GUN Show s3e6: Boxing Day (Mid-Season Finale)
Dec 27, 2021 18:24:23 GMT -5
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Mongo the Destroyer, Kira Izumi, and 5 more like this
Post by Venom 🕷 on Dec 27, 2021 18:24:23 GMT -5
We open the Gun Show up on the inside of the office of Magnus earlier in the day. He’s taping away at his laptop in front of him when he hears a knock at his door.
Magnus: Whose bothering me now? COME IN!
The door swings open and Bonnie Jenkins strolls in.
Bonnie: Magnus we need to talk.
Magnus: You can’t take the Phoenix title. We’re defending it. You saw for yourself.
Bonnie: I saw you try to pull the wool over my eyes, but I also saw Redmond somehow defend from inside of a bear on the replay. So that’s not why I’m here.
Magnus: Oh, great. So what do you want.
Bonnie: I have a list of complaints.
Magnus: What? What do you have to complain about?
Bonnie: Oh I have plenty, but these are not from me. These are from your viewers.
Magnus: Why are they sending complaints to you?
Bonnie: Because your voicemail has been full for two years, which is one of the repeating complaints.
Magnus: Oh.
Bonnie: We also have complaints from Charlie Velez and El Rey that you refuse to believe them. Of course the usual PETA complaints about your continued use of bears, the recent murder of a pig, and a serious question of where the bear that Greg Adkins released. I’d also like to know the answer to that one. Anyway…
Bonnie slams a pile of complaints down on his desk.
Bonnie: …if you don’t address these complaints it won’t be me here checking in, it’ll be the big guy.
Magnus: Mongo?
Bonnie: No, Kingpin.
Magnus perks up excited at the opportunity to be addressed by a fiction mafioso.
Magnus: Really!?!?
Bonnie: No, of course it’s Mongo. Now clean it up and figure it out, and please, please, don’t kill anymore animals.
Bonnie turns on her heel and exits Magnus’ office and Magnus picks up his phone.
Magnus: Yeah, we’ve gotta kill the match with Thob. If we kill another pig we’re gonna be in deep shit.
We fade out and in on the arena. BOOM, POW, BANG! We move around the arena and look at all the screaming fans. We see signs that read “WHERE’S THE BEEF,” “Velez was right,” and “Steve, take Magnus’ arm.” We cut to Magnus and Tom Phillips at ringside. Magnus does not appreciate that last sign and is not his usual jovial self and Tom Phillips takes the lead.
Phillips: Tom “The Pussy Killa” Phillips here along side Magnus welcoming you to the GUN Show. We’ve got a big show here tonight highlighted by the first boxing match in GUNS history.
Magnus: …
Phillips: What great insight Magnus! Now let’s head to our first match.
“Big Dick” by Little Big begins playing as “Guttertrash” Greg Adkins walks out onto the entrance stage with the fake Phoenix title around his waist. He struts around the stage while the fans boo him for being a fake champion.
Phillips: Are we really going to let Greg defend a fake title when the real champion is…dead?
Magnus: The real champion is fine just fine.
Phillips: We all saw him eaten by the bear.
Magnus: He is in Germany having a holiday and we have a servicable stand in champion in the meantime!
Phillips: What about Greg?
Magnus: Let him have his time in the sun. When Fury is done with his holiday in Germany, he’ll come and crush Greg underfoot.
Greg Adkins makes his way down to the ring, stepping in with a flourish. He hands the ref the fake Phoenix title, who reluctantly holds it up for display to the crowd before handing it off to the timekeeper. Greg grabs the microphone from the ring announcer and smiles to the booing crowd.
Adkins: It is I, your REAL Phoenix champion. I’m fresh from defeating that bastard, Redmond Fury. Now, I will defend this title against none other than Kerry Davis! Will I be able to defeat such a formidable foe? Stay here and find out!
Phillips: Is he really bringing in his own “for hire jobber” to the ring to defeat so he looks good?
Magnus: Kerry could be a real challenger. You never know. Besides, you remember what happened last time he went to face Kerry Davis.
Phillips: Greg nearly died?
Magnus: And we got a good match.
Instead of whatever Kerry Davis’ entrance music, we get “Bear Hunt” and Greg’s face goes pale.
Phillips: Is this another bait and switch? Who is coming out now?
Magnus: I don’t know, but Greg sure looks like he knows.
Ethan Mills walks out from the back, smiling to the crowd, who suddenly know who to expect and begin to cheer. “The Iron Bear” Joe Ghaven walks out next, his massive frame making the smaller Ethan look like a halfling. Greg begins to pace the ring, looking rather worried. He goes to the ref and points out Joe Ghaven, clearly trying to explain that Joe is NOT Kerry Davis and should not be allowed to compete for the title.
Phillips: Looks like the ref is not having any of Greg’s nonsense and is allowing the match!
Magus: Greg is on his knees and…reaching for the ref’s pants? Is he offering the ref a blowie in the middle of the ring in exchange for throwing this mountain of a man out?
Phillips: They are saying that he is Joe Ghaven and his manager, Ethan Mills. They were under the employ of NPW and Armand von Krauss until recently. He might be on Armand’s payroll still by the way he’s looking at Greg.
Magnus: OOh snap. We might have two dead Phoenix champions.
Phillips: You admit it! Redmond is dead!
Magnus: No. I am just implying that Greg will count as two people when Joe rips him in half.
Phillips: Oh.
Joe Ghaven steps into the ring, towering over Greg Adkins as he stands there. Greg drops to his knees and immediately begins to beg as the bell sounds to start the match.
Phillips: Is Greg offering Joe a blowie to leave the ring?
Magnus: I don’t think so? Oh wait, he is.
Joe Ghaven raises both fists into the air to thump Greg in the head when Greg lunges upwards with a mighty low blow! Joe stops his motion, his eyes bulging from the attack. Greg jumps to his feet and goes to the ropes. He comes back with a shoulder charge that does absolutely nothing.
Greg looks up at Joe and smiles before cranking a fist back to punch him. Joe catches the fist. Greg just smiles, but that quickly turns into a pained sad face as Joe squeezes his fist. Greg drops back down to his knees, tapping the hand that’s clutching at his fist. The ref immediately gets in there and double checks to make sure that Greg is still in the match or if he’s given up. Greg refuses.
Joe growls and hits a knee lift to Greg’s chin, releasing his fist and letting him fall backwards to the mat like a man who had been shot. Joe walks over and places his foot onto Greg’s chest for an insulting pinfall attempt. The ref gets into position for the count.
One
Two
Th-Greg kicks out!
Phillips: I don’t know if that was the smartest thing for Greg to do.
Magnus: No one has claimed thus far that Greg is smart.
Phillips: Unless it’s making drugs.
Magnus: Right. Then, he’s a whiz.
Joe leans down and picks Greg up before hurling him at the ropes. Greg bounces off the ropes and comes back to being flipped by a clothesline. Ethan yells from the outside of the ring for Joe to go for the cover. Which Joe does.
One
Tw-Joe jumps up, looking very angry.
Phillips: WHat happened there?
Magnus: The old surprise finger in the butt trick.
Phillips: That’s just…wrong.
Magnus: It worked, didn’t it?
Phillips: I suppose.
Joe hauls off and kicks Greg in the side of the head, sending a spray of blood and spittle toward the side of the ring. Joe rumbles toward the ropes, coming back for a legdrop, but Greg moves out of the way! Greg gets to his knees and lunges at Joe’s crotch! Joe lets out a high pitched shout of pain.
Phillips: Oh my god. Is Greg biting Joe’s nuts?
Magnus: What the Hell? He is!
The ref yells at Greg to let go and Joe begins to lay into his head with lefts and rights before pulling him off of his crotch and hurling him across the ring. Joe stands up, wincing as he does so. Blood trickles from his legs on both sides from “there”. He grits his teeth and adjusts himself painfully while Greg Adkins gets up.
Joe lets out a growl and rushes across the ring. He grabs Greg up into a press slam position and hurls him out of the ring like he was chucking a spear! Greg sails over the floor seats and onto the first balcony!
Phillips: Home run?
Magnus: Wrong sport, but that’s about the size of it.
Greg gets to his feet on the balcony! He waves at Joe, who just grits his teeth with a growl. Greg looks down below at the floor seats before he jumps!
Adkins: Catch me, you fuckers!
The crowd parts like the Red Sea before Greg’s falling form and he belly flops the floor with a resounding SMACK!
Phillips: Oh shit. Is he dead? He dead ain’t he?
Magnus: Certainly seems like that. Should call Mongo.
Phillips: Why?
Magnus: We need more Phoenix champions…
Joe Ghaven steps out of the ring and steps over the security railing, the crowd scuffling away from him as he walks toward the downed Greg Adkins.
Phillips: If Greg wasn’t dead, he soon will be.
Magnus: Well…should we stop the match.
Phillips: You would do that?
Magnus: Well, no, but I wanted to see the look on your face. Stop the match. Hah!
Joe Ghaven picks Greg Adkins off of the floor and throws him over his shoulder, walking back to the ring. He drops Greg onto the mat and goes for the pinfall.
One
Two
Thre-Greg gets a shoulder up!
Phillips: How is he not dead?
Magnus: I have no idea. It ain’t for a lack of trying. I can tell you that.
Joe kneels up and calmly looks at the ref, who quakes in no small amount of fear and shows him two fingers. Joe flips Greg over like a pancake, palms the back of his head, and begins smashing his face into the mat. After the first four times, he begins leaving a bloody imprint of his face onto the mat. The crowd begins to count along with Joe and when Joe reaches twenty, he stops and drops Greg to the mat.
Greg rolls over and smiles, spitting a tooth into the air where it lands on his forehead.
Adkins: Mommy, I don’t want to go to school today. I just want to stay home and bake cookies with you!
Joe looks down at Greg and sighs. He looks at Ethan Mills.
Ghaven: I don’t want to do this anymore.
Mills: But Armand will cut my, I mean, our pay!
Joe seems to consider it and just shrugs his massive shoulders before stepping out of the ring.
Ghaven: I’m way bigger than him. Let him try to cut our wages.
Mills: Wait! Can’t we just talk about this?
Joe Ghaven leaves with Ethan Mills hot on his heels. The ref shrugs and counts him out, awarding the victory to Greg Adkins even as he calls for the EMTs to come quickly.
The EMTs arrive with a stretcher and Greg tries to pop up, but falls back down. The tooth remains fixed to his forehead.
Adkins: I stopped that train with my face. Did you see it?
Phillips: I’m seeing a lot of painkillers in Greg’s future.
Magnus: Let’s be honest. He was going to do painkillers even if he didn’t need them.
Phillips: Well, yeah.
Magnus: Well, I guess that Greg is still the champion. Well, the fake champion? I don’t know anymore.
Greg Adkins is taken out of the ring and down the aisle with his fake Phoenix championship draped over his bloody chest. He smiles and waves at the crowd. They just look on, horrified at the mangled mess that Greg is.
There’s a low buzz amongst the crowd before the lights go dark, and suddenly the PA system comes to life with a slight edit to a song some in the XHF Network are beginning to recognise.
“GET ON YOUR KNEES AND BOW DOWN!”
A pyro explodes as the crowd go wild, before slowly, but surely, Spike Kane the X*Crown Champion emerges through the smoke and onto the stage, to a fairly loud reaction. The Champion is dressed in a full black three piece suit, with the X*Crown Championship around his waist and a microphone in his hands. The God of Xtreme drinks in the reaction, before he slowly raises the microphone, the noise not quite dying down.
Spike: Well Merry fucking Christmas!
The place erupts as Spike simply raises the microphone and let’s the crowds cheers feed through it, before slowly bringing it back down.
Spike: I have some business I need to talk to good old JFK about, but I’m sure you’re all aware by now that means the God of Xtreme, The Spiked One, the X*Crown Champion is officially part of the GUNS roster. A little thing that Jesse, Dylan, and myself started on the season premier is kicking into next gear….
He pauses for a moment, to let the hype for Oh Violent Night kick in.
Spike: …and if I survive that? Well then I’ve got Misha Constantine in my final match in FIRESIDE. Then? Well, if I get through that? Then I’m bringing the crown jewel of the XHF to the federation that represents everything the X*Crown itself does….and you can bet your ass, that I’ll go down fighting if I have to. You bet your ass I’m going to bring that belt here, and defend it on the GUN Show…..and you bet your sweet ass I’ll do it all with a smirk on my face.
Which, of course, means he now smirks at the camera.
Spike: Love me, hate me, it doesn’t matter. I am Spike Kane. The God of Xtreme. The Blood God. The best there is at what I do….
The crowd actually chant “and what I do ain’t nice!” to finish the sentence. Spike smirks and drops the mic, then puts his hands around the plate of the X*Crown championship, before crotch chopping at the camera as “Bow Down” by I Prevail plays once more and Spike heads backstage.
[Static sounds vibrate the senses, as “Fire” by Beartooth begins playing. The XHF logo smashes down on the screen breaking through a table. The logo is followed by a tangle of barbed wire and Christmas lights, pulling apart and spilling out to spell "XTREME X*MAS - OH VIOLENT NIGHT!" The video cuts between all the members on the card, the BANG! Bros! Donzig! Crinkly Bottom Boys! Vodka Fizz! The shots fade out to "DECEMBER 28TH 2021" before a fire engulfs the screen and the music kicks in!]
[Vodka takes off his hat and glasses, revealing that the man on the apron is not, in fact, Vodka Fizz. At the same time, Donzig is grabbed from behind, spun around, and blasted in the head with a chair by someone who appears to be one of the security guards, who pulls back his hood to reveal that it is Vodka Fizz, wearing a wireless headset. He blasts Donzig again with the chair, then drops it in the center of the ring before hooking up Donzig and nailing a Mind Eraser on the mangled chair. Vodka grabs the chair and bails out of the ring before security can intervene, brandishing the bent equalizer as a means to fight off any would-be attackers.]
[Esmeralda tags herself in off the back of Dakota, and Jennings nails Mormo with a leaping double knee to the face! Her weight landing on Mormo’s chest as she reaches back for the leg and a pin. The referee argues she isn’t legal, and she is confused. Esmeralda steps in and tells Dakota to get out of her ring. A heavy arsenal of strikes and kicks keeps the rising Mormo to a knee as Krauss shows what she’s made of. A lethal assassin with her ground and pound game, using her legs like swords to slice the opposition down and bend them to her will. Mormo catches a left leg and rises up, thinking that he’s going to capture suplex - headbutte from Krauss! A second headbutte! Mormo’s nose is busted open!]
[From out of nowhere Mr Blobby pulls out a Sherbert Dib-Dab and inhales the full contents of it! As though shot with the adrenaline of the mythos of Gods like Zeus and Herculues, Mr Blobby goes full hulk and begins to inhale and exhale with noticeable animation. Steve Awesome turns to see this and in that second, Steve sees his life flash before his eyes. Mr Blobby slugs Awesome in the face with a haymaker, sending the Face of the Franchise into the apron. Mr Blobby follows it up by grabbing Steve by his family jewels and then his chest. A military press by Mr Blobby has Steve Awesome high in the air with a facial expression of pure pain from the grip Blobby had on his nether region. Edmonds signals him to toss Awesome into the dumpster. With force and distance, Mr Blobby shows he has eaten his wheaties, he’s taken the spinach of popeye and mixed it with the juice that gives men all those bulges; Mr Blobby not only throws Awesome but does it with such force that Awesome’s body hits the back of the dumpster on the inside, causing the dumpster to move away from the Crinkly Bottom Boys and into the guardrail.]
[El Combatiente kicks out. Lord Dominicus picks him up and hits a quick backbreaker as he quickly races to the ropes as he comes off and connects with a moonsault. He pulls El Combatiente to his feet as he tosses him to the floor. He races into the ropes as he goes flying over the top ropes and catches him with a flying body press. Lord Dominicus pulls him to his feet as he whips him right into the guard rail back first. Lord Dominicus steps back as he measures him as he races in and catches him with a leg lariat as he goes flying into the crowd from the impact.]
[Spike rolls out of that mess, the barbed wire tearing away at his skin. He pulls another table out, this one big enough to fit both his opponents on. He drags it out to the entranceway and then comes back to the barbed wire massacre, dragging first the smaller Dylan, then the bigger Jesse, and dumping them both onto the table. He binds their hands together with barbed wire and then climbs up to the top turnbuckle. Spike looks up as he notes the platform is low enough that he could grab the underside. And he does. He climbs along the underside like monkey bars, grabbing a few fun tools as he goes. He makes it to the edge and swings his legs over, pulling himself onto the top of the platform with all sorts of fun things; the spool of barbed wire, some lighter fluid, and a lighter.
Philips: What on earth is Spike planning?
Magnus: Whatever it is, it's otherworldly... no, it's interdimensional.
Spike starts with the lighter fluid, standing right over Dylan and JJ and pouring out bottle after bottle all over them and the table below. He then pours moreover himself, getting that shizz all over him. He then takes the barbed wire and spins right round, wrapping himself up like a mummy with it.
Magnus: Oh no. I know what this is. Have you heard of BLW?
Philips: No sir, I have not.
Magnus: Then you're in for quite the treat!
Spike manages to cut the end of the barbed wire and picks up the lighter, grinning sadistically. He flicks it on and immediately is engulfed in flames!
Philips: WHAT THE FUCK!?
Spike then turns around, and jumps off!
We get a slow-motion shot of Spike's drop off the cage, flipping off of the weapons platform.
And landing on the table with Dylan and Jesse.
...
And EVERYTHING GOES UP IN FLAMES!!!!!]
[The camera freeze frames on the three hardcore goliaths standing together in the ring, ready for one more round... before the screen shatters like glass and we cut to PRICE's massacre at the SWINGERS PARTY!]
[*CRACK*
A steel chair to the back of the head sends the two time champion crumbling to the ground.
Brent Sampson: Oh my god, it’s Price!
Magnus: You gotta say it in all caps, Brent. ITS PRICE! And it’s a violence FOURSOME NOW!!
Brent Sampson: He just took Dylan Black OUT with that steel chair.
Magnus: That’s just one of the many violent things this man can do!
Meanwhile Spike hits a kick to Jesse and he starts trying to hook Jesse up for the Spike Impaler on the apron. He lifts once but Jesse blocks. Spike knees him and then starts to lift the murder lizard off the his feet when suddenly PRICE swings the chair and nails both Spike and Jesse at the same time and both men go tumbling into the mass battle on the floor knocking a few people down. Price climbs the top rope with his chair, shrugs it off and just dives into the mass swinging the chair as he does so and starts taking the rest out.
Brent Sampson: DEAR GOD PRICE IS ON A MURDER SPREE WITH THAT CHAIR. Him being added to the main event of Oh Violent Night just made things that much more violent!]
[We transition to animated gifs of Vodka Fizz and Donzig, both glaring at one another and ready to tear each other to pieces.]
[They fade to Esmerelda von Krauss and "D," who stare each other down with Alyssa Lucchi staring fearfully between them both.]
[BANG! Bros and the Crinkly Bottom Boys stare each other down, Kanyon frothing at the mouth while Blobby snorts some sherbet. Noel and Awesome jaw off behind them!]
[Lord Dominicus and El Combatiente stare tensely at one another, while Javier looks nervously between them. This is where he has to choose!]
Lastly, Spike Kane appears to the right of PRICE, with ‘God of Extreme’ appearing with a static effect underneath him. Holding the X*Crown Championship high into the air. The video captures the eyes of all four men looking directly at the viewer, faces showing the resentment they have for one another, as the XHF logo drops down from the top, and the Xtreme X*Mas - Oh Violent Night banner comes across the screen showing the date of December 28th, 2021 one last time.]
We cut to the back where we find one half of the Bang! Bros stable and the Fireside Tag Team Champions El Combatiente and former President Curtis Kanyon. We follow them as they walk and ease drop on their conversation which is in Spanish.
El Combatiente: You are such a good friend bringing us here for Spike’s debut in his new company.
Kanyon: It’s what I do, and I really wanted to see Steve steal another arm.
El Combatiente: That will be interesting, but what is it with Steve and Robot arms.
Kanyon: You’d have to ask him for sure, but I think the robot parts just piss him off an take him to another level. They make him more violent. Have you ever had something make you feel more violent?
El Combatiente: Dominicus…
Kanyon: Sore subject I know, but what bothers you so much about him?
El Combatiente: He just affects Javier in a way that I don’t. I always thought Javier was my friend, but I’m paying him to be my friend essentially. Dominicus doesn’t pay Javier and Javier is just as much a friend to him as he is to me.
Kanyon: Good. Use those feelings to make you angry. Use them to make you violent. Take it to another level. Xtreme Xmas is called Oh Violent Night, live up to that.
El Combatiente nods and Kanyon holds out his arm to stop him.
Kanyon: Look, it’s Nelly’s dressing room. We should have him interview us. Let’s get one last promo in for our Xtreme Xmas matches. Show them that emotion you’re feeling right now.
“He’s not in there.”
Kanyon and El Combatiente look off camera and we pan to find a Latino stage hand rolling wiring.
Stage Hand: Sorry to but in, but he learned Randy threw a Christmas Party in his apartment without telling him so he had to, and I quote “work out these feelings.”
Kanyon: That’s so Randy.
El Combatiente: That’s fine, there’s something about that guy I just don’t like.
Kanyon: Nelly? Who doesn’t like Nelly???
El Combatiente shrugs.
Kanyon: Oh well, I think it’s time for Steve’s match anyway. We should get to our seats.
The two exit off camera and we cut back to the arena.
Tom Phillips: Well it’s time for your match against Steve Awesome, Magnus. You know, Steve is a call to arms winner, the End of Days winner and that is just this year. Steve has been on fire for most of twenty twenty one. Meanwhile you’ve barely wrestled a match in years and have pretty much sat at this commentary booth for the back end of your career. Are you nervous in any way going into this match.
Magnus: I gotta say Tom, I honestly wasn’t until you said all of that just now.
{All the lights in the arena die out and the fans in attendance start chanting
his name.}
Half the crowd: AWE-SOME!!!
The other half: SUCKS!!
Half the crowd: AWE-SOME!!!
The other half: SUCKS!!
Half the crowd: AWE-SOME!!!
The other half: SUCKS!!
{Dramatic Pause.}
"REGRETS I'VE HAD MINE!"
{The lights in the arena explode to life as they flash green and black to the beat as Steve Awesome comes running out with intensity to the hyped up chorus of "Full of Regrets" by Danko Jones.}
Lonely nights/ and a whole lot of wasted time!
If you see her wont you tell her for me/
It's better this way to avoid all the misery
{The chorus plays again as Steve walks down to the ring. The guitar starts soloing and Steve hops into the ring and he provocatively slips off his jacket and then spins and drops into a kneel and he flexes his arms. He gets a slow motion effect as pyro sprays behind him.}
Tom Phillips: Well there he is, Magnus. The Face of the Franchise. Are you having any second thoughts?
Magnus: A couple, Tom. But I can’t just let Steve talk trash like this and try to threaten me. I’m a former XHF World Champion, damn it! I’m not letting him take my arm. He can go to hell!
*The Lights dim as the first bars of the opening to CKY's "The Human Drive in Hi-Fi" blare across the arena. Soon, the song kicks in full, as do the lights in the arena, Flashing White and Green lighting all over the place. Magnus takes a deep breath, takes his headset off and slides into the ring. He makes his way to the apron where he skips and lands on his knee on the apron. He pulls himself up with the ropes and enters the ring between the top and middle ropes. He struts around the ring a bit before The music dies down and the ref calls for the bell to start the match. Magnus gets right into Steve’s face but all Steve was looking at was his left arm. You can hear them talking trash.
Magnus: Hey! My eyes are up here, asshole.
Steve Awesome: Shut up and just hand over that arm before you get hurt, “commentator”.
Steve reaches forward and pie faces Magnus who staggers back. Magnus turns red with anger and comes back with a flurry of strikes. Steve starts to stagger back but manages to counter with a knee to the gut. Steve quickly goes for an arm of Magnus, twists it and yanks it down to toward the ground, pulling Magnus face first into the mat. Steve quickly drops a knee into the back of Magnus shoulder and starts yanking back.
Tom Phillips: Steve Awesome goes right to work taking the metal arm of my broadcast partner here. He really wants to complete the set and have a right and a left arm. One from Magnus and one from Dylan Black!
Magnus yells out in pain and manages to stretch his leg out to the rope. The ref starts his count and Steve naturally breaks at four. Magnus gets up and rotates his shoulder to try and work through the pain. Steve takes a step back and arrogantly tells Magnus to bring it on.
Tom Phillips: There might be more ring rust then Magnus originally thought there would be. He looks a little unsure as the groupie slayer himself, Steve Awesome, tells him to bring it on. By the way, to the Steve groupies that inevitably get rejected, I’m just saying I’ll be in the same hotel, and I’m not picky.
Magnus consumed with anger steps forward and the two lock up in the middle. Steve gains the advantage and quickly starts trying to catch Magnus in a hammerlock. Magnus throws a few elbows that find their mark, Steve loses his grip, and Magnus runs to the ropes looking for some offense. But Steve catches him with an arm drag. Mags hits the mat, gets up and runs right into another arm drag.
Tom Phillips: Awesome is keeping his attack directed at loosening up either of those metal arms. Magnus lands on his feet after the third arm drag attempt, but Steve runs the other way. Awesome dodges a drop kick attempt and WOAH!!!! STEVE WITH A SPRINGBOARD CROSS BODY INTO THE BACK OF MAGNUS AND NOW HES LOOKING FOR EVERYBODY'S FAVORITE SUBMISSION HOLD!!
Steve has Magnus laying on his chest and he’s already got one arm trapped between his legs. But Magnus fights hard not to let Steve pull his other arm back into the rings of Saturn submission hold.
Tom Phillips: Magnus knows he’s in trouble. He can’t let Steve lock in this move or his arm is gone.
Magnus is able to break Steve’s grip but the Face of the Franchise is quick to grab for the arm again, forcing Magnus to fight it off again and again. Magnus finally manages to get a foot on the ropes and Steve is forced to break the rest of the hold. He does so, but not before slapping the Gun Show commentator slash former XHF world champion in the back of his head. You can hear Steve shouting at Magnus in the ring.
Steve Awesome: Your worthless “Mags”
Steve kicks him in the back.
Steve Awesome: Pretty soon you are going to be left armless. I want to have a full set of metal arms.
Tom Phillips: I knew it!!
Steve continues to stomp at a seated Magnus and slap at his head. But Magnus was facing away from Steve so he doesn’t see Magnus getting more and more angry. Steve grips Mag’s by the head and drags him up to his feet and gets planted and bounced right on the top of his head with the damndest snap ddt you ever saw.
Tom Phillips: MAGNUS WITH A HUGE DDT! COVER! MAGNUS COULD DO IT HERE!!
The ref drops down to count.
1!!!!
2!!!!!
Steve barely gets the shoulder up before three. Awesome is trying to shake the cobwebs out after the ddt but Magnus doesn’t give him much of a chance. Magnus drags Steve up to his feet and then chops the hell out of him. He chops him again and Steve comes alive a bit and swings a punch but Magnus counters into a back breaker into a neck breaker combo and then ties Steve up with the La magistral cradle. The ref slides In for another pin fall count and Steve struggles and digs deep to break out before the third count happens.
Tom Phillips: Steve just barely kicked out there. Maybe Magnus has some fight left in him after all. And the Face of the Franchise expending a lot of energy kicking out of all these pin attempts.
Magnus drags Steve back to his feet. Another piercing knife edge chop from the legend. Steve stiffens up and grits his teeth as the pain electrifies his whole body. Magnus lifts him up and back bown with a Manhattan drop and then executes a picture perfect drop toe hold and Steve hits the mat.
Tom Phillips: Magnus showing he still remembers a few moves. But Steve is smart and pulls in his arms so Magnus can’t hook him in another cradle!
So Magnus just rolls the other way. He grabs Steve’s leg and hooks him into a single leg Boston crab!!
Tom Phillips: Holy hell I almost choked on my Mountain Dew. Magnus just locked in the Magnum Reel in freakin twenty twenty one! Are you kidding me!? Steve has nowhere to go!!
Steve cries out in pain as Magnus sits all the way back, sending all the pain through his leg up into his pelvis and lower back. “Ahhh God!!” Steve shouted as he reached out toward the ropes hoping to break the hold. Magnus pulls back even harder and Steve thinks about tapping out.
Tom Phillips: No Steve! Don’t tap out to Magnus! I’ll never hear the end of it.
Steve’s arm hovers over the mat as Magnus continues to contort his body in a very painful way. Instead of tapping, Steve puts both hands on the ground and leaps forward and grabs the rope. The ref forces Magnus to let go. Magnus is backed up by the ref as a wobbly Steve Awesome slowly pulls himself to his feet. The crowd boos the ref and Magnus is done hearing him lecture. He steps aside the ref and pats his leg looking for a superkick.
Tom Phillips: Man. We’ve seen Magnum Reel, and we may as well see Sudden Impact.
Magnus measures Steve waiting for him to get up and turn around. As soon as he did, Magnus threw the kick, but Steve caught it and spun him around and his his own thigh slapper superkick. The sound echoes in the arena and Magnus tumbles down like a pile of rocks. Steve then rolls out of the ring.
Tom Phillips: What the hell is he doing?
Steve walks around and sits at the commentary booth where Magnus usually sits.
Steve Awesome (on commentary): My god what a thigh slapper that was Tom! Did you hear the echo on that one?
Tom Phillips: Yeah. I think everyone did Steve. But why aren’t you pinning him?
Steve Awesome (on commentary) I got plenty of time. By the time he actually wakes up he will think it’s time to commentate on the New Years Show. Look at him Tom…”Mags” has no idea where he is after that thigh slapper got him….
Magnus has a far away look in his eye as he starts trying to get up but can’t just yet.
Steve Awesome (on commentary): …That arm is mine for the taking.
Tom Phillips: Why do you want Magnus’s metal arm, Steve? Why do you want Dylan’s metal arm? Why do you want anyone's metal arm at all?
Steve Awesome (on commentary): The real question Tom, is why wouldn’t you want metal arms?
Tom Phillips: I never thought about it that way. My position has changed on the matter.
Steve Awesome (on commentary): Well gotta go take Magnus’s arm. This was fun, maybe one day I’ll come back and take ole Mag’s job from him too.
Tom Phillips: Wow. I’d like that.
Steve sets the headset down and starts walking back to the ring.
Tom Phillips: He said this was fun. If I play my cards right I can get the groupie run off position for sure and OH MY GOD! MAGNUS JUST DIVES FROM THE RING AND TAKES STEVE OUT!
Steve hits back first into the table and rolls to his side. It takes a few moments but Magnus gets up to his feet. Striking the whole time, Magnus drags Steve to his feet and gets him inside the ring. Magnus goes for the cover.
1….
Steve looks dazed.
2…..
Magnus puts his feet on the ropes!
3.. No Steve still managed to kick out. Both Magnus and Steve check if that was three with the ref at the same time. They look at each other and immediately lock up and throw fists and Steve suddenly hoists Magnus up for the SteveKO but Magnus slips out of it. Magnus goes for the superkick but Steve catches it like last time, spins Magnus around and Steve throws his own superkick. But Magnus catches that one and to the surprise of Steve he gets spun around and Magnus nails him with the SUDDEN INPACT!
Tom Phillips: SUPERKICK! Flush on the jaw of the face of the franchise.
Magnus thinks about the pin but instead he starts climbing the top rope. He starts measuring Steve’s distance as he signals for the diving head butt.
Tom Phillips: Magnus looking to finish Steve off with the diving head but the calls Oscarworthy. How great would that be for him to send Steve packing with a move like that!?
Magnus makes the leap and dives head first only to eat nothing but mat! Steve peels Magnus up off the mat and drops him with the SteveKO. Steve hooks the leg.
1…..2……3!
Winner: Steve Awesome!
Tom Phillips: And Steve Awesome gets the win after Magnus crashed and burned. He was one to use high risk sparingly and we see why. And now Steve foregoes his celebration and gets to work ripping that arm right off of Magnus!
Steve grabs the left arm of Magnus, places one foot on the back of his head and starts pulling like he’s trying to lift Thor’s hammer. The crowd is booing. The arm is starting to get loose as Steve tugs on it. Suddenly the crowd starts to cheer as DYLAN BLACK comes running through the crowd with a steel chair and shoves Steve off of Magnus!
Tom Phillips: Dylan Black is here! The two time XCrown champion has seen enough! Dylan with a chair in his hand, swinging it at Steve and keeping him at bay.
Steve tries to make a move but Dylan is there to stop him on any front by swinging the chair at him. Magnus starts to pull himself up to his feet as he holds his head. He staggers back into the ropes, bounces forward and hits the Magnum Cutter onto Dylan out of nowhere!
Tom Phillips: WHAT THE HELL! MAGNUM CUTTER ON DYLAN!
Magnus pops up, evil grin on his face as he shakes hands with Steve Awesome. The crowd boo as the figure out whats going on.
Tom Phillips: You have got to be kidding me!!
Steve and Magnus laugh together as Steve gets a mic and Magnus smashes Dylan with the chair.
Steve Awesome: First off….two of the worlds most finest actors have got to stick together, Isnt that right Mags.
Magnus takes a chair shot onto the back of Dylan. Then Magnus leans next to Steve and speaks into the mic Steve was holding.
Magnus: You know it. Plus….
Magnus swats Dylan again.
Magnus:....I never really liked Dylan Black.
Steve Awesome: Does anybody?
The crowd lays the boos on thick as Steve laughs at his own jokes.
Steve Awesome: The master plan had been laid out for weeks and Dylan fell right into our trap. Just like the young little idiot that he is. How could I ever hate Magnus, look how adorable he is!
Magnus gives the camera a cheesy grin before nailing Dylan again with the chair.
Steve Awesome: To think, I wanted to collect multiple arms. Look man, I'm not some type of weirdo. All I ever wanted was Dylan’s arm because he sucks and it's way too funny. And speaking of your arm Dylan….”
Steve kneels down next to Dylan as Magnus drives the edge of the chair into Dylans neck, holding the weakened and chair battered man down.
Steve Awesome: You said you wanted a match with me? I might have said no, but you know what Dylan….ive reconsidered. But I want to raise the stakes….literally.
Steve starts to pace back and forth.
Steve Awesome: Your arm on a pole? Thats not enough for me. Forget the pole. No, no. If you want your arm back Dylan, you are going to have to find a way to climb up to the top of a FORKLIFT with one measly arm.
Steve stops and shakes his head.
Steve Awesome: No. no. Lets take it even higher than that! Lets bring the pole back. I want the forklift raised up as high as it can go, and then on top of the forklift is an eight foot pole and on top of that pole will be your precious arm. The man who can climb all the way to the top and retrieve the arm, gets to use it in the match. Thats right, if you want your arm back Dylan, you’ll have to beat me at Supremacy in a DYLANS ARM ON A POLE,ON A FORKLIFT, MATCH!
Tom Phillips: What the hell!? How high can forklifts go? Can Dylan even climb that high with one arm? How is he supposed to have a chance in hell in winning that? I still cant believe Magnus and Steve were working together this whole time.
Steve Awesome: Pick him up.
Magnus nods and pulls Dylan up to his feet and Steve lifts Dylan up and drops him with a SteveKO. Steve and Magnus high five and Steve leaves up the ramp and Magnus goes back to commentary.
Magnus: Ha ha, I still got the acting chops, Tom.
Tom Phillips: Do you think Dylan will accept the new challenge?
Magnus: If hes smart he wont.
Medics rush out to check on Dylan as Steve walks up the ramp, satisfied with himself. While the medics work we cut to Charlie Velez live. He is taking out his overflowing garbage can of wrapping paper. He looks at the camera with his head cocked slightly.
Velez: I’m not on this episode. Why are you here?
Velez stares at the camera expecting some sort of response, but he doesn’t get one.
Velez: Freaking Magnus must’ve been one segment short.
Velez puts his garbage can on the curb and walks back into his house.
Phillips: Wow, while Charlie Velez cut that amazing segment quite a collection of characters assembled in the ring.
Magnus: We spared no expense!
Phillips: ...But the Atlanta Falcons offensive line-up?
Magnus: Well, some expense...
Announcer: The following contest is scheduled for one fall – and is a SECRET SANTA match for the XHF Fauenix Championship! Each of these participants has been given the name of their opponent randomly drawn from a hat. The winner is the first competitor to defeat the wrestler whose name they selected.
Phillips: So they each know who they have to defeat, but not who is trying to defeat them?
Magnus: Yes, there is a real element of strategy. Do you leave ATV Bandit alone with Baby New Years 1975 to go after Mayfield, or do you make sure the coast is clear first? It seemed fairer than making this a handicap match with Wo-Fury defending against the Falcons.
Phillips: Why would you want him to face those odds?
Magnus: Fury is one of the greatest athletes in the XHF at the moment, even looking a little like Wombat, I don’t see Fury dropping that belt to just anyone. ...And it stresses me out. What if Bonnie were to discov-
DING! DING! DING!
Magnus: And they’re off!
Phillips: Pier Six brawl! But Hennessy with a schoolboy on Andrews – 1 – 2 – 3!
Magnus: Wait, what?
DING! DING! DING!
Announcer: The winner of this match – and NEW Fauenix champion, Matt Hennessy!
Magnus: Wait, really?
Phillips: That was surprisingly fast.
Magnus: Don’t get me wrong, it’s a relief to end this charade, and it nice to have Wombat back – but I bought one of those bingo ball machines to distribute the names. A lot of time went into organizing this gimmick.
The referee inspects a piece of paper that Hennessy presents him, and then explains the rules again before saying something to the announcer.
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Matt Hennessy was NOT Josh Andrews Secret Santa. A reminder to the participants you can only pin the person whose name you drew. That is being considered a false start, Faux-ury is STILL your faux champ, and we will restart now-
DING! DING! DING!
Magnus: This is not that complicated!
Phillips: Apparently it’s going through some growing pains.
Magnus: I knew we should have risked a Florida Man guest spot by hiring the Miami Dolphins instead.
East L.A. Wombat: I’m done with you culturally misappropriating my flow, ese!
Phillips: East L.A. Wombat calling out Womba-Redmond Fury for a previous gimmick infringement!
Magnus: Now Wombat using the ATV Bandit’s ATV to get airborne with a tope con hilo at the champion!
Phillips: Only the Atlanta Falcons reason that wFury is East L.A.’s secret Santa and throw up a wall between them! This isn’t the defensive end, but they are big enough to keep the two apart.
Magnus: This is more like it-
Phillips: While the majority of the field is tied up with East L.A., woooFury puts Kaleb McGary in a wristlock – there’s the tap!
DING! DING! DING!
Magnus: Another false start, right?
Phillips: This time the referee checking, and Wombat produces a piece of paper from inside his Fury bodysuit. ..um... I mean Fury with a piece of paper. There’s the confirmation.
Announcer: The WINNER OF THIS MATCH-
Magnus: ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?
Announcer: And STILL XHF Fauenix Champion – LOS AUTHENTICO ER-
REDMOND FAUUUUUUUUUUX-URY!
Magnus: I spent DAYS organizing this.
Phillips: All your hard work really showed in that second minute.
Magnus: Now I’m going to have to keep this up into 2022. I’m not sure my ulcer can take constantly worrying that the XHF brass will spot Womb-
Phillips: Bonnie was here last month, I’m sure it’ll be some time before she darkens our door ag- no wait, there she is.
Magnus: KILL ME WITH A RUSTY DRILL TO THE PUPIL!
Spotting Bonnie walking past an arena door, Magnus abandons the broadcast booth.
Phillips: But we have another match.
Magnus: I TRUST YOU TODD!
Magnus shoves Wombat down, so that the duo have the disappointed Falcons acting as a shield from Mongo’s eagle eyed assistant. Shoving the muscle suited Wombat behind one football player, pausing, then repeating looks like a Squid Game in practice. Magnus stops to look back where Todd Phillips is chatting up some Hello Kitty fans.
Magnus: I DON’T TRUST YOU WITH MINORS, TODD!
Phillips looks dejected and returns to the announcer’s booth. Bonnie is also looking up, prompted by Magnus’ shouting. Almost making eye contact, Magnus panics and tosses Wombat into the audience.
Announcer: WITH WINS LIKE THAT YOU’D ALMOST THINK HE WAS THE REAL THING!
Bonnie Jenkins: Real thing?
Something the announcer says garners Bonnie’s attention, and she walks in from an outside hall through a security entrance into the main arena. Bonnie stares down at the ring, where referee Sid Malloy is trying to explain to the Falcons that the match is over. It is at this moment she almost walks into Magnus and Wombat. Fortunately, Magnus has the presence of mind to shove Wombat into a concession stand, where his plastic muscle frame is promptly covered by popcorn, street meat, and scalding hot chocolate.
Magnus: Bonnie! Angina has never looked so enticing! My heart skips a beat as you grace us with your beauty, my dear.
Bonnie Jenkins: Did he just say real thing?
Magnus: Probably real deal – to assure the rubes that Fury is the next big thing in the XHF. Why even bother with Battle for Hegemony? Just give Fury the Crown!
Bonnie Jenkins: Is Fury your official entrant?
Magnus: uh. Um. Prob- we were-
Wombat inside Popcorn machine: *Achew*
Bonnie Jenkins: Did your concession stand just sneeze?
Magnus: Bonnie, so many questions, I’m sure you’re not here as a health inspector-
Bonnie Jenkins: I am now.
Magnus: If I thought it would mean seeing more of you, I’d put live rats in the arena’s Taco Bell myself. As it stands, I’m sure you’ll find the amount of roach eggs in our hotdogs to be well below those outlined in code standards. So other than brightening up my life, why are you here? I don’t suppose I can take you out to that new sushi join-
Bonnie Jenkins: The reason for my visit is your continued inappropriate workplace behaviour.
Magnus: No, Todd is the registered sex offender-
Bonnie Jenkins: Based on your continued comments, you will be visited by the XHF Human Resources Department this evening for training on proper workplace language and conduct.
Magnus knees turn to rubber, as he almost faints from the fear.
Magnus: I-is that necessary? Look, I didn’t-
Bonnie Jenkins: Make sure you contact them for the training before you leaving this evening.
Announcer: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THE FOLLOWING CONTEST IS A GRUDGE MATCH WITH A THIRTY-MINUTE TIME LIMIT-
Saved by the bell, as the next match is starting, Magnus tries to sneak away.
Magnus: I can’t leave Todd alone on commentary-
Bonnie Jenkins: I’m going to find them and send them to your office.
Magnus: Looking forwa-
As Bonnie leaves, Wombat The Fury Tribute emerges from the popcorn machine coughing up Reese’s pieces. Magnus dives on top of him, shoving his head back down into the machine. With one arm getting buttered, Magnus waves off Bonnie with the other.
Magnus: CALL ME!
Dirty look. She’s gone. Wait a few beats. Let Wombat back up.
Wombat: *GASP*
Magnus: Hide that Fury outfit, and stay out of sight for the rest of the evening.
Announcer: Entering first-
Rather than join Phillips on commentary, Magnus charges off to the backstage area for damage control.
MEANWHILE INSIDE A BEAR:
The REAL Buckeye Bruiser is sifting through some garbage. How many stomachs does this beast have? Or are they going in circles? His partner on this strange odyssey, a man dressed in a dirty looking bird costume, emerges from a pile of trash with a copy of TV Guide from 1993.
Dirty Byrd: Is there anything this bear won’t eat.
Redmond Fury: ...And provided us with an embarrassment of supplies to ensure our survival. I initially resented the bear’s voracious appetite, but this would be impossible without it. Anything we could want. Who needs Boxing Day sales with all the hottest season toys she eats.
Dirty Byrd: I still say you should punch your way out of her, like in Alien.
Redmond Fury: For the last time Byrd, I’m not going to harm an animal that is just following its instincts. We will find a cruelty free way to escape, be patient my friend.
Dirty Byrd: Be patient! Easy for you to say- give it another decade!
Redmond Fury: Why I’m sure even as we speak, Magnus is mounting a rescue team for me-
OUTSIDE THE BEAR.
The GUNS owner runs down a hallway towards some interns.
Magnus: SHRED ANYTHING TO DO WITH FURY’S DEATH! HR is here! Erase the master tapes. I don’t want anything tying us to that accident, or that accident to reality. AS FAR AS WE’RE CONCERNED END OF DAYS NEVER HAPPENED!
On a monitor in the background, Colossus Rhodes is cutting a promo before his match begins.
Colossus Rhodes: You people are just an extension of the worms that currently burrow through Fury’s corpse.
Magnus does a spit take of his pepto bismol. Then screams at the closest production assistants-
Magnus: MUTE THESE MONITORS!
INSIDE THE BEAR.
A massive silver Star Wars Storm Trooper approaches Redmond Fury.
XHF Shockmaster: DID I HEAR YOU? DO YOU WANT TO GET OUT OF HERE? THEN COME ON. COME AFTER ME. I KNOW THE WAY-
Redmond Fury: Really? That’s fantastic.
Dirty Byrd: What a sweet man. Thank you so much.
XHF Shockmaster: IT’S JUST OVER HERE-
The XHF Shockmaster leans against a pink slime covered wall, only for it to tear under his massive frame. The big man falls forwards, getting sucked up into a blood vein, riding a T-cell super highway to god knows where. Losing his helmet along with a scream, suggests he went the wrong way.
Dirty Byrd: FUCK.
Redmond Fury: We should try to rescue him...
Dirty Byrd: FUCK!
OUTSIDE THE BEAR.
TV Monitor: “Ohio Native is going wild with those punches, he’s sticking it to Rhodes like I’m going to stick it to Janet over here shortly after I confirm her out of state ID!”
Spitting mad, Magnus yanks the cable out of another monitor. How is he the one being investigated for inappropriate Network behaviour? If he survives the XHF Human Resource Department tonight, then Magnus might volunteer Pervy Todd for a Holiday Horror spot.
Magnus: Does no one understa- ah!
Magnus freezes in his tracks as he notices some suits at the far end of the corridor near a craft service table. That has to be them. He should probably run the other way, but there are monitors lining the hallways, so he presses on.
Todd Phillips (on TV Monitor): Rhodes on the ropes, NO, blinds Native with a fist full of white powder. Looks like a party favour to me! Ohio can’t see a thing, and Rhodes now taking over. How do you feel about sensory deprivation, Janet?
Greg Adkins: Magnus.
The XHF HR look up just as Magnus dives into a broom closet. They turn back to a coffee machine, while Adkins opens the closet door to confront the GUNS owner.
Magnus: Are they still there?
Greg Adkins: Yes.
Magnus (trying to close closet door): I’ll catch you later-
Greg Adkins (keeping it open): That End of Days match was a photo finish. From the right camera angle, I AM the Phoenix champion. Why are you going with that joke Wombat, instead of acknowledging my reign?
Magnus (pointing at monitor): You can have a shot at the Fauenix if you want…
Phillips (TV Monitor): RHODES WITH A POWERBOMB INTO THE RING POST! HANGS ON! ANOTHER ONE! HE IS JUST DRIVING OHIO NATIVE’S SPINE INTO THAT POST! A FIFTH ONE! AND NATIVE’S BACK LOOKS BROKEN!
Magnus (pointing at monitor): But whoever has that belt is going to have to DEAL WITH HIM.
Greg Adkins: N... nah. I see myself as one of those Phoenix champions that only defend once a year at Night of Champions, the way it SHOULD have been before Fury took the strap to this flea market.
Magnus: Then we'll keep recognizing the Fauenix until we get our hands on the real one, and you're out of luck.
Greg: I'm sorry you feel that way.
Greg Adkins starts walking towards the XHF Human Resources team.
Magnus: Wait we can talk this out...
Adkins smiles at the Sensitivity Training Team.
Greg Adkins: I'm Magnus.
Magnus drops to his knees, and screams up at the heavens.
Magnus: NOOOOOOOOOO!
The Sensitivity Training Team stare at the distraught Magnus, before Adkins ushers them away.
Greg Adkins: Don’t mind him, just his time of the month.
IS THIS THE END OF GUNS? If Scorps fails to put anything out after the break, I’m saying this is what caused it. Magnus has an internal struggle between the four hours of sensitivity training he’ll have to endure, and the chance of Adkins making everything a whole lot worse.
INSIDE THE BEAR.
Redmond Fury charges down a large riveted platform, which suggests bones, overlooking a blood stream that the XHF Shockmaster is floating down. Dirty Byrd slowly runs behind him.
Redmond Fury: There sure are a lot of XHF wrestlers inside this bear.
Dirty Byrd (panting): Oh, the XHF used to have a lot of wrestlers with similar gimmicks to the WWE. Copyright infringement, lawsuits waiting to happen, generally the kind of embarrassments one associates with no budget Indy sleaze. So when the XHF tried to... huff... tried to clean up their image... huff... those wrestlers like Rhyno, some managed to repackage into successful original properties. Those that had a harder time with change? Well Mongo threw all of us into the phantom zone.
Redmond Fury: He fed you to a bear? That’s awful. He seems like such a nice guy.
Dirty Byrd (panting): You say it’s a bear? To me this will always be that prism floating in space from Superman.
Redmond Fury: Maybe the bear ate your magical prison? It certainly explains the dimensions...
Getting closer to the stream, Fury reaches down to snatch up the XHF Shockmaster only for him to slip out.
BACK IN THE ARENA.
Announcer: The winner of this match, COLOSSUS RHODES!!!
Phillips: Paramedics racing to Ohio Native’s aid – he may never walk again!
“GET THE HELL AWAY FROM HIM!”
The crowd cheer as Wombat stomps out of the concession area, brushing hot dogs off his plastic build while trying to stand up for Ohio like his friend Fury would.
L.A. WOMBAT: RHODES, I AM SICK TO DEATH OF-
“ROAR”
Wombat stops dead in his tracks as UrsusLA bounds out of the back, with a hungry look in her eyes.
Phillips: RUN WOMBAT! SHE’S GOT A TASTE FOR FURY NOW!
The bravery he displayed in the face of Colossus quickly melts away, as Wombat exits stage left pursued by bear.
INSIDE THE BEAR.
The bounds with which UrsusLA chases Wombat are reflected internally, with muscles contracting and the force of the leaps causing any microscopic creatures inside to be launched like moonwalkers. XHF Shockmaster is thrown out of the blood stream sadly at the same rate as Fury and Byrd are flung towards the vein’s ceiling.
After repeating this frustrating symmetry twice more, Fury finally jumps before the muscle below him can act as a trampoline – breaking the pattern to get a strong grip on the Shockmaster’s arm – yanking him out of the stream.
XHF Shockmaster: THANK YOU SO-
The XHF Shockmaster accidentally falls on top of Redmond Fury-
Dirty Byrd: *pant* a match?
The Dirty Byrd slumps to the ground in exhaustion – but flaps a wing against the muscle floor.
ONE!
TWO!
Redmond Fury shoves XHF Shockmaster off him, and quickly covers.
ONE!
TWO!
THREE!
Dirty Byrd: YOUR WINNER- REDMOND FU-
All three men are launched up in the air with another lunge at Wombat.
OUTSIDE THE BEAR.
Wombat pulls a fire escape door closed behind him, and then continues running down a hallway – bumping into Nelly. The force knocks Wombat to the floor.
Nelly Angel: Where’s the fire?
L.A. WOMBAT: Sorry Nelly, I-
Magnus stalks up behind Nelly, yanking his legs out from under him, and causing Angel to fall forwards on top of Wombat. Magnus hangs onto Nelly’s legs forcing the position, while tripping referee Rory Gaines so that he headbutts Wombat on his way down.
Nelly Angel: Let go.
Magnus: No!
Magnus kicks Rory Gaines in the ribs. Each shot creates a spasm that sees the referee’s arm go up, before falling to the ground.
ONE!
TWO!
THREE!
Magnus: YOUR WINNER AND NEW FAUNIX CHAMPION, NELLY!
Magnus finally lets go of the legs, allowing Nelly to stand back up. Wombat is quick to shake his hand.
L.A. Wombat: If I had to lose it to anyone, I’m glad it was you.
URSUSLA: *GRRRRRRRRRRROWL*
The bear appears again, chasing Wombat faster than he can take off his Fury outfit. As the two retreat from view, Nelly looks at the fake Phoenix title sceptically while Bonnie Jenkins slowly approaches.
Bonnie Jenkins: What’s going on here?
Magnus: Oh we’re trying a new 24-hour falls count anywhere rule with the Phoenix title. Nelly here just defeated Redmond Fury for it, so if you hear anything about Fury being eaten by a bear in the next hour-
URSUSLA OFF CAMERA: *GROOOOOOOOOOOOOWL*
Magnus: Then Fury is dead, but Nelly is the champion so GUNS will retain control.
Bonnie Jenkins: That is very upsetting about Fury. Your reaction seems kind of ghoulish. Congratulations Nelly. Magnus, shouldn’t you be with Human Resources.
Magnus starts to cry.
INSIDE THE BEAR.
The three men enter a new cavern.
XHF Shockmaster: I’M NOT QUITE SURE HOW TO GET OUT FROM HERE. THAT RIVER WAS DISORIENTATING.
Redmond Fury: Don’t worry about it, Shockmaster. I’ll find a way out of here, and make sure all you “REAL” characters are released as well.
“So it all comes down to this.”
An ominous voice echoes throughout the cavern.
Redmond Fury: Identify yourself.
Out of the shadows steps everyone’s favourite survivalist, Aiden Merric.
Redmond Fury: Why it’s my Call 2 Arms compatriot, Aiden Merric! Are you a sight for sore eyes! How did get in here my friend?
Aiden Merric: Thanks to Steve Irwin, all us Ozzies know how to get in and out of critters.
Redmond Fury: So you can show us the way out?
Aiden Merric: There will be time for that after-
Redmond Fury: After what?
Aiden Merric: You’ve been the XHF Phoenix champion for 139 days, 23 hours, 40 minutes. In another twenty minutes, you break my record.
Redmond Fury: But you’re the greatest XHF Phoenix champion of all time my friend. Comparing your defences in the AWF to mine in GUNS is like apples and oranges, there is no need to feel like your record is being threatened-
Aiden Merric: But threatened it is. So I’m challenging you.
Merric holds up a watch.
Aiden Merric: A title defence. Twenty minutes for me to beat you. After that time is up, well, my interest in that stepping stone finishes and I go back to the X*Crown division.
Redmond Fury: I certainly wouldn’t turn down a request by a champion of your calibre, Aiden.
Looking cold, Merric tosses the watch to the dirty bird.
The two men charge into each other, Fury’s attempts to keep things scientific are soon soured by a Merric eye gouge.
Dirty Byrd: Hang on I have entrance music.
Fury catches Merric with a bicep buster, only to have The Big Game Hunter bite into the muscle. Dirty Byrd pulls out an 8-track player. Fury tries to shake Merric off, but the former champion just digs in harder drawing blood. Straightening his arm, Fury repeatedly runs his arm into the wall – ramming Merric’s head into it, and trying to get him to loosen his bite. While this is going on, Aiden digs his fingers into Fury’s ten pack, gouging in with a stomach claw. Fury swipes down with his free arm, breaking the claw. Merric finally stops biting the arm, head-butting Fury repeatedly, before ramming the champion’s bloody right arm into a wall of pink sludge.
Men at Work’s Down Under stands to play on Byrd’s 8-track.
The comedic nature of the song’s appearance makes Merric furious, bringing out a series of vicious kicks that mostly target the injured arm. When Fury successfully covers up, Merric goes to town with a pair of brass knuckles.
Redmond Fury: What the hell is that?
Dirty Byrd: Introducting the challenger-
Redmond Fury (in between knuckle shots): You’re making that my friend’s music? You’re just insulting our guest. Please... stop...
Dirty Byrd: Moving on- and the champion...
Turning on the next track, Redmond Fury spits up blood from a brass knuckle shot, then groans as Devo’s Gut Feeling plays.
Redmond Fury: No.
Dirty Byrd: You don’t like devo?
Redmond Fury: In our current situation, that song is a little on the nose.
A well-placed Stun Gun jab breaks Fury’s nose. Merric winds up for a roundhouse right; only for Fury to duck and toss him away with a one armed belly-to-back suplex.
Redmond Fury (can barely breath from all the blood streaming out of his nose): What else do you have?
Fury tries to keep the situation light hearted to downplay the hell of it, but this distraction proves the opening Merric needs to spear him. The larger Fury tries to hold his ground, but there is enough force for Merric to shove him back, where he trips on a bone. Both men topple over, where Merric full mounts before peppering away with his foreign object. A large shot leads to a pin.
ONE!
TWO!
Fury’s right arm looks ready for amputation, but he still gets the tree trunk up in time to avoid the three.
Dirty Byrd: Those are the only two that work.
Merric digs a thumb into the hole he bit in the right arm, torturing Fury for daring to get a shoulder up. Fury winces stifling a scream, before fighting through he blinding pain to knock Merric off with a forearm smash. Merric tries to keep him down with a kneelift, but Fury catches the leg with his good arm, and pulls the former champion into a Pec Pop.
Redmond Fury: Then give me the Down Under track.
Dirty Byrd: I can’t, that’s Merric’s now.
Fury nails a series of Pec Pops, until Merric catches him with a Bag and Tag to the broken nose. Fury tries to nail a Buckeye Bomber, but Merric ducks it – then unloads a series of knife-edge chops to the throat. Realizing the muscle mass makes them less effective than usual, Merric switches targets to the blood arm, knife edging away. Just when it looks like Fury can’t use the arm any more, the big man drags it up for a bionic elbow! The force causes both men to double over in pain.
Dirty Byrd: You guys don’t look too hot-
Merric tries to bust out a Contract Fulfilled, but Fury ducks under, and catches him with a bicep smash. His muscle looks like it explodes on impact, and Fury’s eyes roll into the back of his head before dropping to the floor. Merric slumps on top.
ONE!
TWO!
THREE-
Fury rolls out of the pin, pulling Merric over into a modified Orphanizer. Only for both men to sudden get thrown fifteen feet up in the air. Something is going on outside.
OUTSIDE A BEAR.
Wombat runs down another corridor like his life depended on it, right into freshly crowned Fauenix champion Nelly. This time the momentum is on his side, so he stays upright, even if Nelly no sells the bump.
LA. WOMBAT: I’m so sorry, I-
UrsusLA dives into Wombat, knocking him into Nelly Angel and both men to the floor. Nelly is underneath both, but has an arm free to pull Wombat’s head to one side to keep the Fury tribute from being decapitated.
Remembering Magnus earlier Fauenix as perpetual falls count anywhere title, referee Rory Gaines jumps into action. Slapping his hand on the ground.
ONE!
TWO!
THREE!
Nelly realizes that he’s being pinned to the ground by UrsusLA, but with Wombat between them-
Rory Gaines: Your winner and TWO-TIME FAUNIX CHAMPION, WOMB-FUAXURY!
Rolling his eyes, Nelly reaches out and grabs a table leg, trying to shift out of this dangerous situation. It is a craft service table, that promptly collapses – covering the trio in Turkey, gravy, mashed potatoes, and all sorts of sandwich meats. UrsusLA can barely tell where Wombat’s head ends and the Turkey begins, but as it feasts on a bird carcass – the Fauenix division crawls away.
L.A. WOMBAT: I’m so sorry Nelly; I didn’t mean to steal your title.
Nelly Angel: I honestly don’t care.
Magnus: WAIT!
Before Wombat can heed Magnus’ order, UrsusLA is back on the attack. Wombat exits stage right, pursued by bear.
L.A. WOMBAT: OH NO! I’M COVERED IN GRAVY AND TWICE AS DELICIOUS!
Magnus: What are you doing?
Magnus slaps Rory Gaines across the back of the head, just as Bonnie Jenkins re-joins the action.
Rory Gaines: W- Fury won back the title.
Magnus (to Nelly): WELL GO WIN IT BACK!
Nelly Angel: I’m kind of indifferent.
Bonnie Jenkins: Problems?
Magnus: Um, it seems that Fury has won back his title. So if you hear that he has been murdered and eaten by a bear – those are just wild rumours, because he is very much alive and a fighting cham...
Production Assistant (screaming from backstage): OH MY GOD! REDMOND FURY JUST GOT EATEN BY A BEAR!
Poor Wombat.
Bonnie Jenkins looks shocked, Magnus needing a distraction and ever one to think on his feet- once again takes a knee.
Magnus: Bonnie, will you marry me?
At that moment the Sensitivity Training Squad walk up behind him.
INSIDE A BEAR.
The two longest reigning champions in the history of the Phoenix division continue to bleed out while chain wrestling across a rib cage. Apparently this is the section of the animal where the soul is kept, only it’s nowhere to be seen, as we’ve been joined by the XHF versions of the Souled Out commentary team.
Bischoff: Ted, it's been awhile - I barely recognized you.
Dibiase: Someone on the Network already claimed my likeness.
Bischoff: I'm sure that's happened to me too.
Fury uses some of the bear’s fatty tissue to launch himself into a Buckeye Shot, but Merric slides under it. Merric throws some slime in Fury’s eyes, and then attempts a Rainmaker – only to soar right over his target, as UrsusLA’s exterior movements are playing havoc with the interior’s gravity.
Bishoff: After this we have the Inside Beauty bikini contest, in which judge the inner beauty of the bear.
Dibiase: Models have come from all over this bear to compete for the title of- wait, the big guy with a cobra clutch suplex!
ONE!
TWO!
Dibiase: Frustrated the bigger guy now lifting the one with personality up for – well he’s calling for something.
Bishoff: Merric with a European uppercut, and pulling that nasty looking right arm into a cross armbreaker- this could be it.
Dibiase: The big guy looks ready to pass out, but enough physical strength to roll the sketchy one onto his shoulders-
ONE!
TWO!
Bishoff: Merric rolls away with the armbar still on, and no ropes inside this bear to force a break.
Dibiase: Maybe a broken arm, but that’s the only break we’ll see- again the large guy rolls him onto his shoulders-
ONE!
TWO!
Bishoff: Merric rolls off, these two are so evenly matched, it’s no wonder that-
*BEEP*
The watch goes off.
A frustrated Merric pulls back on the armbar, trying to make Fury pay for this indignity. Tendons may shred. After a few moments, a livid Merric finally lets go. Fury attempts to continue, but the makeshift referee gets between them.
Dirty Byrd: That’s time. And the new record.
Aiden Merric curses.
Bishoff: It appears we have a time limit draw. These two were so evenly matched!
Dibiase: Just a little more time! Well, this isn’t the last we will see of these two-
Bishoff: Well Merric is walking off, so it actually might.
Redmond Fury: Aiden, can you get us out of here?
Aiden Merric: It only works for Ozzies.
Merric heads off into the darkness of another cavern.
Redmond Fury: I understand my friend, but please let them know we’re all right?
Aiden Merric: Champion to champion? You got it mate.
With that obvious lie, The Wonder from Down Under disappears from view. No one will ever hear of this epic.
Dirty Byrd: This reminds me of the time that the Harlem Globetrotters visited Gilligan’s Island.
Redmond Fury: What happened?
Dirty Byrd: Well, Gilligan, the Skipper, and Millionaire managed to beat the Globetrotter in a basketball game. Eventually a search and rescue effort discovered the sports team, only the trotters didn’t want to admit their defeat, so they left Gilligan and company to die.
Redmond Fury: How depressing. Well we don’t have to worry about that here, I didn’t win. Besides, Aiden Merric has way more integrity than the Harlem Globetrotters. We can count on him.
Dirty Byrd sighs at his colleague’s naivety. The two men start walking off into the sunset, by which I mean another pink slimy cavern.
Dirty Byrd: You sure you don’t want to punch through a few organs? It’s important to get out of here while you still have the strength to rip through this. People have a tendency to change down here.
Redmond Fury: I’m not going to lose who I am.
Dirty Byrd: ...I used to be XHF John Cena.
A silence falls over the two men.
Redmond Fury: Um. I can see it.
Jesus. They need to get out of here. Trying to fight through a sense of dread, the XHF Phoenix Champion and the Dirty Byrd continue their misadventures into a new year.
Static
Phillips: That was crazy in the Rob Arnold Trial, wait, I’m getting word that we lost the feed after the Phoenix title mayhem and no one at home saw it. That sucks.
Magnus: Indeed it does, but it’s now time for the match we’ve all been waiting for. The match this special show is built around. The match I announced at the last show. The big one.
Phillips: The Boxing Match on Boxing Day for the Bear Necessities Championship!
Magnus: Way to steal my thunder Tom.
We cut to the ring which is lit up by lights a bit brighter than normal. Already in the ring is our Champion Goldbear II. In there with him is a terrified, but professional Bradley Buffer the lesser known of the Buffer announcing family. Without taking his eye off of the massive bear Buffer raises his mic.
Buffer: It is now time for your MAIN EVENT. Already in the ring. He is wearing gold trunks. He is the reigning, defending, Bear Necessities Champion of the WOOOOOOOORLD GOOOOOOOOOOOOLDBEAR TWOOOOOOOOO.
The crowd massively pops causing Buffer to flinch in fear that he may end up on and episode of the rehash When Animals Attack, but Goldbear II keeps his composure and half-heartedly raises a boxing glove covered paw.
Buffer: His opponent for the evening resides from the great beyond. He has won championships all over the world. He is the one, the only, GOOOOOOOOOOOLDBEAR.
Goldberg’s theme music hits and smoke fills the stage area. An angry and agitated Goldbear walks through the smoke in black trunks and black gloves. He snarls before he continues walking down the ramp and into the ring.
Buffer: This match will be five rounds and residing over this bout will be the honorable Judge Mills Lane.
As Buffer exits the ring a monitor lights up on each ring post and the face of Mills Lane appears on each one because even we wouldn’t put a man of his age in the ring with a live bear and a man who thinks he’s a bear.
Lane: Alright. You two have been told the rules in the back. Now touch gloves and let’s get it on!
Round 1 - DING DING
Goldbear refuses to touch gloves and dances around as Goldbear II tries to scratch his balls, but the gloves are covering his claws. Goldbear moves on closer and quickly jumps back to avoid a wild swing by his counter part. Goldbear quickly moves back in and delivers four quick jabs to the midsection and then moves out before Goldbear II swings wildly again. Goldbear II let’s out an agitated roar and steps forward and swings wildly again but Goldbear ducks and jabs again and again wearing out the midsection of his opponent, but then he takes a wild shot from Goldbear II that rocks him. Goldbear staggers back and bounces off the ropes, but quickly regains his composure. Mills yells for them to stop and he asks Goldbear if he’s okay. Goldbear nods and that he’s okay and Mills waves the match back on. Goldbear dances as his Bear opponent moves in. Goldbear II swings again, but Goldbear ducks and lands a shot right to the chin of Goldbear II. Goldbear II quickly shakes it off and swings again but Goldbear ducks again and lands another shot to the other side of Goldbear II. Again he shakes it off and retaliates with a blow right to the face of Goldbear staggering him again, but he stays on his feet and survives as the bell rings ending the round.
Magnus: The champ landed the heaviest blows, but Goldbear has got to be winning with the judges.
Phillips: That’s right Magnus, but if he takes another big shot from the champ he’s going down.
Magnus: He keeps moving like he is he might survive.
Round 2 - DING DING DING
The bell rings and the two bears move out of their corners. The giant brown bear moves out slowly snarling and Goldbear II comes out with speed and moves right in and jabs his opponent in the chest and jolts back before Goldbear II can respond. Goldbear quickly backs out and quickly goes back in and lands another jab and backs out. This is making Goldbear II irate, but he can’t catch the man in the bear costume. He swings furiously left, then right, but Goldbear just ducks and dodges out of the way. Goldbear begins to laugh causing the live bear to let out a massive roar and then continue to swing wildly hitting nothing as Goldbear dances all over the ring avoiding every massive swing. Goldbear II is wearing down fast, but so is the round and Goldbear’s chance to earn more points, so he avoids one more big swing and then ducks in and delivers rapid fire jabs to the midsection of the bear and follows up with a huge uppercut to the chin of Goldbear II. The bear is rocked and staggers back just slightly and Goldbear dances his way back out and creates great distance between him and his opponent. Mills looks like he wants to check on the bear, but Goldbear II quickly recovers and begins to charge only for the bell to stop. Security moves in quick and gets Goldbear II back to his corner but Goldbear is feeling it still dancing and he winks at a lady in the front row.
Magnus: Wow. Goldbear certainly won that round. Did our champ even land I blow?
Phillips: I don’t believe he did and Goldbear is really feeling it. He’s even flirting with women in the crowd.
Magnus: That’s your schtick!
Phillips: If he asks for a blower after the show I’m sueing.
Round 3 - DING DING DING
The bell rings for the third round and Goldbear is still feeling himself. He dances right over to Goldbear II and mocks the giant bear the whole way. Whatever happened in the corner between rounds calmed the massive bear because Goldbear II just watches intently. Goldbear puts out one arm and spins the other around mimicking an old Mohamed Ali clip he remembers and playing to the crowd when BOOM Goldbear II catches him out of nowhere with a massive right and Goldbear hits the mat. Mills begins to count.
Mills: One, Two, Three, Fou…
Mills pauses mid count as Goldbear pulls himself up on the ropes and shakes it off.
Mills: Are you okay to continue?
He gets no response from the man-bear, but instead witnesses a full break down of the mad man as he charges full sprint and nails Goldbear II with a spear! Mills is in the timekeepers headset and the bell rings, but that doesn’t stop Goldbear as he lifts the giant bear up and slams him down with a jackhammer! Goldbear let’s out a primal scream as he stands over his opponent, but this was a boxing match and his anger only continues when he hears the call.
Winner by disqualification and STILL Bear Necessities Champion: Goldbear II
Magnus: Not the ending I expected, bu…oh shit, run.
Goldbear is out of his mind and exits the ring heading straight for Magnus and the announcers table. Magnus and Phillips immediately jump the rail and exit through the crowd to escape danger. Security tries to intervene, but Goldbear body slams on, decks another with a right, whips the third into the barricade. Suddenly it’s not just the announcers running but the crowd in the front row as well. One person does not escape, it’s Brad Buffer who tries to run, but runs right into Goldbear’s arms. He hoists the lesser know and probably not real Buffer brother on his shoulder and slams him right through the announcers table. Goldbear stands over the distraction as people are running and screaming in fear and we cut to credits.
The credits roll and we fade to black, but we fade back in on a disaster zone. There is broken concrete rubble everywhere. Broken pieces of rebar stick out from the ground. It’s mostly dark with spots of light where the sun is shining through. BEEF pushes through a large pile of concrete and into the view of the camera. Behind him follows Venom, James Muller and the Borgs, Evil and Heavy Metal.
Evil: This isn’t the AFTERWARD I hoped to bring about.
BEEF: This isn’t the Afterward.
Venom: Oh thank God. You mean we didn’t time travel?
BEEF: Of course not. These two idiots blew up the gym.
Mueller: So this, what’s left?
BEEF: Yes. When the bomb went off I got everyone to evacuate, but those two were knocked out and I didn’t have time to carry them out so I threw them in the cellar. Then I found you and Venom in the office knocked out and I took you there too. I tried to follow you in, but the roof collapsed and I was stuck in the rubble.
Venom: Holy crap how did you survive?
BEEF: My massive size and strength combined with the great men of the AFD. They got me out. Took me awhile to recover and since then I’ve been trying to dig you out.
Venom: Oh my God. So we’ve been trapped in there for months? These idiots convinced us they took us all to the Afterward.
Both Heavy-Metal and Evil hang their helmets in shame.
Venom: How’s my family? My wife? My kids?
BEEF: We can discuss that later. We’ve gotta get out of here before the whole building comes down.
Beef kicks open what used to be the glass door of the gym. Now it’s plywood attached to a metal frame. It flies open and we cut to a wide view from the outside to watch as what is left of the building crumbles.
Evil: Well, this is embarrassing. At least we're still your tag team champions, right?
Fin
Magnus: Whose bothering me now? COME IN!
The door swings open and Bonnie Jenkins strolls in.
Bonnie: Magnus we need to talk.
Magnus: You can’t take the Phoenix title. We’re defending it. You saw for yourself.
Bonnie: I saw you try to pull the wool over my eyes, but I also saw Redmond somehow defend from inside of a bear on the replay. So that’s not why I’m here.
Magnus: Oh, great. So what do you want.
Bonnie: I have a list of complaints.
Magnus: What? What do you have to complain about?
Bonnie: Oh I have plenty, but these are not from me. These are from your viewers.
Magnus: Why are they sending complaints to you?
Bonnie: Because your voicemail has been full for two years, which is one of the repeating complaints.
Magnus: Oh.
Bonnie: We also have complaints from Charlie Velez and El Rey that you refuse to believe them. Of course the usual PETA complaints about your continued use of bears, the recent murder of a pig, and a serious question of where the bear that Greg Adkins released. I’d also like to know the answer to that one. Anyway…
Bonnie slams a pile of complaints down on his desk.
Bonnie: …if you don’t address these complaints it won’t be me here checking in, it’ll be the big guy.
Magnus: Mongo?
Bonnie: No, Kingpin.
Magnus perks up excited at the opportunity to be addressed by a fiction mafioso.
Magnus: Really!?!?
Bonnie: No, of course it’s Mongo. Now clean it up and figure it out, and please, please, don’t kill anymore animals.
Bonnie turns on her heel and exits Magnus’ office and Magnus picks up his phone.
Magnus: Yeah, we’ve gotta kill the match with Thob. If we kill another pig we’re gonna be in deep shit.
We fade out and in on the arena. BOOM, POW, BANG! We move around the arena and look at all the screaming fans. We see signs that read “WHERE’S THE BEEF,” “Velez was right,” and “Steve, take Magnus’ arm.” We cut to Magnus and Tom Phillips at ringside. Magnus does not appreciate that last sign and is not his usual jovial self and Tom Phillips takes the lead.
Phillips: Tom “The Pussy Killa” Phillips here along side Magnus welcoming you to the GUN Show. We’ve got a big show here tonight highlighted by the first boxing match in GUNS history.
Magnus: …
Phillips: What great insight Magnus! Now let’s head to our first match.
“Big Dick” by Little Big begins playing as “Guttertrash” Greg Adkins walks out onto the entrance stage with the fake Phoenix title around his waist. He struts around the stage while the fans boo him for being a fake champion.
Phillips: Are we really going to let Greg defend a fake title when the real champion is…dead?
Magnus: The real champion is fine just fine.
Phillips: We all saw him eaten by the bear.
Magnus: He is in Germany having a holiday and we have a servicable stand in champion in the meantime!
Phillips: What about Greg?
Magnus: Let him have his time in the sun. When Fury is done with his holiday in Germany, he’ll come and crush Greg underfoot.
Greg Adkins makes his way down to the ring, stepping in with a flourish. He hands the ref the fake Phoenix title, who reluctantly holds it up for display to the crowd before handing it off to the timekeeper. Greg grabs the microphone from the ring announcer and smiles to the booing crowd.
Adkins: It is I, your REAL Phoenix champion. I’m fresh from defeating that bastard, Redmond Fury. Now, I will defend this title against none other than Kerry Davis! Will I be able to defeat such a formidable foe? Stay here and find out!
Phillips: Is he really bringing in his own “for hire jobber” to the ring to defeat so he looks good?
Magnus: Kerry could be a real challenger. You never know. Besides, you remember what happened last time he went to face Kerry Davis.
Phillips: Greg nearly died?
Magnus: And we got a good match.
Instead of whatever Kerry Davis’ entrance music, we get “Bear Hunt” and Greg’s face goes pale.
Phillips: Is this another bait and switch? Who is coming out now?
Magnus: I don’t know, but Greg sure looks like he knows.
Ethan Mills walks out from the back, smiling to the crowd, who suddenly know who to expect and begin to cheer. “The Iron Bear” Joe Ghaven walks out next, his massive frame making the smaller Ethan look like a halfling. Greg begins to pace the ring, looking rather worried. He goes to the ref and points out Joe Ghaven, clearly trying to explain that Joe is NOT Kerry Davis and should not be allowed to compete for the title.
Phillips: Looks like the ref is not having any of Greg’s nonsense and is allowing the match!
Magus: Greg is on his knees and…reaching for the ref’s pants? Is he offering the ref a blowie in the middle of the ring in exchange for throwing this mountain of a man out?
Phillips: They are saying that he is Joe Ghaven and his manager, Ethan Mills. They were under the employ of NPW and Armand von Krauss until recently. He might be on Armand’s payroll still by the way he’s looking at Greg.
Magnus: OOh snap. We might have two dead Phoenix champions.
Phillips: You admit it! Redmond is dead!
Magnus: No. I am just implying that Greg will count as two people when Joe rips him in half.
Phillips: Oh.
Joe Ghaven steps into the ring, towering over Greg Adkins as he stands there. Greg drops to his knees and immediately begins to beg as the bell sounds to start the match.
Phillips: Is Greg offering Joe a blowie to leave the ring?
Magnus: I don’t think so? Oh wait, he is.
Joe Ghaven raises both fists into the air to thump Greg in the head when Greg lunges upwards with a mighty low blow! Joe stops his motion, his eyes bulging from the attack. Greg jumps to his feet and goes to the ropes. He comes back with a shoulder charge that does absolutely nothing.
Greg looks up at Joe and smiles before cranking a fist back to punch him. Joe catches the fist. Greg just smiles, but that quickly turns into a pained sad face as Joe squeezes his fist. Greg drops back down to his knees, tapping the hand that’s clutching at his fist. The ref immediately gets in there and double checks to make sure that Greg is still in the match or if he’s given up. Greg refuses.
Joe growls and hits a knee lift to Greg’s chin, releasing his fist and letting him fall backwards to the mat like a man who had been shot. Joe walks over and places his foot onto Greg’s chest for an insulting pinfall attempt. The ref gets into position for the count.
One
Two
Th-Greg kicks out!
Phillips: I don’t know if that was the smartest thing for Greg to do.
Magnus: No one has claimed thus far that Greg is smart.
Phillips: Unless it’s making drugs.
Magnus: Right. Then, he’s a whiz.
Joe leans down and picks Greg up before hurling him at the ropes. Greg bounces off the ropes and comes back to being flipped by a clothesline. Ethan yells from the outside of the ring for Joe to go for the cover. Which Joe does.
One
Tw-Joe jumps up, looking very angry.
Phillips: WHat happened there?
Magnus: The old surprise finger in the butt trick.
Phillips: That’s just…wrong.
Magnus: It worked, didn’t it?
Phillips: I suppose.
Joe hauls off and kicks Greg in the side of the head, sending a spray of blood and spittle toward the side of the ring. Joe rumbles toward the ropes, coming back for a legdrop, but Greg moves out of the way! Greg gets to his knees and lunges at Joe’s crotch! Joe lets out a high pitched shout of pain.
Phillips: Oh my god. Is Greg biting Joe’s nuts?
Magnus: What the Hell? He is!
The ref yells at Greg to let go and Joe begins to lay into his head with lefts and rights before pulling him off of his crotch and hurling him across the ring. Joe stands up, wincing as he does so. Blood trickles from his legs on both sides from “there”. He grits his teeth and adjusts himself painfully while Greg Adkins gets up.
Joe lets out a growl and rushes across the ring. He grabs Greg up into a press slam position and hurls him out of the ring like he was chucking a spear! Greg sails over the floor seats and onto the first balcony!
Phillips: Home run?
Magnus: Wrong sport, but that’s about the size of it.
Greg gets to his feet on the balcony! He waves at Joe, who just grits his teeth with a growl. Greg looks down below at the floor seats before he jumps!
Adkins: Catch me, you fuckers!
The crowd parts like the Red Sea before Greg’s falling form and he belly flops the floor with a resounding SMACK!
Phillips: Oh shit. Is he dead? He dead ain’t he?
Magnus: Certainly seems like that. Should call Mongo.
Phillips: Why?
Magnus: We need more Phoenix champions…
Joe Ghaven steps out of the ring and steps over the security railing, the crowd scuffling away from him as he walks toward the downed Greg Adkins.
Phillips: If Greg wasn’t dead, he soon will be.
Magnus: Well…should we stop the match.
Phillips: You would do that?
Magnus: Well, no, but I wanted to see the look on your face. Stop the match. Hah!
Joe Ghaven picks Greg Adkins off of the floor and throws him over his shoulder, walking back to the ring. He drops Greg onto the mat and goes for the pinfall.
One
Two
Thre-Greg gets a shoulder up!
Phillips: How is he not dead?
Magnus: I have no idea. It ain’t for a lack of trying. I can tell you that.
Joe kneels up and calmly looks at the ref, who quakes in no small amount of fear and shows him two fingers. Joe flips Greg over like a pancake, palms the back of his head, and begins smashing his face into the mat. After the first four times, he begins leaving a bloody imprint of his face onto the mat. The crowd begins to count along with Joe and when Joe reaches twenty, he stops and drops Greg to the mat.
Greg rolls over and smiles, spitting a tooth into the air where it lands on his forehead.
Adkins: Mommy, I don’t want to go to school today. I just want to stay home and bake cookies with you!
Joe looks down at Greg and sighs. He looks at Ethan Mills.
Ghaven: I don’t want to do this anymore.
Mills: But Armand will cut my, I mean, our pay!
Joe seems to consider it and just shrugs his massive shoulders before stepping out of the ring.
Ghaven: I’m way bigger than him. Let him try to cut our wages.
Mills: Wait! Can’t we just talk about this?
Joe Ghaven leaves with Ethan Mills hot on his heels. The ref shrugs and counts him out, awarding the victory to Greg Adkins even as he calls for the EMTs to come quickly.
The EMTs arrive with a stretcher and Greg tries to pop up, but falls back down. The tooth remains fixed to his forehead.
Adkins: I stopped that train with my face. Did you see it?
Phillips: I’m seeing a lot of painkillers in Greg’s future.
Magnus: Let’s be honest. He was going to do painkillers even if he didn’t need them.
Phillips: Well, yeah.
Magnus: Well, I guess that Greg is still the champion. Well, the fake champion? I don’t know anymore.
Greg Adkins is taken out of the ring and down the aisle with his fake Phoenix championship draped over his bloody chest. He smiles and waves at the crowd. They just look on, horrified at the mangled mess that Greg is.
There’s a low buzz amongst the crowd before the lights go dark, and suddenly the PA system comes to life with a slight edit to a song some in the XHF Network are beginning to recognise.
“GET ON YOUR KNEES AND BOW DOWN!”
A pyro explodes as the crowd go wild, before slowly, but surely, Spike Kane the X*Crown Champion emerges through the smoke and onto the stage, to a fairly loud reaction. The Champion is dressed in a full black three piece suit, with the X*Crown Championship around his waist and a microphone in his hands. The God of Xtreme drinks in the reaction, before he slowly raises the microphone, the noise not quite dying down.
Spike: Well Merry fucking Christmas!
The place erupts as Spike simply raises the microphone and let’s the crowds cheers feed through it, before slowly bringing it back down.
Spike: I have some business I need to talk to good old JFK about, but I’m sure you’re all aware by now that means the God of Xtreme, The Spiked One, the X*Crown Champion is officially part of the GUNS roster. A little thing that Jesse, Dylan, and myself started on the season premier is kicking into next gear….
He pauses for a moment, to let the hype for Oh Violent Night kick in.
Spike: …and if I survive that? Well then I’ve got Misha Constantine in my final match in FIRESIDE. Then? Well, if I get through that? Then I’m bringing the crown jewel of the XHF to the federation that represents everything the X*Crown itself does….and you can bet your ass, that I’ll go down fighting if I have to. You bet your ass I’m going to bring that belt here, and defend it on the GUN Show…..and you bet your sweet ass I’ll do it all with a smirk on my face.
Which, of course, means he now smirks at the camera.
Spike: Love me, hate me, it doesn’t matter. I am Spike Kane. The God of Xtreme. The Blood God. The best there is at what I do….
The crowd actually chant “and what I do ain’t nice!” to finish the sentence. Spike smirks and drops the mic, then puts his hands around the plate of the X*Crown championship, before crotch chopping at the camera as “Bow Down” by I Prevail plays once more and Spike heads backstage.
[Static sounds vibrate the senses, as “Fire” by Beartooth begins playing. The XHF logo smashes down on the screen breaking through a table. The logo is followed by a tangle of barbed wire and Christmas lights, pulling apart and spilling out to spell "XTREME X*MAS - OH VIOLENT NIGHT!" The video cuts between all the members on the card, the BANG! Bros! Donzig! Crinkly Bottom Boys! Vodka Fizz! The shots fade out to "DECEMBER 28TH 2021" before a fire engulfs the screen and the music kicks in!]
“Save your breath, it's all turning into static
No chance you're winning this fight
Kill the lights and let's do a little dancing
Hope you came here ready to die”
[Vodka takes off his hat and glasses, revealing that the man on the apron is not, in fact, Vodka Fizz. At the same time, Donzig is grabbed from behind, spun around, and blasted in the head with a chair by someone who appears to be one of the security guards, who pulls back his hood to reveal that it is Vodka Fizz, wearing a wireless headset. He blasts Donzig again with the chair, then drops it in the center of the ring before hooking up Donzig and nailing a Mind Eraser on the mangled chair. Vodka grabs the chair and bails out of the ring before security can intervene, brandishing the bent equalizer as a means to fight off any would-be attackers.]
“Sink a little lower
Get a little higher
Finger on the trigger, scream, 'Ready, Aim, Fire!'”
Get a little higher
Finger on the trigger, scream, 'Ready, Aim, Fire!'”
[Esmeralda tags herself in off the back of Dakota, and Jennings nails Mormo with a leaping double knee to the face! Her weight landing on Mormo’s chest as she reaches back for the leg and a pin. The referee argues she isn’t legal, and she is confused. Esmeralda steps in and tells Dakota to get out of her ring. A heavy arsenal of strikes and kicks keeps the rising Mormo to a knee as Krauss shows what she’s made of. A lethal assassin with her ground and pound game, using her legs like swords to slice the opposition down and bend them to her will. Mormo catches a left leg and rises up, thinking that he’s going to capture suplex - headbutte from Krauss! A second headbutte! Mormo’s nose is busted open!]
“Sink a little lower
Get a little higher
Finger on the trigger, scream, 'Ready, Aim, Fire!'”
Get a little higher
Finger on the trigger, scream, 'Ready, Aim, Fire!'”
[From out of nowhere Mr Blobby pulls out a Sherbert Dib-Dab and inhales the full contents of it! As though shot with the adrenaline of the mythos of Gods like Zeus and Herculues, Mr Blobby goes full hulk and begins to inhale and exhale with noticeable animation. Steve Awesome turns to see this and in that second, Steve sees his life flash before his eyes. Mr Blobby slugs Awesome in the face with a haymaker, sending the Face of the Franchise into the apron. Mr Blobby follows it up by grabbing Steve by his family jewels and then his chest. A military press by Mr Blobby has Steve Awesome high in the air with a facial expression of pure pain from the grip Blobby had on his nether region. Edmonds signals him to toss Awesome into the dumpster. With force and distance, Mr Blobby shows he has eaten his wheaties, he’s taken the spinach of popeye and mixed it with the juice that gives men all those bulges; Mr Blobby not only throws Awesome but does it with such force that Awesome’s body hits the back of the dumpster on the inside, causing the dumpster to move away from the Crinkly Bottom Boys and into the guardrail.]
“I'm running out of answers
I've lost my head
I pushed all of your buttons and you want me dead
Tossing and turning and blowing smoke
Hope you're ready for revenge
Cause I've had enough”
[El Combatiente kicks out. Lord Dominicus picks him up and hits a quick backbreaker as he quickly races to the ropes as he comes off and connects with a moonsault. He pulls El Combatiente to his feet as he tosses him to the floor. He races into the ropes as he goes flying over the top ropes and catches him with a flying body press. Lord Dominicus pulls him to his feet as he whips him right into the guard rail back first. Lord Dominicus steps back as he measures him as he races in and catches him with a leg lariat as he goes flying into the crowd from the impact.]
"Sink a little lower
Get a little higher
Finger on the trigger, scream, 'Ready, Aim, Fire!'"
[Spike rolls out of that mess, the barbed wire tearing away at his skin. He pulls another table out, this one big enough to fit both his opponents on. He drags it out to the entranceway and then comes back to the barbed wire massacre, dragging first the smaller Dylan, then the bigger Jesse, and dumping them both onto the table. He binds their hands together with barbed wire and then climbs up to the top turnbuckle. Spike looks up as he notes the platform is low enough that he could grab the underside. And he does. He climbs along the underside like monkey bars, grabbing a few fun tools as he goes. He makes it to the edge and swings his legs over, pulling himself onto the top of the platform with all sorts of fun things; the spool of barbed wire, some lighter fluid, and a lighter.
Philips: What on earth is Spike planning?
Magnus: Whatever it is, it's otherworldly... no, it's interdimensional.
Spike starts with the lighter fluid, standing right over Dylan and JJ and pouring out bottle after bottle all over them and the table below. He then pours moreover himself, getting that shizz all over him. He then takes the barbed wire and spins right round, wrapping himself up like a mummy with it.
Magnus: Oh no. I know what this is. Have you heard of BLW?
Philips: No sir, I have not.
Magnus: Then you're in for quite the treat!
Spike manages to cut the end of the barbed wire and picks up the lighter, grinning sadistically. He flicks it on and immediately is engulfed in flames!
Philips: WHAT THE FUCK!?
Spike then turns around, and jumps off!
We get a slow-motion shot of Spike's drop off the cage, flipping off of the weapons platform.
And landing on the table with Dylan and Jesse.
...
And EVERYTHING GOES UP IN FLAMES!!!!!]
"Sink a little lower
Get a little higher
Finger on the trigger, scream, 'Ready, Aim, Fire!'"
[The camera freeze frames on the three hardcore goliaths standing together in the ring, ready for one more round... before the screen shatters like glass and we cut to PRICE's massacre at the SWINGERS PARTY!]
“Save your breath, it's all turning into static
There's no chance you're winning this fight
Kill the lights and let's do a little dancing
I hope you came here ready to die”
A steel chair to the back of the head sends the two time champion crumbling to the ground.
Brent Sampson: Oh my god, it’s Price!
Magnus: You gotta say it in all caps, Brent. ITS PRICE! And it’s a violence FOURSOME NOW!!
Brent Sampson: He just took Dylan Black OUT with that steel chair.
Magnus: That’s just one of the many violent things this man can do!
Meanwhile Spike hits a kick to Jesse and he starts trying to hook Jesse up for the Spike Impaler on the apron. He lifts once but Jesse blocks. Spike knees him and then starts to lift the murder lizard off the his feet when suddenly PRICE swings the chair and nails both Spike and Jesse at the same time and both men go tumbling into the mass battle on the floor knocking a few people down. Price climbs the top rope with his chair, shrugs it off and just dives into the mass swinging the chair as he does so and starts taking the rest out.
Brent Sampson: DEAR GOD PRICE IS ON A MURDER SPREE WITH THAT CHAIR. Him being added to the main event of Oh Violent Night just made things that much more violent!]
“You're running out of time and your voice is blown
You've lost all of the power now you've lost your home
I make the decisions I chose my path
I'm sending you to hell and I won't look back”
You've lost all of the power now you've lost your home
I make the decisions I chose my path
I'm sending you to hell and I won't look back”
[We transition to animated gifs of Vodka Fizz and Donzig, both glaring at one another and ready to tear each other to pieces.]
“Sink a little lower
Get a little higher
Finger on the trigger, scream, 'Ready, Aim, Fire!'”
Get a little higher
Finger on the trigger, scream, 'Ready, Aim, Fire!'”
[They fade to Esmerelda von Krauss and "D," who stare each other down with Alyssa Lucchi staring fearfully between them both.]
“Finger on the trigger, scream, 'Ready, Aim, Fire!'”
[BANG! Bros and the Crinkly Bottom Boys stare each other down, Kanyon frothing at the mouth while Blobby snorts some sherbet. Noel and Awesome jaw off behind them!]
“Scream, 'Ready, Aim, Fire!'”
[Lord Dominicus and El Combatiente stare tensely at one another, while Javier looks nervously between them. This is where he has to choose!]
“'Ready, Aim, FIIIIIIIIIRE!'”
[The music fades out with a barbaric barbed wire ring setup with the GUNS logo on the ring apron. We see Jesse Jamester fade in to the center of the picture, his King of Hardcore moniker displays with a static effect on the text. He's wearing his black lizard scale mask, tatted and scarred torso exposed.
PRICE appears to his right, wielding a steel chair and tapping the side of his head ready to play mind games with anyone he meets.
Then the "Messiah of Mayhem" Dylan Black appears to Jesse's left, with his robot arms crunching his knuckles and snarling at Jesse.
PRICE appears to his right, wielding a steel chair and tapping the side of his head ready to play mind games with anyone he meets.
Then the "Messiah of Mayhem" Dylan Black appears to Jesse's left, with his robot arms crunching his knuckles and snarling at Jesse.
Lastly, Spike Kane appears to the right of PRICE, with ‘God of Extreme’ appearing with a static effect underneath him. Holding the X*Crown Championship high into the air. The video captures the eyes of all four men looking directly at the viewer, faces showing the resentment they have for one another, as the XHF logo drops down from the top, and the Xtreme X*Mas - Oh Violent Night banner comes across the screen showing the date of December 28th, 2021 one last time.]
We cut to the back where we find one half of the Bang! Bros stable and the Fireside Tag Team Champions El Combatiente and former President Curtis Kanyon. We follow them as they walk and ease drop on their conversation which is in Spanish.
El Combatiente: You are such a good friend bringing us here for Spike’s debut in his new company.
Kanyon: It’s what I do, and I really wanted to see Steve steal another arm.
El Combatiente: That will be interesting, but what is it with Steve and Robot arms.
Kanyon: You’d have to ask him for sure, but I think the robot parts just piss him off an take him to another level. They make him more violent. Have you ever had something make you feel more violent?
El Combatiente: Dominicus…
Kanyon: Sore subject I know, but what bothers you so much about him?
El Combatiente: He just affects Javier in a way that I don’t. I always thought Javier was my friend, but I’m paying him to be my friend essentially. Dominicus doesn’t pay Javier and Javier is just as much a friend to him as he is to me.
Kanyon: Good. Use those feelings to make you angry. Use them to make you violent. Take it to another level. Xtreme Xmas is called Oh Violent Night, live up to that.
El Combatiente nods and Kanyon holds out his arm to stop him.
Kanyon: Look, it’s Nelly’s dressing room. We should have him interview us. Let’s get one last promo in for our Xtreme Xmas matches. Show them that emotion you’re feeling right now.
“He’s not in there.”
Kanyon and El Combatiente look off camera and we pan to find a Latino stage hand rolling wiring.
Stage Hand: Sorry to but in, but he learned Randy threw a Christmas Party in his apartment without telling him so he had to, and I quote “work out these feelings.”
Kanyon: That’s so Randy.
El Combatiente: That’s fine, there’s something about that guy I just don’t like.
Kanyon: Nelly? Who doesn’t like Nelly???
El Combatiente shrugs.
Kanyon: Oh well, I think it’s time for Steve’s match anyway. We should get to our seats.
The two exit off camera and we cut back to the arena.
Tom Phillips: Well it’s time for your match against Steve Awesome, Magnus. You know, Steve is a call to arms winner, the End of Days winner and that is just this year. Steve has been on fire for most of twenty twenty one. Meanwhile you’ve barely wrestled a match in years and have pretty much sat at this commentary booth for the back end of your career. Are you nervous in any way going into this match.
Magnus: I gotta say Tom, I honestly wasn’t until you said all of that just now.
{All the lights in the arena die out and the fans in attendance start chanting
his name.}
Half the crowd: AWE-SOME!!!
The other half: SUCKS!!
Half the crowd: AWE-SOME!!!
The other half: SUCKS!!
Half the crowd: AWE-SOME!!!
The other half: SUCKS!!
{Dramatic Pause.}
"REGRETS I'VE HAD MINE!"
{The lights in the arena explode to life as they flash green and black to the beat as Steve Awesome comes running out with intensity to the hyped up chorus of "Full of Regrets" by Danko Jones.}
Lonely nights/ and a whole lot of wasted time!
If you see her wont you tell her for me/
It's better this way to avoid all the misery
{The chorus plays again as Steve walks down to the ring. The guitar starts soloing and Steve hops into the ring and he provocatively slips off his jacket and then spins and drops into a kneel and he flexes his arms. He gets a slow motion effect as pyro sprays behind him.}
Tom Phillips: Well there he is, Magnus. The Face of the Franchise. Are you having any second thoughts?
Magnus: A couple, Tom. But I can’t just let Steve talk trash like this and try to threaten me. I’m a former XHF World Champion, damn it! I’m not letting him take my arm. He can go to hell!
*The Lights dim as the first bars of the opening to CKY's "The Human Drive in Hi-Fi" blare across the arena. Soon, the song kicks in full, as do the lights in the arena, Flashing White and Green lighting all over the place. Magnus takes a deep breath, takes his headset off and slides into the ring. He makes his way to the apron where he skips and lands on his knee on the apron. He pulls himself up with the ropes and enters the ring between the top and middle ropes. He struts around the ring a bit before The music dies down and the ref calls for the bell to start the match. Magnus gets right into Steve’s face but all Steve was looking at was his left arm. You can hear them talking trash.
Magnus: Hey! My eyes are up here, asshole.
Steve Awesome: Shut up and just hand over that arm before you get hurt, “commentator”.
Grudge Match
Magnus vs Steve Awesome
Magnus vs Steve Awesome
Steve reaches forward and pie faces Magnus who staggers back. Magnus turns red with anger and comes back with a flurry of strikes. Steve starts to stagger back but manages to counter with a knee to the gut. Steve quickly goes for an arm of Magnus, twists it and yanks it down to toward the ground, pulling Magnus face first into the mat. Steve quickly drops a knee into the back of Magnus shoulder and starts yanking back.
Tom Phillips: Steve Awesome goes right to work taking the metal arm of my broadcast partner here. He really wants to complete the set and have a right and a left arm. One from Magnus and one from Dylan Black!
Magnus yells out in pain and manages to stretch his leg out to the rope. The ref starts his count and Steve naturally breaks at four. Magnus gets up and rotates his shoulder to try and work through the pain. Steve takes a step back and arrogantly tells Magnus to bring it on.
Tom Phillips: There might be more ring rust then Magnus originally thought there would be. He looks a little unsure as the groupie slayer himself, Steve Awesome, tells him to bring it on. By the way, to the Steve groupies that inevitably get rejected, I’m just saying I’ll be in the same hotel, and I’m not picky.
Magnus consumed with anger steps forward and the two lock up in the middle. Steve gains the advantage and quickly starts trying to catch Magnus in a hammerlock. Magnus throws a few elbows that find their mark, Steve loses his grip, and Magnus runs to the ropes looking for some offense. But Steve catches him with an arm drag. Mags hits the mat, gets up and runs right into another arm drag.
Tom Phillips: Awesome is keeping his attack directed at loosening up either of those metal arms. Magnus lands on his feet after the third arm drag attempt, but Steve runs the other way. Awesome dodges a drop kick attempt and WOAH!!!! STEVE WITH A SPRINGBOARD CROSS BODY INTO THE BACK OF MAGNUS AND NOW HES LOOKING FOR EVERYBODY'S FAVORITE SUBMISSION HOLD!!
Steve has Magnus laying on his chest and he’s already got one arm trapped between his legs. But Magnus fights hard not to let Steve pull his other arm back into the rings of Saturn submission hold.
Tom Phillips: Magnus knows he’s in trouble. He can’t let Steve lock in this move or his arm is gone.
Magnus is able to break Steve’s grip but the Face of the Franchise is quick to grab for the arm again, forcing Magnus to fight it off again and again. Magnus finally manages to get a foot on the ropes and Steve is forced to break the rest of the hold. He does so, but not before slapping the Gun Show commentator slash former XHF world champion in the back of his head. You can hear Steve shouting at Magnus in the ring.
Steve Awesome: Your worthless “Mags”
Steve kicks him in the back.
Steve Awesome: Pretty soon you are going to be left armless. I want to have a full set of metal arms.
Tom Phillips: I knew it!!
Steve continues to stomp at a seated Magnus and slap at his head. But Magnus was facing away from Steve so he doesn’t see Magnus getting more and more angry. Steve grips Mag’s by the head and drags him up to his feet and gets planted and bounced right on the top of his head with the damndest snap ddt you ever saw.
Tom Phillips: MAGNUS WITH A HUGE DDT! COVER! MAGNUS COULD DO IT HERE!!
The ref drops down to count.
1!!!!
2!!!!!
Steve barely gets the shoulder up before three. Awesome is trying to shake the cobwebs out after the ddt but Magnus doesn’t give him much of a chance. Magnus drags Steve up to his feet and then chops the hell out of him. He chops him again and Steve comes alive a bit and swings a punch but Magnus counters into a back breaker into a neck breaker combo and then ties Steve up with the La magistral cradle. The ref slides In for another pin fall count and Steve struggles and digs deep to break out before the third count happens.
Tom Phillips: Steve just barely kicked out there. Maybe Magnus has some fight left in him after all. And the Face of the Franchise expending a lot of energy kicking out of all these pin attempts.
Magnus drags Steve back to his feet. Another piercing knife edge chop from the legend. Steve stiffens up and grits his teeth as the pain electrifies his whole body. Magnus lifts him up and back bown with a Manhattan drop and then executes a picture perfect drop toe hold and Steve hits the mat.
Tom Phillips: Magnus showing he still remembers a few moves. But Steve is smart and pulls in his arms so Magnus can’t hook him in another cradle!
So Magnus just rolls the other way. He grabs Steve’s leg and hooks him into a single leg Boston crab!!
Tom Phillips: Holy hell I almost choked on my Mountain Dew. Magnus just locked in the Magnum Reel in freakin twenty twenty one! Are you kidding me!? Steve has nowhere to go!!
Steve cries out in pain as Magnus sits all the way back, sending all the pain through his leg up into his pelvis and lower back. “Ahhh God!!” Steve shouted as he reached out toward the ropes hoping to break the hold. Magnus pulls back even harder and Steve thinks about tapping out.
Tom Phillips: No Steve! Don’t tap out to Magnus! I’ll never hear the end of it.
Steve’s arm hovers over the mat as Magnus continues to contort his body in a very painful way. Instead of tapping, Steve puts both hands on the ground and leaps forward and grabs the rope. The ref forces Magnus to let go. Magnus is backed up by the ref as a wobbly Steve Awesome slowly pulls himself to his feet. The crowd boos the ref and Magnus is done hearing him lecture. He steps aside the ref and pats his leg looking for a superkick.
Tom Phillips: Man. We’ve seen Magnum Reel, and we may as well see Sudden Impact.
Magnus measures Steve waiting for him to get up and turn around. As soon as he did, Magnus threw the kick, but Steve caught it and spun him around and his his own thigh slapper superkick. The sound echoes in the arena and Magnus tumbles down like a pile of rocks. Steve then rolls out of the ring.
Tom Phillips: What the hell is he doing?
Steve walks around and sits at the commentary booth where Magnus usually sits.
Steve Awesome (on commentary): My god what a thigh slapper that was Tom! Did you hear the echo on that one?
Tom Phillips: Yeah. I think everyone did Steve. But why aren’t you pinning him?
Steve Awesome (on commentary) I got plenty of time. By the time he actually wakes up he will think it’s time to commentate on the New Years Show. Look at him Tom…”Mags” has no idea where he is after that thigh slapper got him….
Magnus has a far away look in his eye as he starts trying to get up but can’t just yet.
Steve Awesome (on commentary): …That arm is mine for the taking.
Tom Phillips: Why do you want Magnus’s metal arm, Steve? Why do you want Dylan’s metal arm? Why do you want anyone's metal arm at all?
Steve Awesome (on commentary): The real question Tom, is why wouldn’t you want metal arms?
Tom Phillips: I never thought about it that way. My position has changed on the matter.
Steve Awesome (on commentary): Well gotta go take Magnus’s arm. This was fun, maybe one day I’ll come back and take ole Mag’s job from him too.
Tom Phillips: Wow. I’d like that.
Steve sets the headset down and starts walking back to the ring.
Tom Phillips: He said this was fun. If I play my cards right I can get the groupie run off position for sure and OH MY GOD! MAGNUS JUST DIVES FROM THE RING AND TAKES STEVE OUT!
Steve hits back first into the table and rolls to his side. It takes a few moments but Magnus gets up to his feet. Striking the whole time, Magnus drags Steve to his feet and gets him inside the ring. Magnus goes for the cover.
1….
Steve looks dazed.
2…..
Magnus puts his feet on the ropes!
3.. No Steve still managed to kick out. Both Magnus and Steve check if that was three with the ref at the same time. They look at each other and immediately lock up and throw fists and Steve suddenly hoists Magnus up for the SteveKO but Magnus slips out of it. Magnus goes for the superkick but Steve catches it like last time, spins Magnus around and Steve throws his own superkick. But Magnus catches that one and to the surprise of Steve he gets spun around and Magnus nails him with the SUDDEN INPACT!
Tom Phillips: SUPERKICK! Flush on the jaw of the face of the franchise.
Magnus thinks about the pin but instead he starts climbing the top rope. He starts measuring Steve’s distance as he signals for the diving head butt.
Tom Phillips: Magnus looking to finish Steve off with the diving head but the calls Oscarworthy. How great would that be for him to send Steve packing with a move like that!?
Magnus makes the leap and dives head first only to eat nothing but mat! Steve peels Magnus up off the mat and drops him with the SteveKO. Steve hooks the leg.
1…..2……3!
Winner: Steve Awesome!
Tom Phillips: And Steve Awesome gets the win after Magnus crashed and burned. He was one to use high risk sparingly and we see why. And now Steve foregoes his celebration and gets to work ripping that arm right off of Magnus!
Steve grabs the left arm of Magnus, places one foot on the back of his head and starts pulling like he’s trying to lift Thor’s hammer. The crowd is booing. The arm is starting to get loose as Steve tugs on it. Suddenly the crowd starts to cheer as DYLAN BLACK comes running through the crowd with a steel chair and shoves Steve off of Magnus!
Tom Phillips: Dylan Black is here! The two time XCrown champion has seen enough! Dylan with a chair in his hand, swinging it at Steve and keeping him at bay.
Steve tries to make a move but Dylan is there to stop him on any front by swinging the chair at him. Magnus starts to pull himself up to his feet as he holds his head. He staggers back into the ropes, bounces forward and hits the Magnum Cutter onto Dylan out of nowhere!
Tom Phillips: WHAT THE HELL! MAGNUM CUTTER ON DYLAN!
Magnus pops up, evil grin on his face as he shakes hands with Steve Awesome. The crowd boo as the figure out whats going on.
Tom Phillips: You have got to be kidding me!!
Steve and Magnus laugh together as Steve gets a mic and Magnus smashes Dylan with the chair.
Steve Awesome: First off….two of the worlds most finest actors have got to stick together, Isnt that right Mags.
Magnus takes a chair shot onto the back of Dylan. Then Magnus leans next to Steve and speaks into the mic Steve was holding.
Magnus: You know it. Plus….
Magnus swats Dylan again.
Magnus:....I never really liked Dylan Black.
Steve Awesome: Does anybody?
The crowd lays the boos on thick as Steve laughs at his own jokes.
Steve Awesome: The master plan had been laid out for weeks and Dylan fell right into our trap. Just like the young little idiot that he is. How could I ever hate Magnus, look how adorable he is!
Magnus gives the camera a cheesy grin before nailing Dylan again with the chair.
Steve Awesome: To think, I wanted to collect multiple arms. Look man, I'm not some type of weirdo. All I ever wanted was Dylan’s arm because he sucks and it's way too funny. And speaking of your arm Dylan….”
Steve kneels down next to Dylan as Magnus drives the edge of the chair into Dylans neck, holding the weakened and chair battered man down.
Steve Awesome: You said you wanted a match with me? I might have said no, but you know what Dylan….ive reconsidered. But I want to raise the stakes….literally.
Steve starts to pace back and forth.
Steve Awesome: Your arm on a pole? Thats not enough for me. Forget the pole. No, no. If you want your arm back Dylan, you are going to have to find a way to climb up to the top of a FORKLIFT with one measly arm.
Steve stops and shakes his head.
Steve Awesome: No. no. Lets take it even higher than that! Lets bring the pole back. I want the forklift raised up as high as it can go, and then on top of the forklift is an eight foot pole and on top of that pole will be your precious arm. The man who can climb all the way to the top and retrieve the arm, gets to use it in the match. Thats right, if you want your arm back Dylan, you’ll have to beat me at Supremacy in a DYLANS ARM ON A POLE,ON A FORKLIFT, MATCH!
Tom Phillips: What the hell!? How high can forklifts go? Can Dylan even climb that high with one arm? How is he supposed to have a chance in hell in winning that? I still cant believe Magnus and Steve were working together this whole time.
Steve Awesome: Pick him up.
Magnus nods and pulls Dylan up to his feet and Steve lifts Dylan up and drops him with a SteveKO. Steve and Magnus high five and Steve leaves up the ramp and Magnus goes back to commentary.
Magnus: Ha ha, I still got the acting chops, Tom.
Tom Phillips: Do you think Dylan will accept the new challenge?
Magnus: If hes smart he wont.
Medics rush out to check on Dylan as Steve walks up the ramp, satisfied with himself. While the medics work we cut to Charlie Velez live. He is taking out his overflowing garbage can of wrapping paper. He looks at the camera with his head cocked slightly.
Velez: I’m not on this episode. Why are you here?
Velez stares at the camera expecting some sort of response, but he doesn’t get one.
Velez: Freaking Magnus must’ve been one segment short.
Velez puts his garbage can on the curb and walks back into his house.
Phillips: Wow, while Charlie Velez cut that amazing segment quite a collection of characters assembled in the ring.
Magnus: We spared no expense!
Phillips: ...But the Atlanta Falcons offensive line-up?
Magnus: Well, some expense...
XHF Fauenix Championship
Secret Santa Match
Redmond Faux-ury (L.A. Wombat) (c) vs. Jake Matthews, Jalen Mayfield, Matt Hennessy, Chris Lindstrom, Kaleb McGary, Colby Gossett, Drew Dalman, Josh Andrews, Jason Spriggs, Harsh Winter Pilgrim, ATV Bandit, Baby New Years 1975, and EAST L.A. Wombat
Secret Santa Match
Redmond Faux-ury (L.A. Wombat) (c) vs. Jake Matthews, Jalen Mayfield, Matt Hennessy, Chris Lindstrom, Kaleb McGary, Colby Gossett, Drew Dalman, Josh Andrews, Jason Spriggs, Harsh Winter Pilgrim, ATV Bandit, Baby New Years 1975, and EAST L.A. Wombat
Announcer: The following contest is scheduled for one fall – and is a SECRET SANTA match for the XHF Fauenix Championship! Each of these participants has been given the name of their opponent randomly drawn from a hat. The winner is the first competitor to defeat the wrestler whose name they selected.
Phillips: So they each know who they have to defeat, but not who is trying to defeat them?
Magnus: Yes, there is a real element of strategy. Do you leave ATV Bandit alone with Baby New Years 1975 to go after Mayfield, or do you make sure the coast is clear first? It seemed fairer than making this a handicap match with Wo-Fury defending against the Falcons.
Phillips: Why would you want him to face those odds?
Magnus: Fury is one of the greatest athletes in the XHF at the moment, even looking a little like Wombat, I don’t see Fury dropping that belt to just anyone. ...And it stresses me out. What if Bonnie were to discov-
DING! DING! DING!
Magnus: And they’re off!
Phillips: Pier Six brawl! But Hennessy with a schoolboy on Andrews – 1 – 2 – 3!
Magnus: Wait, what?
DING! DING! DING!
Announcer: The winner of this match – and NEW Fauenix champion, Matt Hennessy!
Magnus: Wait, really?
Phillips: That was surprisingly fast.
Magnus: Don’t get me wrong, it’s a relief to end this charade, and it nice to have Wombat back – but I bought one of those bingo ball machines to distribute the names. A lot of time went into organizing this gimmick.
The referee inspects a piece of paper that Hennessy presents him, and then explains the rules again before saying something to the announcer.
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, Matt Hennessy was NOT Josh Andrews Secret Santa. A reminder to the participants you can only pin the person whose name you drew. That is being considered a false start, Faux-ury is STILL your faux champ, and we will restart now-
DING! DING! DING!
Magnus: This is not that complicated!
Phillips: Apparently it’s going through some growing pains.
Magnus: I knew we should have risked a Florida Man guest spot by hiring the Miami Dolphins instead.
East L.A. Wombat: I’m done with you culturally misappropriating my flow, ese!
Phillips: East L.A. Wombat calling out Womba-Redmond Fury for a previous gimmick infringement!
Magnus: Now Wombat using the ATV Bandit’s ATV to get airborne with a tope con hilo at the champion!
Phillips: Only the Atlanta Falcons reason that wFury is East L.A.’s secret Santa and throw up a wall between them! This isn’t the defensive end, but they are big enough to keep the two apart.
Magnus: This is more like it-
Phillips: While the majority of the field is tied up with East L.A., woooFury puts Kaleb McGary in a wristlock – there’s the tap!
DING! DING! DING!
Magnus: Another false start, right?
Phillips: This time the referee checking, and Wombat produces a piece of paper from inside his Fury bodysuit. ..um... I mean Fury with a piece of paper. There’s the confirmation.
Announcer: The WINNER OF THIS MATCH-
Magnus: ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?
Announcer: And STILL XHF Fauenix Champion – LOS AUTHENTICO ER-
REDMOND FAUUUUUUUUUUX-URY!
Magnus: I spent DAYS organizing this.
Phillips: All your hard work really showed in that second minute.
Magnus: Now I’m going to have to keep this up into 2022. I’m not sure my ulcer can take constantly worrying that the XHF brass will spot Womb-
Phillips: Bonnie was here last month, I’m sure it’ll be some time before she darkens our door ag- no wait, there she is.
Magnus: KILL ME WITH A RUSTY DRILL TO THE PUPIL!
Spotting Bonnie walking past an arena door, Magnus abandons the broadcast booth.
Phillips: But we have another match.
Magnus: I TRUST YOU TODD!
Magnus shoves Wombat down, so that the duo have the disappointed Falcons acting as a shield from Mongo’s eagle eyed assistant. Shoving the muscle suited Wombat behind one football player, pausing, then repeating looks like a Squid Game in practice. Magnus stops to look back where Todd Phillips is chatting up some Hello Kitty fans.
Magnus: I DON’T TRUST YOU WITH MINORS, TODD!
Phillips looks dejected and returns to the announcer’s booth. Bonnie is also looking up, prompted by Magnus’ shouting. Almost making eye contact, Magnus panics and tosses Wombat into the audience.
Announcer: WITH WINS LIKE THAT YOU’D ALMOST THINK HE WAS THE REAL THING!
Bonnie Jenkins: Real thing?
Something the announcer says garners Bonnie’s attention, and she walks in from an outside hall through a security entrance into the main arena. Bonnie stares down at the ring, where referee Sid Malloy is trying to explain to the Falcons that the match is over. It is at this moment she almost walks into Magnus and Wombat. Fortunately, Magnus has the presence of mind to shove Wombat into a concession stand, where his plastic muscle frame is promptly covered by popcorn, street meat, and scalding hot chocolate.
Magnus: Bonnie! Angina has never looked so enticing! My heart skips a beat as you grace us with your beauty, my dear.
Bonnie Jenkins: Did he just say real thing?
Magnus: Probably real deal – to assure the rubes that Fury is the next big thing in the XHF. Why even bother with Battle for Hegemony? Just give Fury the Crown!
Bonnie Jenkins: Is Fury your official entrant?
Magnus: uh. Um. Prob- we were-
Wombat inside Popcorn machine: *Achew*
Bonnie Jenkins: Did your concession stand just sneeze?
Magnus: Bonnie, so many questions, I’m sure you’re not here as a health inspector-
Bonnie Jenkins: I am now.
Magnus: If I thought it would mean seeing more of you, I’d put live rats in the arena’s Taco Bell myself. As it stands, I’m sure you’ll find the amount of roach eggs in our hotdogs to be well below those outlined in code standards. So other than brightening up my life, why are you here? I don’t suppose I can take you out to that new sushi join-
Bonnie Jenkins: The reason for my visit is your continued inappropriate workplace behaviour.
Magnus: No, Todd is the registered sex offender-
Bonnie Jenkins: Based on your continued comments, you will be visited by the XHF Human Resources Department this evening for training on proper workplace language and conduct.
Magnus knees turn to rubber, as he almost faints from the fear.
Magnus: I-is that necessary? Look, I didn’t-
Bonnie Jenkins: Make sure you contact them for the training before you leaving this evening.
GRUDGE MATCH
NO HOLDS BARRED
Ohio Native vs. Colossus Rhodes
NO HOLDS BARRED
Ohio Native vs. Colossus Rhodes
Announcer: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THE FOLLOWING CONTEST IS A GRUDGE MATCH WITH A THIRTY-MINUTE TIME LIMIT-
Saved by the bell, as the next match is starting, Magnus tries to sneak away.
Magnus: I can’t leave Todd alone on commentary-
Bonnie Jenkins: I’m going to find them and send them to your office.
Magnus: Looking forwa-
As Bonnie leaves, Wombat The Fury Tribute emerges from the popcorn machine coughing up Reese’s pieces. Magnus dives on top of him, shoving his head back down into the machine. With one arm getting buttered, Magnus waves off Bonnie with the other.
Magnus: CALL ME!
Dirty look. She’s gone. Wait a few beats. Let Wombat back up.
Wombat: *GASP*
Magnus: Hide that Fury outfit, and stay out of sight for the rest of the evening.
Announcer: Entering first-
Rather than join Phillips on commentary, Magnus charges off to the backstage area for damage control.
MEANWHILE INSIDE A BEAR:
The REAL Buckeye Bruiser is sifting through some garbage. How many stomachs does this beast have? Or are they going in circles? His partner on this strange odyssey, a man dressed in a dirty looking bird costume, emerges from a pile of trash with a copy of TV Guide from 1993.
Dirty Byrd: Is there anything this bear won’t eat.
Redmond Fury: ...And provided us with an embarrassment of supplies to ensure our survival. I initially resented the bear’s voracious appetite, but this would be impossible without it. Anything we could want. Who needs Boxing Day sales with all the hottest season toys she eats.
Dirty Byrd: I still say you should punch your way out of her, like in Alien.
Redmond Fury: For the last time Byrd, I’m not going to harm an animal that is just following its instincts. We will find a cruelty free way to escape, be patient my friend.
Dirty Byrd: Be patient! Easy for you to say- give it another decade!
Redmond Fury: Why I’m sure even as we speak, Magnus is mounting a rescue team for me-
OUTSIDE THE BEAR.
The GUNS owner runs down a hallway towards some interns.
Magnus: SHRED ANYTHING TO DO WITH FURY’S DEATH! HR is here! Erase the master tapes. I don’t want anything tying us to that accident, or that accident to reality. AS FAR AS WE’RE CONCERNED END OF DAYS NEVER HAPPENED!
On a monitor in the background, Colossus Rhodes is cutting a promo before his match begins.
Colossus Rhodes: You people are just an extension of the worms that currently burrow through Fury’s corpse.
Magnus does a spit take of his pepto bismol. Then screams at the closest production assistants-
Magnus: MUTE THESE MONITORS!
INSIDE THE BEAR.
A massive silver Star Wars Storm Trooper approaches Redmond Fury.
XHF Shockmaster: DID I HEAR YOU? DO YOU WANT TO GET OUT OF HERE? THEN COME ON. COME AFTER ME. I KNOW THE WAY-
Redmond Fury: Really? That’s fantastic.
Dirty Byrd: What a sweet man. Thank you so much.
XHF Shockmaster: IT’S JUST OVER HERE-
The XHF Shockmaster leans against a pink slime covered wall, only for it to tear under his massive frame. The big man falls forwards, getting sucked up into a blood vein, riding a T-cell super highway to god knows where. Losing his helmet along with a scream, suggests he went the wrong way.
Dirty Byrd: FUCK.
Redmond Fury: We should try to rescue him...
Dirty Byrd: FUCK!
OUTSIDE THE BEAR.
TV Monitor: “Ohio Native is going wild with those punches, he’s sticking it to Rhodes like I’m going to stick it to Janet over here shortly after I confirm her out of state ID!”
Spitting mad, Magnus yanks the cable out of another monitor. How is he the one being investigated for inappropriate Network behaviour? If he survives the XHF Human Resource Department tonight, then Magnus might volunteer Pervy Todd for a Holiday Horror spot.
Magnus: Does no one understa- ah!
Magnus freezes in his tracks as he notices some suits at the far end of the corridor near a craft service table. That has to be them. He should probably run the other way, but there are monitors lining the hallways, so he presses on.
Todd Phillips (on TV Monitor): Rhodes on the ropes, NO, blinds Native with a fist full of white powder. Looks like a party favour to me! Ohio can’t see a thing, and Rhodes now taking over. How do you feel about sensory deprivation, Janet?
Greg Adkins: Magnus.
The XHF HR look up just as Magnus dives into a broom closet. They turn back to a coffee machine, while Adkins opens the closet door to confront the GUNS owner.
Magnus: Are they still there?
Greg Adkins: Yes.
Magnus (trying to close closet door): I’ll catch you later-
Greg Adkins (keeping it open): That End of Days match was a photo finish. From the right camera angle, I AM the Phoenix champion. Why are you going with that joke Wombat, instead of acknowledging my reign?
Magnus (pointing at monitor): You can have a shot at the Fauenix if you want…
Phillips (TV Monitor): RHODES WITH A POWERBOMB INTO THE RING POST! HANGS ON! ANOTHER ONE! HE IS JUST DRIVING OHIO NATIVE’S SPINE INTO THAT POST! A FIFTH ONE! AND NATIVE’S BACK LOOKS BROKEN!
Magnus (pointing at monitor): But whoever has that belt is going to have to DEAL WITH HIM.
Greg Adkins: N... nah. I see myself as one of those Phoenix champions that only defend once a year at Night of Champions, the way it SHOULD have been before Fury took the strap to this flea market.
Magnus: Then we'll keep recognizing the Fauenix until we get our hands on the real one, and you're out of luck.
Greg: I'm sorry you feel that way.
Greg Adkins starts walking towards the XHF Human Resources team.
Magnus: Wait we can talk this out...
Adkins smiles at the Sensitivity Training Team.
Greg Adkins: I'm Magnus.
Magnus drops to his knees, and screams up at the heavens.
Magnus: NOOOOOOOOOO!
The Sensitivity Training Team stare at the distraught Magnus, before Adkins ushers them away.
Greg Adkins: Don’t mind him, just his time of the month.
IS THIS THE END OF GUNS? If Scorps fails to put anything out after the break, I’m saying this is what caused it. Magnus has an internal struggle between the four hours of sensitivity training he’ll have to endure, and the chance of Adkins making everything a whole lot worse.
INSIDE THE BEAR.
Redmond Fury charges down a large riveted platform, which suggests bones, overlooking a blood stream that the XHF Shockmaster is floating down. Dirty Byrd slowly runs behind him.
Redmond Fury: There sure are a lot of XHF wrestlers inside this bear.
Dirty Byrd (panting): Oh, the XHF used to have a lot of wrestlers with similar gimmicks to the WWE. Copyright infringement, lawsuits waiting to happen, generally the kind of embarrassments one associates with no budget Indy sleaze. So when the XHF tried to... huff... tried to clean up their image... huff... those wrestlers like Rhyno, some managed to repackage into successful original properties. Those that had a harder time with change? Well Mongo threw all of us into the phantom zone.
Redmond Fury: He fed you to a bear? That’s awful. He seems like such a nice guy.
Dirty Byrd (panting): You say it’s a bear? To me this will always be that prism floating in space from Superman.
Redmond Fury: Maybe the bear ate your magical prison? It certainly explains the dimensions...
Getting closer to the stream, Fury reaches down to snatch up the XHF Shockmaster only for him to slip out.
BACK IN THE ARENA.
Announcer: The winner of this match, COLOSSUS RHODES!!!
Phillips: Paramedics racing to Ohio Native’s aid – he may never walk again!
“GET THE HELL AWAY FROM HIM!”
The crowd cheer as Wombat stomps out of the concession area, brushing hot dogs off his plastic build while trying to stand up for Ohio like his friend Fury would.
L.A. WOMBAT: RHODES, I AM SICK TO DEATH OF-
“ROAR”
Wombat stops dead in his tracks as UrsusLA bounds out of the back, with a hungry look in her eyes.
Phillips: RUN WOMBAT! SHE’S GOT A TASTE FOR FURY NOW!
The bravery he displayed in the face of Colossus quickly melts away, as Wombat exits stage left pursued by bear.
INSIDE THE BEAR.
The bounds with which UrsusLA chases Wombat are reflected internally, with muscles contracting and the force of the leaps causing any microscopic creatures inside to be launched like moonwalkers. XHF Shockmaster is thrown out of the blood stream sadly at the same rate as Fury and Byrd are flung towards the vein’s ceiling.
After repeating this frustrating symmetry twice more, Fury finally jumps before the muscle below him can act as a trampoline – breaking the pattern to get a strong grip on the Shockmaster’s arm – yanking him out of the stream.
XHF Shockmaster: THANK YOU SO-
The XHF Shockmaster accidentally falls on top of Redmond Fury-
XHF PHEONIX CHAMPIONSHIP
REDMOND FURY (C) vs. XHF SHOCKMASTER
REDMOND FURY (C) vs. XHF SHOCKMASTER
Dirty Byrd: *pant* a match?
The Dirty Byrd slumps to the ground in exhaustion – but flaps a wing against the muscle floor.
ONE!
TWO!
Redmond Fury shoves XHF Shockmaster off him, and quickly covers.
ONE!
TWO!
THREE!
Dirty Byrd: YOUR WINNER- REDMOND FU-
All three men are launched up in the air with another lunge at Wombat.
OUTSIDE THE BEAR.
Wombat pulls a fire escape door closed behind him, and then continues running down a hallway – bumping into Nelly. The force knocks Wombat to the floor.
Nelly Angel: Where’s the fire?
L.A. WOMBAT: Sorry Nelly, I-
Magnus stalks up behind Nelly, yanking his legs out from under him, and causing Angel to fall forwards on top of Wombat. Magnus hangs onto Nelly’s legs forcing the position, while tripping referee Rory Gaines so that he headbutts Wombat on his way down.
Nelly Angel: Let go.
Magnus: No!
XHF FAUENIX CHAMPIONSHIP
REDMOND FAUXURY (L.A. Wombat) (c) vs. NELLY ANGEL
REDMOND FAUXURY (L.A. Wombat) (c) vs. NELLY ANGEL
Magnus kicks Rory Gaines in the ribs. Each shot creates a spasm that sees the referee’s arm go up, before falling to the ground.
ONE!
TWO!
THREE!
Magnus: YOUR WINNER AND NEW FAUNIX CHAMPION, NELLY!
Magnus finally lets go of the legs, allowing Nelly to stand back up. Wombat is quick to shake his hand.
L.A. Wombat: If I had to lose it to anyone, I’m glad it was you.
URSUSLA: *GRRRRRRRRRRROWL*
The bear appears again, chasing Wombat faster than he can take off his Fury outfit. As the two retreat from view, Nelly looks at the fake Phoenix title sceptically while Bonnie Jenkins slowly approaches.
Bonnie Jenkins: What’s going on here?
Magnus: Oh we’re trying a new 24-hour falls count anywhere rule with the Phoenix title. Nelly here just defeated Redmond Fury for it, so if you hear anything about Fury being eaten by a bear in the next hour-
URSUSLA OFF CAMERA: *GROOOOOOOOOOOOOWL*
Magnus: Then Fury is dead, but Nelly is the champion so GUNS will retain control.
Bonnie Jenkins: That is very upsetting about Fury. Your reaction seems kind of ghoulish. Congratulations Nelly. Magnus, shouldn’t you be with Human Resources.
Magnus starts to cry.
INSIDE THE BEAR.
The three men enter a new cavern.
XHF Shockmaster: I’M NOT QUITE SURE HOW TO GET OUT FROM HERE. THAT RIVER WAS DISORIENTATING.
Redmond Fury: Don’t worry about it, Shockmaster. I’ll find a way out of here, and make sure all you “REAL” characters are released as well.
“So it all comes down to this.”
An ominous voice echoes throughout the cavern.
Redmond Fury: Identify yourself.
Out of the shadows steps everyone’s favourite survivalist, Aiden Merric.
Redmond Fury: Why it’s my Call 2 Arms compatriot, Aiden Merric! Are you a sight for sore eyes! How did get in here my friend?
Aiden Merric: Thanks to Steve Irwin, all us Ozzies know how to get in and out of critters.
Redmond Fury: So you can show us the way out?
Aiden Merric: There will be time for that after-
Redmond Fury: After what?
Aiden Merric: You’ve been the XHF Phoenix champion for 139 days, 23 hours, 40 minutes. In another twenty minutes, you break my record.
Redmond Fury: But you’re the greatest XHF Phoenix champion of all time my friend. Comparing your defences in the AWF to mine in GUNS is like apples and oranges, there is no need to feel like your record is being threatened-
Aiden Merric: But threatened it is. So I’m challenging you.
Merric holds up a watch.
Aiden Merric: A title defence. Twenty minutes for me to beat you. After that time is up, well, my interest in that stepping stone finishes and I go back to the X*Crown division.
Redmond Fury: I certainly wouldn’t turn down a request by a champion of your calibre, Aiden.
Looking cold, Merric tosses the watch to the dirty bird.
XHF PHOENIX CHAMPIONSHIP
REDMOND FURY (c) vs. AIDEN MERRIC
REDMOND FURY (c) vs. AIDEN MERRIC
The two men charge into each other, Fury’s attempts to keep things scientific are soon soured by a Merric eye gouge.
Dirty Byrd: Hang on I have entrance music.
Fury catches Merric with a bicep buster, only to have The Big Game Hunter bite into the muscle. Dirty Byrd pulls out an 8-track player. Fury tries to shake Merric off, but the former champion just digs in harder drawing blood. Straightening his arm, Fury repeatedly runs his arm into the wall – ramming Merric’s head into it, and trying to get him to loosen his bite. While this is going on, Aiden digs his fingers into Fury’s ten pack, gouging in with a stomach claw. Fury swipes down with his free arm, breaking the claw. Merric finally stops biting the arm, head-butting Fury repeatedly, before ramming the champion’s bloody right arm into a wall of pink sludge.
Men at Work’s Down Under stands to play on Byrd’s 8-track.
The comedic nature of the song’s appearance makes Merric furious, bringing out a series of vicious kicks that mostly target the injured arm. When Fury successfully covers up, Merric goes to town with a pair of brass knuckles.
Redmond Fury: What the hell is that?
Dirty Byrd: Introducting the challenger-
Redmond Fury (in between knuckle shots): You’re making that my friend’s music? You’re just insulting our guest. Please... stop...
Dirty Byrd: Moving on- and the champion...
Turning on the next track, Redmond Fury spits up blood from a brass knuckle shot, then groans as Devo’s Gut Feeling plays.
Redmond Fury: No.
Dirty Byrd: You don’t like devo?
Redmond Fury: In our current situation, that song is a little on the nose.
A well-placed Stun Gun jab breaks Fury’s nose. Merric winds up for a roundhouse right; only for Fury to duck and toss him away with a one armed belly-to-back suplex.
Redmond Fury (can barely breath from all the blood streaming out of his nose): What else do you have?
Fury tries to keep the situation light hearted to downplay the hell of it, but this distraction proves the opening Merric needs to spear him. The larger Fury tries to hold his ground, but there is enough force for Merric to shove him back, where he trips on a bone. Both men topple over, where Merric full mounts before peppering away with his foreign object. A large shot leads to a pin.
ONE!
TWO!
Fury’s right arm looks ready for amputation, but he still gets the tree trunk up in time to avoid the three.
Dirty Byrd: Those are the only two that work.
Merric digs a thumb into the hole he bit in the right arm, torturing Fury for daring to get a shoulder up. Fury winces stifling a scream, before fighting through he blinding pain to knock Merric off with a forearm smash. Merric tries to keep him down with a kneelift, but Fury catches the leg with his good arm, and pulls the former champion into a Pec Pop.
Redmond Fury: Then give me the Down Under track.
Dirty Byrd: I can’t, that’s Merric’s now.
Fury nails a series of Pec Pops, until Merric catches him with a Bag and Tag to the broken nose. Fury tries to nail a Buckeye Bomber, but Merric ducks it – then unloads a series of knife-edge chops to the throat. Realizing the muscle mass makes them less effective than usual, Merric switches targets to the blood arm, knife edging away. Just when it looks like Fury can’t use the arm any more, the big man drags it up for a bionic elbow! The force causes both men to double over in pain.
Dirty Byrd: You guys don’t look too hot-
Merric tries to bust out a Contract Fulfilled, but Fury ducks under, and catches him with a bicep smash. His muscle looks like it explodes on impact, and Fury’s eyes roll into the back of his head before dropping to the floor. Merric slumps on top.
ONE!
TWO!
THREE-
Fury rolls out of the pin, pulling Merric over into a modified Orphanizer. Only for both men to sudden get thrown fifteen feet up in the air. Something is going on outside.
OUTSIDE A BEAR.
Wombat runs down another corridor like his life depended on it, right into freshly crowned Fauenix champion Nelly. This time the momentum is on his side, so he stays upright, even if Nelly no sells the bump.
LA. WOMBAT: I’m so sorry, I-
UrsusLA dives into Wombat, knocking him into Nelly Angel and both men to the floor. Nelly is underneath both, but has an arm free to pull Wombat’s head to one side to keep the Fury tribute from being decapitated.
Remembering Magnus earlier Fauenix as perpetual falls count anywhere title, referee Rory Gaines jumps into action. Slapping his hand on the ground.
ONE!
TWO!
THREE!
Nelly realizes that he’s being pinned to the ground by UrsusLA, but with Wombat between them-
Rory Gaines: Your winner and TWO-TIME FAUNIX CHAMPION, WOMB-FUAXURY!
Rolling his eyes, Nelly reaches out and grabs a table leg, trying to shift out of this dangerous situation. It is a craft service table, that promptly collapses – covering the trio in Turkey, gravy, mashed potatoes, and all sorts of sandwich meats. UrsusLA can barely tell where Wombat’s head ends and the Turkey begins, but as it feasts on a bird carcass – the Fauenix division crawls away.
L.A. WOMBAT: I’m so sorry Nelly; I didn’t mean to steal your title.
Nelly Angel: I honestly don’t care.
Magnus: WAIT!
Before Wombat can heed Magnus’ order, UrsusLA is back on the attack. Wombat exits stage right, pursued by bear.
L.A. WOMBAT: OH NO! I’M COVERED IN GRAVY AND TWICE AS DELICIOUS!
Magnus: What are you doing?
Magnus slaps Rory Gaines across the back of the head, just as Bonnie Jenkins re-joins the action.
Rory Gaines: W- Fury won back the title.
Magnus (to Nelly): WELL GO WIN IT BACK!
Nelly Angel: I’m kind of indifferent.
Bonnie Jenkins: Problems?
Magnus: Um, it seems that Fury has won back his title. So if you hear that he has been murdered and eaten by a bear – those are just wild rumours, because he is very much alive and a fighting cham...
Production Assistant (screaming from backstage): OH MY GOD! REDMOND FURY JUST GOT EATEN BY A BEAR!
Poor Wombat.
Bonnie Jenkins looks shocked, Magnus needing a distraction and ever one to think on his feet- once again takes a knee.
Magnus: Bonnie, will you marry me?
At that moment the Sensitivity Training Squad walk up behind him.
INSIDE A BEAR.
The two longest reigning champions in the history of the Phoenix division continue to bleed out while chain wrestling across a rib cage. Apparently this is the section of the animal where the soul is kept, only it’s nowhere to be seen, as we’ve been joined by the XHF versions of the Souled Out commentary team.
Bischoff: Ted, it's been awhile - I barely recognized you.
Dibiase: Someone on the Network already claimed my likeness.
Bischoff: I'm sure that's happened to me too.
Fury uses some of the bear’s fatty tissue to launch himself into a Buckeye Shot, but Merric slides under it. Merric throws some slime in Fury’s eyes, and then attempts a Rainmaker – only to soar right over his target, as UrsusLA’s exterior movements are playing havoc with the interior’s gravity.
Bishoff: After this we have the Inside Beauty bikini contest, in which judge the inner beauty of the bear.
Dibiase: Models have come from all over this bear to compete for the title of- wait, the big guy with a cobra clutch suplex!
ONE!
TWO!
Dibiase: Frustrated the bigger guy now lifting the one with personality up for – well he’s calling for something.
Bishoff: Merric with a European uppercut, and pulling that nasty looking right arm into a cross armbreaker- this could be it.
Dibiase: The big guy looks ready to pass out, but enough physical strength to roll the sketchy one onto his shoulders-
ONE!
TWO!
Bishoff: Merric rolls away with the armbar still on, and no ropes inside this bear to force a break.
Dibiase: Maybe a broken arm, but that’s the only break we’ll see- again the large guy rolls him onto his shoulders-
ONE!
TWO!
Bishoff: Merric rolls off, these two are so evenly matched, it’s no wonder that-
*BEEP*
The watch goes off.
A frustrated Merric pulls back on the armbar, trying to make Fury pay for this indignity. Tendons may shred. After a few moments, a livid Merric finally lets go. Fury attempts to continue, but the makeshift referee gets between them.
Dirty Byrd: That’s time. And the new record.
Aiden Merric curses.
Bishoff: It appears we have a time limit draw. These two were so evenly matched!
Dibiase: Just a little more time! Well, this isn’t the last we will see of these two-
Bishoff: Well Merric is walking off, so it actually might.
Redmond Fury: Aiden, can you get us out of here?
Aiden Merric: It only works for Ozzies.
Merric heads off into the darkness of another cavern.
Redmond Fury: I understand my friend, but please let them know we’re all right?
Aiden Merric: Champion to champion? You got it mate.
With that obvious lie, The Wonder from Down Under disappears from view. No one will ever hear of this epic.
Dirty Byrd: This reminds me of the time that the Harlem Globetrotters visited Gilligan’s Island.
Redmond Fury: What happened?
Dirty Byrd: Well, Gilligan, the Skipper, and Millionaire managed to beat the Globetrotter in a basketball game. Eventually a search and rescue effort discovered the sports team, only the trotters didn’t want to admit their defeat, so they left Gilligan and company to die.
Redmond Fury: How depressing. Well we don’t have to worry about that here, I didn’t win. Besides, Aiden Merric has way more integrity than the Harlem Globetrotters. We can count on him.
Dirty Byrd sighs at his colleague’s naivety. The two men start walking off into the sunset, by which I mean another pink slimy cavern.
Dirty Byrd: You sure you don’t want to punch through a few organs? It’s important to get out of here while you still have the strength to rip through this. People have a tendency to change down here.
Redmond Fury: I’m not going to lose who I am.
Dirty Byrd: ...I used to be XHF John Cena.
A silence falls over the two men.
Redmond Fury: Um. I can see it.
Jesus. They need to get out of here. Trying to fight through a sense of dread, the XHF Phoenix Champion and the Dirty Byrd continue their misadventures into a new year.
Static
Phillips: That was crazy in the Rob Arnold Trial, wait, I’m getting word that we lost the feed after the Phoenix title mayhem and no one at home saw it. That sucks.
Magnus: Indeed it does, but it’s now time for the match we’ve all been waiting for. The match this special show is built around. The match I announced at the last show. The big one.
Phillips: The Boxing Match on Boxing Day for the Bear Necessities Championship!
Magnus: Way to steal my thunder Tom.
We cut to the ring which is lit up by lights a bit brighter than normal. Already in the ring is our Champion Goldbear II. In there with him is a terrified, but professional Bradley Buffer the lesser known of the Buffer announcing family. Without taking his eye off of the massive bear Buffer raises his mic.
Buffer: It is now time for your MAIN EVENT. Already in the ring. He is wearing gold trunks. He is the reigning, defending, Bear Necessities Champion of the WOOOOOOOORLD GOOOOOOOOOOOOLDBEAR TWOOOOOOOOO.
The crowd massively pops causing Buffer to flinch in fear that he may end up on and episode of the rehash When Animals Attack, but Goldbear II keeps his composure and half-heartedly raises a boxing glove covered paw.
Buffer: His opponent for the evening resides from the great beyond. He has won championships all over the world. He is the one, the only, GOOOOOOOOOOOLDBEAR.
Goldberg’s theme music hits and smoke fills the stage area. An angry and agitated Goldbear walks through the smoke in black trunks and black gloves. He snarls before he continues walking down the ramp and into the ring.
Buffer: This match will be five rounds and residing over this bout will be the honorable Judge Mills Lane.
As Buffer exits the ring a monitor lights up on each ring post and the face of Mills Lane appears on each one because even we wouldn’t put a man of his age in the ring with a live bear and a man who thinks he’s a bear.
Lane: Alright. You two have been told the rules in the back. Now touch gloves and let’s get it on!
Boxing Match
Bear Necessities Championship
Goldbear II vs Goldbear
Bear Necessities Championship
Goldbear II vs Goldbear
Round 1 - DING DING
Goldbear refuses to touch gloves and dances around as Goldbear II tries to scratch his balls, but the gloves are covering his claws. Goldbear moves on closer and quickly jumps back to avoid a wild swing by his counter part. Goldbear quickly moves back in and delivers four quick jabs to the midsection and then moves out before Goldbear II swings wildly again. Goldbear II let’s out an agitated roar and steps forward and swings wildly again but Goldbear ducks and jabs again and again wearing out the midsection of his opponent, but then he takes a wild shot from Goldbear II that rocks him. Goldbear staggers back and bounces off the ropes, but quickly regains his composure. Mills yells for them to stop and he asks Goldbear if he’s okay. Goldbear nods and that he’s okay and Mills waves the match back on. Goldbear dances as his Bear opponent moves in. Goldbear II swings again, but Goldbear ducks and lands a shot right to the chin of Goldbear II. Goldbear II quickly shakes it off and swings again but Goldbear ducks again and lands another shot to the other side of Goldbear II. Again he shakes it off and retaliates with a blow right to the face of Goldbear staggering him again, but he stays on his feet and survives as the bell rings ending the round.
Magnus: The champ landed the heaviest blows, but Goldbear has got to be winning with the judges.
Phillips: That’s right Magnus, but if he takes another big shot from the champ he’s going down.
Magnus: He keeps moving like he is he might survive.
Round 2 - DING DING DING
The bell rings and the two bears move out of their corners. The giant brown bear moves out slowly snarling and Goldbear II comes out with speed and moves right in and jabs his opponent in the chest and jolts back before Goldbear II can respond. Goldbear quickly backs out and quickly goes back in and lands another jab and backs out. This is making Goldbear II irate, but he can’t catch the man in the bear costume. He swings furiously left, then right, but Goldbear just ducks and dodges out of the way. Goldbear begins to laugh causing the live bear to let out a massive roar and then continue to swing wildly hitting nothing as Goldbear dances all over the ring avoiding every massive swing. Goldbear II is wearing down fast, but so is the round and Goldbear’s chance to earn more points, so he avoids one more big swing and then ducks in and delivers rapid fire jabs to the midsection of the bear and follows up with a huge uppercut to the chin of Goldbear II. The bear is rocked and staggers back just slightly and Goldbear dances his way back out and creates great distance between him and his opponent. Mills looks like he wants to check on the bear, but Goldbear II quickly recovers and begins to charge only for the bell to stop. Security moves in quick and gets Goldbear II back to his corner but Goldbear is feeling it still dancing and he winks at a lady in the front row.
Magnus: Wow. Goldbear certainly won that round. Did our champ even land I blow?
Phillips: I don’t believe he did and Goldbear is really feeling it. He’s even flirting with women in the crowd.
Magnus: That’s your schtick!
Phillips: If he asks for a blower after the show I’m sueing.
Round 3 - DING DING DING
The bell rings for the third round and Goldbear is still feeling himself. He dances right over to Goldbear II and mocks the giant bear the whole way. Whatever happened in the corner between rounds calmed the massive bear because Goldbear II just watches intently. Goldbear puts out one arm and spins the other around mimicking an old Mohamed Ali clip he remembers and playing to the crowd when BOOM Goldbear II catches him out of nowhere with a massive right and Goldbear hits the mat. Mills begins to count.
Mills: One, Two, Three, Fou…
Mills pauses mid count as Goldbear pulls himself up on the ropes and shakes it off.
Mills: Are you okay to continue?
He gets no response from the man-bear, but instead witnesses a full break down of the mad man as he charges full sprint and nails Goldbear II with a spear! Mills is in the timekeepers headset and the bell rings, but that doesn’t stop Goldbear as he lifts the giant bear up and slams him down with a jackhammer! Goldbear let’s out a primal scream as he stands over his opponent, but this was a boxing match and his anger only continues when he hears the call.
Winner by disqualification and STILL Bear Necessities Champion: Goldbear II
Magnus: Not the ending I expected, bu…oh shit, run.
Goldbear is out of his mind and exits the ring heading straight for Magnus and the announcers table. Magnus and Phillips immediately jump the rail and exit through the crowd to escape danger. Security tries to intervene, but Goldbear body slams on, decks another with a right, whips the third into the barricade. Suddenly it’s not just the announcers running but the crowd in the front row as well. One person does not escape, it’s Brad Buffer who tries to run, but runs right into Goldbear’s arms. He hoists the lesser know and probably not real Buffer brother on his shoulder and slams him right through the announcers table. Goldbear stands over the distraction as people are running and screaming in fear and we cut to credits.
The credits roll and we fade to black, but we fade back in on a disaster zone. There is broken concrete rubble everywhere. Broken pieces of rebar stick out from the ground. It’s mostly dark with spots of light where the sun is shining through. BEEF pushes through a large pile of concrete and into the view of the camera. Behind him follows Venom, James Muller and the Borgs, Evil and Heavy Metal.
Evil: This isn’t the AFTERWARD I hoped to bring about.
BEEF: This isn’t the Afterward.
Venom: Oh thank God. You mean we didn’t time travel?
BEEF: Of course not. These two idiots blew up the gym.
Mueller: So this, what’s left?
BEEF: Yes. When the bomb went off I got everyone to evacuate, but those two were knocked out and I didn’t have time to carry them out so I threw them in the cellar. Then I found you and Venom in the office knocked out and I took you there too. I tried to follow you in, but the roof collapsed and I was stuck in the rubble.
Venom: Holy crap how did you survive?
BEEF: My massive size and strength combined with the great men of the AFD. They got me out. Took me awhile to recover and since then I’ve been trying to dig you out.
Venom: Oh my God. So we’ve been trapped in there for months? These idiots convinced us they took us all to the Afterward.
Both Heavy-Metal and Evil hang their helmets in shame.
Venom: How’s my family? My wife? My kids?
BEEF: We can discuss that later. We’ve gotta get out of here before the whole building comes down.
Beef kicks open what used to be the glass door of the gym. Now it’s plywood attached to a metal frame. It flies open and we cut to a wide view from the outside to watch as what is left of the building crumbles.
Evil: Well, this is embarrassing. At least we're still your tag team champions, right?
Fin