Depression, thy name is Quake
Apr 20, 2023 17:40:59 GMT -5
Mongo the Destroyer, Dave D-Flipz, and 6 more like this
Post by Venom 🕷 on Apr 20, 2023 17:40:59 GMT -5
Boston, Mass.
The streets are quiet outside of a little dive bar in a part of the city most people don’t frequent. The lights barely work and the cars parked here aren’t ones you’d worry about getting stolen. On this street are old restaurants, liquor stores, and one place that interests us, an old dive bar. We travel inside and it’s slow and quiet. A pair of older men with nothing better to do play billiards while just one man sits at the bar across from the sleepy bar tender. He’s got a beer sitting in front of him and he takes a sip. Probably Sam Adam’s in the glass because we’re in Boston and a dive like this surely doesn’t serve Super Sake. The man doesn’t speak, but he’s thinking loud enough for all of us to hear.
What have I done to bring myself here. I used to be a highly respected wrestler. I had feuds with amazing wrestlers like Dave Holland, Nelly Angel, and more in the OG XHF. I was the XHF Junior Heavyweight Champion when it was more than a plaything to keep the small guys happy. I fucking won Cruiserfest! Now I get a shot at that title and instead of taking it serious, I make it a joke.
Atlanta, GA
April 1, 2023
Backstage before the GUN Show we see both members of Off the Wagon in the locker room. Randy is hyping up his partner as he prepares for his XHF Junior Heavyweight Championship Match to open tonight’s show.
Randy: You’ve got this Trips. You’re going to go out there and show that punk kid that he doesn’t get to pass go and he doesn’t collect $200.
Quake: That kid probably doesn’t even know how to play Monopoly. He would probably want to be the wheelbarrow if he did. What a stupid piece.
Randy: Worst piece in the game.
Quake: Of course it is. I’m gonna teach him. In the immortal words of Denzel Washington, “He’s gonna learn today.”
Randy: Yes he is! And this idea of yours, it’s brilliant!
Quake: Of course it is. The Mental Murderer is always one step ahead. With this Super Sake costume on that kid won’t be able to hurt me at all. He can punch and kick his heart out and I won’t feel a thing. He’ll wear himself out and then I’ll drop on top of him for the win.
Randy: It’s the best of both worlds. You market our sponsorship and you’re protected! What could go wrong?
Boston, Mass
So many things could go wrong, and predictably they did. I fell and in that stupid suit and without a partner for help I couldn’t get up. I was stuck. My shot at the title I once held all those years back vanished as quickly as all your money when you land on Boardwalk.
I was a joke. I was laughed out of the arena. It’s fine. I made the choice myself. I should’ve known the consequences. But did I? Five years ago I wouldn’t have made this choice. Five years ago you wouldn’t catch me willingly teaming with Randy Angel. Five years ago I carried a chip, not on my shoulder, but in my pocket that meant a lot to me. But look at me now. I’m in this dive bar drinking a beer I don’t even enjoy.
Quake reaches out and lifts the beer mug to his lips. He takes a nice long sip and sets it back down. A little shiver goes down his spine and his face skews as he sets it back down.
But it hasn’t all been bad right? It can’t have been. I’ve won more belts in these five years with Randy than I did my entire career prior and I’ve had more singles title opportunities than I ever have. No, it can’t be as bad as I’ve made it out to be. I’ve had big wins. Right? It’s been worth it hasn't it?
Kameoka, Japan
July 30, 2022
I have had huge wins. I have gone to new levels. Alongside Randy we beat the greatest “super team” that’s ever been created, twice. I’ve pinned the face of the XHF Network. I’ve become a two-time Super Duos Champion. I’ve been a GUNS Tag Team Champion. My name and successful tag team wrestling go hand in hand, but how did I do all of that while looking so ridiculous at times? Do I have to look so ridiculous at times? Is that how I’m able to go to that new level when I need to?
Boston, Mass
How do I even answer these questions while sitting here in this old stale dive bar? Do I put this beer down, walk down the street to the all night coffee shop, and sober up for the first time in five years? Is that what I need to do to figure this out, to see if I can still be the successful champion without all of the Super Sake to power me to victory?
The old barkeep walks down the bar to Quake and nods to him and says.
Barkeep: Top that off for ya?
Quake thinks hard for a moment, should he take the drink or move on? His will isn’t strong enough and he nods yes. The barkeep grabs his glass and fills it up and gives it back. Quake nods to say ‘thank you’ and grabs the full glass and takes a sip
I may want to change, but I can’t bring myself to do it today. How can I change and go back to what I was now? If I changed. If I went back. I wouldn’t be able to stand teaming with Randy. I tried to avoid it many times before and he just wouldn’t let me be.
Orlando, Fl
March 2, 2018
We found ourselves in the same company back in 2018. I did my best to avoid him. I signed up as a singles competitor and thrived in the International division capturing the belt. Without my knowing, though, Randy had other plans for us. He signed up a team “Off the Wagon” for the tag division. That wasn’t a name I’d heard since a black out run in XHF: No Marcy. I was pissed when I found out.
Backstage at Premier Pro Wrestling we find a younger and more sober Kris Quake is stomping through the halls. He turns right and kicks in a locker room door.
Quake: Where is that moron?
Randy: Oh, hey best friend! Glad you’re here.
Quake: First off, I am not your best friend. Second, how could you sign us up for the tag division without talking to me first?
Randy: You didn’t get my note?
Quake: Note?
Randy happily walks over to Quake’s locker and picks up a crumbled piece of paper at the bottom. He unfolds it and reveals a note that is completely illegible.
Randy: See? You looked at it.
Quake: What?
Randy: I left this note in your locker. You looked at it and didn’t yell at me so I assumed you were up for it.
Quake: Those aren’t even words on that paper. It’s just scribbled lines. How was I supposed to know what that was.
Randy: What do you mean? It’s pretty clearly says, “Wanna team? Check no for no and crumble up and leave on the floor if you say yes.”
Boston, Mass
I stared at him for a solid couple minutes and he just smiled back at me. I didn’t know what to say to that drunk logic. How can I argue with that? So I worked with him and we had great success and captured the tag team gold, but the second I could I ran away from the team because I couldn’t handle him sober, and I liked being sober. So when did I fall off the wagon? When did I turn into this? Should I change it all?
Just then the doors to the dive bar fly open and in walks the man himself, Randy Angel. Quake turns his head slightly and gives his tag team partner a nod.
Randy: What’s wrong bud? You’re looking down.
Quake: Nothing
Quake replied sheepishly. Randy sees this and walks over to Quake and sits next to him at the bar. He takes a glance at his beer and pats his partner on the back.
Randy: I know what’s wrong.
Quake: You do?
Randy: Yeah. Bad beer has got you down. You’re clearly thinking about how your life would be different if you made different decisions five years ago.
Quake: That’s eerily dead on. How’d you know?
Randy: Because American beer is depressing. Drink Super Sake Japanese rice beer and always have a good time!
Randy lifts his arms up and magically has a case of Super Sake rice beer. Then we fade to black and the following worlds appear on the screen.
”Don’t drink yourself depressed.
Drink Super Sake rice beer always have a good time.”
New scene entirely. Long gone is the dusty old dive bar and the sleepy bartender. Now we just see a blank canvas until on Kris “Triple” Quake walks on camera. The Mental Murderer is looking jacked in a sleeveless Jean jacket and with a standard 16 oz hammer in one hand and a bottle of Flinestone vitamins in the other. He stomps around before looking hard into the camera.
Quake: The rumble is fast approaching and only one thing is on the Monopoly’s mind. How can two Jabroni teams from J-Rok, where the Monopoly is the king of tag team wrestling, really stand up against Off the Wagon?
Quake pops the top off of the vitamins and pops two of them in his mouth.
Quake: These two teams are so below the level of the Monopoly and Off the Wagon that one of them is just a know off of us! Super Frenimies? More like Super Wannabes! Because you wanna be us! You get it? They get it.
Quake laughs at his own joke and then goes full serious again.
Quake: They say that imitation is the truest form of flattery, but you know what Super Frenimies, I’m not flattered in the least. No. The Monopoly doesn’t appreciate his completely original work being copied. That’s why for the third time my partner and I are going to take you to Park Place!
Quake reaches up and wipes his lips.
Quake: But they’re not the only team in this match. Somehow another team well below me in J-Rok managed to wrangle the global belts before us. They’ve got the dumbest name ever, Black Knife Cabal, and they abbreviate it BKC.
Quake rolled his eyes.
Quake: Everyone knows the K is silent! These idiots don’t even know how to properly abbreviate! It should be BNC! The Monopoly can’t stand for someone that stupid holding the top titles in the Network. That’s why Off the Wagon will knock you right off the top! When you fall, though, don’t worry. We’ll make sure it’s a soft landing because the Monopoly doesn’t want you to crash and burn, just not to pass go and not collect $200 and there’s nothing you can do to stop us!
Quake spits vitamins into the camera and we fade.
The streets are quiet outside of a little dive bar in a part of the city most people don’t frequent. The lights barely work and the cars parked here aren’t ones you’d worry about getting stolen. On this street are old restaurants, liquor stores, and one place that interests us, an old dive bar. We travel inside and it’s slow and quiet. A pair of older men with nothing better to do play billiards while just one man sits at the bar across from the sleepy bar tender. He’s got a beer sitting in front of him and he takes a sip. Probably Sam Adam’s in the glass because we’re in Boston and a dive like this surely doesn’t serve Super Sake. The man doesn’t speak, but he’s thinking loud enough for all of us to hear.
What have I done to bring myself here. I used to be a highly respected wrestler. I had feuds with amazing wrestlers like Dave Holland, Nelly Angel, and more in the OG XHF. I was the XHF Junior Heavyweight Champion when it was more than a plaything to keep the small guys happy. I fucking won Cruiserfest! Now I get a shot at that title and instead of taking it serious, I make it a joke.
Atlanta, GA
April 1, 2023
Backstage before the GUN Show we see both members of Off the Wagon in the locker room. Randy is hyping up his partner as he prepares for his XHF Junior Heavyweight Championship Match to open tonight’s show.
Randy: You’ve got this Trips. You’re going to go out there and show that punk kid that he doesn’t get to pass go and he doesn’t collect $200.
Quake: That kid probably doesn’t even know how to play Monopoly. He would probably want to be the wheelbarrow if he did. What a stupid piece.
Randy: Worst piece in the game.
Quake: Of course it is. I’m gonna teach him. In the immortal words of Denzel Washington, “He’s gonna learn today.”
Randy: Yes he is! And this idea of yours, it’s brilliant!
Quake: Of course it is. The Mental Murderer is always one step ahead. With this Super Sake costume on that kid won’t be able to hurt me at all. He can punch and kick his heart out and I won’t feel a thing. He’ll wear himself out and then I’ll drop on top of him for the win.
Randy: It’s the best of both worlds. You market our sponsorship and you’re protected! What could go wrong?
Boston, Mass
So many things could go wrong, and predictably they did. I fell and in that stupid suit and without a partner for help I couldn’t get up. I was stuck. My shot at the title I once held all those years back vanished as quickly as all your money when you land on Boardwalk.
I was a joke. I was laughed out of the arena. It’s fine. I made the choice myself. I should’ve known the consequences. But did I? Five years ago I wouldn’t have made this choice. Five years ago you wouldn’t catch me willingly teaming with Randy Angel. Five years ago I carried a chip, not on my shoulder, but in my pocket that meant a lot to me. But look at me now. I’m in this dive bar drinking a beer I don’t even enjoy.
Quake reaches out and lifts the beer mug to his lips. He takes a nice long sip and sets it back down. A little shiver goes down his spine and his face skews as he sets it back down.
But it hasn’t all been bad right? It can’t have been. I’ve won more belts in these five years with Randy than I did my entire career prior and I’ve had more singles title opportunities than I ever have. No, it can’t be as bad as I’ve made it out to be. I’ve had big wins. Right? It’s been worth it hasn't it?
Kameoka, Japan
July 30, 2022
Randy tags in Quake. He gets handed over a bottle of Super Sake and downs it all. Dylan starts punching him, hitting him with everything he’s got, but Kris is unphased.
Psycho KGB: “(Kris downed a whole bottle of Super Sake! Either he’s too drunk to feel pain or super sake just gave him super strength!)”
He goes full denim jacket triple h on Dylan, hitting him with some punches before throwing him into the ropes he hits him with his drought yakuza kick before picking him back up and hitting him with the Park Place pedigree. The pin attempt and…
ONE!
TWO!!
THREE!!
NO KICK OUT! Dylan Black kicks out!
Quake downs another bottle of Super Sake, now he’s starting to have an almost greenish glow around him. His hair starts to raise up almost like an anime character. He begins to scream like he’s powering up in dragon ball z, downing a third bottle, he changes. Almost like another man he hits another Park Place. And another. He pins him again.
ONE!
TWO!!
THREE!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!DING DING DING !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
MUSHI: “(With the power of Super Sake, Off The Wagon went to another realm and they won this match!)”
Psycho KGB: “(Kris downed a whole bottle of Super Sake! Either he’s too drunk to feel pain or super sake just gave him super strength!)”
He goes full denim jacket triple h on Dylan, hitting him with some punches before throwing him into the ropes he hits him with his drought yakuza kick before picking him back up and hitting him with the Park Place pedigree. The pin attempt and…
ONE!
TWO!!
THREE!!
NO KICK OUT! Dylan Black kicks out!
Quake downs another bottle of Super Sake, now he’s starting to have an almost greenish glow around him. His hair starts to raise up almost like an anime character. He begins to scream like he’s powering up in dragon ball z, downing a third bottle, he changes. Almost like another man he hits another Park Place. And another. He pins him again.
ONE!
TWO!!
THREE!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!DING DING DING !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
MUSHI: “(With the power of Super Sake, Off The Wagon went to another realm and they won this match!)”
I have had huge wins. I have gone to new levels. Alongside Randy we beat the greatest “super team” that’s ever been created, twice. I’ve pinned the face of the XHF Network. I’ve become a two-time Super Duos Champion. I’ve been a GUNS Tag Team Champion. My name and successful tag team wrestling go hand in hand, but how did I do all of that while looking so ridiculous at times? Do I have to look so ridiculous at times? Is that how I’m able to go to that new level when I need to?
Boston, Mass
How do I even answer these questions while sitting here in this old stale dive bar? Do I put this beer down, walk down the street to the all night coffee shop, and sober up for the first time in five years? Is that what I need to do to figure this out, to see if I can still be the successful champion without all of the Super Sake to power me to victory?
The old barkeep walks down the bar to Quake and nods to him and says.
Barkeep: Top that off for ya?
Quake thinks hard for a moment, should he take the drink or move on? His will isn’t strong enough and he nods yes. The barkeep grabs his glass and fills it up and gives it back. Quake nods to say ‘thank you’ and grabs the full glass and takes a sip
I may want to change, but I can’t bring myself to do it today. How can I change and go back to what I was now? If I changed. If I went back. I wouldn’t be able to stand teaming with Randy. I tried to avoid it many times before and he just wouldn’t let me be.
Orlando, Fl
March 2, 2018
We found ourselves in the same company back in 2018. I did my best to avoid him. I signed up as a singles competitor and thrived in the International division capturing the belt. Without my knowing, though, Randy had other plans for us. He signed up a team “Off the Wagon” for the tag division. That wasn’t a name I’d heard since a black out run in XHF: No Marcy. I was pissed when I found out.
Backstage at Premier Pro Wrestling we find a younger and more sober Kris Quake is stomping through the halls. He turns right and kicks in a locker room door.
Quake: Where is that moron?
Randy: Oh, hey best friend! Glad you’re here.
Quake: First off, I am not your best friend. Second, how could you sign us up for the tag division without talking to me first?
Randy: You didn’t get my note?
Quake: Note?
Randy happily walks over to Quake’s locker and picks up a crumbled piece of paper at the bottom. He unfolds it and reveals a note that is completely illegible.
Randy: See? You looked at it.
Quake: What?
Randy: I left this note in your locker. You looked at it and didn’t yell at me so I assumed you were up for it.
Quake: Those aren’t even words on that paper. It’s just scribbled lines. How was I supposed to know what that was.
Randy: What do you mean? It’s pretty clearly says, “Wanna team? Check no for no and crumble up and leave on the floor if you say yes.”
Boston, Mass
I stared at him for a solid couple minutes and he just smiled back at me. I didn’t know what to say to that drunk logic. How can I argue with that? So I worked with him and we had great success and captured the tag team gold, but the second I could I ran away from the team because I couldn’t handle him sober, and I liked being sober. So when did I fall off the wagon? When did I turn into this? Should I change it all?
Just then the doors to the dive bar fly open and in walks the man himself, Randy Angel. Quake turns his head slightly and gives his tag team partner a nod.
Randy: What’s wrong bud? You’re looking down.
Quake: Nothing
Quake replied sheepishly. Randy sees this and walks over to Quake and sits next to him at the bar. He takes a glance at his beer and pats his partner on the back.
Randy: I know what’s wrong.
Quake: You do?
Randy: Yeah. Bad beer has got you down. You’re clearly thinking about how your life would be different if you made different decisions five years ago.
Quake: That’s eerily dead on. How’d you know?
Randy: Because American beer is depressing. Drink Super Sake Japanese rice beer and always have a good time!
Randy lifts his arms up and magically has a case of Super Sake rice beer. Then we fade to black and the following worlds appear on the screen.
”Don’t drink yourself depressed.
Drink Super Sake rice beer always have a good time.”
New scene entirely. Long gone is the dusty old dive bar and the sleepy bartender. Now we just see a blank canvas until on Kris “Triple” Quake walks on camera. The Mental Murderer is looking jacked in a sleeveless Jean jacket and with a standard 16 oz hammer in one hand and a bottle of Flinestone vitamins in the other. He stomps around before looking hard into the camera.
Quake: The rumble is fast approaching and only one thing is on the Monopoly’s mind. How can two Jabroni teams from J-Rok, where the Monopoly is the king of tag team wrestling, really stand up against Off the Wagon?
Quake pops the top off of the vitamins and pops two of them in his mouth.
Quake: These two teams are so below the level of the Monopoly and Off the Wagon that one of them is just a know off of us! Super Frenimies? More like Super Wannabes! Because you wanna be us! You get it? They get it.
Quake laughs at his own joke and then goes full serious again.
Quake: They say that imitation is the truest form of flattery, but you know what Super Frenimies, I’m not flattered in the least. No. The Monopoly doesn’t appreciate his completely original work being copied. That’s why for the third time my partner and I are going to take you to Park Place!
Quake reaches up and wipes his lips.
Quake: But they’re not the only team in this match. Somehow another team well below me in J-Rok managed to wrangle the global belts before us. They’ve got the dumbest name ever, Black Knife Cabal, and they abbreviate it BKC.
Quake rolled his eyes.
Quake: Everyone knows the K is silent! These idiots don’t even know how to properly abbreviate! It should be BNC! The Monopoly can’t stand for someone that stupid holding the top titles in the Network. That’s why Off the Wagon will knock you right off the top! When you fall, though, don’t worry. We’ll make sure it’s a soft landing because the Monopoly doesn’t want you to crash and burn, just not to pass go and not collect $200 and there’s nothing you can do to stop us!
Quake spits vitamins into the camera and we fade.
