Ugly

[Dave D-Flipz]

*We open on an unfamiliar scene. There is a fireplace roaring and mood lighting. In the center of the room is Primal sitting in a big poofy rocking chair. He is wearing a smoking jacket and reading glasses with a pipe in his mouth. In his hands is a large tome. Very high quality set up he has going on here.*

: "Well hello all my lovely Canadian children. My name is Mister Primal and I welcome you, to the Story Nook."

*At his feet sits a sleeping corgi. Bubbles emit from the pipe in Primal's mouth. He then takes it in his hand by the pipe and points the mouth part at the camera*

: "Are you all ready to hear a rousing story or two?"

*A rewinding noise is heard and then a button is pressed.*

Canned Crowd Reaction: "YEEEEEAAAAHHHH!!"

: "Jolly good! This first story is one of my favorites. It's called The Ugly Animal. One upon a time there was an ugly animal. Inside. He was ugly inside. He was so ugly ... inside ... that everyone died! Because he destroyed them. The end."

*He closes the tome and smiles at the camera with his sickening, disgusting, pointy teeth.*

: "Wasn't that delightful? A little look into the history of a beloved XHF Legend! Why, you might even call it an autobiography. A modified story originally told by a real star."

*He winks at the camera for all the zero children watching this horror try and tell stories on Canadian public television.*

: "It's a very appropriate story. It teaches us that sometimes what you see on the outside, isn't as ugly as the inside. And that is a lesson worth learning. After all you might be just the worst kind of person, but on the outside people want to look at you. Like Timeless and Roxy. I almost respect how disgusting they truly are as people... internally. Let's be real, they are both easier on the eyes than myself. But then that's the point isn't it? They use trickery to get the upper hand. See me? I'm up front with what to expect. You see me and you see my real face. I may have to paint it on to hide the mask I was born with, but I am honest. And that is something real you can like about me. Because there is nothing else there to enjoy."

*He fixes his glasses, sits back and re opens the book.*

: "Time for another story. The Timelord's New Clothes. Once upon a time there was a very vain little man. And this man had the supposed ability to walk through time like it were a sidewalk path in the park. The man could have used this power to assist the millions of struggling people in the world. He could have done great or terrible things with it. But this man was very self-absorbed and instead went back to sit with his daddy at the ball game and relive the love he used to have before he became so fake and fame obsessed. One day the man was in the market for some highly desirable designer wear for himself and his favorite blow up doll come to life. Not just any fabric would do. So a benevolent, malevolent imp told the man 'Sir I can give you what you seek. I ask only your gratitude in return.' Instead the vile man, blew up at the vile beast. And couldn't just learn to accept that the best look isn't always the hot trend. He gave up his chance at these designer robes and instead chose to bring about the wrath of the imp. Now the man will be left with a new outfit, dried blood, bruises, and agony. He'll wish he still had the delightfully warm threads he was gifted as he is lifted, naked and afraid into the ambulance. His ladyfriend left with only one option to cover her shame."

*he closes the book and smirks*

: "The moral of these stories is ... Timeless is a little bitch who needs to be taught respect. And when all is said and done, his little Roxy will be wearing the newest fashion sensation, the Primal 10g G Cup Covers. And he will have learned to respect the monsters, lest he lose his chance to be one of them. MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

*He tosses the book into the fire and rips the smoking jacket to shreds as we fade out*