The Return of All-In, Tonight! [Rumble RP #5]

[Jack Diamond]

Voiceover: Coming This Summer

The scene opens to a beautiful shot over a sunrise-kissed sea. The camera pans around to see world-renowned d-list celebrity, David Hasselhoff, made up to look eerily similar to Zoran Sainovic. He squints into the sun, his mouth puckered.

David Hasselhoff: Could you imagine ze ratings we'll get by talking about ze one guy better than both of us combined?

The camera zooms out and we see Tommy Lee of Motley Crue fame, wearing way too much makeup to try and look much younger than he is, in what can only be e described as the worst Dylan Black customer ever including an arm sleeve that reads "it's still real to me, damnit" scribbled in sharpie. During the zoom out, it's revealed that the two of them are sitting on a loveseat together that is the shape of the number three, turned sideways to resemble something that would remind you of Hasselhoff's most famous ex-co-star, or Tommy Lee's most famous ex-wife.

Tommy Lee: They would be pretty high. I mean, anytime I've ever needed to be more relevant I reach out to that guy. I've always looked up to him. I just wish he liked me as much as I liked him.

Voiceover: They're on a boat alone and they want to keep it that way.

The scene cuts to Tommy Lee's character, crying by the large boat's rail. David Hasselhoff steps behind him, trying to console his friend.

Tommy Lee: I just wish I could be as good as Jack. Everyone loves him and they all hate me. It's why I had to beg and plead for my next match to be in my hometown. So I could get some semblance of being cared about!

David Hasselhoff: Now-now, zat is not how a champion should carry zemselves. Here, hold your arms out, even zat one. Like zis...

Hasselhoff reaches out and grabs Tommy's arms from behind him and spreads them open wide, being extra careful with the one arm not sure if it's a prosthetic or not. Tommy Lee looks up and is amazed at the view, loving the feeling of the wind whipping through his greasy black hair.

Tommy Lee: You're right. I do have the crown. I'm... I'M THE KING OF THE WORL- OUCH! Did you just poke me with your-?

David Hasselhoff takes a step back while bending a bit to still hold onto Tommy's arms but putting space between the lower halves of their bodies.

Voiceover: David Hasselhoff as Zoran Sainovic!

David Hasselhoff: Um, sorry, zat was just a knife.

Tommy Lee looks back at Hasselhoff, and his eyes glance down as he smiles.

Voiceover: Tommy Lee as Dylan Black!

Tommy Lee: Cute knife but look at this sword!

**unzipping noise**

Voiceover: TRI-TANIC... in theaters nowhere, just like Steve Awesome's movies.

As Jack Diamond's theme song plays, the scene opens back up inside of a studio. The live audience is cheering loudly, either because they are truly excited to be there or they are just good at following the direction of the lit up "Applause, please" sign above their heads. The stage in front of them is set up to look like a nighttime talk show. There is a house band waiting to play to the left, while they vibe to the sounds of Jack's music. The middle houses a stage in front of a red velvet curtain. The right of the stage is a very comfortable looking couch beside a huge cherry-oak desk. On the desk sits two white coffee mugs with poker chips on them. As the crowd gets louder, the curtains open and out steps Jack Diamond. He's a little bruised up from his recent GFC fight, but other than that he looks like a million bucks. He walks to the middle of the stage clapping his hands and waving at the crowd, a huge smile on his face. He waits a moment, taking a quick bow as his music fades out until you can only hear the loud crowd. They die down as he begins to speak.

Jack Diamond: Wow! Thank you! Welcome, welcome, welcome! It's the long-anticipated return of ALL-IN, TONIGHT! With me! Jack Diamond!

More cheers, but again is Jack that favorable with the Massachusetts mass, or is it the sign?

Jack Diamond: What an amazing crowd! Give it up to Foxborough and the entire state of Massachusetts for that matter! I have to say though, I wasn't sure on my way to my rental in Cape Cod, if I was going to make it. I mean, it seems like the state flower in Massachusetts is an orange barrel.

A "Laugh" sign lights up as laughter is also pumped through the sound system. Some in the crowd cheered at the accuracy of that comment.

Jack Diamond: I'm serious, there was so much road construction on your highways here, I didn't think it'd ever end. As a matter of fact, when I saw the "End Road Work" sign I thought to myself, "These protesters are getting out of hand these days." Heck, here in Foxborough there are apparently four seasons. Football Season, Winter, Almost Summer and Road Construction.

Jack pauses for more laughter.

Jack Diamond: The only thing more plentiful in this state than road construction is Dunkin. My goodness, there was a Dunkin Donuts every block. It didn't take me long to figure out why Mongo booked The Rumble here... the man eats more donuts than the entire Norfolk County Sheriff department!

A Dunkin chant breaks out in the crowd and Jack notices a deputy in the crowd, fully dressed in his work attire.

Jack Diamond: Oh shit, NC Sheriffs in the house! Make some noise!

The audience cheers loudly out of respect for the deputy and you can tell it embarrassed him slightly.

Jack Diamond: Hey, when you are done enjoying the show, I've got someone who should be investigated for fraud, Steve Awesome. You should arrest him for being such a poor actor. The only acting job he's ever successfully performed, is the time he acted like he was a wrestler! If I hadn't seen a couple of his horrible movies I would actually be on the "Steve for an Oscar" bandwagon because I've never seen a less talented wrestler stay as relevant as he has for so long to the point where we are both trying to match Zoran and Dylan's three reigns.

TRI-TAN-IC!

TRI-TAN-IC!

TRI-TAN-IC!

Jack Diamond: See, my point exactly. Steve Awesome is so bad at acting that in a movie spoof about wrestling they went with other d-list celebrities to portray them instead of the wrestler. Yet, Steve wants to call me boring. Sure, I'm boring in the sense that I don't live in your little fantasy bang world where you actually think you are saving the world from some disaster. Steve, the only disaster that people should be saved from is having to watch you prance around the Rumble yet again and lose it...yet again.

There is a collective "Ohhhh" from the audience as Jack just shrugs it off.

Jack Diamond: Anyways, we do have an amazing show tonight. I will be joined tonight by someone that I've been connected to lately for some reason. I think we are ALL in for a treat when I sit down with JODIE DANIELS!!!

There is a delayed clap from the audience, some look on with skepticism and some look at each other trying to figure out who Jack is talking about.

Jack Diamond: So, stay tuned, there is no telling who may pop in for an interview with yours truly as ALL of your favorite XHF stars are making their way into town! We'll be back after a brief word from our sponsors!

Voice Over: It's the taste born in the Carolina's.

The sound of the tab on a soda can opening rings out.

Voice Over: And I'm not just talking about Jack Diamond.

The camera comes into focus as Jack Diamond takes a swig from a soda can. He lets out a refreshing "ahh'' and holds the blue can up so the red, white and blue circular logo is seen.

Voice Over: Pepsi, Something for Everyone.

Jack chugs the soda, letting out a loud belch before crunching the can in his hands.

Jack Diamond: Now, THAT is good Pepsi, man!

Jack tosses the can away as the scene fades.

As the advertisement fades out, the feed goes back to the studio where Jack Diamond is now sitting behind the large desk, tapping his fingers to the beat of the song that is being played by the house band. The camera zooms in on him as the music dies down.

Jack Diamond: Welcome back! My first guest this evening is very controversial. She is the subject of ire from not only my lovely wife but one of my opponents in the upcoming Rumble match. Ladies and gentlemen, my first time meeting her, along with all of you... please give it up for... JODIE DANIELS!

The audience is unsure what to do, but the sound machine isn't as applause is piped in through the room. It isn't long though before those in attendance explode when they see the voluptuous blonde come through the curtains. It's not Dana Daniels ex-wife, Jodie, but instead it's adult film mega star, Stormy Daniels. Jack shakes her hand as she makes it to the couch and the two of them have a seat amongst the cat calls from the crowd.

Jack Diamond: Thank you so much for being here, Jodie.

Stormy Daniels: Stormy.

Jack Diamond: No, it's pretty sunny today. Anyways, I'm dying to know, and I think the entire world is for that matter, what Dana did to cause you to walk out on him?

Stormy Daniels: Dana White?

Jack Diamond: Well, I'm not exactly sure what race has to do with it but if you say so. Anyways you must have hurt him in a major way for him to get fixated on me, thinking that you ran off with me. I mean, this is the first time we've met.

Stormy Daniels: You don't remember that time at the AVN event?

Jack Diamond: No, sorry I don't remember working for that fed. But listen, Jodie...

Stormy Daniels: Stormy.

Jack looks up at the skylight in the studio.

Jack Diamond: Nope, still clear skies. Anyways, I know you are a busy woman, Jodie, what with trying to find a new man that actually satisfies you instead of playing with bees, living in a whole new world or hanging out with racers.  Speaking of racers, live, via satellite I have someone I'd like you to meet, I plucked him right out of Nascar... well, at least a Nascar sanctioned league... the greatest Wheelman I've ever met as well as a true friend... Tug Stephens! Tug, can you hear me?

On the screen there is a delay, roughly five seconds where you can tell Tug is reacting to things Jack had said already. After the quick silence Tug nods.

Tug Stephens: Yeah, I'm here. What did you need? I'm making sure the venue is secure. Everything ok?

Jack Diamond: Oh, sorry, look, that's more important. I'll be your wingman and set everything up.

Tug Stephens: Wingman? For what? Hey what are you doin-

Jack ends the satellite feed.

Jack Diamond: He's very good at his job, unlike your ex-husband. I mean I'm not exactly sure what your ex-husband does, but Tug was the King of the Dirt Ovals in Alabama before I hired him to come drive and do security for me, where he has excelled. But listen, I know Dana is hell bent on getting you back, but he's not going to be able to work, maybe not even walk when the Rumble is over. People like him don't last long.... Tug on the other hand...

Stormy Daniels: I mean, I can tug with both.

Jack Diamond: Woah Jodie...Whoa... there may be children watching this... I think that is enough of that but thank you again for coming out. It was a pleasure to meet you.

Stormy stands up and goes to give Jack a hug, but he waves her off.

Jack Diamond: No, sorry, I'm trying to stay in the good graces of my wife and the last thing I need to have her do is turn on the TV and see you hugging me, Jodie. As a matter of fact, you may need to avoid Tug too. Hell, you probably should go back to Dana because he is going to need someone to take care of him after The Rumble. Anyways, we'll be right back!

Jack motions for Stormy to exit the stage.

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The Diamond Training Facility, Opening May 1st, 2023.

Are you DTF?

We return to the studio where Jack sits at the desks, leaning back in his chair tossing a, from the looks of it, slightly deflated football in the air. He looks at the camera and acts surprised as he lets the ball drop to the floor. He straightens up in the chair and we see that he is wearing his GFC golden gloves around his neck. He clears his throat.

Jack Diamond: Oh, welcome back. Sorry about that. Now, there was some miscommunication when the producers found out that XHF was doing their next event in Foxborough. I guess they had been under a rock since the early two-thousands and had never heard of the place, so they took the literal meaning of a "Fox Borough" and assumed we were close to the hometown of Bloodied Fox, not Dylan Black. After the mix up, they tried to get them both on for an interview. How great would that have been? The two GFC Ultimate Brawler captains in one room? But either they ignored the call, or I gave the producers the wrong numbers. In any case, I hope the replacement is suitable. Please welcome my next guests... Bloodied Foxhound and Dylan Bulldog!

The audience claps as a middle-aged guy walks out from behind the curtain leading two dogs to the couch. Jack stands, watching the dogs trot out with amusement. As the handler picks both dogs up and sits them on the couch, Jack sits down.

Jack Diamond: Dylan... Fox... How are you both doing?

Jack reaches over to pet the bulldog and it starts growling at Jack. The crowd laughs as Jack comically pulls his hand back.

Jack Diamond: Easy boy! I know I struck a chord with you about being a piss poor leader, but you don't have to bite me. You do that and I may have to go into another retirement...right? That's what you think I do, right?  Tuck the proverbial tail and run away.  Is that it?  I think that is bullshit, what do you think, Fox?

The foxhound barks twice as if speaking. Jack nods in agreement.

Jack Diamond: Yeah, I know Dylan is a little uptight, but maybe one day you'll know what it's like to have to defend the X*Crown. It's hard man. And poor Dylan, he always gets a little shy when he's in the same ring as me. The kid idolizes me after all... isn't that right little buddy?

Jack tries to pet Dylan Bulldog again and the dog growls and snorts.

Jack Diamond: Okay, okay, I get it... broody Dylan trying to be tough in front of his hometown crowd. I bet you are going to have people in the crowd during The Rumble that you went to school with.  Ex-girlfriends maybe.  Family members will be there to cheer you on.  I bet you are freaking out on the inside. Should I go get your Anomoly mask so you can pretend it makes you as invisible as your leadership skills? You see...dog, you are absolutely right in that you drafted your team for GFC and most of them let you down. You could have done something though... a true captain knows how to motivate their troops. Instead, you just worried about what ole Fox over here was doing. You failed, Dylan, if you don't believe me look at your GFC record. How do you expect to lead a team with that kind of performance? You crumbled under the pressure, just like you will in the Rumble... but I'm going to make damn sure Fox doesn't walk away with bragging rights over you like he did from GFC... because I AM going to be the one to beat you. Sure, I want to win the X*Crown but now I have every intention to beat all these other people just so they don't eliminate you. I want it to come down to the two of us in that match. As you hit the outside of the ring and see me standing victorious in the middle, I want it to leave just as sour of a taste in your mouth as it did when ICW closed before you got your shot at me there.

Jack pauses and waits for an answer that doesn't come.

Jack Diamond: Just like I thought, when the pressure is on you disappear. As for you, Bloodied Fox, congratulations on your team winning GFC. But you see these gloves? It means you didn't win anything. A participation trophy is all. But I was notified earlier today that you get a shot at the GFC Championship in the future, so I am going to do you a favor. I'm going to eliminate you from the Rumble so you can begin focusing on training for the fight with me, down the road. You are going to need that or else you are going to be just the next victim of a Jack Diamond knockout.

Jack smiles a smug grin before turning to the camera.

Jack Diamond: Hi Aiden, I hope you’re able to eat solid foods today after that kick. Just know if you think of paying me back at the Rumble, you are going to be put down like a stack of bricks quicker than last night! Anyways back to my dogs… You know, it's eerie just how much this felt like both Dylan and Fox were actually here. I want to thank the Norfolk County Pet Shelter for- oh no! Fox is humping Dylan!

The camera pans to the couch and the foxhound are going to town on the bulldog, who is just sitting there and taking it while snorting.

Jack Diamond: Uh, go to break...Go to Break!

The scene opens to a family all standing around while the father sets up a camera on a tripod across the room. He looks back at his family and then at the camera trying to make sure they are all framed nicely. He hits a button and trots over to them.

Father: Ok everyone... Say CHEEZ!

Family In Unison: CHEEZ!

Nothing happens. They all look around confused and the father starts to walk over but the flash goes off, blinding him and he trips and falls. The rest of the family rushes over to check on the father and he just starts laughing.

Father: Oh shucks, our Cheez failed again!

He shrugs as the following pops up on the screen before it fades out:

"Just Smile...Because Cheez doesn't cut it."

The studio feed comes back, and Jack is brushing dog hair off his suit. He is standing in front of his desk.

Jack Diamond: And we’re back. We were supposed to be joined by Donzig tonight but apparently, he was just yelling at construction workers and never made it. So that is our show but before we go I’d like to just say that you guys have been an amazing audience tonight. Please make sure you subscribe and tune in to the XHF Network in two weeks for The Rumble! You will witness Jack Diamond throwing ten, twenty, thirty-some people out of that ring and holding the X*Crown high at the end of the night. It doesn’t matter if you are my boss…

Jack stops to focus on the camera for a moment.

Jack Diamond: Tick tock Cross, you need to ink a deal! It doesn’t matter if you think you are immortal, or if you’ve held more titles that me, it doesn’t matter if you are bigger, older, smaller, or younger…it doesn’t matter if you have people do your dirty work for you nor does it matter if you were somehow tricked into this match. At the end of the day none of that matters. All that matters is Jack Diamond winning the Rumble and once again becoming X*Crown Champion!

Jack pauses and soaks in the applause, no sign needed this time.

Jack Diamond: I want to thank everyone who made tonight special, The Hoff, Tommy Lee, Stormy Daniels, The Norfolk County Animal Shelter and the Norfolk County Sheriff Department. We end tonight with one of my guests, Mr. Tommy Lee, joined by a few people that form a little band you may know! Here tonight playing a song I’ve been forced to listen to way too many times over the years…. Please welcome MOTLEY FUCKING CRUE and their song MORTHER FUCKER OF THE YEAR!!!

Jack Diamond: Yes! HERE I AM AGAIN! After April 30th I will be TAPOUT Openweight champion, GFC Champion, X*Crown Champion…and yes The Mother Fucker Of The Year! Goodnight!!!

Jack walks over and shakes the band's hands as the scene fades to a close.