GUN Show s4e5: APRIL FOOLS SPECIAL
Mar 31, 2023 15:28:22 GMT -5
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Mongo the Destroyer, Kira Izumi, and 3 more like this
Post by Venom 🕷 on Mar 31, 2023 15:28:22 GMT -5
BOOM! BANG! POW!
Welcome to another episode of the Gun Show!!! The crowd is hot on April Fools Day as we pan around we see the screaming fans and signs like “Why is Tom Phillips nicknamed ‘Rock Hard,’” “Where have all the jobbers gone?” and “I came all the way from Athens to see Dylan Black.” Soon we stop on Magnus and Tom Phillips. Tom winks creepily into the camera before Magnus begins.
Magnus: Welcome to the Gun Show!
Phillips: We’re packed full of action tonight.
Magnus: And it all starts right now with the XHF Junior Heavyweight Championship match!
Phillips: That’s right and Kris Quake is already in the ring.
We cut to the ring and we see the better half of Off the Wagon standing alone in the ring, but something is off about his appearance.
Magnus: He is in the ring indeed, and he’s truly representing Super Saki tonight as he’s in his Saki mascot costume for some reason.
Phillips: I think the reason is branding, but I’m pretty sure he exceeds the weight requirements in that outfit.
Magnus: Well he weighed in fine yesterday.
”HOOOOOOOOOOOOWL”
“All rise fore the king of all wolves now arrives.”
The voice of James Earl Mother Fucking Jones echos over the speakers. How did he get James Earl Jones to say that? It wasn’t a Cameo I’ll tell you that and it cost a pretty penny. Shortly after James Earl Jones speaks Big Sean’s “Wolves” begins to play. El Rey strolls onto the stage wearing the mask he stole off of the head of El Combatiente. He looks around soaking up there surroundings before ripping the mask off of his head and revealing his cocky smirk he inherited from his father. He strolls down the ramp ignoring the outstretched hands of the fans until he reaches the ring. At ringside he leaps up onto the apron and then over the ropes and spins around in the ring with his arms outstretched. He spins around a couple times and then moves to the corner waiting for the match to begin.
Phillips: The young champ is here and he doesn’t seem to care what Quake is wearing.
Magnus: That’s because he’s a professional and that’s why he’s the secret ingredient to BEEF winning the rumble.
XHF Junior Heavyweight Championship Match
GUNS Junior Heavyweight Gauntlet Match
Kris “Triple” Quake vs El Rey (c)
The bell rings and El Rey walks straight to Quake in his oversized suit. He looks him up and down and laughs. He jaws at Quake more, but Quake just responds with laughter. El Rey responds with a left kick, a right kick, a forearm to the chest, another forearm to the chest, and finally a spinning back fist. Quake should be staggered, but the big fluff of his costume renders him unharmed. He continues to laugh at his young opponent. El Rey frustrated swings with a straight right to the face hole, but Quake drops his head into the suit and punches through the hole making no contact.
Phillips: I can’t believe I’m saying this, but Quake might be a genius.
Magnus: He sure seems to have protected himself from any and all attacks from El Rey so far.
Phillips: He ate those blows for lunch and I’m not sure what else El Rey can throw at him.
El Rey removes his hand from the whole and Quakes face quickly pops back into view. With El Rey frustrated Quake takes the opportunity to swing with a with a right, but the weight of the costume makes his attack slower than normal and El Rey easily ducks it and shoves Quake in the back. Quake bounces against the ropes and El Rey drops to the ground and trips Quake dropping him to the ground. Quake hits the mat and, well, begins to flail like a fish. He can’t get up in that suit. Now it’s El Rey’s time to laugh as he motions to the ref to make the ten count. 1, 2, 3…Quake is able to get over onto a side…4, 5, 6…Quake manages to roll onto his belly…Quake begins to push himself up…7, 8, 9…Quake falls flat not being able to get his legs under him and the heavy suit…10!
Winner and STILL XHF Junior Heavyweight Champion & moving on in the GUNS Junior Heavyweight Gauntlet: El Rey
Phillips: I take back everything I said. Quake is still a drunk idiot.
Magnus: Yeah, no worse way to lose than your own plan backfiring.
Phillips: And now El Rey is celebrating like he won the Super Bowl.
Magnus: Yeah, I may like the kid, but let’s cut to a segment.
Backstage we find Javier and Venom standing in Venom’s office. The TV is on in the background, but we drown out that noise to hear an argument taking place between the two.
Javier: You messed up!
Venom: How is it my fault? I did everything I could to throw that match and still look good. How was I supposed to know they’d knock themselves out?
Javier: By not letting it get to that point.
Venom: Come on man. I’m doing you a favor here. We don’t even know if your friend is going to come back.
Javier: He will damn it!
Venom: Calm down. I didn’t mean it like that. I know what you’re going through. I was missing and some imposter took my place to promote a movie.
Javier: This isn’t the same tho. My friend is missing and I have to keep him alive as long as I can.
Venom: I get it man. I’ll do better, and we’ll find your friend. Right now, though, let’s get out there and watch the show.
Venom pats Javier on the back and the two of them leave the office together, in a better place than when they started. As they exit, though, we pick up on the sound from the TV.
BREAKING NEWS out of Japan. One of the many John Does from the Tokyo disaster has awoken. This particular John Doe has been to this point unidentified because he had something burned onto his face. Doctors hope to soon get the identity of this man.
We return to ringside in time for barking dogs and offkey piano to herald the arrival of the King Submaxiswear. Stepping through the entrance and adjusting his tie as 'The Notorious & Legendary Dog & Pony Show' by Firewater kicks in, he surveys the crowd, his expression unreadable beneath his mask. Whatever his thoughts on the booing audience, who can just sense that he's a wrong 'un, The Colourless King saunters his way down the ramp and calmly walks up the ring steps, followed by the hulking form of SEIRIOS. He wipes his feet on the apron and steps between the ropes as his giant associate intimidates the timekeeper for a microphone. SEIRIOS steps in over the ropes and hands the mic to Submaxiswear, who taps it to make sure it’ll carry his voice over the boos.
Phillips: Do we really have to hear from this guy?
Magnus: Look, it was this or the Discovery+ Alien reading Vogon poetry. I went with the lesser of two evils…
Submaxiswear: Good people of the GUNS Universe, what a treat you have in store for you tonight! Not only are you getting to hear me speak, but later you will witness the long overdue end of Zoran Sainovic at the hands of my dear friend Bloodied Fox.
The white clad figure pauses, somehow simultaneously seeming to be ignoring the jeers of the audience and soaking them in.
Submaxiswear: And that is just an apéritif for the feast of violence you will witness at the XHF Rumble, when my good friend eliminates all who stand in his way to finally take his rightful place as the X*Crown champion! Through his reign, the Illuminati will spread its glorious light out across the whole XHF Network! The darkness will be eradicated! The villainous will be overthrown!
Magnus: He sounds awfully confident given Fox has never won the Rumble. There’s a lot of tough guys in that match.
Phillips: Didn’t you accidently enter yourself in the Rumble as well?
Magnus: …Why did you have to remind me?
Submaxiswear: The most beautiful part? There is no-one who can stop us…
??: I beg to differ…
Submaxiswear’s head snaps around at the interruption, turning to face the entranceway. The crowd explodes in cheers as a familiar face emerges from behind the curtain.
Phillips: No way! I thought he was dead!
Magnus: That didn’t stop Spike Kane, did it?
A familiar contemptuous smirk on his face, former two time X*Crown champion Misha Constantine lets the warm reception wash over him for a moment before continuing.
Misha: I don’t know why you’re acting surprised. You wanted my attention. Hell, you practically begged for it when you jumped Glimmergrin. Now you’ve got it. I dragged myself away from my kingdom, my Discordian Court, to give you what you asked for, and to teach you to be a lot more careful in asking for it.
If Submaxiswear is indeed perturbed to see Constantine before him, he manages to keep it under control. Adjusting his tie, he leans against the ropes.
Submaxiswear: If I had a bald spot, I’d be rubbing it and saying ‘fine speech’, because we both know you’re all talk. You’re bound by rules, Misha. You aren’t allowed to physically involve yourself in this plane of existence, and we’ve already proved your pathetic minions are no match for us. So do us all a favour and go back to your little corner of damnation and write a sulky blog post about Hogwarts Legacy or something.
The crowd boos at that jibe, while Misha himself simply gives a snort of derision.
Misha: Droll. Still, you’re right about one thing; I am not allowed to involve myself physically here. But then, why would I have to when you’ve already pissed off other people who can do it for me…
The crowd erupts as three figures emerge from under the ring and slide into it.
Phillips: I recognise those guys! That’s Feral from Renegades of Wrestling… and Johnny Five from IPW!
Magnus: Ah shit, and Jackalope from TAPOUT! I just know Recoba’s gonna phone me after this…
Submaxiswear turns at the crowd reaction, just in time to take an Unlucky Rabbit’s Foot right to the face! He drops and rolls to the outside as SEIRIOS eats a double dropkick from Feral and Five. The big man keeps his feet and swings wildly for a lariat, but all three of his adversaries duck underneath. Leaping at his back, Jackalope locks on Schrödinger’s Box, as Feral runs up the turnbuckles and drills the big man with Claw Swipe Left. Staggering back, an big leaping forearm by Johnny sends SEIRIOS over the ropes, Jackalope releasing the hold and grabbing the ropes to pull himself in. SEIRIOS somehow manages to land kneeling, an apoplectic King Submaxiswear beside him, rapidly switching from looking at the three men in the ring to the cruelly grinning Misha at the top of the ramp. SEIRIOS stands and makes to go for the ring, but Submaxiswear touches his arm and gestures to the side, the two heading off through a gap in the crowd, who mock them for cowardice as they make a tactical retreat.
Phillips: Well, it looks like we finally have some evidence this Illuminati won’t have everything their own way! I can’t wait to see what happens next…
Magnus: Just so long as I’m not paying these guys as well…
GUNS.
Backstage.
Magnus is...
WALKING.
Until he notices the door to his office open-
...then he is walking FAR LESS casually.
Who am I kidding, it's more of a run.
Magnus: God damn Zoran trying to take over my-
Unboxed Ken exits, quickly closing the door behind him.
Magnus: Ken?
Unboxed Ken (looking up, startled): OH MAGNUS - hello.
Magnus: What were you doing in my-
Unboxed Ken: Just looking for you, of course. You know - a lot of people treat you like you're a heavy, but I just wanted to say I know how hard it is keeping his federation afloat, and you're doing a bang-up job.
Magnus (clearly touched): It's nice for someone to finally-
The door opens. A five-year-old looks up with wide hazel eyes.
Wally 6: Uncle Ken - Wally broke your world's greatest mug-
Unboxed Ken (trying to pull the door shut): Don't worry about it-
Magnus: What was that?
Unboxed Ken: What was what? I don't have great peripherals because of the bag... if only Mongo would win my box back.
Not buying it - Magnus kicks open the door to his office, where the Wombat quintuplets amongst many other Wombat progeny are treating his office like a playground.
Magnus: What did you do?
Unboxed Ken (holding out letter): This will explain... their father... La Authenica, has decided to enter rival federation DINOSAUR BONES to seek out his wife, the late Mrs. Wombat. You remember her getting eaten by Bones on our Halloween show? Well L.A. is convinced she's alive, and is mounting a rescue operation...
Magnus: That traitor - but that doesn't explain the- oh no-
Unboxed Ken: As his two closest friends, L.A. left the children in OUR care... but I've got a gig in Philly, so- thanks Magnus, you're the best!
The former Ken the Box makes a break for it.
Magnus: OH NO YOU DON'T!
Not wanting to be straddled babysitting the army of Wombat children, Magnus grabs Unboxed Ken by the waist.
Magnus starts to get Ken up with a belly-to-back suplex, only he ends up slipping on one of Wally IX's micro machines and it turns into a pretty brutal senton. Marsha Womba has watched enough wrestling to know that is when you slap the ground. 1. 2. 3. 4. 5? Sure.
Wallace Wombat: The winner of this match - UNCLE KEN!
The Wombat Family: YAY!
Wallace Wombat: So Uncle Magnus is going to look after us!
The Wombat Family: YAY!
While Magnus is still trying to peel himself off the concrete floor, Unboxed Ken runs away.
Magnus: Wait- COME BACK HERE YOU SON OF A (sees children) gun.
Latoya W: We wuv u unca Mag!
Damn it.
Magnus: Kids- I have a show to announce... don't burn the place down.
With that the Wombat family's new patriarch runs back to commentary.
"Fool."
Zoran Sainovic looks like a pin cushion after Fox's casket stunt on the St. Patrick Day special. Sitting in his locker room, with the lights out, shadows cover the bulk of the damage - but he is clearly looking worse for wear. At the moment, The Final Boss directs his one bloodshot eye into a mirror - possibly directing this putdown to himself.
Zoran Sainovic: Fox... I know you've lost your way... and am even willing to take some responsibility for your current temperament. But there is losing sight... and being completely blinded to the reality of the situation. I was your white whale. I was MOBY DICK. Oh it amused me to watch you chase that win... that impossible pinfall... but for all the suffering, you also grew. It made you better. The hunt helped you grow. Hell, I made you better. Only this situation? It can be charitably be chalked up to diminishing returns... the Fox I know wanted to beat me at my best... go out on the open seas and harpoon me. This? You playing into Venom's sadistic game... it's more like finding a beached whale, and posing for instagram shots.
The eye moves from himself to the camera.
Zoran Sainovic: ...This is not worthy of you, me, or us. So I will be doing my damnedest to keep our hunt going... and I might not be much to look at, but I was less than a week removed from the initial stabbing when I took you down on that scaffold. So despite appearances, don't sell me short yet... I have a tendency to surprise people. Steal victory from the jaws of defeat. So even if Venom has me done up on a silver platter, and your little St. Patrick's day stunt still has me bleeding...... I will still show you the folly of your ways, Ahab. I will survive this evening, get through this match, FRUSTRATE YOU AGAIN, FOX. Because I won't let you end this hunt like this... we still have a lot of growing to do, in fact, I might even make you regret thinking you could, Fox.
I might be a fool taking on one of my deadliest opponents in my current shape...
Still... for the fans...
One more time.
At the mention of the audience, a loud, thunderous applause echoes through the arena - even audible in Sainovic's dressing room. The Final Boss musters a broken smile, before turning back to bandaging his many injuries.
(The newly redesigned Phoenix championship hangs above the ring.)
Phillips: Up next is an unlikely battle. Wrestling legend and Disney spokesperson Marty Donovan defends his title against Doug in a ladder match.
Magnus: Yes, all of GUNS’ hopes rest with the guy who sets up chairs.
(“Fly Away” by Asami Izawa starts playing as Disney's Marty Donovan steps out to the stage wearing the iconic red and black gi from Bloodsport. The crowd usually boos Marty, but this time they cheer in surprised delight.)
Magnus: Why are they cheering him now? Marty stole our belt!
Phillips: We’re getting a blast from the past! Marty is coming out as The Rising Sun, the wrestling persona he became famous under. Donovan was a Japanese crowd favorite back in the day.
Magnus: A white guy called The Rising Sun? That’s the dumbest name I’ve ever heard.
Phillips: He won the Hardkore Nippon Grand Championship and had legendary matches against Tuxedo Mask, Death Gojira, and Jojo Sushi.
Magnus: Okay, fourth dumbest name.
(Marty steps into the ring and pouts, clearly not here of his own free will.)
(“Adore You” by Harry Styles begins to play and the camera cuts to the parking lot. Doug steps out of a limo. He's not wearing his usual wrestling outfit, but instead, he's dressed in a flashy, sequined women’s suit, complete with a top hat and boa. He looks like Harry Styles, or at least, he thinks he does. As he begins to dance his way through the backstage area towards the ring, he's met with a mix of confused and amused stares.)
Phillips: It looks like we have a new member of One Direction joining us tonight!
Magnus: Marty is cursing up a storm. He must really hate Harry Styles.
(Doug continues to strut around, high fiving fellow wrestlers and crew. He hops onto the catering table.)
Phillips: Doug's really getting into it, folks. He's even trying to dance on the catering table.
Magnus: Damn it, he’s ruining the discounted shrimp!
(Laughing, he begins to dougie while standing on a chair. A power wheel version of the Dragula car speeds into frame and takes the chair out. Doug flies through the air and crashes to the concrete with a thud.)
Phillips: Look out! Some masked child just crashed into the chair and sent Doug flying!
Magnus: That was intentional. This kid knows what he's doing. Here comes help!
(Wrestlers rush in to help Doug and confront the driver. The mystery child brandishes a weapon.)
Phillips: Is that a machete?! Who is this masked child and what is he doing with a weapon?!
Magnus: I don't know, but I think Doug's out cold. This is bad!
(The wrestlers scatter as the mystery attacker speeds away in his toy car. Back in the ring Marty pleads with the referee in vain. The match is called off. The Hardkore World champion falls to his knees and begins to sob uncontrollably.)
Phillips: Wow, Marty looks absolutely devastated.
Magnus: He must have really been excited to hurt Doug.
(Marty runs to the back as fast as his legs can carry him. He begins to interfere with the EMTs.)
Phillips: Marty pleading with the medical team to still let Doug wrestle or…ask for his ticketmaster login? No clue what that is about.
Magnus: Never mind that mouse moron! Some monster is turning my locker room into GTA 6! They’re three feet tall, wield a machete, and drive a power wheel. It could be anyone!
(The EMTs attempt to wheel Doug away as Marty pleads like a mad man. The shot fades out as he hops onto the stretcher and attempts mouth to mouth on the fallen ring crew member.)
Phillips: Well fans – it’s time!
Magnus: Forth times a charm-
Phillips: I really don’t think Fox is counting that shark cage match-
Magnus: Oh, but he’ll remember it when he’s carving his initials into Zoran’s bloated carcass!
Phillips: A stabbing in the 2020 Rumble led to one of the longest slow burn feuds in the history of the Network, but at Oh Violent Night 2 – Zoran Sainovic and Bloodied Fox burnt the house down!
Magnus: And let’s not forget, murdered announcers!
Phillips: That night, Sainovic retained his X*Crown – but the damage that Fox did, many attribute to Zoran’s subsequent loss to Steve Awesome.
Magnus: It was the ass kicking that kept giving.
Phillips: Then these hated rivals found themselves in the same bracket for End of Days 2022. In the first round, they both advanced, but in the quarterfinals – they literally brought the house down.
Magnus: Seriously, a scaffold fell on them!
Phillips: Sainovic claimed that victory too, on his way to winning the tournament. It was a loss that went a long way to cementing Sainovic as a fan favourite, while driving Fox into the ruthless beast he’s become...
Magnus: Zoran hasn’t faced THIS Fox, and I can assure you fans – his luck has run out.
Phillips: The latest in a series of trials that Venom is making Sainovic face, has to be considered his biggest challenge yet.
The camera cuts to Sylvia Starr in the ring.
Sylvia Starr: The following grudge match is NO HOLDS BARRED!!!
The crowd burst into cheers, as the house lights dim.
Sylvia Starr: Entering first...
Sylvia Starr: Coming to us from Reading, Berkshire, England – he stands at 5’9”, and weighs in at 196 pounds...
The Bloody Rain Maker
Scar Vulp
The Anti-Villain
BLOOOOOOOOOOOOOODIED FOOOOOOOOOOOOOX!!!!
The arena lights turn to a deep red as the harsh electronic beats and screeched vocals of 999999999 IN A DREAM slam into the speakers. The sinisterly masked figure of Bloodied Fox steps from behind the curtain and stalks down to the ring to the overwhelmingly negative response of the fans, the few who empathise still with his twisted resentment of the XHF and its audience drowned out by the jeers. Fox doesn't seem to care much, sliding into the ring and rising to one knee before tearing off his mask and looking around with narrowed gaze at all in attendance.
Sylvia Starr: And his opponent... standing at 6’1”, weighing in at 242lbs, coming to us from Atlanta, Georgia – please give a warm round of applause for...
THE FINAL BOSS –
ZORAN SAINOVIIIIIIIIIIIIIC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
“When the Man Comes Around” by Johnny Cash plays over the PA system. A series of white pyro explode in short bursts making their way up the entrance ramp, the final burst curing occurring just on the line...
#There's a man goin' 'round takin' names#
#And he decides who to free and who to blame#
#Everybody won't be treated all the same#
#There'll be a golden ladder reachin' down#
#When the man comes around#
A single gunmetal grey gloved hand holds back the curtains. Zoran Sainovic exits through them to a massive pop from the appreciative GUNS fans. The former commissioner is decked out in a white Armani suit. His left arm is still in a cast, heavily fortified, and wrapped to his body with an industrial brace and sling, that match the colour of the suit. He continues to sport an eye patch from Kris Quake’s hot sauce spree, while there is enough heavy tape to make him look like the mummy. The six months since his last match with Fox have not been kind.
Phillips: Zoran struggling to get down that aisle – but doing it for the fans!
Magnus: The putz won’t break his contract, and Venom will see him dead for putting El Rey in PRICE’s crosshairs!
The Final Boss enters the ring, cuing a final volley of white pyro.
#When the man comes around...#
Standing in the corner opposite Fox, a single sad eye sizes up the murderous rage on the other side of the ring.
DING! DING! DING!
Zoran starts to circle, looking to methodically feel out his rival – but Fox just explodes out of his corner.
Phillips: Fox charging in-
Magnus: YES!
#SMACK#
A standing sidekick catches Zoran square in the nose – rocking the older athlete so hard that he takes a step back. Clearly broken, blood starts to trickle down the right nostril. A gash appears on the ridge, matching the scar on Fox’s face. Quickly recovering, the bigger man throws down an overhand chop, but Fox seems to absorb it, while closing the distance with a hip attack that further knocks Sainovic back.
Phillips: Fox had a speed advantage before Sainovic turned into the Mummy, but really using it now-
Magnus: Zoran throwing his forearm smashes, but Fox just eating them, and coming back with shots of his own! I love it!
Phillips: Fox clearly in better shape, but he has to watch that his aggression doesn’t get the better of him-
The Final Boss brushes off a left jab, and fires off one of his PRESSURE POINTS – only Fox again manages to close the distance, ducking under with a VKO! The force sends Sainovic back into the ropes-
Phillips: Sainovic sent for a ride – comes back-
Magnus: MDK!
#SMACK#
Magnus: That’s going to leave a- oh, it actually did!
Sainovic’s nose looks broken in multiple places, as the former three time X*Crown champion hits the canvas like a ton of bricks. Not losing steam, Fox pounces on his prey – mounting for some ground and pound palm strikes, before peeling the old man off the canvas for a-
Magnus: DECENSION!!!
ONE!
TWO!
Phillips: Not sure if that would have gotten a three count, but Fox giving up the pin!
Magnus: He’s waited too long for revenge; the cover doesn’t matter to him-
Phillips: Given how long he's chased that pin, this seems fool hardy-
Magnus: The only fool is Zoran showing up for work, Fox had his number, and Zoran showing up? His pride just killed him!
A Saito Suplex is angled to drop Sainovic hard into the far corner, back first against the ring post. His arm in a sling, the Final Boss can’t even cover up as he falls back down to the canvas face first. Crumpled up like an accordion, Sainovic is in no shape to defend as Fox goes to down with a series of Kawada kicks – that set Zoran up for a facewash. The assault is so graphic and one sided, that the crowd begin pelting the ring with garbage.
Phillips: The crowd letting Fox know what they think of him-
Magnus: They should be throwing appreciative roses!
Fox pulls Sainovic out of the corner with another Saito suplex – the old man somehow manages to land on his feet, only to eat a boot to the midsection. Burying a knee in the ribs, Fox grabs a fistful of hair – and whips Sainovic into the ropes, letting him come off for-
Magnus: LEVIATHAN SUPLEX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
Phillips: YES!
Magnus: NO!
The crowd POP HARD, as the shambling corpse that is Zoran Sainovic manages to reverse it into a Friendly Conversation ’21!
Magnus: It’s not fair!
Phillips: FRIENDLY CONVERSATION ’21! Even I know this one – Sainovic’s patented submission hold has seen a lot of flash finishes-
Magnus: HANG ON FOX!
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
Driving his head back into Zoran’s broken nose, Fox effortlessly breaks the finisher. Zoran goes for another PRESSURE POINT, but Fox counters with a FASTER Bloody Rain to the cast – which shatters it.
Phillips: Fox just broke Zoran’s ca- LEVIATHAN SUPLEX!
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
ONE!
TWO!
THREE!
DING! DING! DING!
Sylvia Starr: THE WINNER OF THIS MATCH,
BLOOOOOOOOOOOOOODIED FOOOOOOOOOOOOOX!!!
The ring fills up with garbage, as Fox takes the time to hit a SECOND Leviathan Suplex on the unconscious Zoran.
Magnus: What a dominating performance!
Phillips: Fox just took Zoran apart-
Magnus: He’s been dreaming of this moment for close to THREE YEARS- and you know what, Tom? Sometimes dreams come true!
Phillips: Oh please!
A third Leviathan Suplex – causes security to have to keep fans from climbing guardrails. GUNS Arena looks ready to riot.
Bloodied Fox: Is that it?
Grabbing a microphone, Fox kicks some of the trash onto his downed rival.
Bloodied Fox: I’ve waited all this time – and you couldn’t even give me a decent five minutes. Shape the fuck up, Zoran. Is this it? No. NO! We are both in the Rumble. We will meet again! If you can’t muster more of a challenge THERE than you did tonight – I’m going to maim you. Forget end your career, it’s already over. No, I mean REALLY hurt you. April 30th. You have one month to pretend you're an athlete... or get your affairs in order, but one way or the other... this will be your end.
The crowd cheer.
Is Fox finally getting through to the sheep?
No, it’s Dylan.
The X*Crown Champion hits the ring. Fox leans back against the rope, falling nonchalantly to the outside. Dylan Black stands between Fox and the bloody husk of his tag team partner.
Magnus: Wait, the audience are even cheering Dylan? Can’t I catch a break!
The champion and Fox exchange icy glares, before security show Scar Vulp out. At the same time, another body hits the ring. Dylan seems taken aback, and ready to pounce – the crown kind of breeds paranoia that way. Copycat has found his way into the ring, and leans over the unconscious Sainovic – looking extremely upset for his dear friend.
Phillips: The champion looking out for his Super Frienemy – while Copycat is also checking on our former commissioner, who - gosh- I know Venom is obsessed with the idea that Zoran is faking it... but you can't fake that beating. That was hard to watch.
Magnus: With friends like these – its no wonder Zoran is a stain on the canvas! Keep acting like the big man Dylan, maybe Fox will get GUNS the X*Crown champion we so richly deserve!
Phillips: You know he’d just take it to Ascension.
Magnus: Fuck! I can’t win!
The last shot sees Fox starring daggers from the entranceway, while Dylan Black returns to hate. Copycat shakes the bloody ragdoll that is Zoran Sainovic, desperate for signs of life from his friend.
Phillips: Our next match sees the reigning X*Crown Champion Dylan Black defending against-
Magnus: Seriously? He snuck his way onto ANOTHER GUNS show?
Phillips: The contract he signed to become X*Crown Champion states he can only defend it here. And with the Rumble coming up, he's eager to get as many defenses in as he can before there's a chance he loses.
Magnus: Which he will.
Phillips: You know, you always say that, but-
Sylvia Starr: The following contest is scheduled for ONE FALL! And is for the XHF X*Crown Championship! Introducing first, from Hokkaido, Japan, he is the Heart of GUNS, DYLAAAAAAAAAAAN BLAAAAAAAAAAAACK!
The heavy strums of a guitar play as the lights dim and swirl around the arena.
All the spotlights convene on the stage where a figure rises from the stage. He slowly spins with his arm outstretched, the championships held in his hands.
Dylan flips his hair back as the lights come up with the chorus. Pausing at the top of the stage to the boos from the crowd, he offers no more than a smirk before walking down the ramp, a few ballsy fans pelting him with some trash as he makes sure to savor every second of this. He gets to where the ramp meets the ringside area and pauses, bouncing on the balls of his feet before walking to the steps. He gets up them and gets into the ring, standing in the center. Dylan raises his arm in the air, a fist in the pose of E.V.E. He turns to his corner, leaning into it while waiting for the match to start. Completely ignoring whoever may already be in or coming down to the ring.
Magnus: Ha. The champion, coming out first? Because Dylan is-
Phillips: Getting ready to announce an open challenge?
Magnus: FUCK!
Dylan Black: Alright alright, shut the fuck up Atlanta. It's April Fools today, and as much as I'd like to fool you all by saying there's no defense tonight I have to make sure I meet a personal quota of matches before I take my chances with the Rumble. Tonight's special handpicked opponent is someone who like me, shows a lot of Heart in GUNS. You could say that he's the only person who could make a claim to be Mr. GUNS.
Magnus: NO!
Dylan Black: That's right folks, my mystery opponent tonight... REDMUND FAUXRY!
There's a pause before "Gut Feeling" by DEVO plays and through the curtains walks... REDMOND FURY!
Redmond Fury: Hold on there Dylan. Now I'll have you know, there's nobody on this roster who goes by the name RedmUnd FAUXRY. As the locker room leader, it's my job to know everything and everyone back there. But, seeing as how that name sounds a whole hell of a lot like my name... I believe you've just invited me down for an X*Crown Championship match!
Phillips: April Fools, Dylan. The former Phoenix Champion, on his way down to the ring!
Magnus: This can't be happening. I should executive veto this!
Phillips: ...you can. You OWN GUNS.
Magnus: *whips out his phone* I have a better idea. *starts texting with one hand like crazy*
DING DING! DING DING!
Redmond and Dylan square up in the middle of the ring, they lock up in the classic collar-and-elbow tie-up hold! Redmond powers Dylan back to a corner and holds him there while the ref counts one, two, three, four, Redmond steps back with his hands up smiling as Dylan stares daggers at him. Dylan goes for an eye poke but Redmond catches his wrist and locks it behind his back, walking Dylan toward the center of the ring and lifting him up with a military press! Dylan tries to wriggle his way out of this but Redmond holds him up and drops him in the ring! He then runs the ropes, going for a splash on Dylan but Dylan rolls out of the way, running the ropes himself and nailing a low dropkick on the Buckeye Bruiser. Dylan takes a second to breathe, holding his back after that nasty fall from seven feet in the air. Dylan pushes himself up and walks over to Fury, stomping a mudhole in the former AWF wrestler!
Phillips: You know Dylan almost signed with AWF in 2021. I wonder what would have happened if these two juggernauts squared off in Ohio back then.
Magnus: *furiously typing* It would have sucked.
Phillips: Magnus, can we get your take on the rumored AWF revival coming soon?
Magnus: No. *puts his phone down*
Dylan has Fury in an arm bar, but the massive Redmond powers out of the submission and pulls Dylan into a ripcord lariat! Fury turns the X*Crown Champion inside out and then drops a knee on Dylan! The champ squirms under the weight of the girthy knee on him as Redmond simply smiles and poses for the crowd. Come on, you posed enough already! Redmond steps off of Dylan who rolls over and kicks him in the leg! This brings Fury down to a knee and Dylan grabs him by the head, DDTing him onto the mat! Dylan spins around Redmond, locking in a Coquina Clutch sleeper! Redmond is starting to fade on the mat as Dylan whispers sweet nothings in his ear, perhaps reciting a bedtime story to get the big man to honk mi mi mi. Redmond's eyes begin to flutter and he starts slumping over. The referee comes in and lifts his arm and it falls over. ONE! The ref muscles Redmond's big meaty arm up a second time and it falls. TWO! Once more, Redmond's arm is lifted but IT STAYS IN THE AIR! HIS EYES FLY OPEN AS IF A NEW LIFE HAS BEEN BREATHED INTO HIM!
Magnus: Fury is back in this. Fantastic.
Phillips: Could you be any more biased? Fury's trying to make an honest living.
Magnus: Maybe when this match ends in a few minutes.
Redmond powers into a standing position and shoves Dylan up and off of him. The X*Crown Champion flies into a corner and Redmond smashes him with a splash! Dylan stumbles out, mere moments from nailing a Flair Flop and Redmond runs the ropes, BUCKEYE SHOT! DYLAN IS SPEARED OUT OF NOWHERE AND IS DOWN FOR THE COUNT. A medicine ball gets tossed into the ring and while Redmond appreciates the workout, he doesn't use weapons and decides to toss it back. But it's in this moment a fatal mistake is made, as his back is turned away from one side of the ring where someone with a large reflective piece of glass is rolling into the ring...
CRAAAAAAAAAASH!
Phillips: What the hell?
Magnus: HAHAHAHA!
BEEEEEEEEEEF stands over Redmond Fury, holding the remains of one of the mirrors from their pose-off earlier. Shattered across Redmond's arm!
DING DING! DING DING!
Sylvia Starr: The winner of this match by disqualification, REDMOND FURY! However, the title cannot change hands on a DQ finish so STILL THE XHF X*CROWN CHAMPION, DYLAN BLACK!
Dylan looks up in disbelief as Magnus is coming down to the ring with a mic!
Magnus: This is what you call taking care of two birds with one stone! Singlehandedly, BEEEEEEEEEF just ruined your great April Fools X*Crown defense AND disposed of Redmond Fury once and for all!
Magnus dusts his hands off... his one hand... which is still holding the mic. Cue a lot of awful feedback.
Magnus: But now, you're in the ring. BEEEEEEEF is in the ring. Why not ring the bell and defend against a real man's man? Why wait until the RUMBLE to get your ass beat?
Dylan stares at BEEF who grins at him. Dylan shakes his head and rolls out of the ring, snatching the X*Crown from a ringside attendant as he leaves.
Magnus: That's right, go on and leave you coward! It doesn't matter! BEEF is gonna show up to the rumble and take that X*Crown, and then we'll have the X*Crown Champion that GUNS deserves!
Magnus doesn't realize he's in the middle of the ramp. Right where Dylan is leaving. As he's lifting the mic to talk more shit, Dylan drops the X*Crown and DECKS MAGNUS!
MEGA POP!
Dylan walks to the back as medical personnel are storming the ring. While we were focused on the champ's exit, we missed out on seeing the challenger bleeding profusely in the ring. They load Fury onto a stretcher and honestly? It looks like his arm is hanging on by threads. Blood is everywhere. So much you'd think Kira was the road agent for this match. Thankfully he won't be the road agent of anything anymore, now that he's quit the fed. But we hear the doctors mention "surgery" and "career-threatening" as Fury is carted up the ramp, running over Magnus in the process.
Phillips: Yeah, Magnus has had that coming for a long time. I think we should go to the commercial while Magnus gets his bearings back.
Welcome to another episode of the Gun Show!!! The crowd is hot on April Fools Day as we pan around we see the screaming fans and signs like “Why is Tom Phillips nicknamed ‘Rock Hard,’” “Where have all the jobbers gone?” and “I came all the way from Athens to see Dylan Black.” Soon we stop on Magnus and Tom Phillips. Tom winks creepily into the camera before Magnus begins.
Magnus: Welcome to the Gun Show!
Phillips: We’re packed full of action tonight.
Magnus: And it all starts right now with the XHF Junior Heavyweight Championship match!
Phillips: That’s right and Kris Quake is already in the ring.
We cut to the ring and we see the better half of Off the Wagon standing alone in the ring, but something is off about his appearance.
Magnus: He is in the ring indeed, and he’s truly representing Super Saki tonight as he’s in his Saki mascot costume for some reason.
Phillips: I think the reason is branding, but I’m pretty sure he exceeds the weight requirements in that outfit.
Magnus: Well he weighed in fine yesterday.
”HOOOOOOOOOOOOWL”
“All rise fore the king of all wolves now arrives.”
The voice of James Earl Mother Fucking Jones echos over the speakers. How did he get James Earl Jones to say that? It wasn’t a Cameo I’ll tell you that and it cost a pretty penny. Shortly after James Earl Jones speaks Big Sean’s “Wolves” begins to play. El Rey strolls onto the stage wearing the mask he stole off of the head of El Combatiente. He looks around soaking up there surroundings before ripping the mask off of his head and revealing his cocky smirk he inherited from his father. He strolls down the ramp ignoring the outstretched hands of the fans until he reaches the ring. At ringside he leaps up onto the apron and then over the ropes and spins around in the ring with his arms outstretched. He spins around a couple times and then moves to the corner waiting for the match to begin.
Phillips: The young champ is here and he doesn’t seem to care what Quake is wearing.
Magnus: That’s because he’s a professional and that’s why he’s the secret ingredient to BEEF winning the rumble.
XHF Junior Heavyweight Championship Match
GUNS Junior Heavyweight Gauntlet Match
Kris “Triple” Quake vs El Rey (c)
The bell rings and El Rey walks straight to Quake in his oversized suit. He looks him up and down and laughs. He jaws at Quake more, but Quake just responds with laughter. El Rey responds with a left kick, a right kick, a forearm to the chest, another forearm to the chest, and finally a spinning back fist. Quake should be staggered, but the big fluff of his costume renders him unharmed. He continues to laugh at his young opponent. El Rey frustrated swings with a straight right to the face hole, but Quake drops his head into the suit and punches through the hole making no contact.
Phillips: I can’t believe I’m saying this, but Quake might be a genius.
Magnus: He sure seems to have protected himself from any and all attacks from El Rey so far.
Phillips: He ate those blows for lunch and I’m not sure what else El Rey can throw at him.
El Rey removes his hand from the whole and Quakes face quickly pops back into view. With El Rey frustrated Quake takes the opportunity to swing with a with a right, but the weight of the costume makes his attack slower than normal and El Rey easily ducks it and shoves Quake in the back. Quake bounces against the ropes and El Rey drops to the ground and trips Quake dropping him to the ground. Quake hits the mat and, well, begins to flail like a fish. He can’t get up in that suit. Now it’s El Rey’s time to laugh as he motions to the ref to make the ten count. 1, 2, 3…Quake is able to get over onto a side…4, 5, 6…Quake manages to roll onto his belly…Quake begins to push himself up…7, 8, 9…Quake falls flat not being able to get his legs under him and the heavy suit…10!
Winner and STILL XHF Junior Heavyweight Champion & moving on in the GUNS Junior Heavyweight Gauntlet: El Rey
Phillips: I take back everything I said. Quake is still a drunk idiot.
Magnus: Yeah, no worse way to lose than your own plan backfiring.
Phillips: And now El Rey is celebrating like he won the Super Bowl.
Magnus: Yeah, I may like the kid, but let’s cut to a segment.
Backstage we find Javier and Venom standing in Venom’s office. The TV is on in the background, but we drown out that noise to hear an argument taking place between the two.
Javier: You messed up!
Venom: How is it my fault? I did everything I could to throw that match and still look good. How was I supposed to know they’d knock themselves out?
Javier: By not letting it get to that point.
Venom: Come on man. I’m doing you a favor here. We don’t even know if your friend is going to come back.
Javier: He will damn it!
Venom: Calm down. I didn’t mean it like that. I know what you’re going through. I was missing and some imposter took my place to promote a movie.
Javier: This isn’t the same tho. My friend is missing and I have to keep him alive as long as I can.
Venom: I get it man. I’ll do better, and we’ll find your friend. Right now, though, let’s get out there and watch the show.
Venom pats Javier on the back and the two of them leave the office together, in a better place than when they started. As they exit, though, we pick up on the sound from the TV.
BREAKING NEWS out of Japan. One of the many John Does from the Tokyo disaster has awoken. This particular John Doe has been to this point unidentified because he had something burned onto his face. Doctors hope to soon get the identity of this man.
We return to ringside in time for barking dogs and offkey piano to herald the arrival of the King Submaxiswear. Stepping through the entrance and adjusting his tie as 'The Notorious & Legendary Dog & Pony Show' by Firewater kicks in, he surveys the crowd, his expression unreadable beneath his mask. Whatever his thoughts on the booing audience, who can just sense that he's a wrong 'un, The Colourless King saunters his way down the ramp and calmly walks up the ring steps, followed by the hulking form of SEIRIOS. He wipes his feet on the apron and steps between the ropes as his giant associate intimidates the timekeeper for a microphone. SEIRIOS steps in over the ropes and hands the mic to Submaxiswear, who taps it to make sure it’ll carry his voice over the boos.
Phillips: Do we really have to hear from this guy?
Magnus: Look, it was this or the Discovery+ Alien reading Vogon poetry. I went with the lesser of two evils…
Submaxiswear: Good people of the GUNS Universe, what a treat you have in store for you tonight! Not only are you getting to hear me speak, but later you will witness the long overdue end of Zoran Sainovic at the hands of my dear friend Bloodied Fox.
The white clad figure pauses, somehow simultaneously seeming to be ignoring the jeers of the audience and soaking them in.
Submaxiswear: And that is just an apéritif for the feast of violence you will witness at the XHF Rumble, when my good friend eliminates all who stand in his way to finally take his rightful place as the X*Crown champion! Through his reign, the Illuminati will spread its glorious light out across the whole XHF Network! The darkness will be eradicated! The villainous will be overthrown!
Magnus: He sounds awfully confident given Fox has never won the Rumble. There’s a lot of tough guys in that match.
Phillips: Didn’t you accidently enter yourself in the Rumble as well?
Magnus: …Why did you have to remind me?
Submaxiswear: The most beautiful part? There is no-one who can stop us…
??: I beg to differ…
Submaxiswear’s head snaps around at the interruption, turning to face the entranceway. The crowd explodes in cheers as a familiar face emerges from behind the curtain.
Phillips: No way! I thought he was dead!
Magnus: That didn’t stop Spike Kane, did it?
A familiar contemptuous smirk on his face, former two time X*Crown champion Misha Constantine lets the warm reception wash over him for a moment before continuing.
Misha: I don’t know why you’re acting surprised. You wanted my attention. Hell, you practically begged for it when you jumped Glimmergrin. Now you’ve got it. I dragged myself away from my kingdom, my Discordian Court, to give you what you asked for, and to teach you to be a lot more careful in asking for it.
If Submaxiswear is indeed perturbed to see Constantine before him, he manages to keep it under control. Adjusting his tie, he leans against the ropes.
Submaxiswear: If I had a bald spot, I’d be rubbing it and saying ‘fine speech’, because we both know you’re all talk. You’re bound by rules, Misha. You aren’t allowed to physically involve yourself in this plane of existence, and we’ve already proved your pathetic minions are no match for us. So do us all a favour and go back to your little corner of damnation and write a sulky blog post about Hogwarts Legacy or something.
The crowd boos at that jibe, while Misha himself simply gives a snort of derision.
Misha: Droll. Still, you’re right about one thing; I am not allowed to involve myself physically here. But then, why would I have to when you’ve already pissed off other people who can do it for me…
The crowd erupts as three figures emerge from under the ring and slide into it.
Phillips: I recognise those guys! That’s Feral from Renegades of Wrestling… and Johnny Five from IPW!
Magnus: Ah shit, and Jackalope from TAPOUT! I just know Recoba’s gonna phone me after this…
Submaxiswear turns at the crowd reaction, just in time to take an Unlucky Rabbit’s Foot right to the face! He drops and rolls to the outside as SEIRIOS eats a double dropkick from Feral and Five. The big man keeps his feet and swings wildly for a lariat, but all three of his adversaries duck underneath. Leaping at his back, Jackalope locks on Schrödinger’s Box, as Feral runs up the turnbuckles and drills the big man with Claw Swipe Left. Staggering back, an big leaping forearm by Johnny sends SEIRIOS over the ropes, Jackalope releasing the hold and grabbing the ropes to pull himself in. SEIRIOS somehow manages to land kneeling, an apoplectic King Submaxiswear beside him, rapidly switching from looking at the three men in the ring to the cruelly grinning Misha at the top of the ramp. SEIRIOS stands and makes to go for the ring, but Submaxiswear touches his arm and gestures to the side, the two heading off through a gap in the crowd, who mock them for cowardice as they make a tactical retreat.
Phillips: Well, it looks like we finally have some evidence this Illuminati won’t have everything their own way! I can’t wait to see what happens next…
Magnus: Just so long as I’m not paying these guys as well…
GUNS.
Backstage.
Magnus is...
WALKING.
Until he notices the door to his office open-
...then he is walking FAR LESS casually.
Who am I kidding, it's more of a run.
Magnus: God damn Zoran trying to take over my-
Unboxed Ken exits, quickly closing the door behind him.
Magnus: Ken?
Unboxed Ken (looking up, startled): OH MAGNUS - hello.
Magnus: What were you doing in my-
Unboxed Ken: Just looking for you, of course. You know - a lot of people treat you like you're a heavy, but I just wanted to say I know how hard it is keeping his federation afloat, and you're doing a bang-up job.
Magnus (clearly touched): It's nice for someone to finally-
The door opens. A five-year-old looks up with wide hazel eyes.
Wally 6: Uncle Ken - Wally broke your world's greatest mug-
Unboxed Ken (trying to pull the door shut): Don't worry about it-
Magnus: What was that?
Unboxed Ken: What was what? I don't have great peripherals because of the bag... if only Mongo would win my box back.
Not buying it - Magnus kicks open the door to his office, where the Wombat quintuplets amongst many other Wombat progeny are treating his office like a playground.
Magnus: What did you do?
Unboxed Ken (holding out letter): This will explain... their father... La Authenica, has decided to enter rival federation DINOSAUR BONES to seek out his wife, the late Mrs. Wombat. You remember her getting eaten by Bones on our Halloween show? Well L.A. is convinced she's alive, and is mounting a rescue operation...
Magnus: That traitor - but that doesn't explain the- oh no-
Unboxed Ken: As his two closest friends, L.A. left the children in OUR care... but I've got a gig in Philly, so- thanks Magnus, you're the best!
The former Ken the Box makes a break for it.
Magnus: OH NO YOU DON'T!
Not wanting to be straddled babysitting the army of Wombat children, Magnus grabs Unboxed Ken by the waist.
FALLS COUNT ANYWHERE
Wombat Family Retainer Status
Unboxed Ken vs. Magnus
Magnus starts to get Ken up with a belly-to-back suplex, only he ends up slipping on one of Wally IX's micro machines and it turns into a pretty brutal senton. Marsha Womba has watched enough wrestling to know that is when you slap the ground. 1. 2. 3. 4. 5? Sure.
Wallace Wombat: The winner of this match - UNCLE KEN!
The Wombat Family: YAY!
Wallace Wombat: So Uncle Magnus is going to look after us!
The Wombat Family: YAY!
While Magnus is still trying to peel himself off the concrete floor, Unboxed Ken runs away.
Magnus: Wait- COME BACK HERE YOU SON OF A (sees children) gun.
Latoya W: We wuv u unca Mag!
Damn it.
Magnus: Kids- I have a show to announce... don't burn the place down.
With that the Wombat family's new patriarch runs back to commentary.
"Fool."
Zoran Sainovic looks like a pin cushion after Fox's casket stunt on the St. Patrick Day special. Sitting in his locker room, with the lights out, shadows cover the bulk of the damage - but he is clearly looking worse for wear. At the moment, The Final Boss directs his one bloodshot eye into a mirror - possibly directing this putdown to himself.
Zoran Sainovic: Fox... I know you've lost your way... and am even willing to take some responsibility for your current temperament. But there is losing sight... and being completely blinded to the reality of the situation. I was your white whale. I was MOBY DICK. Oh it amused me to watch you chase that win... that impossible pinfall... but for all the suffering, you also grew. It made you better. The hunt helped you grow. Hell, I made you better. Only this situation? It can be charitably be chalked up to diminishing returns... the Fox I know wanted to beat me at my best... go out on the open seas and harpoon me. This? You playing into Venom's sadistic game... it's more like finding a beached whale, and posing for instagram shots.
The eye moves from himself to the camera.
Zoran Sainovic: ...This is not worthy of you, me, or us. So I will be doing my damnedest to keep our hunt going... and I might not be much to look at, but I was less than a week removed from the initial stabbing when I took you down on that scaffold. So despite appearances, don't sell me short yet... I have a tendency to surprise people. Steal victory from the jaws of defeat. So even if Venom has me done up on a silver platter, and your little St. Patrick's day stunt still has me bleeding...... I will still show you the folly of your ways, Ahab. I will survive this evening, get through this match, FRUSTRATE YOU AGAIN, FOX. Because I won't let you end this hunt like this... we still have a lot of growing to do, in fact, I might even make you regret thinking you could, Fox.
I might be a fool taking on one of my deadliest opponents in my current shape...
Still... for the fans...
One more time.
At the mention of the audience, a loud, thunderous applause echoes through the arena - even audible in Sainovic's dressing room. The Final Boss musters a broken smile, before turning back to bandaging his many injuries.
(The newly redesigned Phoenix championship hangs above the ring.)
Phillips: Up next is an unlikely battle. Wrestling legend and Disney spokesperson Marty Donovan defends his title against Doug in a ladder match.
Magnus: Yes, all of GUNS’ hopes rest with the guy who sets up chairs.
(“Fly Away” by Asami Izawa starts playing as Disney's Marty Donovan steps out to the stage wearing the iconic red and black gi from Bloodsport. The crowd usually boos Marty, but this time they cheer in surprised delight.)
Magnus: Why are they cheering him now? Marty stole our belt!
Phillips: We’re getting a blast from the past! Marty is coming out as The Rising Sun, the wrestling persona he became famous under. Donovan was a Japanese crowd favorite back in the day.
Magnus: A white guy called The Rising Sun? That’s the dumbest name I’ve ever heard.
Phillips: He won the Hardkore Nippon Grand Championship and had legendary matches against Tuxedo Mask, Death Gojira, and Jojo Sushi.
Magnus: Okay, fourth dumbest name.
(Marty steps into the ring and pouts, clearly not here of his own free will.)
(“Adore You” by Harry Styles begins to play and the camera cuts to the parking lot. Doug steps out of a limo. He's not wearing his usual wrestling outfit, but instead, he's dressed in a flashy, sequined women’s suit, complete with a top hat and boa. He looks like Harry Styles, or at least, he thinks he does. As he begins to dance his way through the backstage area towards the ring, he's met with a mix of confused and amused stares.)
Phillips: It looks like we have a new member of One Direction joining us tonight!
Magnus: Marty is cursing up a storm. He must really hate Harry Styles.
(Doug continues to strut around, high fiving fellow wrestlers and crew. He hops onto the catering table.)
Phillips: Doug's really getting into it, folks. He's even trying to dance on the catering table.
Magnus: Damn it, he’s ruining the discounted shrimp!
(Laughing, he begins to dougie while standing on a chair. A power wheel version of the Dragula car speeds into frame and takes the chair out. Doug flies through the air and crashes to the concrete with a thud.)
Phillips: Look out! Some masked child just crashed into the chair and sent Doug flying!
Magnus: That was intentional. This kid knows what he's doing. Here comes help!
(Wrestlers rush in to help Doug and confront the driver. The mystery child brandishes a weapon.)
Phillips: Is that a machete?! Who is this masked child and what is he doing with a weapon?!
Magnus: I don't know, but I think Doug's out cold. This is bad!
(The wrestlers scatter as the mystery attacker speeds away in his toy car. Back in the ring Marty pleads with the referee in vain. The match is called off. The Hardkore World champion falls to his knees and begins to sob uncontrollably.)
Phillips: Wow, Marty looks absolutely devastated.
Magnus: He must have really been excited to hurt Doug.
(Marty runs to the back as fast as his legs can carry him. He begins to interfere with the EMTs.)
Phillips: Marty pleading with the medical team to still let Doug wrestle or…ask for his ticketmaster login? No clue what that is about.
Magnus: Never mind that mouse moron! Some monster is turning my locker room into GTA 6! They’re three feet tall, wield a machete, and drive a power wheel. It could be anyone!
(The EMTs attempt to wheel Doug away as Marty pleads like a mad man. The shot fades out as he hops onto the stretcher and attempts mouth to mouth on the fallen ring crew member.)
Phillips: Well fans – it’s time!
Magnus: Forth times a charm-
Phillips: I really don’t think Fox is counting that shark cage match-
Magnus: Oh, but he’ll remember it when he’s carving his initials into Zoran’s bloated carcass!
Phillips: A stabbing in the 2020 Rumble led to one of the longest slow burn feuds in the history of the Network, but at Oh Violent Night 2 – Zoran Sainovic and Bloodied Fox burnt the house down!
Magnus: And let’s not forget, murdered announcers!
Phillips: That night, Sainovic retained his X*Crown – but the damage that Fox did, many attribute to Zoran’s subsequent loss to Steve Awesome.
Magnus: It was the ass kicking that kept giving.
Phillips: Then these hated rivals found themselves in the same bracket for End of Days 2022. In the first round, they both advanced, but in the quarterfinals – they literally brought the house down.
Magnus: Seriously, a scaffold fell on them!
Phillips: Sainovic claimed that victory too, on his way to winning the tournament. It was a loss that went a long way to cementing Sainovic as a fan favourite, while driving Fox into the ruthless beast he’s become...
Magnus: Zoran hasn’t faced THIS Fox, and I can assure you fans – his luck has run out.
Phillips: The latest in a series of trials that Venom is making Sainovic face, has to be considered his biggest challenge yet.
The camera cuts to Sylvia Starr in the ring.
Sylvia Starr: The following grudge match is NO HOLDS BARRED!!!
The crowd burst into cheers, as the house lights dim.
Sylvia Starr: Entering first...
"You have chosen The Lament Configuration..."
Sylvia Starr: Coming to us from Reading, Berkshire, England – he stands at 5’9”, and weighs in at 196 pounds...
The Bloody Rain Maker
Scar Vulp
The Anti-Villain
BLOOOOOOOOOOOOOODIED FOOOOOOOOOOOOOX!!!!
The arena lights turn to a deep red as the harsh electronic beats and screeched vocals of 999999999 IN A DREAM slam into the speakers. The sinisterly masked figure of Bloodied Fox steps from behind the curtain and stalks down to the ring to the overwhelmingly negative response of the fans, the few who empathise still with his twisted resentment of the XHF and its audience drowned out by the jeers. Fox doesn't seem to care much, sliding into the ring and rising to one knee before tearing off his mask and looking around with narrowed gaze at all in attendance.
Sylvia Starr: And his opponent... standing at 6’1”, weighing in at 242lbs, coming to us from Atlanta, Georgia – please give a warm round of applause for...
THE FINAL BOSS –
ZORAN SAINOVIIIIIIIIIIIIIC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
“When the Man Comes Around” by Johnny Cash plays over the PA system. A series of white pyro explode in short bursts making their way up the entrance ramp, the final burst curing occurring just on the line...
#There's a man goin' 'round takin' names#
#And he decides who to free and who to blame#
#Everybody won't be treated all the same#
#There'll be a golden ladder reachin' down#
#When the man comes around#
A single gunmetal grey gloved hand holds back the curtains. Zoran Sainovic exits through them to a massive pop from the appreciative GUNS fans. The former commissioner is decked out in a white Armani suit. His left arm is still in a cast, heavily fortified, and wrapped to his body with an industrial brace and sling, that match the colour of the suit. He continues to sport an eye patch from Kris Quake’s hot sauce spree, while there is enough heavy tape to make him look like the mummy. The six months since his last match with Fox have not been kind.
Phillips: Zoran struggling to get down that aisle – but doing it for the fans!
Magnus: The putz won’t break his contract, and Venom will see him dead for putting El Rey in PRICE’s crosshairs!
The Final Boss enters the ring, cuing a final volley of white pyro.
#When the man comes around...#
Standing in the corner opposite Fox, a single sad eye sizes up the murderous rage on the other side of the ring.
GRUDGE MATCH
NO HOLDS BARRED
NO HOLDS BARRED
ZORAN SAINOVIC vs. BLOODIED FOX
DING! DING! DING!
Zoran starts to circle, looking to methodically feel out his rival – but Fox just explodes out of his corner.
Phillips: Fox charging in-
Magnus: YES!
#SMACK#
A standing sidekick catches Zoran square in the nose – rocking the older athlete so hard that he takes a step back. Clearly broken, blood starts to trickle down the right nostril. A gash appears on the ridge, matching the scar on Fox’s face. Quickly recovering, the bigger man throws down an overhand chop, but Fox seems to absorb it, while closing the distance with a hip attack that further knocks Sainovic back.
Phillips: Fox had a speed advantage before Sainovic turned into the Mummy, but really using it now-
Magnus: Zoran throwing his forearm smashes, but Fox just eating them, and coming back with shots of his own! I love it!
Phillips: Fox clearly in better shape, but he has to watch that his aggression doesn’t get the better of him-
The Final Boss brushes off a left jab, and fires off one of his PRESSURE POINTS – only Fox again manages to close the distance, ducking under with a VKO! The force sends Sainovic back into the ropes-
Phillips: Sainovic sent for a ride – comes back-
Magnus: MDK!
#SMACK#
Magnus: That’s going to leave a- oh, it actually did!
Sainovic’s nose looks broken in multiple places, as the former three time X*Crown champion hits the canvas like a ton of bricks. Not losing steam, Fox pounces on his prey – mounting for some ground and pound palm strikes, before peeling the old man off the canvas for a-
Magnus: DECENSION!!!
ONE!
TWO!
Phillips: Not sure if that would have gotten a three count, but Fox giving up the pin!
Magnus: He’s waited too long for revenge; the cover doesn’t matter to him-
Phillips: Given how long he's chased that pin, this seems fool hardy-
Magnus: The only fool is Zoran showing up for work, Fox had his number, and Zoran showing up? His pride just killed him!
A Saito Suplex is angled to drop Sainovic hard into the far corner, back first against the ring post. His arm in a sling, the Final Boss can’t even cover up as he falls back down to the canvas face first. Crumpled up like an accordion, Sainovic is in no shape to defend as Fox goes to down with a series of Kawada kicks – that set Zoran up for a facewash. The assault is so graphic and one sided, that the crowd begin pelting the ring with garbage.
Phillips: The crowd letting Fox know what they think of him-
Magnus: They should be throwing appreciative roses!
Fox pulls Sainovic out of the corner with another Saito suplex – the old man somehow manages to land on his feet, only to eat a boot to the midsection. Burying a knee in the ribs, Fox grabs a fistful of hair – and whips Sainovic into the ropes, letting him come off for-
Magnus: LEVIATHAN SUPLEX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
Phillips: YES!
Magnus: NO!
The crowd POP HARD, as the shambling corpse that is Zoran Sainovic manages to reverse it into a Friendly Conversation ’21!
Magnus: It’s not fair!
Phillips: FRIENDLY CONVERSATION ’21! Even I know this one – Sainovic’s patented submission hold has seen a lot of flash finishes-
Magnus: HANG ON FOX!
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
Driving his head back into Zoran’s broken nose, Fox effortlessly breaks the finisher. Zoran goes for another PRESSURE POINT, but Fox counters with a FASTER Bloody Rain to the cast – which shatters it.
Phillips: Fox just broke Zoran’s ca- LEVIATHAN SUPLEX!
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
ONE!
TWO!
THREE!
DING! DING! DING!
Sylvia Starr: THE WINNER OF THIS MATCH,
BLOOOOOOOOOOOOOODIED FOOOOOOOOOOOOOX!!!
The ring fills up with garbage, as Fox takes the time to hit a SECOND Leviathan Suplex on the unconscious Zoran.
Magnus: What a dominating performance!
Phillips: Fox just took Zoran apart-
Magnus: He’s been dreaming of this moment for close to THREE YEARS- and you know what, Tom? Sometimes dreams come true!
Phillips: Oh please!
A third Leviathan Suplex – causes security to have to keep fans from climbing guardrails. GUNS Arena looks ready to riot.
Bloodied Fox: Is that it?
Grabbing a microphone, Fox kicks some of the trash onto his downed rival.
Bloodied Fox: I’ve waited all this time – and you couldn’t even give me a decent five minutes. Shape the fuck up, Zoran. Is this it? No. NO! We are both in the Rumble. We will meet again! If you can’t muster more of a challenge THERE than you did tonight – I’m going to maim you. Forget end your career, it’s already over. No, I mean REALLY hurt you. April 30th. You have one month to pretend you're an athlete... or get your affairs in order, but one way or the other... this will be your end.
The crowd cheer.
Is Fox finally getting through to the sheep?
No, it’s Dylan.
The X*Crown Champion hits the ring. Fox leans back against the rope, falling nonchalantly to the outside. Dylan Black stands between Fox and the bloody husk of his tag team partner.
Magnus: Wait, the audience are even cheering Dylan? Can’t I catch a break!
The champion and Fox exchange icy glares, before security show Scar Vulp out. At the same time, another body hits the ring. Dylan seems taken aback, and ready to pounce – the crown kind of breeds paranoia that way. Copycat has found his way into the ring, and leans over the unconscious Sainovic – looking extremely upset for his dear friend.
Phillips: The champion looking out for his Super Frienemy – while Copycat is also checking on our former commissioner, who - gosh- I know Venom is obsessed with the idea that Zoran is faking it... but you can't fake that beating. That was hard to watch.
Magnus: With friends like these – its no wonder Zoran is a stain on the canvas! Keep acting like the big man Dylan, maybe Fox will get GUNS the X*Crown champion we so richly deserve!
Phillips: You know he’d just take it to Ascension.
Magnus: Fuck! I can’t win!
The last shot sees Fox starring daggers from the entranceway, while Dylan Black returns to hate. Copycat shakes the bloody ragdoll that is Zoran Sainovic, desperate for signs of life from his friend.
Phillips: Our next match sees the reigning X*Crown Champion Dylan Black defending against-
Magnus: Seriously? He snuck his way onto ANOTHER GUNS show?
Phillips: The contract he signed to become X*Crown Champion states he can only defend it here. And with the Rumble coming up, he's eager to get as many defenses in as he can before there's a chance he loses.
Magnus: Which he will.
Phillips: You know, you always say that, but-
Sylvia Starr: The following contest is scheduled for ONE FALL! And is for the XHF X*Crown Championship! Introducing first, from Hokkaido, Japan, he is the Heart of GUNS, DYLAAAAAAAAAAAN BLAAAAAAAAAAAACK!
The heavy strums of a guitar play as the lights dim and swirl around the arena.
You say I need psychotherapy
Now you're making me mad
I say you quit trying to fix me
Or this is gonna get bad
Now you're making me mad
I say you quit trying to fix me
Or this is gonna get bad
All the spotlights convene on the stage where a figure rises from the stage. He slowly spins with his arm outstretched, the championships held in his hands.
If you want a battle, I'll give you a war
Think you control me, don't know what you're in for
Keep coming at me, keep coming, you'll see
Keep pushing, keep pushing, pushing on me
IF YOU WANT CRAAAAAAAAAAZY!
I'LL GIVE YOU PSYCHOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Think you control me, don't know what you're in for
Keep coming at me, keep coming, you'll see
Keep pushing, keep pushing, pushing on me
IF YOU WANT CRAAAAAAAAAAZY!
I'LL GIVE YOU PSYCHOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Dylan flips his hair back as the lights come up with the chorus. Pausing at the top of the stage to the boos from the crowd, he offers no more than a smirk before walking down the ramp, a few ballsy fans pelting him with some trash as he makes sure to savor every second of this. He gets to where the ramp meets the ringside area and pauses, bouncing on the balls of his feet before walking to the steps. He gets up them and gets into the ring, standing in the center. Dylan raises his arm in the air, a fist in the pose of E.V.E. He turns to his corner, leaning into it while waiting for the match to start. Completely ignoring whoever may already be in or coming down to the ring.
Magnus: Ha. The champion, coming out first? Because Dylan is-
Phillips: Getting ready to announce an open challenge?
Magnus: FUCK!
Dylan Black: Alright alright, shut the fuck up Atlanta. It's April Fools today, and as much as I'd like to fool you all by saying there's no defense tonight I have to make sure I meet a personal quota of matches before I take my chances with the Rumble. Tonight's special handpicked opponent is someone who like me, shows a lot of Heart in GUNS. You could say that he's the only person who could make a claim to be Mr. GUNS.
Magnus: NO!
Dylan Black: That's right folks, my mystery opponent tonight... REDMUND FAUXRY!
There's a pause before "Gut Feeling" by DEVO plays and through the curtains walks... REDMOND FURY!
Redmond Fury: Hold on there Dylan. Now I'll have you know, there's nobody on this roster who goes by the name RedmUnd FAUXRY. As the locker room leader, it's my job to know everything and everyone back there. But, seeing as how that name sounds a whole hell of a lot like my name... I believe you've just invited me down for an X*Crown Championship match!
Phillips: April Fools, Dylan. The former Phoenix Champion, on his way down to the ring!
Magnus: This can't be happening. I should executive veto this!
Phillips: ...you can. You OWN GUNS.
Magnus: *whips out his phone* I have a better idea. *starts texting with one hand like crazy*
XHF X*CROWN CHAMPIONSHIP
DYLAN BLACK© VS REDMUND FAUXRY REDMOND FURY
DYLAN BLACK© VS
DING DING! DING DING!
Redmond and Dylan square up in the middle of the ring, they lock up in the classic collar-and-elbow tie-up hold! Redmond powers Dylan back to a corner and holds him there while the ref counts one, two, three, four, Redmond steps back with his hands up smiling as Dylan stares daggers at him. Dylan goes for an eye poke but Redmond catches his wrist and locks it behind his back, walking Dylan toward the center of the ring and lifting him up with a military press! Dylan tries to wriggle his way out of this but Redmond holds him up and drops him in the ring! He then runs the ropes, going for a splash on Dylan but Dylan rolls out of the way, running the ropes himself and nailing a low dropkick on the Buckeye Bruiser. Dylan takes a second to breathe, holding his back after that nasty fall from seven feet in the air. Dylan pushes himself up and walks over to Fury, stomping a mudhole in the former AWF wrestler!
Phillips: You know Dylan almost signed with AWF in 2021. I wonder what would have happened if these two juggernauts squared off in Ohio back then.
Magnus: *furiously typing* It would have sucked.
Phillips: Magnus, can we get your take on the rumored AWF revival coming soon?
Magnus: No. *puts his phone down*
Dylan has Fury in an arm bar, but the massive Redmond powers out of the submission and pulls Dylan into a ripcord lariat! Fury turns the X*Crown Champion inside out and then drops a knee on Dylan! The champ squirms under the weight of the girthy knee on him as Redmond simply smiles and poses for the crowd. Come on, you posed enough already! Redmond steps off of Dylan who rolls over and kicks him in the leg! This brings Fury down to a knee and Dylan grabs him by the head, DDTing him onto the mat! Dylan spins around Redmond, locking in a Coquina Clutch sleeper! Redmond is starting to fade on the mat as Dylan whispers sweet nothings in his ear, perhaps reciting a bedtime story to get the big man to honk mi mi mi. Redmond's eyes begin to flutter and he starts slumping over. The referee comes in and lifts his arm and it falls over. ONE! The ref muscles Redmond's big meaty arm up a second time and it falls. TWO! Once more, Redmond's arm is lifted but IT STAYS IN THE AIR! HIS EYES FLY OPEN AS IF A NEW LIFE HAS BEEN BREATHED INTO HIM!
Magnus: Fury is back in this. Fantastic.
Phillips: Could you be any more biased? Fury's trying to make an honest living.
Magnus: Maybe when this match ends in a few minutes.
Redmond powers into a standing position and shoves Dylan up and off of him. The X*Crown Champion flies into a corner and Redmond smashes him with a splash! Dylan stumbles out, mere moments from nailing a Flair Flop and Redmond runs the ropes, BUCKEYE SHOT! DYLAN IS SPEARED OUT OF NOWHERE AND IS DOWN FOR THE COUNT. A medicine ball gets tossed into the ring and while Redmond appreciates the workout, he doesn't use weapons and decides to toss it back. But it's in this moment a fatal mistake is made, as his back is turned away from one side of the ring where someone with a large reflective piece of glass is rolling into the ring...
CRAAAAAAAAAASH!
Phillips: What the hell?
Magnus: HAHAHAHA!
BEEEEEEEEEEF stands over Redmond Fury, holding the remains of one of the mirrors from their pose-off earlier. Shattered across Redmond's arm!
DING DING! DING DING!
Sylvia Starr: The winner of this match by disqualification, REDMOND FURY! However, the title cannot change hands on a DQ finish so STILL THE XHF X*CROWN CHAMPION, DYLAN BLACK!
Dylan looks up in disbelief as Magnus is coming down to the ring with a mic!
Magnus: This is what you call taking care of two birds with one stone! Singlehandedly, BEEEEEEEEEF just ruined your great April Fools X*Crown defense AND disposed of Redmond Fury once and for all!
Magnus dusts his hands off... his one hand... which is still holding the mic. Cue a lot of awful feedback.
Magnus: But now, you're in the ring. BEEEEEEEF is in the ring. Why not ring the bell and defend against a real man's man? Why wait until the RUMBLE to get your ass beat?
Dylan stares at BEEF who grins at him. Dylan shakes his head and rolls out of the ring, snatching the X*Crown from a ringside attendant as he leaves.
Magnus: That's right, go on and leave you coward! It doesn't matter! BEEF is gonna show up to the rumble and take that X*Crown, and then we'll have the X*Crown Champion that GUNS deserves!
Magnus doesn't realize he's in the middle of the ramp. Right where Dylan is leaving. As he's lifting the mic to talk more shit, Dylan drops the X*Crown and DECKS MAGNUS!
MEGA POP!
Dylan walks to the back as medical personnel are storming the ring. While we were focused on the champ's exit, we missed out on seeing the challenger bleeding profusely in the ring. They load Fury onto a stretcher and honestly? It looks like his arm is hanging on by threads. Blood is everywhere. So much you'd think Kira was the road agent for this match. Thankfully he won't be the road agent of anything anymore, now that he's quit the fed. But we hear the doctors mention "surgery" and "career-threatening" as Fury is carted up the ramp, running over Magnus in the process.
Phillips: Yeah, Magnus has had that coming for a long time. I think we should go to the commercial while Magnus gets his bearings back.
