Post by Mongo the Destroyer on Oct 30, 2020 20:26:55 GMT -5
*Sunshine. Warm air. Sand. The peaceful view/sound of rolling waves. We’re on the beach, baby! As the camera pans over the idyllic view we eventually rest on a solitary beach lounge chair in the sand inhabited by NPW’s ONLY Singles Champion, Lord Dominicus. He’s using a tanning mirror to get an even tan on his…mask? As the camera slowly pans into him enjoying himself he pulls down his sunglasses*
LD: Ah hello there, NPW! As you can see I’m somewhere nice as opposed to Canada. I’m like that CGI dog in the George Harrison movie, only instead of learning that I love the great wild north it turns out I love the really relaxed down south. At least I’m assuming that’s what it’s about, I haven’t seen it. Anyway, for those of you who live under rocks and only watch the wrestling companies who match your incredibly boring specifications, I’ve been in South Asia with the XHF Network’s End of Days tour.
*He lowers the tanning mirror and discards the sunglasses entirely*
LD: Yes, as your ONLY singles champion- I, the North American Cruiserweight Champion have been representing us on a grander scale. Something that…
*Dominicus reaches next to his lounge chair and pulls up a clipboard and some reading glasses (which he puts on)*
LD: …Nobody else from this company seems to be able to do. Wow, great job Taborda, you let us all down and didn’t even make it to the End of Days PPV, like yours truly. Pathetic. Anyway, I’m sorry for being away so long. I just wanted to really soak up the rays before I needed to wear twenty layers of pants for the next six months. I’m sure it’s fine though, you all have been able to see more of…
*He checks his notes, then recoils in disgust*
LD: …Eric Dane? Wow, ew, I’d say I was sorry if that word was in my lexicon. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed your time of listening to a man who’s greatest achievement is still being active despite not getting any serious injuries or any real interesting things every happening to him dole out incredibly generic pot-shots at anyone who’ll listen. For the days of Dane are over and once again Northern Pro Wrestling shall be embraced by the comfort of DominiNight!
*Dominicus gets up, tossing the clipboard and reading glasses aside and begins walking in the warm sand while continuing to talk to the camera.*
LD: Anyway, while I was defending our honor- and totally didn’t get beaten, let the record state- the powers-that-be have apparently been prodded enough by guys who can’t keep their weight in check to add some secondary belt to challenge my rightful claim as ONLY champion. I find this both PITIFULLY PATHETIC and a waste of time. After all, I’m in this so-called tournament, aren’t I?
*He falls back into the sand and begins making a sand angel. Yes, you can theoretically do that just like in the snow….just you’ll end up covered in sand*
LD: But I’m pleased to hear that Jay Stevens is willing to work with me despite his jealousy about my Cruiserweight Championship to help me make it past this round. Jay, I promise I won’t turn on you until the title match proper.
*He stops and winks, but then suddenly seems a little upset as he sits up- covered in sand on his backside as noted would be the likely result.*
LD: But do you wanna know what I’m not happy about? Solomon Graham. I might complain about a lot of the lack of talent in NPW and how I’m forced to lower myself to deal with them- but at least they’re part of NPW! Solomon keeps getting these amazing opportunities and he’s an outsider! Does Gus really want some FWA garbage holding our new minor championship? I mean, obviously that won’t happen since I’m involved in all this but still, why even risk it? What if Jay Stevens screws up!? Solomon, how many times do I need to sick Dinosaur Bones on you before you stop poking your unwanted head into my matches? One of these times he’ll actually eat you, you know!
*Dominicus stands up and surveys his art in the sand- beautiful. He walks over to the head and with his finger draws in the various flourishes needed to make a crude version of his mask on the sand angel. Then gets back up.*
LD: But at least Graham only usually runs his mouth when he’s at home so I don’t have to listen to him drone on and on- unlike Primal. The guy has only just started talking and I already want to muzzle him. Look, I get that you like to be spooky and ethereal with your mask- I dig it; after all I am THE DARK LORD OF ALL THAT IS EVIL but what are you? So far? Boring. If I wanted to engage in some sort of philosophical discussion I’d have gone into some other side-project than wrestling. And if I wanted some sleep aid to bore me to DARK DREAMLAND, I’d turn on an Eric Dane promo.
*Dominicus decides to wade into the water, where suddenly he’s swarmed by fish. He thinks back*
*Then he remembers something and we get to watch it as a flashback…*
*The new scaled friends flock to Dominicus, trying to reach his mask as they jump out of the water at him. Bigger and bigger fish entering the fray and perhaps you can even see a shark’s tail*
LD: …BLAST YOU DYLAN BLACK! AND FIE YOU PRESIDENT KANYON! AND A POX BE UPON BANG! FISH ATTRACTANT SPRAY!
*As he curses, Lord Dominicus is slowly sucked under the water by his unwanted kosher comrades who want to put their fishy lips on that sweet sweet mask of his.*
LD: Ah hello there, NPW! As you can see I’m somewhere nice as opposed to Canada. I’m like that CGI dog in the George Harrison movie, only instead of learning that I love the great wild north it turns out I love the really relaxed down south. At least I’m assuming that’s what it’s about, I haven’t seen it. Anyway, for those of you who live under rocks and only watch the wrestling companies who match your incredibly boring specifications, I’ve been in South Asia with the XHF Network’s End of Days tour.
*He lowers the tanning mirror and discards the sunglasses entirely*
LD: Yes, as your ONLY singles champion- I, the North American Cruiserweight Champion have been representing us on a grander scale. Something that…
*Dominicus reaches next to his lounge chair and pulls up a clipboard and some reading glasses (which he puts on)*
LD: …Nobody else from this company seems to be able to do. Wow, great job Taborda, you let us all down and didn’t even make it to the End of Days PPV, like yours truly. Pathetic. Anyway, I’m sorry for being away so long. I just wanted to really soak up the rays before I needed to wear twenty layers of pants for the next six months. I’m sure it’s fine though, you all have been able to see more of…
*He checks his notes, then recoils in disgust*
LD: …Eric Dane? Wow, ew, I’d say I was sorry if that word was in my lexicon. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed your time of listening to a man who’s greatest achievement is still being active despite not getting any serious injuries or any real interesting things every happening to him dole out incredibly generic pot-shots at anyone who’ll listen. For the days of Dane are over and once again Northern Pro Wrestling shall be embraced by the comfort of DominiNight!
*Dominicus gets up, tossing the clipboard and reading glasses aside and begins walking in the warm sand while continuing to talk to the camera.*
LD: Anyway, while I was defending our honor- and totally didn’t get beaten, let the record state- the powers-that-be have apparently been prodded enough by guys who can’t keep their weight in check to add some secondary belt to challenge my rightful claim as ONLY champion. I find this both PITIFULLY PATHETIC and a waste of time. After all, I’m in this so-called tournament, aren’t I?
*He falls back into the sand and begins making a sand angel. Yes, you can theoretically do that just like in the snow….just you’ll end up covered in sand*
LD: But I’m pleased to hear that Jay Stevens is willing to work with me despite his jealousy about my Cruiserweight Championship to help me make it past this round. Jay, I promise I won’t turn on you until the title match proper.
*He stops and winks, but then suddenly seems a little upset as he sits up- covered in sand on his backside as noted would be the likely result.*
LD: But do you wanna know what I’m not happy about? Solomon Graham. I might complain about a lot of the lack of talent in NPW and how I’m forced to lower myself to deal with them- but at least they’re part of NPW! Solomon keeps getting these amazing opportunities and he’s an outsider! Does Gus really want some FWA garbage holding our new minor championship? I mean, obviously that won’t happen since I’m involved in all this but still, why even risk it? What if Jay Stevens screws up!? Solomon, how many times do I need to sick Dinosaur Bones on you before you stop poking your unwanted head into my matches? One of these times he’ll actually eat you, you know!
*Dominicus stands up and surveys his art in the sand- beautiful. He walks over to the head and with his finger draws in the various flourishes needed to make a crude version of his mask on the sand angel. Then gets back up.*
LD: But at least Graham only usually runs his mouth when he’s at home so I don’t have to listen to him drone on and on- unlike Primal. The guy has only just started talking and I already want to muzzle him. Look, I get that you like to be spooky and ethereal with your mask- I dig it; after all I am THE DARK LORD OF ALL THAT IS EVIL but what are you? So far? Boring. If I wanted to engage in some sort of philosophical discussion I’d have gone into some other side-project than wrestling. And if I wanted some sleep aid to bore me to DARK DREAMLAND, I’d turn on an Eric Dane promo.
*Dominicus decides to wade into the water, where suddenly he’s swarmed by fish. He thinks back*
*Then he remembers something and we get to watch it as a flashback…*
*Suddenly EB pulls something from his EVIL utility belt! He aims a can at Dylan but Dylan kicks it from his hand then hits a European Uppercut to him. He then catches the can and sprays Dominicus in the face with it.*
King:OH MY GOD! Evil Borg brought that can in and now LD is getting it in the head. … What is it?
Hawke: It appears to be … BANG! Fish Attractant Spray! LD is rolling on the cell trying to get the stinky fluid out of his mask. Some asshole in the crowd has now thrown a fish onto the cell.
King: Real classy Java.
*The fish flops there towards LD then dies.*
King:OH MY GOD! Evil Borg brought that can in and now LD is getting it in the head. … What is it?
Hawke: It appears to be … BANG! Fish Attractant Spray! LD is rolling on the cell trying to get the stinky fluid out of his mask. Some asshole in the crowd has now thrown a fish onto the cell.
King: Real classy Java.
*The fish flops there towards LD then dies.*
*The new scaled friends flock to Dominicus, trying to reach his mask as they jump out of the water at him. Bigger and bigger fish entering the fray and perhaps you can even see a shark’s tail*
LD: …BLAST YOU DYLAN BLACK! AND FIE YOU PRESIDENT KANYON! AND A POX BE UPON BANG! FISH ATTRACTANT SPRAY!
*As he curses, Lord Dominicus is slowly sucked under the water by his unwanted kosher comrades who want to put their fishy lips on that sweet sweet mask of his.*
IS THIS THE END OF DOMINICUS?
FIND OUT AT LETHAL LOTTERY NIGHT 2!
FIND OUT AT LETHAL LOTTERY NIGHT 2!
