Post by robriot on Apr 29, 2022 15:26:27 GMT -5
Rob Riot stands, holding a broom. It's a pretty old-looking broom with frayed edges and scuffed wood. He twirls it around in his hands, illuminated from above by a single spotlight. We're getting close to "go" time for Wrestle:UK's first-ever event, so the Bastard is dressed for the occasion in his ring gear, complete with black silk pants and his thick red MMA gloves. He seems almost oblivious to the camera at first, even though he clearly isn't.
"There’s an old theory called the Ship of Theseus, and when I say old, I’m talking 2500 years. It’s one of the oldest hypothetical questions in Western philosophy, and it goes like this. If the ship of Theseus was kept in a harbour and every piece of that ship were to be replaced one at a time, would it still be the same ship?”
He's been twirling the broom around in his hands the whole time he's been talking, but now he stops, holding it firmly in one hand and looking it up and down.
"Now, most people in the modern age don't have ships, harbours, or any concept of who Theseus is. So these days, we call the theory 'Trigger's Broom.' If you buy a broom and replace the head, and then the stick, and then the head again, and you keep on doing so for years on end, do you still have the same broom or have you actually owned a series of different brooms? You're probably wondering why I'm asking 2500-year-old philosophical questions, but I assure you that it's very relevant. Especially to you, Jakie Wentzel."
He grins as he mentions the name. He knows that somewhere, watching and listening, Wentzel’s ears will have pricked up.
"Hello, Jakie. I told you I'd get around to you. This bit's just for me, you, and anyone who remembers Riot Star Wrestling history. How appropriate is it that I'm addressing you with a broom in my hand, by the way? I know that you were never one of Mitchell's mopites, but still. The whole point about religious fundamentalism stands. I remember you as the happy-go-lucky kid you used to be before The Crusade twisted your mind and turned you into the scared, angry, paranoid man you are today. You're Jonesing for me, and I don't really know why, but I'm betting it has something to do with wanting to avenge Morcant Davis or reclaim The Crusade. If that's your mission, kid, you'd do well to remember who hit The Crusade in the head so damn hard he lost all sight of God and turned back into Morcant Davis. Do you really think you're better than him? Do you really think you can do what he couldn't? If so, let's turn our attention back to the broom."
Riot shifts the cleaning instrument in his hands, tilting it from vertical to horizontal and holding it outright.
”You think you know who I am and what I’m about, but you don’t. It’s been years since you and I have crossed paths, and things have happened during those years. I’ve been to places. I’ve seen things. I’ve done things too - things that your God would turn away from in shame. The image of me in your mind is outdated. The parts have been replaced. I, Jakie, am this broom. I might look the same, but what’s inside my head and the fibres of my being have been switched up and changed around so many times that I’m no longer the same person. I’m something far worse. Whatever you thought I was capable of before, I’m a whole different proposition now. So if you want to come for me, if you think you can reach into the past and drag me into the present…”
He abruptly snaps the broom in half over his knee and then presents the two broken pieces to the camera.
"…you've got another thing coming. You might be looking at this and thinking, 'hey, Riot's got two pieces of a broken broomstick; I wonder if he's going to shove one piece up Phantam Fairtex's arse and the other up Tong's,' and maybe I will, but stick with the metaphor. There are two Rob Riots, Jakie. The one who laughs and jokes with the Bastards, and the one who ends careers and breaks bodies. Be very careful about inviting either of them into your life, but be especially careful when you call me out alone. When Frank and Billy are there, it's possible that one of them might, if they're feeling charitable, persuade me not to plant my boot through your face so hard it reaches the back of your skull. If you want me all to yourself, those angels on my shoulders aren't going to be there. You say you're a man of God. I'll send you to meet him. And all because you didn't understand what happens when you change out the pieces of a broom."
Riot drops the broken broomstick, which rattles on the floor as it falls.
"When you say my name without just cause, Jakie, you make things personal. See, I don't have anything against the Fairtex boys personally. They're just in the way of The Bastards becoming the first-ever Wrestle:UK tag team champions, and they'll be dealt with accordingly. All the training and preparation and promotional tours in the world aren't going to help them, and you know that as well as I do and as well as they should. All I was going to do is beat them, but now you've given me a reason to make it personal. When I stamp on Tong Fairtex, I'm going to be picturing you. When I kick the teeth out of Phantam Fairtex’s mouth, I'm going to be picturing you. Those cookie-cutter ham and eggers are now blank canvases upon which I'm going to paint a message to you, Jakie, because you asked me to. Whatever happens to them happens because you put my name in your mouth. And when it's all over, and The Bastards have their new hardware, I'm coming for you. Because. You. Asked. Me. To. See you real soon, old friend."
Riot smiles in a manner that’s all curled lips and zero joy, and the scene fades out.
"There’s an old theory called the Ship of Theseus, and when I say old, I’m talking 2500 years. It’s one of the oldest hypothetical questions in Western philosophy, and it goes like this. If the ship of Theseus was kept in a harbour and every piece of that ship were to be replaced one at a time, would it still be the same ship?”
He's been twirling the broom around in his hands the whole time he's been talking, but now he stops, holding it firmly in one hand and looking it up and down.
"Now, most people in the modern age don't have ships, harbours, or any concept of who Theseus is. So these days, we call the theory 'Trigger's Broom.' If you buy a broom and replace the head, and then the stick, and then the head again, and you keep on doing so for years on end, do you still have the same broom or have you actually owned a series of different brooms? You're probably wondering why I'm asking 2500-year-old philosophical questions, but I assure you that it's very relevant. Especially to you, Jakie Wentzel."
He grins as he mentions the name. He knows that somewhere, watching and listening, Wentzel’s ears will have pricked up.
"Hello, Jakie. I told you I'd get around to you. This bit's just for me, you, and anyone who remembers Riot Star Wrestling history. How appropriate is it that I'm addressing you with a broom in my hand, by the way? I know that you were never one of Mitchell's mopites, but still. The whole point about religious fundamentalism stands. I remember you as the happy-go-lucky kid you used to be before The Crusade twisted your mind and turned you into the scared, angry, paranoid man you are today. You're Jonesing for me, and I don't really know why, but I'm betting it has something to do with wanting to avenge Morcant Davis or reclaim The Crusade. If that's your mission, kid, you'd do well to remember who hit The Crusade in the head so damn hard he lost all sight of God and turned back into Morcant Davis. Do you really think you're better than him? Do you really think you can do what he couldn't? If so, let's turn our attention back to the broom."
Riot shifts the cleaning instrument in his hands, tilting it from vertical to horizontal and holding it outright.
”You think you know who I am and what I’m about, but you don’t. It’s been years since you and I have crossed paths, and things have happened during those years. I’ve been to places. I’ve seen things. I’ve done things too - things that your God would turn away from in shame. The image of me in your mind is outdated. The parts have been replaced. I, Jakie, am this broom. I might look the same, but what’s inside my head and the fibres of my being have been switched up and changed around so many times that I’m no longer the same person. I’m something far worse. Whatever you thought I was capable of before, I’m a whole different proposition now. So if you want to come for me, if you think you can reach into the past and drag me into the present…”
He abruptly snaps the broom in half over his knee and then presents the two broken pieces to the camera.
"…you've got another thing coming. You might be looking at this and thinking, 'hey, Riot's got two pieces of a broken broomstick; I wonder if he's going to shove one piece up Phantam Fairtex's arse and the other up Tong's,' and maybe I will, but stick with the metaphor. There are two Rob Riots, Jakie. The one who laughs and jokes with the Bastards, and the one who ends careers and breaks bodies. Be very careful about inviting either of them into your life, but be especially careful when you call me out alone. When Frank and Billy are there, it's possible that one of them might, if they're feeling charitable, persuade me not to plant my boot through your face so hard it reaches the back of your skull. If you want me all to yourself, those angels on my shoulders aren't going to be there. You say you're a man of God. I'll send you to meet him. And all because you didn't understand what happens when you change out the pieces of a broom."
Riot drops the broken broomstick, which rattles on the floor as it falls.
"When you say my name without just cause, Jakie, you make things personal. See, I don't have anything against the Fairtex boys personally. They're just in the way of The Bastards becoming the first-ever Wrestle:UK tag team champions, and they'll be dealt with accordingly. All the training and preparation and promotional tours in the world aren't going to help them, and you know that as well as I do and as well as they should. All I was going to do is beat them, but now you've given me a reason to make it personal. When I stamp on Tong Fairtex, I'm going to be picturing you. When I kick the teeth out of Phantam Fairtex’s mouth, I'm going to be picturing you. Those cookie-cutter ham and eggers are now blank canvases upon which I'm going to paint a message to you, Jakie, because you asked me to. Whatever happens to them happens because you put my name in your mouth. And when it's all over, and The Bastards have their new hardware, I'm coming for you. Because. You. Asked. Me. To. See you real soon, old friend."
Riot smiles in a manner that’s all curled lips and zero joy, and the scene fades out.