An Awkward Brush With the Law. RP3 for Tag Match

[Bobby Barratt]

*The scene opens and Bobby is sitting behind a laptop on his bed. Half his face is cut out of shot and he's showing a look of being absolutely dumbfounded by what he's just seen. He takes out the ear bud he was using to listen, as no one wants to over hear a Jeffrey Viper RP.

Bobby: Jeffrey...........Did you really........Just think that using.......Dead air would help you? Dude you just aired around....I don't know stares into camera for 20 seconds ...way too much footage which was pretty much you staring at a fucking camera with half your damn face cut off trying to think of a way to insult me and my Icons and that's the best you have? Dude I swear, if you cut the dead air out of that shit, you'd probably have around a minute or two of usable material!

Bobby gestures and the camera raises, showing his face in its entirety. He smiles a cheesy, insincere grin.

Bobby: So you appear to have had some sort of fucking epiphany, that being a man of DE LAWD makes you somewhat superior, how long did that last? Until you ran your montage and got home? I swear, when you thought Henry was Jack, you must have legit sounded like the least fucking threatening guy I have ever met and you were holding a fucking Machete in your hand! If 10 inches of bladed steel isn't enough to make you grow some damn balls, then I don't think anything is! Guys, the cuckolding is real with this one!

Bobby closes the lid of the laptop, revealing his XHF Tag Team Championship lying in his lap.

Bobby: Anyway, I just logged some paperwork on the computer and I'm waiting for a call back regarding you and your appearance at Supremacy. I'll fucking see to it that you don't make it there without laying a hand on your disgusting, perverted body! You and your fucking half-mech kid won't have a chance to win these titles, his bail money will be wasted and we can all go back to our fucking normal day to day lives!

RING! RING!

Bobby: Yeah?

Cop: Hi, Bobby Barratt is it?

Bobby: Yeah that's me, who's this?

Cop: This is Detective Peters from the Ohio State Police Department.

Bobby: Ah hey, you guys don't hang around, huh?

Cop: Not at all, sir. So we received an allegation of Sexual Harassment from you regarding a.....Jeffrey Viper?

Bobby: That's right. He's posting videos online of himself sitting down to fap.

Cop: Fap?

Bobby: Yeah....Tugging the Turkey.

Cop: What?

Bobby: Choking the Chicken.

Cop: Choking the-

Bobby: Spanking the Monkey!

Cop: Sir, is this a joke? This sounds more like a case of Animal abuse....

Bobby: WANKING! MASTURBATING!

Cop: Oh! Why didn't you just say that?

Bobby: Well I was trying to be a little discrete! 

Cop: Ok, well let's just stick to the facts. We obviously take allegations of this nature very seriously here, especially if it's a local sports star.

Bobby: Well do you call Jeffrey Viper a "star"?

Cop: Does he compete for money?

Bobby: He says he's not getting paid.

Cop: Well that changes things a little.

Bobby: XHF Network is a global sized company and though they might not be paying him as such, they're allowing him air time, they're putting his content online for the public to see! Just because no one watches it, doesn't mean it's not an offence!

Cop: Sir, I'm going to have to ask you to calm down.

Bobby: I am calm! I'm explaining to you that this is a situation of importance! People check out the Network and if they tune in at the wrong time, expecting to see an Iconic Production and they get greeted with him sitting behind his computer trying to knock one out!

Cop: So did you actually see Mr. Viper's Penis?

Bobby: If I did, I'd have poked out my own eyes with a rusty Spoon. Luckily it was pixelated.

Cop: Well Sir, if it was pixelated, I don't think we really have a case here then, do we? Also, we don't take kindly to hoax calls.

Bobby: Hoax calls?! You know what? Forget it! When kids eyes are scarred by these videos, then this is on you, Peters!

Bobby hits the end call button on his phone, throwing it across the bed. This would have been more dramatic if it were an old school phone Bobby could slam onto the receiver or something...

Bobby: Well, it looks like he's going to Supremacy. We're going to have to take on that fucking cretin and his kid. 

Bobby gets up off the bed, putting his phone back into his pocket and headed downstairs.

Bobby: Better fucking load up on sanitiser I guess. I'm going to need to shower in that shit after the match. A man who lets other guys mount up on his wife and not only doesn't force a loaded Shotgun down their throat, but SHAKES THEIR HAND afterwards? That's disgusting. I mean what kind of guy do you have to be in order to allow that to happen? See I'm the guy who gets caught. I'm the kind of guy that'll jump on the wife without a second thought and then shake your hand with the business hand if you know what I mean....Well not with Mrs Viper anyway. Not my cup of tea. Plus...Any hole that Jeffrey and Dylan have shared....No thanks! 

Bobby heads over to the Coffee Machine and hits the start button. It whirs to life.

Bobby: So here we are. Just four days from Supremacy. Some are arguing that it's the biggest night of my Wrestling career and they're all trying to make predictions whether I'll be able to come out of it still a double Champion, my legacy all but sealed as one of the greatest Wrestlers ever to grace the XHF Network. All that stands between me and keeping control of the Network titles is two matches. Sounds easy, right? Surely I can do that. Hell, I've done it in the last year, I had to win two matches in order to get these Tag Titles in the first place! Or did you all forget that? One thing you'll notice about me is I fucking THRIVE in these situations. When the odds are against me, when people are counting me down due to whatever bullshit circumstance is ocurring. The difference this time? The pundits have me down to WIN. They finally recognized that all signs point to the Icons, that no matter who they fucking throw at me, no matter what bullshit they try to pull, somehow, Bobby Barratt finds a way to come out on top. 

The Coffee Machine stops, Bobby takes the cup from underneath it and takes a sip, feeling the caffeine start to work it's magic.

Bobby: Don't worry, I can almost hear them already! "Oh but Bobby and the Icons cheat to win!" People whinging about it and trying to use that against us. You know what? We've said from day one that we will do whatever it takes to win, yet morons like you people try to use that as some sort of insult. You're basically telling us that we did what we promised and you think that's some kind of insult! Fuck off! How many times do we need to tell you? IT GETS RESULTS!!! I've tried to better you all over my time here. I've tried to reiterate it time and time again that being a nice guy won't get you the glory, the money, the reputation that it takes to be a top guy! What will being a nice guy get you? It'll get you shit on by the likes of the Icons! You'll be our towel boy, our bag carrier or just the guy whose Wife I pop around to see while he's at work trying to make a few Dollars! But hey, I bet you'll feel good a night, right?

Bobby throws a sarcastic Thumbs up to the camera with that insincere, sarcastic smile again. He pulls a picture of Jeffrey Viper up on his phone.

Bobby: Look at me. Now look at this guy. Now back at me. Back to him. This guy is a failure. This guy thinks reporting Murders to Priests, Police and the like are funny. Me? I let my actions do the talking, I don't need some bullshit confession to sleep at night. How do I sleep? Butt ass naked on a luxurious sprung mattress! Him? Probably passed the fuck out and the way he's going in a damn cell! Jeffrey and Dylan Viper, you're the underdogs that NO ONE wants to see succeed. You're the ones that make people change their channel, despite shelling out 50 dollars for a pay per view or a subscription. You LITERALLY make people choose to waste their money. And me? I'm currently holding a total of 19 World Championships. I hold all the gold, I hold all the power, I'm the Master of the XHF Universe!

End Scene.