Bang Bros….Assemble? (Rumble 1)
Apr 14, 2023 3:34:13 GMT -5
Mongo the Destroyer, Curtis D. Kanyon, and 3 more like this
Post by Steve Awesome on Apr 14, 2023 3:34:13 GMT -5
We open up amongst the flashing lights and the blaring jock jams of a big sports arena. People are dressed in their finest clothes as they all walk with excitement to their seats. It was to be a Gala event like none other. This sport has been sweeping the nation and I dare say it might just become America’s greatest pastime!
Not Michael Buffer: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! ITS…….TIME!”
The announcer rears his head back and puts his all into his introduction.
Not Michael Buffer: WELCOME TO SLAP FIGHT!!!!!!
The crowd roared with excitement!
Not Michael Buffer: THE ONLY COMBAT SPORT THAT DOESNT GIVE TWO SHITS ABOUT CTE BECAUSE FUCK’EM THEY ARENT REAL ATHLETES ANYWAY!!!!”
Another roar from the crowd.
Not Michael Buffer: Let’s take a look at our MAIN EVENT OF THE EVENING!
…but Steve Awesome doesn’t seem to care about the promotional package as he sits up in the nose bleeds. He seemed to be waiting for someone to arrive and soon enough that someone arrived.
Todd Lerr.
Todd Lerr: Steve. Have you watched The Whale yet?
Steve shakes his head and crosses his arms.
“No! Screw that movie, screw Brendan Fraiser and screw you Todd! I want my Oscar!”
Todd shakes his head.
Todd: That hostile attitude is why I wanted to meet up in a crowded place surrounded by intelligent people so neither of us would make a scene. Listen, I know you are a little angry that you didn’t win that Oscar, and how we are going to blow up the Earth in a few days and all of that, but we really want you to reconsider.
Todd stopped Steve before he could go off on another ramp.
Todd Lerr: Come with us to Intergalactic Planet 97. Be our big star. Without Brendan Fraiser in the mix I bet you could win like one or two intergalactic Oscars for sure.”
Steve rubbed his chin as he considered something he hasn’t before.
“Two Oscar’s?”
Todd nods.
Todd Lerr: Yeah two! You’ll come with us, bring your family, make a bunch of money and be a big movie star with us! We can make you Intergalactic Planet 97’s Sweetheart! Besides, what more do you need to do on Earth anyway? You are already a multi-time world champion and wrestling hall of famer. You’ve made hit movies. What more could you possibly do?
Steve struggled to think of an answer. I mean the tiny alien man was right, Steve was the Face of the Franchise afterall.
Todd Lerr: See, we don’t have to become enemies here. But we can be if you make the wrong decision. You don’t have to answer me right now but soon. But think about it Steve, you can either come with us or blow up with the rest of them.
And with that Todd Lerr gets up and leaves Steve in the sea of high class people watching there Slap Fights.
Someone in the Crowd: SLAP HIM IN HIS DICK!!
Steve glanced around in horror and slight intrigue as the scene comes to a fade.
STEVE AWESOME
FACE OF THE FRANCHISE
“Why do I want to win the Rumble?”
Steve gave a coy smile and shrug.
“Lots a reasons…”
Steve ran a palm through his perfect hair.
“I think one of the biggest reasons is probably redemption.”
He sighs.
“Let’s just get it out of the way already. Last year at The Rumble things didn’t exactly go my way.”
Another sigh and a wince as he remembered what happened to him.
“To put it lightly, Zoran Sainovic stabbed me over and over and over and over…”
He took a deep breath.
“…and over and over and over and then left me for dead in a broken pile of sake kegs.”
Steve nods his head and gives a sarcastic glare.
“Yeeeeahhhh, I’ve had better nights.”
Steve crossed his arms.
“So this year as I enter The Rumble, the first thing I'm going to do is ask security to DO THEIR JOBS and properly check people for weapons. Especially creepy old men that nobody even trusts to begin with.”
Steve just shakes his head in disgust.
“I mean come on, the guy wrestles in an entire suit and you all miss the giant hook chains in his lapel!?”
Steve stops and takes a deep breath to calm himself down. Apparently somebody isn’t over being almost murdered.
“And the second thing that’s going to happen is when my music hits and it’s my time to go out to the ring, I’m sure as hell not coming out as a victim!”
He gives a slow and confident shake of the head.
“Nah, this year….IM THE KNIFE!”
He points to himself with his thumb as he grits his teeth.
“I’m going to be the stabber, the cutter, the impaler, the God damn butcher, as however many other wrestlers get eliminated all around me. Oh and rest assured, IF I see Zoran Sainovic, I’m going to stab him right into one of his old failing kidneys. That’s for damn sure!”
Steve pounds a fist into his open palm and glares into the camera as he nods his head. He takes a deep breath and calms himself down.
“Another reason I’m going to win The Rumble this year is it’s one of the last few things I haven’t done. I’ve won End of Days. I won every single Call to Arms tournament there ever was. I won it so much they had to retire the event.”
He shrugs.
“I’ve come close a few times when it comes to Rumbles. But it’s the one thing in my career that has eluded me everywhere I’ve gone. To add a Rumble win to my already perfect hall of fame living legend type of career would be a nice addition to my list of accolades and accomplishments, and a great reward for all the hard work I put in.”
“And of course, I’d love to win the Rumble so I can become a three time XCrown Champion. It is a very elusive club. Only two men have done it so far. But you know what they say, third time is the charm! Nobody wants a stuffy old man that smells like mothballs and bengay and doesn’t XHF have more than enough black hair, black tights guys with “super cool moves”?”
Steve’s face scrunches up in disgust.
“When I win the Rumble and become XCrown Champion for a third time….I’m going to bring back fun and excitement. I’m going to bring back the spectacle, the amazement, the goddamn ENTERTAINMENT BAYBY!!!!!”
He claps his hands together as he gets himself pumped up.
“I want to win the Rumble so the Face of the Franchise can go back to doing what he does best.”
He flashes that confident grin.
“Being the best.”
Crotch chop.
“But….that’s still not the biggest reason why I want to win….
Slow Fade
Kanyons Krib
We fade into former President Kanyon’s backyard patio as Steve Awesome spills his guts to his bros.
“…and that’s exactly how it happened!”
Steve explained, careful to leave out all the parts about him selling out the Earth for an Oscar, helping to destroy an entire alien planet and any other parts where he looked like a bad guy! Steve crossed his arms and pouted.
“None of this would have happened is stupid Brendan Fraiser didn’t make that terrible movie that everyone loved.”
Kanyon: The whale?
Kanyon asked from the other side of the patio table.
Kanyon: That movie was a work of art!
Kanyon wheels himself away from the table and reveals he is in a wheelchair. He is still banged up from his last match against Zoran.
Kanyon: As someone who has been forced into a wheelchair that movie really….*sniff* hit home for me.”
Kanyon sniffles and wipes away a tear. Steve scoffs and shakes his head.
“Oh not you too! What about you EC?”
Steve looks over to EC who was sitting off in the corner dressed in black.
“You saw through all the dramatic BS in that stupid Whale movie didn’t you?”
EC: “Uhh... estaba bien, supongo.”
(Uhh…it was okay, I guess.)
Steve shook his head.
“Figures. If Spike were here he’d be on my side. He understands what true art is.”
“Actually I am here…”
Steve looks around, eyes wide with shock at the sound of his name.
Kanyon: Oh yeah, Spike’s soul is possessing this handkerchief.”
Kanyon points to a plaid handkerchief sitting on the table and it waves to Steve. Normally Steve would freak out but this is a man who has been through some thangs before and it isn’t the first time he’s had to save the world for some reason.
“Well that’s cool.”
Steve gives Hanky Spike a fist bump.
“But why a handkerchief?”
Hanky Spike: Well I don’t exactly get to choose these things. I’m just happy it was clean. Anyways, to answer your other question, we saw the movie in hell and everyone adored it. I think I even saw the devil crying!”
“GREAT! COOL! SWEET! EVERYONE LOVED THE MOVIE!”
Steve lowered his sunglasses and rubbed the bridge of his nose. He took a deep breath.
“Sorry. Let’s not talk about that movie right now. The thing is, I came here to get the band back together to help me save the world. But with K-Dawg in a wheelchair, and Spike is a handkerchief I guess things are a little different now.”
There was a brief silence as the winds of change blew over the mighty group.
Kanyon: I may still be beat up and hurt from my match with Zoran and confined to this wheelchair, but when the time is right I bet I got one last BANG! In me!
Kanyon yells bang but coughs afterward.
Hanky Spike: And I know I may be a handkerchief….but I still got that Spike Kane fight in my soul. I’m with ya till the end, Steve.
The trio glance over to look at the strangely aloof El Combatiente in the corner.
“What about you EC? Are you with us?”
EC rubs his chin.
EC: Hmmmm……nah.”
And with that EC just walks off. Steve, Kanyon, and Spike shake off the confusion of EC’s strange behavior and begin formulating their plan to save the world.
How come this stuff never happens to Sky Force?
~
STEVE AWESOME
FACE OF THE FRANCHISE
“Nah, the main reason why I want to win the Rumble is to be the one to take that XCrown Title away from Dylan Black.”
He nods.
“I’ll admit it.”
“I’m still a little pissed off about how everything went down back at Supremacy. About how I did all the work, I had the championship match won and then that snake Dylan Black stole my victory.”
Steve grits his teeth in anger.
“How dare that little dick weed STEAL SOMETHING FROM ME THAT WAS RIGHTFULLY MINE!”
Steve screamed indignantly.
“And not only that, he isn’t even man enough to give me a match one on one after the debauchery that he pulled. It’s because he’s scared I’ll beat him just like the last time we faced one on one. He wants me to put the nCw Championship into the XCrown Championship but you know what Dyl-Hole, that’s not a bargaining chip that’s on the table. I’m not going to put the nCw title into the Crown. I don’t need to.”
Steve flashes his confident grin.
“Because I’m going to win the rumble.”
He nods.
“I’m going to outlast whoever I have to and I’m going to take back what should have already been mine months ago.”
He chuckles.
“And you know what? As funny as it would be to see Dylan get eliminated in the Rumble before I even get the chance to enter…..in my own perfect world where I get everything I want, I’m going to enter that Rumble and just start mercilessly eliminating other wrestlers like that airport level from Call of Duty…and then at the very end, the last two, I want it to be me and Dylan Black.”
Steve steps toward the camera, fists clenched.
“Because I want him to have to look up from the floor as they crown me the new Champion.”
He points into the lens.
“Just like you did to me at Supremacy.”
Steve sneers into the camera with all the intent to disrespect his hated rival.
“Eye for an eye, bitch.”
Crotch chop.
Fade
[/quote]Not Michael Buffer: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! ITS…….TIME!”
The announcer rears his head back and puts his all into his introduction.
Not Michael Buffer: WELCOME TO SLAP FIGHT!!!!!!
The crowd roared with excitement!
Not Michael Buffer: THE ONLY COMBAT SPORT THAT DOESNT GIVE TWO SHITS ABOUT CTE BECAUSE FUCK’EM THEY ARENT REAL ATHLETES ANYWAY!!!!”
Another roar from the crowd.
Not Michael Buffer: Let’s take a look at our MAIN EVENT OF THE EVENING!
A video package plays on the big screen showing a balding man with a patchy goatee. He’s got a beer belly and insists on wearing a stained up A-shirt.
Man: “My name is RJ Peterson! Slapping people is my passion! Let me give you a glimpse into my training regiment.”
The video package shows RJ flipping through his book of CD’s inside his mobile home. He slams the CD case down in frustration and glares at his girlfriend. She’s scared to death and already has a black eye.
RJ: Where the fuck is my Pantera CD!?
Girlfriend: I swear I don’t know!
RJ stomps toward her in a rage….
Man: “My name is RJ Peterson! Slapping people is my passion! Let me give you a glimpse into my training regiment.”
The video package shows RJ flipping through his book of CD’s inside his mobile home. He slams the CD case down in frustration and glares at his girlfriend. She’s scared to death and already has a black eye.
RJ: Where the fuck is my Pantera CD!?
Girlfriend: I swear I don’t know!
RJ stomps toward her in a rage….
…but Steve Awesome doesn’t seem to care about the promotional package as he sits up in the nose bleeds. He seemed to be waiting for someone to arrive and soon enough that someone arrived.
Todd Lerr.
Todd Lerr: Steve. Have you watched The Whale yet?
Steve shakes his head and crosses his arms.
“No! Screw that movie, screw Brendan Fraiser and screw you Todd! I want my Oscar!”
Todd shakes his head.
Todd: That hostile attitude is why I wanted to meet up in a crowded place surrounded by intelligent people so neither of us would make a scene. Listen, I know you are a little angry that you didn’t win that Oscar, and how we are going to blow up the Earth in a few days and all of that, but we really want you to reconsider.
Todd stopped Steve before he could go off on another ramp.
Todd Lerr: Come with us to Intergalactic Planet 97. Be our big star. Without Brendan Fraiser in the mix I bet you could win like one or two intergalactic Oscars for sure.”
Steve rubbed his chin as he considered something he hasn’t before.
“Two Oscar’s?”
Todd nods.
Todd Lerr: Yeah two! You’ll come with us, bring your family, make a bunch of money and be a big movie star with us! We can make you Intergalactic Planet 97’s Sweetheart! Besides, what more do you need to do on Earth anyway? You are already a multi-time world champion and wrestling hall of famer. You’ve made hit movies. What more could you possibly do?
Steve struggled to think of an answer. I mean the tiny alien man was right, Steve was the Face of the Franchise afterall.
Todd Lerr: See, we don’t have to become enemies here. But we can be if you make the wrong decision. You don’t have to answer me right now but soon. But think about it Steve, you can either come with us or blow up with the rest of them.
And with that Todd Lerr gets up and leaves Steve in the sea of high class people watching there Slap Fights.
Someone in the Crowd: SLAP HIM IN HIS DICK!!
Steve glanced around in horror and slight intrigue as the scene comes to a fade.
STEVE AWESOME
FACE OF THE FRANCHISE
“Why do I want to win the Rumble?”
Steve gave a coy smile and shrug.
“Lots a reasons…”
Steve ran a palm through his perfect hair.
“I think one of the biggest reasons is probably redemption.”
He sighs.
“Let’s just get it out of the way already. Last year at The Rumble things didn’t exactly go my way.”
Another sigh and a wince as he remembered what happened to him.
“To put it lightly, Zoran Sainovic stabbed me over and over and over and over…”
He took a deep breath.
“…and over and over and over and then left me for dead in a broken pile of sake kegs.”
Steve nods his head and gives a sarcastic glare.
“Yeeeeahhhh, I’ve had better nights.”
Steve crossed his arms.
“So this year as I enter The Rumble, the first thing I'm going to do is ask security to DO THEIR JOBS and properly check people for weapons. Especially creepy old men that nobody even trusts to begin with.”
Steve just shakes his head in disgust.
“I mean come on, the guy wrestles in an entire suit and you all miss the giant hook chains in his lapel!?”
Steve stops and takes a deep breath to calm himself down. Apparently somebody isn’t over being almost murdered.
“And the second thing that’s going to happen is when my music hits and it’s my time to go out to the ring, I’m sure as hell not coming out as a victim!”
He gives a slow and confident shake of the head.
“Nah, this year….IM THE KNIFE!”
He points to himself with his thumb as he grits his teeth.
“I’m going to be the stabber, the cutter, the impaler, the God damn butcher, as however many other wrestlers get eliminated all around me. Oh and rest assured, IF I see Zoran Sainovic, I’m going to stab him right into one of his old failing kidneys. That’s for damn sure!”
Steve pounds a fist into his open palm and glares into the camera as he nods his head. He takes a deep breath and calms himself down.
“Another reason I’m going to win The Rumble this year is it’s one of the last few things I haven’t done. I’ve won End of Days. I won every single Call to Arms tournament there ever was. I won it so much they had to retire the event.”
He shrugs.
“I’ve come close a few times when it comes to Rumbles. But it’s the one thing in my career that has eluded me everywhere I’ve gone. To add a Rumble win to my already perfect hall of fame living legend type of career would be a nice addition to my list of accolades and accomplishments, and a great reward for all the hard work I put in.”
“And of course, I’d love to win the Rumble so I can become a three time XCrown Champion. It is a very elusive club. Only two men have done it so far. But you know what they say, third time is the charm! Nobody wants a stuffy old man that smells like mothballs and bengay and doesn’t XHF have more than enough black hair, black tights guys with “super cool moves”?”
Steve’s face scrunches up in disgust.
“When I win the Rumble and become XCrown Champion for a third time….I’m going to bring back fun and excitement. I’m going to bring back the spectacle, the amazement, the goddamn ENTERTAINMENT BAYBY!!!!!”
He claps his hands together as he gets himself pumped up.
“I want to win the Rumble so the Face of the Franchise can go back to doing what he does best.”
He flashes that confident grin.
“Being the best.”
Crotch chop.
“But….that’s still not the biggest reason why I want to win….
Slow Fade
Kanyons Krib
We fade into former President Kanyon’s backyard patio as Steve Awesome spills his guts to his bros.
“…and that’s exactly how it happened!”
Steve explained, careful to leave out all the parts about him selling out the Earth for an Oscar, helping to destroy an entire alien planet and any other parts where he looked like a bad guy! Steve crossed his arms and pouted.
“None of this would have happened is stupid Brendan Fraiser didn’t make that terrible movie that everyone loved.”
Kanyon: The whale?
Kanyon asked from the other side of the patio table.
Kanyon: That movie was a work of art!
Kanyon wheels himself away from the table and reveals he is in a wheelchair. He is still banged up from his last match against Zoran.
Kanyon: As someone who has been forced into a wheelchair that movie really….*sniff* hit home for me.”
Kanyon sniffles and wipes away a tear. Steve scoffs and shakes his head.
“Oh not you too! What about you EC?”
Steve looks over to EC who was sitting off in the corner dressed in black.
“You saw through all the dramatic BS in that stupid Whale movie didn’t you?”
EC: “Uhh... estaba bien, supongo.”
(Uhh…it was okay, I guess.)
Steve shook his head.
“Figures. If Spike were here he’d be on my side. He understands what true art is.”
“Actually I am here…”
Steve looks around, eyes wide with shock at the sound of his name.
Kanyon: Oh yeah, Spike’s soul is possessing this handkerchief.”
Kanyon points to a plaid handkerchief sitting on the table and it waves to Steve. Normally Steve would freak out but this is a man who has been through some thangs before and it isn’t the first time he’s had to save the world for some reason.
“Well that’s cool.”
Steve gives Hanky Spike a fist bump.
“But why a handkerchief?”
Hanky Spike: Well I don’t exactly get to choose these things. I’m just happy it was clean. Anyways, to answer your other question, we saw the movie in hell and everyone adored it. I think I even saw the devil crying!”
“GREAT! COOL! SWEET! EVERYONE LOVED THE MOVIE!”
Steve lowered his sunglasses and rubbed the bridge of his nose. He took a deep breath.
“Sorry. Let’s not talk about that movie right now. The thing is, I came here to get the band back together to help me save the world. But with K-Dawg in a wheelchair, and Spike is a handkerchief I guess things are a little different now.”
There was a brief silence as the winds of change blew over the mighty group.
Kanyon: I may still be beat up and hurt from my match with Zoran and confined to this wheelchair, but when the time is right I bet I got one last BANG! In me!
Kanyon yells bang but coughs afterward.
Hanky Spike: And I know I may be a handkerchief….but I still got that Spike Kane fight in my soul. I’m with ya till the end, Steve.
The trio glance over to look at the strangely aloof El Combatiente in the corner.
“What about you EC? Are you with us?”
EC rubs his chin.
EC: Hmmmm……nah.”
And with that EC just walks off. Steve, Kanyon, and Spike shake off the confusion of EC’s strange behavior and begin formulating their plan to save the world.
How come this stuff never happens to Sky Force?
~
STEVE AWESOME
FACE OF THE FRANCHISE
“Nah, the main reason why I want to win the Rumble is to be the one to take that XCrown Title away from Dylan Black.”
He nods.
“I’ll admit it.”
“I’m still a little pissed off about how everything went down back at Supremacy. About how I did all the work, I had the championship match won and then that snake Dylan Black stole my victory.”
Steve grits his teeth in anger.
“How dare that little dick weed STEAL SOMETHING FROM ME THAT WAS RIGHTFULLY MINE!”
Steve screamed indignantly.
“And not only that, he isn’t even man enough to give me a match one on one after the debauchery that he pulled. It’s because he’s scared I’ll beat him just like the last time we faced one on one. He wants me to put the nCw Championship into the XCrown Championship but you know what Dyl-Hole, that’s not a bargaining chip that’s on the table. I’m not going to put the nCw title into the Crown. I don’t need to.”
Steve flashes his confident grin.
“Because I’m going to win the rumble.”
He nods.
“I’m going to outlast whoever I have to and I’m going to take back what should have already been mine months ago.”
He chuckles.
“And you know what? As funny as it would be to see Dylan get eliminated in the Rumble before I even get the chance to enter…..in my own perfect world where I get everything I want, I’m going to enter that Rumble and just start mercilessly eliminating other wrestlers like that airport level from Call of Duty…and then at the very end, the last two, I want it to be me and Dylan Black.”
Steve steps toward the camera, fists clenched.
“Because I want him to have to look up from the floor as they crown me the new Champion.”
He points into the lens.
“Just like you did to me at Supremacy.”
Steve sneers into the camera with all the intent to disrespect his hated rival.
“Eye for an eye, bitch.”
Crotch chop.
Fade
~
Kanyon: This should be easy.
Hanky Spike: Simple.
“Just like old times.”
We find our favorite trio of Bros as they walked through a courtyard. Steve pushed Kanyon in his wheelchair and Hanky Spike hung out of Steve’s shirt pocket.
“We go in, beat up those alien babies, save the world, and we will be back home in no time for the Rumble.”
Hanky Spike: Sounds right to me.
Kanyon: Together we are the Bang Bros! We can do anything! Nothing can stop us!
Steve suddenly stops the wheelchair.
“Oh shit dude, stairs.”
Kanyon looks forward to see a giant flight of stairs.
Kanyon: Ah shit.
Will the Bang Bros save the world? Will they overcome the stairs? Find out next time![/div]
