The Last Laugh [ZS S03]

[mosler]

Balloons. Streamers. Banners. Cake. Games. Revellers. Yes. This must be the place.

The front doors swing open as a pantomime version of Disney’s Flynn Rider prances into a large hall where the party is being held. Fistfuls of confetti, and a boom box pumping Tangled’s “I See the Light” make sure that all eyes are on the Disney mascot. Now Flynn wouldn’t say anything to upset his corporate overlords, but as nice as the song is, there are days when the costumed mascot wishes he had something Frozen catchy. Working fast before he loses the crowds attention, Flynn tosses enough confetti to look like Rip Taylor.

Flynn Rider:

Did I hear it was someone’s birthday?

A malnourished orphan runs up to Rapunzel’s love interest from Tangled, the boy’s boney arm is raised high.

Tinto:

WOW! ME! ME! ME! I am this many years old!

The boy starts to count with his fingers to lay on the cute factor. Adorable. Reaching into his vest, this costumed Flynn produces a small present, and hands it to the child.

Flynn Rider:

Happy Birthday, Tinto! I hope you like it-

The Disney figure almost loses a finger as Tinto snatches the gift away, and unwraps it with the ravenous speed of a piranha feeding frenzy. For all the excitement of the ribbon ripping, the child seems less enthusiastic when he finally pries the box open.

Tinto:

Oh.

The child holds a copy of the 1997 release Postal.

Flynn Rider:

I’m told it’s just as inappropriate for minors as that other game you’ve been asking for...

Tinto:

Sure, Flynn.

Lower lip quivering, the dejected birthday boy shakes the small box, in case there is another gift inside. A better gift perhaps. There clearly isn’t, but that doesn’t stop Tinto from looking in an obviously disappointed manner.

Flynn Rider:

I also included a gift receipt so you could exchange it if you wanted Carmageddon or JFK Reloaded instead...

Tinto (holding the receipt):

...Cash is king.

Apparently Tinto’s sainted mother passed away before she had a chance to teach him how to be polite. Sinking, Flynn reaches into his costume and pulls out his wallet, handing the small child enough money to really get his Mom steamed at GameStop.

Tinto (pocketing Postal, but still smiling at money):

YAY! Thanks Mister Flynn!

Flynn Rider:

Now who is your favourite Disney princess?

Tinto:

ZORAN SAINOVIC!

Screw that! The popular Disney character rips off his giant novelty head, to reveal a furious Marty Donovan. This is an educational moment!

Marty Donovan:

Tinto- for the last time, Zor-

Before Marty can continue his rant, Zoran Sainovic walks past him. The boy wasn’t answering Flynn’s question, but rather greeting the guest behind him. The enthusiasm displayed by the child is mainly for potential presents.

Zoran Sainovic:

Here’s zat zing you wanted-

Tinto snatches the gift away with enough force to almost knock over the X*Crown champion. Sainovic rotates his working arm to make sure the scamp didn’t yank it out of the socket.

Tinto:

Mister Sainovic... 

There is a Legend of Zelda treasure chest reveal music cue, as Tinto holds a copy of DOOM VR up in the air.

Tinto (tears of joy):

How did you know?

Zoran Sainovic:

When you wish upon a star, right, Marty?

Oh no he didn’t! Marty Donovan is about to throw down, only he forgot to bring his Dan Stein confidence... because this was supposed to be a children’s party. Pin the tail on the donkey is a hard sell for Stein. Ignorant to the icy glare that Marty shoots the champ’s way, the child beams at the game. He can now die happily, knowing at six that his life has achieved its purpose, and will never get better. Tinto gets a little emotional. This moment has been a long time coming. 

Tinto (holding back the tears):

You’re the best, Princess Sainovic!

What the hell is that supposed to mean? No. No. Keep it together. Don’t ruin the child’s moment. Calm blue ocean! Feeling uncomfortable for flying off the handle at the little boy, a practice that is generally frowned upon in the Disney handbook, Marty tries to play it cool.

Marty Donovan:

Wow, DOOM VR? Congratulations Tinto. Though Postal is a very violent game as well. The important thing is you have a happy birthday-

Norman Krabbe (in between mouthfuls of cake):

Who told you it was his birthday?

Marty Donovan:

I received an invite that-

Norman Krabbe (shaking an ice cream covered spoon in protest):

He was born in August-

Wandering away from one of the catering tables, last season’s Sippy Cup winning driver is enjoying cake, but takes time to causally drop this birthday fact on Marty.

Tinto:

Excuse me while I save the world-

Not wanting to give back his ill-gotten gifts, Tinto runs off as fast as his little legs can carry him. They are surprisingly quick, though the escape would be easier if the child weren’t holding so many presents. Almost walking into a wall, the boy resolves that the next heist that Tinto’s Eleven goes on will feature a proper getaway driver. You’d think that would be easy to find in CAR, but you’d be surprised...

Marty Donovan:

The invitation clearly said birthday party-

Zoran Sainovic:

Marty, my dear sweet friend, would you have shown up otherwise?

Shaking with rage, Marty grabs a knife off the catering table and stabs Zoran in the back! See how he likes being stabbed for a change! 

#TH-WINK#

Sadly its one of those plastic knives found at children’s parties that wouldn’t actually cut anything. Possibly Jell-O, but certainly not skin. The cheap bright green plastic edge of the fake blade shatters against Sainovic’s back. Despite the multitudes of bruises delivered to him by Curtis D. Kanyon, which are making him extra sensitive to pain, Zoran doesn’t even register this shiv attack. 

Zoran Sainovic (oblivious to the attempted stabbing):

I’m sure you’ll have a blast, Marty - just don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.

With that the host continues to mingle. Insufferable! Turning back to the table, Marty starts looking for a cutting implement of substance.

Marty Donovan:

So what is this?

Norman Krabbe:

I was told this was a viewing party for Pinty’s Grand Slam of Curling.

Marty Donovan (shudder):

I can see that. ...Why on earth would you show up for something like that?

Norman Krabbe:

The host is one of my vehicles’ closest friends.

The Industrial Woman is tending a well stocked bar in the far corner of the hall. Rather than offer a sympathetic ear, I-W instead breaks down the ingredients of each drink to a painful degree. By the time videographer Jim Smalls pulls in for a tight close-up, she is explaining to Uncle that the Isopropyl Alcohol on tap is at 91 percent...

Uncle:

This is quite the bachelor party. Not every day a man is joined in a tag team though, so we might as well make the most of Death Trap’s last night as a singles wrestler.

Ian Brundle:

I’m almost positive that Death Trap has been happily tagging for some time. Pretty sure we’re here for a demonstration on exploding chipmunks.

I-W:

The most recent schematics suggest that the producers have increased the blast radius by twenty percent.

Ian Brundle:

Hot dog!

I-W:

Negative. These are chipmunks. Unless that was a mixed drink request?

Uncle:

Well, if it’s an open bar, I’m going to down these fireball cinnamon whisky mini bottles... no body mention this to my mother or my doctor.

With a fistful of the non-alcoholic bottles under his arm, Uncle swivels around to take in the rest of this suspect party. The camera pans along with Uncle’s eye line, moving across the large hall, which is filled with dozens of faces that will be familiar to CAR supporters. Always the most supportive of the network affiliates, CAR teams rarely air bomb other teams’s garages. So taken away from the competitive energy of the racing paddock, and these rivals actually seem quite friendly. 

DING DO-

#SMASH#

This tracking shot finally comes to an end on the front door, just as a dracolich crashes through it.

DINOSAUR BONES:

IS THIS WHERE THEY ARE OPENING THE NEW IHOP? I REQUIRE FIVE THOUSAND SMOKEHOUSE COMBOS... AND A MEDIUM COKE.

The Dread Lord has a flyer suggesting that an IHOP is waiting for him at this location, and seems rather disappointed that pancakes haven’t already greeted him. The bottomless pit is quickly followed by his Bad to the Bone partners in culinary crime, Lord Dominicus and Big Bone. Upon spotting Zoran, Dominicus body language sinks. Snatching the flyer out of Bones’ tiny t-rex paws – LD holds it up to the X*Crown champion.

Lord Dominicus:

Is this your doing?


It seems the Bad to the Bone crew might still be a little testy about Sainovic rolling the Dominicruiser into a swimming pool.

Zoran Sainovic:

I think ze fast food restaurant is moving into my living room next week – bad timing zat.

Lord Dominicus:

Let’s g-

Zoran Sainovic (pointing a thumb):

Ze food is back zere, Bones.

Dinosaur Bones:

I WILL LEAVE ROOM FOR DESERT, AND COME BACK TO FINISH YOU APE!

Despite the threats, little stops Bones from lumbering towards the catering table.

Zoran Sainovic:

Looks like you guys are going to be here for a while – (malevolent chuckle) have a good time.

Lord Dominicus:

Domini-darn.

Not able to stand between Bones and cocktail weenies, a dejected Lord Dominicus and Big Bone stomp after the rampaging dracolich. Despite the dinosaur sized hole in the entrance, the doorbell rings.

DING DONG!

“(Ichiken! IamsoexcitedforthisUltraManconvention!)”

“(ULTRAMANTAROFORTHEWIN! Shikenthisisgoingtobethebestnightofourlives!)”

“(AliensbetterwatchoutwhentheUltrasareonthescene!)”

Mach-Go-Go-Go-Go run in, apparently still easily excitable, and under the impression that this is an Ultra Man convention. The glazed look in their eyes is easily explained by the appearance of Dr. Doofenshmirtz, who enters behind them.

Zoran Sainovic:

Zank you for assuring zeir attendance, doctor.

Dr. Doofenshmirtz:

My pleasure Mister Sainovic – after all, I would have brain washed them anyway. After this they are turtle waxing my wheels.

Big Bone:

So is everyone here under falsos pretextos?

Leonidas:

I heard this was a pizza party, dude.

Xerses:

Cowabunga!

Before TTT can bust out some Reggae themed Christmas songs to make everyone remember why The Turtles were so over, a piercing tap cuts in. A spoon repeatedly strikes a glass of champagne, drawing attention to a banister where the evening’s host stands. This clinking sound is no easy task with one hand.

Zoran Sainovic:

Friends. It strikes me zat zis GUNS and CAR feud has gone entirely too long, ze violence is now senseless, and ze amount of lives lost? Deplorable. I have no doubt zat ze beloved Dinosaur Bones and widower Wombat will settle zeir differences in ze ring at Supremacy. ...But where does zat leave ze rest of us? Burying ze hatchet, naturally. Why should you all suffer for my disagreements with Memaw? So I have decided to zrow tonight’s party as an olive branch... I hope you all have a good time at my expense...

The general rumbling of the group seems to approve of this peaceful gesture.

Zoran Sainovic:

...And if I can use your appearances to prove a point? More power to me.

The grumbling following this amended announcement is less agreeable.

Zoran Sainovic:

For you see one of your CAR own is with child, and what better time to zrow...

COPYCAT’S BABY SHOWER

A large banner unfurls, naming the event that most of CAR has been duped into attending. The only notable absence is Brittney Behr – since her homicidal fans are still sending the champion death threats for stealing End of Days from her.

Zoran Sainovic:

I wanted to do something nice for Copycat. You see, it is very important zat he gives birth before our upcoming match- can you explain, Dr. East?

Dr. Dilbert East:

During the gestation period, the fetus is susceptible to outside factors that can affect its developmental process-

Zoran Sainovic:

Forgive me, Doctor... but it strikes me zat Copycat might understand better if you illustrate it with action figures-

Shrugging, Doctor East produces two plastic figurines from Mattel’s AWF series 4, and starts to smash them together in a violent enough manner that even Copycat might feel his unborn hopefully imaginary child threatened. The mood of the room is decidedly uncomfortable at this graphic presentation.

Zoran Sainovic:

Copycat... you have just as much right to be in ze Supremacy main event as Raiden Ishimori or Steve Awesome. Zose two couldn't even bother to avoid other bookings.  SCCW couldn't find a Harbinger substitute for one night?  Frustrating.  You are a championship worthy contender. I see ze people you surround yourself with; I hear how you speak about yourself... I can see ze self-doubt, and crippling self-loathing... but you are wrong to doubt your abilities. You are a top athlete. Hell, you were my pick to win ze 2021 Rumble. I’m not saying zat Dylan didn’t deserve zat win, or convincingly clobber everyone else involved in ze match – but going into it? I had money on you. A better draw number zat day, and who knows – you might have already been ze X*Crown champion by now. Probably still Dylan, but you never know.  Zings went a different direction zat night, but you are still a human being... worthy of respect... at least basic dignity.

Since Doctor East directed his comments to the camera, Sainovic has now taken to directly address it as well. Realizing they’ve accidentally been roped into a promo video, the various CAR guest stars generally ignore the monologue – focusing on food, friends, and copious free liquor.

Zoran Sainovic:

Do not be a doormat, be a man... a pregnant man. You see Copycat; at Supremacy I plan on treating you like a trampoline. Jumping up and down on your malnourished stomach, getting higher and higher, as I see if I can touch ze rafters. I will squish you into a fine jelly, until you stand up for yourself.  Abuse you until you rise to ze occasion.  If Doctor East’s tableau has sunk in, you understand how important it is for you to deliver a bouncy baby... zing... before Supremacy. Because during ze match, it is not going to be safe for it.  You have never been against an opponent quite like me, I respect you too much to pull my punches, it is going to hurt, and to be honest, what happens to your theoretical little one?  I don’t want zat on my conscience. To zat end, as an incentive to finally deliver on ze promise of your loins, I’ve decided to zrow you zis baby shower. A reminder of what you have, and stand to lose, if you forget what is important... but primarily a celebration.  I hope you enjoy.

As the Final Boss forces a warm smile, the camera pans back to the festivities where various baby shower games are being attempted – primarily thanks to liquid courage. A game of “Who Knows Mommy Best” is currently stumping contestants with questions about which bridge is the best to sleep under. Dinosaur Bones is kicking ass at “Are You That Baby” – though the other participants MIGHT be letting him win. Still in a foul mood over Sainovic giving the better birthday gift, Marty is actively bursting balloons to take the lead in “Did My Water Break.” Dozens of games bring the federation locker room together. In fact, the only clear snub is the expectant parent – but Zoran managed to rope in the XHF knockoff of Gilberg to be the centre of attention. It might actually be another derelict, acting as a stand in for the honoured guest, but the thought remains. 

Zoran Sainovic:

I even baked Copycat zis cake...

It is a shame Copycat couldn’t be here in person, but how would that even work? Hopefully it doesn’t break him when Zoran blows all the candles out on the cake. Which just happened.

Dr. Ovi Kintobor:

Have we discovered how this anomaly came about, and what the end result will be?

Bogdan Tomas:

Yeah, anyone know the gender of the kid, anyway?

Zoran Sainovic (removing candles joins the conversation while working the floor):

Probably a hand.

Billy Lastname:

Well as long as it’s not some freakish car wolf hybrid-

“Hey! 3:<”

Billy Lastname:

Just kidding Armbishi – saw you over there! Here let me buy you a fireball cinnamon whisky...

As the merriment continues with a C4 based variation on change the plastic doll’s diaper, The Final Boss again takes the camera to one side.

Zoran Sainovic:

What happened after ze Rumble, Copycat? Or right... you kind of disappeared. Well it was disappointing, but a lot has happened in ze almost two years since zen. Not zat we’d know it from your promotional videos – which seem to have picked up right where zey left off... almost like years hadn't passed. With ze highly comical hijinks of Bradshaw, you finding your way in ze world, just charmingly entertaining antics zat I’m sure ze XHF fans greatly enjoy... (eyes narrow) without really giving your opponents much to work with in terms of speaking points. More power to you, but it sends ze wrong message... not zat you need an image consultant Copycat, but it feels like you aren’t up on ze current product.

Zat is perfectly reasonable, since you get most of your XHF News from Bradshaw, who kind of checked out with ze Ascension Wrestling Federation. Again, almost two years since zey’ve been relevant. So when you bandy about Mongo’s name, zat’s fantastic, he is a consistent figure in ze XHF... even if he’s been referenced by you in ze last week more zan he has on a global show since I’ve been with ze company. I am sure most fans hear you tease him, and go, "you know what?  That Copycat has definitely watched the XHF in the 2020s... I really identify with him."  Still, because Mongo is a big part of the XHF, we can see zose nods and know zat you do in fact know where you are. ...Zat is very promising.

Look around me. Zese are your rivals in CAR.

I had to lie to each and every one of zem to get zem here. Not because zey don’t all like you very much, and wish ze best for your child, Copycat. You just don’t spend zat much time zere… in ze federation you represent at Supremacy.

I’ve made a handful of guest appearances, usually calling for ze owner’s death, and it feels like I’m more CAR zan you are. Zan is a shame.  You might very well become ze X*Crown champion, but look around zis room... every single person here had as much right to zat spot as you did. I zink most people bet zat it would be Brittany Bear, oh excuse my accent, I meant to say, Brittany Bear... perhaps her hated Memaw, or any of Dominicus, H.R. Car-Wolf, Marty or Doofenshmirtz zat finally brought CAR ze crown. Zey are all certainly capable of it. Yet zey put zeir single interests aside so zat you could have zis opportunity. Bradshaw didn’t get you to ze plate, oh no, if AWF nostalgia was worth a nickel – Dillinger would have brought an interim Prestige title to ze crown ages ago. You have ze talent to get zere yourself, Copycat, but ze path you took to your current shot? You have zese people around me to zank. Not zat we'd know it from your videos.  Let zat sink in. Oh, you ran with ze shot, you made it your own... but did you use it to promote CAR once? 

CAR is a federation zat is very different zan ze other affiliates, it functions on race tracks instead of ze squared circle, and it puts out highly effective shows zat should be seen by more people. Ze only way to get CAR ze audience it deserves, is to actually go to zese global events and inform ze unenlightened just why its such a unique and wonderful place... certainly worthy of zeir attention. Yes, its quality is shared with other promotions, but ze way it presents its action? CAR is ze odd man out. In many ways, your career in wrestling is very similar to CAR on ze XHF Network... very different, but beautiful in your own respective ways.

...So I can’t begin to express how disappointing it is zat you squandered zis opportunity to let people know zat CAR is a zing. Even if you win ze crown, how many races are you actually planning to defend it in... because right now, it doesn’t look like you have an endgame beyond bragging. Zat’s cool, but I somehow expected more from you... Copycat. I know.  You were cutting interviews before me and Kanyon had even decided who you’d be facing. Ze facts weren’t important. If only you could out wrestle Dylan with just your unbridled enthusiasm, you’d be ze X*Crown champion already. You have had an impressive stream of consciousness, which I applaud. For all ze material you’re recording, however, you would zink you’d mention your host federation once... 

I hope you’ll rectify zat oversight before ze event, I’m sure you will. Too little, too late perhaps, but at least you’re trying. Still, take it as food for zought ze next time you want to represent ze Network. Actually acknowledging ze place zat put your name forward is ze right zing to do. Maybe you can use zat advice for zis year’s Rumble? Zough I feel like win or lose, we may not see you for some time.

Before Sainovic can begin to teach Copycat shame, the doorbell rings. 

DING DONG!

Familiar hair can be seen through the dinosaur-sized hole in the doorframe, even if the person standing there is too polite to walk through it.

Bob the Immortal:

OH NO, IT’S MEMAW!

Uncle:

Quick everyone get out of here, if she sees us with Zoran - SHE'LL SHOOT US OUT OF A CANNON!

Bogdan Tomas:

She'll do that cannon thing anyway, but (looks down in pain) ...it will feel more personal.

Dinosaur Bones:

I FEAR NO FLESHLI-

Bad to the Bone use a mcnugget attached to a stick by a string to lead the ornery dread lord to safety – effectively saving his undead life. The CAR crews scatter like roaches. The homeless guy that Zoran paid to stand in for the real Copycat has no reason to run from this new presence, and politely crosses the room, opening what is left of the door to reveal Grandma Mary holding a large tray.

Grandma Mary:

I hope everyone brought their sweet tooths, I made peanut brittle!

The room is almost empty. You have never seen CAR racers move so fast. ...Some of them might be hiding under the couch.

Grandma Mary:

Where is the expectant mother? I bet she looks radiant.

"Memaw."

The one person who truly doesn't fear the CAR owner, snarls from across the room.

Zoran Sainovic:

You know how many people have peanut allergies, you monster?

Grandma Mary:

Bless your heart. You have a lot to learn about hospitality.

Zoran Sainovic (starring daggers):

Well why don't you teach me. You may have fooled ze others with ze sweet senior citizen act, but I see right zrough you, hell-beast.

Grandma Mary:

Who hurt you?

She won't break the friendly calm. Zoran on the other hand is perpetually driven to his base villainous impulses in the older woman's presence, and immediately brandishes his trusty sickle.

Grandma Mary:

That looks awfully sharp, mind you don't hurt yourself.

Zoran Sainovic:

Zat does it-

The Final Boss charges at the senior citizen with his razor sharp weapon. Memaw simply holds up her peanut brittle. Seconds before the two can come to blows, we cut to a freeze frame- not unlike Martial Arts films from the 70s.

The tableau teasing a climactic battle between GUNS and CAR soon cuts too black.

What sounds like a horrific scuffle can be heard, despite the total darkness offered by the screen.

Almost as upsetting as the sounds of breaking glass is the silence that follows it.

---

After what feels like an eternity, the picture returns – to find the house in ruins.

Balloons are popped, banners torn to shred, furniture turned over, and couches only in a semi-fortress state. The catering tables have been smashed, with food now covering the floor – there seem to be small fires dotting the background carnage.

It is hard to wrap one’s mind around what just transpired to completely trash the large hallway, but one thing is certain...

...something bad happened here.

“huuuh...”

Sounds of suffering. The camera follows a hacking cough over to the shattered chandelier, where the X*Crown champion lies in a heap of blood and crystals. His designer clothing has been torn to pieces, and Sainovic is partially pinned to the ground by a grand piano that has been shifted onto his leg. Is Memaw a badass killing machine? There are no signs of Grandma Mary, or any other party participant – but it is clear that either Sainovic got the worst of the exchange, or this was one hell of a party.

Jim Smalls:

Oh my gosh – are you alright, Zoran?

The video bounces as Sainovic’s friend struggles to shift the piano off of him.

Zoran Sainovic:

Hruuuuh-

#SLAM#

Zoran Sainovic:

Fine. Zank you, Jim. 

Jim Smalls:

How did that happen?

Zoran Sainovic:

Ze problem with fighting windmills... ze propellers swing back.

Concerned about his delirious associate, Sancho Panza puts down the camera to get the older man a stiff drink. If only the whisky had whisky in it. Leave it to Zoran to get the event sponsored by the one mini hard liquor that is non-alcoholic. Given the pregnancy theme, that was probably conscious. What a magnificent face. While Smalls reflects on how much Sainovic has grown as a person, and how lucky everyone is to know him – the Final Boss waves the camera back up.

Zoran Sainovic:

Don’t worry about it, Jim... keep it rolling.

The image wavers as Smalls starts to lift the camera, thinks twice about it, before giving in to the subject’s request.

Zoran Sainovic:

Burning ze candle at both ends. I knew my luck wouldn’t hold out. But to be defeated twice in one week... zis is going to be a bitter pill...

A sinister smile creeps across thin, bloodstained lips.

Zoran Sainovic:

You won’t understand zis Copycat... but if you win? Zat is a victory for me.

Pulling back the bloody flap that was his coat, Sainovic reveals the Fireside world championship – the only belt in the X*Crown collection that has actually been placed around his waist. It too is covered in blood.

Zoran Sainovic:

My latest run... has all been about ze pursuit of righteous vengeance. In crushing Caff’s legacy under my heel, I essentially ran out of pivotal antagonists zat I needed to get revenge on. I have a knack for discovering old wrongs... but realistically, Caffrey was ze last of the big ones zat were actually available to me. If you are ze one zat finally undoes my reign, Copycat, it is because my modus operandi doesn’t apply to your sweet view of ze world.

Would I then add you to my enemy list, use you to continue ze never-ending cycle of hate zat prevents me from retiring? No. Of course not. Who could be angry at you for succeeding?

Yet zat potential victory does not make you a rival... but rather an accomplice in my last laugh.

The smile gets bigger.

Zoran Sainovic:

As I told Cross Recoba... when I first hit ze global scene, ze AWF basically had its run of ze XHF. I stopped zat. Immediately. I took ze crown from Maverick, and despite zeir best efforts, zey were never able to recover it. Zey struggled greatly without it. Frankly zey were never ze same. Ascension folded without ever knowing actual SUPREMACY again. Oh zey sent stars to reclaim it... many stars... but zey just weren’t good enough.

So Copycat... if you actually win zis crown?

Zank you.

Your dated points of reference make it feel like you are trying to win it for ze AWF anyway, alluding to its history far more zan your current federation, so ze comparison is apt. Yes, you winning would be a fitting fuck you to all ze Michael Storms, Jeffrey Vipers, Natashas, Jason Longs, Jackson Steeles, Chris Cards, Cross Recobas, Dakota Jennings, Seth Dillingers, Bobby Barratts, Vincent Dravens, Adam Sanders, and I certainly can’t forget my dearest friend, Fox... all ze Ascension greats zat weren’t quite good enough to win ze crown back. ...Zat weren’t as good as you. Zose joke characters. I am not saying Jeffrey Viper is a joke; your victory would just underline zat he is just not as good as you, Copycat.

I really hope you get a chance to make zat official.

To piss on ze AWF’s grave, legacy, what few fans might remain… spit on zem, for all Ascension’s obscene posturing... zat bizarre sense of entitlement... ze nonsensical elitism zat looked down on you, or scoffed at anyone else who wasn’t in zeir little club? Ze look on Maverick’s face will be priceless.

Hell, for a chance to finally put zat shit show of a federation in its place, or simply beat it as ze dead horse it is, I’m pulling for you, Copycat!

A fiendish chuckle soon turns into a bloody cough. It is still unclear who destroyed Zoran Sainovic, but Memaw may have ruptured his lung. As the champion starts to black out, the one remaining CAR participant re-joins the party.

Tinto:

I took the batteries out of the smoke detector.

Proud of his MacGyver efforts, Tinto has finally got his VR headset working. Placing the large contraption over his head, the little boy finally achieves nirvana by playing DOOM VR!

All is right with the world.

Until five seconds into the game, when Tinto rips the helmet off and tosses it away.

Sniff.

Sniff.

Sniff.

Be brave.










Nope.

Tinto:

MOMMMMMMMMY!

The little boy cries, clearly upset by the violent video game that wasn’t appropriate for his age group. They put warnings on those things for a reason.

Consider yourself warned.

[mosler]

Cameo thanks to h2f, Kelly, Peter, DT, Mongo, mtc (who is definitely a different person), Kira & Dylan for the TTT return we all want to see.