Don't let the frostbite bite. (XHF Tag Match)
Jul 25, 2023 9:12:14 GMT -5
Mongo the Destroyer, Dave D-Flipz, and 3 more like this
Post by Visit Neom on Jul 25, 2023 9:12:14 GMT -5
(The shot fades up on the exhibit hall of a comic convention. This is secret footage being recorded from behind a pile of Hamtaro plushies. Marty Donovan, dressed as Kristoff from Frozen, sits at a booth and watches a promo on a tablet. He shakes his head and talks to someone off screen.)
Marty: Honestly, I have more questions than answers. Was Cain wandering around the woods until he found a cocoon or did he raise a caterpillar like a second grader? How did he time it? Was that whole whiny ass promo delivered on loop, just ranting for six hours until the butterfly hatched? Little Pete wouldn’t last a day in Hardkore World with these pretentious student films.
(The shot zooms out to show a horrified Deacon Oldham sitting next to him.)
Deacon: Are you not seeing this?
(A parade of furries march by waving flags and honking horns.)
Marty: Seeing what?
Deacon: These grown adults that have had their minds rotted by your juvenile cartoons!
Marty: Oh, that isn’t a Disney thing. It’s just some people showcasing their personal fursonas.
Deacon: Their what?
Marty: It’s sort of like a spirit animal, but sweatier.
(Deacon leans back in his chair, defeated.)
Deacon: We’re never going to be able to defend Taiwan.
Marty: Why don’t they want to be part of China? That country has two Disney parks!
(Deacon studies Marty for a minute in a silent disbelief.)
Deacon: What the fuck does she like about you?
(Marty shrugs.)
Marty: I’m just a #Kristoffcutie.
Deacon: You look ridiculous, like a grom about to go down the bunny slope.
Marty: You’re right. As a tag team we need synergy.
(Marty reaches into his bag and offers him a Sven hat with protruding antlers.)
Deacon: Hell no.
Marty: Come on, man. You’ve murdered countless caribou. Embrace your fursona.
Deacon: We should be in the gym training, not hanging out in this nerd nest.
Marty: There is more to wrestling than weightlifting. If you want to make it in this business then you need to learn to hide your disdain when taking overpriced, blurry selfies.
Deacon: The only thing I want right now is to make sure my daughter is safe.
Marty: What? She’s judging the kids’ costume contest.
Deacon: And who’s defending her from the furball freaks we just saw?
Marty: They wouldn’t be interested in Olivia. She’s not an eight foot tall, neon green shark. I’ll check the time if it makes you feel better.
(Marty raises his arm to look at a fancy Mickey Mouse watch. Deacon writhes in discomfort.)
Deacon: The costumes are bad enough. Do you have to wear that stupid happy meal prize?
Marty: This piece was two grand.
Deacon: Are you out of your mind?
Marty: That’s a good deal. It comes out to like less than two hundred per Mickey.
Deacon: I can not wait for Olivia to dump your sorry ass.
Marty: Then why did you ask her to give me another chance?
(Deacon is caught off guard by this and takes a long sip of water.)
Deacon: Does that sound like something I would ever do?
Marty: Not in the slightest, but Ollie said you did.
Deacon: It was loud in the bar. She must have misheard me.
(Marty nods. There is a long pause.)
Marty: You won’t regret it. I promise.
(Deacon leaps out of his seat and flails around as if a spider crawled down his shirt.)
Deacon: Don’t say that sappy shit! Dear lord, it’s like you’re trying to have a moment with me.
(Marty lowers his eye, dejected. Deacon sighs before putting on the Sven hat. Sitting back down, he grabs Marty’s wrist and removes the Mickey watch.)
Deacon: Look, I accept defeat on your costume obsession. Can you at least, for my daughter's sake, wear a normal, respectable timepiece?
Marty: Sure, I have one that looks like R2-D2.
(Deacon lets out a groan before placing his own watch on Marty’s wrist.)
Deacon: There! Keep it! Now tell me about our opponents.
Marty: Cut Throat Chaos aren’t like Off The Wagon. These guys are actually competent wrestlers. Storms is 6’3 and yoked out of his mind. Thankfully he has a title match earlier on the show and won’t be facing us with a full tank. Daigo is much smaller, but a former XHF Junior champion. Guy’s a complete lunatic too. We have to keep him grounded and tire out Hunter.
(Two men in Navy uniforms walk by. Deacon grows furious.)
Deacon: Son of a bitch! Aquamarine colored wolves are one thing, but stolen valor is too far.
Marty: I think those guys are actual sailors.
(Deacon's eyes go wide.)
Deacon: I’m writing to the Inspector General. This is not God’s intended use of shore leave.
Marty: No, they’re working. All the different branches usually have booths for recruitment.
(Deacon leaps out of his seat and knocks over a stack of headshots.)
Deacon: Recruiting! From this selection of pond scum? Absolutely not. It’s time to pull rank.
(He storms away. From the opposite direction appears Ollie dressed as Frozen’s Anna. She can’t take more than three steps without another small child running over for a photo, but eventually reaches the booth. She scratches Marty’s beard.)
Ollie: You’re just a #Kristoffcutie.
Marty: How was the contest?
Ollie: Adorable. Tinto won most creative for his cosplay from New Jack City.
Marty: Your father asked about the match again.
Ollie: My dad can’t do another fight, Marty. He’s not a young man.
Marty: I know, but last time was a literal cake walk. We annihilated Off The Wagon.
Ollie: This is different. These guys are competent wrestlers. You have to throw the match.
Marty: I just think wrestling really helped with his midlife crisis. Besides, the man hates me enough as is. Imagine how bad things will get if he realizes I took a pin to protect him. He just bullied me into wearing this boring watch.
(Ollie does a double take, not believing her eyes.)
Ollie: Marty, that’s a Navy Seal watch. It's his favorite one from back in Bosnia.
Marty: What a total hypocrite, always criticizing us for going on cruises. How convenient a sophisticated, continental vacay slipped his mind.
Ollie: He was hunting war criminals.
Marty: I’m sure there was a little time for sightseeing.
(One of the sailors runs into frame sobbing. Numerous security guards sprint in the opposite direction.)
Ollie: Oh no. I better go smooth things over.
(Ollie runs off to find her father. Conflicted, Marty looks at Deacon’s present for a moment before singing.)
Marty: Furries are better than people…
(The shot fades out as Marty ponders what to do.)
Marty: Honestly, I have more questions than answers. Was Cain wandering around the woods until he found a cocoon or did he raise a caterpillar like a second grader? How did he time it? Was that whole whiny ass promo delivered on loop, just ranting for six hours until the butterfly hatched? Little Pete wouldn’t last a day in Hardkore World with these pretentious student films.
(The shot zooms out to show a horrified Deacon Oldham sitting next to him.)
Deacon: Are you not seeing this?
(A parade of furries march by waving flags and honking horns.)
Marty: Seeing what?
Deacon: These grown adults that have had their minds rotted by your juvenile cartoons!
Marty: Oh, that isn’t a Disney thing. It’s just some people showcasing their personal fursonas.
Deacon: Their what?
Marty: It’s sort of like a spirit animal, but sweatier.
(Deacon leans back in his chair, defeated.)
Deacon: We’re never going to be able to defend Taiwan.
Marty: Why don’t they want to be part of China? That country has two Disney parks!
(Deacon studies Marty for a minute in a silent disbelief.)
Deacon: What the fuck does she like about you?
(Marty shrugs.)
Marty: I’m just a #Kristoffcutie.
Deacon: You look ridiculous, like a grom about to go down the bunny slope.
Marty: You’re right. As a tag team we need synergy.
(Marty reaches into his bag and offers him a Sven hat with protruding antlers.)
Deacon: Hell no.
Marty: Come on, man. You’ve murdered countless caribou. Embrace your fursona.
Deacon: We should be in the gym training, not hanging out in this nerd nest.
Marty: There is more to wrestling than weightlifting. If you want to make it in this business then you need to learn to hide your disdain when taking overpriced, blurry selfies.
Deacon: The only thing I want right now is to make sure my daughter is safe.
Marty: What? She’s judging the kids’ costume contest.
Deacon: And who’s defending her from the furball freaks we just saw?
Marty: They wouldn’t be interested in Olivia. She’s not an eight foot tall, neon green shark. I’ll check the time if it makes you feel better.
(Marty raises his arm to look at a fancy Mickey Mouse watch. Deacon writhes in discomfort.)
Deacon: The costumes are bad enough. Do you have to wear that stupid happy meal prize?
Marty: This piece was two grand.
Deacon: Are you out of your mind?
Marty: That’s a good deal. It comes out to like less than two hundred per Mickey.
Deacon: I can not wait for Olivia to dump your sorry ass.
Marty: Then why did you ask her to give me another chance?
(Deacon is caught off guard by this and takes a long sip of water.)
Deacon: Does that sound like something I would ever do?
Marty: Not in the slightest, but Ollie said you did.
Deacon: It was loud in the bar. She must have misheard me.
(Marty nods. There is a long pause.)
Marty: You won’t regret it. I promise.
(Deacon leaps out of his seat and flails around as if a spider crawled down his shirt.)
Deacon: Don’t say that sappy shit! Dear lord, it’s like you’re trying to have a moment with me.
(Marty lowers his eye, dejected. Deacon sighs before putting on the Sven hat. Sitting back down, he grabs Marty’s wrist and removes the Mickey watch.)
Deacon: Look, I accept defeat on your costume obsession. Can you at least, for my daughter's sake, wear a normal, respectable timepiece?
Marty: Sure, I have one that looks like R2-D2.
(Deacon lets out a groan before placing his own watch on Marty’s wrist.)
Deacon: There! Keep it! Now tell me about our opponents.
Marty: Cut Throat Chaos aren’t like Off The Wagon. These guys are actually competent wrestlers. Storms is 6’3 and yoked out of his mind. Thankfully he has a title match earlier on the show and won’t be facing us with a full tank. Daigo is much smaller, but a former XHF Junior champion. Guy’s a complete lunatic too. We have to keep him grounded and tire out Hunter.
(Two men in Navy uniforms walk by. Deacon grows furious.)
Deacon: Son of a bitch! Aquamarine colored wolves are one thing, but stolen valor is too far.
Marty: I think those guys are actual sailors.
(Deacon's eyes go wide.)
Deacon: I’m writing to the Inspector General. This is not God’s intended use of shore leave.
Marty: No, they’re working. All the different branches usually have booths for recruitment.
(Deacon leaps out of his seat and knocks over a stack of headshots.)
Deacon: Recruiting! From this selection of pond scum? Absolutely not. It’s time to pull rank.
(He storms away. From the opposite direction appears Ollie dressed as Frozen’s Anna. She can’t take more than three steps without another small child running over for a photo, but eventually reaches the booth. She scratches Marty’s beard.)
Ollie: You’re just a #Kristoffcutie.
Marty: How was the contest?
Ollie: Adorable. Tinto won most creative for his cosplay from New Jack City.
Marty: Your father asked about the match again.
Ollie: My dad can’t do another fight, Marty. He’s not a young man.
Marty: I know, but last time was a literal cake walk. We annihilated Off The Wagon.
Ollie: This is different. These guys are competent wrestlers. You have to throw the match.
Marty: I just think wrestling really helped with his midlife crisis. Besides, the man hates me enough as is. Imagine how bad things will get if he realizes I took a pin to protect him. He just bullied me into wearing this boring watch.
(Ollie does a double take, not believing her eyes.)
Ollie: Marty, that’s a Navy Seal watch. It's his favorite one from back in Bosnia.
Marty: What a total hypocrite, always criticizing us for going on cruises. How convenient a sophisticated, continental vacay slipped his mind.
Ollie: He was hunting war criminals.
Marty: I’m sure there was a little time for sightseeing.
(One of the sailors runs into frame sobbing. Numerous security guards sprint in the opposite direction.)
Ollie: Oh no. I better go smooth things over.
(Ollie runs off to find her father. Conflicted, Marty looks at Deacon’s present for a moment before singing.)
Marty: Furries are better than people…
(The shot fades out as Marty ponders what to do.)