Post by Jonnie Valentine on Mar 7, 2021 0:26:12 GMT -5
(The familiar tune of Entertainment Tonight plays but the logo says Vancouver Tonight. Fade out to Sally McKenna and Sebastian Mélenchon sitting at the Vancouver Tonight desk)
Sebastian Mélenchon: Bonjour and welcome to Vancouver Tonight! You're go-to source for Canadian entertainment news. I'm Sebastian Mélenchon and with me as always is the lovely Sally McKenna! Comment allez-vous?
Sally McKenna: I'm great Sebastian, but we have to get to our breaking news. The story that's been in all the headlines today, Buttergate. Canadian butter is too hard.
Sebastian Mélenchon: Oui, Sally, as you know authorities are baffled as to the cause. Is it the cows? The feed? Or have we as a nation, just run out of things to complain about?
Sally McKenna: And now Nickelback and Drake have announced they will do a track where the proceeds will go to the those affected by the hard butter. We spoke with one of the victims.
(Cut to a man standing in his doorway being interviewed by a news crew)
Victim: I uh, tried to spread it on my toast, ya know? And the darn stuff kept breaking the bread. So I tried to just put more on it, till it was like a butter chip cookie. Where you'd go a while before hitting some butter, and then jackpot!
Sally McKenna: How has this impacted you?
Victim: Oh, it's just butter, eh? I mean, do I cry myself to sleep, knowing what awaits me in the morning? Sure. Have I missed days of work staring at the butter, hoping my rage and hatred of it can melt it a little? Who hasn't? But I just try to take it in stride and think that we must have angered God with our hubris. Or maybe the cows are peeved at us?
(Back to the studio)
Sebastian Mélenchon: (exhales cigarette smoke) Butter chip cookie. C'est tragique.
Sally McKenna: You can't smoke in here, Sebastian.
Sebastian Mélenchon: (stubs out his cigarette) Imbécile...
Sally McKenna: In other news, Canada's most beloved wrestler, "The Canadian Heart Throb" Jonnie Valentine has a match against Eron Hunter. We now go live to Jonnie Valentine via satellite...
Sebastian Mélenchon: Satellite? Mon cheri, it is his laptop.
Sally McKenna: (ignores him) Jonnie, Eron Hunter recently won the NPW Cruiserweight Cup, but is coming off a loss to MYOJIN...am I saying that right?
Sebastian Mélenchon: You think because I am French Canadian, I speak Japanese? But oui, is correct.
"The Canadian Heart Throb" Jonnie Valentine: That's right. I caught some of his matches in The Cruiserweight Cup from the curtain and the guy's a good hand. Unfortunately I'm on a completely different level. And I've been working back when Signora Hunter used to let her little Eron stay up late to watch me fight Sheik Yer Buti on Sicilan television.
Sebastian Mélenchon: C'était fantastique, I remember this match. But this pro wrestling, it is not just physical, it is mental, oui? This man is how you say? Tortured. He looks out windows. I cannot trust such a man.
Jonnie Valentine: The guy calls himself a Hero of the Modern Day. He claims to have untainted warrior spirit...
Sally McKenna: You can't say taint on Canadian television.
Jonnie Valentine: I apologize to all my fans watching at home for that. But this is exactly what happens with Eron Hunter. Wet hair. Unwashed ring gear. Looking out windows. And now taints on TV?? Luckily, Jonnie, The Canadian Tom Hanks is here to put a stop to him. And I propose if I win, Gus Arnold will be forced to steam clean the canvas' after each show!
Sally McKenna: He won't do that.
Jonnie Valentine: Yeah, I know. It's just the staph is running pretty rampant through the locker room and...
Sally McKenna: Thanks Jonnie, that's all the time we have, and good luck on your match!
(Jonnie's feed is cut off)
Sally McKenna: Coming up, Will Arnett's deep descent into darkness and despair after his divorce just keeps getting more entertaining!
Sebastian Mélenchon: Plus, I interview Michael Cera!
(Cut to interview)
Sebastian Mélenchon: Excusez-moi, but what is...(motions around Cera) all...this?
Michael Cera: (confused) What is...what?
Sebastian Mélenchon: I see, you want to play games, eh?. (takes a drag of his cigarette and then flicks it at Michael Cera's eye)
Michael Cera: Ow!
(Logo of Vancouver Tonight flashes onto the screen)
Sebastian Mélenchon: Bonjour and welcome to Vancouver Tonight! You're go-to source for Canadian entertainment news. I'm Sebastian Mélenchon and with me as always is the lovely Sally McKenna! Comment allez-vous?
Sally McKenna: I'm great Sebastian, but we have to get to our breaking news. The story that's been in all the headlines today, Buttergate. Canadian butter is too hard.
Sebastian Mélenchon: Oui, Sally, as you know authorities are baffled as to the cause. Is it the cows? The feed? Or have we as a nation, just run out of things to complain about?
Sally McKenna: And now Nickelback and Drake have announced they will do a track where the proceeds will go to the those affected by the hard butter. We spoke with one of the victims.
(Cut to a man standing in his doorway being interviewed by a news crew)
Victim: I uh, tried to spread it on my toast, ya know? And the darn stuff kept breaking the bread. So I tried to just put more on it, till it was like a butter chip cookie. Where you'd go a while before hitting some butter, and then jackpot!
Sally McKenna: How has this impacted you?
Victim: Oh, it's just butter, eh? I mean, do I cry myself to sleep, knowing what awaits me in the morning? Sure. Have I missed days of work staring at the butter, hoping my rage and hatred of it can melt it a little? Who hasn't? But I just try to take it in stride and think that we must have angered God with our hubris. Or maybe the cows are peeved at us?
(Back to the studio)
Sebastian Mélenchon: (exhales cigarette smoke) Butter chip cookie. C'est tragique.
Sally McKenna: You can't smoke in here, Sebastian.
Sebastian Mélenchon: (stubs out his cigarette) Imbécile...
Sally McKenna: In other news, Canada's most beloved wrestler, "The Canadian Heart Throb" Jonnie Valentine has a match against Eron Hunter. We now go live to Jonnie Valentine via satellite...
Sebastian Mélenchon: Satellite? Mon cheri, it is his laptop.
Sally McKenna: (ignores him) Jonnie, Eron Hunter recently won the NPW Cruiserweight Cup, but is coming off a loss to MYOJIN...am I saying that right?
Sebastian Mélenchon: You think because I am French Canadian, I speak Japanese? But oui, is correct.
"The Canadian Heart Throb" Jonnie Valentine: That's right. I caught some of his matches in The Cruiserweight Cup from the curtain and the guy's a good hand. Unfortunately I'm on a completely different level. And I've been working back when Signora Hunter used to let her little Eron stay up late to watch me fight Sheik Yer Buti on Sicilan television.
Sebastian Mélenchon: C'était fantastique, I remember this match. But this pro wrestling, it is not just physical, it is mental, oui? This man is how you say? Tortured. He looks out windows. I cannot trust such a man.
Jonnie Valentine: The guy calls himself a Hero of the Modern Day. He claims to have untainted warrior spirit...
Sally McKenna: You can't say taint on Canadian television.
Jonnie Valentine: I apologize to all my fans watching at home for that. But this is exactly what happens with Eron Hunter. Wet hair. Unwashed ring gear. Looking out windows. And now taints on TV?? Luckily, Jonnie, The Canadian Tom Hanks is here to put a stop to him. And I propose if I win, Gus Arnold will be forced to steam clean the canvas' after each show!
Sally McKenna: He won't do that.
Jonnie Valentine: Yeah, I know. It's just the staph is running pretty rampant through the locker room and...
Sally McKenna: Thanks Jonnie, that's all the time we have, and good luck on your match!
(Jonnie's feed is cut off)
Sally McKenna: Coming up, Will Arnett's deep descent into darkness and despair after his divorce just keeps getting more entertaining!
Sebastian Mélenchon: Plus, I interview Michael Cera!
(Cut to interview)
Sebastian Mélenchon: Excusez-moi, but what is...(motions around Cera) all...this?
Michael Cera: (confused) What is...what?
Sebastian Mélenchon: I see, you want to play games, eh?. (takes a drag of his cigarette and then flicks it at Michael Cera's eye)
Michael Cera: Ow!
(Logo of Vancouver Tonight flashes onto the screen)
