HOW. [FML at Hardkore Heaven]
Aug 25, 2023 13:25:02 GMT -5
Kira Izumi, Jesse Jamester, and 1 more like this
Post by flo on Aug 25, 2023 13:25:02 GMT -5
Braves congregate around tipis, sitting on the sandy ground. One indigenous person enters the settlement though a stream of water, via canoe. Two more braves approach from the north on horseback. Even if the tribes are impossible to distinguish, it acts as a quaint slice of Native American life - at least until the sky is filled by giant reptilian eyes.
"Joey Little Horse."
Florida Man assembles a LEGO set 6763 - Rapid River Village. The fact that these plastic figurines had viewers convinced that they were in a real Native village, suggests that we should all stop smoking meth, or at least take some time to learn about Indigenous peoples - and basic anatomy.
Florida Man:
...Yo Joe to the E, seems like we gots ourselves a little date with the diggity dang LEGO. At first I was all "yo Jonnie V and Nauseous S mocking us with the toys?" Then I tried eating one. DAAAAAAANG! That higgity hard plastic cuts cleaner than Ginsu...... so adding thumbtacks to the mix seems like overkill. I don't wanna piece of LEGO tacked to my ass like a reminder "Yo you forget to step on this." Damn cold. By the time our match is done, Joey, we're gonna look like shredded cheese! I know why Nauseating S is jealous of my superior Sky Force. ....But why does Jonnie V hate you? Besides the obvious.
A reptilian claw holds up one of the native warriors, Tonto.
Florida Man:
Yo, this here is Tonto. My peeps at LEGO dropped this bad boi to cash-in on the last Lone Ranger documentary. That means they put it out a dang decade ago... and is basically Johnny Depp as Jack Sparrow. Now I didn't go to Florida State as a social studies major - more of a minor - but does Jack Sparrow really count as an "Indian" to the cowboy toys? Nah. Probably not, but if we don't count Tonto here... you're looking at ANOTHER decade since LEGO put out a native toy. Why? 'cause kids think "Cowboys and Indians" is lame? Only you can answer how popular 1930s westerns are now, Joey... I mean Dinosaurs sure seem to be the new period piece of choice. OR is it just that the idea of gun totting cattle punchers and the racist stereotypes that shoot arrows at them is a hard sell in these modern dang times? If I won a cool million on scratch'n'win tickets - and invested in LEGO stock, I certainly wouldn't touch these western sets with a twelve foot crack pipe. ...............Just like if I'd been approached about appearing on Hardkore Heaven - I'd have said, I'M DIGGITY DOWN - just no white dudes raised on Cherokee reservations because this is 2023 and its insanely offensive to think that in the 90s, Cherokees wouldn't report an infant to the proper authorities like they were a tribe of apes or wolves. You act like you're dang Kasper Hauser, Joey.
The gator-faced luchador tosses Tonto back into Rapid River Village.
Florida Man:
Let's paint the diggity dang scene. I spend MONTHS BEGGING J-ROK to book me. I tell 'em "HEY, if I want a real shot at Night of Champions, I should kind of look like an active performer so the audience go, yeah, I recognize that sexy ass gator, he sold me that crack that made Heather OD, he might have a chance." Only owing to some misunderstandings with Glass Jaw Kira and Nauseating S, J-RoK don't bite - so instead I make guest spots in GUNS, WUK, BONES, CAR, HKW - busting my ass because my home fed don't gots my back. I'm built the hells up. Just not in fucking J-RoK.
And if any member of the Florida Nation thinks J-RoK has my biggity back - just look at Night 'o' Champions.
I had that match won.
So why am I not the X*Crown champ, you ask? 'cause ES "Can't get it done in the ring, but after weeks of being salty is a real big man for blindside tag attacks" MUR, stole the crown from me. Fox can beat his drum about being champ all he wants, but watch the dang match, the simple truth is - this JOKE - had his number, and it was only an SCCW tag team that kept Foxie on his paper throne. The Nihilists caught me by surprise, because I just assumed you had to WIN at Overheated to appear at the end of NOC. Apparently losing is acceptable too. Blew my dang mind. Point is, anyone else has a non-participant federation steal their victory, and their homefed is usually on the horn about rematches, title shots, or at least compensation. You think Jonnie V or Mr.Blood would have done their talent that way? Hells no. Words would have been said. Not J-RoK. I doubt Nauseating Suzuki even watched the show. So here we is - weeks later, your boi still hasn't been approached about a program with Esmur - almost like the run-in was just to make that Nihilist feel good, or to fuck me over, but in terms of business? NOTHING. It's like screwing me didn't matter.
......I spend months begging for a televised match with J-RoK........ and after getting gang assaulted in the main event on the biggest stage in our industry, where my Miami tanned profile is as high as its gonna get, and I could really use a diggity dang decent follow-up... they FINALLY give me a lower midcard brawl against a.... White Male of European background who wears a loincloth because he was a foundling on a Cherokee reservation who apparently didn't have the number for social services because God knows they didn't have enough problems of their own. A regular 21st century Tarzan.
Let it sink in.
Florida Man:
Who is the real Florida Man here? You know I usually thiggity think I'm the only XHF star popping pills... but at the moment, I might be the ONLY ONE NOT ON DRUGS.
Fucking. Insane.
The Man from Florida shakes his head in disgust.
Florida Man:
I really hope I'm famous under this mask, because if I'm not successful as someone else... my treatment in the XHF has been shameful.
Where is the lie? The gator shakes off his existential crisis, because he's a pro.
Florida Man:
I frequently get my wine on, so maybe it's just bitter grapes. Ever since I became the TapOut booker*, I know how hard it is to keep everyone happy. Like spinning dang plates. Perhaps I'm give Nausicaä, and Kira before them - a hard time for nothing?
*that is the lie.
Florida Man:
ONLY... my homefed peeps, J-RoK, are running two joint shows this month, one where they take on Hardkore World. The other where they take on Wrestle: United Kingdom. BLOODY HELL, I just happen to be a WUK champion. What are the odds? Great federation. I hold their tag gold with Hardkore World's Marty Donovan. A J-RoK star with WUK gold? Seems like a pretty good lock for the J-RoK/WUK show, right? I mean, I get along well with the WUK fans... think they'd like having me there. Certainly I'd be the only J-RoK star not getting booed if I win a match. Makes sense on paper, right? But they couldn't have me for both shows - that kind of treatment only goes for shifty drifters like Hermit Kira. So as awesomesauce as Florida Man on WUK would have been... our HKW match is TOO DANG important! Oh, a big showdown with Marty Donovan? "Why would we do that?" The greatest death match in the history of the XHF against Sheik? "What's a Sheik?" Well........ what pairing is so important J-RoK? "Joey. Little. Horse." ....fuck.
Now WUK shouldn't take this as a sliggity slight - J-RoK don't know I'm a champ in the UK. Nothing personal, the simple truth is that J-RoK management doesn't watch your program. Seems like they probably should have faked it for the one month they were on a good will mission, but what do I know? I'm from Florida.
.......A late addition, they added a 30 man battle Royale to the WUK joint... J-RoK sent 17 men for it... but apparently sending a WUK champion to that match would have made no sense. .........And I'm supposed to defend their honour against the Hardkore World? I'm half tempted to lose on principle....
So they got dang lucky my opponent is Joey Little Horse.
....Joey, everything about your implausible origin story makes me shake with rage. That ain't the bath salts, you really get under my skin. You rep a form of bigoted villainy that I hoped our sport had give up on forty years ago. ...But as angry as you make me, I'm not going to be thinking about your bleach bone hair as I scalp you with LEGO... oh hells to the nos. I'm gonna be pretending you're Kira, Nausicaä, Hayley, Charles, Esmur, Fox - basically everyone on my literal shit list, I'm taking my hatred for them out on you. Which ain't fair to you, Joey. Sorry about that. ...Also it lets me fantasize that I'm wrestling them, and not in the ring with a fucking WRESTLING INDIAN in the year 2023. Jesus H. Christ.
Apparently our hate crime is for the HKW California championship. You said that you don't think I've done anything to earn the shiggity shot, Joey. True, but apparently you're a fighting champ. Fox should take notes. Now I'm always wary of interpromotional title matches, politics and all that jazz. WUK was real good about giving me and Marty a fair shake in their Revolution - but that is the exception to the rule. Usually the federation that is ponying up the belt has their ref officiating, not saying it's fixed, but there is a familiarity, so you rarely see titles change claws.
Now I beat you for the California strap, then I'll look forward to defending it against you in HKW. You beat me? Well... feels like a nice exclamation point to my J-RoK experience. See I have given my homefed every opportunity to make the most of my Sunshine State Superstardom, and no reflection on you, Little Horse, but I'm going to need a little horse to get me through the evening. So I win, see you in Hardkore Word as a J-RoK invader... I lose? And this will be my last J-RoK match. ...And if I'm being true to my Floridian soul? I'm half thinking of LAYING DOWN and making an angel in the LEGO.
Because honestly, what better dang final J-RoK opponent than Joey Little Horse?
Nodding, Florida Man closes the door on the 711's microwave, where he has bee playing with the LEGO figures. Punching in a minute, Florida watches as the offensive Indigenous stereotypes melt away.
Nametag Melvin:
Damn it, Mister Man - I just cleaned that!
Florida Man:
I'm trying to illustrate a point on scorched earth booking, Nametag Melvin.
Nametag Melvin:
The Couche-Tard down the street has a microwave too!
Florida Man:
........Those snobs banned me for using their name as a substitute for mental development problems.
Nametag Melvin:
I'm sure they just don't know you.
Banned. Florida Man lowers his head in shame. Nametag Melvin, who will put in an extra three hours of overtime trying to salvage the 711's microwave, puts a sympathetic hand on his shoulder. The existential crisis kicks in again.
This is the end.
"Joey Little Horse."
Florida Man assembles a LEGO set 6763 - Rapid River Village. The fact that these plastic figurines had viewers convinced that they were in a real Native village, suggests that we should all stop smoking meth, or at least take some time to learn about Indigenous peoples - and basic anatomy.
Florida Man:
...Yo Joe to the E, seems like we gots ourselves a little date with the diggity dang LEGO. At first I was all "yo Jonnie V and Nauseous S mocking us with the toys?" Then I tried eating one. DAAAAAAANG! That higgity hard plastic cuts cleaner than Ginsu...... so adding thumbtacks to the mix seems like overkill. I don't wanna piece of LEGO tacked to my ass like a reminder "Yo you forget to step on this." Damn cold. By the time our match is done, Joey, we're gonna look like shredded cheese! I know why Nauseating S is jealous of my superior Sky Force. ....But why does Jonnie V hate you? Besides the obvious.
A reptilian claw holds up one of the native warriors, Tonto.
Florida Man:
Yo, this here is Tonto. My peeps at LEGO dropped this bad boi to cash-in on the last Lone Ranger documentary. That means they put it out a dang decade ago... and is basically Johnny Depp as Jack Sparrow. Now I didn't go to Florida State as a social studies major - more of a minor - but does Jack Sparrow really count as an "Indian" to the cowboy toys? Nah. Probably not, but if we don't count Tonto here... you're looking at ANOTHER decade since LEGO put out a native toy. Why? 'cause kids think "Cowboys and Indians" is lame? Only you can answer how popular 1930s westerns are now, Joey... I mean Dinosaurs sure seem to be the new period piece of choice. OR is it just that the idea of gun totting cattle punchers and the racist stereotypes that shoot arrows at them is a hard sell in these modern dang times? If I won a cool million on scratch'n'win tickets - and invested in LEGO stock, I certainly wouldn't touch these western sets with a twelve foot crack pipe. ...............Just like if I'd been approached about appearing on Hardkore Heaven - I'd have said, I'M DIGGITY DOWN - just no white dudes raised on Cherokee reservations because this is 2023 and its insanely offensive to think that in the 90s, Cherokees wouldn't report an infant to the proper authorities like they were a tribe of apes or wolves. You act like you're dang Kasper Hauser, Joey.
The gator-faced luchador tosses Tonto back into Rapid River Village.
Florida Man:
Let's paint the diggity dang scene. I spend MONTHS BEGGING J-ROK to book me. I tell 'em "HEY, if I want a real shot at Night of Champions, I should kind of look like an active performer so the audience go, yeah, I recognize that sexy ass gator, he sold me that crack that made Heather OD, he might have a chance." Only owing to some misunderstandings with Glass Jaw Kira and Nauseating S, J-RoK don't bite - so instead I make guest spots in GUNS, WUK, BONES, CAR, HKW - busting my ass because my home fed don't gots my back. I'm built the hells up. Just not in fucking J-RoK.
And if any member of the Florida Nation thinks J-RoK has my biggity back - just look at Night 'o' Champions.
I had that match won.
So why am I not the X*Crown champ, you ask? 'cause ES "Can't get it done in the ring, but after weeks of being salty is a real big man for blindside tag attacks" MUR, stole the crown from me. Fox can beat his drum about being champ all he wants, but watch the dang match, the simple truth is - this JOKE - had his number, and it was only an SCCW tag team that kept Foxie on his paper throne. The Nihilists caught me by surprise, because I just assumed you had to WIN at Overheated to appear at the end of NOC. Apparently losing is acceptable too. Blew my dang mind. Point is, anyone else has a non-participant federation steal their victory, and their homefed is usually on the horn about rematches, title shots, or at least compensation. You think Jonnie V or Mr.Blood would have done their talent that way? Hells no. Words would have been said. Not J-RoK. I doubt Nauseating Suzuki even watched the show. So here we is - weeks later, your boi still hasn't been approached about a program with Esmur - almost like the run-in was just to make that Nihilist feel good, or to fuck me over, but in terms of business? NOTHING. It's like screwing me didn't matter.
......I spend months begging for a televised match with J-RoK........ and after getting gang assaulted in the main event on the biggest stage in our industry, where my Miami tanned profile is as high as its gonna get, and I could really use a diggity dang decent follow-up... they FINALLY give me a lower midcard brawl against a.... White Male of European background who wears a loincloth because he was a foundling on a Cherokee reservation who apparently didn't have the number for social services because God knows they didn't have enough problems of their own. A regular 21st century Tarzan.
Let it sink in.
Florida Man:
Who is the real Florida Man here? You know I usually thiggity think I'm the only XHF star popping pills... but at the moment, I might be the ONLY ONE NOT ON DRUGS.
Fucking. Insane.
The Man from Florida shakes his head in disgust.
Florida Man:
I really hope I'm famous under this mask, because if I'm not successful as someone else... my treatment in the XHF has been shameful.
Where is the lie? The gator shakes off his existential crisis, because he's a pro.
Florida Man:
I frequently get my wine on, so maybe it's just bitter grapes. Ever since I became the TapOut booker*, I know how hard it is to keep everyone happy. Like spinning dang plates. Perhaps I'm give Nausicaä, and Kira before them - a hard time for nothing?
*that is the lie.
Florida Man:
ONLY... my homefed peeps, J-RoK, are running two joint shows this month, one where they take on Hardkore World. The other where they take on Wrestle: United Kingdom. BLOODY HELL, I just happen to be a WUK champion. What are the odds? Great federation. I hold their tag gold with Hardkore World's Marty Donovan. A J-RoK star with WUK gold? Seems like a pretty good lock for the J-RoK/WUK show, right? I mean, I get along well with the WUK fans... think they'd like having me there. Certainly I'd be the only J-RoK star not getting booed if I win a match. Makes sense on paper, right? But they couldn't have me for both shows - that kind of treatment only goes for shifty drifters like Hermit Kira. So as awesomesauce as Florida Man on WUK would have been... our HKW match is TOO DANG important! Oh, a big showdown with Marty Donovan? "Why would we do that?" The greatest death match in the history of the XHF against Sheik? "What's a Sheik?" Well........ what pairing is so important J-RoK? "Joey. Little. Horse." ....fuck.
Now WUK shouldn't take this as a sliggity slight - J-RoK don't know I'm a champ in the UK. Nothing personal, the simple truth is that J-RoK management doesn't watch your program. Seems like they probably should have faked it for the one month they were on a good will mission, but what do I know? I'm from Florida.
.......A late addition, they added a 30 man battle Royale to the WUK joint... J-RoK sent 17 men for it... but apparently sending a WUK champion to that match would have made no sense. .........And I'm supposed to defend their honour against the Hardkore World? I'm half tempted to lose on principle....
So they got dang lucky my opponent is Joey Little Horse.
....Joey, everything about your implausible origin story makes me shake with rage. That ain't the bath salts, you really get under my skin. You rep a form of bigoted villainy that I hoped our sport had give up on forty years ago. ...But as angry as you make me, I'm not going to be thinking about your bleach bone hair as I scalp you with LEGO... oh hells to the nos. I'm gonna be pretending you're Kira, Nausicaä, Hayley, Charles, Esmur, Fox - basically everyone on my literal shit list, I'm taking my hatred for them out on you. Which ain't fair to you, Joey. Sorry about that. ...Also it lets me fantasize that I'm wrestling them, and not in the ring with a fucking WRESTLING INDIAN in the year 2023. Jesus H. Christ.
Apparently our hate crime is for the HKW California championship. You said that you don't think I've done anything to earn the shiggity shot, Joey. True, but apparently you're a fighting champ. Fox should take notes. Now I'm always wary of interpromotional title matches, politics and all that jazz. WUK was real good about giving me and Marty a fair shake in their Revolution - but that is the exception to the rule. Usually the federation that is ponying up the belt has their ref officiating, not saying it's fixed, but there is a familiarity, so you rarely see titles change claws.
Now I beat you for the California strap, then I'll look forward to defending it against you in HKW. You beat me? Well... feels like a nice exclamation point to my J-RoK experience. See I have given my homefed every opportunity to make the most of my Sunshine State Superstardom, and no reflection on you, Little Horse, but I'm going to need a little horse to get me through the evening. So I win, see you in Hardkore Word as a J-RoK invader... I lose? And this will be my last J-RoK match. ...And if I'm being true to my Floridian soul? I'm half thinking of LAYING DOWN and making an angel in the LEGO.
Because honestly, what better dang final J-RoK opponent than Joey Little Horse?
Nodding, Florida Man closes the door on the 711's microwave, where he has bee playing with the LEGO figures. Punching in a minute, Florida watches as the offensive Indigenous stereotypes melt away.
Nametag Melvin:
Damn it, Mister Man - I just cleaned that!
Florida Man:
I'm trying to illustrate a point on scorched earth booking, Nametag Melvin.
Nametag Melvin:
The Couche-Tard down the street has a microwave too!
Florida Man:
........Those snobs banned me for using their name as a substitute for mental development problems.
Nametag Melvin:
I'm sure they just don't know you.
Banned. Florida Man lowers his head in shame. Nametag Melvin, who will put in an extra three hours of overtime trying to salvage the 711's microwave, puts a sympathetic hand on his shoulder. The existential crisis kicks in again.
This is the end.