Guns Show s3e5: Black Friday (Cyber Monday)
Nov 28, 2021 23:52:23 GMT -5
Mongo the Destroyer, Kira Izumi, and 5 more like this
Post by Venom 🕷 on Nov 28, 2021 23:52:23 GMT -5
Welcome to the Gun Show! Boom, pow, pop. Pyros explode and we pan around the screaming crowd and see signs the read “RIP Redmond”, “Give me the Lizard,” and “Nelly is a Heel.” We cut to our announcers table at ringside where Magnus is prepared and Tom Phillips has his back turned chatting up a lady sitting behind him. She tears back and smacks Tom spinning him around in his chair.
Phillips: Welcome to the Gun Show.
Magnus: We have a packed show tonight.
Phillips: My favorite tag team Bang Bros are in the house and looking for a fight.
Magnus: And the main event will be another GUNS tag title defense.
Phillips: But first up is a surprise bout.
Magnus: Front row lady vs you?
Phillips: …
The opening of the Big Sean’s “Wolves” hits the pa system and El Rey strolls onto the stage wearing the mask he stole off of the head of El Combatiente. He looks around soaking up there surroundings before ripping the mask off of his head and revealing the half painted face. He strolls down the ramp ignoring the outstretched hands of the fans until he reaches the ring. At ringside he leaps up onto the apron and then over the ropes and spins around in the ring with his arms outstretched. He spins around a couple times and then calls for the mic.
Magnus: Oh it’s Venom Jr.
Phillips: He told me backstage not to call him that.
Magnus: Too bad. Why’s he here?
Phillips: I think he’s about to let us know.
In the ring the formerly face painted son of Venom and star of Next Level Wrestling grabs has grabbed a mic and is waiting to address the crowd. The crowd simmers down and he raises the mic.
El Rey: For months I have been trying to find out happened to my dad. For some reason you all think he’s dead. I get it, I did too, but at the end of the first few Gun Shows there he was. I know I’m not the only one whose seen it because my Uncle Charlie Velez saw it too. There’s also r/WheresVenomMueller where we have been getting help with this conspiracy, but nothing has really helped. That’s why my uncle and I found someone that might have some answers. Bring out the Borg!
The lights dim in the arena and the crowd begins to buzz. A spotlight hits the stage and out walks a pig wearing armor leading Charlie Velez on a leash.
Magnus: Oh my God! The former X*Crown Champion Thob is here in the GUNS Arena!
Phillips: Uh, are we sure that’s Thob? Just looks like some pig to me.
Magnus: You think it’s Wilbur from Charlotte’s Web? Even more amazing!
Phillips: No, I mean there’s no Slain and while Thob had changed forms before that doesn’t even appear to be the right species of pig.
Magnus: Thob is here!
Thob is put into the ring by Velez and the ref calls for the bell. Thob stands there looking adorable in its armor and does not move. El Rey stares at it waiting for it to do something, but it just stands there. El Rey walks over to it and grabs the helmet and rips it off. The pig like creature does nothing. This angers El Rey and he yells “tell me out to get my dad back,” but there is no response or movement from Thob. El Rey tosses the helmet down and then rips off the body armor as well and tosses it out of the ring and it nearly hits our announcer duo at ringside.
Magnus: Venom Jr. has been enraged.
El Rey: Don’t call me that damn it!
Phillips: I think he heard you.
Magnus: Yeah no Venom Jr. is looking at me instead of his opponent, big mistake.
El Rey has moved over towards the ring announcers table and has indeed turned his back on Thob. The screaming by El Rey seems to have upset Thob and the ancient Borg begins to run around the ring terrified and it runs into the back of the legs of El Rey and knocks him down. El Rey hits the mat face first and lays there for a second, but rolls over and kips up and follows it up with a strong kick to the side of Thob stopping it in its tracks. El Rey follows up with an elbow drop to the face and Thob crumbles and falls over to his side. El Rey quickly drops and makes the cover but the red refuses to make the count because the Borg’s shoulders are not on the mat.
Magnus: Brutal hits by Venom Jr. but Thob is an expert and knows to keep its shoulders off the mat.
Phillips: I don’t think it’s on purpose. I think it might be dead.
El Rey leaps to his feet and begins yelling at the ref, but the ref explains the shoulders aren’t down so he can’t count. El Rey let’s put a yell and then turns and starts kicking Thob until the ref stops the match due to Thob not being able to defend itself.
Winner due to ref stoppage: El Rey
Magnus: Venom Jr. just defeated a former X*Crown Champion!
Phillips: Did he really though?
Magnus: Yes he did, but he didn’t get the answers he was looking for. Hopefully this will help his grieving process and he can accept his dad’s death.
Phillips: Speaking of death, I think that pig is dead.
Magnus: If that were really a pig and not an ancient Borg I’d be worried about more PETA protests.
As the pig is disposed of we cut to a previously recorded segment. It is in the wee hours of the morning as a rather large crowd stands in front of the locked doors to a Best Buy in the deep south. Towards the front of the line we see GUNS wrestler (and totally not interviewer) Nelly Angel is seen chatting it up with an older gentleman. He wears a big sweatshirt and sweatpants, since it's just about midnight, along with the mask his brother Randy got for him a week ago.
Nelly: Yeah I'm looking for a webcam-mic set for my brother for Christmas. Covid has strained us a bit, especially since he works primarily overseas... and then keeps flying back and forth every month... and not quarantining.
Elderly Shopper: He must rack up tons of frequent flier miles. Does he ever get you free trips overseas? Maybe see the sights, meet famous people.
Nelly: No no, my job did that already. But since Covid I opted for a closer-to-home position.
Their conversation is interrupted by the doors to the store sliding open! The old man darts into the store, Nelly a beat behind him and the entire crowd behind them flooding in after! It is immediate chaos as all the people in the store are rushing for all the latest things! Big flat screen TVs, the newest consoles, and even household appliances are up for grabs as regular people are turned into crazed animals, desperate for basic things at discounted prices!
Nelly weaves his way around the store to the back end, where electronics are sold. He pushes past two middle aged adults literally fighting over an Xbox Series X and squeezes behind two old women waving their canes around trying to get the last Nintendo Switch. Nelly makes it over to the computer aisle and sees on the shelf, one last webcam and mic set left. Nelly runs over and grabs it! But as he does, someone comes from the opposite way and grabs it at the same time! He looks up to see-
Nelly: Kurt effing Angle?!
Kurt: Sorry, Mr. Fanboy. No time for an autograph! I've got to buy this!
Kurt Fucking Angle tries to yank the cam and mic from Nelly, but Nelly's grip is iron-clad!
Nelly: Hate to disappoint Mr. Angle, but I'm getting this for Randy! You'll have to find something else!
Kurt: Sorry but Jason specifically requested this make and model! You'll have to GET FUCKED!
Kurt Fucking Angle headbutts Nelly and begins to run away, but Nelly chases him down the aisle and chop blocks him to the ground, the gift rolling away!
Nelly: I can't let you have the set! It means too much to me!
Kurt: It means that much more to me though! Fuck your brother! Think of my son!
Nelly: I'm thinking that kid's gonna have a sad Christmas this year.
There's a tense pause, before Kurt Fucking Angle tears his closes away to reveal his wrestling gear underneath.
Kurt: HOW ABOUT YOU FUCKING FIGHT ME FOR IT THEN? FUCKING COWARD!
Nelly whips off his sweatshirt and tosses it over an aisle, his brow furrowing.
Nelly: We don't have to do this.
Kurt: COWARD!
Nelly charges at Kurt for a clothesline, but Kurt ducks underneath and wraps his arms around his waist and German suplexes him into a set up TV nearby! The crowd splits as they realize there's a good fight going down, and Kurt lifts up Nelly and begins to just pound his face in. Vicious lefts and rights to the former XHF Junior Heavyweight Champion's face! Nelly pushes Kurt off, before throwing him into a display case for next-gen consoles! But in a moment eerily similar to that 2001 King of the Ring match, Kurt's neck goes neck first and bounces off, the glass shaking and warbling.
Nelly: You can't win Kurt!
Kurt: YOU AREN'T EVEN A WRESTLER!
Kurt picks up Nelly and Irish whips him over the phone stand nearby, knocking it over and letting loose a dozen phones into the air! People scramble to pick up and pocket the phones, while Nelly takes some loose ones and chucks them at Angle! Targeting his broken fucking neck. He clocks Angle in the windpipe with the new Samsung Galaxy Z Flip 3, closing it on his throat! Kurt Fucking Angle goes down choking and Nelly dropkicks him into the appliance area. Angle crawls away and into a fridge as Nelly kicks him down! Nelly lifts Kurt back up and tosses him on a stovetop! Kurt kicks him back into a refrigerator and slams the door around Nelly's head!
Kurt: HAD ENOUGH, YOU PUNK BITCH?
Nelly shakes his head and pushes Kurt back. Kurt charges him and Nelly drop toe holds him into a washing machine. Good thing they aren't step siblings. He drops a knee across Kurt's back and Kurt slumps over! Nelly drags Kurt out, then Irish whips him into the console section again! CRASH! THE GLASS SHATTERS AND THE MOB JUMPS NELLY AND KURT! STAMPEDING THEM TO GET TO THE PS5S AND XBOX SERIES XS AND OTHER HARD-TO-GET-UNLESS-YOU-ARE-A-SCALPER CONSOLES! THE CROWD BEAT THE TAR OUT OF NELLY AND KURT OVER SOME VIDEIO GAME CONSOLES UNTIL THE STOCK IS OUT, THEN THEY ALL LEAVE!
Kurt and Nelly shake the cobwebs, trying to push back to their feet for more. They both look over where they dropped the webcam and mic set, the very thing they've been fighting for and it's gone! Kaput! Yes, the webcam set is indeed gone! They then turn to the closest register to see the webcam set and a receipt being handed to a customer! Kurt and Nelly both realizing this guy has bought the one item they both came in to get, charge at the random consumer and grab him! Kurt lifts him up in a gorilla press and sends him flying into a large stack of TVs which all come crashing down burying him! Nelly then pulls out a big shopping cart and slams it into the pedestrian's face, leaving him a mangled mess.
We then fade to much later, when most customers have cleared out and they can begin clean-up. One worker comes by and just stares at the unusual carnage brought on by this year's Black Friday. Or really just by Nelly and Kurt. He sighs.
Adrien: I'm getting too old for this crap.
We cut back to the live arena and “I’m Ok” by Little Big begins playing as “Guttertrash” Greg Adkins comes out from the back to stand at the entrance stage. He has the fake Phoenix championship belt around his waist with a particular amount of pride as he struts before a booing crowd.
Phillips: We’re getting ready to find out what’s going on with the Phoenix title and there’s Greg with the fake one. Think he’s the announcement?
Magnus: Not a chance he’s the announcement. I mean, I would have known first and I’m surprised too.
Greg Adkins does like a crotch chop, but more presenting the fake Phoenix title rather than his crotch. He makes his way down to the ring, slapping the hands of the few fans that put their hands out to be slapped, laughing at the fans that boo him as he rolls into the ring and demands a microphone.
Phillips: What do you think he has to say?
Magnus: If I’m a guessing man? I would say something to do with that fake title around his waist.
Adkins: Hello, fans! I’m here too announce that Redmond Fury is dead! I mean, you people did see him get eaten by a bear. Did you not? The man is dead and can no longer represent the Phoenix championship. I think that vacating the title is a dumb and repetitive move when I am clearly the runner up with the title right here. BAM!
And as if to prove his point, Greg motions to the fake Phoenix title around his waist with a wide grin.
Adkins: I already have this championship belt. All I ask is to be able to trade it in for the real one that’s probably still bloodstained with bits of Redmond Fury meat on it from when he was eaten by the bear. I mean, it’s not a difficult thing to consider. Right? Redmond’s dead and therefore the guy who was runner up, me, should be champion. I mean when you think about it. It’s really disrespectful to the memory of AWF that Redmond let himself be devoured by a bear in the first place. Also, isn’t that the bear that I got for Magnus in the first place?
Phillips: Is Greg admitting to setting the bear on Redmond in the first place? Did he get you that bear?
Magnus: I don’t recall if it was that bear or a different one. They all kinda look alike to me anyways. Except for polar bears; screw them guys.
Phillips: And panda bears?
Magnus: I don’t think pandas count as bears.
Adkins: I’m going to go ahead and head to the back and begin celebrating my Phoenix title victory as I am sure that the right choice will be made here. It’s the only real choice that makes sense anyway. So when Redmond is formally announced as dead and I am to be given the title in the middle of the ring like an inauguration ceremony, I’ll be a few sheets to the wind, but I can manage walking down to the ring, accepting my belt, and making you lot KISS MY ASS!
“I’m Ok” by Little Big begins again as Greg Adkins makes his way to the back with the crowd booing his every step of the way.
Phillips: Are we going to give him the Phoenix title?
Magnus: It’s not time to make any announcements yet.
Phillips: That’s not an answer.
Magnus: Of course not.
Backstage, Bonnie Jenkins is about to head out through the entrance, when Magnus pushes through the curtains to cut her off.
Magnus: Bonnie this is an unexpected surprise.
Bonnie Jenkins: Head office left you dozens of voice messages and e-mails letting you know we’d be sending someone by this show-
Magnus: Never got a single one. You just can’t get good help these days. So, to what do we owe this pleasure?
Bonnie Jenkins: Mongo sent me to retrieve the Phoenix championship-
Magnus: What- why?
Bonnie Jenkins: XHF management thought it would be good for Redmond Fury to take the Phoenix championship to GUNS... but now that he’s deceased, we don’t want this turning into another Tag championship situation with infinite holding patterns against questionable jobbers.
Magnus: I’m sure I have no idea what you’re talking about. And if Redmond Fury died, this is the first I’m hearing of it-
Bonnie Jenkins: At End of Days, he was eaten by one of your bears in a match you were commentating.
Magnus: The way I remember it, the bear consumed the championship as well. So how am I supposed to get it back for you?
Bonnie Jenkins: Euthanizing the man-eater seems like the minimal legal recourse, but shouldn’t the belt have passed through by this-
Magnus: I'm not gonna cut that thing open and have that little Fury boy spill out all over ringside!
Bonnie Jenkins: He was hardly litt-
Magnus: Oh Bonnie. I expect the marks to swallow that, but you too? It was just an angle. You thought that was real? It was just a special effect for Halloween.
Bonnie Jenkins: It was obscenely graphic.
Magnus: We spared no expense. But as you can see-
Magnus pulls up the curtain for half a second to show the arena where Redmond Fury is throwing around The Pilgrim.
Magnus: Fury is very much alive, and well, and a fighting champion. So please let Mongo know that the Phoenix title is in GUNS to stay.
Before Bonnie can get a closer look, Magnus pulls the curtains shut.
Magnus: Now, if you’ll excuse me – I should probably get back to providing commentary on this spectacular defense.
Bonnie Jenkins: I’ll stick around and watch-
Magnus: NO! I mean, um, sure, if you want to – but when you’ve seen Fury toss one guy around like a ragdoll you’ve seen them all. Besides, I had Travis Scott hyping the event and the fire marshal tells me we're WAAAY past capacity.
Bonnie Jenkins: In that case-
Magnus: Great seeing you, Bonnie! And let us know next time you’re coming, we’ll give you the VIP treatment.
Magnus backpedals through the curtains, stepping into the arena with a sycophantic smile. The second Magnus is through, he pulls them tight behind him with a sigh of relief. He waits a beat for Bonnie to wander off, before letting go. The camera follows alongside him, as Magnus walks down to ringside.
Phillips: Did she buy it?
Magnus: God I hope so.
Phillips: Why not fess up to it?
Magnus: We didn’t ask for the gold, we don’t want it, but I WILL SEE YOU ALL DEAD before I give it back to the XHF brass. Besides, if word gets out that my furry friends are killing wrestlers – someone might try to take our bears away. Or worse, stop them from wrestling.
While the announcers discuss their highly litigious scheme like no one monitors the shows to catch them, in the ring L.A. Wombat awkwardly throws elbows barely able to flail his arms under the foot of rubber. The Pilgrim looks like he hasn’t eaten in a week, but has just enough sense to side step the heavy blows.
Phillips: The Pilgrim begging off – asking Wo-Fury for food.
Magnus: Los Authentico er Fury only has some protein bars on him. Oh you’ll get your calorie count in, but that’s not real food.
Phillips: The Pilgrim with a low blow – which gets absorbed by the suit. I mean, Fury is too much of a man to acknowledge such tactics.
Magnus: The Pilgrim sweeps the leg, pulling the rug out from under Fury just like he did the last people that offered him food, dragging the champion over into an inside cradle!
ONE!
Phillips: Fury struggling to get his arm up under all that rubber. I mean muscle.
TWO!
Magnus: Shoulder up! That was so close, I thought we had a new Phoenix champion there.
Phillips: Fury sends Pilgrim flying with an elbow smash. I don’t know if it’s the costume, but Wom- Fury is looking a lot stronger right now.
Magnus: The strongest athlete in the XHF.
Magnus manages to stifle a “god rest his soul.” A hip toss sends The Pilgrim soaring through the air, before bouncing off the ropes and falling to the canvas with an unceremonious thud. Holding his back in pain, The Pilgrim once again begs for food. This draws loud jeers from the crowd, who are all full from the previous days Thanksgiving and find his brand of oldey time garb now out of date. Another hellacious hip toss by the costumed Wombat sends the Pilgrim flying.
Magnus: Pilgrim begging for dear life – wait, throws his hat at... Fury.
Phillips: That’s called a Capotain.
Magnus: Well, Capotain to Fury’s eyes, and Pilgrim charges in with a spear- no! Fury using the momentum to get the smaller man up with a backdrop driver!
ONE!
TWO!
THREE!
Announcer: The winner of this match as a result of a pinfall, and STILL very much alive-
REDMOND FAUX-URY!
The crowd boo Wombat, not because they don’t all love Wombat, but because they were quite fond of Fury and find this current turn of events ghoulish at best.
Phillips: He pulled it off.
Magnus: We all did. Having that match going on with Jenkins around, I thought I was going to have a- OH NO!
Bonnie Jenkins can be seen near a concession stand, getting dangerously close to a group of fans arguing about whether Wombat’s impression is a touching tribute to a dead friend, or the latest failed gimmick change in a string of attempts trying to keep him relevant while Dylan Black ducks the inevitable demonic Venom match.
Magnus: Get Wombat out of there, fast!
Phillips: The title defence is over- what is the worst thing that can ha-
Crowd: MASSIVE BOOS.
Colossus Rhodes breaks a chair across the heavily padded back of Wombat, the force breaks the chair in half, and sends XHF’s favourite marsupial crashing to the canvas.
Colossus Rhodes: What farce is this?
Magnus: I have to go- security get him out of here!
In the ring, Colossus Rhodes cuts off The Pilgrim’s retreat, grounding him with a big boot to the face. Scooping up The Thanksgiving gimmick character, Rhodes powerbombs him down onto Wombat. The rubber suit still seems to absorb some of the punishment. So Rhodes powerbombs Pilgrim again, and again, and again, until Wombat looks like his real ribs might be broken. While Rhodes is mangling the two men, Magnus is running through the audience to try to distract Bonnie Jenkins.
Colossus Rhodes: You were all witness to my destruction of your champion. Your officials might have found a way to deny me the title that day, but the winner was clear, and the price for his resistance? Death.
Magnus has made it to the concession stand, just as Jenkins turns to face the ring.
Magnus: You’re not eating here? There is a really great steak joint just up the block.
Bonnie Jenkins: I was actually checking the numbers.
Colossus Rhodes: How you choose to honour your dead heroes is telling of your character. The concept of becoming champion of a place such as this, is almost as distasteful to me as I find your moral fibre. Yet YOU ALL SAW me win that belt, and I will have my due.
A hundred feet away from the ring, Magnus tries to direct Bonnie’s attention towards him, and away from Rhodes in-ring bellowing. The GUNS owner even positions some loud fans between them and the show.
Magnus: Did you feel like grabbing a bite to eat?
Bonnie Jenkins: Don’t you have a show to commentate?
Magnus: These this practically run themselves.
Colossus Rhodes: REDMOND FURY IS DEAD. GIVE ME THE TITLE.
Bonnie Jenkins: What did he say?
Jenkins turns back to the ring, just as a dozen security guards try to remove Rhodes from it. He makes short work of them, finding a way to pile most on top of Wombat who would be making Apollo Creed death spasms if he wasn’t getting crushed.
Magnus: What did WHO say?
Bonnie Jenkins: Who is dead.
Magnus: Oh, I didn’t hear anything about dead. He said they should be WED.
Bonnie Jenkins: Who?
Magnus: That’s what I’d like to know.
“HOW DARE YOU!”
The Ohio Native pushes through the curtains with microphone in hand.
Ohio Native: My dear friend, Redmond Fury, his corpse isn’t even cold inside that bear- and here you are trying to pick his festering carcass for scraps, like a damned vulture.
Bonnie Jenkins: Wait, Fury’s corpse?
Magnus: You know those wrestlers and their metaphors.
Bonnie Jenkins: No, I’m pretty sure he-
Magnus: BONNIE! I CAN’T HIDE THIS FROM YOU ANY LONGER-
Security which were already having a hard enough time not having their asses kicked by Colossus Rhodes now struggle to keep him and Ohio Native from brawling. Are either man under contract? Is Wombat still breathing? If security weren’t always at ringside, would less non-contract wrestlers be able to sneak into he venues?
Magnus: WILL YOU MARRY ME?
Magnus gets down on his knee. He doesn’t have a ring, because this is clearly a last ditch effort to distract Bonnie, and he’s not great at thinking on his feet.
Bonnie Jenkins: I told you to stop trying to use me for GUNS angles, Magnus.
Spotting a camera on her, Bonnie Jenkins turns to leave.
Magnus: I’m being serious!
Bonnie Jenkins: And HR will be in touch about appropriate workplace conduct.
Bonnie Jenkins leaves in disgust. Magnus falls to both knees. Is he crying for the first time since Redmond Fury died? Relief? No. That sensitivity training is really going to suck.
Colossus Rhodes: At least you show some integrity. Very well sidekick. Boxing Day. If you wish to defend Fury’s name, I will make my presence felt. But make no mistake, after I send you to meet him, I will finish off this usurper and claim my rightful property.
Ohio Native: Roar all you want you giant douche, on Boxing Day I’m giving my pal a proper memorial, by chopping you down to size.
Phillips: There you have it fans, it looks like Colossus Rhodes has unfinished business here in GUNS and Ohio Native has answered the call. Also Redmond Fury successfully defended his title. I hope Wombat is alright.
*Bump*
Magnus: What did I miss?
Phillips: It’ll be Ohio and Rhodes next month!
Magnus: Neither of them work here!
Phillips: You were busy.
Magnus: Is Wombat all right?
Steve Awesome is walking down the hallway. He stops when he sees the vending machine. We go to an extreme close up on his face. He squints as we hear the familiar whistle from every Wild West movie showdown. We then cut to a close up of the vending machine and we hear the “WAAAH WAH WAAAAAAAAH” that usually follows that whistle. You know the one. Then we see a shot in widescreen with Steve on one end, and the machine on the other.
Awesome: It’s high noon… or I’m just high… and I need those Funyuns. So you’re going to give them to me, or else
Steve approaches the machine in a slow, confident walk. Close up on his hip as he wiggles his fingers next to his pocket.
Awesome: Draw!
Awesome pulls a crisp dollar out of his pocket and slides it into the vending machine. Cut to Awesome’s face. Cut to vending machine. Cut back to Awesome, sweating. Cut back to vending machine. Cut back to Awesome, with a Dirty Harry scowl on his face. Cut back to vending machine. The vending machine... spits the dollar back out.
Awesome: SON OF A BITCH!
Awesome kicks the vending machine. A puff of smoke billows out from behind it and fills the room. Steve is hacking up a lung. When the smoke clears, a tarp is over the vending machine and a man in a vending machine costume and another in a chocolate bar costume are standing in front of Steve Awesome.
Vending Machine: Steve Awesome! We are tired- of you- attacking me!
Chocolate Bar: Yes! You… you uh…
Chocolate Bar looks at his hand.
Chocolate Bar: You have disturbed my HOME- for the last TIME!
Vending Machine: We are challenging you- and the President- to a match- tonight!
Awesome: Do I get Funyuns if I win?
Vending Machine: Um… I don’t know, you asking us questions wasn’t in the script.
Awesome: What?
Chocolate Bar: What my PARTNER means, is… MAYBE!?
Awesome: Good enough! You’re on! ...If this isn’t just a drug induced hallucination.
Steve walks away. The two guys look at each other. Then Curtis Kanyon sneaks into the room from the other direction.
Kanyon: Well, did he buy it?
Vending Machine: Sir yes sir! We have the match.
Kanyon: Great, great. We need Steve fully focused on helping me destroy Blobby, so we need this GUNS feud to end tonight. Thank you for your service and letting us beat the shit out of you later!
Kanyon leaves the room.
Chocolate Bar: Thanks! ...Wait, what?
Vending Machine: This is our big break, we can do this man! Let’s go out there and win!
Chocolate Bar: *GULP* I don’t know man, we don’t even have names!
We fade and cut back to the arena.
The image is black.
Did the signal cut out?
No. There are faint dripping sounds – a cave perhaps?[/b]
“How am I still alive?”
A light cuts in, not strong, but almost blinding given the surroundings.
The image is out of focus, but a large figure has turned on GoPro Camera.
Redmond Fury is alive.
The Buckeye Bruiser has seen better days - caked in blood, some of his injuries looking like teeth marks. The camera light illuminates his profile, but the XHF Phoenix Champion appears to be in a cold, dark place. How did he get here? Where is here? With one hand he holds the camera as a torch, with the other he holds his head, another wave of searing pain. Seated on what looks like a heap of trash, Fury leans back against a slimy pink wall.
Redmond Fury: Is this hell?
“We should be so lucky.”
Redmond Fury: Who’s there?
“Little help?”
Redmond Fury: Oh, sorry.
The Buckeye Bruiser shifts his weight, causing all manner of rubbish to fall down the hill. Groaning in agony, a man in a rather filthy bird suit crawls out from under him. The grey bird points a frayed wing up at a large opening in the ceiling.
“You fell from up there.”
Redmond Fury: Thanks for breaking my fall mister-
Dirty Byrd: Folks round these parts call me, Byrd.
Redmond Fury: Please call me, Red.
Dirty Byrd: It was a heck of a fall, Red. You don’t look too chewed up though. I don’t suppose you could climb back up there, maybe carry me? You did crush me.
Redmond Fury: That looks like a one-way trip. Hang on.
Another blast of pain, but Fury shakes it off, remembering something.
Redmond Fury: Are we inside the bear?
Dirty Byrd (shrug): If you say so. Been here so long, I don’t rightly remember. Seems awful spacious to be an animal. Does have that new bear smell.
Redmond Fury: Well I’m sure Magnus has already set about sending a rescue team for me, he’s a very thoughtful man.
Dirty Byrd: Sounds peachy.
Reaching to his left, Redmond Fury collects the XHF Phoenix Championship. He holds it tight, relieved he didn’t lose it. Then slowly wraps it around his waist with his less bloody arm.
Dirty Byrd: Are you some kind of champ? Yeah, you look strong. Think you could punch through a few of these walls? Get us out of here.
Redmond Fury: We will – but another way. If we’re inside a living creature, I will find us a way out of it without causing the beast harm. It is an animal, when it ate me, it was just doing what comes natural. The bear isn’t to blame. I’ll find a safe way out for us, and it...
Rusty cans roll down the trash mound. Fury and Byrd look down to see a large box sifting through the debris for supplies. Finding some bandages, the Box looks up with a smile.
Ken in the Box: Newcomer? Welcome!
Redmond Fury and the Dirty Byrd walk down to greet this familiar XHF star.
Redmond Fury: Ken in the Box? I never expected to see you here. Why that season one battle royal you won was the reason I signed up with GUNS. It’s a real pleasure to meet you sir. I’m Redmond Fury. Don’t tell me UrsusLa ate you too?
Ken in the Box: Eaten by an voracious omnivore that has no business inside a squared circle, or telling Magnus you just signed a lucrative contract with J-ROK... all roads lead to the same place. Nice to meet you, Fury. My place is about half-a-mile down that vein, it’s not much but its home. Why don’t you follow me, looks like you had a rough journey here, but we’ll have you patched up in no time.
Redmond Fury: That is very kind of, thank you, Ken.
The three men start to walk down a slimy pink tunnel.
Ken in the Box: Is Wombat still active?
Redmond Fury: He almost beat me for this championship twice. It was so close, I was sure he had my number. Everyone wants to put him in the hall of fame, but he refuses to retire.
Ken in the Box: Wombat never did know when to quit.
Redmond Fury: You’ve been here for some time Ken, do you have any idea how to get out?
Ken in the Box: Get out?
Redmond Fury: Yes, we wanted to find a non-violent way to get outside.
Dirty Byrd: Uh, Fury-
Ken in the Box: Why would anyone want to go outside when you’re inside? Being INSIDE is the best.
Redmond Fury: I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to offend-
Ken in the Box: A box within a box. Why would you want to mess that up for me?
Redmond Fury: We’ll just be on our way-
Ken in the Box stomps on Redmond Fury’s foot – with his box.
Redmond Fury: This is just a misunderstanding. I really don’t want to fight you, Ken.
A hip box attack knocks Fury into a slime-covered wall. The sticky texture makes it hard for Fury to free himself, leaving the champion open to an avalanche. Ken then puts Fury in a headlock, still grinding him into the sludge.
Dirty Byrd: That reminds me, Fury. I got me a referee license.
Fury muscles his way out of headlock, firing Ken off into the pink wall.
Redmond Fury: That’s nice, Byrd – but I fail to see how-
Ken in the Box rams into Fury with a body press.
ONE!
TWO!
KICKOUT!
Fury knocks Ken off with a spinning elbow, and starts to get up – only for Ken to nail him with a boxed shoulderblock. Another boxed shoulderblock sends Fury crashing back into the mound of debris. Ken charges in for a third, only for Fury to knock him off with a PEC POP! Fury ducks a roundhouse right and nails a jumping PEC POP that almost knocks Ken out of his box. Fury is quick to cover-
Redmond Fury: I don’t want to hurt you-
ONE!
TWO!
THREE-Box up!
Ken in the Box: What would you know, Outsider?
Grabbing a large partially eaten tuna, Ken smashes the weighty fish over Fury’s head. A few shots knock Fury into some rusty cans.
Dirty Byrd: Don’t cut yourself on those cans, they look very unsanitary.
Redmond Fury: We’re inside a bear!
Ken in the Box: I know! It’s paradise! Why are you trying to mess this up for me?
Another vicious tuna shot! Fury brings up a “Do Not Feed Animals” sign to use as a shield. He defends against one strike, rolling with the heavy tuna shots. The force of them continues to move the two men further into garbage dump. Finally a particularly brutal tuna swing knocks the shield out of Fury’s grasp. It flies through the air, almost taking Byrd’s head off!
Dirty Byrd: Keep your hands off the officials, or I’ll disqualify you.
Redmond Fury: Would a disqualification stop him?
Tuna shot! And another! Standing senton box!
ONE!
TWO!
THRE-shoulder up.
Ken kicks against the ground, using his large box frame to shove Fury across broken glass towards a puddle of stomach acid. It’s bubbling. Fury puts the breaks on right before he can go head first into the acid. Frustrated, Ken lays in a few more fish shots. Ken winds up for the deathblow, only to slip on a banana peel. Falling backwards into the mound, Ken displaces a small mound of Off The Wagon merchandise, which pins him to the ground. Looking to end this defence with as little violence as possible, Fury takes advantage of Ken’s trapped arms.
ONE!
TWO!
THREE!
Dirty Byrd: Now where did I leave that?
Looking around in the debris for a second, Dirty Byrd picks up a penny whistle and a tin pan, using one to smack the other.
PING! PING! PING!
Dirty Byrd: The winner of this match- and STILL- what title do you have?
Redmond Fury: The XHF Phoenix title.
Dirty Byrd: AND STILL PHOENIX CHAMPION, THE MUSCULAR NEWCOMER. FURY, right?
Redmond Fury: Right. (looking down at a struggling Ken) Now, I’m going to lift this off you – but please stop attacking me.
Ken in the Box: NEVER! You’ll never take me outside!
Redmond Fury: If you don’t want to join us, you don’t have to- but Byrd and me are leaving. Even without your help, we’ll find a way.
The Buckeye Bruiser shoves against the thousands of Off the Wagon tees – shoving them off of Ken. The Man in the Box, looks apprehensive, but grudgingly stays still.
Redmond Fury: If you’re happy here – well, more power to you. Let’s go, Byrd.
The Phoenix champion and his dodgy referee make there way down a narrow passage. As the duo head out to their next adventure hoping that it might be the one that leads them out of the bear, Byrd plays the end credit theme from the Incredible Hulk TV show on his penny whistle.
We cut back to the ring from that segment where Magnus is in the ring with four security guards and Goldbear II. The bear is leaned up in the corner scratching at his balls as the four security guards are standing around Magnus in the center of the ring.
Magnus: I asked for all available security for this announcement to keep these two from ripping each other apart, but apparently half the guys quit when they heard what the segment was and the other four somehow came down with Covid. So this will have to do. As you can see the champion is in the ring so all we need now is GOOOOOOOLDBEAR.
The lights dim on the stage and sparkling pyros shoot up from the stage and Goldbear walks out amongst the pyro.
Magnus: Cut it all. Cut it all now.
The pyro dies down and Goldbear stands on the stage looking quite annoyed.
Magnus: I wanted you both in the ring but four just ain’t enough and I care about my health and well being so stay right there.
Goldbear II snarls in the corner and Goldbear crosses his arms in disgust, but both seem willing to comply.
Magnus: Alright. It seems nothing is going to keep the two of you from fighting if we don’t get this resolved soon. That’s why at Gun Show Boxing Day the two of you will face off one more time for the Bear Necessitates Championship. This is the last show of 2021 and the last show before we take a break so a regular match just won’t do. So in the spirit of the day you will compete in a boxing match!
The crowd goes nuts as Goldbear nods in approval and exits and Goldbear II just scratches his balls. The ring clears out and we cut to out announcers.
Tom Phillips: I’m excited about this next match, Magnus.
Magnus: Why is that?
Tom Phillips: When The Bang Bros come to the ring, they get the girls to get wild. Daddy likey.
Magnus: You need help Tom.
The lights in the arena explode to life as they flash red, white, and blue to the beat of the opening riffs of “American Males” by Jimmy Hart plays over the P.A. Curtis Kanyon and Steve Awesome emerge from the entryway wearing matching sequined leather jackets. Curtis is also carrying his trusty sledgehammer over his shoulder. Curtis and Steve high five and then head down to the ring. Curtis rolls into the ring and heads to a corner. Steve hops into the ring and he provocatively slips off his jacket and then spins and drops into a kneel and he flexes his arms. At the same time, Curtis hoists his hammer into the air and yells “BANG!” They both get a slow motion effect as pyro sprays behind them.
Magnus: The Bang Bros put up an open challenge. Let’s see who answered.
Tom Phillips: I think I saw a boob!
I want Candy by Bow Wow Wow starts playing as a man dressed as a vending machine and another man dressed as a candy bar come walking down to the ring.
Tom Phillips: What an absolute treat this is going to be. Steve Awesome has had issues with the vending machines since the beginning of the season. Now they are finally going to clash.
Magnus: You can’t be serious. That isn’t a real vending machine and that isn’t a real candy bar.
Tom Phillips: How can you be so sure?
Magnus: Well one, we saw Kanyon paying the jobbers earlier. And two, have you ever seen a candy bar or a vending machine with arms and legs?
Tom Phillips: *thinks*
Magnus: Well there is the bell, this match is underway.
Steve Awesome and the Candy Bar start things off. Steve steps up to the middle with a cocky smirk. He points at his chin telling the Candy Bar to strike him. Bar swings but Steve is able to simply move his head away with ease. Steve dodges a few more strikes and then hits a headlock take over that takes the bar to the ground. Steve keeps a hold of the headlock and then throws his legs in the air for a flashy head stand. Half the crowd cheers and the other boos. Curtis roots for him from ringside. Then Steve uses a free hand to reach up and do a couple crotch chops while still in the head stand.
Tom Phillips: Man Steve is cool.
Magnus: He isn’t that cool.
Tom Phillips: I bet if I followed him around I would get with some of the groupies he doesn’t get. He is a big shot Hollywood actor you know.
Magnus: I’m a way better actor than he is.
The Bar gets annoyed and jerks himself free of Steve’s loose grip. Steve flips over to his feet and the Bar comes after him with a lariat. Steve side steps the Bar and he goes bouncing into the ropes and on the rebound Steve catches him with a CrossFace chicken wing German suplex. The candy bar lands hard on his head and Steve feels real good about what he did. He looks over at his tag partner Kanyon.
Steve Awesome: Dude! I’m breaking off a piece of my foot, in this Kit Kat bars ass!!
Kanyon laughs and gives him a thumbs up from the apron.
Curtis Kanyon: Good one bro! I’m snickering over here.
The Candy Bar lays on the ground holding its neck, reaching out for a tag. Steve is to busy celebrating to see him make a tag to the vending machine. Steve hears the refs call and sees the man dressed in the costume step in the ring and suddenly Steve doesn’t seem as confident.
Tom Phillips: Here we go. Steve vs Big Van Vending. Try as he might, Steve could not get to the machine to work for him no matter what. He has never been able to overcome the vending machine. Now he has to try and out wrestle it.
Magnus: Well that’s a guy in a costume. But Steve did show he could handle the other guy pretty easily. Surely things will be no-
Steve goes running into his opponent and the vending machine slams him to the mat with a uranage.
Magnus: Different?
Tom Phillips: It’s just a little hiccup. Steve is the face of the franchise. He can beat this guy.
Steve gets up, holding his back, nodding his head like “okay nice move”. He glances over at Kanyon who reassured him. Steve nods, takes a deep breath, gets up and runs right into an arm drag! Steve pops up again but goes head first into another deeper arm drag. Steve slaps the mat in frustration and gets up and gets drilled by a huge tilt o whirl back breaker. Steve yells out in pain.
Tom Phillips: This vending machine is proving to have Steve’s number at everything! He might need to make a tag.
Magnus: It’s not a real vending machine. I knew a guy who played a vending machine on Broadway. That was acting. You stuck a quarter in his mouth and a can of Pepsi came out the other end. It was cold too. We didn’t ask questions either. We just stood back and enjoyed the craft of acting……erm Steve should probably make a tag though…
Tom Phillips: Wait what is the big van vending signaling for.
Magnus: Oh no! It can’t be!
Vending has one hand around his wrist and that hand in the shape of a CLAW! He reaches out and clamps it onto the face and head of Steve Awesome! Steve frantically reaches all around him for some kind of escape.
Tom Phillips: Big Van Vending has THE CLAW locked onto the face of the face of the franchise!
Magnus: And he is fading fast.
You can hear the muffled screams of Steve from under Vendings hand.
Steve Awesome: “Ugh god! His glove smells terrible!”
Either it’s the severe pain of the hold or the intense smell of the glove but Steve starts to slow down. His arms starts moving as much and he drops to one knee. He looks out if it but with one last desperate move he lunges for the rope! He gets there but Vending keeps the claw locked in as the ref counts to four. Vending lets go and the ref gets between them and yells at Vending. Steve is on spaghetti legs as he tries to get his bearings.
Magnus: I think that took a lot out of Steve.
Tom Phillips: Nah. Steve is fine. Look he’s fine!
Magnus: He can barely walk!
Steve staggered and stumbled over to his corner.
Curtis Kanyon: You good? You want to tag out?
Steve Awesome: No no no no, I’m good. I’m fine. I’m alright. I got this guy!
Steve turns around to face Vending. Steve takes one step forward and just flops onto his face.
Tom Phillips: I don’t think Steve is fine.
Magnus: I think you're right, Tom!
Vending tries to take advantage with a pin attempt but Steve manages to frantically scramble into a tag to Kanyon.
Tom Phillips: Steve Awesome still couldn’t overcome his issue with the vending machine. But former president Kanyon won’t be pardoning this jive Turkey.
Magnus: I think you are really looking into this whole Steve, vending machine beef. I think this guy in the costume is just really good. It won’t be any different.
Kanyon steps into the ring and gets into the face of Big Van Vending. Vending, feeling really sure of himself after tossing Steve around, gives out a mighty roar and then chops Kanyon in the chest.
No effect.
Vending tries a punch to the face.
No effect on the president.
Vending pulls out the big guns and locks on the dreaded CLAW!
No effect. In fact, Curtis just stands there and looks over at Steve who is still laying on the apron and rolls his eyes. Kanyon just grabs the man, lifts him up for a gorilla press slam and drops him like a sack of potatoes.
Tom Phillips: WHAT A MOVE BY KANYON!! He must be immune to the vending machine's power, Magnus!
Magnus: Wow. I’ve been commentating on The Gun Show for years. Why am I still surprised by things like this?
Kanyon continues to take control with some clubbing blows to the spine. Kanyon aggressively pulls Vending up to his feet and choke tosses him into his own corner. Kanyon quickly flips Vending into the tree of woe! Kanyon runs to the other side of the ring to get a running start. Vending tags in Candy Bar! Candy gets into the ring after Kanyon to stop him but the former President hits a running shoulder block straight through Candy bar and still lands an elbow to the face of Vending!!
Tom Phillips: oh man! Two for one special from Kanyon!
Magnus: He’s taking them both out with ease! Why did Steve have such a hard time?
Tom Phillips: Steve is clearly having some sort of deep psychological issue regarding his luck with the vending machine. Deep within his subconscious mind I think Steve might be correlating issues with defeat and rejection along with the fact that he could never get that darn vending machine to work since the season began. Now after a slow burn building up to this moment, he’s having a hard time overcoming all the frustration and feelings of self doubt he has built up within his psyche.
Magnus:….that might be the smartest thing I’ve ever heard you say, Tom.
Tom Phillips: Ooh look over there Magnus, that girl’s got boobs!
In the ring, Candy Bar starts to get up but notices Kanyon setting up for the BANG! and falls back to the mat in a fetal position. Kanyon points into the hard camera!
Curtis Kanyon: That’s going to be Blobby after I get my hands on him!
Tom Phillips: Kanyon sending a message to Blobby!
Magnus: What does Kanyon have in store for Blobby here?
Kanyon grabs Candy Bar sets him up with Bars head between his legs, lifts him up and power bombs him into the turnbuckle, then with a bit of bounce and mostly strength Kanyon lifts Bar back up turns him around and hits a brutally devastating falling powerbomb that breaks the full size candy bar into fun size pieces!
Tom Phillips: Oklahoma stampede powerbomb! What a move!
Magnus: Kanyon with the first pin attempt of the night. It’s gotta be over!
The ref slides into position.
1…
2…..
Big Van Vending breaks up the pin! Kanyon gets up and punches Vending out and grabs Bar and drags him to his corner. He goes to tag Steve but the awesome one looks a little apprehensive. But then Steve gets an idea and drops to the floor and dives under the ring. After a few moments he comes back out with DYLAN BLACKS ARM!!
Tom Phillips: Ha ha yes!
Magnus: You find this funny? I don’t find it very funny to be honest!
Steve holds the right arm of Dylan and gets back on the apron and holds his hand out for a tag. Kanyon smashes Bar’s head into the turnbuckle and tags in Steve. Steve steps into the ring holding up Dylan’s arm for everyone to see and SLIPS IT ON!!!
Tom Phillips: OH MY GOD!!!!! DID YOU SEE THAT MAGNUS! WHAT IN THE WORLD DID WE JUST WITNESS!!
Magnus: I think….I think Steve just powered up with Dylan’s arm!?
Kanyon looks on in complete shock and awe. Candy Bar spots Steve with his new metal arm and the lighting pulsating around his sexy abs and thinks twice. Bar scrambles to his corner and tags in Vending. Vending now hesitates but decides he gots this based on how well he did against Steve earlier. Vending comes in and immediately eats right hands from the powered up Face of the Franchise. Steve ducks under a wild swing from Vending with ease, traps his arm in a hammer lock, lifts him up for a back drop but innovatively turns the move into a back breaker across his knee. Vending rolls out of the ring holding his arm and his back in pain. Candy Bar drops down to check on him. Steve looks over at Kanyon and nods.
Tom Phillips: Vending and Candy are standing right in front of us, re-evaluating life right now. This is amazing, Magnus. I can’t believe Steve has completely powered up using the power of Dylan’s arm. So cool!
Magnus: Wich he stole by the way. I don’t think it’s very cool and OH MY GOD!
All of a sudden KANYON COMES OUT OF NOWHERE AND BANG!S CANDY BAR IN HALF AND STEVE COMES DIVING OVER THE TOP ROPE WITH A SUICIDE FOREARM RIGHT INTO VENDINGS FACE!!!
Magnus: Dear god man! The Bang Bros just collectively destroyed this team!
Tom Phillips: How do you not think that’s cool Magnus?
Steve is back up to his feet and he has a limp Vending and he smashes his head off the announce table.
Magnus: I don’t think it’s very cool, as a man who has metal prosthetics as well I don’t think there is anything very funny about a man stealing a disabled man’s custom made gear.
Steve slams Vending's head into the table again and glares at Magnus.
Magnus: Yeah, I’m talking to you! You second rate B actor, ableist!
Steve Awesome: You forgot arm collector, you retired little commentating bitch. So how about you color commentate on deez nuts, or else I’ll take your arm next!
Magnus takes the headset off and gets in Steve’s face. The two talk a bit of trash until Kanyon gets Steve’s attention points at Vending in the ring and the ref at the back end of his ten count. Steve realizes he’s close to being counted out and dives back into the ring at the last second. Vending is quickly on top of Steve before he can get up. Vending showers Awesome with blows.
Magnus: Sorry about that.
Tom Phillips: Damn Magnus, that was crazy.
Magnus: Look, just because I don’t compete anymore doesn’t mean I have to be scared. I stand by what I said about Steve Awesome.
Tom Phillips: Well, we will see how tough you sound if you show up to work without an arm.
Steve Awesome quickly battles back. Nailing punches with the metal arm and then a big brain buster that drops Vending right on his head. Steve is fired up. He goes to the corner, holds up the metal arm and starts slapping his thigh. The half of the crowd that are Steve Awesome fans slap along with him.
Tom Phillips: He’s using the arm to power up his super kick!
Magnus: Will you shut up!?
Vending starts to get up. He realizes Candy Bar is still out on the floor. He looks over and eats a powered up thigh slapper super kick. Vending spins around and Kanyon BANG!S him in half!
Tom Phillips: Kiss Kiss! BANG! BANG!
Magnus: I think that’s it.
Steve struts over and then drops down and hooks the leg. The ref counts but Vending is not getting up. 1..2…3!!!
WINNERS: Curtis Kanyon and Steve Awesome. THE BANG BROS!!
Tom Phillips: They did it! Steve has finally overcome the vending machine problem and now they can focus on the tag titles.
Magnus: I’ll try not to be biased but I hope Steve Awesome drowns in a lake.
As they celebrate in the ring Steve turns and looks at Magnus, talks some inaudible trash and does a crotch chop.
Magnus: Okay get this asshole out of here. Cut to the next thing or something…
As Steve is escorted out the lights drop down so that only the entranceway and the ring are illuminated as a deep, throaty, laugh not unlike that of Lemmy of Motorhead gargles over the PA system. However, just as soon as it started it is replaced by the treble-busting vocals of Freddy Mercury of Queen dropping a red hot ballad on y’all. Specifically, “Play the Game” by Queen. As the song persists, “The Mental Killer” Kris “Triple Quake” Quake and “The Corn Snake” Randy Angel- better known as Off the Wagon- walk out. Well, walk is being generous, Randy is stumbling drunk- still drinking from a flask- and Quake’s walk is more of a waddle since he appears to be trying to flex all several of his muscles at the same time. In Triple Quake’s right hand is a Stacker-2-based cocktail and in his left is a bottle of chewable vitamins. They slowly and sloppily make their way down to the ring. Upon entering it, Randy Angel goes up to a turnbuckle and throws up the referee sign for “field goal” and Quake goes to the apron. Suddenly we’re bathed in way too many strobe lights while Triple Quake pours the vitamins into his mouth and chews, then drowns them in the cocktail. If you think this is probably not healthy at all- don’t worry because he SPITS THEM OUT ALL OVER! It looks like vomit as he makes an angry face and flexes at the crowd but whatever, this match is gonna start soon!
Magnus: Here’s our champs and number one sponsor!
Phillips: Have you actually had Super Sake? It tastes like sh…
Magnus: Shtupendously delicious!
Ryan walks out onto the stage with no music and no pyro with a mic in hand.
Ryan: Look, I know I asked for this, but, uh, Chris is not going to be able to compete.
Ryan points to the entrance tunnel behind him and Chris is pushed out in a wheel chair and an upper body cast.
Ryan: So I think we’re going to have to call this off guys. Maybe we can pick this up in the second half of the season.
The Mental Killer Triple Quake calls for a mic and immediately begins his retort.
Quake: Are you kidding? You ruined our cup pyramid, demanded this match, and called us losers on Twitter and now you want to back out?
Ryan: I didn’t call you guys losers on Twitter.
Quake: Serpent who am I confusing him with.
Randy: I think it was your dad who called us losers on Twitter.
Quake: Same difference. Anyway, the Monopoly is ready for a fight so get your asses to this ring. It’s now or never.
On the stage Ryan looks torn, but ultimately he motions to his partner that he’s going to go down and do it alone. He charges down the ramp and slides into the ring leaving his partner on the ramp.
Quake: Good. Glad you want to get this done, but I think your partner deserves a better view.
Ryan turns and the person pushing the wheel chair pulls off his face covering to reveal The Forrest Kid Johnny Styler. Johnny gives Chris’ wheel chair a shove and he rolls down the entrance way and hits the ring apron and tips over.
The ref calls for the bell but Ryan is too preoccupied with checking on his cousin. He’s leaned over the ropes talking to his cousin who is laying on the outside. Ryan turns back around and is greeted by a charging forearm from Randy Angel. Ryan is stunned and Randy starts laying lefts and rights into the stomach of Velez backing him into the ropes. Randy grabs him by the wrist and whips him across and then follows and nails him with a sling blade. Randy is quick up to his feet and tags in his Quake. Quake lines up across from the fallen Velez on the outside and then spring boards off the top and lands an elbow drop to the chest. Quake hooks the leg for the cover for a two count.
Phillips: This does not look good for the New Deal.
Magnus: I don’t know, Chris can get up and in there at any time now.
Phillips: Really? The guy in the half body cast is going to save the day?
Magnus: This is Guns.
As Quake argues with the ref Ryan rolls over on the mat and begins to get up. On the outside security has helped Chris up to his feet. Quake gives up his argument with the ref and turns to Ryan who has gotten up to his knees. Quake moves in, but Ryan quickly strikes the Monopoly in the gut and doubles him over. Ryan takes a quick breath and then backs up and springs off the ropes. He runs and leaps over the doubled over Quake and then hits the other side and bounces off and leaps up and as Quake is standing up Ryan grabs and nails him with a bulldog. Ryan is feeling it and he quickly springs up to the top rope. He motions to the crowd, but he’s quickly knocked down by Randy and dropped down slit legged on the top turnbuckle. Quake slowly gets up and staggers towards the corner and tags in Randy. Randy charges into the ring and straight across to Ryan. Randy quickly gets up to the top rope with him and locks him up and leaps backwards with a drunk dropper off the top rope, but Randy hits hard and can’t make the cover.
Phillips: What a huge move. This should end it, but Randy has taken just as much damage from the move as Ryan.
Magnus: He better make it count because if he doesn’t Ryan now has someone to tag.
Phillips: Oh my god, Chris is up on the apron even though the medics are pleading for him to get down.
With Chris now up on the apron Randy rolls over and drapes an arm on top of Ryan, but Ryan kicks out at two. Randy falls onto his back and reaches up and grabs at his head. Chris begins to stomp the mat to get Ryan’s attention. Ryan, probably off of instinct begins to crawl to the corner to tag in his brother. Randy rolls over and also makes his way to his corner to tag in his partner. The two both lunge and make the tag to their partners at the same time. Chris takes a long time to bend over and step into the ring. He slowly gets in and finally stands up ready to turn the tide of the match, but he turns around to Kris Quake who waves before kicking him in the stomach area of the cast. Chris doubles over in pain and Quake quickly shoves his head between his legs and hits Chris with Park Place. Quake hooks both legs and makes the cover for the win.
Winners and still GUNS Tag Team Champions: Off the Wagon
Magnus: The murder lizard might not have been here, but he sure did make an impact.
Phillips: Absolutely. If Chris wasn't in that half cast and got that tag the match might've been drastically different.
Magnus: But Chris never should have stepped on that apron and out champs took advantage. See you all next time for Boxing Day.
Magnus shadow boxes as the credits roll and we see the tag champions celebrating in the ring with Super Sake. We fade, but not to black. We're back in the AFTERWARD. Venom and Mueller as the Borgs arms are waving and appear to be frantically explaining something, but we cannot hear them. Slowly the sound comes in as the Borgs are finishing up.
Venom: Wow I don't know anything about the science of time travel, but that really sounded like you know what you're talking about. So how do we get back.
Evil: We don't.
Mueller: What do you mean we don't?
Evil: We don't. This is what we've been striving for for years. We have only learned that to get back to here. You're one of us now.
Heavy: You are now one of us. Love your hate, your faith lost. You are now one of us.
Venom: That cannot be right.
Mueller: Yeah he's not a Borg he's a Tr...
Venom: Tree enthusiast. I can't live in a time without trees!
Venom and Mueller continue to argue when a noise causes them all to look up at the entrance hatch. The door suddenly is ripped off of its hinges and the face of BEEEEEEEF appears.
BEEF: Come with me if you want to live.
The four of the men look at each other before fighting over who climbs up the ladder through the hatchway first and we go to black.
Phillips: Welcome to the Gun Show.
Magnus: We have a packed show tonight.
Phillips: My favorite tag team Bang Bros are in the house and looking for a fight.
Magnus: And the main event will be another GUNS tag title defense.
Phillips: But first up is a surprise bout.
Magnus: Front row lady vs you?
Phillips: …
The opening of the Big Sean’s “Wolves” hits the pa system and El Rey strolls onto the stage wearing the mask he stole off of the head of El Combatiente. He looks around soaking up there surroundings before ripping the mask off of his head and revealing the half painted face. He strolls down the ramp ignoring the outstretched hands of the fans until he reaches the ring. At ringside he leaps up onto the apron and then over the ropes and spins around in the ring with his arms outstretched. He spins around a couple times and then calls for the mic.
Magnus: Oh it’s Venom Jr.
Phillips: He told me backstage not to call him that.
Magnus: Too bad. Why’s he here?
Phillips: I think he’s about to let us know.
In the ring the formerly face painted son of Venom and star of Next Level Wrestling grabs has grabbed a mic and is waiting to address the crowd. The crowd simmers down and he raises the mic.
El Rey: For months I have been trying to find out happened to my dad. For some reason you all think he’s dead. I get it, I did too, but at the end of the first few Gun Shows there he was. I know I’m not the only one whose seen it because my Uncle Charlie Velez saw it too. There’s also r/WheresVenomMueller where we have been getting help with this conspiracy, but nothing has really helped. That’s why my uncle and I found someone that might have some answers. Bring out the Borg!
The lights dim in the arena and the crowd begins to buzz. A spotlight hits the stage and out walks a pig wearing armor leading Charlie Velez on a leash.
Magnus: Oh my God! The former X*Crown Champion Thob is here in the GUNS Arena!
Phillips: Uh, are we sure that’s Thob? Just looks like some pig to me.
Magnus: You think it’s Wilbur from Charlotte’s Web? Even more amazing!
Phillips: No, I mean there’s no Slain and while Thob had changed forms before that doesn’t even appear to be the right species of pig.
Magnus: Thob is here!
El Rey vs Ye Ole Borg Thob
Magnus: Venom Jr. has been enraged.
El Rey: Don’t call me that damn it!
Phillips: I think he heard you.
Magnus: Yeah no Venom Jr. is looking at me instead of his opponent, big mistake.
El Rey has moved over towards the ring announcers table and has indeed turned his back on Thob. The screaming by El Rey seems to have upset Thob and the ancient Borg begins to run around the ring terrified and it runs into the back of the legs of El Rey and knocks him down. El Rey hits the mat face first and lays there for a second, but rolls over and kips up and follows it up with a strong kick to the side of Thob stopping it in its tracks. El Rey follows up with an elbow drop to the face and Thob crumbles and falls over to his side. El Rey quickly drops and makes the cover but the red refuses to make the count because the Borg’s shoulders are not on the mat.
Magnus: Brutal hits by Venom Jr. but Thob is an expert and knows to keep its shoulders off the mat.
Phillips: I don’t think it’s on purpose. I think it might be dead.
El Rey leaps to his feet and begins yelling at the ref, but the ref explains the shoulders aren’t down so he can’t count. El Rey let’s put a yell and then turns and starts kicking Thob until the ref stops the match due to Thob not being able to defend itself.
Winner due to ref stoppage: El Rey
Magnus: Venom Jr. just defeated a former X*Crown Champion!
Phillips: Did he really though?
Magnus: Yes he did, but he didn’t get the answers he was looking for. Hopefully this will help his grieving process and he can accept his dad’s death.
Phillips: Speaking of death, I think that pig is dead.
Magnus: If that were really a pig and not an ancient Borg I’d be worried about more PETA protests.
As the pig is disposed of we cut to a previously recorded segment. It is in the wee hours of the morning as a rather large crowd stands in front of the locked doors to a Best Buy in the deep south. Towards the front of the line we see GUNS wrestler (and totally not interviewer) Nelly Angel is seen chatting it up with an older gentleman. He wears a big sweatshirt and sweatpants, since it's just about midnight, along with the mask his brother Randy got for him a week ago.
Nelly: Yeah I'm looking for a webcam-mic set for my brother for Christmas. Covid has strained us a bit, especially since he works primarily overseas... and then keeps flying back and forth every month... and not quarantining.
Elderly Shopper: He must rack up tons of frequent flier miles. Does he ever get you free trips overseas? Maybe see the sights, meet famous people.
Nelly: No no, my job did that already. But since Covid I opted for a closer-to-home position.
Their conversation is interrupted by the doors to the store sliding open! The old man darts into the store, Nelly a beat behind him and the entire crowd behind them flooding in after! It is immediate chaos as all the people in the store are rushing for all the latest things! Big flat screen TVs, the newest consoles, and even household appliances are up for grabs as regular people are turned into crazed animals, desperate for basic things at discounted prices!
Nelly weaves his way around the store to the back end, where electronics are sold. He pushes past two middle aged adults literally fighting over an Xbox Series X and squeezes behind two old women waving their canes around trying to get the last Nintendo Switch. Nelly makes it over to the computer aisle and sees on the shelf, one last webcam and mic set left. Nelly runs over and grabs it! But as he does, someone comes from the opposite way and grabs it at the same time! He looks up to see-
Nelly: Kurt effing Angle?!
Kurt: Sorry, Mr. Fanboy. No time for an autograph! I've got to buy this!
Kurt Fucking Angle tries to yank the cam and mic from Nelly, but Nelly's grip is iron-clad!
Nelly: Hate to disappoint Mr. Angle, but I'm getting this for Randy! You'll have to find something else!
Kurt: Sorry but Jason specifically requested this make and model! You'll have to GET FUCKED!
Kurt Fucking Angle headbutts Nelly and begins to run away, but Nelly chases him down the aisle and chop blocks him to the ground, the gift rolling away!
Nelly: I can't let you have the set! It means too much to me!
Kurt: It means that much more to me though! Fuck your brother! Think of my son!
Nelly: I'm thinking that kid's gonna have a sad Christmas this year.
There's a tense pause, before Kurt Fucking Angle tears his closes away to reveal his wrestling gear underneath.
Kurt: HOW ABOUT YOU FUCKING FIGHT ME FOR IT THEN? FUCKING COWARD!
Nelly whips off his sweatshirt and tosses it over an aisle, his brow furrowing.
Nelly: We don't have to do this.
Kurt: COWARD!
Nelly charges at Kurt for a clothesline, but Kurt ducks underneath and wraps his arms around his waist and German suplexes him into a set up TV nearby! The crowd splits as they realize there's a good fight going down, and Kurt lifts up Nelly and begins to just pound his face in. Vicious lefts and rights to the former XHF Junior Heavyweight Champion's face! Nelly pushes Kurt off, before throwing him into a display case for next-gen consoles! But in a moment eerily similar to that 2001 King of the Ring match, Kurt's neck goes neck first and bounces off, the glass shaking and warbling.
Nelly: You can't win Kurt!
Kurt: YOU AREN'T EVEN A WRESTLER!
Kurt picks up Nelly and Irish whips him over the phone stand nearby, knocking it over and letting loose a dozen phones into the air! People scramble to pick up and pocket the phones, while Nelly takes some loose ones and chucks them at Angle! Targeting his broken fucking neck. He clocks Angle in the windpipe with the new Samsung Galaxy Z Flip 3, closing it on his throat! Kurt Fucking Angle goes down choking and Nelly dropkicks him into the appliance area. Angle crawls away and into a fridge as Nelly kicks him down! Nelly lifts Kurt back up and tosses him on a stovetop! Kurt kicks him back into a refrigerator and slams the door around Nelly's head!
Kurt: HAD ENOUGH, YOU PUNK BITCH?
Nelly shakes his head and pushes Kurt back. Kurt charges him and Nelly drop toe holds him into a washing machine. Good thing they aren't step siblings. He drops a knee across Kurt's back and Kurt slumps over! Nelly drags Kurt out, then Irish whips him into the console section again! CRASH! THE GLASS SHATTERS AND THE MOB JUMPS NELLY AND KURT! STAMPEDING THEM TO GET TO THE PS5S AND XBOX SERIES XS AND OTHER HARD-TO-GET-UNLESS-YOU-ARE-A-SCALPER CONSOLES! THE CROWD BEAT THE TAR OUT OF NELLY AND KURT OVER SOME VIDEIO GAME CONSOLES UNTIL THE STOCK IS OUT, THEN THEY ALL LEAVE!
Kurt and Nelly shake the cobwebs, trying to push back to their feet for more. They both look over where they dropped the webcam and mic set, the very thing they've been fighting for and it's gone! Kaput! Yes, the webcam set is indeed gone! They then turn to the closest register to see the webcam set and a receipt being handed to a customer! Kurt and Nelly both realizing this guy has bought the one item they both came in to get, charge at the random consumer and grab him! Kurt lifts him up in a gorilla press and sends him flying into a large stack of TVs which all come crashing down burying him! Nelly then pulls out a big shopping cart and slams it into the pedestrian's face, leaving him a mangled mess.
We then fade to much later, when most customers have cleared out and they can begin clean-up. One worker comes by and just stares at the unusual carnage brought on by this year's Black Friday. Or really just by Nelly and Kurt. He sighs.
Adrien: I'm getting too old for this crap.
We cut back to the live arena and “I’m Ok” by Little Big begins playing as “Guttertrash” Greg Adkins comes out from the back to stand at the entrance stage. He has the fake Phoenix championship belt around his waist with a particular amount of pride as he struts before a booing crowd.
Phillips: We’re getting ready to find out what’s going on with the Phoenix title and there’s Greg with the fake one. Think he’s the announcement?
Magnus: Not a chance he’s the announcement. I mean, I would have known first and I’m surprised too.
Greg Adkins does like a crotch chop, but more presenting the fake Phoenix title rather than his crotch. He makes his way down to the ring, slapping the hands of the few fans that put their hands out to be slapped, laughing at the fans that boo him as he rolls into the ring and demands a microphone.
Phillips: What do you think he has to say?
Magnus: If I’m a guessing man? I would say something to do with that fake title around his waist.
Adkins: Hello, fans! I’m here too announce that Redmond Fury is dead! I mean, you people did see him get eaten by a bear. Did you not? The man is dead and can no longer represent the Phoenix championship. I think that vacating the title is a dumb and repetitive move when I am clearly the runner up with the title right here. BAM!
And as if to prove his point, Greg motions to the fake Phoenix title around his waist with a wide grin.
Adkins: I already have this championship belt. All I ask is to be able to trade it in for the real one that’s probably still bloodstained with bits of Redmond Fury meat on it from when he was eaten by the bear. I mean, it’s not a difficult thing to consider. Right? Redmond’s dead and therefore the guy who was runner up, me, should be champion. I mean when you think about it. It’s really disrespectful to the memory of AWF that Redmond let himself be devoured by a bear in the first place. Also, isn’t that the bear that I got for Magnus in the first place?
Phillips: Is Greg admitting to setting the bear on Redmond in the first place? Did he get you that bear?
Magnus: I don’t recall if it was that bear or a different one. They all kinda look alike to me anyways. Except for polar bears; screw them guys.
Phillips: And panda bears?
Magnus: I don’t think pandas count as bears.
Adkins: I’m going to go ahead and head to the back and begin celebrating my Phoenix title victory as I am sure that the right choice will be made here. It’s the only real choice that makes sense anyway. So when Redmond is formally announced as dead and I am to be given the title in the middle of the ring like an inauguration ceremony, I’ll be a few sheets to the wind, but I can manage walking down to the ring, accepting my belt, and making you lot KISS MY ASS!
“I’m Ok” by Little Big begins again as Greg Adkins makes his way to the back with the crowd booing his every step of the way.
Phillips: Are we going to give him the Phoenix title?
Magnus: It’s not time to make any announcements yet.
Phillips: That’s not an answer.
Magnus: Of course not.
Backstage, Bonnie Jenkins is about to head out through the entrance, when Magnus pushes through the curtains to cut her off.
Magnus: Bonnie this is an unexpected surprise.
Bonnie Jenkins: Head office left you dozens of voice messages and e-mails letting you know we’d be sending someone by this show-
Magnus: Never got a single one. You just can’t get good help these days. So, to what do we owe this pleasure?
Bonnie Jenkins: Mongo sent me to retrieve the Phoenix championship-
Magnus: What- why?
Bonnie Jenkins: XHF management thought it would be good for Redmond Fury to take the Phoenix championship to GUNS... but now that he’s deceased, we don’t want this turning into another Tag championship situation with infinite holding patterns against questionable jobbers.
Magnus: I’m sure I have no idea what you’re talking about. And if Redmond Fury died, this is the first I’m hearing of it-
Bonnie Jenkins: At End of Days, he was eaten by one of your bears in a match you were commentating.
Magnus: The way I remember it, the bear consumed the championship as well. So how am I supposed to get it back for you?
Bonnie Jenkins: Euthanizing the man-eater seems like the minimal legal recourse, but shouldn’t the belt have passed through by this-
Magnus: I'm not gonna cut that thing open and have that little Fury boy spill out all over ringside!
Bonnie Jenkins: He was hardly litt-
Magnus: Oh Bonnie. I expect the marks to swallow that, but you too? It was just an angle. You thought that was real? It was just a special effect for Halloween.
Bonnie Jenkins: It was obscenely graphic.
Magnus: We spared no expense. But as you can see-
Magnus pulls up the curtain for half a second to show the arena where Redmond Fury is throwing around The Pilgrim.
Magnus: Fury is very much alive, and well, and a fighting champion. So please let Mongo know that the Phoenix title is in GUNS to stay.
Before Bonnie can get a closer look, Magnus pulls the curtains shut.
Magnus: Now, if you’ll excuse me – I should probably get back to providing commentary on this spectacular defense.
Bonnie Jenkins: I’ll stick around and watch-
Magnus: NO! I mean, um, sure, if you want to – but when you’ve seen Fury toss one guy around like a ragdoll you’ve seen them all. Besides, I had Travis Scott hyping the event and the fire marshal tells me we're WAAAY past capacity.
Bonnie Jenkins: In that case-
Magnus: Great seeing you, Bonnie! And let us know next time you’re coming, we’ll give you the VIP treatment.
Magnus backpedals through the curtains, stepping into the arena with a sycophantic smile. The second Magnus is through, he pulls them tight behind him with a sigh of relief. He waits a beat for Bonnie to wander off, before letting go. The camera follows alongside him, as Magnus walks down to ringside.
XHF Fauenix Championship
Redmond Faux-ury (L.A. Wombat in a muscle suit) vs. The Pilgrim
Phillips: Did she buy it?
Magnus: God I hope so.
Phillips: Why not fess up to it?
Magnus: We didn’t ask for the gold, we don’t want it, but I WILL SEE YOU ALL DEAD before I give it back to the XHF brass. Besides, if word gets out that my furry friends are killing wrestlers – someone might try to take our bears away. Or worse, stop them from wrestling.
While the announcers discuss their highly litigious scheme like no one monitors the shows to catch them, in the ring L.A. Wombat awkwardly throws elbows barely able to flail his arms under the foot of rubber. The Pilgrim looks like he hasn’t eaten in a week, but has just enough sense to side step the heavy blows.
Phillips: The Pilgrim begging off – asking Wo-Fury for food.
Magnus: Los Authentico er Fury only has some protein bars on him. Oh you’ll get your calorie count in, but that’s not real food.
Phillips: The Pilgrim with a low blow – which gets absorbed by the suit. I mean, Fury is too much of a man to acknowledge such tactics.
Magnus: The Pilgrim sweeps the leg, pulling the rug out from under Fury just like he did the last people that offered him food, dragging the champion over into an inside cradle!
ONE!
Phillips: Fury struggling to get his arm up under all that rubber. I mean muscle.
TWO!
Magnus: Shoulder up! That was so close, I thought we had a new Phoenix champion there.
Phillips: Fury sends Pilgrim flying with an elbow smash. I don’t know if it’s the costume, but Wom- Fury is looking a lot stronger right now.
Magnus: The strongest athlete in the XHF.
Magnus manages to stifle a “god rest his soul.” A hip toss sends The Pilgrim soaring through the air, before bouncing off the ropes and falling to the canvas with an unceremonious thud. Holding his back in pain, The Pilgrim once again begs for food. This draws loud jeers from the crowd, who are all full from the previous days Thanksgiving and find his brand of oldey time garb now out of date. Another hellacious hip toss by the costumed Wombat sends the Pilgrim flying.
Magnus: Pilgrim begging for dear life – wait, throws his hat at... Fury.
Phillips: That’s called a Capotain.
Magnus: Well, Capotain to Fury’s eyes, and Pilgrim charges in with a spear- no! Fury using the momentum to get the smaller man up with a backdrop driver!
ONE!
TWO!
THREE!
Announcer: The winner of this match as a result of a pinfall, and STILL very much alive-
REDMOND FAUX-URY!
The crowd boo Wombat, not because they don’t all love Wombat, but because they were quite fond of Fury and find this current turn of events ghoulish at best.
Phillips: He pulled it off.
Magnus: We all did. Having that match going on with Jenkins around, I thought I was going to have a- OH NO!
Bonnie Jenkins can be seen near a concession stand, getting dangerously close to a group of fans arguing about whether Wombat’s impression is a touching tribute to a dead friend, or the latest failed gimmick change in a string of attempts trying to keep him relevant while Dylan Black ducks the inevitable demonic Venom match.
Magnus: Get Wombat out of there, fast!
Phillips: The title defence is over- what is the worst thing that can ha-
Crowd: MASSIVE BOOS.
Colossus Rhodes breaks a chair across the heavily padded back of Wombat, the force breaks the chair in half, and sends XHF’s favourite marsupial crashing to the canvas.
Colossus Rhodes: What farce is this?
Magnus: I have to go- security get him out of here!
In the ring, Colossus Rhodes cuts off The Pilgrim’s retreat, grounding him with a big boot to the face. Scooping up The Thanksgiving gimmick character, Rhodes powerbombs him down onto Wombat. The rubber suit still seems to absorb some of the punishment. So Rhodes powerbombs Pilgrim again, and again, and again, until Wombat looks like his real ribs might be broken. While Rhodes is mangling the two men, Magnus is running through the audience to try to distract Bonnie Jenkins.
Colossus Rhodes: You were all witness to my destruction of your champion. Your officials might have found a way to deny me the title that day, but the winner was clear, and the price for his resistance? Death.
Magnus has made it to the concession stand, just as Jenkins turns to face the ring.
Magnus: You’re not eating here? There is a really great steak joint just up the block.
Bonnie Jenkins: I was actually checking the numbers.
Colossus Rhodes: How you choose to honour your dead heroes is telling of your character. The concept of becoming champion of a place such as this, is almost as distasteful to me as I find your moral fibre. Yet YOU ALL SAW me win that belt, and I will have my due.
A hundred feet away from the ring, Magnus tries to direct Bonnie’s attention towards him, and away from Rhodes in-ring bellowing. The GUNS owner even positions some loud fans between them and the show.
Magnus: Did you feel like grabbing a bite to eat?
Bonnie Jenkins: Don’t you have a show to commentate?
Magnus: These this practically run themselves.
Colossus Rhodes: REDMOND FURY IS DEAD. GIVE ME THE TITLE.
Bonnie Jenkins: What did he say?
Jenkins turns back to the ring, just as a dozen security guards try to remove Rhodes from it. He makes short work of them, finding a way to pile most on top of Wombat who would be making Apollo Creed death spasms if he wasn’t getting crushed.
Magnus: What did WHO say?
Bonnie Jenkins: Who is dead.
Magnus: Oh, I didn’t hear anything about dead. He said they should be WED.
Bonnie Jenkins: Who?
Magnus: That’s what I’d like to know.
“HOW DARE YOU!”
The Ohio Native pushes through the curtains with microphone in hand.
Ohio Native: My dear friend, Redmond Fury, his corpse isn’t even cold inside that bear- and here you are trying to pick his festering carcass for scraps, like a damned vulture.
Bonnie Jenkins: Wait, Fury’s corpse?
Magnus: You know those wrestlers and their metaphors.
Bonnie Jenkins: No, I’m pretty sure he-
Magnus: BONNIE! I CAN’T HIDE THIS FROM YOU ANY LONGER-
Security which were already having a hard enough time not having their asses kicked by Colossus Rhodes now struggle to keep him and Ohio Native from brawling. Are either man under contract? Is Wombat still breathing? If security weren’t always at ringside, would less non-contract wrestlers be able to sneak into he venues?
Magnus: WILL YOU MARRY ME?
Magnus gets down on his knee. He doesn’t have a ring, because this is clearly a last ditch effort to distract Bonnie, and he’s not great at thinking on his feet.
Bonnie Jenkins: I told you to stop trying to use me for GUNS angles, Magnus.
Spotting a camera on her, Bonnie Jenkins turns to leave.
Magnus: I’m being serious!
Bonnie Jenkins: And HR will be in touch about appropriate workplace conduct.
Bonnie Jenkins leaves in disgust. Magnus falls to both knees. Is he crying for the first time since Redmond Fury died? Relief? No. That sensitivity training is really going to suck.
Colossus Rhodes: At least you show some integrity. Very well sidekick. Boxing Day. If you wish to defend Fury’s name, I will make my presence felt. But make no mistake, after I send you to meet him, I will finish off this usurper and claim my rightful property.
Ohio Native: Roar all you want you giant douche, on Boxing Day I’m giving my pal a proper memorial, by chopping you down to size.
Phillips: There you have it fans, it looks like Colossus Rhodes has unfinished business here in GUNS and Ohio Native has answered the call. Also Redmond Fury successfully defended his title. I hope Wombat is alright.
*Bump*
Magnus: What did I miss?
Phillips: It’ll be Ohio and Rhodes next month!
Magnus: Neither of them work here!
Phillips: You were busy.
Magnus: Is Wombat all right?
Steve Awesome is walking down the hallway. He stops when he sees the vending machine. We go to an extreme close up on his face. He squints as we hear the familiar whistle from every Wild West movie showdown. We then cut to a close up of the vending machine and we hear the “WAAAH WAH WAAAAAAAAH” that usually follows that whistle. You know the one. Then we see a shot in widescreen with Steve on one end, and the machine on the other.
Awesome: It’s high noon… or I’m just high… and I need those Funyuns. So you’re going to give them to me, or else
Steve approaches the machine in a slow, confident walk. Close up on his hip as he wiggles his fingers next to his pocket.
Awesome: Draw!
Awesome pulls a crisp dollar out of his pocket and slides it into the vending machine. Cut to Awesome’s face. Cut to vending machine. Cut back to Awesome, sweating. Cut back to vending machine. Cut back to Awesome, with a Dirty Harry scowl on his face. Cut back to vending machine. The vending machine... spits the dollar back out.
Awesome: SON OF A BITCH!
Awesome kicks the vending machine. A puff of smoke billows out from behind it and fills the room. Steve is hacking up a lung. When the smoke clears, a tarp is over the vending machine and a man in a vending machine costume and another in a chocolate bar costume are standing in front of Steve Awesome.
Vending Machine: Steve Awesome! We are tired- of you- attacking me!
Chocolate Bar: Yes! You… you uh…
Chocolate Bar looks at his hand.
Chocolate Bar: You have disturbed my HOME- for the last TIME!
Vending Machine: We are challenging you- and the President- to a match- tonight!
Awesome: Do I get Funyuns if I win?
Vending Machine: Um… I don’t know, you asking us questions wasn’t in the script.
Awesome: What?
Chocolate Bar: What my PARTNER means, is… MAYBE!?
Awesome: Good enough! You’re on! ...If this isn’t just a drug induced hallucination.
Steve walks away. The two guys look at each other. Then Curtis Kanyon sneaks into the room from the other direction.
Kanyon: Well, did he buy it?
Vending Machine: Sir yes sir! We have the match.
Kanyon: Great, great. We need Steve fully focused on helping me destroy Blobby, so we need this GUNS feud to end tonight. Thank you for your service and letting us beat the shit out of you later!
Kanyon leaves the room.
Chocolate Bar: Thanks! ...Wait, what?
Vending Machine: This is our big break, we can do this man! Let’s go out there and win!
Chocolate Bar: *GULP* I don’t know man, we don’t even have names!
We fade and cut back to the arena.
The image is black.
Did the signal cut out?
No. There are faint dripping sounds – a cave perhaps?[/b]
“How am I still alive?”
A light cuts in, not strong, but almost blinding given the surroundings.
The image is out of focus, but a large figure has turned on GoPro Camera.
Redmond Fury is alive.
The Buckeye Bruiser has seen better days - caked in blood, some of his injuries looking like teeth marks. The camera light illuminates his profile, but the XHF Phoenix Champion appears to be in a cold, dark place. How did he get here? Where is here? With one hand he holds the camera as a torch, with the other he holds his head, another wave of searing pain. Seated on what looks like a heap of trash, Fury leans back against a slimy pink wall.
Redmond Fury: Is this hell?
“We should be so lucky.”
Redmond Fury: Who’s there?
“Little help?”
Redmond Fury: Oh, sorry.
The Buckeye Bruiser shifts his weight, causing all manner of rubbish to fall down the hill. Groaning in agony, a man in a rather filthy bird suit crawls out from under him. The grey bird points a frayed wing up at a large opening in the ceiling.
“You fell from up there.”
Redmond Fury: Thanks for breaking my fall mister-
Dirty Byrd: Folks round these parts call me, Byrd.
Redmond Fury: Please call me, Red.
Dirty Byrd: It was a heck of a fall, Red. You don’t look too chewed up though. I don’t suppose you could climb back up there, maybe carry me? You did crush me.
Redmond Fury: That looks like a one-way trip. Hang on.
Another blast of pain, but Fury shakes it off, remembering something.
Redmond Fury: Are we inside the bear?
Dirty Byrd (shrug): If you say so. Been here so long, I don’t rightly remember. Seems awful spacious to be an animal. Does have that new bear smell.
Redmond Fury: Well I’m sure Magnus has already set about sending a rescue team for me, he’s a very thoughtful man.
Dirty Byrd: Sounds peachy.
Reaching to his left, Redmond Fury collects the XHF Phoenix Championship. He holds it tight, relieved he didn’t lose it. Then slowly wraps it around his waist with his less bloody arm.
Dirty Byrd: Are you some kind of champ? Yeah, you look strong. Think you could punch through a few of these walls? Get us out of here.
Redmond Fury: We will – but another way. If we’re inside a living creature, I will find us a way out of it without causing the beast harm. It is an animal, when it ate me, it was just doing what comes natural. The bear isn’t to blame. I’ll find a safe way out for us, and it...
Rusty cans roll down the trash mound. Fury and Byrd look down to see a large box sifting through the debris for supplies. Finding some bandages, the Box looks up with a smile.
Ken in the Box: Newcomer? Welcome!
Redmond Fury and the Dirty Byrd walk down to greet this familiar XHF star.
Redmond Fury: Ken in the Box? I never expected to see you here. Why that season one battle royal you won was the reason I signed up with GUNS. It’s a real pleasure to meet you sir. I’m Redmond Fury. Don’t tell me UrsusLa ate you too?
Ken in the Box: Eaten by an voracious omnivore that has no business inside a squared circle, or telling Magnus you just signed a lucrative contract with J-ROK... all roads lead to the same place. Nice to meet you, Fury. My place is about half-a-mile down that vein, it’s not much but its home. Why don’t you follow me, looks like you had a rough journey here, but we’ll have you patched up in no time.
Redmond Fury: That is very kind of, thank you, Ken.
The three men start to walk down a slimy pink tunnel.
Ken in the Box: Is Wombat still active?
Redmond Fury: He almost beat me for this championship twice. It was so close, I was sure he had my number. Everyone wants to put him in the hall of fame, but he refuses to retire.
Ken in the Box: Wombat never did know when to quit.
Redmond Fury: You’ve been here for some time Ken, do you have any idea how to get out?
Ken in the Box: Get out?
Redmond Fury: Yes, we wanted to find a non-violent way to get outside.
Dirty Byrd: Uh, Fury-
Ken in the Box: Why would anyone want to go outside when you’re inside? Being INSIDE is the best.
Redmond Fury: I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to offend-
Ken in the Box: A box within a box. Why would you want to mess that up for me?
Redmond Fury: We’ll just be on our way-
Ken in the Box stomps on Redmond Fury’s foot – with his box.
Redmond Fury: This is just a misunderstanding. I really don’t want to fight you, Ken.
A hip box attack knocks Fury into a slime-covered wall. The sticky texture makes it hard for Fury to free himself, leaving the champion open to an avalanche. Ken then puts Fury in a headlock, still grinding him into the sludge.
Dirty Byrd: That reminds me, Fury. I got me a referee license.
XHF Phoenix Championship
INSIDE A BEAR
Redmond Fury (c) vs. Ken in the Box
Fury muscles his way out of headlock, firing Ken off into the pink wall.
Redmond Fury: That’s nice, Byrd – but I fail to see how-
Ken in the Box rams into Fury with a body press.
ONE!
TWO!
KICKOUT!
Fury knocks Ken off with a spinning elbow, and starts to get up – only for Ken to nail him with a boxed shoulderblock. Another boxed shoulderblock sends Fury crashing back into the mound of debris. Ken charges in for a third, only for Fury to knock him off with a PEC POP! Fury ducks a roundhouse right and nails a jumping PEC POP that almost knocks Ken out of his box. Fury is quick to cover-
Redmond Fury: I don’t want to hurt you-
ONE!
TWO!
THREE-Box up!
Ken in the Box: What would you know, Outsider?
Grabbing a large partially eaten tuna, Ken smashes the weighty fish over Fury’s head. A few shots knock Fury into some rusty cans.
Dirty Byrd: Don’t cut yourself on those cans, they look very unsanitary.
Redmond Fury: We’re inside a bear!
Ken in the Box: I know! It’s paradise! Why are you trying to mess this up for me?
Another vicious tuna shot! Fury brings up a “Do Not Feed Animals” sign to use as a shield. He defends against one strike, rolling with the heavy tuna shots. The force of them continues to move the two men further into garbage dump. Finally a particularly brutal tuna swing knocks the shield out of Fury’s grasp. It flies through the air, almost taking Byrd’s head off!
Dirty Byrd: Keep your hands off the officials, or I’ll disqualify you.
Redmond Fury: Would a disqualification stop him?
Tuna shot! And another! Standing senton box!
ONE!
TWO!
THRE-shoulder up.
Ken kicks against the ground, using his large box frame to shove Fury across broken glass towards a puddle of stomach acid. It’s bubbling. Fury puts the breaks on right before he can go head first into the acid. Frustrated, Ken lays in a few more fish shots. Ken winds up for the deathblow, only to slip on a banana peel. Falling backwards into the mound, Ken displaces a small mound of Off The Wagon merchandise, which pins him to the ground. Looking to end this defence with as little violence as possible, Fury takes advantage of Ken’s trapped arms.
ONE!
TWO!
THREE!
Dirty Byrd: Now where did I leave that?
Looking around in the debris for a second, Dirty Byrd picks up a penny whistle and a tin pan, using one to smack the other.
PING! PING! PING!
Dirty Byrd: The winner of this match- and STILL- what title do you have?
Redmond Fury: The XHF Phoenix title.
Dirty Byrd: AND STILL PHOENIX CHAMPION, THE MUSCULAR NEWCOMER. FURY, right?
Redmond Fury: Right. (looking down at a struggling Ken) Now, I’m going to lift this off you – but please stop attacking me.
Ken in the Box: NEVER! You’ll never take me outside!
Redmond Fury: If you don’t want to join us, you don’t have to- but Byrd and me are leaving. Even without your help, we’ll find a way.
The Buckeye Bruiser shoves against the thousands of Off the Wagon tees – shoving them off of Ken. The Man in the Box, looks apprehensive, but grudgingly stays still.
Redmond Fury: If you’re happy here – well, more power to you. Let’s go, Byrd.
The Phoenix champion and his dodgy referee make there way down a narrow passage. As the duo head out to their next adventure hoping that it might be the one that leads them out of the bear, Byrd plays the end credit theme from the Incredible Hulk TV show on his penny whistle.
Magnus: I asked for all available security for this announcement to keep these two from ripping each other apart, but apparently half the guys quit when they heard what the segment was and the other four somehow came down with Covid. So this will have to do. As you can see the champion is in the ring so all we need now is GOOOOOOOLDBEAR.
The lights dim on the stage and sparkling pyros shoot up from the stage and Goldbear walks out amongst the pyro.
Magnus: Cut it all. Cut it all now.
The pyro dies down and Goldbear stands on the stage looking quite annoyed.
Magnus: I wanted you both in the ring but four just ain’t enough and I care about my health and well being so stay right there.
Goldbear II snarls in the corner and Goldbear crosses his arms in disgust, but both seem willing to comply.
Magnus: Alright. It seems nothing is going to keep the two of you from fighting if we don’t get this resolved soon. That’s why at Gun Show Boxing Day the two of you will face off one more time for the Bear Necessitates Championship. This is the last show of 2021 and the last show before we take a break so a regular match just won’t do. So in the spirit of the day you will compete in a boxing match!
The crowd goes nuts as Goldbear nods in approval and exits and Goldbear II just scratches his balls. The ring clears out and we cut to out announcers.
Tom Phillips: I’m excited about this next match, Magnus.
Magnus: Why is that?
Tom Phillips: When The Bang Bros come to the ring, they get the girls to get wild. Daddy likey.
Magnus: You need help Tom.
The lights in the arena explode to life as they flash red, white, and blue to the beat of the opening riffs of “American Males” by Jimmy Hart plays over the P.A. Curtis Kanyon and Steve Awesome emerge from the entryway wearing matching sequined leather jackets. Curtis is also carrying his trusty sledgehammer over his shoulder. Curtis and Steve high five and then head down to the ring. Curtis rolls into the ring and heads to a corner. Steve hops into the ring and he provocatively slips off his jacket and then spins and drops into a kneel and he flexes his arms. At the same time, Curtis hoists his hammer into the air and yells “BANG!” They both get a slow motion effect as pyro sprays behind them.
Magnus: The Bang Bros put up an open challenge. Let’s see who answered.
Tom Phillips: I think I saw a boob!
I want Candy by Bow Wow Wow starts playing as a man dressed as a vending machine and another man dressed as a candy bar come walking down to the ring.
Tom Phillips: What an absolute treat this is going to be. Steve Awesome has had issues with the vending machines since the beginning of the season. Now they are finally going to clash.
Magnus: You can’t be serious. That isn’t a real vending machine and that isn’t a real candy bar.
Tom Phillips: How can you be so sure?
Magnus: Well one, we saw Kanyon paying the jobbers earlier. And two, have you ever seen a candy bar or a vending machine with arms and legs?
Tom Phillips: *thinks*
Magnus: Well there is the bell, this match is underway.
Steve Awesome and the Candy Bar start things off. Steve steps up to the middle with a cocky smirk. He points at his chin telling the Candy Bar to strike him. Bar swings but Steve is able to simply move his head away with ease. Steve dodges a few more strikes and then hits a headlock take over that takes the bar to the ground. Steve keeps a hold of the headlock and then throws his legs in the air for a flashy head stand. Half the crowd cheers and the other boos. Curtis roots for him from ringside. Then Steve uses a free hand to reach up and do a couple crotch chops while still in the head stand.
Tom Phillips: Man Steve is cool.
Magnus: He isn’t that cool.
Tom Phillips: I bet if I followed him around I would get with some of the groupies he doesn’t get. He is a big shot Hollywood actor you know.
Magnus: I’m a way better actor than he is.
The Bar gets annoyed and jerks himself free of Steve’s loose grip. Steve flips over to his feet and the Bar comes after him with a lariat. Steve side steps the Bar and he goes bouncing into the ropes and on the rebound Steve catches him with a CrossFace chicken wing German suplex. The candy bar lands hard on his head and Steve feels real good about what he did. He looks over at his tag partner Kanyon.
Steve Awesome: Dude! I’m breaking off a piece of my foot, in this Kit Kat bars ass!!
Kanyon laughs and gives him a thumbs up from the apron.
Curtis Kanyon: Good one bro! I’m snickering over here.
The Candy Bar lays on the ground holding its neck, reaching out for a tag. Steve is to busy celebrating to see him make a tag to the vending machine. Steve hears the refs call and sees the man dressed in the costume step in the ring and suddenly Steve doesn’t seem as confident.
Tom Phillips: Here we go. Steve vs Big Van Vending. Try as he might, Steve could not get to the machine to work for him no matter what. He has never been able to overcome the vending machine. Now he has to try and out wrestle it.
Magnus: Well that’s a guy in a costume. But Steve did show he could handle the other guy pretty easily. Surely things will be no-
Steve goes running into his opponent and the vending machine slams him to the mat with a uranage.
Magnus: Different?
Tom Phillips: It’s just a little hiccup. Steve is the face of the franchise. He can beat this guy.
Steve gets up, holding his back, nodding his head like “okay nice move”. He glances over at Kanyon who reassured him. Steve nods, takes a deep breath, gets up and runs right into an arm drag! Steve pops up again but goes head first into another deeper arm drag. Steve slaps the mat in frustration and gets up and gets drilled by a huge tilt o whirl back breaker. Steve yells out in pain.
Tom Phillips: This vending machine is proving to have Steve’s number at everything! He might need to make a tag.
Magnus: It’s not a real vending machine. I knew a guy who played a vending machine on Broadway. That was acting. You stuck a quarter in his mouth and a can of Pepsi came out the other end. It was cold too. We didn’t ask questions either. We just stood back and enjoyed the craft of acting……erm Steve should probably make a tag though…
Tom Phillips: Wait what is the big van vending signaling for.
Magnus: Oh no! It can’t be!
Vending has one hand around his wrist and that hand in the shape of a CLAW! He reaches out and clamps it onto the face and head of Steve Awesome! Steve frantically reaches all around him for some kind of escape.
Tom Phillips: Big Van Vending has THE CLAW locked onto the face of the face of the franchise!
Magnus: And he is fading fast.
You can hear the muffled screams of Steve from under Vendings hand.
Steve Awesome: “Ugh god! His glove smells terrible!”
Either it’s the severe pain of the hold or the intense smell of the glove but Steve starts to slow down. His arms starts moving as much and he drops to one knee. He looks out if it but with one last desperate move he lunges for the rope! He gets there but Vending keeps the claw locked in as the ref counts to four. Vending lets go and the ref gets between them and yells at Vending. Steve is on spaghetti legs as he tries to get his bearings.
Magnus: I think that took a lot out of Steve.
Tom Phillips: Nah. Steve is fine. Look he’s fine!
Magnus: He can barely walk!
Steve staggered and stumbled over to his corner.
Curtis Kanyon: You good? You want to tag out?
Steve Awesome: No no no no, I’m good. I’m fine. I’m alright. I got this guy!
Steve turns around to face Vending. Steve takes one step forward and just flops onto his face.
Tom Phillips: I don’t think Steve is fine.
Magnus: I think you're right, Tom!
Vending tries to take advantage with a pin attempt but Steve manages to frantically scramble into a tag to Kanyon.
Tom Phillips: Steve Awesome still couldn’t overcome his issue with the vending machine. But former president Kanyon won’t be pardoning this jive Turkey.
Magnus: I think you are really looking into this whole Steve, vending machine beef. I think this guy in the costume is just really good. It won’t be any different.
Kanyon steps into the ring and gets into the face of Big Van Vending. Vending, feeling really sure of himself after tossing Steve around, gives out a mighty roar and then chops Kanyon in the chest.
No effect.
Vending tries a punch to the face.
No effect on the president.
Vending pulls out the big guns and locks on the dreaded CLAW!
No effect. In fact, Curtis just stands there and looks over at Steve who is still laying on the apron and rolls his eyes. Kanyon just grabs the man, lifts him up for a gorilla press slam and drops him like a sack of potatoes.
Tom Phillips: WHAT A MOVE BY KANYON!! He must be immune to the vending machine's power, Magnus!
Magnus: Wow. I’ve been commentating on The Gun Show for years. Why am I still surprised by things like this?
Kanyon continues to take control with some clubbing blows to the spine. Kanyon aggressively pulls Vending up to his feet and choke tosses him into his own corner. Kanyon quickly flips Vending into the tree of woe! Kanyon runs to the other side of the ring to get a running start. Vending tags in Candy Bar! Candy gets into the ring after Kanyon to stop him but the former President hits a running shoulder block straight through Candy bar and still lands an elbow to the face of Vending!!
Tom Phillips: oh man! Two for one special from Kanyon!
Magnus: He’s taking them both out with ease! Why did Steve have such a hard time?
Tom Phillips: Steve is clearly having some sort of deep psychological issue regarding his luck with the vending machine. Deep within his subconscious mind I think Steve might be correlating issues with defeat and rejection along with the fact that he could never get that darn vending machine to work since the season began. Now after a slow burn building up to this moment, he’s having a hard time overcoming all the frustration and feelings of self doubt he has built up within his psyche.
Magnus:….that might be the smartest thing I’ve ever heard you say, Tom.
Tom Phillips: Ooh look over there Magnus, that girl’s got boobs!
In the ring, Candy Bar starts to get up but notices Kanyon setting up for the BANG! and falls back to the mat in a fetal position. Kanyon points into the hard camera!
Curtis Kanyon: That’s going to be Blobby after I get my hands on him!
Tom Phillips: Kanyon sending a message to Blobby!
Magnus: What does Kanyon have in store for Blobby here?
Kanyon grabs Candy Bar sets him up with Bars head between his legs, lifts him up and power bombs him into the turnbuckle, then with a bit of bounce and mostly strength Kanyon lifts Bar back up turns him around and hits a brutally devastating falling powerbomb that breaks the full size candy bar into fun size pieces!
Tom Phillips: Oklahoma stampede powerbomb! What a move!
Magnus: Kanyon with the first pin attempt of the night. It’s gotta be over!
The ref slides into position.
1…
2…..
Big Van Vending breaks up the pin! Kanyon gets up and punches Vending out and grabs Bar and drags him to his corner. He goes to tag Steve but the awesome one looks a little apprehensive. But then Steve gets an idea and drops to the floor and dives under the ring. After a few moments he comes back out with DYLAN BLACKS ARM!!
Tom Phillips: Ha ha yes!
Magnus: You find this funny? I don’t find it very funny to be honest!
Steve holds the right arm of Dylan and gets back on the apron and holds his hand out for a tag. Kanyon smashes Bar’s head into the turnbuckle and tags in Steve. Steve steps into the ring holding up Dylan’s arm for everyone to see and SLIPS IT ON!!!
Tom Phillips: OH MY GOD!!!!! DID YOU SEE THAT MAGNUS! WHAT IN THE WORLD DID WE JUST WITNESS!!
Magnus: I think….I think Steve just powered up with Dylan’s arm!?
Kanyon looks on in complete shock and awe. Candy Bar spots Steve with his new metal arm and the lighting pulsating around his sexy abs and thinks twice. Bar scrambles to his corner and tags in Vending. Vending now hesitates but decides he gots this based on how well he did against Steve earlier. Vending comes in and immediately eats right hands from the powered up Face of the Franchise. Steve ducks under a wild swing from Vending with ease, traps his arm in a hammer lock, lifts him up for a back drop but innovatively turns the move into a back breaker across his knee. Vending rolls out of the ring holding his arm and his back in pain. Candy Bar drops down to check on him. Steve looks over at Kanyon and nods.
Tom Phillips: Vending and Candy are standing right in front of us, re-evaluating life right now. This is amazing, Magnus. I can’t believe Steve has completely powered up using the power of Dylan’s arm. So cool!
Magnus: Wich he stole by the way. I don’t think it’s very cool and OH MY GOD!
All of a sudden KANYON COMES OUT OF NOWHERE AND BANG!S CANDY BAR IN HALF AND STEVE COMES DIVING OVER THE TOP ROPE WITH A SUICIDE FOREARM RIGHT INTO VENDINGS FACE!!!
Magnus: Dear god man! The Bang Bros just collectively destroyed this team!
Tom Phillips: How do you not think that’s cool Magnus?
Steve is back up to his feet and he has a limp Vending and he smashes his head off the announce table.
Magnus: I don’t think it’s very cool, as a man who has metal prosthetics as well I don’t think there is anything very funny about a man stealing a disabled man’s custom made gear.
Steve slams Vending's head into the table again and glares at Magnus.
Magnus: Yeah, I’m talking to you! You second rate B actor, ableist!
Steve Awesome: You forgot arm collector, you retired little commentating bitch. So how about you color commentate on deez nuts, or else I’ll take your arm next!
Magnus takes the headset off and gets in Steve’s face. The two talk a bit of trash until Kanyon gets Steve’s attention points at Vending in the ring and the ref at the back end of his ten count. Steve realizes he’s close to being counted out and dives back into the ring at the last second. Vending is quickly on top of Steve before he can get up. Vending showers Awesome with blows.
Magnus: Sorry about that.
Tom Phillips: Damn Magnus, that was crazy.
Magnus: Look, just because I don’t compete anymore doesn’t mean I have to be scared. I stand by what I said about Steve Awesome.
Tom Phillips: Well, we will see how tough you sound if you show up to work without an arm.
Steve Awesome quickly battles back. Nailing punches with the metal arm and then a big brain buster that drops Vending right on his head. Steve is fired up. He goes to the corner, holds up the metal arm and starts slapping his thigh. The half of the crowd that are Steve Awesome fans slap along with him.
Tom Phillips: He’s using the arm to power up his super kick!
Magnus: Will you shut up!?
Vending starts to get up. He realizes Candy Bar is still out on the floor. He looks over and eats a powered up thigh slapper super kick. Vending spins around and Kanyon BANG!S him in half!
Tom Phillips: Kiss Kiss! BANG! BANG!
Magnus: I think that’s it.
Steve struts over and then drops down and hooks the leg. The ref counts but Vending is not getting up. 1..2…3!!!
WINNERS: Curtis Kanyon and Steve Awesome. THE BANG BROS!!
Tom Phillips: They did it! Steve has finally overcome the vending machine problem and now they can focus on the tag titles.
Magnus: I’ll try not to be biased but I hope Steve Awesome drowns in a lake.
As they celebrate in the ring Steve turns and looks at Magnus, talks some inaudible trash and does a crotch chop.
Magnus: Okay get this asshole out of here. Cut to the next thing or something…
As Steve is escorted out the lights drop down so that only the entranceway and the ring are illuminated as a deep, throaty, laugh not unlike that of Lemmy of Motorhead gargles over the PA system. However, just as soon as it started it is replaced by the treble-busting vocals of Freddy Mercury of Queen dropping a red hot ballad on y’all. Specifically, “Play the Game” by Queen. As the song persists, “The Mental Killer” Kris “Triple Quake” Quake and “The Corn Snake” Randy Angel- better known as Off the Wagon- walk out. Well, walk is being generous, Randy is stumbling drunk- still drinking from a flask- and Quake’s walk is more of a waddle since he appears to be trying to flex all several of his muscles at the same time. In Triple Quake’s right hand is a Stacker-2-based cocktail and in his left is a bottle of chewable vitamins. They slowly and sloppily make their way down to the ring. Upon entering it, Randy Angel goes up to a turnbuckle and throws up the referee sign for “field goal” and Quake goes to the apron. Suddenly we’re bathed in way too many strobe lights while Triple Quake pours the vitamins into his mouth and chews, then drowns them in the cocktail. If you think this is probably not healthy at all- don’t worry because he SPITS THEM OUT ALL OVER! It looks like vomit as he makes an angry face and flexes at the crowd but whatever, this match is gonna start soon!
Magnus: Here’s our champs and number one sponsor!
Phillips: Have you actually had Super Sake? It tastes like sh…
Magnus: Shtupendously delicious!
Ryan walks out onto the stage with no music and no pyro with a mic in hand.
Ryan: Look, I know I asked for this, but, uh, Chris is not going to be able to compete.
Ryan points to the entrance tunnel behind him and Chris is pushed out in a wheel chair and an upper body cast.
Ryan: So I think we’re going to have to call this off guys. Maybe we can pick this up in the second half of the season.
The Mental Killer Triple Quake calls for a mic and immediately begins his retort.
Quake: Are you kidding? You ruined our cup pyramid, demanded this match, and called us losers on Twitter and now you want to back out?
Ryan: I didn’t call you guys losers on Twitter.
Quake: Serpent who am I confusing him with.
Randy: I think it was your dad who called us losers on Twitter.
Quake: Same difference. Anyway, the Monopoly is ready for a fight so get your asses to this ring. It’s now or never.
On the stage Ryan looks torn, but ultimately he motions to his partner that he’s going to go down and do it alone. He charges down the ramp and slides into the ring leaving his partner on the ramp.
Quake: Good. Glad you want to get this done, but I think your partner deserves a better view.
Ryan turns and the person pushing the wheel chair pulls off his face covering to reveal The Forrest Kid Johnny Styler. Johnny gives Chris’ wheel chair a shove and he rolls down the entrance way and hits the ring apron and tips over.
GUNS Tag Team Championship Match
Off the Wagon vs The New Deal
Phillips: This does not look good for the New Deal.
Magnus: I don’t know, Chris can get up and in there at any time now.
Phillips: Really? The guy in the half body cast is going to save the day?
Magnus: This is Guns.
As Quake argues with the ref Ryan rolls over on the mat and begins to get up. On the outside security has helped Chris up to his feet. Quake gives up his argument with the ref and turns to Ryan who has gotten up to his knees. Quake moves in, but Ryan quickly strikes the Monopoly in the gut and doubles him over. Ryan takes a quick breath and then backs up and springs off the ropes. He runs and leaps over the doubled over Quake and then hits the other side and bounces off and leaps up and as Quake is standing up Ryan grabs and nails him with a bulldog. Ryan is feeling it and he quickly springs up to the top rope. He motions to the crowd, but he’s quickly knocked down by Randy and dropped down slit legged on the top turnbuckle. Quake slowly gets up and staggers towards the corner and tags in Randy. Randy charges into the ring and straight across to Ryan. Randy quickly gets up to the top rope with him and locks him up and leaps backwards with a drunk dropper off the top rope, but Randy hits hard and can’t make the cover.
Phillips: What a huge move. This should end it, but Randy has taken just as much damage from the move as Ryan.
Magnus: He better make it count because if he doesn’t Ryan now has someone to tag.
Phillips: Oh my god, Chris is up on the apron even though the medics are pleading for him to get down.
With Chris now up on the apron Randy rolls over and drapes an arm on top of Ryan, but Ryan kicks out at two. Randy falls onto his back and reaches up and grabs at his head. Chris begins to stomp the mat to get Ryan’s attention. Ryan, probably off of instinct begins to crawl to the corner to tag in his brother. Randy rolls over and also makes his way to his corner to tag in his partner. The two both lunge and make the tag to their partners at the same time. Chris takes a long time to bend over and step into the ring. He slowly gets in and finally stands up ready to turn the tide of the match, but he turns around to Kris Quake who waves before kicking him in the stomach area of the cast. Chris doubles over in pain and Quake quickly shoves his head between his legs and hits Chris with Park Place. Quake hooks both legs and makes the cover for the win.
Winners and still GUNS Tag Team Champions: Off the Wagon
Magnus: The murder lizard might not have been here, but he sure did make an impact.
Phillips: Absolutely. If Chris wasn't in that half cast and got that tag the match might've been drastically different.
Magnus: But Chris never should have stepped on that apron and out champs took advantage. See you all next time for Boxing Day.
Magnus shadow boxes as the credits roll and we see the tag champions celebrating in the ring with Super Sake. We fade, but not to black. We're back in the AFTERWARD. Venom and Mueller as the Borgs arms are waving and appear to be frantically explaining something, but we cannot hear them. Slowly the sound comes in as the Borgs are finishing up.
Venom: Wow I don't know anything about the science of time travel, but that really sounded like you know what you're talking about. So how do we get back.
Evil: We don't.
Mueller: What do you mean we don't?
Evil: We don't. This is what we've been striving for for years. We have only learned that to get back to here. You're one of us now.
Heavy: You are now one of us. Love your hate, your faith lost. You are now one of us.
Venom: That cannot be right.
Mueller: Yeah he's not a Borg he's a Tr...
Venom: Tree enthusiast. I can't live in a time without trees!
Venom and Mueller continue to argue when a noise causes them all to look up at the entrance hatch. The door suddenly is ripped off of its hinges and the face of BEEEEEEEF appears.
BEEF: Come with me if you want to live.
The four of the men look at each other before fighting over who climbs up the ladder through the hatchway first and we go to black.