Gun Show s3e7: Leap day Special AKA Return of the X*Crown
Mar 1, 2022 15:58:09 GMT -5
Mongo the Destroyer, Dave D-Flipz, and 4 more like this
Post by Venom 🕷 on Mar 1, 2022 15:58:09 GMT -5
Boom, pop, bang, welcome to another Gun Show. The crowd is hot for the first full audience show after the winter break. We pan around the hyped audience and see signs that read “El Rey the king” kind of redundant but fun, “I like Jesse Jamester’s lizard,” and “I’m here to steal Dylan’s other arm.” We continue until we stop on our favorite announcers Magnus and Tom Phillips.
Magnus: Welcome back to Season 3 of the Gun Show! It’s a Leap Day Special! Even if it’s not leap day damn it. Anyway, we’ve got a hot one here tonight.
Phillips: People may have come for a big time X*Crown match, but they’re going to get a dream match.
Magnus: That’s right Spike Kane the God of Xtreme, one of the four pillars of violence against Jason Long a young man who has practically done it all.
Phillips: In addition to those two huge matches we have the Junior Heavyweight title on the line
Magnus leaves the announcers table annoyed with his partner and heads to the ring, microphone in hand and massive grin on his face. He can barely contain his excitement.
Magnus: GUNS faithful! Your patronage has been rewarded! At this time, I have an announcement that will SHAKE THIS FEDERATION TO IT’S CORE AND GUARENTEE THAT LIKE THE PHOENIX AND TAG TITLES BEFORE IT, WE WILL HOLD ONTO THE X CROWN FOR A HUNDRED YEARS! Easily the most important announcement of the year-
“It better be that you’re unwed.”
Bonnie Jenkins pushes through the backstage curtains. Mongo’s personal assistant stomps down the aisle with the furious stride of a woman who really doesn’t want to be referred to as Mrs. Magnus. Magnus, who looked practically giddy with his planned announcement, has had all the colour drain from his face. God he hopes she doesn’t ask about Redmond Fury’s outside a bear status.
Magnus: Bonnie what a pleasant surprise, I didn’t know you were interested in my availability.
Bonnie Jenkins: It’s safe to say I’ve never been more interested. So did you find out or not?
“If you’re wondering about Fury, he’s dead.”
The intimidating frame of Colossus Rhodes, steps out onto the entranceway. The Frankensteinesque monster sports The NEW Fauenix Championship over his shoulder.
Bonnie Jenkins: That’s not what-
Colossus Rhodes: Rumours persist that the Fury still lives inside an ursine cocoon, not unlike a self-righteous tapeworm. In order to validate my championship run, such fanciful notions must be laid to rest. Fighting with an idea. How do I severe the spinal column of such a conceptual opponent?
Bonnie Jenkins: We have important business-
Magnus: I had an announcement...
Colossus Rhodes: Which can wait for mine. To stomp out this disease, this affront to my championship must be put to rest. Rather than chase gossip, I will simply slay the beast.
Phillips: He wouldn’t-
Colossus Rhodes: TONIGHT, I WILL DEFEND MY PHOENIX CHAMPIONSHIP AGAINST GUNS’ MAN EATING BEAR, URSUSLA. If Redmond Fury called that mangy critter a home, he will soon find himself encased in a maggot ridden dead husk. For I will put that animal down tonight.
The crowd pop hard for the Rhodes Bear announcement, less so for the suggestion of animal cruelty and the bizarre Fury theory. Having stated his piece, the sinister Rhodes leaves this segment.
Magnus: Everyone knows that Fury is alive and well- (mouthing to camera) put Quake in a suit- (back) where was I?
Bonnie Jenkins: Have your solicitors discovered if Viper was legally able to or are we in the clear?
Magnus: I don’t follow.
“NO ONE CAN FOLLOW.”
The crowd pops hard as “Whatta Man” by Salt-N-Pepa pumps over the PA system. Out of the back walks Redmond Fury – looking far more authentic than usual. The crowd delights at this appearance, not sure if Fury is the real deal, but positive that he isn’t Wombat or Quake. Magnus seems very uncomfortable having another fake Fury this close to Jenkins, but at least the make-up seems professional. The Buckeye Bruiser steps through the ropes, with folded papers in hand.
Redmond Fury: No one can follow why you keep giving X Crown matches to outside stars.
Magnus: I-
Redmond Fury: Does GUNS not have home grown talents that deserve shots more than Lord Dominicus or Dylan Black?
The audience collectively spit on the ground at the mention of Black’s name.
Magnus: Now wait just a minute pal, I don’t know what you’re trying to-
Redmond Fury: Hi Bonnie, nice to see you again.
At the mention of Jenkins, Magnus gets very quiet.
Redmond Fury (holds up papers): So I brought a contract for an X Crown match. It’s nice that Rey has so many outside admirers to bury the axe with, but really, it’d be good for a GUNS superstar to get that opportunity. I’m sure you agree-
Magnus: He’s tied up for-
Redmond Fury: Oh, there’s no hurry. Doesn’t have to be next month. Doesn’t even have to be before the Rumble. GUNS will have the crown for years to come, but this contract basically slots me in as a challenger in the very near future.
The audience chant Fury. Who the hell is the guy under the make-up? Because if he’s not Asian, Magnus finds this impression very racist. Yet unable to confront the fraud in front of Jenkins, he really doesn’t have a choice. Shaking with anger, Magnus snatches the contract out of Fury’s hands and signs it.
Magnus: I can’t think of a better challenger, than you, Fury. Er. The part for your name is blank-
Redmond Fury (snatching papers back): I’ll fill that in later. Thanks Magnus, for putting GUNS first. Nice to see you Bonnie... congratulations on ze wedding.
Smiling like the bear that just ate a three-hundred-pound wrestler, probably Redmond Fury leaves. Magnus starts to worry about who he just signed Rey over to, and then remembers the Supremacy marriage.
Magnus: Bonnie-
Distraction.
Magnus: Will you marry-
Magnus drops to his knee and pulls out his plastic wedding ring, apparently unaware that you can only use that distraction until it works. Pissed, Bonnie slaps the ring out of his hand.
Bonnie Jenkins: You already pulled that stunt jerk, I’m here to see if Viper legally married us or not.
Magnus: OH. Oh.
“Perhaps I can answer that.”
Magnus is relieved by this latest distraction, Bonnie less so. A man wearing spandex tights that have been designed to look like a trench coat almost loses his fedora entering the ring.
Bonnie Jenkins: And you are-
Man: Harrington Heart, Wrestling Dick. While attempting to secure work as an enhancement talent with GUNS, I became aware of your problem, and saw it as an opportunity for my side hustle. As a private investigator, I charge forty dollars a day and expenses when I get can them.
Magnus: We’re not looking at the moment; try your luck with J-RO-ugh.
Bonnie hands Harrington a twenty. He’s happy to get it.
Harrington Heart: Much like his passion for not wearing shirts, Jeffrey Viper makes enthusiastic use of an online degree that allows him to conduct weddings.
Bonnie Jenkins: NOOOOOOOOO!
Bonnie falls to her knees, sobbing.
Magnus: I’m right here you know – that reaction is kind of insulting.
Harrington Heart: Cheer up, Ms. Jenkins – fortunately for you, Viper isn’t the only person who is committed to gags.
The lights dim as a series of still photographs are displayed on the tron.
Harrington Heart: Your suitor Magnus also has a passion for proposing to people. Any time he has to have an unpleasant conversation, own up to his responsibilities, or leave a room, he falls to one knee and busts out a ring. While waiting for a try out match, I witnessed the GUNS owner engaging in this form of courting on three different targets. At the end of the day, he even proposed to me in an effort to make me so uncomfortable that I would leave without him having to turn me down as a wrestler.
Magnus: I’m a people pleaser.
Bonnie Jenkins: Shut up.
Harrington Heart: This got me thinking about how often it had occurred before you said yes-
Bonnie Jenkins: I didn’t say y-
Harrington Heart: So I searched through his social media for pictures or videos of the incidents.
The montage shows Magnus proposing to waitresses to get extra bread sticks, to production assistants to pick up his dry cleaning, to a metre maid to get out of a parking ticket.
Harrington Heart: I discovered 600 different incidents of Magnus proposing in the past seven months.
Magnus: The heart wants what it wants.
Bonnie Jenkins: You are such a douche. So where does that leave me?
Harrington Heart: Jeffrey Viper in his capacity as wandering shirtless badass slash internet ordained justice of the peace, happened to be walking past 227 of those marriages.
Magnus: Oh no, you mean-
Harrington Heart: Viper has officiated Magnus weddings 227 times.
“STOP STEALING MY BIT!”
“The Bigamist” Jonathan Smith jumps over the guardrail, ready to beat up Magnus for gimmick infringement, fortunately security is on hand to make sure he’s the only person who didn’t make it to the ring.
Bonnie Jenkins: So I have sister wives... I... I think I’m going to be sick.
Harrington Heart: It’s safe to argue that no one in their right mind would let Jeffrey Viper officiate their wedding. Now I’m not the Wrestling Lawyer, but it seems to me that only the first of these marriages will actually hold up in court.
Bonnie Jenkins: Wait, so I’m in the clear?
Harrington Heart: I question your choice in men, Ms. Jenkins, but you dodged a bullet.
Bonnie Jenkins: I’M NOT WITH HIM.
Magnus: Ouch.
Phillips: Bonnie with no time to get angry, now doing an uncharacistically happy dance. Who could blame her?
Magnus: So wait, who am I accidentally married to?
Harrington Heart: The first proposal witnessed and turned into a legal binding ceremony by Viper occurred backstage at Night of Champions. Redmond Fury was considering taking the XHF Phoenix championship to either GUNS or FIRESIDE, you joking dropped to one knee, and the rest is history.
Magnus: So I’m a widow?
Oh no! Did he say that out loud? Magnus clasps his hands over his mouth, and then looks at the insultingly joyful Bonnie. Well, the cat is out of the bag.
“DANG RIGHT!”
FLORIDA MAN PEDDLES IN ON THE ULTIMATE WARRIOR.
Florida Man: Howdy GUNS. Your Mother Lovin’ Florida Man was just in the neighbourhood to make sure no one screwed my SKY FORCE subordinate Charles out of our junior title, and I couldn’t help but overhear. Everyone knows THAT BITCH MAGNUS killed his husband and fed him to a bear!
Magnus: Why would I kill Redmond?
Florida Man: For the insurance money! Insuring someone against being eaten by a bear is very specific, I know, I didn’t qualify for that shit. I’m at high risk for being eaten by lots of things. Yet you took out a huge policy in case your ball and chain became a Yogi snack!
Magnus: We have live bears on our shows; all our performers are insured against bear attacks.
Florida Man: But you’re only legally married to one of them, Casanova. The one that got eaten. ...SO THAT BITCH MAGNUS stands to become a super rich man when Redmond Fury’s cause of death is confirmed!
Magnus takes all this in for a second, then turns to Bonnie.
Magnus: Bonnie. Redmond Fury was eaten by a bear.
Bonnie Jenkins puts a hand on Magnus’ shoulder.
Bonnie Jenkins: Magnus. I don’t care. I want nothing to do with you or GUNS, and the next time the XHF needs an official to check on you, I’ll make sure that Mongo sends someone who will make your life far less pleasant.
Bonnie Jenkins leaves.
Magnus looks heartbroken. How many hoops did he jump through to keep all this a secret?
Florida Man: So even if I have to go balls deep in that bear to dig Fury out, I will find your husband’s corpse.
Magnus (thinking of the insurance payout): Please do, Florida Man. Thank you.
Florida Man: AND THEN EVERYONE WILL SEE THAT BITCH MAGNUS MURDERED HIS HUSBAND AND FED HIM TO A BEAR!
Magnus: God speed!
Florida Man peddles off on the Ultimate Warrior. Security escort Harrington Heart Wrestling Dick out of the ring, because he didn’t get that enhancement contract. Thinking of all the things he’ll buy with his widower payout, Magnus re-joins the announcer’s booth.
Phillips: What was your big announcement?
Magnus: I don’t remember.
MEANWHILE... INSIDE THE BEAR.
The heroic trio of the real Redmond Fury, his manager slash referee Dirty Byrd, and the XHF version of the Shockmaster walk into a large corridor.
Dirty Byrd: Teddingham is the largest city in the area. All sorts of underground fighting, we can make a killing.
Redmond Fury: I’m really not interested in blood sport-
Dirty Byrd: I hear you, Red. But unless you decide to rip out of the bear like an ALIEN Chest Burster, we’re going to need funds for our expedition out of this mega dungeon, and Teddingham is the place to get them. It should be around here-
XHF Shockmaster: Follow me if-
Shockmaster falls over, almost losing his helmet in the process. Rather than his usual clumsiness, it is out of shock. A giant city now lies in ruins.
Redmond Fury: Wow, I can see where this would be impressive.
Dirty Byrd: Where did everyone go? There are usually hundreds of folks out and-
The man in the filthy bird costume stops dead in his tracks, spotting a large reptilian footprint.
“RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWR.”
The skeleton of a Tyrannosaurus Rex emerges from one of the dilapidated buildings, the Dread Lord standing at more than forty feet.
Our heroes duck behind another building, to avoid the undead apex predator’s sight. Fury steadies Shockmaster, expecting the larger man to fall through a wall for comedic effect.
Redmond Fury (whispering): How did he get in here?
Dirty Byrd (whispering): Friend of yours, Red?
Redmond Fury (whispering): Dissatisfied client. I don’t remember him being that big.
Dirty Byrd (whispering): This place has a way of messing with dimensions. I’m actually five foot nine.
A scream is heard, but before Fury can run to help, it is silenced. Loud bone crunching reverberates throughout the massive cavern. Our brave travellers start to sneak away from the ruins.
MEANWHILE... OUTSIDE THE BEAR.
Phillips: Well that must've sucked for you.
Magnus: Shut up. They ruined my announcement, but I won't let that ruin our show. We’re kicking it off with the Guns Tag Team Champions!
The lights drop down so that only the entranceway and the ring are illuminated as a deep, throaty, laugh not unlike that of Lemmy of Motorhead gargles over the PA system. However, just as soon as it started it is replaced by the treble-busting vocals of Freddy Mercury of Queen dropping a red hot ballad on y’all. Specifically, “Play the Game” by Queen. As the song persists, “The Mental Killer” Kris “Triple Quake” Quake and “The Corn Snake” Randy Angel- better known as Off the Wagon- walk out. Well, walk is being generous, Randy is stumbling drunk- still drinking from a flask- and Quake’s walk is more of a waddle since he appears to be trying to flex all several of his muscles at the same time. In Triple Quake’s right hand is a Stacker-2-based cocktail and in his left is a bottle of chewable vitamins. They slowly and sloppily make their way down to the ring. Upon entering it, Randy Angel goes up to a turnbuckle and throws up the referee sign for “field goal” and Quake goes to the apron. Suddenly we’re bathed in way too many strobe lights while Triple Quake pours the vitamins into his mouth and chews, then drowns them in the cocktail. If you think this is probably not healthy at all- don’t worry because he SPITS THEM OUT ALL OVER! It looks like vomit as he makes an angry face and flexes at the crowd but whatever before each grabbing a mic.
Magnus: I love when they are here.
Phillips: You just love their entrance video.
Magnus: Yes, yes I do. They dance so funny.
Quake and Randy look around at the crowd and wait for the buzz to die down before lifting the mic.
Quake: Are you ready?
Randy: He said are you ready?
Quake: I said are you ready?!
Randy: Because we’re ready, ready for more competition.
Quake: That’s right. This weekend we cleaned up at the J-Rok awards, and we’ve already dominated the tag division here.
Randy: That’s right. We’ve dominated to the point no one is left.
Quake: So we’re out here because we are taking on any and all comers.
Randy: That’s right we…
Heavy: 🎵’Cause I'm back
Yes, I'm back
Well, I'm back
Yes, I'm back
Well, I'm back, back🎵
Evil: That’s right my friends we’re back, and we’ve come for our titles.
Heavy-Metal and Evil Borg show up in the entrance way and the crowd goes wild. The inaugural GUNS Tag Team Champions stand in the entrance way locking eyes with Off the Wagon.
Quake: What on earth could you two want.
Evil: You said you were taking all comers, and we came. And we'll keeping coming until we're all over those belts again! So you got a challenge coming at your face right here, isn't that what you wanted?
Randy: Yeah, we do want challengers. Tell ‘em what we meant Mental Killer.
Quake: We wanted challengers to run a gauntlet to earn a shot at these titles.
Evil: But we never lost those titles! You should just be handing them over! But at the very least, we’re owed a match!
Quake: And you’ll get one, once you beat all the teams we’ve beat starting next episode of the Gun Show!
Quake tosses his mic and the two teams stare down each other before security comes out and gets between the two teams before anything happens.
Magnus: I didn’t approve a match.
Phillips: Are you going to get in there and tell him no?
Magnus: No, no I’m not.
As security forces the returning Borgs to the bag we cut away to the next scene.
The Lights begin to flicker in the GUNS Arena as a droning sound pierces the ear drums of the viewers. Especially those with headphones or earbuds. The noise starts low, but soon grows into a loud rumble of moaning and crying. The lights start to flicker more, almost as if in a strobe effect.
Phillips: What’s going on with the lights and that weird noise?
Magnus: I don’t know. Did you forget to turn off your bluetooth again?
Phillips: Ye- wait a minute, that’s not it! Did you pay the electric bill for this place?
Magnus: Of course i did… n’t.
The lights soon turn out as the noise becomes unbearable. Not even the many great bears of GUNS could take it anymore. We see flashes of mutilated animals mixed with faceless egg headed beings surrounding a fire chanting something.
The lights come back on now, we see the ring filled with these grotesque creatures. Just these bald headed freaks of nature. Their heads look like humpty dumpty from puss in boots, you know the movie. They begin to scream as blood comes out of their mouths and smoke surrounds the arena.
On the stage we see a chair rise from the smoke. In it is the man thing that’s been plaguing the network for a few months now. He sits in his throne as more of those weird egg headed beings appear on the stage and lift his chair up. We start to hear a very distorted I Am The Walrus play in the background as it makes its way to the ring. The lyrics gargle out of the speakers as the guitars pierce the viewers ears and the bass goes through the soul. The song becomes more and more distorted as he gets closer to the ring.
The feed begins to contort and mess up as well. The closer he gets the more wacky the sight becomes. We see flashes of things related to the song. As the song changes so does the screen. The tentacles on the Octopus headed being begin to move as the song continues. He eventually makes it to the ring as the lyrics blare out. He spreads his hands out as the words “I Am The Walrus” play out. Standing in the middle of the ring he soaks in the rest of the song as it continues to distort into something unrecognizable.
The Octopus headed man stands in the ring surrounded by his army of egg headed beings. Staring into the camera. His eyes glow as he soaks it all in. after what feels like hours we hear something.
Ǐ̴̤͇͘ ̸͚̜̇ä̶͕́̂m̵̦̠̓ ̸̩̒͒Ṙ̷̝̻î̴̫g̵̼̱̾̉b̷̼̔ỹ̸͖ͅ ̶͈̭̉Ė̴̤d̸̻̭̃̚i̵̡̇̑s̷̙̭̑o̷̙̤̿͂n̷̰̐ ̸͖̽à̵̬̻̀n̶͎͈͝d̸̺̀ ̶͚͐y̵̛͍̅o̷͇͝ų̴̛̪͑ ̶͒ͅa̴̗͆̃ͅr̷̗̰͒ẻ̷̩͔ ̴̢̺͐̀ȃ̴͇l̵͕̍l̶̝̉̍ ̷̹̹̌̏ḍ̸̢͋̍ĕ̵̝̳͑a̷͖̿d̷̝͋̊.̶̼͋̽
B̶͉̌e̸͒͘ͅc̷̍̑͜a̷̰͔̾ù̵̻͖s̶͙͂̚e̸̪͛ ̷̠͌̎I̴̮̖̍̒ ̷̢̈́̍A̷̱͗M̵̢̳̊ ̴͙̩͝T̶̢̝͌̄H̶̲̤̅Ẹ̶̓͝ ̶̹̞͂͝W̶̧̭͊̕Ạ̸͗L̵̫̀R̸̯̓̊U̴̜̦͌Ṣ̸͉̌ ̸̗̏á̵̤̇n̶͕͋̃ͅď̴̹̚ ̷̲̙͐ḻ̴̏o̴̢̊v̷̳̕ẻ̸͇͐ ̸͖̻̽͠w̸̮̝̑́i̷̦͂l̸̡̛̝̀ḽ̵̮̽͛ ̴̡͂̇t̵͕͊̈́a̸̲̲͗̈k̴͕̋͘e̴̼͎̋̄ ̶̛̩͚y̶̠̚o̵͕͓̓u̶̗͌̓ ̶̎͜a̷̦͕̔̈l̷̛͕l̴̼̅͗.̸̥̣͊
S̴̭̻͒ö̷͎́ỏ̸̤ń̵̲̔ ̶̹̮̓ý̶̥̠͝o̴͚̮̾̕û̴̖̝ ̴̠̑̾ẃ̴̝̻͌ǐ̴̹̖͗l̸̞̑̚l̴̦̰͐ ̴͍͚̈̄s̸̤̓ȇ̸̜͝ȇ̶̪̓ ̶̘͋̽j̸͉͗u̸͉͠s̶̛̤͌t̷͙̜̋͊ ̶̤̊h̶̝̤͒͂ö̶̹́w̴̨͍̑ ̶͓̙͋b̷̲̱͂ǎ̶̛̪d̶͕͐̿ ̸̫͠y̷̻̮̔ó̴̧u̶͙͝ ̷̙̐͂a̸̼̯̒̓r̶͝͝ͅe̷̥͎͝.̸̠̒ ̶̡̆̔N̷̤̔e̸̠̎x̷̻̙̆͝ṱ̶̳́ ̷̨̳̉s̶͕̘͛̉h̴͓͛o̷̮̭̐͊w̶͇̉̆ ̵̗̾s̶̛̱̞ô̸̧͘m̴̬̐̎e̵̝͜͠o̷̮̰̓͗n̷͓̰̐͘ë̷͍́̆ ̶͇̽w̶͉̗̾̚ï̷͓l̸̰̯͒͝l̷̮̱̆ ̸̭̺͑̇ḽ̴̉̒ě̴̗͎a̶̬̔͠ŗ̵̺̓n̶̙͑ ̶̹̈́̆͜t̸̯̀̾h̵̪͒͆e̷̻̚ ̵͓͋̍h̷̫̚ä̶̮̭́̕ŗ̶̿d̸͇̱̈́͆ ̶̱͛̚w̶̻̆̕á̷̺̭͝y̵̜̑ͅ,̵̤̔ ̷̲̂͋j̷͎̫̏̅u̵̧̇́s̶̞͇͊̕t̸̜̮̊̐ ̷̛̥͚h̴̻͇̒͐o̵̢͈̕ẁ̶̰ ̵̹̫͋m̸͍̑͋u̶̝͒̎c̸̺̈͘h̴̛͔͎̾ ̵́ͅl̷̘̼͊o̴͈̖͒́v̷̝̌ȅ̸̺ ̷̩̆ĉ̸̯́á̷̧̺n̶̑ͅ ̸͚̄͑d̸̬̫̓o̷̗͝.̷̦̥̀
The lights go back out again and as if he wasn’t even there to begin with, he’s gone like dust in the wind.
Magnus: What was that?
Phillips: What was what?
Magnus: That video.
Phillips: What video?
Magnus: Damn it Tom stop flirting with that lady in the front row and do your job.
“Big Dick” by Little Big begins playing as “Guttertrash” Greg Adkins walks out from the back with the fake Phoenix championship over his head like it were the real thing.
Phillips: What’s he doing? I thought when we got Redmond back that he would go away.
Magnus: Greg and I…have an agreement.
Phillips: What kind of an agreement?
Magnus: One that you shouldn’t ask about.
Greg Adkins makes his way down to the ring and hands the belt to the referee to show to the crowd. Greg gets a microphone with a wide grin, even as the crowd boos him without mercy.
Greg Adkins: Hey, Greg Adkins here. Your REAL Phoenix champion. No, after I showed that Joe Ghaven who was boss last time, I thought I would bring about a more brutal challenger to the ring for my next defense. You people will be like Redmond who?
Greg hands the microphone back to the announcer, who promptly asks him who he is announcing. Greg snatches the mic back with a laugh.
Greg Adkins: Oh, I forgot to let you people know who I was going to face in the ring!
Screen goes static, adverting the audience’s attention as Greg’s attention to the stage area.
♫ You are wrong, fucked, and overrated
I think I'm gonna be sick and it's your fault
This is the end of everything ♫
“Everything Ends” by Slipknot rips through the arena and the crowd goes wild!
Phillips: Jesse Jamester? He’s defending against Jesse Jamester? That’s fantastic!
Magnus: Depends. We got any B positive in the back? I’m thinking that Greg is going to need it.
Greg hands the microphone back to the announcer and slides out of the ring. He reaches under the ring to pull out a life-sized cutout of Jesse Jamester that he slides into the ring. He follows and sets up the fake JJ in the middle of the ring. The cheering that the fans have been doing has turned to boos.
Phillips: Should have known that there would have been some kind of catch.
Magnus: Whatever works.
Greg Adkins: Oh, I’m so afraid of the great Jesse Jamester. What will I ever do? Oh I know.
Greg runs to the ropes and bounces back toward the cutout that he spears to the mat. He mounts the cardboard cutout and begins wailing on it with lefts and rights. He pulls the head up and bites into the cardboard ear of the cutout. He tears away the ear, chews it up, and spits it out.
Phillips: How is this even a match?
Magnus: That’s JJ there in the ring.
Phillips: A cut out of him.
Magnus: Technicality.
Greg jumps to his feet and begins jumping up and down on the cut out.
Greg Adkins: I am the REAL Phoenix champion and there’s nothing that can stop-
“Everything Ends” by Slipkot blares over the sound system of the arena. Green and white lights to flicker down on a circle near the entrance. Out steps the long haired grizzly vet, Jesse Jamester. Dressed in his black tights, knee brace on his left leg visible, white boots with black laces, with signature pistols on each boot, and pistols crossing on his crotch with the initials "JJ" between them. Fists taped up, black elbow pad on his right arm, the tattooed and scars visible from neck to abdomen. Jesse Jamester takes his walk to the ring, soaking in the crowd. As he approaches the ring side area, he steps up on the second step of the ring steps, cracking his neck, shrugging the shoulders, he grabs the middle rope and steps between them, gliding into the ring in a fluid motion. He throws his fists up for a fight, before raising both arms up over his head as he leans on the ropes facing the fans. Music begins to fade out.
Greg stands in the ring, his jaw left hanging open. He looks to the crowd, who are cheering madly. He looks to the ref, who shrugs as he kicks the cut out from the ring.
Greg Adkins: This can’t be happening. I’m not exactly ready for..
Jesse Jamester turns around with a wide grin.
Jesse Jamester: You wanted me to come down to the ring to fight you. Did you not?
Greg starts hyperventilating, backing away from Jesse.
Greg Adkins: I don’t know about this. Why don’t we start with this?
Greg runs up and aims a kick right between the legs of Jesse. This kick is blocked and Jesse levels Greg with a lariat.
Jesse Jamester: Let’s make this interesting.
Greg Adkins sits up and looks to the ring entrance with wide eyes where lizard costumed ring hands push a dumpster door to the ring. A dumpster full of goodies that all happen to be wrapped in barbed wire. Jesse just looks down at Greg and smiles.
Jesse Jamester: Shall we begin?
Greg Adkins: Mommy…
Greg Adkins’ XHF Faunix Championship
Greg Adkins vs Jesse Jamester
Jesse kicks Greg square in the face to knock him back down to the mat and reaches over the reopens into the dumpster to grab a kendo stick…wrapped in barbed wire. He rushes at the rising Greg Adkins and bashes him in the side of the face with it, the barbs tearing open flesh that spray blood for a hot second before trickling down onto his chest. Greg spins from the impact, dropping back down to his knees. Jesse brings the kendo stick across Greg’s back, tearing through clothing and flesh with the barbs.
Phillips: Now this is where Greg should just tap out and let Jesse have the fake title.
Magnus: He says it’s the real title. Think he should give up now?
Phillips: This is going to get messy. Isn’t it?
Magnus: That’s why I called down to check for B positive.
Greg rolls away from Jesse Jamester, but rolls directly out of the ring and into the dumpster. A wail of pain is heard as he lands in all of the equipment covered with barbed wire.
Phillips: That’s going to leave a mark.
Magnus: Just a little one.
Jesse Jamester walks over to the side of the ring with the dumpster. He grabs the top rope and leans over to see down into the dumpster. That’s when a barbed wire glass ball hits him in the face and explodes! Jesse staggers backwards a few steps, his hands to his eyes. Greg Adkins stands up in the dumpster and rolls back into the ring with a barbed wire wrapped hockey stick. Greg slowly walks around to stand behind Jesse and smashes him across the back with the hockey stick a few times, making sure to drag the barbed wire down his back to open deep cuts. Jesse sounds around, catching the hockey stick in his hand. He grits his teeth as blood trickles down his arm from the barbed wire piercing his hand. He struggles with the hockey stick briefly before he sends the stick back into Greg’s face, cutting him open and bursting his nose. This gets Greg to release the hockey stick.
Jesse drops the stick to the mat, and brings Greg down onto it with a Russian leg sweep. He rolls over onto Greg and goes for the cover!
One
Tw-Jesse Jamester jumps off of Greg with a shout of indignation.
Phillips: Why did Jesse break the pinfall?
Magnus: Why do you think?
Phillips: Greg stuck a finger in his butt.
Magnus: Exactly.
Jesse picks up the kendo stick wrapped in barbed wire and brings it down across Greg’s body over and over again, breaking the kendo stick apart in the process. Jesse breathes heavily as he looks at the broken kendo stick and down at the bloody Greg for a moment before he slides out of the ring to the dumpster. He reaches in and begins throwing objects into the ring. A barbed wire chair, a barbed wire kitchen sink, a barbed wire baseball bat, a barbed wire dildo, and a barbed wire flat screen television. He rolls back into the ring as Greg is slow to get to his feet. He grabs the barbed wire flat screen and shatters the screen across Greg’s head. He tosses the broken tv from the ring, grabs Greg, and whips him into the corner so that Greg spears through the top and middle turnbuckles to slam his shoulder into the ring post!
Phillips: You would think that someone got a little mad at being touched.
Magnus: If he touched your no-no square too, you’d be pissed.
Jesse picks up the barbed wire dildo and raises it into the air to the cheering from the crowd. He walks over to Greg, who is in a very vulnerable position, and grabs the hem of his wrestling shorts with one hand. He looks to the crowd. They approve of this madness! Jesse gets the shorts down Greg’s ankles and slaps his ass with the dildo, the barbed cutting open his skin.
Jesse Jamester: You want to penetrate other people. See how it feels…
Jesse places one hand onto Greg’s back and is getting ready to shove the barbed wire dildo where the sun don’t shine when Greg does a donkey kick with both feet that manages to find Jesse in the crotch to double the murder lizard over. Greg pulls himself out of the corner, ducks below Jesse’s head and straightens up to whip headbutt Jesse in the face with the back of his head! This impact sends Jesse back to the middle of the ring where he lands on the barbed wire steel chair, blood flying from his nose and mouth in a high arc. The dildo is kicked from the ring by Greg before he pulls his trunks back up to where they belong.
Phillips: Both men severely bleeding at this point. I don’t know if it’s a good idea to continue.
Magnus: You are right. I’m going to call about Jesse’s blood type. I mean, we should have it on file.
Greg picks up the barbed wire baseball bat and slowly begins to unravel the barbed wire from it. He takes the barbed wire and wraps it around his right forearm before going to the ropes. Jesse Jamester gets up and Greg comes at him with a forearm strike that he rubs across the side of Jesse’s face, knocking Jesse back down to the mat.
Greg stands for a moment, panting and enjoying his moment of glory before standing by Jesse’s head.
Phillips: What’s he doing? No!
Magnus: You know what he’s doing. He’s going for the cover!
Greg teabags down onto Jesse’s face before placing two hands onto Jesse’s chest for the cover! The referee gets into position.
One
Two
Thr-Greg breaks the pinfall with a high pitched scream and tries to get away from Jesse’s head, but cannot. Jesse has Greg by the jewels with his teeth!
Greg Adkins: Get him off of me! Get him off of me! For the love of God!
Jesse releases Greg, who rolls away from him and curls up into a ball.
Phillips: That was-
Magnus: Epic?
Phillips: I hope Jesse has mouthwash handy.
Magnus: That goes without saying.
Jesse rolls from the ring and walks over to the timekeeper’s table where he grabs the fake Phoenix championship and rolls into the ring. He’s about to bash Greg with the title belt when he feels it.
Jesse Jamester: This is a toy championship belt! Are you having me fight for some fake title? What kind of hokey-dokey bullshit are you getting at Greg!?
With that, Jesse rips the belt in half, breaking the main plate. He throws both halves of the belt down and rolls out of the ring where he starts heading up the aisle. Greg is slow to stand up, bleeding from many wounds (and down his trunk legs). He breathes heavily as if to gather his strength.
Greg Adkins: I didn’t hear no bell.
Jesse Jamester: Let the ref count. I ain’t fucking with no fake ass title.
The ref does indeed begin to count Jesse out and once he gets to ten, he signals for the bell to be rung. Greg looks down at his beloved fake Phoenix title, his dreams of pretending to be the real Phoenix champion instead of Redmond Fury crushed.
Greg Adkins: I will find you, Jesse! I will find you wherever you may go and I will fuck you up! You thought that Spike Kane and Dylan Black could get down and dirty? You haven’t seen the last of me!
At the entrance stage, Jesse Jamester turns around with a smile on his face.
Jesse Jamester: I’m not hard to find. Seek me out again and we’ll do this for real!
Greg is panting heavier now, his hand going to the side of his head.
Greg Adkins: I…will destroy you!
Greg falls to his knees, faint from blood loss.
Greg Adkins: I…I…will end you!
The referee signals to the back for EMTs as Greg collapses onto the mat.
Phillips: Well, we have the actual Phoenix champion coming on next.
Magnus: Just as soon as we get things cleaned up. Jesse and Greg left quite the mess in toys and blood.
Phillips: Too right. We are sorry, but we will have to take a commercial break. We will be back.
Magnus: GUNS!
Handlers walk UrsusLa down the aisle to the theme “Cobrastyle” by the Teddybears, careful to make sure no fans get within arms length of the bloodthirsty beast.
Phillips: Up next fans we have the NEW Fauenix Title match. That isn’t the Fauenix title that was held by Wombat before his accident, but a NEW one created to replace it, which was won by Colossus Rhodes at Supremacy when neither Dinosaur Bones nor Quake could continue.
Magnus: Rhodes isn’t even on the roster. The nerve of this guy.
Phillips: He is scary.
Magnus: Which is the only reason I haven’t asked him to leave. But this time I think he’s bitten off more than he can chew. At least I hope it’s enough for UrsusLa to chew!
The theme music from Phantasm plays, as the intimidating figure of Colossus Rhodes makes his way down the aisle with championship belt in hand.
Phillips: Rhodes is the only wrestler we’ve seen completely manhandle Redmond Fury. No easy feat.
Magnus: But against UrsusLa? He’s dealing with an extra ton of muscle!
DING! DING! DING!
Magnus: And they’re off!
Phillips: UrsusLa seems disinterested in the match, like she wasn’t actually a wrestling bear but just a regular bear that might be more inclined to eat people.
Magnus: I assure you that bear has passed as many state athletic commission wrestling certifications as all the other members of our bear division.
Phillips: That’s what I’m afraid of.
Irritated by the lack of cooperation on the bear’s part, Rhodes fires off some big boots to the midsection, trying to coax it into action. UrsusLa responds with growls and paw strikes, but Rhodes side steps them. As the bear starts to scratch its nails against a ring post, Rhodes slaps it in the back of the head. This is enough to get a reaction. Standing on its hind legs, the bear turns meeting Rhodes in the centre of the ring.
Magnus: There’s the lock-up.
Phillips: Test of strength! Damn – Rhodes actually holding his own.
Magnus: But for how long? Squash him like a bug, UrsusLa!
The two stagger back and forth teasing which is stronger, finally Rhodes nails a vicious headbutt. UrsusLa responds with a bite, but Rhodes is able to duck it, avoiding decapitation. The two start to hook-up again, only for Rhodes to catch UrsusLa with an elbow strike, and then twist around the large beast for a waistlock.
Phillips: Rhodes behind going for a- name?
Magnus: Belly-to-back suplex-
Phillips: A suplex, but he can’t get the bear over.
Magnus: Still, using it to control position – avoiding those death-dealing jaws!
Hanging onto the torso, Rhodes brings up some knees to UrsusLa’s kidneys, which seem to register. It’s human diet apparently leaving the beast in questionable health. As another big knee causes it to weaken, Rhodes slides down, taking the lesser monster over with a drop toehold. Before the bear can react, Rhodes is on its back with a guillotine chokehold.
MEANWHILE... INSIDE A BEAR.
Match joined in progress.
Like Rhodes on the outside, Sphinx has Fury in a chokehold.
Fury: We just want to- get- through- the- door-
Sphinx: If you want to pass my gate, answer this riddle-
Wanting no part of these riddles, Fury T-Bone suplexes Sphinx into a mucus covered wall. Waiting a safe distance from the brawl, Shockmaster sees his opportunity to sneak through, only to slip onto a pulsating sack, which inflates another sack, which launches Sphinx into the air – where he hits Fury with a flying shining wizard. One! Two! Fury gets a shoulder up.
Sphinx: When is a door not a do-
Fury has enough core strength that he is able to sit-up with a bicycle kick that knocks Sphinx off of him. Fury then fires off a few forearm shots, before pulling Sphinx into a Buckeye Breaker. One! Two! The count is broken as the cavern starts shaking.
Shockmaster: Is that the Dino?
Dirty Byrd: No, just the cage. I suspect the bear is having a tough go of things.
Sphinx: I am my father’s son, but brothers-
Before Sphinx can bust out another riddle, Fury throws him into the ceiling with a gorilla press. The shaking continues-
“ R E D M O N D – “
Redmond Fury: Hello?
Dirty Byrd: Something wrong, Red?
Redmond Fury: Did you hear that?
Everyone looks at Fury like he’s nuts, except for Sphinx who drops down from the ceiling with a double stomp. Sphinx continues to kick away, while Fury attempts to cover up.
“A R E Y O U T H E R E?”
Redmond Fury (blocking kicks to the face): Who is this?
“IT’S TINA.”
Redmond Fury (takes a few kicks to the crotch): I’m... sorry miss... but I don’t know a Tina.
“MY RING PERSONA IS URSUSLA.”
Redmond Fury: Nice to formally meet you, Tina.
“SORRY ABOUT EATING YOU.”
Redmond Fury: These things happen.
Fury grabs Sphinx foot and stands to pull him into the Buckeye Limb Cleaver, when the area shakes again.
MEANWHILE... OUTSIDE THE BEAR.
At ringside, Colossus Rhodes throws UrsusLa into the steel steps so hard that he dislodges them. Before the bear can react, Rhodes is on top of it, ramming the dislodged stairs into the beast’s side.
Phillips: Rhodes seems to have discovered UrsusLa’s weakness. The key to victory is not getting eaten.
Magnus: She seems distracted; I wonder where her head’s at.
MEANWHILE... INSIDE THE BEAR.
“I WAS VERY CONFUSED AT THE TIME.”
Redmond Fury: Being used as an interdimensional prison, I’d be confused too. It shows great patience on your part that you’ve devoured as few wrestlers as you have, miss.
Fury is holding Sphinx in a headlock while communicating with the inner voice of the beast. Dirty Byrd and Shockmaster watch on in horror, unable to hear the bear, and pretty sure that their ticket out of this hell has lost his mind.
“THAT IS VERY KIND OF YOU TO SAY. I FELT JUST AWFUL ABOUT IT. SO EMBARASSING. HAVE YOU HAD ANY LUCK FINDING AN EXIT?”
Redmond Fury: We’re working on it. But what can I do for you?
Sphinx nails a low blow, and then grabs a fistful of green veins, which he wraps around Fury’s throat, choking him.
“THEY HAVE ME WRESTLING, AND I’M REALLY MORE OF AN OLD SCHOOL VALET THAN AN IN-RING PERFORMER. EYE CANDY. SO I’M KIND OF OUT OF MY ELEMENT.”
Fury (being choked): I- m- sur- u- do- fine.
The cavern shakes violently again.
MEANWHILE... OUTSIDE THE BEAR.
The steel steps have been thrown into the middle of the ring as a hard surface. Muscling the bear back into the ring, Colossus Rhodes rams the beast’s head into the steps with a running bulldog. He then hoists it up for a bodyslam onto the steel.
Phillips: Rhodes just going to town on that bear, he promised to euthanize it.
MEANWHILE... INSIDE A BEAR.
“CAN YOU GIVE ME ANY ADVICE?”
Dirty Byrd checks on Fury who is blue in the face, and almost unconscious from Sphinx’s choke. Another big exterior bump throws the three men up in the air; Fury manages to loosen the chords from his mouth. Sphinx tries for an eye gouge, but Fury manages to matrix under and hit a backflip knee strike.
Redmond Fury: Don’t worry Tina-
When they land on the ground, Fury pulls Sphinx into a spinning DDT.
Redmond Fury: We’ll get you through this.
Dirty Byrd: You been drinking, Red?
MEANWHILE... OUTSIDE THE BEAR.
Colossus Rhodes repeatedly brings the steel steps down on the bear’s kidney.
Phillips: Referee Ty Thorton threatening a disqualification, but Rhodes doesn’t care, he’d just retain.
Magnus: No, Rhodes won’t be happy unless they take that bear out of here in a body bag! Does he have any idea how much those things cost?
Phillips: Rhodes earlier claiming that Fury was alive and well and living inside UrsusLa – and trying to put a stop to that arrangement.
Magnus: See? He’s a crackhead! No wonder we didn’t sign him to a contract.
Rhodes hits the bear with his Darkside Messenger.
Phillips: UrsusLa is out, and Rhodes lifting her up for one more-
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
Magnus: Wait, did she?
Phillips: She just hit a PECTORAL POP! And there’s another! Rhodes staggers into the ropes, charging back, nope, URSUSLA WITH A PEC-PLEX! She’s hulking up!
Magnus: I don’t believe it!
Phillips: URSUSLA IS CHANNELLING THE SPIRIT OF REDMOND FURY!
The crowd go wild as the grizzly bear starts posing for a GUN SHOW, then unloading on the malevolent giant with a series of bicep shots.
Phillips: URSUSLA IS GOING WILD! NO EASY FEAT FOR A BEAR THAT IS PRONE TO EATING PEOPLE!
Magnus: BIG BACKDROP! Rhodes quickly up to his feet gets thrown up in the air with another!
Phillips: Rhodes fights back with a knee to those bruised kidneys, and tries to pull her into a- checking notes- Helios Overdrive. NOPE!
UrsusLa blocks the driver, and reverses it into a Buckeye Breaker – dropping Rhodes on the steel steps. As the giant holds his back in pain, UrsusLa points at the far corner, much to the crowd’s approval.
Magnus: What is this? We have a stacked line-up still to come; she’ll break the damn ring-
Phillips: URSUSLA GOING UP TOP-
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
Phillips: MOONSAULT!!!
ONE!
TWO!
THREE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Magnus: What did we just witness?
DING! DING! DING!
Announcer: The winner of this contest, and NEW – NEW Fauenix Champion,
URSUSLA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Surprisingly big pop given that she has murdered at least Fury, Wombat, and Steve Awesome Matuziak.
Phillips: Is that the third or forth Phoenix title?
Magnus: I tell you, we’re getting more belts than J-ROK. Still more credible though.
Phillips: When Colossus revives from that two-ton moonsault, heads will roll.
The referee tries to hand Ursusla the championship belt, only for her to try to bite him.
MEANWHILE... INSIDE THAT BEAR.
“WE DID IT, REDMOND! THANK YOU SO MUCH!”
Redmond Fury: It was all you, Tina, but happy to hel-
Sphinx Sphincter nails Fury across the neck with a double axehandle chop. Sphinx tries to lock on The Riddle of Reflux, only for Fury to take his head off with a lariat.
Redmond Fury: Congratulations Tina!
“THANKS REDMOND! PLEASE BE CAREFUL, AND I HOPE YOU GET OUT OF THERE SOON!”
Redmond Fury: Will d-
Sphinx charges in with a spear, but Fury puts the breaks on and drops him with a Muscle Tsunami.
ONE!
TWO!
THREE!
Dirty Byrd: The winner of this match and STILL XHF PHEONIX CHAMPION, Red!
No sooner has the Sphinx been silenced, and the door opened up, then a dozen refugees from Teddingham start hobbling through it.
Redmond Fury: Are you alright?
XHF Brooklyn Brawler: Yoos gotta run! Dat skeleton raptor is right on ours tails!
“RAAAAAAAAAAAAWR!”
The sound of a Godzilla size Dinosaur Bones does seem to be drawing nearer. Picking up the unconscious Sphinx, Redmond starts to follow the crowd out.
Dirty Byrd: Who were you talking to, Red?
Redmond Fury: Our host. She seemed remarkably pleasant and level heading, considering the circumstances.
Byrd and Shockmaster give each other puzzled looks. Sadly looking away from where he’s walking causes Shockmaster to fall through another wall.
MEANWHILE, OUTSIDE A BEAR.
Magnus: Next up is the Junior Heavyweight Championship match.
Phillips: I’ve been meaning to ask, how did this match come about?
Magnus: We’ll, it was a couple weeks ago…
Magnus: And I guess Nelly put his own name down, and so we got this match.
Phillips: And the champion is already in the ring ready to go, but he’s alone. I thought he had a stable.
Magnus: Oh I banned Sky Force from the arena. They’ve got beef with our tag champs and I don’t want to lose that sweet Super Sake money.
Phillips: What about Florida Man?
Magnus: He's too busy trying to pull a man out of a bear.
"Rip it Up" by Jet hits as the crowd gets on their feet. Nelly Angel comes out, pumped for his match. His brother Randy Angel follows him out to the ring along with his partner Kris Quake. Nelly tries to wave them both off and takes off down the ramp, sliding into the ring when he gets there, but his friends don’t leave and follow. He's ready for a hot match!
Phillips: So you’ve banned the stuffed cats team, but Nelly get the tag champs?
Magnus: That’s a real cat sir.
Phillips: Sure it is.
XHF Junior Heavyweight Championship Match
Charles (c) vs Nelly Angel
In the ring Nelly stares Charles up and down, but the squeaky clean Nelly doesn’t know what to do with a stuffed cat. He turns to the ref and begins asking him what to do. The ref shrugs his shoulders and the two begin a conversation. While the ref is distracted Randy sneaks into the ring. He picks up Charles and waves to his brother before punting the cat 10 rows deep into the crowd. Randy quickly slides back out of the ring just before the ref turns back around. The ref looks wildly for the Champion, but cannot locate the cat. Nelly points to the tenth row where an excited fan is holding Charles in the air. The ref starts making the ten count.
Magnus: I think Randy thinks he was helping, but his brother can’t win the title on a count out.
Phillips: You’d think such an accomplished wrestler like Randy would know better, but I don’t think he’s been sober in years so maybe he doesn’t.
As the ref slowly makes his count the crowd reacts by crowd surfing the Sky Force member towards the ring. He reaches the front row as the count reaches 6 and a fan in the front row launches him back in the ring. The champ hits the ring and rolls a bit before coming to a halt. Nelly looks down at him still unsure what to do. The ref looks to Nelly and begins to ask him how Charles ended up in the crowd. Nelly, not a great liar, just shrugs. The ref is reading him the riot act when Kris Quake slides in the ring, and like Randy before him, picks up the Junior Heavyweight Champion and punts him harder than his tag partner sending Charles into the twentieth row. The ref turns back just seconds too late as Quake is back on the outside and Charles again is nowhere to be found. This time Nelly plays dumb like he didn’t see where Charles went. The ref looks around and finally located the champ and again begins the count.
Magnus: Quake should know better. That man has won multiple singles and tag championships. He knows the rules.
Phillips: Either he doesn’t or doesn’t care if his reluctant stablemate wins.
Again the crowd is eager to see the fan favorite retain the right way so they begin crowd surfing the champ back again. It’s taking longer this time due to the distance, but the crowd tosses the cat in right as the ref reaches nine on the count. Again the ref admonishes Nelly knowing he must have part in what’s going on. Nelly explains he doesn’t want to win by count out so why would he be apart of this. The ref doesn’t agree and begins waving his finger in Nelly’s face. While this is going on Randy again slides in the ring and grabs his brother’s opponent. This time he kicks the champ sky high into the air. The champ nearly hits the rafters and begins tumbling back down towards Nelly.
Magnus: This could be disaster.
Phillips: The champ is gaining speed fast.
Magnus: If he lands this amazing high flying move on Nelly this could be the end.
Phillips: Amazing high flying move? He was punted at least thirty feet in the air.
Magnus: You’re right, if he lands the highest of high flying moves.
Charles plummets towards the mat from on high and Nelly in the ring is none the wiser. Charles high flying techniques seem to be locked in on the target, but at the last moment Randy yells at his brother causing him to turn towards his brother. This causes Charles to miss and fall right in front of his opponent. Nelly shugs and lays down on the champion. The referee drops down and makes the count.
Winner and NEW XHF Junior Heavyweight Champion: Nelly Angel
Phillips: Wow, that is a big win for GUNS
Magnus: Ugh, this means I have to treat Nelly like a real wrestler.
While Magnus has a crisis over if it is a good or a bad thing that Nelly won the Junior Heavyweight Championship we cut to the locker room where El Rey is taping up his wrists when the door swings open. El Rey looks up and his eyes get big and then he dismissively rolls his eyes. The camera pans out to see Venom, El Rey’s father, standing in front of him.
El Rey: What do you want.
Venom walks over to his son, reaches down and lifts up his sons’ chin to get eye contact.
Venom: I’ve been gone too long. A lot has changed. I just wanted to tell you…
Venom chokes up a bit as El Rey’s face is full of disdain.
Venom: …I’m proud of you.
Venom turns and exits the locker room leaving the young man confused. The approval he's been searching for is finally his, but he doesn't seem happy about it.
Phillips: Venom is back and he's, proud?, of his son.
Magnus: Looks like it. Good to see one of the XHFs best back.
Phillips: Yeah, and the founder of this company. What does that mean for you?
Magnus: Next up is our dream match.
Phillips: Just gonna ignore that huh?
Magnus: ...
Backstage, UrsusLa looks worse for wear from her Colossus beating. Several veterinarians / paramedics attempt to check on her, but are concerned about being eaten. Finally an animal control expert enters the space, and shoots her with a tranquilizer gun.
URSUSLA: RAWWWWWW.
The bear passes out.
The animal control expert puts down his tranquilizer gun, to check on the doped up beast.
A fatal mistake.
Florida Man: You fine folks don’t need to trouble yourselves, I gots this.
Entering frame, Florida Man picks up the tranquilizer gun. Moments later, FML uses it to shoot the paramedics, then the animal control expert. The three slump to the floor unconscious.
Production Assistant: Has anyone seen Charl*
You’d better believe Florida Man pumps him full of animal tranquilizer too.
Referee Ty Thorton: Oh my, what ha*
Another body hits the floor. Florida Man even tranquilizes himself, not that he’d ever pass out, FML is immune to consequences, but to get a buzz on.
Florida Man: Now to get some evidence that THAT BITCH MAGNUS murdered his husband and fed him to a bear.
Gazoo: Top notch crime fighting skills, Flo.
Florida Man: I tell you, I’d be Sherlock Holmes if it weren’t for my amazing Magnum P.I. ‘stache.
Opening up the sleeping Grizzly Bear’s maw, Florida Man shoves his arm down it.
Gazoo: Are you sure that’s safe?
Florida Man: Natch. My Senior Yearbook didn’t vote me “most likely to have his arm torn off by a grizzly while trying to search for clues in a Joe Exoticesque murder mystery” for nothin. You worry too much, Gaz.
Florida Man continues to reach around, while viewers at home wait anxiously for his arm to be torn off.
Florida Man: ‘cause if I ever did become the one armed bandit, why, we’d make a mint.
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!”
A scream! You can’t watch FML get maimed. No wait. Rather than Florida bleeding out, the scream comes from a man who’s just been torn out of the beast’ maw.
A blinding almost magical white light streams out of the mouth. The first thing that passed through it though, is far larger than opening – a half naked and quite hysterical man.
Ken out of the Box: What happened to my box?
Ken looks down at his heart covered boxing shorts. Where is the box? Turning back to the portal, Ken starts to run back in – only to be held back by Florida Man.
Florida Man: Easy there trunks, I just saved your life.
Unboxed Ken: What happened to my home? I have to go back in there.
Florida Man: No can do, trunks. I aim to fish around in this here bear until I find evidence that Magnus is a murderer, or it kills me. I don’t know how these things work, but I ain’t gonna risk you going back until after I gots what I need. So cool your dang jets.
Unboxed Ken nods in understanding, then starts running towards the mouth / portal anyway.
So Florida Man tranquilizes him.
Florida Man: There just ain’t no talking to crazy.
Gazoo: Looks like more coming this way-
MEANWHILE, INSIDE THE BEAR.
Fury and company arrive at the bottom of a mountain of fish. At the top appears to be a glowing white portal.
XHF Mantaur: Mooooooooooo-Hey everybody it looks like Moooooooongo is finally letting us free!
The XHF version of Mantaur starts climbing mount omega-3, followed by a dozen other X-Zone denizens.
Redmond Fury: What’s going on up there?
Dirty Byrd: Oh right, you came the other way. Well, that looks like our ticket out of this dive.
“RAAAAAAAAAAAAAWR!”
Dirty Byrd: ...And not a moment too soon!
Byrd and Shockmaster start racing up the jagged fish faces. Fury stops to help Sphinx over a particularly steep ledge.
Dirty Byrd: What are you doing, Red?
Redmond Fury: I have to help the stragglers make it out too.
Dirty Byrd: You’re all heart.
“RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWR!”
The growls are growing closer.
Dirty Byrd: Just hurry up!
Byrd and Shockmaster start helping Fury to lift smaller wrestlers to safer footing.
MEANWHILE, OUTSIDE THE BEAR.
The lights become dark and the titantron lights up with a feed of static, just as the opening synth beat to ‘Kingslayer’ begins to play over the speakers before the song erupts the crowd and the lights come back to life, flashing down onto the stage and even onto the crowd itself. A singular spotlight separates itself from the rest and shines down onto the entrance curtain as the lyrics kick in.
“Hi, are you looking for the other side?
Feel like nothing ever seems quite right?
Are you circling the drainpipe, getting off on pain like
You're corrupted?”
As the lyrics continue, the figure of Jason Long steps out from behind the curtain to a loud ovation, with a large smile resting on his face as he stops at the top of the ramp. The King glances down onto the camera looking up towards him, a cocky smile being given towards the camera before opening up his jacket and pushing it behind him– beginning his walk down to the ring, mouthing off to the camera as he does.
“Kingslayer, destroying castles in thе sky
Kingslayer, forevermore the apple of my eye
I'd sacrifice my life to find you, angel of the blade
Kingslayer, come and collect us from the night”
With the lights all focusing down onto the ringside area, Jason moves along the floor and hops up onto the apron - on the side where the hardcam can get a good look at him - as he leans back against the ropes before entering through the middle ropes. Jason heads into the closest corner to him and climbs up onto the second rope, looking out into the crowd as the introduction is given.
Magnus: Introducing first/And his opponent… wrestling out of Wexford Town, County Wexford, Ireland and weighing in tonight at one hundred and ninety-five pounds… HE IS THE KING OF WRESTLING... THE BEST BOUT FUCKIN' MACHINE... THIS IS JAASSOOOONNNNNNN LOOOOOONNNNNNNGGGGGGG!!!!
Just as his name is shouted down the microphone, Jason out-stetched his arms wide and roars out to the crowd, keeping a smile on his face as he does. removes his leather ring jacket and throws it down to the ringside area before hopping down off of the ropes and leaning back against the turnbuckles.
Magnus: Here comes a cocksure guy who has done almost everything there is to do.
Phillips: I’ll tell you who is cocksure.
The lights go out as the beginning of "Bow Down" by I Prevail plays through the PA system, as a circle of flames erupts on the stage. Through the flames, slowly emerges Spike Kane as he fully emerges, the song kicks in.
"GET ON YOUR KNEES AND BOW DOWN!!!"
Spike steps through the flames and heads to the ring, taking off his jacket as he prepares for a fight.
Magnus: ….and now the God of Xtreme makes his way to the ring without the theatrics for once.
Phillips: I think this is going to be an old fashioned slobberknocker.
XHF Dream Match
Jason Long vs Spike Kane
The two men stand opposite the each other in their respective corners. The referee is giving Jason Long a quick oncer over, before coming over to check Spike. The entire time the two men do not stop staring each other down. The intensity in the building feeling like it has shifted a little.
Magnus: This feels like something a little special here, don’t you think?
Phillips: Well we’ve always got something special on the GUN Show, but these two might actually tear each others heads off.
Magnus: Oh I hope not, the paperwork from the last time that ha- I mean, it’s time for the bell!
As the referee calls for the bell both Spike and Long charge at each other. The two collide in the middle of the ring and just begin to absolutely wail on each other. Lefts, rights, body blows, elbows. The two are firing off shots that would stagger others. As Spike lunges for a huge right hook, Long ducks underneath and sprints towards the ropes, as Spike turns around to catch up Jason launches himself across the ring and almost takes Spike Kane’s head off with the Blade Runner!
Magnus: Wow you were right, he nearly took Spike’s head off!
Spike rolls to his feet and is about to turn on Long, when Jason launches from his feet and hits a picture perfect dropkick pushing Spike back into the corner. Long delivers a quick few kicks to the torso of Kane before backing off while The God of Xtreme looks staggered. Jason builds up a head of steam and charges at Spike, but at the last moment Spike pops Long up and launches him into the middle of the ring with the Blood God’s Wrath!
Phillips: Oh! Stopped with impact right there.
Magnus: Just as Long was building up some steam and offence, Spike takes him down with a big move.
Spike staggers forwards with anger on his face. He places his foot on top of Jason Long and roars at the referee to count the fall. The ref drops down, but Long kicks out before he can even get to a one count. In an instant, Jason shifts his weight and grabs the ankle of Spike Kane, taking him down to the ground and locking in a variation of the anklelock.
Magnus: A pinfall ringing with disrespect-but wait!
Phillips: He’s got Spike in the ankelock! The last time Spike was in an anklelock was when Anthony Caffrey took him out of Call to Arms!
Magnus: So there’s a history?
Phillips: Well not really, but kind of.
Magnus: Doesn’t Spike use the ankelock too?
Phillips: Since about 2001 yeah….
Long wrenches the ankle hard, and Spike shouts out as he reaches for the ropes but is way too far. Kane tries to start dragging himself to the ropes, but Jason takes a step and then wraps both legs around the leg of Spike and wrenches the ankelock harder. Spike punches the mat before wildly swinging at Long - who is just out of reach. The referee drops to a knee and begins to ask Spike if he’s ready to give up.
Phillips: This could be quite an upset here. If Jason Long can pull this off!?
Magnus: It’d be a big deal that’s for sure. To take Spike down so easily?
Jason and Spike are both grimacing and straining but for clearly different reasons. Jason looks like for all intents and purposes he’s going to break the ankle of Spike Kane, but Kane just as he reaches for the ropes and realises he’s not going to be able to get there grabs the referee by the shirt and pulls him down hard onto Jason Long, forcing Long to break the hold!
Magnus: Smart move by-wait, Hey! That’s our referee!
Phillips: Finger on the button there sir.
Magnus: You know we don’t want to have to fork out for more work comps again.
Phillips: ….again?
Magnus: How do you think we feed the bears?
Kane uses the ropes to pull himself out of the ring, hopping about a bit as he tries to put weight on the ankle that Long seemed intent on destroying. With a few grimaces Spike manages to take a few steps, however, back in the ring, Jason has managed to shove the referee off of him and has spotted Spike on the outside. Long lines Spike up and he runs across the ring, jumping onto the top rope and leaping off into….BLOODY SUNDAY!!
Phillips: What!?
Magnus: How did he even!?
As Long leaps off the rings Spike grins, and spins around catching Long flush in the side of the head with the Bloody Sunday. Long crumples into a heap at ring side, and Spike falls back into the security rail, the damage to his ankle stopping him from being able to press the advantage. In a rage, but also using the table to keep his balance, Spike begins to push, shove, pull, just force everything off the announcers table.
Magnus: Hey come on! Those are my notes! How am I supposed to know which JFK product to sell!?
Spike rounds on Magnus, fire in his eyes.
Spike: I’m the JFK product you’re fucking selling!
Todd Phillips pulls Magnus away from Spike as both announcers shift away from their desk and towards the time keepers area.
Phillips: He’s like a man possessed!
Magnus: Did he just call himself a product?
Phillips: He’s not technically wrong, is he?
Still limping Spike looks around at the small dose of carnage he’s unleashed before looking down at Jason, and then back at the table. He grabs Long by the hair and drags him to the security barrier, stepping on a steel chair before stepping up onto the barrier itself.
Phillips: I’m not sure I like where this is going.
Magnus: It looks expensive.
Spike cracks his neck, soaking in the moment as he pulls Long up by his hair once more, however Jason bursts to life! He nails Spike with a wicked low blow, before in ridiculous speed he steps up onto the steel chair and slowly but surely he lifts Spike up from between the legs and….DEUS EX MACHINA THROUGH THE ANNOUNCERS TABLE!!!
Magnus: My noooooootes!
Phillip: I think I left my phone….open…..on tinder….
The camera shifts to show the absolute wreckage amongst the announcers table as Spike Kane lays among the shattered wood, with Jason Long just to the side taking big deep breaths, trying to catch it. After a few moments he begins to pull himself towards the ring, using the ring apron to pull himself up with, and then roll into the ring. He looks up to the referee, who is not counting. Long shouts up and asks why he isn’t counting, but the referee is too busy selling the “pain” from falling onto Long earlier.
Phillips: That’s some terrible officiating right there.
Magnus: Maybe, or maybe he knows the fans don’t want this to end in a count out?
With a look of disbelief, Long rolls back out of the ring and begins to pull bits of wood, and sheets of paper off of Spike Kane - however, as he does so we can see Spike Kane holding what looks to be a phone and swiping to the left furiously.
Magnus: What is he-?
Phillips: MY PHONE! MY TINDER PROFILE!
Long reaches down for Spike, but Kane cracks the cellphone off the head of Jason Long, causing him to stagger back a little. This gives Spike enough time to stagger to his feet and literally fling himself at Long. The two brawling through the wreckage, and then against the ring apron. Spike connects with a stiff headbutt that rocks Long, and he goes to pick him up. Spike lifting Long right up into the air.
Phillips: I’d lose my shit because he’s going for the Spike Impailer, but he broke my phone…
Magnus: On the outside! That does extra damage!
Phillips: ….now how am I going to hook up after the show? Daddy needs to face fu-
Magnus: Don’t. Just don’t.
As Kane repositions himself, ready to drop Long he suddenly shouts out and drops to a knee, his ankle giving out underneath him. As he drops to a knee the sudden jerk of motion snaps Long awake, from his vertical position he knees Spike in the head, Spike drops Long, who takes a few steps back ready to launch a bicycle knee into the side of Spike’s head, but Kane lunges into the ring, rolling through to all fours, clutching at his ankle.
Magnus: Spike definitely looks like a wounded animal. Jason Long has really brought the fight to him.
Magnus: A King versus a God, and the King is on top! …no wait, I’m on to-...nevermind.
Long tilts his head as he tries to figure out what Spike is doing, then a grin spreads across his face. He moves backwards around the corner of the ring on the outside, before rolling in and starting to measure up Spike.
Magnus: What is Long doing? He has Kane right where he wants him.
Phillips: He’s gonna….He’s gonna hit him with the Vanity Killer! YEAH KICK HIS PHONE BREAKING HEAD OFF!!!
As Long explodes from the corner ready to kick Spike’s head to the moon, Spike rolls backwards out of the way, into the turnbuckle - using it to pull himself up. Jason swings and misses, his leg hanging in the air for a second before he spins round to the sadistic smile of Spike Kane, who kicks him in the gut and hits the THUNDERSTRUCK!!!
Magnus: Oh that was a thing of beauty!
Phillips: This could be it!
Spike scrambles onto Long as he drops, nodding his head in time with what should be the referee’s count, but the referee hasn’t moved. Instead he is stood by the side of the ring, leaning over the top rope and sticking a finger in his eye. Spike climbs to his feet and begins to berate the referee who mentions a “contact lens” before Spike kicks HIM in the gut and then nails the referee with a Thunderstruck!
Magnus: WHAT IS GOING ON!?
Spike begins to pull at the referee, eventually managing to rip the shirt right off of him, before Spike walks to the ropes and throws the shirt at Magnus, telling him to count the fall! However, as he does so, Magnus begins to pull the ripped shirt over his head, Long sneaks up from behind and he rolls up Spike!
Phillips: Long might have it!
Magnus: He’s gonna wi-wait…oh shit.
Magnus sprints through the wreckage and slides into the ring to count the fall….ONE! …..TWO! ….THRE-NO!!!! SPIKE KICKS OUT!
Phillips: This lunacy is almost too much for me. Magnus is now the official, we have no table, Spike broke my phone, and now Papa Phillips isn’t getting laid tonight.
As Spike kicks out, he manages to create some distance between himself and Jason, who looks up at Spike from his knees and with a smile on his face, simply gives Spike the middle finger on both hands. Spike smiles and nods, before he twists his body and once again absolutely NAILS Long in the head with the Bloody Sunday! As Long drops to the mat, Spike all but collapses on top of him, and Magnus counts the fall….ONE! …..TWO! ……….THREE!!!
Winner: Spike Kane
Magnus: It’s over! This brawl between Irishman had a little bit of everything, but if I had to be truthful? I don’t think this is over between them.
Inside the ring Spike sits on all fours next to Long. Magnus raises Spike’s hand, but he doesn’t seem to care. He stares down at Jason Long, who is starting to take some deep breaths. Spike pats him on the chest, before rolling out of the ring, raising a singular arm as “Bow Down” by I Prevail hits the sound system.
MEANWHILE... INSIDE THE BEAR.
Pete Rose disappears into the white light.
Redmond Fury, Dirty Byrd, and Shockmaster stand on top of a mountain of fish, helping XHF Max Mini into the portal.
Dirty Byrd: I think that’s the last of them, Red. Looks like this is it.
Redmond Fury: I couldn’t have got this far without you two, thank you.
Dirty Byrd: Don’t sweat it, Red. We’re in this together.
Redmond Fury: After you guys.
The three nod at each other.
XHF Shockmaster: Follow me if you want to-
Slipping on a fish, Shockmaster tumbles backwards, falling a good twenty feet down the mountain.
At that moment, the hulking kaiju form of Dinosaur Bones lumbers through an entrance into the cavern. He looks normal size from the extreme height of the mountain, but as he starts charging up the hill – that will change fast.
DINOSAUR BONES: DELICIOUS FLESHLINGS!
Sliding down the fish wall to the crevice that Shockmaster has landed on, Redmond Fury tries to help his accident-prone friend up with little time to spare before The Dread Lord reaches them.
Redmond Fury: You okay, Shock?
Shockmaster: I’m two left feet, Red.
Redmond Fury: Give me your hand, Shoc-
Dirty Byrd stabs Redmond Fury in the stomach with a shiv.
Then the referee pulls the large man down for a cover, which he counts himself.
ONE!
TWO!
THREE!
Dirty Byrd: THE WINNER OF THIS MATCH, AND NEW XHF PHOENIX CHAMPION- MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!
Reaching down, Byrd rips the Phoenix title off of Fury’s blood spewing abs.
Redmond Fury: Byr- why?
Chuckling, Byrd smacks Fury in the face with the belt before he can put up a fight.
Dirty Byrd: We're a little past questions.
Grabbing Fury by the back of the neck, Shockmaster then throws him halfway down the mountain of fish.
Shockmaster: Whoops.
The XHF Originals look down at their gory benefactor with sadistic grins, even as the giant dinosaur skeleton closes in on their victim.
Dirty Byrd: Be seeing you, Red.
The devious duo disappear into the white light.
Coughing up blood, losing consciousness, the only thing that keeps Fury in the moment are the enraged howls of the rapidly approaching Dinosaur Bones. Digging deep, Fury starts to crawl up the mountain – at half the speed that Bones charges behind him. The Dread Lord draws closer, and in his half dead state, Fury’s only chance is to make it out first.
Not looking back, Fury drags himself up higher and higher, until the light is almost within grasp.
MEANWHILE... OUTSIDE THE BEAR.
Mongo The Destroyer is walking.
Mongo: Did you take care of it?
Bonnie Jenkins (holds up hand sans wedding ring): I'm in the clear.
Mongo: What? No. Not that - the X-Zone.
Bonnie gives Mongo a blank expression, but his attention has already turned to a slime covered XHF Johnny Valiant staggering around a craft service table.
Mongo: No!
A glimmer of fear in his eyes, The Destroyer starts charging down the hallway almost running smack dab into the XHF versions of The Rock, Steve Austin, and Greg Gagne.
XHF Greg Gagne: Where's the fire pa-
Mongo shoves Gagne to the floor, his pace quickening with every slime covered star he comes across. Before finally coming across an unconscious bear-
Mongo: How many got out?
Everyone's favourite future XHF Hall of Fame greets the boss with a smile.
L.A. Wombat: I'M BACK!
Mongo gives the sludge drenched Wombat a dirty look, and then turns to Florida Man for the answer.
Florida Man: I reckon that's all of 'em-
Mongo: Damn it... but did you see a bird?
Florida Man: A bird? That bitch Magnus has been feeding this bear dead husbands, not KFC. Ain't no birds coming out of it!
A sigh of relief.
Mongo: Thank goodness... then nothing has been done that can't be un-
Florida Man: I mean John Cena came through here wearing a filthy feather outfit, but he's no bird.
Mongo looks like someone just walked on his grave.
Mongo: There is no Cena... wait - did... he look like a dirty bird?
Florida Man: That's the one.
Mongo: ...What have you done?
The leader of Sky Force puffs out his chest in pride.
Florida Man: Rescued all these folks like a hero!
Mongo: Some hero. ...You've just doomed us all. That wasn't John Cena... it's the single most dangerous, unpleasant, grotesque abomination to ever step foot in the XHF-
A pin drops.
L.A. Wombat: You mean...
Mongo: The XHF Gobbledy Gooker.
The three men look terrified at the prospect of the horror unleashed from inside the bear.
There is no trace of Redmond Fury, most likely the latest victim of The Dread Lord’s insatiable appetite. Yet as sad as the second death by being eaten is, you get the feeling that everyone is going to be joining him in oblivion soon.
Magnus: The following contest is scheduled for one fall and is for the XHF X*Crown Championship! Introducing the challenger, from the depths of Japan, he is the One Armed Bandit Dylan Black!
No music plays. Either Magnus can't afford the rights to his theme or Magnus doesn't give a shit. Either way Dylan comes out cross and one-armed. No fanfare, no greetings. Just rolls into the ring and leans in a corner, waiting on his opponent.
Philips: How do we think the former-two time X*Crown Champion is going to fare in this contest?
Magnus: He has one arm Philips, and not his touching arm. How do you think?
Philips: He's gotten a few wins over El Rey and thinks he can notch another. A win here means he becomes the first ever three time X*Crown Champion!
Magnus: Oh man, Mongo would hate that.
“HOOOOOOOOOOOOWL”
“All rise fore the king of all wolves now arrives.”
The voice of James Earl Mother Fucking Jones echos over the speakers. How did he get James Earl Jones to say that? It wasn’t a Cameo I’ll tell you that and it cost a pretty penny. Shortly after James Earl Jones speaks Big Sean’s “Wolves” begins to play. The stage lights up with a spotlight and smoke fills the stage. Two men dressed as royal guards walk out and produce swords. They turn and point them into the air touching near the tips and El Rey walks out wearing a crown with the BDDWF Ultimate Championship side plate front and center in the middle of the Crown. Waving in the breeze from fans under the stage is a red cape with the side plates of the other 22 championships that comprise the X*Crown sewn in. El Rey looks around at the booing audience before lifting his head raising his nose in the air showing his superiority over everyone in the audience. He walks under the two swords and makes his way to the ring. He walks up the stairs and steps into the ring. He demands a mic and the ring announcer reluctantly hands it over.
El Rey: Welcome to my show, my ring, Dylan. You may have gotten one up on me in Japan, but not you’re playing by my rules, and with one arm hahahahahaha.
Phillips: The champion is as cocky as ever.
Magnus: If you’d ever met his dad you’d think this was tame.
X*Crown Championship Match
El Rey (c) vs Dylan Black
The bell rings and El Rey mocks Dylan in the center of the ring trying a similar technique to Steve where he does a test of strength only for Dylan to have one arm! Dylan grabs him and puts him in a headlock, only for Rey to push him against the ropes and send him off! Dylan bounces back, drop down by Rey. Leapfrog. Single leg dropkick-oh, nobody home! Rey gets up and Dylan drives a knee into the gut, lifting El Rey before a spinning heel kick to the gut. He tries a roundhouse kick but El Rey ducks and chop blocks him! El Rey locks him in a heel hook on his non-robo leg and wrenches that hold, Dylan yells in pain and tries to kick him in the jaw! He cant! Dylan tries to crawl to the ropes and gets a decent way there before El Rey drags him back! It's on the drag back that Dylan rolls over and pulls Rey in for a headbutt!
Philips: Very back-and-forth so far!
Magnus: Black's got tenacity I'll give him that!
Dylan kips up and stomps on the arm of Rey, asking if he wants to know what it's like to have one arm! Dylan applies an arm bar using his legs, one leg in Rey's shoulder and the other cranking his arm back! He then uses his arm to hook it on Rey's chin and rolls over! Rings of Saturn! Tazz would probably have a long complicated name for this. Rey cries out and tries to spin himself to the ropes. He uses his legs to kick and fight but can't make too much progress! He rolls Dylan over for a pin, stretching his arms for a moment but Dylan won't let himself get pinned for this! Dylan kicks out before losing his chance at the X*Crown. Rey gets up and Irish whips Dylan into a corner, following up for a high knee! Followed by a bulldog! You hear Dylan splat on the mat as Rey stands on the back of his neck, arms raised and gloating for the crowd!
Magnus: Champ's in control here!
Philips: For now. Match is young and could go either way.
Magnus: Yeah but Dylan has one arm! No way can he beat anyone with two arms!
Philips: That sounds ableist.
Rey picks Dylan up, yelling at him and telling him he isn't going to beat him ever again. He puts Dylan in position for the Society Killer, going for an end super early. He gets Dylan upside down and hooks his arms before Dylan wiggles a leg free and bops him right on the noggin! Rey drops him and stumbles back, and Dylan gets up before getting blasted with a low dropkick to topple him over. Rey feeds him a few stiff knees to the ribs before standing up and hitting him with a running splash! Warrior style! Dylan rolls out of the ring and Rey rolls out onto the apron, getting away from Dylan to go for something big! He runs the length and jumps! A hurricanrana! No! Dylan uses all his strength to hold onto him, lifting him up for a powerbomb on the apron! Good god almighty! Dylan rolls him over the bottom rope, head over the ropes so he can back up then run the length of the side of the ring... DRIVE BY! HE BLASTS EL REY WITH A BIG DROPKICK TO SEND HIM PACKING BACK HOME!... I mean Atlanta is El Rey's home so he doesn't go far I guess.
Philips: The challenger is coming back! El Rey could be in trouble.
Magnus: Hey. Champ retains on DQ or count out.
Dylan picks Rey up in the ring and puts him in position for a DDT, before going for a softer landing. That's because he's got Rey in a guillotine choke! He wraps his legs around Rey's torso to keep him locked in! Rey tries to push himself up to a standing position, charging at a turnbuckle and crushing Dylan! He does hurt his neck though, taking time to nurse it. He doesn't notice Dylan stalking him, to drop him with a neck breaker! Dylan mounts him and wraps his arm around Rey's chin, trying for a move that looks like the love child of a camel clutch and dragon sleeper. Rey's slippery and gets out, running at Dylan who drops him back down with an arm drag! He follows through, lifting him up then throwing Rey up and over with a koshi guruma! He soccer kicks Rey in the gut, before hitting a senton on the champ!
Phillips: Deadly combo by the challenger.
Magnus: El Rey needs to get back into this, I don’t want the X*Crown to leave GUNS so soon.
Rey rolls to the outside and sits on the apron, dangerous spot. Dylan grabs Rey by the hair and pulls him up to his feet, trying to lift him up and over for a suplex! Rey knees him in the gut though, and suplexes him up and ONTO THE APRON! Dylan rolls off crying out, holding his back as Rey kind of cracks his back against the apron. He then lays some boots into his challenger, mouthing off about how this is his yard now, he's gonna put the old dog to sleep. Lifts him to his feet and TRIBUTE! TRIBUTE ON THE CONCRETE! I THINK DYLAN IS BUSTED OPEN DAMMIT! REOPENING SOME OF THOSE NOT-FULLY-HEALED WOUNDS FROM SUPREMACY! Dylan is groggy and spits on the floor, and Rey laughs before rolling Dylan into the ring. Rey waits for Dylan to get to his feet before he kicks Dylan in the gut, before picking Dylan up and lifting him on his shoulders!
Philips: Oh shit! He's going for the Ragnarök!
Magnus: This is Dylan Black's patented move! Only two people have ever kicked out of it! James Dragon and Brewer!
Philips: Dylan himself has kicked out of it, when Tommy Kelly used it on him.
Magnus: Does a finisher really hit the same when someone else uses it?
Philips: That's true.
While the commentators are arguing, Dylan has slipped off of Rey's shoulders and spun him around. Dylan winds back and cold cocks Rey right in the jaw! Rey drops like a sack of bricks and then suddenly the bell rings! Dylan looks confused as Magnus drops the timekeeper bell hammer and grabs a mic.
Winner by disqualification and STILL X*Crown Champion: El Rey
Magnus: Due to blatant use of a foreign object in his arm, Dylan Black is disqualified from the match!
Philips: What the hell? This is insane! And Dylan is irate! What a screw job!
Dylan is flipping out, on the second rope and screaming obscenities at Magnus. Rey sneaks behind Dylan and hits him with a low blow from behind. He laughs while holding his jaw as Dylan doubles over. The Champ calls for a mic.
El Rey: I told you you were in my house now. You should’ve read that fine print Mr. Cyborg. I knew you wouldn’t be able to help but deck me with that metal arm of yours, so I made Magnus slip in closed punches from a metal arm illegal.
El Rey laughs again, but stops quickly in pain from the shot to the jaw.
El Rey: Enjoy icing your balls, are they made of metal too?
El Rey laughs at his dumb joke as he steps out of the ring. He begins backpedaling up the ramp as he continues.
El Rey: Now I’ve beaten you when you were X*Crown Champ and when I was. I’m the best X*Crown Champion of this era now, and you’re just a pile of parts.
El Rey continues laughing at himself until he bumps into something.
Magnus: Uh oh.
Phillips: This isn’t good for the champ.
Magnus: Beating Jason Long apparently wasn’t enough.
El Rey’s eyes get wide. He looks around as the crowd is popping at who is behind the Champ. He reaches over his head and touches the face of former X*Crown Champion Spike Kane. El Rey turns around and falls backwards on his rear at the sight of the yet another member of the Pillars of Violence. Spike Kane smirks at the Champ as he slides on his posterior back down the aisle. He gets back up and turns around to the sight of Dylan Black back up in the ring staring down at him. El Rey bolts through the crowd as the credits roll.
Magnus: Welcome back to Season 3 of the Gun Show! It’s a Leap Day Special! Even if it’s not leap day damn it. Anyway, we’ve got a hot one here tonight.
Phillips: People may have come for a big time X*Crown match, but they’re going to get a dream match.
Magnus: That’s right Spike Kane the God of Xtreme, one of the four pillars of violence against Jason Long a young man who has practically done it all.
Phillips: In addition to those two huge matches we have the Junior Heavyweight title on the line
Magnus leaves the announcers table annoyed with his partner and heads to the ring, microphone in hand and massive grin on his face. He can barely contain his excitement.
Magnus: GUNS faithful! Your patronage has been rewarded! At this time, I have an announcement that will SHAKE THIS FEDERATION TO IT’S CORE AND GUARENTEE THAT LIKE THE PHOENIX AND TAG TITLES BEFORE IT, WE WILL HOLD ONTO THE X CROWN FOR A HUNDRED YEARS! Easily the most important announcement of the year-
“It better be that you’re unwed.”
Bonnie Jenkins pushes through the backstage curtains. Mongo’s personal assistant stomps down the aisle with the furious stride of a woman who really doesn’t want to be referred to as Mrs. Magnus. Magnus, who looked practically giddy with his planned announcement, has had all the colour drain from his face. God he hopes she doesn’t ask about Redmond Fury’s outside a bear status.
Magnus: Bonnie what a pleasant surprise, I didn’t know you were interested in my availability.
Bonnie Jenkins: It’s safe to say I’ve never been more interested. So did you find out or not?
“If you’re wondering about Fury, he’s dead.”
The intimidating frame of Colossus Rhodes, steps out onto the entranceway. The Frankensteinesque monster sports The NEW Fauenix Championship over his shoulder.
Bonnie Jenkins: That’s not what-
Colossus Rhodes: Rumours persist that the Fury still lives inside an ursine cocoon, not unlike a self-righteous tapeworm. In order to validate my championship run, such fanciful notions must be laid to rest. Fighting with an idea. How do I severe the spinal column of such a conceptual opponent?
Bonnie Jenkins: We have important business-
Magnus: I had an announcement...
Colossus Rhodes: Which can wait for mine. To stomp out this disease, this affront to my championship must be put to rest. Rather than chase gossip, I will simply slay the beast.
Phillips: He wouldn’t-
Colossus Rhodes: TONIGHT, I WILL DEFEND MY PHOENIX CHAMPIONSHIP AGAINST GUNS’ MAN EATING BEAR, URSUSLA. If Redmond Fury called that mangy critter a home, he will soon find himself encased in a maggot ridden dead husk. For I will put that animal down tonight.
The crowd pop hard for the Rhodes Bear announcement, less so for the suggestion of animal cruelty and the bizarre Fury theory. Having stated his piece, the sinister Rhodes leaves this segment.
Magnus: Everyone knows that Fury is alive and well- (mouthing to camera) put Quake in a suit- (back) where was I?
Bonnie Jenkins: Have your solicitors discovered if Viper was legally able to or are we in the clear?
Magnus: I don’t follow.
“NO ONE CAN FOLLOW.”
The crowd pops hard as “Whatta Man” by Salt-N-Pepa pumps over the PA system. Out of the back walks Redmond Fury – looking far more authentic than usual. The crowd delights at this appearance, not sure if Fury is the real deal, but positive that he isn’t Wombat or Quake. Magnus seems very uncomfortable having another fake Fury this close to Jenkins, but at least the make-up seems professional. The Buckeye Bruiser steps through the ropes, with folded papers in hand.
Redmond Fury: No one can follow why you keep giving X Crown matches to outside stars.
Magnus: I-
Redmond Fury: Does GUNS not have home grown talents that deserve shots more than Lord Dominicus or Dylan Black?
The audience collectively spit on the ground at the mention of Black’s name.
Magnus: Now wait just a minute pal, I don’t know what you’re trying to-
Redmond Fury: Hi Bonnie, nice to see you again.
At the mention of Jenkins, Magnus gets very quiet.
Redmond Fury (holds up papers): So I brought a contract for an X Crown match. It’s nice that Rey has so many outside admirers to bury the axe with, but really, it’d be good for a GUNS superstar to get that opportunity. I’m sure you agree-
Magnus: He’s tied up for-
Redmond Fury: Oh, there’s no hurry. Doesn’t have to be next month. Doesn’t even have to be before the Rumble. GUNS will have the crown for years to come, but this contract basically slots me in as a challenger in the very near future.
The audience chant Fury. Who the hell is the guy under the make-up? Because if he’s not Asian, Magnus finds this impression very racist. Yet unable to confront the fraud in front of Jenkins, he really doesn’t have a choice. Shaking with anger, Magnus snatches the contract out of Fury’s hands and signs it.
Magnus: I can’t think of a better challenger, than you, Fury. Er. The part for your name is blank-
Redmond Fury (snatching papers back): I’ll fill that in later. Thanks Magnus, for putting GUNS first. Nice to see you Bonnie... congratulations on ze wedding.
Smiling like the bear that just ate a three-hundred-pound wrestler, probably Redmond Fury leaves. Magnus starts to worry about who he just signed Rey over to, and then remembers the Supremacy marriage.
Magnus: Bonnie-
Distraction.
Magnus: Will you marry-
Magnus drops to his knee and pulls out his plastic wedding ring, apparently unaware that you can only use that distraction until it works. Pissed, Bonnie slaps the ring out of his hand.
Bonnie Jenkins: You already pulled that stunt jerk, I’m here to see if Viper legally married us or not.
Magnus: OH. Oh.
“Perhaps I can answer that.”
Magnus is relieved by this latest distraction, Bonnie less so. A man wearing spandex tights that have been designed to look like a trench coat almost loses his fedora entering the ring.
Bonnie Jenkins: And you are-
Man: Harrington Heart, Wrestling Dick. While attempting to secure work as an enhancement talent with GUNS, I became aware of your problem, and saw it as an opportunity for my side hustle. As a private investigator, I charge forty dollars a day and expenses when I get can them.
Magnus: We’re not looking at the moment; try your luck with J-RO-ugh.
Bonnie hands Harrington a twenty. He’s happy to get it.
Harrington Heart: Much like his passion for not wearing shirts, Jeffrey Viper makes enthusiastic use of an online degree that allows him to conduct weddings.
Bonnie Jenkins: NOOOOOOOOO!
Bonnie falls to her knees, sobbing.
Magnus: I’m right here you know – that reaction is kind of insulting.
Harrington Heart: Cheer up, Ms. Jenkins – fortunately for you, Viper isn’t the only person who is committed to gags.
The lights dim as a series of still photographs are displayed on the tron.
Harrington Heart: Your suitor Magnus also has a passion for proposing to people. Any time he has to have an unpleasant conversation, own up to his responsibilities, or leave a room, he falls to one knee and busts out a ring. While waiting for a try out match, I witnessed the GUNS owner engaging in this form of courting on three different targets. At the end of the day, he even proposed to me in an effort to make me so uncomfortable that I would leave without him having to turn me down as a wrestler.
Magnus: I’m a people pleaser.
Bonnie Jenkins: Shut up.
Harrington Heart: This got me thinking about how often it had occurred before you said yes-
Bonnie Jenkins: I didn’t say y-
Harrington Heart: So I searched through his social media for pictures or videos of the incidents.
The montage shows Magnus proposing to waitresses to get extra bread sticks, to production assistants to pick up his dry cleaning, to a metre maid to get out of a parking ticket.
Harrington Heart: I discovered 600 different incidents of Magnus proposing in the past seven months.
Magnus: The heart wants what it wants.
Bonnie Jenkins: You are such a douche. So where does that leave me?
Harrington Heart: Jeffrey Viper in his capacity as wandering shirtless badass slash internet ordained justice of the peace, happened to be walking past 227 of those marriages.
Magnus: Oh no, you mean-
Harrington Heart: Viper has officiated Magnus weddings 227 times.
“STOP STEALING MY BIT!”
“The Bigamist” Jonathan Smith jumps over the guardrail, ready to beat up Magnus for gimmick infringement, fortunately security is on hand to make sure he’s the only person who didn’t make it to the ring.
Bonnie Jenkins: So I have sister wives... I... I think I’m going to be sick.
Harrington Heart: It’s safe to argue that no one in their right mind would let Jeffrey Viper officiate their wedding. Now I’m not the Wrestling Lawyer, but it seems to me that only the first of these marriages will actually hold up in court.
Bonnie Jenkins: Wait, so I’m in the clear?
Harrington Heart: I question your choice in men, Ms. Jenkins, but you dodged a bullet.
Bonnie Jenkins: I’M NOT WITH HIM.
Magnus: Ouch.
Phillips: Bonnie with no time to get angry, now doing an uncharacistically happy dance. Who could blame her?
Magnus: So wait, who am I accidentally married to?
Harrington Heart: The first proposal witnessed and turned into a legal binding ceremony by Viper occurred backstage at Night of Champions. Redmond Fury was considering taking the XHF Phoenix championship to either GUNS or FIRESIDE, you joking dropped to one knee, and the rest is history.
Magnus: So I’m a widow?
Oh no! Did he say that out loud? Magnus clasps his hands over his mouth, and then looks at the insultingly joyful Bonnie. Well, the cat is out of the bag.
“DANG RIGHT!”
FLORIDA MAN PEDDLES IN ON THE ULTIMATE WARRIOR.
Florida Man: Howdy GUNS. Your Mother Lovin’ Florida Man was just in the neighbourhood to make sure no one screwed my SKY FORCE subordinate Charles out of our junior title, and I couldn’t help but overhear. Everyone knows THAT BITCH MAGNUS killed his husband and fed him to a bear!
Magnus: Why would I kill Redmond?
Florida Man: For the insurance money! Insuring someone against being eaten by a bear is very specific, I know, I didn’t qualify for that shit. I’m at high risk for being eaten by lots of things. Yet you took out a huge policy in case your ball and chain became a Yogi snack!
Magnus: We have live bears on our shows; all our performers are insured against bear attacks.
Florida Man: But you’re only legally married to one of them, Casanova. The one that got eaten. ...SO THAT BITCH MAGNUS stands to become a super rich man when Redmond Fury’s cause of death is confirmed!
Magnus takes all this in for a second, then turns to Bonnie.
Magnus: Bonnie. Redmond Fury was eaten by a bear.
Bonnie Jenkins puts a hand on Magnus’ shoulder.
Bonnie Jenkins: Magnus. I don’t care. I want nothing to do with you or GUNS, and the next time the XHF needs an official to check on you, I’ll make sure that Mongo sends someone who will make your life far less pleasant.
Bonnie Jenkins leaves.
Magnus looks heartbroken. How many hoops did he jump through to keep all this a secret?
Florida Man: So even if I have to go balls deep in that bear to dig Fury out, I will find your husband’s corpse.
Magnus (thinking of the insurance payout): Please do, Florida Man. Thank you.
Florida Man: AND THEN EVERYONE WILL SEE THAT BITCH MAGNUS MURDERED HIS HUSBAND AND FED HIM TO A BEAR!
Magnus: God speed!
Florida Man peddles off on the Ultimate Warrior. Security escort Harrington Heart Wrestling Dick out of the ring, because he didn’t get that enhancement contract. Thinking of all the things he’ll buy with his widower payout, Magnus re-joins the announcer’s booth.
Phillips: What was your big announcement?
Magnus: I don’t remember.
MEANWHILE... INSIDE THE BEAR.
The heroic trio of the real Redmond Fury, his manager slash referee Dirty Byrd, and the XHF version of the Shockmaster walk into a large corridor.
Dirty Byrd: Teddingham is the largest city in the area. All sorts of underground fighting, we can make a killing.
Redmond Fury: I’m really not interested in blood sport-
Dirty Byrd: I hear you, Red. But unless you decide to rip out of the bear like an ALIEN Chest Burster, we’re going to need funds for our expedition out of this mega dungeon, and Teddingham is the place to get them. It should be around here-
XHF Shockmaster: Follow me if-
Shockmaster falls over, almost losing his helmet in the process. Rather than his usual clumsiness, it is out of shock. A giant city now lies in ruins.
Redmond Fury: Wow, I can see where this would be impressive.
Dirty Byrd: Where did everyone go? There are usually hundreds of folks out and-
The man in the filthy bird costume stops dead in his tracks, spotting a large reptilian footprint.
“RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWR.”
The skeleton of a Tyrannosaurus Rex emerges from one of the dilapidated buildings, the Dread Lord standing at more than forty feet.
Our heroes duck behind another building, to avoid the undead apex predator’s sight. Fury steadies Shockmaster, expecting the larger man to fall through a wall for comedic effect.
Redmond Fury (whispering): How did he get in here?
Dirty Byrd (whispering): Friend of yours, Red?
Redmond Fury (whispering): Dissatisfied client. I don’t remember him being that big.
Dirty Byrd (whispering): This place has a way of messing with dimensions. I’m actually five foot nine.
A scream is heard, but before Fury can run to help, it is silenced. Loud bone crunching reverberates throughout the massive cavern. Our brave travellers start to sneak away from the ruins.
MEANWHILE... OUTSIDE THE BEAR.
Phillips: Well that must've sucked for you.
Magnus: Shut up. They ruined my announcement, but I won't let that ruin our show. We’re kicking it off with the Guns Tag Team Champions!
The lights drop down so that only the entranceway and the ring are illuminated as a deep, throaty, laugh not unlike that of Lemmy of Motorhead gargles over the PA system. However, just as soon as it started it is replaced by the treble-busting vocals of Freddy Mercury of Queen dropping a red hot ballad on y’all. Specifically, “Play the Game” by Queen. As the song persists, “The Mental Killer” Kris “Triple Quake” Quake and “The Corn Snake” Randy Angel- better known as Off the Wagon- walk out. Well, walk is being generous, Randy is stumbling drunk- still drinking from a flask- and Quake’s walk is more of a waddle since he appears to be trying to flex all several of his muscles at the same time. In Triple Quake’s right hand is a Stacker-2-based cocktail and in his left is a bottle of chewable vitamins. They slowly and sloppily make their way down to the ring. Upon entering it, Randy Angel goes up to a turnbuckle and throws up the referee sign for “field goal” and Quake goes to the apron. Suddenly we’re bathed in way too many strobe lights while Triple Quake pours the vitamins into his mouth and chews, then drowns them in the cocktail. If you think this is probably not healthy at all- don’t worry because he SPITS THEM OUT ALL OVER! It looks like vomit as he makes an angry face and flexes at the crowd but whatever before each grabbing a mic.
Magnus: I love when they are here.
Phillips: You just love their entrance video.
Magnus: Yes, yes I do. They dance so funny.
Quake and Randy look around at the crowd and wait for the buzz to die down before lifting the mic.
Quake: Are you ready?
Randy: He said are you ready?
Quake: I said are you ready?!
Randy: Because we’re ready, ready for more competition.
Quake: That’s right. This weekend we cleaned up at the J-Rok awards, and we’ve already dominated the tag division here.
Randy: That’s right. We’ve dominated to the point no one is left.
Quake: So we’re out here because we are taking on any and all comers.
Randy: That’s right we…
Heavy: 🎵’Cause I'm back
Yes, I'm back
Well, I'm back
Yes, I'm back
Well, I'm back, back🎵
Evil: That’s right my friends we’re back, and we’ve come for our titles.
Heavy-Metal and Evil Borg show up in the entrance way and the crowd goes wild. The inaugural GUNS Tag Team Champions stand in the entrance way locking eyes with Off the Wagon.
Quake: What on earth could you two want.
Evil: You said you were taking all comers, and we came. And we'll keeping coming until we're all over those belts again! So you got a challenge coming at your face right here, isn't that what you wanted?
Randy: Yeah, we do want challengers. Tell ‘em what we meant Mental Killer.
Quake: We wanted challengers to run a gauntlet to earn a shot at these titles.
Evil: But we never lost those titles! You should just be handing them over! But at the very least, we’re owed a match!
Quake: And you’ll get one, once you beat all the teams we’ve beat starting next episode of the Gun Show!
Quake tosses his mic and the two teams stare down each other before security comes out and gets between the two teams before anything happens.
Magnus: I didn’t approve a match.
Phillips: Are you going to get in there and tell him no?
Magnus: No, no I’m not.
As security forces the returning Borgs to the bag we cut away to the next scene.
The Lights begin to flicker in the GUNS Arena as a droning sound pierces the ear drums of the viewers. Especially those with headphones or earbuds. The noise starts low, but soon grows into a loud rumble of moaning and crying. The lights start to flicker more, almost as if in a strobe effect.
Phillips: What’s going on with the lights and that weird noise?
Magnus: I don’t know. Did you forget to turn off your bluetooth again?
Phillips: Ye- wait a minute, that’s not it! Did you pay the electric bill for this place?
Magnus: Of course i did… n’t.
The lights soon turn out as the noise becomes unbearable. Not even the many great bears of GUNS could take it anymore. We see flashes of mutilated animals mixed with faceless egg headed beings surrounding a fire chanting something.
The lights come back on now, we see the ring filled with these grotesque creatures. Just these bald headed freaks of nature. Their heads look like humpty dumpty from puss in boots, you know the movie. They begin to scream as blood comes out of their mouths and smoke surrounds the arena.
On the stage we see a chair rise from the smoke. In it is the man thing that’s been plaguing the network for a few months now. He sits in his throne as more of those weird egg headed beings appear on the stage and lift his chair up. We start to hear a very distorted I Am The Walrus play in the background as it makes its way to the ring. The lyrics gargle out of the speakers as the guitars pierce the viewers ears and the bass goes through the soul. The song becomes more and more distorted as he gets closer to the ring.
The feed begins to contort and mess up as well. The closer he gets the more wacky the sight becomes. We see flashes of things related to the song. As the song changes so does the screen. The tentacles on the Octopus headed being begin to move as the song continues. He eventually makes it to the ring as the lyrics blare out. He spreads his hands out as the words “I Am The Walrus” play out. Standing in the middle of the ring he soaks in the rest of the song as it continues to distort into something unrecognizable.
The Octopus headed man stands in the ring surrounded by his army of egg headed beings. Staring into the camera. His eyes glow as he soaks it all in. after what feels like hours we hear something.
Ǐ̴̤͇͘ ̸͚̜̇ä̶͕́̂m̵̦̠̓ ̸̩̒͒Ṙ̷̝̻î̴̫g̵̼̱̾̉b̷̼̔ỹ̸͖ͅ ̶͈̭̉Ė̴̤d̸̻̭̃̚i̵̡̇̑s̷̙̭̑o̷̙̤̿͂n̷̰̐ ̸͖̽à̵̬̻̀n̶͎͈͝d̸̺̀ ̶͚͐y̵̛͍̅o̷͇͝ų̴̛̪͑ ̶͒ͅa̴̗͆̃ͅr̷̗̰͒ẻ̷̩͔ ̴̢̺͐̀ȃ̴͇l̵͕̍l̶̝̉̍ ̷̹̹̌̏ḍ̸̢͋̍ĕ̵̝̳͑a̷͖̿d̷̝͋̊.̶̼͋̽
B̶͉̌e̸͒͘ͅc̷̍̑͜a̷̰͔̾ù̵̻͖s̶͙͂̚e̸̪͛ ̷̠͌̎I̴̮̖̍̒ ̷̢̈́̍A̷̱͗M̵̢̳̊ ̴͙̩͝T̶̢̝͌̄H̶̲̤̅Ẹ̶̓͝ ̶̹̞͂͝W̶̧̭͊̕Ạ̸͗L̵̫̀R̸̯̓̊U̴̜̦͌Ṣ̸͉̌ ̸̗̏á̵̤̇n̶͕͋̃ͅď̴̹̚ ̷̲̙͐ḻ̴̏o̴̢̊v̷̳̕ẻ̸͇͐ ̸͖̻̽͠w̸̮̝̑́i̷̦͂l̸̡̛̝̀ḽ̵̮̽͛ ̴̡͂̇t̵͕͊̈́a̸̲̲͗̈k̴͕̋͘e̴̼͎̋̄ ̶̛̩͚y̶̠̚o̵͕͓̓u̶̗͌̓ ̶̎͜a̷̦͕̔̈l̷̛͕l̴̼̅͗.̸̥̣͊
S̴̭̻͒ö̷͎́ỏ̸̤ń̵̲̔ ̶̹̮̓ý̶̥̠͝o̴͚̮̾̕û̴̖̝ ̴̠̑̾ẃ̴̝̻͌ǐ̴̹̖͗l̸̞̑̚l̴̦̰͐ ̴͍͚̈̄s̸̤̓ȇ̸̜͝ȇ̶̪̓ ̶̘͋̽j̸͉͗u̸͉͠s̶̛̤͌t̷͙̜̋͊ ̶̤̊h̶̝̤͒͂ö̶̹́w̴̨͍̑ ̶͓̙͋b̷̲̱͂ǎ̶̛̪d̶͕͐̿ ̸̫͠y̷̻̮̔ó̴̧u̶͙͝ ̷̙̐͂a̸̼̯̒̓r̶͝͝ͅe̷̥͎͝.̸̠̒ ̶̡̆̔N̷̤̔e̸̠̎x̷̻̙̆͝ṱ̶̳́ ̷̨̳̉s̶͕̘͛̉h̴͓͛o̷̮̭̐͊w̶͇̉̆ ̵̗̾s̶̛̱̞ô̸̧͘m̴̬̐̎e̵̝͜͠o̷̮̰̓͗n̷͓̰̐͘ë̷͍́̆ ̶͇̽w̶͉̗̾̚ï̷͓l̸̰̯͒͝l̷̮̱̆ ̸̭̺͑̇ḽ̴̉̒ě̴̗͎a̶̬̔͠ŗ̵̺̓n̶̙͑ ̶̹̈́̆͜t̸̯̀̾h̵̪͒͆e̷̻̚ ̵͓͋̍h̷̫̚ä̶̮̭́̕ŗ̶̿d̸͇̱̈́͆ ̶̱͛̚w̶̻̆̕á̷̺̭͝y̵̜̑ͅ,̵̤̔ ̷̲̂͋j̷͎̫̏̅u̵̧̇́s̶̞͇͊̕t̸̜̮̊̐ ̷̛̥͚h̴̻͇̒͐o̵̢͈̕ẁ̶̰ ̵̹̫͋m̸͍̑͋u̶̝͒̎c̸̺̈͘h̴̛͔͎̾ ̵́ͅl̷̘̼͊o̴͈̖͒́v̷̝̌ȅ̸̺ ̷̩̆ĉ̸̯́á̷̧̺n̶̑ͅ ̸͚̄͑d̸̬̫̓o̷̗͝.̷̦̥̀
The lights go back out again and as if he wasn’t even there to begin with, he’s gone like dust in the wind.
Magnus: What was that?
Phillips: What was what?
Magnus: That video.
Phillips: What video?
Magnus: Damn it Tom stop flirting with that lady in the front row and do your job.
“Big Dick” by Little Big begins playing as “Guttertrash” Greg Adkins walks out from the back with the fake Phoenix championship over his head like it were the real thing.
Phillips: What’s he doing? I thought when we got Redmond back that he would go away.
Magnus: Greg and I…have an agreement.
Phillips: What kind of an agreement?
Magnus: One that you shouldn’t ask about.
Greg Adkins makes his way down to the ring and hands the belt to the referee to show to the crowd. Greg gets a microphone with a wide grin, even as the crowd boos him without mercy.
Greg Adkins: Hey, Greg Adkins here. Your REAL Phoenix champion. No, after I showed that Joe Ghaven who was boss last time, I thought I would bring about a more brutal challenger to the ring for my next defense. You people will be like Redmond who?
Greg hands the microphone back to the announcer, who promptly asks him who he is announcing. Greg snatches the mic back with a laugh.
Greg Adkins: Oh, I forgot to let you people know who I was going to face in the ring!
Screen goes static, adverting the audience’s attention as Greg’s attention to the stage area.
♫ You are wrong, fucked, and overrated
I think I'm gonna be sick and it's your fault
This is the end of everything ♫
“Everything Ends” by Slipknot rips through the arena and the crowd goes wild!
Phillips: Jesse Jamester? He’s defending against Jesse Jamester? That’s fantastic!
Magnus: Depends. We got any B positive in the back? I’m thinking that Greg is going to need it.
Greg hands the microphone back to the announcer and slides out of the ring. He reaches under the ring to pull out a life-sized cutout of Jesse Jamester that he slides into the ring. He follows and sets up the fake JJ in the middle of the ring. The cheering that the fans have been doing has turned to boos.
Phillips: Should have known that there would have been some kind of catch.
Magnus: Whatever works.
Greg Adkins: Oh, I’m so afraid of the great Jesse Jamester. What will I ever do? Oh I know.
Greg runs to the ropes and bounces back toward the cutout that he spears to the mat. He mounts the cardboard cutout and begins wailing on it with lefts and rights. He pulls the head up and bites into the cardboard ear of the cutout. He tears away the ear, chews it up, and spits it out.
Phillips: How is this even a match?
Magnus: That’s JJ there in the ring.
Phillips: A cut out of him.
Magnus: Technicality.
Greg jumps to his feet and begins jumping up and down on the cut out.
Greg Adkins: I am the REAL Phoenix champion and there’s nothing that can stop-
“Everything Ends” by Slipkot blares over the sound system of the arena. Green and white lights to flicker down on a circle near the entrance. Out steps the long haired grizzly vet, Jesse Jamester. Dressed in his black tights, knee brace on his left leg visible, white boots with black laces, with signature pistols on each boot, and pistols crossing on his crotch with the initials "JJ" between them. Fists taped up, black elbow pad on his right arm, the tattooed and scars visible from neck to abdomen. Jesse Jamester takes his walk to the ring, soaking in the crowd. As he approaches the ring side area, he steps up on the second step of the ring steps, cracking his neck, shrugging the shoulders, he grabs the middle rope and steps between them, gliding into the ring in a fluid motion. He throws his fists up for a fight, before raising both arms up over his head as he leans on the ropes facing the fans. Music begins to fade out.
Greg stands in the ring, his jaw left hanging open. He looks to the crowd, who are cheering madly. He looks to the ref, who shrugs as he kicks the cut out from the ring.
Greg Adkins: This can’t be happening. I’m not exactly ready for..
Jesse Jamester turns around with a wide grin.
Jesse Jamester: You wanted me to come down to the ring to fight you. Did you not?
Greg starts hyperventilating, backing away from Jesse.
Greg Adkins: I don’t know about this. Why don’t we start with this?
Greg runs up and aims a kick right between the legs of Jesse. This kick is blocked and Jesse levels Greg with a lariat.
Jesse Jamester: Let’s make this interesting.
Greg Adkins sits up and looks to the ring entrance with wide eyes where lizard costumed ring hands push a dumpster door to the ring. A dumpster full of goodies that all happen to be wrapped in barbed wire. Jesse just looks down at Greg and smiles.
Jesse Jamester: Shall we begin?
Greg Adkins: Mommy…
Greg Adkins’ XHF Faunix Championship
Greg Adkins vs Jesse Jamester
Jesse kicks Greg square in the face to knock him back down to the mat and reaches over the reopens into the dumpster to grab a kendo stick…wrapped in barbed wire. He rushes at the rising Greg Adkins and bashes him in the side of the face with it, the barbs tearing open flesh that spray blood for a hot second before trickling down onto his chest. Greg spins from the impact, dropping back down to his knees. Jesse brings the kendo stick across Greg’s back, tearing through clothing and flesh with the barbs.
Phillips: Now this is where Greg should just tap out and let Jesse have the fake title.
Magnus: He says it’s the real title. Think he should give up now?
Phillips: This is going to get messy. Isn’t it?
Magnus: That’s why I called down to check for B positive.
Greg rolls away from Jesse Jamester, but rolls directly out of the ring and into the dumpster. A wail of pain is heard as he lands in all of the equipment covered with barbed wire.
Phillips: That’s going to leave a mark.
Magnus: Just a little one.
Jesse Jamester walks over to the side of the ring with the dumpster. He grabs the top rope and leans over to see down into the dumpster. That’s when a barbed wire glass ball hits him in the face and explodes! Jesse staggers backwards a few steps, his hands to his eyes. Greg Adkins stands up in the dumpster and rolls back into the ring with a barbed wire wrapped hockey stick. Greg slowly walks around to stand behind Jesse and smashes him across the back with the hockey stick a few times, making sure to drag the barbed wire down his back to open deep cuts. Jesse sounds around, catching the hockey stick in his hand. He grits his teeth as blood trickles down his arm from the barbed wire piercing his hand. He struggles with the hockey stick briefly before he sends the stick back into Greg’s face, cutting him open and bursting his nose. This gets Greg to release the hockey stick.
Jesse drops the stick to the mat, and brings Greg down onto it with a Russian leg sweep. He rolls over onto Greg and goes for the cover!
One
Tw-Jesse Jamester jumps off of Greg with a shout of indignation.
Phillips: Why did Jesse break the pinfall?
Magnus: Why do you think?
Phillips: Greg stuck a finger in his butt.
Magnus: Exactly.
Jesse picks up the kendo stick wrapped in barbed wire and brings it down across Greg’s body over and over again, breaking the kendo stick apart in the process. Jesse breathes heavily as he looks at the broken kendo stick and down at the bloody Greg for a moment before he slides out of the ring to the dumpster. He reaches in and begins throwing objects into the ring. A barbed wire chair, a barbed wire kitchen sink, a barbed wire baseball bat, a barbed wire dildo, and a barbed wire flat screen television. He rolls back into the ring as Greg is slow to get to his feet. He grabs the barbed wire flat screen and shatters the screen across Greg’s head. He tosses the broken tv from the ring, grabs Greg, and whips him into the corner so that Greg spears through the top and middle turnbuckles to slam his shoulder into the ring post!
Phillips: You would think that someone got a little mad at being touched.
Magnus: If he touched your no-no square too, you’d be pissed.
Jesse picks up the barbed wire dildo and raises it into the air to the cheering from the crowd. He walks over to Greg, who is in a very vulnerable position, and grabs the hem of his wrestling shorts with one hand. He looks to the crowd. They approve of this madness! Jesse gets the shorts down Greg’s ankles and slaps his ass with the dildo, the barbed cutting open his skin.
Jesse Jamester: You want to penetrate other people. See how it feels…
Jesse places one hand onto Greg’s back and is getting ready to shove the barbed wire dildo where the sun don’t shine when Greg does a donkey kick with both feet that manages to find Jesse in the crotch to double the murder lizard over. Greg pulls himself out of the corner, ducks below Jesse’s head and straightens up to whip headbutt Jesse in the face with the back of his head! This impact sends Jesse back to the middle of the ring where he lands on the barbed wire steel chair, blood flying from his nose and mouth in a high arc. The dildo is kicked from the ring by Greg before he pulls his trunks back up to where they belong.
Phillips: Both men severely bleeding at this point. I don’t know if it’s a good idea to continue.
Magnus: You are right. I’m going to call about Jesse’s blood type. I mean, we should have it on file.
Greg picks up the barbed wire baseball bat and slowly begins to unravel the barbed wire from it. He takes the barbed wire and wraps it around his right forearm before going to the ropes. Jesse Jamester gets up and Greg comes at him with a forearm strike that he rubs across the side of Jesse’s face, knocking Jesse back down to the mat.
Greg stands for a moment, panting and enjoying his moment of glory before standing by Jesse’s head.
Phillips: What’s he doing? No!
Magnus: You know what he’s doing. He’s going for the cover!
Greg teabags down onto Jesse’s face before placing two hands onto Jesse’s chest for the cover! The referee gets into position.
One
Two
Thr-Greg breaks the pinfall with a high pitched scream and tries to get away from Jesse’s head, but cannot. Jesse has Greg by the jewels with his teeth!
Greg Adkins: Get him off of me! Get him off of me! For the love of God!
Jesse releases Greg, who rolls away from him and curls up into a ball.
Phillips: That was-
Magnus: Epic?
Phillips: I hope Jesse has mouthwash handy.
Magnus: That goes without saying.
Jesse rolls from the ring and walks over to the timekeeper’s table where he grabs the fake Phoenix championship and rolls into the ring. He’s about to bash Greg with the title belt when he feels it.
Jesse Jamester: This is a toy championship belt! Are you having me fight for some fake title? What kind of hokey-dokey bullshit are you getting at Greg!?
With that, Jesse rips the belt in half, breaking the main plate. He throws both halves of the belt down and rolls out of the ring where he starts heading up the aisle. Greg is slow to stand up, bleeding from many wounds (and down his trunk legs). He breathes heavily as if to gather his strength.
Greg Adkins: I didn’t hear no bell.
Jesse Jamester: Let the ref count. I ain’t fucking with no fake ass title.
The ref does indeed begin to count Jesse out and once he gets to ten, he signals for the bell to be rung. Greg looks down at his beloved fake Phoenix title, his dreams of pretending to be the real Phoenix champion instead of Redmond Fury crushed.
Greg Adkins: I will find you, Jesse! I will find you wherever you may go and I will fuck you up! You thought that Spike Kane and Dylan Black could get down and dirty? You haven’t seen the last of me!
At the entrance stage, Jesse Jamester turns around with a smile on his face.
Jesse Jamester: I’m not hard to find. Seek me out again and we’ll do this for real!
Greg is panting heavier now, his hand going to the side of his head.
Greg Adkins: I…will destroy you!
Greg falls to his knees, faint from blood loss.
Greg Adkins: I…I…will end you!
The referee signals to the back for EMTs as Greg collapses onto the mat.
Phillips: Well, we have the actual Phoenix champion coming on next.
Magnus: Just as soon as we get things cleaned up. Jesse and Greg left quite the mess in toys and blood.
Phillips: Too right. We are sorry, but we will have to take a commercial break. We will be back.
Magnus: GUNS!
Handlers walk UrsusLa down the aisle to the theme “Cobrastyle” by the Teddybears, careful to make sure no fans get within arms length of the bloodthirsty beast.
Phillips: Up next fans we have the NEW Fauenix Title match. That isn’t the Fauenix title that was held by Wombat before his accident, but a NEW one created to replace it, which was won by Colossus Rhodes at Supremacy when neither Dinosaur Bones nor Quake could continue.
Magnus: Rhodes isn’t even on the roster. The nerve of this guy.
Phillips: He is scary.
Magnus: Which is the only reason I haven’t asked him to leave. But this time I think he’s bitten off more than he can chew. At least I hope it’s enough for UrsusLa to chew!
The theme music from Phantasm plays, as the intimidating figure of Colossus Rhodes makes his way down the aisle with championship belt in hand.
Phillips: Rhodes is the only wrestler we’ve seen completely manhandle Redmond Fury. No easy feat.
Magnus: But against UrsusLa? He’s dealing with an extra ton of muscle!
XHF NEW Fauenix Championship
Colossus Rhodes (c) vs. UrsusLa
Colossus Rhodes (c) vs. UrsusLa
DING! DING! DING!
Magnus: And they’re off!
Phillips: UrsusLa seems disinterested in the match, like she wasn’t actually a wrestling bear but just a regular bear that might be more inclined to eat people.
Magnus: I assure you that bear has passed as many state athletic commission wrestling certifications as all the other members of our bear division.
Phillips: That’s what I’m afraid of.
Irritated by the lack of cooperation on the bear’s part, Rhodes fires off some big boots to the midsection, trying to coax it into action. UrsusLa responds with growls and paw strikes, but Rhodes side steps them. As the bear starts to scratch its nails against a ring post, Rhodes slaps it in the back of the head. This is enough to get a reaction. Standing on its hind legs, the bear turns meeting Rhodes in the centre of the ring.
Magnus: There’s the lock-up.
Phillips: Test of strength! Damn – Rhodes actually holding his own.
Magnus: But for how long? Squash him like a bug, UrsusLa!
The two stagger back and forth teasing which is stronger, finally Rhodes nails a vicious headbutt. UrsusLa responds with a bite, but Rhodes is able to duck it, avoiding decapitation. The two start to hook-up again, only for Rhodes to catch UrsusLa with an elbow strike, and then twist around the large beast for a waistlock.
Phillips: Rhodes behind going for a- name?
Magnus: Belly-to-back suplex-
Phillips: A suplex, but he can’t get the bear over.
Magnus: Still, using it to control position – avoiding those death-dealing jaws!
Hanging onto the torso, Rhodes brings up some knees to UrsusLa’s kidneys, which seem to register. It’s human diet apparently leaving the beast in questionable health. As another big knee causes it to weaken, Rhodes slides down, taking the lesser monster over with a drop toehold. Before the bear can react, Rhodes is on its back with a guillotine chokehold.
MEANWHILE... INSIDE A BEAR.
Match joined in progress.
XHF Phoenix Championship
Redmond Fury (c) vs. Sphinx Sphincter
Redmond Fury (c) vs. Sphinx Sphincter
Like Rhodes on the outside, Sphinx has Fury in a chokehold.
Fury: We just want to- get- through- the- door-
Sphinx: If you want to pass my gate, answer this riddle-
Wanting no part of these riddles, Fury T-Bone suplexes Sphinx into a mucus covered wall. Waiting a safe distance from the brawl, Shockmaster sees his opportunity to sneak through, only to slip onto a pulsating sack, which inflates another sack, which launches Sphinx into the air – where he hits Fury with a flying shining wizard. One! Two! Fury gets a shoulder up.
Sphinx: When is a door not a do-
Fury has enough core strength that he is able to sit-up with a bicycle kick that knocks Sphinx off of him. Fury then fires off a few forearm shots, before pulling Sphinx into a Buckeye Breaker. One! Two! The count is broken as the cavern starts shaking.
Shockmaster: Is that the Dino?
Dirty Byrd: No, just the cage. I suspect the bear is having a tough go of things.
Sphinx: I am my father’s son, but brothers-
Before Sphinx can bust out another riddle, Fury throws him into the ceiling with a gorilla press. The shaking continues-
“ R E D M O N D – “
Redmond Fury: Hello?
Dirty Byrd: Something wrong, Red?
Redmond Fury: Did you hear that?
Everyone looks at Fury like he’s nuts, except for Sphinx who drops down from the ceiling with a double stomp. Sphinx continues to kick away, while Fury attempts to cover up.
“A R E Y O U T H E R E?”
Redmond Fury (blocking kicks to the face): Who is this?
“IT’S TINA.”
Redmond Fury (takes a few kicks to the crotch): I’m... sorry miss... but I don’t know a Tina.
“MY RING PERSONA IS URSUSLA.”
Redmond Fury: Nice to formally meet you, Tina.
“SORRY ABOUT EATING YOU.”
Redmond Fury: These things happen.
Fury grabs Sphinx foot and stands to pull him into the Buckeye Limb Cleaver, when the area shakes again.
MEANWHILE... OUTSIDE THE BEAR.
At ringside, Colossus Rhodes throws UrsusLa into the steel steps so hard that he dislodges them. Before the bear can react, Rhodes is on top of it, ramming the dislodged stairs into the beast’s side.
Phillips: Rhodes seems to have discovered UrsusLa’s weakness. The key to victory is not getting eaten.
Magnus: She seems distracted; I wonder where her head’s at.
MEANWHILE... INSIDE THE BEAR.
“I WAS VERY CONFUSED AT THE TIME.”
Redmond Fury: Being used as an interdimensional prison, I’d be confused too. It shows great patience on your part that you’ve devoured as few wrestlers as you have, miss.
Fury is holding Sphinx in a headlock while communicating with the inner voice of the beast. Dirty Byrd and Shockmaster watch on in horror, unable to hear the bear, and pretty sure that their ticket out of this hell has lost his mind.
“THAT IS VERY KIND OF YOU TO SAY. I FELT JUST AWFUL ABOUT IT. SO EMBARASSING. HAVE YOU HAD ANY LUCK FINDING AN EXIT?”
Redmond Fury: We’re working on it. But what can I do for you?
Sphinx nails a low blow, and then grabs a fistful of green veins, which he wraps around Fury’s throat, choking him.
“THEY HAVE ME WRESTLING, AND I’M REALLY MORE OF AN OLD SCHOOL VALET THAN AN IN-RING PERFORMER. EYE CANDY. SO I’M KIND OF OUT OF MY ELEMENT.”
Fury (being choked): I- m- sur- u- do- fine.
The cavern shakes violently again.
MEANWHILE... OUTSIDE THE BEAR.
The steel steps have been thrown into the middle of the ring as a hard surface. Muscling the bear back into the ring, Colossus Rhodes rams the beast’s head into the steps with a running bulldog. He then hoists it up for a bodyslam onto the steel.
Phillips: Rhodes just going to town on that bear, he promised to euthanize it.
MEANWHILE... INSIDE A BEAR.
“CAN YOU GIVE ME ANY ADVICE?”
Dirty Byrd checks on Fury who is blue in the face, and almost unconscious from Sphinx’s choke. Another big exterior bump throws the three men up in the air; Fury manages to loosen the chords from his mouth. Sphinx tries for an eye gouge, but Fury manages to matrix under and hit a backflip knee strike.
Redmond Fury: Don’t worry Tina-
When they land on the ground, Fury pulls Sphinx into a spinning DDT.
Redmond Fury: We’ll get you through this.
Dirty Byrd: You been drinking, Red?
MEANWHILE... OUTSIDE THE BEAR.
Colossus Rhodes repeatedly brings the steel steps down on the bear’s kidney.
Phillips: Referee Ty Thorton threatening a disqualification, but Rhodes doesn’t care, he’d just retain.
Magnus: No, Rhodes won’t be happy unless they take that bear out of here in a body bag! Does he have any idea how much those things cost?
Phillips: Rhodes earlier claiming that Fury was alive and well and living inside UrsusLa – and trying to put a stop to that arrangement.
Magnus: See? He’s a crackhead! No wonder we didn’t sign him to a contract.
Rhodes hits the bear with his Darkside Messenger.
Phillips: UrsusLa is out, and Rhodes lifting her up for one more-
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
Magnus: Wait, did she?
Phillips: She just hit a PECTORAL POP! And there’s another! Rhodes staggers into the ropes, charging back, nope, URSUSLA WITH A PEC-PLEX! She’s hulking up!
Magnus: I don’t believe it!
Phillips: URSUSLA IS CHANNELLING THE SPIRIT OF REDMOND FURY!
The crowd go wild as the grizzly bear starts posing for a GUN SHOW, then unloading on the malevolent giant with a series of bicep shots.
Phillips: URSUSLA IS GOING WILD! NO EASY FEAT FOR A BEAR THAT IS PRONE TO EATING PEOPLE!
Magnus: BIG BACKDROP! Rhodes quickly up to his feet gets thrown up in the air with another!
Phillips: Rhodes fights back with a knee to those bruised kidneys, and tries to pull her into a- checking notes- Helios Overdrive. NOPE!
UrsusLa blocks the driver, and reverses it into a Buckeye Breaker – dropping Rhodes on the steel steps. As the giant holds his back in pain, UrsusLa points at the far corner, much to the crowd’s approval.
Magnus: What is this? We have a stacked line-up still to come; she’ll break the damn ring-
Phillips: URSUSLA GOING UP TOP-
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
Phillips: MOONSAULT!!!
ONE!
TWO!
THREE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Magnus: What did we just witness?
DING! DING! DING!
Announcer: The winner of this contest, and NEW – NEW Fauenix Champion,
URSUSLA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Surprisingly big pop given that she has murdered at least Fury, Wombat, and Steve Awesome Matuziak.
Phillips: Is that the third or forth Phoenix title?
Magnus: I tell you, we’re getting more belts than J-ROK. Still more credible though.
Phillips: When Colossus revives from that two-ton moonsault, heads will roll.
The referee tries to hand Ursusla the championship belt, only for her to try to bite him.
MEANWHILE... INSIDE THAT BEAR.
“WE DID IT, REDMOND! THANK YOU SO MUCH!”
Redmond Fury: It was all you, Tina, but happy to hel-
Sphinx Sphincter nails Fury across the neck with a double axehandle chop. Sphinx tries to lock on The Riddle of Reflux, only for Fury to take his head off with a lariat.
Redmond Fury: Congratulations Tina!
“THANKS REDMOND! PLEASE BE CAREFUL, AND I HOPE YOU GET OUT OF THERE SOON!”
Redmond Fury: Will d-
Sphinx charges in with a spear, but Fury puts the breaks on and drops him with a Muscle Tsunami.
ONE!
TWO!
THREE!
Dirty Byrd: The winner of this match and STILL XHF PHEONIX CHAMPION, Red!
No sooner has the Sphinx been silenced, and the door opened up, then a dozen refugees from Teddingham start hobbling through it.
Redmond Fury: Are you alright?
XHF Brooklyn Brawler: Yoos gotta run! Dat skeleton raptor is right on ours tails!
“RAAAAAAAAAAAAWR!”
The sound of a Godzilla size Dinosaur Bones does seem to be drawing nearer. Picking up the unconscious Sphinx, Redmond starts to follow the crowd out.
Dirty Byrd: Who were you talking to, Red?
Redmond Fury: Our host. She seemed remarkably pleasant and level heading, considering the circumstances.
Byrd and Shockmaster give each other puzzled looks. Sadly looking away from where he’s walking causes Shockmaster to fall through another wall.
MEANWHILE, OUTSIDE A BEAR.
Magnus: Next up is the Junior Heavyweight Championship match.
Phillips: I’ve been meaning to ask, how did this match come about?
Magnus: We’ll, it was a couple weeks ago…
Magnus sits in his office. For some reason he’s wearing reading glasses and he has the XHF rule book in his hands in front of him. His face is skewed like he’s confused. He then realizes the book is upside down and turns it around. He continues reading when he’s interrupted by a knock at the door. Magnus looks annoyed and says…
Magnus: Come in.
The door swings open and Nelly Angel walks in.
Nelly: Hello boss. I got this notice here from headquarters. It seems we have the next shot at the Junior Heavyweight Championship, and I, uh…
Magnus waves his hands dismissively towards Nelly cutting him off.
Magnus: We don’t have any Junior Heavyweights available. Tell them we’ll pass.
Nelly: Well boss I am a Junior…
Magnus: Thanks Nelly, file the paperwork for me and there’ll be a nice bonus for ya.
Nelly shrugs and walks out.
Magnus: Come in.
The door swings open and Nelly Angel walks in.
Nelly: Hello boss. I got this notice here from headquarters. It seems we have the next shot at the Junior Heavyweight Championship, and I, uh…
Magnus waves his hands dismissively towards Nelly cutting him off.
Magnus: We don’t have any Junior Heavyweights available. Tell them we’ll pass.
Nelly: Well boss I am a Junior…
Magnus: Thanks Nelly, file the paperwork for me and there’ll be a nice bonus for ya.
Nelly shrugs and walks out.
Phillips: And the champion is already in the ring ready to go, but he’s alone. I thought he had a stable.
Magnus: Oh I banned Sky Force from the arena. They’ve got beef with our tag champs and I don’t want to lose that sweet Super Sake money.
Phillips: What about Florida Man?
Magnus: He's too busy trying to pull a man out of a bear.
"Rip it Up" by Jet hits as the crowd gets on their feet. Nelly Angel comes out, pumped for his match. His brother Randy Angel follows him out to the ring along with his partner Kris Quake. Nelly tries to wave them both off and takes off down the ramp, sliding into the ring when he gets there, but his friends don’t leave and follow. He's ready for a hot match!
Phillips: So you’ve banned the stuffed cats team, but Nelly get the tag champs?
Magnus: That’s a real cat sir.
Phillips: Sure it is.
XHF Junior Heavyweight Championship Match
Charles (c) vs Nelly Angel
In the ring Nelly stares Charles up and down, but the squeaky clean Nelly doesn’t know what to do with a stuffed cat. He turns to the ref and begins asking him what to do. The ref shrugs his shoulders and the two begin a conversation. While the ref is distracted Randy sneaks into the ring. He picks up Charles and waves to his brother before punting the cat 10 rows deep into the crowd. Randy quickly slides back out of the ring just before the ref turns back around. The ref looks wildly for the Champion, but cannot locate the cat. Nelly points to the tenth row where an excited fan is holding Charles in the air. The ref starts making the ten count.
Magnus: I think Randy thinks he was helping, but his brother can’t win the title on a count out.
Phillips: You’d think such an accomplished wrestler like Randy would know better, but I don’t think he’s been sober in years so maybe he doesn’t.
As the ref slowly makes his count the crowd reacts by crowd surfing the Sky Force member towards the ring. He reaches the front row as the count reaches 6 and a fan in the front row launches him back in the ring. The champ hits the ring and rolls a bit before coming to a halt. Nelly looks down at him still unsure what to do. The ref looks to Nelly and begins to ask him how Charles ended up in the crowd. Nelly, not a great liar, just shrugs. The ref is reading him the riot act when Kris Quake slides in the ring, and like Randy before him, picks up the Junior Heavyweight Champion and punts him harder than his tag partner sending Charles into the twentieth row. The ref turns back just seconds too late as Quake is back on the outside and Charles again is nowhere to be found. This time Nelly plays dumb like he didn’t see where Charles went. The ref looks around and finally located the champ and again begins the count.
Magnus: Quake should know better. That man has won multiple singles and tag championships. He knows the rules.
Phillips: Either he doesn’t or doesn’t care if his reluctant stablemate wins.
Again the crowd is eager to see the fan favorite retain the right way so they begin crowd surfing the champ back again. It’s taking longer this time due to the distance, but the crowd tosses the cat in right as the ref reaches nine on the count. Again the ref admonishes Nelly knowing he must have part in what’s going on. Nelly explains he doesn’t want to win by count out so why would he be apart of this. The ref doesn’t agree and begins waving his finger in Nelly’s face. While this is going on Randy again slides in the ring and grabs his brother’s opponent. This time he kicks the champ sky high into the air. The champ nearly hits the rafters and begins tumbling back down towards Nelly.
Magnus: This could be disaster.
Phillips: The champ is gaining speed fast.
Magnus: If he lands this amazing high flying move on Nelly this could be the end.
Phillips: Amazing high flying move? He was punted at least thirty feet in the air.
Magnus: You’re right, if he lands the highest of high flying moves.
Charles plummets towards the mat from on high and Nelly in the ring is none the wiser. Charles high flying techniques seem to be locked in on the target, but at the last moment Randy yells at his brother causing him to turn towards his brother. This causes Charles to miss and fall right in front of his opponent. Nelly shugs and lays down on the champion. The referee drops down and makes the count.
Winner and NEW XHF Junior Heavyweight Champion: Nelly Angel
Phillips: Wow, that is a big win for GUNS
Magnus: Ugh, this means I have to treat Nelly like a real wrestler.
While Magnus has a crisis over if it is a good or a bad thing that Nelly won the Junior Heavyweight Championship we cut to the locker room where El Rey is taping up his wrists when the door swings open. El Rey looks up and his eyes get big and then he dismissively rolls his eyes. The camera pans out to see Venom, El Rey’s father, standing in front of him.
El Rey: What do you want.
Venom walks over to his son, reaches down and lifts up his sons’ chin to get eye contact.
Venom: I’ve been gone too long. A lot has changed. I just wanted to tell you…
Venom chokes up a bit as El Rey’s face is full of disdain.
Venom: …I’m proud of you.
Venom turns and exits the locker room leaving the young man confused. The approval he's been searching for is finally his, but he doesn't seem happy about it.
Phillips: Venom is back and he's, proud?, of his son.
Magnus: Looks like it. Good to see one of the XHFs best back.
Phillips: Yeah, and the founder of this company. What does that mean for you?
Magnus: Next up is our dream match.
Phillips: Just gonna ignore that huh?
Magnus: ...
Backstage, UrsusLa looks worse for wear from her Colossus beating. Several veterinarians / paramedics attempt to check on her, but are concerned about being eaten. Finally an animal control expert enters the space, and shoots her with a tranquilizer gun.
URSUSLA: RAWWWWWW.
The bear passes out.
The animal control expert puts down his tranquilizer gun, to check on the doped up beast.
A fatal mistake.
Florida Man: You fine folks don’t need to trouble yourselves, I gots this.
Entering frame, Florida Man picks up the tranquilizer gun. Moments later, FML uses it to shoot the paramedics, then the animal control expert. The three slump to the floor unconscious.
Production Assistant: Has anyone seen Charl*
You’d better believe Florida Man pumps him full of animal tranquilizer too.
Referee Ty Thorton: Oh my, what ha*
Another body hits the floor. Florida Man even tranquilizes himself, not that he’d ever pass out, FML is immune to consequences, but to get a buzz on.
Florida Man: Now to get some evidence that THAT BITCH MAGNUS murdered his husband and fed him to a bear.
Gazoo: Top notch crime fighting skills, Flo.
Florida Man: I tell you, I’d be Sherlock Holmes if it weren’t for my amazing Magnum P.I. ‘stache.
Opening up the sleeping Grizzly Bear’s maw, Florida Man shoves his arm down it.
Gazoo: Are you sure that’s safe?
Florida Man: Natch. My Senior Yearbook didn’t vote me “most likely to have his arm torn off by a grizzly while trying to search for clues in a Joe Exoticesque murder mystery” for nothin. You worry too much, Gaz.
Florida Man continues to reach around, while viewers at home wait anxiously for his arm to be torn off.
Florida Man: ‘cause if I ever did become the one armed bandit, why, we’d make a mint.
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!”
A scream! You can’t watch FML get maimed. No wait. Rather than Florida bleeding out, the scream comes from a man who’s just been torn out of the beast’ maw.
A blinding almost magical white light streams out of the mouth. The first thing that passed through it though, is far larger than opening – a half naked and quite hysterical man.
Ken out of the Box: What happened to my box?
Ken looks down at his heart covered boxing shorts. Where is the box? Turning back to the portal, Ken starts to run back in – only to be held back by Florida Man.
Florida Man: Easy there trunks, I just saved your life.
Unboxed Ken: What happened to my home? I have to go back in there.
Florida Man: No can do, trunks. I aim to fish around in this here bear until I find evidence that Magnus is a murderer, or it kills me. I don’t know how these things work, but I ain’t gonna risk you going back until after I gots what I need. So cool your dang jets.
Unboxed Ken nods in understanding, then starts running towards the mouth / portal anyway.
So Florida Man tranquilizes him.
Florida Man: There just ain’t no talking to crazy.
Gazoo: Looks like more coming this way-
MEANWHILE, INSIDE THE BEAR.
Fury and company arrive at the bottom of a mountain of fish. At the top appears to be a glowing white portal.
XHF Mantaur: Mooooooooooo-Hey everybody it looks like Moooooooongo is finally letting us free!
The XHF version of Mantaur starts climbing mount omega-3, followed by a dozen other X-Zone denizens.
Redmond Fury: What’s going on up there?
Dirty Byrd: Oh right, you came the other way. Well, that looks like our ticket out of this dive.
“RAAAAAAAAAAAAAWR!”
Dirty Byrd: ...And not a moment too soon!
Byrd and Shockmaster start racing up the jagged fish faces. Fury stops to help Sphinx over a particularly steep ledge.
Dirty Byrd: What are you doing, Red?
Redmond Fury: I have to help the stragglers make it out too.
Dirty Byrd: You’re all heart.
“RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWR!”
The growls are growing closer.
Dirty Byrd: Just hurry up!
Byrd and Shockmaster start helping Fury to lift smaller wrestlers to safer footing.
MEANWHILE, OUTSIDE THE BEAR.
The lights become dark and the titantron lights up with a feed of static, just as the opening synth beat to ‘Kingslayer’ begins to play over the speakers before the song erupts the crowd and the lights come back to life, flashing down onto the stage and even onto the crowd itself. A singular spotlight separates itself from the rest and shines down onto the entrance curtain as the lyrics kick in.
“Hi, are you looking for the other side?
Feel like nothing ever seems quite right?
Are you circling the drainpipe, getting off on pain like
You're corrupted?”
As the lyrics continue, the figure of Jason Long steps out from behind the curtain to a loud ovation, with a large smile resting on his face as he stops at the top of the ramp. The King glances down onto the camera looking up towards him, a cocky smile being given towards the camera before opening up his jacket and pushing it behind him– beginning his walk down to the ring, mouthing off to the camera as he does.
“Kingslayer, destroying castles in thе sky
Kingslayer, forevermore the apple of my eye
I'd sacrifice my life to find you, angel of the blade
Kingslayer, come and collect us from the night”
With the lights all focusing down onto the ringside area, Jason moves along the floor and hops up onto the apron - on the side where the hardcam can get a good look at him - as he leans back against the ropes before entering through the middle ropes. Jason heads into the closest corner to him and climbs up onto the second rope, looking out into the crowd as the introduction is given.
Magnus: Introducing first/And his opponent… wrestling out of Wexford Town, County Wexford, Ireland and weighing in tonight at one hundred and ninety-five pounds… HE IS THE KING OF WRESTLING... THE BEST BOUT FUCKIN' MACHINE... THIS IS JAASSOOOONNNNNNN LOOOOOONNNNNNNGGGGGGG!!!!
Just as his name is shouted down the microphone, Jason out-stetched his arms wide and roars out to the crowd, keeping a smile on his face as he does. removes his leather ring jacket and throws it down to the ringside area before hopping down off of the ropes and leaning back against the turnbuckles.
Magnus: Here comes a cocksure guy who has done almost everything there is to do.
Phillips: I’ll tell you who is cocksure.
The lights go out as the beginning of "Bow Down" by I Prevail plays through the PA system, as a circle of flames erupts on the stage. Through the flames, slowly emerges Spike Kane as he fully emerges, the song kicks in.
"GET ON YOUR KNEES AND BOW DOWN!!!"
Spike steps through the flames and heads to the ring, taking off his jacket as he prepares for a fight.
Magnus: ….and now the God of Xtreme makes his way to the ring without the theatrics for once.
Phillips: I think this is going to be an old fashioned slobberknocker.
XHF Dream Match
Jason Long vs Spike Kane
The two men stand opposite the each other in their respective corners. The referee is giving Jason Long a quick oncer over, before coming over to check Spike. The entire time the two men do not stop staring each other down. The intensity in the building feeling like it has shifted a little.
Magnus: This feels like something a little special here, don’t you think?
Phillips: Well we’ve always got something special on the GUN Show, but these two might actually tear each others heads off.
Magnus: Oh I hope not, the paperwork from the last time that ha- I mean, it’s time for the bell!
As the referee calls for the bell both Spike and Long charge at each other. The two collide in the middle of the ring and just begin to absolutely wail on each other. Lefts, rights, body blows, elbows. The two are firing off shots that would stagger others. As Spike lunges for a huge right hook, Long ducks underneath and sprints towards the ropes, as Spike turns around to catch up Jason launches himself across the ring and almost takes Spike Kane’s head off with the Blade Runner!
Magnus: Wow you were right, he nearly took Spike’s head off!
Spike rolls to his feet and is about to turn on Long, when Jason launches from his feet and hits a picture perfect dropkick pushing Spike back into the corner. Long delivers a quick few kicks to the torso of Kane before backing off while The God of Xtreme looks staggered. Jason builds up a head of steam and charges at Spike, but at the last moment Spike pops Long up and launches him into the middle of the ring with the Blood God’s Wrath!
Phillips: Oh! Stopped with impact right there.
Magnus: Just as Long was building up some steam and offence, Spike takes him down with a big move.
Spike staggers forwards with anger on his face. He places his foot on top of Jason Long and roars at the referee to count the fall. The ref drops down, but Long kicks out before he can even get to a one count. In an instant, Jason shifts his weight and grabs the ankle of Spike Kane, taking him down to the ground and locking in a variation of the anklelock.
Magnus: A pinfall ringing with disrespect-but wait!
Phillips: He’s got Spike in the ankelock! The last time Spike was in an anklelock was when Anthony Caffrey took him out of Call to Arms!
Magnus: So there’s a history?
Phillips: Well not really, but kind of.
Magnus: Doesn’t Spike use the ankelock too?
Phillips: Since about 2001 yeah….
Long wrenches the ankle hard, and Spike shouts out as he reaches for the ropes but is way too far. Kane tries to start dragging himself to the ropes, but Jason takes a step and then wraps both legs around the leg of Spike and wrenches the ankelock harder. Spike punches the mat before wildly swinging at Long - who is just out of reach. The referee drops to a knee and begins to ask Spike if he’s ready to give up.
Phillips: This could be quite an upset here. If Jason Long can pull this off!?
Magnus: It’d be a big deal that’s for sure. To take Spike down so easily?
Jason and Spike are both grimacing and straining but for clearly different reasons. Jason looks like for all intents and purposes he’s going to break the ankle of Spike Kane, but Kane just as he reaches for the ropes and realises he’s not going to be able to get there grabs the referee by the shirt and pulls him down hard onto Jason Long, forcing Long to break the hold!
Magnus: Smart move by-wait, Hey! That’s our referee!
Phillips: Finger on the button there sir.
Magnus: You know we don’t want to have to fork out for more work comps again.
Phillips: ….again?
Magnus: How do you think we feed the bears?
Kane uses the ropes to pull himself out of the ring, hopping about a bit as he tries to put weight on the ankle that Long seemed intent on destroying. With a few grimaces Spike manages to take a few steps, however, back in the ring, Jason has managed to shove the referee off of him and has spotted Spike on the outside. Long lines Spike up and he runs across the ring, jumping onto the top rope and leaping off into….BLOODY SUNDAY!!
Phillips: What!?
Magnus: How did he even!?
As Long leaps off the rings Spike grins, and spins around catching Long flush in the side of the head with the Bloody Sunday. Long crumples into a heap at ring side, and Spike falls back into the security rail, the damage to his ankle stopping him from being able to press the advantage. In a rage, but also using the table to keep his balance, Spike begins to push, shove, pull, just force everything off the announcers table.
Magnus: Hey come on! Those are my notes! How am I supposed to know which JFK product to sell!?
Spike rounds on Magnus, fire in his eyes.
Spike: I’m the JFK product you’re fucking selling!
Todd Phillips pulls Magnus away from Spike as both announcers shift away from their desk and towards the time keepers area.
Phillips: He’s like a man possessed!
Magnus: Did he just call himself a product?
Phillips: He’s not technically wrong, is he?
Still limping Spike looks around at the small dose of carnage he’s unleashed before looking down at Jason, and then back at the table. He grabs Long by the hair and drags him to the security barrier, stepping on a steel chair before stepping up onto the barrier itself.
Phillips: I’m not sure I like where this is going.
Magnus: It looks expensive.
Spike cracks his neck, soaking in the moment as he pulls Long up by his hair once more, however Jason bursts to life! He nails Spike with a wicked low blow, before in ridiculous speed he steps up onto the steel chair and slowly but surely he lifts Spike up from between the legs and….DEUS EX MACHINA THROUGH THE ANNOUNCERS TABLE!!!
Magnus: My noooooootes!
Phillip: I think I left my phone….open…..on tinder….
The camera shifts to show the absolute wreckage amongst the announcers table as Spike Kane lays among the shattered wood, with Jason Long just to the side taking big deep breaths, trying to catch it. After a few moments he begins to pull himself towards the ring, using the ring apron to pull himself up with, and then roll into the ring. He looks up to the referee, who is not counting. Long shouts up and asks why he isn’t counting, but the referee is too busy selling the “pain” from falling onto Long earlier.
Phillips: That’s some terrible officiating right there.
Magnus: Maybe, or maybe he knows the fans don’t want this to end in a count out?
With a look of disbelief, Long rolls back out of the ring and begins to pull bits of wood, and sheets of paper off of Spike Kane - however, as he does so we can see Spike Kane holding what looks to be a phone and swiping to the left furiously.
Magnus: What is he-?
Phillips: MY PHONE! MY TINDER PROFILE!
Long reaches down for Spike, but Kane cracks the cellphone off the head of Jason Long, causing him to stagger back a little. This gives Spike enough time to stagger to his feet and literally fling himself at Long. The two brawling through the wreckage, and then against the ring apron. Spike connects with a stiff headbutt that rocks Long, and he goes to pick him up. Spike lifting Long right up into the air.
Phillips: I’d lose my shit because he’s going for the Spike Impailer, but he broke my phone…
Magnus: On the outside! That does extra damage!
Phillips: ….now how am I going to hook up after the show? Daddy needs to face fu-
Magnus: Don’t. Just don’t.
As Kane repositions himself, ready to drop Long he suddenly shouts out and drops to a knee, his ankle giving out underneath him. As he drops to a knee the sudden jerk of motion snaps Long awake, from his vertical position he knees Spike in the head, Spike drops Long, who takes a few steps back ready to launch a bicycle knee into the side of Spike’s head, but Kane lunges into the ring, rolling through to all fours, clutching at his ankle.
Magnus: Spike definitely looks like a wounded animal. Jason Long has really brought the fight to him.
Magnus: A King versus a God, and the King is on top! …no wait, I’m on to-...nevermind.
Long tilts his head as he tries to figure out what Spike is doing, then a grin spreads across his face. He moves backwards around the corner of the ring on the outside, before rolling in and starting to measure up Spike.
Magnus: What is Long doing? He has Kane right where he wants him.
Phillips: He’s gonna….He’s gonna hit him with the Vanity Killer! YEAH KICK HIS PHONE BREAKING HEAD OFF!!!
As Long explodes from the corner ready to kick Spike’s head to the moon, Spike rolls backwards out of the way, into the turnbuckle - using it to pull himself up. Jason swings and misses, his leg hanging in the air for a second before he spins round to the sadistic smile of Spike Kane, who kicks him in the gut and hits the THUNDERSTRUCK!!!
Magnus: Oh that was a thing of beauty!
Phillips: This could be it!
Spike scrambles onto Long as he drops, nodding his head in time with what should be the referee’s count, but the referee hasn’t moved. Instead he is stood by the side of the ring, leaning over the top rope and sticking a finger in his eye. Spike climbs to his feet and begins to berate the referee who mentions a “contact lens” before Spike kicks HIM in the gut and then nails the referee with a Thunderstruck!
Magnus: WHAT IS GOING ON!?
Spike begins to pull at the referee, eventually managing to rip the shirt right off of him, before Spike walks to the ropes and throws the shirt at Magnus, telling him to count the fall! However, as he does so, Magnus begins to pull the ripped shirt over his head, Long sneaks up from behind and he rolls up Spike!
Phillips: Long might have it!
Magnus: He’s gonna wi-wait…oh shit.
Magnus sprints through the wreckage and slides into the ring to count the fall….ONE! …..TWO! ….THRE-NO!!!! SPIKE KICKS OUT!
Phillips: This lunacy is almost too much for me. Magnus is now the official, we have no table, Spike broke my phone, and now Papa Phillips isn’t getting laid tonight.
As Spike kicks out, he manages to create some distance between himself and Jason, who looks up at Spike from his knees and with a smile on his face, simply gives Spike the middle finger on both hands. Spike smiles and nods, before he twists his body and once again absolutely NAILS Long in the head with the Bloody Sunday! As Long drops to the mat, Spike all but collapses on top of him, and Magnus counts the fall….ONE! …..TWO! ……….THREE!!!
Winner: Spike Kane
Magnus: It’s over! This brawl between Irishman had a little bit of everything, but if I had to be truthful? I don’t think this is over between them.
Inside the ring Spike sits on all fours next to Long. Magnus raises Spike’s hand, but he doesn’t seem to care. He stares down at Jason Long, who is starting to take some deep breaths. Spike pats him on the chest, before rolling out of the ring, raising a singular arm as “Bow Down” by I Prevail hits the sound system.
MEANWHILE... INSIDE THE BEAR.
Pete Rose disappears into the white light.
Redmond Fury, Dirty Byrd, and Shockmaster stand on top of a mountain of fish, helping XHF Max Mini into the portal.
Dirty Byrd: I think that’s the last of them, Red. Looks like this is it.
Redmond Fury: I couldn’t have got this far without you two, thank you.
Dirty Byrd: Don’t sweat it, Red. We’re in this together.
Redmond Fury: After you guys.
The three nod at each other.
XHF Shockmaster: Follow me if you want to-
Slipping on a fish, Shockmaster tumbles backwards, falling a good twenty feet down the mountain.
At that moment, the hulking kaiju form of Dinosaur Bones lumbers through an entrance into the cavern. He looks normal size from the extreme height of the mountain, but as he starts charging up the hill – that will change fast.
DINOSAUR BONES: DELICIOUS FLESHLINGS!
Sliding down the fish wall to the crevice that Shockmaster has landed on, Redmond Fury tries to help his accident-prone friend up with little time to spare before The Dread Lord reaches them.
Redmond Fury: You okay, Shock?
Shockmaster: I’m two left feet, Red.
Redmond Fury: Give me your hand, Shoc-
Dirty Byrd stabs Redmond Fury in the stomach with a shiv.
Then the referee pulls the large man down for a cover, which he counts himself.
ONE!
TWO!
THREE!
Dirty Byrd: THE WINNER OF THIS MATCH, AND NEW XHF PHOENIX CHAMPION- MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!
Reaching down, Byrd rips the Phoenix title off of Fury’s blood spewing abs.
Redmond Fury: Byr- why?
Chuckling, Byrd smacks Fury in the face with the belt before he can put up a fight.
Dirty Byrd: We're a little past questions.
Grabbing Fury by the back of the neck, Shockmaster then throws him halfway down the mountain of fish.
Shockmaster: Whoops.
The XHF Originals look down at their gory benefactor with sadistic grins, even as the giant dinosaur skeleton closes in on their victim.
Dirty Byrd: Be seeing you, Red.
The devious duo disappear into the white light.
Coughing up blood, losing consciousness, the only thing that keeps Fury in the moment are the enraged howls of the rapidly approaching Dinosaur Bones. Digging deep, Fury starts to crawl up the mountain – at half the speed that Bones charges behind him. The Dread Lord draws closer, and in his half dead state, Fury’s only chance is to make it out first.
Not looking back, Fury drags himself up higher and higher, until the light is almost within grasp.
MEANWHILE... OUTSIDE THE BEAR.
Mongo The Destroyer is walking.
Mongo: Did you take care of it?
Bonnie Jenkins (holds up hand sans wedding ring): I'm in the clear.
Mongo: What? No. Not that - the X-Zone.
Bonnie gives Mongo a blank expression, but his attention has already turned to a slime covered XHF Johnny Valiant staggering around a craft service table.
Mongo: No!
A glimmer of fear in his eyes, The Destroyer starts charging down the hallway almost running smack dab into the XHF versions of The Rock, Steve Austin, and Greg Gagne.
XHF Greg Gagne: Where's the fire pa-
Mongo shoves Gagne to the floor, his pace quickening with every slime covered star he comes across. Before finally coming across an unconscious bear-
Mongo: How many got out?
Everyone's favourite future XHF Hall of Fame greets the boss with a smile.
L.A. Wombat: I'M BACK!
Mongo gives the sludge drenched Wombat a dirty look, and then turns to Florida Man for the answer.
Florida Man: I reckon that's all of 'em-
Mongo: Damn it... but did you see a bird?
Florida Man: A bird? That bitch Magnus has been feeding this bear dead husbands, not KFC. Ain't no birds coming out of it!
A sigh of relief.
Mongo: Thank goodness... then nothing has been done that can't be un-
Florida Man: I mean John Cena came through here wearing a filthy feather outfit, but he's no bird.
Mongo looks like someone just walked on his grave.
Mongo: There is no Cena... wait - did... he look like a dirty bird?
Florida Man: That's the one.
Mongo: ...What have you done?
The leader of Sky Force puffs out his chest in pride.
Florida Man: Rescued all these folks like a hero!
Mongo: Some hero. ...You've just doomed us all. That wasn't John Cena... it's the single most dangerous, unpleasant, grotesque abomination to ever step foot in the XHF-
A pin drops.
L.A. Wombat: You mean...
Mongo: The XHF Gobbledy Gooker.
The three men look terrified at the prospect of the horror unleashed from inside the bear.
There is no trace of Redmond Fury, most likely the latest victim of The Dread Lord’s insatiable appetite. Yet as sad as the second death by being eaten is, you get the feeling that everyone is going to be joining him in oblivion soon.
Magnus: The following contest is scheduled for one fall and is for the XHF X*Crown Championship! Introducing the challenger, from the depths of Japan, he is the One Armed Bandit Dylan Black!
No music plays. Either Magnus can't afford the rights to his theme or Magnus doesn't give a shit. Either way Dylan comes out cross and one-armed. No fanfare, no greetings. Just rolls into the ring and leans in a corner, waiting on his opponent.
Philips: How do we think the former-two time X*Crown Champion is going to fare in this contest?
Magnus: He has one arm Philips, and not his touching arm. How do you think?
Philips: He's gotten a few wins over El Rey and thinks he can notch another. A win here means he becomes the first ever three time X*Crown Champion!
Magnus: Oh man, Mongo would hate that.
“HOOOOOOOOOOOOWL”
“All rise fore the king of all wolves now arrives.”
The voice of James Earl Mother Fucking Jones echos over the speakers. How did he get James Earl Jones to say that? It wasn’t a Cameo I’ll tell you that and it cost a pretty penny. Shortly after James Earl Jones speaks Big Sean’s “Wolves” begins to play. The stage lights up with a spotlight and smoke fills the stage. Two men dressed as royal guards walk out and produce swords. They turn and point them into the air touching near the tips and El Rey walks out wearing a crown with the BDDWF Ultimate Championship side plate front and center in the middle of the Crown. Waving in the breeze from fans under the stage is a red cape with the side plates of the other 22 championships that comprise the X*Crown sewn in. El Rey looks around at the booing audience before lifting his head raising his nose in the air showing his superiority over everyone in the audience. He walks under the two swords and makes his way to the ring. He walks up the stairs and steps into the ring. He demands a mic and the ring announcer reluctantly hands it over.
El Rey: Welcome to my show, my ring, Dylan. You may have gotten one up on me in Japan, but not you’re playing by my rules, and with one arm hahahahahaha.
Phillips: The champion is as cocky as ever.
Magnus: If you’d ever met his dad you’d think this was tame.
X*Crown Championship Match
El Rey (c) vs Dylan Black
The bell rings and El Rey mocks Dylan in the center of the ring trying a similar technique to Steve where he does a test of strength only for Dylan to have one arm! Dylan grabs him and puts him in a headlock, only for Rey to push him against the ropes and send him off! Dylan bounces back, drop down by Rey. Leapfrog. Single leg dropkick-oh, nobody home! Rey gets up and Dylan drives a knee into the gut, lifting El Rey before a spinning heel kick to the gut. He tries a roundhouse kick but El Rey ducks and chop blocks him! El Rey locks him in a heel hook on his non-robo leg and wrenches that hold, Dylan yells in pain and tries to kick him in the jaw! He cant! Dylan tries to crawl to the ropes and gets a decent way there before El Rey drags him back! It's on the drag back that Dylan rolls over and pulls Rey in for a headbutt!
Philips: Very back-and-forth so far!
Magnus: Black's got tenacity I'll give him that!
Dylan kips up and stomps on the arm of Rey, asking if he wants to know what it's like to have one arm! Dylan applies an arm bar using his legs, one leg in Rey's shoulder and the other cranking his arm back! He then uses his arm to hook it on Rey's chin and rolls over! Rings of Saturn! Tazz would probably have a long complicated name for this. Rey cries out and tries to spin himself to the ropes. He uses his legs to kick and fight but can't make too much progress! He rolls Dylan over for a pin, stretching his arms for a moment but Dylan won't let himself get pinned for this! Dylan kicks out before losing his chance at the X*Crown. Rey gets up and Irish whips Dylan into a corner, following up for a high knee! Followed by a bulldog! You hear Dylan splat on the mat as Rey stands on the back of his neck, arms raised and gloating for the crowd!
Magnus: Champ's in control here!
Philips: For now. Match is young and could go either way.
Magnus: Yeah but Dylan has one arm! No way can he beat anyone with two arms!
Philips: That sounds ableist.
Rey picks Dylan up, yelling at him and telling him he isn't going to beat him ever again. He puts Dylan in position for the Society Killer, going for an end super early. He gets Dylan upside down and hooks his arms before Dylan wiggles a leg free and bops him right on the noggin! Rey drops him and stumbles back, and Dylan gets up before getting blasted with a low dropkick to topple him over. Rey feeds him a few stiff knees to the ribs before standing up and hitting him with a running splash! Warrior style! Dylan rolls out of the ring and Rey rolls out onto the apron, getting away from Dylan to go for something big! He runs the length and jumps! A hurricanrana! No! Dylan uses all his strength to hold onto him, lifting him up for a powerbomb on the apron! Good god almighty! Dylan rolls him over the bottom rope, head over the ropes so he can back up then run the length of the side of the ring... DRIVE BY! HE BLASTS EL REY WITH A BIG DROPKICK TO SEND HIM PACKING BACK HOME!... I mean Atlanta is El Rey's home so he doesn't go far I guess.
Philips: The challenger is coming back! El Rey could be in trouble.
Magnus: Hey. Champ retains on DQ or count out.
Dylan picks Rey up in the ring and puts him in position for a DDT, before going for a softer landing. That's because he's got Rey in a guillotine choke! He wraps his legs around Rey's torso to keep him locked in! Rey tries to push himself up to a standing position, charging at a turnbuckle and crushing Dylan! He does hurt his neck though, taking time to nurse it. He doesn't notice Dylan stalking him, to drop him with a neck breaker! Dylan mounts him and wraps his arm around Rey's chin, trying for a move that looks like the love child of a camel clutch and dragon sleeper. Rey's slippery and gets out, running at Dylan who drops him back down with an arm drag! He follows through, lifting him up then throwing Rey up and over with a koshi guruma! He soccer kicks Rey in the gut, before hitting a senton on the champ!
Phillips: Deadly combo by the challenger.
Magnus: El Rey needs to get back into this, I don’t want the X*Crown to leave GUNS so soon.
Rey rolls to the outside and sits on the apron, dangerous spot. Dylan grabs Rey by the hair and pulls him up to his feet, trying to lift him up and over for a suplex! Rey knees him in the gut though, and suplexes him up and ONTO THE APRON! Dylan rolls off crying out, holding his back as Rey kind of cracks his back against the apron. He then lays some boots into his challenger, mouthing off about how this is his yard now, he's gonna put the old dog to sleep. Lifts him to his feet and TRIBUTE! TRIBUTE ON THE CONCRETE! I THINK DYLAN IS BUSTED OPEN DAMMIT! REOPENING SOME OF THOSE NOT-FULLY-HEALED WOUNDS FROM SUPREMACY! Dylan is groggy and spits on the floor, and Rey laughs before rolling Dylan into the ring. Rey waits for Dylan to get to his feet before he kicks Dylan in the gut, before picking Dylan up and lifting him on his shoulders!
Philips: Oh shit! He's going for the Ragnarök!
Magnus: This is Dylan Black's patented move! Only two people have ever kicked out of it! James Dragon and Brewer!
Philips: Dylan himself has kicked out of it, when Tommy Kelly used it on him.
Magnus: Does a finisher really hit the same when someone else uses it?
Philips: That's true.
While the commentators are arguing, Dylan has slipped off of Rey's shoulders and spun him around. Dylan winds back and cold cocks Rey right in the jaw! Rey drops like a sack of bricks and then suddenly the bell rings! Dylan looks confused as Magnus drops the timekeeper bell hammer and grabs a mic.
Winner by disqualification and STILL X*Crown Champion: El Rey
Magnus: Due to blatant use of a foreign object in his arm, Dylan Black is disqualified from the match!
Philips: What the hell? This is insane! And Dylan is irate! What a screw job!
Dylan is flipping out, on the second rope and screaming obscenities at Magnus. Rey sneaks behind Dylan and hits him with a low blow from behind. He laughs while holding his jaw as Dylan doubles over. The Champ calls for a mic.
El Rey: I told you you were in my house now. You should’ve read that fine print Mr. Cyborg. I knew you wouldn’t be able to help but deck me with that metal arm of yours, so I made Magnus slip in closed punches from a metal arm illegal.
El Rey laughs again, but stops quickly in pain from the shot to the jaw.
El Rey: Enjoy icing your balls, are they made of metal too?
El Rey laughs at his dumb joke as he steps out of the ring. He begins backpedaling up the ramp as he continues.
El Rey: Now I’ve beaten you when you were X*Crown Champ and when I was. I’m the best X*Crown Champion of this era now, and you’re just a pile of parts.
El Rey continues laughing at himself until he bumps into something.
Magnus: Uh oh.
Phillips: This isn’t good for the champ.
Magnus: Beating Jason Long apparently wasn’t enough.
El Rey’s eyes get wide. He looks around as the crowd is popping at who is behind the Champ. He reaches over his head and touches the face of former X*Crown Champion Spike Kane. El Rey turns around and falls backwards on his rear at the sight of the yet another member of the Pillars of Violence. Spike Kane smirks at the Champ as he slides on his posterior back down the aisle. He gets back up and turns around to the sight of Dylan Black back up in the ring staring down at him. El Rey bolts through the crowd as the credits roll.