Late for My Own Funeral [ZS S01 / DB #4]

[mosler]

The screen is a grey blur.

“We’re going to keep monitoring, but it doesn’t appear that the vision loss is permanent. Consider yourself exceedingly fortunate.”

A black circle slowly eclipses the grey, until the screen is covered in darkness.

“With the level of current damage, however, it’s critical that you don’t take any further risks.”

After an appropriate pause for this warning to sink in, the image switches from the suggested first person perspective of the patient, to a match edit of the black eye patch of Zoran Sainovic. A zoom takes us out of a close-up of an exhausted looking Final Boss, to find him seated in the office of an optometrist. His good eye still sports a grotesquely bloodshot cornea from Kris Quake’s vicious 12-million scoville assault. Being nearly blind seems to be the least of the X*Crown champion’s current problems. Unable to do up his vest over the heavy gauze applied to the deep bruising caused by Curtis D. Kanyon’s sledgehammer shots, Zoran Sainovic is actually wearing a tracksuit. The loose fitting sportswear not only makes Sainovic look like a Yakuza ...or breakdancer... but also indicates the cracks in his legendary pain threshold. This might be the first time that Sainovic has appeared on camera not wearing a suit. How bad must his health be to abandon style for comfort?

“It might be time to get back behind the desk.”

A demonic red eye stares at the impossible to decipher funduscopy. Is that a ū?  Perhaps he could memorize the test? Getting through Supremacy isn’t going to be half as difficult a battle as clearing a physical for it. Letting the physician’s prognosis wash over him, a half-blind eye curls into a cringe. Poker face eroded, this is another tell that Sainovic is more focused on the searing pain from his ribs, than keeping up appearances. Taking a second to fight the agonized twitches, a composed front finally emerges.

Zoran Sainovic: 

I understand, doctor.

Keeping himself from screaming as he stands, Sainovic nods politely, before heading towards the door.

Optometrist:

At least you had this last great run.

Zoran Sainovic:

Indeed.

The end.

...That has always been the goal, but it hasn’t really sunk in yet. His initial purpose was to replace a legacy steeped in Syndicate Wrestling And Tradition with an organization he could be proud of, the XHF. That target has long since come to pass. In fact, Sainovic has buried his humble origins in an embarrassment of riches. Even if it lasts a pitiful ninety days, this championship run has been memorable. The wars have been brutal. How many years did the defences shave off of his career? Oh, his wife and son will enjoy having him around. He certainly won’t miss the road. Yet even as he sips scotch on a tropical beach while living it up in retirement, losing the crown? Going out on a loss? That will be bittersweet. Coming to terms with his career officially ending? It isn’t going to be easy.

Despite enjoying a friendlier relationship than most XHF stars do with the technical crew, Jim Smalls doesn’t share a word with the champion as they exit the office. Climbing into the elevator, Smalls hits GROUND after Sainovic accidentally presses BASEMENT 5. Neither lets on how bad it has gotten.  Let your retinas wash away on a river of hot sauce. The two buttons would look the same to you too.  When the elevator is finally reduced to just them, Smalls breaks the silence.

Jim Smalls: 

You all right, Zoran?

Zoran Sainovic:

Huh? Oh, Jim. Yes. It struck me, zat I’ve almost run zrough every name on my enemy list... almost karmatically clear to just step away with a clean slate. Very rare in zis business to be able to bury every guy who ever looked at you funny... but I’m close. So very close.  It’s a fine line I'm walking. Only ever time I defend ze crown to cross off a grudge... I run ze risk of creating new regrets, unfortunate memories, and fresh rogues. Just look at OZW...

Jim Smalls:

Shouldn’t it be OtW?

Zoran Sainovic:

I’m owning it.

Jim Smalls: 

Okay, so with the stakes that high - why not retire as champion?

Zoran Sainovic:

My legacy is intrinsically tied to ze value of ze X*Crown... and vacating ze championships, would diminish zat worth. You win a belt; you do ze next champion ze honour of losing to zem, in ze hope zat zey too pay it forward. Maintains ze lustre of respectability. One of ze problems with a number of my Supremacy challengers is zat zey are clearly looking to win, zen vacate on top. Now on paper it might not look like a problem to let a dead federation, say... REIGN, have a representative. If zey win, where will it go?  After all, Steve Awesome is so horny for activity; he’ll literally wrestle anywhere. Only, what happens when he doesn’t pick a new federation to official christen top of ze boards and just rambles along? Or worse, ze crown jewel of ze XHF is in ze hands of a guy who routinely moonlights on rival networks, and doesn’t shine. Not a good look. ...Ze same goes for CopyCat – who doesn’t even pretend to follow ze current Network product... what if he gets lucky? We’re going to need ze Borgs to take us back to 2018 relevancy, because ze crown will be housed in ze AWF – if he doesn’t just hide under a bridge with it.

The elevator opens. Walking out into the foyer of a medical building, The Final Boss stops to let a woman in a wheelchair cross in front of them, then continues his point. 

Zoran Sainovic:

OH, but ze next big event is ze rumble! Well, who cares if ze winner immediately vacates ze title? At least we have a big match where everyone has a chance, right?

Jim Smalls:

Right.

Zoran Sainovic:

But zere is something to be said for having an active champion going into zat match. Whether it’s Bobby Barratt, Chris Kanyon, El Rey or myself taking on ze horde – it creates a heroic image of what a champion should be. So running it for ze vacant strap? Zat would be unfortunate. So I must do everything in my power to make sure one of zese “pick up the title and walk” winners do not succeed.

Jim Smalls:

But the doctor said-

Zoran Sainovic:

...Yes, zey tell me to walk away. 

If only it was that easy.

Zoran Sainovic:

I expect to lose, Jim. Ze past few months have been quite physically taxing. I have very little left to give ze XHF, except laying down in defeat to a new champion. ...I can only hope I have just enough left in ze tank to lose to a worthy one. To zat end, I have stacked ze deck in credibility’s favour with ze inclusion of Dylan Black. It was only unfortunate zat ze Hegemony draw ended up going down ze way it did – as I would much rather be facing relatively new pairings in Raymond, Sheik, or even zat piece of excrement Armand on zis stage. But I want Dylan to be ze one to put me down, even if it means sullying my final defence, by letting ...fucking... Steve be a part.

As the two men step out of the office into the cold afternoon air, they are greeted by dozens of flashbulbs. Sainovic seems concerned with the location of this ambush, so close to his doctor, like this press leak is related to his diminished physical condition.

Juniper Jones (holding out microphone):
Juniper Jones, Squared Circle Observatory, there have been rumours regarding your health-

Zoran Sainovic:

Ze nine defences over ze past two and a half months - along with being classics - were quite gruelling... but I assure you, when it comes to Supremacy, I will give my fans zeir money’s worth.

Quinton Reed:
Quinton Reed, Hardcore In Color – no one is suggesting that you aren’t in fighting form, quite the opposite-

Zoran Sainovic:

Meaning?

Pam Demonia: 

Pam Demonia, Independent – can you spell your last name?

Tripp Tripperson:
Jesus, get it together, Pam. Tripp Tripperson, Wrestling With The Truth – there have been reports that you have been faking your injuries.

Zoran Sainovic (icy stare):

What?

Tripp Tripperson: 

Rumour has it that the extent of the damage done to your person has been greatly exaggerated.

Zoran Sainovic:

Why would anyone pretend something like zat? (points at his mangled Elephant Man body) LIKE ZIS?

Quinton Reed: 

We were hoping you could tell us.

Zoran Sainovic:

I don’t know who your sources are... but let me ask you. If you honestly zought I was functioning at 100%, would you actually be comfortable posing a question zat might somehow put me in a bad mood.

The flock of reporters take a step back in fear, and then think it over.

Juniper Jones (looks to the others who all nod in agreement):
Definitely not.

Zoran Sainovic (cold smile):

Exactly. So you see, I must be functioning in a lesser state. ...Zough even if you were afraid of me, I certainly admire your journalistic integrity, braving danger to chase a story. Good for all of you. My matches are a matter of ze public, involving bloodbaths filmed not just for ze XHF or GUNS, but a number of other affiliates. Ze level of conspiracy required to make it look like I was pretending to be beat up, is frankly preposterous. While I’d like to tell you all zat Kanyon didn’t crack a few of my ribs with zat sledgehammer, ze evidence is on tape. So I’d encourage you all to double check your sources, and recognize zat while it is a broken man defending ze crown at Supremacy – he will still go out fighting with more heart zan ze other competitors combined.

Moved by the posturing of this Final Boss, and genuinely questioning their sources, the gaggle of reporters disperses.

Jim Smalls:

Who would start a rumour that nutty?

Zoran Sainovic (eyes narrow):

Zat is ze question.

The two men continue walking towards a patio area; only one figure breaks away from the wrestling reporters, and continues to follow them.

Joey Hawke:

Excuse me, Zoran-

Zoran Sainovic (straining to make out the face):

Hawke-

The appearance of the XHF commentator has Sainovic on edge. The champion rarely comes into contact with this announcer without Randy Angel in tow, the booze hound who recently has been on a hot streak of almost murdering the blinded Sainovic.

Zoran Sainovic:

Ze idiot with you...?

Joey Hawke:

What? Oh, whenever we’re outside of work he tries to crash on my couch, so, no. Listen Zoran, I’m begging you – you HAVE to beat CopyCat!

Zoran Sainovic:

I didn’t realize you had a stake in ze game.

Joey Hawke:

Well, I do!

Zoran Sainovic:

I must point out, Joseph – I’m not sure how much say I’ll have in who ends up beating me. I brought in my own ringer, sure, but if Dylan is too busy kicking Steve’s ass with Bone Cold’s leg – CopyCat might just pull off ze win while they’re all tied up. Why all ze CopyCat hate, anyway? Did he give you hepatitis? Zat could be Curtis. What do you have against pregnant people, Hawke?

Joey Hawke:

I’ve spent my entire career in the wrestling business. Not in the ring, but in production. Why? ...Because I’m a firm believer that a ninety-pounds-when-wet-man has no business in the ring! The world title should be for ACTUAL athletes. If CopyCat someone pulls it off, it means that I could have- and I couldn’t live with that. No, CopyCat would make the X*Crown look terrible – and I know you can save it. I’m begging you too!

Zoran Sainovic:

Look, I’ve beaten, or successfully defended by way of draw – ze other zree challengers in ze past few months. Like it or not, CopyCat is ze only participant zat I haven’t actively crossed paths with, and as a result – he’s actually going into zis as ze top contender. So while on paper Cat’s physical statistics might make him seem like ze underdog of ze group, in actuality – he has ze strongest chance of picking up ze victory. I’ll do my best, but you may want to prepare for ze worst, Hawke... and rethink how you define athletes.

Joey Hawke: 

...A pregnant derelict.

Zoran Sainovic (shrug):

I have to lose at some point... at least zat would be memorable.

Joey Hawke:

NEVER! We can’t let a delusional male vagrant who believes he’s with child win the X*Crown!

Zoran Sainovic:

I understand where you’re coming from, truly I do. But when ze XHF has group matches deciding challengers, letting Black drag a team of underachieving remoras to ze big stage – because zat is basically ze story of his work with J-RoK – what we have now? Zose are ze breaks. I want to help, I want to retain, but I’m running on fumes. You need another athleticism advocate, Hawke. Ask Ishimori to make Cat a personal project... why are you telling me?

“Cause some damn fool accused you of being the best.”

The voice sounds familiar, but it takes blurry vision longer to spot the cyborg sitting at the patio. Dylan Black rises from his seat.

Zoran Sainovic:

DYLAN!

Walking with a noticeable limp, Sainovic hobbles over to meet his Sakura Tag League winning partner.

Zoran Sainovic:

...you... son... of... a... bitch!

The two men clasp hands – Zoran with his working arm, Dylan with his metal one.

A handshake so epic it looks more like arm wrestling.

It might actually be arm wrestling, as they squeeze each other’s hands in an act of passive aggression so macho they can only be the Super Frenemies.

Biceps bulge. Though that might be Zoran’s loose fitting tracksuit bunching up into a Popeye spinach kick, and Dylan’s cyborg arm running an app to make him look more ripped. To gaze at these mountains threatening to erupt on their championship winning frames, you’d think these two were Gods. The duo visibly shake under the force of their incredible handshake.

Zoran Sainovic (almost passing out trying to maintain his grip):

What’s ze matter, J-RoK got you pushing too many pencils?

The wrestling reporters all flock back to witness this once in a lifetime handshake. Flash photography goes off, with this standoff clearly becoming the cover image for all those wrestling publications present.

Zoran Sainovic:

Had enough?

Dylan Black:

Take it easy on yourself there, Zoran.

The testosterone in the air is enough to get CopyCat pregnant.

Dylan Black:

Okay, okay, okay!

The two men finally break the handshake – another second, and they might have split the atom.

Zoran Sainovic:

Now if you’ll all excuse us-

Dylan Black:

We want it to be a surprise when we double-team Steve in a vegetative state.

Zoran Sainovic:

Zough when he’s eating his BANG CIVIL WAR anniversary cake zrough a straw, you’ll probably zink he was faking it too-

The sinister duo begin to leave...

Tripp Tripperson: 

JUST ONE QUESTION-

Pam Demonia: 

Are you two going to be wearing those stylish matching red numbers again?

Tripp Tripperson: 

Damn it, Pam!

Incensed enough to actually answer this one question, Dylan Black turns back with a hiss.

Dylan Black:

NO!

With that emphatic point made, Black starts to stomp off. Zoran on the other hand, stops to give a knowing wink at the reporters. OH MY GOD.  Zoran is somehow going to force Dylan to wear the outfit!  That's a bigger win than the Crown match itself!  This wink is enough to send the reporters off to their rags with the hot scoop – matching red sequins for Black. With only Hawke left behind, Sainovic shakes his head.

Zoran Sainovic:

You should zink better of yourself. I’d watch a Joey Hawke match.

Nodding supportively at the conflicted Hawke, Zoran turns to join Black. The fiendish game plans that the Super Frenemies are about to devise will be enough to make Steve Awesome wish he was Scott Tenorman. Panning away from the menacing aura, Jim Smalls tracks back to Joey Hawke who stares up at the sky.  The clouds resemble the grey blur of the Sainovic's damaged vision.

Joey Hawke:

Could I really be an X*Crown champion?

Lesser men have tried.