Figuring Out The Future - Part Two (Copycat/Supremacy) [#3]
Jan 22, 2023 1:49:25 GMT -5
Mongo the Destroyer, bloodiedfox, and 2 more like this
Post by ForeverKuroi on Jan 22, 2023 1:49:25 GMT -5
The scene fades to a very nice, higher middle class one-family house that Terry Bradshaw and Copycat are standing in front of. Terry Bradshaw overly-conspicuously wipes his feet on the mat.
Bradshaw:Stand back, Copycat. I don’t want you to get hurt.
Copycat: Wait, Mr. Bradshaw, what are you doing? MR. BRADSHAW, NO!
And BAM! Terry Bradshaw KICKS DOWN THE DOOR! Or rather, that’s what he was hoping would happen. Instead of actually knocking down the door, he just makes a very loud sound.
Copycat: Mr. Bradshaw, why can’t you just knock on the door like a normal person?
Bradshaw: Because I’m making a scene, Copycat.
Copycat: Well why can’t you just take a deep breath and count to ten or something?
Bradshaw: Copycat, please! Stand back, I say!
Copycat: Mr. Bradshaw, please just-OH MY GOD!
Copycat screams as he sees what Terry Bradshaw pulls out of his pocket.
The camera changes to the inside of the house where the recipient of Copycat’s unrequited friendship, Larry, gets up from the couch wearing a t–shirt and pajama bottoms. He rests his hand alongside the back of his head.
Larry: Good grief, my head is just pounding. I think when I start to feel better, I’m just going to go up to that weird Copycat fellow and tell him off for good. I hate to be that guy, but he is just making my life horrible. I swear. I cannot think of anything worse than dealing with Copycat for another momen-
Larry is cut off as he hears a GUNSHOT. Larry instinctively falls to the floor and covers his head with his arms.
Larry: WHAT THE HECK IS THAT!?
And with another loud BANG, Terry Bradshaw kicks down the door and rushes in. Copycat nervously follows him. Larry gets up and peeks from around the corner.
Larry: This is PRIVATE PROPERTY. Leave now or I will call the police!
Bradshaw: There’s that stupid son of a bitch! Don’t think I don’t know what you did!
Larry: What the heck are you talking about?
Copycat: Yes, Mr. Bradshaw. What the heck are you talking about?
Bradshaw: Copycat left me… FOR YOU! You think that you can do for him what I can’t!?
Larry: …What?
Copycat: Mr. Bradshaw, you’ve tortured and abused me for years and years! Larry was there for me! He treats me right! Just the other week, he bought me dinner!
Terry Bradshaw’s jaw drops. His eyes peel open as he stares a hole through Larry.
Bradshaw: You WHAT!?
Larry: I ate dinner and threw the food out. I then took the garbage out later that night. I later found Copycat scavenging around through my trash and eating what I didn’t.
Copycat smiles off into the distance.
Copycat: Red wine-braised short ribs atop a fluffy bed of buttery mashed potatoes. How’d he know I’d love that so much?
Bradshaw: I want you to know something and I want you to listen well BUCKO. Copycat is my friend and I don’t want you to be hanging around him any longer!
Larry: That’s fine! Take your annoying friend and tell him to get out of my life! You can start by getting the hell out of my house! The whole reason why I came here was because the guy just won’t shut up! He keeps going on and on and on! I don’t know what he told you but I’m NOT his friend! He’s more likely to win the X*Crown Championship than he is at getting me to be his friend at all!
Bradshaw: Don’t think you can get out of this with sweet talk! I’m still pissed off!
Copycat: Wait, wait. Hold on a sec. Did you say that you think I can win this match at Supremacy?
Larry stares at Copycat incredulously.
Larry: …What!? Is that what you got out of that outburst?
Copycat: Because Raiden basically said I wasn’t a good wrestler and it had be anyone else on my team, I would have lost a long time ago!
Terry Bradshaw calls out from the bathroom.
Bradshaw: And that Steve Awesome isn't even taking the time to properly respond to you! He's just tossing you aside like you're some unimportant piece of Copycat!
Larry: Can we not… Are we… Are you really trying to discuss the merits of your match at Battle of Hegemony after you two have broken into my house and while you two are still in here without authorization?
Copycat: But Mr. Bradshaw told me earlier that I did the right thing. Because you know, we have this fight or flight response but all these wrestlers choose to fight when sometimes taking flight is the correct response. He said that my sense of decision-making was a lot more advanced than that of my teammates.
Bradshaw: You are correct, Copycat. That's exactly what you should have done.
Copycat: And he sounds like he’s awfully mad at me and that he wants to unleash his pent up frustration at me in this Kitchen Kaos match-OH MY GOD. I AM STARRRRRRVING. Is there anything good in the kitchen?
Larry: Get out now!
But Copycat and Bradshaw didn’t pay attention to Larry. They’ve already turned down the corridor and started opening doors.
Bradshaw: I think the kitchen is in this room, Copycat!
Copycat: Are you sure?
Larry: That’s not the kitchen! That’s the bathroom!
Bradshaw: Oh, that’s alright. I’ll be in here anyways. My coffee is just running through my stomach right now and I need to take a huge Raiden Shitimori.
As Copycat proceeds to the kitchen, Larry follows Terry Bradshaw into the bathroom.
Larry: No, I’m being serious. You need to leave right- WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?
In the middle of Larry’s sentence, Terry Bradshaw pulls his pants down (the camera view of Bradshaw’s genitals being obstructed by Larry’s shoulder.). Larry manages to leave the room and close the door before the sounds of plops hitting water start taking over all too much. As he heads into the kitchen, he finds half the cabinets open and all different sort of small appliances cluttering the countertops and floors.
Larry: Get Bradshaw out of my bathroom right now! He’s taking a shi- …He’s taking a poop!
Copycat: Oh, Mr. Bradshaw? Yeah, he does that. He likes to take three solid poops a day. It largely stems from the large number of LGBT sandwiches he eats in a day. What do you think that stands for? I'm thinking Lettuce, Guacamole, Bacon, and Tomato. Anyways, hey. I’m having this WEEEEIIIRRRDDD craving for tuna fish and peanut butter. Look, I know it’s weird, but I’m TOOOOOOTALLLLYYYY jonesing right now. Do you know where I can find that?
Larry: …I’m calling the police right now.
As he says that, Larry reaches into his pocket, trying to pull out his phone.
Copycat: Oooh, don’t do that, best buddy! At least let me get that sandwich first! I know. I feel like a total pig right now, but maybe it’s a body dysmorphia kind of thing. I know Raiden called me scrawny so I guess maybe it’s not as bad as I originally thought!
Larry pulls out his phone and starts pressing buttons, but he’s getting increasingly frustrated.
Larry: Oh, you’ve got to be KIDDING me!
Copycat: What’s wrong, bestest buddy in the world?
Larry: Well, I’ve got a clinically INSANE geriatric guy taking a DUMP in my bathroom and I’ve got someone who couldn’t ever take a HINT and LEAVE ME ALONE! And when I want to call the police, suddenly my phone decides that it doesn’t want to work, and that instead, it wants to be charged!
Copycat: Oh, is that it? Well why didn’t you just say so, bestest buddy in the entire world!? I’ll tell you what. I’ll go charge your phone for you and you go make me the tuna fish sandwich with extra peanut butter! How ‘bout that?
Bradshaw: Hey, asshole. The toilet won’t flush.
Larry runs his hands through his hair and grasps clumps of it. He’s ready to rip his hair off.
Larry: It’s RIGHT next to the toilet!
Bradshaw: It’s WHERE?
Larry walks with Terry Bradshaw to the bathroom.
Larry: It’s right over HERE-
That’s when Terry Bradshaw actually kicks Larry into the bathroom. Bradshaw closes the door and finds a nearby chair to keep it closed. Larry begins furiously trying to open the door, but the door stops it. Larry’s yelling through the door.
Larry: LET ME OUT OF HERE! IT STINKS SO BAD!
Bradshaw: That’s because a big huge RAIDEN SHITIMORI!
Copycat: Mr. Bradshaw, it wasn’t really funny the first time. It’s definitely not funny now.
Bradshaw: Oh… What if I said I took a Queef Awesome?
Copycat: That just doesn’t make any sense. You just took a-
Bradshaw: ANNNYYYYWAAAYYYYS, Let’s talk about our match.
Copycat: But I’m hungry!
Bradshaw: And now’s the perfect time to do it! This is practice!
Copycat: Huh?
Bradshaw: This is a Kitchen KHAOS match! You have all these items at your disposal! If you want to be the X*Crown Champion, you need to PROVE it to me! Now pick up that frying pan and FORCE YOUR WAY INTO MY FRIDGE!
Copycat closes his eyes as he grasps the frying pan. He audibly gulps with a swallow.
Bradshaw: Remember, visualize being the champion I know you are. Visualize being the champion YOU know you are.
Copycat rapidly breathes to the point of hyperventilation before charging forward.
Copycat: AHHHHH!!!
As the two collide with one another, the camera switches inside of the bathroom where Larry is trapped. He’s given up on trying to break out, both because of the exhaustion and because of the noxious fumes coming from the censored and pixelated brown sticking out from the toilet. He slumps down toward the floor.
Larry: Why is this HAPPENING to me!? I just hope things aren’t going to get any wors-
He’s interrupted as the sound of metal smashing is heard. Missing context, he can still hear a lot of what Terry Bradshaw and Copycat are saying to one another.
Bradshaw: Oh, Copycat. You really rammed me hard with that one!
Copycat: Well I had to get you after you tried to shove that big rod of meat up my rear!
Bradshaw: Well if you think you’re out of the deep end, think again! I’m going to have to tie you to the radiator in the basement and hold you there for decades against your will!
Copycat: Oh wow, Mr. Bradshaw. That’s actually very far…
Bradshaw: Oh yeah, baby! Big Bad Bradshaw is going to go very far with you! Let’s do this!
Upon hearing this suggestive dialogue, Larry gets a renowned sense of urgency and searches around the room for a way out. There, he finds the sole window in the room. He opens it and starts finagling his way outside.
The camera switches back to the kitchen, where Copycat and Bradshaw are sweaty and tired, albeit still wearing clothes. Copycat is eating a sandwich, and Terry Bradshaw is eyeing something in the far corner. He’s drawing something.
Copycat: That was great, Mr. Bradshaw. I feel like I’m a lot more prepared for this match!
Bradshaw: That’s what I do, my dear Copycat. Do they even have food in this Kitchen Khaos match, though? Or is it just kitchen appliances and whatnot?
Copycat: I don’t know. I sure hope so! What if I get hungry in the middle of the match? Maybe I can bring some food and leave it with one of the commentators, just in case.
Bradshaw: The drunk guy? He might try to eat it.
Copycat: Alright. What about Hawke?
Bradshaw: Hawk does indeed sound like a delicious meal. That’s the one food Randy Angel wouldn’t eat. That’s the symbol of America, you know.
Copycat: I’m Canadian, so I wouldn’t know.
The front door opens and Larry busts inside. He indignantly storms into the kitchen.
Larry: This kitchen looks like a pigsty! This whole house looks like a mess!
Bradshaw: Yeah, you should probably clean it up. You have guests over, you know.
Larry: Well these GUESTS are going to be evicted soon! I should have you know that I asked for my neighbor to call the police and that they will be over VERY soon! And then after that-
Bradshaw: And then what, HUH!? You’re going to cry to Mongo? Well I’ll tell you what! I don’t work for a fed here and Mongo doesn’t even know who Copycat is!
Copycat: Hah! Mongo, my old buddy! I wonder when he’ll drop the act and just accept my poker night games!
Bradshaw: Plus! You can’t have the X*CROWN CHAMPION fired!
Larry: First off, in the X*Crown bylaws, the XHF Network has the right to vacate any championship to anyone who causes it such disrespect. Secondly, no. Copycat is not the X*Crown Champion. And he will never be the champion either! Copycat is a talentless loser, and a-
Bradshaw: He’s the one carrying my child!
Larry: …What!?
Copycat: WHAT!?
Bradshaw: Or… I mean, I suppose it could be your child too.
Larry: What in the HELL are you talking about?
Bradshaw: Well I was his best friend. And then you were. It’s hard to really tell the progression of this thing.
Larry: I’m not his best- I never had sex- What does any of this has to do with his pregnanc- …What is even going on here!?
Copycat: I never had sex with either of you two! I wasn’t even your best friend, Mr. Bradshaw! You just tortured me until I was able to leave you for my best buddy, Larry! And he is far kinder than you ever were!
Bradshaw: So he’s a better lover, huh!?
Copycat: No one who treated me the way you did could ever feel love! At least Larry gave me the kind of love that one human being could give another so technically, yeah! I guess he is!
Larry: I’d excuse myself to the bathroom to violently vomit some more, but I know exactly how the bathroom looks like… and smells like too.
Terry Bradshaw aggressively walks up to Copycat.
Bradshaw: And you think Larry here is bigger than me, huh!?
Bradshaw keeps walking until his pot belly nearly topples him over to his back.
Copycat: Mr. Bradshaw, I can assure you that out of everyone I know, you’re by far the biggest.
Bradshaw: Hah! Knew it!
Bradshaw beams a smile even bigger, brighter, and whiter than his usual smile. That’s when there’s a knock on… what remains of the door.
Officer: Police.
Larry: You can come in.
The police officer opens the door and comes in.
Officer: Oh hey. I’m a big fan of the XHF Network! I didn’t think I’d be coming here for a call. I’m a big fan!
Copycat walks forward with a smile.
Copycat: Always happy to meet a fan! Would you like an autograph or someth-
The police officer dismissively pushes Copycat to the side and proceeds forward.
Officer: I can’t believe I’m speaking to the one and only Terry Bradshaw!
The officer excitedly shakes Terry Bradshaw’s hand.
Larry: Thank goodness you’re here, officer! These two broke into my house! This monster whose hand you’re shaking brought a GUN into my house and SHOT at it. He also clogged my toilet and I know the plumbing bill is going to be cheap! The pregnant one you just pushed to the side, he started tearing through my entire kitchen and messing everything up! I want them both OUT OF HERE! I WANT THEM DRIVEN AWAY IN THE BACK OF YOUR CAR! IN HANDCUFFS!
Officer: Believe me, sir. We will take this seriously. First, I’ll need to have a discussion with all parties to get their sides of the story. Mr. Bradshaw, would you like to follow me and we can discuss this outside?
Bradshaw: You betcha!
They have some side conversation as the two walk off.
Officer: Is it true you got inducted into the Pro Football Hall of Fame in the first year you were eligible?
Bradshaw: Yep! Same with the XHF Network!
Officer: They have one of those? I thought those weren't actually real!
Bradshaw: They don’t want you to think that. It didn’t go over well with everyone. Mongo liked it, but Randy wasn’t a big fan of it.
Officer: Randy Angel?
Bradshaw: Yeah. Randy’s a big ol’ angel, he is.
Larry slowly exhales and shakes his head upon hearing how the conversation is going.
Larry: This day just cannot get any worse.
That’s when a woman barges in through the door and begins yelling.
Woman: LARRY!
Larry startles himself stiff.
Larry: Kimberly! What a pleasant surprise! You’re back from work early, I see!
Kimberly: Yeah, well I got done with work early so my boss gave me the rest of the day off and said I could have an early weekend… Unlike YOU who just keeps working and working, because your asshole boss won’t-
Larry motions his open palms downwards to try to pacify her.
Larry: Honey, please. The cameras are-
Kimberly: Don’t you interrupt me! Your ASSHOLE BOSS doesn’t seem to understand that his employees are people too and deserve time at home with their families too! So you wouldn’t take time off for me, but when two fat men decide to come out here and want to party, you just jump at the chance!
Copycat: Nice to meet you ma’am!
Kimberly: I’ve never even met you before. Who are you?
Larry: Oh, honey. He’s nobody.
Copycat: My name is Copycat!
Kimberly: Copycat, huh!? Wait, Larry - isn’t he the one you gave money to?
Larry: Yes, and he keeps following me around and-
Kimberly: So you give him money and you just hang out together?
Larry: No, that’s not how it works. He-
Copycat: We’re just the bestest buddies ever!
Kimberly: Bestest buddies, huh!? It's funny how I'm learning so much about you through other people. What happened to communication in a marriage, huh Larry? Why are you being so secretive? You’re acting like you’re having an affair with me.
Larry nervously laughs.
Larry: No, honey. That’s not what’s happening. You see-
Terry Bradshaw calls out from in the distance
Bradshaw: Copycat’s having this man’s baby!
Kimberly: He's WHAT!?
Larry: Look, it’s a long story and-
That’s when Copycat pulls something from his pocket.
Copycat: You see, this is a pregnancy test that I took not too long ago. I’m indeed pregnant. I’m guessing I’m approaching my 30th week soon.
Kimberly: OK, so this is super screwed up and I can’t tell if this is some stupid joke, but I’m confused here.
Copycat: I thought it was possible too, but of all the terrible and weird things I’ve survived, this isn’t even the weirdest thing. I’ve done some medical reading and there’s at least a medical basis. You see, the HCG hormone is what helps keep the fetus healthy and enough of it turns a pregnancy test healthy. Both men and women have this hormone. Women just have more, but it seems to be a-
Kimberly: Shut up, Just shut up. Just because I don’t know doesn’t mean I want to know. Believe me. I want no part in whatever kind of PERVERTED relationship you two share!
Larry: No, honey. That’s not what happened. If you’ll just let me explain, I-
Kimberly: I’m just… Larry, there’s bullet holes here! And… Oh god, what is that smell?
She walks over to the bathroom and recoils backwards from what she discovers there.
Kimberly: That is ABSOLUTELY PUTRID! And…
She heads over to the kitchen.
Kimberly: THE KITCHEN! What happened to my beautiful kitchen!? How hard did you all really party?
Larry apologetically walks up to his wife and puts his hand on her shoulder.
Larry: Honey-
Kimberly: Oh don’t Honey me, Larry! First the overworking, then the cheating and now just treating our house like some sort of pigpen! I just… I need space from you.
Larry tries to follow his wife as she walks off, but a police officer approaches him.
Police: Alright, sir. We had the story from the other side and I think what’s going on here is some big misunderstanding.
Larry’s jaw drops.
Larry: Misunderstanding?! The guy BROKE into my house with a GUN and caused a large amount of financial and mental damage to both the inside of my house and the confines of my marriage! He’s a criminal! They’re BOTH criminals!
Police: Yeah, but then he said a lot of stuff too which made me think it could have gone a different way.
Larry: What!? What could he have said to justify ANY of what he did?
Police: Look, I see you’re very unhappy and to make things easier for you, I’ll escort them out of property and you can be on your merry way.
Larry: So you’re not arresting them!? This is a miscarriage of justice!
Copycat: Oh please don’t say miscarriage. I don’t need any bad vibes!
The police officer turns around and walks Copycat and Bradshaw out of the house. As the police officer turns around, Larry notices something in his pocket.
Larry: And what’s that? Oh, is that a CASH?! Did Terry Bradshaw really just pay you off?! Expect to have your sergeant reprimand you! I’ll go to the chief! I’ll go to the ethics board! I’ll-
The police officer closes the door. The three walk to the curb.
Police: Oh that guy sounds like a big old stick in the mud.
Copycat: Larry sounds super upset. I think he just needs some time to cool his jets.
Bradshaw: Well you know, I’m proud of you, Copycat. I think we brought some Khaos, not just to his kitchen, but to the entire house, to his marriage and soon, to his entire life! I think that you have a knack for being Khaotic. I think that you’ll go far in this match.
Copycat: You… You really think so!?
Bradshaw: Just think about it. Zoran causes Khaos from his alter ego. Steve Awesome creates Khaos on the radio. Raiden causes Khaos to PBS because all the people who like watching boring crap choose to listen to him instead. And Dylan? Out of everyone in the family, he causes the least amount of Khaos! But you? You Khaos your way through the boundaries of homes and the sanctity of marriages! There’s no doubt in my mind that you’ll be walking out of Supremacy as the NEW X*Crown Champion!
Police: Well I’ll tell you what. It was an absolute pleasure hanging out with both of you. I’m about to hit my lunch break. How about we go out for a bite to-
The police officer is interrupted as the radio activates.
Radio: Patrol Vehicle 48. I repeat: Patrol Vehicle 48.
Police: Dang it. They always want something before I go on break.
The police officer pulls the radio out from his belt and answers it.
Police: This is Patrol Vehicle 48 - over.
Radio: There’s a medical situation in the cafe on 15th and Coleman Ave.
Police: A medical situation?
Copycat: That’s not too far from here… Weren’t we just there?
Radio: A worker was found unconscious with a large bottle of caramel shoved down her throat. The only clue we have is a piece of paper next to her with the words, “Caramel’s a bitch” next to her body. Medical’s on the way.
The police officer puts the radio back to his belt. This whole time, Terry Bradshaw just keeps on his happy-go-lucky smile.
Police: Sorry, bud. Maybe we can try again at another time. Anyways, take care! You two are staying out of real trouble, right?
Bradshaw: Oh, Absolutely. I'm staying out of all the Khaos.
Terry Bradshaw winks to Copycat, telling him more from the implication as opposed to the actual words.
Police: Haha! You two just kill me!
The police officer goes back to his car, activates the lights and heads off into the distance. Bradshaw smiles once more towards Copycat.
Copycat: Mr. Bradshaw, how did you get us out of that?
Terry Bradshaw dismissively waves his hand.
Bradshaw: Pfft. Mongo likes to think his legal team is undefeatable. But it's not the lawyers that are above the law. There are two things in this world that are unstoppable. The first is money.
Copycat: And the second?
Bradshaw: The second, my boy...
Whap! Terry Bradshaw gives Copycat a surprisingly quick thrust to his back.
Bradshaw: The second is you.
The scene fades to black not a moment too soon.
Bradshaw:Stand back, Copycat. I don’t want you to get hurt.
Copycat: Wait, Mr. Bradshaw, what are you doing? MR. BRADSHAW, NO!
And BAM! Terry Bradshaw KICKS DOWN THE DOOR! Or rather, that’s what he was hoping would happen. Instead of actually knocking down the door, he just makes a very loud sound.
Copycat: Mr. Bradshaw, why can’t you just knock on the door like a normal person?
Bradshaw: Because I’m making a scene, Copycat.
Copycat: Well why can’t you just take a deep breath and count to ten or something?
Bradshaw: Copycat, please! Stand back, I say!
Copycat: Mr. Bradshaw, please just-OH MY GOD!
Copycat screams as he sees what Terry Bradshaw pulls out of his pocket.
The camera changes to the inside of the house where the recipient of Copycat’s unrequited friendship, Larry, gets up from the couch wearing a t–shirt and pajama bottoms. He rests his hand alongside the back of his head.
Larry: Good grief, my head is just pounding. I think when I start to feel better, I’m just going to go up to that weird Copycat fellow and tell him off for good. I hate to be that guy, but he is just making my life horrible. I swear. I cannot think of anything worse than dealing with Copycat for another momen-
Larry is cut off as he hears a GUNSHOT. Larry instinctively falls to the floor and covers his head with his arms.
Larry: WHAT THE HECK IS THAT!?
And with another loud BANG, Terry Bradshaw kicks down the door and rushes in. Copycat nervously follows him. Larry gets up and peeks from around the corner.
Larry: This is PRIVATE PROPERTY. Leave now or I will call the police!
Bradshaw: There’s that stupid son of a bitch! Don’t think I don’t know what you did!
Larry: What the heck are you talking about?
Copycat: Yes, Mr. Bradshaw. What the heck are you talking about?
Bradshaw: Copycat left me… FOR YOU! You think that you can do for him what I can’t!?
Larry: …What?
Copycat: Mr. Bradshaw, you’ve tortured and abused me for years and years! Larry was there for me! He treats me right! Just the other week, he bought me dinner!
Terry Bradshaw’s jaw drops. His eyes peel open as he stares a hole through Larry.
Bradshaw: You WHAT!?
Larry: I ate dinner and threw the food out. I then took the garbage out later that night. I later found Copycat scavenging around through my trash and eating what I didn’t.
Copycat smiles off into the distance.
Copycat: Red wine-braised short ribs atop a fluffy bed of buttery mashed potatoes. How’d he know I’d love that so much?
Bradshaw: I want you to know something and I want you to listen well BUCKO. Copycat is my friend and I don’t want you to be hanging around him any longer!
Larry: That’s fine! Take your annoying friend and tell him to get out of my life! You can start by getting the hell out of my house! The whole reason why I came here was because the guy just won’t shut up! He keeps going on and on and on! I don’t know what he told you but I’m NOT his friend! He’s more likely to win the X*Crown Championship than he is at getting me to be his friend at all!
Bradshaw: Don’t think you can get out of this with sweet talk! I’m still pissed off!
Copycat: Wait, wait. Hold on a sec. Did you say that you think I can win this match at Supremacy?
Larry stares at Copycat incredulously.
Larry: …What!? Is that what you got out of that outburst?
Copycat: Because Raiden basically said I wasn’t a good wrestler and it had be anyone else on my team, I would have lost a long time ago!
Terry Bradshaw calls out from the bathroom.
Bradshaw: And that Steve Awesome isn't even taking the time to properly respond to you! He's just tossing you aside like you're some unimportant piece of Copycat!
Larry: Can we not… Are we… Are you really trying to discuss the merits of your match at Battle of Hegemony after you two have broken into my house and while you two are still in here without authorization?
Copycat: But Mr. Bradshaw told me earlier that I did the right thing. Because you know, we have this fight or flight response but all these wrestlers choose to fight when sometimes taking flight is the correct response. He said that my sense of decision-making was a lot more advanced than that of my teammates.
Bradshaw: You are correct, Copycat. That's exactly what you should have done.
Copycat: And he sounds like he’s awfully mad at me and that he wants to unleash his pent up frustration at me in this Kitchen Kaos match-OH MY GOD. I AM STARRRRRRVING. Is there anything good in the kitchen?
Larry: Get out now!
But Copycat and Bradshaw didn’t pay attention to Larry. They’ve already turned down the corridor and started opening doors.
Bradshaw: I think the kitchen is in this room, Copycat!
Copycat: Are you sure?
Larry: That’s not the kitchen! That’s the bathroom!
Bradshaw: Oh, that’s alright. I’ll be in here anyways. My coffee is just running through my stomach right now and I need to take a huge Raiden Shitimori.
As Copycat proceeds to the kitchen, Larry follows Terry Bradshaw into the bathroom.
Larry: No, I’m being serious. You need to leave right- WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?
In the middle of Larry’s sentence, Terry Bradshaw pulls his pants down (the camera view of Bradshaw’s genitals being obstructed by Larry’s shoulder.). Larry manages to leave the room and close the door before the sounds of plops hitting water start taking over all too much. As he heads into the kitchen, he finds half the cabinets open and all different sort of small appliances cluttering the countertops and floors.
Larry: Get Bradshaw out of my bathroom right now! He’s taking a shi- …He’s taking a poop!
Copycat: Oh, Mr. Bradshaw? Yeah, he does that. He likes to take three solid poops a day. It largely stems from the large number of LGBT sandwiches he eats in a day. What do you think that stands for? I'm thinking Lettuce, Guacamole, Bacon, and Tomato. Anyways, hey. I’m having this WEEEEIIIRRRDDD craving for tuna fish and peanut butter. Look, I know it’s weird, but I’m TOOOOOOTALLLLYYYY jonesing right now. Do you know where I can find that?
Larry: …I’m calling the police right now.
As he says that, Larry reaches into his pocket, trying to pull out his phone.
Copycat: Oooh, don’t do that, best buddy! At least let me get that sandwich first! I know. I feel like a total pig right now, but maybe it’s a body dysmorphia kind of thing. I know Raiden called me scrawny so I guess maybe it’s not as bad as I originally thought!
Larry pulls out his phone and starts pressing buttons, but he’s getting increasingly frustrated.
Larry: Oh, you’ve got to be KIDDING me!
Copycat: What’s wrong, bestest buddy in the world?
Larry: Well, I’ve got a clinically INSANE geriatric guy taking a DUMP in my bathroom and I’ve got someone who couldn’t ever take a HINT and LEAVE ME ALONE! And when I want to call the police, suddenly my phone decides that it doesn’t want to work, and that instead, it wants to be charged!
Copycat: Oh, is that it? Well why didn’t you just say so, bestest buddy in the entire world!? I’ll tell you what. I’ll go charge your phone for you and you go make me the tuna fish sandwich with extra peanut butter! How ‘bout that?
Bradshaw: Hey, asshole. The toilet won’t flush.
Larry runs his hands through his hair and grasps clumps of it. He’s ready to rip his hair off.
Larry: It’s RIGHT next to the toilet!
Bradshaw: It’s WHERE?
Larry walks with Terry Bradshaw to the bathroom.
Larry: It’s right over HERE-
That’s when Terry Bradshaw actually kicks Larry into the bathroom. Bradshaw closes the door and finds a nearby chair to keep it closed. Larry begins furiously trying to open the door, but the door stops it. Larry’s yelling through the door.
Larry: LET ME OUT OF HERE! IT STINKS SO BAD!
Bradshaw: That’s because a big huge RAIDEN SHITIMORI!
Copycat: Mr. Bradshaw, it wasn’t really funny the first time. It’s definitely not funny now.
Bradshaw: Oh… What if I said I took a Queef Awesome?
Copycat: That just doesn’t make any sense. You just took a-
Bradshaw: ANNNYYYYWAAAYYYYS, Let’s talk about our match.
Copycat: But I’m hungry!
Bradshaw: And now’s the perfect time to do it! This is practice!
Copycat: Huh?
Bradshaw: This is a Kitchen KHAOS match! You have all these items at your disposal! If you want to be the X*Crown Champion, you need to PROVE it to me! Now pick up that frying pan and FORCE YOUR WAY INTO MY FRIDGE!
Copycat closes his eyes as he grasps the frying pan. He audibly gulps with a swallow.
Bradshaw: Remember, visualize being the champion I know you are. Visualize being the champion YOU know you are.
Copycat rapidly breathes to the point of hyperventilation before charging forward.
Copycat: AHHHHH!!!
As the two collide with one another, the camera switches inside of the bathroom where Larry is trapped. He’s given up on trying to break out, both because of the exhaustion and because of the noxious fumes coming from the censored and pixelated brown sticking out from the toilet. He slumps down toward the floor.
Larry: Why is this HAPPENING to me!? I just hope things aren’t going to get any wors-
He’s interrupted as the sound of metal smashing is heard. Missing context, he can still hear a lot of what Terry Bradshaw and Copycat are saying to one another.
Bradshaw: Oh, Copycat. You really rammed me hard with that one!
Copycat: Well I had to get you after you tried to shove that big rod of meat up my rear!
Bradshaw: Well if you think you’re out of the deep end, think again! I’m going to have to tie you to the radiator in the basement and hold you there for decades against your will!
Copycat: Oh wow, Mr. Bradshaw. That’s actually very far…
Bradshaw: Oh yeah, baby! Big Bad Bradshaw is going to go very far with you! Let’s do this!
Upon hearing this suggestive dialogue, Larry gets a renowned sense of urgency and searches around the room for a way out. There, he finds the sole window in the room. He opens it and starts finagling his way outside.
The camera switches back to the kitchen, where Copycat and Bradshaw are sweaty and tired, albeit still wearing clothes. Copycat is eating a sandwich, and Terry Bradshaw is eyeing something in the far corner. He’s drawing something.
Copycat: That was great, Mr. Bradshaw. I feel like I’m a lot more prepared for this match!
Bradshaw: That’s what I do, my dear Copycat. Do they even have food in this Kitchen Khaos match, though? Or is it just kitchen appliances and whatnot?
Copycat: I don’t know. I sure hope so! What if I get hungry in the middle of the match? Maybe I can bring some food and leave it with one of the commentators, just in case.
Bradshaw: The drunk guy? He might try to eat it.
Copycat: Alright. What about Hawke?
Bradshaw: Hawk does indeed sound like a delicious meal. That’s the one food Randy Angel wouldn’t eat. That’s the symbol of America, you know.
Copycat: I’m Canadian, so I wouldn’t know.
The front door opens and Larry busts inside. He indignantly storms into the kitchen.
Larry: This kitchen looks like a pigsty! This whole house looks like a mess!
Bradshaw: Yeah, you should probably clean it up. You have guests over, you know.
Larry: Well these GUESTS are going to be evicted soon! I should have you know that I asked for my neighbor to call the police and that they will be over VERY soon! And then after that-
Bradshaw: And then what, HUH!? You’re going to cry to Mongo? Well I’ll tell you what! I don’t work for a fed here and Mongo doesn’t even know who Copycat is!
Copycat: Hah! Mongo, my old buddy! I wonder when he’ll drop the act and just accept my poker night games!
Bradshaw: Plus! You can’t have the X*CROWN CHAMPION fired!
Larry: First off, in the X*Crown bylaws, the XHF Network has the right to vacate any championship to anyone who causes it such disrespect. Secondly, no. Copycat is not the X*Crown Champion. And he will never be the champion either! Copycat is a talentless loser, and a-
Bradshaw: He’s the one carrying my child!
Larry: …What!?
Copycat: WHAT!?
Bradshaw: Or… I mean, I suppose it could be your child too.
Larry: What in the HELL are you talking about?
Bradshaw: Well I was his best friend. And then you were. It’s hard to really tell the progression of this thing.
Larry: I’m not his best- I never had sex- What does any of this has to do with his pregnanc- …What is even going on here!?
Copycat: I never had sex with either of you two! I wasn’t even your best friend, Mr. Bradshaw! You just tortured me until I was able to leave you for my best buddy, Larry! And he is far kinder than you ever were!
Bradshaw: So he’s a better lover, huh!?
Copycat: No one who treated me the way you did could ever feel love! At least Larry gave me the kind of love that one human being could give another so technically, yeah! I guess he is!
Larry: I’d excuse myself to the bathroom to violently vomit some more, but I know exactly how the bathroom looks like… and smells like too.
Terry Bradshaw aggressively walks up to Copycat.
Bradshaw: And you think Larry here is bigger than me, huh!?
Bradshaw keeps walking until his pot belly nearly topples him over to his back.
Copycat: Mr. Bradshaw, I can assure you that out of everyone I know, you’re by far the biggest.
Bradshaw: Hah! Knew it!
Bradshaw beams a smile even bigger, brighter, and whiter than his usual smile. That’s when there’s a knock on… what remains of the door.
Officer: Police.
Larry: You can come in.
The police officer opens the door and comes in.
Officer: Oh hey. I’m a big fan of the XHF Network! I didn’t think I’d be coming here for a call. I’m a big fan!
Copycat walks forward with a smile.
Copycat: Always happy to meet a fan! Would you like an autograph or someth-
The police officer dismissively pushes Copycat to the side and proceeds forward.
Officer: I can’t believe I’m speaking to the one and only Terry Bradshaw!
The officer excitedly shakes Terry Bradshaw’s hand.
Larry: Thank goodness you’re here, officer! These two broke into my house! This monster whose hand you’re shaking brought a GUN into my house and SHOT at it. He also clogged my toilet and I know the plumbing bill is going to be cheap! The pregnant one you just pushed to the side, he started tearing through my entire kitchen and messing everything up! I want them both OUT OF HERE! I WANT THEM DRIVEN AWAY IN THE BACK OF YOUR CAR! IN HANDCUFFS!
Officer: Believe me, sir. We will take this seriously. First, I’ll need to have a discussion with all parties to get their sides of the story. Mr. Bradshaw, would you like to follow me and we can discuss this outside?
Bradshaw: You betcha!
They have some side conversation as the two walk off.
Officer: Is it true you got inducted into the Pro Football Hall of Fame in the first year you were eligible?
Bradshaw: Yep! Same with the XHF Network!
Officer: They have one of those? I thought those weren't actually real!
Bradshaw: They don’t want you to think that. It didn’t go over well with everyone. Mongo liked it, but Randy wasn’t a big fan of it.
Officer: Randy Angel?
Bradshaw: Yeah. Randy’s a big ol’ angel, he is.
Larry slowly exhales and shakes his head upon hearing how the conversation is going.
Larry: This day just cannot get any worse.
That’s when a woman barges in through the door and begins yelling.
Woman: LARRY!
Larry startles himself stiff.
Larry: Kimberly! What a pleasant surprise! You’re back from work early, I see!
Kimberly: Yeah, well I got done with work early so my boss gave me the rest of the day off and said I could have an early weekend… Unlike YOU who just keeps working and working, because your asshole boss won’t-
Larry motions his open palms downwards to try to pacify her.
Larry: Honey, please. The cameras are-
Kimberly: Don’t you interrupt me! Your ASSHOLE BOSS doesn’t seem to understand that his employees are people too and deserve time at home with their families too! So you wouldn’t take time off for me, but when two fat men decide to come out here and want to party, you just jump at the chance!
Copycat: Nice to meet you ma’am!
Kimberly: I’ve never even met you before. Who are you?
Larry: Oh, honey. He’s nobody.
Copycat: My name is Copycat!
Kimberly: Copycat, huh!? Wait, Larry - isn’t he the one you gave money to?
Larry: Yes, and he keeps following me around and-
Kimberly: So you give him money and you just hang out together?
Larry: No, that’s not how it works. He-
Copycat: We’re just the bestest buddies ever!
Kimberly: Bestest buddies, huh!? It's funny how I'm learning so much about you through other people. What happened to communication in a marriage, huh Larry? Why are you being so secretive? You’re acting like you’re having an affair with me.
Larry nervously laughs.
Larry: No, honey. That’s not what’s happening. You see-
Terry Bradshaw calls out from in the distance
Bradshaw: Copycat’s having this man’s baby!
Kimberly: He's WHAT!?
Larry: Look, it’s a long story and-
That’s when Copycat pulls something from his pocket.
Copycat: You see, this is a pregnancy test that I took not too long ago. I’m indeed pregnant. I’m guessing I’m approaching my 30th week soon.
Kimberly: OK, so this is super screwed up and I can’t tell if this is some stupid joke, but I’m confused here.
Copycat: I thought it was possible too, but of all the terrible and weird things I’ve survived, this isn’t even the weirdest thing. I’ve done some medical reading and there’s at least a medical basis. You see, the HCG hormone is what helps keep the fetus healthy and enough of it turns a pregnancy test healthy. Both men and women have this hormone. Women just have more, but it seems to be a-
Kimberly: Shut up, Just shut up. Just because I don’t know doesn’t mean I want to know. Believe me. I want no part in whatever kind of PERVERTED relationship you two share!
Larry: No, honey. That’s not what happened. If you’ll just let me explain, I-
Kimberly: I’m just… Larry, there’s bullet holes here! And… Oh god, what is that smell?
She walks over to the bathroom and recoils backwards from what she discovers there.
Kimberly: That is ABSOLUTELY PUTRID! And…
She heads over to the kitchen.
Kimberly: THE KITCHEN! What happened to my beautiful kitchen!? How hard did you all really party?
Larry apologetically walks up to his wife and puts his hand on her shoulder.
Larry: Honey-
Kimberly: Oh don’t Honey me, Larry! First the overworking, then the cheating and now just treating our house like some sort of pigpen! I just… I need space from you.
Larry tries to follow his wife as she walks off, but a police officer approaches him.
Police: Alright, sir. We had the story from the other side and I think what’s going on here is some big misunderstanding.
Larry’s jaw drops.
Larry: Misunderstanding?! The guy BROKE into my house with a GUN and caused a large amount of financial and mental damage to both the inside of my house and the confines of my marriage! He’s a criminal! They’re BOTH criminals!
Police: Yeah, but then he said a lot of stuff too which made me think it could have gone a different way.
Larry: What!? What could he have said to justify ANY of what he did?
Police: Look, I see you’re very unhappy and to make things easier for you, I’ll escort them out of property and you can be on your merry way.
Larry: So you’re not arresting them!? This is a miscarriage of justice!
Copycat: Oh please don’t say miscarriage. I don’t need any bad vibes!
The police officer turns around and walks Copycat and Bradshaw out of the house. As the police officer turns around, Larry notices something in his pocket.
Larry: And what’s that? Oh, is that a CASH?! Did Terry Bradshaw really just pay you off?! Expect to have your sergeant reprimand you! I’ll go to the chief! I’ll go to the ethics board! I’ll-
The police officer closes the door. The three walk to the curb.
Police: Oh that guy sounds like a big old stick in the mud.
Copycat: Larry sounds super upset. I think he just needs some time to cool his jets.
Bradshaw: Well you know, I’m proud of you, Copycat. I think we brought some Khaos, not just to his kitchen, but to the entire house, to his marriage and soon, to his entire life! I think that you have a knack for being Khaotic. I think that you’ll go far in this match.
Copycat: You… You really think so!?
Bradshaw: Just think about it. Zoran causes Khaos from his alter ego. Steve Awesome creates Khaos on the radio. Raiden causes Khaos to PBS because all the people who like watching boring crap choose to listen to him instead. And Dylan? Out of everyone in the family, he causes the least amount of Khaos! But you? You Khaos your way through the boundaries of homes and the sanctity of marriages! There’s no doubt in my mind that you’ll be walking out of Supremacy as the NEW X*Crown Champion!
Police: Well I’ll tell you what. It was an absolute pleasure hanging out with both of you. I’m about to hit my lunch break. How about we go out for a bite to-
The police officer is interrupted as the radio activates.
Radio: Patrol Vehicle 48. I repeat: Patrol Vehicle 48.
Police: Dang it. They always want something before I go on break.
The police officer pulls the radio out from his belt and answers it.
Police: This is Patrol Vehicle 48 - over.
Radio: There’s a medical situation in the cafe on 15th and Coleman Ave.
Police: A medical situation?
Copycat: That’s not too far from here… Weren’t we just there?
Radio: A worker was found unconscious with a large bottle of caramel shoved down her throat. The only clue we have is a piece of paper next to her with the words, “Caramel’s a bitch” next to her body. Medical’s on the way.
The police officer puts the radio back to his belt. This whole time, Terry Bradshaw just keeps on his happy-go-lucky smile.
Police: Sorry, bud. Maybe we can try again at another time. Anyways, take care! You two are staying out of real trouble, right?
Bradshaw: Oh, Absolutely. I'm staying out of all the Khaos.
Terry Bradshaw winks to Copycat, telling him more from the implication as opposed to the actual words.
Police: Haha! You two just kill me!
The police officer goes back to his car, activates the lights and heads off into the distance. Bradshaw smiles once more towards Copycat.
Copycat: Mr. Bradshaw, how did you get us out of that?
Terry Bradshaw dismissively waves his hand.
Bradshaw: Pfft. Mongo likes to think his legal team is undefeatable. But it's not the lawyers that are above the law. There are two things in this world that are unstoppable. The first is money.
Copycat: And the second?
Bradshaw: The second, my boy...
Whap! Terry Bradshaw gives Copycat a surprisingly quick thrust to his back.
Bradshaw: The second is you.
The scene fades to black not a moment too soon.
