COCK AL VAN [JABRONI JHW PROMO]
Apr 21, 2023 14:16:09 GMT -5
Mongo the Destroyer, Dave D-Flipz, and 5 more like this
Post by Cross Recoba on Apr 21, 2023 14:16:09 GMT -5
INT. DINO BONES CASTLE - NIGHT
OVER BLACK
TITLE: ROCKY WOULD HAVE BEEN BETTER TRAINING THIS WAY
JABRONI enters, laden with a bag of groceries.
JABRONI leans forward. A lifetime of self-abuse has left his eyesight worse for wear.
JABRONI looks worried for a millisecond before shrugging and adding OIL.
The fatty meat sizzles with the hot oil and staggers JABRONI back.
JABRONI does so, turns out he has a papercut and a girlish scream cuts through the sizzling. He leaps right in.
JABRONI looks at his hands and sees them start cracking and cries.
JABRONI does so and climbs out.
A bag of roughly-chopped ONIONS is thrown over.
JABRONI follows with GARLIC by the tonne. He stirs.
JABRONI swigs a huge amount of BRANDY. He then empties a bottle into the ‘bath’. Stirring, he then adds a gallon of WINE.
JABRONI throws in TOMATO PASTE, several BAY LEAVES, THYME, SALT, SUGAR, and BALSAMIC VINEGAR.
STOCK, of dubious sources, is added.
JABRONI loads a sack of CARROTS onto his back and climbs in sheepishly.
JABRONI closes the lid. A partially-melted corpse floats to the surface.
OVER BLACK
TITLE: TWENTY MINUTES LATER
JABRONI quickly presses the lid off him, whimpering as he does so and gathers the MUSHROOMS, throwing them in before adding himself back to the training broth.
DINO BONES ENTERS.
DINO BONES plucks JABRONI out and plants him face-down. DINO BONES prods at the muscles of JABRONI.
DINO BONES goes to pick up a CARVING FORK AND KNIFE but a PHONE goes off.
CUT TO:
INT. JANICE DICKINSON’S WEIGHT CONTROL SCHOOL FOR MODELS AGAINST BALENCIAGA
We see BLOBBY in front of a TELEVISION. TYRA BANKS is eviscerating ANY MODEL EVER ON THE SHOW.
BLOBBY is in tears. JANICE DICKINSON stands over him.
The timestamp on the VIDEO shows it has been going for NINETEEN HOURS!! That’s not an object, that’s emphasis!!!
CUT TO:
INT. DINO BONES CASTLE - NIGHT
JABRONI nods furiously and gets up.
JABRONI mouths ‘I HAVE TO GO’ to DINO BONES.
EXIT JABRONI…not chased by the disembodied skeleton of a dinosaur, Shakespeare wouldn’t lend Dino Bones a bear either…not after the last one.
OVER BLACK
TITLE: ROCKY WOULD HAVE BEEN BETTER TRAINING THIS WAY
AL JABRONI (OS)
I got all the things you needed from the store…
JABRONI enters, laden with a bag of groceries.
AL JABRONI (CONT’D)
Is this part of my training? Weights and all that?
DINO BONES (OS) (Caught off-guard)
YES, MEAT-BAG, OF COURSE! PUT IT IN THAT FLESHLING STRAINER…I MEAN ‘TRAINING VESSEL’ IN FRONT OF YOU! I’VE LEFT THE INSTRUCTIONS THERE.
JABRONI leans forward. A lifetime of self-abuse has left his eyesight worse for wear.
AL JABRONI (slowly)
Just got to pour in some oil?
JABRONI looks worried for a millisecond before shrugging and adding OIL.
AL JABRONI (CONT’D)
Throw in some pancetta…
AL JABRONI (CONT’D)
Is the pancetta to test my reflexes?
DINO BONES (OS)
YES! AND FAT DRAWS OUT FAT, WE CAN’T HAVE YOU UNDERWEIGHT AND PUDGY FOR THIS …MATCH!
AL JABRONI
Thanks! Maybe that’s why Thespian doesn’t have a face. He couldn’t handle the French method of training!
DINO BONES (OS)
EXACTLY! NOW, ROLL IN THE SALT AND PEPPER TRAYS, IT’LL PROTECT YOU AGAINST THE HEAT AS YOU NEED TO FISH OUT THAT PANCETTA FOR NOW!
JABRONI does so, turns out he has a papercut and a girlish scream cuts through the sizzling. He leaps right in.
AL JABRONI
JESUS! This hurts more than a Cheez promo! This hurts more than a Cheez promo where he decides to embrace the arrogance of John Romero and the ego of Johnathan Blow!!
DINO BONES (OS)
MY YELP CO-REVIEWER, EL REY, COMPETES IN FAR WORSE MATCHES, BE GLAD I DIDN’T GO FOR LEGO TRAINING!
AL JABRONI
It really burns…unlike his promos!
DINO BONES (OS)
THIS IS TO BUILD UP YOUR STAMINA, YOU’RE CHRONICALLY UNDERWEIGHT! CRISPY?
JABRONI looks at his hands and sees them start cracking and cries.
DINO BONES (OS) (CONT’D)
GOOD, MEAL TICKET! NOW, SHOVEL OUT THE OIL!
JABRONI does so and climbs out.
AL JABRONI (reading)
Add the onions…
A bag of roughly-chopped ONIONS is thrown over.
DINO BONES (OS)
WE’LL HAVE YOU ON THE WEIGHT-LIMIT IN TIME FOR THAT MATCH…AT LEAST WHEN I’M WATCHING, ANYWAYS.
JABRONI follows with GARLIC by the tonne. He stirs.
AL JABRONI
Did Olivia Newton-John really do this workout?
DINO BONES (OS)
YES! IT DROVE HER GREASY COHABITATOR TO EL ROND! BRANDY!
JABRONI swigs a huge amount of BRANDY. He then empties a bottle into the ‘bath’. Stirring, he then adds a gallon of WINE.
AL JABRONI
Who did she fight?
DINO BONES (OS)
ANOTHER STUPID APE!!
AL JABRONI
Ah, Ai Moe. Makes sense, the Eighties weren’t great for gender-equality. You know the porn studio rejected my pitch to make BLOW? A film about desperate women looking to enter the wrestling business for a slim chance at fame only to waste away into irrelevance with sexual favor after sexual favor for a push that never happened? Said SWAT might sue!
JABRONI throws in TOMATO PASTE, several BAY LEAVES, THYME, SALT, SUGAR, and BALSAMIC VINEGAR.
AL JABRONI (CONT’D)
Chicken stock? Ah…Why does it have a crew-member badge?
DINO BONES (OS)
...IF YOU SEE A CAMERAMAN CALLED CHICKEN STOCK AT THE NEXT SHOW, NOW YOU KNOW WHY!
AL JABRONI (casually)
Ohhh, right.
STOCK, of dubious sources, is added.
AL JABRONI (CONT’D)
It’s really bubbling there!
DINO BONES (OS)
STUPID APE! GET BACK IN THE POT AND TAKE SOME CARROTS WITH YOU!!
JABRONI loads a sack of CARROTS onto his back and climbs in sheepishly.
DINO BONES (OS) (CONT’D)
DON’T FORGET THE LID! IT’LL STEAM THE FAT OFF YOU!!!
JABRONI closes the lid. A partially-melted corpse floats to the surface.
AL JABRONI (panicked)
OLIVIA!!!!
DINO BONES (OS)
YOU SAID YOU WANTED TO GET PHYSICAL! OLIVIA IS ALREADY AT THE…NEXT LEVEL!
AL JABRONI
Wait…Heaven?? I knew I should have gone with Blobby to get in shape for this match!
DINO BONES (OS)
THIS METHOD KEEPS AN ENTIRE TRIBE IN PAPUA NEW GUINEA FIGHTING FIT!
AL JABRONI
WHY DIDN’T I TRAIN WITH MR MIYAGI? HE’D JUST HAVE ME AT A CAR WASH…Talking of which, Daisuke won’t be getting this kind of burn going. He’ll have no chance in the match! Be just like when he was back in NLW!
OVER BLACK
TITLE: TWENTY MINUTES LATER
DINO BONES (OS)
DID YOU FORGET THE MUSHROOMS??
DINO BONES ENTERS.
AL JABRONI
What’s in the bowl?
DINO BONES
BEURRE MANIÉ, SKINBAG! IT MEANS KNEADED BUTTER! IT WILL SOFTEN YOUR MUSCLES UP!
AL JABRONI
Excellent! I’ll be lithe and supple and win this match! I’ll bring the XHF Junior Heavyweight Title home to Dino Bones….Dino Bones!
DINO BONES
ACCEPTANCE, GOOD…NOW RELAX IN THAT FOR A FEW MINUTES AND THEN WE’VE NEARLY DONE THE IMPORTANT PART OF YOUR PREPARATIONS..
AL JABRONI
Why do you call it that? Is that a Europeanism?
AL JABRONI (CONT’D)
Excellent, a massage…no Happy Ending.
DINO BONES goes to pick up a CARVING FORK AND KNIFE but a PHONE goes off.
AL JABRONI (CONT’D)
Got to take this….HELLO?
CUT TO:
INT. JANICE DICKINSON’S WEIGHT CONTROL SCHOOL FOR MODELS AGAINST BALENCIAGA
We see BLOBBY in front of a TELEVISION. TYRA BANKS is eviscerating ANY MODEL EVER ON THE SHOW.
BLOBBY is in tears. JANICE DICKINSON stands over him.
JANICE DICKINSON
You want to corrupt my girls into taking sherbert or whatever you call it? You get to pay the same price as the rest of them. Remember, everytime Tyra fat-shames a contestant, the video doubles in length!
CUT TO:
INT. DINO BONES CASTLE - NIGHT
JABRONI nods furiously and gets up.
JABRONI mouths ‘I HAVE TO GO’ to DINO BONES.
EXIT JABRONI…not chased by the disembodied skeleton of a dinosaur, Shakespeare wouldn’t lend Dino Bones a bear either…not after the last one.
DINO BONES
RUNNING WILL MAKE YOUR MUSCLES TENSE! …curses. BUT I STILL HAVE TIME TO ORDER A SIDE OF FOGGY LEE GORN!
