'Should' and 'Is'
Mar 1, 2024 16:50:34 GMT -5
Mongo the Destroyer, Dave D-Flipz, and 2 more like this
Post by bloodiedfox on Mar 1, 2024 16:50:34 GMT -5
What’s the last thing you remember before…
The therapist trailed off, searching for appropriate terminology.
Before I died?
Seated opposite, Bloodied Fox gave her a wry smile. She responded with a gesture that somehow combined a shrug with ‘please answer the question’.
I remember the Bone Church. I remember the gem. I remember setting off the bomb…
And then?
Fox shakes his head.
Nothing.
The therapist nodded.
And you’ve been doing the meditation exercises I told you about?
Yeah.
And has that brought anything up?
Nothing tangible.
And intangibly?
Fox closed his eyes and took a deep breath.
Nothing good, doc. Nothing good.
You want answers, right? You and me both.
Bloodied Fox sits in the same chair we saw him announce his miraculous return in. He is leant forward, elbows resting on knees, chin resting on fists.
To quickly cover the obvious: Yes, I am actually me and not a clone or a robot or shapeshifter. No, I am not a zombie; I have a pulse and I’m not currently decomposing. I don’t know why I’m alive again. I don’t know if this is a reward or a punishment or just sheer random chance. As for what I did before…
He closes his eyes and takes a deep breath.
I can sit here and say that I wasn’t in my right mind, that I was under powerful influences leading me down a dark path, but to do so would be a gross abdication of responsibility for my actions and their consequences. Whatever forces I had pushing me this way or that, at the end of the day I made the choice to do what I did. I hurt people, innocent people. I heaped scorn and abuse on those trying to help me. People…
His breath hitches. He takes a moment to steady himself.
People are dead because of me.
I can’t change that. I can’t make that right, however much I try. All I can do is spend the rest of my life working to somehow balance those scales.
He leans back in the chair.
And the burden I made for myself feels all the heavier now because of the event upcoming. Because if you were to look me in the eye and ask why I deserve to be here now instead of Steve Awesome or Tommy Strychnine, the only honest answer I can give you is that I don’t. If the universe were a fair and decent place then those men would still be here and I wouldn’t be. But the universe is not fair or decent, and what we deserve has nothing to do with what we receive. All we can do, all I can do, is use this time, however I came by it, to make it mean something.
DT, MD, you tried to save me from myself and in return I sent you both down the same spiral I went through. So now the table’s turned and I will try to pull you back from the brink. I know there will be no thanks; honestly, I expect more venom and scorn from you than our opponents. I can live with that. I earned it, after all.
Jack, Rat, Hype, we’ve had our entanglements back in the AWF days. I fought the Icons; helped destroy Legion; and… tolerated my little brother’s adoration of a scabrous lush. This upcoming match is fuelled little by malice and more by nostalgia. It is an echo of the past and a signpost for the future. It is my penance and my prize. We rise to honour the fallen…
He can’t help but smile.
…and we offer blood as tribute.
The therapist trailed off, searching for appropriate terminology.
Before I died?
Seated opposite, Bloodied Fox gave her a wry smile. She responded with a gesture that somehow combined a shrug with ‘please answer the question’.
I remember the Bone Church. I remember the gem. I remember setting off the bomb…
Light.
Heat.
Noise.
Heat.
Noise.
And then?
Dark.
Cold.
Silence.
Cold.
Silence.
Fox shakes his head.
Nothing.
The therapist nodded.
And you’ve been doing the meditation exercises I told you about?
Yeah.
And has that brought anything up?
Nothing tangible.
And intangibly?
Fox closed his eyes and took a deep breath.
Blinding.
Searing.
Screaming.
Searing.
Screaming.
Nothing good, doc. Nothing good.
You want answers, right? You and me both.
Bloodied Fox sits in the same chair we saw him announce his miraculous return in. He is leant forward, elbows resting on knees, chin resting on fists.
To quickly cover the obvious: Yes, I am actually me and not a clone or a robot or shapeshifter. No, I am not a zombie; I have a pulse and I’m not currently decomposing. I don’t know why I’m alive again. I don’t know if this is a reward or a punishment or just sheer random chance. As for what I did before…
He closes his eyes and takes a deep breath.
I can sit here and say that I wasn’t in my right mind, that I was under powerful influences leading me down a dark path, but to do so would be a gross abdication of responsibility for my actions and their consequences. Whatever forces I had pushing me this way or that, at the end of the day I made the choice to do what I did. I hurt people, innocent people. I heaped scorn and abuse on those trying to help me. People…
His breath hitches. He takes a moment to steady himself.
People are dead because of me.
I can’t change that. I can’t make that right, however much I try. All I can do is spend the rest of my life working to somehow balance those scales.
He leans back in the chair.
And the burden I made for myself feels all the heavier now because of the event upcoming. Because if you were to look me in the eye and ask why I deserve to be here now instead of Steve Awesome or Tommy Strychnine, the only honest answer I can give you is that I don’t. If the universe were a fair and decent place then those men would still be here and I wouldn’t be. But the universe is not fair or decent, and what we deserve has nothing to do with what we receive. All we can do, all I can do, is use this time, however I came by it, to make it mean something.
DT, MD, you tried to save me from myself and in return I sent you both down the same spiral I went through. So now the table’s turned and I will try to pull you back from the brink. I know there will be no thanks; honestly, I expect more venom and scorn from you than our opponents. I can live with that. I earned it, after all.
Jack, Rat, Hype, we’ve had our entanglements back in the AWF days. I fought the Icons; helped destroy Legion; and… tolerated my little brother’s adoration of a scabrous lush. This upcoming match is fuelled little by malice and more by nostalgia. It is an echo of the past and a signpost for the future. It is my penance and my prize. We rise to honour the fallen…
He can’t help but smile.
…and we offer blood as tribute.