Gun Show s4e6: May the Fourth be with you
May 3, 2023 12:51:55 GMT -5
Mongo the Destroyer, Dave D-Flipz, and 2 more like this
Post by Venom 🕷 on May 3, 2023 12:51:55 GMT -5
It’s quiet and dark in GUNS Arena. In a dimly lit hallway a cloaked figure creeps in. He looks around to see that the coast is clear and removes his hood revealing the young El Rey. He takes a deep breath and begins walking slowly down the hall. He suddenly stops and stands erect with his hand on his hip.
El Rey: It’s quiet. Too quiet.
El Rey listens harder and soon we hear something. It’s faint at first and then it becomes stronger and more clear, heavy breathing. When El Rey hears this he reaches and pulls out a blue light saber. The light from the saber reveals Darth Vader standing down the hall from him. Slowly Vader reaches in unveils his own light saber, red because he’s the bad guy.
Vader: I knew you would come.
El Rey: How? I didn’t even know I was doing this until like ten minutes ago.
Vader: I could feel it within the force.
El Rey: Sure you did.
Just then El Rey runs and strikes. The greatest ever lightsaber battle ensues. It’s so good it leaves the audience wondering if these are just super realistic light sabers or has Karn Industries supplied some amazing CGI. They go back and forth in the epic battle with El Rey getting the upper hand before Vader forces pushes him away. El Rey flies back and lands hard on his back and then scrambles to his feet.
El Rey: You’re strong with the force, but you’re no match for the youngest Jedi Master in the galaxy.
Vader: Rey…
El Rey: What?
Vader: Rey I am… your father!
El Rey: Nooooooooooo!
Vader: No really, I am your father.
Just then Darth Vader removes his helmet revealing Darth Venom!
Darth Venom: It’s just me. This is my costume for the post show party.
El Rey: Oh.
Darth Vader: Should we head inside? Shows about to start.
Welcome to the Gun Show! We open on a screaming crowd many of them waving lightsabers of all kinds. Few people throw up their signs like “Tom Phillips is Han Solo because he’s always rock hard,” “Zoran is the Emporor because he’s evil as fuck,” and “Magnus is Jar Jar Binks because no one likes him.” We pan to the announcers table where Magnus is clearly annoyed by the sign about him and Tom is looks all to pleased with himself.
Phillips: Welcome to the Gun Show. We’ve got a special theme tonight because it’s May the Fourth!
Magnus: That’s right we do and I’d totally be a Mandolrian because this is the way.
Phillips: Sure you would Jar Jar. We have a huge show for you tonight. Let’s kick it off with our first match up!
“Let’s Fighting Love” pumps over the PA system as Rival Recruiter Ozawa makes his way out of the back. Everyone’s favourite J-RoK scab isn’t even making his true company allegiance a secret, coming out flanked by young lions, Daichi Endo and Kei Yamada.
Phillips: At GUNS Tax Day show, we all saw Florida Man once again make a nuisance of himself, brutally assaulting Ozawa and definitely tanking the Streaming Divisions Rumble chances. Apparently FML didn’t take too kindly to our New Years Special, where he was tricked into signing a second J-RoK contract with even worse merchandising residuals.
Magnus: Disgruntled employees... what a world. Um. If you’ll excuse me.
Phillips: Wait, Magnus- the match is just starting...
Magnus: I’ll be right back.
*BUMP*
The camera follows after Magnus, as he hurries up the ramp, right past Ozawa – no selling his entrance. The hallways of GUNS Arena are especially dark this evening. Making his way to the front lobby, chains can be heard rattling. Jacob Marlow?
Magnus: WHAT IS TAKING SO LONG?
Nope, Darth Vader is padlocking the front doors shut.
Darth Venom: You know how many doors this building has? This is the last one.
Magnus: Well, security hasn’t seen him, so we may just pull this off yet.
After fumbling with a few more chains, the lock is finally in place.
Darth Venom: There.
The two men breathe sighs of relief.
Magnus: We should have fired him when we had the chance. YOU JUST HAD TO GET REVENGE!
Darth Venom: Who was faking his injuries? That’s right, Zoran! Which means he WAS trying to get El Rey killed by Price. I was right all along. So instead of passing blame, everyone should be saying YOU WERE RIGHT VENOM, WHAT A GREAT JUDGE OF CHARACTER, SORRY WE DOUBTED YOU!
Magnus: Oh no! You’re not giving yourself a pat on the back for this one. When you find an angry hornets nest, you get rid of the thing; don’t take it home!
Darth Venom: I was taking care of a problem, and we can still fire-
Magnus: No we can’t-
Rattle.
Both men go dead silent.
The chains rattle again.
Someone. Or something. Is trying to force its way in.
Venom gestures for Magnus to be very quiet. The two men start to tip toe away.
KNOCK.
KNOCK.
KNOCK.
Damn. They cringe in unison.
“Little pig... little pig... let me in.”
Fuck me.
Magnus (putting on an irish accent): Evening there boyo, only us custodial staff on site, you betcha bygolie... and we aren’t permitted to let anyone in. Shamrocks.
“...I am meeting my son here zis evening.”
Magnus (still irish): Is this about that May the Forth show? You aren’t the only fan we be sending packing over that rib. Potatoes. Turns out the show is in Miami. No show here tonight. Nothing to see here. I mean, what kind of holiday is May the Forth anyway? Leaping leprechauns, that sounds foreign to me.
“I am expected.”
Magnus: Someone has clearly played a trick on you, there is no show. We can’t let you in.
“Zen I’ll... huff... and I’ll puff... and I’ll blow zis arena down.”
Magnus: I have to get back to cleaning toilets, sorry again sir.
The lesser evils that are GUNS management tip toe away from the door.
Darth Venom: If he burns down the arena, would we be considered accessories to murder for locking all the exits?
Magnus: This isn’t J-RoK, there will be no mass homicides. We just have to pretend the show isn’t happening, and that the company went bankrupt and closed. He’ll never catch us.
“WHAT DOES EVERYBODY WANT?”
The loud voice of a Floridian accent pumps over the arena’s PA system, reverberating down the corridors. No sooner is the noise heard, then the chains start rattling again.
“...I will not disappoint ze boy.”
Wide eyed in horror, Venom runs for the control room, while Magnus V-lines back out into the main arena. Florida Man is making his way down to the ring, working the crowd like only he can.
Florida Man: WHAT DOES EVERYBODY WANT?
Crowd (clap back): CRYSTAL METH!
Florida Man: WHAT DOES EVERYBODY NEED?
Crowd (clap back): CRYSTAL METH!
Florida Man: WHO YOU GONNA BUY IT FROM?
Crowd (clap back): NOT FROM YOU.
Florida Man: WHY THE HECK NOT?
Crowd (clap back): YOU CUT IT WITH FENTANYL!
Florida Man (shrug): Everyone’s a critic.
Magnus (running out of the back): CUT HIS MIC!
O.B.R.C.: HE BROUGHT HIS OWN.
Florida Man: TONIGHT, ATLANTA IS FLORIDA COUNTRY!
The crowd cheer for the outside menace. Largely because they are Disney Star Wars fans and think the gorn mask is an Mos Eisley cantina reference, and not a tribute to the superior Star Trek, which they are supposed to hate.
*BUMP*
Magnus (once again on headset): Venom, can we get the loudspeakers from 11 to like point 1?
The audio pumping throughout the arena gets cut dramatically. So much so, that it is easy to hear Magnus breathe a sigh of relief.
Phillips: What are you up to?
Magnus: Self-preservation.
Phillips: So the offending second contract has been placed on a pole in the far corner, a good ten feet above the ring- and-
Magnus: Did you hear knocking?
Phillips: What- no.
Magnus (talking to the production crew): Venom, kill the lights.
The arena is plunged into darkness.
Phillips: I can’t see a thing.
Magnus: Yes, from the outside it will look like everyone has gone home. Genius!
Phillips: But how will the performers know where to climb or if they have the contract if they can’t see?
Magnus: This was basically a J-RoK match anyway. Screw ‘em!
At this point the crowd use their cameras as flashlights, or find the flashbulbs of photographs to be stronger – to see the action.
Florida Man: BICKETY BAM BABY, I GOTZ IT.
A flash reveals that Florida Man is actually holding a copy of “Gentlemen’s Robust Hindquarters - Spring Catalogue.” That doesn’t count as a legally binding document. Trying to use the flash of light to see which pole he should be climbing, the Gator faced luchador turns just in time to eat a double dropkick from Daichi Endo and Kei Yamada.
Phillips: I’m having a hard time making out anything, but it seems like Ozawa’s stooges are going to town on the Florida Man.
Magnus: After what happened to the streaming division last time, I hope they aren’t biting off more than they can chew.
Daichi Endo: (“AAAAAAAAAAAAAH!”)*
*Translated from Japanese
Florida Man MAY have bitten one of the young lion’s arms clean off – its very hard to tell with this illumination. Some of the occasionally appearing flashes turn red, filtered through a stream of blood that is shooting out of the young man’s maimed appendage.
Phillips: That is going to be a lawsuit.
Magnus: I see nothing.
“This primitive planet has no way of defending itself against the alien species.”
Magnus: Who was that?
Phillips: I can only catch a few of the curves... but if my photographic memory for measurements doesn’t deceive me... Trekker is in the crowd, and she’s asking the audience for parts to assemble a crystal cannon.
Magnus: The gorn’s one weakness!
Florida Man: I’m not a gorn!
Crowd: GREEDO SHOOT FIRST!
Magnus: GOD DAMN! (deep breathe) I didn’t know he was next to me.
Florida Man: Neither did I. Peace out bitches!
Apparently leaving the announce position, Florida Man returns to beating the crap out of an unconscious Endo and Yamada. Ozawa seems to be maybe climbing the post, but as a lifelong pencil pusher, has no upper body strength.
Phillips: Normally the Star Wars crowd would be pretty hostile to a Roddenberry devotee; fortunately with this darkness... they seem to be accepting her as one of their own.
Magnus: Well Star Wars is all about acceptance.
Phillips: That’s Star Trek.
Magnus: So what does Star Wars preach?
Phillips: Promotes making out with your sister.
Magnus: Is that the takeaway for everyone or just you Tom?
Phillips: It’s the only message.
Just when it looks like Ozawa is about to grab the contract, Florida Man bites his ankle and drags him off the post. Essentially suplexing him into Yamada. Stacking the three bodies up on top of each other, Florida Man stands on them to improve his height. Still not tall enough. So he slides out of the ring, grabs a heavy fan dressed as Jabba the Hut – and body slams the poor guy on top of Ozawa and company. Florida Man stands on the four. Only they are in the middle of the ring, so he really had no chance of reaching ten feet above the far corner anyway. Still this doesn’t stop the Floridian from stomping up and down on the four like a trampoline. It’s kind of horrific.
“Do you have sulphur?”
Philips: I feel like all these costumes make it easier for Trekker to assemble a crystal cannon.
Magnus: She tried this crap in REIGN and got arrested – because making bombs is not wrestling.
Phillips: Will the same thing happen tonight?
Magnus: No chance of police involvement, the doors are all barric- er- we’re just generally cooler.
“Give Tau Lacertae IX my regards!!!”
With that, Trekker unleashes her crystal cannon on the ring!
The whole arena lights up!
Fortunately, she couldn’t see well enough to aim – and misses Florida Man completely, instead hitting the pole that the contract is attached too.
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
Magnus: NOoooo!
The giant explosion causes the pole to break, falling forward to the canvas. Still jumping up and down like a toddler on a pop rocks high, Florida Man slips in blood, landing on the contract.
The house lights come up, as Venom is clearly a slightly more responsible management figure than Magnus – and wants to assess the damage of the blast.
Magnus: Don’t do that, he’s going to know we’re in here!
Phillips: Who are you talking too? And who are you hiding from?
DING! DING! DING!
Sylvia Starr: The winner of this match... and now the proud owner of only a SINGLE J-RoK contract, FLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORIDA MAAAAAAAAAAN!
Florida Man: CRYSTAL METH FOR EVERYONE!
Crowd: FLORIDA MAN! FLORIDA MAN!
Eating the contract, Florida Man does a little happy dance on Ozawa, the young lions & cosplay Jabba’s bloody corpses. Trekker goes back to finding materials for a second shot, but with the lights revealing her uniform even the dumbest of Rebel Alliance members know she isn’t to be trusted.
Phillips: Without that second extremely restrictive contract hanging over his head, Florida Man is going to be a real menace to new acting head Nausicaä and the rest of the XHF’s Japanese crew.
Magnus: ...Maybe he already left?
Phillips: No, Florida Man still has his original contract with them. Wait, are you even listening?
Magnus: Yes, I am. I don’t hear a thing. I think he drove off before the explosion. Clearly somebody up there likes me-
KNOCK.
KNOCK.
KNOCK.
It is really impressive that a knock on the front door can echo throughout the arena.
Magnus: ...fuck.
Phillips: What’s going on?
Magnus: Venom – get BEEF to reinforce the barricades!
Phillips: Should we be concerned?
Magnus: No! What? Huh! Concerned about what a great show this is- lets have security take that toothy menace out of the ring, and get on to the next match!
Magnus is trembling.
We get a peak outside of the GUNS arena in Atlanta, GA. The sun is high in the sky as we are still in the early afternoon. There are limited cars outside as the show is a few hours away still. Suddenly the silence in the parking lot is shattered by a tiger’s roar. Into the parking lot drives in (at the speed limit, signaling all turns) the signature white and black tiger striped Volkswagen Beetle fans of CAR will recognize as La Tigre, the vehicle of the Punch Buggy, No Punch Back racing crew. A team known for their underdog status, and for hosting the darling of the End of Days scene, who went toe to toe with Zoran Sainovic and Hyperion and lived to tell the tale … the spawn’s spawn of the hated GUNS Rival fed matriarch … Brittney Beahr. There are none of her fan club here tonight as this appearance was a guarded secret meant to please the GUNS faithful with a blood bath for Magnus’s amusement. As the car parks we are treated to the passenger door swinging open with a kick and a full brown bear mascot outfit (sans the head, which is in her hands) Brittney dives from the car. In her haste she accidentally kicks the switches and the punch buggy’s punch fires off, putting a rather large dent into a nearby light post. It begins to creak and moan … surely that will fall on Zoran’s car when he arrives at the arena for his match later tonight … Occam’s Razor demands it to be so!
"This must be the place, there is advertisement for bears all over the parking lot. Abby, let’s get inside … I need to get something in my stomach after that dreadful trip over here. I wonder if they have cub sized snacks at the concession.
Abby emerges from the driver seat in her more modest polar bear cosplay. She carries a bag of marshmallows as she pops one in her mouth.
"Chubby Bunny"
"Hey! Save those for the ice breakers! It’s been a long time since we’ve been to a furry con in Georgia, who knows if anyone we know will even be here. Do you find it odd that Memaw actually let us go to a convention this close to the next race?"
Abby shrugs and swallows her marshmallow.
"She is being supportive. Can we try to be excited before worrying about ulterior motives?"
"But I AM excited! It has been so long since we’ve been among our people. Let’s get inside."
They enter the arena.
NOW:
We open our scene on a collection of GUNS related bear and bear adjacent faces. It looks like in order to seal the deal, Magnus had to barter with Memaw and actually put on a miniature bear convention to keep Brittney unaware. As the girls enter one of the larger areas, usually set up for catering and gathering as a group, they are hit by the sight of a cavalcade of GUNS and XHF ursine regulars! They are greeted by two “animatronic” bears recognizable as the actual bear shaped bodies of Mecha-Goldbear IV.5 and his new buddy Mecha Pagnus I.5.
MGB4.5: Greetings, honored guest. Algorithms determine a 98% chance of jollity, please commence the hugging!
MP1.5: Query: Where can this unit acquire some bamboo?
"Oh how delightful! Well this is certainly higher budget than Bear-Con Boone 2019!"
"These are higher quality animatronics than the last time we saw them. Much improved."
As the ladies begin to giggle with delight, they move in and catch an image of Freddy Fazbear standing at the buffet loading up on finger sandwiches until he trips and falls and his head falls off revealing the XHF Shockmaster.
XHF Shockmaster: Oops. My sandwiches. Oh, my head! Gotta keep this on to get paid this week.
Po, the Kung Fu Panda: I don’t see how this is going to get me my hands on Redmond Fury! But if this is how it is to be done … then I suppose … Squadoosh.
The sight of Colossus Rhodes tearing through his Po, the Kung Fu Panda costume delights the girls. Who knew the furry con had attracted such a diverse group of people of all sizes! Brittney soon is accosted by three of her biggest fans, the costumed figures from the previous Star Wars Day special: Itchy Bum Bear, Paula Deen Bear, and Lumpy McFarts … who we are told are not ACTUALLY related to Goldbear II in any way shape or form.
"This is stretching the definition of ‘bear’"
"But these are such top notch costumes! And they love us! It’s so nice to see a group of CARnies here. Hey why aren’t they getting excited over us?"
She points at a group of twelve very large hairy men.
"I don’t think they’re fans of us in particular."
LumBEARjack 1: We’re waiting for Magnus, he promised to come clubbing with us.
"Aww, it’s good to have friends."
The girls begin to build plates of catering as some other random mosler-made bears begin to stroll around and everyone talks and compliments the quality of the fur suits they each wear. We see Yogi Bear and Boo Boo, Smokey Bear, Paddington Bear, Gentle Ben, Baloo, Bungle, and Rupert.
"Oh, let’s go away from this area, I don’t like that one…"
They move away and are greeted by former classic XHF era guest star Bear Grylls!
"Well this is a surprise! I didn’t know you came to furry-cons!"
Bear Grylls: I’ll go anywhere if they pay me enough and let me drink my own urine to prove a point.
"That is most unwise…"
Bear Grylls: Nah it’s fine, glad to have some other XHF celebrities here! We asked Curtis Kanyon to show up but apparently Steve Awesome vetoed that to go on another BANG Bros adventure involving movies and toddlers and sentient napkins. Dreadvan never responded to our requests to be here. I think he still wants to get one over on our Bear Necessities Champ!
"Oooh is that a title for best costume? Abby I want to win that!"
Bear Grylls: Oh well, good news. You get your chance later! The champ is with his cohorts over there!
He points out Goldbear II sitting in the center of a circle of bears scratching his exposed twig and berries. As this is an h2f sponsored segment, there is a SIZABLE pixelation effect over them to save the kids from this exposure. But … we all know … The title sits over his ursine shoulders. Standing next to him and reading “The Grapes of Wrath” is Big Bad Bear. Triple B looks over at the girls and gives a nod of respect. Brittney waves. Sitting behind them and eating bamboo are Pagnus and Banjo, her son. One could swear in the shadowy corner of the room, almost out of view, was a man with a bear head mumbling and grumbling to himself … is that Goldbear? Playing with some bear animal enrichment are XHF’s resident TLB bears; a black bear, a sun bear, a grizzly bear, and a brown bear. And it seems a womanly bond has formed between Mrs. Goldbear II and UrsusLa as they sit together sharing some honey.
"Brittney … I think …"
Brittney brushes off her sister.
"Oh don’t worry, I got this. Hand me the marshmallows."
Abby hands Brittney the large bag of marshmallows as the girls walk closer to the bear. There is a moment of collective pause by the bears as their noses twitch. As one they turn to the girls.
Brittney smiles. She’s back in her element as a zoo keeper.
”I think someone remembers what marshmallows are! Who remembers lay down
The screen fades to black as the bears begin to move.
“HOOOOOOOOOOOOWL”
“All rise fore the king of all wolves now arrives.”
Sylvia Starr: Introducing first. He is the XHF Junior Heavyweight Champion, EL REY!
The voice of James Earl Mother Fucking Jones echos over the speakers. How did he get James Earl Jones to say that? It wasn’t a Cameo I’ll tell you that and it cost a pretty penny. Shortly after James Earl Jones speaks Big Sean’s “Wolves” begins to play. El Rey strolls onto the stage wearing the mask he stole off of the head of El Combatiente. He looks around soaking up their surroundings before ripping the mask off of his head and revealing his cocky smirk he inherited from his father. He strolls down the ramp ignoring the outstretched hands of the fans until he reaches the ring. At ringside he leaps up onto the apron and then over the ropes and spins around in the ring with his arms outstretched. He spins around a couple times and then moves to the corner waiting for the match to begin.
Magnus: It wasn’t easy but this young man again used his cunning and talent to retain the Junior Heavyweight Championship at the Rumble
Phillips: Yes he did, and I doubt he’s 100% which makes me wonder, why is he defending tonight.
Magnus: He asked for this match Tom. He may be an arrogant little prick, but he is not afraid of a fight.
Sylvia Starr: And his opponent, one member of Off the Wagon?
The lights drop down so that only the entranceway and the ring are illuminated as a deep, throaty, laugh not unlike that of Lemmy of Motorhead gargles over the PA system. However, just as soon as it started it is replaced by the treble-busting vocals of Freddy Mercury of Queen dropping a red hot ballad on y’all. Specifically, “Play the Game” by Queen. As the song persists, “The Mental Killer” Kris “Triple Quake” Quake and “The Corn Snake” Randy Angel- better known as Off the Wagon- walk out. Well, walk is being generous, Randy is stumbling drunk- still drinking from a flask- and Quake’s walk is more of a waddle since he appears to be trying to flex all several of his muscles at the same time. In Triple Quake’s right hand is a Stacker-2-based cocktail and in his left is a bottle of chewable vitamins. They slowly and sloppily make their way down to the ring. Upon entering it, Randy Angel goes up to a turnbuckle and throws up the referee sign for “field goal” and Quake goes to the apron. Suddenly we’re bathed in way too many strobe lights while Triple Quake pours the vitamins into his mouth and chews, then drowns them in the cocktail. If you think this is probably not healthy at all- don’t worry because he SPITS THEM OUT ALL OVER! It looks like vomit as he makes an angry face and flexes at the crowd but whatever, this match is gonna start soon!
Phillips: Both members of Off the Wagon are here, but since Quake faced El Rey already I assume Randy is the opponent tonight?
Magnus: That is right. The kid wanted to finish off Natural Selection before he inevitably faces Nelly. Unfortunately, Randy and Quake are coming off a huge win.
Phillips: That’s right. They’re our new XHF Tag Team Champions and you had a ring side seat for that match.
Magnus: I did, and they were fantastic. I owe them big for not letting Zoran take another title, but Randy is a tag team wrestler for a reason and El Rey will expose that tonight.
The ref calls for the bell and Kris Quake jumps on the ring apron and begins yelling at the ref. The ref looks his way and yells at him to get down while Randy approaches El Rey grinning. El Rey looks confused at his opponent as he approaches. Quake continues to try and get the refs attention, but the ref ignores him and watches as Randy walks right into the face of El Rey and gets nose to nose with the champ. Randy hears Quake yelling at the ref and assumes the ref is distracted and spits Super Sake into the eyes of the champion and then quickly rolls him up in a small package and the ref calls for the bell. Randy quickly shoots up to his feet and jumps around like a winner, but the ref points to his eyes and then to Randy and Randy realizes he was caught.
Sylvia Starr: Winner and STILL XHF Junior Heavyweight Champion and moving on in the GUNS Junior Heavyweight Gauntlet, El Rey
Phillips: Well that was terrible. The kid isn’t even old enough to drink!
Magnus: That’s true, but the easier win has to be a positive for him after the match at the Rumble.
The ref helps El Rey clear his face of the booze as Quake explains to Randy outside why the plan failed. While they exit we cut to Venom in his Darth Vader costume walking down the hall. He turns into his office and removes his helmet then gasps. Standing in his office is a full grown man dressed as a Jawa.
Darth Venom: Who are you and what are you doing in my office?
The Jawa removes his hood and standing before Venom is a man with his face wrapped in white bandages.
El Combatiente: He venido por mi máscara.
(I have come for my mask.)
Venom takes a long beat looking the masked man up and down.
Darth Venom: Oh, it’s you.
Venom walks passed the Lucha star and sits behind his desk.
Darth Venom: I could give you your mask back, but look at you. You still have bandages around your face and you’ve only been out of a coma for a couple weeks. You should just let me keep it, you know, until you’re ready.
El Combatiente walks to the desk and slams his fist down.
El Combatiente: Listo o no, quiero mi máscara. No dejaré que vuelvas a deshonr mi nombre. Prefiero que Steve Awesome use mi máscara que tú.
(Ready or not I want my mask. I will not let you disgrace my name again. I would rather Steve Awesome wear my mask than you.)
Venom gasps. What an insult! Who would ever pick Steve Awesome over him?
Darth Venom: That was hurtful. Doesn’t exactly make me want to hand over the mask.
El Combatiente: No me importa. ¡Dame la mascarilla!
(I don’t care. Give me the mask!)
Darth Venom: No. You’ll get it back when I think you’re ready. Now get out of my office before I call security.
El Combatiente slams his fist again and then takes a deep breath.
El Combatiente: Volveré y conseguiré mi mascarilla. De una forma u otra.
(I will be back, and I will get my mask. One way or another.)
With his final word El Combatiente pulls up his Jawa hood and turns on his heel and exits.
Phillips: Fans its time for our Phoenix championship to come home!
Magnus: Whelp, I’m going to go on a washroom break.
Phillips: You certainly seem distracted tonight.
Magnus: Leave me alone! It’s not like we have any skin in this game. Marty Donovan is MISTER Hardkore World, Dinosaur Bones apparently represents Dinosaur Bones... whatever that means... and Rip N Terror is apparently a CAR representative in a mask. Probably Bob the Immortal or that Professor Doof.
Phillips: IF anyone can fight off the barbarians at the gates, it’s the Buckeye Bruiser!
Magnus: Please- I’d rather see one of those other federations keep the title than my damn ex win it again.
Sylvia Starr: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN... THE FOLLOWING CONTEST IS A FOUR-WAY-DANCE FOR THE XHF PHOENIX CHAMPIONSHIP!
Crowd: We like titles POP!
Sylvia Starr: Introducing first... representing CAR by way of himself... DINOSAUR BONES!
Fireworks go off, as “Walk the Dinosaur” pumps over the PA system to a chorus of boos. Nothing. The fireworks go off again. More jeers. Still nothing...
Sylvia Starr: DINOSAUR BONES!
Again!
Sylvia Starr: Dinosaur Bones?
Nope.
Sylvia Starr: MOVING ON- coming to us from parts unknown-
Crowd (hiss): CAR!
Sylvia Starr: Please give a warm GUNS welcome to Mister Rip N Terror!
The masked three-foot menace pushes through the back curtains. Along with the usual mask, Tinto is also decked out in a Baby Yoda costume. He makes a mean face to let everyone know how tough he is.
Phillips: RNT charging down the aisle...
Magnus: But with his little legs, it’s taking forever!
Phillips: And how about that Dinosaur Bones no show?
Magnus: Yes, perhaps the brute couldn’t find a way in!
Phillips: Why would that be?
Magnus: Nevermind...
Sylvia Starr: And now- MISTER GUNS, THAT BUCKEYE BRUISER, REDMOND FURY!!!
Rick Derringer’s “Real American” brings the crowd to their feet. The back curtains fly open as “The Buckeye Bruiser” Redmond Fury makes his way out on a Harley. His wheels have been fitted to look like the Millennium Falcon, while Fury himself is decked out in a Luke Skywalker ensemble. The motorcycle charges down the aisle, as the audience lose their shit, chanting for Mister Guns. Even Mister Rip N Terror looks like he wants to ask for an autograph, but stays in character and grits his baby teeth.
Phillips: The longest reigning Phoenix champion in the history of the Network, not even getting eaten by a bear could stop him from defending. Redmond Fury had the belt stolen from him at Night of Champions by Vile “Vince” Viper – and was given bad enough injuries that he’s been unable to go after it. Could tonight be his night?
Magnus: God I hope not.
Sylvia Starr: And the champion... standing at 6 feet, and weighing 218 pounds, he comes to us from the Magic Kingdom, Orlando, Florida- please give a warm GUNS salute to our Phoenix champion...
DISNEY’S MARTY DONOVAN!
“When you wish upon a star” begins to play over the PA system, as Marty Donovan steps out of the back, in the iconic white of A New Hope’s Luke Skywalker. The crowd let the Hardkore World and CAR superstar know just what they think about outsider’s winning their belts. ...they are against.
Phillips: Tough crowd.
Magnus: Clearly fans of the prequel trilogy.
Phillips: Disney’s Marty seems pleased with the RIP’s Yoda get-up, but less so with our Han.
Magnus: Copyright infringement? I’d like to see that stand up in court.
Phillips: Actually it might.
Magnus: oh no.
Marty, Redmond, and RIP stand in the ring.
“TO ME YOU, LOOK MORE LIKE CHEWY!”
Commenting on the hairiness of apes, Dinosaur Bones charges out of the back.
Marty Donovan (to Fury): Look, I don’t like you and you don’t like me... but for the child’s sake, we need to put that beast down.
Redmond Fury (nodding): Agreed.
Mister GUNS and Disney’s Own strike heroic poses worthy of a buddy cop flick, waiting for the murderous dracolich to come down the aisle. Oblivious to them trying to help him, or the match not having started yet, RIP kicks the two men in the ankle. Fortunately he’s very small, so they don’t notice.
Before making his way to the ring, Dinosaur Bones notices a fan dressed as Princess Leia.
Dinosaur Bones: “YOU’RE QUITE A DISH.”
He means that literally, so jumps the guardrail and starts chasing his terrified prey into the crowd. Referee Chip Lebrock gives the undead lizard a ten count to get to the ring: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!
Sylvia Starr: DINOSAUR BONES HAS BEEN ELIMINATED!
Phillips: Bones counted out. The former two-time champion unable to tie the three time record held by TripleV... and Goldberg?
Magnus: Different times.
Threat to RIP no longer in the match, Marty and Redmond turn back to one another. Feeling like they are on the same page to put Tinto first, Marty winks at Fury – seems to mouth something, then begins to sell for Tinto – who has been punching his leg this whole time.
Marty Donovan: Oh! Aw! Aw! You’re so strong!
Flair flopping all over the place for the seven-year-old’s mighty fists, Marty has to watch how far he flies because it’s hard for RIP to keep up. Seeing the child getting sleepy, Marty finally lays flat on the canvas.
Marty Donovan: OH NO MISTER RIP N TERROR – don’t pin me before Fury has a chance to break the fall.
Redmond Fury: That is exactly what I’m going to do-
Mister RIP N TERROR: I'm very fast!
The Buckeye Bruiser slowly moves towards them, then slows it down further to keep up this play fight. Excited, RIP falls over, then recovers, and jumps on Donovan.
Phillips: I’m going to call that a... crossbody block?
Magnus: Sure.
Phillips: The champion down, and there’s the pin-
ONE!
TWO!!
THREE!!!
Sylvia Starr: Disney’s Marty Donovan has been eliminated!
Mister RIP N TERROR: YAY!
Phillips: RIP DOES IT! The champ is out – now, no matter who wins, we’re going to have a new champion! Given him hell, Fury!
Marty Donovan: OH NO, RIP you beat me!
Over excited RIP continues to throw punches at Marty, clearly unaware of how the match works.
Marty Donovan: Now go pin Fury, (pointing) you can do it!
Mister RIP N TEAR: I will!
Shaking with excitement, the energetic tyke charges towards Fury. Marty winks again at the wall of muscle, who is clearly on the same page for giving this child a feel good moment. Pleased with his selfless plan coming together, Marty climbs the turnbuckle to work the crowd.
Phillips: MISTER RIP N TERROR SHOOTS IN FOR A-
Magnus: COME ON!
Phillips: Fury carefully picking the child up, gently laying him on the canvas, and putting one strong hand on his chest.
ONE!
TWO!
THREE!
Sylvia Starr: MISTER RIP N TERROR HAS BEEN ELIMINATED! SO YOUR WINNER OF THIS MATCH, AND NEW PHOENIX CHAMPION- MISTER GUNS- REDMOND FURY!!!
The announcement causes Marty to turn back around in horror.
Magnus: Beating a child, what a heel!
Phillips: HE did it; he did it- REDMOND FURY FINALLY RECLAIMED THE PHOENIX CHAMPIONSHIP FOR GUNS!
Mister Rip N Terror is crying. Livid, Marty charges across the ring and shoves Fury, which would be way more effective if the new champion wasn’t build like a brick house.
Marty Donovan: What the heck dude, I thought we were on the same page!
Redmond Fury: It pained me to beat RIP, but after outside threats from HKW, CAR, and DB... The Phoenix has finally come home to GUNS!
The crowd are electric alternating chants of “FURY” and “GUNS.”
Marty Donovan: Don’t chant for him- beating children isn’t cool!
Phillips: Putting aside his own moral compass to get our belt back? Redmond Fury is the GREATEST HERO in the history of GUNS!
Magnus: Get a room!
Phillips: Wouldn’t want to make you jealous, Magnus! How did you ever let that magnificent man get away?
Magnus: I’m going to be sick.
As Fury poses for pictures, Marty shakes with rage. He isn’t the only one shaking.
Mister Rip N Terror: MISTER MARTY HOW COULD YOU?
RNT pulls off his mask to reveal-
Phillips: Oh my goodness, Mister Rip N Terror was TINTO ALL ALONG!
Magnus: Was that actually a secret?
Marty Donovan: Tinto- I tried-
Tinto: I used all my energy beating you in that match of the year, Mister Marty, and I had no energy left to handle the big gorilla. You’ve cost me the title... again!
Having a temper tantrum, Tinto runs away from the ring.
Marty Donovan: Tinto- wait!
The man who thought so little of the Phoenix title that he tried to give it to a child like a toy, also heads towards the exit.
Magnus: Oh no, we have to stop them-
*BUMP*
Exiting out of the arena into the backstage area, Tinto comes up to a side door. Only to find it heavily chained, and barricaded with office furniture – like a zombie siege flick.
Marty Donovan: Tinto, it’s not like that-
Tinto: Save it Mister Marty, and help me get out of here.
The child starts pulling down the barricade. By taking shelves out of a desk.
Magnus (winded): HANG ON! Now... personally... I’ll be happy to see you outsiders leave GUNS and never come back. ...But you have to wait till the end of the show.
Marty Donovan: I wouldn’t be caught dead waiting another minute in this dive.
Magnus (pointing): Zoran is in the parking lot; he is in a bad mood and has a lot of knives.
Marty Donovan: I fear no man!
Tinto: Mister Zoran is my favourite Disney princess AND Paramount Mascot!
Marty Donovan (rolling up Luke sleeves): Let me at him-
CRASH
KRACK
THUNK
SMASH
Before Marty can defend the honour of Disney Princesses everywhere, and one up the old knife-wielding maniac in front of his occasional ward – a series of blood curdling noises are heard on the other side of the door.
Magnus: See?
Marty Donovan: That doesn't scare me. ...But I do worry for the child. Hey Tinto, let’s go to the concession stand, I’ll buy you an ice cream and we can plot ways for you to beat that musclehead for the title.
Tinto: But Mister Zoran might need my help.
Grabbing the little boy by the hand, Marty marches him away from the scary destruction symphony.
Back in the ring, the fans continue to scream their lungs out for a celebrating Fury.
Redmond Fury (holding up the Phoenix title): You know, I heard the global shows calling this the darkest timeline- but from where I'm standing the XHF has never shined brighter. Folks will always tell you that this is the worst its ever been... but people always find a way to survive, and thrive. Just like the Phoenix, tear us down, and will come back on fire! No matter what the Network throws at us, I know that GUNS Nation will stand tall to-
The audience's voices are so hoarse for the cheering; that they can’t even yelp “LOOK OUT!”
Phillips: Look out!
Having finally finished off the Carrie Fisher early 80s lookalike, Dinosaur Bones hits the ring, ready for the match that is already over. Lumbering up behind the new champion, Fury never sees the beast coming until its razor sharp teeth have torn into his abdomen.
Phillips: Could Redmond Fury once again be eaten?
Yes, will the Phoenix title be going to the greener grasses of DB?
Dinosaur Bones: *MUMBLE* (mouth is full)
Phillips: No, Bones spits our hero out. Then bites him again- Fury damn near cut in half! I can see bone!
A few dozen security hit the ring to try to keep the Dread Lord in line. They don’t so much subdue him, as offer other tasty morsels. So Bones is lured away from the bloody mess that is Fury by a string of security guards that look like the yellow power pellets in Pac-man.
Magnus: This looks like a good time for a match-
Phillips: Magnus, what are you doing?
Magnus: What, Fury has been asking for this contest since the season began; it’s only fair I reward him for returning the belt-
Phillips: Don’t-
BEEF enters the ring, and brings a sledgehammer down across Fury’s bloody back. Whatever security aren’t being eaten by Bones, are desperately trying to hold the crowd back, who all want to jump to their child beating heroes’ aid.
Magnus (microphone): You asked for it Red, so here you go! You can defend the strap tonight in your long awaited contest with BEEEEEEEEEEEEF!
Beef brings the sledgehammer down again, and again. When referee Chip Lebrock threatens to disqualify him, Beef simply responds with a pin.
ONE!
TWO!
THREE-kickout!
Monster pop! Fury is still in this!
No, Beef just beats him a few more times with the sledgehammer. Chip’s requests for a clean match get him threatened with a pink slip by Magnus. When Fury looks less like beef and more like hamburger, BEEF again makes the cover... this time with his feet on the ropes to add further insult to injury.
ONE!
TWO!
THREE!
DING! DING! DING!
Sylvia Starr: ...call it yourself.
Magnus: With pleasure, THE WINNER OF THIS MATCH, AND NEW XHF PHOENIX CHAMPION, BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEF!
The ring starts to fill up with garbage, as the audience let GUNS management know just how they feel about this “title match.”
Magnus: That’s right, Red. Oh you might have rescued the title from Hardkore World, CAR, and DB- but Mister Guns? Don’t make me laugh. If Ascension had come back last month, you’d be packing your bags for Bethsaida. No, there is only ONE MAN I can count on to never leave us for another federation- BEEF!
BEEF poses with the strap, as more garbage is flung in the ring.
Phillips: After that epic match in which Redmond Fury defended GUNS honour against not one but THREE rival federations, the owner and BEEF once again turning the Phoenix division into a joke. This just makes me sick! It's outrageous. BEEF seems pleased with himself. Redmond clearly in need of medical attention - can we get some paramedics out here?
The lights dim in the arena.
Sylvia Starr:The following bout is a tag-team match for the GUNS Gentlemen’s Doubles Championship! Introducing first…
In resplendent tennis whites come Boris Becker and Novak Djokovic complete with all ten Wimbledon trophies laden across them. Somehow they manage to balance the titles whilst gamely swinging their tennis racquets with forehands and backhands alike.
Sylvia Starr: …the team of Boris Becker and Novak Djokovic….THE DROP SHOT DUO!
They are assisted into the ring by the ring crew taking their Wimbledon trophies away to be smelted…uh, for safekeeping.
Sylvia Starr: And their opponents…
A countdown to ignition is accompanied by horns as the lights drop. As they hit one, a fart noise echoes around the arena until the 1993 UK Christmas No.1 'Mr Blobby' by Mr Blobby resonates across the venue.
Stepping out from behind the curtain, Noel Edmonds and Mr Blobby emerge to a mixed reaction. Noel Edmonds wears tracksuit bottoms and a flowery Dad shirt. Mr Blobby, in contrast, comes out au naturel except for a set of ear guards that make him look like Rick Steiner was smashed together with a blancmange.
Sylvia Starr: The current GUNS Gentlemen’s Doubles Champions…Noel Edmonds and MR BLOBBY…THE CRINKLY BOTTOM BOYS!!
As they walk down the aisle, Noel Edmonds looks focused or maybe just irritated at how his career turned out. Mr Blobby follows him, he snaps open a Sherbert dib-dab and snorts it before dropping the wrapper on the floor. Edmonds leans into the aisle camera.
Noel Edmonds: We’re going to the Coronation, baby!
Blobby however, has got distracted, silly Blobby! He's handing out his hotel room number to a gaggle of 5 out of 10s who came with their children to the event! Edmonds looks behind to see his partner not focusing on the match and grabs an ear guard to pull him down the aisle to the ring. He points towards the ring and watches as Blobby looks to roll under the ropes but finds he is simply too large to fit. The Pink and Yellow Peril realises his mistake and stands up and shakes his head before leapfrogging the top rope.
Edmonds rolls under the bottom rope and rips off his trackies and Dad shirt to reveal a wrestling singlet that is patterned with boxes from Deal or No Deal. Edmonds signals for a microphone.
Noel Edmonds: Before this farce gets underway…we will not be putting our belts up tonight. Not for this tax-dodging philanderer!!
Boris Becker: But I am bankrupt…I need ze money! I can’t even make a living as a Zoran eem-perzonator!
Noel Edmonds: As for his partner? He’s the reason we’re throwing the match out. He’s not even vaccinated!!!
Novak Djokovic: I am not antivax. I just think that we should support the freedom to choose what goes in our body!
Edmonds considers this for a second before passing a pamphlet on COVID-19 across.
Noel Edmonds: Read this then…
Djokovic starts to read the pamphlet.
Noel Edmonds: RING THE BELL!!
DING! DING! DING!
Boris Becker: Novak, ze match!
Noel Edmonds gets closer to his opponent as Blobby steps out of the ring.
Novak Djokovic: But this is really interesting…and flawed…
Edmonds gets the roll-up…
ONE!
TWO…
Novak Djokovic: See, they know they’ve rushed the vacci-
THREE!
Boris Becker: Scheisse! Zis is worse than knocking up my mistress in a restaurant closet!
Sylvia Starr: The winners of this match AND STILL the GUNS Gentlemen’s Doubles Champions….THE CRINKLY BOTTOM BOYS!!!
Phillips: How much do you pay them?
Magnus: Too much and they’re set to take on Off the Wagon for the XHF Tag Team titles at our next show!
Phillips: Those belts aren’t coming to us…
Magnus: Probably not…oh what now.
The lights dim, blue and gold spotlights slowly circle around the darkened arena. The haunting vocal intro to “The Hard Sell” by Coheed and Cambria plays. The tron has come to life when the lights dimmed and displays "And now … THE XHF NETWORK presents … its MAIN ATTRACTION!" A foot shatters the screen as the guitar rocks the arena. DT slowly walks into a blue spotlight on the stage with his head down hidden under a hoodie. It's black and has his custom interlocking DT logo with an Italian flag and mariners compass on it on the back. He stands in the spotlight and slowly looks up showing off his signature bowler hat and sunglasses under the hood.
"I'm paranoid and sick of this world's misconception of things I did. My language poured across this wrist in a metaphoric disaster.
My guess, I'm missing out the punch line, unless this hanging noose is fitted to be all mine..."
He slowly pushes the hood back revealing a serious face as he lowers his sunglasses before pulling them off and placing them in his hoodie pocket as he gazes around the cozy arena. The spotlights turn into one tracking light following him to the ring as he high fives the fans along the entryway.
Silvia Starr: Making his way to the ring, hailing from the emerald city of Seattle, Washington, standing at 6'4" and weighing in at 260 pounds, he is the Master of the Dragon Sleeper … one half of the longest reigning former XHF Global Tag Team Champions, Top of the Class … “The Main Attraction” ... DEATH TRAP!
"I stood by everything I loved, while you never understood me much. Cuz there's only ONE of ME and TOO MANY of YOU fighting over nothing. There's never enough cool for everyone, and before you know it? You're selling out to be in."
He unzips the hoodie as he moves towards the ring and drops the hoddie to the floor as he reaches the ring steps. He stops on the ring steps to look out at the crowd. He climbs to the apron and spins, hooking his arms over the top rope. A blue spotlight illuminates DT in the ring as the crowd erupts for the XHF Legend. The Xtremetron shows “Top of the Class, Cream of the Crop.” He points out to the crowd and amps them up before stepping through the middle rope and running to the opposite side, grasping the top rope as he steps onto the bottom rope and points out at the crowd again. He steps to the center of the ring and is tossed a microphone.
Magnus: Oh boy, now this boy scout is here to waste our time. What a lout. YOUR HAT IS DUMB AND SO ARE YOU!
Phillips: That seems unnecessary, Magnu-
Magnus: IT'S VERY NECESSARY!
Death Trap: Before we start these ... "festivities" ... I have something to say. Bloodied Fox!
The crowd hushes at that...
Magnus: Oh no, he is not going to antagonize our new violent X*Crown champ!
Phillips: Seems you should start putting these clauses in the guest contracts you sign.
Magnus: ZORAN TRICKED VENOM INTO SIGNING THIS ONE! Venom figures they'll kill each other...
Phillips: Where is Zor-
Magnus: DON'T SAY THE NAME! I ALREADY REGRET IT!
A faint knocking is heard echoing through the arena.
Death Trap: Fox ... congratulations. You are the champion. And were it any other time in your illustrious career I'd be saying how you earned it and deserve it. And while you certainly deserve a reign with that title ... the circumstances are a bit suspect aren't they? See while up until recently I'd be praising the amazing new champ and his wealth of skill and amazing abilities. All of which ... are still true.
He pauses and takes a deep breath.
Death Trap: You are not the man you once were. I realize I shot myself in the foot by eliminating ZOran to save his ass. But... I still think you can be saved. I think you are deserving of a chance at redemption. I believe the good man you TRULY are is in there, he's just being taken advantage of by other forces. BUT WAIT! I am no fool, don't bother coming down. I didn't come here to fight you ... yet. And I am not stupid enough to come here alone. I have my team in the back.
Mistress Discipline and Dr. Chaos arrive on the stage and stand there. Discipline is in her wrestling gear, waiting for a chance to defend her man. Chaos has ... a long barreled rifle?
Magnus: SHIT! GUNS AT GUNS!
Phillips: I mean with all the knives around I'm shocked it took this long...
Dr. Chaos: It's a tranquilizer gun but it's packing elephant rounds! If that albino version of our dear CAR Lordling or his beefy side of meat try to hurt our teammate ... they take a nap for the next week!
Death Trap: So Fox here's the deal. You hold onto that title. You keep it safe. You enjoy the reign so you can have fond memories of being on top when you eventually come to your senses. But know this. ... I ... am coming ... for my title. Had I not had a pang of conscience and decided to foolishly save the devil himself, I'd have taken Dylan out while you murdered him. And I'd have taken you out before you knew I was there. As far as I'm concerned ... I'm the uncrowned champion but for my own heart. So rest assured ... I will be finding a way to Night of Champions ... and taking you down. You BEST be keeping that title until then, because I want you to know that I beat YOU.
DT turns to Magnus.
Death Trap: Now ... where is my opponent for this evening?
Magnus: Hmm? Opponent? I don't see you on the card for tonight. This is a Star Wars celebration and you are more of a Babylon 5 guy.
Death Trap: ... I've never seen that show. Where's Zor-
Magnus: I'm sorry I don't know anyone by that name, certainly not on our roster. Your services aren't required! Thanks and bye! Kill his mic.
Death Trap: Magnus you son of a-
His mic cuts out and DT looks furious. He decides to flip Magnus off and just roll out of the ring as the crowd cheers for him. He meets up with his manager and wife and they exit the stage area before a certain violent X*Crown champ comes out to ambush him with numbers. Once they’re clear we find only Magnus standing in the ring with a mic in hand.
Magnus: This weekend at the Rumble the X*Crown stayed with GUNS when Bloodied Fox outlasted everyone. He, though, wasn’t the only one who put on a display representing GUNS. I’d like to ask the XHF’s Iron Man to come to the ring right now, BEEEEEF!
The echoing “BEEEEEEEEF” rings out over the sound system as BEEF hits the stage with an echoing jump. He poses for the crow before walking down the ramp. BEEF, stares down the match official as he makes his way to the ring before leaping onto the ring apron and entering the ring.
Magnus: Thank you BEEF for joining me tonight, and thank you for everything you’ve done to represent GUNS the right way. I wanted to get you a present. I know earlier I helped you get the Phoenix Championship, but that just didn’t feel like enough. So I called a few connections and got you another title match and a chance at some revenge for one of the men who tossed you from the Rumble.
BEEF smiles as the house lights go out as the crowd begins to buzz.
Top, to the top, ain't never gonna stop
To the top, to the top, ain't never gonna stop
Pyro explodes as the chorus of "Legendary" by Skillet begins to play and the crowd erupts into cheers and chants begin to break out of "Icons", "Diamond Club", and "D-T-F".
Jack Diamond emerges on the stage with a huge grin on his face, nodding his head to the beat of the music. He adjusts his leather jacket and soaks in the moment, around his waist the Tap Out Openweight Championship belt glimmers in the lights. He mouths the word "Legendary" and begins to make his way to the ring acknowledging the fans as only Jack Diamond can do. As he gets to the ring, he climbs the stairs and walks the apron over to the far turnbuckle. He ascends the outside of the corner, removes his belt and holds it high over his head, playing to the crowd as more pyro goes off.
Oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh
Oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh, legendary
Jack jumps down into the ring and heads to the center before raising his belt up with both hands, above his head loud cheers. Jack removes his leather jacket and hands it and the title over to the timekeeper before heading to his corner and stretching and preparing for the match.
Phillips: Welcome back Magnus, you weren’t joking, this is a real coup.
Magnus: What?
Phillips: You were right, this is a main event worthy of any show.
Magnus: This? Nah, this is something I through together at the last minute. The main event will be much bigger.
Phillips: Bigger than a two time X*Crown Champion and a rival companies top title?
Magnus: Yeah.
Phillips: Wow.
The match official calls for the bell as we get underway!
DING! DING! DING!
Diamond keeps to his corner, taking a moment to decide on his strategy. He starts to slowly walk out but BEEF rushes at him with a huge running back-elbow but the Icon ducks it!
Phillips: BEEF’s eager to make a mark in this one!
Magnus: We both know he should have won the Rumble but for cowards ganging up on him!
The Tap Out Openweight Champion throws a knife-edge chop and follows it up with a stiff kick to the chest. Once more with the chop and kick combination but Magnus’ Mentee doesn’t budge.
Phillips: Diamond finding out just what an immovable object BEEF is!
Magnus: Exactly! HE should have the X*Crown title! But he beats Diamond tonight, Tap Out folds out of embarassment and then Fox will fall before BEEF!
Jack grabs the head of the Georgian GUNSlinger and throws a HUGE European Uppercut that seemingly teeters BEEF!
Phillips: Diamond’s not finding much joy with his initial plan…
Crowd: LET’S GO DIAMOND! *CLAP* *CLAP* *CLAPCLAPCLAP* LET’S GO DIAMOND! *CLAP* *CLAP* *CLAPCLAPCLAP* LET’S GO DIAMOND! *CLAP* *CLAP* *CLAPCLAPCLAP*
Grabbing the head once more, another European Uppercut connects AND ONE FOOT COMES OFF THE FLOOR!!
Magnus: Jack’s got nothing…
Diamond rushes to the corner before charging, he spins…
Phillips: This could be something he-
BEEF CUTS HIM OFF WITH A SPINNING HEEL KICK!!
Magnus: HE DECAPITATED HIM!!
The crowd noise is reduced to nothing with that kick.
Phillips: He killed the crowd!
Magnus: This is just an appetizer for the real main-event!
Picking up Diamond by the hair, BEEF throws the Champion INTO THE RING POST!!
Phillips: A sickening thud as flesh and bone meet unforgiving steel! He hit that harder than I hit DMs!
The cameras pick up the pained expression on the face of the Icon, his shoulder still against the post.
Magnus: Give up now, Jack! Just lay down and save yourself!
Methodically, BEEF peels Jack from the ringpost and hoists him up onto the top turnbuckle before WRENCHING DIAMOND BY HAIR HAIR INTO A TREE OF WOE!!
Phillips: Diamond finds himself in real trouble here…
Clubbing forearms begin the assault on the incapacitated Openweight Champion before BEEF retreats to the middle of the ring. CHARGING KNEE!!!
Magnus: He’s just picking him apart!
Unrelenting, Diamond’s beating continues, he heads back to the center of the ring…CANNONBALL SENTON TAKES DIAMOND OUT OF THE TREE OF WOE!! BEEF ROLLS BACKWARDS….BASEMENT DROPKICK TO THE FACE!!
Phillips: WHAT AGILITY!
Magnus: I told you he was robbed!
BEEF pulls Jack from the corner and covers…
ONE…
T-
KICKOUT!
Crowd: LET’S GO DIAMOND! *CLAPCLAPCLAP* LET’S GO DIAMOND! *CLAPCLAPCLAP* LET’S GO DIAMOND! *CLAPCLAPCLAP*
BEEF keeps the pressure on and lifts up Diamond who answers with a driven side-elbow to the ribs. The DTF Owner follows up with a kick to the ribs…and another…
Phillips: The Icon looking to rally…
A third kick lands but a fourth is caught….BEEF flips him backwards and dive forward with a Lariat but Diamond ducks and charges the ropes…SPRINGBOARD DDT!!
Phillips: Huge move from the Ace of Tap Out Wrestling!
Magnus: Unless he signs for GUNS!
Phillips: For now, no contract has been signed and his Plan B might be working out!
Magnus: He’ll be onto Plan T at this rate!
Jack steps through the ropes to the apron with purpose. He grabs the top-rope BUT BEEF CUTS HIM OFF WITH A RUNNING ELBOW! BEEF CHARGES THE ROPES….A HUGE SHOULDER BLOCK SENDS DIAMOND FROM THE APRON TO THE GUARDRAIL!!
Magnus: That’s Diamond stopped in his tracks!
Phillips: He found that guardrail like a dart to a bullseye!
BEEF isn’t finished, he sees the pained expression on Diamond’s face as he peels himself off the guardrail. He hits the ropes once more…
Magnus: Watch this…
TOPE THROUGH THE ROPES TAKES DIAMOND DOWN!!!!
Crowd: HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT!
The Match official starts the count:
ONE!
BEEF uses the guardrail to pick himself up and wrenches Diamond to his feet by his arm. HE IRISH WHIPS HIM INTO THE RING STEPS!!
Phillips: BEEF is unrelenting in his attack!
Magnus: BEEEFFF!
TWO!!
Diamond looks broken as he’s sprawled over what remains of the steps. BEEF drags him between his legs and lifts…
Phillips: Could this be an Apron Bomb?
DIAMOND PUSHES OFF THE SHOULDERS AND ESCAPES, SENDING HIS OPPONENT INTO THE APRON!!
Phillips: Diamond escapes at the last!
Magnus: Too much body lotion…
JACK LEAPS ONTO THE APRON…SHOTGUN DROPKICK CONNECTS TO THE FACE OF THE GUNS STAR!!
Phillips: He drives those feet through the skull of BEEF!
Using all of his strength, Jack pulls BEEF onto the apron and connects with a lifting knee that rocks BEEF….SLINGBLADE ON THE APRON!!
Phillips: SNAKE EYES!!!
The Tap Out Champion isn’t finished, he puts BEEF’s head between his legs…PULLING PILEDRIVER!!!
Phillips: HUGE PILEDRIVER!!
Diamond uses his feet to push his opponent into the ring and climbs in. He makes the cover…
ONE…
TWO…
BEEF PRESSES DIAMOND OFF HIM!!
Magnus: But is BEEF bothered? Look at that strength!
Getting to a knee, BEEF is unsighted..Step-up Enziguri from Diamond but it seems to only slow him. Jack hits the ropes and nails a Spinning Heel Kick to the now standing BEEF and rolls through…ICON KICK!
Phillips: HE GOT ALL OF THAT!
BEEF STILL KEEPS HIS BALANCE…JUST!
Magnus: BEEF is eating this up! Diamond’s going to run out of steam….
Jack goes to the apron…SPRINGBOARD CROSSBODY BLOCK AND ANOTHER COVER!
ONE…
TWO…
T-KICKOUT!!
Phillips: We’ve seen Diamond rally and fight to the death and tonight is no different.
Diamond charges to the ropes…Springboard Twisting Bodyblock…NO!!! BEEF NEARLY DECAPITATES HIM WITH A WESTERN LARIAT!!
Magnus: But THAT will stop him!
BEEF covers…
ONE…
TWO…
T-
DIAMOND GETS AN ARM UP!!
Phillips: Great heart from the Icon!
Not content with letting his opponent get to his feet before carrying on his attack, BEEF continues…STANDING MOONSAULT!...He rolls off of him…SHOOTING STAR PRESS!!
Magnus: What can Diamond do that BEEF can’t? He’s overmatched!
In an outstanding show of strength, BEEF hooks the head and legs of his opponent and rolls to his feet into a Torture Rack!
Phillips: We know where this is going…
BEEF bounces the prone body of his opponent against his shoulders, working the Rack well….SAMOAN DROP AND THE PIN!!!
ONE..
TWO…
THRE-
DIAMOND WEAKLY GETS AN ARM UP!!
Magnus: He’s battling against time here….
The crowd starts a methodical clap.
BEEF lifts up Diamond and an Irish Whip sends him to the ropes…BEEF ducks down…
Phillips: Back Body Drop incoming…
BLOCKBUSTER NECKBREAKER!!!
Phillips: NO! COUNTER from Jack!
Adrenaline driving him back to his feet, BEEF falls victim to a Rolling Boston Crab!!
Magnus: NO!
Phillips: Jack going to the ground to counter the freakish strength and agility of BEEF!
Jack has the hold locked in tight. Magnus’ Muscle gamely fights as he kicks his legs to try and free them but Diamond adjusts with the disturbance.
Phillips: That experience paying off as Jack continues to adjust the hold to keep Magnus at a loss.
Adjusting to try and get more leverage, Jack relents on the hold to stand and that’s all BEEF needs. He uses his power advantage to free a leg and kicks to the ropes!
Magnus: Now he’s got a problem!
The referee gives Diamond to five to break:
ONE!
TWO!
THREE!
FOUR!
Diamond lets the hold go and stands up with his hands raised to the referee.
Phillips: Never one to give up the advantage of the count, Diamond finally backs off.
Turning around, Diamond is blind to a huge Roaring Elbow that connects with his temple. BEEF sends him to the ropes…POP-UP POWERBO-NO!! DIAMOND COUNTERS TO A DROPKICK THAT SENDS BEEF INTO THE CORNER!
Phillips: The Icon turnining that escape into offense…
Jack charges in…ANOTHER DROPKICK DROPS BEEF TO THE MAT!!
Magnus: But he can’t win on a dropkick…not against BEEF.
Raising a hand, Diamond signals to the fans as he steps between the ropes and begins to climb the turnbuckles.
Phillips: What could we be seeing here?
Reaching the summit, Diamond raises both hands in the air…BEEF USES THE MIDDLE ROPE TO SWING HIS LEGS UP WITH A KICK THAT CROTCHES DIAMOND ON THE TOP TURNBUCKLE!
Phillips: Amazing agility stops the Jackpot Double Stomp!
Magnus: Just you wait…
In an amazing show of strength, BEEF flips out from the corner and onto the top-rope. He hooks an arm and brings Diamond to a standing position with him on the top turnbuckle…
Phillips: This doesn’t look good.
Magnus: Nope, it looks amazing…
AVALANCHE SUPLEX!!!!!!!
Crowd: THAT WAS AWESOME! *CLAP* *CLAP* *CLAPCLAPCLAP* THAT WAS AWESOME! *CLAP* *CLAP* *CLAPCLAPCLAP* THAT WAS AWESOME! *CLAP* *CLAP* *CLAPCLAPCLAP*
Both men look knocked out.
Phillips: WHAT. A. MOVE!
Magnus: That’s Diamond done…
BEEF rolls over and drapes an arm over Diamond.
ONE…
TWO…
THREE-
NO!! JACK’S ARM RISES TO TAUNT BEEF AND MAGNUS!
BEEF can hardly believe it. He shoots to his knees and slaps his hand three times to show the referee how to count!
Phillips: BEEF can’t believe it, the crowd can’t believe it a-
Magnus: AND I CAN’T BELIEVE IT!
Diamond tries to crawl to the ropes but BEEF’s there and he hooks his arms around him…Gutwrench Suplex. He rolls through and hits another Gutwrench Suplex…AND HE ROLLS AGAIN TO NAIL A THIRD ONE!!
Phillips: This could well be it…
BEEF lifts him to his feet..DIAMOND DROPS INTO A SIT-OUT JAWBREAKER….DIAMOND LEAPS FOR A CUTTER!!
Phillips: STACKED DECK!
Magnus: NO!
BEEF TURNS HIM FOR A BLUE THUNDER POWERBOMB BUT JACK MANAGES TO ESCAPE WITH A HEADSCISSORS TAKEDOWN!!
Phillips: Diamond not getting the finish but still remaining on top…
Springing forward, Jack grabs BEEF’s leg and twist around it.
Magnus: ROLL HIM UP!
As Jack throws his body back to increase the Figure-Four hold, BEEF stifles a scream of pain and begins to look for an escape.
Phillips: ACES WILD!
Diamond uses his neck to arch his body up, increasing the torque.
Phillips: That extra leverage is doing a lot of work.
Magnus: He’s not going to pin him and BEEF isn’t going to submit.
The referee asks BEEF if he wants to submit but gets a stern shake of the head in response.
Magnus: SEE!
Trying to change the tide, BEEF attempts to roll the hold over but the veteran manages to adjust the hold to negate the attempt.
Phillips: But he can’t get out of the hold…
Changing tact, BEEF sits up and starts to drag Diamond to the ropes.
Magnus: Yet.
Inching closer to the ropes, BEEF starts to smile. Diamond lifts a leg up before slamming it down to slow down the progress.
Phillips: Jack’s trying to shatter his shin!
Magnus: Exactly! We’ll have to train that out of him! Me and El Rey!
BEEF can almost touch the ropes, he pushes back one more time but Diamond drags him back!
Phillips: Agonizingly close for BEEF but the veteran shows why he’s a former X*Crown Champion!
Once more BEEF pushes back…HE MAKES THE ROPES. The referee starts the count:
Magnus: HE BROKE THE HOLD!
ONE!
TWO!
THREE!
FOUR!
Diamond relents and rolls to his feet.
Magnus: Now watch!
BEEF uses the ropes to get up and a slight buckle happens as he stands.
Phillips: That Figure-Four and the Boston Crab might well have served their purpose, BEEF’s leg buckled.
Magnus: I didn’t see that!
As he lets go of the ropes BEEF walks into AN ICON KICK!!!
Phillips: ICON KICK AND THIS TIME IT TAKES HIM OFF HIS FEET!
Dropped to his knees as he caught himself off-balance when he landed the strike. Diamond crawls to the turnbuckle and leaps to the top in one jump.
Magnus: He must have loaded his boot!
FOUR-FIFTY SPLASH!!!!
Magnus: SHUFFLED DECK!!
ONE…
TWO…
THR-
SOMEHOW BEEF KICKS OUT!!!
Magnus: COME ON!!
Jack shakes his head but uses the arm to hoist his opponent to his feet. He whips him into the corner.
Phillips: BEEF’s in trouble and Diamond knows it!
Diamond starts to stomp his feet as the crowd clap along.
*CLAP* *CLAP* *CLAP* *CLAP* CLAP* *CLAP*....
Magnus: He’s turning this place into a circus!
Phillips: Not even a bear in sight…
Jack looks at his opponent and starts to charge. He leaps…
Phillips: DIAMOND SPLASH!!
BEEF TAKES HIM DOWN WITH A WHIPLASH SPINEBUSTER!!!!!
Magnus: HE WAS PLAYING POSSUM!!!
The clap stops immediately.
Magnus can be heard enthusiastically applauding his charge.
Phillips: Will you stop that?!
BEEF pulls the broken Diamond between his legs and lifts.
Magnus: BEEEEEEF BOMB!
HE CHARGES TO THE TURNBUCKLE…
Phillips: BEEF could pull off a huge win…
DIAMOND DROPS DOWN THE BACK!!
Magnus: Body lotion again!!
Phillips: Or experience from a man who has wrestled all over the globe.
BEEF LIFTS HIM WITH AN INVERTED MILITARY PRESS….
Magnus: Watch for the Inverted Powerslam!
AGAIN JACK WIGGLES FREE…SHOTGUN DROPKICK INTO THE CORNER!!!
Phillips: EIGHTY-SIXED!!!
JACK GRABS A CRAVATE LOCK AND RUNS FROM THE TURNBUCKLE BEFORE RUNNING UP THEM…
Magnus: NO!!!!!
ACID DROP DIAMOND CUTTER!!!!!!
Phillips: MODIFIED STACKED DECK!!!!!!
Diamond covers weakly…
ONE…
TWO…
THREE!!!
DING! DING! DING!!
Sylvia Starr: Winner and STILL Tapout Openweight Champion, Jack Diamond.
Magnus: BEEF WAS ROBBED!
Phillips: Diamond retains somehow after defending just last night in SCCW!
Magnus: I can’t believe it.
Phillips: Ladies and Gentlemen, before we go any further into the show, we are contractually obligated to show this footage from after the XHF Rumble went off the air.
Magnus: You don’t have to be quite so bitter, Tom. Our new X*Crown Champion just had some things he wanted to say.
The feed switches to the Gillette Stadium back on the 30th of April, mere moments after Hawke and Randy signed off. The purple confetti settles as King Submaxiswear passes a microphone he’s purloined from somewhere to Bloodied Fox.
Fox: So, ready to be told that I told you so?
His already broad grin threatens to split his head in half as he soaks in the boos from the sellout crowd.
Fox: Tonight is the greatest moment of vindication in the history of the XHF! Not only have I finally taken my rightful place at the top of the mountain, but everything I said, everything I promised, has come to pass.
I told you that Zoran Sainovic’s supposed redemption was a crock of shit all along.
I told you that your scumbag heroes would lie broken at my feet.
I told you that I was too strong to be stopped once I stopped playing by rules that no-one else would follow.
Fox tilts his head back and spreads his arms wide as the boos intensify and garbage starts to pelt the ring, basking in the hatred.
Fox: This is just the beginning! Beg whoever you want to be your saviour, because they will fail. The Era of the Illuminati is here, and the light will burn away any ignorance to the terrible truth: today, you woke to the Reign of Blood.
Fox tosses the mic aside and lifts the custom X*Crown title belt of Dylan Black high as he, Submaxiswear, and SEIRIOS leave, security struggling to hold back the angry fans wanting to swarm them.
As we come back to the arena we find Magnus standing in the ring. A single spotlight is shone on him and the ring lights are dimmed. He clears his throat and looks around at the crowd.
Magnus: A few weeks ago I held a press conference to announce that I had reached a huge cross promotional deal that would eclipse any match ever put on by Zoran or Dylan. At the time we had not come to an agreement on a date. I’m here, alone in the ring, because I can now confirm that this match will happen NEXT!
Magnus lowers the mic as the crowd pop for the big main event, and then a hush overtakes the arena as everyone waits with bated breath waiting for the match announcement.
Magnus: I can officially confirm that tonight’s main event will be for the Bear Necessities Championship with our very own Goldbear II defending against…
Long pause for dramatic effect.
Magnus: CAR’s very own Brittney Beahr.
The crowd goes nuts and Magnus soaks in his successful announcement before rolling out of the ring and returning to the announce table. Now in the the ring for our main event the lesser of the Buffer brothers stands with mic in hand.
Buffer: It is now time for our Main Event of the evening. Already in the ring. He is the GUNS Bear Necessities Champion. He is GOOOOOOOOOLDBEAR TWOOOOOOO!
As if on cue, “The Teddy Bear’s Picnic” by Henry Hall and his Orchestra hits. Instead though of a bear-bedecked girl we’re treated to a tiger-striped VW Beetle driving onto the entrance ramp! The car horn roars (not beeps) at the people in attendance as it slowly drives down to the ring area. And there it sits.
Buffer: And now approaching the ring. Representing CAR. The darling of End of Days. BRIIIIIIITNEY BEEEEEEEEAHR!
As the music and announcements and cheers die down a muffled but continuous scream is now audible. The sound suddenly gets much louder as the passenger-side door of the car swings open and a foot violently pushes the bear-suited Brittney Beahr out. Before she can climb back up the door is already closed and the car retreats up the ramp. Brittney, having been left with no choice, slowly climbs into the ring.
Brittney looks the large bruin up and down and slowly moves in so as not to alert the large animal. Goldbear II seems interested in the small bear moving towards him and doesn’t attack. Instead, he locks eyes with Brittney and watches as she moves towards him, and then looks at his paw and starts licking sticky residue. Brittney gets within striking distance, but Goldbear II does not attack. No, he allows the small person in the bear suit to reach out and touch him on the chest. She reaches through the fur and begins to tickle(?) the giant grizzly and he falls over on his side. Brittney stays latched on and continues to move her hands around the chest of Goldbear II causing him to roll onto his back. The ref makes the count 1..2…NO, Goldbear II launches Brittney into the air.
Magnus: What the hell is going on here?
Phillips: It seems like he’s enjoying her company?
Magnus: He’s not supposed to do that! This is my big coo. This is my big main event! This is supposed to be a bloodbath!
Phillips: Someone should’ve told Goldbear II that.
Brittney comes falling back down and is going to splat right across Goldbear II’s chest, but the Grizzly catches her and then uses his arms and legs to juggle Brittney in the air like a ball. He tosses her up and catches her then repeats and all that can be heard through the arena is the laughing of Brittney. The fans seem confused at first then they too begin laughing. Laughing because it’s funny or because Magnus’ hyped up main event has turned into a circus side show we don’t know, but the laughing pauses and everyone gasps as Goldbear II launches Brittney high in the air. Brittney exclaims “weeee” as she soars up into the lights and disappears for a second before coming crashing back down. This time Goldbear II does not catch CAR’s Furry hero and she splats across Goldbear II’s chest with a huge splash. The ref counts 1…2…NO, Goldbear II rolls out.
Magnus: Come on Goldy, do something!
Phillips: He is doing something, he’s enjoying himself.
Magnus: Can’t he enjoy himself while winning? We can’t lose another title to CAR!
Goldbear II rolls over on top of Brittney. 1…2…NO! Goldbear II rolls over again now with Brittney on his chest still. 1…2…NO! He rolls again and Brittney is on the mat. 1…2…NO! The duo rolls again and Britney is back on top. 1…2…NO! Again they roll over. 1…2…3! Goldbear II rolls again but it’s too late.
Sylvia Starr: Winner and STILL Bear Neccessities Champion, Goldbear TWWWWWWWOOOOOOOOO
Magnus: Oh thank god. Now cut the feed. I can’t take any more of this.
Before the feed is cut Goldbear II stands up with Brittney still on his chest and sets her down. Brittney looks up at the giant Grizzly and smiles and leaps back onto him for a giant hug, and Goldbear II embraces her back.
Magnus: (Talking to production) Quick. Unlock all the doors and get the people out of here.
With that, Magnus climbs up on the announce table.
Magnus: What a great main event! I’m not saying this is the best star wars themed media ever made, but certainly top three. That is all folks! Thanks for coming-
As Magnus waves the crowd home, Death Trap confronts him.
Death Trap: What about my match with-
Magnus (leading the audience towards the front exit): Zoran never showed. How unprofessional can you get? Looks like he ribbed you...
Trying to put a few hundred fans between them and a curious Trap, Venom joins Magnus at the front of the exit line. The two are flanked by quite a bit of security.
Darth Venom: So we’re leaving with the crowd-
Magnus: Too many bodies for him to pick us out, just make a break for the vehicle-
Unlocking the chain on the front entrance, Magnus throws open the doors-
Magnus: JESUS CHRIST!
Darth Venom: Great, just great.
And almost stumbles to his death. If not for Venom’s fast reflexes grabbing Magnus by the collar, the GUNS owner would have plummeted into the giant hole where the entrance steps used to be. The parking lot has been replaced by a giant sinkhole, large enough to threaten the structural integrity of GUNS Arena.
“...I replaced ze explosives with harmless fireworks for your little Pokémon match. I didn’t want you gentlemen to zink I’d stolen your C4, so I put it to other use...”
A crane simulates hovering as a platform is dragged across the giant crevice towards the crowded edge that represents the Arena’s front door. Rather than bust out a Darth Vader costume, this Sith Lord prefers his black Armani suit.
Zoran Sainovic (taking a long drag on a Lucky 7): A Sarlacc pit!
Along with threatening to consume GUNS Arena, the walls of the giant pit are lined with sharp objects from barbwire to blades.
Magnus: YOU COULD HAVE KILLED ME!
Zoran Sainovic (another drag, exhaling on a bemused smirk): Oh we have plenty of time to settle accounts Magnus, Venom, no tonight- I’m here to play Star Wars with my boy.
Suddenly as Zoran is confronted with the entirety of the GUNS locker room, the crowd parts. We see a frightened bear mascot costume and a woman in polar bear cosplay crawling along the side of the building towards their white striped Tiger VW Beetle, which is on the other side of the precipice.
Zoran Sainovic: Accounts will be settled. (fiendish sneer) ...And if Copycat is any indication of Grandma Mary’s protection... I weep for her actual family tree.
From the middle of the crowd steps forward the apple of the XHF Devil's eye. Death Trap leaps the gap between the entrance and the platform. As Trap lands, the metal begins to move away – putting some distance between the two men and the army of GUNS superstars. Feet firmly on the rusted steel, Death Trap slowly walks up towards the Final Boss. He removes his oddly tight hat and drops it to the ground. He takes off his hoodie and t-shirt and walks right up to Zoran and gets close. Closer than MOST sane people would dare.
Death Trap: You son of a bitch ...
Zoran Sainovic: Zat's no way to discuss your grandmother.
DT holds up his hand and stops Zoran.
Death Trap: No no, we are beyond the playful banter here. You sick, sadistic bastard. What exactly did you gain by torturing yourself this whole time, huh? What was the end game? Why even bother acting nice? Or, better question ... did the kid even really exist? Or were they just actors you hired to later kill off when it fit your story. You know, the Dylan Anal-molly playbook? Is that poor kid six feet under?
Zoran Sainovic: Why is zat a note a jealousy, I’m detecting my boy?
Death Trap: I should have let Fox murder you. But I couldn't bring myself to a) let Fox commit an act from which there really is no recovery from and b) let myself believe anyone is beyond redemption. To think I actually trusted you wanting just a sporting competition ...
He looks at the pit ... he scoffs
Death Trap: I gave up my chance to be the champ, to win the rumble. I could have EASILY won that match had I let Fox burn his energy killing you. Dylan was already half dead. I gave up MY X*Crown ... to make sure you could keep breathing. And now I'm REALLY regretting the fact that I am so good to everyone. Fox is now feeling justified in his horrible decisions, and you get to threaten my friends and family again. Like you always do...
Chaos steps forward and pumps the tranquilizer gun she has on her body. Zoran raises an eyebrow in amusement as Mistress holds her scrappy manager back. DT looks over his shoulder, keeping one eye FIRMLY trained on the conniving Sainovic.
Death Trap: Chaos ... Mistress, get everyone else out of here safely. *cracking his knuckles* This mistake is one I intend to rectify. Zoran, you wanted some ... family bonding time? Fine. Fire up the cantina band ... I'm came here to fight, I intend to get my liter of blood...
Zoran Sainovic: Realistically you'll be needing much more zan one liter after zis, my boy.
Retreating back into the arena, Venom takes stars and fans to a back entrance that can avoid this pit. The crumbling doorway soon only has Magnus and Phillips remaining to bear witness to this bloodbath.
Magnus: YOU CAN DO IT, DEATH TRAP! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
Phillips: For your sake, he’d better!
Magnus: What does that mean?
Phillips: Just that on the laundry list of people that messed with Zoran when they thought he was helpless, you and Venom are pretty high on the violent reprisal list.
The two men ram into each other with haymakers, throwing left after right – but neither willing to give an inch. Even as noses and lips are bloodied, it’s almost like the two USE THE FORCE to keep that plasma from trickling. The platform, far more precariously designed than the previous one – shifts under their footsteps, wobbling in a way that threatens to send either man flying over the edge. To compensate for these near falls, while not giving an inch on the fisticuffs, the duo dance around like boxers.
Magnus: That reprisal list doesn’t make sense-
Phillips: Sure, it does. I’m like the only person who didn’t give Zoran shit since his goody two-shoe face began at End of Days, you all are screwed!
Magnus: Nah, Death Trap was relatively good to him- so no reason for this possible homicide to go down.
Zoran Sainovic (grinding a knuckle into Trap’s nose): I was really hurt when you didn’t invite me to your wedding.
Death Trap: Yeah, I guess I forgot to STAMP your invitation.
On STAMP, Trap grinds his foot down onto Sainovic’s ankle, throwing off his balance. More painful for Zoran is that Trap is getting in the Dad jokes. That’s his job! Nostrils flaring in rage, the Final Boss attempts to pluck out one of Trap’s eyeballs. Hooking the arm, Trap pulls him into a short-arm closeline – which almost sends the older man over the edge. Hanging onto the arm, Trap falls backwards with a Japanese armdrag which sends Sainovic airborne-
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Only Zoran catches a support chain in midair, and swings back down to the safety of the platform – snapping off a sidekick as he lands.
Magnus: DAMN IT!
Phillips: Trap almost taking Sainovic down! I can’t see the bottom of that pit, but from all the spikes, I imagine it’s a hell of a ride.
Magnus: The XHF has only seen one of these matches before... Sainovic beat Marty Donovan.
Phillips: So even losing one doesn’t get digested for a thousand years?
Magnus: Some say that Marty still is... he seems pretty chewed up about the loss.
#SMACK#
#SMACK#
#SMACK#
#SMACK#
#SMACK#
#SMACK#
From punching to kicks, the two men continue to strike away at one another. Every yakuza kick by Sainovic is met with a Kawada kick by Trap. The older man’s suit disguises the damage, but they probably match the same red welts that are forming on Trap’s chest. Sainovic rolls under a question mark kick, then bust out a Pressure Point which Trap leaps over- almost rolling off the edge. Both recovering quickly, they dive at one another with the BREAKDOWN and SICKLE SWING respective. Their shining wizard variations both connect HARD, leaving both men down.
Phillips: Extremely well matched-
Magnus: Well, these two have one another’s numbers. I think everyone expected them to eventually kill one another; it just got slowed down by one of them faking his own death, and the other joining holy tag team matrimony. ...But god willing they kill each other tonight!
Phillips: You know they can hear everything we’re saying right?
Magnus: GIVE HIM HELL, DEATH TRAP!
First up, Trap dives into Sainovic with a Muay Thai knee strike. Pulling the older man into a dragon sleeper, DT uses the hold to drag Zoran towards the edge of the structure. Angling the necklock so that Sainovic’s legs dangle over the edge.
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Phillips: Trap has him!
Magnus: I’ll create a GUNS world title JUST TO CELEBRATE!
Phillips: Sainovic almost off-
Reaching into his coat, Zoran produces a lightsaber. Maybe it couldn’t cut through a frozen Banta, but when Sainovic shatters the florescent light – the glass does cut deep enough to make Death Trap let go of the hold. Spinning, Zoran crawls back to the safety of the centre, stabbing Trap all the way. Refusing to acknowledge the blood, Trap punches Zoran hard enough in the hand to knock the weapon out. It lands on the edge of the platform. Sainovic leaps for his Star Wars themed shiv, but Trap focuses on a high roundhouse kick that looks to crush Zoran like a bug. Standing on Sainovic, Trap uses his free foot to kick the lightsaber off the side.
Phillips: Is it weird that I’ve missed Zoran stabbing people?
Magnus: It’s weird that it ever went away.
Phillips: Trap locking on a Seattle Stretch – not even trying for the elimination, just making him take the pain. Trap’s going to make Zoran pay for this latest betrayal!
Magnus: Break him in two!
Phillips: Now, if Zoran was faking all those injuries... then he basically threw that match to Fox, right?
Magnus: I’m trying not to think about it.
Phillips: Man, Fox is going to be LIVID when he realizes his big singles victory... was Zoran mocking him. You have to think that would put Zoran pretty high on the title match list-
Magnus: Except when Death Trap is finished with him, the old man will have all the injuries he faked! As far as I’m concerned Trap is eliminating the competition to shoot himself up the X cue!
Using the blood to slide through, Sainovic manages to get an arm out, then rolls through into the Interrogation ’04. This time it’s Zoran who cranks back on the hold, whispering some rather depraved truths into Trap’s ear. Fired up, Trap starts to break the hold, only to roll back-
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Magnus: YES!
Phillips: HERE WE GO!
Both men fall over the edge.
Phillips: Both men dangling off the edge!
Death Trap and Zoran Sainovic both have a hand on the platform, but continue to kick away at one another, jockeying for position.
Death Trap: *Sigh* It's just the fucking Donzig scaffold match all over again... Just with a higher budget...
References to the WUK ace usually don’t go over well with Sainovic, who looks genuinely angry for the first time since the match started.
Zoran Sainovic (spitting mad): What can I say, son? YOU HAVE A LOT FURTHER TO FALL.
Wrapping his legs around Trap in a bodyscissor, Sainovic lets go, trying to dead weight his claimed progeny into the deadly pit.
Phillips: ZORAN DOESN’T EVEN CARE ABOUT WINNING, HE JUST WANTS TO TAKE TRAP DOWN WITH HIM!
Magnus: For Zoran to be willing to do that, there are probably a million pillows at the bottom. Bastard never gets really hurt.
Grabbing the platform with both hands, Death Trap starts to lift himself up – dragging Sainovic along for the ride. Without his trademark hat on, there are veins in his head that don’t normally get this kind of exposure – they are throbbing and look ready to burst, but he picks them both up.
Phillips: HECULEAN STRENGTH ON THE PART OF DEATH TRAP! HOW ON EARTH DID HE GET THEM BOTH UP?
Magnus: From the look on his face, you know Trap thought about just letting go. Anything to make Zoran suffer-
No sooner are both men up, than Zoran turns his body scissors into THE PAIN. Reaching into his suit, Sainovic pulls out a LEGO DARTH VADER figure – and uses a PRESSURE POINT to drive it into Death Trap’s skull. Kicking open a rusty can on the platform, Sainovic produces a large sack... emptying a thousand pieces of Star Wars themed LEGO onto the deck.
Magnus: These two first met up four years ago in LEGO hell; this seems to be a bonding exercise for Zoran-
Phillips: I take it Trap won’t be pleased when he wakes up?
Magnus: Would you?
Lifting Trap up, Sainovic bodyslams him into the lego – shattering more than one AT-AT. Woken by the agony, it takes Death Trap all of a second to remember the feel of LEGO stripping skin. RAGE.
Phillips: Sainovic reaching down going for his Interrogation ’09 – NO! Death Trap catching him with a jawbreaker!
Rather than let Sainovic stagger off, Death Trap bounces up, and nails a BIG body drop right into the Lego! Zoran flails around like that suit didn’t absorb most of the plastic shrapnel, but Trap knows better – and locks on a heel hook to really make the old man flail around in the wretched debris.
Phillips: If that’s how they feel falling on LEGO, imagine them hitting the “teeth” in this sarlacc pit!
Magnus: I’m really hoping...
Not wanting Sainovic to waste any more of his time, which is better spent hunting Fox, Death Trap turns the hook into a leg drag – and launches Zoran off the platform!
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
Phillips: OH MY GOD!
Magnus: There he goes!
Death Trap stands triumphant!
...Until a chain attached to a kunai flies up, and wraps around his neck. Before Trap can respond, the chain pulls tight; he gets yanked off his feet and pulled half off the platform. Crawling up the chain, Zoran once again gets onto Trap back, trying to climb back to safety.
Magnus: I swear it’s like Mortal Kombat, not wrestling!
Zoran Sainovic (winded): Didn’t zink you’d get rid of me zat easily?
Death Trap (gasping as the chain chokes him): If... you strike me down... I shall become more ...powerful... than you can possibly… imagine.
Zoran Sainovic (fiendish grin): My boy... (eyes narrow) I’m counting on it.
As cryptic as he his malicious, Sainovic starts to bite into Trap’s shoulder – when he notices something strange. A dart sticking out of his arm. That’s new.
Phillips: Who shot that-
Standing next to the announcers at the edge of the entrance, CHAOS is packing his tranquilizer gun.
Magnus: Nice shot.
Eyes rolling back in his head, Sainovic starts to fall backwards... only he drags Death Trap with him.
Phillips: THEY ARE BOTH GOING OVER!
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
#WHHHHHAAAAAACCCCCCHHHHHHAAA#
A loud whip sound is heard, as a whip shoots down and catches Death Trap by the wrist. Now standing with CHAOS, Magnus, and Phillips – Mistress has a whip wrapped around Death Trap, trying to save him, though struggling to hold his weight with Zoran on him.
Phillips: Whoa! Mistress with some INSANE upper body strength.
Magnus thinks about shoving Mistress over the edge, to make sure Zoran turns into a pincushion, but is concerned if anyone lived it might come back to haunt him.
Phillips: How long can she keep this up?
Magnus: She just has to outlast Zoran-
Tranquilizer kicking in, Zoran is starting to lose his grip. The Final Boss is slipping, then sliding off of Death Trap-
Phillips: There he goes!
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
A second kunai shoots up, cutting the whip. Death Trap follows Zoran, both men plunging into the darkness of the Sarlacc.
Magnus: YES!
Remembering the company he’s in.
Magnus (turning to Mistress): I’m so sorry.
Phillips: Both Death Trap and Zoran Sainovic doomed to be digested for a thousand years! I’m genuinely concerned that the GUNS Arena is going to slide into this giant pit... so for Magnus, this is Tom Phillips signing off.
The camera pans from the concerned faces of Death Trap’s friends, and delighted faces of Zoran Sainovic’s enemies – to the darkness that threatens to engulf GUNS.
El Rey: It’s quiet. Too quiet.
El Rey listens harder and soon we hear something. It’s faint at first and then it becomes stronger and more clear, heavy breathing. When El Rey hears this he reaches and pulls out a blue light saber. The light from the saber reveals Darth Vader standing down the hall from him. Slowly Vader reaches in unveils his own light saber, red because he’s the bad guy.
Vader: I knew you would come.
El Rey: How? I didn’t even know I was doing this until like ten minutes ago.
Vader: I could feel it within the force.
El Rey: Sure you did.
Just then El Rey runs and strikes. The greatest ever lightsaber battle ensues. It’s so good it leaves the audience wondering if these are just super realistic light sabers or has Karn Industries supplied some amazing CGI. They go back and forth in the epic battle with El Rey getting the upper hand before Vader forces pushes him away. El Rey flies back and lands hard on his back and then scrambles to his feet.
El Rey: You’re strong with the force, but you’re no match for the youngest Jedi Master in the galaxy.
Vader: Rey…
El Rey: What?
Vader: Rey I am… your father!
El Rey: Nooooooooooo!
Vader: No really, I am your father.
Just then Darth Vader removes his helmet revealing Darth Venom!
Darth Venom: It’s just me. This is my costume for the post show party.
El Rey: Oh.
Darth Vader: Should we head inside? Shows about to start.
BOOM! BANG! POW!
Welcome to the Gun Show! We open on a screaming crowd many of them waving lightsabers of all kinds. Few people throw up their signs like “Tom Phillips is Han Solo because he’s always rock hard,” “Zoran is the Emporor because he’s evil as fuck,” and “Magnus is Jar Jar Binks because no one likes him.” We pan to the announcers table where Magnus is clearly annoyed by the sign about him and Tom is looks all to pleased with himself.
Phillips: Welcome to the Gun Show. We’ve got a special theme tonight because it’s May the Fourth!
Magnus: That’s right we do and I’d totally be a Mandolrian because this is the way.
Phillips: Sure you would Jar Jar. We have a huge show for you tonight. Let’s kick it off with our first match up!
“Let’s Fighting Love” pumps over the PA system as Rival Recruiter Ozawa makes his way out of the back. Everyone’s favourite J-RoK scab isn’t even making his true company allegiance a secret, coming out flanked by young lions, Daichi Endo and Kei Yamada.
Phillips: At GUNS Tax Day show, we all saw Florida Man once again make a nuisance of himself, brutally assaulting Ozawa and definitely tanking the Streaming Divisions Rumble chances. Apparently FML didn’t take too kindly to our New Years Special, where he was tricked into signing a second J-RoK contract with even worse merchandising residuals.
Magnus: Disgruntled employees... what a world. Um. If you’ll excuse me.
Phillips: Wait, Magnus- the match is just starting...
Magnus: I’ll be right back.
*BUMP*
The camera follows after Magnus, as he hurries up the ramp, right past Ozawa – no selling his entrance. The hallways of GUNS Arena are especially dark this evening. Making his way to the front lobby, chains can be heard rattling. Jacob Marlow?
Magnus: WHAT IS TAKING SO LONG?
Nope, Darth Vader is padlocking the front doors shut.
Darth Venom: You know how many doors this building has? This is the last one.
Magnus: Well, security hasn’t seen him, so we may just pull this off yet.
After fumbling with a few more chains, the lock is finally in place.
Darth Venom: There.
The two men breathe sighs of relief.
Magnus: We should have fired him when we had the chance. YOU JUST HAD TO GET REVENGE!
Darth Venom: Who was faking his injuries? That’s right, Zoran! Which means he WAS trying to get El Rey killed by Price. I was right all along. So instead of passing blame, everyone should be saying YOU WERE RIGHT VENOM, WHAT A GREAT JUDGE OF CHARACTER, SORRY WE DOUBTED YOU!
Magnus: Oh no! You’re not giving yourself a pat on the back for this one. When you find an angry hornets nest, you get rid of the thing; don’t take it home!
Darth Venom: I was taking care of a problem, and we can still fire-
Magnus: No we can’t-
Rattle.
Both men go dead silent.
The chains rattle again.
Someone. Or something. Is trying to force its way in.
Venom gestures for Magnus to be very quiet. The two men start to tip toe away.
KNOCK.
KNOCK.
KNOCK.
Damn. They cringe in unison.
“Little pig... little pig... let me in.”
Fuck me.
Magnus (putting on an irish accent): Evening there boyo, only us custodial staff on site, you betcha bygolie... and we aren’t permitted to let anyone in. Shamrocks.
“...I am meeting my son here zis evening.”
Magnus (still irish): Is this about that May the Forth show? You aren’t the only fan we be sending packing over that rib. Potatoes. Turns out the show is in Miami. No show here tonight. Nothing to see here. I mean, what kind of holiday is May the Forth anyway? Leaping leprechauns, that sounds foreign to me.
“I am expected.”
Magnus: Someone has clearly played a trick on you, there is no show. We can’t let you in.
“Zen I’ll... huff... and I’ll puff... and I’ll blow zis arena down.”
Magnus: I have to get back to cleaning toilets, sorry again sir.
The lesser evils that are GUNS management tip toe away from the door.
Darth Venom: If he burns down the arena, would we be considered accessories to murder for locking all the exits?
Magnus: This isn’t J-RoK, there will be no mass homicides. We just have to pretend the show isn’t happening, and that the company went bankrupt and closed. He’ll never catch us.
“WHAT DOES EVERYBODY WANT?”
The loud voice of a Floridian accent pumps over the arena’s PA system, reverberating down the corridors. No sooner is the noise heard, then the chains start rattling again.
“...I will not disappoint ze boy.”
Wide eyed in horror, Venom runs for the control room, while Magnus V-lines back out into the main arena. Florida Man is making his way down to the ring, working the crowd like only he can.
Florida Man: WHAT DOES EVERYBODY WANT?
Crowd (clap back): CRYSTAL METH!
Florida Man: WHAT DOES EVERYBODY NEED?
Crowd (clap back): CRYSTAL METH!
Florida Man: WHO YOU GONNA BUY IT FROM?
Crowd (clap back): NOT FROM YOU.
Florida Man: WHY THE HECK NOT?
Crowd (clap back): YOU CUT IT WITH FENTANYL!
Florida Man (shrug): Everyone’s a critic.
Magnus (running out of the back): CUT HIS MIC!
O.B.R.C.: HE BROUGHT HIS OWN.
Florida Man: TONIGHT, ATLANTA IS FLORIDA COUNTRY!
The crowd cheer for the outside menace. Largely because they are Disney Star Wars fans and think the gorn mask is an Mos Eisley cantina reference, and not a tribute to the superior Star Trek, which they are supposed to hate.
*BUMP*
Magnus (once again on headset): Venom, can we get the loudspeakers from 11 to like point 1?
The audio pumping throughout the arena gets cut dramatically. So much so, that it is easy to hear Magnus breathe a sigh of relief.
Phillips: What are you up to?
Magnus: Self-preservation.
One-Sided J-RoK Contract on a Pole Match
Florida Man vs. Rival Recruiter Ozawa
Phillips: So the offending second contract has been placed on a pole in the far corner, a good ten feet above the ring- and-
Magnus: Did you hear knocking?
Phillips: What- no.
Magnus (talking to the production crew): Venom, kill the lights.
The arena is plunged into darkness.
LIGHTS OUT
CONTRACT ON A POLE MATCH
Florida Man vs. Rival Recruiter Ozawa
Phillips: I can’t see a thing.
Magnus: Yes, from the outside it will look like everyone has gone home. Genius!
Phillips: But how will the performers know where to climb or if they have the contract if they can’t see?
Magnus: This was basically a J-RoK match anyway. Screw ‘em!
At this point the crowd use their cameras as flashlights, or find the flashbulbs of photographs to be stronger – to see the action.
Florida Man: BICKETY BAM BABY, I GOTZ IT.
A flash reveals that Florida Man is actually holding a copy of “Gentlemen’s Robust Hindquarters - Spring Catalogue.” That doesn’t count as a legally binding document. Trying to use the flash of light to see which pole he should be climbing, the Gator faced luchador turns just in time to eat a double dropkick from Daichi Endo and Kei Yamada.
Phillips: I’m having a hard time making out anything, but it seems like Ozawa’s stooges are going to town on the Florida Man.
Magnus: After what happened to the streaming division last time, I hope they aren’t biting off more than they can chew.
Daichi Endo: (“AAAAAAAAAAAAAH!”)*
*Translated from Japanese
Florida Man MAY have bitten one of the young lion’s arms clean off – its very hard to tell with this illumination. Some of the occasionally appearing flashes turn red, filtered through a stream of blood that is shooting out of the young man’s maimed appendage.
Phillips: That is going to be a lawsuit.
Magnus: I see nothing.
“This primitive planet has no way of defending itself against the alien species.”
Magnus: Who was that?
Phillips: I can only catch a few of the curves... but if my photographic memory for measurements doesn’t deceive me... Trekker is in the crowd, and she’s asking the audience for parts to assemble a crystal cannon.
Magnus: The gorn’s one weakness!
Florida Man: I’m not a gorn!
Crowd: GREEDO SHOOT FIRST!
Magnus: GOD DAMN! (deep breathe) I didn’t know he was next to me.
Florida Man: Neither did I. Peace out bitches!
Apparently leaving the announce position, Florida Man returns to beating the crap out of an unconscious Endo and Yamada. Ozawa seems to be maybe climbing the post, but as a lifelong pencil pusher, has no upper body strength.
Phillips: Normally the Star Wars crowd would be pretty hostile to a Roddenberry devotee; fortunately with this darkness... they seem to be accepting her as one of their own.
Magnus: Well Star Wars is all about acceptance.
Phillips: That’s Star Trek.
Magnus: So what does Star Wars preach?
Phillips: Promotes making out with your sister.
Magnus: Is that the takeaway for everyone or just you Tom?
Phillips: It’s the only message.
Just when it looks like Ozawa is about to grab the contract, Florida Man bites his ankle and drags him off the post. Essentially suplexing him into Yamada. Stacking the three bodies up on top of each other, Florida Man stands on them to improve his height. Still not tall enough. So he slides out of the ring, grabs a heavy fan dressed as Jabba the Hut – and body slams the poor guy on top of Ozawa and company. Florida Man stands on the four. Only they are in the middle of the ring, so he really had no chance of reaching ten feet above the far corner anyway. Still this doesn’t stop the Floridian from stomping up and down on the four like a trampoline. It’s kind of horrific.
“Do you have sulphur?”
Philips: I feel like all these costumes make it easier for Trekker to assemble a crystal cannon.
Magnus: She tried this crap in REIGN and got arrested – because making bombs is not wrestling.
Phillips: Will the same thing happen tonight?
Magnus: No chance of police involvement, the doors are all barric- er- we’re just generally cooler.
“Give Tau Lacertae IX my regards!!!”
With that, Trekker unleashes her crystal cannon on the ring!
The whole arena lights up!
Fortunately, she couldn’t see well enough to aim – and misses Florida Man completely, instead hitting the pole that the contract is attached too.
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!
Magnus: NOoooo!
The giant explosion causes the pole to break, falling forward to the canvas. Still jumping up and down like a toddler on a pop rocks high, Florida Man slips in blood, landing on the contract.
The house lights come up, as Venom is clearly a slightly more responsible management figure than Magnus – and wants to assess the damage of the blast.
Magnus: Don’t do that, he’s going to know we’re in here!
Phillips: Who are you talking too? And who are you hiding from?
DING! DING! DING!
Sylvia Starr: The winner of this match... and now the proud owner of only a SINGLE J-RoK contract, FLOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORIDA MAAAAAAAAAAN!
Florida Man: CRYSTAL METH FOR EVERYONE!
Crowd: FLORIDA MAN! FLORIDA MAN!
Eating the contract, Florida Man does a little happy dance on Ozawa, the young lions & cosplay Jabba’s bloody corpses. Trekker goes back to finding materials for a second shot, but with the lights revealing her uniform even the dumbest of Rebel Alliance members know she isn’t to be trusted.
Phillips: Without that second extremely restrictive contract hanging over his head, Florida Man is going to be a real menace to new acting head Nausicaä and the rest of the XHF’s Japanese crew.
Magnus: ...Maybe he already left?
Phillips: No, Florida Man still has his original contract with them. Wait, are you even listening?
Magnus: Yes, I am. I don’t hear a thing. I think he drove off before the explosion. Clearly somebody up there likes me-
KNOCK.
KNOCK.
KNOCK.
It is really impressive that a knock on the front door can echo throughout the arena.
Magnus: ...fuck.
Phillips: What’s going on?
Magnus: Venom – get BEEF to reinforce the barricades!
Phillips: Should we be concerned?
Magnus: No! What? Huh! Concerned about what a great show this is- lets have security take that toothy menace out of the ring, and get on to the next match!
Magnus is trembling.
EARLIER TODAY
We get a peak outside of the GUNS arena in Atlanta, GA. The sun is high in the sky as we are still in the early afternoon. There are limited cars outside as the show is a few hours away still. Suddenly the silence in the parking lot is shattered by a tiger’s roar. Into the parking lot drives in (at the speed limit, signaling all turns) the signature white and black tiger striped Volkswagen Beetle fans of CAR will recognize as La Tigre, the vehicle of the Punch Buggy, No Punch Back racing crew. A team known for their underdog status, and for hosting the darling of the End of Days scene, who went toe to toe with Zoran Sainovic and Hyperion and lived to tell the tale … the spawn’s spawn of the hated GUNS Rival fed matriarch … Brittney Beahr. There are none of her fan club here tonight as this appearance was a guarded secret meant to please the GUNS faithful with a blood bath for Magnus’s amusement. As the car parks we are treated to the passenger door swinging open with a kick and a full brown bear mascot outfit (sans the head, which is in her hands) Brittney dives from the car. In her haste she accidentally kicks the switches and the punch buggy’s punch fires off, putting a rather large dent into a nearby light post. It begins to creak and moan … surely that will fall on Zoran’s car when he arrives at the arena for his match later tonight … Occam’s Razor demands it to be so!
"This must be the place, there is advertisement for bears all over the parking lot. Abby, let’s get inside … I need to get something in my stomach after that dreadful trip over here. I wonder if they have cub sized snacks at the concession.
Abby emerges from the driver seat in her more modest polar bear cosplay. She carries a bag of marshmallows as she pops one in her mouth.
"Chubby Bunny"
"Hey! Save those for the ice breakers! It’s been a long time since we’ve been to a furry con in Georgia, who knows if anyone we know will even be here. Do you find it odd that Memaw actually let us go to a convention this close to the next race?"
Abby shrugs and swallows her marshmallow.
"She is being supportive. Can we try to be excited before worrying about ulterior motives?"
"But I AM excited! It has been so long since we’ve been among our people. Let’s get inside."
They enter the arena.
NOW:
We open our scene on a collection of GUNS related bear and bear adjacent faces. It looks like in order to seal the deal, Magnus had to barter with Memaw and actually put on a miniature bear convention to keep Brittney unaware. As the girls enter one of the larger areas, usually set up for catering and gathering as a group, they are hit by the sight of a cavalcade of GUNS and XHF ursine regulars! They are greeted by two “animatronic” bears recognizable as the actual bear shaped bodies of Mecha-Goldbear IV.5 and his new buddy Mecha Pagnus I.5.
MGB4.5: Greetings, honored guest. Algorithms determine a 98% chance of jollity, please commence the hugging!
MP1.5: Query: Where can this unit acquire some bamboo?
"Oh how delightful! Well this is certainly higher budget than Bear-Con Boone 2019!"
"These are higher quality animatronics than the last time we saw them. Much improved."
As the ladies begin to giggle with delight, they move in and catch an image of Freddy Fazbear standing at the buffet loading up on finger sandwiches until he trips and falls and his head falls off revealing the XHF Shockmaster.
XHF Shockmaster: Oops. My sandwiches. Oh, my head! Gotta keep this on to get paid this week.
Po, the Kung Fu Panda: I don’t see how this is going to get me my hands on Redmond Fury! But if this is how it is to be done … then I suppose … Squadoosh.
The sight of Colossus Rhodes tearing through his Po, the Kung Fu Panda costume delights the girls. Who knew the furry con had attracted such a diverse group of people of all sizes! Brittney soon is accosted by three of her biggest fans, the costumed figures from the previous Star Wars Day special: Itchy Bum Bear, Paula Deen Bear, and Lumpy McFarts … who we are told are not ACTUALLY related to Goldbear II in any way shape or form.
"This is stretching the definition of ‘bear’"
"But these are such top notch costumes! And they love us! It’s so nice to see a group of CARnies here. Hey why aren’t they getting excited over us?"
She points at a group of twelve very large hairy men.
"I don’t think they’re fans of us in particular."
LumBEARjack 1: We’re waiting for Magnus, he promised to come clubbing with us.
"Aww, it’s good to have friends."
The girls begin to build plates of catering as some other random mosler-made bears begin to stroll around and everyone talks and compliments the quality of the fur suits they each wear. We see Yogi Bear and Boo Boo, Smokey Bear, Paddington Bear, Gentle Ben, Baloo, Bungle, and Rupert.
"Oh, let’s go away from this area, I don’t like that one…"
They move away and are greeted by former classic XHF era guest star Bear Grylls!
"Well this is a surprise! I didn’t know you came to furry-cons!"
Bear Grylls: I’ll go anywhere if they pay me enough and let me drink my own urine to prove a point.
"That is most unwise…"
Bear Grylls: Nah it’s fine, glad to have some other XHF celebrities here! We asked Curtis Kanyon to show up but apparently Steve Awesome vetoed that to go on another BANG Bros adventure involving movies and toddlers and sentient napkins. Dreadvan never responded to our requests to be here. I think he still wants to get one over on our Bear Necessities Champ!
"Oooh is that a title for best costume? Abby I want to win that!"
Bear Grylls: Oh well, good news. You get your chance later! The champ is with his cohorts over there!
He points out Goldbear II sitting in the center of a circle of bears scratching his exposed twig and berries. As this is an h2f sponsored segment, there is a SIZABLE pixelation effect over them to save the kids from this exposure. But … we all know … The title sits over his ursine shoulders. Standing next to him and reading “The Grapes of Wrath” is Big Bad Bear. Triple B looks over at the girls and gives a nod of respect. Brittney waves. Sitting behind them and eating bamboo are Pagnus and Banjo, her son. One could swear in the shadowy corner of the room, almost out of view, was a man with a bear head mumbling and grumbling to himself … is that Goldbear? Playing with some bear animal enrichment are XHF’s resident TLB bears; a black bear, a sun bear, a grizzly bear, and a brown bear. And it seems a womanly bond has formed between Mrs. Goldbear II and UrsusLa as they sit together sharing some honey.
"Brittney … I think …"
Brittney brushes off her sister.
"Oh don’t worry, I got this. Hand me the marshmallows."
Abby hands Brittney the large bag of marshmallows as the girls walk closer to the bear. There is a moment of collective pause by the bears as their noses twitch. As one they turn to the girls.
Brittney smiles. She’s back in her element as a zoo keeper.
”I think someone remembers what marshmallows are! Who remembers lay down
The screen fades to black as the bears begin to move.
“HOOOOOOOOOOOOWL”
“All rise fore the king of all wolves now arrives.”
Sylvia Starr: Introducing first. He is the XHF Junior Heavyweight Champion, EL REY!
The voice of James Earl Mother Fucking Jones echos over the speakers. How did he get James Earl Jones to say that? It wasn’t a Cameo I’ll tell you that and it cost a pretty penny. Shortly after James Earl Jones speaks Big Sean’s “Wolves” begins to play. El Rey strolls onto the stage wearing the mask he stole off of the head of El Combatiente. He looks around soaking up their surroundings before ripping the mask off of his head and revealing his cocky smirk he inherited from his father. He strolls down the ramp ignoring the outstretched hands of the fans until he reaches the ring. At ringside he leaps up onto the apron and then over the ropes and spins around in the ring with his arms outstretched. He spins around a couple times and then moves to the corner waiting for the match to begin.
Magnus: It wasn’t easy but this young man again used his cunning and talent to retain the Junior Heavyweight Championship at the Rumble
Phillips: Yes he did, and I doubt he’s 100% which makes me wonder, why is he defending tonight.
Magnus: He asked for this match Tom. He may be an arrogant little prick, but he is not afraid of a fight.
Sylvia Starr: And his opponent, one member of Off the Wagon?
The lights drop down so that only the entranceway and the ring are illuminated as a deep, throaty, laugh not unlike that of Lemmy of Motorhead gargles over the PA system. However, just as soon as it started it is replaced by the treble-busting vocals of Freddy Mercury of Queen dropping a red hot ballad on y’all. Specifically, “Play the Game” by Queen. As the song persists, “The Mental Killer” Kris “Triple Quake” Quake and “The Corn Snake” Randy Angel- better known as Off the Wagon- walk out. Well, walk is being generous, Randy is stumbling drunk- still drinking from a flask- and Quake’s walk is more of a waddle since he appears to be trying to flex all several of his muscles at the same time. In Triple Quake’s right hand is a Stacker-2-based cocktail and in his left is a bottle of chewable vitamins. They slowly and sloppily make their way down to the ring. Upon entering it, Randy Angel goes up to a turnbuckle and throws up the referee sign for “field goal” and Quake goes to the apron. Suddenly we’re bathed in way too many strobe lights while Triple Quake pours the vitamins into his mouth and chews, then drowns them in the cocktail. If you think this is probably not healthy at all- don’t worry because he SPITS THEM OUT ALL OVER! It looks like vomit as he makes an angry face and flexes at the crowd but whatever, this match is gonna start soon!
Phillips: Both members of Off the Wagon are here, but since Quake faced El Rey already I assume Randy is the opponent tonight?
Magnus: That is right. The kid wanted to finish off Natural Selection before he inevitably faces Nelly. Unfortunately, Randy and Quake are coming off a huge win.
Phillips: That’s right. They’re our new XHF Tag Team Champions and you had a ring side seat for that match.
Magnus: I did, and they were fantastic. I owe them big for not letting Zoran take another title, but Randy is a tag team wrestler for a reason and El Rey will expose that tonight.
XHF Junior Heavyweight Championship
GUNS Junior Heavyweight Gauntlet
El Rey © vs Randy Angel
GUNS Junior Heavyweight Gauntlet
El Rey © vs Randy Angel
The ref calls for the bell and Kris Quake jumps on the ring apron and begins yelling at the ref. The ref looks his way and yells at him to get down while Randy approaches El Rey grinning. El Rey looks confused at his opponent as he approaches. Quake continues to try and get the refs attention, but the ref ignores him and watches as Randy walks right into the face of El Rey and gets nose to nose with the champ. Randy hears Quake yelling at the ref and assumes the ref is distracted and spits Super Sake into the eyes of the champion and then quickly rolls him up in a small package and the ref calls for the bell. Randy quickly shoots up to his feet and jumps around like a winner, but the ref points to his eyes and then to Randy and Randy realizes he was caught.
Sylvia Starr: Winner and STILL XHF Junior Heavyweight Champion and moving on in the GUNS Junior Heavyweight Gauntlet, El Rey
Phillips: Well that was terrible. The kid isn’t even old enough to drink!
Magnus: That’s true, but the easier win has to be a positive for him after the match at the Rumble.
The ref helps El Rey clear his face of the booze as Quake explains to Randy outside why the plan failed. While they exit we cut to Venom in his Darth Vader costume walking down the hall. He turns into his office and removes his helmet then gasps. Standing in his office is a full grown man dressed as a Jawa.
Darth Venom: Who are you and what are you doing in my office?
The Jawa removes his hood and standing before Venom is a man with his face wrapped in white bandages.
El Combatiente: He venido por mi máscara.
(I have come for my mask.)
Venom takes a long beat looking the masked man up and down.
Darth Venom: Oh, it’s you.
Venom walks passed the Lucha star and sits behind his desk.
Darth Venom: I could give you your mask back, but look at you. You still have bandages around your face and you’ve only been out of a coma for a couple weeks. You should just let me keep it, you know, until you’re ready.
El Combatiente walks to the desk and slams his fist down.
El Combatiente: Listo o no, quiero mi máscara. No dejaré que vuelvas a deshonr mi nombre. Prefiero que Steve Awesome use mi máscara que tú.
(Ready or not I want my mask. I will not let you disgrace my name again. I would rather Steve Awesome wear my mask than you.)
Venom gasps. What an insult! Who would ever pick Steve Awesome over him?
Darth Venom: That was hurtful. Doesn’t exactly make me want to hand over the mask.
El Combatiente: No me importa. ¡Dame la mascarilla!
(I don’t care. Give me the mask!)
Darth Venom: No. You’ll get it back when I think you’re ready. Now get out of my office before I call security.
El Combatiente slams his fist again and then takes a deep breath.
El Combatiente: Volveré y conseguiré mi mascarilla. De una forma u otra.
(I will be back, and I will get my mask. One way or another.)
With his final word El Combatiente pulls up his Jawa hood and turns on his heel and exits.
Phillips: Fans its time for our Phoenix championship to come home!
Magnus: Whelp, I’m going to go on a washroom break.
Phillips: You certainly seem distracted tonight.
Magnus: Leave me alone! It’s not like we have any skin in this game. Marty Donovan is MISTER Hardkore World, Dinosaur Bones apparently represents Dinosaur Bones... whatever that means... and Rip N Terror is apparently a CAR representative in a mask. Probably Bob the Immortal or that Professor Doof.
Phillips: IF anyone can fight off the barbarians at the gates, it’s the Buckeye Bruiser!
Magnus: Please- I’d rather see one of those other federations keep the title than my damn ex win it again.
Sylvia Starr: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN... THE FOLLOWING CONTEST IS A FOUR-WAY-DANCE FOR THE XHF PHOENIX CHAMPIONSHIP!
Crowd: We like titles POP!
Sylvia Starr: Introducing first... representing CAR by way of himself... DINOSAUR BONES!
Fireworks go off, as “Walk the Dinosaur” pumps over the PA system to a chorus of boos. Nothing. The fireworks go off again. More jeers. Still nothing...
Sylvia Starr: DINOSAUR BONES!
Again!
Sylvia Starr: Dinosaur Bones?
Nope.
Sylvia Starr: MOVING ON- coming to us from parts unknown-
Crowd (hiss): CAR!
Sylvia Starr: Please give a warm GUNS welcome to Mister Rip N Terror!
The masked three-foot menace pushes through the back curtains. Along with the usual mask, Tinto is also decked out in a Baby Yoda costume. He makes a mean face to let everyone know how tough he is.
Phillips: RNT charging down the aisle...
Magnus: But with his little legs, it’s taking forever!
Phillips: And how about that Dinosaur Bones no show?
Magnus: Yes, perhaps the brute couldn’t find a way in!
Phillips: Why would that be?
Magnus: Nevermind...
Sylvia Starr: And now- MISTER GUNS, THAT BUCKEYE BRUISER, REDMOND FURY!!!
Rick Derringer’s “Real American” brings the crowd to their feet. The back curtains fly open as “The Buckeye Bruiser” Redmond Fury makes his way out on a Harley. His wheels have been fitted to look like the Millennium Falcon, while Fury himself is decked out in a Luke Skywalker ensemble. The motorcycle charges down the aisle, as the audience lose their shit, chanting for Mister Guns. Even Mister Rip N Terror looks like he wants to ask for an autograph, but stays in character and grits his baby teeth.
Phillips: The longest reigning Phoenix champion in the history of the Network, not even getting eaten by a bear could stop him from defending. Redmond Fury had the belt stolen from him at Night of Champions by Vile “Vince” Viper – and was given bad enough injuries that he’s been unable to go after it. Could tonight be his night?
Magnus: God I hope not.
Sylvia Starr: And the champion... standing at 6 feet, and weighing 218 pounds, he comes to us from the Magic Kingdom, Orlando, Florida- please give a warm GUNS salute to our Phoenix champion...
DISNEY’S MARTY DONOVAN!
“When you wish upon a star” begins to play over the PA system, as Marty Donovan steps out of the back, in the iconic white of A New Hope’s Luke Skywalker. The crowd let the Hardkore World and CAR superstar know just what they think about outsider’s winning their belts. ...they are against.
Phillips: Tough crowd.
Magnus: Clearly fans of the prequel trilogy.
Phillips: Disney’s Marty seems pleased with the RIP’s Yoda get-up, but less so with our Han.
Magnus: Copyright infringement? I’d like to see that stand up in court.
Phillips: Actually it might.
Magnus: oh no.
Marty, Redmond, and RIP stand in the ring.
“TO ME YOU, LOOK MORE LIKE CHEWY!”
Commenting on the hairiness of apes, Dinosaur Bones charges out of the back.
Marty Donovan (to Fury): Look, I don’t like you and you don’t like me... but for the child’s sake, we need to put that beast down.
Redmond Fury (nodding): Agreed.
Mister GUNS and Disney’s Own strike heroic poses worthy of a buddy cop flick, waiting for the murderous dracolich to come down the aisle. Oblivious to them trying to help him, or the match not having started yet, RIP kicks the two men in the ankle. Fortunately he’s very small, so they don’t notice.
XHF PHOENIX CHAMPIONSHIP
FOUR WAY DANCE
Disney’s Marty Donovan © [HKW] vs. Mister Rip N Terror [CAR] vs. Dinosaur Bones [DB] vs. “Buckeye Bruiser” Redmond Fury [GUNS]
Before making his way to the ring, Dinosaur Bones notices a fan dressed as Princess Leia.
Dinosaur Bones: “YOU’RE QUITE A DISH.”
He means that literally, so jumps the guardrail and starts chasing his terrified prey into the crowd. Referee Chip Lebrock gives the undead lizard a ten count to get to the ring: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!
Sylvia Starr: DINOSAUR BONES HAS BEEN ELIMINATED!
Phillips: Bones counted out. The former two-time champion unable to tie the three time record held by TripleV... and Goldberg?
Magnus: Different times.
Threat to RIP no longer in the match, Marty and Redmond turn back to one another. Feeling like they are on the same page to put Tinto first, Marty winks at Fury – seems to mouth something, then begins to sell for Tinto – who has been punching his leg this whole time.
Marty Donovan: Oh! Aw! Aw! You’re so strong!
Flair flopping all over the place for the seven-year-old’s mighty fists, Marty has to watch how far he flies because it’s hard for RIP to keep up. Seeing the child getting sleepy, Marty finally lays flat on the canvas.
Marty Donovan: OH NO MISTER RIP N TERROR – don’t pin me before Fury has a chance to break the fall.
Redmond Fury: That is exactly what I’m going to do-
Mister RIP N TERROR: I'm very fast!
The Buckeye Bruiser slowly moves towards them, then slows it down further to keep up this play fight. Excited, RIP falls over, then recovers, and jumps on Donovan.
Phillips: I’m going to call that a... crossbody block?
Magnus: Sure.
Phillips: The champion down, and there’s the pin-
ONE!
TWO!!
THREE!!!
Sylvia Starr: Disney’s Marty Donovan has been eliminated!
Mister RIP N TERROR: YAY!
Phillips: RIP DOES IT! The champ is out – now, no matter who wins, we’re going to have a new champion! Given him hell, Fury!
Marty Donovan: OH NO, RIP you beat me!
Over excited RIP continues to throw punches at Marty, clearly unaware of how the match works.
Marty Donovan: Now go pin Fury, (pointing) you can do it!
Mister RIP N TEAR: I will!
Shaking with excitement, the energetic tyke charges towards Fury. Marty winks again at the wall of muscle, who is clearly on the same page for giving this child a feel good moment. Pleased with his selfless plan coming together, Marty climbs the turnbuckle to work the crowd.
Phillips: MISTER RIP N TERROR SHOOTS IN FOR A-
Magnus: COME ON!
Phillips: Fury carefully picking the child up, gently laying him on the canvas, and putting one strong hand on his chest.
ONE!
TWO!
THREE!
Sylvia Starr: MISTER RIP N TERROR HAS BEEN ELIMINATED! SO YOUR WINNER OF THIS MATCH, AND NEW PHOENIX CHAMPION- MISTER GUNS- REDMOND FURY!!!
The announcement causes Marty to turn back around in horror.
Magnus: Beating a child, what a heel!
Phillips: HE did it; he did it- REDMOND FURY FINALLY RECLAIMED THE PHOENIX CHAMPIONSHIP FOR GUNS!
Mister Rip N Terror is crying. Livid, Marty charges across the ring and shoves Fury, which would be way more effective if the new champion wasn’t build like a brick house.
Marty Donovan: What the heck dude, I thought we were on the same page!
Redmond Fury: It pained me to beat RIP, but after outside threats from HKW, CAR, and DB... The Phoenix has finally come home to GUNS!
The crowd are electric alternating chants of “FURY” and “GUNS.”
Marty Donovan: Don’t chant for him- beating children isn’t cool!
Phillips: Putting aside his own moral compass to get our belt back? Redmond Fury is the GREATEST HERO in the history of GUNS!
Magnus: Get a room!
Phillips: Wouldn’t want to make you jealous, Magnus! How did you ever let that magnificent man get away?
Magnus: I’m going to be sick.
As Fury poses for pictures, Marty shakes with rage. He isn’t the only one shaking.
Mister Rip N Terror: MISTER MARTY HOW COULD YOU?
RNT pulls off his mask to reveal-
Phillips: Oh my goodness, Mister Rip N Terror was TINTO ALL ALONG!
Magnus: Was that actually a secret?
Marty Donovan: Tinto- I tried-
Tinto: I used all my energy beating you in that match of the year, Mister Marty, and I had no energy left to handle the big gorilla. You’ve cost me the title... again!
Having a temper tantrum, Tinto runs away from the ring.
Marty Donovan: Tinto- wait!
The man who thought so little of the Phoenix title that he tried to give it to a child like a toy, also heads towards the exit.
Magnus: Oh no, we have to stop them-
*BUMP*
Exiting out of the arena into the backstage area, Tinto comes up to a side door. Only to find it heavily chained, and barricaded with office furniture – like a zombie siege flick.
Marty Donovan: Tinto, it’s not like that-
Tinto: Save it Mister Marty, and help me get out of here.
The child starts pulling down the barricade. By taking shelves out of a desk.
Magnus (winded): HANG ON! Now... personally... I’ll be happy to see you outsiders leave GUNS and never come back. ...But you have to wait till the end of the show.
Marty Donovan: I wouldn’t be caught dead waiting another minute in this dive.
Magnus (pointing): Zoran is in the parking lot; he is in a bad mood and has a lot of knives.
Marty Donovan: I fear no man!
Tinto: Mister Zoran is my favourite Disney princess AND Paramount Mascot!
Marty Donovan (rolling up Luke sleeves): Let me at him-
CRASH
KRACK
THUNK
SMASH
Before Marty can defend the honour of Disney Princesses everywhere, and one up the old knife-wielding maniac in front of his occasional ward – a series of blood curdling noises are heard on the other side of the door.
Magnus: See?
Marty Donovan: That doesn't scare me. ...But I do worry for the child. Hey Tinto, let’s go to the concession stand, I’ll buy you an ice cream and we can plot ways for you to beat that musclehead for the title.
Tinto: But Mister Zoran might need my help.
Grabbing the little boy by the hand, Marty marches him away from the scary destruction symphony.
Back in the ring, the fans continue to scream their lungs out for a celebrating Fury.
Redmond Fury (holding up the Phoenix title): You know, I heard the global shows calling this the darkest timeline- but from where I'm standing the XHF has never shined brighter. Folks will always tell you that this is the worst its ever been... but people always find a way to survive, and thrive. Just like the Phoenix, tear us down, and will come back on fire! No matter what the Network throws at us, I know that GUNS Nation will stand tall to-
The audience's voices are so hoarse for the cheering; that they can’t even yelp “LOOK OUT!”
Phillips: Look out!
Having finally finished off the Carrie Fisher early 80s lookalike, Dinosaur Bones hits the ring, ready for the match that is already over. Lumbering up behind the new champion, Fury never sees the beast coming until its razor sharp teeth have torn into his abdomen.
Phillips: Could Redmond Fury once again be eaten?
Yes, will the Phoenix title be going to the greener grasses of DB?
Dinosaur Bones: *MUMBLE* (mouth is full)
Phillips: No, Bones spits our hero out. Then bites him again- Fury damn near cut in half! I can see bone!
A few dozen security hit the ring to try to keep the Dread Lord in line. They don’t so much subdue him, as offer other tasty morsels. So Bones is lured away from the bloody mess that is Fury by a string of security guards that look like the yellow power pellets in Pac-man.
Magnus: This looks like a good time for a match-
Phillips: Magnus, what are you doing?
Magnus: What, Fury has been asking for this contest since the season began; it’s only fair I reward him for returning the belt-
Phillips: Don’t-
BEEF enters the ring, and brings a sledgehammer down across Fury’s bloody back. Whatever security aren’t being eaten by Bones, are desperately trying to hold the crowd back, who all want to jump to their child beating heroes’ aid.
Magnus (microphone): You asked for it Red, so here you go! You can defend the strap tonight in your long awaited contest with BEEEEEEEEEEEEF!
XHF PHOENIX CHAMPIONSHIP
Redmond Fury © vs. BEEF
Beef brings the sledgehammer down again, and again. When referee Chip Lebrock threatens to disqualify him, Beef simply responds with a pin.
ONE!
TWO!
THREE-kickout!
Monster pop! Fury is still in this!
No, Beef just beats him a few more times with the sledgehammer. Chip’s requests for a clean match get him threatened with a pink slip by Magnus. When Fury looks less like beef and more like hamburger, BEEF again makes the cover... this time with his feet on the ropes to add further insult to injury.
ONE!
TWO!
THREE!
DING! DING! DING!
Sylvia Starr: ...call it yourself.
Magnus: With pleasure, THE WINNER OF THIS MATCH, AND NEW XHF PHOENIX CHAMPION, BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEF!
The ring starts to fill up with garbage, as the audience let GUNS management know just how they feel about this “title match.”
Magnus: That’s right, Red. Oh you might have rescued the title from Hardkore World, CAR, and DB- but Mister Guns? Don’t make me laugh. If Ascension had come back last month, you’d be packing your bags for Bethsaida. No, there is only ONE MAN I can count on to never leave us for another federation- BEEF!
BEEF poses with the strap, as more garbage is flung in the ring.
Phillips: After that epic match in which Redmond Fury defended GUNS honour against not one but THREE rival federations, the owner and BEEF once again turning the Phoenix division into a joke. This just makes me sick! It's outrageous. BEEF seems pleased with himself. Redmond clearly in need of medical attention - can we get some paramedics out here?
The lights dim in the arena.
Sylvia Starr:The following bout is a tag-team match for the GUNS Gentlemen’s Doubles Championship! Introducing first…
In resplendent tennis whites come Boris Becker and Novak Djokovic complete with all ten Wimbledon trophies laden across them. Somehow they manage to balance the titles whilst gamely swinging their tennis racquets with forehands and backhands alike.
Sylvia Starr: …the team of Boris Becker and Novak Djokovic….THE DROP SHOT DUO!
They are assisted into the ring by the ring crew taking their Wimbledon trophies away to be smelted…uh, for safekeeping.
Sylvia Starr: And their opponents…
A countdown to ignition is accompanied by horns as the lights drop. As they hit one, a fart noise echoes around the arena until the 1993 UK Christmas No.1 'Mr Blobby' by Mr Blobby resonates across the venue.
Stepping out from behind the curtain, Noel Edmonds and Mr Blobby emerge to a mixed reaction. Noel Edmonds wears tracksuit bottoms and a flowery Dad shirt. Mr Blobby, in contrast, comes out au naturel except for a set of ear guards that make him look like Rick Steiner was smashed together with a blancmange.
Sylvia Starr: The current GUNS Gentlemen’s Doubles Champions…Noel Edmonds and MR BLOBBY…THE CRINKLY BOTTOM BOYS!!
As they walk down the aisle, Noel Edmonds looks focused or maybe just irritated at how his career turned out. Mr Blobby follows him, he snaps open a Sherbert dib-dab and snorts it before dropping the wrapper on the floor. Edmonds leans into the aisle camera.
Noel Edmonds: We’re going to the Coronation, baby!
Blobby however, has got distracted, silly Blobby! He's handing out his hotel room number to a gaggle of 5 out of 10s who came with their children to the event! Edmonds looks behind to see his partner not focusing on the match and grabs an ear guard to pull him down the aisle to the ring. He points towards the ring and watches as Blobby looks to roll under the ropes but finds he is simply too large to fit. The Pink and Yellow Peril realises his mistake and stands up and shakes his head before leapfrogging the top rope.
Edmonds rolls under the bottom rope and rips off his trackies and Dad shirt to reveal a wrestling singlet that is patterned with boxes from Deal or No Deal. Edmonds signals for a microphone.
Noel Edmonds: Before this farce gets underway…we will not be putting our belts up tonight. Not for this tax-dodging philanderer!!
Boris Becker: But I am bankrupt…I need ze money! I can’t even make a living as a Zoran eem-perzonator!
Noel Edmonds: As for his partner? He’s the reason we’re throwing the match out. He’s not even vaccinated!!!
Novak Djokovic: I am not antivax. I just think that we should support the freedom to choose what goes in our body!
Edmonds considers this for a second before passing a pamphlet on COVID-19 across.
Noel Edmonds: Read this then…
Djokovic starts to read the pamphlet.
Noel Edmonds: RING THE BELL!!
GUNS Gentleman's Doubles Championship Match
Crinkley Bottom Boys © vs The Drop Shot Duo
Crinkley Bottom Boys © vs The Drop Shot Duo
DING! DING! DING!
Boris Becker: Novak, ze match!
Noel Edmonds gets closer to his opponent as Blobby steps out of the ring.
Novak Djokovic: But this is really interesting…and flawed…
Edmonds gets the roll-up…
ONE!
TWO…
Novak Djokovic: See, they know they’ve rushed the vacci-
THREE!
Boris Becker: Scheisse! Zis is worse than knocking up my mistress in a restaurant closet!
Sylvia Starr: The winners of this match AND STILL the GUNS Gentlemen’s Doubles Champions….THE CRINKLY BOTTOM BOYS!!!
Phillips: How much do you pay them?
Magnus: Too much and they’re set to take on Off the Wagon for the XHF Tag Team titles at our next show!
Phillips: Those belts aren’t coming to us…
Magnus: Probably not…oh what now.
The lights dim, blue and gold spotlights slowly circle around the darkened arena. The haunting vocal intro to “The Hard Sell” by Coheed and Cambria plays. The tron has come to life when the lights dimmed and displays "And now … THE XHF NETWORK presents … its MAIN ATTRACTION!" A foot shatters the screen as the guitar rocks the arena. DT slowly walks into a blue spotlight on the stage with his head down hidden under a hoodie. It's black and has his custom interlocking DT logo with an Italian flag and mariners compass on it on the back. He stands in the spotlight and slowly looks up showing off his signature bowler hat and sunglasses under the hood.
"I'm paranoid and sick of this world's misconception of things I did. My language poured across this wrist in a metaphoric disaster.
My guess, I'm missing out the punch line, unless this hanging noose is fitted to be all mine..."
He slowly pushes the hood back revealing a serious face as he lowers his sunglasses before pulling them off and placing them in his hoodie pocket as he gazes around the cozy arena. The spotlights turn into one tracking light following him to the ring as he high fives the fans along the entryway.
Silvia Starr: Making his way to the ring, hailing from the emerald city of Seattle, Washington, standing at 6'4" and weighing in at 260 pounds, he is the Master of the Dragon Sleeper … one half of the longest reigning former XHF Global Tag Team Champions, Top of the Class … “The Main Attraction” ... DEATH TRAP!
"I stood by everything I loved, while you never understood me much. Cuz there's only ONE of ME and TOO MANY of YOU fighting over nothing. There's never enough cool for everyone, and before you know it? You're selling out to be in."
He unzips the hoodie as he moves towards the ring and drops the hoddie to the floor as he reaches the ring steps. He stops on the ring steps to look out at the crowd. He climbs to the apron and spins, hooking his arms over the top rope. A blue spotlight illuminates DT in the ring as the crowd erupts for the XHF Legend. The Xtremetron shows “Top of the Class, Cream of the Crop.” He points out to the crowd and amps them up before stepping through the middle rope and running to the opposite side, grasping the top rope as he steps onto the bottom rope and points out at the crowd again. He steps to the center of the ring and is tossed a microphone.
Magnus: Oh boy, now this boy scout is here to waste our time. What a lout. YOUR HAT IS DUMB AND SO ARE YOU!
Phillips: That seems unnecessary, Magnu-
Magnus: IT'S VERY NECESSARY!
Death Trap: Before we start these ... "festivities" ... I have something to say. Bloodied Fox!
The crowd hushes at that...
Magnus: Oh no, he is not going to antagonize our new violent X*Crown champ!
Phillips: Seems you should start putting these clauses in the guest contracts you sign.
Magnus: ZORAN TRICKED VENOM INTO SIGNING THIS ONE! Venom figures they'll kill each other...
Phillips: Where is Zor-
Magnus: DON'T SAY THE NAME! I ALREADY REGRET IT!
A faint knocking is heard echoing through the arena.
Death Trap: Fox ... congratulations. You are the champion. And were it any other time in your illustrious career I'd be saying how you earned it and deserve it. And while you certainly deserve a reign with that title ... the circumstances are a bit suspect aren't they? See while up until recently I'd be praising the amazing new champ and his wealth of skill and amazing abilities. All of which ... are still true.
He pauses and takes a deep breath.
Death Trap: You are not the man you once were. I realize I shot myself in the foot by eliminating ZOran to save his ass. But... I still think you can be saved. I think you are deserving of a chance at redemption. I believe the good man you TRULY are is in there, he's just being taken advantage of by other forces. BUT WAIT! I am no fool, don't bother coming down. I didn't come here to fight you ... yet. And I am not stupid enough to come here alone. I have my team in the back.
Mistress Discipline and Dr. Chaos arrive on the stage and stand there. Discipline is in her wrestling gear, waiting for a chance to defend her man. Chaos has ... a long barreled rifle?
Magnus: SHIT! GUNS AT GUNS!
Phillips: I mean with all the knives around I'm shocked it took this long...
Dr. Chaos: It's a tranquilizer gun but it's packing elephant rounds! If that albino version of our dear CAR Lordling or his beefy side of meat try to hurt our teammate ... they take a nap for the next week!
Death Trap: So Fox here's the deal. You hold onto that title. You keep it safe. You enjoy the reign so you can have fond memories of being on top when you eventually come to your senses. But know this. ... I ... am coming ... for my title. Had I not had a pang of conscience and decided to foolishly save the devil himself, I'd have taken Dylan out while you murdered him. And I'd have taken you out before you knew I was there. As far as I'm concerned ... I'm the uncrowned champion but for my own heart. So rest assured ... I will be finding a way to Night of Champions ... and taking you down. You BEST be keeping that title until then, because I want you to know that I beat YOU.
DT turns to Magnus.
Death Trap: Now ... where is my opponent for this evening?
Magnus: Hmm? Opponent? I don't see you on the card for tonight. This is a Star Wars celebration and you are more of a Babylon 5 guy.
Death Trap: ... I've never seen that show. Where's Zor-
Magnus: I'm sorry I don't know anyone by that name, certainly not on our roster. Your services aren't required! Thanks and bye! Kill his mic.
Death Trap: Magnus you son of a-
His mic cuts out and DT looks furious. He decides to flip Magnus off and just roll out of the ring as the crowd cheers for him. He meets up with his manager and wife and they exit the stage area before a certain violent X*Crown champ comes out to ambush him with numbers. Once they’re clear we find only Magnus standing in the ring with a mic in hand.
Magnus: This weekend at the Rumble the X*Crown stayed with GUNS when Bloodied Fox outlasted everyone. He, though, wasn’t the only one who put on a display representing GUNS. I’d like to ask the XHF’s Iron Man to come to the ring right now, BEEEEEF!
The echoing “BEEEEEEEEF” rings out over the sound system as BEEF hits the stage with an echoing jump. He poses for the crow before walking down the ramp. BEEF, stares down the match official as he makes his way to the ring before leaping onto the ring apron and entering the ring.
Magnus: Thank you BEEF for joining me tonight, and thank you for everything you’ve done to represent GUNS the right way. I wanted to get you a present. I know earlier I helped you get the Phoenix Championship, but that just didn’t feel like enough. So I called a few connections and got you another title match and a chance at some revenge for one of the men who tossed you from the Rumble.
BEEF smiles as the house lights go out as the crowd begins to buzz.
Top, to the top, ain't never gonna stop
To the top, to the top, ain't never gonna stop
Pyro explodes as the chorus of "Legendary" by Skillet begins to play and the crowd erupts into cheers and chants begin to break out of "Icons", "Diamond Club", and "D-T-F".
Jack Diamond emerges on the stage with a huge grin on his face, nodding his head to the beat of the music. He adjusts his leather jacket and soaks in the moment, around his waist the Tap Out Openweight Championship belt glimmers in the lights. He mouths the word "Legendary" and begins to make his way to the ring acknowledging the fans as only Jack Diamond can do. As he gets to the ring, he climbs the stairs and walks the apron over to the far turnbuckle. He ascends the outside of the corner, removes his belt and holds it high over his head, playing to the crowd as more pyro goes off.
Oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh
Oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh, legendary
Jack jumps down into the ring and heads to the center before raising his belt up with both hands, above his head loud cheers. Jack removes his leather jacket and hands it and the title over to the timekeeper before heading to his corner and stretching and preparing for the match.
Phillips: Welcome back Magnus, you weren’t joking, this is a real coup.
Magnus: What?
Phillips: You were right, this is a main event worthy of any show.
Magnus: This? Nah, this is something I through together at the last minute. The main event will be much bigger.
Phillips: Bigger than a two time X*Crown Champion and a rival companies top title?
Magnus: Yeah.
Phillips: Wow.
TAP OUT OPENWEIGHT TITLE MATCH
JACK DIAMOND © VS BEEF
JACK DIAMOND © VS BEEF
The match official calls for the bell as we get underway!
DING! DING! DING!
Diamond keeps to his corner, taking a moment to decide on his strategy. He starts to slowly walk out but BEEF rushes at him with a huge running back-elbow but the Icon ducks it!
Phillips: BEEF’s eager to make a mark in this one!
Magnus: We both know he should have won the Rumble but for cowards ganging up on him!
The Tap Out Openweight Champion throws a knife-edge chop and follows it up with a stiff kick to the chest. Once more with the chop and kick combination but Magnus’ Mentee doesn’t budge.
Phillips: Diamond finding out just what an immovable object BEEF is!
Magnus: Exactly! HE should have the X*Crown title! But he beats Diamond tonight, Tap Out folds out of embarassment and then Fox will fall before BEEF!
Jack grabs the head of the Georgian GUNSlinger and throws a HUGE European Uppercut that seemingly teeters BEEF!
Phillips: Diamond’s not finding much joy with his initial plan…
Crowd: LET’S GO DIAMOND! *CLAP* *CLAP* *CLAPCLAPCLAP* LET’S GO DIAMOND! *CLAP* *CLAP* *CLAPCLAPCLAP* LET’S GO DIAMOND! *CLAP* *CLAP* *CLAPCLAPCLAP*
Grabbing the head once more, another European Uppercut connects AND ONE FOOT COMES OFF THE FLOOR!!
Magnus: Jack’s got nothing…
Diamond rushes to the corner before charging, he spins…
Phillips: This could be something he-
BEEF CUTS HIM OFF WITH A SPINNING HEEL KICK!!
Magnus: HE DECAPITATED HIM!!
The crowd noise is reduced to nothing with that kick.
Phillips: He killed the crowd!
Magnus: This is just an appetizer for the real main-event!
Picking up Diamond by the hair, BEEF throws the Champion INTO THE RING POST!!
Phillips: A sickening thud as flesh and bone meet unforgiving steel! He hit that harder than I hit DMs!
The cameras pick up the pained expression on the face of the Icon, his shoulder still against the post.
Magnus: Give up now, Jack! Just lay down and save yourself!
Methodically, BEEF peels Jack from the ringpost and hoists him up onto the top turnbuckle before WRENCHING DIAMOND BY HAIR HAIR INTO A TREE OF WOE!!
Phillips: Diamond finds himself in real trouble here…
Clubbing forearms begin the assault on the incapacitated Openweight Champion before BEEF retreats to the middle of the ring. CHARGING KNEE!!!
Magnus: He’s just picking him apart!
Unrelenting, Diamond’s beating continues, he heads back to the center of the ring…CANNONBALL SENTON TAKES DIAMOND OUT OF THE TREE OF WOE!! BEEF ROLLS BACKWARDS….BASEMENT DROPKICK TO THE FACE!!
Phillips: WHAT AGILITY!
Magnus: I told you he was robbed!
BEEF pulls Jack from the corner and covers…
ONE…
T-
KICKOUT!
Crowd: LET’S GO DIAMOND! *CLAPCLAPCLAP* LET’S GO DIAMOND! *CLAPCLAPCLAP* LET’S GO DIAMOND! *CLAPCLAPCLAP*
BEEF keeps the pressure on and lifts up Diamond who answers with a driven side-elbow to the ribs. The DTF Owner follows up with a kick to the ribs…and another…
Phillips: The Icon looking to rally…
A third kick lands but a fourth is caught….BEEF flips him backwards and dive forward with a Lariat but Diamond ducks and charges the ropes…SPRINGBOARD DDT!!
Phillips: Huge move from the Ace of Tap Out Wrestling!
Magnus: Unless he signs for GUNS!
Phillips: For now, no contract has been signed and his Plan B might be working out!
Magnus: He’ll be onto Plan T at this rate!
Jack steps through the ropes to the apron with purpose. He grabs the top-rope BUT BEEF CUTS HIM OFF WITH A RUNNING ELBOW! BEEF CHARGES THE ROPES….A HUGE SHOULDER BLOCK SENDS DIAMOND FROM THE APRON TO THE GUARDRAIL!!
Magnus: That’s Diamond stopped in his tracks!
Phillips: He found that guardrail like a dart to a bullseye!
BEEF isn’t finished, he sees the pained expression on Diamond’s face as he peels himself off the guardrail. He hits the ropes once more…
Magnus: Watch this…
TOPE THROUGH THE ROPES TAKES DIAMOND DOWN!!!!
Crowd: HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT!
The Match official starts the count:
ONE!
BEEF uses the guardrail to pick himself up and wrenches Diamond to his feet by his arm. HE IRISH WHIPS HIM INTO THE RING STEPS!!
Phillips: BEEF is unrelenting in his attack!
Magnus: BEEEFFF!
TWO!!
Diamond looks broken as he’s sprawled over what remains of the steps. BEEF drags him between his legs and lifts…
Phillips: Could this be an Apron Bomb?
DIAMOND PUSHES OFF THE SHOULDERS AND ESCAPES, SENDING HIS OPPONENT INTO THE APRON!!
Phillips: Diamond escapes at the last!
Magnus: Too much body lotion…
JACK LEAPS ONTO THE APRON…SHOTGUN DROPKICK CONNECTS TO THE FACE OF THE GUNS STAR!!
Phillips: He drives those feet through the skull of BEEF!
Using all of his strength, Jack pulls BEEF onto the apron and connects with a lifting knee that rocks BEEF….SLINGBLADE ON THE APRON!!
Phillips: SNAKE EYES!!!
The Tap Out Champion isn’t finished, he puts BEEF’s head between his legs…PULLING PILEDRIVER!!!
Phillips: HUGE PILEDRIVER!!
Diamond uses his feet to push his opponent into the ring and climbs in. He makes the cover…
ONE…
TWO…
BEEF PRESSES DIAMOND OFF HIM!!
Magnus: But is BEEF bothered? Look at that strength!
Getting to a knee, BEEF is unsighted..Step-up Enziguri from Diamond but it seems to only slow him. Jack hits the ropes and nails a Spinning Heel Kick to the now standing BEEF and rolls through…ICON KICK!
Phillips: HE GOT ALL OF THAT!
BEEF STILL KEEPS HIS BALANCE…JUST!
Magnus: BEEF is eating this up! Diamond’s going to run out of steam….
Jack goes to the apron…SPRINGBOARD CROSSBODY BLOCK AND ANOTHER COVER!
ONE…
TWO…
T-KICKOUT!!
Phillips: We’ve seen Diamond rally and fight to the death and tonight is no different.
Diamond charges to the ropes…Springboard Twisting Bodyblock…NO!!! BEEF NEARLY DECAPITATES HIM WITH A WESTERN LARIAT!!
Magnus: But THAT will stop him!
BEEF covers…
ONE…
TWO…
T-
DIAMOND GETS AN ARM UP!!
Phillips: Great heart from the Icon!
Not content with letting his opponent get to his feet before carrying on his attack, BEEF continues…STANDING MOONSAULT!...He rolls off of him…SHOOTING STAR PRESS!!
Magnus: What can Diamond do that BEEF can’t? He’s overmatched!
In an outstanding show of strength, BEEF hooks the head and legs of his opponent and rolls to his feet into a Torture Rack!
Phillips: We know where this is going…
BEEF bounces the prone body of his opponent against his shoulders, working the Rack well….SAMOAN DROP AND THE PIN!!!
ONE..
TWO…
THRE-
DIAMOND WEAKLY GETS AN ARM UP!!
Magnus: He’s battling against time here….
The crowd starts a methodical clap.
BEEF lifts up Diamond and an Irish Whip sends him to the ropes…BEEF ducks down…
Phillips: Back Body Drop incoming…
BLOCKBUSTER NECKBREAKER!!!
Phillips: NO! COUNTER from Jack!
Adrenaline driving him back to his feet, BEEF falls victim to a Rolling Boston Crab!!
Magnus: NO!
Phillips: Jack going to the ground to counter the freakish strength and agility of BEEF!
Jack has the hold locked in tight. Magnus’ Muscle gamely fights as he kicks his legs to try and free them but Diamond adjusts with the disturbance.
Phillips: That experience paying off as Jack continues to adjust the hold to keep Magnus at a loss.
Adjusting to try and get more leverage, Jack relents on the hold to stand and that’s all BEEF needs. He uses his power advantage to free a leg and kicks to the ropes!
Magnus: Now he’s got a problem!
The referee gives Diamond to five to break:
ONE!
TWO!
THREE!
FOUR!
Diamond lets the hold go and stands up with his hands raised to the referee.
Phillips: Never one to give up the advantage of the count, Diamond finally backs off.
Turning around, Diamond is blind to a huge Roaring Elbow that connects with his temple. BEEF sends him to the ropes…POP-UP POWERBO-NO!! DIAMOND COUNTERS TO A DROPKICK THAT SENDS BEEF INTO THE CORNER!
Phillips: The Icon turnining that escape into offense…
Jack charges in…ANOTHER DROPKICK DROPS BEEF TO THE MAT!!
Magnus: But he can’t win on a dropkick…not against BEEF.
Raising a hand, Diamond signals to the fans as he steps between the ropes and begins to climb the turnbuckles.
Phillips: What could we be seeing here?
Reaching the summit, Diamond raises both hands in the air…BEEF USES THE MIDDLE ROPE TO SWING HIS LEGS UP WITH A KICK THAT CROTCHES DIAMOND ON THE TOP TURNBUCKLE!
Phillips: Amazing agility stops the Jackpot Double Stomp!
Magnus: Just you wait…
In an amazing show of strength, BEEF flips out from the corner and onto the top-rope. He hooks an arm and brings Diamond to a standing position with him on the top turnbuckle…
Phillips: This doesn’t look good.
Magnus: Nope, it looks amazing…
AVALANCHE SUPLEX!!!!!!!
Crowd: THAT WAS AWESOME! *CLAP* *CLAP* *CLAPCLAPCLAP* THAT WAS AWESOME! *CLAP* *CLAP* *CLAPCLAPCLAP* THAT WAS AWESOME! *CLAP* *CLAP* *CLAPCLAPCLAP*
Both men look knocked out.
Phillips: WHAT. A. MOVE!
Magnus: That’s Diamond done…
BEEF rolls over and drapes an arm over Diamond.
ONE…
TWO…
THREE-
NO!! JACK’S ARM RISES TO TAUNT BEEF AND MAGNUS!
BEEF can hardly believe it. He shoots to his knees and slaps his hand three times to show the referee how to count!
Phillips: BEEF can’t believe it, the crowd can’t believe it a-
Magnus: AND I CAN’T BELIEVE IT!
Diamond tries to crawl to the ropes but BEEF’s there and he hooks his arms around him…Gutwrench Suplex. He rolls through and hits another Gutwrench Suplex…AND HE ROLLS AGAIN TO NAIL A THIRD ONE!!
Phillips: This could well be it…
BEEF lifts him to his feet..DIAMOND DROPS INTO A SIT-OUT JAWBREAKER….DIAMOND LEAPS FOR A CUTTER!!
Phillips: STACKED DECK!
Magnus: NO!
BEEF TURNS HIM FOR A BLUE THUNDER POWERBOMB BUT JACK MANAGES TO ESCAPE WITH A HEADSCISSORS TAKEDOWN!!
Phillips: Diamond not getting the finish but still remaining on top…
Springing forward, Jack grabs BEEF’s leg and twist around it.
Magnus: ROLL HIM UP!
As Jack throws his body back to increase the Figure-Four hold, BEEF stifles a scream of pain and begins to look for an escape.
Phillips: ACES WILD!
Diamond uses his neck to arch his body up, increasing the torque.
Phillips: That extra leverage is doing a lot of work.
Magnus: He’s not going to pin him and BEEF isn’t going to submit.
The referee asks BEEF if he wants to submit but gets a stern shake of the head in response.
Magnus: SEE!
Trying to change the tide, BEEF attempts to roll the hold over but the veteran manages to adjust the hold to negate the attempt.
Phillips: But he can’t get out of the hold…
Changing tact, BEEF sits up and starts to drag Diamond to the ropes.
Magnus: Yet.
Inching closer to the ropes, BEEF starts to smile. Diamond lifts a leg up before slamming it down to slow down the progress.
Phillips: Jack’s trying to shatter his shin!
Magnus: Exactly! We’ll have to train that out of him! Me and El Rey!
BEEF can almost touch the ropes, he pushes back one more time but Diamond drags him back!
Phillips: Agonizingly close for BEEF but the veteran shows why he’s a former X*Crown Champion!
Once more BEEF pushes back…HE MAKES THE ROPES. The referee starts the count:
Magnus: HE BROKE THE HOLD!
ONE!
TWO!
THREE!
FOUR!
Diamond relents and rolls to his feet.
Magnus: Now watch!
BEEF uses the ropes to get up and a slight buckle happens as he stands.
Phillips: That Figure-Four and the Boston Crab might well have served their purpose, BEEF’s leg buckled.
Magnus: I didn’t see that!
As he lets go of the ropes BEEF walks into AN ICON KICK!!!
Phillips: ICON KICK AND THIS TIME IT TAKES HIM OFF HIS FEET!
Dropped to his knees as he caught himself off-balance when he landed the strike. Diamond crawls to the turnbuckle and leaps to the top in one jump.
Magnus: He must have loaded his boot!
FOUR-FIFTY SPLASH!!!!
Magnus: SHUFFLED DECK!!
ONE…
TWO…
THR-
SOMEHOW BEEF KICKS OUT!!!
Magnus: COME ON!!
Jack shakes his head but uses the arm to hoist his opponent to his feet. He whips him into the corner.
Phillips: BEEF’s in trouble and Diamond knows it!
Diamond starts to stomp his feet as the crowd clap along.
*CLAP* *CLAP* *CLAP* *CLAP* CLAP* *CLAP*....
Magnus: He’s turning this place into a circus!
Phillips: Not even a bear in sight…
Jack looks at his opponent and starts to charge. He leaps…
Phillips: DIAMOND SPLASH!!
BEEF TAKES HIM DOWN WITH A WHIPLASH SPINEBUSTER!!!!!
Magnus: HE WAS PLAYING POSSUM!!!
The clap stops immediately.
Magnus can be heard enthusiastically applauding his charge.
Phillips: Will you stop that?!
BEEF pulls the broken Diamond between his legs and lifts.
Magnus: BEEEEEEF BOMB!
HE CHARGES TO THE TURNBUCKLE…
Phillips: BEEF could pull off a huge win…
DIAMOND DROPS DOWN THE BACK!!
Magnus: Body lotion again!!
Phillips: Or experience from a man who has wrestled all over the globe.
BEEF LIFTS HIM WITH AN INVERTED MILITARY PRESS….
Magnus: Watch for the Inverted Powerslam!
AGAIN JACK WIGGLES FREE…SHOTGUN DROPKICK INTO THE CORNER!!!
Phillips: EIGHTY-SIXED!!!
JACK GRABS A CRAVATE LOCK AND RUNS FROM THE TURNBUCKLE BEFORE RUNNING UP THEM…
Magnus: NO!!!!!
ACID DROP DIAMOND CUTTER!!!!!!
Phillips: MODIFIED STACKED DECK!!!!!!
Diamond covers weakly…
ONE…
TWO…
THREE!!!
DING! DING! DING!!
Sylvia Starr: Winner and STILL Tapout Openweight Champion, Jack Diamond.
Magnus: BEEF WAS ROBBED!
Phillips: Diamond retains somehow after defending just last night in SCCW!
Magnus: I can’t believe it.
Phillips: Ladies and Gentlemen, before we go any further into the show, we are contractually obligated to show this footage from after the XHF Rumble went off the air.
Magnus: You don’t have to be quite so bitter, Tom. Our new X*Crown Champion just had some things he wanted to say.
The feed switches to the Gillette Stadium back on the 30th of April, mere moments after Hawke and Randy signed off. The purple confetti settles as King Submaxiswear passes a microphone he’s purloined from somewhere to Bloodied Fox.
Fox: So, ready to be told that I told you so?
His already broad grin threatens to split his head in half as he soaks in the boos from the sellout crowd.
Fox: Tonight is the greatest moment of vindication in the history of the XHF! Not only have I finally taken my rightful place at the top of the mountain, but everything I said, everything I promised, has come to pass.
I told you that Zoran Sainovic’s supposed redemption was a crock of shit all along.
I told you that your scumbag heroes would lie broken at my feet.
I told you that I was too strong to be stopped once I stopped playing by rules that no-one else would follow.
Fox tilts his head back and spreads his arms wide as the boos intensify and garbage starts to pelt the ring, basking in the hatred.
Fox: This is just the beginning! Beg whoever you want to be your saviour, because they will fail. The Era of the Illuminati is here, and the light will burn away any ignorance to the terrible truth: today, you woke to the Reign of Blood.
Fox tosses the mic aside and lifts the custom X*Crown title belt of Dylan Black high as he, Submaxiswear, and SEIRIOS leave, security struggling to hold back the angry fans wanting to swarm them.
As we come back to the arena we find Magnus standing in the ring. A single spotlight is shone on him and the ring lights are dimmed. He clears his throat and looks around at the crowd.
Magnus: A few weeks ago I held a press conference to announce that I had reached a huge cross promotional deal that would eclipse any match ever put on by Zoran or Dylan. At the time we had not come to an agreement on a date. I’m here, alone in the ring, because I can now confirm that this match will happen NEXT!
Magnus lowers the mic as the crowd pop for the big main event, and then a hush overtakes the arena as everyone waits with bated breath waiting for the match announcement.
Magnus: I can officially confirm that tonight’s main event will be for the Bear Necessities Championship with our very own Goldbear II defending against…
Long pause for dramatic effect.
Magnus: CAR’s very own Brittney Beahr.
The crowd goes nuts and Magnus soaks in his successful announcement before rolling out of the ring and returning to the announce table. Now in the the ring for our main event the lesser of the Buffer brothers stands with mic in hand.
Buffer: It is now time for our Main Event of the evening. Already in the ring. He is the GUNS Bear Necessities Champion. He is GOOOOOOOOOLDBEAR TWOOOOOOO!
As if on cue, “The Teddy Bear’s Picnic” by Henry Hall and his Orchestra hits. Instead though of a bear-bedecked girl we’re treated to a tiger-striped VW Beetle driving onto the entrance ramp! The car horn roars (not beeps) at the people in attendance as it slowly drives down to the ring area. And there it sits.
Buffer: And now approaching the ring. Representing CAR. The darling of End of Days. BRIIIIIIITNEY BEEEEEEEEAHR!
As the music and announcements and cheers die down a muffled but continuous scream is now audible. The sound suddenly gets much louder as the passenger-side door of the car swings open and a foot violently pushes the bear-suited Brittney Beahr out. Before she can climb back up the door is already closed and the car retreats up the ramp. Brittney, having been left with no choice, slowly climbs into the ring.
Interfed Superstar Matchup
GUNS Bear Necessities Championship
Goldbear II © vs Brittney Beahr
GUNS Bear Necessities Championship
Goldbear II © vs Brittney Beahr
Brittney looks the large bruin up and down and slowly moves in so as not to alert the large animal. Goldbear II seems interested in the small bear moving towards him and doesn’t attack. Instead, he locks eyes with Brittney and watches as she moves towards him, and then looks at his paw and starts licking sticky residue. Brittney gets within striking distance, but Goldbear II does not attack. No, he allows the small person in the bear suit to reach out and touch him on the chest. She reaches through the fur and begins to tickle(?) the giant grizzly and he falls over on his side. Brittney stays latched on and continues to move her hands around the chest of Goldbear II causing him to roll onto his back. The ref makes the count 1..2…NO, Goldbear II launches Brittney into the air.
Magnus: What the hell is going on here?
Phillips: It seems like he’s enjoying her company?
Magnus: He’s not supposed to do that! This is my big coo. This is my big main event! This is supposed to be a bloodbath!
Phillips: Someone should’ve told Goldbear II that.
Brittney comes falling back down and is going to splat right across Goldbear II’s chest, but the Grizzly catches her and then uses his arms and legs to juggle Brittney in the air like a ball. He tosses her up and catches her then repeats and all that can be heard through the arena is the laughing of Brittney. The fans seem confused at first then they too begin laughing. Laughing because it’s funny or because Magnus’ hyped up main event has turned into a circus side show we don’t know, but the laughing pauses and everyone gasps as Goldbear II launches Brittney high in the air. Brittney exclaims “weeee” as she soars up into the lights and disappears for a second before coming crashing back down. This time Goldbear II does not catch CAR’s Furry hero and she splats across Goldbear II’s chest with a huge splash. The ref counts 1…2…NO, Goldbear II rolls out.
Magnus: Come on Goldy, do something!
Phillips: He is doing something, he’s enjoying himself.
Magnus: Can’t he enjoy himself while winning? We can’t lose another title to CAR!
Goldbear II rolls over on top of Brittney. 1…2…NO! Goldbear II rolls over again now with Brittney on his chest still. 1…2…NO! He rolls again and Brittney is on the mat. 1…2…NO! The duo rolls again and Britney is back on top. 1…2…NO! Again they roll over. 1…2…3! Goldbear II rolls again but it’s too late.
Sylvia Starr: Winner and STILL Bear Neccessities Champion, Goldbear TWWWWWWWOOOOOOOOO
Magnus: Oh thank god. Now cut the feed. I can’t take any more of this.
Before the feed is cut Goldbear II stands up with Brittney still on his chest and sets her down. Brittney looks up at the giant Grizzly and smiles and leaps back onto him for a giant hug, and Goldbear II embraces her back.
Magnus: (Talking to production) Quick. Unlock all the doors and get the people out of here.
With that, Magnus climbs up on the announce table.
Magnus: What a great main event! I’m not saying this is the best star wars themed media ever made, but certainly top three. That is all folks! Thanks for coming-
As Magnus waves the crowd home, Death Trap confronts him.
Death Trap: What about my match with-
Magnus (leading the audience towards the front exit): Zoran never showed. How unprofessional can you get? Looks like he ribbed you...
Trying to put a few hundred fans between them and a curious Trap, Venom joins Magnus at the front of the exit line. The two are flanked by quite a bit of security.
Darth Venom: So we’re leaving with the crowd-
Magnus: Too many bodies for him to pick us out, just make a break for the vehicle-
Unlocking the chain on the front entrance, Magnus throws open the doors-
Magnus: JESUS CHRIST!
Darth Venom: Great, just great.
And almost stumbles to his death. If not for Venom’s fast reflexes grabbing Magnus by the collar, the GUNS owner would have plummeted into the giant hole where the entrance steps used to be. The parking lot has been replaced by a giant sinkhole, large enough to threaten the structural integrity of GUNS Arena.
“...I replaced ze explosives with harmless fireworks for your little Pokémon match. I didn’t want you gentlemen to zink I’d stolen your C4, so I put it to other use...”
A crane simulates hovering as a platform is dragged across the giant crevice towards the crowded edge that represents the Arena’s front door. Rather than bust out a Darth Vader costume, this Sith Lord prefers his black Armani suit.
Zoran Sainovic (taking a long drag on a Lucky 7): A Sarlacc pit!
Along with threatening to consume GUNS Arena, the walls of the giant pit are lined with sharp objects from barbwire to blades.
Magnus: YOU COULD HAVE KILLED ME!
Zoran Sainovic (another drag, exhaling on a bemused smirk): Oh we have plenty of time to settle accounts Magnus, Venom, no tonight- I’m here to play Star Wars with my boy.
Suddenly as Zoran is confronted with the entirety of the GUNS locker room, the crowd parts. We see a frightened bear mascot costume and a woman in polar bear cosplay crawling along the side of the building towards their white striped Tiger VW Beetle, which is on the other side of the precipice.
Zoran Sainovic: Accounts will be settled. (fiendish sneer) ...And if Copycat is any indication of Grandma Mary’s protection... I weep for her actual family tree.
From the middle of the crowd steps forward the apple of the XHF Devil's eye. Death Trap leaps the gap between the entrance and the platform. As Trap lands, the metal begins to move away – putting some distance between the two men and the army of GUNS superstars. Feet firmly on the rusted steel, Death Trap slowly walks up towards the Final Boss. He removes his oddly tight hat and drops it to the ground. He takes off his hoodie and t-shirt and walks right up to Zoran and gets close. Closer than MOST sane people would dare.
Death Trap: You son of a bitch ...
Zoran Sainovic: Zat's no way to discuss your grandmother.
DT holds up his hand and stops Zoran.
Death Trap: No no, we are beyond the playful banter here. You sick, sadistic bastard. What exactly did you gain by torturing yourself this whole time, huh? What was the end game? Why even bother acting nice? Or, better question ... did the kid even really exist? Or were they just actors you hired to later kill off when it fit your story. You know, the Dylan Anal-molly playbook? Is that poor kid six feet under?
Zoran Sainovic: Why is zat a note a jealousy, I’m detecting my boy?
Death Trap: I should have let Fox murder you. But I couldn't bring myself to a) let Fox commit an act from which there really is no recovery from and b) let myself believe anyone is beyond redemption. To think I actually trusted you wanting just a sporting competition ...
He looks at the pit ... he scoffs
Death Trap: I gave up my chance to be the champ, to win the rumble. I could have EASILY won that match had I let Fox burn his energy killing you. Dylan was already half dead. I gave up MY X*Crown ... to make sure you could keep breathing. And now I'm REALLY regretting the fact that I am so good to everyone. Fox is now feeling justified in his horrible decisions, and you get to threaten my friends and family again. Like you always do...
Chaos steps forward and pumps the tranquilizer gun she has on her body. Zoran raises an eyebrow in amusement as Mistress holds her scrappy manager back. DT looks over his shoulder, keeping one eye FIRMLY trained on the conniving Sainovic.
Death Trap: Chaos ... Mistress, get everyone else out of here safely. *cracking his knuckles* This mistake is one I intend to rectify. Zoran, you wanted some ... family bonding time? Fine. Fire up the cantina band ... I'm came here to fight, I intend to get my liter of blood...
Zoran Sainovic: Realistically you'll be needing much more zan one liter after zis, my boy.
Retreating back into the arena, Venom takes stars and fans to a back entrance that can avoid this pit. The crumbling doorway soon only has Magnus and Phillips remaining to bear witness to this bloodbath.
SARLACC PIT DEATH MATCH
Zoran Sainovic vs. Death Trap
Magnus: YOU CAN DO IT, DEATH TRAP! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
Phillips: For your sake, he’d better!
Magnus: What does that mean?
Phillips: Just that on the laundry list of people that messed with Zoran when they thought he was helpless, you and Venom are pretty high on the violent reprisal list.
The two men ram into each other with haymakers, throwing left after right – but neither willing to give an inch. Even as noses and lips are bloodied, it’s almost like the two USE THE FORCE to keep that plasma from trickling. The platform, far more precariously designed than the previous one – shifts under their footsteps, wobbling in a way that threatens to send either man flying over the edge. To compensate for these near falls, while not giving an inch on the fisticuffs, the duo dance around like boxers.
Magnus: That reprisal list doesn’t make sense-
Phillips: Sure, it does. I’m like the only person who didn’t give Zoran shit since his goody two-shoe face began at End of Days, you all are screwed!
Magnus: Nah, Death Trap was relatively good to him- so no reason for this possible homicide to go down.
Zoran Sainovic (grinding a knuckle into Trap’s nose): I was really hurt when you didn’t invite me to your wedding.
Death Trap: Yeah, I guess I forgot to STAMP your invitation.
On STAMP, Trap grinds his foot down onto Sainovic’s ankle, throwing off his balance. More painful for Zoran is that Trap is getting in the Dad jokes. That’s his job! Nostrils flaring in rage, the Final Boss attempts to pluck out one of Trap’s eyeballs. Hooking the arm, Trap pulls him into a short-arm closeline – which almost sends the older man over the edge. Hanging onto the arm, Trap falls backwards with a Japanese armdrag which sends Sainovic airborne-
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
Only Zoran catches a support chain in midair, and swings back down to the safety of the platform – snapping off a sidekick as he lands.
Magnus: DAMN IT!
Phillips: Trap almost taking Sainovic down! I can’t see the bottom of that pit, but from all the spikes, I imagine it’s a hell of a ride.
Magnus: The XHF has only seen one of these matches before... Sainovic beat Marty Donovan.
Phillips: So even losing one doesn’t get digested for a thousand years?
Magnus: Some say that Marty still is... he seems pretty chewed up about the loss.
#SMACK#
#SMACK#
#SMACK#
#SMACK#
#SMACK#
#SMACK#
From punching to kicks, the two men continue to strike away at one another. Every yakuza kick by Sainovic is met with a Kawada kick by Trap. The older man’s suit disguises the damage, but they probably match the same red welts that are forming on Trap’s chest. Sainovic rolls under a question mark kick, then bust out a Pressure Point which Trap leaps over- almost rolling off the edge. Both recovering quickly, they dive at one another with the BREAKDOWN and SICKLE SWING respective. Their shining wizard variations both connect HARD, leaving both men down.
Phillips: Extremely well matched-
Magnus: Well, these two have one another’s numbers. I think everyone expected them to eventually kill one another; it just got slowed down by one of them faking his own death, and the other joining holy tag team matrimony. ...But god willing they kill each other tonight!
Phillips: You know they can hear everything we’re saying right?
Magnus: GIVE HIM HELL, DEATH TRAP!
First up, Trap dives into Sainovic with a Muay Thai knee strike. Pulling the older man into a dragon sleeper, DT uses the hold to drag Zoran towards the edge of the structure. Angling the necklock so that Sainovic’s legs dangle over the edge.
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
Phillips: Trap has him!
Magnus: I’ll create a GUNS world title JUST TO CELEBRATE!
Phillips: Sainovic almost off-
Reaching into his coat, Zoran produces a lightsaber. Maybe it couldn’t cut through a frozen Banta, but when Sainovic shatters the florescent light – the glass does cut deep enough to make Death Trap let go of the hold. Spinning, Zoran crawls back to the safety of the centre, stabbing Trap all the way. Refusing to acknowledge the blood, Trap punches Zoran hard enough in the hand to knock the weapon out. It lands on the edge of the platform. Sainovic leaps for his Star Wars themed shiv, but Trap focuses on a high roundhouse kick that looks to crush Zoran like a bug. Standing on Sainovic, Trap uses his free foot to kick the lightsaber off the side.
Phillips: Is it weird that I’ve missed Zoran stabbing people?
Magnus: It’s weird that it ever went away.
Phillips: Trap locking on a Seattle Stretch – not even trying for the elimination, just making him take the pain. Trap’s going to make Zoran pay for this latest betrayal!
Magnus: Break him in two!
Phillips: Now, if Zoran was faking all those injuries... then he basically threw that match to Fox, right?
Magnus: I’m trying not to think about it.
Phillips: Man, Fox is going to be LIVID when he realizes his big singles victory... was Zoran mocking him. You have to think that would put Zoran pretty high on the title match list-
Magnus: Except when Death Trap is finished with him, the old man will have all the injuries he faked! As far as I’m concerned Trap is eliminating the competition to shoot himself up the X cue!
Using the blood to slide through, Sainovic manages to get an arm out, then rolls through into the Interrogation ’04. This time it’s Zoran who cranks back on the hold, whispering some rather depraved truths into Trap’s ear. Fired up, Trap starts to break the hold, only to roll back-
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Magnus: YES!
Phillips: HERE WE GO!
Both men fall over the edge.
Phillips: Both men dangling off the edge!
Death Trap and Zoran Sainovic both have a hand on the platform, but continue to kick away at one another, jockeying for position.
Death Trap: *Sigh* It's just the fucking Donzig scaffold match all over again... Just with a higher budget...
References to the WUK ace usually don’t go over well with Sainovic, who looks genuinely angry for the first time since the match started.
Zoran Sainovic (spitting mad): What can I say, son? YOU HAVE A LOT FURTHER TO FALL.
Wrapping his legs around Trap in a bodyscissor, Sainovic lets go, trying to dead weight his claimed progeny into the deadly pit.
Phillips: ZORAN DOESN’T EVEN CARE ABOUT WINNING, HE JUST WANTS TO TAKE TRAP DOWN WITH HIM!
Magnus: For Zoran to be willing to do that, there are probably a million pillows at the bottom. Bastard never gets really hurt.
Grabbing the platform with both hands, Death Trap starts to lift himself up – dragging Sainovic along for the ride. Without his trademark hat on, there are veins in his head that don’t normally get this kind of exposure – they are throbbing and look ready to burst, but he picks them both up.
Phillips: HECULEAN STRENGTH ON THE PART OF DEATH TRAP! HOW ON EARTH DID HE GET THEM BOTH UP?
Magnus: From the look on his face, you know Trap thought about just letting go. Anything to make Zoran suffer-
No sooner are both men up, than Zoran turns his body scissors into THE PAIN. Reaching into his suit, Sainovic pulls out a LEGO DARTH VADER figure – and uses a PRESSURE POINT to drive it into Death Trap’s skull. Kicking open a rusty can on the platform, Sainovic produces a large sack... emptying a thousand pieces of Star Wars themed LEGO onto the deck.
Magnus: These two first met up four years ago in LEGO hell; this seems to be a bonding exercise for Zoran-
Phillips: I take it Trap won’t be pleased when he wakes up?
Magnus: Would you?
Lifting Trap up, Sainovic bodyslams him into the lego – shattering more than one AT-AT. Woken by the agony, it takes Death Trap all of a second to remember the feel of LEGO stripping skin. RAGE.
Phillips: Sainovic reaching down going for his Interrogation ’09 – NO! Death Trap catching him with a jawbreaker!
Rather than let Sainovic stagger off, Death Trap bounces up, and nails a BIG body drop right into the Lego! Zoran flails around like that suit didn’t absorb most of the plastic shrapnel, but Trap knows better – and locks on a heel hook to really make the old man flail around in the wretched debris.
Phillips: If that’s how they feel falling on LEGO, imagine them hitting the “teeth” in this sarlacc pit!
Magnus: I’m really hoping...
Not wanting Sainovic to waste any more of his time, which is better spent hunting Fox, Death Trap turns the hook into a leg drag – and launches Zoran off the platform!
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Phillips: OH MY GOD!
Magnus: There he goes!
Death Trap stands triumphant!
...Until a chain attached to a kunai flies up, and wraps around his neck. Before Trap can respond, the chain pulls tight; he gets yanked off his feet and pulled half off the platform. Crawling up the chain, Zoran once again gets onto Trap back, trying to climb back to safety.
Magnus: I swear it’s like Mortal Kombat, not wrestling!
Zoran Sainovic (winded): Didn’t zink you’d get rid of me zat easily?
Death Trap (gasping as the chain chokes him): If... you strike me down... I shall become more ...powerful... than you can possibly… imagine.
Zoran Sainovic (fiendish grin): My boy... (eyes narrow) I’m counting on it.
As cryptic as he his malicious, Sainovic starts to bite into Trap’s shoulder – when he notices something strange. A dart sticking out of his arm. That’s new.
Phillips: Who shot that-
Standing next to the announcers at the edge of the entrance, CHAOS is packing his tranquilizer gun.
Magnus: Nice shot.
Eyes rolling back in his head, Sainovic starts to fall backwards... only he drags Death Trap with him.
Phillips: THEY ARE BOTH GOING OVER!
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#WHHHHHAAAAAACCCCCCHHHHHHAAA#
A loud whip sound is heard, as a whip shoots down and catches Death Trap by the wrist. Now standing with CHAOS, Magnus, and Phillips – Mistress has a whip wrapped around Death Trap, trying to save him, though struggling to hold his weight with Zoran on him.
Phillips: Whoa! Mistress with some INSANE upper body strength.
Magnus thinks about shoving Mistress over the edge, to make sure Zoran turns into a pincushion, but is concerned if anyone lived it might come back to haunt him.
Phillips: How long can she keep this up?
Magnus: She just has to outlast Zoran-
Tranquilizer kicking in, Zoran is starting to lose his grip. The Final Boss is slipping, then sliding off of Death Trap-
Phillips: There he goes!
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A second kunai shoots up, cutting the whip. Death Trap follows Zoran, both men plunging into the darkness of the Sarlacc.
Magnus: YES!
Remembering the company he’s in.
Magnus (turning to Mistress): I’m so sorry.
Phillips: Both Death Trap and Zoran Sainovic doomed to be digested for a thousand years! I’m genuinely concerned that the GUNS Arena is going to slide into this giant pit... so for Magnus, this is Tom Phillips signing off.
The camera pans from the concerned faces of Death Trap’s friends, and delighted faces of Zoran Sainovic’s enemies – to the darkness that threatens to engulf GUNS.
