Gun Show Season 4 Premiere the Spooky Season
Oct 31, 2022 20:03:09 GMT -5
Mongo the Destroyer, Kira Izumi, and 7 more like this
Post by Venom 🕷 on Oct 31, 2022 20:03:09 GMT -5
Halloween in Atlanta. The rain is falling, the wind is blowing, and in front of GUNS Arena a black car pulls up. The back door swings open and into the rain soaked night steps El Rey. He is not brandishing a costume. Instead he is wearing a hoodie and sweats as he’s not here for fun. He’s here for work. He looks around at the employee area searching for what? Probably his worst nightmare, Zoran looking for revenge, but the coast is clear and he makes his way to the employee entrance when he’s stopped in his tracks.
O.B.R.C: Identification.
El Rey: Huh?
O.B.R.C: Identification.
El Rey: I work here. My dads the boss. What are you?
O.B.R.C: I am Off Brand Robo Cop or O.B.R.C. for short. I have been hired to protect GUNS Arena from unlawful entry. Identification.
El Rey: I told you who I am now let me in.
O.B.R.C: All expected entrants must present identification or purchase a ticket. This is not a ticket entrance. Identification.
El Rey: I’m in sweats and a hoodie man. I left my I.D. at home. How was I supposed to know Magnus would hire a Robo Cop?
O.B.R.C: Off Brand. Without identification you may not enter.
El Rey: Bull shit.
El Rey tries pushing passed the generic version of a movie classic but is tossed back twenty feet by the robotic cop. El Rey lands in a puddle with a splash and we cut to the arena.
BOOM! BANG! POP!
It’s the Halloween episode and season 4 debut of the Gun Show! We pan around the find screaming fans jumping up and down in their best GUNS member costumes. There’s far more L.A. Wombat costumes than you’d expect, both members of the Tag Team Champions, and even one Steve Awesome. Zoran won’t love that. We cut to ringside where we find Magnus dressed as Doctor Frankenstein and Tom Phillips dressed as Quagmire.
Magnus: Welcome to season 4. Happy Halloween live from Atlanta where some of us don’t understand what a team costume is.
Phillips: I told you I didn’t want to be your monster. Besides this fits my style, giggity.
Phillips: Whatever, we have a big show tonight, but remember the card is subject to change so whatever you thought you heard from Zoran probably is t going to happen.
Mosler: Nothing in fact, and we’re kicking it off with the Tag Team Champions.
The lights to the arena shut off and the crowd begins to get on their feet in anticipation. The projection lights up on the main stage, showing the skyline of Atlanta and Ennio Morricone's "Ecstacy of Gold" begins to pour out of the gym speakers. Shots of Goldbear II trying to feast on salmon and cowboys riding horseback through the American West fill the projection. The crowd begins to sing with the music cheer for Goldbear II's appearances on the big screen. The final shot of "Ecstacy of Gold" has Goldbear catching and devouring a salmon in his mouth. Crowd massive pops for their favorite carnivore.
A lone harmonica for "Man with a Harmonica," by Morricone as well, begins to play while showing Goldbear II dining on a bloody feast of salmon. As the harmonica begins to the pick up and is accompanied by an electric guitar, Venom is shown in the video, and then James Mueller, and even Charlie Velez. It cuts back to Goldbear II and then action shots of Venom, Mueller and Velez. Eventually the song breaks down and goes right into "Out of the Black" by Royal Blood. More action shots of the Guns are shown before "THE YOUNG GUNS" come up in text on the projection. The "Young" flickers off and it now reads "THE GUNS."
The crowd pops as Venom and Mueller walk out in front of the projection and onto the main stage. The lights flash with every drum pop in the song. Both men look amped to be here and begin to walk down to the ring. Behind them on the main stage, Goldbear II comes out, dick and balls exposed, to the delight of every fan in attendance and watching at home. Mueller jogs up the stairs to the corner of the ring and pauses on the apron. He sways a little as he approaches the middle of the apron, one hand on the top rope. He leans towards the crowd, looks out, shakes his head at them with a smirk on his face, and then throws himself through the middle ropes on his feet. He spins around on his feet with his arms out to bit of nostalgic cheer. He jerks his arms to his sides and then calms himself down. Venom gets up to his feet and begins walking towards the ring and stops in front of the ring and looks from left to right with his hood still on and then enters the ring. Venom walks to the stairs with Goldbear II close behind walks up the stairs and across the ring apron to the middle. He and Goldbear enter the ring one at a time and walk to the center where he drops to one knee again and points to the sky. Venom and Mueller both meet up in the ring with a fist bump as they begin to take off their jackets and any accesories before the match starts.
Magnus: Here they are, the tag team champs and founders of the company, the Guns!
Phillips: Our Commissioner Zoran would have them face the huge new signing the Crinkly Bottom Boys, but you think it’s too early. So what big name team are our Tag Champs face?
Magnus: Well, uh…
“YOU WANNA TASTE”
Out onto the stage walks the team known as 0.2.
“You may know us as 0.2 and our stage names, but all that has changed. I am Papa Mystical Patt Pernard and this here is my partner Warm Foot Angie Parks.”
Parks: Stop laughing, it’s a family name! We’re tired of having to hide behind the names others want us to use, and in our debut of our REAL names by taking those belts off of these too corporate stooges.
Pernard: That’s right, and we’re going to walk down to right and give you two a taste.
Parks and Pernard waltz to the ring and slide in and stand across from the champs as the Ref calls for the bell.
The two members of 0.2 can’t seem to shut up so the Guns decide to shut them up with stereo drop kicks. Parks and Pernard stumble back and bounce of the ropes back towards the Guns. Venom greets Parks with a jumping knee and Mueller greets Pernard with a European uppercut. Parks and Pernard stumble back into the ropes and Venom and Mueller charge and send them over the ropes tumbling to the outside. Parks and Pernard huddle up to regroup as in the ring Mueller drops onto all fours. Venom runs and bounces off the opposite side ropes and runs and leaps onto Mueller and then onto the top rope and leaps onto Penard and Parks with a twisting dive taking them both out.
Phillips: The champs are on fire tonight.
Magnus: And whatever they want to be called now have no answer.
Venom quickly gets up and pulls Penard up to his feet and dumps him back into the ring with Mueller. Penard stumbles around with no clue what’s going on. Penard turns around right into James Mueller who kicks him right in the gut and picks him up and spikes him on his head with Cult of Personality. Mueller makes the cover and gets the three.
Winners and STILL GUNS Tag Team Champions: The Guns
Phillips: You were right to hold off on the Crinkley Bottom Boys match. This was so entertaining.
Magnus: I don’t appreciate your sarcasm Tom, but since we have some extra time let’s cut to what happened earlier today.
In his office we see Magnus sitting behind his desk with earbuds in. He’s staring as his screen as behind him his window creaks open. Slowly the head of El Rey squeezes through.
El Rey: Hey, Mags, let me in man. Your new security won’t let me in.
O.B.R.C: Stop! Intruder!
El Rey: See! Somethings wrong with it. Let me in. Magnus? MAGNUS! HELP ME! It has my leeeeeeee…
El Rey trails off as the O.B.R.C. drags him out of the window and off screen. Then we hear a soft knock at the door and Magnus immediately removes his ear buds.
Magnus: Come in.
The door swings open and one half of the Crinkley Bottom Boys Blobby squeezes through the doorway.
Magnus: Oh Blobby, I hope you weren’t waiting long, I had earbuds in.
Blobby: Blobby.
Magnus: Ok good. I wouldn’t want to leave a talent such as yours waiting. It is so good to have an international superstar like you here.
Blobby: BLOBBY!
Magnus: I know, it’s a shame I couldn’t just sign you, but Noel is linked in your contract. As much as I would have loved to just had you and built you as the solo star you’re meant to be.
Bobby: BLOOOOOBBY!
Magnus: Don’t worry about that. We’ll do right by you. We aren’t NLW.
Blobby: Blobby.
The phone rings and Magnus peeks at his phone.
Magnus: Thanks for stopping by. It’s a pleasure to be in the presence of greatness, but I have to take this..
Blobby exits as Magnus puts his earbuds in and answers the call.
Magnus: Memaw, I can’t call you that don’t you have a real name?
Magnus jumps back as there’s yelling in his ear buds. He shakes his head annoyed.
Magnus: Fine, Memaw. Look, I know the feud with us has been fueled by Zoran, and really it’s not my bag, but an opportunity has fallen in our laps. Your Britney did great in End of Days and I have a Bear Necessities Championship…
Magnus pauses and listens for a moment then gasps.
Magnus: No I don’t want to give it to her, I want her to wrestle for it…Yes against my bear…Yes he’s a real bear…Yes bears are dangerous, but he’s a trained professional…look, just think about it, okay? Okay? Hello? Memaw? Did you hang up? Damn it.
Magnus clicks off the call and goes back to watching whatever he was watching. There is a banging against the window and El Rey sticks his head in the window again.
El Rey: Magnus, I got away, but I need you to let me in now! He’s coming! Argh!
El Rey is yanked back out the window and we cut back to ringside.
Everyone's favourite crocodile faced luchador hops the guardrail.
Security tries to stop him, but they ain't no Robocop - so he just hands them his 4loko.
Florida Man: HOLD MY BEER!
Having successfully confused the guard, Florida Man slides into the ring.
Florida Man: YO GUNS, IMMA LET YOU GET BACK TO YOUR LITTLE SHOW IN A MINUTE...
Magnus: Someone get this clown out of my ring!
Florida Man: Now, unless you was under a dang rock, y'all saw your boy Florida MANG step up to the plate during the off season for GUNS FIGHT CLUB!
Phillips: Florida Man did have an impressive showing. I thought he was going to bring the tournament down to a Hobo Fights level, but he actually elevated it... to a hobo fights level.
Florida Man: Now I may not have won the FIXED tournament - thanks a lot Fox - but did ANYONE get as many knockouts as me?
Phillips: I'd have to check, but Florida Man was definitely amongst the top three knockout artists...
Florida Man: AND THAT deserves a proper reward...
Magnus: I left all my food stamps in my other suit.
Florida Man: SO I'M NOT LEAVING THIS RING, TILL I GET WHAT'S DUE...
Magnus: SECURITY!
Florida Man: Everyone knows you win the brawl for all, you get a piece of Butterbean!
Phillips: That doesn't sound like a reward... more a punishment.
Magnus: Works for me.
"Sweet Home Alabama" hits the PA system.
DING! DING! DING!
As the bell rings, Butterbean just murders Florida Man. It makes the Bart Gunn WrestleMania match look humane by comparison.
DING! DING! DING!
Magnus: The winner of this boxing contest - BUTTERBEAN!
Florida Man lies prone on the canvas, choking on his own blood.
Suddenly Yuki Sakaraba, Wolf Fang Ayame, and Rival Recruiter Ozawa also jump the guard rail, coming into the ring to defend the helpless Floridian.
Yuki Sakaraba: "(Leave him alone you bully! Real big man to pick on a person who clearly has mental health issues and no background in boxing!)"
Rival Recruiter Ozawa: I will translate... but only because I speak Japanese, not because I am with them.
The crowd boo the obvious J-RoK headhunter, knowing that he is only there to steal their talent, and clearly lying to them.
Rival Recruiter Ozawa: She says that you may have out boxed the gator, but can you out wrestle him?
Bloody Stump Formerly Florida Man: NO!
Florida Man tries to shake his head no, and crawl away - but he can't physically move. Wolf Fang Ayame uses some smelling salts to try to revive the battered husk that was FML.
Yuki Sakaraba: "(Can you deny such fighting spirit?)"
Butterbean: Is he going to put his title on the line?
Florida Man: NEVER!
Rival Recruiter Ozawa (now translating english to english): OF COURSE!
Butterbean: I want the Yamaguchi Travel Agency to send me to Disneyland, so bring it on!
Phillips: Why does that graphic call GUNS Arena a seedy Atlanta dive?
Magnus: If there is an XHF Network affiliate we're not at war with, I haven't met them...
Butterbean gets ready in his corner, while the smelling salts finally revive Florida Man. With his new found composure, Florida Man tries to run away - but ropes are his biggest weakness. Realizing that Florida Man is lacking in liquid courage, Ayame hands him a tequila bottle to enhance his fighting spirit. Unfortunately these J-RoK A-listers forget what a horrible person Florida Man is.... who immediately brains Butterbean with the bottle.
Phillips: Florida Man smashing that tequila bottle over Butterbean's head, I think he calls that the Murphy's Law? There's the cover-
ONE!
TWO!
THREE!
DING! DING! DING!
Phillips: Aren't you going to announce that Florida Man successfully retained?
Magnus: Oh, GET OUT OF HERE!
Florida Man celebrates like he just vindicated Bart Gunn, no small task. Holding his YTA championship, Florida Man continues to annoy the many GUNS Fight Club fans. The other members of J-RoK are more dignified.
Florida Man: YAAAAAA BOI, I AM FIGHT CLUB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yuki Sakarabe: "(Thank you for humouring him.)"
She bows.
Rival Recruiter Ozawa: She said - WHEN YOU MESS WITH ONE J-ROK SUPERSTAR, YOU MESS WITH ALL OF US- so WATCH OUT! ...again, that's her, not me. I'm a GUNS star.
The J-RoK crew help Florida Man out of the ring.
Magnus: I hope Kira Izumi is watching, because there are going to be serious repercussions for this invasion.
The cameras cut to the backstage area. We see that Mr Blobby is still backstage. He looks furtively around before he pulls out a stack of business cards and rifles through them. He picks one up and we cut to it.
He pours a packet of sherbert onto it and folds it up before eating it.
Noel Edmonds (OS): BLOBBY! NO SPEEDBALLS WHEN YOU’RE AT XHF EVENTS!!
Edmonds rushes on-screen, as fast as an eighty-something former BBC television presenter can do so.
Noel Edmonds: Why are the cameras watching you? Is this meant to be some fan-cam footage or something?
Mr Blobby: BLOBBY?
Noel Edmonds: We’ve got lunch with Cornette this week! If he finds out we’re engaging in the same kind of contrived captured backstage footage as Big Bicep Tony? Well…you know what’s going to happen…don’t you?
A wave of fear washes over the pink and yellow bastard.
Noel Edmonds: That’s right, ten minutes in the penalty box with Stacey!
Mr Blobby: BLOB!
Noel Edmonds: You know the Synn, you’ve got to pay it. Just be glad she’s not Welsh.
Edmonds shudders at the idea of a Welsh woman.
Noel Edmonds: So, what’s the meaning of all this?
Mr Blobby: Blob…Blobby…Blob.
He points to the camera.
Mr Blobby: BLOBICUS!!!
A light-bulb appears above Edmonds’ head.
Noel Edmonds: Good thinking, Blobster. Not even a show under our belts and you’ve got the perfect platform.
Edmonds adjusts the gaudy Christmas-style jumper he is wearing and turns to the cameras.
Noel Edmonds: We’re here! That’s right, GUNS fans! The Crinkly Bottom Boys are here to tell you all that The GUNS may be tag-team champions now but soon, soon we’re going to take the belts just like we beat The Bang Bros for the XHF tag-team titles! When you ask? Not today, no not today. Maybe not next month either, Blobby gets busy around Christmas with Pantomime seasons but maybe January! Maybe January is when we come and take those titles and show you what a real tag-team is about!!!
During the tirade, Blobby has begun to pull at the pullover of Edmonds.
Noel Edmonds: What?
Mr Blobby: BLOBBICUS!
Noel Edmonds: That’s right! You’re not worthy, GUNS fans, of seeing us tonight. But fear not, we’re about to unleash the biggest tie-in on the XHF Network since A Very Shitstorm Christmas Match, Sponsored by Shitstorm 3: Santa's Been Naughty; the movie, based on the musical, based on the play, plagiarised from the novel, in collaboration with Super Sake Presents: Off the Wagon Pictures, in conjunction with the XHF Network, starring Steve Awesome, featuring Curtis Kanyon, Blobby, Noel Edmonds, and special appearance by Tom Cruise as the Dog. Oh hey this is for the XHF Tag Team Chanpionships too!
Mr Blobby: BLOB!
Noel Edmonds: Like he said, ROLL THE VT!!
The scene fades in from black.
David Attenborough: Welcome, GUNS fans. Welcome to a land before time…well, after Padfoot and Blue but definitely before your grandparents….welcome to the Forbidden Blobdom! … Shunned before by every documentary series and scientist but now rediscovered thanks to a tremendous cash injection in funding to me.
We see a picture of Mr Blobby.
David Attenborough: We often ask, what is a Blobby. We’re going to find out how they managed to not only survive amongst the Homo Sapiens, Homo Neanderthalensis and Homo Denisovan but actually THRIVE! Only on the Greatest Underrated Network Stars show! We’ll see how the race of Blobbys not only enhanced their own life but our own!
David Attenborough: Starting next month, we’ll be tracking it all from the start. Don’t miss out on Homo Blobbicus with me, Sir David Frederick Attenborough!
David Attenborough (to off-camera): Look, I won’t mention you forgot the Sir if you just reassure me I won’t have to record inside a bear…
We cut back to ringside to Magnus and Phillips. Magnus is filled with joy.
Magnus: A double dose of Blobby, what a great show.
Phillips: This is going to give me nightmares. Luckily one of our founders Venom is in the ring to cleanse our pallet. Any idea what’s going on Magnus?
Magnus: No one tells me anything.
In the ring Venom stands with a black bag tucked under his arm. He looks around at the crowd and pulls his mic up.
Venom: I scheduled this time out here for some special father and son time to welcome my blood back into the fold, but I haven’t seen him at all. I had this gift here.
Venom taps the bag under his arm, but then his attention darts to the crowd where there is some disruption. An audience member pushes forward and hops the rail. Security storms him, but then for some reason let him through and a young man wearing a pumpkin head slides into the ring.
Venom looks across the ring at the Pumpkin head and exclaims.
Venom: Take that stupid Pumpkin head off El.
Pumpkin head El Rey takes the pumpkin off his head reluctantly.
El Rey: Look pop, I was trying to be here on time, but somebody…
El Rey glares at the announcers table.
El Rey: …hired a stupid robot who wouldn’t let me in. I tried to get in for a long time and then I just bought a ticket. So when that shows up on your credit card statement you know why. Then I needEd a costume so I…
Venom: Stop. Stop before I change my mind about this.
El Rey quickly zips his lip while Venom shakes his head in frustration.
Venom: What I have here under my arm is motivation.
El Rey: Motivation?
Venom: Yes, motivation. Now that you’re back in GUNS, I want you to have a reason to be here. So I broke this old thing out of storage for you.
Venom pulls a shiny gold belt out of the black felt bag and it’s a version of the XHF Junior Heavyweight Championship, but “GUNS” has been written over the XHF logo.
El Rey: For me???
Venom: Not so fast. It’s for you, if you can earn it. This is my old XHF Championship I was presented to commemorate my XHF Junior Heavyweight Championship win. Now, though, it’s the official GUNS Junior Heavyweight Championship, and you can earn it if you are able to run the gauntlet.
El Rey: Gauntlet? Sounds stupid.
Venom: Well you have no choice, but don’t worry. This won’t be a traditional gauntlet, but a season long gauntlet, and it starts on episode 2 where you will go one-on-one with Christopher Velez!
El Rey reaches out to grab the title after the announcement, but Venom snatches it away.
Phillips: Wow, big news. We now have our own Junior Heavyweight Championship!
Magnus: Would’ve been nice to have known about that. Let’s cut to our favorite bear backstage from earlier.
We open Backstage to see Goldbear II roaming around, probably foraging for food. He sees a bucket of fish sitting in the middle of an empty room. He sniffs his as he enters, not noticing the giant bullseye crappies painted under the bucket. Goldbear II sauntered over to the bucket. Sniffs around and walks away. After a few seconds, some eyes open on the wall. Curtis Kanyon moves away from the wall, painted to look exactly like it!
Curtis: Damn, why didn't that work?
Magnus enters the room, dressed as Doctor Frankenstein.
Curtis: What's up doc?
Magnus: I thought I smelled Randy Angel, needed to talk to him… are you a wall?
Curtis: Not my official costume, this was to trick Goldbear II. I'm trying to corner him for a title shot.
Magnus: Two problems with your trick home slice. One, bears only eat live fish. Two, you need to be a bear to challenge for the title.
Curtis: That seems like discrimination?
Magnus: I didn’t make the rule. But if we got the Junior Heavyweight Title in the organization, we can have this too.
Curtis: Hmmm.
Magnus: Good luck trying to be a bear!
Magnus walks off.
Curtis: Well shit. I need to call my wife.
We cut back to ringside where Magnus is reading on his iPad and Phillips is flirting with a lovely lady dressed in a scantily clad cat costume. Magnus looks up shocked the camera is back.
Magnus: Uh. We now throw it backstage to Stella Starr, who is having a word with one of tonight’s title challengers!
The backstage area has a half dozen GUNS superstars are carving pumpkins. Along with being a festive reminder that this is the Halloween show, these will be used in the evening’s Jack-O-Lantern death match.
Stella Starr: Thanks Magnus, yes – as you can see a lot of GUNS are getting into the festive spirit carving pumpkins. These will act as the official tickets for them to gain entrance in tonight’s Jack-O-Lantern free for all.
Stella picks up a pumpkin with a smiley face.
Stella Starr: In the match, each participant will have their own personal jack-o-lantern...
She throws the pumpkin on the floor.
Stella Starr: And when it breaks – they are eliminated. Joining me now is Rival Recruiter Ozawa-
The obvious J-RoK headhunter is holding a pumpkin that looks like it has the dreams of a fisherman’s wife carved into his gourd.
Stella Starr: Good evening Ozawa, that certainly is graphic-
Rival Recruiter Ozawa: WOW! The Banker’s Daughter-
Ozawa is clearly a fan of the interview’s days wrestling for PLOW.
Stella Starr: Tell us, Ozawa – what do you think your chances are tonight challenging for the Phoenix?
Rival Recruiter Ozawa: Against a small child? Pretty good. But with all these other athletes? I’m just happy to watch. Which reminds me – if you ever get sick of this interview shtick, and want to get back to the ring... I know a company that would welcome the Banker’s Daughter...
Stella Starr: I’m quite happy here thanks.
Rival Recruiter Ozawa (hiding the J-RoK business card he was about to hand her, and smiling at the camera): Me too! Me too!
Harsh Winter Pilgrim, missing a pumpkin, walks through the shot – so the camera decides to follow him. As Pilgrim walks past them, Doug, Shoe Shine Syko, and East L.A. Wombat all hide their pumpkins like they don’t trust him. Pilgrim finally stops at the end of the hall with the title fight’s road agent.
Harsh Winter Pilgrim: Um, Mister Burton – I’ve misplaced my pumpkin.
Sam Burton: That’s the tenth pumpkin you’ve “misplaced” we all know you’re eating them!
Harsh Winter Pilgrim: It’s going to be so cold...
Further down the hall, Magnus has snuck away from the announce position long enough to hand some notes to his production assistant. Turning, Magnus is about to return out into the arena, when he’s stopped by a cowboy.
Bill Stokes: Given how much outside interference was in his match, Bones wants another shot at eating the young’un.
Magnus: Get bent-
Pushing past the cowboy, Magnus comes face to face with the much larger Dinosaur Bones.
Dinosaur Bones: ANY APE WILL DO-
Magnus: Ha, ha... Bones. I was just saying how unfortunate that match was. You were clearly robbed. Probably even had to go to bed hungry. Do you sleep? There’s a conundrum. You want another shot at the kid; we’ll put you in tonight’s Jack-O-Lantern match...
The camera pans from Magnus wormy ways, further up the hall where the Wombats are walking with their Bert & Ernie pumpkins.
Mrs. Wombat: They are letting Bones back in.
L.A. Wombat: Really? Well I guess it makes sense to have a GUNS wrestler beat him so we don’t lose face-
Mrs. Wombat: And what GUNS wrestler will that be?
L.A. Wombat: Um, well...
Mrs. Wombat: It’s a short list – and with Red injured, that list gets a lot shorter. Wombat- I want you to promise me...
L.A. Wombat: I can beat him-
Mrs. Wombat: Hon, I know YOU can. But they don’t think that way. The minute they get desperate, they are going to ask you to get possessed again-
L.A. Wombat: Demonic Venom could definitely take hi-
Mrs. Wombat: I want you to PROMISE ME, that no matter what – you won’t let that horrible Venom possess your body again. No exceptions.
Los Authentico looks over at the intimidating Bones, then the concern in his wife’s eyes.
L.A. Wombat: ...I promise.
She hugs him. Holding hands, the two continue down the hallways as the feed cuts back to the arena.
Phillips: You’re giving Dinosaur Bones a shot at the Phoenix in the Jack-O-Lantern Death Match?
Magnus: You lose the match when your pumpkin breaks. That colossal moron will probably eat his own. Goodbye CAR, can’t say we didn’t give you a chance. Now more from our top sponsor, Super Sake!
We open as a nearly Loonie Tunes-esq cartoon bubble takes over your screen! Soon the smiling faces of Randy Angel and Kris Quake pop up from the bottom.
Narrator: スーパーサケプレゼンツ：責任を持ってたくさん飲む！
[Super Sake Presents: Drink a lot responsibly!]
The scene quickly changes to a tired worker walking back home late in the evening. His back is arched as he can barely even stand from the exhausting hours Japanese workers put in (though oddly still less than Mexico or South Korea). Suddenly with a light poof of smoke he’s stopped by a giant bottle of Super Sake and a box….which presumably also has a bottle of Super Sake inside.
Randy: Hey there! Are you tired?
[やあ！ 疲れましたか？]
Quake: Worn out?
[使い古された？]
Randy: Borderline suicidal?
[境界線の自殺？]
Quake: Not even close to ripped enough for women to notice you?
[女性があなたに気付くのに十分なほど引き裂かれていませんか？]
Randy: Feeling ignored?
[無視されていると感じていますか？]
Quake: Feeling as though you’re lacking in b-vitamins?
[ビタミンBが不足しているように感じますか？]
Randy: What?
[なに？]
Quake: Sorry- I mean, “Feeling as though you’re lacking the element of cool around your peers?”
[申し訳ありませんが、「仲間の周りにクールな要素が欠けているように感じますか？」]
Worker: すみません、英語は話せません
[ I'm sorry, I can't speak English]
Randy: That’s ok, I can’t speak Japanese!
[大丈夫、日本語が話せません！]
He winks at the camera and with a friendly jingling sound suddenly we AWESOME RAINBOW EXPLOSION wipe to the inside of a restaurant. The three are sitting in a booth off to the side (not an easy feat considering Randy/Quake’s costumes) drinking what is clearly Super Sake brand sake.
Randy: So anyway, I told him: “You can’t spend the rest of your career under a mask, what are you gonna do, let history remember you as somebody else entirely and forget about the real you?”
[それでとにかく、私は彼に言いました：「あなたはマスクの下であなたのキャリアの残りを過ごすことはできません、あなたは何をするつもりですか、歴史にあなたを他の誰かとして完全に覚えさせて、本当のあなたを忘れさせますか？」]
Worker: 上司は、私が生産性を上げなければ、私の仕事を続けるために妻を脅迫して彼とセックスするつもりだと言いました。
[My boss said that if I didn't increase my productivity, he would threaten my wife to have sex with him in order to continue my work.]
Quake: Wow! This Super Sake brand Sake tastes delicious! I bet we could solve all of our problems through Super Sake brand Sake!
[うわー！ このスーパー酒ブランドの酒は美味しい！ スーパーサケブランドのサケですべての問題を解決できると思います！]
They all take a shot. The poor worker lightly sobs but Randy pats him on the back and laughs. Then Quake laughs. Finally the worker lets out a half-hearted laugh so as not to look like a jerk, peer pressure works real well in Asia. Randy winks at the camera again as a friendly jingle AWESOME RAINBOW wipes them to a karaoke bar. The man is up on stage crying through some serious emotions in this song while Randy and Quake talk.
Quake: So when in this do we get to talk about your upcoming inclusion in the THE GUNS SHOW?
[では、いつトーナメントに参加するかについて話し合うことができますか？]
Randy: You mean TONIGHT'S GUNS SHOW EXTRA WORDS TO MAKE SPACE that’ll feature some of your favorite stars of GUNS including Super Sake Presents: Randy Angel of Off the Wagon?
[3月20日に開催されるJ-ROKのマジカルミステリートーナメントでは、Super Sake Presents：Randy Angel of Off the Wagonなど、J-ROKのお気に入りのスターが登場します。]
Quake: Yes, that.
[はい、その。]
Randy: Well I suppose now is a goo-
[さて、今は良い時期だと思います]
He stops because our depressed worker has come off stage to blubber more with his new friends Bottle and Box of Super Sake brand Sake. Box of Super Sake brand Sake isn’t ready yet though.
Quake: HEY! NOBODY SAID YOU COULD FINISH! YOU GO BACK AND KEEP RUINING YOUR FAVORITE SONGS!
[HEY！ 誰もあなたが終えることができました言いませんでした！ あなたは戻ってあなたの好きな曲を台無しにし続けます！]
At first the man seems taken aback at the harshness of his tone- but suddenly Quake smiles and produces another shot of Super Sake brand Sake.
Quake: Haha, I mean, enjoy some of this Super Sake brand Sake! It’ll make you number one at karaoke!
[ははは、つまり、このスーパー酒ブランドの酒を楽しんでください！ カラオケでナンバーワンになります！]
They all laugh as the man takes another shot. The camera then zooms in on Randy’s face as he again winks/RAINBOW wipes us to another scene. Now we’re in what appears to be some incredibly shady bar.
Worker: 彼も怠惰な脅威を作っているとは思わない。 そういうことが起こる動画を見たことがあります。 私は妻が大好きです、なぜこれが私の人生でなければならないのですか？
[ I don't think he creates a lazy threat either. I've seen a video of that happening. I love my wife, why should this be my life?]
Randy: Well don’t you worry about me partner, most of those people in THE GUNS SHOW haven’t faced a guy like me.
[さて、あなたは私のパートナーについて心配しないでください、トーナメントのそれらの人々のほとんどは私のような男に直面していません。]
Worker: あなたは何について話していますか？
[What are you talking about?]
They all take a shot anyway.
Randy: That’s a good point man! I do have the power of Super Sake brand sake to power through!
[それは良い点です！ 私は、を介して電源にスーパー日本酒ブランドの酒の力を持っています！]
Quake: Super Sake brand sake can make you the life of the party AND the ring!
[スーパー酒ブランドの日本酒は、パーティーとリングの生活を送ることができます！]
Randy: Yes it can, as long as you do it responsibly!
[はい、責任を持って行う限り、可能です。]
Worker: 私は私の全体の家族を辱めています。
[ I'm humiliating my whole family.]
Quake: But you can’t be ashamed of the great taste of Super Sake brand sake!
[でも、スーパー酒ブランドの酒の美味しさは恥ずかしくない！]
Wait, did Quake understand him? They toast again and Randy winks to the camera as we BLARG RAINBOW VOMIT wipe to a bridge over a river!?
Randy: This place is boring and has nothing to do with my involvement in THE GUNS SHOW.
[この場所は退屈で、トーナメントへの私の関与とは何の関係もありません。]
Quake: Yeah man, you know what would make all of this a lot better?
[ええ、あなたはこれをもっと良くするために何ができるか知っていますか？]
Worker: 私が臆病者ではなく、実際にジャンプした場合はどうなりますか？
[What if I'm not a coward and I actually jump?]
Randy: That’s right! Super Sake brand sake! Making even hanging out on bridges at night suck a little less!
[そのとおり！ スーパー酒ブランド酒！ 夜に橋にぶらぶらすることさえ少しひどくしません！]
Quake turns around with a tray of Super Sake brand sake in shot glasses on a tray. They all take shots as Off the Wagon laughs over-enthusiastically. One last wink from Randy and a SPIRAL RAINBOW wipe takes us outside of door over-lit by a TON of neon lights. There’s some very suggestively clad women standing outside of it making kissy faces at passing people.
Worker: すみません、私の美しい妻。
[ I'm sorry, my beautiful wife.]
Quake: That’s right! Thank you Super Sake brand sake for making life better in every way!
[そのとおり！ あらゆる面で人生をより良くしてくれたSuperSakeブランドの日本酒に感謝します！]
Randy: Drink Super Sake a lot- responsibly!
[スーパー酒をたくさん飲む-責任を持って！]
*lWe then cut to a green screen of GIANT Randy Angel and Kris Quake in their costumes in heroic poses as they tower above a cartoon city and airplanes fly past them, dwarfed by their massive size.
Narrator: 頑張ってランディエンジェル！ そして、スーパーサケの力があなたに大きな勝利をもたらしますように！ 責任を持ってたくさん飲んでください！
[Good luck Randy Angel! And may the power of Super Sake bring you great victory! Drink a lot responsibly!]
We fade out on this television spot, and cut to a previously recorded scene from last nights End of Days final.
We find Steve Awesome, after his hellacious Greenhouse match against Zoran, sans the XCrown Championship.
Steve Awesome: Zoran you son of a bitch! I thought I was done with you, but now I see we are destined to fight forever!
He glares into the camera.
Steve Awesome: Trust me when I say that I will be back for my title. You may have won tonight but that just makes the score….”
Steve puts up two fingers.
Steve Awesome: “Two to…”
He flips his hand around and leaves up the middle finger.
Steve Awesome: “one.”
He flashes that classic smirk and nods.
Steve Awesome: And at oh say Supremacy…
Crowd pop for a possible date.
Steve Awesome:….I’m gonna make it Three to One.
And angry Steve walks off and we fade out.
Then fade in on a dejected Los Bang! Hermanos walking through the backstage area after End of Days.
Curtis Kanyon: Top of the Class? More like Bottom of the Ass! Am I right?
El Combatiente: Si, pero nos derrotaron en combate.(Yes, but they did defeat us in combat.)
Curtis Kanyon: Now is not the time for your logic EC. I just really wanted to shove DT’s hat down his throat and stomp Mistresses glasses! I wanted to bring the XHF tag team titles back to the Bang Bros! I wanted to show what unity could do.”
El Combatiente:“No te preocupes, Curtis. Este no es el final de los días para nosotros. Es posible que hayamos perdido esta noche, pero aún nos quedan muchos puntos para cobrar y desafiar nuevamente. Les mostraremos que no fallamos dos veces” “(Don’t worry Curtis. This is not the end of days for us. We may have lost tonight but we still have plenty of points left to cash in and challenge again. We will show them we don’t miss twice.”)
EC puts a fist in the air. Kanyon nods and bumps the fist back.
Curtis Kanyon: That’s right! We never used any of our global tag team points. That means we can cash in for a shot whenever we want it. That’s perfect. See Top of the Class, they just barely got the win. But the next time they aren’t going to be so lucky! Top of the Class have not seen the last of Bang HERMANOS!”
Kanyon and EC walk away from the camera and it fades.
And we fade back in on Spike Kane, the God of Xtreme, a straight up legend in this business, standing in catering, with no match on the card, checking out the different types of pizza they had for everyone.
Spike lifts up the top to one of the boxes and gives it a whiff.
Spike Kane: Mmm!
He yells off screen.
Spike Kane: Hey Price! This one has bacon!
Spike grabs a slice and turns around to see Kanyon and EC walk in. And you can feel the Awkward tension fill up the room.
Curtis Kanyon: Oh…uhhh hey Spike. I didn’t know you were here.
Spike Kane: Well you know, I was in the tournament. I mean, the food is free. Shut up.
Spike rips a bite out of the pizza. Just then Steve Awesome comes waltzing in but suddenly stops when he notices Kanyon, EC and Spike standing there in there Awkward moment and it gets Awkward and uncomfortable for him as well.
Steve Awesome: Oh. I didn’t realize anyone was in here… maybe I’ll just go…
Steve starts to leave. EC looks around the room and shakes his head.
El Combatiente: Steve. Wait.
Steve stopped before he left the room and turned back to face EC.
El Combatiente: ¿No puedes ver? ¿Ninguno de nosotros puede ver? Míranos. Hay algo seriamente mal con esta imagen, mis amigos. ¿Esto es Bang Bros o es el club de los grandes perdedores? Steve perdió la XCrown esta noche. Curtis y yo, nos quedamos cortos en ganar los títulos de parejas de XHF. Spike ni siquiera aparecía en la cartelera. ¡No somos tan fuertes como éramos antes de dejar que esta tensión y estos problemas se interpongan entre nosotros y debemos resolver esto para poder volver a donde estábamos antes!
(“Can’t you see? Can’t any of us see? Look at us. There is something seriously wrong with this picture, my friends. Is this the Bang Bros or is the big fat losers club? Steve lost the XCrown tonight. Curtis and I, we came up short on winning the XHF Tag Team Titles. Spike wasn’t even featured on the card. We aren’t as strong as we were before we let this tension and these problems come between us and we need to figure this out so we can get back to where we were before!)
Kanyon nods his head as the wise words from his sage like partner set in. Spike slowly chewed his pizza as he thought things over and then nodded.
Steve Awesome: I have no idea what he just said….”
Curtis stepped forward.
Curtis Kanyon: “He said, The Bang Bros have a problem.”
Steve didn’t try to argue.
Curtis Kanyon: So what are we going to do about it?
Everyone looked at each other but it didn’t seem like anyone had an answer.
Phillips: Fans, those of you who watched REIGN’s Cruising for Gold saw the GUNS Regular Army put up a valiant effort defending our federation’s good name against the hated CAR enthusiasts in Bad to the Bone racing. Unfortunately they fell short when a mysterious man in a Charbroiled mask interfered-
Magnus: That run-in had nothing to do with us losing-
Phillips: As a result of the interference, MISTER GUNS himself, Redmond Fury fell prey to The Dread Lord Dinosaur Bones. He was eviscerated, and thrown into the ocean-
Magnus: A crying shame.
Phillips: As a result of the injuries Fury suffered, he is unable to participate in tonight’s Jack-O-Lantern Death Match. We have, however, sent cub reporter Stella Starr out to his stately Atlanta mansion-
Magnus: *grumble*
Phillips: -that he got in the divorce from Magnus... to interview Fury.
Magnus: Let’s get this over with-
Phillips: Over to you Stella!
Exterior shot. A multimillion-dollar estate that used to belong to Magnus, before he thought it would be funny to trick people into marrying him... then leave one of them for dead inside a bear. A dissolve takes viewers into the living room, where Redmond Fury recuperates by a roaring fireplace.
Stella Starr: Thanks Tom – Redmond, all of GUNS nation was distraught at your treatment by Dinosaur Bones. How are you holding up?
Redmond Fury: Hello Stella, thank you for coming. GUNS Nation, I am sorry I can’t be there with you tonight – doctor’s orders, but I’ll be back in no time, you can’t keep a Buckeye Brawler down!
Stella Starr: I think we were all shocked by the extremes that Bones went to-
Redmond Fury: I wish I could say I was. For over a year, Bones has tried to have my number – and repeatedly failed. He can’t get it done in the ring, so the obvious solution was to drop me off a cruise ship. Nice try Bones, but even with the power of the ocean, you’re only delaying the inevitable. With all the healing power that GUNS Nation is feeding me, I’ll be back on my feet in no time- and when I do? That Phoenix championship is coming back to GUNS where it belongs-
Stella Starr: Actually Tinto beat Bones for the title.
Redmond Fury: He did? Good for him! Tinto is a lot sassier than his weight would indicate.
Stella Starr: ...But he’s with CAR, so the title is still being held by an outsider.
Redmond Fury: Well, if he beat Bones then Tinto is no joke- but I feel comfortable that Ken, L.A., or even Doug can win the championship from him before I get back, and I’ll be cheering for them.
Stella Starr: And what of the masked man that attacked you-
Redmond Fury: As we speak, I’ve hired wrestling detective Harrington Heart to uncover the identity of that cowardly fiend-
DING DONG!
Redmond Fury: We would have this interview on Halloween, excuse me-
With a great deal of effort, Fury rises from his chair- grabbing a bowl of candy; he limps over to the door. Opening it to a witch, three Harley Quinns and a Babe Ruth.
Kids: Trick or treat!
Redmond Fury: What great costumes. (throwing candy in bags) So scary, there you go kids! Happy Halloween!
Fury closes the door.
Redmond Fury: With Heart on the trail – we’ll know who that horrible villain was in no time-
DING DONG!
Redmond Fury: Excuse me-
Fury opens the door again.
Redmond Fury: What great costum-
A straight right hook knocks Fury back into a coatrack. As Colossus Rhodes enters dressed as Frankenstein, while the Charbroiled Masque is decked out in a Phantom of the Opera costume.
Stella Starr: Now hang on one minute-
Rhodes shoves the interviewer into the living room, where a couch breaks her fall, before falling over. Behind him, Fury puts the big man in a waist lock – trying to pull the brute away from the interviewer, only to leave himself open Masque who breaks a chair across the Buckeye Bruiser’s back.
Colossus Rhodes: NICE ABODE. IT IS LITTLE WONDER MAGNUS WAS SO DISTRESSED OVER ITS LOSS-
A straight right sends Fury crashing into the bar. Charbroiled smashes a whisky bottle over Fury’s head, before throwing him over the counter. Popping up behind the counter, Redmond Fury whips a Sapporo at the Masked man’s head. Charbroiled ducks, letting it break a mirror behind him. Fury fires another at Rhodes, who isn’t as lucky – getting nailed in his missing eye. Roaring, Rhodes charges forward – ignoring the dozen cans that are definitely bruising him up, to grab Fury by the throat – and slam him through the bar. Not letting go, Rhodes tosses him at Masque – who in turn SPEARS Fury’s bruised ribs, running him right into the camera.
*Signal Lost*
After a near minute of black, the feed cuts back to the arena.
Magnus: Fury attacked in MY home? I’d bust out my world’s smallest violin, but I lost that in the divorce too.
Phillips: How dare they attack Fury at home! But on the Brightside, you’re in the clear-
Magnus: What?
Phillips: Since you’re here, you can’t be charbroiled masque!
Magnus: Wait, you thought I cost the GUNS that REIGN match?
Phillips: I mean, Magnus, we all did...
The camera cuts to the ring where a dozen wrestlers have already assembled for the multi-man Jack-O-Lantern Death match. More bodies make their way in a procession up the aisle, showing off their pumpkin creations to the fans. An unpaid intern dressed as The Mummy acts as an announcer.
The Mummy: The Following contest is a Jack-O-Lantern match for the XHF Phoenix title!
Phillips: We will try to get an update on the Fury assault fans; if there is any way to reconnect the signal we’ll get it. Meanwhile the ring is getting filled up for what should prove to be a chaotic contest.
Magnus: Tinto the CAR Orphan somehow managed to beat Dinosaur Bones for MY Phoenix championship. From CAR to CAR, well tonight I can promise the belt returns to a GUNS star – as Tinto puts the title on the line against dozens, in a Jack-O-Lantern death match. I don't have to trust them to pin him, just break his damn pumpkin.
The last of the cavalcade to climb into the ring is the massive frame of Dinosaur Bones, who carries a pumpkin with a 6 pack of chicken McNuggets carved into it. As the beast finally enters the ring, the lights dim.
The Mummy: Ladies and gentlemen, yesterday Tinto was slaughtered in a bar fight that GUNS has declared too graphic for airing. The murderer, and new champion, was birthed at an ICP concert taking place within an insane asylum. Please welcome MISTER RIP N. TERROR!!!!
“Dragula” by Rob Zombie blares as the lights go out. A power wheels version of the Munster’s car, coated in blacklight paint, races down the ramp. Tinto steps out in an exact replica of The Fiend costume except that his mask is of the Cyberdemon. Tinto raises a lantern shaped like the Doom Slayer helmet and headbangs his way into the ring.
Phillips: Tinto has gotten a new look, and the crowd is eating it up!
Magnus: Sellouts!
Phillips: After helping Tinto win the Phoenix title from Dinosaur Bones, Hardkore World Champion and CAR enthusiast, Marty Donovan has spent the last day trying to teach the child everything he needs to know to successfully retain. Then realizing it might be hard work, instead concocted this gimmick change to intimidate the other participants.
Magnus: It should be noted that I am not recognizing Marty Donovan’s inane backstory title change, and the records will show that Tinto is still the champ. I’m not having THREE CAR title reigns.
Phillips: I think Marty might be onto something, a number of the wrestlers looking uncomfortable to be there with Mister Rip N. Terror-
Magnus: The kid looks like he has rabies – you’d be scared too.
Phillips: A lot of great pumpkin carvings, I almost feel bad for what is about to go down-
DING! DING! DING!
XHF Shockmaster: Whooooops.
The second the bell rings, Shockmaster falls forwards. Despite the limited space in the ring most of the athletes are able to scramble out of the big man’s way. Trying to catch his balance, Shockmaster reaches out – and accidentally smacks the Doom Slayer Helmet pumpkin out of Tinto’s hands... where it shatters against the canvas.
The Mummy: Mister Rip N.Terror has been eliminated!
A hush falls over the crowd.
Magnus: HE DID IT!
Phillips: I had to see it to believe it-
Magnus: With Tinto eliminated, no matter who wins this match, the belt is coming home-
Phillips: You mean-
Magnus: XHF Shockmaster is the HERO of GUNS!
The audience start chanting “XHF Shockmaster.” Yes, the XHF part is a little awkward, but it's the only thing differentiating him from the other Shockmaster.
Mister Rip N. Terror: No fair, you cheated!
Having a temper tantrum, Tinto starts to ineffectively kick away at XHF Shockmaster’s shin. Ignoring the brat, Shockmaster turns to his mortal enemy Unboxed Ken and tries to bat the gourd out of his hands with an overhand chop. After the initial confusion of a Shockmaster chant dies down, the rest of the wrestlers get into the brawl – each trying to be very protective while getting their shots in.
MEANWHILE IN THE HOUSE THAT MAGNUS AND FURY HOPED TO BUILD A LIFE TOGETHER IN...
The footage returns to Fury’s Mansion, formerly Casa de Magnus, just as Redmond throws Charbroiled Masque through the glass sliding door of a shower. Trying to break his fall – the mystery man grabs the shower handle – only to tear the pipes through the wall. As water spray both of them, Fury leans into the bathtub and starts stomping a hole in his masked antagonist. This assault is a momentary reprieve, as Rhodes catches Fury in the back of the neck with a forearm smash, then body slams him into the toilet. Porcelain shatters, and more broken pipe fixtures are exposed with water blasting in every direction – including the camera, which breaks the signal.
MEANWHILE IN THE ARENA THAT TORE THEIR RELATIONSHIP APART...
The Mummy: Bath Salts Snorting Face Chewer has been eliminated!
Phillips: Officials escorting the Face Chewer out of the ring – fortunately no one lost a nose to the beast.
Magnus: Harsh Winter Pilgrim tries to chow down on Ring Crew Doug’s pumpkin, but instead eats a closeline courtesy of East L.A. Wombat.
Dinosaur Bones manages to keep his pumpkin grasped in his tiny t-rex arms, which still makes it higher than anyone else can reach. While guarding it, he attempts to step on Los Authentico – chasing the future XHF Hall of Famer around the ring. Mrs. Wombat is far more aggressive, with her pumpkin strapped to her back in a baby harness, freeing her arms up to forearm smash the hell out of anyone stupid enough to get in her way. The most intense brawl remains between Unboxed Ken and the now popular XHF Shockmaster, who is still being followed around by a livid Tinto. While all this action is going down, Rival Recruiter Ozawa is making notes on what talent to steal for J-RoK. He is so busy jotting things down, that he doesn’t see the hungry eyes of a pilgrim who is expecting difficult weather conditions.
The Mummy: Rival Recruiter Ozawa has been eliminated!
While Harsh Winter Pilgrim is distracted with a mouthful of fisherman’s wife dreams – the design on the lantern – Ring Crew Doug tries to take advantage. He clearly underestimates Pilgrim’s gluttony.
The Mummy: Doug – from the ring crew – has been eliminated!
Pilgrim’s hands are so full of half eaten pumpkins, he couldn’t possibly defend his own Mayflower – the design – from an attack. ATV Bandit tries to drive over Pilgrim’s pumpkin, only to have his eaten as well. The design was of a scary ATV for anyone wondering about the lantern.
The Mummy: ATV Bandit has been eliminated!
Pilgrim is so engrossed it eating like a pig, he even eats his own pumpkin.
The Mummy: Harsh Winter Pilgrim has been eliminated!
The Pilgrim looks confused by this, so Mrs. Wombat helps him out of the ring with a STIFF Kawada kick to the face.
Phillips: Man that Pilgrim can really put them away.
Magnus: Should be in a tag team with Bones...
Phillips: Someone call the Sakura Tag League.
MEANWHILE IN THE HOUSE THAT IS NO LONGER A HOME...
The footage returns to the mansion just as Redmond Fury kicks Colossus Rhodes down a staircase – the larger brute manages to take out most of the stairs in his fall. Fury seems to be back in control, until Charbroiled Masque catches him a shouldertackle that sends both men downstairs – leaving a dent in the wall before taking out a load bearing pillar. Both intruders pick Fury up with a double snap suplex through a door into a study.
SPLIT SCREEN. HOUSE FIGHT on the right, and LANTERN ARENA on the left.
Phillips: Our television producer has managed to set up a split screen so we can watch Fury fight for his life, while giving this title match the proper respect.
Magnus: I don’t mind us just showing the Fury ass kicking. It looks good on him, and without a broadcast we can just tell people that Nelly won the Phoenix title.
The Mummy: East L.A. Wombat has been eliminated-
Phillips: I was so busy watching Fury get thrown through his kitchen; I missed who eliminated East L.A.
Magnus: Mrs. Wombat – she is on fire!
Phillips: And his lantern design?
Magnus: Cheech Marin.
Phillips: Nice.
The Mummy: Troy “Day Parole” King has been eliminated!
Magnus: He made the mistake of getting between Unboxed Ken and the Hero of GUNS Shockmaster’s slobber knocker. With those mastodons are going at it – going near them is an invitation to get pulped.
Phillips: Hasn’t stopped Tinto-
Magnus: It would look good on him.
Phillips: Well there are only so many places in the ring a person can avoid, and Los Authentico is using most of them to dance circles away from Dinosaur Bones.
The Mummy: Johnny Cobb has been eliminated!
No sooner has the Shoe Shine Syko dropkicked the pumpkin out of Johnny Cobb’s hands, than Mrs. Wombat leapfrogs over the part time curler to axe kick TripleS’s footwear themed jack-o-lantern to the floor.
The Mummy: The Shoe Shine Syko has been eliminated!
Redmond Fury is physically thrown through his front window. Brushing the glass off, Redmond rolls up his sleeves and staggers back over. Slowly stepping back into the house. A few moments later, Colossus Rhodes is thrown through the front door. The hole where the doorframe used to be shows Fury and Charbroiled trading punches in the now burning foyer.
Magnus: Bones sure does seem intent on eating Wombat-
Phillips: Well, the two of them were both inside a bear – I can only imagine that Bones sees Los Authentico as the meal that got away.
Magnus: Allegedly in a bear!
Spring boarding off the ropes, L.A. Wombat tries to hit a flying wristlock, but Bones pulls his pumpkin away and answers with a brutal tail strike that knocks Wombat clear over the top rope – seven rows into the audience. He lands on his pumpkin.
The Mummy: Los Authentico Wombat has been eliminated!
Over in the now dilapidated mansion, a figure in a trenchcoat sneaks up behind Charbroiled Masque. Harrington Heart reaches up- yanking the mask off the phantoms face!
Harrington Heart: That just saved me four days of sleuthing...
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
Phillips: WAIT, that doesn’t make sense- the person who cost GUNS their match against CAR in REIGN was-
BEEF punches the detective out.
Magnus: Other than XHF Shockmaster, the closest thing to a HERO that GUNS has- BEEEEEEEF!
Phillips: Magnus, what did you do?
Magnus: Why are you blaming me? Maybe BEEF just didn’t want to see GUNS closed because of a nasty divorce...
Redmond Fury tries to pull BEEF into the Buckeye Buster – but Colossus Rhodes brings a cabinet down across his back. Reaching down BEEF picks Fury up for a powerbomb, then repeats it, again, and again, the force of the body builder hitting the ground is enough to knock the rest of the furniture over. Finally, BEEF holds onto the cover as Colossus counts a pin.
ONE!
TWO!
THREE!
Colossus Rhodes: CALL IT.
Stella Starr (looking hurt but wanting the beating to end): The winner of this “match,” Colossus Rhodes and BEEF.
The monsters continue to pound Fury and destroy the house.
The Mummy: The Vanilla Lover has been eliminated.
Phillips: I don’t know what to say, I’m sure all the audience is speechless over BEEF.
Magnus: Then focus on the battle royale! Mrs. Wombat on fire with her sixth elimination- even as her husband continues to collect his bearings out on the floor.
Without Los Authenico to distract him, Dinosaur Bones looks at Unboxed Ken and XHF Shockmaster – too more escaped Bear entrees. If the skeleton had lips, he would sneer, but instead answers them with a vicious tail swipe! The two men are knocked over the top rope, landing on the floor. Fortunately their jack-o-lanterns survive the fall; unfortunately Tinto falls on both of them – smashing their lanterns.
The Mummy: XHF Shockmaster and Unboxed Ken have been eliminated-
The bodies finally clear, the canvas is covered in pumpkin seeds and broken candles. Los Authentico Wombat comes too to find his wife facing Dinosaur Bones by herself. The Ernie pumpkin is strapped to her back. Realizing there is only one thing to do, Los Authentico starts to summon the unholy spirit of Venom-
Phillips: L.A. has been eliminated but he won’t let his wife take on Bones by herself-
Magnus: I smell the Demonic breathe of Venom coming on-
Before Wombat can transform, he locks eyes with Mrs. Wombat. She makes a small gesture with her hand, telling him to stop. The two stare at each other in a sad understanding...
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !!
Los Authentico Wombat: NO!
Phillips: JESUS CHRIST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Magnus: NOOOOOoooooooooooo!!!
Dinosaur Bones swallows Mrs. Wombat whole.
DING! DING! DING!
The Mummy doesn’t know how to react. The crowd are stunned.
Phillips: HE ATE HER.
Magnus: I bet people are going to blame me for fucking CAR having the Phoenix title again.
Phillips: Well there was no reason to let Bones into this match.
Magnus: You see!
Enraged, Los Authentico Wombat charges towards the ring – desperate to rip his wife from the beasts’ belly. A dozen security guards get in the way, stopping him from committing suicide.
The Mummy: The winner of this match... and NEW XHF Phoenix champion, DINOSAUR BONES!
The crowd start throwing trash at the ring, which Bones happily eats. Wombat looks ready to be sedated, as he hysterically tries to claw towards the dracolich.
Magnus: Why blame me for this? Why not Zoran? He saved that Tinto kid once, where is he?
Phillips: Well you said you’d fire him.
Magnus: If he didn’t win the X*Crown.
Phillips: Yes, and he did.
Magnus: So why isn’t he here?
Phillips: Maybe he didn’t like your plan to fire him.
Magnus: ...damn. Why do bad things only happen to me?
The split screen turns back to a full screen of the now destroyed mansion, where BEEF and Colossus Rhodes continue to kick away at Fury.
“ROOOOOOOOAR”
The two men look up – then are chased off by a giant grizzly bear.
UrsusLa: ROOOOOOOOOOOOOAR!
As the villains disappear, UrsusLa looks down at Fury. The Buckeye Bruiser can barely move, but manages to roll onto one side.
Redmond Fury: Thanks Urs...
The bear turns to leave.
Redmond Fury: At Night of Champions... I doubted you... and even if it was only a little bit... I want you to know how sorry I was...
Rather than acknowledge Fury’s apology, the bear stalks off, leaving him in a bloody puddle.
Redmond Fury: ...ursusla...
The Buckeye Bruiser passes out.
O.B.R.C: Identification.
El Rey: Huh?
O.B.R.C: Identification.
El Rey: I work here. My dads the boss. What are you?
O.B.R.C: I am Off Brand Robo Cop or O.B.R.C. for short. I have been hired to protect GUNS Arena from unlawful entry. Identification.
El Rey: I told you who I am now let me in.
O.B.R.C: All expected entrants must present identification or purchase a ticket. This is not a ticket entrance. Identification.
El Rey: I’m in sweats and a hoodie man. I left my I.D. at home. How was I supposed to know Magnus would hire a Robo Cop?
O.B.R.C: Off Brand. Without identification you may not enter.
El Rey: Bull shit.
El Rey tries pushing passed the generic version of a movie classic but is tossed back twenty feet by the robotic cop. El Rey lands in a puddle with a splash and we cut to the arena.
BOOM! BANG! POP!
It’s the Halloween episode and season 4 debut of the Gun Show! We pan around the find screaming fans jumping up and down in their best GUNS member costumes. There’s far more L.A. Wombat costumes than you’d expect, both members of the Tag Team Champions, and even one Steve Awesome. Zoran won’t love that. We cut to ringside where we find Magnus dressed as Doctor Frankenstein and Tom Phillips dressed as Quagmire.
Magnus: Welcome to season 4. Happy Halloween live from Atlanta where some of us don’t understand what a team costume is.
Phillips: I told you I didn’t want to be your monster. Besides this fits my style, giggity.
Phillips: Whatever, we have a big show tonight, but remember the card is subject to change so whatever you thought you heard from Zoran probably is t going to happen.
Mosler: Nothing in fact, and we’re kicking it off with the Tag Team Champions.
The lights to the arena shut off and the crowd begins to get on their feet in anticipation. The projection lights up on the main stage, showing the skyline of Atlanta and Ennio Morricone's "Ecstacy of Gold" begins to pour out of the gym speakers. Shots of Goldbear II trying to feast on salmon and cowboys riding horseback through the American West fill the projection. The crowd begins to sing with the music cheer for Goldbear II's appearances on the big screen. The final shot of "Ecstacy of Gold" has Goldbear catching and devouring a salmon in his mouth. Crowd massive pops for their favorite carnivore.
A lone harmonica for "Man with a Harmonica," by Morricone as well, begins to play while showing Goldbear II dining on a bloody feast of salmon. As the harmonica begins to the pick up and is accompanied by an electric guitar, Venom is shown in the video, and then James Mueller, and even Charlie Velez. It cuts back to Goldbear II and then action shots of Venom, Mueller and Velez. Eventually the song breaks down and goes right into "Out of the Black" by Royal Blood. More action shots of the Guns are shown before "THE YOUNG GUNS" come up in text on the projection. The "Young" flickers off and it now reads "THE GUNS."
The crowd pops as Venom and Mueller walk out in front of the projection and onto the main stage. The lights flash with every drum pop in the song. Both men look amped to be here and begin to walk down to the ring. Behind them on the main stage, Goldbear II comes out, dick and balls exposed, to the delight of every fan in attendance and watching at home. Mueller jogs up the stairs to the corner of the ring and pauses on the apron. He sways a little as he approaches the middle of the apron, one hand on the top rope. He leans towards the crowd, looks out, shakes his head at them with a smirk on his face, and then throws himself through the middle ropes on his feet. He spins around on his feet with his arms out to bit of nostalgic cheer. He jerks his arms to his sides and then calms himself down. Venom gets up to his feet and begins walking towards the ring and stops in front of the ring and looks from left to right with his hood still on and then enters the ring. Venom walks to the stairs with Goldbear II close behind walks up the stairs and across the ring apron to the middle. He and Goldbear enter the ring one at a time and walk to the center where he drops to one knee again and points to the sky. Venom and Mueller both meet up in the ring with a fist bump as they begin to take off their jackets and any accesories before the match starts.
Magnus: Here they are, the tag team champs and founders of the company, the Guns!
Phillips: Our Commissioner Zoran would have them face the huge new signing the Crinkly Bottom Boys, but you think it’s too early. So what big name team are our Tag Champs face?
Magnus: Well, uh…
“YOU WANNA TASTE”
Out onto the stage walks the team known as 0.2.
“You may know us as 0.2 and our stage names, but all that has changed. I am Papa Mystical Patt Pernard and this here is my partner Warm Foot Angie Parks.”
Parks: Stop laughing, it’s a family name! We’re tired of having to hide behind the names others want us to use, and in our debut of our REAL names by taking those belts off of these too corporate stooges.
Pernard: That’s right, and we’re going to walk down to right and give you two a taste.
Parks and Pernard waltz to the ring and slide in and stand across from the champs as the Ref calls for the bell.
GUNS Tag Team Championship
The Guns (c) vs The Tag Team Formerly Known as 0.2
The Guns (c) vs The Tag Team Formerly Known as 0.2
The two members of 0.2 can’t seem to shut up so the Guns decide to shut them up with stereo drop kicks. Parks and Pernard stumble back and bounce of the ropes back towards the Guns. Venom greets Parks with a jumping knee and Mueller greets Pernard with a European uppercut. Parks and Pernard stumble back into the ropes and Venom and Mueller charge and send them over the ropes tumbling to the outside. Parks and Pernard huddle up to regroup as in the ring Mueller drops onto all fours. Venom runs and bounces off the opposite side ropes and runs and leaps onto Mueller and then onto the top rope and leaps onto Penard and Parks with a twisting dive taking them both out.
Phillips: The champs are on fire tonight.
Magnus: And whatever they want to be called now have no answer.
Venom quickly gets up and pulls Penard up to his feet and dumps him back into the ring with Mueller. Penard stumbles around with no clue what’s going on. Penard turns around right into James Mueller who kicks him right in the gut and picks him up and spikes him on his head with Cult of Personality. Mueller makes the cover and gets the three.
Winners and STILL GUNS Tag Team Champions: The Guns
Phillips: You were right to hold off on the Crinkley Bottom Boys match. This was so entertaining.
Magnus: I don’t appreciate your sarcasm Tom, but since we have some extra time let’s cut to what happened earlier today.
In his office we see Magnus sitting behind his desk with earbuds in. He’s staring as his screen as behind him his window creaks open. Slowly the head of El Rey squeezes through.
El Rey: Hey, Mags, let me in man. Your new security won’t let me in.
O.B.R.C: Stop! Intruder!
El Rey: See! Somethings wrong with it. Let me in. Magnus? MAGNUS! HELP ME! It has my leeeeeeee…
El Rey trails off as the O.B.R.C. drags him out of the window and off screen. Then we hear a soft knock at the door and Magnus immediately removes his ear buds.
Magnus: Come in.
The door swings open and one half of the Crinkley Bottom Boys Blobby squeezes through the doorway.
Magnus: Oh Blobby, I hope you weren’t waiting long, I had earbuds in.
Blobby: Blobby.
Magnus: Ok good. I wouldn’t want to leave a talent such as yours waiting. It is so good to have an international superstar like you here.
Blobby: BLOBBY!
Magnus: I know, it’s a shame I couldn’t just sign you, but Noel is linked in your contract. As much as I would have loved to just had you and built you as the solo star you’re meant to be.
Bobby: BLOOOOOBBY!
Magnus: Don’t worry about that. We’ll do right by you. We aren’t NLW.
Blobby: Blobby.
The phone rings and Magnus peeks at his phone.
Magnus: Thanks for stopping by. It’s a pleasure to be in the presence of greatness, but I have to take this..
Blobby exits as Magnus puts his earbuds in and answers the call.
Magnus: Memaw, I can’t call you that don’t you have a real name?
Magnus jumps back as there’s yelling in his ear buds. He shakes his head annoyed.
Magnus: Fine, Memaw. Look, I know the feud with us has been fueled by Zoran, and really it’s not my bag, but an opportunity has fallen in our laps. Your Britney did great in End of Days and I have a Bear Necessities Championship…
Magnus pauses and listens for a moment then gasps.
Magnus: No I don’t want to give it to her, I want her to wrestle for it…Yes against my bear…Yes he’s a real bear…Yes bears are dangerous, but he’s a trained professional…look, just think about it, okay? Okay? Hello? Memaw? Did you hang up? Damn it.
Magnus clicks off the call and goes back to watching whatever he was watching. There is a banging against the window and El Rey sticks his head in the window again.
El Rey: Magnus, I got away, but I need you to let me in now! He’s coming! Argh!
El Rey is yanked back out the window and we cut back to ringside.
Everyone's favourite crocodile faced luchador hops the guardrail.
Security tries to stop him, but they ain't no Robocop - so he just hands them his 4loko.
Florida Man: HOLD MY BEER!
Having successfully confused the guard, Florida Man slides into the ring.
Florida Man: YO GUNS, IMMA LET YOU GET BACK TO YOUR LITTLE SHOW IN A MINUTE...
Magnus: Someone get this clown out of my ring!
Florida Man: Now, unless you was under a dang rock, y'all saw your boy Florida MANG step up to the plate during the off season for GUNS FIGHT CLUB!
Phillips: Florida Man did have an impressive showing. I thought he was going to bring the tournament down to a Hobo Fights level, but he actually elevated it... to a hobo fights level.
Florida Man: Now I may not have won the FIXED tournament - thanks a lot Fox - but did ANYONE get as many knockouts as me?
Phillips: I'd have to check, but Florida Man was definitely amongst the top three knockout artists...
Florida Man: AND THAT deserves a proper reward...
Magnus: I left all my food stamps in my other suit.
Florida Man: SO I'M NOT LEAVING THIS RING, TILL I GET WHAT'S DUE...
Magnus: SECURITY!
Florida Man: Everyone knows you win the brawl for all, you get a piece of Butterbean!
Phillips: That doesn't sound like a reward... more a punishment.
Magnus: Works for me.
"Sweet Home Alabama" hits the PA system.
GUNS FIGHT CLUB EPILOGUE
BARE KNUCKLE BOXING
TEN ROUNDS
Eric "Butterbean" Esch vs. "The Surely Fucked" Florida Man
DING! DING! DING!
As the bell rings, Butterbean just murders Florida Man. It makes the Bart Gunn WrestleMania match look humane by comparison.
DING! DING! DING!
Magnus: The winner of this boxing contest - BUTTERBEAN!
Florida Man lies prone on the canvas, choking on his own blood.
Suddenly Yuki Sakaraba, Wolf Fang Ayame, and Rival Recruiter Ozawa also jump the guard rail, coming into the ring to defend the helpless Floridian.
Yuki Sakaraba: "(Leave him alone you bully! Real big man to pick on a person who clearly has mental health issues and no background in boxing!)"
Rival Recruiter Ozawa: I will translate... but only because I speak Japanese, not because I am with them.
The crowd boo the obvious J-RoK headhunter, knowing that he is only there to steal their talent, and clearly lying to them.
Rival Recruiter Ozawa: She says that you may have out boxed the gator, but can you out wrestle him?
Bloody Stump Formerly Florida Man: NO!
Florida Man tries to shake his head no, and crawl away - but he can't physically move. Wolf Fang Ayame uses some smelling salts to try to revive the battered husk that was FML.
Yuki Sakaraba: "(Can you deny such fighting spirit?)"
Butterbean: Is he going to put his title on the line?
Florida Man: NEVER!
Rival Recruiter Ozawa (now translating english to english): OF COURSE!
Butterbean: I want the Yamaguchi Travel Agency to send me to Disneyland, so bring it on!
J-RoK YTA Championship
Atlanta Seedy Dive Death Match
Florida Man (c) Vs. Butterbean
Phillips: Why does that graphic call GUNS Arena a seedy Atlanta dive?
Magnus: If there is an XHF Network affiliate we're not at war with, I haven't met them...
Butterbean gets ready in his corner, while the smelling salts finally revive Florida Man. With his new found composure, Florida Man tries to run away - but ropes are his biggest weakness. Realizing that Florida Man is lacking in liquid courage, Ayame hands him a tequila bottle to enhance his fighting spirit. Unfortunately these J-RoK A-listers forget what a horrible person Florida Man is.... who immediately brains Butterbean with the bottle.
Phillips: Florida Man smashing that tequila bottle over Butterbean's head, I think he calls that the Murphy's Law? There's the cover-
ONE!
TWO!
THREE!
DING! DING! DING!
Phillips: Aren't you going to announce that Florida Man successfully retained?
Magnus: Oh, GET OUT OF HERE!
Florida Man celebrates like he just vindicated Bart Gunn, no small task. Holding his YTA championship, Florida Man continues to annoy the many GUNS Fight Club fans. The other members of J-RoK are more dignified.
Florida Man: YAAAAAA BOI, I AM FIGHT CLUB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yuki Sakarabe: "(Thank you for humouring him.)"
She bows.
Rival Recruiter Ozawa: She said - WHEN YOU MESS WITH ONE J-ROK SUPERSTAR, YOU MESS WITH ALL OF US- so WATCH OUT! ...again, that's her, not me. I'm a GUNS star.
The J-RoK crew help Florida Man out of the ring.
Magnus: I hope Kira Izumi is watching, because there are going to be serious repercussions for this invasion.
The cameras cut to the backstage area. We see that Mr Blobby is still backstage. He looks furtively around before he pulls out a stack of business cards and rifles through them. He picks one up and we cut to it.
He pours a packet of sherbert onto it and folds it up before eating it.
Noel Edmonds (OS): BLOBBY! NO SPEEDBALLS WHEN YOU’RE AT XHF EVENTS!!
Edmonds rushes on-screen, as fast as an eighty-something former BBC television presenter can do so.
Noel Edmonds: Why are the cameras watching you? Is this meant to be some fan-cam footage or something?
Mr Blobby: BLOBBY?
Noel Edmonds: We’ve got lunch with Cornette this week! If he finds out we’re engaging in the same kind of contrived captured backstage footage as Big Bicep Tony? Well…you know what’s going to happen…don’t you?
A wave of fear washes over the pink and yellow bastard.
Noel Edmonds: That’s right, ten minutes in the penalty box with Stacey!
Mr Blobby: BLOB!
Noel Edmonds: You know the Synn, you’ve got to pay it. Just be glad she’s not Welsh.
Edmonds shudders at the idea of a Welsh woman.
Noel Edmonds: So, what’s the meaning of all this?
Mr Blobby: Blob…Blobby…Blob.
He points to the camera.
Mr Blobby: BLOBICUS!!!
A light-bulb appears above Edmonds’ head.
Noel Edmonds: Good thinking, Blobster. Not even a show under our belts and you’ve got the perfect platform.
Edmonds adjusts the gaudy Christmas-style jumper he is wearing and turns to the cameras.
Noel Edmonds: We’re here! That’s right, GUNS fans! The Crinkly Bottom Boys are here to tell you all that The GUNS may be tag-team champions now but soon, soon we’re going to take the belts just like we beat The Bang Bros for the XHF tag-team titles! When you ask? Not today, no not today. Maybe not next month either, Blobby gets busy around Christmas with Pantomime seasons but maybe January! Maybe January is when we come and take those titles and show you what a real tag-team is about!!!
During the tirade, Blobby has begun to pull at the pullover of Edmonds.
Noel Edmonds: What?
Mr Blobby: BLOBBICUS!
Noel Edmonds: That’s right! You’re not worthy, GUNS fans, of seeing us tonight. But fear not, we’re about to unleash the biggest tie-in on the XHF Network since A Very Shitstorm Christmas Match, Sponsored by Shitstorm 3: Santa's Been Naughty; the movie, based on the musical, based on the play, plagiarised from the novel, in collaboration with Super Sake Presents: Off the Wagon Pictures, in conjunction with the XHF Network, starring Steve Awesome, featuring Curtis Kanyon, Blobby, Noel Edmonds, and special appearance by Tom Cruise as the Dog. Oh hey this is for the XHF Tag Team Chanpionships too!
Mr Blobby: BLOB!
Noel Edmonds: Like he said, ROLL THE VT!!
The scene fades in from black.
David Attenborough: Welcome, GUNS fans. Welcome to a land before time…well, after Padfoot and Blue but definitely before your grandparents….welcome to the Forbidden Blobdom! … Shunned before by every documentary series and scientist but now rediscovered thanks to a tremendous cash injection in funding to me.
We see a picture of Mr Blobby.
David Attenborough: We often ask, what is a Blobby. We’re going to find out how they managed to not only survive amongst the Homo Sapiens, Homo Neanderthalensis and Homo Denisovan but actually THRIVE! Only on the Greatest Underrated Network Stars show! We’ll see how the race of Blobbys not only enhanced their own life but our own!
David Attenborough: Starting next month, we’ll be tracking it all from the start. Don’t miss out on Homo Blobbicus with me, Sir David Frederick Attenborough!
David Attenborough (to off-camera): Look, I won’t mention you forgot the Sir if you just reassure me I won’t have to record inside a bear…
We cut back to ringside to Magnus and Phillips. Magnus is filled with joy.
Magnus: A double dose of Blobby, what a great show.
Phillips: This is going to give me nightmares. Luckily one of our founders Venom is in the ring to cleanse our pallet. Any idea what’s going on Magnus?
Magnus: No one tells me anything.
In the ring Venom stands with a black bag tucked under his arm. He looks around at the crowd and pulls his mic up.
Venom: I scheduled this time out here for some special father and son time to welcome my blood back into the fold, but I haven’t seen him at all. I had this gift here.
Venom taps the bag under his arm, but then his attention darts to the crowd where there is some disruption. An audience member pushes forward and hops the rail. Security storms him, but then for some reason let him through and a young man wearing a pumpkin head slides into the ring.
Venom looks across the ring at the Pumpkin head and exclaims.
Venom: Take that stupid Pumpkin head off El.
Pumpkin head El Rey takes the pumpkin off his head reluctantly.
El Rey: Look pop, I was trying to be here on time, but somebody…
El Rey glares at the announcers table.
El Rey: …hired a stupid robot who wouldn’t let me in. I tried to get in for a long time and then I just bought a ticket. So when that shows up on your credit card statement you know why. Then I needEd a costume so I…
Venom: Stop. Stop before I change my mind about this.
El Rey quickly zips his lip while Venom shakes his head in frustration.
Venom: What I have here under my arm is motivation.
El Rey: Motivation?
Venom: Yes, motivation. Now that you’re back in GUNS, I want you to have a reason to be here. So I broke this old thing out of storage for you.
Venom pulls a shiny gold belt out of the black felt bag and it’s a version of the XHF Junior Heavyweight Championship, but “GUNS” has been written over the XHF logo.
El Rey: For me???
Venom: Not so fast. It’s for you, if you can earn it. This is my old XHF Championship I was presented to commemorate my XHF Junior Heavyweight Championship win. Now, though, it’s the official GUNS Junior Heavyweight Championship, and you can earn it if you are able to run the gauntlet.
El Rey: Gauntlet? Sounds stupid.
Venom: Well you have no choice, but don’t worry. This won’t be a traditional gauntlet, but a season long gauntlet, and it starts on episode 2 where you will go one-on-one with Christopher Velez!
El Rey reaches out to grab the title after the announcement, but Venom snatches it away.
Phillips: Wow, big news. We now have our own Junior Heavyweight Championship!
Magnus: Would’ve been nice to have known about that. Let’s cut to our favorite bear backstage from earlier.
We open Backstage to see Goldbear II roaming around, probably foraging for food. He sees a bucket of fish sitting in the middle of an empty room. He sniffs his as he enters, not noticing the giant bullseye crappies painted under the bucket. Goldbear II sauntered over to the bucket. Sniffs around and walks away. After a few seconds, some eyes open on the wall. Curtis Kanyon moves away from the wall, painted to look exactly like it!
Curtis: Damn, why didn't that work?
Magnus enters the room, dressed as Doctor Frankenstein.
Curtis: What's up doc?
Magnus: I thought I smelled Randy Angel, needed to talk to him… are you a wall?
Curtis: Not my official costume, this was to trick Goldbear II. I'm trying to corner him for a title shot.
Magnus: Two problems with your trick home slice. One, bears only eat live fish. Two, you need to be a bear to challenge for the title.
Curtis: That seems like discrimination?
Magnus: I didn’t make the rule. But if we got the Junior Heavyweight Title in the organization, we can have this too.
Curtis: Hmmm.
Magnus: Good luck trying to be a bear!
Magnus walks off.
Curtis: Well shit. I need to call my wife.
We cut back to ringside where Magnus is reading on his iPad and Phillips is flirting with a lovely lady dressed in a scantily clad cat costume. Magnus looks up shocked the camera is back.
Magnus: Uh. We now throw it backstage to Stella Starr, who is having a word with one of tonight’s title challengers!
The backstage area has a half dozen GUNS superstars are carving pumpkins. Along with being a festive reminder that this is the Halloween show, these will be used in the evening’s Jack-O-Lantern death match.
Stella Starr: Thanks Magnus, yes – as you can see a lot of GUNS are getting into the festive spirit carving pumpkins. These will act as the official tickets for them to gain entrance in tonight’s Jack-O-Lantern free for all.
Stella picks up a pumpkin with a smiley face.
Stella Starr: In the match, each participant will have their own personal jack-o-lantern...
She throws the pumpkin on the floor.
Stella Starr: And when it breaks – they are eliminated. Joining me now is Rival Recruiter Ozawa-
The obvious J-RoK headhunter is holding a pumpkin that looks like it has the dreams of a fisherman’s wife carved into his gourd.
Stella Starr: Good evening Ozawa, that certainly is graphic-
Rival Recruiter Ozawa: WOW! The Banker’s Daughter-
Ozawa is clearly a fan of the interview’s days wrestling for PLOW.
Stella Starr: Tell us, Ozawa – what do you think your chances are tonight challenging for the Phoenix?
Rival Recruiter Ozawa: Against a small child? Pretty good. But with all these other athletes? I’m just happy to watch. Which reminds me – if you ever get sick of this interview shtick, and want to get back to the ring... I know a company that would welcome the Banker’s Daughter...
Stella Starr: I’m quite happy here thanks.
Rival Recruiter Ozawa (hiding the J-RoK business card he was about to hand her, and smiling at the camera): Me too! Me too!
Harsh Winter Pilgrim, missing a pumpkin, walks through the shot – so the camera decides to follow him. As Pilgrim walks past them, Doug, Shoe Shine Syko, and East L.A. Wombat all hide their pumpkins like they don’t trust him. Pilgrim finally stops at the end of the hall with the title fight’s road agent.
Harsh Winter Pilgrim: Um, Mister Burton – I’ve misplaced my pumpkin.
Sam Burton: That’s the tenth pumpkin you’ve “misplaced” we all know you’re eating them!
Harsh Winter Pilgrim: It’s going to be so cold...
Further down the hall, Magnus has snuck away from the announce position long enough to hand some notes to his production assistant. Turning, Magnus is about to return out into the arena, when he’s stopped by a cowboy.
Bill Stokes: Given how much outside interference was in his match, Bones wants another shot at eating the young’un.
Magnus: Get bent-
Pushing past the cowboy, Magnus comes face to face with the much larger Dinosaur Bones.
Dinosaur Bones: ANY APE WILL DO-
Magnus: Ha, ha... Bones. I was just saying how unfortunate that match was. You were clearly robbed. Probably even had to go to bed hungry. Do you sleep? There’s a conundrum. You want another shot at the kid; we’ll put you in tonight’s Jack-O-Lantern match...
The camera pans from Magnus wormy ways, further up the hall where the Wombats are walking with their Bert & Ernie pumpkins.
Mrs. Wombat: They are letting Bones back in.
L.A. Wombat: Really? Well I guess it makes sense to have a GUNS wrestler beat him so we don’t lose face-
Mrs. Wombat: And what GUNS wrestler will that be?
L.A. Wombat: Um, well...
Mrs. Wombat: It’s a short list – and with Red injured, that list gets a lot shorter. Wombat- I want you to promise me...
L.A. Wombat: I can beat him-
Mrs. Wombat: Hon, I know YOU can. But they don’t think that way. The minute they get desperate, they are going to ask you to get possessed again-
L.A. Wombat: Demonic Venom could definitely take hi-
Mrs. Wombat: I want you to PROMISE ME, that no matter what – you won’t let that horrible Venom possess your body again. No exceptions.
Los Authentico looks over at the intimidating Bones, then the concern in his wife’s eyes.
L.A. Wombat: ...I promise.
She hugs him. Holding hands, the two continue down the hallways as the feed cuts back to the arena.
Phillips: You’re giving Dinosaur Bones a shot at the Phoenix in the Jack-O-Lantern Death Match?
Magnus: You lose the match when your pumpkin breaks. That colossal moron will probably eat his own. Goodbye CAR, can’t say we didn’t give you a chance. Now more from our top sponsor, Super Sake!
We open as a nearly Loonie Tunes-esq cartoon bubble takes over your screen! Soon the smiling faces of Randy Angel and Kris Quake pop up from the bottom.
Narrator: スーパーサケプレゼンツ：責任を持ってたくさん飲む！
[Super Sake Presents: Drink a lot responsibly!]
The scene quickly changes to a tired worker walking back home late in the evening. His back is arched as he can barely even stand from the exhausting hours Japanese workers put in (though oddly still less than Mexico or South Korea). Suddenly with a light poof of smoke he’s stopped by a giant bottle of Super Sake and a box….which presumably also has a bottle of Super Sake inside.
Randy: Hey there! Are you tired?
[やあ！ 疲れましたか？]
Quake: Worn out?
[使い古された？]
Randy: Borderline suicidal?
[境界線の自殺？]
Quake: Not even close to ripped enough for women to notice you?
[女性があなたに気付くのに十分なほど引き裂かれていませんか？]
Randy: Feeling ignored?
[無視されていると感じていますか？]
Quake: Feeling as though you’re lacking in b-vitamins?
[ビタミンBが不足しているように感じますか？]
Randy: What?
[なに？]
Quake: Sorry- I mean, “Feeling as though you’re lacking the element of cool around your peers?”
[申し訳ありませんが、「仲間の周りにクールな要素が欠けているように感じますか？」]
Worker: すみません、英語は話せません
[ I'm sorry, I can't speak English]
Randy: That’s ok, I can’t speak Japanese!
[大丈夫、日本語が話せません！]
He winks at the camera and with a friendly jingling sound suddenly we AWESOME RAINBOW EXPLOSION wipe to the inside of a restaurant. The three are sitting in a booth off to the side (not an easy feat considering Randy/Quake’s costumes) drinking what is clearly Super Sake brand sake.
Randy: So anyway, I told him: “You can’t spend the rest of your career under a mask, what are you gonna do, let history remember you as somebody else entirely and forget about the real you?”
[それでとにかく、私は彼に言いました：「あなたはマスクの下であなたのキャリアの残りを過ごすことはできません、あなたは何をするつもりですか、歴史にあなたを他の誰かとして完全に覚えさせて、本当のあなたを忘れさせますか？」]
Worker: 上司は、私が生産性を上げなければ、私の仕事を続けるために妻を脅迫して彼とセックスするつもりだと言いました。
[My boss said that if I didn't increase my productivity, he would threaten my wife to have sex with him in order to continue my work.]
Quake: Wow! This Super Sake brand Sake tastes delicious! I bet we could solve all of our problems through Super Sake brand Sake!
[うわー！ このスーパー酒ブランドの酒は美味しい！ スーパーサケブランドのサケですべての問題を解決できると思います！]
They all take a shot. The poor worker lightly sobs but Randy pats him on the back and laughs. Then Quake laughs. Finally the worker lets out a half-hearted laugh so as not to look like a jerk, peer pressure works real well in Asia. Randy winks at the camera again as a friendly jingle AWESOME RAINBOW wipes them to a karaoke bar. The man is up on stage crying through some serious emotions in this song while Randy and Quake talk.
Quake: So when in this do we get to talk about your upcoming inclusion in the THE GUNS SHOW?
[では、いつトーナメントに参加するかについて話し合うことができますか？]
Randy: You mean TONIGHT'S GUNS SHOW EXTRA WORDS TO MAKE SPACE that’ll feature some of your favorite stars of GUNS including Super Sake Presents: Randy Angel of Off the Wagon?
[3月20日に開催されるJ-ROKのマジカルミステリートーナメントでは、Super Sake Presents：Randy Angel of Off the Wagonなど、J-ROKのお気に入りのスターが登場します。]
Quake: Yes, that.
[はい、その。]
Randy: Well I suppose now is a goo-
[さて、今は良い時期だと思います]
He stops because our depressed worker has come off stage to blubber more with his new friends Bottle and Box of Super Sake brand Sake. Box of Super Sake brand Sake isn’t ready yet though.
Quake: HEY! NOBODY SAID YOU COULD FINISH! YOU GO BACK AND KEEP RUINING YOUR FAVORITE SONGS!
[HEY！ 誰もあなたが終えることができました言いませんでした！ あなたは戻ってあなたの好きな曲を台無しにし続けます！]
At first the man seems taken aback at the harshness of his tone- but suddenly Quake smiles and produces another shot of Super Sake brand Sake.
Quake: Haha, I mean, enjoy some of this Super Sake brand Sake! It’ll make you number one at karaoke!
[ははは、つまり、このスーパー酒ブランドの酒を楽しんでください！ カラオケでナンバーワンになります！]
They all laugh as the man takes another shot. The camera then zooms in on Randy’s face as he again winks/RAINBOW wipes us to another scene. Now we’re in what appears to be some incredibly shady bar.
Worker: 彼も怠惰な脅威を作っているとは思わない。 そういうことが起こる動画を見たことがあります。 私は妻が大好きです、なぜこれが私の人生でなければならないのですか？
[ I don't think he creates a lazy threat either. I've seen a video of that happening. I love my wife, why should this be my life?]
Randy: Well don’t you worry about me partner, most of those people in THE GUNS SHOW haven’t faced a guy like me.
[さて、あなたは私のパートナーについて心配しないでください、トーナメントのそれらの人々のほとんどは私のような男に直面していません。]
Worker: あなたは何について話していますか？
[What are you talking about?]
They all take a shot anyway.
Randy: That’s a good point man! I do have the power of Super Sake brand sake to power through!
[それは良い点です！ 私は、を介して電源にスーパー日本酒ブランドの酒の力を持っています！]
Quake: Super Sake brand sake can make you the life of the party AND the ring!
[スーパー酒ブランドの日本酒は、パーティーとリングの生活を送ることができます！]
Randy: Yes it can, as long as you do it responsibly!
[はい、責任を持って行う限り、可能です。]
Worker: 私は私の全体の家族を辱めています。
[ I'm humiliating my whole family.]
Quake: But you can’t be ashamed of the great taste of Super Sake brand sake!
[でも、スーパー酒ブランドの酒の美味しさは恥ずかしくない！]
Wait, did Quake understand him? They toast again and Randy winks to the camera as we BLARG RAINBOW VOMIT wipe to a bridge over a river!?
Randy: This place is boring and has nothing to do with my involvement in THE GUNS SHOW.
[この場所は退屈で、トーナメントへの私の関与とは何の関係もありません。]
Quake: Yeah man, you know what would make all of this a lot better?
[ええ、あなたはこれをもっと良くするために何ができるか知っていますか？]
Worker: 私が臆病者ではなく、実際にジャンプした場合はどうなりますか？
[What if I'm not a coward and I actually jump?]
Randy: That’s right! Super Sake brand sake! Making even hanging out on bridges at night suck a little less!
[そのとおり！ スーパー酒ブランド酒！ 夜に橋にぶらぶらすることさえ少しひどくしません！]
Quake turns around with a tray of Super Sake brand sake in shot glasses on a tray. They all take shots as Off the Wagon laughs over-enthusiastically. One last wink from Randy and a SPIRAL RAINBOW wipe takes us outside of door over-lit by a TON of neon lights. There’s some very suggestively clad women standing outside of it making kissy faces at passing people.
Worker: すみません、私の美しい妻。
[ I'm sorry, my beautiful wife.]
Quake: That’s right! Thank you Super Sake brand sake for making life better in every way!
[そのとおり！ あらゆる面で人生をより良くしてくれたSuperSakeブランドの日本酒に感謝します！]
Randy: Drink Super Sake a lot- responsibly!
[スーパー酒をたくさん飲む-責任を持って！]
*lWe then cut to a green screen of GIANT Randy Angel and Kris Quake in their costumes in heroic poses as they tower above a cartoon city and airplanes fly past them, dwarfed by their massive size.
Narrator: 頑張ってランディエンジェル！ そして、スーパーサケの力があなたに大きな勝利をもたらしますように！ 責任を持ってたくさん飲んでください！
[Good luck Randy Angel! And may the power of Super Sake bring you great victory! Drink a lot responsibly!]
We fade out on this television spot, and cut to a previously recorded scene from last nights End of Days final.
We find Steve Awesome, after his hellacious Greenhouse match against Zoran, sans the XCrown Championship.
Steve Awesome: Zoran you son of a bitch! I thought I was done with you, but now I see we are destined to fight forever!
He glares into the camera.
Steve Awesome: Trust me when I say that I will be back for my title. You may have won tonight but that just makes the score….”
Steve puts up two fingers.
Steve Awesome: “Two to…”
He flips his hand around and leaves up the middle finger.
Steve Awesome: “one.”
He flashes that classic smirk and nods.
Steve Awesome: And at oh say Supremacy…
Crowd pop for a possible date.
Steve Awesome:….I’m gonna make it Three to One.
And angry Steve walks off and we fade out.
Then fade in on a dejected Los Bang! Hermanos walking through the backstage area after End of Days.
Curtis Kanyon: Top of the Class? More like Bottom of the Ass! Am I right?
El Combatiente: Si, pero nos derrotaron en combate.(Yes, but they did defeat us in combat.)
Curtis Kanyon: Now is not the time for your logic EC. I just really wanted to shove DT’s hat down his throat and stomp Mistresses glasses! I wanted to bring the XHF tag team titles back to the Bang Bros! I wanted to show what unity could do.”
El Combatiente:“No te preocupes, Curtis. Este no es el final de los días para nosotros. Es posible que hayamos perdido esta noche, pero aún nos quedan muchos puntos para cobrar y desafiar nuevamente. Les mostraremos que no fallamos dos veces” “(Don’t worry Curtis. This is not the end of days for us. We may have lost tonight but we still have plenty of points left to cash in and challenge again. We will show them we don’t miss twice.”)
EC puts a fist in the air. Kanyon nods and bumps the fist back.
Curtis Kanyon: That’s right! We never used any of our global tag team points. That means we can cash in for a shot whenever we want it. That’s perfect. See Top of the Class, they just barely got the win. But the next time they aren’t going to be so lucky! Top of the Class have not seen the last of Bang HERMANOS!”
Kanyon and EC walk away from the camera and it fades.
And we fade back in on Spike Kane, the God of Xtreme, a straight up legend in this business, standing in catering, with no match on the card, checking out the different types of pizza they had for everyone.
Spike lifts up the top to one of the boxes and gives it a whiff.
Spike Kane: Mmm!
He yells off screen.
Spike Kane: Hey Price! This one has bacon!
Spike grabs a slice and turns around to see Kanyon and EC walk in. And you can feel the Awkward tension fill up the room.
Curtis Kanyon: Oh…uhhh hey Spike. I didn’t know you were here.
Spike Kane: Well you know, I was in the tournament. I mean, the food is free. Shut up.
Spike rips a bite out of the pizza. Just then Steve Awesome comes waltzing in but suddenly stops when he notices Kanyon, EC and Spike standing there in there Awkward moment and it gets Awkward and uncomfortable for him as well.
Steve Awesome: Oh. I didn’t realize anyone was in here… maybe I’ll just go…
Steve starts to leave. EC looks around the room and shakes his head.
El Combatiente: Steve. Wait.
Steve stopped before he left the room and turned back to face EC.
El Combatiente: ¿No puedes ver? ¿Ninguno de nosotros puede ver? Míranos. Hay algo seriamente mal con esta imagen, mis amigos. ¿Esto es Bang Bros o es el club de los grandes perdedores? Steve perdió la XCrown esta noche. Curtis y yo, nos quedamos cortos en ganar los títulos de parejas de XHF. Spike ni siquiera aparecía en la cartelera. ¡No somos tan fuertes como éramos antes de dejar que esta tensión y estos problemas se interpongan entre nosotros y debemos resolver esto para poder volver a donde estábamos antes!
(“Can’t you see? Can’t any of us see? Look at us. There is something seriously wrong with this picture, my friends. Is this the Bang Bros or is the big fat losers club? Steve lost the XCrown tonight. Curtis and I, we came up short on winning the XHF Tag Team Titles. Spike wasn’t even featured on the card. We aren’t as strong as we were before we let this tension and these problems come between us and we need to figure this out so we can get back to where we were before!)
Kanyon nods his head as the wise words from his sage like partner set in. Spike slowly chewed his pizza as he thought things over and then nodded.
Steve Awesome: I have no idea what he just said….”
Curtis stepped forward.
Curtis Kanyon: “He said, The Bang Bros have a problem.”
Steve didn’t try to argue.
Curtis Kanyon: So what are we going to do about it?
Everyone looked at each other but it didn’t seem like anyone had an answer.
Phillips: Fans, those of you who watched REIGN’s Cruising for Gold saw the GUNS Regular Army put up a valiant effort defending our federation’s good name against the hated CAR enthusiasts in Bad to the Bone racing. Unfortunately they fell short when a mysterious man in a Charbroiled mask interfered-
Magnus: That run-in had nothing to do with us losing-
Phillips: As a result of the interference, MISTER GUNS himself, Redmond Fury fell prey to The Dread Lord Dinosaur Bones. He was eviscerated, and thrown into the ocean-
Magnus: A crying shame.
Phillips: As a result of the injuries Fury suffered, he is unable to participate in tonight’s Jack-O-Lantern Death Match. We have, however, sent cub reporter Stella Starr out to his stately Atlanta mansion-
Magnus: *grumble*
Phillips: -that he got in the divorce from Magnus... to interview Fury.
Magnus: Let’s get this over with-
Phillips: Over to you Stella!
Exterior shot. A multimillion-dollar estate that used to belong to Magnus, before he thought it would be funny to trick people into marrying him... then leave one of them for dead inside a bear. A dissolve takes viewers into the living room, where Redmond Fury recuperates by a roaring fireplace.
Stella Starr: Thanks Tom – Redmond, all of GUNS nation was distraught at your treatment by Dinosaur Bones. How are you holding up?
Redmond Fury: Hello Stella, thank you for coming. GUNS Nation, I am sorry I can’t be there with you tonight – doctor’s orders, but I’ll be back in no time, you can’t keep a Buckeye Brawler down!
Stella Starr: I think we were all shocked by the extremes that Bones went to-
Redmond Fury: I wish I could say I was. For over a year, Bones has tried to have my number – and repeatedly failed. He can’t get it done in the ring, so the obvious solution was to drop me off a cruise ship. Nice try Bones, but even with the power of the ocean, you’re only delaying the inevitable. With all the healing power that GUNS Nation is feeding me, I’ll be back on my feet in no time- and when I do? That Phoenix championship is coming back to GUNS where it belongs-
Stella Starr: Actually Tinto beat Bones for the title.
Redmond Fury: He did? Good for him! Tinto is a lot sassier than his weight would indicate.
Stella Starr: ...But he’s with CAR, so the title is still being held by an outsider.
Redmond Fury: Well, if he beat Bones then Tinto is no joke- but I feel comfortable that Ken, L.A., or even Doug can win the championship from him before I get back, and I’ll be cheering for them.
Stella Starr: And what of the masked man that attacked you-
Redmond Fury: As we speak, I’ve hired wrestling detective Harrington Heart to uncover the identity of that cowardly fiend-
DING DONG!
Redmond Fury: We would have this interview on Halloween, excuse me-
With a great deal of effort, Fury rises from his chair- grabbing a bowl of candy; he limps over to the door. Opening it to a witch, three Harley Quinns and a Babe Ruth.
Kids: Trick or treat!
Redmond Fury: What great costumes. (throwing candy in bags) So scary, there you go kids! Happy Halloween!
Fury closes the door.
Redmond Fury: With Heart on the trail – we’ll know who that horrible villain was in no time-
DING DONG!
Redmond Fury: Excuse me-
Fury opens the door again.
Redmond Fury: What great costum-
A straight right hook knocks Fury back into a coatrack. As Colossus Rhodes enters dressed as Frankenstein, while the Charbroiled Masque is decked out in a Phantom of the Opera costume.
HOUSE DEATH MATCH
Redmond Fury vs. Colossus Rhodes & Charbroiled Masque
Stella Starr: Now hang on one minute-
Rhodes shoves the interviewer into the living room, where a couch breaks her fall, before falling over. Behind him, Fury puts the big man in a waist lock – trying to pull the brute away from the interviewer, only to leave himself open Masque who breaks a chair across the Buckeye Bruiser’s back.
Colossus Rhodes: NICE ABODE. IT IS LITTLE WONDER MAGNUS WAS SO DISTRESSED OVER ITS LOSS-
A straight right sends Fury crashing into the bar. Charbroiled smashes a whisky bottle over Fury’s head, before throwing him over the counter. Popping up behind the counter, Redmond Fury whips a Sapporo at the Masked man’s head. Charbroiled ducks, letting it break a mirror behind him. Fury fires another at Rhodes, who isn’t as lucky – getting nailed in his missing eye. Roaring, Rhodes charges forward – ignoring the dozen cans that are definitely bruising him up, to grab Fury by the throat – and slam him through the bar. Not letting go, Rhodes tosses him at Masque – who in turn SPEARS Fury’s bruised ribs, running him right into the camera.
*Signal Lost*
After a near minute of black, the feed cuts back to the arena.
Magnus: Fury attacked in MY home? I’d bust out my world’s smallest violin, but I lost that in the divorce too.
Phillips: How dare they attack Fury at home! But on the Brightside, you’re in the clear-
Magnus: What?
Phillips: Since you’re here, you can’t be charbroiled masque!
Magnus: Wait, you thought I cost the GUNS that REIGN match?
Phillips: I mean, Magnus, we all did...
The camera cuts to the ring where a dozen wrestlers have already assembled for the multi-man Jack-O-Lantern Death match. More bodies make their way in a procession up the aisle, showing off their pumpkin creations to the fans. An unpaid intern dressed as The Mummy acts as an announcer.
The Mummy: The Following contest is a Jack-O-Lantern match for the XHF Phoenix title!
Phillips: We will try to get an update on the Fury assault fans; if there is any way to reconnect the signal we’ll get it. Meanwhile the ring is getting filled up for what should prove to be a chaotic contest.
Magnus: Tinto the CAR Orphan somehow managed to beat Dinosaur Bones for MY Phoenix championship. From CAR to CAR, well tonight I can promise the belt returns to a GUNS star – as Tinto puts the title on the line against dozens, in a Jack-O-Lantern death match. I don't have to trust them to pin him, just break his damn pumpkin.
The last of the cavalcade to climb into the ring is the massive frame of Dinosaur Bones, who carries a pumpkin with a 6 pack of chicken McNuggets carved into it. As the beast finally enters the ring, the lights dim.
The Mummy: Ladies and gentlemen, yesterday Tinto was slaughtered in a bar fight that GUNS has declared too graphic for airing. The murderer, and new champion, was birthed at an ICP concert taking place within an insane asylum. Please welcome MISTER RIP N. TERROR!!!!
“Dragula” by Rob Zombie blares as the lights go out. A power wheels version of the Munster’s car, coated in blacklight paint, races down the ramp. Tinto steps out in an exact replica of The Fiend costume except that his mask is of the Cyberdemon. Tinto raises a lantern shaped like the Doom Slayer helmet and headbangs his way into the ring.
Phillips: Tinto has gotten a new look, and the crowd is eating it up!
Magnus: Sellouts!
Phillips: After helping Tinto win the Phoenix title from Dinosaur Bones, Hardkore World Champion and CAR enthusiast, Marty Donovan has spent the last day trying to teach the child everything he needs to know to successfully retain. Then realizing it might be hard work, instead concocted this gimmick change to intimidate the other participants.
Magnus: It should be noted that I am not recognizing Marty Donovan’s inane backstory title change, and the records will show that Tinto is still the champ. I’m not having THREE CAR title reigns.
Phillips: I think Marty might be onto something, a number of the wrestlers looking uncomfortable to be there with Mister Rip N. Terror-
Magnus: The kid looks like he has rabies – you’d be scared too.
Phillips: A lot of great pumpkin carvings, I almost feel bad for what is about to go down-
XHF PHOENIX CHAMPIONSHIP
JACK-O-LANTERN DEATH MATCH
TINTO the Orphan (c) vs. DAMN NEAR EVERYBODY
DING! DING! DING!
XHF Shockmaster: Whooooops.
The second the bell rings, Shockmaster falls forwards. Despite the limited space in the ring most of the athletes are able to scramble out of the big man’s way. Trying to catch his balance, Shockmaster reaches out – and accidentally smacks the Doom Slayer Helmet pumpkin out of Tinto’s hands... where it shatters against the canvas.
The Mummy: Mister Rip N.Terror has been eliminated!
A hush falls over the crowd.
Magnus: HE DID IT!
Phillips: I had to see it to believe it-
Magnus: With Tinto eliminated, no matter who wins this match, the belt is coming home-
Phillips: You mean-
Magnus: XHF Shockmaster is the HERO of GUNS!
The audience start chanting “XHF Shockmaster.” Yes, the XHF part is a little awkward, but it's the only thing differentiating him from the other Shockmaster.
Mister Rip N. Terror: No fair, you cheated!
Having a temper tantrum, Tinto starts to ineffectively kick away at XHF Shockmaster’s shin. Ignoring the brat, Shockmaster turns to his mortal enemy Unboxed Ken and tries to bat the gourd out of his hands with an overhand chop. After the initial confusion of a Shockmaster chant dies down, the rest of the wrestlers get into the brawl – each trying to be very protective while getting their shots in.
MEANWHILE IN THE HOUSE THAT MAGNUS AND FURY HOPED TO BUILD A LIFE TOGETHER IN...
The footage returns to Fury’s Mansion, formerly Casa de Magnus, just as Redmond throws Charbroiled Masque through the glass sliding door of a shower. Trying to break his fall – the mystery man grabs the shower handle – only to tear the pipes through the wall. As water spray both of them, Fury leans into the bathtub and starts stomping a hole in his masked antagonist. This assault is a momentary reprieve, as Rhodes catches Fury in the back of the neck with a forearm smash, then body slams him into the toilet. Porcelain shatters, and more broken pipe fixtures are exposed with water blasting in every direction – including the camera, which breaks the signal.
MEANWHILE IN THE ARENA THAT TORE THEIR RELATIONSHIP APART...
The Mummy: Bath Salts Snorting Face Chewer has been eliminated!
Phillips: Officials escorting the Face Chewer out of the ring – fortunately no one lost a nose to the beast.
Magnus: Harsh Winter Pilgrim tries to chow down on Ring Crew Doug’s pumpkin, but instead eats a closeline courtesy of East L.A. Wombat.
Dinosaur Bones manages to keep his pumpkin grasped in his tiny t-rex arms, which still makes it higher than anyone else can reach. While guarding it, he attempts to step on Los Authentico – chasing the future XHF Hall of Famer around the ring. Mrs. Wombat is far more aggressive, with her pumpkin strapped to her back in a baby harness, freeing her arms up to forearm smash the hell out of anyone stupid enough to get in her way. The most intense brawl remains between Unboxed Ken and the now popular XHF Shockmaster, who is still being followed around by a livid Tinto. While all this action is going down, Rival Recruiter Ozawa is making notes on what talent to steal for J-RoK. He is so busy jotting things down, that he doesn’t see the hungry eyes of a pilgrim who is expecting difficult weather conditions.
The Mummy: Rival Recruiter Ozawa has been eliminated!
While Harsh Winter Pilgrim is distracted with a mouthful of fisherman’s wife dreams – the design on the lantern – Ring Crew Doug tries to take advantage. He clearly underestimates Pilgrim’s gluttony.
The Mummy: Doug – from the ring crew – has been eliminated!
Pilgrim’s hands are so full of half eaten pumpkins, he couldn’t possibly defend his own Mayflower – the design – from an attack. ATV Bandit tries to drive over Pilgrim’s pumpkin, only to have his eaten as well. The design was of a scary ATV for anyone wondering about the lantern.
The Mummy: ATV Bandit has been eliminated!
Pilgrim is so engrossed it eating like a pig, he even eats his own pumpkin.
The Mummy: Harsh Winter Pilgrim has been eliminated!
The Pilgrim looks confused by this, so Mrs. Wombat helps him out of the ring with a STIFF Kawada kick to the face.
Phillips: Man that Pilgrim can really put them away.
Magnus: Should be in a tag team with Bones...
Phillips: Someone call the Sakura Tag League.
MEANWHILE IN THE HOUSE THAT IS NO LONGER A HOME...
The footage returns to the mansion just as Redmond Fury kicks Colossus Rhodes down a staircase – the larger brute manages to take out most of the stairs in his fall. Fury seems to be back in control, until Charbroiled Masque catches him a shouldertackle that sends both men downstairs – leaving a dent in the wall before taking out a load bearing pillar. Both intruders pick Fury up with a double snap suplex through a door into a study.
SPLIT SCREEN. HOUSE FIGHT on the right, and LANTERN ARENA on the left.
Phillips: Our television producer has managed to set up a split screen so we can watch Fury fight for his life, while giving this title match the proper respect.
Magnus: I don’t mind us just showing the Fury ass kicking. It looks good on him, and without a broadcast we can just tell people that Nelly won the Phoenix title.
The Mummy: East L.A. Wombat has been eliminated-
Phillips: I was so busy watching Fury get thrown through his kitchen; I missed who eliminated East L.A.
Magnus: Mrs. Wombat – she is on fire!
Phillips: And his lantern design?
Magnus: Cheech Marin.
Phillips: Nice.
The Mummy: Troy “Day Parole” King has been eliminated!
Magnus: He made the mistake of getting between Unboxed Ken and the Hero of GUNS Shockmaster’s slobber knocker. With those mastodons are going at it – going near them is an invitation to get pulped.
Phillips: Hasn’t stopped Tinto-
Magnus: It would look good on him.
Phillips: Well there are only so many places in the ring a person can avoid, and Los Authentico is using most of them to dance circles away from Dinosaur Bones.
The Mummy: Johnny Cobb has been eliminated!
No sooner has the Shoe Shine Syko dropkicked the pumpkin out of Johnny Cobb’s hands, than Mrs. Wombat leapfrogs over the part time curler to axe kick TripleS’s footwear themed jack-o-lantern to the floor.
The Mummy: The Shoe Shine Syko has been eliminated!
Redmond Fury is physically thrown through his front window. Brushing the glass off, Redmond rolls up his sleeves and staggers back over. Slowly stepping back into the house. A few moments later, Colossus Rhodes is thrown through the front door. The hole where the doorframe used to be shows Fury and Charbroiled trading punches in the now burning foyer.
Magnus: Bones sure does seem intent on eating Wombat-
Phillips: Well, the two of them were both inside a bear – I can only imagine that Bones sees Los Authentico as the meal that got away.
Magnus: Allegedly in a bear!
Spring boarding off the ropes, L.A. Wombat tries to hit a flying wristlock, but Bones pulls his pumpkin away and answers with a brutal tail strike that knocks Wombat clear over the top rope – seven rows into the audience. He lands on his pumpkin.
The Mummy: Los Authentico Wombat has been eliminated!
Over in the now dilapidated mansion, a figure in a trenchcoat sneaks up behind Charbroiled Masque. Harrington Heart reaches up- yanking the mask off the phantoms face!
Harrington Heart: That just saved me four days of sleuthing...
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
Phillips: WAIT, that doesn’t make sense- the person who cost GUNS their match against CAR in REIGN was-
BEEF punches the detective out.
Magnus: Other than XHF Shockmaster, the closest thing to a HERO that GUNS has- BEEEEEEEF!
Phillips: Magnus, what did you do?
Magnus: Why are you blaming me? Maybe BEEF just didn’t want to see GUNS closed because of a nasty divorce...
Redmond Fury tries to pull BEEF into the Buckeye Buster – but Colossus Rhodes brings a cabinet down across his back. Reaching down BEEF picks Fury up for a powerbomb, then repeats it, again, and again, the force of the body builder hitting the ground is enough to knock the rest of the furniture over. Finally, BEEF holds onto the cover as Colossus counts a pin.
ONE!
TWO!
THREE!
Colossus Rhodes: CALL IT.
Stella Starr (looking hurt but wanting the beating to end): The winner of this “match,” Colossus Rhodes and BEEF.
The monsters continue to pound Fury and destroy the house.
The Mummy: The Vanilla Lover has been eliminated.
Phillips: I don’t know what to say, I’m sure all the audience is speechless over BEEF.
Magnus: Then focus on the battle royale! Mrs. Wombat on fire with her sixth elimination- even as her husband continues to collect his bearings out on the floor.
Without Los Authenico to distract him, Dinosaur Bones looks at Unboxed Ken and XHF Shockmaster – too more escaped Bear entrees. If the skeleton had lips, he would sneer, but instead answers them with a vicious tail swipe! The two men are knocked over the top rope, landing on the floor. Fortunately their jack-o-lanterns survive the fall; unfortunately Tinto falls on both of them – smashing their lanterns.
The Mummy: XHF Shockmaster and Unboxed Ken have been eliminated-
The bodies finally clear, the canvas is covered in pumpkin seeds and broken candles. Los Authentico Wombat comes too to find his wife facing Dinosaur Bones by herself. The Ernie pumpkin is strapped to her back. Realizing there is only one thing to do, Los Authentico starts to summon the unholy spirit of Venom-
Phillips: L.A. has been eliminated but he won’t let his wife take on Bones by herself-
Magnus: I smell the Demonic breathe of Venom coming on-
Before Wombat can transform, he locks eyes with Mrs. Wombat. She makes a small gesture with her hand, telling him to stop. The two stare at each other in a sad understanding...
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !!
Los Authentico Wombat: NO!
Phillips: JESUS CHRIST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Magnus: NOOOOOoooooooooooo!!!
Dinosaur Bones swallows Mrs. Wombat whole.
DING! DING! DING!
The Mummy doesn’t know how to react. The crowd are stunned.
Phillips: HE ATE HER.
Magnus: I bet people are going to blame me for fucking CAR having the Phoenix title again.
Phillips: Well there was no reason to let Bones into this match.
Magnus: You see!
Enraged, Los Authentico Wombat charges towards the ring – desperate to rip his wife from the beasts’ belly. A dozen security guards get in the way, stopping him from committing suicide.
The Mummy: The winner of this match... and NEW XHF Phoenix champion, DINOSAUR BONES!
The crowd start throwing trash at the ring, which Bones happily eats. Wombat looks ready to be sedated, as he hysterically tries to claw towards the dracolich.
Magnus: Why blame me for this? Why not Zoran? He saved that Tinto kid once, where is he?
Phillips: Well you said you’d fire him.
Magnus: If he didn’t win the X*Crown.
Phillips: Yes, and he did.
Magnus: So why isn’t he here?
Phillips: Maybe he didn’t like your plan to fire him.
Magnus: ...damn. Why do bad things only happen to me?
The split screen turns back to a full screen of the now destroyed mansion, where BEEF and Colossus Rhodes continue to kick away at Fury.
“ROOOOOOOOAR”
The two men look up – then are chased off by a giant grizzly bear.
UrsusLa: ROOOOOOOOOOOOOAR!
As the villains disappear, UrsusLa looks down at Fury. The Buckeye Bruiser can barely move, but manages to roll onto one side.
Redmond Fury: Thanks Urs...
The bear turns to leave.
Redmond Fury: At Night of Champions... I doubted you... and even if it was only a little bit... I want you to know how sorry I was...
Rather than acknowledge Fury’s apology, the bear stalks off, leaving him in a bloody puddle.
Redmond Fury: ...ursusla...
The Buckeye Bruiser passes out.
The End
