Post by Mongo the Destroyer on Nov 13, 2020 19:41:43 GMT -5
*The camera opens up in a dusty saloon, everything has that slightly yellowed tint that’s supposed to represent “old west.” That’s when they come into the frame. Boots, spurs, chaps, pistol holsters, bandanna around the neck, cowboy hat, mask. ….Mask?*
LD: Howdy PATHETIC PARDNERS!
*Yes, he’s trying to pull off the southern drawl, with mixed results. The DARK LORD OF THE OLD WEST saunters into the saloon populated by himself and what appears to be several cardboard cutouts scattered around.*
LD: Now you may be wondering why I am here, dressed like some sort of PRE-INDUSTRIAL IMBECILE. Well you can blame one of my opponents for the Lethal Lottery Losers show…
*Dominicus saunters over to the bar where behind said bar stands a cardboard cutout of “Timeless” Alex Turner- where does he keep getting cutouts of Timeless and should we be concerned?*
LD: I figured that since “Antiquated” Alex Turner has such anachronistic views on women for the modern day I‘d bring us back to a time when men were men, and women were men, but some women were prostitutes and shaved their legs, separating them from their more rough and tumble counterparts. Anyway now that I’ve said it, not much has changed, except that a woman doesn’t need to murder a man to prove her worth- just make him tap out.
*The Dark Cowboy uses his fingers to simulate a wink over his mask, it’s not particularly effective. He tries to pat Bartender Turner on the back but, being cardboard, he just slams his head on the bar. Dominicus ignores this and walks over to one of the tables where a poker game is being played.*
LD: But the WILD WEST is also fitting for at least one of my partners in this six-gun tag match…
*At the table is a very awkwardly placed cutout of Brad Swann- wearing a black cowboy hat on top of where a crown would be expected, he’s also had a bolo tie added to the ensemble.*
LD: This time the folks that run the place have given me the mysterious stranger as a partner. A man who’s reputation has spread far and wide as a so-called “King.” Well this LETHAL LIME-JUICER may think he’s bad- but he’s not that evil, just nasty.
*Dominicus sits down across from the leaning Swann and picks up his cards.*
LD: You see, some might think that I’ve been dealt a bad hand. After all, my partners are Brad Swann, a bad guy- straight up. If there’s a joker in the deck that somebody forgot to take out, it’s him. He’s a wildcard who’ll kill anyone for arguing with his claims of greatness. Probably the baddest of the bad ‘round these parts- how he got sanctioned to wrestle is beyond me.
*He throws down the joker card and scowls at the Swann cutout that does…nothing it’s cardboard. He then looks to the corner of the saloon where stands (leans?) a cutout of John Cavanagh*
LD: And with the literal murderer, we’ve got a real sneaky jack of a man. Untested, unproven, and untrustworthy- bad all over there. But I don’t know….Something about John seems to work with me. Maybe if things get hairy the two of us can slink off and let the PSYCHOTIC SOVEREIGN handle things on his own.
*Dominicus lowers from his hand a jack next to the joker.*
LD: But what do we have on the other side?
*He flips over “Swann”’s cards to reveal….crap. An ace, a five, and a 2, all off-suited.*
LD: Now THAT is an awful hand. We’ve got Alex Turner, who wouldn’t know a good match from a hole in his head- which I suppose Swann could try to arrange. Lou Natic, who’s instability could either help or sink the whole ship. Speaking of “bad”- this guy has been to jail. So we’ve got a murderer, a convict, and a sexist….and whatever Cavanagh defines himself as. And to round out the set there’s the complete off-suit, Leon Van Zandt. I guess he’s not bad, but he’s also not evil.
*Dominicus leans back and puts his spurs up on the table, which is probably a no-no.*
LD: But y’see, that’s where our advantage comes in. We have a scumbag and a sociopath. Both bad guys, perhaps even villains. But what ties that together? Pure unadulterated evil. I may lack the “bad” elements they have but that’s because my blackness is of the darkest variety available….
*He sits back up and lays down his last card, a king, on the other side of his joker.*
LD: Well looky here, looks like I’ve got a straight, because I know how to play poker and know that’s clearly a legitimate hand.
*Dominius stands up, and walks around the saloon, we can recognize the other participants in the match (Natic and Zandt) are also there but they weren’t worth calling out specifically.*
LD: At Lethal Lottery Part Two I showed why I am the ONLY SINGLES CHAMPION in NPW. If you think for a moment that three losers are gonna change that just because it’s Loser Night then you haven’t been paying attention. I am the VANTABLACK OF DARKNESS, THE EVIL THAT MAKES EVILSHUDDER, I AM YOUR LORD DOMINICUS! YEE-HAW!
*He pulls his guns out of their holsters and fires them at the ceiling, Nerf darts go flying in all directions as the camera fades out.*
LD: Howdy PATHETIC PARDNERS!
*Yes, he’s trying to pull off the southern drawl, with mixed results. The DARK LORD OF THE OLD WEST saunters into the saloon populated by himself and what appears to be several cardboard cutouts scattered around.*
LD: Now you may be wondering why I am here, dressed like some sort of PRE-INDUSTRIAL IMBECILE. Well you can blame one of my opponents for the Lethal Lottery Losers show…
*Dominicus saunters over to the bar where behind said bar stands a cardboard cutout of “Timeless” Alex Turner- where does he keep getting cutouts of Timeless and should we be concerned?*
LD: I figured that since “Antiquated” Alex Turner has such anachronistic views on women for the modern day I‘d bring us back to a time when men were men, and women were men, but some women were prostitutes and shaved their legs, separating them from their more rough and tumble counterparts. Anyway now that I’ve said it, not much has changed, except that a woman doesn’t need to murder a man to prove her worth- just make him tap out.
*The Dark Cowboy uses his fingers to simulate a wink over his mask, it’s not particularly effective. He tries to pat Bartender Turner on the back but, being cardboard, he just slams his head on the bar. Dominicus ignores this and walks over to one of the tables where a poker game is being played.*
LD: But the WILD WEST is also fitting for at least one of my partners in this six-gun tag match…
*At the table is a very awkwardly placed cutout of Brad Swann- wearing a black cowboy hat on top of where a crown would be expected, he’s also had a bolo tie added to the ensemble.*
LD: This time the folks that run the place have given me the mysterious stranger as a partner. A man who’s reputation has spread far and wide as a so-called “King.” Well this LETHAL LIME-JUICER may think he’s bad- but he’s not that evil, just nasty.
*Dominicus sits down across from the leaning Swann and picks up his cards.*
LD: You see, some might think that I’ve been dealt a bad hand. After all, my partners are Brad Swann, a bad guy- straight up. If there’s a joker in the deck that somebody forgot to take out, it’s him. He’s a wildcard who’ll kill anyone for arguing with his claims of greatness. Probably the baddest of the bad ‘round these parts- how he got sanctioned to wrestle is beyond me.
*He throws down the joker card and scowls at the Swann cutout that does…nothing it’s cardboard. He then looks to the corner of the saloon where stands (leans?) a cutout of John Cavanagh*
LD: And with the literal murderer, we’ve got a real sneaky jack of a man. Untested, unproven, and untrustworthy- bad all over there. But I don’t know….Something about John seems to work with me. Maybe if things get hairy the two of us can slink off and let the PSYCHOTIC SOVEREIGN handle things on his own.
*Dominicus lowers from his hand a jack next to the joker.*
LD: But what do we have on the other side?
*He flips over “Swann”’s cards to reveal….crap. An ace, a five, and a 2, all off-suited.*
LD: Now THAT is an awful hand. We’ve got Alex Turner, who wouldn’t know a good match from a hole in his head- which I suppose Swann could try to arrange. Lou Natic, who’s instability could either help or sink the whole ship. Speaking of “bad”- this guy has been to jail. So we’ve got a murderer, a convict, and a sexist….and whatever Cavanagh defines himself as. And to round out the set there’s the complete off-suit, Leon Van Zandt. I guess he’s not bad, but he’s also not evil.
*Dominicus leans back and puts his spurs up on the table, which is probably a no-no.*
LD: But y’see, that’s where our advantage comes in. We have a scumbag and a sociopath. Both bad guys, perhaps even villains. But what ties that together? Pure unadulterated evil. I may lack the “bad” elements they have but that’s because my blackness is of the darkest variety available….
*He sits back up and lays down his last card, a king, on the other side of his joker.*
LD: Well looky here, looks like I’ve got a straight, because I know how to play poker and know that’s clearly a legitimate hand.
*Dominius stands up, and walks around the saloon, we can recognize the other participants in the match (Natic and Zandt) are also there but they weren’t worth calling out specifically.*
LD: At Lethal Lottery Part Two I showed why I am the ONLY SINGLES CHAMPION in NPW. If you think for a moment that three losers are gonna change that just because it’s Loser Night then you haven’t been paying attention. I am the VANTABLACK OF DARKNESS, THE EVIL THAT MAKES EVILSHUDDER, I AM YOUR LORD DOMINICUS! YEE-HAW!
*He pulls his guns out of their holsters and fires them at the ceiling, Nerf darts go flying in all directions as the camera fades out.*
