Post by Mongo the Destroyer on May 28, 2021 20:05:30 GMT -5
*The camera opens up on the self-professed captain of Team Northern Pro Wrestling, Lord Dominicus. Specifically his torso and up as he does something with his hands below the camera line (ew).*
LD: There’s a famous folk song I’ve been thinking about since we got locked up in the Eastern State Penitentiary to help promote Call to Arms. It’s called “Midnight Special” and deals with a train that comes by a prison every night at midnight or so, and its light shines into the cells. After that the stories of what that light represents varies. My favorite is that the inmates considered it a good omen that they’d soon be free if they had the light shine on their person.
*Something white flies from below LD to above the frame and quickly back down.*
LD: But then again, we’re not actually in prison, so none of that applies to us, right? HOWEVER, since we’re bunking in and around the kitchen here, I’ve decided to whip up my own “midnight special” as it were! See this is just another reason why team NPW is better than the others, while they’re bunking or sleeping in gyms, we get to have the best food!
*Dominicus doesn’t take this well and yells off camera.*
LD: HEY WHY DON’T YOU [CENSORED] [CENSORED] [CENSORED] MILEY CYRUS [CENSORED] [CENSORED] PURPLE DONKEY [CENSORED] [CENSORED] [CENSORED] DIGITAL TUBE AND [CENSORED] [CENSORED] [CENSORED] YOU [CENSORED] [CENSORED] BANDANA [CENSORED]!
*He brings his fist to his face and coughs lightly into it.*
LD: Sorry you had to hear that. Prison changes a man. Now where was I? Oh yes, zoom out!
*The camera pans out to reveal Dominicus is at a large metal table with a variety of ingredients spread out before him. He reaches under the table and finds BLACK a “Kiss the Triple Crown Champ” apron, which he carefully puts on and ties up. Then he produces a black chef’s hat with three golden crowns on it and puts that on his head.*
LD: Now I know there’s something called “Prison Pizza” because I think it came up in a promo from those two jailed guys a few years ago. But I don’t actually know what that means and it probably involves sexual abuse if movies have taught me anything about being locked up. However, way back when I may or may not have had an EVIL part-time job in parts unknown before getting into this wrestling thing. So I may or may not know how to make non-non-con pizza!
*He kneads he dough*
LD: Pizza is an interesting thing. It is a mix of completely different ingredients that have no business being together and in normal circumstances wouldn’t chill together….except like bread and cheese I guess. And yet when you put them together? It’s magic in your mouth and is something everyone can enjoy!
*Knead knead knead*
LD: That’s what the Northern Pro Wrestling team is all about. You see, if you’ve paid attention to any NPW media….or heck, the Rumble, you’d quickly notice that our team is a gathering of enemies- except Primal and his partner….sort of. You’d have to be watching NPW to understand that one so I won’t give you any spoilers.
*Dominicus punches the dough*
LD: What do we have here? Ah yes, the self-proclaimed most important part of any meal, the staple. The white bread, tastes the same, never changes or grows part of our meal: the mix of flour and water that’ll become our crust. Just like “Antiquated” Alex Turner it’s doughy and more recent nutritional studies have proved that we already get too much of it and would much better to have less of it.
*The NPW North American Double Crown AND Cruiserweight Champion takes a few more liberties in his kneading. Then shrugs at the camera*
LD: Buuuuut…at the same time, you can’t make a pizza without this gluten-ridden filler food. And although Turner is dumb as a rock he’s also fat enough to fill out any weight gaps in this team. That is to say, we can use him to eat punches.
*Satisfied with the dough, Dominicus starts to spoon and spread the sauce (from a jar, come on, it’s still prison).*
LD: And here’s our first bizarre element. Made to cover spaghetti and other things, the tomato based sauce is a vital ingredient to any mix. And if you saw how Jesse Jamester did at the Rumble you’ll agree that he’s vital to our mix as well. Double J is both spicy AND would totally burn the roof of your mouth if given a chance.
*Spread spread*
LD: And, just like our JJ, this sauce is really good at covering the blandness of the dough. Two elements that have barely crossed paths even in NPW are now mixing together to form a very powerful base to this team. And look at that color! Red, like the X he’s got on his mask now….and probably the color of blood in his body. I don’t know, I haven’t cut him open….yet.
*Dominicus debates saying “Mmmmm, Jamester sauce” and lightly mouths it, but decides to not vocalize it. Next up is the prepackaged cheese! The DARK LORD OF NPW sprinkles it on.*
LD: What would pizza be without cheese right?
*He DominiThinks(tm) (SHIRTS STILL ON SALE RIGHT NOW!)*
LD: …I guess vegan pizza, but who really wants that garbage, right? A pizza without cheese is an abomination. But really cheese only plays well with bread, like in sandwiches. And as it turn out, our cheese only seems to play well with Alex Turner-
*He puts his hand to the side of where his mouth should be under the mask*
LD: -Who if you’ll remember is our flavorless doughy base- in the team of Prime Time! Look, I’m not going to judge their life choices, but I will note that having an actual team, the actual NPW Imperial Crown Tag Team Champions, on our team does give us a little bit of an advantage. Anyway Primal is the cheese because he’s also the greasiest part of the pizza…..and the team.
*Dominicus gets frustrated by the pace and just starts dumping cheese out on the pizza. Good enough, next! LD pulls out one of those packages of pre-slice pepperoni.*
LD: Ah yes, what would any concoction be if not for the oddly ethnocentric flavor-blaster! Every time I see a John Cavanagh promo, he gets more and more filled with his Irish “flavor” but it’s clear he’s more at home in New York than in the actual land of Guinness. Just like how pepperoni may be Italian, but at this point it’s more of a New York meat than anything else.
*He arranges the pepperoni carefully, there’s almost a pattern to it at first but later he gives up on that*
LD: And, just like Johnny Cav, you can absolutely have too much of him. Most of the other ingredients you don’t need to care about- but let me tell you, too much time with Cav and you’ll wish you had a gun. I mean, uh, too much pepperoni and you’ll suddenly lose the taste of the rest of the pizza.
*Dominicus pops a slice in his mouth.*
LD: What? I’m hungry. Now, you’re thinking to yourself, “Wow ok Lord Dominicus! You’ve broken down amazingly how your team fits together….but what about you?” To which I say, “Have you not been paying attention?”
*A quick DominiThink follows because you gotta move that merch bro.*
LD: The MOST IMPORTANT part of the whole concoction is the chef! The loving guiding hand who gets almost no credit despite DOING EVERYTHING AND BEING THE CREATIVE FORCE BEHIND IT ALL WINK WINK.
*He has to do that audibly because you can’t see his actual eyes.*
LD: And that’s where I come in! As the man who drove out Eric Dane, is the current and only ever NPW Triple Crown Champion, and was for a long while the ONLY singles champion I am the defacto leader of everything involving Northern Pro Wrestling. BUT DOES ANYONE GIVE ME CREDIT!? Of course not.
*He deep breathes to calm down.*
LD: But that’s fine, that’s cool guys. Because I’ll happily be the quiet and skillful hand captaining this team to victory against all comers! Lord Dominicus, your fearless but humble leader of AMAZING TALENT AND MARKETABILITY is here, so worry not. Oh yeah, let’s get this cooking!
*Shifting gears, Dominicus shoves the pizza into a pizza oven because of course a prison will have one of those.*
LD: And here it comes, the heat, the fire, the situation that brings all these opposites together to form one of the most palatable foods in the world- and one of the best teams in wrestling. Team NPW may not seem like a recipe for success, but stick us all together and turn the heat up with a one night tournament….and you’ll see just who’s eating whose prison pizza. Audible wink.
*He also gives a thumbs up. Then we get a SPINNING DOMINIFACE WIPE to jump ahead in time. LD is still waiting for the pizza to finish cooking but a familiar face wanders into the kitchen.*
JJ: Are….are you making pizza? In the middle of the night?
*Yes, Jesse Jamester’s lizard brain has smelled the delightful treat. His mask is on with the big red X marking his new darker persona.*
LD: Yes! Do you want some?
JJ: I mean….yeah.
*Dominicus gestures to a table but the mysterious former member of the Syndicate was already on his way there. Soon another nose comes from out of the darkness, sniffing wildly.*
Timeless: Little Dunce, what is this you’ve got going on?
LD: Well of course you’d smell food.
*He sighs.*
LD: Fiiine, pull up a seat, BUT YOU NEED TO SHARE, FATTY!
Timeless: You weigh like two pounds!
LD: You weigh like…two….hundred…pounds. Wait….
*Timeless actually weighs 262lbs, a notation on the screen makes sure we know*
LD: Dang it! ANYWAY YOU WEIGH A LOT!
*Bam, almost as if this was all staged out next comes Primal.*
Primal: You were right! There is some sort of conflagration happing in the kitchen!
*It is unclear who Primal is talking to (gonna have to read his promo to find out!). LD, JJ, and Timeless all look at each other, but their shared confusion means nobody knows what’s going on. Primal doesn’t ask nor inquire. He sits down at the table while chuckling with what appears to be himself. Maybe he’s sleep walking? Hard to tel-*
Cav: I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU TO…..
*John Cavanagh shows up looking tired and pissed, and now also very vexed as to why all of his partners are gathered together.*
LD: This isn’t an intervention, I swear. But I mean…Turner you could get your eating hab-
Timeless: This is not the time, Small Fry.
LD: Pfft, fine, whatever.
*DING*
LD: Oh thank goodness. Time to eat boys!
*Oven mitts on, Chef/Captain Dominicus delivers his team his “Midnight Special.” It’s a simple pizza if you consider the ingredients, but that doesn’t stop it from being magic in your mouth. And as everyone digs in and shoves food in their face we see for the first time, a table of enemies, at peace, with a common goal. Look out CTA, Overheated, NoC, X*Crown. NPW is coming for ya!
LD: There’s a famous folk song I’ve been thinking about since we got locked up in the Eastern State Penitentiary to help promote Call to Arms. It’s called “Midnight Special” and deals with a train that comes by a prison every night at midnight or so, and its light shines into the cells. After that the stories of what that light represents varies. My favorite is that the inmates considered it a good omen that they’d soon be free if they had the light shine on their person.
*Something white flies from below LD to above the frame and quickly back down.*
LD: But then again, we’re not actually in prison, so none of that applies to us, right? HOWEVER, since we’re bunking in and around the kitchen here, I’ve decided to whip up my own “midnight special” as it were! See this is just another reason why team NPW is better than the others, while they’re bunking or sleeping in gyms, we get to have the best food!
“OI! SHUT THE [CENSORED] UP! SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP!”
*Dominicus doesn’t take this well and yells off camera.*
LD: HEY WHY DON’T YOU [CENSORED] [CENSORED] [CENSORED] MILEY CYRUS [CENSORED] [CENSORED] PURPLE DONKEY [CENSORED] [CENSORED] [CENSORED] DIGITAL TUBE AND [CENSORED] [CENSORED] [CENSORED] YOU [CENSORED] [CENSORED] BANDANA [CENSORED]!
*He brings his fist to his face and coughs lightly into it.*
LD: Sorry you had to hear that. Prison changes a man. Now where was I? Oh yes, zoom out!
*The camera pans out to reveal Dominicus is at a large metal table with a variety of ingredients spread out before him. He reaches under the table and finds BLACK a “Kiss the Triple Crown Champ” apron, which he carefully puts on and ties up. Then he produces a black chef’s hat with three golden crowns on it and puts that on his head.*
LD: Now I know there’s something called “Prison Pizza” because I think it came up in a promo from those two jailed guys a few years ago. But I don’t actually know what that means and it probably involves sexual abuse if movies have taught me anything about being locked up. However, way back when I may or may not have had an EVIL part-time job in parts unknown before getting into this wrestling thing. So I may or may not know how to make non-non-con pizza!
*He kneads he dough*
LD: Pizza is an interesting thing. It is a mix of completely different ingredients that have no business being together and in normal circumstances wouldn’t chill together….except like bread and cheese I guess. And yet when you put them together? It’s magic in your mouth and is something everyone can enjoy!
*Knead knead knead*
LD: That’s what the Northern Pro Wrestling team is all about. You see, if you’ve paid attention to any NPW media….or heck, the Rumble, you’d quickly notice that our team is a gathering of enemies- except Primal and his partner….sort of. You’d have to be watching NPW to understand that one so I won’t give you any spoilers.
*Dominicus punches the dough*
LD: What do we have here? Ah yes, the self-proclaimed most important part of any meal, the staple. The white bread, tastes the same, never changes or grows part of our meal: the mix of flour and water that’ll become our crust. Just like “Antiquated” Alex Turner it’s doughy and more recent nutritional studies have proved that we already get too much of it and would much better to have less of it.
*The NPW North American Double Crown AND Cruiserweight Champion takes a few more liberties in his kneading. Then shrugs at the camera*
LD: Buuuuut…at the same time, you can’t make a pizza without this gluten-ridden filler food. And although Turner is dumb as a rock he’s also fat enough to fill out any weight gaps in this team. That is to say, we can use him to eat punches.
*Satisfied with the dough, Dominicus starts to spoon and spread the sauce (from a jar, come on, it’s still prison).*
LD: And here’s our first bizarre element. Made to cover spaghetti and other things, the tomato based sauce is a vital ingredient to any mix. And if you saw how Jesse Jamester did at the Rumble you’ll agree that he’s vital to our mix as well. Double J is both spicy AND would totally burn the roof of your mouth if given a chance.
*Spread spread*
LD: And, just like our JJ, this sauce is really good at covering the blandness of the dough. Two elements that have barely crossed paths even in NPW are now mixing together to form a very powerful base to this team. And look at that color! Red, like the X he’s got on his mask now….and probably the color of blood in his body. I don’t know, I haven’t cut him open….yet.
*Dominicus debates saying “Mmmmm, Jamester sauce” and lightly mouths it, but decides to not vocalize it. Next up is the prepackaged cheese! The DARK LORD OF NPW sprinkles it on.*
LD: What would pizza be without cheese right?
*He DominiThinks(tm) (SHIRTS STILL ON SALE RIGHT NOW!)*
LD: …I guess vegan pizza, but who really wants that garbage, right? A pizza without cheese is an abomination. But really cheese only plays well with bread, like in sandwiches. And as it turn out, our cheese only seems to play well with Alex Turner-
*He puts his hand to the side of where his mouth should be under the mask*
LD: -Who if you’ll remember is our flavorless doughy base- in the team of Prime Time! Look, I’m not going to judge their life choices, but I will note that having an actual team, the actual NPW Imperial Crown Tag Team Champions, on our team does give us a little bit of an advantage. Anyway Primal is the cheese because he’s also the greasiest part of the pizza…..and the team.
*Dominicus gets frustrated by the pace and just starts dumping cheese out on the pizza. Good enough, next! LD pulls out one of those packages of pre-slice pepperoni.*
LD: Ah yes, what would any concoction be if not for the oddly ethnocentric flavor-blaster! Every time I see a John Cavanagh promo, he gets more and more filled with his Irish “flavor” but it’s clear he’s more at home in New York than in the actual land of Guinness. Just like how pepperoni may be Italian, but at this point it’s more of a New York meat than anything else.
*He arranges the pepperoni carefully, there’s almost a pattern to it at first but later he gives up on that*
LD: And, just like Johnny Cav, you can absolutely have too much of him. Most of the other ingredients you don’t need to care about- but let me tell you, too much time with Cav and you’ll wish you had a gun. I mean, uh, too much pepperoni and you’ll suddenly lose the taste of the rest of the pizza.
*Dominicus pops a slice in his mouth.*
LD: What? I’m hungry. Now, you’re thinking to yourself, “Wow ok Lord Dominicus! You’ve broken down amazingly how your team fits together….but what about you?” To which I say, “Have you not been paying attention?”
*A quick DominiThink follows because you gotta move that merch bro.*
LD: The MOST IMPORTANT part of the whole concoction is the chef! The loving guiding hand who gets almost no credit despite DOING EVERYTHING AND BEING THE CREATIVE FORCE BEHIND IT ALL WINK WINK.
*He has to do that audibly because you can’t see his actual eyes.*
LD: And that’s where I come in! As the man who drove out Eric Dane, is the current and only ever NPW Triple Crown Champion, and was for a long while the ONLY singles champion I am the defacto leader of everything involving Northern Pro Wrestling. BUT DOES ANYONE GIVE ME CREDIT!? Of course not.
*He deep breathes to calm down.*
LD: But that’s fine, that’s cool guys. Because I’ll happily be the quiet and skillful hand captaining this team to victory against all comers! Lord Dominicus, your fearless but humble leader of AMAZING TALENT AND MARKETABILITY is here, so worry not. Oh yeah, let’s get this cooking!
*Shifting gears, Dominicus shoves the pizza into a pizza oven because of course a prison will have one of those.*
LD: And here it comes, the heat, the fire, the situation that brings all these opposites together to form one of the most palatable foods in the world- and one of the best teams in wrestling. Team NPW may not seem like a recipe for success, but stick us all together and turn the heat up with a one night tournament….and you’ll see just who’s eating whose prison pizza. Audible wink.
*He also gives a thumbs up. Then we get a SPINNING DOMINIFACE WIPE to jump ahead in time. LD is still waiting for the pizza to finish cooking but a familiar face wanders into the kitchen.*
JJ: Are….are you making pizza? In the middle of the night?
*Yes, Jesse Jamester’s lizard brain has smelled the delightful treat. His mask is on with the big red X marking his new darker persona.*
LD: Yes! Do you want some?
JJ: I mean….yeah.
*Dominicus gestures to a table but the mysterious former member of the Syndicate was already on his way there. Soon another nose comes from out of the darkness, sniffing wildly.*
Timeless: Little Dunce, what is this you’ve got going on?
LD: Well of course you’d smell food.
*He sighs.*
LD: Fiiine, pull up a seat, BUT YOU NEED TO SHARE, FATTY!
Timeless: You weigh like two pounds!
LD: You weigh like…two….hundred…pounds. Wait….
*Timeless actually weighs 262lbs, a notation on the screen makes sure we know*
LD: Dang it! ANYWAY YOU WEIGH A LOT!
*Bam, almost as if this was all staged out next comes Primal.*
Primal: You were right! There is some sort of conflagration happing in the kitchen!
*It is unclear who Primal is talking to (gonna have to read his promo to find out!). LD, JJ, and Timeless all look at each other, but their shared confusion means nobody knows what’s going on. Primal doesn’t ask nor inquire. He sits down at the table while chuckling with what appears to be himself. Maybe he’s sleep walking? Hard to tel-*
Cav: I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU TO…..
*John Cavanagh shows up looking tired and pissed, and now also very vexed as to why all of his partners are gathered together.*
LD: This isn’t an intervention, I swear. But I mean…Turner you could get your eating hab-
Timeless: This is not the time, Small Fry.
LD: Pfft, fine, whatever.
*DING*
LD: Oh thank goodness. Time to eat boys!
*Oven mitts on, Chef/Captain Dominicus delivers his team his “Midnight Special.” It’s a simple pizza if you consider the ingredients, but that doesn’t stop it from being magic in your mouth. And as everyone digs in and shoves food in their face we see for the first time, a table of enemies, at peace, with a common goal. Look out CTA, Overheated, NoC, X*Crown. NPW is coming for ya!
