Post by Mongo the Destroyer on Oct 28, 2009 2:14:34 GMT -5
*The camera opens on an open Taco Bell cup being held between someone’s legs. Soon a flask appears above the fizzing cola and a blonde color liquid glides into the drink. A few moments pass afterwards as the culprit is probably re-hiding his alcohol dispenser. Then a hand comes down, takes the cup, and brings it to a mouth, smiling as it knocks back some of the drink. The camera pans out to reveal none other than Randy Angel sitting at a local Taco Bell. He looks at the camera as he puts down the drink.*
: Ahhhh, refreshing.
*He smiles friendlily.*
: Now Jason, you challenged me to a match, I’m sure you know that I never turn down the chance to get into the ring with someone, so you’ve got it, Gastro.
*The booze takes a slight hold of Randy as he wavers a little, then controls it.*
: Anyway, you gave me an idea Jason. Now, see, you were talking about Taco Bell as though you were shilling for it- of course that’s probably because it’s the name of the arena in which we’ll meet and you presumed that by saying the name all cool like that it’d somehow make things more epic. Well, when the name is “Taco Bell,” epic isn’t the first thing that comes to mind.
*He quickly whips a taco up with his hand.*
: Tacos are. So naturally, all that talk of tacos made me hungry, so I decided to get my eat on. And while I was plowing through a pile of tacos, I got to thinking. I started thinking that we and tacos, we aren’t all that different.
*Randy takes a bite of the taco and makes a face.*
: Gah, too much filler.
*He holds up the Taco where he bit it in order to show the insides of the taco.*
: Now take a careful look. What we have here is your average taco. Now lets not beat around the bush here, most of this crap is worthless. I mean, come on.
*Randy flicks one of the tomato cubes off of the top.*
: Tomato? What kind of flavoring is that? Actually, you know what? These guys are so small it doesn’t even constitute flavoring, and what’s underneath?
*Randy digs his finger through the lettuce, knocking it all onto the floor.*
: Lettuce. I swear this stuff is the most worthless thing we put on our food. I mean, it’s flavorless, when cut into little strips like these, it’s texture-less, why do we even put these things on our tacos?
*He cups his ear.*
: What was that? I can’t hear you, oh yeah, that’s because you’ll be direct quoting my promo AFTER I finish with it, sorry about that. Anyway, we dress up our tacos because we want them to look nice. And Taco Bell does it for a much more sinister reason.
*Randy reaches into his coat and pulls out another wrapped taco, this one is bigger- considerably bigger. He unwraps it and puts it next to the first one.*
: This is a Taco Johns taco. Notice the difference? Now sure, the Taco Johns’ taco might not be as pretty, but it makes up for it by delivering the goods in the form of meat and cheese. Taco Bell? Not so much.
*He takes a bite out of the Taco Johns taco.*
: Now then, this gets me onto my bigger point. See, Jason, you’re like a Taco Bell taco. Sure, you look great, there’s no doubt about that. But it’s only because you’re compensating on your total lack of personality. You can have all the lettuce and tomatoes on you that you want, but even you know that you’re a rip-off and not nearly as good as other tacos.
*Randy shrugs and takes a bite out of the Taco Bell taco.*
: Not like it matters much though, a taco is a taco. When you take off all of the lettuce and tomato squares, you’re left with a hamburger in a shell with cheese on it. That’s where I come in Jason.
*He finishes the Taco Bell taco.*
: I have a bit more flavor than you, because I know where to get it.
*He holds up a packet of Taco Bell’s fire sauce, pours it onto the Taco Johns taco, and finishes said taco. Then he holds up his spiked cola, cheers to the camera, takes a drink, and smiles.*
: Jason, you’re a crappy tiny taco without much flavor. I may be an alcoholic, but at least I’ve got a personality, so suck it. On Gastro, I’m gonna go in there and spread my hot sauce all over that ring, and you? Well, you’ll be just another taco wrapper on the ground.
*Randy gets up and walks off, the camera looks down, and sure enough, the table is surrounded by taco wrappers. The camera then fades out.*
: Ahhhh, refreshing.
*He smiles friendlily.*
: Now Jason, you challenged me to a match, I’m sure you know that I never turn down the chance to get into the ring with someone, so you’ve got it, Gastro.
*The booze takes a slight hold of Randy as he wavers a little, then controls it.*
: Anyway, you gave me an idea Jason. Now, see, you were talking about Taco Bell as though you were shilling for it- of course that’s probably because it’s the name of the arena in which we’ll meet and you presumed that by saying the name all cool like that it’d somehow make things more epic. Well, when the name is “Taco Bell,” epic isn’t the first thing that comes to mind.
*He quickly whips a taco up with his hand.*
: Tacos are. So naturally, all that talk of tacos made me hungry, so I decided to get my eat on. And while I was plowing through a pile of tacos, I got to thinking. I started thinking that we and tacos, we aren’t all that different.
*Randy takes a bite of the taco and makes a face.*
: Gah, too much filler.
*He holds up the Taco where he bit it in order to show the insides of the taco.*
: Now take a careful look. What we have here is your average taco. Now lets not beat around the bush here, most of this crap is worthless. I mean, come on.
*Randy flicks one of the tomato cubes off of the top.*
: Tomato? What kind of flavoring is that? Actually, you know what? These guys are so small it doesn’t even constitute flavoring, and what’s underneath?
*Randy digs his finger through the lettuce, knocking it all onto the floor.*
: Lettuce. I swear this stuff is the most worthless thing we put on our food. I mean, it’s flavorless, when cut into little strips like these, it’s texture-less, why do we even put these things on our tacos?
*He cups his ear.*
: What was that? I can’t hear you, oh yeah, that’s because you’ll be direct quoting my promo AFTER I finish with it, sorry about that. Anyway, we dress up our tacos because we want them to look nice. And Taco Bell does it for a much more sinister reason.
*Randy reaches into his coat and pulls out another wrapped taco, this one is bigger- considerably bigger. He unwraps it and puts it next to the first one.*
: This is a Taco Johns taco. Notice the difference? Now sure, the Taco Johns’ taco might not be as pretty, but it makes up for it by delivering the goods in the form of meat and cheese. Taco Bell? Not so much.
*He takes a bite out of the Taco Johns taco.*
: Now then, this gets me onto my bigger point. See, Jason, you’re like a Taco Bell taco. Sure, you look great, there’s no doubt about that. But it’s only because you’re compensating on your total lack of personality. You can have all the lettuce and tomatoes on you that you want, but even you know that you’re a rip-off and not nearly as good as other tacos.
*Randy shrugs and takes a bite out of the Taco Bell taco.*
: Not like it matters much though, a taco is a taco. When you take off all of the lettuce and tomato squares, you’re left with a hamburger in a shell with cheese on it. That’s where I come in Jason.
*He finishes the Taco Bell taco.*
: I have a bit more flavor than you, because I know where to get it.
*He holds up a packet of Taco Bell’s fire sauce, pours it onto the Taco Johns taco, and finishes said taco. Then he holds up his spiked cola, cheers to the camera, takes a drink, and smiles.*
: Jason, you’re a crappy tiny taco without much flavor. I may be an alcoholic, but at least I’ve got a personality, so suck it. On Gastro, I’m gonna go in there and spread my hot sauce all over that ring, and you? Well, you’ll be just another taco wrapper on the ground.
*Randy gets up and walks off, the camera looks down, and sure enough, the table is surrounded by taco wrappers. The camera then fades out.*