Post by robriot on Jun 8, 2022 8:36:59 GMT -5
It's a big day for Teddy Quince. It's the day he'd always dreamed of. Teddy grew up in Gateshead, England, and studied broadcast journalism at university. His small stature and squeaky voice meant he'd struggled to get opportunities with - well - just about everybody, to be honest, but today was different. Today he'd got a phone call out of the blue from the UK's biggest wrestling promotion, who needed him to come and interview the tag team champions ASAP. And he'd got it for the best reason of all.
Because nobody else was available.
Now, a visibly excited Teddy stands between Rob Riot and Frank Windsor, who wear their Wrestle:UK tag team titles around their waists and a multitude of other tag team and singles titles over their shoulders. The so-called Dark Stars "Jungle Promo," which has already gone viral on Twitter for all the wrong reasons, has just finished airing. Full of enthusiasm, Teddy asks his first question.
TEDDY: So, Rob Riot and Frank Windsor, we’ve just heard from your opponents Niko and Kono of the Dark Stars. They had strong words to say about you. Can we get your react…
Frank Windsor snatches the microphone out of Teddy’s hand. Teddy, who has no previous wrestling experience and wasn’t warned that this might happen, very nearly soils himself.
WINDSOR: Those two stupid fucks spent the entire fucking promo talking to Riot and Fowler. Riot and fucking Fowler! HELLO? AM I INVISIBLE? I'm not fucking John Cena. Unlike him, you CAN fucking see me. How am I supposed to take these two chucklefucks seriously when they don't even know who they're wrestling this weekend? Newsflash, shitsticks, you're wrestling me and Riot. Fowler's the world champion. I don't even look like Billy Fowler. He's fucking seven feet tall!
Perhaps sensing that he might get a less expletive-laden response from Riot, Teddy attempts to pull the microphone away from Windsor and direct a new question at Riot. Given Frank’s level of irritation, it’s easier said than done.
TEDDY: Rob Riot, they had particularly harsh words to say about your reluctance to enter Call to…
WINDSOR: (interrupting) SEVEN FUCKING FEET TALL. Do I look seven feet tall to you!?
By this point, Teddy is visibly sweating. He composes himself and then attempts to press on.
TEDDY: …your reluctance to enter Call to…
WINDSOR: (interrupting again) No, I don't! I'm not seven feet tall, so how are they confusing me for fucking Fowler? Plus, I'm way better looking, aren't I?
Rather than speaking again, Teddy Quince pauses. He’s waiting to see if Frank is done. Frank - naturally - is no such thing.
WINDSOR: I just asked you a fucking question. Aren’t I better looking than Fowler?
Teddy audibly clears his throat, and with a slight stammer, he tries to repeat his question to Riot.
TEDDY: The, erm, Dark Stars accused you of being too scared to enter…
Riot smirks and raises his hand, stopping Teddy in his tracks.
RIOT: Frank asked you a question, Mr Quince. It would be rude not to answer him. Frank would get very angry, and you wouldn't like him when he's angry.
By this point, Teddy would very much like the interview to be over. He turns to Frank Windsor, face visibly red, and quietly mutters into the microphone.
TEDDY: Y-yes, Frank, you’re a very good looking man.
Both Windsor and Riot howl with laughter.
WINDSOR: (in the campest voice imaginable) Well, get you, sailor!
Teddy Quince bows his head. He's out of his depth, and he's entirely failed this assignment. Riot, ever the pro, decides to basically interview himself. He grabs the microphone from Teddy's weak grip and addresses the camera directly.
RIOT: The question Quince here was going to ask me was, "Are we cowards for not entering Call to Arms." The answer, obviously, is no. We're not staying out of Call to Arms because we're scared of the people in there. The Dark Stars are in there. I've been more scared of the things that have dropped out of my arsehole after a six-course curry than I am of you. Hell no. The reason we're not entering Call to Arms is because the entire damn competition is more rigged than a Parliamentary standards enquiry. Those pigs don't fly straight, and us, we like pigs who fly straight, man.
Windsor takes over the talking.
WINDSOR: Yeah, that's a nice Scarface quote Robbie; the Americans might actually pick up on that one. Nicky, Co-op, whatever your names are, you made the worst mistake of your worthless fucking lives by forgetting who's coming to slap the bullshit out of your mouths. Fowler would take a whole lot more pity on you than I'm going to. I'm going to beat you both up once for the insult of forgetting who the fuck I am and then a second time just because I fucking can. Prepare to drop your pants, boys, because you're going to get spanked.
He passes back to Riot.
RIOT: You morons have the audacity to ask if we're drunk when you're the ones who don't even know who you're wrestling. Not only that, but you venture deep into a jungle for some godforsaken reason and then ask why we're not in one ourselves? Why in the name of baby Jesus, Mary, Joseph and the donkey would we be in a jungle? Why are YOU in a jungle? If we're drunk, I can only assume you two are huffing paint or scooping crystal meth out of a bowl.
WINDSOR: Do we have any of that shit?
RIOT: No. You know how it goes. It's very moreish. Once you've had a bowl, you can't stop. It's like eating Pringles.
WINDSOR: Shit, yeah. Good point.
RIOT: Dark Stars, the point is this. You're not time travelers. You're not jungle warriors. More importantly than either of those things, you're not special. What you need - what this tag team division badly needs - is a dose of reality, and back in the day, the Bastards made their name by dropping reality bombs. Look out for the ground under your feet, boys, because one's about to blow. You're going down, and then Mr Blood better find us some actual competition because otherwise, we might start tearing this promotion apart by going looking for it. Folks, we'll see you at Legacy 3. Same Bastards time, same Bastards channel.
Riot hands the microphone back to a shame-faced Teddy Quince and ruffles his hair as the tag team champions exit the shot.
TEDDY: Um..back to the studio, I guess. And I'm very sorry for everything that was just said.
The shot faces out, but not before we hear Frank shout, "I DON'T FUCKING LOOK LIKE FOWLER!" one more time in the distance.
Because nobody else was available.
Now, a visibly excited Teddy stands between Rob Riot and Frank Windsor, who wear their Wrestle:UK tag team titles around their waists and a multitude of other tag team and singles titles over their shoulders. The so-called Dark Stars "Jungle Promo," which has already gone viral on Twitter for all the wrong reasons, has just finished airing. Full of enthusiasm, Teddy asks his first question.
TEDDY: So, Rob Riot and Frank Windsor, we’ve just heard from your opponents Niko and Kono of the Dark Stars. They had strong words to say about you. Can we get your react…
Frank Windsor snatches the microphone out of Teddy’s hand. Teddy, who has no previous wrestling experience and wasn’t warned that this might happen, very nearly soils himself.
WINDSOR: Those two stupid fucks spent the entire fucking promo talking to Riot and Fowler. Riot and fucking Fowler! HELLO? AM I INVISIBLE? I'm not fucking John Cena. Unlike him, you CAN fucking see me. How am I supposed to take these two chucklefucks seriously when they don't even know who they're wrestling this weekend? Newsflash, shitsticks, you're wrestling me and Riot. Fowler's the world champion. I don't even look like Billy Fowler. He's fucking seven feet tall!
Perhaps sensing that he might get a less expletive-laden response from Riot, Teddy attempts to pull the microphone away from Windsor and direct a new question at Riot. Given Frank’s level of irritation, it’s easier said than done.
TEDDY: Rob Riot, they had particularly harsh words to say about your reluctance to enter Call to…
WINDSOR: (interrupting) SEVEN FUCKING FEET TALL. Do I look seven feet tall to you!?
By this point, Teddy is visibly sweating. He composes himself and then attempts to press on.
TEDDY: …your reluctance to enter Call to…
WINDSOR: (interrupting again) No, I don't! I'm not seven feet tall, so how are they confusing me for fucking Fowler? Plus, I'm way better looking, aren't I?
Rather than speaking again, Teddy Quince pauses. He’s waiting to see if Frank is done. Frank - naturally - is no such thing.
WINDSOR: I just asked you a fucking question. Aren’t I better looking than Fowler?
Teddy audibly clears his throat, and with a slight stammer, he tries to repeat his question to Riot.
TEDDY: The, erm, Dark Stars accused you of being too scared to enter…
Riot smirks and raises his hand, stopping Teddy in his tracks.
RIOT: Frank asked you a question, Mr Quince. It would be rude not to answer him. Frank would get very angry, and you wouldn't like him when he's angry.
By this point, Teddy would very much like the interview to be over. He turns to Frank Windsor, face visibly red, and quietly mutters into the microphone.
TEDDY: Y-yes, Frank, you’re a very good looking man.
Both Windsor and Riot howl with laughter.
WINDSOR: (in the campest voice imaginable) Well, get you, sailor!
Teddy Quince bows his head. He's out of his depth, and he's entirely failed this assignment. Riot, ever the pro, decides to basically interview himself. He grabs the microphone from Teddy's weak grip and addresses the camera directly.
RIOT: The question Quince here was going to ask me was, "Are we cowards for not entering Call to Arms." The answer, obviously, is no. We're not staying out of Call to Arms because we're scared of the people in there. The Dark Stars are in there. I've been more scared of the things that have dropped out of my arsehole after a six-course curry than I am of you. Hell no. The reason we're not entering Call to Arms is because the entire damn competition is more rigged than a Parliamentary standards enquiry. Those pigs don't fly straight, and us, we like pigs who fly straight, man.
Windsor takes over the talking.
WINDSOR: Yeah, that's a nice Scarface quote Robbie; the Americans might actually pick up on that one. Nicky, Co-op, whatever your names are, you made the worst mistake of your worthless fucking lives by forgetting who's coming to slap the bullshit out of your mouths. Fowler would take a whole lot more pity on you than I'm going to. I'm going to beat you both up once for the insult of forgetting who the fuck I am and then a second time just because I fucking can. Prepare to drop your pants, boys, because you're going to get spanked.
He passes back to Riot.
RIOT: You morons have the audacity to ask if we're drunk when you're the ones who don't even know who you're wrestling. Not only that, but you venture deep into a jungle for some godforsaken reason and then ask why we're not in one ourselves? Why in the name of baby Jesus, Mary, Joseph and the donkey would we be in a jungle? Why are YOU in a jungle? If we're drunk, I can only assume you two are huffing paint or scooping crystal meth out of a bowl.
WINDSOR: Do we have any of that shit?
RIOT: No. You know how it goes. It's very moreish. Once you've had a bowl, you can't stop. It's like eating Pringles.
WINDSOR: Shit, yeah. Good point.
RIOT: Dark Stars, the point is this. You're not time travelers. You're not jungle warriors. More importantly than either of those things, you're not special. What you need - what this tag team division badly needs - is a dose of reality, and back in the day, the Bastards made their name by dropping reality bombs. Look out for the ground under your feet, boys, because one's about to blow. You're going down, and then Mr Blood better find us some actual competition because otherwise, we might start tearing this promotion apart by going looking for it. Folks, we'll see you at Legacy 3. Same Bastards time, same Bastards channel.
Riot hands the microphone back to a shame-faced Teddy Quince and ruffles his hair as the tag team champions exit the shot.
TEDDY: Um..back to the studio, I guess. And I'm very sorry for everything that was just said.
The shot faces out, but not before we hear Frank shout, "I DON'T FUCKING LOOK LIKE FOWLER!" one more time in the distance.