The Hairiest Place On Earth! [Primal House of Mouse Show]

[Dave D-Flipz]

: "OH WHAT A TIME TO BE IN EXISTENCE! All these fools coming to rumble on an island in a theme park to win the rights to do some fun theme park things or a cruise or something. Do they not realize we’re already IN the park? Come my compadres, let’s go do whatever the hell we want!"

Primal sprints up to the gate, he is wearing a purple cape with a gold coin shaped clasp over his chest, and he has blue shredded capri length pants on. Behind him strolls Buttons, painted white and colored with spots. And then there’s Godzilla … who just seems to have papier Mache wings on. As they get to the gate to the Magic Kingdom, they are stopped by the Disney cast member in charge of admission.

: "Sir … do you have tickets? We also have a strict policy about dressing as characters in the park."

: "DO I… why I think someone is in need of some brushing up on events. I AM a cast member *kinda* for the big event going down here to celebrate that poor child’s birthday! And also the 7 year old."

: "I find that highly hard to believe."

: "Just ask the Disney people. I am here to be the Beast!"

: "A cape and pants do not-"

*Primal looks down and laughs. He holds up his finger to pause the dweeb at the ticket turnstyle. His hair forms into a full on Beast headpiece and his back hair drifts out to form a tail.*

: "I TOLD YOU TO STAY OUT OF THIS WING OF THE CASTLE!"

*Suddenly there’s something there that wasn’t there before … as the ticket guy pees himself. He swallows hard and regains some of his composure.*

: "That is admittedly … fairly horrifying. And what about your corgi? He doesn’t have a service animal vest on!"

: "He’s one of the 101 Dalmations! Perdi, Pongo, and Buttons!"

: "BORK BARK SPOT! Grrrrrrrrr…"

: "Were I Cruella De Vil I would not be put out by that …"

: "Well naturally, she wants to skin him alive! If she doesn’t scare you no evil thing will! And she doesn’t scare me."

: "That is a corgi."

: "If you had a fire truck around here I could prove it to you. Are you really going to go against the word of Marty Donovan? This is Buttons. Have you memorized the names of all 102 Dalmations? I haven’t! I bet you haven’t! Now let him in!"

*Buttons leans in like he is about to either pee on or bite the poor teenager who sighs and waves them through. He suddenly sees Godzilla and pees again.*

: "BWAAAAAH! No way is THAT coming in!"

: "WHAT? But my little lady is Maleficent!"

: "Your girlfriend is THIRTY STORIES HIGH AND BREATHING FIRE!"

: "Uh … animatronics. She’s the finale. Tinto is going to slay her for the big ending of the show."

: "NOOOO! No villains are supposed to be here! Other than the wrestlers who like to … stab … people."

: "Did I say Maleficent? I meant the Good Dinosaur."

*Godzilla tosses off her wings and gives the sweetest reptilian smile possible from the only murder lizard in XHF. She still looks horrifying. The worker cowers but puts his foot down … in a puddle of piss that has run down his leg … and he slips and almost falls but catches the turnstyle to save himself … and it spins counting another entry.*

: "Ah good lad. Ok … uh … Dinosaur … let’s get to the rehearsal area … *wink wink nudge nudge*"

---

*We cut to a montage of Primal and Buttons in the Magic Kingdom doing all the things they want to do. They scare the kids off the Seven Dwarves Mine Train and ride it three times in a row. Cut to Primal spreading ashes inside the Haunted Mansion ride.*

: "Sir you can’t spread your family members’ ashes in the ride!"

: "Family? I found this at the creamatorium last night!"

*The montage now flips to Primal and Buttons drinking with the animatronic Jack Sparrow in the Pirates of the Caribbean ride. Cut again to Godzilla standing in the stroller area, sighing in being too large for the rides. Cut to Primal and Buttons somehow inside the closed down Splash Mountain and the ride is running. Primal is standing up and they both flash the camera. Cut to Primal being accosted by Disney security as he shows his fast pass … which is made of hair … and then he shows them a picture of Marty Donovan and threatens to call him and security backs off. Cut to Primal smoking a cigar inside the waiting line for the Small World ride as kids cough and sputter and vomit everywhere. Next cut to Buttons dancing with the little animatronic kids.*

: "BIFF A BORK BORK BAAAARKBARK BARK! BIFF A BORK BORK BARK!"

*Cut to Primal and Buttons signing autographs for the kids as Beast and Buttons the Dalmation. For one ornery kid Primal signs it “Mickey Mouse”. Cut to Disney Security having a pow wow with Godzilla and we see one pull out his phone to try and dial Marty Donovan.*

: "WHY IS HE ALWAYS BUSY!?"

*Cut back to Primal and Buttons eating massive churros walking down main street USA. Then cut to them hustling money from kids in one of the arcades while playing air hockey. Cut to Primal selling knock off Disney merch outside the merch shops, made of his hair of course. Very high quality official looking fake Disney merch. One even has Marty Donovan in the picture and it says, “Walt’s favorite Disney Princess”. Cut to Primal literally punting a small child out of line and climbing onto the Dumbo ride and breaking it. Finally we end on the Seven Seas where the rumble takes place.*

: "Ladies and Gentlemen of Disney! I am the Hairman of the Board, the Beast of the North! And this is what you have to look forward to at the show!"

*His hair lashes out in all directions, catching seven small children. He flexes and his hair launches them into the water and as each one lands …*

: "Sleepy, Sneezy, Happy, Dopey (who kind of looks like Marty Donovan), Grumpy (who kind of looks like Tinto), Bashful, and …. Wait for it …. *SPLASH* DOC! YOUR WINNER! PRIMAL!!!!!"

*A fun time had by all. Primal grabs Buttons and they sprint away from Disney Security again laughing as they do. Security is still trying to get a hold of Marty, or Ollie, or SOMEONE to help them. Quick cut to Godzilla in the Animal Kingdom … we see her stalking a giraffe …*