Gun Show Season 2: Now with 100% more X*Crown
Aug 7, 2020 15:19:55 GMT -5
Mongo the Destroyer, Dave D-Flipz, and 3 more like this
Post by Venom 🕷 on Aug 7, 2020 15:19:55 GMT -5
We open on a stage with red curtains covering it. Spot lights turn on and dance around as announcer Magnus’ voice over can be heard.
Magnus: Tonight! Coming to you live from Venom’s Gym in Hot-Lanta, Georgia, Earth, Space Sector 2314, it’s the Contractually Obligated Golden Gun Awards, hosted by The Borgs! With special guests Marty Jannetty, Janitor Bob, Brad Swann, Rob Arnold, Tom Arnold, and Paul Lynde as center square! Now here’s your hosts, Evil Borg and Heavy Metal Borg!
The curtain opens to reveal a glass podium and generic award show music plays as Evil and Heavy Metal come out from stage left in tuxedos.
: “Welcome to the jungle, we've got fun and games
We got everything you want honey, we know the names
We are the people that can find whatever you may need
If you got the money, honey we got your disease.”
: Well put Heavy Metal Borg. Yes, all that and more tonight on this award show that we are forced to put on because we forced Magnus to restart the wrestling show and apparently an award show is mandatory per season. Anyway, let's get this farce over with.
Cut to Mecha Goldbear IV operating a camera.
: Negative masters, the GoldenGunAwards.mp4 must run throughout the entire show.
: Ugh, the whole show!? Okay. I guess I can’t just read this off. Does that mean we have to do the musical number?
: Yes.
The lights go out except for a single spotlight on Evil Borg. Some light acoustic guitar music starts to play.
: I can break your heart with a work of art.
And a song that's small and quiet.
But we're back where we began it all.
At Venom’s Gym, we may start a riot.
...So tonight...
...we...
...might...
...go...
Rockettes music starts to play. A bunch of Rockette style dancers come out and line up on either side of Evil. They start kicking to the beat.
..bigger!
That right, it's bigger,
It's GUNS's greatest night, and we're rarin' to go!
Let's make it bigger,
Tonight it's bigger,
Who will take home a Golden Gun statue?
We don't know!
I guarantee a truly legendary show!
Hardcore guitar shredding plays and Heavy Metal Borg knee slides across the stage.
: “Big gun
Big gun number one
Big gun
Big gun kick the hell out of you
Big gun, got a hot one
Big gun, got a number one
Big gun, loaded and cocked
Big gun, hot hot hot
Got big gun, ready or not
Big gun, give it, give it a shot
Terminator, Uzi makers
Regulators, gonna get you later
Big gun kick the hell out of you!”
The music goes back to more award showy big band style. Heavy and Evil stand side by side and the Rockette’s start to choreography with them.
: Bigger!
That's right it's bigger.
I'm walkin' on the stage with Golden Guns in tow!
This show is bigger.
Tonight it's bigger.
If there's a different GUN wrestler you prefer, you let me know, you'll get a pop in the mouth before you go!
So welcome to our bigger better bigger better
Best of GUNS Award Show!
They all pause their dancing and hold for applause as the music stops. Evil and Heavy Metal are breathing hard. The limited audience cheers with delight. Evil wipes his helmeted brow and heads over to the podium.
: Okay, now time for our first award. Now, we Borgs are eeeeeevil, mwua ha ha! So, since we get to choose the awards categories, here is the one we are doing first, setting the stage for the evilness of them all, because we are despicable and we love to see other sinister things afoot in this netwo--
Heavy gives Evil the wrap it up motion.
: Right, right. First category, the Golden Gun for Best Murder! And the nominees are…
...The Guns for murdering MGK in the trunk of the their car! Did they know he was there or didn’t they? We’ll never know, because they were never found and are still presumed dead as far as I know, which is why I’m here trying to take advantage and forced to do this. Anyway, I’d like to believe they murdered him on purpose. I know, “MGK” has shown up since, but we have alternate realities and time travel and probably clones, so who knows who that is. Sorry, next nominee…
...Brad Swann for stabbing Yuki Sakaraba! Sure, she “lived” but as someone else. I’d refer back to my last rant, but she went the Price slash Time Lord route as why she looks different. Really? Maybe she’s telling the truth. Maybe they’re all lying. Time Lord’s are jerks and don’t let anyone tell you different. Next nominee…
...Marty Jannetty for murking a pedo when he was thirteen! I know, old murder, but recent revelation. Very recent. As an XHF legend and tag team specialist to pave the way for people like us, how could we not nominate Marty? Fantastic stuff. And apparently, more murder is on the way, because he said that was the first time. Anyway, the last nominee…
...A mysterious “someone” who murdered Dylan Black’s family! We know, it’s a little old, and he was Anomoly at the time, but the revelation that he was Anomoly sheds new light on this one. He already had a mask, a secret identity. His family is murdered, and he vows to catch the killer ...by continuing to wrestle and never mention them again? How has no one connected the dots? He’s the Carol Baskin of the XHF as far as I can tell. But… that’s why he’s on the list, deliciously evil. But is it evil enough? Let’s open the envelop.
Drumroll.
: And the winner is… Brad Swann for murdering Yuki number one! The most recent murder, got away with it pretty well, and I don’t want to end up a mantle piece. Live via satellite, here’s Brad Swann!
A screen turns on showing a graveyard. We zoom in on a gravestone that reads “Brad Swann.” The feed cuts.
: Well… he’s dead. That’s just great. I guess we’ll accept the award on his behalf. Thank you Mr. Swann for your evil doing!
A crash is heard.
: You sons of bitches! You mother fuckers! You fucked me! You fucked me worse than I’d fuck my own daughter!
: Woa, looks like we have an angry nominee that I didn’t know was even here.
: I was buying a dime bag in the alley and about to do what that f***** wanted me to do because I didn’t have enough money and I heard my fucking name! Give me the gold so I can get me a hooker you pieces of--
Security grabs Marty and pulls him away.
: We’re going to get this under control. We’ll be back for more awards later!
We cut to the ring inside Venom’s Gym in Atlanta GA. Not seen since season one, there are people in attendance, all in masks and socially distanced, but still, the GUN Show has an audience once again. The camera moves from panning around the gym to the ramp entrance, where Rob Arnold is stood alone, dressed in a smart suit. Rob looks around before raising a microphone to his lips.
Arnold: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to The GUN Show!
He smirks as the small crowd in attendance cheer.
Arnold: We may be missing Mueller, Venom may be in prison, but we still have Goldbear II, we still have the Borgs, and just like me, they will all be here tonight!
More cheers.
Arnold: But first, first ladies and gentlemen, part of the reason we are all here is because...well, because of me! At Night of Champions, I bested six other competitors from across the XHF Network, and won the XHF X*Crown. And tonight, I get to continue the tradition of parading which titles I’ll be using to represent the Crown. Will I have a physical crown? Too obvious. Will I carry a number of them on me? Did that last time. So what will I do? To show you, I’ll need Joey Hawke to join me.
Rob steps to the side and looks to the curtain, which doesn’t do anything for what seems like forever. Then, slowly, Joey Hawke emerges, his back to the crowd as he is pulling a large wooden trunk on wheels. Given that he’s quite an old man and that the trunk most likely contains all twenty X*Crown Titles, it’s a serious struggle for him. Slowly he wheels it fully out and after taking a few large breaths, with his hands firmly on his knees, he steps off to the other side so Rob can continue.
Arnold: Thank you Joey. Was hoping that would be a slightly smoother transition but beggars can’t be choosers I suppose!
Joey glares at Arnold, who continues.
Arnold: Anyway, these titles. I thought about a number of different combinations…
Rob walks over to the trunk and opens it, and starts to rummage through the belts with one hand as he continues to speak.
Arnold: I’ve had a lot of different ideas on how I should showcase these fine twenty belts. Ultimately though, I realised that there is one belt that’s in here that I’ve wanted to showcase the most…
He smiles as he seemingly has found what he’s looking for. He closes the lid and stands back up, turning back to the crows with the CWA Title now propped on his shoulder.
Arnold: Ah yes, the CWA Title, this was my contribution to the X*Crown all those years ago. I always felt that I gave this up too easily. So I think it’s only right that I hold onto it a lot tighter this time.
Rob smirks and turns to Joey Hawke, who all this time has looked pretty put out at having had to bring this trunk of titles on Rob’s order.
Arnold: Yes, this will do nicely. Thank you Joey.
Hawke looks bewildered and he takes a step towards Arnold.
Hawke: Wait, that’s it?
Arnold: What do you mean?
Hawke: You’re just taking the CWA Title?
Arnold: I am, yes. It’s simple, it’s full of prestige, and it represents my history. Were you expecting something else?
Rob shrugs.
Hawke: Kid, you’re telling me you got me, an old man, to bring all these titles down here with no help at all, just so you could take one out and send me on my way with the other nineteen?
Rob pauses for a moment to consider it.
Arnold: I guess I am! Thanks Joey!
Hawke: Now wait a damn minute!
Ignoring him, Arnold pats Joey on the shoulder and heads through the curtain. “St Patrick” by PVRIS starts to play, leaving a furious Joey Hawke abandoned with the large X*Crown Title Trunk. He pulls at it and whilst it does move, it doesn’t move very far. Hawke looks back at the curtain and attempts to call after Rob once again, but he is long gone. The camera quickly cuts to Magnus at the commentary desk, because it probably would be a bit cruel to watch Joey try and drag that out without any help.
Magnus: Well, once again welcome to the GUN Show! I don’t know why Rob wanted to do that and waste everybody’s time when I’ll be taking the title off him tonight, but each to their own! We’ll be back with some in ring action...soon...I’m sure Joey can manage..
We cut back to the awards show stage where Evil and Heavy are at the podium.
: Now to present the Golden Gun award for the Best New Tag Team in Guns, Heavy Metal Borg!
: WOOOOP!...
The screen behind him shows Cliff and Mormon from the first new match of season 2.
: ...OOOOP!...
Now we see a clip of The Youthful Affluence from the following episode.
: ...WOOOOP!...
Next is a clip of Unchallenged Epoch from the next tag team challenge of the season.
: ...OOOOOOP!....
And lastly, a clip of the threesome, Contemporary Twenty Four Hours, from the midseason finale.
: “Once I never could hope to win
You starting down the road leaving me again
The threats you made were meant to cut me down
And if our love was just a circus you'd be a clown by now”
: Wow! Congrats to Youthful Affluence! Lets go to them live on the Atlanta Hospital Zoom System!
The screen turns on and we see Matt Jordan in a nearly full body cast, eyes closed, heart monitor beeping. On his night stand is a picture of his brother, Nick Jordan, with text that reads “Rest in Peace, 7/28/89 - 2/15/20”
: Yeeeee… more death. Let’s just… go to the next award. Ladies and gentlemen, the next award is the Golden Gun for the Best Bear! And your nominees...
...Goldbear...
...Goldbear II…
...Triple B…
...Mongo…
...and Mecha Gold-bear IV
: And the winner is…
A loud roar from the Bear Necessities Champion can be heard from backstage.
: AAAHH! I mean, heh hehe, did we say “best bear?” We meant, best mechanical bear like entity, therefore, by proxy your only winner can be… Mecha Gold-bear IV!
The camera cuts to Mecha Gold-bear IV, whom looks as shocked as a robot can look.
: I… won? Does not compute…
Mecha Gold-bear IV walks up to the podium.
: You admire my display settings, you really admire my display settings! Mecha Gold-bear IV would like to thank the academy, and his masters, and his processor. Execute tears.exe. Thank yo--
More natural bear roars are heard. Much closer now.
: Mecha, time to get off the stage pal! I don’t have time to make the Mach V version. Move move move!
The run off as we cut back to the ring for the Bear Necessities title defense.
Magnus: Goldbear II is in the ring with his belt in his mouth. He is ready for his opponent, but I’m going to be honest with all of you, I couldn’t find anyone willing to step foot in the ring with him for the title so we might be sitting here until Goldbear II leaves.
Goldbear II: RAAAAAAAWR!
Magnus: What’s that?
A tap tap sounds out over the PA system and a man appears on stage with a mic in hand.
: I heard there was an open challenge for a championship.
Magnus: Oh my God! That’s Barrett Bobby!
: For years I’ve been working the independent scene waiting for my shot. Some people may say I’m crazy for showing up here to wrestle a bear, but this is my shot at the big time. No more watching as imposters win titles left and right. So I accept your challenge Goldy.
Goldbear II whips the belt out of the ring and drops down to his butt and sits down waiting for his challenger.
Magnus: Looks like we have a match. Barrett Bobby a representative of the Indy scenes Idols stable against the only active member of the GUNS stable.
Bear Necessities Championship Match
Goldbear II vs Barrett Bobby
Barrett slides into the ring and stands up bouncing around as the ref calls for the bell. Goldbear II stands up to his feet and towers over his opponent. Now in the ring with a standing bear Barrett seems to realize he made a mistake. He quickly though delivers shots to the mid-section of Goldbear II in rapid succession. Goldbear II lets out a roar and pushes Barrett back. He bounces into the ropes and bounce back into a grizzly magnum from Goldbear II. Barrett collapses to the mat and screams “This was a bad idea.” Goldbear II reaches down and pulls Barrett up and hugs him tight squeezing the breath out of him with a bear hug. Barrett quickly screams he quits and the ref calls for the bell.
Winner and STILL Bear Necessities Champion: Goldbear II
Magnus: Well, that’s not going to make it any easier to find him an opponent next week.
We are back at the stage for more awards.
Magnus: Ladies and gentlemen, the highlight of the evening aside from me wrestling, GUNS present the Miss GUNS pageant, sponsored by JROK! Hosted by special guest, Tom Arnold! I thought he was Rob’s brother and was hoping to curry some favor for later tonight, but boy was I wrong!
Tom Arnold walks out to the stage.
: Our lovely ladies, who’s bikini contest… will not be seen because they’re all stuck in Japan… at least they don’t look like my fat ex-wife! Ha ha! Let’s see here, we’ve got...
Tom is hit across the back with a chair by Evil Borg.
: I’m sorry, I couldn’t take that one note comedy anymore. The check cleared again, so your winner again is Esmerelda Kanyon! Here she is, live from Japan!
The screen shows Esmerelda in her dressing room at JROK.
: Oh thank you all so much for choosing me to be Miss GUNS again! Two time winner! I’m having so much fun wrestling here in Japan! I beat a ninja! You know, I would think that’s racist, but I’m here in Japan, so it’s not. Now, if we were there in America, and they made a Japanese wrestler be a ninja, that would be racist, am I right? Who would do that in today’s age? Anyway, I will continue to wear the crown with honor, thank you all!
: Back with more, right after this!
We cut backstage and Rob Arnold is now dressed in his ring gear, he’s talking to MCCW North American Champion, Leon Chant, as well as XHF Hall of Famer, Scorpion.
Arnold: I’m telling you, it’s a learn by doing thing, the more you listen to him, the more you understand it.
Chant: You know I didn’t want to believe you, but after spending some time after Night of Champions with you guys, I felt like I was getting the gist of what he was saying, and you’re right, he is a charming bear.
Their conversation is soon broken up as they all turn around, a sound of panting and something on wheels being pulled has caught their attention. The camera pans around and there stands Joey Hawke, who has turned a shade of purple having hauled the X*Crown Title Trunk back out the ring with little help. He stops pulling to place his hands on his knees again and tries to engage in conversation with Arnold.
Hawke: K- Kid…
He takes a large breath.
Hawke: This...This is really not fair...I thought-
He straightens back up to take another large breath.
Hawke: I thought you were going to...to do something with all these belts.
Arnold looks at Scorpion and Chant, and then back at Hawke.
Arnold: You know, you’re right Joey, I did say that, thank you for reminding me. With that in mind, I’m glad you’ve brought these to me.
Rob walks over and opens the trunk back up, He moves a couple belts around before taking one out and walking back to Scorpion, handing it to him.
Arnold: Remember this?
Scorpion: Ohhh, I do! It’s the WWO World Title.
Arnold: You are correct, and once again it’s yours.
Scorpion: What?
Hawke: What?
Arnold: Hold onto it for me, please?
Hawke: You can’t do that!
Arnold: And whilst I’m at it...
He trails off and looks past Hawke who he is clearly ignoring, spotting somebody off camera.
Arnold: Hey, Strangelove, come here a sec!
Coming now into shot is another infamous name of XHF past, Dr Strangleove. He slinks up next to Joey and purrs.
Strangelove: Ohhhh Joey, look at you all sweaty, I’m so jealous!
He giggles and turns to Rob.
Strangelove: What can I do for you Robbie darling?
Smirking, Rob walks up to the trunk and dips his hand in once more, once again pulling out another title.
Arnold: Take this and hold onto it for me, show it off as much as possible.
Strangelove looks at the title and lets out a feminine squeal.
Strangelove: Ohhhh it’s the SEX Championship!
Arnold: That's right! Do you like it?
Strangelove: Oh I love it darling! You know me so well. It’s been a while since a handsome man gave me a nice shiny gift. I’ll show it off everywhere and in every way possible.
He looks at Leon Chant and winks.
Strangelove: And I mean every way.
Chant turns away from Strangelove’s eye contact and whispers ‘oh hell no’ under his breath. Strangelove skips off, giving Joey Hawke a small wave as he does. Hawke is beginning to turn purple again, this time though from anger.
Hawke: Kid, you really can’t do this!
Arnold: I really can, and I will. You should be happy with this Joey! For the first time in years, every single championship will be given some attention that doesn’t require somebody to try and wear all of them. Seriously, that was really stupid and there was about six less belts back then!
Hawke: But-
Arnold: And you and Mongo are welcome. Honestly the things I do for the XHF, you’re lucky I don’t demand commission on all the money I must make him.
Hawke: But-!
Arnold: Anyway, Leon will take the trunk off your hands for now-
Chant: I will?
Arnold: You will. Safe flight back to Minnesota, Joey!
Rob pats Hawke on the shoulder, as he did earlier and walks off. Chant and Scorpion follow, the former closing the lid to the trunk and dragging it with much more ease than Hawke did. Hawke watches them leave, defeated.
Hawke: ...I give up.
We cut to Venom. He is sitting inside a damp dark room with concrete walls sitting at a steel table. His hair is dirty and his face looks tired like he hasn't slept in days. There are bags under his eyes. He's alone, it's quiet, until the silence is broken by the squeaking of a door opening off camera. Two figures walk in, their backs to the camera and sit across from Venom. Venom lets out a deep sigh.
???: Hello, are you ready to talk this morning?
Venom rolls his eyes and shakes his head.
???: Look, Detective Lopez and I aren't here to be the "bad guys" in your story, but we'll have to be if you won't talk to us.
Venom: You brought me here from a holding cell and left me here for hours alone but you guys aren't the bad guys. Right.
Lopez: Detective Swartz and I are sorry about that. We got caught up in a different interrogation and it took longer than we thought.
Venom: Yeah, what did Charlie tell you? Did you tell him why we're here?
Swartz: Oh, no, it was with a different case. We didn't arrest Mr. Velez, this case has nothing to do with him.
Venom: What? How is that possible. We've been together for nearly two years. How does whatever you've got me here for have nothing to do with him.
Lopez: Well he didn't steal a bear from a Zoo and then teach it to become a killing machine.
Venom: Ha, are you serious?
Swartz opens the file in front of him and lays out the photos of the faces of four men who have been mauled to be unrecognizable.
Swartz: Serious as a heart attack.
Venom flinches at the photos and turns his head to the side.
Venom: I don't know what that is, but I had nothing to do with it. The only person I'm accused of having a part in their death was a dumb practical joke.
Lopez: Unfortunately you're wrong. These four men were in the woods hunting when they were mauled to death by a bear, by a bear that you trained to be a man killing machine.
Venom: I didn't train Goldbear II to kill. I trained him to wrestle. Men have been training bears to wrestle since forever.
Swartz: Yeah in carnivals. Is that what you are, a carny? Is that what wrestling is, a bunch of carnys?
Lopez: Be careful there Swartz, I don't think they like to be called Carnys. They think they are athletes.
Venom: We are athletes.
Lopez: See? You don't want to insult the man.
Venom rolls his eyes again.
Venom: I don't understand what you're trying to do here. You want me to tell you I did something, but I didn't. I have nothing to do with what happened to these people here. I was lost for nearly two years no where near whatever happened here.
Lopez: That may be true, but the bear you trained to kill...
Venom: To wrestle...
Lopez: ...It was near there and it did this.
Venom: How do you know?
Both detectives look at each other.
Venom: Did you capture my bear? Is Goldbear II in captivity? Was his DNA on the bodies?
Swartz: Don't be silly, we don't have a bear DNA list.
Venom: So how do you know?
Lopez: Look, you're the only one who released a trained bear in the general area of where these attacks happened do you're responsible. If you don't want to admit to it then we'll just have to hold you captive until we can get you a bail hearing.
Swartz: And with the pandemic, that might take awhile.
Venom drops his head as the two detectives leave the room leaving Venom alone again.
: Okay folks, we’re back with another award to give out here on the Not So Annual Golden Gun Award Show! As you can see the show is completely sold out!
The camera pans across the crowd to show every other chair filled with people going nuts at a safe social distance!
: Well you know, sold out as far as pandemics go…..anyways...It looks like Evil and Heavy Metal Borg are back to present another award.
Evil and Heavy return to the podium as the crowd claps.
: Silence!
The applause faded away.
: We are here to present another Golden Gun award. This one is entitled “The Most Anticipated Return award.” We have compiled a list of entities that have been gone and down for far long….”
: ...Down too long in the midnight sea.
: The winner that has been selected will be the ominous return you pestilent fans long for the most. Heavy Metal Borg, the nominations.
: WOOOOOOP!
Heavy hands Evil the envelope.
: And the nominees are….The McRib!
: That’s terrible for you….but so damn delicious.
: A Former XCrown Champion and self proclaimed super legend of the business. “The Face of the Franchise” Steve Awesome.
: Oh? Steve is one of the best around. I wouldn’t mind seeing him back. That’s for sure.
: The Boys. Season Two!
: Ooh yeah! That’s my pick! I can't wait for that show to come back!
: Duke Kosloff.
: Nope.
: And finally Maverick after his twenty third neck surgery.
: Meh.
: And the winner of the Most Anticipated Return award is…THE BOYS SEASON TWO! Premiering September Fourth on Amazon Prime!
The Boys theme song plays and a little video plays on the screen.
: Yes! I definitely have my calendar set for that show! That’s a well deserved win for The Boys.
“ARE YOU KIDDING ME!?”
: What the?
Evil and Heavy look over to find Steve Awesome standing on the stage glaring at them from behind a pair of sunglasses.
: Are you seriously kidding me right now!?
Steve storms over to the podium.
: Holy crap, it’s Steve Awesome! He’s back!
: Somebody better come out here and tell me they are kidding me! Or else I’m about to get really pissed and I’m not even kidding!
Steve starts pacing back and forth as his anger starts to bubble.
: How in the hell are you gonna have The Most Anticipated Return Award and not just hand it to me the moment it’s created? It is complete and utter nonsense that I didn’t win this award!”
Steve turns and points at the crowd.
: You people should be anticipating my return A-fuckin-F! I mean like seriously holding your breath waiting for the moment I step back on XHF Network TV!”
He shrugs.
: Sure….SOME of you might die, but that’s like, the price you are all willing to pay for me.
Steve crosses his arms.
: Don't you people know how amazing and talented I am? I was pretty much beating up everyone and earning all sorts of title matches. I had one bad week and suddenly you think you can just cast me out to the curb!?
Steve shakes his head in disgust.
: I can't believe you didn’t vote for me to win Most Anticipated return. Like, I’m actually kind of offended here. I mean you should all know that my return is going to be off the charts.
: Okay. Maybe he’s not back?
: When I return you people aren’t even going to know what hit you. I’m going to have the most badass return of all time. It’s going to be intense and it’s going to kick a lot of ass. The moment you see me return to the XHF you are going to be like “oh my god, I can’t believe how much I was anticipating that return!”
He walks over and yanks the Golden Gun out of Evil Borgs hands.
: This award is now officially mine. It is now an official marker to keep your eyes peeled for my grand return to the network. The best part about it folks, is you won’t know when and you won’t know where. But once it happens, it’ll be time to rock.”
Steve turns and looks at the Borgs.
: I’m taking this. Suck it.
Steve crotch chops at them and starts strutting off with the Most Anticipated Return award. Evil Borg shrugs it off.
: I’ll allow this. Only because I know what happens to him in ...THE AFTERWARD!
Steve stops in his tracks as Evil and Heavy walk off the stage in the opposite direction.
: Hold up...what did he say?
Steve turns around and starts running after the Borgs.
: Eh Yo! Weird robot dudes! Wait up! What happens to me!?
Steve runs offstage after them.
: WOW what a moment. Steve Awesome returns to tell us he is going to return at some point. I guess we will have to be on the lookout for that. And then he stole the award. Man, you just never know what’s going to happen on The Gun Show!
Velez Corp. is a big company, and at the top is Charlie Velez, well he was before he disappeared for nearly two years. Presumed dead his family had to do something with his business to keep it alive. Reluctantly the family put the head of HR Mr. X in charge. Now Charlie is back, and it turns out Mr. X was behind his disappearance. So What happens now? Well first, Charlie must retake his office. We open as he gets off of the elevator and makes his way to his office. Passing his secretaries desk he notices something.
Velez: You're not Karen.
???: I don't think her name was Karen.
Velez: Oh, well you're not the one before I left.
???: No I'm not. I'm Mary, Mary Poppins.
Velez: O...kay.
Velez walks through his office doors confused why his secretary is a Disney character and then he walks into his office and...
Velez: What the fuck happened in here.
The camera quickly follows him in to find his office is now completely themed like Disney's Haunted Mansion.
Velez: I'm going to kill him...
And we cut back to the arena. Back on stage, we see Evil Borg and Heavy Metal at the podium.
: We are now at the penultimate award, The Golden Gun MVP! We’ve got a handful of great nominees. They are...
...James Bond…
...The Borgs…
...Front Row Grandma...
...James Bond Jr...
...and Janitor Bob...
: And the winners are…
: “I've paid my dues
Time after time
I've done my sentence
But committed no crime
And bad mistakes
I've made a few
I've had my share of sand kicked in my face
But I've come through
We are the champions, my friends
And we'll keep on fighting 'til the end
We are the champions
We are the champions
No time for losers
'Cause we are the champions of the world”
: That’s right, it’s us! Of course it’s us! We are the true MVPs of the GUN Show! We brought it back! We filled the stands! Not you Janitor Bob!
Janitor Bob looks dejected.
: Hey, if there’s time to lean, there’s time to clean! Anyway, we had them hanging from the rafters before this shutdown business! We were on track to bring about ...THE AFTERWARD… and we still are! Just, a little slower now. But it will be here and we will be standing tall over all of you and you will kiss our feet and enjoy it! This is a fact! This is our destiny, and now we have the Golden Gun to prove it! Sorry Bob, maybe next season. But probably not. Mwua ha ha! BAH HA HA HA!
The music plays as the last award is ready to be given.
: Finally here. To end the award show. To get this charade over with! The final Golden Gun award of the evening. The Best GUN X*Crown Champion award! And the nominees…
...Venom…
...James Mueller…
...Charlie Velez…
...and Rob Arnold...
Drumroll
: And the winner is… Rob Arnold! Because he’s the only one alive and I don’t want to be bashed in with a chair! Here he comes to accept it and start his match!
Rob Arnold walks by the stage, looks up at the Borgs, shakes his head, and continues walking toward the ring.
: Uh, yeah… it’s cool, you can pick up your award later. Bye buddy!
Cut to the ring for the Main Event.
The lights to the gym dim down and the audience begins to cheer for the upcoming match-up. MF DOOM's "Deep Fried Frenz" starts bumping the sound system as white and purple spotlights cycle through the gym and the stage. Out steps Marquise Lee from the back, in bright purple wrestling trunk shorts and a smirk on his face.
He takes his time down the ramp towards the ring, moving his body with the beat of the song. Marquise Beef stops in front of the ring, he turns to his left, places his index finger on the left side of his jaw and moves his head to face to his right. He winks to the crowd and then jumps up to the apron of the ring almost effortlessly. He climbs into the ring and struts to the middle. He lowers his head briefly before swinging his arms up and in to flex as he yells "BEEF!" He takes off his shirt, quickly wraps it into a ball and tosses it into the crowd. Beef starts running the ropes, almost physically moving the ring with each bounce off of the ropes.
Magnus: The following is a handicap match for the XHF X*Crown! Introducing first, BEEEEEEEEF.
“The Human Drive in Hi-Fi” by CKY then plays and after a small pause, Magnus realises that’s his music and awkwardly carries on.
Magnus: And his partner, me! I mean, Magnus!
Magnus shrugs and stays at the commentary table for the time being. The lights dim down as the echoing intro to "St Patrick" by PVRIS begins to fill the arena and a single spotlight hits the entrance.
"You give me something to talk about (something to talk about), HEY."
The song bursts into life, and Rob Arnold slowly enters the arena. Dressed in ring gear and an all black hoodie which restricts the view of his face, he surveys his surroundings. Staring ahead of him, offering little but a trademark smirk he places his right foot forward and takes to a knee, placing the CWA Championship on the ground briefly, and then flings back his hood with his right hand. Arnold stares straight ahead towards the ring once more, before slowly standing up, taking the title back over his shoulder and making his way to the ring.
"I know it's chemicals, that make me cling to you (cling to you)
Oh and I need a miracle, to get away from you (way from you)
I know it's chemicals (that make me cling to you, cling to you)
And I need a miracle (to make me stay with you, stay with you)
And I'm not spiritual (but please stay)
'Cause I think you're a saint, and I think you're an angel."
Rob approaches the ring and runs his hand along the apron before approaching and walking up the steps, and then through the ropes and into the ring.
"I said ooh, oooh, you give me something to talk about (something to talk about)
I said ooh, oooh, you give me something to think about, that's not the shit in my head
You're a miracle
You're a miracle (a miracle)"
Arnold hands the title to the referee but before he can raise the belt nor start the match, some more music plays...
"Ah look at all the lonely people
Ah look at all the lonely people"
“Eleanor Rigby” by the Beatles plays over the P.A. system
"All the lonely people
Where do they all come from?
All the lonely people
Where do they all belong?"
Scorpion walks out with WWO Championship wrapped around his waist. Rob smiles as he watches his close friend walk down to the commentary desk, where he takes off and neatly places the belt on the table, before taking a second headset and sitting next to a very confused Magnus.
Magnus: What are you doing here?
Scorpion: Commentary!
Magnus: Uh, Scorps, I know you’ve been hit on your head a lot so it’s easy to forget, but I’m the commentary!
Scorpion: But... you’re in the match.
Magnus: Yeah but...I was going to do both.
Scorpion: There’s going to be a lot of dead air though when you’re in the ring, that’s not good TV. And you say I’ve been hit in the head too much.
Magnus sighs.
Magnus: Fine, stay, commentate, whatever.
The referee, who has been fairly patient during all this, finally lifts the title to the air to signify a title match, before handing it off to the timekeeper The bell rings and Arnold looks Beef up and down. He glances outside of the ring and its apparent that Magnus is going to let his partner do most of the work, in fact, possibly all of it as he goes back to the commentary table and places his headset back on.
Magnus: So, here we go, Rob Arnold in his first, and last title defence here on GUNS.
X*Crown Championship Match
Rob Arnold vs Magnus & BEEEEEEEEEF
Arnold and Beef lock up, and Beef immediately backs Arnold into the corner using his size and power. As the referee calls for a break, Beef slaps Arnold across the chest which echoes around the gym. Arnold drops to one knee and holds his chest as Beef backs up, yelling “BEEF” at his downed opponent. Rob quickly gets back up and they start to circle each other again. Beef goes to tie up but Rob ducks under and before Beef can turn he slams a kick to the back of the his leg, dropping him to one knee. Arnold shimmies around to the plant another kick, this time in his chest, he connects and goes for a second but Beef grabs his foot and stands up, he swipes his foot away so hard that Rob spins 360 degrees. Beef attempts a clothesline but Arnold ducks and both men use their momentum to bounce off the rope, Arnold goes with a low dropkick which plants Beef face first on the mat.
Magnus: Come on Beef!
Scorpion: You know you’re not being a very good partner right now.
Rob gets up and sees that Beef is a bit slow to get up, sensing an early win he backs into the corner of the ring.
Magnus: Oh no you don’t!
Magnus rushes his headset off and as Rob goes for Beef, Magnus has run up the steel steps and grabbed him around the neck with his one arm. Arnold, surprised by this attempts to swat him off but Beef has recovered and charges at Arnold, hitting a large splash. With Rob dropping to the floor, Magnus contently heads back down the steps and to the commentary table, whilst Beef picks Arnold up, now in control.
Scorpion: You know you probably should stay out there.
Magnus: You know you probably should be on your boat and not here annoying me!
Beef wastes little time in using his size and scoops Rob up, and hits him with a fall away slam. Rob’s body rolls across the ring. Beef isn’t in the mood to let him catch his breath though, he gets up and quickly stands over him, stomping on the X*Crown champion three times. He pulls him back to his feet and whips him into the ropes, as he returns he lifts Rob high up and drops him with a flapjack.
Magnus: Man I’m so glad he’s my bodyguard.
Scorpion: You know I’ve just realised he looks like that Big Dick guy from MCCW, isn’t that weird?
Magnus opts to ignore Scorpion whilst Arnold crawls to the ropes, with his head resting on the bottom rope, Beef however sees this as an opportunity and places his foot on the back of Arnold’s neck. The referee begins to count but Beef seems nonplussed, instead asking Magnus is he’s planning on joining him any time soon, before letting his foot off Arnold’s neck.
Magnus: You’ve got this covered, just let me know when you want to finish this and I’ll be there! Man I forgot how fun it was to be in the ring!
With the instruction clear to carry on, Beef bends and grabs Rob by the back of the neck, as he gets to his feet, Rob however fights back, throwing a right hand to his stomach which shocks Beef, Arnold does it again which releases Beef’s hand from the back of his head, he stands up straight and hits a European uppercut, which staggers Beef back a couple steps Rob drops back to bounce off the ropes and floor Beef with a running STO! Cover! 1...2...Beef powers out.
Scorpion: Woo! Let’s go Rob!
Rob doesn’t hang around, and backs into the corner, he climbs onto the second turnbuckle. And waits for Beef to slowly get back to his feet. Beef turns towards Rob and he leaps off, going for a double axe handle, but Beef sees him coming and plants a foot into his gut. Rob doubles over and Beef takes full advantage, grabbing him and hitting him with a massive powerbomb. He makes the cover. 1...2...Rob gets the shoulder up!
Magnus: Wait a minute, he’s not meant to...Hey!
Magnus shouts at Beef who stands up and stares at him.
Magnus: That’s not what we discussed!
Beef holds his arms out as if to invite Magnus into the ring.
Scorpion: I think he wants you to join him.
Magnus: Oh! Yeah this is where I come in, I forgot that!
Magnus pulls the headset off once more and quickly slides into the ring. Beef stands back as Magnus stalks Rob, who is using the ropes to get to his feet. As he turns, Magnus goes for the Magnum Cutter, but Rob pushes him off and almost into Beef, who stops Magnus from flying into him. However Rob then hits Magnus in the back with a dropkick, which thrusts Magnus into Beef, who falls back and rolls out of the ring. Magnus stumbles and goes to check on Beef, as he looks over at his partner though he is suddenly grabbed around the waist, and Rob hits a German suplex. Not content with one, he keeps his gripped locked in and drags Magnus to his feet for a second German, and then, a third.
Scorpion: Three German Suplexes...I wonder if there’s a French Suplex. If there is, bet it’s rubbish.
Rob gets to his feet and begins to stalk Magnus, but Beef is back in the ring and he charges at Arnold, who ducks the clothesline, and as Beef turns he hits a stiff superkick which sends him over the top rope and hard to the outside. Arnold looks back at Magnus who is on all f- sorry, all threes and Rob doesn’t hesitate to hit the Shattered Ice. He covers, 1...2...3!
Winner and STILL X*Crown Champion: Rob Arnold
Scorpion: And just like that, Rob does it! Wait, why is nobody announcing it? Oh yeah…
Scorpion leans over and grabs the microphone as “St Patrick” starts to play.
Scorpion: Here is your winner, and still X*Crown Champion….Rob Arnold!
Scorpion takes his headset off and grabs the WWO and CWA belts. He slides into the ring and hands Rob his title, they celebrate in the ring as we fade to black.
Magnus: Tonight! Coming to you live from Venom’s Gym in Hot-Lanta, Georgia, Earth, Space Sector 2314, it’s the Contractually Obligated Golden Gun Awards, hosted by The Borgs! With special guests Marty Jannetty, Janitor Bob, Brad Swann, Rob Arnold, Tom Arnold, and Paul Lynde as center square! Now here’s your hosts, Evil Borg and Heavy Metal Borg!
The curtain opens to reveal a glass podium and generic award show music plays as Evil and Heavy Metal come out from stage left in tuxedos.
: “Welcome to the jungle, we've got fun and games
We got everything you want honey, we know the names
We are the people that can find whatever you may need
If you got the money, honey we got your disease.”
: Well put Heavy Metal Borg. Yes, all that and more tonight on this award show that we are forced to put on because we forced Magnus to restart the wrestling show and apparently an award show is mandatory per season. Anyway, let's get this farce over with.
Cut to Mecha Goldbear IV operating a camera.
: Negative masters, the GoldenGunAwards.mp4 must run throughout the entire show.
: Ugh, the whole show!? Okay. I guess I can’t just read this off. Does that mean we have to do the musical number?
: Yes.
The lights go out except for a single spotlight on Evil Borg. Some light acoustic guitar music starts to play.
: I can break your heart with a work of art.
And a song that's small and quiet.
But we're back where we began it all.
At Venom’s Gym, we may start a riot.
...So tonight...
...we...
...might...
...go...
Rockettes music starts to play. A bunch of Rockette style dancers come out and line up on either side of Evil. They start kicking to the beat.
..bigger!
That right, it's bigger,
It's GUNS's greatest night, and we're rarin' to go!
Let's make it bigger,
Tonight it's bigger,
Who will take home a Golden Gun statue?
We don't know!
I guarantee a truly legendary show!
Hardcore guitar shredding plays and Heavy Metal Borg knee slides across the stage.
: “Big gun
Big gun number one
Big gun
Big gun kick the hell out of you
Big gun, got a hot one
Big gun, got a number one
Big gun, loaded and cocked
Big gun, hot hot hot
Got big gun, ready or not
Big gun, give it, give it a shot
Terminator, Uzi makers
Regulators, gonna get you later
Big gun kick the hell out of you!”
The music goes back to more award showy big band style. Heavy and Evil stand side by side and the Rockette’s start to choreography with them.
: Bigger!
That's right it's bigger.
I'm walkin' on the stage with Golden Guns in tow!
This show is bigger.
Tonight it's bigger.
If there's a different GUN wrestler you prefer, you let me know, you'll get a pop in the mouth before you go!
So welcome to our bigger better bigger better
Best of GUNS Award Show!
They all pause their dancing and hold for applause as the music stops. Evil and Heavy Metal are breathing hard. The limited audience cheers with delight. Evil wipes his helmeted brow and heads over to the podium.
: Okay, now time for our first award. Now, we Borgs are eeeeeevil, mwua ha ha! So, since we get to choose the awards categories, here is the one we are doing first, setting the stage for the evilness of them all, because we are despicable and we love to see other sinister things afoot in this netwo--
Heavy gives Evil the wrap it up motion.
: Right, right. First category, the Golden Gun for Best Murder! And the nominees are…
...The Guns for murdering MGK in the trunk of the their car! Did they know he was there or didn’t they? We’ll never know, because they were never found and are still presumed dead as far as I know, which is why I’m here trying to take advantage and forced to do this. Anyway, I’d like to believe they murdered him on purpose. I know, “MGK” has shown up since, but we have alternate realities and time travel and probably clones, so who knows who that is. Sorry, next nominee…
...Brad Swann for stabbing Yuki Sakaraba! Sure, she “lived” but as someone else. I’d refer back to my last rant, but she went the Price slash Time Lord route as why she looks different. Really? Maybe she’s telling the truth. Maybe they’re all lying. Time Lord’s are jerks and don’t let anyone tell you different. Next nominee…
...Marty Jannetty for murking a pedo when he was thirteen! I know, old murder, but recent revelation. Very recent. As an XHF legend and tag team specialist to pave the way for people like us, how could we not nominate Marty? Fantastic stuff. And apparently, more murder is on the way, because he said that was the first time. Anyway, the last nominee…
...A mysterious “someone” who murdered Dylan Black’s family! We know, it’s a little old, and he was Anomoly at the time, but the revelation that he was Anomoly sheds new light on this one. He already had a mask, a secret identity. His family is murdered, and he vows to catch the killer ...by continuing to wrestle and never mention them again? How has no one connected the dots? He’s the Carol Baskin of the XHF as far as I can tell. But… that’s why he’s on the list, deliciously evil. But is it evil enough? Let’s open the envelop.
Drumroll.
: And the winner is… Brad Swann for murdering Yuki number one! The most recent murder, got away with it pretty well, and I don’t want to end up a mantle piece. Live via satellite, here’s Brad Swann!
A screen turns on showing a graveyard. We zoom in on a gravestone that reads “Brad Swann.” The feed cuts.
: Well… he’s dead. That’s just great. I guess we’ll accept the award on his behalf. Thank you Mr. Swann for your evil doing!
A crash is heard.
: You sons of bitches! You mother fuckers! You fucked me! You fucked me worse than I’d fuck my own daughter!
: Woa, looks like we have an angry nominee that I didn’t know was even here.
: I was buying a dime bag in the alley and about to do what that f***** wanted me to do because I didn’t have enough money and I heard my fucking name! Give me the gold so I can get me a hooker you pieces of--
Security grabs Marty and pulls him away.
: We’re going to get this under control. We’ll be back for more awards later!
We cut to the ring inside Venom’s Gym in Atlanta GA. Not seen since season one, there are people in attendance, all in masks and socially distanced, but still, the GUN Show has an audience once again. The camera moves from panning around the gym to the ramp entrance, where Rob Arnold is stood alone, dressed in a smart suit. Rob looks around before raising a microphone to his lips.
Arnold: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to The GUN Show!
He smirks as the small crowd in attendance cheer.
Arnold: We may be missing Mueller, Venom may be in prison, but we still have Goldbear II, we still have the Borgs, and just like me, they will all be here tonight!
More cheers.
Arnold: But first, first ladies and gentlemen, part of the reason we are all here is because...well, because of me! At Night of Champions, I bested six other competitors from across the XHF Network, and won the XHF X*Crown. And tonight, I get to continue the tradition of parading which titles I’ll be using to represent the Crown. Will I have a physical crown? Too obvious. Will I carry a number of them on me? Did that last time. So what will I do? To show you, I’ll need Joey Hawke to join me.
Rob steps to the side and looks to the curtain, which doesn’t do anything for what seems like forever. Then, slowly, Joey Hawke emerges, his back to the crowd as he is pulling a large wooden trunk on wheels. Given that he’s quite an old man and that the trunk most likely contains all twenty X*Crown Titles, it’s a serious struggle for him. Slowly he wheels it fully out and after taking a few large breaths, with his hands firmly on his knees, he steps off to the other side so Rob can continue.
Arnold: Thank you Joey. Was hoping that would be a slightly smoother transition but beggars can’t be choosers I suppose!
Joey glares at Arnold, who continues.
Arnold: Anyway, these titles. I thought about a number of different combinations…
Rob walks over to the trunk and opens it, and starts to rummage through the belts with one hand as he continues to speak.
Arnold: I’ve had a lot of different ideas on how I should showcase these fine twenty belts. Ultimately though, I realised that there is one belt that’s in here that I’ve wanted to showcase the most…
He smiles as he seemingly has found what he’s looking for. He closes the lid and stands back up, turning back to the crows with the CWA Title now propped on his shoulder.
Arnold: Ah yes, the CWA Title, this was my contribution to the X*Crown all those years ago. I always felt that I gave this up too easily. So I think it’s only right that I hold onto it a lot tighter this time.
Rob smirks and turns to Joey Hawke, who all this time has looked pretty put out at having had to bring this trunk of titles on Rob’s order.
Arnold: Yes, this will do nicely. Thank you Joey.
Hawke looks bewildered and he takes a step towards Arnold.
Hawke: Wait, that’s it?
Arnold: What do you mean?
Hawke: You’re just taking the CWA Title?
Arnold: I am, yes. It’s simple, it’s full of prestige, and it represents my history. Were you expecting something else?
Rob shrugs.
Hawke: Kid, you’re telling me you got me, an old man, to bring all these titles down here with no help at all, just so you could take one out and send me on my way with the other nineteen?
Rob pauses for a moment to consider it.
Arnold: I guess I am! Thanks Joey!
Hawke: Now wait a damn minute!
Ignoring him, Arnold pats Joey on the shoulder and heads through the curtain. “St Patrick” by PVRIS starts to play, leaving a furious Joey Hawke abandoned with the large X*Crown Title Trunk. He pulls at it and whilst it does move, it doesn’t move very far. Hawke looks back at the curtain and attempts to call after Rob once again, but he is long gone. The camera quickly cuts to Magnus at the commentary desk, because it probably would be a bit cruel to watch Joey try and drag that out without any help.
Magnus: Well, once again welcome to the GUN Show! I don’t know why Rob wanted to do that and waste everybody’s time when I’ll be taking the title off him tonight, but each to their own! We’ll be back with some in ring action...soon...I’m sure Joey can manage..
We cut back to the awards show stage where Evil and Heavy are at the podium.
: Now to present the Golden Gun award for the Best New Tag Team in Guns, Heavy Metal Borg!
: WOOOOP!...
The screen behind him shows Cliff and Mormon from the first new match of season 2.
: ...OOOOP!...
Now we see a clip of The Youthful Affluence from the following episode.
: ...WOOOOP!...
Next is a clip of Unchallenged Epoch from the next tag team challenge of the season.
: ...OOOOOOP!....
And lastly, a clip of the threesome, Contemporary Twenty Four Hours, from the midseason finale.
: “Once I never could hope to win
You starting down the road leaving me again
The threats you made were meant to cut me down
And if our love was just a circus you'd be a clown by now”
: Wow! Congrats to Youthful Affluence! Lets go to them live on the Atlanta Hospital Zoom System!
The screen turns on and we see Matt Jordan in a nearly full body cast, eyes closed, heart monitor beeping. On his night stand is a picture of his brother, Nick Jordan, with text that reads “Rest in Peace, 7/28/89 - 2/15/20”
: Yeeeee… more death. Let’s just… go to the next award. Ladies and gentlemen, the next award is the Golden Gun for the Best Bear! And your nominees...
...Goldbear...
...Goldbear II…
...Triple B…
...Mongo…
...and Mecha Gold-bear IV
: And the winner is…
A loud roar from the Bear Necessities Champion can be heard from backstage.
: AAAHH! I mean, heh hehe, did we say “best bear?” We meant, best mechanical bear like entity, therefore, by proxy your only winner can be… Mecha Gold-bear IV!
The camera cuts to Mecha Gold-bear IV, whom looks as shocked as a robot can look.
: I… won? Does not compute…
Mecha Gold-bear IV walks up to the podium.
: You admire my display settings, you really admire my display settings! Mecha Gold-bear IV would like to thank the academy, and his masters, and his processor. Execute tears.exe. Thank yo--
More natural bear roars are heard. Much closer now.
: Mecha, time to get off the stage pal! I don’t have time to make the Mach V version. Move move move!
The run off as we cut back to the ring for the Bear Necessities title defense.
Magnus: Goldbear II is in the ring with his belt in his mouth. He is ready for his opponent, but I’m going to be honest with all of you, I couldn’t find anyone willing to step foot in the ring with him for the title so we might be sitting here until Goldbear II leaves.
Goldbear II: RAAAAAAAWR!
Magnus: What’s that?
A tap tap sounds out over the PA system and a man appears on stage with a mic in hand.
: I heard there was an open challenge for a championship.
Magnus: Oh my God! That’s Barrett Bobby!
: For years I’ve been working the independent scene waiting for my shot. Some people may say I’m crazy for showing up here to wrestle a bear, but this is my shot at the big time. No more watching as imposters win titles left and right. So I accept your challenge Goldy.
Goldbear II whips the belt out of the ring and drops down to his butt and sits down waiting for his challenger.
Magnus: Looks like we have a match. Barrett Bobby a representative of the Indy scenes Idols stable against the only active member of the GUNS stable.
Bear Necessities Championship Match
Goldbear II vs Barrett Bobby
Barrett slides into the ring and stands up bouncing around as the ref calls for the bell. Goldbear II stands up to his feet and towers over his opponent. Now in the ring with a standing bear Barrett seems to realize he made a mistake. He quickly though delivers shots to the mid-section of Goldbear II in rapid succession. Goldbear II lets out a roar and pushes Barrett back. He bounces into the ropes and bounce back into a grizzly magnum from Goldbear II. Barrett collapses to the mat and screams “This was a bad idea.” Goldbear II reaches down and pulls Barrett up and hugs him tight squeezing the breath out of him with a bear hug. Barrett quickly screams he quits and the ref calls for the bell.
Winner and STILL Bear Necessities Champion: Goldbear II
Magnus: Well, that’s not going to make it any easier to find him an opponent next week.
We are back at the stage for more awards.
Magnus: Ladies and gentlemen, the highlight of the evening aside from me wrestling, GUNS present the Miss GUNS pageant, sponsored by JROK! Hosted by special guest, Tom Arnold! I thought he was Rob’s brother and was hoping to curry some favor for later tonight, but boy was I wrong!
Tom Arnold walks out to the stage.
: Our lovely ladies, who’s bikini contest… will not be seen because they’re all stuck in Japan… at least they don’t look like my fat ex-wife! Ha ha! Let’s see here, we’ve got...
...Evilyn Borg…woof woof am I right. Would still marry her over my ex-wife!
...Heavy Metallina Borg… oh wow, also not looking good, but her head’s still smallar than my ex-wifes!
...Mecha Goldbearica IV… a robot huh? Still more personality than my ex-wife!
...Esmerelda Kanyon… the first lady!? Nice. You know, I wish my ex-wife was the first lady… on a one way trip to Mars! And the winner is...NOT MY EX-WIFE! I tell ya, she was such a bi--
Tom is hit across the back with a chair by Evil Borg.
: I’m sorry, I couldn’t take that one note comedy anymore. The check cleared again, so your winner again is Esmerelda Kanyon! Here she is, live from Japan!
The screen shows Esmerelda in her dressing room at JROK.
: Oh thank you all so much for choosing me to be Miss GUNS again! Two time winner! I’m having so much fun wrestling here in Japan! I beat a ninja! You know, I would think that’s racist, but I’m here in Japan, so it’s not. Now, if we were there in America, and they made a Japanese wrestler be a ninja, that would be racist, am I right? Who would do that in today’s age? Anyway, I will continue to wear the crown with honor, thank you all!
: Back with more, right after this!
We cut backstage and Rob Arnold is now dressed in his ring gear, he’s talking to MCCW North American Champion, Leon Chant, as well as XHF Hall of Famer, Scorpion.
Arnold: I’m telling you, it’s a learn by doing thing, the more you listen to him, the more you understand it.
Chant: You know I didn’t want to believe you, but after spending some time after Night of Champions with you guys, I felt like I was getting the gist of what he was saying, and you’re right, he is a charming bear.
Their conversation is soon broken up as they all turn around, a sound of panting and something on wheels being pulled has caught their attention. The camera pans around and there stands Joey Hawke, who has turned a shade of purple having hauled the X*Crown Title Trunk back out the ring with little help. He stops pulling to place his hands on his knees again and tries to engage in conversation with Arnold.
Hawke: K- Kid…
He takes a large breath.
Hawke: This...This is really not fair...I thought-
He straightens back up to take another large breath.
Hawke: I thought you were going to...to do something with all these belts.
Arnold looks at Scorpion and Chant, and then back at Hawke.
Arnold: You know, you’re right Joey, I did say that, thank you for reminding me. With that in mind, I’m glad you’ve brought these to me.
Rob walks over and opens the trunk back up, He moves a couple belts around before taking one out and walking back to Scorpion, handing it to him.
Arnold: Remember this?
Scorpion: Ohhh, I do! It’s the WWO World Title.
Arnold: You are correct, and once again it’s yours.
Scorpion: What?
Hawke: What?
Arnold: Hold onto it for me, please?
Hawke: You can’t do that!
Arnold: And whilst I’m at it...
He trails off and looks past Hawke who he is clearly ignoring, spotting somebody off camera.
Arnold: Hey, Strangelove, come here a sec!
Coming now into shot is another infamous name of XHF past, Dr Strangleove. He slinks up next to Joey and purrs.
Strangelove: Ohhhh Joey, look at you all sweaty, I’m so jealous!
He giggles and turns to Rob.
Strangelove: What can I do for you Robbie darling?
Smirking, Rob walks up to the trunk and dips his hand in once more, once again pulling out another title.
Arnold: Take this and hold onto it for me, show it off as much as possible.
Strangelove looks at the title and lets out a feminine squeal.
Strangelove: Ohhhh it’s the SEX Championship!
Arnold: That's right! Do you like it?
Strangelove: Oh I love it darling! You know me so well. It’s been a while since a handsome man gave me a nice shiny gift. I’ll show it off everywhere and in every way possible.
He looks at Leon Chant and winks.
Strangelove: And I mean every way.
Chant turns away from Strangelove’s eye contact and whispers ‘oh hell no’ under his breath. Strangelove skips off, giving Joey Hawke a small wave as he does. Hawke is beginning to turn purple again, this time though from anger.
Hawke: Kid, you really can’t do this!
Arnold: I really can, and I will. You should be happy with this Joey! For the first time in years, every single championship will be given some attention that doesn’t require somebody to try and wear all of them. Seriously, that was really stupid and there was about six less belts back then!
Hawke: But-
Arnold: And you and Mongo are welcome. Honestly the things I do for the XHF, you’re lucky I don’t demand commission on all the money I must make him.
Hawke: But-!
Arnold: Anyway, Leon will take the trunk off your hands for now-
Chant: I will?
Arnold: You will. Safe flight back to Minnesota, Joey!
Rob pats Hawke on the shoulder, as he did earlier and walks off. Chant and Scorpion follow, the former closing the lid to the trunk and dragging it with much more ease than Hawke did. Hawke watches them leave, defeated.
Hawke: ...I give up.
We cut to Venom. He is sitting inside a damp dark room with concrete walls sitting at a steel table. His hair is dirty and his face looks tired like he hasn't slept in days. There are bags under his eyes. He's alone, it's quiet, until the silence is broken by the squeaking of a door opening off camera. Two figures walk in, their backs to the camera and sit across from Venom. Venom lets out a deep sigh.
???: Hello, are you ready to talk this morning?
Venom rolls his eyes and shakes his head.
???: Look, Detective Lopez and I aren't here to be the "bad guys" in your story, but we'll have to be if you won't talk to us.
Venom: You brought me here from a holding cell and left me here for hours alone but you guys aren't the bad guys. Right.
Lopez: Detective Swartz and I are sorry about that. We got caught up in a different interrogation and it took longer than we thought.
Venom: Yeah, what did Charlie tell you? Did you tell him why we're here?
Swartz: Oh, no, it was with a different case. We didn't arrest Mr. Velez, this case has nothing to do with him.
Venom: What? How is that possible. We've been together for nearly two years. How does whatever you've got me here for have nothing to do with him.
Lopez: Well he didn't steal a bear from a Zoo and then teach it to become a killing machine.
Venom: Ha, are you serious?
Swartz opens the file in front of him and lays out the photos of the faces of four men who have been mauled to be unrecognizable.
Swartz: Serious as a heart attack.
Venom flinches at the photos and turns his head to the side.
Venom: I don't know what that is, but I had nothing to do with it. The only person I'm accused of having a part in their death was a dumb practical joke.
Lopez: Unfortunately you're wrong. These four men were in the woods hunting when they were mauled to death by a bear, by a bear that you trained to be a man killing machine.
Venom: I didn't train Goldbear II to kill. I trained him to wrestle. Men have been training bears to wrestle since forever.
Swartz: Yeah in carnivals. Is that what you are, a carny? Is that what wrestling is, a bunch of carnys?
Lopez: Be careful there Swartz, I don't think they like to be called Carnys. They think they are athletes.
Venom: We are athletes.
Lopez: See? You don't want to insult the man.
Venom rolls his eyes again.
Venom: I don't understand what you're trying to do here. You want me to tell you I did something, but I didn't. I have nothing to do with what happened to these people here. I was lost for nearly two years no where near whatever happened here.
Lopez: That may be true, but the bear you trained to kill...
Venom: To wrestle...
Lopez: ...It was near there and it did this.
Venom: How do you know?
Both detectives look at each other.
Venom: Did you capture my bear? Is Goldbear II in captivity? Was his DNA on the bodies?
Swartz: Don't be silly, we don't have a bear DNA list.
Venom: So how do you know?
Lopez: Look, you're the only one who released a trained bear in the general area of where these attacks happened do you're responsible. If you don't want to admit to it then we'll just have to hold you captive until we can get you a bail hearing.
Swartz: And with the pandemic, that might take awhile.
Venom drops his head as the two detectives leave the room leaving Venom alone again.
: Okay folks, we’re back with another award to give out here on the Not So Annual Golden Gun Award Show! As you can see the show is completely sold out!
The camera pans across the crowd to show every other chair filled with people going nuts at a safe social distance!
: Well you know, sold out as far as pandemics go…..anyways...It looks like Evil and Heavy Metal Borg are back to present another award.
Evil and Heavy return to the podium as the crowd claps.
: Silence!
The applause faded away.
: We are here to present another Golden Gun award. This one is entitled “The Most Anticipated Return award.” We have compiled a list of entities that have been gone and down for far long….”
: ...Down too long in the midnight sea.
: The winner that has been selected will be the ominous return you pestilent fans long for the most. Heavy Metal Borg, the nominations.
: WOOOOOOP!
Heavy hands Evil the envelope.
: And the nominees are….The McRib!
: That’s terrible for you….but so damn delicious.
: A Former XCrown Champion and self proclaimed super legend of the business. “The Face of the Franchise” Steve Awesome.
: Oh? Steve is one of the best around. I wouldn’t mind seeing him back. That’s for sure.
: The Boys. Season Two!
: Ooh yeah! That’s my pick! I can't wait for that show to come back!
: Duke Kosloff.
: Nope.
: And finally Maverick after his twenty third neck surgery.
: Meh.
: And the winner of the Most Anticipated Return award is…THE BOYS SEASON TWO! Premiering September Fourth on Amazon Prime!
The Boys theme song plays and a little video plays on the screen.
: Yes! I definitely have my calendar set for that show! That’s a well deserved win for The Boys.
“ARE YOU KIDDING ME!?”
: What the?
Evil and Heavy look over to find Steve Awesome standing on the stage glaring at them from behind a pair of sunglasses.
: Are you seriously kidding me right now!?
Steve storms over to the podium.
: Holy crap, it’s Steve Awesome! He’s back!
: Somebody better come out here and tell me they are kidding me! Or else I’m about to get really pissed and I’m not even kidding!
Steve starts pacing back and forth as his anger starts to bubble.
: How in the hell are you gonna have The Most Anticipated Return Award and not just hand it to me the moment it’s created? It is complete and utter nonsense that I didn’t win this award!”
Steve turns and points at the crowd.
: You people should be anticipating my return A-fuckin-F! I mean like seriously holding your breath waiting for the moment I step back on XHF Network TV!”
He shrugs.
: Sure….SOME of you might die, but that’s like, the price you are all willing to pay for me.
Steve crosses his arms.
: Don't you people know how amazing and talented I am? I was pretty much beating up everyone and earning all sorts of title matches. I had one bad week and suddenly you think you can just cast me out to the curb!?
Steve shakes his head in disgust.
: I can't believe you didn’t vote for me to win Most Anticipated return. Like, I’m actually kind of offended here. I mean you should all know that my return is going to be off the charts.
: Okay. Maybe he’s not back?
: When I return you people aren’t even going to know what hit you. I’m going to have the most badass return of all time. It’s going to be intense and it’s going to kick a lot of ass. The moment you see me return to the XHF you are going to be like “oh my god, I can’t believe how much I was anticipating that return!”
He walks over and yanks the Golden Gun out of Evil Borgs hands.
: This award is now officially mine. It is now an official marker to keep your eyes peeled for my grand return to the network. The best part about it folks, is you won’t know when and you won’t know where. But once it happens, it’ll be time to rock.”
Steve turns and looks at the Borgs.
: I’m taking this. Suck it.
Steve crotch chops at them and starts strutting off with the Most Anticipated Return award. Evil Borg shrugs it off.
: I’ll allow this. Only because I know what happens to him in ...THE AFTERWARD!
Steve stops in his tracks as Evil and Heavy walk off the stage in the opposite direction.
: Hold up...what did he say?
Steve turns around and starts running after the Borgs.
: Eh Yo! Weird robot dudes! Wait up! What happens to me!?
Steve runs offstage after them.
: WOW what a moment. Steve Awesome returns to tell us he is going to return at some point. I guess we will have to be on the lookout for that. And then he stole the award. Man, you just never know what’s going to happen on The Gun Show!
Velez Corp. is a big company, and at the top is Charlie Velez, well he was before he disappeared for nearly two years. Presumed dead his family had to do something with his business to keep it alive. Reluctantly the family put the head of HR Mr. X in charge. Now Charlie is back, and it turns out Mr. X was behind his disappearance. So What happens now? Well first, Charlie must retake his office. We open as he gets off of the elevator and makes his way to his office. Passing his secretaries desk he notices something.
Velez: You're not Karen.
???: I don't think her name was Karen.
Velez: Oh, well you're not the one before I left.
???: No I'm not. I'm Mary, Mary Poppins.
Velez: O...kay.
Velez walks through his office doors confused why his secretary is a Disney character and then he walks into his office and...
Velez: What the fuck happened in here.
The camera quickly follows him in to find his office is now completely themed like Disney's Haunted Mansion.
Velez: I'm going to kill him...
And we cut back to the arena. Back on stage, we see Evil Borg and Heavy Metal at the podium.
: We are now at the penultimate award, The Golden Gun MVP! We’ve got a handful of great nominees. They are...
...James Bond…
...The Borgs…
...Front Row Grandma...
...James Bond Jr...
...and Janitor Bob...
: And the winners are…
: “I've paid my dues
Time after time
I've done my sentence
But committed no crime
And bad mistakes
I've made a few
I've had my share of sand kicked in my face
But I've come through
We are the champions, my friends
And we'll keep on fighting 'til the end
We are the champions
We are the champions
No time for losers
'Cause we are the champions of the world”
: That’s right, it’s us! Of course it’s us! We are the true MVPs of the GUN Show! We brought it back! We filled the stands! Not you Janitor Bob!
Janitor Bob looks dejected.
: Hey, if there’s time to lean, there’s time to clean! Anyway, we had them hanging from the rafters before this shutdown business! We were on track to bring about ...THE AFTERWARD… and we still are! Just, a little slower now. But it will be here and we will be standing tall over all of you and you will kiss our feet and enjoy it! This is a fact! This is our destiny, and now we have the Golden Gun to prove it! Sorry Bob, maybe next season. But probably not. Mwua ha ha! BAH HA HA HA!
The music plays as the last award is ready to be given.
: Finally here. To end the award show. To get this charade over with! The final Golden Gun award of the evening. The Best GUN X*Crown Champion award! And the nominees…
...Venom…
...James Mueller…
...Charlie Velez…
...and Rob Arnold...
Drumroll
: And the winner is… Rob Arnold! Because he’s the only one alive and I don’t want to be bashed in with a chair! Here he comes to accept it and start his match!
Rob Arnold walks by the stage, looks up at the Borgs, shakes his head, and continues walking toward the ring.
: Uh, yeah… it’s cool, you can pick up your award later. Bye buddy!
Cut to the ring for the Main Event.
The lights to the gym dim down and the audience begins to cheer for the upcoming match-up. MF DOOM's "Deep Fried Frenz" starts bumping the sound system as white and purple spotlights cycle through the gym and the stage. Out steps Marquise Lee from the back, in bright purple wrestling trunk shorts and a smirk on his face.
He takes his time down the ramp towards the ring, moving his body with the beat of the song. Marquise Beef stops in front of the ring, he turns to his left, places his index finger on the left side of his jaw and moves his head to face to his right. He winks to the crowd and then jumps up to the apron of the ring almost effortlessly. He climbs into the ring and struts to the middle. He lowers his head briefly before swinging his arms up and in to flex as he yells "BEEF!" He takes off his shirt, quickly wraps it into a ball and tosses it into the crowd. Beef starts running the ropes, almost physically moving the ring with each bounce off of the ropes.
Magnus: The following is a handicap match for the XHF X*Crown! Introducing first, BEEEEEEEEF.
“The Human Drive in Hi-Fi” by CKY then plays and after a small pause, Magnus realises that’s his music and awkwardly carries on.
Magnus: And his partner, me! I mean, Magnus!
Magnus shrugs and stays at the commentary table for the time being. The lights dim down as the echoing intro to "St Patrick" by PVRIS begins to fill the arena and a single spotlight hits the entrance.
"You give me something to talk about (something to talk about), HEY."
The song bursts into life, and Rob Arnold slowly enters the arena. Dressed in ring gear and an all black hoodie which restricts the view of his face, he surveys his surroundings. Staring ahead of him, offering little but a trademark smirk he places his right foot forward and takes to a knee, placing the CWA Championship on the ground briefly, and then flings back his hood with his right hand. Arnold stares straight ahead towards the ring once more, before slowly standing up, taking the title back over his shoulder and making his way to the ring.
"I know it's chemicals, that make me cling to you (cling to you)
Oh and I need a miracle, to get away from you (way from you)
I know it's chemicals (that make me cling to you, cling to you)
And I need a miracle (to make me stay with you, stay with you)
And I'm not spiritual (but please stay)
'Cause I think you're a saint, and I think you're an angel."
Rob approaches the ring and runs his hand along the apron before approaching and walking up the steps, and then through the ropes and into the ring.
"I said ooh, oooh, you give me something to talk about (something to talk about)
I said ooh, oooh, you give me something to think about, that's not the shit in my head
You're a miracle
You're a miracle (a miracle)"
Arnold hands the title to the referee but before he can raise the belt nor start the match, some more music plays...
"Ah look at all the lonely people
Ah look at all the lonely people"
“Eleanor Rigby” by the Beatles plays over the P.A. system
"All the lonely people
Where do they all come from?
All the lonely people
Where do they all belong?"
Scorpion walks out with WWO Championship wrapped around his waist. Rob smiles as he watches his close friend walk down to the commentary desk, where he takes off and neatly places the belt on the table, before taking a second headset and sitting next to a very confused Magnus.
Magnus: What are you doing here?
Scorpion: Commentary!
Magnus: Uh, Scorps, I know you’ve been hit on your head a lot so it’s easy to forget, but I’m the commentary!
Scorpion: But... you’re in the match.
Magnus: Yeah but...I was going to do both.
Scorpion: There’s going to be a lot of dead air though when you’re in the ring, that’s not good TV. And you say I’ve been hit in the head too much.
Magnus sighs.
Magnus: Fine, stay, commentate, whatever.
The referee, who has been fairly patient during all this, finally lifts the title to the air to signify a title match, before handing it off to the timekeeper The bell rings and Arnold looks Beef up and down. He glances outside of the ring and its apparent that Magnus is going to let his partner do most of the work, in fact, possibly all of it as he goes back to the commentary table and places his headset back on.
Magnus: So, here we go, Rob Arnold in his first, and last title defence here on GUNS.
X*Crown Championship Match
Rob Arnold vs Magnus & BEEEEEEEEEF
Arnold and Beef lock up, and Beef immediately backs Arnold into the corner using his size and power. As the referee calls for a break, Beef slaps Arnold across the chest which echoes around the gym. Arnold drops to one knee and holds his chest as Beef backs up, yelling “BEEF” at his downed opponent. Rob quickly gets back up and they start to circle each other again. Beef goes to tie up but Rob ducks under and before Beef can turn he slams a kick to the back of the his leg, dropping him to one knee. Arnold shimmies around to the plant another kick, this time in his chest, he connects and goes for a second but Beef grabs his foot and stands up, he swipes his foot away so hard that Rob spins 360 degrees. Beef attempts a clothesline but Arnold ducks and both men use their momentum to bounce off the rope, Arnold goes with a low dropkick which plants Beef face first on the mat.
Magnus: Come on Beef!
Scorpion: You know you’re not being a very good partner right now.
Rob gets up and sees that Beef is a bit slow to get up, sensing an early win he backs into the corner of the ring.
Magnus: Oh no you don’t!
Magnus rushes his headset off and as Rob goes for Beef, Magnus has run up the steel steps and grabbed him around the neck with his one arm. Arnold, surprised by this attempts to swat him off but Beef has recovered and charges at Arnold, hitting a large splash. With Rob dropping to the floor, Magnus contently heads back down the steps and to the commentary table, whilst Beef picks Arnold up, now in control.
Scorpion: You know you probably should stay out there.
Magnus: You know you probably should be on your boat and not here annoying me!
Beef wastes little time in using his size and scoops Rob up, and hits him with a fall away slam. Rob’s body rolls across the ring. Beef isn’t in the mood to let him catch his breath though, he gets up and quickly stands over him, stomping on the X*Crown champion three times. He pulls him back to his feet and whips him into the ropes, as he returns he lifts Rob high up and drops him with a flapjack.
Magnus: Man I’m so glad he’s my bodyguard.
Scorpion: You know I’ve just realised he looks like that Big Dick guy from MCCW, isn’t that weird?
Magnus opts to ignore Scorpion whilst Arnold crawls to the ropes, with his head resting on the bottom rope, Beef however sees this as an opportunity and places his foot on the back of Arnold’s neck. The referee begins to count but Beef seems nonplussed, instead asking Magnus is he’s planning on joining him any time soon, before letting his foot off Arnold’s neck.
Magnus: You’ve got this covered, just let me know when you want to finish this and I’ll be there! Man I forgot how fun it was to be in the ring!
With the instruction clear to carry on, Beef bends and grabs Rob by the back of the neck, as he gets to his feet, Rob however fights back, throwing a right hand to his stomach which shocks Beef, Arnold does it again which releases Beef’s hand from the back of his head, he stands up straight and hits a European uppercut, which staggers Beef back a couple steps Rob drops back to bounce off the ropes and floor Beef with a running STO! Cover! 1...2...Beef powers out.
Scorpion: Woo! Let’s go Rob!
Rob doesn’t hang around, and backs into the corner, he climbs onto the second turnbuckle. And waits for Beef to slowly get back to his feet. Beef turns towards Rob and he leaps off, going for a double axe handle, but Beef sees him coming and plants a foot into his gut. Rob doubles over and Beef takes full advantage, grabbing him and hitting him with a massive powerbomb. He makes the cover. 1...2...Rob gets the shoulder up!
Magnus: Wait a minute, he’s not meant to...Hey!
Magnus shouts at Beef who stands up and stares at him.
Magnus: That’s not what we discussed!
Beef holds his arms out as if to invite Magnus into the ring.
Scorpion: I think he wants you to join him.
Magnus: Oh! Yeah this is where I come in, I forgot that!
Magnus pulls the headset off once more and quickly slides into the ring. Beef stands back as Magnus stalks Rob, who is using the ropes to get to his feet. As he turns, Magnus goes for the Magnum Cutter, but Rob pushes him off and almost into Beef, who stops Magnus from flying into him. However Rob then hits Magnus in the back with a dropkick, which thrusts Magnus into Beef, who falls back and rolls out of the ring. Magnus stumbles and goes to check on Beef, as he looks over at his partner though he is suddenly grabbed around the waist, and Rob hits a German suplex. Not content with one, he keeps his gripped locked in and drags Magnus to his feet for a second German, and then, a third.
Scorpion: Three German Suplexes...I wonder if there’s a French Suplex. If there is, bet it’s rubbish.
Rob gets to his feet and begins to stalk Magnus, but Beef is back in the ring and he charges at Arnold, who ducks the clothesline, and as Beef turns he hits a stiff superkick which sends him over the top rope and hard to the outside. Arnold looks back at Magnus who is on all f- sorry, all threes and Rob doesn’t hesitate to hit the Shattered Ice. He covers, 1...2...3!
Winner and STILL X*Crown Champion: Rob Arnold
Scorpion: And just like that, Rob does it! Wait, why is nobody announcing it? Oh yeah…
Scorpion leans over and grabs the microphone as “St Patrick” starts to play.
Scorpion: Here is your winner, and still X*Crown Champion….Rob Arnold!
Scorpion takes his headset off and grabs the WWO and CWA belts. He slides into the ring and hands Rob his title, they celebrate in the ring as we fade to black.