February 2022 RACE - Sippy Cup Qualifier!

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FEBRUARY SIPPY CUP QUALIFIER RACE

What a magical winter day it is to be alive! Especially if you are one of the lucky few to get to race in this month’s Lucky Race. A magically delicious experience that isn’t at all sponsored by a breakfast cereal available in ‘Merican grocery stores.

Grandma Mary: Welcome one and all to our CAR Race!

Uncle: Yes, indeedy. And here is our first car. They are earlier than normal…

Grandma Mary: Does my granddaughter's head look shorter today?

Uncle: Which one? Oh. The passenger does look shorter than normal and quiet.

Grandma Mary: Too quiet.

Britney: The car sounds fine.

Uncle: Ahhhh!!

Britney: Don't be afraid.

Uncle: Ahhhh!!

Grandma Mary: I’m just startled to see you here. When it looks like you are down there.

Uncle: Jimminy Crickets! If you’re here, who’s there?

Britney: Abby?

Grandma Mary: And?

Britney: No one- Oh! That’s OLSA.

Uncle: Who is Olsa and why haven’t we met them yet?

Britney: Abby got an Obnoxiously Large Stuffed Animal for Valentine's day. That’s OLSA in the passenger seat. I’m taking this one off.

Grandma Mary: Taking. This. ONE. OFF?!?

Uncle: You know you are a valued member of the team and I think your grandmother is… surprised… that you wouldn't say anything before race day.

Britney: Yea, but her boy toy wanted to show his love and devotion or something.

Grandma Mary: One of the boys, who helped build the race course and is intimately familiar will each of the obstacles and how to get around them, is going to help my granddaughter race.

Britney: Yes?

Uncle: I think that may be cheating.

Grandma Mary: I think that’s a great idea and we shouldn’t impede love.

Uncle: Yea, but-

Grandma Mary: Oh look, here comes the next crew.

Uncle: I don’t think we’re done discussin’ this. It could go very bad.

Britney: Bad to the Bone! From a racing perspective this crew really has a certain something. And I don’t mean the recent ursine experience.

Grandma Mary: Pigs?

Uncle: No, bears. Their weapons expert had a bad experience recently. It was televised.

Grandma Mary: I don’t keep up with kids these days.

Britney: Speaking of keeping up, here comes AMC. Their crew has had issues keeping up appearances recently.

Grandma Mary: Scuttle butt is that they are having some issue or another with their funding.

Uncle: That doctor fellow?

Britney: I’m not sure but I haven’t seen them much around for practice for the last few months. Hopefully they’ll be able to pick up the pace.

Grandma Mary: And coming in hot, is EOD.

Uncle: They know they need to stop at the starting line, right. Ahh. Check out that precision. That is a well oiled driver and vehicle.

Grandma Mary: That drive and vehicle seem more like a team. The way they move, as one. It’s a beautiful thing to watch. Just look at it.

Britney: That vehicle is a monster. Seriously. That thing has ah-maze-ing pick up and stopping power. And I swear those tentacles come out of nowhere.

Grandma Mary: Speaking of coming out of nowhere, here comes Mother! The Car.

Uncle: That segway made no sense but I am glad to see the original driver is back behind the wheel.

Britney: You didn’t think the Industrial Woman did a good job?

Uncle: I thought she did a great job! But I had serious concerns for Tomas’s health after he mysteriously stopped driving.

Grandma Mary: Oh, he was fine. Look! He seems fit as a fiddle. Now we need to worry about the Industrial Woman’s health. I heard she was malfunctioning after that violent display.

Uncle: The wrestling. In a wrestling network?

Britney: And here comes our newest competitor! Altan Ord.

Grandma Mary: They may be new but they are certainly coming in swinging.

Uncle: That vehicle is certainly prepared for a battle ahead.

Britney: To be honest, I haven’t talked to them much. They seem intimidating and not just ‘cause they all don’t speak English.

Grandma Mary: Your use of English is debatable but that’s this month’s racers on the line.

Uncle: Time for the double rainbow?

A rainbow is projected from the starting line of the race onto the distant mountain before reflecting back to the finish line.

Britney: Can I ring the bell?

The old lady passes a hand bell to her granddaughter. Britney accepts it with glee.

Britney: Here ye, here ye. The race begins…. NOW!

As she shakes it like a Polaroid picture, the racers know what to do. They charge down the initial track.

Grandma Mary: And they’re off!! Mother in the lead followed closely by Bad to the Bone.

Uncle: AMC is gunning to catch up and Altan just passed them.

Britney: EOD is gaining quickly having gotten distracted briefly by the rainbow.

Grandma Mary: It looks like the Tiger Beetle is still distracted by the rainbow.

Uncle: No. I believe the distraction is her boyfriend. Ah, there she goes.

Grandma Mary: In last place.

Uncle: Tiger Beetle is making up for time.

Britney: But not as good as EOD, who has past AMC and is gaining on Altan’s Ord.

Grandma Mary: Mother and Bones are still neck and neck as they enter the Danger Zone.

Uncle: Isn’t this the heart obstacle? There is a large red…. something that is swinging out at the racers.

Britney: Is that outline a heart or someone’s bottom?

The radio on the table buzzes with racers chatter:
LD: Why thank you for noticing, the Athletic Cup is quite form fitting and does have a way of framing things nicely back there.

Armbishi: The real question is if that's an arrow going through it or a tentacle going up it!

Billy: I suppose it’s a matter of perspective.

Duck: Yes.
Kallie: It's a heart.

Tomas: Heart all the way. The fifth element according to Captain Planet & the Fifth Element.

Grandma Mary: I’m glad someone can tell what it is.

Uncle: So… Heart?

Britney: Swinging on a thread and just missed EOD. I think it actually glanced off Mother’s back fender.

Uncle: Here it comes back. Right for-

Radio buzzes:
Billy: *THWACK* OW! CURSES! NO!

LD: “I think he’s been knocked out.”

Uncle: That’s a lot of damage.

Grandma Mary: They’re still driving. It’s fine. Just a little dent.

Britney: From a direct hit? EOD is limping along and still faster than the Tiger Beetle.

Grandma Mary: It’s now Mother and Bones neck and neck. EOD then Ord. AMC and Tiger Beetle pulling the end. But the second-

A giga watt light shines bright, like a diamond, just inside the track.

Britney: Ah!! My eyes!

Uncle: That’ll certainly be the star of the show! Get it?

Grandma Mary: Mother jerks into Bad to the Bone. EOD picks them both up in their tentacles and places them behind the EOD bumper. Facing the wrong way.

Uncle: Tiger Beetle has past AMC.

Britney: Ord pass the two going the wrong way.

Grandma Mary: Bones have turned themselves around and are catching up to Ord.

Uncle: Mother has figured out the issue and is also turning around.

Britney: AMC has engaged their chemical engine

Grandma Mary: Damn, they still got it.

Uncle: EOD is in the lead followed by Ord, Bones, and Mother.

Britney: AMC has past Tiger Beetle.

Grandma Mary: EOD is approaching the final obstacle.

Uncle: The horse shoes.

Britney: I believe these are laser targeted-

THAWCK

Radio:
Armbishi: OW!!! Pat Benatar was right: love is a battlefield!

Grandma Mary: The next one is deflected by EOD’s tentacles.

Uncle: Those things are working overtime! Oh-

Britney: Mother has taken a hit.

Grandma Mary: I think this is the first time they’ve been hit with anything.

Uncle: Yep. And it’s going to leave a mark.

Britney: Mother dodges the next one as Ord just plows through the shelling.

Grandma Mary: Bones is next to enter the Horseshoe Field.

Uncle: Computer precision dodging there.

Britney: Except that one. That one will leave a mark.

Grandma Mary: AMC is fast on their heels.

Uncle: Tiger Beetle is dodging very well.

Britney: If by dodging, you mean they went around the whole set up, yes. They dodged that horseshoe very well. Sadly, it’s going to cost them distance.

Grandma Mary: What’s the point of having an insider if it doesn’t help.

Uncle: Well, you won’t have to fix the car up like the rest of these teams. You really did some damage out there- ooh. That’s going to leave a -Bam. Really?

Britney: Should’ve gone for the softer horseshoes.

Grandma Mary: What? Shoot actual marshmallows?

Uncle: Like you didn’t want to.

Britney: And the group has condensed as they approach the finish line. Oh-

Grandma Mary: You Marshmallow Chewing Turd Swallop.

Uncle: The Doof Floof has been deployed as AMC catches up to the group.

Britney: And that’s the race folks. Thanks for tuning in. Join us next month.

Uncle: Wait a minute. Wait a minute. We need to announce the winner.

Britney: Oh. Bad to the Bones won the fan belt.

Grandma Mary: Hold on, you can’t just announce it right off the bat. We have to make the audience work for it. Wait for it.

Uncle: We still have the winner of the actual race to dangle in front of their faces.

Britney: Oh right. In first place we have-

Grandma Mary: NO! I get to say it. You already did the Fan Belt.

Uncle: Do you have the photo ready to show off?

Grandma Mary: A course. Here.

Uncle: That is a picture of Floof.

Britney: That is also a picture of Floof.

Grandma Mary: Fine. This one. Look. You can clearly see a hub cap ahead of the others.

Uncle: Who’s hubcap?

Grandma Mary: That’s clearly EOD and then there’s Mother. And that is Ord.

Uncle: In that order?

Grandma Mary: In that order.

Uncle: Well, there you go folks.

Britney: Join us next month when we tackle the race.

Grandma Mary: Tackle? That’s not a theme.