Battleground #40 : The Heat is On! (Show)

[thecomedian]

<Fade in to "The Golden God" Rally Jackson celebrating his victory at the rib off.  Bryan Gordon enters to join in on the celebration.>

Bryan Gordon:  Look what I brought, Rally!  

<Bryan pulls out a sandwich from McDonalds.>

Bryan Gordon:  It's a Mcrib!  Because you won the rib off!  Get it!

<Rally slaps the Mcrib out of Bryan's hand.>

Rally Jackson:  You fool! McDonald's!  I can't think of a single fast food join that paints a bigger picture of capitalist America.  You are contributing to the McDonaldization of society!

Bryan Gordon:  I thought... I was just being clever.

Rally Jackson:  Your cleverness probably slaughtered a thousand cows.  Buy local.  Buy fresh.  Buy organic.  Have I taught you nothing?

Bryan Gordon:  But you always buy starbucks.

Rally Jackson:  Haven't you heard do as I say not as I do?  The rules apply to thee but not to me?  Besides, the bucks virtue signal enough.

Bryan Gordon:  ::sigh:: Ok.

Rally Jackson:  I want you to apologize to a cow today.  And mother earth because the way that rib was cooked couldn't possibly be great on the environment.

<Bryan Gordon nods and exits.>

Rally Jackson:  What you saw at the memorial show.  Memorial for who you ask?  Probably some colonizer.  But what you saw at the memorial show was phase one of taking down the patriarchy.

Keith Williams is the prototype for the patriarch.  Good looking _*man*_ that buys expensive suits that he wears once then disregards.  He needed to be taken down a peg.  He wanted to rub me off?  I said no, let's do a rib off instead.  I'm the king of ribs based on some sensationalized documentary I guess so I played along with it.  I can outrib this guy.  I have the advantage of being on the right side of history.  I am motivated to change this evil world, make it better for our grandchildren so I would be willing to defeat that privileged nuclear family sympathizer in anything.

And this month, I get to defeat him in wrestling.  The thing I'm good at.  Maybe next month we can compete in Mortal Kombat, who knows.

Keith, I am going to pin you for all the tailors you refused to tip after doing your measurements.

Ill Will, I might just tap you out on behalf of all the guys that couldn't get the breaks you had in life because they don't have your hollywood face.

Mr. Ultimate Kingpin I will make you say matte for the toxic masculinity that emits from your ears.

<With Rally's last line he gets so excited he accidentally knocks over the camera so we fade.>

[SinclairGodfrey]

'Warren Webber backstage with Sinclair Godfrey here, and the SWAT fans have a few questions.' said Warren, adjusting his tie as he glanced around nervously around the hallway. Which was for once not in the bowels of the arena, and he seemed confused by that as he looked to Sinclair who just shrugged. 

'I think Suit told Donzig he wanted him to stay close, so here we are.' she seemed content by that, and arched a brow at Webber as she lifted a hand to inspect her nails. He nodded slowly, and glanced around. Like most in SWAT he knew to step carefully around Sinclair because Donzig had this habit of just appearing from nowhere. He turned back to her, and lifted the mic.

'You have a match tonight against Olympia who had some harsh words for you and the Jersey Devil. Have any comments on that?'

Sinclair's head snapped up, and her lips pressed into a grim line. A hand lifted to tug sharply at her coat, and she slid from the wall to glare at Webber. 'Olympia says alot of things, but when she needs to remember? Is that the Bandits run SWAT, the KGB runs this show, and not Olympia. So she can talk up her skills all day, she can threaten to drop us on our heads! But I promise you that the Amazons title is leaving here with the KGB! The Amazons Title will not be going anywhere! And I don't care how fired up Olympia is!'

Webber nodded, and forced a smile. 'And are there are any tensions between you and Joanne? I mean I can't help but notice this is not a normal handicap match.'

Sinclair's eyes narrowed, and she hissed. 'There are no tensions between Canelli and I. But she needs to know that I will take care of business if she can't get it done, I will not let that Amazons belt slip through the fingers of the KGB! You see what everyone, and I do mean everyone seems to forget? I only have one miserable loss in this entire company! I have only been pinned one time!' In a display that Donzig would be proud of Sinclair held a single finger in front of Webbers face, shaking it in anger. Then she drew her hand back, shaking her head as she smirked. 'And Isabel Rios isn't here to cash in on Commandtrix's hard work is she?'

A deep breath, and the Baroness settled back again as her arms folded over her chest. And she leaned on the wall, sliding a foot upwards to press against it as she waited for the next question. And Webber shrugged, and continued. 'What do you think of Donzig's comments on the NLW?'

'The NLW frankly disrespected Donzig, they made their choice and now they have to suffer the consequences. You think you can just offer insults to the Harbinger of Death and get away with it, Webber? You of all people should know that Donzig doesn't handle slights well.'

'What do you think of what was said by Blaze Freya? Do you think Soutter is a sexist?'

Sinclair rolled her eyes, and she snorted. 'Is Suit a sexist? I don't know.' A sharp laugh, and Sinclair shrugged before she slid from the wall again. 'But I do know that everytime I turn around in here? I see Freya with her clothes off, I see her getting dressed, I see her taking a bath. I see her doing this or that! But now she wants to act like she is all sweet and innocent, and Suit is the bad guy because he wants her naked? We have all seen her naked, she certainly doesn't seem to mind most weeks does she? But now we are supposed to pretend it is terrible? You think half of these guys in this audience are on the Blaze Train because of her skill in the ring?'

Sinclair rolled her eyes, shaking her head as she waved a hand at Webber. She spread her coat behind her, letting it fall as she walked off. Clearly dismissing him for the moment as she resumed her business. Webber gave a sigh of relief, adjusting his tie again before he turned back to the camera. This was a successful interview for once, and he started down the hall as fast as he could. 

[edwarddubin0604]

(After the commercial break the tron shows Psychotic Goth and Vampira surrounded by green and red fog standing behind an open coffin.)

Vampira: "Warren W. Webber are you taking advantage of 'The Rookie' David Vector. Are you mocking 'The King of the Goths' Webber. Do you dare start making trouble so you can act smug and mock the newest members of the SWAT Tag Team Division."

Psychotic Goth: "Warren W. Webber you dare to cause trouble between myself and David Vector. Do you care about building your own ego than your so-called integrity which doesn't exist. You shall fail and when you do I shall make sure that what Donzig did to Jeremy Tucker was just mere child's play compared to how I punish those who mock me."

(He roars in a Native American dialect.)

Psychotic Goth: "Your attempts to corrupt David Vector shall fail and if anything happens. You shall see why my wrath come down you full force and you shall never be the same again. Do not think I won't go through with my threat. I shall and your punishment shall be harsh and quite painful."

(Psychotic bellows loudly.)

Psychotic Goth: "As for our opponents ReKota. They are not to be underestimated by any means. Cross Recoba and Dakota Jennings are AWF competitors who were champions there before AWF folded and yes they can be considered the favorites because they also teamed up. They are an experienced team and pose a potential threat to any tag team just like us. You respect your opponents whether you think they should be or not.
You give them the resect they deserve. Unlike that bad omen Warren W. Webber I respect opponents and you shall learn that too as your career in SWAT progresses."

(He roars.)

Psychotic Goth: "Do not dare talk behind my back Webber. You see Webber I was taught to never talk behind people's backs and respect opponents and David heed that advice, because those who follow that advice do well and keep the respect of the fans. Those who refuse to do so will lose all respect of the fans. Then again your commentary from the previous show was nothing short of trash since you were talking behind my back. I don't appreciate that Webber and if I hear you doing that. You may find yourself subjected to something you should have received a long time ago.
So beware of what you say and make sure you hold your tongue. I am everywhere Webber. I am everywhere."

(Psychotic Goth laughs sadistically as he caresses the open coffin.)

Psychotic Goth: "Now back tour opponents. Rekota I know you bring great tag team wrestling into this match and that's what we expect tonight.
You wouldn't be here if you weren't and SWAT prefers the most talented of wrestlers. Xiaolong told me about you and I was impressed by his analysis of ReKota. Like I mentioned earlier you were great champions in the now deceased AWF and now you are here to make an impact just like David Vector and myself intend to do just that as well."

(Psychotic Goth lowers his head and raises his arms and flings his head back revealing his pale handsome goth like looks.)

Psychotic Goth: "Tonight David Vector you and I shall face one of the best veteran teams to ever come from AWF and it's going to be a war in that ring. I know we can prevail if you watch and learn from me and when you tag in you show what you have learned. Impress me David Vector and prove yourself whether we win, lose or draw and we shall work on and improve on each performance. As I warned you Webber. Do not talk behind my back or the consequences shall be severe. Thus I have spoken and thus we shall make our vows of our team succeed."

(He roars and lightning and thunder are heard and he slams the coffin shut as the scene slowly fades to black.)

[thejerseydevildiva]

Act 1: Handicap Match?



Voice Over: Loyalty... A simple word... But it means more to me more than people know. All of my life I heard you have to be loyal to your family, to your friends, to Gawd... But most of all... Yourself. I plan on doin' what I can to keep my title and no one, not even my own team mate is goin' to take it from me... Not yet.


The scene opens on the beautiful city of Pittsburgh Pennsylvania. The camera moves over the city and soon comes to a stop on one of the hotels in the city. The camera moves up along the floors, and soon comes to a stop on one of the massive suites that seemed to take up one corner of the building. The camera soon stops on sliding glass doors, that were open letting the cool air in. The camera moves through the massive suite and soon stops in front of a set of double doors as we see a shadow move across the door. We see Joanne Canelli not dressed in her usual suit, but a t-shirt with the words "MAFIOSO" and on the back reads "WE GET PAID TO KICK YOUR ASS!" A pair of dark pants adorned her long legs and her hair was pulled back from her face once again. Her dark brown eyes seemed to shimmer in the sun that still managed to peek in through the heavy curtains that had been drawn in the massive master bedroom. She paces the room with a cellphone in hand and sighs pushing a piece of hair back from her face as she looks at herself in the mirror.

Joanne: Yeah I know... I didn't expect anyone to take that challenge so soon. Of course not. I'm not worried about Olympia or Sinclair. I mean sure I'll have someone to watch my back but she wants the title too... I'm not goin' down that easy. I just got it from Rios and I don't plan on losin' it anytime soon. Of course not... I'm not goin' to underestimate either one of them. I was wonderin' when I was goin' to hear from you anyway. I know we don't have a lot of titles but I figured I would give some of the other girls a chance but we all know that's not goin' to happen.

She smiles as she sits on the edge of he bed and leans back on her hand.

Joanne: Yeah I heard what she said. So what? She thinks she's big shit and that she's goin' to take my title away from me after what I just did to Rios? I don't think so. Just keep her friends away from ringside. Good... I'll see you in a few hours.

She soon hangs up, and tosses the phone to the side and gets to her feet as the door to the suite opens. Reno, Rude, Scarpaci, and Uh Oh walk into the suite with what could be described as bags that were almost see through from the grease from the Philly Cheese steaks that they had bought.

Rude: We brought dinner!

Joanne sighs as she walks out of the room, and looks at the bags that now sat on the massive dinning room table.

Joanne: No thanks... You can see through the bags...

Reno: That's the point boss...

Scarpaci: Yeah, you know how they are here. If you can't see through the bag it's not worth it.

Joanne: Thanks, but no thanks. I'm goin' to go out and get a... Bite.

Uh Oh: Be careful.

Joanne: I'll be fine. You know me. I'm a big girl and I'll watch my back. You guys enjoy the cheese steaks.

Rude: Are you sure boss?

Joanne: Yeah I'm sure. I'll be back soon.

She kisses Uh Oh and heads toward the door, and out into the hallway. She makes her way down the long hallway and soon reaches the elevator. Joanne presses the button and watches the numbers starting to come up.

Joanne: Olympia do you ever listen to yourself? I guess that you don't. I mean have you watched my matches? Did you see what happened to Rios?  If you did you know that I am no pushover and I will do everythin' that I can to make sure that you don't win and take what is rightfully mine. Tell me what have you done lately to make me sit up and take notice? Anythin'? I mean anythin' at all? No... I thought not. Olympia I have fought and clawed my way to the top and you are just another steppin' stone under my feet. You haven't stopped anyone from takin' titles away, or even been able to stand against Rios. But me... I did what they thought was impossible. I brought the dragon down.

She smiles as the elevator doors open and she steps inside. The doors close and she leans against the wall watching the numbers starting to go down.

Joanne: Sinclair... You and I are both KBG but only one of us can walk out the winner. I'm afraid that I have to make sure it's me at least for now.  You didn't stand against Rios and win. At least not for her title. You had a tag match. That's not the same. I plan on holdin' this title as long as I can and I'm sure that you will try everythin' that you can to stop me, but we all know that it's not goin' to be enough. You haven't held a title yet but you think you're goin' to get mine. No. I worked my hands to the bone to get where I am. You just showed up and think you're goin' to get a shot. Who have you faced that was so important? Anyone I know? That I have faced? Maybe... It doesn't matter to me for the simple fact that I know I'm better than both you and Olympia. I've been at this a long time and I plan when I do decide to go out, I go out on top where I belong.

The elevator doors soon open and Joanne steps out into the lobby, where she sees Glamorous Glenda walking through the front door. Joanne sighs but puts on a fake smile and greets Glenda as she approaches.

GG: Miss Canelli! It's so good to see you.

Joanne: You too. What can I help you with Glenda?

GG: Could I get a few words about your up coming match against Olympia and Sinclair?

Joanne: Of course. I'm sure they've both said somethin' by now...

GG: That they have. They both seem ready to face off against you, but the real question is are you ready for what is coming?

Joanne looks at her with a smirk forming on her dark lips.

Joanne: Actually I am. I know that Olympia thinks that she deserves my title but she doesn't. I've fought through everyone that the management has tossed against me, and after what I did to Rios should be enough to deter anyone from facin' off against me. I'm not afraid of Olympia and I think she realizes that I'm not goin' to go down that easy.

GG: I don't imagine that you are. Olympia is a strong opponent. Do you think that Sinclair will help you take Olympia down only to turn on you?

Joanne: That's always a possibility. I mean I know we're team mates and all but only one of us can walk away with the title in hand. But I'm afraid that I will be the only one that walks away with anythin'. I'm not goin' to let either one of them take my title away. Right now if I'm not mistaken I'm the only one in KBG that has a title. Do you really think that I'm goin' to let anyone else get their hands on it? No. I don't care if Sinclair is part of the stable, but she still hasn't done anythin' to prove her worth yet. I have.

GG: You've been through a lot and left only to come back stronger than you have ever have before.

Joanne: I learned when I left that the other Amazon's in the back are nothin' compared to me and that they had all gotten soft. And now when I come back they try to be all tough and willin' to fight for what isn't theirs. I think I brought somethin' out in all of them. So they should be on their knees thankin' me for comin' back and bringin' back some sort of life back to this division. But do they? No... They come at me tryin' to take me down and take my title away from me. I'm goin' to do whatever I can to keep it.

GG: Is there anything else that you want to say to either one of your opponents before your match?

Joanne looks down at the floor, and then back at Glenda with a strange looking smile on her face.

Joanne: Olympia, Sinclair time is dwindlin' down and soon the three of us will be in the middle of the ring. I know that the two of you are goin' to do everythin' that you can to take my title from me but I'm afraid that you can't have it. At least not yet. I just beat the holy hell out of Rios for it, and I'm not ready to give it up yet. You two can try to take it from me but whatever you do will never be enough to stop me. I will fight until there is nothin' left in me, because I know you two will do the same thin'. Give me a fight worth havin' and maybe... Maybe one of you will get lucky... But I somehow doubt that very much so. We are the Mafioso and we get paid to kick your ass see you and good luck you're goin' to need it.

GG: Thank you Miss Canelli and good luck.

Joanne: I'm not goin' to need it... They will though... Now if you excuse me I'm on my way out.

GG: Of course. Have a good day.

Joanne smiles and walks off heading out into the bright afternoon and puts a pair of dark glasses over her eyes as she walks along and the scene fades to black.

[Soutter]

[The KGB Theme blares thru the arena and the Bandit Mobil makes its way down thru the ramp way. Soutter and Bruno standing in the back. It drives down to ringside and they make their way into the ring. Soutter with his XHF Trios title on his shoulder.]

Soutter : First things first. I know what you all are thinking.

How can I let Bruno come down here with me, he should be keeping that lunatic Frostbite in check. And …. You're right. Turn your back on him for a second and he is capable of anything. But, The Big Dawg. He is no babysitter. Frosty is a grown ass man and he can look after himself just fine for a few minutes while we address the masses. If he gets himself into a mischief, so be it, I kinda like him like this anyway, on the edge. My back still needs to be watched also!

Heck. Even the girls want a piece of me, and we’ll get to that, in just a second, but while we are on Frostbite, man, that was one hell of a match against Eddie at The Memorial. You had him, had him. That’s wrestling though, anything can happen, but, seeing as your my boy and a Bandit to the Bone, even if you weren’t any promoter in the world would like to see another run of that epic encounter. So, at Hardkore Helloween! You get another shot at your baby!

Next week at the End of Days : Battlegrounds for Dismissal ,,, Greg Adkins gets his shot at the belt accepting Eddie’s open challenge to any Pirate. None of the others seemed too interested in that challenge, maybe if Eddie was visiting there they would be more inclined and try take advantage of another feds champion again, when called to man up though, their balls all seem to have shriveled like a turtle.

So. Adkins. You want it, you got it! You Vs the winner of Valentine and Eddie. Then at Helloween, Frostbite gets his shot at whoever holds the gold.

[Suit walks around the ring, letting the booking set in.]

Soutter : Now. You Blaze Freya!

You know this is all your fault … .right?

All the Bandits did was offer you a spot on the winning team.

You could have politely turned it down. But Noooooo.

You had to make a spectacle of your rejection. You had to be_you.

[Suit shakes his head at her stance to Bruno.]

Soutter : You had to declare war on the Bandits! And where has this gotten you? Defeat after defeat after defeat. Now, you want to come at ME! AND THINK I WILL WEAR YOUR SKIRT!!?

Not on your life!

And you want to call me a sexist?

I thought you were better than that. Listening to the haters?

You want to know where I stand on women facing men?

Tell me where we all went wrong. Where if a man believes what he has been brought up on his whole entire life, that it is WRONG to hit a WOMAN! That that makes him a sexist?

What is wrong with all of you people?

[Soutter is angering.]

Soutter : So sure. Maybe ONE woman in a generation can take it to the guys. Maybe. Chyna sorta did, I mean, won what, a handful of matches against the boys?

Suuuuure … maybe ONE midget dwarf lightweight David. Can slay a Goliath. MAYBE!

You all think YOU ALL CAN!

I got news for you. YOU CAN'T!

[Soutter looks right into the camera.]

Soutter : You all triggered fucks rant and scream that anyone can believe what they want to believe! That that is how it should be … until someone believes differently from you. Then you label them names. Sexist. Misogynist.

Why? Because they were raised and believe men shouldn’t assault women?

So here in lies the quandary. How can I win? I don’t want to fight no girl. There is nothing in it for me.

BUTTTT …. She attacked ME! She challenged ME! So … you want it …. YOU GOT IT!

Be careful what you wish for Freya! Cause you poked the bear! And now …. It’s time to pay the Piper! You want to mess with the big boys, throw stips around, two can play at that and I just called your bluff out and after we are done, it won’t be me wearing a skirt … won’t be you either … cause you’ll be wrestling BUTT NAKED! And I like it like that!

[Lucky Linda]

”We are joined by Lucky Linda La Fey” says Katie Moss standing in front of a SWAT Banner. Katie is holding the mic and Linda is wearing her top selling wanna get lucky t shirt. “Linda, tonight you join Death Trap against the former Tag Team champions of the KGB … Armand and Frostbite. Tell me, what are your thoughts going into this match up?”

“My thoughts Katie” responds Linda “are bring it on! I am not afraid of them stinky Bandits. And Death Trap! Who wouldn’t want to go to battle with that warrior.”

“You have been tagging up for a while now with Blaze Freya. Is that team no longer?” asks Katie.

“Well, Blaze and I .. we are not … how would you say it … tag team exclusive” jokes Linda. “She has her own battles to fight see … and so do I … I have her back all the way and she mine, I also have DT’s back! And anyones back who wants to stand up to the KGB!”

“How does this all work Linda?” asks Katie “We all know you are involved with Paul, but you have been able so far to keep that separate, do you see it becoming a factor at any stage down the line?”

“I don’t Katie.” responds Linda. “See, as I stated previously when Paul made the decision to rejoin the KGB. I support Paul. He makes his own decisions and I make mine. Sure I may not agree with all of his, and probably he doesn't mine either. Who does agree with everyone's thoughts? Not this lady luck that's for sure. But I understand what he wants and who he is and he understands what I want and who I am.”

“Sure, that sounds really sensible.” agrees Katie “But then he goes and tells Blaze she is going to wrestle naked if he beats her?”

“Well, that's between them, she is a big girl and can look after herself just fine. And she asked for the fight and wanted to put him in a skirt, I know him well enough to know that that would escalate”

“So, who are you cheering for in that one?” asks Katie

“Well, I am looking at it from a fans point of view, and whether it ends up Paul in the Skirt or Blaze without one, either way, it’s going to make for some highly entertaining viewing.” answers Linda.

“You were unsuccessful at the Memorial against Devon D’Andre … what happened there?” asks Katie.

“What happened was. He beat me. One, Two, Three. It happens now and then. I don’t begrudge it, I embrace it. Anyone can be humble in victory and run around saying how they can’t believe they won and how shocked they are when they won and their opponent was sooo unlucky not to have beaten them. But then when you lose. That is where the real person comes out. Humble in victory. Sure, who can’t be. Gracious in defeat though. That’s another story. Not me though. I congratulate Devon on his win, he is one fine wrestler and it was an honor to go up against him. I hope to again some day. Maybe then the tables will turn and I will be the one with my arm raised. Maybe not. Who is to know, all I know is win or lose, I give my all for my fans each and every time I lace these boots.”

“And tonight will be no different. I will go out there and I will give all I have. Every ounce of energy. I have been working on my stamina, and I can run rings around them Bandits. They say it’s not how hard you hit, but how hard you can get hit and keep getting back up. Well, I am still getting back up and that is not about to change. It’s funny too, the more I get back up and keep fighting, the harder I work, the luckier I get. And I got a question for you ARMAND! And you FROSTBITE! You are about to go to war with Lady Luck and Death Trap, Do you have what it takes to keep up? Do you think you can match skills with US? Do you feel lucky? Well? Do ya? Punks?”

“That was Lucky Linda, ready for action later tonight!” says Katie signing off as Linda poses for the camera.

[Cross Recoba]

We once more rejoin Katie Moss and Cross Recoba for another part of the interview he agreed to upon signing with SWAT.

Katie Moss: How do you feel about the AWF closing, seeing its stars scatter across the XHF Universe?

Cross ponders the question for a second.

Recoba: I’m none too happy, but that’s more to do with the fact I found myself in a funk and I wanted to go out on a high when the curtain came down on the last Clash of the Icons. That’s my internal grudge to bear. The reality of it is that the closing of Ascension Wrestling presents the largest opportunity for every company on the Network to prosper.

Katie Moss: How do you mean?

Recoba: Just look at how the talent has dispersed. You’ve got Sniper, Kota and myself here alone. Look at NLW, Granger, Sanders, and Ryan Young. That’s two rosters alone that have managed to boost their ranks and give their audiences something different to what they’ve seen before.

Katie Moss: No lingering regrets about the fact that you’ve faced none of the people you just named on the NLW roster?

Recoba: None at all, if I need to face them it’ll be representing SWAT on the Network stage, hopefully at End of Days. The one thing I’d say about this place is - I’m the guy who can bring home the X Crown for the first time since...well...

Katie Moss: Caffrey?

Cross takes a deep glug from his glass of water to disguise the disgust on his face. As he places the glass back down the cameras show no trace of the grimace that had formed on his face.

Recoba: He’s on that list, you know, the one every wrestler keeps to tally up people he wants to beat in the ring and it’s not because of any title he ever held. I missed him on the way into AWF and then, when he held the big belt, he tried to get me to come to SWAT and face off against him for it.

Moss' eyebrows are piqued.

Katie Moss: Why didn’t you?

Recoba: It’s going to sound extremely petty but simple. Do I want the X-Crown title? Yes. Do I respect Caffrey? Not in the slightest but he didn’t get it. Zoran, I could admire the  bald-faced approach to the dark arts. God knows I got honors in those myself, but he also carried himself as champion...to quote someone who once worked here, it was champ shit. Caffrey? How do you respect a champion who plasters the belt on a face mask? It’d be like turning up at my mother’s church and asking what the difference between a hooker and Jesus is - you’re not going to appeal to your audience in either situation.

The cameras once more fade out.

[Kyle]

Sequestered to the locker room of The ReVenants, Keith Williams rubs his chin as he gawks at a staircase of milk crates situated near the lockers. Jeff Noon holds a calculator, punching buttons on it and sighing. Oxford Osland has positioned himself on the other side of the room. Glancing up, the Unbelievable looks down at the SWAT Television Championship that's sat beside him on a bench.

Jeff Noon: "This is the tenth time I've crunched the numbers, Keith! There's no possible way Rally should have won that Iron Man Rib Off!"

Keith Williams: "Yeah, that's what I figured. The crap sammies alone would've sealed it for me. I'm demanding a recount! There's rib tally suppression, I know it!"

Jeff Noon: "It's tally fraud is what it is! The results are fake! I ate one of those poop subs by accident! It was awful!"

Keith Williams: "I didn't want to say anything, but... Your breath smelled like shit."

Jeff Noon: "Because I ate shit!"

Keith Williams: "I know that now..."

Putting his calculator away, Noon notices that Williams hasn't stopped looking at the crates.

Jeff Noon: "Are you still contemplating doing the milk crate challenge, Keith? I don't think that's a good idea. It's really dangerous and you don't want to injure yourself before your match against Rally."

Keith Williams: "Shut up, Jeff. I'm a grown man. If I want to do the milk crate challenge..."

Continuing to rub his chin, Keith finishes the sentence.

Keith Williams: "...I'll do it."

Jeff Noon: "Is someone feeling moody?"

Keith Williams: "No."

Jeff Noon: "Are you sure?"

Keith Williams: "Yes."

Jeff Noon: "Are you positive?"

Keith Williams: "Yes."

Jeff Noon: "What's with the one word replies, pal?"

Keith Williams: "I'm practicing my best douchebag routine."

Jeff Noon: "Okay... You know you can open up. It's just me and Ox."

Keith Williams: "If it'll make you shut up..."

Inhaling as much as he can, the Ultimate Kingpin lets forth a burst of frustration.

Keith Williams: "I'M TIRED OF WAITING FOR MY SHOT AT THE SWAT WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT TITLE! JONNIE VALENTINE? JONNIE VALENTINE? JONNIE FUCKING VALENTINE? IT ISN'T ENOUGH HIS KID WAS SPOONFED THE XHF X*CROWN CHAMPIONSHIP?! I'M THE ULTIMATE KINGPIN! I BEAT EDWARD MY SECOND MATCH IN THIS COMPANY! IT'S TIME MY DICK GOT SUCKED! EVERYBODY EXCEPT ME IS BEING REWARDED!"

Is he done? Nope.

Keith Williams: "GOLDEN GOD? CAN THAT CLAIM BE MADE ANYMORE ABOUT RALLY JACKSON? REMIND ME WHEN THE SOCIETY OF THE NEW BREED STILL MATTERED. OH WAIT, THAT'S RIGHT, THEY DON'T! THIS FARCE OF A MATCH IS AN IMPEDIMENT TO MY CROWNING AS A SWAT WORLD TAG TEAM CHAMPION AND SWAT WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION! YOU WANT TO SEE ME CUT UP A PIG? I'LL OBLIGE, BUT THIS ISN'T SUITABLE FOR A 2021 ANZAC CUP WINNER!"

There's dead silence for a bit and then the manager of The ReVenants speaks.

Jeff Noon: "Wow. Don't you feel better?"

Keith Williams: "Not really."

Jeff Noon: "What can I do?"

Keith Williams: "The milk crate challenge."

Jeff Noon: "What?!"

Keith Williams: "You heard me, Jeff."

Jeff Noon: "I don't want to."

Keith Williams: "Fine!"

Gulping, Noon summons the courage to attempt the challenge and walks up to the crates. Keith eagerly watches as Jeff steps onto the first box. Slowly stepping his way up, Jeff manages to get to the middle tower. As he goes to move forward, Noon missteps and goes flying, landing directly on his head as he falls. Other than the sound of crates crashing, there's a slight yelp that escapes the manager as he lands.

Keith Williams: "You weren't lying, Jeff, it is dangerous."

Not bothering to help him, Williams simply keeps observing the carnage as Noon writhes in pain.

[SWAT Team]

Frank Salazar: The following contest is scheduled for one fall! Featuring first the challengers. Dakota Jennings and Cross Recoba. They are Rekota!

The lights in the arena cut out as a static noise. The static changes to the muted bass notes and snare drum for Royal Blood’s Out of the Black. The video screen flashes in time with the beat from darkness to a golden background with the word ‘ReKota’ written in blood red. Dakota Jennings comes out as alternate red and gold pyros shoot from the stage. The screen now reads ‘THE FOX AND THE FIRECRACKER’. Dakota wears a smile as the crowd meet her with cheers. The red of her one shouldered chiffon dress matches the red on the screen. She motions to the entrance as Cross Recoba steps out, no such attire for him. He steps to her, Silver Lionhead cane in hand. He embraces her before twirling her away and uses the cane to unhook her dress revealing her ring attire. As the music settles down into the verse they walk arm in arm to the ring.

The fans continue to be split between boos for Cross and cheers for Dakota as they reach ringside, Dakota hopping up on the ring apron as Cross rests his cane against the steps before climbing them. The two enter the ring.

Jeremy Tucker: Rekota have made an impact since their arrival here in SWAT. They look to continue that momentum by rolling over Psychotic Gooth and David Vector.

Andrew Fulton: How could one even consider being able to defeat the Gothic Prince of Darkness?

Jeremy Tucker: Are you being serious?

Andrew Fulton: No. Goth is like the company’s welcome mat. Everyone gets to wipe their feet off on him on their way in.

Jeremy Tucker : More like he welcomes them to HIS boot! He sorts the men from the mice! Tonight we will find out which Rekota is.

Andrew Fulton : Dakota is neither.

Frank Salazar: And their opponents…Psychotic Goth and “the Rookie” David Vector!

Evil green mist bellows out of the ring entrance as a woman screams and Psychotic Goth laughing maniacally as "Welcome To Your Death" by Annihilator plays and Vampira leads Psychotic Goth to ringside in chains while holding Psychotic Goth's homemade weapon. He ignores the ringsiders and stops at the ring for Vampira to unlock the chains and Psychotic Goth rubs his wrists hard as he climbs the ringsteps and enters the ring and stands in his corner. He slowly takes off his trenchcoat and jewelry before he lowers his head and raises his arms before throwing his head back revealing his pale handsome gothlike looks looking and snarling like a demonic maniac crazed and intimidating as he is given his homemade weapon and he caresses it before placing it in his corner for Vampira to hold until it's time for Psychotic Goth to use it.

"Gimme Back My Bullets" by Lynyrd Skynyrd hits the arena speakers and David Vector "The Rookie" jogs out onto the ramp. The state flag of Virginia, The Stars and Stripes and pictures of Vector training in the gym flash up on the SWAT-tron screens. Vector accepts the applause that greets him by applauding them back in gratitude. Vector slaps the outstretched hands of the fans at the guard rail as he takes a slow jog out to the ring. Vector soaks in the atmosphere, jogs up the ring steps, wipes his feet on the apron and hops through the ropes. Vector scales the turnbuckles throws up his arms to accept their adulation, punches the air and jumps confidently down into the ring. The music fades and Vector stretches out his biceps and quads in preparation for the match.

Jeremy Tucker: Goth and Vector have come together to form a team after battling it out in Vector's debut and Goth seeing something in the youngster..

Andrew Fulton: Well doesn’t that just bring a tear to the eye.

Jeremy Tucker: Looks like Cross Recoba is going to start the match with Psychotic Goth.

Andrew Fulton: Psychotic Goth isn’t even looking at Cross Recoba as the match starts. He’s looking down at the mat? Cross Recoba looks confused and begins to approach him. Goth suddenly whips his head up to reveal his dark, handsome looks. The move startles Cross and gives Goth the chance to take him down with a spear.

Jeremy Tucker: Goth mounts Cross and lays into him with lefts and rights before Cross manages to kick him off. Cross stands up and exchanges a few punches with Goth before pulling him down in a side headlock.

Andrew Fulton: Cross releases the side headlock and drops back to grab Goth from behind, hitting a German suplex.

Jeremy Tucker: Cross hops up and goes for the ropes, on the rebound he goes for a running elbow drop, but Goth rolls out of the way so that Cross hits nothing but mat!

Andrew Fulton: You would think that Goth’s ego is so big that even missing him would still cause some kind of harm.

Jeremy Tucker: Goth jumps to his feet and tags in David Vector. Cross gets up and tags in Dakota Jennings. Two fresh people in the ring now.

Andrew Fulton: David and Dakota lock up in the center of the ring with a collar elbow tie up. They push against one another, pushing each other back a few steps in turn. This goes on until Dakota breaks the hold and whips David into the ropes!

Jeremy Tucker: On the rebound, Dakota runs at David and hits him full in the face with a running open palm strike! Blood splatters from the impact as David’s nose is mashed! David drops to the mat and rolls around on the mat with both hands going to the nose that is gushing blood. Dakota stands there with blood on her hand and splattered dots of blood across her face with a smile!

Andrew Fulton: What an impact by Dakota! Hey, you remember when she nearly burned Pepe Morales to death at the last year’s End of Days? Good times.

Jeremy Tucker: Dakota begins to pull the bloody David up, but he seizes her by the arm. He gets to his feet while holding the arm and applies a hammerlock, quickly converting it into a scoop slam!

Andrew Fulton: Come on Dakota! Take out this Rookie!.

Jeremy Tucker: Dakota gets right back up, but David grabs her and tosses her across the ring with a judo throw!

Andrew Fulton: As Dakota gets up, David grabs her and locks in another hammerlock. This time, he cinches it in without the scoop slam. The ref checks to see if Dakota will submit, but she refuses.

Jeremy Tucker: David drags Dakota toward the center of the ring and hits a backstabber on the locked arm in a move he calls Hammer-Time. He rolls her over and goes for the pinfall.

Andrew Fulton: One, tw-no! Dakota kicks out!

Jeremy Tucker: David gets to his feet where he is met by a rising Dakota, who must have gotten up faster than he thought she was going to. David goes for a knife edge chop, but Dakota catches the arm. She whips him into the ropes.

Andrew Fulton: As David returns, she hits a spinning heel kick. She steps back with a grin and tags in Cross Recoba.

Jeremy Tucker: Cross goes to the top turnbuckle. He leaps through the air and misses with an elbow drop!

Andrew Fulton: David Vector greets Cross as he jumps up, applying a half-nelson that he quickly shifts into a swinging neckbreaker! He calls that move the Bandoleer!

Jeremy Tucker: David pulls Cross up to his feet and pulls him into a big boot! A ripcord big boot that he calls the Bolt Action!

Andrew Fulton: Two signature moves in a row. David Vector is on fire right now. Can he actually pull a win off, despite the fact that he was teamed up with Psychotic Goth?

Jeremy Tucker: David Vector grabs Cross by the arm and goes for the omoplata arm lock, but Cross scoots over and manages to get his arm away from David long enough to bring the elbow down right between David’s legs for a low blow!

Andrew Fulton: That has got to hurt!

Jeremy Tucker: Cross gets David up and puts him into the tombstone position! Does he hit it? YES! The jumping, spinning tombstone piledriver called All Night in Dakota! Cross goes for the pinfall!

Andrew Fulton: Psychotic Goth is starting to step through the ropes to help his partner, but SMACK! Dakota Jennings has just swept around the ring and smashed him in the back with a steel chair! The ref pays them no mind as Goth falls outside of the ring and goes to count the pinfall.

Jeremy Tucker: One…two…three!

Andrew Fulton: David did that move just a little bit wrong. A rookie mistake that Cross capitalized on. Goth is fuming!

Frank Salazar: Winners of the match via pinfall…Rekota!

Jeremy Tucker: Goth and Vector tried their best, but Dakota and Cross had their number.

Andrew Fulton: Yeah, I hear that Rekota are going places here in SWAT.

Jeremy Tucker: So are Goth and Vector, this is a learning curve, they will come back from this.

Andrew Fulton: What's Goth even doing teaming with this Rookie, he was the World Champ! He just creamed him in the ring, now, he wants to tag up with him?

Jeremy Tucker : I like him. He has heart and is willing to pay the price. You watch, he will make it here. Look at Goth, glaring at ReKota. They don’t care though.

Andrew Fulton : Winners are grinners. Experience told the tale tonight. Vector looked flashy there for a bit, but should have tagged in Goth, neck minute, it's all over!

[Jonnie Valentine]

Jonnie Valentine's Mysteries of the Unknown

Hello, and welcome to Jonnie Valentine's "Mysteries of the Unknown" where we take a comprehensive look at the things that can no longer be ignored. I am your host, and fellow traveler on this journey, Jonnie Valentine. Today we are looking for the lost treasure of Captain Neckbeard

(Shot of old painting of Captain Neckbeard)

It was 1814, and Captain Neckbeard had made his bloody reputation up and down the eastern seaboard, robbing merchant ships and even US frigates.

(Shots of paintings of old ships in battle)

Flush with gold and looking for somewhere to stow it, he did what apparently was the only option for pirates. Bury it underground and hope you didn't die of a mosquito bite or a mild cold before you could dig it up. While no one in history was ever able to actually claim their life's savings doing this, it was still widely practiced for some odd reason. Anyway, Captain Neckbeard died of a mosquito bite hours after burying his gold and it's location has been hidden to this day...

Until Now.

(B roll of Jonnie pointing at things, cameramen running, and shovels digging in the sand)

Satellite imagery, new innovations in topography exploration, and other multicolored things have co-triangulated into one spot in the wilds of southern New Jersey where archaeologists like myself have decided it must be. I'll take you along with me as we finally find...

The Lost Treasure of Captain Neckbeard

While training for my SWAT World Championship match against Eddie D I was given the tip of a lifetime. Intelligence that the Lost Treasure of Captain Neckbeard may be at Ocean Beach, New Jersey of all places. Conveniently located near the hotel where I still had a free night when I shot my Lost City of Diamonds episode in Atlantic City. As soon as I landed, I decided to talk to the local natives about the hidden fortune.

(Jonnie speaks with a local chieftain named Ant-nee)

Anthony: Yo, I heard about that bullshit but I ain't tryin to hear that shit, I don't know nuttin bout dat, son, but I tell you who do got some booty. Ya mutter.

(Jonnie squints in confusion, turns to his translator, coincidentally, also named Ant-nee)

Translator Anthony: He has heard the tales but he fears to believe such a gift from the Gods could exist. Also, your mother is a whore.

(Jonnie sagely nods, and then thanks the man)

After that, it was to the excavation site itself, ground zero for the Lost Treasure of Captain Neckbeard I met up with local treasure hunter Stevie Dion.

(Stevie Dion is wearing coke bottle glasses, tall black socks, sandals, and boating shorts. He blinks at the camera as Jonnie has his arm around him)

"No Nickname Needed" Jonnie Valentine: Hello, and I am here with Stevie Dion, local treasure hunter, and Stevie. This is very exciting,you claim that you have figured out the riddle of Captain Neckbeard's treasure map.

Stevie Dion: (blinks for several seconds) That's right, John, The map says that the "If yer lust for gold be sharp as a knife, the treasure be at the crossing of the empty cup and the bag of life.

Jonnie Valentine: That's right, that clue has always confounded the experts...

Steve Dion: Until now.

Jonnie Valentine: Until now!

Steve Dion: I have found the very place described in Captain Chantillius Neckbeard describes, right here in Ocean Beach, New Jersey.

Jonnie Valentine: And you are seeing it all, live, here on Mysteries of the Unknown with Jonnie Valentine.

(Stevie begins using his metal detector over the beach and it begins beeping and faster over a particular part of sand)

Jonnie Valentine: You hear that beeping? Guys? I think we need to dig right there.

(Jonnie, Stevie, and the excavation crew begin digging. Suddenly Jonnie hits a metallic clank)

Jonnie Valentine: This could be the Lost Treasure of Captain Neckbeard.

(Jonnie, Stevie and the excavation crew start sifting through the sand)

Jonnie Valentine: So it appears to be...am empty can of White Claw. And a used condom.

Stevie Dion: "An empty cup and the bag of life."

Jonnie Valentine: I don't believe this...we probably just found the Lost Treasure of Captain Neckbeard.

(Jonnie Valentine and Stevie Dion embrace as the camera crew and excavation guys hoot and holler. Cut to the digging of the beach by dozens of archaeology students. Jonnie paces back and forthing, supervising while eating from a box of Cheez-Its)

Jonnie Valentine: April 4th, 2020. That's the day your SWAT World Heavyweight Championship reign ended, Eddie Spaghetti. Tiger King was the biggest thing in the World. Coronavirus could be cured by drinking disinfectant. Celebrities healed a fearful nation by singing "Imagine" on their phones. While you were not even a blip in the SWAT main event picture yet, that was the day you effectively ended any possibility of you holding the belt any longer than tonight. That was the night you decided to grab the pencil in the form of that baseball bat and, stunner, so that you get to decide who the SWAT World Champion is.

Andrew Fulton : Eddie enters and nods in way of understanding and watches Valentine back off to the turnbuckles behind him… Eddie squares up with his bat over the fallen Trent Jones… He looks out at the crowd… Even though they don’t like Jones there’s an atmosphere out there that says this isn’t right… Jones is stirring and looks to be getting up… Eddie lifts the bat high as Valentine looks on, amused and relaxed, resting in the turnbuckles… Eddie slams the bat down hard… But hits the canvas next to Trent Jones’ head?!... The crowd at ringside can see that he’s missed, but Jonnie is just confused at the crowd reaction and the sound the bat made… Eddie twists around and erupts from his haunches with the bat at chest height and splashes Valentine! Crushing him in the turnbuckles!?...

Jeremy Tucker : Valentine’s nose is bleeding where the middle of the baseball bat met his face in that colossal splash… Eddie drops the bat as Valentine staggers out of the corner…. HEADACHE FROM HELL!!! (Stunner)… Valentine is down… Eddie crosses over to the referee and tries to bring him around… Trent Jones gets to his feet… Eddie and Jones square up to one another… and then have a massive brotherly hug and pat each other on the back… Eddie shakes off his black duster jacket to reveal a Graveyard Ryders sleeveless biker jacket underneath! ... Eddie has joined Mr Bone’s biker gang?!

Andrew Fulton : I should have seen it coming… Valentine is moving again but barely… The referee is awake enough to be asking why Eddie is there… Eddie comically hides the baseball bat behind him and leaves the ring quietly… Jones locks in a sleeper hold on a struggling Jonnie Valentine… Takes the hold down to the canvas… Jones wraps his legs around Valenine’s mid-section… It’s the LIGHTS OUT MOTHER FUCKER! Valentine has gone still… The referee is there to raise Valentine’s hand…

…once … twice… and the hand drops for a third and final time!

Winner by TKO and NEW SWAT HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION… TRENT JONES.

Jeremy Tucker : This is a travesty of justice. They have a mic. in the ring. Trent Jones had better explain himself.

(Jonnie turns to his digging students)

Jonnie Valentine: Find anything?

Grad Student: (wipes his brow) So far it's alot of single flip flops. (swallows while panting) Could that be the Lost Treasure of Captain Neckbeard?

Jonnie Valentine: (briefly considers it) That doesn't sound right. Let's keep at it. (back to camera) We all remembered what happened next, Eddie. Down houses, killing towns with antisemitic rants on the house mics, and porn promos with characters named Goth Girl. That was the guy you wanted on top, at the expense of your own title hopes. You're goddamn right this wasn't over when you let a jacket cost you whatever that made up title is called these days. We're trying to talk about the main event spot, the top guy payoff, and you're bringing up when I did you a favor and gave you a graceful exit? Is that why you look like your sister just broke up with you? You're also correct in assuming I hate the KGB more than I hate you, and that's about the extent of it. Two for two. Ding, ding. Give that man a cigar.

(Jonnie Valentine stops in his tracks. A seagull eyes his box of Cheez-Its. Jonnie looks down at his box of Cheez-Its. When he looks back, one seagull has become dozens.)

Jonnie Valentine: (startled) Gaah!

(The eerie silence is punctuated by the roar of the waves and the seagulls cawing. Jonnie just lays the box of Cheez-Its down in front of their leader. Then slowly backs away)

Jonnie Valentine: You can work out as much as you want, Ed. You don't need anymore hammer curls. Nothing about your deltoid strength is going to make the difference in this match. I'm the best wrestler in SWAT, I'm the best draw in SWAT, hell, I'm even the best father in SWAT. My boy won the X Crown, everyone should turn their World's Best Dad mugs in to me as a tribute. But the Valentine Takeover of the XHF continues with the SWAT World Championship. If you want to dance, you have to pay the piper and my receipt is coming, don't you question that for a second. It's time to right that terrible wrong, and take back my title.

Intern: Ugh!

(The rest of the archaeology group express a similar sentiment, holding their noses and gasping for air)

Jonnie Valentine: Jesus Christ, did you guys actually find something?? (to cameraman) This has never happeneed before! Quick, get a shot of them calling me over and says "Jon-Bear? I think we found something. You better get over here and take a look." Ok and action!

Intern: Um, Jon Boy? I think we...

Jonnie Valentine: (exasperated) Let me just see what you found.

(Jonnie stomps over there and then is stopped by the smell)

Jonnie Valentine: Ugh, who is that?

Grad Student: Looks like a dead mafia guy? We hit the plastic he's wrapped in and the gas bubble just burst.

Jonnie Valentine: (covers mouth and nose) It smells like hamburger helper left out in the sun.

Joey Lollipops: Good evening.

(Entire group screams as an Italian gentleman in a pinstripe suit is standing on the beach at night. They quickly cover the body with a tarp)

Joey Lollipops: (takes his dum dum lollipop and moves it to the other side) What are yous doing out here, digging up the beach?

Jonnie Valentine: (panicked) We were...we were...

Joey Lollipop: Wait a second, I get what's going on here.

Jonnie Valentine: You do?

Joey Lollipop: Yeah. (moves sucker to the other side of his mouth) You looking for that Lost Treasure of Captain Neckbeard. Am I right?

Jonnie Valentine: (sighs with relief) We are.

Joey Lollipop: Yeah, knock yourself out. I used to come out here with my friend looking for the same thing. Until one day he told me he was going back to his wife. (voice breaks) And I just got...so angry. (wells up with tears) I'm sorry. I hope he knows that.

Jonnie Valentine: (sniffles) I think if he was here right now, he would tell you he does. 

Joey Lollipop: Thanks. Oh, and by the way, I'm Joey Lollipop. I earned that name due to my skills at oral.

Jonnie Valentine: (solemnly nods) Of course.

Joey Lollipop: Anyway, I hope you and your kids hope what you're looking for.

Jonnie Valentine: Thanks.

(Joey Lollipop walks down the beach. When the coast is clear, everyone looks at the grad student who assumed the dead body was in the mafia)

Grad Student: What? Sorry. Jeez.

[BlazeFNfreya]

“Ahh, the typical “alpha” male response…”



-We fade into the five-star hotel room of none other than SWAT’s very own Bratty Brit, Blaze Freya, just as she was finishing up getting dressed; slipping on a white tank top over her bra. She has on a pair of Chuck Taylor’s with Daisy Duke’s, dressed for the hot weather or perhaps to draw our attention-

“Twisting my words n’ adding confusion to the argument rather than actually defending yourself. See, I never straight up called you a sexist, I simply stated there were accusations. I also stated that you weren’t helping yourself out by trying to degrade and humiliate one of your top female prospects. All you’re doing is proving those who make these accusations right! It isn’t me saying you’re a sexist, it’s YOU! With every foul-mouthed, crude comeback designed to what? Make me wanna dress like a nun to the ring just to feel comfortable?”

-The Blackpool Bombshell motions down toward her body, pointing out her current attire-

“Mission bloody FAILED, Soutter! I’ve always been confident in my body n’ I’m even more confident heading into this match knowing how easy it will be to strip you of your manhood! That’s right. You don’t like losing to girls??? How about you dress like one, find out how much of an insult it is to be looked at as such an inferior wrestler because of it. Yeah? See how long The KGB follows around Mister Tough Guy as he angrily prances the halls in his new dress.”

-She laughs uncontrollably at the image planted in her head, shrugging her shoulders and bouncing up and down on the bed a few times-

“Who knows? Maybe that’s what’s been missing all along, maybe the dress will make you the leader you always should have been. Maybe The KGB will become the most beloved alliance in SWAT, rather than the most hated. Or, maybe they’ll boot your ass like they did Eddie D the moment HE lost to a girl? -Shrugs a second time- I don’t know, but I know I have what it takes to beat you and put you in that situation in the first place. I know you’ve been stinkin’ up the locker room for far too long so I’ll toss in a bottle of that new perfume as well when I show the world just how SWEET, “Suit” really is!!”

-We fade to black as we inch our way closer to bell-time for this match, every minute passing by shortening our wait before we’ll find out which one of these two will leave victorious, and which one will leave humiliated to extremes never before witnessed. Find out! Only on SWAT!-

[frostbite]

# Back in the Locker Room #

We see Frostbite taping up both of his hands, he slowly tapes up his right hand with black tape as he keeps rolling the tape over and over again, he takes his teeth as he rips off the final piece as he puts the final touches on the hand. Frostbite taps his right hand into the palm of his left hand as a wicked grin comes across his lips as if to basically saying it is good enough. Frostbite looks up as he sees Paul Soutter in the ring along with Bruno standing right behind him. Frostbite walks over to the tv monitor as he turns up the volume and then goes back to sitting on the green bench. He closely listens to what the boss as to say. We have here lately seen Frostbite bring into the locker room a brown leather chair but on this night no chair is to be found, and no Texas Pete or even his cellphone can be seen or should we say his love if you will. Frostbite reaches down to the floor as he grabs more black tape as he begins to wrap up his left hand as he continues to listen to the boss.

Suddenly another wicked grin comes across his lips when Paul tells the world that Frostbite will be granted another shot at the SWAT World title.

Frostbite: Thanks boss. That son of a bitch simply got lucky, but he will not so lucky the next time because I promise we will finally be together as true love should be. This world should know that you can never keep true love apart for so long. I failed her once again and I allowed Eddie to somehow defeat me. That should have never happened, but I promise you on Rebecca's grave that I will not miss anymore, we will be together.

He finishes tapping up his left hand as he once again he takes his teeth and rips away he tape and then tosses it up against the locker room wall. He gets up from the bench, as he walks over to a nearby locker.

Frostbite: I must wait a little bit longer for my love and I, to finally be together but in the meantime I must see if Eddie holds onto her. Hell by then Johnnie could have her, or someone else but to me it does not matter because she will be mine before long. I know you hear me my love, I have promise you this over and over again and I know by now that my words are simply just that. I have not delivered on them. I feel, really bad, I should treat you with so much more respect a lady such as yourself deserves the very best. You should have whatever you want, you should have every wish granted. I have done my best to shower you with plenty of gifts, I have bought you everything.

Frostbite shakes his head.

Frostbite: But I see it is not enough. I am at my wits end love. I do not know what else to do. Maybe there comes a point where just maybe, you do not want me. Maybe you feel better off being treated like crap. I do not understand why? How many times must I continue to repeat myself. I love you, but again it must not be good enough. Maybe, I should just give up the chase because it appears to be that you just do not want me. Please my love tell me that I am wrong?

Frostbite punches the locker that he is standing right in front of as he puts a dent in it.

Frostbite: I have other business to attend to. I can not stand here and cry for you any longer my love. I have to stand by Armand side this evening and take care of two thorns in the KGB side. Armand and myself held the tag team titles for a long period of time and we do deserve a rematch and I am sure Paul will be working on that and the three time champs, will drop those tag team titles right back to the KGB. Maybe those lovely ladies care of us more than you care for me, because that appears to be the case. here I go once again on and on about this. I need to get you out of my head. Maybe it was not meant to be. It hurts me deeply because I have never felt this way about anybody in a long time. Not since my Rebecca left this earth. That is how much I care for you. When I compare you to the love of my life that is a very high honor. But I must bury my feelings for you deep down in my soul because there are other fish out in the sea. right?

Frostbite turns his attention back to the tv monitor as he is now listening to one of his opponents later on this evening in Lucky Linda.

Frostbite: Linda we both came up short in our quest, so now we are moving forward, but I plan on running right through you. Linda you really believe that you can stop the KBG. I know maybe at times it appears that you are fighting that one man crusade or should I say woman, but it appears others have decided to help you out and it to be honest it is completely pathetic. Your partner Death Trap has decided to help you with your cause. You have pleaded your case to Eddie D and anybody else that truly believes that have a chance in hell of getting rid of the KGB. Linda look at what we have done, we have held just about every damn belt in this company. Hell we have step outside of SWAT and won the trios title, it simply proves our dominance not only here but anywhere we decide to go. Linda, I will admit as I stand here, I do not nothing against you at all. Hell I know you are talented make no mistake about it. I am sure the boss sees that. Maybe you should join us and maybe save yourself a beating at our hands. I know your pride will get the best of you. Leave that idiot Death Trap behind and walk over to the dark side. Linda, trust me, it does not matter if you are a man or woman or even a child you are still going to get your ass kicked later on tonight.

Frostbite walks over as he cuts off the TV monitor.

Frostbite: Which leads me to Death Trap. No noise from you. Where in the hell are you? I would like to believe that maybe you realize that going against the KGB is just too much to handle and you have decided to walk away from this and leave you partner high and dry. But I know better, you are like Linda, you are both too damn stupid for your own good. You got to stand up for what is right. There is that damn pride, but you can choke on it, and tonight, I will make sure you choke on it. Death Trap, you have made your mark and I get it. You have beaten many, I know how capable of a foe you really are. But you are like many others that I have been in that ring with for 20 years. You are a legend in these parts. But think about it, you have only done it in this federation right? That is a big difference between you and I. For 20 years I have made a name for myself in many different companies. People in this business know who I am? But do people really know who you are? Tonight, it is time to make you part of something very special. You can be part of history maybe the wrong side of it but nevertheless a part of it. You are going another footnote not in only the KGB history but part of mine.

Frostbite laughs.

Frostbite: Let's just say you have a death wish and tonight we are going to collect.

Suddenly there is a knock on the locker room door. Frostbite takes a walk toward the door as he open it, he looks from side to side but does not see anybody around. However he looks down at his feet as he sees the SWAT World title. He once again look side to side and still sees nobody. He reaches down as he picks up the title as he simply has a puzzled look on his face. He flips the title over and then he realizes that it is a replica belt like that ones that you can pick up either online or at the merchandise stand. He looks down as he sees a piece of white paper he reaches down to pick that up as he unfolds the paper, there is something written on it, as he begins to read.

Dear love,

I thought since you have been giving me several lovely gifts I realize that I have never gotten you anything at all. I know you really care about me. I feel the same way about you. I hope this token of my love for you will be enough until we can be together. I really do care about you, I know I have not shown it but I really do care about you. I know that you will never let up until we are finally together once and for all. Please I have never felt this way about anybody before like this, so please bare with me. I know your feelings for me and I have those same for you. I hope this gift to you, will help in someway. This can be a symbol of my love for you, until we are finally together. Take care of her as you would of me. Hold her tight and think of me and the fun we will have soon. Take care of yourself.

Your love..

Frostbite laughs.

Frostbite: I knew it, she really loves me.

He shuts the locker room door as the scene fades out.

Andrew Fulton: What a great from his love, it almost brings a tear to my eye. She really does love Frostbite.

Jeremy Tucker: You are going to sit there and tell me that a title sent Frostbite a gift?

Andrew Fulton: This is a true love story, I just hope it has a happy ending.

Jeremy Tucker: I think somebody is playing a cruel joke on Frostbite.

Andrew Fulton: When is the last time a woman gave you a gift.

Before he can answer that.

Andrew Fulton: I thought so.

[Dave D-Flipz]

THEN:

Death Trap: Chaos … odd question … Do you know how to get sticky white goo out of your hair?

*DT looks at the gorilla glue on the table where the hat was sitting and mumbles about Keith Williams as the laughter on the other end of the phone becomes uproarious and we hear:*

Mistress Discipline: Chaos? Who is it? What is so funny? I have so many questions!

*The laughter subsides.*

Dr. Chaos: Ok ok, I’m good. *sigh* Now tell me …*stifling a chuckle* what in the blazes are you asking me?!

*DT stops and thinks about what he just said.*

Death Trap: Oh uh … yeah. I see now. Well I came into SWAT for the big match with Armand. And I’m amped right? Well, Rally and Keith are having a rib off. So I walk in and immediately found the “hidden” camera in my locker. Ya know the full sized TV camera pointing at the changing area surrounded and “hidden” by eco-friendly Rally Jackson merch.

Dr. Chaos: Amateur.

Mistress Discipline: Chaos put it on speaker. I wish to hear the conversation.

*Chaos obviously does this as we hear the voices shift and more noise comes through the phone.*

Dr. Chaos: Rally Jackson sucks at hiding cameras hon.

Sarah: SHOWERHEAD Y’ALL!

*We hear a commotion that a more astute listener would know is Sarah being smothered by Chaos and silenced … as gently as possible*

Dr. Chaos: HAHA NO SARAH! It was right in his locker room in the open! How foolish right!?

Mistress Discipline: Yes, but what does this have to do with the statement that caused you to fall off the couch in laughter, Chaos?

Dr. Chaos: *holding in laughter again* He asked! … He asked! *FALLS DOWN LAUGHING* DO I KNOW HOW TO GET STICKY WHITE GOO FROM HIS HAIR!

*We can clearly hear a whole hearted belly-laugh from the CAR medical expert.*

Mistress Discipline: Death Trap, what kind of recreational activities have you been engaging in?

Death Trap: … I uh … put on a hat?

Dr. Chaos: In my school days we called them rubbers.

*we hear another laugh and a loud sigh*

Mistress Discipline: I am not quite sure I understand.

Death Trap: There was a DT signature bowler hat in the room. On the table. Waiting for me. Was so engrossed in laying down the law to that bastard Armand, I didn’t even think that my own hat was in the bag. And uh … now the hat is uh … stuck … to my hair … and scalp.

Mistress Discipline: Have you tried yanking it off?

*Chaos again rolls on the floor laughing*

Dr. Chaos: PH … PH … PHRAHAHAHAHAHA … PHRASING!

Sarah: GOO GONE Y’ALL!

*Death Trap ponders this as he again tries to yank the hat off.*

Death Trap: Ow … ow … yeah, no, this is not coming off. I don’t have time to worry about it before my match. But … let’s remember I owe Keith Williams for this rib. I’m sure he’s busting a gut thinking about this.

Dr. Chaos: Or a NUT! AM I RIGHT!?

*Mistress can be heard picking up the phone and taking it off speaker*

Mistress Discipline: I am afraid we will not be getting anything useful out of her again the rest of the night. Look, go to your match, win, and then we can figure out how to remove your hat.

Death Trap: Yeah … yeah that makes sense. Gonna be so weird wrestling in my hat … but … I guess I won’t lose it this way!

Mistress Discipline: I admire your positivity in this time of adversity. But please do to Armand what I did to Primal? I am getting tired of talking to you from your hospital bed.

---

NOW:

*We find Death Trap walking into the back entrance of the arena. He has his hat on and his hoodie as well. He walks into a locker room and sets his hat on the table by the door. His head has been shaved to remove the offending hat. This is now the second time this company has forced him to shave his beloved hair off.

"Just when I think I’m out … they pull me back in again."

*He tosses the hoodie to the side as he sits on the bench near the lockers and looks into the camera. He is already in his ring attire, his match happening much earlier on the show on this stacked card.*

"I thought I’d finally get a break. I thought for sure I’d be tangling with a Keith Williams or a Devin DeAndre. I was expecting to see something new and fun. But here we are again, locked in eternal mortal combat with the KGB. If Linda is the heart and Radu was the soul of SWAT, then the KGB are the colon. Festering, constantly causing problems, sometimes involving fire and shit, and overall not something anyone wants to see or hear … or smell. And even at that, it couldn’t be the hired muscle. It couldn’t be the founder or the Amazon’s champ, who actually have a sense of … normalcy, off as that may sound … about them. No I get the international supercriminal and the escapee from Arkham Asylum. Seriously, we are one more arson away from flying echolocating mammal man showing up."

*DT sighs. He gets up and begins to pace around the room as he thinks.*

"It’s not that I don’t love knocking these idiots down a peg. It’s not like I’m getting tired. Despite what Soutter would want you to believe, I am not retiring anytime soon. But it’s hard to keep putting on epic, 5 star, Death Trap worthy main attractions against the same guys. Especially when they aren’t trying to outwrestle you. I swear Armand is a few stabbings away from being another Zoran Sainovic… no …"

*DT stops and holds up his finger for a minute as if in realization.*

"No that’s not fair to the final boss. Dear old daddy actually COULD wrestle on his own and win. He actually had a flair for the dramatic and could put on a solid showing. He didn’t NEED to stab you or call in an army to win. Though to be fair, that makes it worse. But Armand is just a pale shadow of what Der Komissar was. The rise and fall of Zoran was so ridiculous that the criminal who stabbed people on screen got a memorial banner for the 20th anniversary of the XHF! Though … to be fair… so did Hyperion and Brad Swann … and I think they’ve done far worse than even Zoran."

*DT sits back down and glares into the camera, his eyes radiating with a fire … as much as his head is reflecting the light.*

"Armand, it no longer amuses me to keep making you look like a fool. I’ve beaten you fairly twice now, despite your best efforts. I’ve proven myself the better submission wrestler. I’ve proven myself to be exactly as advertised. We don’t need to keep doing this. You can move on to fighting people more on your skill level … like Jeffrey Viper or Funaki. And I’ll go have some match of the year candidates with the roster of stacked talent in SWAT. David Vector, Eddie D, Jonnie V, Blaze, The Fairtexes, Cross Recoba, Goth! There are so many great names that DT could elevate. There is so much I could give to this roster and the fans. I don’t need titles, just a stage and a cheering crowd. Linda and I could put on a clinic for funsies. Better than anything you’ll see out of Frostbite anyway."

*DT thinks on what he just said. He sighs. This is not going to be a pretty match. No six star show tonight. It’s no wonder the match is behind such bangers as Jonnie v Eddie. DT laughs and smirks at the camera*

"Hey Frosty. How’s the world’s most ironic ring name doing on this fine evening? I haven’t seen anyone on fire in the medic area, so I guess not so great."

*He folds his hands and looks over them with a look of empathy*

"When’s the last time you saw a doctor Frosty? And I mean a shrink. Not the kind who make you turn your head and cough. … There’s a joke to be made there but I’m better than that."

*Conversations with his tag partner not withstanding ……*

"Look Frostbite, you got one thing right. I have been around XHF a long time. I’ve been at the top for 17 years now. I’ve seen and done a lot. And I gotta say … you are not special. You may think I’ve never stepped in the ring with a man like you before. But violent assholes with a fire fetish and some brain problems are a dime a dozen when your world champion can be a pig or a bear. So spare me the same talk you give to the green talent. Let’s at least respect the fact that we’ve both seen and done a lot in this business. I’m sure you’ve faced down some incredible submission wrestlers, maybe even some great martial artists. And yeah. Some of them may be more willing to bend the rules to be at an advantage than I am. Call me old fashioned, or narcissistic, but I don’t like leaning on crutches to get done what I can do with my own hands. And experience or not? Nothing will stop me from choking the life out of you in the ring the same way I did to your partner last show."

*DT laughs and holds up his hand for a minute. He then point at the screen with a “you know what” look on his face*

"But hey, you are right. I’ve really only done this in two places. ECF and XHF. I’m not as well traveled in the dregs of the wrestling world, so sue me. But here’s the thing. When you are already on top of the biggest mountain in the world? Why would you make a fuss about climbing the unique molehills? I was on top of the best fed in the world. As evidenced by the fact that you all came HERE. But let’s not dwell on inconsequential matters. After all, where we’ve been successful isn’t important. What is important is throwing hands tonight. And I couldn’t ask for a better partner to take it to you raging assholes. Linda’s been making it her business to ruin your day for a while now. And I’m excited to step in the ring with her. A high flying counterpart to my strike and submission assault."

*DT rocks back and launches off the bench to his feet.*

"KGB, listen up. You are the ones who have the misfortune to keep getting embarrassed by the best technical wrestler in the world. You are the ones who are stuck against Death Trap and Lucky Linda. Not your lucky day is it? But then you know what they say Frosty, actions speaking louder than words yeah? In my time I was one of the loudest talkers in the game. I tired myself out running out on house shows and running down my opponents. And it didn’t do me a lick of good. You know what did? Refining my talents. Getting better. Gaining experience. Going to war and coming out a better man. But you wanted to hear me talk, guess there’s always a first for everything, you got it. Hope it’s been enlightening. Because the only thing you’ll hear after I finish with you? Is the EKG monitor in the hospital."

*Fade out*

[sc4r]

| TRUTH |

We open in the backstage area of the PPG Paints Arena and Devon standing in front of the SWAT banner, mask around his neck and jacket already on as he's finishing taping up his hands. "Here we go again. Another day, another show, another match with someone plucked from the fucking ether. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't getting mildy irritated and annoyed at this."

"I know this is what I wanted and I singed up for, I understand that, but the truth is.. I'm getting bored. I cameback because I felt that fire again, I felt that hunger again and now it's waining again. When I started, it was fresh and the few matches I began with fed that fire, with Goth and Danzig and then the tag tourny happend and Yoon's antics began to bring back the old memories of why I left in the first place."

"Then I sit and I look at this," He unsnaps the belt from his waist and holds it up to the camera. "And it all goes away. I remember why I came back. And if I can't be given a war.."

He stares into the camera intently, his eyes cold. "I'll have to go find it myself."

| FIN |

[eddied]

(As “Come out and Play” by Offspring drops, Eddie D walks out with his head held high and the Pittsburgh crowd are chanting his name. Eddie walks down the ramp and slaps a few outstretched hands and grabs a mic from the commentary desk. He takes a slow deliberate walk up the ring steps and throws open his hands for appreciation at the top and the crowd cheer. Eddie steps through the ropes and addresses the crowd.)

EDDIE: Hello Pittsburgh Fucking Pennsylvania!

I am your world champion, and I would ask you for your understanding if I ever came out here and insulted you and your fair city before. It was a different Eddie that walked out to this ring in years past. It was a different Pittsburgh to be fair. This SWAT crowd is finally ready to really hear me and be open minded, rather than just looking back at one event and judging me by that.

You know the event I am referring to right? Jonnie Valentine certainly hasn’t forgiven and forgotten. Jonnie Valentine is a wonderful wrestler no doubt. He practically dug the foundations of wrestling that we now build this great federation upon today, but even with all that said he still hasn’t earnt a “sorry” out of yours truly.

Yes, I committed to a course of action that brought about one of the most infamous swerves in SWAT modern history. A swerve to cost my opponent tonight his world title belt at the time. For some it may seem to be an egregious, unforgivable act. But one man’s traitor is another man’s kingmaker. In one man’s eyes I was an impatient upstart who sided with an enemy to get a leg up. For those that have been through the hell of being held back they see me as a freedom fighter against the tyranny of an elitist culture of a stagnant hierarchy. A place where it’s fair to expect you to “pay your dues” as a snot nosed rookie at every damn federation you walk into. What? Regardless of your pedigree and efforts in the industry elsewhere? Hell no.

The wrestling world had written me off as a thug, who was only good for mid card feuds and to bleed for the basic appearance fee with no promise of any advancement or any respect being shown. So, what’s a man to do with an ugly future looming on his horizon? Cry about his lack of world title road maps being planned intricately for him like D’Andre? Or do you make a deal with the devil and climb to the heights and hold this belt like I do today?

Jonnie Valentine, it’s great that you have diversified into TV presenting and into coaching brats. Your days of main event wrestling are waning, so maybe pulling every political string you have, calling in every favour and presenting your son with a title that you practically won for him makes you dad of the year material? For my money maybe you would have been more of a dad of the year by letting him find his own path in life and not force him into wrestling… maybe let him be the award-winning hairdresser that he always dreamed of being. Or maybe not only will I pound you into dust out here tonight, but I’ll come hunting for your son’s crown too.

Trent Jones starred in some amazing, brutal matches as our champion, but the wellness policy of SWAT today probably would have gotten him some shrink help. His prescription drugs misuse and mental breaks did end up tainting SWAT and the belt if I am honest. We would have looked like a more considerate credible employer if we had gotten him that help, but to be honest sometimes you need to break something to fix it. Watching the status quo pass the belt around the elite at the top of this federation was getting a little old and you can’t argue with the ratings spike that this swerve put in motion. We’ve gone from strength to strength directly from that event. I still stand by my decision to help Trent into the top spot because It was better to take the title from a hero and give it to a villain than to watch the federation fizzle out in mediocrity. The olde boys club was killing this place and with a baseball bat, a Stunner and an adrenaline shot of anarchy... I gave this place the heart massage and kiss of life it needed.

You can bitterly hold onto that “one day” that I changed your fortunes all you want. We can trawl over the rights and wrongs of it all you want, but I won’t apologise for the moment that the SWAT world finally took me seriously.
“The Good Guy” is who I am now, who I have always truly been and if there are doubters amongst you out there, that think that I can only turn over a new leaf by showing remorse for my past actions, doesn’t understand a cotton-picking thing about people or about wrestling.

I wouldn’t be the man you cheered today without treading the winding and sometimes dark path that I have taken. I wouldn’t be “Main Event Eddie” if I hadn’t woken the world the fuck up to the potential that I had to offer. Thankfully some of the influencers in the back always had faith that I had more to offer too and here I am as World Champ in God blessed Pittsburgh Fucking Pennsylvania!

The wrestling historians may feel that a SWAT great like Jonnie Valentine didn’t deserve the loss, hadn’t earnt the type of deceitful tactics I inflicted on him at that stage in my time in SWAT, but history without context is nothing. They weren’t in the locker room facing the dead-end futility, the ugly unjust reality that faced us. You can accept the rage and chaos into your heart and get busy fighting, or you can toe the line and fade away. Well Anarchy has always been my battle cry, I embraced the chaos, I brought the thunder and don’t expect me to feel guilty or change any time soon.

I will keep hitting the gym, I will keep improving my wrestling skill even at perhaps the latter part of my career. You’re wrong Jonnie. I don’t want to have a Father Figure or a dad bod, I want to give myself the best chance in the ring by being in the best shape of my life. In respect to the title and in respect to you. The blood sweat and tears of gruelling preparation will give me the edge; it will pay me back come the ringing of the bell.
Ding-ding that bell, give me that cigar and I’ll smoke it in the changing room after I bring the “World’s End” to your door. If you thought waking up from the Headache from Hell was a trip, picking yourself up from the World’s End will make you feel like you’re recovering from an autopsy.

Wrestling’s Father Figure?!

Wrestling’s greatest dropkicker?!

SWAT’s biggest baddest bitter baby?!

BRING… IT …ON!

(As “Come out and Play” by Offspring plays, Eddie D drops the mic. and steps through the ropes to a huge crowd reaction and the segment ends.)