs. Both continue to struggle, until Riggs is almost blue in the face. Almost passing out, The Lethal Weapon lets go of the hold. The moment it’s released, Garcia stops his choking effort, holding his tender ankle. As the men struggle back up to their feet, the fabric gets twisted around and unfurls, revealing it to be an apron. When Riggs looks down he discovers his new fashion sense to sport: “World’s Best Grandma.” Proving that he not some Mel Gibson knockoff, Riggs announces that he is too old for this shit. ...which was the Murtaugh’s catchphrase.
Hawke: Riggs doesn’t look too pleased with his attire, and on the opposite side of the ring, Garcia looks livid as he moves with a noticeable limp. Both men finding “World Best Wrestler” mugs! And it’s on!
King: DUELLING MUGS!
Both men swing their mugs at the same time! They connect, breaking. They still have the sharp handles! Both men swing their sharp handles, only for the force to knock the remaining pieces free. Weapon less – both men are quick to pick up new cups. Realtor and Brain Surgeon respectively. They swing them again! They shatter. Husband and Lay? Shatter. Aunt and Friend? A thousand pieces. Lawyer and Rob? This duel is having a hard time seeing an object through a single pass. As the Rob mug shatters, Garcia takes personal exception, and grabs a “World’s Best Roger” mug. He wouldn’t. Not even using it as a weapon, Garcia crushes it in his bare hands.
Hawke: Riggs does not like that at all. Where is he going to find another cup that tells him he’s the best person with his name?
King: There are at least five more of them in the ring.
Incensed, Riggs charges forwards swinging a hard right hand. It’s blocked by Garcia who delivers a roundhouse of his own! Fighting through the pain, The Lethal Weapon responds. The King of Extreme takes it. Standing in the middle of the ring, the duo trade shot for shot. Left, right, left. Both refusing to acknowledge the pain, or give an inch, just pummelling each other into hamburger. Finally Garcia ducks a big left, and pulls Riggs into a belly-to-back suplex! For all the mugs they have already broken, there are still another forty to break Riggs fall. Annoyed that not all the cups broke, Garcia then plants Riggs in the same pile with a Dragon Suplex.
ONE!
TW-
It’s hard to say if Garcia’s irritation is at Riggs kickout or the fact that some of the mugs he dropped him on are still intact. A senton bomb crushes them.
ONE!
TWO!
TH-
So close. Moving over to a larger pile of untouched mugs, Garcia seems to fish around for just the right title. Great Uncle. Star Trek Captain. Sex Machine. Jeff points towards a specific area of the stack. Finally Garcia gives up on pretences and pulls out a baseball bat that has clearly been planted. No sooner has Roger Riggs gotten up to his feet than Garcia is going to town with the bat.
Hawke: HEY! The only weapon allowed in this match are the cups. The referee telling Garcia to get rid of the bat! In between vicious swings, Garcia explaining that it’s a Babe Ruth baseball bat and that he was the “World’s Best Baseball Player.” It even says so on the bat.
King: Hard to argue with that.
Hawke: Let’s just hope Riggs isn’t packing the “World’s Best Colt 45.”
Another bat swing sends Riggs stumbling into some cups. He picks up one boasting about Smith. Before he can use it, he’s knocked a different way. He starts to reach out, only to take a bat to the kidney. Rolling with the hits, Riggs seems to be cradling Smith protectively while looking for something. Riggs continues to take a heroic battering before finally tracking it down. Rolling under a home run hit, Riggs snatches another mug. Garcia follows through just in time to meet “Smith” and “Wesson.” Riggs smashes the two cups together. Garcia’s head is between the firearm product plug. Eyes roll into the back of the champions’ head, as the bat and pieces of mug hit the ground a second before him.
ONE!
TWO!
THREE-
As Garcia gets in the ropes, Riggs looks for another cup – only to burn his hand and drop it.
Hawke: Is that. Did one of the cups have hot coffee in it?
King: We are very close to JAVA.
Looking for steam, Riggs finds another cup of hot coffee. Firefighter. As Garcia gets up, Jeff Noon imparts this revelation, and starts looking for steam himself. Garcia calls for the Lights Out Harambee on his distracted opponent – but before he can hit it, Riggs tosses hot coffee at the champion’s crotch.
Hawke: Riggs countering Garcia with some good old-fashioned scorching hot liquids to the groin!
King: Jeff Noon up on the apron, handing the weeping Garcia a full "BOSS" coffee cup of his own.
Hawke: Riggs picking up another full mug – GARCIA THROWING HOT COFFEE AT RIGGS CROTCH IN REVENGE! ...But the World’s Best Grandma apron blocks it!
King: Jeff Noon handing Garcia another one. Angry at Noon’s new life as a barista, Riggs throws HOT COFFEE at Noon’s crotch! Noon clutching his groin in agony falls off the apron.
Hawke: Garcia with his last coffee – tosses it in Riggs’ face! Riggs can’t see! Blinded by the seering pain!
As Riggs rolls around in agony, Garcia tries to fight through the pain, nailing a move that is just too crazy and out of control for anyone else to ever try.
ONE!
TWO!
THREE-
Still holding his face in pain, Riggs has enough wits about him to get a foot on the ropes. The King of Extreme nails a moonsault for Riggs trouble. A springboard moonsault. Rather than covering, Garcia starts to shove the sharp pieces of broken mug into the center of the ring. Creating a razor sharp bed of debris. Confident that this is really going to hurt Riggs and avenge his nether regions, Garcia lifts his challenger up for his spinning jumping DDT variation.
Hawke: OVER DOSE!!!!
As the two spin around-
Hawke: Riggs twisting out of the Over Dose, reversing into a SUDDEN AMBUSH!!
Riggs locks his rear naked choke on in midair, before falling back into the broken mugs. Hundreds of porcelain shards rip into Rigg’s back, but he fights through the pain to hang onto the hold. Garcia’s back is already covered in gore, which makes him slippery, but Riggs holds on. Garcia desperately trying to reach the ropes, but just cuts up his hands on the sharp broken pieces he put there.
King: Dead centre of the ring and Garcia is fading fast.
Desperate, Garcia stands on Riggs’ legs, and then shoves off, putting all his weight on his neck. Reaching up, Garcia grabs Riggs arms, holding the Sudden Ambush in place, while forcing Riggs’ shoulders down on the canvas. Riggs tries to shift his weight, only to stand on a “World’s Greatest Road Warrior” mug which rolls out, costing the movie star his already precarious footing.
ONE!
TWO!
THREE!
Bonnie Jenkins: The winner of this match, by pinfall and STILL XHF Phoenix Champion, ROB GARCIAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
As the bell rings, both men continue to be slumped in the broken boasts of World’s Greatest.
Hawke: Rob Garcia successfully defends in a brutal contest. I for one will think twice before making disparaging remarks about that rock, paper, scissors abomination.
King: I don’t know about world’s best, but that match was a hell of a coffee cup.
Bonnie Jenkins: This match is a Cher and Cher match, both ladies will be dressed as well, Cher, and the one who strips their opponent of their costume will be the winner! Introducing first the challenger...standing in at 5’7 and weighing in at 150 pounds of pure American muscle… from Washington dc… she is Esmerelda Kanyon!
“The Winner Takes it All” as performed by Cher hits as the first lady of the XHF Network (and the United States) makes her way out flanked by Secret Service agents. Esmerelda Kanyon is dressed as Cher from her newest album, Dancing Queen. She shows off her moves to the delight of the crowd.
Hawke: I can’t believe we’re actually doing this match type again after all these years
King: I know! Isn’t it great?
Hawke: Sigh, Bodhi takes on the FLOTUS herself, Esmerelda Kanyon, who’s been on one hell of a roll since her debut, only having one loss to her name!
King: You can be my dancing queen Mrs. First Lady!
The classic “I Got You Babe” by Sonny and Cher hits and out walks Bodhi. She seems…less enthusiastic than Esmerelda was but is trying to get into it as she shows off her sensual side to the slow song while dressed as an era-appropriate version of Cher for the song.
Bonnie Jenkins: And her opponent standing in at 5’9 and weighing in at 127 pounds… from Bethesda, Ohio, USA… she is the current REIGNING DEFENDING XHF Women’s Champion… Bodhi!
King: You can have me, babe!
Hawke: Oh boy, this is gonna be a long match
King: I hope not if you know what I mean!
Hawke: I do, unfortunately. Anyway, Bodhi is the XHF Women’s Champion and is a force to be rekoned with. Can the FLOTUS handle her?
King: I’ll gladly handle them both!
There’s an audible thump like a head hitting a desk as the bell rings. Right off the bat Esmerelda tries to hit Bodhi with a BANG! But the fiery Bodhi is able to quickly side step her and also grab onto one of the shoulder frills of her costume, ripping that right off. Esmerelda gets up and tries to rip off Bodhi’s wig…BUT IT’S NOT A WIG!
Hawke: Ouch, that looks painful
King: I bet she wishes she could turn back time.
Indeed, because this has proven to be advantageous (if not a little painful) to Bodhi as she’s able to grab Kanyon’s wig and- OH MY GOSH THAT’S NOT A WIG EITHER. Both women scream with fists full of hair until Bodhi sends an elbow right into the face of the FLOTUS! Kanyon stumbles back and quickly finds herself without her other arm frill!
Hawke: Our First Lady seems to be having trouble getting a start tonight but the champion is all business!
King: For what it’s worth I have no complaints any way this match goes!
Hawke: Why am I not surprised?
Esmerelda is turning red from anger at how this is going. She whips Bodhi into the ropes and on the return hits a Lou Thez press and starts raining down on Bodhi with slaps! After properly tenderizing the XHF Women’s Champion she decides to add some spice and yank down her top only to discover….
King: PUPPIES!
The camera didn’t catch it but King sure did. Kanyon is shocked by the logical limitations of Bodhi’s costume and immediately uses both her hands to cover Bodhi’s exposed chest. As it turns out, this was a poor idea because it left Bodhi with both hands free. She grabs Kanyon’s head and brings it into hers for a massive headbutt! She then rolls on top of Kanyon, re-adjusting herself all outside of the camera’s view but then rips open Kanyon’s top!
King: BEST MATCH EVER!
Hawke: Don’t lose your train of thought.
King: Oh I know exactly where my mind is!
Kanyon’s security jump on the apron and aside from distracting the ref this also pisses off Bodhi who jumps off the FLOTUS (after taking the rest of her top with her) to confront them. She taunts the security by throwing the President’s Wife’s top at them. But Kanyon isn’t going to take this sitting down and she schoolboys(girls?) Bodi down! The ref jumps down to tell her there’s no pin but Kanyon bends Bodhi in half and then, planting her foot right in Bodhi’s chest rips off the Women’s Champ’s dress!
King: Oh no, not my baby! Wait, YES! MORE MORE!
Hawke: Both women are uh…really brawling this match. And it’s quite the spectacle.
King: You can say that again!
Hawke: I’d really prefer not to. Either way, Kanyon has lost her top and Bodhi has lost her bottom!
Esmerelda quickly fires off a thank you to Thor for Bodhi at least having the foresight to wear panties. Bodhi stumbles up and is suddenly hit by a Puerto Rican Destroyer out of nowhere because your favorite indy wrestler does it too! With Bodhi down, Kanyon goes to take off her to- no, she decides to give her some dignity and rips off the champ’s shoes. She throws them to the crowd and saucily turns around into a kick to the face!
Hawke: After a kick like that Kanyon will be singing “Take Me Home!”
King: What?
Hawke: It’s…it’s a song…trying to get in the spirit of the match
Kanyon grabs her face in pain, but isn’t quite down yet. She stumbles around until she wanders right into THE QUEEN’S CALL! (buzzsaw kick) from Bodhi! The impact knocks her out of her shoes! The crowd boos though because again security is on the ring apron. QUEEN’S CALL TO THEM TOO! Bodhi looks to Esmerelda but she’s already, groggily getting up. The FLOTUS is pissed and is as red as her chili sauce. Bodhi grabs her skirt and holds it up as Kanyon start to kick her feet back like a bull preparing to charge.
Hawke: There’s no way this ends well
King: But many ways this ends great!
The First Lady runs at Bodhi with a BANG! The dress flies up and reveals that Bodhi again side-stepped the President’s signature move and behind her was the turnbuckle! Kanyon goes face first into the ring post and appears to be out! Bodhi wastes no time and rips off the bottom of Esmerelda’s costume exposing her red, white, and blue panties to the world. The referee calls for the bell.
Bonnie Jenkins: Your winner of this match and still XHF Women’s Champion… Bodhi!
Bodhi slides out of the ring with the XHF Women’s Championship as the Secret Service agents try to free an irate First Lady. But her rage entraps her more when Bodhi walks to the outside corner where Kanyon is stuck, pulls down her top to flash her (and puts it back), shoves the title in her face, and flicks her off before leaving to the sounds of “The Beat Goes On” by Sonny and Cher. Esmerelda kicks and screams, making it more difficult for her security to xtract her from the corner.
Hawke: Can we get some smelling salts here? King had blood suddenly shoot out of his nose and rocket him out of his chair.
King: …I….I’m fine…don’t worry. WOOO JAPAN DELIVERS THE FAN SERVICE TONIGHT BABY!
Bonnie Jenkins: The following contest is a Death Trap Casket match! The winner is the one who will put the other in the casket and hit the detonator to destroy the casket with the opponent in it. This is also the final round of the End of Days tournament! Featuring first the challenger…
As the word “Firecracker” appears on the large screen, red and green laser lights spin around the arena as Lzzy Hale begins to sing the opening to the song. Then the word fades and is replaced by the name “Dakota” as the redhead makes her way out to the stage area, a look of sheer scorn etched across her beautiful features. She looks out around the crowd and turns her nose up at them before making her way down the aisle.
Bonnie Jenkins: Making her way to the ring, she hails from Scottsdale, Arizona.....She is the Firecracker, DAKOOOTTTAAA JJEEENNNIINNGGSSSS!!!
Reaching the ring, she confidently strides up the steps before stepping under the second rope before climbing up one of the turnbuckles, flipping the bird to the fans as they boo and jeer in earnest.
King: Welcome to Pepe Morales’ newest stab victim!
Hawke: You know that he’s really Zoran Sainovic? And how do you know that he’s going to stab her?
King: He’s stabbed pretty much everyone else in this tournament? Why stop with Dakota?
Hawke: I suppose. You think that’s why there’s a referee in the ring right now? I mean we don’t really need one to know when the casket has been exploded. Do we?
King: That is probably the exact reason that there’s a ref in the ring right now. To make sure that tonight, no one gets stabbed.
Hawke: Good. I’m hoping for a good match tonight.
King: What, have the other ones been bad?
Hawke: I didn’t say that.
Bonnie Jenkins: And her opponent, from San Juan, Peurto Rico...he is "Niño Huracán" Pepe Morales!
The Heavy's "Big Bad Wolf" blasts over the PA system. Shoving through the back curtains is everyone's favourite teenage hispanic babyface, who is actually an elderly Eastern European monster in sheep's clothing. The reaction for Zoran Sainovic is about what you'd expect, given how many people in attendance were glad he died. As the crowd pelts him with garbage, The Final Boss moves down the aisle in sync with the tunes. Beer splashes his Armani suit, but Sainovic doesn't care. He has money to burn. The swagger is very real.
"Cos I'm The Big Bad Wolf
(What You Say)
I'm The Big Bad Wolf
(What You Say)
I'm The Big Bad Wolf
And I'm Blowing Down Your Neighbourhood"
(What You Say)
I'm The Big Bad Wolf
(What You Say)
I'm The Big Bad Wolf
And I'm Blowing Down Your Neighbourhood"
Entering the ring, Sainovic is immediately patted down by the referee, searching for an arsenal of weapons. Zoran huffs and puffs in insult, but grins wide when several weapons are pulled from his pockets. Zoran doesn’t try to hide weapons on the ref as he retreats from the ring after confiscating weapons from Zoran.
Hawke: You think that the ref managed to get all of the weapons off of Zoran?
King: We can only hope.
Hawke: What about the brass knuckles sewn into the gloves?
King: I think he still has those.
Hawke: Wait, what is Dakota pulling out?
King: They look like brass knuckles except, it also looks something like the business end of a meat tenderizer. Is the ref going back in to take that from her?
Hawke: I don’t think so.
END OF DAYS TOURNAMENT FINAL
Death Trap Casket Match
"The Firecracker" Dakota Jennings vs. "Nino Hurrican" Pepe Morales (totally legally not Zoran Sainovic)
Dakota Jennings strolls to the center of the ring while sliding a pair of brass knuckles with what looks like the end of a meat tenderizer on the end of it. Zoran Sainovic meets in the center of the ring with a wicked grin.
Sainovic: Are you goink to uze that on me, littel girl?
Dakota Jennings: You know it!
Dakota takes a swing with the specialty brass knuckles, Zoran dodges the blow, and strikes her in the mouth with one of his own with his brass knuckle gloves. Dakota’s head snaps back, but that’s all the effect from the punch. Blood trickles from a split in her lower lip. She wipes her mouth with the back of her hand.
Dakota Jennings: Is that all you got?
Zoran goes for another punch, but Dakota dodges it and hits an uppercut with the specialty brass knuckles. Zoran staggers backwards a few steps, but Dakota grabs him by the shoulder with her other hand and clocks him with the brass knuckles again! Dakota whips him into the ropes and on the rebound, clocks him a third time with the brass knuckles! Zoran’s head snaps back, blood and spittle flying through the air! Zoran stumbles backwards two steps before falling flat onto his back!
King: Dakota taking the fight right to Zoran.
Hawke: Not shocking, being that she’s a former MMA fighter.
Dakota takes off the brass knuckles and tosses them to the mat before grabbing Zoran by the feet and starts to drag him toward the side of the ring where the casket is. When she grabs Zoran by the shoulders to begin maneuvering him to roll him out of the ring, Zoran spits blood into Dakota’s eyes. Zoran gets to his feet as Dakota leans against the ropes while trying to clear her vision. When she looks around to see where Zoran is. She sees him long enough for him to clothesline her over the top rope to the concrete floor! Zoran goes to the ropes across the ring and comes back as Dakota is getting up to her feet to hit a baseball slide dropkick that sends Dakota to the casket.
King: Are we almost finished with this match already?
Hawke: I doubt that either of them are ready to lay in the casket long enough to get blown up.
Zoran grabs Dakota by the hair and drills her with a hard right hand so that she falls against the casket. He drops a knee on her and leans on her throat while he opens the casket. Dakota tries to get Zoran off of her, but can’t get his weight off of her. Zoran drills her in the side of the head with another punch and throws her into the casket. He closes it up with a grin. He does up his sleeves, gets out a comb, and combs his hair before begin walking around the ring to get to the detonator at the Timekeeper’s table.
King: Here it comes!
Zoran presses the button to detonate the casket, but there is no explosion. Zoran frowns, hitting the button a few more times like maybe it was a technical error. He looks around at the cheering fans like they were insane, but then turns around. Dakota drills Zoran with a right hand, spins around, and hits a shiranui!
Hawke: It Came From Scottsdale! II: The Unnecessary Sequel!
King: That whole thing is the move name?
Hawke: Yeah.
King: That’s either excessive or just right.
Dakota gets Zoran up and rolls him into the ring. She follows him into the ring and crouches with a hand out as she waits for him to slowly get to his feet. She goes for a superkick, but Zoran catches the foot with one hand and drills the side of her knee with a shot from the brass knuckle laden gloves! Dakota falls to the mat clutching at her knee while Zoran gloats over her. He grabs her by the wounded leg to begin dragging her to the side of the ring with the casket, but Dakota kicks him in the face with her good leg to send him backwards to the ropes. She stands up, gingerly putting weight on the struck leg to see if it will hold her weight. It does. Dakota walks with a slight limp across the ring, picking up her own pair of brass knuckles as she does so.
Dakota Jennings: Dahlin’, this is going to hurt you a lot more than it hurts me.
Dakota grabs Zoran by the shoulder and strikes him in the nose with the meat tenderizer brass knuckles, sending a splatter of blood everywhere. She smashes him in the face a few more times before releasing him. Zoran takes a few steps and flops onto his face. She drops the brass knuckles again and begins dragging Zoran by the ankles to the edge of the ring,leaving a blood trail as she does so. She slides out of the ring and pulls Zoran to the concrete floor.
King: Looks like Dakota might be winning End of Days!
Hawke: She still has to get him into the casket and he’s kind of dead weight right now.
King: Yeah, I get that. She pulped his face with that brass knuckles!
Hawke: I’d say that it wasn’t fair, but he has his own weapons that he uses too.
Dakota opens the casket and pulls Zoran up. She starts to put him into the casket when he drills her with an elbow that closes the casket. He grabs her by the back of the head and slams her face into the casket! He yanks her head back and slams it into the top of the casket again before letting her fall to the floor. He opens up the blood splattered casket and uselessly wipes at his mouth with the back of his hand to smear around blood. He pulls her up and slams her in the forehead a few times with the brass knuckles before putting her into the casket and slamming it shut. Zoran straightens his tie and spits a glob of blood onto the floor before staggering his way around the ring.
King: So, it looks like this might be the end of the match.
Hawke: Unless Dakota can get out of the casket in time, Zoran looks like he will win this.
Zoran gets to the Timekeeper’s table, grins bloody red teeth at the Timekeeper and presses the button to detonate the casket
Nothing.
Sainovic: Зајебаваш ме?
King: What did he say? Was that Spanish?
Hawke: I don’t speak Spanish anymore so No se
Zoran staggers around the ring to find Dakota standing next to the casket, glaring at him with determination. Her face a mask of blood.
Dakota Jennings: You ain’t winning that easily.
Sainovic: You veel see Skye Walker tonight.
Zoran rushes at Dakota, going for a hard right hand, but Dakota manages to dodge to the side. She hits a spinning wheel kick that slams Zoran against the casket and knocking him to the floor. Dakota spits blood onto Zoran before pulling him up. She grabs him by the shoulders and delivers a crushing headbutt before putting him into the casket and closing the door. She starts walking around the ring, pausing to lean on a ringpost for a moment before completing her journey to the Timekeeper’s table. She sighs in relief as she presses the detonator
Nothing.
Dakota Jennings: FUCK!
King: That I understood.
Hawke: Well, yeah. That was English at the very least.
Instead of walking around the ring, Dakota Jennings rolls into the ring. She sees Zoran Sainovic leaning against the open casket. She breathes in deep, runs across the ring, leaps to the top turnbuckle as a springboard to dive through the air, and hit a hurricanrana! The crowd are on their feet and cheering while both Zoran Sainovic and Dakota Jennings lay on the floor.
King: So...should the ref count them both out?
Hawke: I think we have to wait until someone gets up and blows up the other in the casket.
King: No matter how long it takes?
Hawke: Yep.
Dakota Jennings is the first to get up. She grabs Zoran Sainovic, pulling him up, and putting him into the casket again. He quickly begins to sit up, but Dakota grabs the casket lid. She slams it into Zoran’s head several times while yelling.
Dakota Jennings: You. Will. Stay. Inside.
She closes the casket and staggers around the ring. She gets to the Timekeeper’s table and practically falls onto the detonator button.
BOOM!
The casket explodes with a fury.
Bonnie Jenkins: Winner of the match and the End of Days tournament...Dakota Jennings!
EMTs come down to the ring to check out Dakota Jennings and Zoran Sainovic.
King: I can’t believe that Dakota won!
Hawke: She made it by everyone else in the tournament. Why not?
King: I thought for sure that Zoran was going to claim the win tonight.
Hawke: Nope, the underdog wins it.
Bonnie Jenkins: This next match is a “If You Can Drink it, it’s Legal” match that means the container that the substance is drunk from is also legal. This match is for one fall! Featuring first to the ring, Randy Angel!
“My Own Worst Enemy” by Lit begins playing as Randy Angel walks out from the back with a metal flask in his hand. He drunkenly waves to the cheering fans before taking a pull from his flask. He looks around as if he were looking for something and raises a hand? He walks back to the back and comes out with a shopping cart from Wal-Mart that is filled with bottles of all sizes, a couple of cases of different beers, a pony keg, and a small keg of Heineken. He walks down to the ring with this shopping cart, parking it by his corner. He digs through it, getting out a can of Budweiser. He pops it open, drinks it down with a single draught, and smashes the empty can against his forehead before rolling into the ring.
King: Did Randy bring the entire bar to the ring with him?
Hawke: It sure seems like it. I don’t even think that he was supposed to be in this match in the first place.
King: But he is now and has quite the armory. I wonder how he intends to use that pony keg?
Hawke: I have no idea.
Bonnie Jenkins: And coming down second to the ring, and actually deserving of being here tonight, “Rock Hard” Jimmy Vanguard!
"The Ding Dong Song" begins playing and the lights go out.
"Ooooooh you touched my tra-la-la...
Mmmmm my ding ding dong!"
Mmmmm my ding ding dong!"
The beat begins and "Rock Hard" Jimmy Vanguard steps out from the back. He's got a black speedo and a black bow-tie on. His reflective aviator sunglasses shine in the lighting as he drops to his knees and caresses the stage. He leans forward and dry-humps the cool metal before hopping to his feet and waltzing down to the ring with some pep in his step. He rolls under the bottom rope and slowly pops up to his feet. He walks over to a corner and climbs up onto the bottom rope, putting his crotch at the same level as the top turnbuckle. He starts grinding the turnbuckle before hopping off and smirking, taking his sunglasses off and licking his mustache. His music starts to fade out as he waits.
King: What’s that in Jimmy’s hands?
Hawke: Looks like a small purple Crown Royal bag.
King: I wonder what’s in it?
Hawke: I don’t know, but he put it down in his own corner.
Bonnie Jenkins: And last to the ring, he is the XHF Junior Heavyweight champion…”Country Strong” Adam Marston!
"HURTWORLD '99" begins to play through the PA System as the eldest of the Marston Brothers steps out from behind the curtain, the XHF Junior Heavyweight Championship resting around his waist before his younger brother follows him down to the ring. They both roll into the ring before leaping into the corner turnbuckles and posing as they would do. They get down from the corners with Jake Marston heading out of the ring while Adam hands over his JH title to the ref to be displayed and sent to rest at the Timekeeper’s table.
King: Adam only brought himself to the ring. He didn’t bring anything else. Overconfidence on his part? Or stupidity?
Hawke: He may have decided that the other two would bring enough in the way of ammunition so that he didn’t have to bring any to the ring with him.
XHF JUNIOR HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH
"If You Can Drink It, It's Legal" Match
"Rock Hard" Jimmy Vanguard vs. vs. Randy Angel vs. "Country Strong" Adam Marston (c)
As the bell rings to start the match, Randy Angel rolls out of the ring to his shopping cart. He begins rummaging through it, grabbing a small bottle of strawberry vodka. He pops the top and begins drinking from it. Jimmy Vanguard grabs his Crown Royal bag while Adam Marston watches curiously. Jimmy pulls out a Thanos Fleshlight.
King: Now for that device to be legal, he’s got to be able to drink something out of it.
Hawke: I think he’s getting ready to do that right now, but what could be in it?
King: What do you think might be in it? It is a Fleshlight after all.
Hawke: What? I don’t even know what a Fleshlight is.
Jimmy Vanguard hoists the Thanos Fleshlight up to Adam as if he were leading a toast.
Vanguard: Greg Adkins was here!
Jimmy opens his mouth and begins to pour some of the off-white liquid into his mouth.
King: Do I have to spell it out for you? He means that Greg Adkins had sex with that device and that Jimmy is drinking Greg’s-
Hawke: STOP! I think I’m going to be sick.
King: That’s better.
Hawke: It’s better that I be sick?
King: Better than thinking the wrong thing.
Jimmy hits Adam with the Fleshlight, getting some of the contents on him. Adam drops to the mat from the impact and desperately wipes at himself to get the stuff of him. Jimmy puts the boots to him, kicking at Adam until he rolls out of the ring. Jake helps him get cleaned up while Jimmy looks around the ring to see Randy Angel outside of the ring doing a keg stand with the pony keg. Jimmy cocks his head, watching Randy for a moment before sliding out of the ring. Jimmy grabs the pony keg out from under Randy, knocking him to the floor where he spits beer everywhere. Jimmy raises the pony keg over his head as if to bring it down on Randy’s head when the referee begins to yell at him from in the ring.
Referee: You haven’t drank from that container, Jimmy. If you use it, this match will end with a disqualification!
Jimmy starts to lower the pony keg when Randy jumps to his feet and snatches it from his hands. He shoves the keg into Jimmy’s chest, sending him backwards into the ring apron. Randy drops the keg onto Jimmy’s feet, bringing out a wide eyed yelp of pain from him. They both look to the side and see Adam Marston coming at them and taking them both down with a double clothesline.
King: Adam getting back into the picture after getting Greg’s man juice on him.
Hawke: Man juice? What’s-oh that’s just gross.
Adam Marston rolls into the ring while Jimmy and Randy get back to their feet. Jimmy watches Randy get a bottle of banana rum out of the shopping cart and start drinking it. Jimmy just shrugs and rolls into the ring. Jimmy stands up and grabs Adam, hitting a double-arm ddt. He goes to the middle turnbuckle while Randy...drinks on the outside.
King: Did Randy just get into this match to drink on television?
Hawke: I think he just might have.
Adam slowly gets to his feet, Jimmy jumps from the ropes and hits a Canadian destroyer! Jimmy stands up and looks at Randy to the outside, who gives him a cheers with a bottle of tequila. Jimmy goes for the cover!
One
Two
Three!
Hawke: Jimmy with the win with Boner Town.
King: Is that what he calls his finisher? Boner Town?
Hawke: Yep.
Bonnie Jenkins: Winner of the match and NEW XHF Junior Heavyweight champion… "Rock Hard" Jimmy Vanguard!
Jimmy Vanguard stands in the middle of the ring with the JH championship belt raised over his head as he celebrates his win.
We open up backstage where we find XHF's NUMBA ONE announcer Funaki standing with a tired, bruised, but cleaned up Dakota Jennings.
Funaki: Well Dakota, congratulations on winning the 2020 End of Days tournament. That means you will be able to challenge for any belt in the AWF at a time of your choosing. Of course you can also use this briefcase to become the AWF's rep for the X*Crown match at any global show and bypass the qualifiers as well.
Dakota Jennings: Well how about that Funaki. I said I was going to win this. And now I have overcome Swann and Zoran. My picture will be in the XHF HQ forever, the first female End of Days winner. I wish I had my beer.
Funaki: Yes well as a note Pepe Morales will also be entered into the qualifiers for the X*Crown match at Supremacy when those roll around for winning second place. So we will not have seen the last of him.
Dakota Jennings: Way to rain on my parade Funaki. Now let me have that briefcase, never know when I might need to dethrone Seth Dillinger.
Funaki hands her the briefcase and the fans go wild. She smiles and heads off.
Bonnie Jenkins: Ladies and gentlemen, the following is a Monster Mash Match for the XHF Global Tag Team Championships. This is an elimination tag team match with all four competitors in costume. Entering first, the winners of the 2020 Tag Team Annihilator ... "Deathless" Radu Matei, Anthony Caffrey ... PURPLE EMPERORS!
(House lights fade, plunging the arena into darkness. A single image appears.)
(Before a mass of lighters can be produced, purple and white spotlights playfully search through the audience, darting around to The Hives' "Tick Tick Boom" pumping over the loud speakers while whipping the audience into a frenzy. The purple lights are designed to look like butterflies, seemingly fluttering away from the more intense white glows in pursuit.)
(As chants go up throughout the audience, the purple spotlights convert on the entrance curtains.)
(When these lights align, Anthony Caffrey and Radu Matei push through in unison. A thunderous ovation is drowned out by a cavalcade of fireworks. The amount of blue and red sparks flying through the air might colour the arena in enough mauve light to make you miss the Purple Emperor’s costumes, but as both men strike poses on opposite side of the entrance ramp, there is little doubt that they are on the same page.)
(The fan favourites make their way down the aisle, slapping hands along the way.)
Bonnie Jenkins: And their opponents, the XHF Global Tag Team Champions ... Anna Daniels and Lisa Seldon ... DODO-A-GOGO!
As the lights dim to blackout, a strange noise picks up over the speakers. A soft white light blinks slowly at the head of the entranceway, cutting through the darkness.
one, two, three, four
The light grows and spreads out over the arena, turning from white to a dark blue, engulfing the room. And it continues to pulse, falling in line with the beat as Disco//Very kicks up. A surprisingly demure collection of Hellcats take to the stage.
Don't you battle we'll kill you
We'll rip you up and tear you in two
Don't you battle we'll kill you
We'll rip you up and tear you in two
Don't you battle we'll kill you
We'll rip you up and tear you in two
We'll rip you up and tear you in two
Don't you battle we'll kill you
We'll rip you up and tear you in two
Don't you battle we'll kill you
We'll rip you up and tear you in two
Dodo-A-Gogo make the walk in force, Anna tagging hands with whomever happens to stick one out.
Only in the sound of the voices I scream
Only in the sound of your voice did I scream
Only in the sound of the voices I scream
Only in the sound of your voice did I scream
Only in the sound of the voices I scream
Once at the ring Anna slides in first. Lisa goes next, hopping up onto the apron, leaning back with the aid of the ropes and throwing a wink into the nearest camera. She then hops over the ropes, spins and takes a seat in the nearest corner. Anna goes up on a corner of her own, encouraging cheers from the fans. The two of them converge in their corner as the music fades out.
Hawke: Well here we go.
King: This is what Caffrey and Radu have been waiting for.
Hawke: Here we are folks, XHF World Tag Team Title on the line. New Champions Dodo A Gogo defending against the Purple Emperors, Radu Matei and Anthony Caffrey.
King: Dodo a Gogo won the title’s when they defeated former champions Sky Force, and the Purple Emperors won thru this prestigious tourney to get the shot at them.
Hawke: More prestigious than their Tag Trials in SWAT. Talk about a self indulgent job fest that was.
King: Look at them costumes Hawke! Anna is the hottest Joker I have ever seen! And Lisa even better as Harley Quinn!
Hawke: What about the Purple Ones. Radu is The Thing with Two heads, and Caffrey …. (sings) The Phantommmmmmm of the opera is ….. Lame.
King: What Phantom? I can’t take my eyes off of Harley.
Hawke: Referee calling for the bell, and we are getting under way. Anna starting off for the Emperors and Anna for the Champs.
[Radu and Anna circle each other and Radu goes to work with some left and right hand punches. Anna is reeling, Radu stays on her and lands a spinning drop toe hold then tags in Caffrey. Caffrey enters the ring and lays into Anna with some big chest chops.]
King: Oi Caffrey! Watch out for that chest! Them puppies should be motorboated, not chopped!
Hawke: You are a pig! She is not an object you know, she is a WRESTLER!
King: An attractive wrestler who I want to massage them puppies better for.
Hawke: All women are not just puppies and rats you know.
King: Says YOU!
[Caffrey slaps Anna across the face. Anna slaps him back and then Caffrey tries to slap her multiple times slapping the shit out of her but she keeps slapping him back. Anna starts boxing Caffrey. A left jab, a right jab, an uppercut, she is bouncing around and then goes to work on his solar plexes. Caffey is sucking in the air, he is no boxer. Anna tags in Lisa and she comes over the top rope in and plants Caffrey with an X Factor.]
Hawke: The Phantom is not much of a pugilist.
King: Who cares. Look at Harley! She can give ME the X Factor!
Hawke: Harley and Caffrey get to their feet and Caffrey gets control and locks on a side headlock. He grinds on it and reaches out and tags in Radu.
King: Radu comes in and crunches her with a belly to belly overhead suplex.
[Radu stays on Lisa and delivers a wheel barrow piledriver. Radu covers and Lisa kicks out at two. Lisa delivers a sit out jawbreaker to Radu and then tags in Anna. Anna comes in and nails Radu with a beautiful Savate kick, that sends one of his two heads off his shoulders to the mat.]
Hawke: Wow! Radu’s has lost one of his heads. He instinctively grabs Anna and bulldogs her. Then, reaches down and grabs the head that fell off from his costume, and spinning back fists (heads) Anna with it, brains and slime coming out everywhere. Radu then brain busters Anna onto the severed head.
King: What a shot! Would you call that a head job?
Hawke:Will you please?
King: Radu tags in Caffrey. Caffrey enters the ring and executes a leg sweep DDT.
[Caffrey goes to work on Anna, stomping on her ankle repeatedly. Radu drops off the apron and heads to the back.]
King: What’s this? Is Radu leaving Caffrey stranded?
Hawke: Caffrey wondering the same thing as he watches him go thru the curtain to the back.
King: Anna takes advantage of the distraction and lands a Tiger suplex to another Tiger suplex to...an Australian "suplex".
Hawke: That rattled his brains. Cover by Anna and Caffrey kicks out at two.
[Lisa tags in and the girls double team Caffrey. First with a double super kick, then a double monkey flip, the crowd popping.]
King: The Sacrificial Idol has seen the light. He has ditched this blow hard Caffrey and left him stranded, in the final no less!
Hawke: Radu is all in with SWAT! He has given every ounce of his body for them over the years, and for him to sit back and watch Caffrey besmirch them, it only makes sense.
King: Couldn’t agree with you more Hawke, this team never made sense to me, all the happy best friend embracing shit, it was a mystery to me, but now, we see all to just leave this hump hanging.
Hawke:As they say. You reap what you sow.
[Radu heads back up to the ring, now in a new costume, Tetsuo giant mutant from the end of AKIRA. The crowd breathe a sigh of relief he hasn’t actually ditched Caffrey, and Caffrey does also seeing him return, well, most of the crowd.]
King: Caffrey getting a second wind, seeing Radu return has brought him back to life and he grabs the ankle of Lisa and THE PROCESS!!!
Hawke: Caffrey with the Process ankle lock on Lisa! The same move that tapped the legendary Death Trap out in the semi’s.
King: That was weird right? The man who never taps, taps in a tag team final to a move which previously didn’t phase him to win the X Crown?
Hawke: This one had spiders and bugs involved though.
[Lisa taps also. Caffrey celebrates and then Anna enters the ring and reminds him, its elimination and the fight is not over yet.]
King: Anna, you are a magnificent wrestler and if you play your cards right, could well become wife number five for the King, but let’s face it, you can’t beat these two guys on your own.
Hawke: She couldn’t beat them with an entire army.
[Caffrey tags in Radu and Deathless enters the ring. He grabs Anna and hoists her up over his head and double arm sit out choke slams her into the mat.]
King: Deathless still has some life in them battered bones. He tags in Caffrey and Caffrey almost takes Anna’s head off with a roaring elbow.
Hawke: Caffrey covers and Anna kicks out at two.
King: Again, Radu heads to the back.
Hawke:It’s his costume, I can see it, that one just wasn’t working.
[Anna with a handspring elbow on Caffrey. Caffrey with a Full Nelson (Dreams and Nightmares). Anna with a 720 DDT. She covers and Caffrey kicks out at two. Caffrey with a surfboard stretch on Anna. King gets excited at ringside as Anna gyrates her hips in the air. Caffrey loses it and throws her off him and then goes for a big forearm which she counters into Multiple revolution tilt-a-whirl headscissors twisted into an implant DDT.]
King: Anna with a cover but Caffrey kicks out at two.
Hawke: Here comes Radu again, I presume its Radu! It’s KING KONG!
King: It could be anyone!
Hawke: It’s Radu, that crippled limp says it all!
[Brotherly Love by Caffrey (legsweep DDT). He tags in King Kong and Radu enters the ring and delivers a devastating Axe Bomber!. Omukade Press!! Jumping double stomp to the face/chest with enough force that it almost looks like a senton, but he just took his opponent's head off. Matei ends up on top for the pin.]
Bonnie Jenkins: Ladies and gentlemen your winners and NEW XHF Global Tag Team Champions … Anthony Caffrey, Radu Matei …….. PURPLE EMPERORS!
King: Cover by Matei …. He got it!
Hawke: NEW WORLD TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS!
King: Radu and Caffrey did it!
Hawke: Never in doubt.
King: Valiant effort by Anna. I will gladly give her some pointers after the show.
Hawke: No doubt you will. Well done to the Purple Emperors! Tag Team Champions of the XHF!!!
Hawke: And now we have arrived at our main event of the evening. The steel cage and glass cell will be lowered after everyone is in the ring. The X*Crown has bounced around a bit this year, starting on Maverick and going through a few months in SWAT with Zoran Sainovic before Anthony Caffrey won the rumble. He was dethroned by Death Trap two months later, and Rob Arnold a month after that. Now Dylan Black holds the belt and has really been making an effort to be seen.
King: He has to, J-ROK won't book the guy. Biggest draw on the network holding the top title, in demand from CW, DW, and others and the idiots in Japan won't book the guy cuz he's a disrespectful gaijin. Anyhow let's see if he can survive here tonight.
Bonnie Jenkins: Ladies and gentlemen it is time for the main event of the evening. The following is a Doomsday Cage match scheduled for one fall and is for the XHF X*Crown Championship. Entering first ... at 210 pounds and 5 feet 10 inches, from Cape Town, South Africa ... representing Destiny Wrestling ... "The Most Electrifying Man in all of Professional Wrestling", "The Show Stealer", "Mister Sunday Nights", "Your Favourite Wrestler", "The King of Strong Style", "The Five Hundred and Four Minute Man", "The Shaman of Sexy", "The Mayor of Slam Town", "Big Match Dev", "The Greatest of All Time", "The Best Wrestler Alive" ... "BIG MATCH" DEV!
King: WAS ALL THAT REALLY NECESSARY BONNIE?!
Hawke: It's the pay-per-view ... I guess you get what you pay for.
"Footrace" by Viper hits the speakers and a pair of dice with the word Destiny adorn the Xtremetron. Dev slowly strolls onto the stage looking unbothered by anything. His face has his shades, his pockets hold his hands. He slowly, casually, walks to the ring. The slow walk puts the Undertaker to shame. He looks at he crowd and rolls into the ring never removing his hands from his pockets. He gets to the center of the ring and pulls off his shades... to find another pair underneath. He drops the first pair into his back pocket then puts both hands up and puts them slowly into his front pockets again.
Bonnie Jenkins: Entering next ... representing GUNS ... at 5 feet 11 inches and 225 pounds, from ... THE AFTERWARD, being accompanied by Heavymetal-Borg ... he is EVIL-BORG!
"Am I Evil" by Metallica hits the speakers and the stage fills with mist. Strobe lights go on all throughout the arena. Evil-Borg and Heavymetal-Borg come out together and Heavymetal-Borg is air guitaring to the music. They make their way to the ring throwing up the devil horns and threatening fans. Evil climbs into the ring and Heavymetal head bangs on the outside until the match starts.
Bonnie Jenkins: Entering next, representing NPW, at 6 feet and 180 pounds, from Parts Unknown, he is the current reigning NPW North American Cruiserweight Champion, and he would like me to add the ONLY singles champion in NPW, being accompanied by the "Dread Lord" Dinosaur Bones, the REAL ... LORD DOMINICUS!
The stadium falls into darkness as light piano music sets a sophisticated tone while a single spotlight slowly opens up on the entrance way. Smoke pours from the back and the sides and the front because this is just a heck of a lot of smoke- probably more than any one entrant needs. Suddenly a roar slices through all this veneer of safety and style as we're rocked into the hard guitar of "The Bear Song" by Green Jelly. Out from the back comes the face....OF A DINOSAUR!? Yes! It's feared wrestler, Dinosaur Bones! But as he whips around, showing that his mask is firmly affixed to his face he's accidentally becoming a bucking bronco for the real star of this match- LORD DOMINICUS!
LD: ONWARD MY STEED! TO VICTORY AND UTTER DESTRUCTION!
"The Dread Lord" Dinosaur Bones roars again as he carries his rider (Lord Dominicus) through the thick smoke and down the entrance ramp to the ring, finally getting them next to the ring. LD gracefully steps off of his seemingly inflatable steed and....totally misses the apron and falls directly onto the mats outside the ring. BUT HE'S BACK UP QUICKLY and after a boost from Dinosaur Bones, the noblest and MOST DREADED of mounts, he's in the ring. Dominicus scowls at the crowd (probably it's hard to tell with the mask) while Dinosaur Bones takes a jog around the outside of the ring to see if there's anyone to intimidate/eat.
Hawke: Now it would appear Dominicus and Evil-Borg may be trying to form an evil alliance and team up. But it is also interesting both of them are the only ones bringing backup tonight.
King: I mean Dinosaur Bones, Heavymetal-Borg, and if Mecha-Goldbear makes an appearance are all going to be outside the super thick glass cell so, who knows if they will even get into this match.
Bonnie Jenkins: And next ... representing the AWF, at 6 feet 9 inches and 310 pounds ... hailing from New York, New York ... James Knox, better known as the Mad Titan ... HYPERION!
As the opening chords of 'Gently' by Slipknot begin to play, the arena lights darken completely. The crowd reacts in a mixture of cheers and heckles to the melody of Hyperion's entrance; the darkness blanketing everyone. Hyperion appears from a distance, walking through the crowd, tall and fierce. A single golden spotlight shines on him as he makes his way to the ring until he climbs over the barrier and approaches the ring steps. He pauses at the side, looking into the crowd with a scowl on his face, before raising his fist over his head to more shouts from the audience. He enters over the top rope and prepares for stares down all 3 other men in the ring already.
Hawke: Here is where we get interesting, all three previous men are firmly in the light heavyweight category. Our next two are not. Hyperion is the largest in this match towering over the closest competition by over half a foot and owning a 7 pound advantage over the next man up.
King: But in this match sometimes that agility is what you need. Can Hyperion reclaim his old glory tonight or will his former Team Fuck Mongo partner retain the title in spite of him.
"Cave" by Muse blares and Eddie D walks out with a black and white montage video playing on the screens of him weight training and hitting his favorite moves on people, flashing up in negative to the beat of the music. He regularly threatens rude fans, tears up opponents fan posters on his way to the ring, has vicious one liner for an "ugly" fan, he walks confidently and slowly to the ring. Raises his hands to accept the praise he feels he is due, but the crowd erupt in a chorus of boos and jeers.
Bonnie Jenkins: Introducing now, representing SWAT and hailing from Vernon, California, USA. Coming in at 6’ and 303 pounds he is the reigning SWAT Renegade Champion .... THE BIG DEAL .... EDDIE D!!!
As Eddie D enters the ring, the lights dim to a near-pitch black. Green smoke covers the stage as some brooding ominous music begins to play. A hole opens in the stage and bright white light emits from it. A chair... no, a throne rises from said hole. Big and bulky. The lights turn dark green as the smoke fades, the occasional white light flashing around the crowd like a bolt of lightning. The chair comes all the way up through the ground, with a loud clang! The crowd leans in with the baited breath, as the lights come up.
We see the back of a man, clad in silver armor, with a white sleeveless cloak over it. He turns around, and we see a mask over his face. He removes the hood of his cloak and his jet-black hair falls out. He slowly removes the mask, then cloak and chest plate as Bonnie Jenkins make the announcement.
Bonnie Jenkins: And introducing the final opponent, atop the stage there. Standing at 6'2" and weighing 218 pounds, he is the current reigning XHF X*Crown Champion! All the way from Boston, Massachusetts, representing J-ROK ... "The Messiah of Mayhem" DYLAN BLACK!
He stands atop the stage, reaching out as a few chicks clad in similar getup surround him. Each carrying one championship; the ICW World Championship, the GWA World Championship, and the EPW World Heavyweight Championship. They place the ICW and GWA belts around his neck, intertwined like how John Cena used to carry the two championships. The EPW title is placed around his waist. He stands there posing, all godlike before a fourth championship is procured. His custom-made X*Crown Championship. He looks longing at it, before kissing it and carrying it in his hand. The throne descends into the floor as he makes his way down the ramp, arms tightly around the titles. He rolls into the ring, wasting no time tossing the four titles to the referee as he fumbles them. The ref holds the custom belt, the representation of the X*Crown as a whole in the air as Dylan stares at the opposition.
Hawke: Ladies and gentlemen, no more delays the time is now.
King: Six men enter, one men leaves with the biggest prize in wrestling, 21 belts in one. And here comes the cage.
Sure enough a steel cage lowers down and clamps onto the ring apron. The glass hell in a cell then is lowered down to the ground giving a 4 foot area to wrestle in around the ring if you leave the cage. The air holes are all on the roof making escaping the cage ... nigh impossible ... *wink* ... the referee signals for the bell.
XHF X*CROWN CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH
Doomsday Cage Match
Hyperion (AWF) vs. Evil-Borg (GUNS) vs. Eddie D (SWAT) vs. Lord Dominicus (NPW) vs. Dev (DW) vs. Dylan Black (c) (J-ROK)
The match begins with Dev putting his hands in his pockets and leaning back into a corner. Evil Borg looks over at Lord Dominicus and they nod at each other. They charge Dylan. Dylan ducks under their attack and hits a double clothesline on the two men. Dylan steps back … INTO A SUPERKICK … from Dev … which amounts to a tap on the ankle. Dylan looks down at the slight pressure in his cybernetic leg. He then turns to Dev who shrugs and walks away. Eddie D gets right in the face of Hyperion. Hyperion grunts at him and Eddie laughs then pie faces Hype. Hype gets turned sideways but looks simply annoyed. He boots Dev as he nonchalantly walks past sending him to the ground. Hype then turns and Eddie D punches him square in the jaw. EB and LD both roll to their feet and look at each other. You can’t tell how either feels since they both wear masks.
King: We’re off to a riveting start. Seems Dev just wants to watch while the big boys play and the evil ones work over the cyborg.
Hawke: It frightens me that this sentence actually makes perfect sense … Mongo needs to be more choosy about his hires.
Eddie D begins raining punches on Hyperion who seems to be stumbled by them. The evil duo charge Dylan again but feint an attack so when Dylan goes to dodge he walks right into a double dropkick. They pick him up and hit a double hip toss. Dylan rolls to his feet and looks back at them. He cracks his neck then grabs the body of Dev from the mat, hauls him to his feet, hands still in pockets and whips him at the evil duo. Dev pulls his arms out in shock and accidentally clotheslines then both. He skids to a stop and then looks around. He puts his hands back in his pocket and walks across the ring stepping on both evil men on the way. Eddie whips Hyperion across the ring. Dev sees him coming and hits a lazy dropkick landing on his own back then kipping up … but Hype is still standing and grabs him and hurls him with a huge beal toss sending him back first into the cage. He crumples between the cage and ropes on the hard cam side of the ring and just lies there, hands in pockets, sunglasses askew on his pained face. EB and LD see this and nod in approval. Allowing Dylan to steamroll them with another double clothesline. Hyperion turns around and Eddie D hits him with a running body avalanche. Hype hits the mat.
King: Wow Eddie D has been impressive early putting Hyperion through his paces.
Hawke: Jail has a way of softening a man King. Hype may just be Knox now, his mystique and physique gone forever.
King: … Joey … you can SEE his muscles from here. Prison HARDENS men.
Hawke: And yet here Hype is taking the D.
King: … also prison.
Dylan grabs Eddie and spins him around before laying down some fists. He gets Eddie backing up before the evil duo charge in and hit a double team tackle on Eddie D. They both stand and laugh maniacally. Dylan sighs and grabs their heads and smashes them together. He sound of cloth covered flesh smacking plastic helmet echoes around the bird shaped arena. Both men stumble around like they’re drunk before Eddie hooks them both and hits a double overhead belly to belly suplex.
Hawke: Whoa! Ok now that was impressive.
Eddie smirks at Dylan and beckons him to bring it. Dylan fires off a series of chest chops with requisite “WOO!”s from the crowd. Eddie grimaces but eats the blows. Dylan kicks him in the gut and hunches him over. He hits a double axe handle and Eddie spreads his arms to the sides arching his spine in pain. He then clamps those arms around Dylan. He crushes him in a bear hug. Dylan can be heard shouting FUCK FUCK FUCK! Eddie looks him in the face and smiles. He then crushes him in the bear hug. Dylan reaches his arms out past Eddie’s head trying to grab something to release the hold. Eddie begins to swing him back and forth. While this is going down Hyperion has gotten to his feet and laid eyes on Lord Dominicus.
Hawke: What is that look Hype is giving LD?
King: Well Hype has had a long history of fighting the Nihilists in AWF. LD kinda resembles them.
Hyperion slowly stalks towards LD. LD points at him and begins shouting some evil banter and shakes his fist at Hype. He then leaps for a dropkick. Hyperion side steps it and LD crashes to the mat. Hyperion begins to stomp him mercilessly. He hoists Dominicus up and hurls him to the cage wall opposite Dev. LD catches the cage and tries to climb away. Hype grabs his leg. He tries to yank him down while LD kicks at his head with the other foot. Hype begins clubbing him in the back of the knee but is felled by a chop block from Evil-Borg who shouts about … THE AFTERWARD! And begins to stomp Hype’s left knee. Hyperion swings wildly to get free and then finally pushes him away. He crawls to his knees and launches a flurry of haymakers to Evil Borg’s torso. Heavymetal-Borg WHOOOOOOPS on the outside in support of his leader.
King: Why is Hype so violent to the Borg here?
Hawke: Well Hype has a history with the trons and the Borgs are basically black mirror, dark multiverse trons I guess so …
King: … Hype has a violent history with a lot of the roster it seems.
Hyperion hooks Evil Borg and hoists him with a double handed choke before tossing him. EB hits Eddie in the back loosening the bear hug.
: Master has weakened the stability of the mighty bear hug. Commencing tear producing cycle.
On the rebound Hype grabs EB and turns to run and ram him into the cage but is met by the most graceful of black crows. Lord Dominicus drops off the cage and springboards off the top rope catching Hyperion with an asai DDT. The Demon’s Invert! Dominicus signals to EB and EB helps lift up Hyperion into the Bat-Hanging Lock.
King: THE DOMINILOCK IS LOCKED IN!
Hawke: Hype is way too large and heavy for this.
Sure enough Hype’s bulk causes LD to stumble and fall face first to the mat after three seconds. Hyperion rolls to his feet and boots EB in the face sending him sprawling. Eddie D has shifted the weakened submission and goes for a side suplex … but Dylan escapes and does a back roll to behind Eddie … where he immediately gets a donkey kick to the dick. Dylan’s face contorts and he puts his hand on Eddie’s shoulder to stabilize himself. Eddie grabs him and puts his head under Dylan’s arm like a northern lights suplex. But then he just pushes him with all his might and rams him into Dev as Dev stands up sandwiching Dev into the cage. Dylan crumples to the mat. Eddie sees Dev who softened his strike to Dylan and he beal tosses Dev across the ring where his arm drapes over the top of Hyperion.
ONE!
Hyperion VIOLENTLY rolls over to toss Dev’s arm off the pin. Hyperion slowly stands but is met by a dual kick assault from the Evil Duo. Kicks and chops fly from both sides as Hype tries to deflect, block or catch some of them. Dev rolls to his stomach and tries to stand with his hands still in his pockets and inadvertently trips Evil Borg who pratfalls over Dev then over sells it out of shock and indignation.
King: Oh no! Evil Borg may need an ambulance!
Hawke: More like a waaaaah-mbulance.
: Statement: Commentators should show master respect or pain will come to them.
King: What like in … THE AFTERMATH or whatever?
: QUERY: Do you know what a rocket punch to a human skull does to the brain?
Hawke: Yes sir. Please go away now we’ll be nice.
Evil Borg’s acting allows Hyperion to catch the leg of Dominicus and pull him into a spinebuster. Dev stands up and sees Hype. He looks Hype up and down and then winds up. Lazy superkick. Hype is not amused. Another kick to the shin. And another. Hyperion is now tapping his toe angrily like a pissed off Sonic the Hedgehog from the vintage Genesis games. Dev winds up for another superkick and instead gets a lariat that flips him twice over and lands him on his back staring at the ceiling. His glasses fly ten feet into the air.
King: OOOOF! Devastating First Principle from Hyperion to Dev and the poor guy looks to be in the absolute laziest coma I have ever seen.
Hawke: His glasses are still in the air.
Hyperion catches the sunglasses and crushes them. Hyperion now grabs Evil-Borg and begins to slam his face into the cage, the helmet deadening SOME of the blows. Eddie D now has Dylan to his feet and whips him off the ropes and on the return hits a spine buster. He pins.
ONE!
Dylan kicks out.
Eddie smirks and nods in approval. Dylan however uses his cybernetic right leg to plant a kick full force onto Eddie’s tricky left knee. Eddie yelps in pain. Dylan fires another kick. Eddie drops to his knee. Dylan rolls to his feet and drops Eddie with a DDT. Lord Dominicus sneaks up behind Hype. He taps him on the shoulder. Hype turns to see LD wave then drop into a split and punch Hype square in the crotch. Hype releases EB in agony. Evil then kicks him in the dick hard. LD rolls out of the split and gives a thumbs up and puts the destroyed sunglasses of Dev on his head.
Hawke: I … did … did Lord Dominicus just go full Johnny Cage on Hype?
King: Well if Dev could speak he’d be saying those were $500 sunglasses asshole so … I guess so.
Evil Borg pins Hyperion.
ONE!
TWO!
Dylan breaks it up with a kick to the face of EB.
Dylan now pulls Evil Borg away from the pack and sends him over the ropes to the apron. He sprints off the ropes and hits a huge shotgun dropkick sending EB through the cage door and to the ringside floor outside the cage but within the glass cell. Eddie D slowly gets to his feet gingerly putting weight on his left knee. He looks at the carnage and laughs. He picks up Dev and slowly drags him to the ropes. He hits an overhead belly to belly to the middle of the ring. Dylan now has Evil Borg against the glass and is sending knees to the helmet crashing it off the super thick glass. Eddie leans over to grab Dev again but LD comes off the ropes with a block buster.
King: This is insane.
Eddie bounces right to his feet holding his head. He turns around and LD is running at him. Eddie grabs but LD slides through his leg then hits a chop block to that left knee. LD again runs off the ropes and comes crashing into Eddie with a dropkick. Eddie is popped back to his feet by the move. He grabs an arm but LD front flips to the mat, rolls over, kips up and torques the shoulder before yanking out the shoulder trying to dislocate it. Eddie turns and again LD is gone using his agility to his advantage. Dylan pulls EB to his feet He whips him at the glass cell and EB crashes into it in cartoonish fashion and slides down to the floor. LD does a backroll to get behind Eddie and dodges that donkey kick. He grabs the leg and yanks sending Eddie face first to the mat. Suddenly a loud metal sound echoes throughout the arena. Everyone looks up and Hyperion has ripped the cage door off its hinges and barrels into Eddie D as he stands up. He then swings it wildly slamming it over the head of LD. He lays it over Eddie D and runs off the ropes. He comes back with a huge running stomp to the cage door on the chest of Eddie.
Hawke: Holy hell Hyperion is angry.
King: How did he DO that?
: STATEMENT: The forces required to rip a door off its hinges vary greatly based on the need for the door to be removed from the hinges for plot purposes.
Hawke: … What?
: Mecha-Goldbear IV wishes to commence the hugging.
MGB4 begins to robo plod around to the ramp side of the cell where Dylan is now using his knee to choke EB against the cell wall. Hyperion pulls LD to his feet and chokes him. He hoists him in the air and stalls looking for the High One. He turns, laughing, until he sees an irate Dev who is breathing heavy. He removes his hands from his pocket and charges with a sliding dropkick to the left knee of Hype. Hype drops LD. Dev is now playing for real and comes off the ropes with a leg drop bulldog. He keeps the momentum up and hits Eddie D with a running senton on the cage door. He stands up and pumps his arms as he runs at Hyperion and hits him with his own First Principle!
Hawke: He ACTUALLY got Hype off his feet.
Dev comes off the ropes again and hooks the leg with a jackknife pin.
ONE!
KIckout from Hype.
Hype is more confused than dazed. Dev lays the stomps in on Hype. LD slowly crawls to the cage door and pulls out to the floor outside. Eddie D rolls the cage door off of him and slowly tries to come to his senses. Outside the ring Dylan is mouthing off at HM Borg through the glass as he just stomps on EB. Suddenly a click is heard. And Mecha-Goldbear IV lanches a rocket punch at the glass cell! It puts a small chip in the glass. Dylan sighs with relief. He picks up EB and suplexes him on the floor. MGB4 reattaches his hand then winds up with a windmill punch and the cracks extend out from the chip. He punches it over and over. HM Borg chants metal lyrics and bangs his head. Dylan is beginning to look worried.
King: Can he break that super thick glass?
Hawke: It’s bulletproof not Giant Gundam proof.
Dylan sets up EB for the Dynamic Outro … when MGB4 launches both fists at the cracks and the entire center of the glass wall of the cell explodes inward creating a hole 2/3 the size of the wall horizontally and vertically! Glass rains down on Dylan acting more like falling rocks than glass. HM and MGB4 charge into the hole in the cell and begin to attack. HM traps Dylan with the Headbanger’s Ball series of headbutts. Dylan stumbles back and barely avoids a huge swinging clothesline from the ten foot tall robot bear mech. Dylan grabs at HM and hits a DDT. A huge robot hand swats at him and sends him flying back to the cage. Dinosaur Bones uses this time to come into the cell and uses his tail to break a hole in the cage accidentally. He tries to bite at Dylan. Dylan avoids it.
King: THIS IS CARNAGE!
Hawke: The outside interference has begun. All on the side of the Evil Duo! Can the other four men survive this onslaught?
Dylan moves away from DB and gets a robot hand to the back again. The bear begins to punch Dylan hard. The only thing saving him is his legs are also metal and his turtling has them taking the blows. Eddie D steps through the hole in the cage and sends the detached door out. It hits HM Borg who goes down hard. Eddie hits a double axe handle to the dread lord who roars and swings his tail. The tail smacks Dylan in the chest instead sending him sprawling. Dylan knows he needs to even the odds. He rolls to his hands and knees clutching his chest and crawls quickly to avoid a shot from MGB4. He ends up underneath the monster mech. He says a little prayer to himself then reaches up the bottom of the robot how he learned from watching Rob Arnold!
Hawke: WE CAN’T SHOW DYLAN GIVING A REACH AROUND TO A ROBOT BEAR ON TV!
King: … That’s where you draw the line?
Hawke: I mean … standards and practices have to come in SOMEWHERE King.
Dylan finds what he’s after, and the bear suddenly begins to power down. But Dylan has other plans. He uses his cybernetic hands to launch an electric pulse frying the circuits to assure MGB is out for the rest of the match, no on switch today. Unfortunately this causes MGB4 to vent all his bodily fluids straight down on Dylan who gasps for air spitting oil and mech fluid everywhere.
Hawke: OH SICK, GROSS!
King: I mean is that a golden shower, a Cleveland Steamer or a Dylan Dumper?
HM Borg runs to attend to his robot but suddenly he is grabbed from behind. Eddie D pulls HM Borg in and hits the Headache from Hell. Dinosaur Bones has now caught the scent of slacker. Dev comes flying out of the ring to attack him but a well placed tail swing clubs Dev to the floor outside the cage. DB is about to eat Dev when suddenly a man appears on the ramp smoking an Egyptian cigarette. Armand von Krauss has brought backup. Tuck, Hehehe and Hahaha flank him to the ring. Tuck grabs Evil Borg and begins to beat him up with fists and backhands. Lord Dominicus charges in and kicks Tuck away. Armand sees Dylan struggling for his life in the horrible bath he just took and laughs. Hehehe and Hahaha charge into the cell and go under the ring coming out the other side with three tables between the two of them. They follow Armand’s orders and head to the side of the cell and set two of them up next to each other and the third on top and pour something on all the tables. At this point however Dinosaur Bones has attacked Armand. Armand is able to avoid the tail swipes but a bite clamps down on his arm. In the cell Eddie D now has his hands on Dev. Hehehe and Hahaha have now charged in and are beating down LD and EB. Armand signals to them to break away and they pull a move out of Lost World: Jurassic Park and use rope nooses on long sticks to tie DB’s neck with them. They slowly drag him away to the backstage area. Armand tries to nurse his wounds but Dylan is to his feet, soaked in Mecha-Goldbear’s fluids.
Hawke: I don’t even know what to say. Eddie D and Hyperion are now beating down the evil duo and Dev. Dylan is now staring down Armand.
Eddie D picks up Dev and barrels him into the cell with a shoulder block. Dev comes off the cell and gets a full nelson bomb from the Big Deal. Hyperion is fending off a two man attack from the Evil duo. He manages to boot LD in the chest. LD takes this chance to roll under the ring. Dylan has Armand by the suit. Armand blows smoke in his face and laughs as Tuck attacks Dylan from behind. LD comes out from under the ring and sets up a ladder. He is about to scale it to attack Hype when Armand snaps his fingers and Tuck begins to drag a greasy disgusting Dylan to the ladder. LD sees Dylan struggling … and offers to help him. Dylan says fine … so LD punches him in the nuts.
King: OOOH! THAT’S SO EVIL!
Hawke: And now Tuck is dragging Dylan up the ladder while LD cackles maniacally.
Hyperion takes this chance to beal toss Evil Borg into Heavymetal. HM slides back and hits the robot which topples landing on top of him. Evil Borg yells in agony at his fallen friends! He turns to Hyperion who just laughs. Tuck and Dylan are now struggling and Dylan manages to escape onto the top of the glass cell. Tuck tries to join him but the ladder is slippery from Dylan’s goop. Yeah … so he slips and he ends up hanging from the top of the cell with one foot dangling and the other trapped on the ladder. Dylan laughs and stomps his hand and Tuck falls to the ground incapacitated. Eddie D sees this happening and abandons Dev who slumps to the floor. He is about to follow Dylan when Armand stops him. He points to the tables. Eddie laughs. He looks to the evil duo and mouths instructions. They both cackle and climb the ladder following Dylan. Dylan looks concerned. As they reach the top, they leap to the cell, much more gracefully than Tuck. Armand laughs but is stopped when Hyperion comes from nowhere and grabs him. He hoists Armand in a choke and walks up the ramp. He then hits the High One off the stage and through the spotlight. Eddie lights the tables on fire then sees what has happened. He holds his head in his hands. He then spies Dev and grabs him. He rolls him into the ring!
King: I think Eddie just realized he’s all alone with Dev in the ring.
Hawke: The only place a pinfall can even happen.
Dylan is now trading strikes with the two lightweight fighters. Suddenly EB pulls something from his EVIL utility belt! He aims a can at Dylan but Dylan kicks it from his hand then hits a European Uppercut to him. He then catches the can and sprays Dominicus in the face with it.
King:OH MY GOD! Evil Borg brought that can in and now LD is getting it in the head. … What is it?
Hawke: It appears to be … BANG! Fish Attractant Spray! LD is rolling on the cell trying to get the stinky fluid out of his mask. Some asshole in the crowd has now thrown a fish onto the cell.
King: Real classy Java.
The fish flops there towards LD then dies. LD tries to stand then slips on the fish and pratfalls to his keister. Eddie D pulls Dev to his feet in the ring and hits a brain buster. He rolls on top for the pin. Hyperion barrels down the ramp.
ONE!
Hype gets into the cell.
TWO!
Hype slides into the ring.
THRE-
Hype pulls Eddie off of Dev.
Dev rolls out to the apron where the cage is intact. He looks out of it. Meanwhile EB is maneuvering Dylan. Dylan is not taking any damage from the evil one but is being manipulated. Dylan suddenly finds he is right at the edge of the cell overlooking three flaming tables. He mouths, “Fuck me…” He blocks a kick from EB and smiles. He pushes the leg down and hooks him for a belly to belly but again is forced to break the hold as LD slides between EB’s legs and hits Dylan with a kick to the nuts, For those counting that’s 3 low blows to Dylan tonight.
King: Dylan’s gonna need robot balls after tonight …
LD and EB pick up Dylan and double powerbomb him off the cell sending him crashing to the floor through all three tables. The goop he was soaked in turns out to be very flammable and he ignites.
Hawke: He may need robot skin too after that.
Dylan rolls around among shattered splintered wood and manages to roll towards the crowd where ringside technicians douse him in water to put him out. LD and EB laugh at the edge of the cell maniacally! Dylan is surely out of …. He’s moving. Dylan is somehow rolling over. He is in agony and blistered. Dylan leans on the barricade to show he is alive. LD shakes his fist at Dylan … EB takes a step back … then gently nudges LD forward with a palm to the back. LD teeters dramatically.
LD: CURSE YOUR SUDDEN BUT INEVITABLE BETRAYAL!!!
LD does a front flip off the cell and comes crashing crotch first onto Dylan and chin first onto the brarricade. LD holds his balls with one hand and chin with the other and appears out of it. Dylan pulls his head from the crotch of LD making vomit motions with his mouth. Both lay there on the ground. Evil looks satisfied … but um … how is he going to get down? Eddie and Hyperion are now squaring off in the ring. They trade punches back and forth neither getting an advantage. Hyperion finally hits a headbutt on Eddie and smirks. Eddie however shakes it off and head butts him back. “Nobody’s skull is thicker than mine!” Eddie whispers to Hype as he hits another headbutt then a scoop body slam. He holds onto Hype and stands up with him still set up and hits a World’s Strongest Slam.
ONE!
TWO!
THR-Hyperion powers his shoulders off the mat.
King: Eddie D almost took the X*Crown back to SWAT with that move.
Eddie pulls Hyperion up by the hair. He hits a gut buster. Hype is on his hands and knees when Dev sprints in and springs off of Hyperion! But Eddie D catches him and laughs. He then lawn darts Dev into the steel cage wall with a running start and Dev rebounds into the ring and rolls back. Eddie picks him up and belly to belly suplexes him over the top rope through the hold in the cage wall to the floor outside. Dev is a broken heap at this point. Eddie D stands tall in the ring trash talking. Evil Borg has managed to get to the ladder and is on his way down. He has to go slow from the Mecha-Goldbear goop on it from Dylan. Eddie D turns back to Hyperion who sends a punch from his knees to the gut. He hits another. And a third. Eddie lifts a knee to the chest of Hype which pops him to his feet. Hyperion somehow swings for the First Principle but Eddie manages to duck underneath it and as Hype turns … HEADACHE FROM HELL!
Hawke: Another Stunner from Eddie D! It’s as good as over.
Evil Borg sees the carnage in the ring and moves to get there but is stopped by Lord Dominicus grabbing his leg. He turns and LD pulls him down with a dragon screw. LD tells him this evil betrayal must be accounted for! He lifts Evil into the Domini-Lock! LD’s back is to the ring as EB howls in pain but can’t submit outside the ring. The BANG! Spray in Dominicus’s mask seems to have deafened him as he doesn’t hear EB telling him to look in the ring.
ONE!
TWO!
THRE- foot on the ropes.
Eddie is in shock that Hype is awake at all. He runs off the ropes and comes back with a big splash!
ONE!
TWO!
THREE-NO!
Hyperion JUST manages to roll the shoulder. Eddie is now mad. He starts trash talking Hyperion. He sits him up just to kick him in the chest.
Hawke: It looks like Eddie D has this locked up if Hype would just stay down.
King: Yes but that is a hard feat to accomplish. Like getting a date with Nelly Angel as your wingman.
Hawke: … Really?
King: Dude has NO game. Randy … now that’s a wing man.
Eddie D hauls Hyperion to his feet. Hype somehow finds the life in him to punch Eddie. Eddie recoils. He turns back to Hype and gets another punch. Hype stands to his full height, wobbles, then stiffens himself. He rains punches down on Eddie. Hype gets it going … when suddenly … kick to the gut, Stunner!
King: ANOTHER HEADACHE FROM HELL!
Hyperion is now drooling spittle and looks quite dead. Eddie laughs and puts one foot on his chest.
ONE!
TWO!
THRE-NO! Hype lifts his shoulder.
Eddie looks at him in shock. He pins with a hook of the leg.
ONE!
TWO!
THRE-foot on the ropes!
Hyperion refuses to die. Eddie now looks angry. Outside the ring Evil-Borg has managed to tickle Lord Dominicus under the armpit and broken the hold. The two are now trading punches and evil one-liners as they slowly go up the ramp. Eddie D lifts Hyperion’s ragdoll body up … FULL NELSON! The full nelson is locked in. Eddie is torqueing it and thrashing left and right. Hyperion is fading fast. The ref checks his arm. It falls.
ONE!
He checks the arm again, it falls.
TWO!
He checks it a third time but from nowhere comes a burned and beaten Dylan Black to break up the submission! HEADSTRONG! The poisonrana to break it up puts Eddie to the mat.
Hawke: HOW THE HELL IS DYLAN EVEN BREATHING!
King: Apparently he didn’t want to lose his crown to a man’s crotch from 20 feet in the air.
Dylan reaches to the mat and grabs something. Hyperion slowly rises next to him. CRACK!
King: MDK FROM DYLAN!
Hawke: That damn baseball bat to the face! Hyperion is bleeding profusely from the nose and is down and out.
Hyperion rolls away. Dylan runs off the ropes and catches Eddie D with the Disasterpiece bicycle knee strike. He pins Eddie.
ONE!
TWO!
Kickout!
Eddie has too much life left. Dylan pulls him up to his feet and goes for the wheelbarrow facebuster but Eddie turns it into a full nelson bomb! He runs off the ropes for the big splash and pins.
ONE!
TWO!
THRE-No! Dylan kicks out.
Hawke: Geez to keep Dylan down you need to kill him.
Both men are slow to their feet and the brawling evil duo have begun to roll back to the ring as they tussle and roll down the ramp. Eddie is the first to his feet and hits a big scoop slam. He then signals it’s over. He climbs to the second rope. Dylan kips up and pushes his legs to the side and immediately hits the punt to the dick.
King: NOT AGAIN! Gold Rush from Dylan to Eddie D. The only saving grace was the lack of a windup and running start.
Evil Borg slides into the ring and instinctively kicks him in the gut. Package Piledriver (Royal Massacre). EB rolls out of the ring. Dylan looks to Hype crawling along the ring and charges with the Dynamic Outro! That brutal stomp. He rolls Hype over.
ONE!
TWO!
Lord Dominicus breaks it up with a running senton.
LD and Dylan now begin trading blows. Eddie D stumbles towards them in agony and the three tired men all begin assaulting each other. Eddie gets a headbutt on Dylan and he stumbles but this lets LD hit Eddie D with the Darkness! (Sliced Bread #2) He covers but Dylan immediately pulls him away and hits a huge Royal Massacre. Dylan stands alone in the ring. Hyperion is bloody and out cold in one corner. Eddie D is down and exhausted in another. Evil Borg and LD are in the other two corners broken and beaten. Dylan stands alone burned, beaten, but alive. Suddenly he is rolled up from behind!
King: OH MY GOD IT’S DEV!
Hawke: HE’S GONNA STEAL IT!
ONE!
TWO!
THRE-Dylan rolls backwards out of the cradle and catches Dev as he stumbles.
Dylan glares at a tired Dev and Dev shrugs. RAGNAROK!
ONE!
TWO!
THREE!
Bonnie Jenkins: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN YOUR WINNER BY PINFALL AND STILL XHF X*CROWN CHAMPION …. DYLAN BLACK!
King: Dylan somehow survived! It’s over!
Hawke: Dylan is out to be the best X*Crown Champ in recent memory and he took a HUGE step to overcome the efforts of a dominant Eddie D and a powerful teamup of evil.
King: Let’s be real Dylan overcame Eddie D AND his KGB minions or Armand, Tuck, Hehehe, and Hahaha. He survived Dinosaur Bones and Lord Dominicus, he survived two borgs and a ten foot battle bear mech. And he overcame Dev and Hyperion in the ring.
Dylan is handed his X*Crown belt and he holds it in the air as he falls to his knees. He smiles to the camera and we zoom in on his face.
Hawke: Well what an end to the global XHF show slate for 2020. It's been a hell of a year and we thank you for sticking with us through it all. We've seen some titles change hands tonight and we've had some fun.
King: Indeed. We hope to see you all in 2021 for Supremacy! For Joey Hawke, I'm Jerry the King Lawler and good night XHF Network!
"Historia Calamitatum" by Rise Against again blares over the speakers as we get an aerial shot of the Chicken Church. We run through a highlight reel of all the biggest spots of the night and each winner getting a spotlight. The XHF logo flashes on screen as the feed fades to black.
King: Dodo a Gogo won the title’s when they defeated former champions Sky Force, and the Purple Emperors won thru this prestigious tourney to get the shot at them.
Hawke: More prestigious than their Tag Trials in SWAT. Talk about a self indulgent job fest that was.
King: Look at them costumes Hawke! Anna is the hottest Joker I have ever seen! And Lisa even better as Harley Quinn!
Hawke: What about the Purple Ones. Radu is The Thing with Two heads, and Caffrey …. (sings) The Phantommmmmmm of the opera is ….. Lame.
King: What Phantom? I can’t take my eyes off of Harley.
Hawke: Referee calling for the bell, and we are getting under way. Anna starting off for the Emperors and Anna for the Champs.
[Radu and Anna circle each other and Radu goes to work with some left and right hand punches. Anna is reeling, Radu stays on her and lands a spinning drop toe hold then tags in Caffrey. Caffrey enters the ring and lays into Anna with some big chest chops.]
King: Oi Caffrey! Watch out for that chest! Them puppies should be motorboated, not chopped!
Hawke: You are a pig! She is not an object you know, she is a WRESTLER!
King: An attractive wrestler who I want to massage them puppies better for.
Hawke: All women are not just puppies and rats you know.
King: Says YOU!
[Caffrey slaps Anna across the face. Anna slaps him back and then Caffrey tries to slap her multiple times slapping the shit out of her but she keeps slapping him back. Anna starts boxing Caffrey. A left jab, a right jab, an uppercut, she is bouncing around and then goes to work on his solar plexes. Caffey is sucking in the air, he is no boxer. Anna tags in Lisa and she comes over the top rope in and plants Caffrey with an X Factor.]
Hawke: The Phantom is not much of a pugilist.
King: Who cares. Look at Harley! She can give ME the X Factor!
Hawke: Harley and Caffrey get to their feet and Caffrey gets control and locks on a side headlock. He grinds on it and reaches out and tags in Radu.
King: Radu comes in and crunches her with a belly to belly overhead suplex.
[Radu stays on Lisa and delivers a wheel barrow piledriver. Radu covers and Lisa kicks out at two. Lisa delivers a sit out jawbreaker to Radu and then tags in Anna. Anna comes in and nails Radu with a beautiful Savate kick, that sends one of his two heads off his shoulders to the mat.]
Hawke: Wow! Radu’s has lost one of his heads. He instinctively grabs Anna and bulldogs her. Then, reaches down and grabs the head that fell off from his costume, and spinning back fists (heads) Anna with it, brains and slime coming out everywhere. Radu then brain busters Anna onto the severed head.
King: What a shot! Would you call that a head job?
Hawke:Will you please?
King: Radu tags in Caffrey. Caffrey enters the ring and executes a leg sweep DDT.
[Caffrey goes to work on Anna, stomping on her ankle repeatedly. Radu drops off the apron and heads to the back.]
King: What’s this? Is Radu leaving Caffrey stranded?
Hawke: Caffrey wondering the same thing as he watches him go thru the curtain to the back.
King: Anna takes advantage of the distraction and lands a Tiger suplex to another Tiger suplex to...an Australian "suplex".
Hawke: That rattled his brains. Cover by Anna and Caffrey kicks out at two.
[Lisa tags in and the girls double team Caffrey. First with a double super kick, then a double monkey flip, the crowd popping.]
King: The Sacrificial Idol has seen the light. He has ditched this blow hard Caffrey and left him stranded, in the final no less!
Hawke: Radu is all in with SWAT! He has given every ounce of his body for them over the years, and for him to sit back and watch Caffrey besmirch them, it only makes sense.
King: Couldn’t agree with you more Hawke, this team never made sense to me, all the happy best friend embracing shit, it was a mystery to me, but now, we see all to just leave this hump hanging.
Hawke:As they say. You reap what you sow.
[Radu heads back up to the ring, now in a new costume, Tetsuo giant mutant from the end of AKIRA. The crowd breathe a sigh of relief he hasn’t actually ditched Caffrey, and Caffrey does also seeing him return, well, most of the crowd.]
King: Caffrey getting a second wind, seeing Radu return has brought him back to life and he grabs the ankle of Lisa and THE PROCESS!!!
Hawke: Caffrey with the Process ankle lock on Lisa! The same move that tapped the legendary Death Trap out in the semi’s.
King: That was weird right? The man who never taps, taps in a tag team final to a move which previously didn’t phase him to win the X Crown?
Hawke: This one had spiders and bugs involved though.
[Lisa taps also. Caffrey celebrates and then Anna enters the ring and reminds him, its elimination and the fight is not over yet.]
King: Anna, you are a magnificent wrestler and if you play your cards right, could well become wife number five for the King, but let’s face it, you can’t beat these two guys on your own.
Hawke: She couldn’t beat them with an entire army.
[Caffrey tags in Radu and Deathless enters the ring. He grabs Anna and hoists her up over his head and double arm sit out choke slams her into the mat.]
King: Deathless still has some life in them battered bones. He tags in Caffrey and Caffrey almost takes Anna’s head off with a roaring elbow.
Hawke: Caffrey covers and Anna kicks out at two.
King: Again, Radu heads to the back.
Hawke:It’s his costume, I can see it, that one just wasn’t working.
[Anna with a handspring elbow on Caffrey. Caffrey with a Full Nelson (Dreams and Nightmares). Anna with a 720 DDT. She covers and Caffrey kicks out at two. Caffrey with a surfboard stretch on Anna. King gets excited at ringside as Anna gyrates her hips in the air. Caffrey loses it and throws her off him and then goes for a big forearm which she counters into Multiple revolution tilt-a-whirl headscissors twisted into an implant DDT.]
King: Anna with a cover but Caffrey kicks out at two.
Hawke: Here comes Radu again, I presume its Radu! It’s KING KONG!
King: It could be anyone!
Hawke: It’s Radu, that crippled limp says it all!
[Brotherly Love by Caffrey (legsweep DDT). He tags in King Kong and Radu enters the ring and delivers a devastating Axe Bomber!. Omukade Press!! Jumping double stomp to the face/chest with enough force that it almost looks like a senton, but he just took his opponent's head off. Matei ends up on top for the pin.]
Bonnie Jenkins: Ladies and gentlemen your winners and NEW XHF Global Tag Team Champions … Anthony Caffrey, Radu Matei …….. PURPLE EMPERORS!
King: Cover by Matei …. He got it!
Hawke: NEW WORLD TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS!
King: Radu and Caffrey did it!
Hawke: Never in doubt.
King: Valiant effort by Anna. I will gladly give her some pointers after the show.
Hawke: No doubt you will. Well done to the Purple Emperors! Tag Team Champions of the XHF!!!
Hawke: And now we have arrived at our main event of the evening. The steel cage and glass cell will be lowered after everyone is in the ring. The X*Crown has bounced around a bit this year, starting on Maverick and going through a few months in SWAT with Zoran Sainovic before Anthony Caffrey won the rumble. He was dethroned by Death Trap two months later, and Rob Arnold a month after that. Now Dylan Black holds the belt and has really been making an effort to be seen.
King: He has to, J-ROK won't book the guy. Biggest draw on the network holding the top title, in demand from CW, DW, and others and the idiots in Japan won't book the guy cuz he's a disrespectful gaijin. Anyhow let's see if he can survive here tonight.
Bonnie Jenkins: Ladies and gentlemen it is time for the main event of the evening. The following is a Doomsday Cage match scheduled for one fall and is for the XHF X*Crown Championship. Entering first ... at 210 pounds and 5 feet 10 inches, from Cape Town, South Africa ... representing Destiny Wrestling ... "The Most Electrifying Man in all of Professional Wrestling", "The Show Stealer", "Mister Sunday Nights", "Your Favourite Wrestler", "The King of Strong Style", "The Five Hundred and Four Minute Man", "The Shaman of Sexy", "The Mayor of Slam Town", "Big Match Dev", "The Greatest of All Time", "The Best Wrestler Alive" ... "BIG MATCH" DEV!
King: WAS ALL THAT REALLY NECESSARY BONNIE?!
Hawke: It's the pay-per-view ... I guess you get what you pay for.
"Footrace" by Viper hits the speakers and a pair of dice with the word Destiny adorn the Xtremetron. Dev slowly strolls onto the stage looking unbothered by anything. His face has his shades, his pockets hold his hands. He slowly, casually, walks to the ring. The slow walk puts the Undertaker to shame. He looks at he crowd and rolls into the ring never removing his hands from his pockets. He gets to the center of the ring and pulls off his shades... to find another pair underneath. He drops the first pair into his back pocket then puts both hands up and puts them slowly into his front pockets again.
Bonnie Jenkins: Entering next ... representing GUNS ... at 5 feet 11 inches and 225 pounds, from ... THE AFTERWARD, being accompanied by Heavymetal-Borg ... he is EVIL-BORG!
"Am I Evil" by Metallica hits the speakers and the stage fills with mist. Strobe lights go on all throughout the arena. Evil-Borg and Heavymetal-Borg come out together and Heavymetal-Borg is air guitaring to the music. They make their way to the ring throwing up the devil horns and threatening fans. Evil climbs into the ring and Heavymetal head bangs on the outside until the match starts.
Bonnie Jenkins: Entering next, representing NPW, at 6 feet and 180 pounds, from Parts Unknown, he is the current reigning NPW North American Cruiserweight Champion, and he would like me to add the ONLY singles champion in NPW, being accompanied by the "Dread Lord" Dinosaur Bones, the REAL ... LORD DOMINICUS!
The stadium falls into darkness as light piano music sets a sophisticated tone while a single spotlight slowly opens up on the entrance way. Smoke pours from the back and the sides and the front because this is just a heck of a lot of smoke- probably more than any one entrant needs. Suddenly a roar slices through all this veneer of safety and style as we're rocked into the hard guitar of "The Bear Song" by Green Jelly. Out from the back comes the face....OF A DINOSAUR!? Yes! It's feared wrestler, Dinosaur Bones! But as he whips around, showing that his mask is firmly affixed to his face he's accidentally becoming a bucking bronco for the real star of this match- LORD DOMINICUS!
LD: ONWARD MY STEED! TO VICTORY AND UTTER DESTRUCTION!
"The Dread Lord" Dinosaur Bones roars again as he carries his rider (Lord Dominicus) through the thick smoke and down the entrance ramp to the ring, finally getting them next to the ring. LD gracefully steps off of his seemingly inflatable steed and....totally misses the apron and falls directly onto the mats outside the ring. BUT HE'S BACK UP QUICKLY and after a boost from Dinosaur Bones, the noblest and MOST DREADED of mounts, he's in the ring. Dominicus scowls at the crowd (probably it's hard to tell with the mask) while Dinosaur Bones takes a jog around the outside of the ring to see if there's anyone to intimidate/eat.
Hawke: Now it would appear Dominicus and Evil-Borg may be trying to form an evil alliance and team up. But it is also interesting both of them are the only ones bringing backup tonight.
King: I mean Dinosaur Bones, Heavymetal-Borg, and if Mecha-Goldbear makes an appearance are all going to be outside the super thick glass cell so, who knows if they will even get into this match.
Bonnie Jenkins: And next ... representing the AWF, at 6 feet 9 inches and 310 pounds ... hailing from New York, New York ... James Knox, better known as the Mad Titan ... HYPERION!
As the opening chords of 'Gently' by Slipknot begin to play, the arena lights darken completely. The crowd reacts in a mixture of cheers and heckles to the melody of Hyperion's entrance; the darkness blanketing everyone. Hyperion appears from a distance, walking through the crowd, tall and fierce. A single golden spotlight shines on him as he makes his way to the ring until he climbs over the barrier and approaches the ring steps. He pauses at the side, looking into the crowd with a scowl on his face, before raising his fist over his head to more shouts from the audience. He enters over the top rope and prepares for stares down all 3 other men in the ring already.
Hawke: Here is where we get interesting, all three previous men are firmly in the light heavyweight category. Our next two are not. Hyperion is the largest in this match towering over the closest competition by over half a foot and owning a 7 pound advantage over the next man up.
King: But in this match sometimes that agility is what you need. Can Hyperion reclaim his old glory tonight or will his former Team Fuck Mongo partner retain the title in spite of him.
"Cave" by Muse blares and Eddie D walks out with a black and white montage video playing on the screens of him weight training and hitting his favorite moves on people, flashing up in negative to the beat of the music. He regularly threatens rude fans, tears up opponents fan posters on his way to the ring, has vicious one liner for an "ugly" fan, he walks confidently and slowly to the ring. Raises his hands to accept the praise he feels he is due, but the crowd erupt in a chorus of boos and jeers.
Bonnie Jenkins: Introducing now, representing SWAT and hailing from Vernon, California, USA. Coming in at 6’ and 303 pounds he is the reigning SWAT Renegade Champion .... THE BIG DEAL .... EDDIE D!!!
As Eddie D enters the ring, the lights dim to a near-pitch black. Green smoke covers the stage as some brooding ominous music begins to play. A hole opens in the stage and bright white light emits from it. A chair... no, a throne rises from said hole. Big and bulky. The lights turn dark green as the smoke fades, the occasional white light flashing around the crowd like a bolt of lightning. The chair comes all the way up through the ground, with a loud clang! The crowd leans in with the baited breath, as the lights come up.
We see the back of a man, clad in silver armor, with a white sleeveless cloak over it. He turns around, and we see a mask over his face. He removes the hood of his cloak and his jet-black hair falls out. He slowly removes the mask, then cloak and chest plate as Bonnie Jenkins make the announcement.
Bonnie Jenkins: And introducing the final opponent, atop the stage there. Standing at 6'2" and weighing 218 pounds, he is the current reigning XHF X*Crown Champion! All the way from Boston, Massachusetts, representing J-ROK ... "The Messiah of Mayhem" DYLAN BLACK!
He stands atop the stage, reaching out as a few chicks clad in similar getup surround him. Each carrying one championship; the ICW World Championship, the GWA World Championship, and the EPW World Heavyweight Championship. They place the ICW and GWA belts around his neck, intertwined like how John Cena used to carry the two championships. The EPW title is placed around his waist. He stands there posing, all godlike before a fourth championship is procured. His custom-made X*Crown Championship. He looks longing at it, before kissing it and carrying it in his hand. The throne descends into the floor as he makes his way down the ramp, arms tightly around the titles. He rolls into the ring, wasting no time tossing the four titles to the referee as he fumbles them. The ref holds the custom belt, the representation of the X*Crown as a whole in the air as Dylan stares at the opposition.
Hawke: Ladies and gentlemen, no more delays the time is now.
King: Six men enter, one men leaves with the biggest prize in wrestling, 21 belts in one. And here comes the cage.
Sure enough a steel cage lowers down and clamps onto the ring apron. The glass hell in a cell then is lowered down to the ground giving a 4 foot area to wrestle in around the ring if you leave the cage. The air holes are all on the roof making escaping the cage ... nigh impossible ... *wink* ... the referee signals for the bell.
XHF X*CROWN CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH
Doomsday Cage Match
Hyperion (AWF) vs. Evil-Borg (GUNS) vs. Eddie D (SWAT) vs. Lord Dominicus (NPW) vs. Dev (DW) vs. Dylan Black (c) (J-ROK)
The match begins with Dev putting his hands in his pockets and leaning back into a corner. Evil Borg looks over at Lord Dominicus and they nod at each other. They charge Dylan. Dylan ducks under their attack and hits a double clothesline on the two men. Dylan steps back … INTO A SUPERKICK … from Dev … which amounts to a tap on the ankle. Dylan looks down at the slight pressure in his cybernetic leg. He then turns to Dev who shrugs and walks away. Eddie D gets right in the face of Hyperion. Hyperion grunts at him and Eddie laughs then pie faces Hype. Hype gets turned sideways but looks simply annoyed. He boots Dev as he nonchalantly walks past sending him to the ground. Hype then turns and Eddie D punches him square in the jaw. EB and LD both roll to their feet and look at each other. You can’t tell how either feels since they both wear masks.
King: We’re off to a riveting start. Seems Dev just wants to watch while the big boys play and the evil ones work over the cyborg.
Hawke: It frightens me that this sentence actually makes perfect sense … Mongo needs to be more choosy about his hires.
Eddie D begins raining punches on Hyperion who seems to be stumbled by them. The evil duo charge Dylan again but feint an attack so when Dylan goes to dodge he walks right into a double dropkick. They pick him up and hit a double hip toss. Dylan rolls to his feet and looks back at them. He cracks his neck then grabs the body of Dev from the mat, hauls him to his feet, hands still in pockets and whips him at the evil duo. Dev pulls his arms out in shock and accidentally clotheslines then both. He skids to a stop and then looks around. He puts his hands back in his pocket and walks across the ring stepping on both evil men on the way. Eddie whips Hyperion across the ring. Dev sees him coming and hits a lazy dropkick landing on his own back then kipping up … but Hype is still standing and grabs him and hurls him with a huge beal toss sending him back first into the cage. He crumples between the cage and ropes on the hard cam side of the ring and just lies there, hands in pockets, sunglasses askew on his pained face. EB and LD see this and nod in approval. Allowing Dylan to steamroll them with another double clothesline. Hyperion turns around and Eddie D hits him with a running body avalanche. Hype hits the mat.
King: Wow Eddie D has been impressive early putting Hyperion through his paces.
Hawke: Jail has a way of softening a man King. Hype may just be Knox now, his mystique and physique gone forever.
King: … Joey … you can SEE his muscles from here. Prison HARDENS men.
Hawke: And yet here Hype is taking the D.
King: … also prison.
Dylan grabs Eddie and spins him around before laying down some fists. He gets Eddie backing up before the evil duo charge in and hit a double team tackle on Eddie D. They both stand and laugh maniacally. Dylan sighs and grabs their heads and smashes them together. He sound of cloth covered flesh smacking plastic helmet echoes around the bird shaped arena. Both men stumble around like they’re drunk before Eddie hooks them both and hits a double overhead belly to belly suplex.
Hawke: Whoa! Ok now that was impressive.
Eddie smirks at Dylan and beckons him to bring it. Dylan fires off a series of chest chops with requisite “WOO!”s from the crowd. Eddie grimaces but eats the blows. Dylan kicks him in the gut and hunches him over. He hits a double axe handle and Eddie spreads his arms to the sides arching his spine in pain. He then clamps those arms around Dylan. He crushes him in a bear hug. Dylan can be heard shouting FUCK FUCK FUCK! Eddie looks him in the face and smiles. He then crushes him in the bear hug. Dylan reaches his arms out past Eddie’s head trying to grab something to release the hold. Eddie begins to swing him back and forth. While this is going down Hyperion has gotten to his feet and laid eyes on Lord Dominicus.
Hawke: What is that look Hype is giving LD?
King: Well Hype has had a long history of fighting the Nihilists in AWF. LD kinda resembles them.
Hyperion slowly stalks towards LD. LD points at him and begins shouting some evil banter and shakes his fist at Hype. He then leaps for a dropkick. Hyperion side steps it and LD crashes to the mat. Hyperion begins to stomp him mercilessly. He hoists Dominicus up and hurls him to the cage wall opposite Dev. LD catches the cage and tries to climb away. Hype grabs his leg. He tries to yank him down while LD kicks at his head with the other foot. Hype begins clubbing him in the back of the knee but is felled by a chop block from Evil-Borg who shouts about … THE AFTERWARD! And begins to stomp Hype’s left knee. Hyperion swings wildly to get free and then finally pushes him away. He crawls to his knees and launches a flurry of haymakers to Evil Borg’s torso. Heavymetal-Borg WHOOOOOOPS on the outside in support of his leader.
King: Why is Hype so violent to the Borg here?
Hawke: Well Hype has a history with the trons and the Borgs are basically black mirror, dark multiverse trons I guess so …
King: … Hype has a violent history with a lot of the roster it seems.
Hyperion hooks Evil Borg and hoists him with a double handed choke before tossing him. EB hits Eddie in the back loosening the bear hug.
: Master has weakened the stability of the mighty bear hug. Commencing tear producing cycle.
On the rebound Hype grabs EB and turns to run and ram him into the cage but is met by the most graceful of black crows. Lord Dominicus drops off the cage and springboards off the top rope catching Hyperion with an asai DDT. The Demon’s Invert! Dominicus signals to EB and EB helps lift up Hyperion into the Bat-Hanging Lock.
King: THE DOMINILOCK IS LOCKED IN!
Hawke: Hype is way too large and heavy for this.
Sure enough Hype’s bulk causes LD to stumble and fall face first to the mat after three seconds. Hyperion rolls to his feet and boots EB in the face sending him sprawling. Eddie D has shifted the weakened submission and goes for a side suplex … but Dylan escapes and does a back roll to behind Eddie … where he immediately gets a donkey kick to the dick. Dylan’s face contorts and he puts his hand on Eddie’s shoulder to stabilize himself. Eddie grabs him and puts his head under Dylan’s arm like a northern lights suplex. But then he just pushes him with all his might and rams him into Dev as Dev stands up sandwiching Dev into the cage. Dylan crumples to the mat. Eddie sees Dev who softened his strike to Dylan and he beal tosses Dev across the ring where his arm drapes over the top of Hyperion.
ONE!
Hyperion VIOLENTLY rolls over to toss Dev’s arm off the pin. Hyperion slowly stands but is met by a dual kick assault from the Evil Duo. Kicks and chops fly from both sides as Hype tries to deflect, block or catch some of them. Dev rolls to his stomach and tries to stand with his hands still in his pockets and inadvertently trips Evil Borg who pratfalls over Dev then over sells it out of shock and indignation.
King: Oh no! Evil Borg may need an ambulance!
Hawke: More like a waaaaah-mbulance.
: Statement: Commentators should show master respect or pain will come to them.
King: What like in … THE AFTERMATH or whatever?
: QUERY: Do you know what a rocket punch to a human skull does to the brain?
Hawke: Yes sir. Please go away now we’ll be nice.
Evil Borg’s acting allows Hyperion to catch the leg of Dominicus and pull him into a spinebuster. Dev stands up and sees Hype. He looks Hype up and down and then winds up. Lazy superkick. Hype is not amused. Another kick to the shin. And another. Hyperion is now tapping his toe angrily like a pissed off Sonic the Hedgehog from the vintage Genesis games. Dev winds up for another superkick and instead gets a lariat that flips him twice over and lands him on his back staring at the ceiling. His glasses fly ten feet into the air.
King: OOOOF! Devastating First Principle from Hyperion to Dev and the poor guy looks to be in the absolute laziest coma I have ever seen.
Hawke: His glasses are still in the air.
Hyperion catches the sunglasses and crushes them. Hyperion now grabs Evil-Borg and begins to slam his face into the cage, the helmet deadening SOME of the blows. Eddie D now has Dylan to his feet and whips him off the ropes and on the return hits a spine buster. He pins.
ONE!
Dylan kicks out.
Eddie smirks and nods in approval. Dylan however uses his cybernetic right leg to plant a kick full force onto Eddie’s tricky left knee. Eddie yelps in pain. Dylan fires another kick. Eddie drops to his knee. Dylan rolls to his feet and drops Eddie with a DDT. Lord Dominicus sneaks up behind Hype. He taps him on the shoulder. Hype turns to see LD wave then drop into a split and punch Hype square in the crotch. Hype releases EB in agony. Evil then kicks him in the dick hard. LD rolls out of the split and gives a thumbs up and puts the destroyed sunglasses of Dev on his head.
Hawke: I … did … did Lord Dominicus just go full Johnny Cage on Hype?
King: Well if Dev could speak he’d be saying those were $500 sunglasses asshole so … I guess so.
Evil Borg pins Hyperion.
ONE!
TWO!
Dylan breaks it up with a kick to the face of EB.
Dylan now pulls Evil Borg away from the pack and sends him over the ropes to the apron. He sprints off the ropes and hits a huge shotgun dropkick sending EB through the cage door and to the ringside floor outside the cage but within the glass cell. Eddie D slowly gets to his feet gingerly putting weight on his left knee. He looks at the carnage and laughs. He picks up Dev and slowly drags him to the ropes. He hits an overhead belly to belly to the middle of the ring. Dylan now has Evil Borg against the glass and is sending knees to the helmet crashing it off the super thick glass. Eddie leans over to grab Dev again but LD comes off the ropes with a block buster.
King: This is insane.
Eddie bounces right to his feet holding his head. He turns around and LD is running at him. Eddie grabs but LD slides through his leg then hits a chop block to that left knee. LD again runs off the ropes and comes crashing into Eddie with a dropkick. Eddie is popped back to his feet by the move. He grabs an arm but LD front flips to the mat, rolls over, kips up and torques the shoulder before yanking out the shoulder trying to dislocate it. Eddie turns and again LD is gone using his agility to his advantage. Dylan pulls EB to his feet He whips him at the glass cell and EB crashes into it in cartoonish fashion and slides down to the floor. LD does a backroll to get behind Eddie and dodges that donkey kick. He grabs the leg and yanks sending Eddie face first to the mat. Suddenly a loud metal sound echoes throughout the arena. Everyone looks up and Hyperion has ripped the cage door off its hinges and barrels into Eddie D as he stands up. He then swings it wildly slamming it over the head of LD. He lays it over Eddie D and runs off the ropes. He comes back with a huge running stomp to the cage door on the chest of Eddie.
Hawke: Holy hell Hyperion is angry.
King: How did he DO that?
: STATEMENT: The forces required to rip a door off its hinges vary greatly based on the need for the door to be removed from the hinges for plot purposes.
Hawke: … What?
: Mecha-Goldbear IV wishes to commence the hugging.
MGB4 begins to robo plod around to the ramp side of the cell where Dylan is now using his knee to choke EB against the cell wall. Hyperion pulls LD to his feet and chokes him. He hoists him in the air and stalls looking for the High One. He turns, laughing, until he sees an irate Dev who is breathing heavy. He removes his hands from his pocket and charges with a sliding dropkick to the left knee of Hype. Hype drops LD. Dev is now playing for real and comes off the ropes with a leg drop bulldog. He keeps the momentum up and hits Eddie D with a running senton on the cage door. He stands up and pumps his arms as he runs at Hyperion and hits him with his own First Principle!
Hawke: He ACTUALLY got Hype off his feet.
Dev comes off the ropes again and hooks the leg with a jackknife pin.
ONE!
KIckout from Hype.
Hype is more confused than dazed. Dev lays the stomps in on Hype. LD slowly crawls to the cage door and pulls out to the floor outside. Eddie D rolls the cage door off of him and slowly tries to come to his senses. Outside the ring Dylan is mouthing off at HM Borg through the glass as he just stomps on EB. Suddenly a click is heard. And Mecha-Goldbear IV lanches a rocket punch at the glass cell! It puts a small chip in the glass. Dylan sighs with relief. He picks up EB and suplexes him on the floor. MGB4 reattaches his hand then winds up with a windmill punch and the cracks extend out from the chip. He punches it over and over. HM Borg chants metal lyrics and bangs his head. Dylan is beginning to look worried.
King: Can he break that super thick glass?
Hawke: It’s bulletproof not Giant Gundam proof.
Dylan sets up EB for the Dynamic Outro … when MGB4 launches both fists at the cracks and the entire center of the glass wall of the cell explodes inward creating a hole 2/3 the size of the wall horizontally and vertically! Glass rains down on Dylan acting more like falling rocks than glass. HM and MGB4 charge into the hole in the cell and begin to attack. HM traps Dylan with the Headbanger’s Ball series of headbutts. Dylan stumbles back and barely avoids a huge swinging clothesline from the ten foot tall robot bear mech. Dylan grabs at HM and hits a DDT. A huge robot hand swats at him and sends him flying back to the cage. Dinosaur Bones uses this time to come into the cell and uses his tail to break a hole in the cage accidentally. He tries to bite at Dylan. Dylan avoids it.
King: THIS IS CARNAGE!
Hawke: The outside interference has begun. All on the side of the Evil Duo! Can the other four men survive this onslaught?
Dylan moves away from DB and gets a robot hand to the back again. The bear begins to punch Dylan hard. The only thing saving him is his legs are also metal and his turtling has them taking the blows. Eddie D steps through the hole in the cage and sends the detached door out. It hits HM Borg who goes down hard. Eddie hits a double axe handle to the dread lord who roars and swings his tail. The tail smacks Dylan in the chest instead sending him sprawling. Dylan knows he needs to even the odds. He rolls to his hands and knees clutching his chest and crawls quickly to avoid a shot from MGB4. He ends up underneath the monster mech. He says a little prayer to himself then reaches up the bottom of the robot how he learned from watching Rob Arnold!
Hawke: WE CAN’T SHOW DYLAN GIVING A REACH AROUND TO A ROBOT BEAR ON TV!
King: … That’s where you draw the line?
Hawke: I mean … standards and practices have to come in SOMEWHERE King.
Dylan finds what he’s after, and the bear suddenly begins to power down. But Dylan has other plans. He uses his cybernetic hands to launch an electric pulse frying the circuits to assure MGB is out for the rest of the match, no on switch today. Unfortunately this causes MGB4 to vent all his bodily fluids straight down on Dylan who gasps for air spitting oil and mech fluid everywhere.
Hawke: OH SICK, GROSS!
King: I mean is that a golden shower, a Cleveland Steamer or a Dylan Dumper?
HM Borg runs to attend to his robot but suddenly he is grabbed from behind. Eddie D pulls HM Borg in and hits the Headache from Hell. Dinosaur Bones has now caught the scent of slacker. Dev comes flying out of the ring to attack him but a well placed tail swing clubs Dev to the floor outside the cage. DB is about to eat Dev when suddenly a man appears on the ramp smoking an Egyptian cigarette. Armand von Krauss has brought backup. Tuck, Hehehe and Hahaha flank him to the ring. Tuck grabs Evil Borg and begins to beat him up with fists and backhands. Lord Dominicus charges in and kicks Tuck away. Armand sees Dylan struggling for his life in the horrible bath he just took and laughs. Hehehe and Hahaha charge into the cell and go under the ring coming out the other side with three tables between the two of them. They follow Armand’s orders and head to the side of the cell and set two of them up next to each other and the third on top and pour something on all the tables. At this point however Dinosaur Bones has attacked Armand. Armand is able to avoid the tail swipes but a bite clamps down on his arm. In the cell Eddie D now has his hands on Dev. Hehehe and Hahaha have now charged in and are beating down LD and EB. Armand signals to them to break away and they pull a move out of Lost World: Jurassic Park and use rope nooses on long sticks to tie DB’s neck with them. They slowly drag him away to the backstage area. Armand tries to nurse his wounds but Dylan is to his feet, soaked in Mecha-Goldbear’s fluids.
Hawke: I don’t even know what to say. Eddie D and Hyperion are now beating down the evil duo and Dev. Dylan is now staring down Armand.
Eddie D picks up Dev and barrels him into the cell with a shoulder block. Dev comes off the cell and gets a full nelson bomb from the Big Deal. Hyperion is fending off a two man attack from the Evil duo. He manages to boot LD in the chest. LD takes this chance to roll under the ring. Dylan has Armand by the suit. Armand blows smoke in his face and laughs as Tuck attacks Dylan from behind. LD comes out from under the ring and sets up a ladder. He is about to scale it to attack Hype when Armand snaps his fingers and Tuck begins to drag a greasy disgusting Dylan to the ladder. LD sees Dylan struggling … and offers to help him. Dylan says fine … so LD punches him in the nuts.
King: OOOH! THAT’S SO EVIL!
Hawke: And now Tuck is dragging Dylan up the ladder while LD cackles maniacally.
Hyperion takes this chance to beal toss Evil Borg into Heavymetal. HM slides back and hits the robot which topples landing on top of him. Evil Borg yells in agony at his fallen friends! He turns to Hyperion who just laughs. Tuck and Dylan are now struggling and Dylan manages to escape onto the top of the glass cell. Tuck tries to join him but the ladder is slippery from Dylan’s goop. Yeah … so he slips and he ends up hanging from the top of the cell with one foot dangling and the other trapped on the ladder. Dylan laughs and stomps his hand and Tuck falls to the ground incapacitated. Eddie D sees this happening and abandons Dev who slumps to the floor. He is about to follow Dylan when Armand stops him. He points to the tables. Eddie laughs. He looks to the evil duo and mouths instructions. They both cackle and climb the ladder following Dylan. Dylan looks concerned. As they reach the top, they leap to the cell, much more gracefully than Tuck. Armand laughs but is stopped when Hyperion comes from nowhere and grabs him. He hoists Armand in a choke and walks up the ramp. He then hits the High One off the stage and through the spotlight. Eddie lights the tables on fire then sees what has happened. He holds his head in his hands. He then spies Dev and grabs him. He rolls him into the ring!
King: I think Eddie just realized he’s all alone with Dev in the ring.
Hawke: The only place a pinfall can even happen.
Dylan is now trading strikes with the two lightweight fighters. Suddenly EB pulls something from his EVIL utility belt! He aims a can at Dylan but Dylan kicks it from his hand then hits a European Uppercut to him. He then catches the can and sprays Dominicus in the face with it.
King:OH MY GOD! Evil Borg brought that can in and now LD is getting it in the head. … What is it?
Hawke: It appears to be … BANG! Fish Attractant Spray! LD is rolling on the cell trying to get the stinky fluid out of his mask. Some asshole in the crowd has now thrown a fish onto the cell.
King: Real classy Java.
The fish flops there towards LD then dies. LD tries to stand then slips on the fish and pratfalls to his keister. Eddie D pulls Dev to his feet in the ring and hits a brain buster. He rolls on top for the pin. Hyperion barrels down the ramp.
ONE!
Hype gets into the cell.
TWO!
Hype slides into the ring.
THRE-
Hype pulls Eddie off of Dev.
Dev rolls out to the apron where the cage is intact. He looks out of it. Meanwhile EB is maneuvering Dylan. Dylan is not taking any damage from the evil one but is being manipulated. Dylan suddenly finds he is right at the edge of the cell overlooking three flaming tables. He mouths, “Fuck me…” He blocks a kick from EB and smiles. He pushes the leg down and hooks him for a belly to belly but again is forced to break the hold as LD slides between EB’s legs and hits Dylan with a kick to the nuts, For those counting that’s 3 low blows to Dylan tonight.
King: Dylan’s gonna need robot balls after tonight …
LD and EB pick up Dylan and double powerbomb him off the cell sending him crashing to the floor through all three tables. The goop he was soaked in turns out to be very flammable and he ignites.
Hawke: He may need robot skin too after that.
Dylan rolls around among shattered splintered wood and manages to roll towards the crowd where ringside technicians douse him in water to put him out. LD and EB laugh at the edge of the cell maniacally! Dylan is surely out of …. He’s moving. Dylan is somehow rolling over. He is in agony and blistered. Dylan leans on the barricade to show he is alive. LD shakes his fist at Dylan … EB takes a step back … then gently nudges LD forward with a palm to the back. LD teeters dramatically.
LD: CURSE YOUR SUDDEN BUT INEVITABLE BETRAYAL!!!
LD does a front flip off the cell and comes crashing crotch first onto Dylan and chin first onto the brarricade. LD holds his balls with one hand and chin with the other and appears out of it. Dylan pulls his head from the crotch of LD making vomit motions with his mouth. Both lay there on the ground. Evil looks satisfied … but um … how is he going to get down? Eddie and Hyperion are now squaring off in the ring. They trade punches back and forth neither getting an advantage. Hyperion finally hits a headbutt on Eddie and smirks. Eddie however shakes it off and head butts him back. “Nobody’s skull is thicker than mine!” Eddie whispers to Hype as he hits another headbutt then a scoop body slam. He holds onto Hype and stands up with him still set up and hits a World’s Strongest Slam.
ONE!
TWO!
THR-Hyperion powers his shoulders off the mat.
King: Eddie D almost took the X*Crown back to SWAT with that move.
Eddie pulls Hyperion up by the hair. He hits a gut buster. Hype is on his hands and knees when Dev sprints in and springs off of Hyperion! But Eddie D catches him and laughs. He then lawn darts Dev into the steel cage wall with a running start and Dev rebounds into the ring and rolls back. Eddie picks him up and belly to belly suplexes him over the top rope through the hold in the cage wall to the floor outside. Dev is a broken heap at this point. Eddie D stands tall in the ring trash talking. Evil Borg has managed to get to the ladder and is on his way down. He has to go slow from the Mecha-Goldbear goop on it from Dylan. Eddie D turns back to Hyperion who sends a punch from his knees to the gut. He hits another. And a third. Eddie lifts a knee to the chest of Hype which pops him to his feet. Hyperion somehow swings for the First Principle but Eddie manages to duck underneath it and as Hype turns … HEADACHE FROM HELL!
Hawke: Another Stunner from Eddie D! It’s as good as over.
Evil Borg sees the carnage in the ring and moves to get there but is stopped by Lord Dominicus grabbing his leg. He turns and LD pulls him down with a dragon screw. LD tells him this evil betrayal must be accounted for! He lifts Evil into the Domini-Lock! LD’s back is to the ring as EB howls in pain but can’t submit outside the ring. The BANG! Spray in Dominicus’s mask seems to have deafened him as he doesn’t hear EB telling him to look in the ring.
ONE!
TWO!
THRE- foot on the ropes.
Eddie is in shock that Hype is awake at all. He runs off the ropes and comes back with a big splash!
ONE!
TWO!
THREE-NO!
Hyperion JUST manages to roll the shoulder. Eddie is now mad. He starts trash talking Hyperion. He sits him up just to kick him in the chest.
Hawke: It looks like Eddie D has this locked up if Hype would just stay down.
King: Yes but that is a hard feat to accomplish. Like getting a date with Nelly Angel as your wingman.
Hawke: … Really?
King: Dude has NO game. Randy … now that’s a wing man.
Eddie D hauls Hyperion to his feet. Hype somehow finds the life in him to punch Eddie. Eddie recoils. He turns back to Hype and gets another punch. Hype stands to his full height, wobbles, then stiffens himself. He rains punches down on Eddie. Hype gets it going … when suddenly … kick to the gut, Stunner!
King: ANOTHER HEADACHE FROM HELL!
Hyperion is now drooling spittle and looks quite dead. Eddie laughs and puts one foot on his chest.
ONE!
TWO!
THRE-NO! Hype lifts his shoulder.
Eddie looks at him in shock. He pins with a hook of the leg.
ONE!
TWO!
THRE-foot on the ropes!
Hyperion refuses to die. Eddie now looks angry. Outside the ring Evil-Borg has managed to tickle Lord Dominicus under the armpit and broken the hold. The two are now trading punches and evil one-liners as they slowly go up the ramp. Eddie D lifts Hyperion’s ragdoll body up … FULL NELSON! The full nelson is locked in. Eddie is torqueing it and thrashing left and right. Hyperion is fading fast. The ref checks his arm. It falls.
ONE!
He checks the arm again, it falls.
TWO!
He checks it a third time but from nowhere comes a burned and beaten Dylan Black to break up the submission! HEADSTRONG! The poisonrana to break it up puts Eddie to the mat.
Hawke: HOW THE HELL IS DYLAN EVEN BREATHING!
King: Apparently he didn’t want to lose his crown to a man’s crotch from 20 feet in the air.
Dylan reaches to the mat and grabs something. Hyperion slowly rises next to him. CRACK!
King: MDK FROM DYLAN!
Hawke: That damn baseball bat to the face! Hyperion is bleeding profusely from the nose and is down and out.
Hyperion rolls away. Dylan runs off the ropes and catches Eddie D with the Disasterpiece bicycle knee strike. He pins Eddie.
ONE!
TWO!
Kickout!
Eddie has too much life left. Dylan pulls him up to his feet and goes for the wheelbarrow facebuster but Eddie turns it into a full nelson bomb! He runs off the ropes for the big splash and pins.
ONE!
TWO!
THRE-No! Dylan kicks out.
Hawke: Geez to keep Dylan down you need to kill him.
Both men are slow to their feet and the brawling evil duo have begun to roll back to the ring as they tussle and roll down the ramp. Eddie is the first to his feet and hits a big scoop slam. He then signals it’s over. He climbs to the second rope. Dylan kips up and pushes his legs to the side and immediately hits the punt to the dick.
King: NOT AGAIN! Gold Rush from Dylan to Eddie D. The only saving grace was the lack of a windup and running start.
Evil Borg slides into the ring and instinctively kicks him in the gut. Package Piledriver (Royal Massacre). EB rolls out of the ring. Dylan looks to Hype crawling along the ring and charges with the Dynamic Outro! That brutal stomp. He rolls Hype over.
ONE!
TWO!
Lord Dominicus breaks it up with a running senton.
LD and Dylan now begin trading blows. Eddie D stumbles towards them in agony and the three tired men all begin assaulting each other. Eddie gets a headbutt on Dylan and he stumbles but this lets LD hit Eddie D with the Darkness! (Sliced Bread #2) He covers but Dylan immediately pulls him away and hits a huge Royal Massacre. Dylan stands alone in the ring. Hyperion is bloody and out cold in one corner. Eddie D is down and exhausted in another. Evil Borg and LD are in the other two corners broken and beaten. Dylan stands alone burned, beaten, but alive. Suddenly he is rolled up from behind!
King: OH MY GOD IT’S DEV!
Hawke: HE’S GONNA STEAL IT!
ONE!
TWO!
THRE-Dylan rolls backwards out of the cradle and catches Dev as he stumbles.
Dylan glares at a tired Dev and Dev shrugs. RAGNAROK!
ONE!
TWO!
THREE!
Bonnie Jenkins: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN YOUR WINNER BY PINFALL AND STILL XHF X*CROWN CHAMPION …. DYLAN BLACK!
King: Dylan somehow survived! It’s over!
Hawke: Dylan is out to be the best X*Crown Champ in recent memory and he took a HUGE step to overcome the efforts of a dominant Eddie D and a powerful teamup of evil.
King: Let’s be real Dylan overcame Eddie D AND his KGB minions or Armand, Tuck, Hehehe, and Hahaha. He survived Dinosaur Bones and Lord Dominicus, he survived two borgs and a ten foot battle bear mech. And he overcame Dev and Hyperion in the ring.
Dylan is handed his X*Crown belt and he holds it in the air as he falls to his knees. He smiles to the camera and we zoom in on his face.
Hawke: Well what an end to the global XHF show slate for 2020. It's been a hell of a year and we thank you for sticking with us through it all. We've seen some titles change hands tonight and we've had some fun.
King: Indeed. We hope to see you all in 2021 for Supremacy! For Joey Hawke, I'm Jerry the King Lawler and good night XHF Network!
"Historia Calamitatum" by Rise Against again blares over the speakers as we get an aerial shot of the Chicken Church. We run through a highlight reel of all the biggest spots of the night and each winner getting a spotlight. The XHF logo flashes on screen as the feed fades to black.