mosler
Special GUNS Acess
Mosler's not here man.
Posts: 2,339
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Post by mosler on Apr 24, 2023 15:49:10 GMT -5
{{Backstage, intrepid reporter Tye Gibson is snooping.}}
{{Who is the returning SWAT star? Was it only James Fierce? Is there someone else coming back? Rarely getting a chance to use his snooping skills, Tye is a man on fire! Plus with Pesci now controlling interest in the company, it is a good time for Gibson to justify his name on the payroll.}}
{{Where to start? Everyone was at SWAT HQ last week. One person was paying attention to all their comings and goings as he tried to act like a locker room leader. Its this lead in mind that sees Tye Gibson opening the door to the private dressing room of Luchian Inc.}}
Tye Gibson: Is it true that your manager Zoran Sainovic made an appearance in the outlaw region, SWAT Backyard?
{{Inside the dressing room, sparks fly as "The Industrial Man" Attila Balan attempts to use a welding torch to incorporate a toaster into his mechanical arm. Evidently, the derisive comments by Vincent Viper in the long car ride to Turmoil left our robotic philanthropist with an inferiority complex when it came to his ability to warm up carbs on the fly. Balan looks up at the intruder with an inviting smile.}}
AB: My company employs a lot of people. Luchian compensates well, but I would never fault them for picking up freelance opportunities elsewhere. In the free spirit of commerce and industry, I openly encourage it. While I question the company that Zoran keeps, that is his choice. My prime directive's loyalty is to the great fans of Atlantic Coast.
TG: What are you doing?
AB: A hardware upgrade, would you like one?
TG: Will it make me a better reporter?
AB: The path to better journalism starts with a quick software update.
{{Before Tye can politely refuse, Balan's valet Bobbi has helped him into an industrial strength steam sauna cabinet. As Gibson starts to relax the questions just flow out...}}
L U C H I A N I N C . P R E S E N T S
T H E A S S E M B L Y L I N E
TG: When you were inviting wrestlers to ride up to Baltimore with you, did you notice any former stars that might be set to return?
AB: I thought the big surprise return was James Fierce? The Hillbilly Assassin is such a spectacular performer. I am so happy to see him back. I am really looking forward to testing my programming against his unique set of abilities. Plus I have been informed that Fierce has a wonderful recipe for a possum stew that would be perfect for an upcoming cookbook my publishing wing is developing.
TG: But no one else?
AB: You have to process that I am relatively new to the company, and while I enjoyed viewing the product as a fan back in Europe, unless its Sly Fondell or Genity Howard - my data banks do not have sufficient profiles to accurately scan for past stars. If there is another return other than Fierce, I hope it is Vampira. She seems like a nice person, and her unknown whereabouts are a stain on the chrome of this great company.
TG: Man this machine is amazing.
AB: Machines are.
{{Bobbi roles the portable sauna over to his 20' flat screen television so that Gibson can continue watching the show.}}
AB: This has been an optimal show thus far. My system required extra coolant to process the Dragon King Tatsuo Takeshi having his hard-earned victory stolen by that two-bit thug Takeda Yokosuda. During our lengthy car trip, I found Tatsuo to be an upstanding talent who can bring a lot to SWAT. Takeshi isn't the kind of person to make excuses for the defeat, but a few errors on the part of my navigator added an extra eight hours to our journey here, which is fine for a person who can bend time, but it did not help with the rest of our preparations. I take personal responsibility for trusting Timeless with the map and offer the Dragon Empire my sincerest apologies for any inconveniences it caused. Beyond the timing factor, you still have Takeda Yokosuda as a man who does not respect the sport, taking liberties, and stealing wins. I was hoping when Knife Edge ran away from our Helloween Cup match, that I could purge my random access memory of him. Sadly he continues to appear on my scans, a virus in this otherwise pristine simulation. Fortunately, I know Pheonix will stamp out that particular problem at the PPV.
TG: New Years Nightmare is really shaping up.
AB: With Pheonix putting an end to that surly yakuza wannabe Yokosuda, and my dear friend Buster winning the gold from Psychotic Goth; I'm running out of potential partners for my dance card. I will be putting the majority of my substantial resources into Buster's victory, that is the priority, but it would be nice to have a five star fight of my own. I was thinking of challenging Daniel Collins to man up after I pinned him during the Cup, prove his worth as champion, but when Kilroy Evans finishes with him this evening, Daniels will not be a champion. Do I go after Evans? That would be quite the encounter, but I would not want to come across as materialistic bot only after the titles.
TG: You haven't really talked about Beelzebozo since your loss in the finals, is there a reason for it?
AB: Buster and myself have a bond that does not require communication.
The friendship of steel.
After the first match, I congratulated him on a well-earned victory. It was not required to be spoken, but you know humans. Buster has started down a path towards maximizing his full potential. This is in line with my goals and pleases me greatly. For the next step in that journey please see Goth, Psychotic. Management pairing us up together a second time so soon after his initial triumph is an unnecessary distraction. If the audience was so enthralled by our last encounter, I will endeavor to provide them with a suitable sequel. However, recording promotional material for this contest will just create excessive data for Buster to process, distracting him from the Goth encounter and quest to become the best Buster Friendly imaginable. A quick diagnostic with this scenario explains my mute mode.
After that Match of the Year Contender to hold an immediate rematch, and make it the undercard for Evans and Collins?
That... does... not... compute.
Balan Friendly roman numeral Two should be the name of a pay per view. If our blood sport of choice had been boxing instead of wrestling, the percentages are in its favor. Perhaps when our third opportunity comes around the higher powers of Syndicate Wrestling will see the benefits in investing in Buster's star the way I do. A PPV titled Balan Friendly roman numeral three, subtitled Funny Business or Bust? Imagine the undercard.
My tonal inhibitors must require recalibration, as it seems like I suggest this match was an error.
{{Removing the last of the screws, the toaster on Balan's arm no longer looks like it will burn carbs, but it gives him an idea. Upgrading his move settings, Attila Balan thinks of some new holds that his reinforced arm can pull off. Even though it isn't a fully functioning toaster, it worked out. So when The Industrial Man looks up at the camera, please don't consider his line to be a condescending reference to Beelzebozo.}}
AB: ...Sometimes the best things can come from errors.
Even though the next level up for Buster Friendly is the title shot, there is still a lot to take away from tonight's contest. This includes displaying the personal integrity required to wrestle your closest friend when the only incentive is a few points on a flow chart. Having the clarity of vision to ignore where the match stands in the larger war, but not lose sight of the match. Lastly the personal pleasure in solidifying the quality of our last encounter as not being the product of the evening's tournament but the quality of our characters.
This brings me back to Collins and Evans. The two men, that while talented, are relying on merits forged before we arrived. I believe the mouth breathers call it "coasting." The international champion and his opponent may be the textbook definition of Atlantic Coasting, but that ends tonight.
Just as I attempt to aid Buster in bringing out his best, Beelzebozo will grow as he attempts to help you grow. While Buster may not vocalize this altruistic streak, I have little doubt he will want to upstage your little title fight as much as my circuits do. Following us? I do not envy you. Can you keep up with the future? The breakneck speed of progress? Or will you be embarrassed as disappointing models of yesterday in desperate need of cancellation? As I give Beelzebozo a beating that is counterproductive to his title chances, and he attempts to end my functionality for laughs, know that it is you two that are truly taking the hits. You have a 20% chance of rising to the occasion, but much like the Helloween Cup I would surmise that Collins finds everything beneath him and Evans has an in-joke that is more promising. Careers are made to be broken.
You ask me about a returning star, Tye? It would not upset my predictions if that star aligned with those two getting such high card placement. So even as I seek them out for a pay per view opponent at least one of them has a 67% chance of already being taken. This is predictable, but matters not. No matter how many anomalies continue for their main event status, ythe days of Atlantic Coasting are numbered.
You are our opponents tonight.
You will lose.
That is the promise of steel.
{{Fade to----
TG: So you're saying I should look into Collins and Evans pasts if I want to discover the returning star's identity?
{{That would have been such a great place to finish.}}
AB: I am saying Mr. Gibson, that the more you sweat, depriving your flesh body of essential fluids, the sharper your mind becomes. We shall leave you here in the embrace of that mechanical sauna, where I am sure you will achieve a journalistic nirvana, and the answers shall present themselves to you.
TG: Um... if you're sure?
{{The Luchian crew leave Gibson behind in the dressing room as they prepare for the upcoming war.}}
TG: Uh... guys?
"F E A R
T H E
V I S I O N
O F
T H E
I N D U S T R I A L
M A N "
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mosler
Special GUNS Acess
Mosler's not here man.
Posts: 2,339
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Post by mosler on Apr 24, 2023 15:55:13 GMT -5
NEW YEARS NIGHTMARE -2017
{{Back in Baltimore, the Luchian Inc. dressing room door is kicked in as Attila Balan drags in Buster, Anon, Vile, Natch, Joe, Billy Ray, Rockbutt, Skull, Trash, along with their motorcycle, Molly the Sheep, Sirius Man, LEFT Tentacle dressed as Suzi Spitz, Frank Wilkes dressed as Tornado Red, Mad MAX Nolan, The Arizona Assassins Guild, the SWAT Hit Parade, the dozen stupid monster gimmicks, Spud Boy dressed as Soutter wearing a diaper, a player piano and a dead donkey with its eye cut out. Everyone seems to be enjoying mint chocolate ice cream, except for the one sad looking guy holding a watermelon splash. He wasnt even thinking of the clown joke when he ordered it. Beelzebozo looks ready to kill someone. He has a title fight to get ready for.}}
AB: Fantastic news. Along with enjoying these charming characters company for the past few hours, I managed to test the weight threshold of the new titanium neck to a new record of 5 tons.
Zoran Sainovic: I regret not being here sooner, I am so sorry Mr. Balan.
AB: No one could fault you from taking the day off early Zoran, you have been working entirely too hard as it is. Besides it gave me and Buster some quality time to go over his strategies for the big title fight. Thanks for coming back. Above and beyond the call of duty! Did Bobbi fill you in on the details?
Zoran Sainovic: Its right here.
{{With a small spray bottle, the mad scientists blasts Beelzebozo right in the face. Within seconds of the spraying, all the characters attached to Balan fall off, inexplicably landing right on their faces, and crotching themselves in the process for additional comedic effect. Upon hitting the ground the dead donkey bursts open into a thousand maggots. The camera moves away from the guest stars towards our leads.}}
AB: That super glue was inspired Buster! Just optimal performance all around my friend.
BF: ...I think that lemongrass gelato is going to make me sick. Throw up.
AB: Bobbi Buster seems a little under the weather, would you mind attaching him to the stomach pump? We need him at 100 percent if hes going to take the gold!
VVV: I... I think I fell on my keys.
AB: And call in some medics for Vincent.
{{As the gorgeous personal assistants of the mechanical man start shoving tubes down his throat, the clown prince of chaos cant help but stare over at his robotic benefactor. For the nightmare of the post-match pains, Balan seems to be in surprisingly good spirits. Beelzebozo thinks back fondly to some of the moments that occurred during this montage...}}
#You're my best friend# #Oh you're my best friend# #Ooh you make me live#
{{Sainovic wasnt at the Backyard show... and Balan didnt seem all that angry at the delayed resolution. Did he plan it? Beelzebozo narrows his eyes on the Industrial Man. Balan is in the middle of giving everyone involved in todays misadventure a bottles of Chateau Lafite 1895, but stops turning to Buster with a concerned smile. Even though the Devil of SWAT is rolling around the floor in agony hold his left buttock in agony, it is at this moment that Buster Friendly knows who the real devil is.}} #You're my best friend#
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mosler
Special GUNS Acess
Mosler's not here man.
Posts: 2,339
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Post by mosler on Apr 24, 2023 15:56:20 GMT -5
{{Images are shown of an ant colony invading another. Pincers digging into legs. Antennas locking around with one another. Pushing, shoving, trampling over one another. If they were different colours you might be able to tell them apart, but these are all red, and mangled insect remains spilling out of the battle royale only further incites the violence. Who is friend, who is foe? There is only anger and confusion.}}
{{When one colony has finally been stamped out, there is a brief calm.}}
{{The Industrial Man stands on the terrace of his fifth floor penthouse. Why only fifth? Surely a man of his wealth could afford a loft on some seventy floor high rise. The view. The people might not look like ants, but there isn't a tree, cloud or bird anywhere in sight. His skyline is a forest of skyscrapers. For anyone else this might seem oppressive, but the mechanical marvel enjoys feeling like a component in the larger machine. That is the promise of steel.}}
AB: I hear rumours. Possible restructuring. The corporate machinations of Pesci, the iron will of Phoenix, the desperation of Soutter, the disapproval of the board of directors, struggling finances of Slain, new outside investors from across the pond, and malicious intent of Vincent have merged like hot and cold fronts into a raging storm.
...Storms pass.
{{Rays of sunshine reflected against the large blue windows of the adjacent building are soon blocked out by clouds of smog. The Industrial Man cannot help at this oppression of the natural order.}}
AB: As I groom my dear companion, Buster Friendly, to become the next ACW champion, I worry that he will be swept away in the coming chaos. His element of choice. What will this federation look like in the new year? What will Buster be the champion of? Will he further fuel the fires of chaos, or despite his nature, bring order in the coming days? While my central processor has preferences for the outcome, regardless I will look forwards to accumulating the data.
{{Turning his head slightly, the wonderful Mechanical Man who is a friend to all but hates nature, finally acknowledges the camera.}}
AB: While my parameters of interest have incorporated the Goth Beelzebozo title fight, my other duty is in a battle royal. Apparently the winner of the battle royal will become the last entrant to come out for the subsequent royal rumble.
{{Barely able to stifle a chuckle, Attila Balan turns to the camera with a cold smile.}}
AB: ...Because statistically speaking the wrestler who comes out last has a 0.002% of winning. That position never yields positive results. You might as well advertise that the winner will become the last man eliminated from the royal rumble. The prize is of little interest to me, still in winning it perhaps I can trade it to someone for something of value. Have Dark Phoenix join one of my car pools to instil community spirit in him, or have Vincent turtle wax the pale rider to give him a working ethic.
{{Turning his back on the city, Balan enters into his domicile.}}
AB: Please do not take my lack of enthusiasm for the ending prize as reflecting on the match itself. I could not be MORE EXCITED to be one of the 15 men in this battle royal. Why you ask? The coming changes, the possible restructuring? Not all of the men in the upcoming contest may have a chance to face each other in the ring again. During our lengthy road trip to Baltimore, I was telling Damian Payne and Tatsuo Takeshi how much I was looking forwards to locking up with them in the ring, and this may be our last chance.
{{Pulling out an ivory pipe, I-Man uses a can of gasoline to fill it up.}}
AB: We have all the elements to put on the best show on the card! What are those elements? Payne. Takeshi. White. Evans. Burgess. Wasabi. Creature. Maples. Green. Corso. Aloni. Brewster. Conors. Brickheart. The Atlantic Coast's best and brightest. None of us may have rated a singles encounter, but there are not a better collection of stars I would rather ring in the new year with.
{{Lighting up the gasoline, Balan starts puffing away at his pipe, exhaling exhaust like a car.}}
AB: Payne and Aloni are two men that I enjoyed entering ACW with, we had a spirited four way dance. None of us came out on top in that encounter, but perhaps we can change that outcome this time around? Time will tell.
Takeshi strikes me as an honourable young man who carries himself well. Of all the random allegiances and double teams this battle royal will provide, Takeshi is the one man I would trust to watch my back. I am so impressed by him, that I would sign up with Mr. Green's Dragon Empire if I did not have a conflict of interest with Luchian Inc.
Speaking of Mr. Green, I caught a few of the comments that Dean Green made. He is definitely green, but there is something to be said for his youthful enthusiasm and dogged devotion to his idea of what a professional wrestler should be. Personally I think if I wanted to make life long friends of men who share similar colour themed last names, I would have picked a less drab scheme. John Cyan, Finn Blue, Gold... dust, you know, you had options. Well Green, I wish you all the best of luck in making a splash, but if you think you need three men to do the job of one, you may end up looking like a third of a man.
Continuing on this green trend, we have the spicy masked man from the orient, Wasabi. Any wrestler named after a plant or condiment is A OK in my database. Another far east wrestler to bring that international FLAVOUR to this wonderful organization, and I for one could not be happier. Ah Wasabi, I think of all the chemicals that make you you that it is 7-methylthioheptyl isothiocyanate that I like the most. Who knows what blinding, pungent, burning sensation you will bring to the ring, although I have little doubt of its brilliance.
I am really excited to be locking up with The Enigmatic Creature - a hard hitter of Australian origin who goes by the nickname of Bandit? Its like mixing it up with a younger Paul Soutter. There are still a lot of unknown data about this enigma, but I for one am up for the challenge. When we cross blows amidst the strife, I will have all my cerebral units set to deduction.
Marcus White. Now I bankroll the Menagerie, and I am not sure if Buster is paying for you and Anonymoose out of his own pocket, but I know you are not drawing a salary from my company. Perhaps you just hang around for free? That shows a lot of heart. Heart can go a long way, but it requires a little brain. I was really enjoying my contest with Buster on the last Turmoil until the two of them interfered. Anonymoose... well, he was an nuisance but caused no real damage. Marcus? You hurt Buster's chances of victory. He may have an enlarged heart that can forgive all, but my heart is made of steel. There are fifteen diverse talents in this contest, any of whom could manage the victory... any but you Marcus. I am sending you crashing to the floor.
Kilroy Evans. On the last turmoil I sent out a challenge for you to take Collins to the limit. If not for the unfortunately appearance of Timeless, I do believe that you could have dragged the Dark Phoenix to the occasion. Other than Buster, you are the closest humanoid to displaying the tenacity required to push my programming up a level. I hold you in high esteem, and look forwards to coming to blows with you. Regardless of who comes out on top in this encounter, I thank you for damage I expect you to do to my frame.
Now we have two relative new comers in Bobby "The Man" Maples and Logan Burgess. Now with Maples, I have MAN in my nickname too - so I can really identify with him and wish him lots of luck. Logan Burgess seems to have the same kind of dark and disturbing tendencies similar to our champion, Psychotic Goth. Since I will be spending most of the month training Buster to dismantle Goth, it will be interesting to see if the scenarios I developed will work as effectively on yourself. Perhaps the comparison only extends to clothing? I know you will impress the fans Logan, and I look forwards to testing you.
There are a number of new comers that we have seen before, that have not been able to leave an impression on the SWAT fans. These include Brian Brewster, Alex Connors, Cade Corso, and once again Everett Aloni. This lack of impact is through no fault of their own, and is largely based on the temper of our soon to be EX champion. Now if there is a restructuring, hopefully you four are given fresh starts in new homes. That would be best for everyone. It does not take a data processor with the kind of power mine has to realize that there will be a stigma attached to your lacklustre performances. This saddens me. I will do everything in my power to help you gentlemen find your voices, even if its throwing you a little bit higher out of the ring.
Our last wild card is the returning Dave Brickheart. Based on the love that the fans have for his past exploits, my systems have to pair him with Kilroy Evans as my toughest competition. Welcome back to SWAT, Mr. Brickheart. I am not overly familiar with your work, but will not let the fact that Joe Pesci had your name in his rolodex turn me against the optimal encounters in our near future. Have you been gone from the profession for a long time, or just SWAT? Is this multiman match a way to ease you back into active competition? I wish you the best of the luck, but for the sake of the paying crowd, cannot take it easy on you. You seem like an impressive character, but the dynamics of our match, Dave Brickheart, mean that I have no choice but to offer you the greetings of steel.
{{The gasoline finally burns out, as the smoke billows out the window.}}
AB: Summarize.
Bobbi: You plan to win but may not accept the reward. You think that the men involved have what it takes to upstage the international title match and street fight. Dave Brickheart and Kilroy Evans are coming in with solid reputations you look forwards to testing. This is the last chance that Brian Brewster, Alex Conors, Cade Corso, and Everett Aloni will get so you hope they make the most of it. You are looking forwards to seeing what new comers Bobby Maples, Logan Burgess, Wasabi, Enigmatic Creature, bring to the table. Are looking forwards to getting your hands on Payne a second time. Respect Takeshi. Consider Green's childhood friends to be a loading error. Consider Marcus to be a loading error walking. ...And Buster Friendly is going to kick Psychotic Goth's ass.
{{Attila Balan takes a sip of cognac before letting out a ring of smoke from his gasoline pipe.}}
AB: Optimal.
{{As The Industrial Man returns to his view, the promo returns to the images of ants murdering one another.}}
"F E A R
T H E
A T T E N T I O N
O F
T H E
I N D U S T R I A L
M A N"
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mosler
Special GUNS Acess
Mosler's not here man.
Posts: 2,339
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Post by mosler on Apr 24, 2023 16:00:09 GMT -5
{{Down the highway cruises The Pale Rider - the 80' long and 15' feet high tractor-trailer limousine of "The Industrial Man" Attila Balan. With its four separate lounges and full commercial sized bar, you know its crew of six are keeping the marvellous mechanical man happy on that excruciatingly long trek from the SWAT HQ down to Las Vegas for the New Year's Nightmare. The robot's signature ride looks pretty enjoyable right now............... thinks Chuck the cameraman who is sitting in the back of a rusty pickup truck a good fifty feet ahead of the beast.}}
{{As the snow starts, Chuck rubs his hands together thinking about how much nicer it would be ride in the Pale Rider, or even inside the Pickup truck really. He's heard good things about the inside. Mumbling some curses, Chuck turns away from the traffic back to the window, looking in at the driver.}}
{{Attila Balan is making RECORD TIME in this questionable vehicle, he's glad he traded in both the Prius and his stocks in Toyota. Handling the sketchy vehicle with mechanical precision, Balan pays little attention to the road, mostly enjoying a lively conversation with his passenger.}}
AB: ...So you see, I thought this would be a good way to collect data on the other participants in the battle royal. My research team is having some difficulty discovering anything online about a number of the recent hires. Despite it seemingly like this solution would cut down on gasoline consumption and be good for the environment, I actually chose a vehicle for transportation that has not passed an emissions test in over twelve years, so I am still ahead of the environment.
{{The camera pans over to find the magnificent antlers of the Anonymoose nodding excitingly.}}
Anonymoose: That's fabulous, Mr. Balan. You sure know how to keep nature down. I don't suppose you could endorse my cheque?
AB: Sorry A-non.
Anonymoose: I'm a member of the menagerie, I swear! I even let blinky give me a fellowship tattoo to prove I was one of the nine.
AB: I know Buster lets you hang around with them, and I cannot deny my dear friend anything, but when I bought the menagerie you were not part of the deal. If Buster finds you useful...
Anonymoose: I am essential to the operation!
AB: ...IF he finds you useful, he can come to an arrangement that does not involve Luchian Inc., or you can find something else to do at the menagerie to supplement your income, by which I mean selling T-shirts, NOT embezzling. <eyes narrow> ...That could put you on an endangered species list. As far as I am concerned the working arrangement you have conceived of with Buster makes you an unpaid intern with his circus.
Anonymoose: ...Is this because I hit you on Turmoil?
AB: Not at all. Such lapses of judgement are common in our chosen profession.
Timeless: Sign the kid's paycheque.
{{Panning further over, Chuck finds that Anonymoose's other antler keeps almost bumping into Timeless Alex Turner.}}
{{...}}
{{How the three men are able to fit into the cramped small compartment of the pickup truck is anyone's guess... and there's Roxy too!}}
Roxy <whispering>: Hon, we're trying to get in his good books.
Timeless <not whispering as softly>: What's the point of getting a gig with him if he doesn't pay?
AB: You would have nothing to worry about Mister Turner. Money is no object to a machine, let alone a machine you humanoids would describe as qoute filthy rich unquote. I compensate all my employees, <pointing> A-non here just does not happen to represent my company.
Anonymoose: Im sorry I hit you. It is nothing personal. The boss hates you, but I think you're a good guy.....err, robot.
AB: It had nothing to do with the attack. As a robot I am above such petty vendettas, and as a businessman I am unable to entertain them. The attack is a non-factor.... Though you should have trusted Buster to get the job done. Much like Psychotic Goth will find out at this pay per view, Beelzebozo is a man possessed, who does not require outside assistance. Thinking that Buster required your assistance showed the same mental faculties as a Marcus White.
Hell's Bouncer: It's because you're dressed as a moose.
{{The camera pans over still to find Hell's Bouncer sitting next to them, having the Bouncer inside explains why everyone managed to get through the front door to this personal hell.}}
Anonymoose: He's dressed as a robot!
Vile "Vince" Viper: He hatesss nature. Ssso your ssstupid moossse cosssstume is just an affront to everything he stands for, like this conversation is an affront to my having a nap. [editor's note: alluded to in the James Fierce suicide watch] As for his attire, it'sss less robot...... <fiendish grin> more appliance.
{{Sneezing from the an allergy to all the exhaust fumes, Chuck hard pans over to find that Vile "Vince" Viper commands the passenger side window.}}
Anonymoose: Balan's not like that...
{{Shaking his head and wanting to change the subject from the accursed animal sitting next to him, Balan extends an arm just as some toast pops out of the toaster that's been soldered into it.}}
AB: Toast, Vincent?
Vile "Vince" Viper: Fucking guy... <hoping he rises to the next challenge> it's too bad you don't a crystal meth lab in that utility belt of yoursss.
{{VVV _REALLY HOPES_ that I-man builds a meth lab into his belt.}}
AB: Killing off your consumers goes against my industrial drive. You may want to lay off the narcotics endorsements if you were thinking of getting into the role of nice guy that people want to help not get gang assaulted by the KGB.
Vile "Vince" Viper: It's not fair. Its not about talent, it's a damned numbers game. One on one, I know I can EASSSILY take down Sssoutter... even with Fierce, Bruno, CSSSK, and Bissshop helping him... but Pesssci? Five men - no problem at all! ...Five and a half? Things start looking tricky. Fucking Phoenix. I thought I'd have the Backyard bunch with me, now I have to find <shutter> in house talent.
Timeless: You're trying to get Atlantic Coast shut down. You've managed to make the KGB the good guys in that scenario.
{{...Everyone in the car feels sick to their stomachs thinking about a situation where the KGB are the better poison. ...damn.}}
Vile "Vince" Viper: Timeless... have I told you how much I regret attacking Roxy at the Adrian Tanner memorial? Visions of beating her keep me up at night. <chuckles and gets a little hard thinking about the grotesque beating, only to stop and try to look sincere> I'm really sssorry.
Timeless: I'm not helping you.
Vile "Vince" Viper <crossing arms like a petulant child>: I hope Daniel Collins beats you!
Timeless: Ive seen your future Vile, and the KGB give you a Mr. T cereal high colonic.
{{!!!}}
{{Somethings can't be unsaid.}}
{{That hurt. As the two men start bickering, Chuck the cameraman starts to tense up from the cold, turning from the warm inside of the pickup to his desolate trunk. The buff figure of Johnny Natural sits next to him.}}
Johnny Natural: We can keep each other warm, dude.
{{Shivering in repulsion, Chuck turns back to the front of the truck. Here the rest of the victims are arguing about their own prowess...}}
Im 27! 28!! THIRTY!!
{{Vile and Timeless both sigh, and shake their heads in the same dismissive fashion, both muttering "fools" at the same time.}}
Vile "Vince" Viper: How's the hand Alexxx?
{{Timeless holds his gloved hand in the air and wiggles the fingers mechanically, finishing with the bird for Triple V.}}
Timeless : Feels great thanks, Jack.
AB: Looking good! Is that the skywalker?
{{Balan shoots out his own mechanical arm for a fist bump. Timeless tries to ignore it, not as happy about his handicap as he'd have everyone believe.}}
AB: Congratulations Mr. Turner on becoming a Cyborg, I strongly believe that it is the first step towards the happiness you'll find when you reach one hundred precent mechanization. <realizing that Timeless is still coming to terms with his steel inhumanity> I'm sure Paul Soutter is an honourable man who will look forwards to proving his worth against you in a one on one contest.
Vile "Vince" Viper: Sheesh... do your data banks have any information on those worthless cowards? Ask Hell'sss Bouncer here how honourable they are.
Hell's Bouncer: There is a hot place waiting for those lying scumbags, and a hot meal - in the foot I plan on shoving down their throats!
Vile "Vince" Viper: We should totally watch each other'sss backssssssss. I'll watch your back during your match against Bishop, and you can watch mine. I may be busy getting prepared for my contest during your match so you may not see me, but we can still show a united front.
Hell's Bouncer: I'm good thanks.
Vile "Vince" Viper: ...but who could pass up to violently assault the KGB twice on the sssame ssshow?
Hell's Bouncer: The only thing I can promise you is that during your match, Bishop won't be there, because after I get through with him...... he'll be in traction.
Vile "Vince" Viper <doing the math in his head>: Ok, that makes it four and a half to one... I prefer those odds, but wouldn't you like to come out and clobber Pesssci as well? If he firesss you, there will always be a spot in Backyard with my eternal gratitude.
Hell's Bouncer: I am all about making deals with the devil, but not lesser devils. I don't know you Vile, but the more I do, I don't like you. So I will pass on watching your back.
Anonymoose: Speaking of Backyard, when do we get paid?
Vile "Vince" Viper <dirty look>: ...Don't start with me. You couldn't have announced your joining my ragtag crew after the PPV? You're a manger in ACW, you could have shown up against the KGB without Phoenix caring... but NOOOOOOOO... you have to tell everyone who will listen that the moossse isss loossse in Backyard.
Anonymoose: The moose is loose... have you been talking to Tori Vale?
Vile "Vince" Viper <taken aback by this archaic reference>: Wait, Tor...
Anonymoose <quick to change the subject>: So do we get paid when we get to Vegas? I saw these really cool X-ray glasses in the back of a periodical that I want to buy my mom for Christmas.
Johnny Natural <sticking his head through the small window>: Whoa, like can you use those glasses to check out this weird growth on my hip, its been getting larger.
Anonymoose: Of course! I will do it for 20 bucks!
Johnny Natural: Mondo groove in the mango grove!
{{Timeless travels to the future, where Anonymoose uses his mom's X-ray glasses to check out Johnny Natural's lump.}}
Anonymoose: I can see... It's a weird growth!
{{Johnny Natural & Anonymoose both smile at Timeless for this horrific punchline, before he travels back to the present... in the packed front of the pickup.}}
Hell's Bouncer: Does your mom really want those glasses or are you buying them for yourself?
Anonymoose: we can share!
Vile "Vince" Viper: They don't work anyway...
AB: No, my company recently purchased a patent that allowed for x-rays without using nuclear energy. So if you see it advertised in the back of Amazing Adventures in Space Magazine for two dollars and ninety-nine cents, you can trust it to work.
"CPA" Foster's Beer Man: Oi, what's your wifi signal?
{{Awkward silence.}}
{{Let's pretend we didn't hear him...}}
{{Zork Nontext searches for treasure...}}
Balan, Viper, Hell's Bouncer, Timeless, Roxy, Johnny Natural, Anonymoose, and TREE from Evil Dead 2 in unison: ...he doesn't have one...
LEFT Tentacle: Theshieldsuck118.
*Collective groan*
"CPA" Foster's Beer Man <pulling out his blackberry>: Cheers mate.
{{Roxy switches the stereo and WHAM comes on and she gets all kiddy and yelling about how she loves WHAM, then breaks on que into rap with them.}}
Roxy : If you're a pub man, or a club man Maybe a jet black guy, with a hip hi-fi A white cool cat, with a trilby hat Maybe leather and studs, is where you're at Make the most, of every day Don't let hard times, stand in your way Give a Wham, give a bam, but don't give a damn Cos the benefit gang, are gonna pay
{{The entire car goes dead quite staring at her in an awkward silence, she looks around a bit paranoid then shakes it off hooping and hollering.}}
Roxy : Whoooooop! Yeah!! Lets get fucked UP!
"CPA" Foster's Beer Man <handing out some of Australia's third favourite beer>: She's quite the yobbo; still drinks on me.
{{No sooner have the guys started opening their beers, when things get uncomfortable again...}}
"CPA" Foster's Beer Man: You guys look a bit tired, why don't you all catch some shut eye. You too Attila, I can drive for a while, get us there like a possum up a gum tree if you catch my drift. Just pass out...
{{...Realizing that the moment they black out drinking, that Foster's Beer Man is going to use theshieldsuck118 to check out porn on his phone, the guys aren't so sure they want to enjoy his frosty beverages.}}
LEFT Tentacle <thinking of ways to break the awkward silence>: I think I prefer Boy George to WHAM...
{{A bus load of high school kids pulls up alongside them on the dirt hwy to Nevada, they are yelling and hollering out their windows, Roxy jumps up and pulls her skirt up over her back and rips her panties down to her knee's and shoves her ass towards the passenger window, she pushes her perfect buns up against the window and in doing so squishes Triple V's fat face up against the window and seat, Triple V looks the definition of uncomfortable, and the school kids rip their phones out and start taking pictures and video's of Roxy mooning them.}}
{{Most of the pickup victims are jumping and jostling for a peek, Roxy is in her element, whooping and hollaring, she grabs Timeless by the hair and rams her tongue down his throat. It should be noted that Foster's Beer Man is not interested, because it's not streaming.}}
{{She then pulls her panties up and jumps on his lap.}}
Roxy: Wow, I think I'm a little tipsy, two more drinks and I'm anyone's...
{{Instantly 18 arms are in her face, offering Beverages. She smiles and grabs two, then hands one to Timeless and they clink them for a cheers, across the hwy, the bus runs off the rd and crashes into a cactus tree. It then rolls and spins a dozen times, the car pool not noticing a thing completely oblivious all attention on Roxy.}}
Vile "Vince" Viper: You seem incredibly mello---OH MY GOD...
{{Did he see the flames?}}
Vile "Vince" Viper: That son of a bitch!
{{Kicking Johnny Natural out of the small window, the Devil of SWAT stomps over the people he's spent the last twelve hours trying to win over, and somehow manages to slither through the tiny window to the back of the pickup.}}
Zoran Sainovic: Vat vas his problem?
{{TripleV pokes his head back into the pickup truck...}}
Vile "Vince" Viper: ...It was lovely meeting all of you, I look forwards to seeing you all in my match beating the ever loving shit out of the Soutter and friends... <eyes narrow> except for YOU, YOU can go to hell!
{{Leaving the window, VVV takes a running jump off the pickup truck onto The Pale Rider driving behind them. It's actually rather impressive.}}
LEFT Tentacle: Who was he talking to? Did he how much more Roxy liked me to him?
TREE from Evil Dead 2: ...
LEFT Tentacle: That's right... Attila, you aren't acting like yourself at all today.
AB: How do you mean Tentacle?
LEFT Tentacle: You're straight arrow enough to be a prince out of a Disney movie, but here we have Roxy being more inappropriate that usual, and a lot of open alcohol in the vehicle. That doesnt seem like something you would normally approve of... unless...
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
LEFT Tentacle, Timeless, Roxy, Tree from Evil Dead 2, Hell's Bouncer, Foster's Beer Man, Johnny Natural, Chuck the Cameraman in unison: SON OF A BITCH!
Knockoff I-Man: What?
{{Before they can state the dramatic reveal, a small television monitor emerges from the dashboard. The image is that of a large nightclub, in it Vile "Vince" Viper has slithered up to a bar, and is cursing up a storm in between complimentary tequila sunrises, while in the centre of the frame "The Industrial Man" Attila Balan is running through Rocky training montages with Beelzebozo Buster Friendly.}}
REAL Attila Balan: Hey guys... I was so sorry I could not join you for this week's car trip. Unfortunately I'm in the middle of training Buster for his big title fight.
Beelzebozo <sweating white paint>: ...Kill me.
Timeless <with Anonymoose's antler in his eye>: Wait, you have room for a wrestling ring in that limo?
REAL Attila Balan: Yes, I had the tennis court removed for it. I would have invited you all in here, but I find that Buster does not train as hard with distractions...
Vile "Vince" Viper <lifting his tequila sunrise>: Hey Buster, wanna drink? <Beelzebozo looks up with hope in his eyes> ...I betcha do.
Beelzebozo <watching Viper suck back his fifth sunrise>: motherfucker...
REAL Attila Balan: See what I mean? I am going to have to get back to him. Thanks again for accepting my invitation, I hope you guys are having a fantastic time, I wish I was there.
{{Before the obscenities can start flying, the screen retreats back into the dashboard.}}
{{...}}
Knockoff I-Man: Well, I'm having a great time!
{{...}}
"CPA" Foster's Beer Man: ...I recon we should try to jump from the moving pickup truck to that massive limo...
Mad MAX Nolan: If that old bugger Vile could do it with his artificial legs, knees, hips, spleen, liver, and other stuff...
Knockoff I-Man: Cyborgs are wonderful.
Max MAX Nolan: ...If Vile can MAKE _THAT_ jump, we can do it!
Everyone: Yay!
{{...they were never seen again.}}
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mosler
Special GUNS Acess
Mosler's not here man.
Posts: 2,339
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Post by mosler on Apr 24, 2023 16:02:32 GMT -5
{{Even with Bueller offline, that was a spirited test run before the big rumble. Spot number 30. Walking through the hallways, Attila Balan still isn't sure what to do with his prize. He enjoys performing for the SWAT fans, and coming out last, while significantly improving his chances of victory, cuts into the time he spends with them. Throwing a towel across his neck, Balan gets into trainer mode. The wonderful mechanical man who is kind to all but hates natures has no time to worry about golden tickets, he has other gold on his mind. Buster Friendly is going to be the next Atlantic Coast heavyweight champion, even if Balan fries all his circuits getting him there.}}
Vile "Vince" Viper: Hey Attila! How is that meth lab utility belt coming?
AB: You were taunting a mass produced replica of me, Vincent.
Vile "Vince" Viper: Sssssssssssssso you're saying you can't do it?
{{Damn him. Attila Balan will rise to the occasion.}}
AB: If you will excuse me, Vincent. I have to get back to Buster. Tonight could be the crowning achievement in his journey to personal betterment.
Vile "Vince" Viper: Where is Bozo? I haven't ssseen him around. You have him on lockdown detoxing or something? Or maybe he's holding someone againssst their will...........
AB: What?
Vile "Vince" Viper: Nevermind. You're a good guy, right Attila? You like championing just causes... like indusssssstry. I was just...
AB: No.
Vile "Vince" Viper <ignoring him>: In this scenario, I am indussstry. Now yes or no, there will be no hard feelings, but you see---
AB: I will be too busy preparing Buster for the Psychotic Goth to help defend you against the KGB.
Vile "Vince" Viper: COME ON!
AB: Absolutely not.
Vile "Vince" Viper: I hear the KGB doesn't do steroids, thossse absss? They're ALL NATURAL!
AB: Forget it, Vincent. I have more pressing engagements than helping you. Besides, you have been doing everything in your power to run the Atlantic Coast region out of business since you got here. If an angry mob tries to lynch you and set you on fire, that is the correct action within angry mob parameters. Stop booking Buster for your ridiculous backstage shows, and look strongly into leaving town.
Vile "Vince" Viper: ...
AB: ...
{{Maybe if Old Scratch looks sad enough, Balan will bow to his request. TripleV really looks pathetic. A long awkward silence ensues.}}
Vile "Vince" Viper: ...
AB: ...
Vile "Vince" Viper: ...
AB: ...
Vile "Vince" Viper: I HOPE YOU RUST!
{{Your king of snakes stomps off looking for more sympathetic parties, while Balan thinks about how to implement a meth lab into his utility belt, and if it can be used as an incentive to get Buster Friendly to train.}}
" F E A R
T H E
R E J E C T I O N
O F
T H E
I N D U S T R I A L
M A N "
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mosler
Special GUNS Acess
Mosler's not here man.
Posts: 2,339
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Post by mosler on Apr 24, 2023 16:05:40 GMT -5
SWAT ROYAL RUMBLE - 2018
{{Fireworks.}}
{{White, orange, red, blue, purple, green, the darkened skies explode with all the shades of Joseph's Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat. The wonderful mechanical marvel that is a friend to all mankind but hates nature, enjoys this showy attack on the horizon. The atmosphere is the one thing that stands in the way of his perfect unnatural world, so any event that attempts to rip a hole in the ozone layer gives him that warm fuzzy feeling of first love. The bombastic sounds of these pretty lights echo through the cold air, the added benefit of noise pollution makes it difficult to hear his own thoughts. It is a welcome distraction from the images that trouble the Industrial Man's processing units.}}
{{Fireworks.}}
{{After getting Buster Friendly to climb that skyscraper of self-doubt and get past his fear of failure to win the heavyweight title, the region seems to be fracturing off into other regions. Some welcome this changing of the guard, not our hero. Attila Balan has seen many guards change in the old world, usually not for the better. Another figurehead, another tournament, newly established riches to fight over. These are all just distractions from the bigger program. Does the hiatus of Atlantic Coast put Buster Friendly's title reign in jeopardy? Balan himself was the most popular wrestler on the Atlantic Coast, but in the larger SWAT picture, what does that mean?}}
{{Southern. West Coast. Mid West. Backyard. The Amazon.}}
{{Fireworks.}}
{{Fighting to the top only to find new structures to scale. No apologies. No explanations. What does management think the talent is...}}
{{Machines.}}
{{The cold indifference and detached approach to dealing with the various cogs. So robotic. Balan could respect it, if this device was not undermining his protocols, and generally fucking him up his precisely laid plans.}}
{{Fireworks.}}
AB: Happy New Year...
2018 held so much promise for myself and my dear friend, Buster Friendly. In many ways it still does. The possibilities are not infinite, but I have run enough scenarios through my probability processor to know that we have a seventy percent chance of an optimal ending.
At the end of the nightmare, Buster captured the ACW heavyweight championship, proving himself to be the champion I know him to be... only to have the rug torn out from under him. To prove himself the best he now has to win the royal rumble for a slot in a match to win the world title of a number of federations that do not exist yet?
...This does not compute.
I will allow Buster to further pontificate on this current series of events, as his specific vernacular is better suited to illustrate our thoughts on this outcome.
Besides, I have my own Axe to grind.
{{Under the exploding lights, Attila Balan hacks away at a hundred-year-old pine tree with a passion that seems inhuman. This is his hobby.}}
Spirited performances by Dave Brickheart and Kilroy Evans aside, I was involved in a battle royal that gave me the final spot in the upcoming royal rumble. A dubious distinction that essentially makes me the freshest, strongest competitor in a no-win situation. Should I come out on top, it is at the expense of a better man who is exhausted from a lengthy battle against the odds. Victory? This just means I had half the struggle of the other faces involved, even if they spend a fraction of the effort in promoting the event or training for the win. At the moment the tentacle is the only one even pretending to care about the match. With the recent addition of rewarding points for eliminations, I am deprived of this opportunity with the bulk of my opponents long gone before I make an appearance.
I enjoy performing for the SWAT fans.
I was not voted the most popular performer because of my distaste for humanity and the natural order.
That award was given based on killing myself for the audience.
I would much rather be the first man in, sadly, Hell's Bouncer arrived at that boast first. So do I relocate my battle royal reward, or embrace it? Do I become the last great challenge that all thirty other performers must brace themselves for?
Am I to be... the final boss?
{{Having chopped the tree into a fine powder, The Industrial Man stares back up at the cursed sky. He has not broken a sweat. Much like the joy of camping, he does not know how.}}
{{Fireworks.}}
"F E A R
T H E
F I N A L
B O S S"
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mosler
Special GUNS Acess
Mosler's not here man.
Posts: 2,339
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Post by mosler on Apr 24, 2023 16:09:38 GMT -5
{{Lake Peigneur.}}
{{Normally The Industrial Man could not process the concept of driving with the top down in his convertible, but they are close to a grim reminder. Lake Peigneur. A freshwater lake that attracted fisherman, water spots enthusiasts, those undesirable outdoorsy types. Just thinking about the good times people had swimming in Peigneur is enough to turn I-man's stomach. Fortunately his creators decided not to include a gag reflex in the original specs for The Wonderful Mechanical Man who is a friend to all but hates nature. Thinking about the children splashing around in the water is enough to give a new in the package mint condition Industrial Man nightmares. This unit has seen things.}}
{{As horrible as the freshwater lake was, the good people at Texaco used an oil rig to "accidentally" drill into a salt mine located beneath Peigneur, the subsequent flooding caused the mine to collapse. While the Industrial Man was saddened to hear that it greatly increased the body of water, the story has a happy ending, as it is now full of salt water, completely destroying the local ecosystem. Cash incentives kept the local population from complaining, and big business won. Attila Balan wished that all stories of activities in nature had such happy endings. Now they store canisters of gas under the salt dome, begging for a second miracle. Industry finds a way.}}
{{Religion is not in his programming, but looking out on the desolate lake, Attila Balan cannot help but wonder if there is a greater code at work. So for this rare example of scorched earth, Balan drives around the foul smelling water with the roof down.}}
L U C H I A N I N C.
P R O U D L Y P R E S E N T S...
" C A R P O O L - I I I"
{{As always the small car is followed by Balan's tractor limo, The Pale Rider, just so people don't think he's sharing a ride to save the earth.}}
AB: Back in the old world I would store data on these magnificent Industrial "accidents," not having the required information to know if I could ever create a similar disaster of this impressively transformative magnitude. So I completely register your humanoid need for an upgrade.
{{The camera pans over to find "The Assassin Appendage" LEFT Tentacle.}}
LT: Yeah, the guys were so rad about it. I didn't even know Billy and Yance were a couple... or gay. They are as cool as ever, but back in the day, we used to get SO MANY CHICKS.
AB: That does not compute. Your questionable attire, eroding self-esteem levels, poor hygiene from lengthy travel, and dwindling earnings would not make you or your homosexual friends great prospects to mate with.
LT: ...um... yeah... I meant like baby chickens. I wouldn't degrade a little lady by calling her a chick. I've got a girlfriend now. Real baby chickens. We'd rescue them from farms.
AB: Ah, to create your own mill. Commendable.
{{The Assassin Appendage wants to brag about placing them with caring homes, but knows that his mechanical host would not approve of the project. Having spent every penny visiting members of his old stable, and no gas money to his fake name, LEFT Tentacle needs to stay in the eccentric billionaires good graces.}}
LT: Yeah they have great business sense. Yance has his own diner. He's like a genius when it comes to flipping burgers.
{{As they drive past a diner with its windows boarded up, Attila Balan nods approvingly at the former fresh water lake. One step closer to forcing locals to burn gas driving to the big box store three towns over. The future is now.}}
AB: Optimal.
{{Its usually at this point where another member of the car pool interjects something inappropriate into the conversation. Whether it be Roxy's unmentionables, Johnny Natural's mondo world view, or Viper's vague threats. Expecting the running too many clowns in the car sight gag, the camera pans next to LEFT Tentacle to reveal no one.}}
LT: So where is everyone?
AB: Who do you mean?
LT: There is usually a crowd. So did no one else want to join us?
AB: With a machine you discover a function, perfect it, then repeat it. While my marketing department is still calibrating it, I find the too many bodies in a small space humour becoming quite tired. Perhaps the opinions of my friend Buster are affecting my programming? That will please him.
LT: It will be sweet being able to stretch. So, why was I the only guy you invited?
AB: Research showed that of our collective group, you would be the best subject to get some data from.
LT <is he going to dissect me?>: ...I'm not a real tentacle.
AB: No doubt, your costume could definitely use an upgrade. My questions are related to video games.
LT <what kind of stoner does he take me for, oh right>: I love video games, you? Wait, do you have like a 3DO built into the dashboard? 3-D-OH! 3-D-OH!
AB: I do enjoy video games, but more as a concept. I appreciate youths spending their time inside, glued to a television, rather than outside... playing catch. <shudder> Climbing trees. No, video games are great. Unfortunately I have no time for non-business pursuits, so do not have time to play them myself. My winning ways have put me in the undesirable position of becoming one of your hobby's archetypes.
LT: Ironman?
AB: ...not your comic book hobby, your video game hobby.
LT: ...Megaman.
AB: No, in winning the battle royal at New Year's Nightmare, I have become this royal rumble's final boss.
LT: Oh, so Dr. Wily.
AB: The climatic villain.
LT: Yeah, he's a mad scientist always trying to stir up shit for Dr. Light. He doesn't get around as much ever since they ran out of words to add man to. Water man. Wood man. <pointing> INDUSTRIAL MAN! Oh, I have to write that down and send it to Capcom! We'll get a Megaman 11 if it kills me!
AB: ...Zoran is more the mad scientist of my corporation, but you are on the right track. I have becoming the last test for the hero of the rumble, and need information on how to make the best presentation of this flawed concept they have handed me.
LT: Well Bowser would stand on a retractable bridge, right in front of a moving platform so that Mario could jump right over him and remove the bridge, sending him falling into lava.
AB: I'll have R&D look into this.
LT: You could be just like Arnold at the end of T2!
AB: I could, but for the sake of this rumble, we need to focus our processors on gaming references over film.
LT: Oh, right. Sorry.
AB: Do not apologize Tentacle. You might be sitting in my car, starring out at the only piece of nature I approve of, but you are here at my request, providing information for Luchian Inc. You do not owe anyone anything.
LT: Thanks Mr. Man. That's exactly what my mentor says.
AB: Its usually wise to collect data from resources of that type.
LT: So - can we talk about movies instead of video games?
AB: Most certainly, provided you don't mind walking.
LT: A lot of video game bosses have sidekicks that attack the hero in the middle of the game. Like Mother Brain had Ridley the dragon... I still haven't been able to beat him.
AB: I will have my people send this Ridley a virus.
LT: Thanks!
AB: Not at all. I consider Buster to be my equal, but for the sake of this horrible analogy that SWAT has corrupted my base code with... I suppose I will ask him to rough up the competition more in the middle of the event. ...Unless Buster is the hero. He is quite resourceful that way.
LT: Midboss as the hero? Then who would you play as for the first half of the game?
AB: The earliest contenders are a data dump waiting to be executed. There are only a few actual performers with the ability required to win the royal rumble.
LT: How do you figure?
AB: Facts. The sudden expansion into multiple new regions has led to a large talent influx, that are more bodies than they are talent.
LT: ...Logan Burgess is awesome. The reject of wrestling, his whole gimmick is to be a fuckup. Him not doing anything of note is just living it. As someone who spends 24 hours a day in this costume, I can totally dig his dedication.
AB: Fact. While a number of bodies were added to the roster, many of them barely rank as performers, having few roots as wrestlers. They move from fed to fed for a quick paycheque, and half the rumble are guys who already proved to be relatively lazy in the battle royal I already won. We can consider cogs like Burgess and Creature, while important to the chaos of the event, to be non-factors in the results.
LT: Like Sniper Wolf and Vulcan Raven.
AB: ...
LT: Metal Gear.
AB: ...
LT: ...Mini bosses from a video game.
AB: So subordinates of the midboss?
LT <raising his hand for a fist bump>: My man - now you're getting it!
{{We have decided not to acknowledge that LEFT Tentacle probably broke several bones in his hand fist bumping with I-man as we wouldn't want it to negatively affect his chances of turfing Frostbite.}}
AB <flinches at having to acknowledge the presence of his least favorite menagerie character>: Well that would be Anonymoose then. Is there something lower than miniboss? What is the chain.
LT: You have your basic enemies... the Bobby Maples of the rumble.
AB: So nondescript and frequent that there could be twenty Bobby Maples and no one would backup their RAM?
LT: Exactly. So tons of enemies, some very in strength, but nothing to sweat over. A couple of minibosses scattered throughout...
AB: To keep your attention involved...
LT: While making you feel like a BALLER, kicking bytes and taking few washroom breaks - on your way to the midboss. Could be a lot more minibosses between that dude and you... but that's the structure.
AB: And you are currently looking to upgrade from being a Bobby Maples to a midboss for Viper?
LT: Like dysentery to his Williamette Valley~!
{{Oregon Trail FTW.}}
AB: You may want to recalibrate your thought process. It is I and not Viper who will be the final boss. While my midboss is quite taken care of, and attempting to muscle in on his territory would be as hazardous to you as my suggesting that it is his territory is to me... perhaps you could join Anonymoose with miniboss status?
LT: Wow. Like tougher than Matt Ryno or Justin Black?
AB: Undoubtably.
LT: ...That might be the nicest thing that anyone has ever said to me.
AB: You are one of the few unknown factors in this contest.
LT: Its very sweet of you. Just super sweet. I'm planning to leave Backyard after the match, my close friend Joe Pesci hooked me up with the West Coast. They owe me a lot of money, and he's embarrassed at how long its taking to pull it together. ...So I'm already stabbing Vile in the back once at this event, the least I can do is make sure he wins the rumble.
AB: Your loyalty is commendable.
LT: ...If the two of us have to double team you at the end of the match, I will feel really guilty though.
AB: Do not concern yourself with it. I am SWAT's superior machine. Putting me at the end is comical to my nice guy status, as a true challenge to the final participants. Everyone will have to gang up on me to stand a chance. Should my pick to win it, Buster, still be around - then Funny Business will reign supreme prior to his eliminating me, but otherwise?
LT: You have it all plotted out.
AB: Potential victors? Industrial Man. One of the fastest rising stars in SWAT, a physical power house, and the freshest man in it. I am the obvious choice, with the exception of the statistical improbability of the last man out obtaining the win. It is almost like a curse. ...But given my mechanical speed, strength, cunning, and skils... what tired members of the roster could mount an offense?
LT: Me, Vile, Moose, Flamboyant Red and Frostbite?
AB: No. Beelzebozo Buster Friendly. A man who thrives on chaos and self loathing, has just had his federation deactivated as he is declared its champion - that fuels victory. Mad Dog Paul Soutter. Held back by the chains of ownership, can the frustrated local legend cast off the mediocrity of your friend Pesci and beat back the cries of favouritism that come with business management? James Fierce. Gave up on being a champion to languish as a comedic sidekick, but has the pedigree required to triumph. I doubt there is an entrant with better stamina, who is not a robot. With so much trouble in the KGB, it would be good to see him rise to the occasion. The combined assault of him and Soutter is there best chance. Vile Viper may have made too many enemies to be a factor, but the serpent always has a way of surprising people.
LT: ...
AB: ...What?
LT: THAT'S IT?
AB: My probability generator has been circling around us five...
LT: What about the son of the boss? Kilroy Evans is...
AB: A shell of his former self, who will provide an engaging war story for one of his less experienced competitors, like yourself, upon elimination.
LT: Frostbite is so engaging! His wife is a TOTAL GILF. Tell me that even though Linda reminds you of your Nonna, you know what I mean?
AB: Tentacle... it would be advisable for you to spend less time with your new mentor, Pesci.
LT: The Italian terms of endearment?
AB: The objectification and degradation of females is neither humorous nor is it clever. On the subject of tedium, how is Frostbite a front runner? My records show he was a contender around the same time as American Freebear. Rather than engage the audiences of SWAT to remind people why he was a midcard king, he chose to namedrop a few familiar faces, and present a self-indulgent look into his domestic life. There is nothing that makes him anything more than a broken relic, looking for approval from an audience that speaking from focus groups, does not care.
LT: ...Psychotic Goth?!
AB: Buster treated him like a rag doll. His body still is not healed from that assault. Every person he looks at is another suspect in his personal crusade against letting proper authorities discover his love interest faster. Some humans sicken me. So let Psychotic Goth beat the tar out of Damian Payne while contemplating a reunion with Vampira. If he manages to get to the very end with Team Fairfax, its the only combination of allies I can definitely eliminate without breaking a sweat. More likely, the unhinged former champion attempts to get revenge on Buster, and is eliminated in short order. Hopefully the defeating blow makes his head feel like the hammering we are all forced to register when viewing him.
LT: Timeless?
AB: I have enjoyed Alex Turner's company during our road trips. He has all the skills needed to be a legend in our sport. The only good thing to come out of the new regions is giving SWAT fans a new venue to view Turner's brand of science from. He is the future of Midwest. Will the royal rumble be his big chance to break out? No. Even turning back time to try repeatedly, Turner is a man with a target on his back. Worse? He will have Roxy on the outside of the ring, with so many bodies being thrown around, I will have to wait until MidWest debuts to see him shine like some glorious Wellian time machine.
LT: Is that really all the front runners?
AB: The remaining straw would be Daniel Collins. I have a title match against him next month. Having pinned him cleanly at the Halloween Cup, I would say the shot is long overdue. Given our past and future histories, I would be delighted if Collins could make it to the finals. The psychological department with Luchian Inc. would be very interested in measuring the inferiority complex being defeated by me three times would cause...
LT: Fair enough. I still think Bobby Maples is the man to beat! I have a magic eight ball that I call my probability processor. So what do I have to do to improve my chances?!
AB: Have you thought about developing some catchphrases?
LT: OH NO BAD CHICKEN CHOW MEIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
{{...}}
AB: Some of your humanoid jokes fall short on me.
LT: Like leaving some sketchy Chinese food to rot so long that a giant tentacle arrived.
AB: No.
LT: Its good, right?
AB: I would keep working on it.
LT: Well what do you have that is so much better?
AB: My marketing team is still running them past focus groups. A lot of time and effort goes into developing the best catch phrases.
LT: Not bad... for a human.
AB: Stealing movie quotes does not count.
LT: What... there are rules to this? We don't all have large corporations testing these things out. I figured it would come to me naturally while watching a Sigourney Weaver film.
{{Come naturally? What state are they in? Louisiana? Can you legally hunt men here?}}
AB: ...Trusting gut feelings is a good way to become obsolete.
LT: OH NO! WE LEFT THE ZHAJIANGMAN IN THE FRIDGE TOO LONG!!!
AB: ...
LT: ...BECAUSE IT'S GONE BAD AND IS NOW A SENTIENT TENTACLE!!!!!!!
AB: ...stop that.
LT: ...........CLOSE THE FRIDGE BEFORE ITS TOO LATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
AB: Is you gut telling you that you shouldn't have eaten some Chinese fast food leftovers?
LT: ...THE SHRIMP LO MEIN IS COMING RIGHT FOR US!!! I HOPE IT COMES IN PEACE!
AB: I am not a supporter of listening to gut reactions, but should you choose too, perhaps be less literal.
LT: CHIMICHONGA!!!!!!!!!!!!
AB: Less literal does not mean the opposite of the food that is upsetting your disposition.
LT: Are there any good Mexican restaurants around here?
AB: Not yet, but don't worry... Industry finds a way.
{{...LEFT Tentacle shoots his billionaire host a dirty look, did he just drop a catchphrase?}}
LT: That's just cruel.
AB: I am the final boss.
{{The two men continue to wheel around Lake Piegneur, comparing notes on the rumble, video game torture devices, and developing new catchphrases. It's going to be a long drive.}}
"F E A R
T H E
F I N A L
B O S S"
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mosler
Special GUNS Acess
Mosler's not here man.
Posts: 2,339
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Post by mosler on Apr 24, 2023 16:12:13 GMT -5
[As we return a yellow serpent coils around the top rope, feeling out the rungs of the steel cable with its tongue. A master shot reveals that the ring has been transformed, covered in snakes - that while probably not poisonous, certainly enjoy the kind of numbers required to remind one of Raiders of the Lost Ark. Plastic barricades have been put up to keep the set pieces from slithering out into the crowd, but as the bulky frames of boa constrictors cause the shields to creek, the audience is looking rather uncomfortable. SWAT can't afford these kinds of visuals, why on earth would they turn their ring into this serpentine hell?]
[To one up Suit's Suite of course!]
[In the center of the ring, The DEVIL of SWAT is decked out in a very masculine outfit that looks a lot like the House of Mouse take on Hades. Our Disney villain sits upon a massive throne made out of onyx. John Hammond: "We Spared no Expense!" More reptiles wrap themselves around the throne's arms, but the wild life doesn't bother our king of snakes. Its a magnificent sight to behold, and as TripleV looks up at the heavens you already know his interview segment is a million times better than that douche Soutter.]
VVV: Ladiessssssssssssssss and gentlemen... wait... this is Melbourne? Do over! Slags and wankers, its so nice to see so many of you derros coming in from Melbourne Park. Where are we, Rod Lover arena? <chuckle> How progressssssive.
[As the trash start throwing garbage at the ring, The Devil of SWAT can't help but chuckle at how easy the marks are on this wasteland.]
Vile "Vince" Viper: Stop with your wristysssssssssss long enough to... PLEASE put your gaudy, filthy, genetically predisposed to thieving hands together in celebrating THIS... THE PYTHON'SSS PIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[The audience still isn't cheering, but Old Scratch is getting some reaction.]
Vile "Vince" Viper: My guests at this time... the SWAT (backyard) TWINSTAR TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS OF THE WORLD----------------------------------FUUUUUUUUUUNNY BUSINESSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[Industrial Man walks out of the back to the BIGGEST POP OF THE NIGHT, partially dressed like he wasn't expecting to be a guest on the show. The cheering soon turns mixed as Balan is followed out by his tag team partner, also looking confused at this impromptu interview. The greatest tag team in the history of the organization which is inexplicably relegated to the summary show that gets no feedback from any of you fuckers, make there way to the ring.]
Vile "Vince" Viper: ...They have plowed through every other team on the roster... with the Anzac cup on the horizon, the rest of the crew better start practicing their tags. <forced smile> Toaster, wannabe, how the fuck you guys doing?
Attila Balan: ...Thank you for having us Vile, I have to say while we were not expecting this conversation, that it is GREAT TO BE IN MELBOURNE, VICTORIA, AUSTRALIA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[Monster pop for even getting the state into it, the women in the audience want to have The Industrial Man's baby. Sort of like the film, Proteus.]
Vile "Vince" Viper: You might be wondering why I had you out here on SSSWAT'sss premier interview show... well I got to thinking... that footage of Beelzebozo kidnapping Vampira... it certainly LOOKED DOCTED TO ME!
Beelzebozo: I know you framed me, you slilpery serpent! It was you!
Vile "Vince" Viper <nodding with a smile>: That's what I thought too... but the guys I pay to watch me to remind me of my more nefarious ribs... they ASSSSSSURED ME that was not the case. Which got me to thinking... who benefits from Psychotic Goth wanting to MURDER Beelzebozo?! Who possibly has something to benefit from making it look like Beelzebozo is the worst person in the locker room... maybe force him into a slightly more difficult title challenge, while confusing the champion into a loss... I raked my brain, and it all pointed to.... you, Attila.
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
Attila Balan: It wasn't me.
Vile "Vince" Viper: Perhaps the tape wasn't even doctored, maybe you just hired someone to dress as a clown to kidnap Vampira! All I know is it put Beelzebozo into an even higher profile spot, and made Goth an easssy victim... oh you wouldn't tell Buster here, not wanting him to resent your assistance, or the fact that you may have dragged out his Goth program to multiple matches. How could you do that to your only friend? What are you - some kind of cold unfeeling robot?
Attila Balan: I am, but I did not. Is there a point to this segment?
Vile "Vince" Viper: I would hate to be in your robotic shoes when Buster finds out about this conspiracy. GIVE ME YOUR LASSST PLACE RUMBLE SPOT OR I'LL TELL HIM.
Beelzebozo: ...I'm right here.
Vile "Vince" Viper <double take>: Oh... right. Well... I have other theories you don't want me spilling. Come on Toassster, give me your damned spot!
Attila Balan: Sorry Vincent, I would like to assist you, but I have already picked a far more worthy recipient - my tag team partner, Buster Friendly!
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
Beelzebozo: No. I refuse.
Attila Balan: Please reconsider my friend, the spot will increase your probability of winning by a large margin.
Beelzebozo: Are you saying the only way I'm winning this thing is with your spot?
Attila Balan: ...by a margin of 9%.
Beelzebozo: I don't want your sympathy! I can win this without your help, you condescending prick!
Attila Balan: This is not meant as a slight Buster, just a gift. They deactivated your heavyweight title, so I concluded that another large accomplishment as in order. The next step towards making you the best Buster Friendly you can be is winning this rumble.
Beelzebozo: What do you think of me?!
Vile "Vince" Viper: You know Attila... I have bad karma... and the doctors have given me weeks... maybe even minutes to live... if you're looking for a charity cassse, I could sure use your ssspot.
Beelzebozo: Charity case!?
[It really doesn't take much with these champions. Before Viper can finish solving the mystery of whether Beelzebozo kidnapped Vampira for himself or at the request of The Industrial Man, FUNNY BUSINESS EXPLODES! In the process of covering up from Beelzebozo's clubbing blows, Balan lands a few shots of his own. The two men roll around the snake covered canvas, trading lefts and rights. The crowd are on their feet expecting the next chapter in their classic encounter as the two men brawl to the backstage area over who is going to be the last man up.]
Andrew Fulton: Even coming out last, Attila Balan is not going to be fresh if he spends the hour before the rumble brawling around with Beelzebozo! What are they thinking?
[Contingency plans. On the next Python's Pit - The President of Southern States SWAT.]
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mosler
Special GUNS Acess
Mosler's not here man.
Posts: 2,339
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Post by mosler on Apr 24, 2023 16:20:03 GMT -5
SWAT Southern States - Friday Fight Night #1; February 9, 2018
{{A young boy looks through a tacky tourist shop. After behaving for the long drive there, the boy can count on his uncle to buy him his heart's desire. Irregular comic books you just don't see on the newsstands back home. Snow globes. Strange action figures made in China. Exotic candy. Sporting gear advertising the local sports team. The boy races from one object to the next, torturing himself with this important decision. Eventually, the sunlight glistening off the clock shaped like a cat ends up reflecting onto his perfect gift. The boy's eyes light up as he thinks of all the possibilities that this cowboys and Indians set contains. The headdress looks a little tight, but the plastic six-shooter and bow-and-arrows will make him the most popular kid at recess. Even if he had a hard time shooting arrows, the boy could count on the gun to be a real wild west outlaw. The other kids will think he is so cool.}}
{{The human mind is such a feeble thing, and in that early stage of growth borders on the psychotic.}}
{{Recess. The grassy playgrounds of the dark ages have been replaced by cold, hard, asphalt. This stark environment should stifle reckless imagination of early edition humanoids, yet the boy fights against the sterilizing backdrop, he is an outlaw. With only fifteen minutes to express himself, the boy attempts to rob a bank with his friends. They are too busy playing superheroes, and quickly take turns beating him up for trying to interject some American history into their make-believe. Ironman holds the outlaw's arms down while Thor and Batman give the child a pink belly. Pikachu zaps the plastic gun until it breaks in two. The heroes retreat to their studies with the ring of a bell, leaving the outlaw to cut his hands up trying to collect the pieces of broken plastic. Even though it is a crude, plastic replica, the school is left with no choice but to inform the law authorities. The boy's parents are not thrilled. Teachers understand that while bullying is wrong, and it is good that the boy is expressing himself, outlaws are astonishingly dumb.}}
{{The suspension for a toy gun is not included in the family form letter that updates the relatives on the yearly goings on around Christmas. Remembering how taken the boy was with that cowboy playset, his uncle brings a Red Rider BB gun as a gift for Easter. Before his parents get a chance to give this relative a harsh talking too, the boy withdraws. What use is a family that only appear when it suits them? What use are a family at all? Like the crudly made gun, this relationship was broken on that cold asphalt ground. The boy looked up to his uncle, the black sheep of the family. He never saw what his parents complained about. That was before he changed schools. The uncle was cool, he should have warned the boy how lame outlaws were. The boy is not capable of accepting responsibility for his own failings. That relationship will not be restored. So while tense, a family gathers in the living room, while the boy sits in a darkened room wishing he still had friends. He still had his gun. He still was an outlaw. In a dark room he cries into his pillow.}}
{{These are the images that flash upon the screen. They paint a picture of a scared child.}}
{{Seeking the approval of people without knowing why, or even where to begin.}}
{{Blaming others for his own shortcomings.}}
{{Clinging to the imagery of the past, unable to accept the reality of the present.}}
{{Wanting a toy without being able to properly use or take care of it.}}
{{Running the program of a fool, the boy continues to muffle his anguish with his pillow. He has the pity of the Industiral Man, but not the mercy.}}
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mosler
Special GUNS Acess
Mosler's not here man.
Posts: 2,339
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Post by mosler on Apr 24, 2023 16:20:38 GMT -5
{{Four.}}
{{SWAT TV plays Franklin D. Roosevelt's 1941 State of the Union address.}}
{{The Four Freedoms.}}
{{The freedoms of speech and worship, and the freedoms from want and fear. Watching the wheelchair-bound president extol the virtues of these concepts, The Industrial Man processes if his programming contains the code to give such freedoms to his opponents. File Not Found. Unfortunately, it is outside the parameters of his function to allow his prey these minor comforts.}}
{{Freedom of speech. A noble sentiment. Yet the champion's revisionist history is as self-defeating as Bass' rosy ruminations of past glories. In his silence, the Dragon King will emerge from this collection of four better just for his lack of false communications. These speeches can only assist in devaluing their conditions further following the defeat.}}
{{Freedom of worship. When confronted by the machine, it is easy to become obsessed with the machine. Dreams of becoming closer to the steel perfection one barely survived, quickly replaces the previous golden idols. This is an impossibility. Still, the Industrial Man wishes he could save his fleshling opponents from this self-defeating cycle of worship.}}
{{Freedom from wants. Luchian Inc. could mass produce international title belts so that all four men could walk away with straps, but the championship? That is a want that these three will have to live with.}}
{{Freedom from fear...}}
{{When the four gather together in the ring, there will be a chain reaction of explosive proportions. Though the sparks and flames, one figure will cut a path with mechanical precision. The pursuit of honor, with both challenges and the defense largely unearned, set these humanoids in the sights of the engine. When the process starts, its function is clear, to rend them limb from limb. There can be only fear.}}
{{The footage of FDR's four freedoms speech draws to a close.}}
{{You have just witnessed an attempt at communication between two very different life forms. The higher form chose to convey how dire its opponents circumstances are through stock footage, as an optimal form of delivering bad news. The patriotism was meant to alleviate feelings of loss that could be associated with the coming emasculation. Not unlike leaving a leg in Afghanistan but being allowed to sit down in a subsequent parade. There is a 20% probability that the use of Roosevelt will be considered a personal attack by the Japanese delegation of the contest, but this was not an implied slight.}}
{{Four.}}
{{This has been your first education by steel.}}
{{It will not be your last.}}
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mosler
Special GUNS Acess
Mosler's not here man.
Posts: 2,339
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Post by mosler on Apr 24, 2023 16:21:42 GMT -5
C:\> Initiate Hammer Protocol ================== With so many bodies flying around in the rumble, sometimes the smaller details get waxed over... so we take you back to No Man's Land... [Having landed hard on his head, it takes Anonymoose a few minutes to get back up. One of his antlers is partially broken. Looking back to the ring, Anon stares at Viper with a hatred for the ages. Then remembers the last backyard show. Oh right! The early MOTYC Confessions match... pushing past some referees that are trying to see if he's concussed to yell up to Beelzebozo...] Anonymoose: Franchise! Beelzebozo: I'm a little busy here! Anonymoose: I thought it was cloning boss. That made way more sense.
Beelzebozo: What are you on about?!
Anonymoose: All those guys dressed as you over in Backyard? Great news! They aren't clones!
Beelzebozo: ...Perhaps they were really me and you were seeing double because of how hard I'm about to hit you?
Anonymoose: Not that either. It turns out they are all in training, having bought into a franchise...
[...Franchise.]
[Anonymoose doesn't have to fill in any other details. Before we can watch Anonymoose get dragged off by security and referees, the focus follows Beelzebozo as he stomps across the ring, ignoring the action around him to confront the only man who could be responsible for the army of clowns.]
Beelzebozo: YOU FRANCHISED MY LIKENESS!?
Attila Balan: Buster my friend! You are doing great in here! Bueller has your chances of winning standing at a solid 77%...
Beelzebozo <shoving I-man into the corner>: YOU _FRANCHISED_ MY LIKENESS?!?!?!?!?!
Attila Balan <if only his cold robotic face could betray confusion>: We went over this months ago. You said you had done all your due diligence before signing the contract.
Beelzebozo: WHAT CONTRACT?
Attila Balan: Sure Buster, next you will tell me you also forgot the royalty cheques you have been cashing for the past three months. I will never understand your human humour... but you are very funny my friend.
[Does he think I'm some sort of clown?]
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
[FUNNY BUSINESS EXPLODES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!]
[Pushed to the breaking point, Buster Friendly grabs The Industrial Man by the throat, trying to choke the artificial life out of him. As the two men continue to bicker over the legal use of Beelzebozo's likeness... from behind...]
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[VILE VINCE VIPER CHARGES AT THEM WITH A DOUBLE CLOSELINE... more concerned with killing each other than the match, the greatest tag team in the history of SWAT fails prey to old scratch who knocks them out to the floor. What just happened? Ignoring the old man in the ring, ignoring the elimination, The Industrial Man and Beelzebozo start to brawl outside on the floor.]
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
[The audience boo and throw trash in the ring, as Vile slithers over to a microphone...]
Vile "Vince" Viper: ...h...was... wassss.... there ever any doubt? I...It was... nice to have the whole SSSWAT family here... as we... as we head into different directions... different territories... different regions... as we identify with different parts of the world... redefine our sense of selves... its going to get harder and harder for us to all get... together like this................ <coughing blood> just know... that no matter what region you get sent to... no matter where you end up... you're still part of the SSSWAT family..................
...and I will see you all dead.
[It's true. Vile laughs up blood as he stares at the ceiling. The DEVIL of SWAT will haunt your dreams, wherever you go.]
AB: The friendship of steel...
{{The camera pans away from Viper's hideous smile to the sky grey eyes of The Industrial Man as he surveys the footage on repeat in his personal movie theatre. The A.I. BEULLER that has been installed in the back of his cerebral cortex, has already mapped out every option and scenario from that horrible day. Bobbi punches some buttons on the projector to run it through again; these are the days she wished the boss slept. She would even settle for him to go into stasus mode. Noticing the camera in the theatre, Bobbi once again perks up, her employer finds enthusiasm to be optimal.}}
AB: Lights.
{{As the house lights go on in the theatre, Balan turns to nod in friendly acknowledgment at the videographer. Bobbi seems pleased with the new presence. A break from the constantly looping rumble video for I-man to cut a promo will allow her to have a smoke break.}}
AB: Mute the audio, but kindly keep the video running, Bobbi. <smiling at the camera operator> No reason I should not multitask.
{{The young woman looks crestfallen.}}
AB: ...After you set it up, take an interval of rest, Bobbi. I can only simulate how depleting this process must be for a humanoid. If human digestive organs were incorporated into my design, I can only imagine how deeply upsetting I would find Vincent's oral hygiene expanded to these dimensions.
B: Thanks boss.
{{The young woman races off. As part of Attila Balan's war on nature, Luchian Inc. primarily hires vapists.}}
AB: I sometimes forget the limits of the human form. Please let me assure you, I am not here to torture my staff. I am not an ogre... <turning to the camera with an artificial smile> I am the next best thing.
{{A sudden flash of bright light from the file running against the screen creates all the effects of a menacing lightning bolt, setting a tense mood with that last revelation.}}
AB: I would like to apologize to my fans. You all witnessed an unfortunate misunderstanding with Buster Friendly, an error that while brief allowed the inferior competitor Vincent to slow down my ongoing project to improve Beelzebozo. This misunderstands occur when you mix business with friendship. Due to my lack of interpersonal skills as a machine, I have allowed my interest in Buster Friendly to stunt the growth of Buster Friendly. I am endangering the project. This cannot be allowed to continue. I would just like assure my loyal fans that any animosity between Funny Business will be resolved shortly. While I have little interest in defending the SWAT TWINSTAR titles, I know we will resolve these differences of opinion in time to win the 2018 ANZAC Cup. This is a minor distraction from a wonderful friendship, profitable business transaction, and human evolution. What is the best way to resolve this conflict?
BUELLER assures me that the best course of action is to take the friendship out of the business transaction.
What does this mean? That for Buster Friendly to continue on his path to personal betterment, I have to take the machine out of the equation.
So if I remove myself from Buster Friendly, he will undoubtedly win the Southern States heavyweight title on his way to getting revenge on the inferior specimen, Vincent. This is an optimal scenario. In addition, without our interactions, we can allow our litigation teams to take care of his alleged breach of contract; so that we may reunite with our friendship intact.
Now that you have been UPDATED, allow me to put this information into context.
Since both Buster Friendly and myself are located in the Southern States, how do I best take myself out of this scenario?
{{Reaching into his popcorn bag, Attila Balan pulls out a fistful of lug nuts. Chewing on a few of them as he drops the hammer.}}
AB: The International title.
With this SWAT championship, I can officially tour the West Coast - cutting my Southern States obligations in half. I like the South, considering it quite charming, and find the weather agrees with my metallic frame. The decision to crush Daniel Collins is not a personal one, rather a means to open my travel itinerary. It is not a perfect scenario but does improve the success of Project FBR by 50%. In addition, when I am able to speak with Buster again, and he insists on me downgrading to cameo appearances in the Backyard federation, I will no longer have to simulate guilt at my brief appearances. So while I do not need the championship to prove my worth like the other competitors, it does make sense for me to acquire it at this juncture.
As for my competitors...
When running scenarios through my processing unit, Tatsuo Takeshi has the highest percentage of being the pinfall victim, while having the lowest percentage of victory. These are just simulations Takeshi, and while they are always accurate, please do not take them as conclusive evidence of your failure. You are sadly not a machine, and as a result, have free will. Also, my litigation team is currently engaged elsewhere. So take heart in this opportunity. We have crossed paths before, Imaginary Reptile Royalty, and I find your inexperienced humanoid worldview to be quite consistent compared to your embittered seniors. If my speech patterns allowed for puns, I would advise you that all your problems revolve around Green. Which would refer to both the quantity of your experience, as well as your choice of management. I regret that I am not allowed to make sure a pun, and refuse to hire Anonymoose to make it for me. We are all wrestlers, and you deserve to be there, is what I would like to inform you. It is unfortunate that my parameters do not allow me to lie. After an unimpressive appearance in the royal rumble, headlining the first episode of Friday Night Fights is a substantial improvement for your profile. BEULLER suggests that you should probably keep your head down and avoid serious injury to your frame. Should you be healthy enough to defeat a lesser competitor on the next show, this minor appearance on the higher card placement should help your career. I shall attempt to override my primary directives, to avoid targeting your neck. BUELLER also advises you not to let anyone else refer to you as Imaginary Reptile Royalty, as the parallels to another competitors moniker might prove to be a disadvantage to your health. With these two pieces of data as a guide, I hope you will endeavor to become the best Tatsuo Takeshi you can be, and one day actually EARN a shot at the belt.
Morris Bass. Vincent was able to defy the laws and steal a victory. I would offer my congratulations, but you really did nothing to assist in his win. As guest stars go, you did not poll well with focus groups. Your actual involvement in the rumble was non-existent. At one point Vincent used you as a prop to avoid elimination, a feat also achieved by James Fierce. I hope you were well paid your triumphant return to the ring, substituting for a table. As a robot, I hold a great deal of respect for inanimate objects, I just do not believe in rewarding them with title shots. I would suggest that if this contest had not been decided in a publisher's clearance house themed poll to see who had the fastest management, you might have once again been performing as a table, or perhaps acting in some other important duty. BUELLER suggests Vincent's jockstrap, though based on the dimensions, I believe that may have been a joke.
Outlaw. The data for the length of your retirement is currently unavailable from my systems. Were cowboys popular when you were last performing at peak output? Perhaps Dances with Wolves enjoyed award contention? I am not here to denigrate your nickname, wardrobe, or otherwise bruise your ego. I am a robot. Much like being an outlaw in 2018, this concept can be hard for some to process. Even though I will crush your chances of championship victory, allowing you to put the proper time into EARNING a title shot without resting on the merits of previous accomplishments, this is not done with malice. If you would like to take your outlaw concept out of the eighteen hundreds and into modern times, I would be happy to get my marketing department to assist you. While your hobbies may include chasing trains and animal husbandry, mine involves upgrading those around me. Perhaps you could become a cyborg cowboy? My company Luchian Inc would be happy to provide you with an artificial hip. When I have finished with you, Ihave no doubt that you will require it.
We have two challengers, that have yet to prove themselves in SWAT rings.
This is fitting, as we have a champion with similar credentials.
Daniel Collins.
Eliminating you from the rumble played into your plans? That does not surprise me.
The plan to do the bare minimum on your way to another quick pay day? I understand.
Actually, I am incredibly wealthy and have never had to worry about making money since coming online.
This flaw in my programming aside, you have been getting by with the bare minimum since this unit arrived. During my carpool promotional videos, I was given a chance to scan Timeless, he is an impressive specimen. You would not know that from the way you speak about him, but Timeless is an impressive athlete. The fact that you spent a year defending the International title against him is a testament to your skill, or it would be if you did not have constant outside factors protecting your reign. Not Phoenix, your father is amazing. My databanks also indicate your battles with CSK, the only performer in SWAT as burnt out as the dark phoenix. I am sure there are many human factors that I am unable to factor in that explain your general apathy, but from what my ocular scanners have processed, Daniel, you need to find your passion for this game.
The rumble elimination is something you feel the need to avenge?
What about the Halloween Cup where I pinned you, CLEANLY for the win?
It has been months, yet due to an unbalanced ranking system, you were able to go through the motions with Kilroy Evans and more Timeless instead of avenging your honor to that insult. How many time units have passed since you last called upon your Uncle for advice? Do you only bring him into action when you are afraid? Two incidental defeats, could your championship finally be on the line?
BUELLER suggested that being the world champion of a regional governing body with only one region may have caused your lack of interest in the sport. Your general contempt might not be related to father issues. BUELLER is an optimist that way.
It is this units sincerest hope that with the revitalized region system, you will once again treat being International Champion as an honor worthy of your time. With this match reigniting your passion and giving you back your missing heart.
At least it would be if I did not require your belt to divide my own time with the West Coast.
Recognizing how crushing my victory will be to your already fragile ego Daniel, please allow me to offer you the finest psychiatric help that Luchian Inc. can provide.
{{It seems the rumble footage has once again come to an end, freezing on Viper's pleased expression.}}
AB: ...SWAT has had enough villainy to fill my smaller memory banks. With Southern States, Luchian will start giving back to the fans. I hope that all three of my opponents can take something away from this encounter. As I will be taking away the belt.
{{As the projector enters sleep mode, the theatre is once again left in the dark.}}
{{HAMMER MODE ENDED.}}
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mosler
Special GUNS Acess
Mosler's not here man.
Posts: 2,339
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Post by mosler on Apr 24, 2023 16:22:34 GMT -5
{{Tim Gates is walking around the mall with his wife and children. They are not in the frame, having obtained the necessary funds from Tim to have fun on their own. The middle aged IT professional is spending a little too much time staring at an elderly bag woman. After a few seconds of deciding if the old bag woman will be his friend or would just be using him for a dollar, Tim realizes that his is a loveless marriage.}}
Bobbi: Excuse me.
{{Tim stares at the pretty young woman in the designer tuxedo, wondering if she has escaped from a magic show. How cruel was the magician, and can he run away with her.}}
Bobbi: We're currently drawing together a focus group, and were wondering if you would be interested in participating.
Tim: Is that anything like jury duty where the other people in the room aren't allowed to talk outside of it?
Bobbi: No.
{{A chance for friends! The Industrial Man's lovely assistant doesn't have to ask Tim Gates twice. A flash frame takes us into a small conference room. Women and men alike place their purses on the chairs next to them, recognizing Tim as a stage 5 clinger. As Tim eventually settles for a chair against the wall, Bobbi reenters the room.}}
Bobbi: Thank you all for joining us, we won't be taking too much of your time today. Before we start, show of hands, do any of you like professional wrestling?
{{A moment of silence.}}
Bobbi: Good. Despite not having an interest in wrestling, are any of you familiar with Luchian Inc. or The Industrial Man?
Darren, 31, Accountant: Hell of a nice guy!
Warren, 76, Retired: The robot recused Pixie out of a tree!
Thelma, 25, Housewife: On my way to delivering my second, we got caught on the highway. I was giving birth in the back of a prius, it was breached, looked like the end for both of us, when he showed up out of nowhere and delivered little Attila to me!
Christie, 38, Ice Cream Designer: The same thing happened to me! I was caught in an elevator, water broke, Attila ran up seventy two flights of stairs to help me deliver!
Warren, 76, Retired: Pixie is the name of my cat. No. Granddaughter.
Christie, 38, Ice Cream Designer: The funny thing is, I was only expecting my Etelka; but Attila delivered triplets. He's such a marvelous mechanical man.
Popo, 21, no longer a gangbanger: I used to sell crack at highschools, but one day Mr. Balan caught me, and showed me how I was handing away all my profits. He's like some sort of angel.
{{Everyone in the room has a heart warming story about The Industrial Man, everyone but Tim Gates.}}
Bobbi: Well today we're just testing out a few of The Industrial Man's new catchphrases.
Tim: How about, "It's a girl!"
{{Another moment of silence.}}
Thelma, 25, Housewife: That shit ain't funny.
Bobbi: Thank you Mr. Gates, but we already have had a marketing team of forty working the past half year on the selections we'll have you weighing in on.
SCREEN: Optimal.
Johnny, 16, Comic Collector: That is so him.
Hamid, 51, Lucid: It means nothing to me, but if the Balan says is good, is good.
Tiny, 41, Weight Lifter: That's like his credo. This one time I didn't spot proper, and my muscles literally exploded; it took twenty seven operations for me to lift a pencil. Doctor Balan performed all of them probono, what a nice guy.
SCREEN: Machines don't experience emotion, but are you fucking kidding me?
Abe, 80, Rabbi: That would be great, but good luck getting Atty to say it. He doesn't go much in for the curse words, or the slang.
SCREEN: You are only human.
Lopan, 2301, Chinese Ghost: Its like he's in the room right now.
Barbara, 25, Metermaid: Every time I'm taking Frankie for his checkups, Doctor Balan is always calming me down with that one.
Bobbi: Could you see yourselves yelling it out when he says it?
Rita, Norm, R-Star, Peyton, Glenda, Skipper, Pixie: YOU ARE ONLY HUMAN.
{{Bobbi writes something in a note pad.}}
SCREEN: ERROR.
Stan, 96, National Treasure: I don't get it.
Bobbi: Context computer.
SCREEN: Give me a second Collin Daniels while I attempt to care how losing your title made you feel... one sec... ERROR.
{{Everyone seems to find that amusing.}}
SCREEN: I AM GOING TO MOW YOU DOWN, LIKE I DID THE AMAZON RAIN FOREST.
Tim: That's horrible.
{{The focus group turns to mouth swear words at the odd man out.}}
Bobbi: Why do you say that Tim?
Tim: Well, most people like the Amazon, if you want people to like this Industrial Man, I wouldn't have him lieing about clear cutting it.
Frank, 35, RSO: Lying?
Tim: He didn't really do that. ...he didn't, right?
Darla, 62, Lawyer: Can we declare this a mistrial? There is no way we're going to be able to effectively help Mr. Balan with this yahoo trolling us.
{{The general consensus of the room is that Tim Gates' family were right to abandon him.}}
SCREEN: I WILL MAKE YOU BETTER.
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mosler
Special GUNS Acess
Mosler's not here man.
Posts: 2,339
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Post by mosler on Apr 24, 2023 16:24:09 GMT -5
"Sparkling" Joey Diamond: Tatsuo Takeshi has been eliminated!!! The winner of the match and the NEEEEEEEEEEEW SWAT International Champion -- "Industrial Man" Attila Balaaaaaaaaaaaaan
["Strict Machine" erupts over the PA again as the referee raises the hand of Balan as he hands him the International Championship belt... The following appears on the screen...]
***************************************************************************
Winner (and NEW SWAT International champion): "Industrial Man" Attila Balan Time of match: 0:13:53
***************************************************************************
AB <holding up title>: UPGRADE! SOUTHERN STATES... I may have won this championship, but you won the part of my chest cavity where a heart would be... Confirming the correct terminology and serial numbers of that piece with BUELLER - yes - the autobot matrix of power... While my next time units have been scheduled in the West Coast, process that I will be defending this belt for the South!
[Incredibly cheers! The south has always wanted a robot!]
AB <looking at the belt>: ...OPTIMAL!
[The wonderful mechanical man who is a friend to all but hates nature, climbs turnbuckles to pose with a piece of metal almost as valuable as himself... If robots could experience emotions, I-Man would be happy...]
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mosler
Special GUNS Acess
Mosler's not here man.
Posts: 2,339
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Post by mosler on Apr 24, 2023 16:26:08 GMT -5
ACW Retribution - March 5th, 2018
{{In the offices of Joe Pesci...}}
Receptionist: Apparently Atlantic Coast is touring again, and needs you to sign off on television clearances to broadcast it.
Pesci: Oh so Slain came crawling back? Che palli! Well, tough freaking luck! I have total faith in Southern States! Tell that figlio di puttana that his ship has sailed...
"Are you certain you are in possession of all pertinent information?"
Pesci: Who the HELL let you in here?
{{The Industrial Man lurches into the office with all the finesse of a well oiled machine.}}
AB: As one business man to another, I would like to show you something...
Pesci: Unless you got a hydraulic press for a pecker and can hook me up with one, you don't have anything that I'm interested in pal.
AB: I can certainly have my associate Sainovic look into press upgrades, but it is actually something that BUELLER wants to show you. I had my secondary A.I. program run SWAT through a SIMULATOR...
Pesci: ...Simulated SWAT?
AB: Yes. Creating results, showing you the possibility of a SWAT without ACW.
Pesci: Well that sounds like a real treat...
{{BUELLER runs the SWAT simulation to the horror of all.}}
Pesci: Viper and Goth get buried... HA... I can get behind... oh... oh... OH...
{{Despite a novelty amusement at the horrible simulation, the results keep coming, each more horrible than the last. When the final match draws to a close, Joe Pesci looks like a broken man.}}
Pesci: Please... no more...
AB: So you see, SIMULATED SWAT is the future---
Pesci: Make it stop!!!
{{Taken aback, The Industrial Man turns the simulator off. What a horrible possibility.}}
Pesci <calling the receptionist>: Diane, get me Slain on the phone! We need to get that TV deal through asap!
{{The mechanical man shows himself to the door, that certainly was a grim future. Resting the International title over his shoulder to prove it wasn't all some horrible dream, Attila Balan steps out into the hallway to come face to face with his former tag partner.}}
AB: Oh... Buster...
Beelzebozo: ...Balan...
AB: ...I just spoke with Pesci, ACW has been reactivated. You are once again the rightful champion.
Beelzebozo: ...thanks. I hate to admit it, but your plan worked. You pushing me....the franchise thing....it lit a fire inside me. I've never had anyone do anything to really support me before. Don't get me wrong, I still hate you and want you destroyed......but you're also my friend. I'm not good at this kind of thing but...
{{Beelzebozo gives the robot an awkward hug.}}
Beelzebozo: I just realized something. ACW is back and I had to pawn the championship belt...
AB: ...You found out how much Cheval Blanc 1947 St-Emilion costs, I take it?
Beelzebozo <fighting back tears>: ...It's just so damn good.
AB: Welcome back champ.
Beelzebozo: ...I'm so thirsty.
{{The scene fades on another SIMULATED SWAT.}}
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mosler
Special GUNS Acess
Mosler's not here man.
Posts: 2,339
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Post by mosler on Apr 24, 2023 16:26:52 GMT -5
{{All the employees of Luchian Inc. are living it up in Disneyland.}}
{{How did you celebrate The Industrial Man's title win?}}
{{As Bobbi desperately searches for a place to puff away at her florescent pink electronic cigarette, and Zoran Sainovic looks visibly upset while watching Goofy taking pictures with children, the champ is busy delivering babies at the top of ferris wheels. The child will be named Attila in his honour. As the wheel takes the new family and their robotic saviour down to the ground, the marvellous mechanical man is who a friend to all but hates nature is greeting by a round of applause from an appreciative crowd.}}
AB <waving a metallic hand at his fans>: Thank you for your support - I absolutely despise the miracle of humanoid birth and natural order it represents, but frequently find myself in a position to assist it.
{{The crowd continue to hoot and scream their approval, finding his brutal honesty to be refreshingly human. Working through the crowd with technical precision, Attila Balan signs autographs and poses for pictures on his way to the SWAT camera.}}
AB: Greetings Syndicate Wrestling viewers, I am unable to display the complex emotions associated with my recent championship victory, but BEULLER is attempting to simulate euphoria.
{{Balan poses with Donald Duck to the delight of his fans.}}
AB: To celebrate I have taken my employees on an all expense paid trip to the happiest place on earth. Hopefully my opponents in the contest enjoyed their gift baskets. Before addressing my future plans for this title, I would just like to express the sympathy of steel to Dark Phoenix. It is always difficult to transition from the standard by which all others are measured, to becoming one of the others. Losing the the title in a multi-man contest? A further insult. SWAT expanding into new regions that would render an overall title belt finally relevant must make the defeat all the more bitter. Just know Collins that after you have collected your bearings, repaired damage, and feel up to a one on one return for the international strap, I will be more than willing to take you to task. You will find a contract for a rematch in that gift basket, which you are more than welcome to take to the dump.
This unit can be relied upon to be active, engaging with its challengers at a rate that might actually foster growth.
The only faulty logic with my data processor was pledging my chest cavity unit to the Southern States, just as that region got relocated. The south. An inauspicious start to this INDUSTRIAL AGE.
My random access memory displays that Tong Fairtex was the HARDKORE champion of the South.
A quick search of Southern culture does not result in technological wonders like myself, nor Muay Thai fighters. Your championship reign is an unknown quantity, which make it difficult to create parameters to predict our contest. This is known. You will be defeated.
For the past six month cycles of time, my efforts to revitalize the SWAT tag team division with my best friend Buster, have been undermined by the Fairtex brothers. No matter how many successful title defences we have, SWAT continues to use you as the face of tag team wrestling. You successfully won the Anzac Cup. Congratulations. That accomplishment from the past year has been incorporated into the Syndicate brand. If your victory had somehow encouraged the signing and competition of tag teams, I would think you were a sound business decision. The results speak otherwise. When Southern States was finally ready to crown new tag team champions, Funny Business was left out. Is that due to incompetence on the part of the booking staff? There is a 95% chance that is the case - but the remaining 5% represent the lacklustre shadow you cast over the division.
So displaying results for your previous victory, will I allow you to win the International title? ERROR.
Just as Buster quickly dispatches your ally the Psychotic Goth, I too will reign supreme with my first successful defence of the international title over you Tong.
...First the son of my hero Phoenix, now the son of the Shootfighter. My newly won division seems to be based more on nepotism than merit. Having no genetic code of my own, I put little stock in the progeny of great men. These second generation wrestlers must be shut down, for a fresh intake of plasma.
{{Trying to steal some of Goofy's DNA for the purposes of cloning, blissfully ignorant of the concept of men in suits, Zoran Sainovic yanks some of the giant costumed rat's hair. The ensuing struggle with security provides a nice action piece to conclude with.}}
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