The GUNS Holiday Special!
Dec 25, 2019 11:52:18 GMT -5
Mongo the Destroyer, Rage (aka NoMercyMaster2001), and 3 more like this
Post by jamesmueller on Dec 25, 2019 11:52:18 GMT -5
We open up to a familiar warehouse, The GUNS Gymnasium in downtown Atlanta. The camera pans down from the ceiling, showing multiple people rushing around the floor of the gym, both inside and outside of the wrestling ring set up in the middle. A number of wrestlers, stage crews, camera men and wardrobe busily sets up for shooting. The focus reaches to James Mueller and Venom, facing the camera, in the foreground of the hectic commotion.
: Hello and happy holidays from all of us here at the GUNS Network.
: We wanted to bring you some holiday cheer this year. As you can see behind us, we have been busy shooting for the upcoming Season 2.
: Right now we’re focusing on some re-writes as we have had some… incidents during shooting this fall.
: Incidents? Mongo died…
: Well, the actor playing Mongo died…
: Unfortunately, it was the actor and not actual Mongo.
: How is his heart still pumping that cholesterol filled chunk blood of his?
: Rich people can afford rich medication, unfortunately. Some reason Keith Richards is still alive.
: Yeah but Richards was useful for something. Our actor playing Mongo was useful for something… Mongo himself is just… There. Existing. Taking up oxygen. God is dead.
: ...Yeah…
Magnus walks into scene with a gun.
: Hey, did we decide on blanks or real bullets for this scene?
Venom and Mueller look inquizicaly at Magnus.
: …. Blanks.
: Always blanks.
: We were just discussing the actor that died while playing Mongo.
: Thanks!
Magnus jogs off with the gun into the crowd behind Venom and Mueller only to run up to a new actor playing Mongo. They begin to animatedly discuss something of importance…
: It’s cool, they’re blanks!
Mueller and Venom both rub their eyes in frustration.
: Like we said, incidents.
: Anyways, tis the season to be jolly, you sons of bitches. Yeah, we have Season 2 just around the corner, but the boys at the GUNS thought we would do something special this year for you, the fans.
: Also Christmas specials generate revenue and we’re running a little short on Season 2 funds this year.
: Also we have a Patreon you can find us at patreon dot com forward slash Please Murder That Fat Fuck Mongo.
: We also have a premium snapshot that features nothing but some of the finest, amateur erotic art of Goldbear II.
: Original Goldbear has been banned from Snapshot after accidentally sharing private videos of him with the wife of another XHF wrestler, that we will not name out of respect.
: Wasn’t it Chris Sanders.
: Get the fuck away from me.
: WOOOOOP!
Heavymetal Borg and Evil-Borg both waddle off camera.
: Anyways, without further ado, we’d like to present to you… The GUNS Holiday Special.
Magnus point blank shoots the Mongo actor right in the head, exploding a hole out of the back of his skull and instantly killing him.
: THESE AREN’T BLANKS.
: Happy holidays, folks!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“Because of the following special program, WONDER WOMAN and THE INCREDIBLE HULK will not be presented this evening…”
Police sirens and gunshots can be heard echoing as we open up to a snow covered pinewood forest. Speeding through the middle of this forest, on an icy covered road, is an oversized Silverado being followed by a pair of police SUVs, where a couple cops are hanging out of the passenger side firing their guns at the truck ahead. Inside the truck cabin is James Mueller driving and Goldbear riding shotgun.
: That’s it, I’m turning back…
: Roar.
: I know your family’s waiting!
: Roar.
: I know it’s an important day!
: Roar.
: Alright, we’ll give it a try… I set the GPS… I’ll get you back there in time, pal. Trust me.
: Roar.
: Our only hope now are these grenades I use for deer season.
Mueller reaches to the backseat and pulls out a grenade, handing it to Goldbear.
: Roar.
: That’s the spirit! You’ll be celebrating Life Day before you know it.
Goldbear roars, pulls the pin from the grenade and tosses it out of the passenger window. The truck speeds further into the woods as the grenade explodes between the two police SUVs, blowing them both up and probably killing all the cops involved but we can’t confirm or deny that right now.
: Roar.
The Star Wars theme starts…
: WHOA WHOA whoa whoa…
Venom interrupts the intro to the Holiday special intro, we cut back to the warehouse.
: What the hell is this?
: What?
: This is fucking Star Wars!
: Whaaaat? Noooo…
: Yeaaah… I saw this on YouTube. And I’m that old, I remember this on tv.
: Just from the intro, you concluded that we’re ripping off the Star Wars Holiday Special?
: Yeah.
: Obscene.
: What?
: This is insulting.
: You know Disney owns Star Wars now, right?
: Oh fuck…. No! No! It’s fine! Fair use, parody, it’s not an actual copyright thing… We’re not even in space, it’s fine!
: But-
: IT’S FINE! CUT BACK TO IT!
: James we need to-
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
We open up to the inside of a bear den, where an older bear is playing with a toy model of Dale Earnhardt’s NASCAR race car. A small mutant looking bear cub, or clearly a midget inside of a bear cub costume, comes rolling down a set of wooden stairs from the second floor of this elaborate cave. The cub licks his wounds, lets out a small toot, and trots on over to his grandpa.
: Roar.
: Roar.
Itchy Bum Bear hands the model race car to his grandson. Lumpy begins to fly the car around the bear den as Itchy Bum Bear starts to look nervous and roars at Lumpy to stop. Lumpy doesn’t pay any attention but then trips on a dead body of a grown woman and accidentally slams the toy NASCAR racer into the wall of the den. In the process, the toy version of Dale Earnhardt inside of the car is instantly killed upon impact as his toy head is internally disconnected from his neck thanks to the violent whip-lash.
: Roar.
Lumpy drops the toy and runs into the kitchen of the bear den, where Paula Dean Bear is pulling out some salmon from a fridge made out of rocks and human bones. Itchy picks up the toy and begins to bear cry to himself.
: Roar.
: Roar.
Paula Dean Bear begins to put the salmon into a big bowl, and then grabs a big bowl of butter from the fridge as well. Paula Dean Bear scoops a spoon full of butter into the bowl, and then a spoonful into her bear mouth. And then another scoop into the bowl, and another scoop into her mouth. This goes on for a solid minute, before Lumpy gets bored and rolls away, head tucked under ass, out of the kitchen. Roseanne Barr stands in the corner watching Paula Dean Bear scoop more butter.
: I see you're putting those big monkey hands to good use.
Itchy Bear drops a tab of acid and melts into the furniture, imagining some weird shit on the chess board. He giggles to himself as Lumpy looks on, concerned for his grandfather imagining things again. This actually happens in the original Star Wars special, I don’t give a fuck, it’s weird.
-----------------
We cut back to James Mueller and Goldbear racing through the woods in a truck. Goldbear tosses another grenade out of the window as the cops keep shooting at them from their SUVs.
: Roar.
: Alright, alright! So Google Maps wasn’t the best!
: Roar.
: Out of the frying pan and into the fire, huh pal? How would I know we’d run into cops committing hate crimes out here...
: Roar.
: Oh hell, we’re out of grenades. This is becoming a Life Day we might never forget.
: Roar.
: Here, use this rocket launcher I keep back here for rabbit season.
Goldbear roars and leans out of the truck window, causing huge explosions behind them.
-------------
While Itchy Bear imagines the Cirque du Soleil doing cartwheels and finger banging nuns, Lumpy goes to a bookcase that has framed photos and grabs one of Goldbear. He looks longingly into it until Paula Dean Bear backhands her son and then takes the framed photo… She stares into it and then pulls out an iphone from god knows where. She starts a facetime with Charlie Velez.
: Hello? Who is this?
: Roar.
: Who? How did you get this number?
: Roar.
: Goldbear isn’t there yet? Well… That sounds like a “you” problem.
Charlie Velez’s stove starts to smoke profusely behind him.
: Roar.
Kids start crying offscreen from Velez’s end.
: Lose this number.
Charlie Velez hangs up and Paula Dean Bear sad roars.
Suddenly, a knock on the den door. Paula Dean Bear’s face lights up, it must be Goldbear! She begins to make her way to the door to see who it is but is then cut off by her son, Lumpy McFarts. He toots. Lumpy opens the den door to Venom who lets himself in.
: Hey gang!
---------
Cut back to the warehouse.
: Wait wait, wait a fucking minute James…. I don’t remember doing this. You know I’d never sign on for this...
: That’s because you didn’t. Technically.
: What do you mean by that?
: Well, not saying it happened, but we may have drugged you.
: ...h… What? I look fine here though.
: Look closer, it’s clearly…
: Oh my god…
------------
Behind Venom is Magnus, holding him up and controlling his body, and even speaking for him, perfectly imitating his voice. Ok, Venom’s slumping a bit and Magnus’ Venom voice sounds more like Gilbert Gottfried…
: Roar.
: Uh… no… I didn’t bring you shit, little man. I’m a cheapskate who gifts his friends $1 scratcher tickets and then demands half the winnings!
------------
: Bro…
: YOU SHOULD’VE AGREED TO DO THE SPECIAL!
: You didn’t even ask!
: I… Ok that’s an excellent point. Let’s just skip ahead from this…
-----------------
We fast forward to a new scene…
Where Bea Arthur is allegedly getting her asshole eaten out by one of those weird aliens in the Cantina band that can play the flute in the original Star Wars. The rest of the Cantina band surrounds Bea Arthur while allegedly jerking off.
: OH MY
: GORRRRRRP!
: What the fuck is going on in here?!
This scene also actually happened in the original. Trust me.
-------------
: You know what, nah man, not only is this a fucking disaster already, like, you couldn’t even parody a good special? You picked Star Wars? Even George Lucas won’t acknowledge the original’s existence!
: Well I mean, we had to take some liberties…
: ...What does that… What does that even mean?
: Well, I mean… Goldbear doesn’t have a family, obviously… I mean, other than myself, but he doesn’t have a-
: Yeah I thought that was weird.
: Yeah and he uh, well…
----------
We cut back to the Christmas Special. The surviving members of Jefferson Starship finish wrapping up their cover of Paul McCartney’s terrible “Wonderful Christmas Time.” Suddenly the bear den door bursts open and Goldbear rushes in, mauling Jefferson Starship.
With half a belly full of Jefferson Starship, Goldbear looks up his fresh kill and notices three other bears in his den.
: Roar.
Itchy Bum Bear’s eyes are rolling every-which-way but he
: Roar.
Lumpy McFarts toots, then
: Roar.
Goldbear immediately mauls Lumpy. Paula Dean Bear and Itchy Bum Bear both freak out and try to run away before Goldbear begins to maul the actors one by one in the den. Magnus drops Venom to the hard rock floor and flees out of the entrance to the den.
--------------
: ...Is that how it ended?
: No, no… We needed a happier ending so I just spliced in….
------------
------------
: Dude, I fucking hate you.
: I THOUGHT THE BITCH WAS WHITE!
: Hello and happy holidays from all of us here at the GUNS Network.
: We wanted to bring you some holiday cheer this year. As you can see behind us, we have been busy shooting for the upcoming Season 2.
: Right now we’re focusing on some re-writes as we have had some… incidents during shooting this fall.
: Incidents? Mongo died…
: Well, the actor playing Mongo died…
: Unfortunately, it was the actor and not actual Mongo.
: How is his heart still pumping that cholesterol filled chunk blood of his?
: Rich people can afford rich medication, unfortunately. Some reason Keith Richards is still alive.
: Yeah but Richards was useful for something. Our actor playing Mongo was useful for something… Mongo himself is just… There. Existing. Taking up oxygen. God is dead.
: ...Yeah…
Magnus walks into scene with a gun.
: Hey, did we decide on blanks or real bullets for this scene?
Venom and Mueller look inquizicaly at Magnus.
: …. Blanks.
: Always blanks.
: We were just discussing the actor that died while playing Mongo.
: Thanks!
Magnus jogs off with the gun into the crowd behind Venom and Mueller only to run up to a new actor playing Mongo. They begin to animatedly discuss something of importance…
: It’s cool, they’re blanks!
Mueller and Venom both rub their eyes in frustration.
: Like we said, incidents.
: Anyways, tis the season to be jolly, you sons of bitches. Yeah, we have Season 2 just around the corner, but the boys at the GUNS thought we would do something special this year for you, the fans.
: Also Christmas specials generate revenue and we’re running a little short on Season 2 funds this year.
: Also we have a Patreon you can find us at patreon dot com forward slash Please Murder That Fat Fuck Mongo.
: We also have a premium snapshot that features nothing but some of the finest, amateur erotic art of Goldbear II.
: Original Goldbear has been banned from Snapshot after accidentally sharing private videos of him with the wife of another XHF wrestler, that we will not name out of respect.
: Wasn’t it Chris Sanders.
: Get the fuck away from me.
: WOOOOOP!
Heavymetal Borg and Evil-Borg both waddle off camera.
: Anyways, without further ado, we’d like to present to you… The GUNS Holiday Special.
Magnus point blank shoots the Mongo actor right in the head, exploding a hole out of the back of his skull and instantly killing him.
: THESE AREN’T BLANKS.
: Happy holidays, folks!
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
“Because of the following special program, WONDER WOMAN and THE INCREDIBLE HULK will not be presented this evening…”
Police sirens and gunshots can be heard echoing as we open up to a snow covered pinewood forest. Speeding through the middle of this forest, on an icy covered road, is an oversized Silverado being followed by a pair of police SUVs, where a couple cops are hanging out of the passenger side firing their guns at the truck ahead. Inside the truck cabin is James Mueller driving and Goldbear riding shotgun.
: That’s it, I’m turning back…
: Roar.
: I know your family’s waiting!
: Roar.
: I know it’s an important day!
: Roar.
: Alright, we’ll give it a try… I set the GPS… I’ll get you back there in time, pal. Trust me.
: Roar.
: Our only hope now are these grenades I use for deer season.
Mueller reaches to the backseat and pulls out a grenade, handing it to Goldbear.
: Roar.
: That’s the spirit! You’ll be celebrating Life Day before you know it.
Goldbear roars, pulls the pin from the grenade and tosses it out of the passenger window. The truck speeds further into the woods as the grenade explodes between the two police SUVs, blowing them both up and probably killing all the cops involved but we can’t confirm or deny that right now.
: Roar.
The Star Wars theme starts…
THE GUNS HOLIDAY SPECIAL!
STARING
VENOM
JAMES MUELLER
CHARLES VELEZ
WITH
GOLDBEAR
GOLDBEAR II
MAGNUS
CURTIS KANYON
ROB ARNOLD
THE BORGS
BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEF
INTRODUCING GOLDBEAR’S FAMILY
HIS WIFE, PAULA DEAN BEAR
HIS FATHER, ITCHY BUM BEAR
AND HIS SON, LUMPY MCFARTS
SPECIAL GUEST STARS
BEA ARTHUR
STEVE AWESOME
TERRY BRADSHAW
ROSEANNE BARR ON AMBIEN
BILL COSBY LIVE FROM PRISON
THE REMAINING MEMBERS OF JEFFERSON STARSHIP
THE GHOST OF JEFFREY EPST-
STARING
VENOM
JAMES MUELLER
CHARLES VELEZ
WITH
GOLDBEAR
GOLDBEAR II
MAGNUS
CURTIS KANYON
ROB ARNOLD
THE BORGS
BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEF
INTRODUCING GOLDBEAR’S FAMILY
HIS WIFE, PAULA DEAN BEAR
HIS FATHER, ITCHY BUM BEAR
AND HIS SON, LUMPY MCFARTS
SPECIAL GUEST STARS
BEA ARTHUR
STEVE AWESOME
TERRY BRADSHAW
ROSEANNE BARR ON AMBIEN
BILL COSBY LIVE FROM PRISON
THE REMAINING MEMBERS OF JEFFERSON STARSHIP
THE GHOST OF JEFFREY EPST-
: WHOA WHOA whoa whoa…
Venom interrupts the intro to the Holiday special intro, we cut back to the warehouse.
: What the hell is this?
: What?
: This is fucking Star Wars!
: Whaaaat? Noooo…
: Yeaaah… I saw this on YouTube. And I’m that old, I remember this on tv.
: Just from the intro, you concluded that we’re ripping off the Star Wars Holiday Special?
: Yeah.
: Obscene.
: What?
: This is insulting.
: You know Disney owns Star Wars now, right?
: Oh fuck…. No! No! It’s fine! Fair use, parody, it’s not an actual copyright thing… We’re not even in space, it’s fine!
: But-
: IT’S FINE! CUT BACK TO IT!
: James we need to-
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
We open up to the inside of a bear den, where an older bear is playing with a toy model of Dale Earnhardt’s NASCAR race car. A small mutant looking bear cub, or clearly a midget inside of a bear cub costume, comes rolling down a set of wooden stairs from the second floor of this elaborate cave. The cub licks his wounds, lets out a small toot, and trots on over to his grandpa.
: Roar.
: Roar.
Itchy Bum Bear hands the model race car to his grandson. Lumpy begins to fly the car around the bear den as Itchy Bum Bear starts to look nervous and roars at Lumpy to stop. Lumpy doesn’t pay any attention but then trips on a dead body of a grown woman and accidentally slams the toy NASCAR racer into the wall of the den. In the process, the toy version of Dale Earnhardt inside of the car is instantly killed upon impact as his toy head is internally disconnected from his neck thanks to the violent whip-lash.
: Roar.
Lumpy drops the toy and runs into the kitchen of the bear den, where Paula Dean Bear is pulling out some salmon from a fridge made out of rocks and human bones. Itchy picks up the toy and begins to bear cry to himself.
: Roar.
: Roar.
Paula Dean Bear begins to put the salmon into a big bowl, and then grabs a big bowl of butter from the fridge as well. Paula Dean Bear scoops a spoon full of butter into the bowl, and then a spoonful into her bear mouth. And then another scoop into the bowl, and another scoop into her mouth. This goes on for a solid minute, before Lumpy gets bored and rolls away, head tucked under ass, out of the kitchen. Roseanne Barr stands in the corner watching Paula Dean Bear scoop more butter.
: I see you're putting those big monkey hands to good use.
Itchy Bear drops a tab of acid and melts into the furniture, imagining some weird shit on the chess board. He giggles to himself as Lumpy looks on, concerned for his grandfather imagining things again. This actually happens in the original Star Wars special, I don’t give a fuck, it’s weird.
-----------------
We cut back to James Mueller and Goldbear racing through the woods in a truck. Goldbear tosses another grenade out of the window as the cops keep shooting at them from their SUVs.
: Roar.
: Alright, alright! So Google Maps wasn’t the best!
: Roar.
: Out of the frying pan and into the fire, huh pal? How would I know we’d run into cops committing hate crimes out here...
: Roar.
: Oh hell, we’re out of grenades. This is becoming a Life Day we might never forget.
: Roar.
: Here, use this rocket launcher I keep back here for rabbit season.
Goldbear roars and leans out of the truck window, causing huge explosions behind them.
-------------
While Itchy Bear imagines the Cirque du Soleil doing cartwheels and finger banging nuns, Lumpy goes to a bookcase that has framed photos and grabs one of Goldbear. He looks longingly into it until Paula Dean Bear backhands her son and then takes the framed photo… She stares into it and then pulls out an iphone from god knows where. She starts a facetime with Charlie Velez.
: Hello? Who is this?
: Roar.
: Who? How did you get this number?
: Roar.
: Goldbear isn’t there yet? Well… That sounds like a “you” problem.
Charlie Velez’s stove starts to smoke profusely behind him.
: Roar.
Kids start crying offscreen from Velez’s end.
: Lose this number.
Charlie Velez hangs up and Paula Dean Bear sad roars.
Suddenly, a knock on the den door. Paula Dean Bear’s face lights up, it must be Goldbear! She begins to make her way to the door to see who it is but is then cut off by her son, Lumpy McFarts. He toots. Lumpy opens the den door to Venom who lets himself in.
: Hey gang!
---------
Cut back to the warehouse.
: Wait wait, wait a fucking minute James…. I don’t remember doing this. You know I’d never sign on for this...
: That’s because you didn’t. Technically.
: What do you mean by that?
: Well, not saying it happened, but we may have drugged you.
: ...h… What? I look fine here though.
: Look closer, it’s clearly…
: Oh my god…
------------
Behind Venom is Magnus, holding him up and controlling his body, and even speaking for him, perfectly imitating his voice. Ok, Venom’s slumping a bit and Magnus’ Venom voice sounds more like Gilbert Gottfried…
: Roar.
: Uh… no… I didn’t bring you shit, little man. I’m a cheapskate who gifts his friends $1 scratcher tickets and then demands half the winnings!
------------
: Bro…
: YOU SHOULD’VE AGREED TO DO THE SPECIAL!
: You didn’t even ask!
: I… Ok that’s an excellent point. Let’s just skip ahead from this…
-----------------
We fast forward to a new scene…
Where Bea Arthur is allegedly getting her asshole eaten out by one of those weird aliens in the Cantina band that can play the flute in the original Star Wars. The rest of the Cantina band surrounds Bea Arthur while allegedly jerking off.
: OH MY
: GORRRRRRP!
: What the fuck is going on in here?!
This scene also actually happened in the original. Trust me.
-------------
: You know what, nah man, not only is this a fucking disaster already, like, you couldn’t even parody a good special? You picked Star Wars? Even George Lucas won’t acknowledge the original’s existence!
: Well I mean, we had to take some liberties…
: ...What does that… What does that even mean?
: Well, I mean… Goldbear doesn’t have a family, obviously… I mean, other than myself, but he doesn’t have a-
: Yeah I thought that was weird.
: Yeah and he uh, well…
----------
We cut back to the Christmas Special. The surviving members of Jefferson Starship finish wrapping up their cover of Paul McCartney’s terrible “Wonderful Christmas Time.” Suddenly the bear den door bursts open and Goldbear rushes in, mauling Jefferson Starship.
With half a belly full of Jefferson Starship, Goldbear looks up his fresh kill and notices three other bears in his den.
: Roar.
Itchy Bum Bear’s eyes are rolling every-which-way but he
: Roar.
Lumpy McFarts toots, then
: Roar.
Goldbear immediately mauls Lumpy. Paula Dean Bear and Itchy Bum Bear both freak out and try to run away before Goldbear begins to maul the actors one by one in the den. Magnus drops Venom to the hard rock floor and flees out of the entrance to the den.
--------------
: ...Is that how it ended?
: No, no… We needed a happier ending so I just spliced in….
------------
------------
: Dude, I fucking hate you.
: I THOUGHT THE BITCH WAS WHITE!