Post by Venom 🕷 on Apr 1, 2022 20:16:59 GMT -5
Backstage, Magnus enters his office only to be greeted by two rubber, webbed feet dripping mud on his mahogany desk. Dirty Byrd leans back in the GUNS president's recliner, feet crossed comfortable using the intercom as a stool - admiring a framed picture of Magnus' Mom.
Magnus: What the hell is-
Dirty Byrd: Hope you don't mind, we let ourselves in.
The XHF Shockmaster stands behind the door, his imposing figure barely concealed by the frame. The mammoth shoves the door closed before Magnus can react, and breaks off the door knob.
XHF Shockmaster: ...whoops.
No way to retreat from this confrontation, Magnus approaches the guy dressed like a pigeon.
Magnus: OH, you're that Gobbledy joke that Mongo has sand in his vagina over! I don't personally see what the big deal is...
Dirty Byrd (looking up from the photo): I tend to ruffle a lot of feathers. Mongo? The slow witted cowboy from Blazing Saddles?
Magnus: Possibly, Mongo gets around.
Dirty Byrd (shrug): Nah. Drawing on a blank on the name. But then - I've been cooped up for a loooong time.
Magnus: Well Mongo has threatened to remove our network status if we give you air time, so figure out how to open the door, then don't let it hit you on your way to fucking off.
Dirty Byrd (holding up picture): Mind if I keep this for the old spank bank? You'd be surprised what being off the grid for five years does to one's finances.
Magnus: As a matter of fact-
Dirty Byrd (frame disappearing in his grey feathered mass): Speaking of green - I'm going to be working out of contract, so despite appearances, expect me to take you to the cleaners.
Magnus: I'm calling the police.
Dirty Byrd: What a kidder. I like your sense of humour, but where is the gratitude? After all, thanks to us - you stand to make a mint on your recently deceased ball and chain-
Magnus: I didn't know we were married!
Dirty Byrd: Hear ya Maggs, run through wives like kleenex myself. Birds aren't meant to be caged, but you're still going to work with me-
The XHF Goobledygooker tosses the Phoenix championship onto the desk.
Magnus: Please, I have a dozen Phoenix titles-
Beat.
Magnus: Wait, that's the real one!
Dirty Byrd: Yeah, I won it off your better half. So whether you like it or not- I am GUNS champion.
Magnus: ...God damn it.
Dirty Byrd: I get that a lot. Now I don't want to tell you how to run your company, but there are a few too many Phoenix titles that are tarnishing the validity of my belt. If you can't reign them in... well... bodies will be turning up for months to come.
Standing up, Byrd empties a box of Cuban cigars into his filthy mass of feathers, before heading towards the door.
Magnus: Um. Yes! I've got it! We're going to have a unification match! Yes, one up the Scott Hall tribute show with a ladder unification match - no, a Tables, Ladders and BEARS match at the Pre-Rumble!
Dirty Byrd: Televised executions? Maggs, you tease.
Magnus: All four championship belts hung from the rafters, and the real Phoenix is the one that retrieves them. Of course, to get all eyes on it we should have each champion defend tonight... L.A. Wombat against his recently returning tag partner, Unboxed Ken. UrsusLa taking strides towards our bear division by defending against Yogi. ...Greg Adkins will have the toughest challenge of all, trying to make his belt look worthy of the contest after the damage that Jameson did to it. ...And you? Well you're the real champion, you don't have to prove it to anyone, so we'll throw you a softball in... Colossus Rhodes.
Dirty Byrd: Don't know a Rhodes. You can throw someone tougher if you want, I wouldn't be able to get away with murder- if I couldn't back it up.
The XHF Goobledygooker starts urinating on Magnus rug while continuing the conversation.
Magnus: No, no, Rhodes will be fine. After all, you just got back - so even if he's a pushover, it'll give you a chance to work off the ring rust.
Byrd finishes writing his real name in cursive, but it looks like a squiggly line.
Dirty Byrd: Very considerate pal.
There is a loud knocking at the door. The XHF Stormtrooper nods at Byrd, then slaps the top letting it fall to the ground. A stern man in a cheap beige suit looks down at the damage.
Man: I didn't-
Dirty Byrd: Doesn't know his own strength.
Man: Mister Magnus? My name is Lorne Brentwood, and I'm the insurance investigator handling your spouse's case...
Magnus: There has been a horrible mistake-
Dirty Byrd: Well that's our cue to take flight. ...Be seeing you... killer.
The XHF Goobledygooker snatches his title of the perplexed owner's face. The massive figure of the XHF Stormtooper follows after the unpleasant bird.
Magnus feels like his world just got a lot more unpleasant.
Lorne Brentwood: So what made you take such a large bear eating policy on Redmond Fury?
MEANWHILE INSIDE A BEAR...
DARKNESS.
Boom, pow, bang! We cut back to Guns Arena. The crowd is hot and we pan around and see the signs of the crowd. For some reason all the signs are the same "#IStandWithMongo." Weird, but they all seem into it and we finally stop on Magnus and Tom Phillips at ringside.
Magnus: Welcome to another gun show!
Phillips: We've got a huge show tonight.
Magnus: April Fools! No show tonight, roll the credits!
Credits roll and we're through. We cut to the next commercial on the Network.
We cut to the ring after that brief April Fools joke where Ryle O’Kiley and Robert Shark are already in the ring.
Philips: Now it’s on to our next match with the first team already in the ring, because we don’t have a budget for their entrance music.
Magnus: I only pay for winners.
Philips: Then why are the Borgs here?
Magnus: They gave me an arm once, I owe ‘em.
Philips: But they blew up the old gym.
Magnus: Yeah, but an arm!
"Am I Evil" by Metallica hits the speakers and the stage fills with mist. Strobe lights go on all throughout the arena. Evil-Borg and Heavymetal-Borg come out together and Heavymetal-Borg is air guitaring to the music. They make their way to the ring throwing up the devil horns and threatening fans. They climb into the ring and Heavymetal head bangs until the match starts.
Philips: Will the Borgs be able to get on track with the first step toward a GUNS tag title match?
Magnus: For belts they never lost!
The lights drop down so that only the entranceway and the ring are illuminated as a deep, throaty, laugh not unlike that of Lemmy of Motorhead gargles over the PA system. However, just as soon as it started it is replaced by the treble-busting vocals of Freddy Mercury of Queen dropping a red hot ballad on y’all. Specifically, “Play the Game” by Queen. As the song persists, “The Mental Killer” Kris “Triple Quake” Quake and “The Corn Snake” Randy Angel- better known as Off the Wagon- walk out. Well, walk is being generous, Randy is stumbling drunk- still drinking from a flask- and Quake’s walk is more of a waddle since he appears to be trying to flex all several of his muscles at the same time. Quake is also carrying folding chairs, and opens them at the entranceway for him and Angel to sit down. Randy Angel misses the chair by a mile and falls on his ass. Quake just shakes his head and sits.
Magnus: The champs are here! To play mind games with the Borgs no doubt.
Philips: I don’t know, can’t play mind games if your opponents don’t have minds.
The bell rings as Heavymetal and Evil Borg are looking up the ramp and Ryle and Robert attack them from behind! Evil gets knocked out of the ring and the two start stomping away on Heavy. The ref demands one of them leaves to their corner. Robert exits as Ryle hits a few kicks to Heavy’s ribs. Evil Borg jumps up to the apron yelling at the ref and trying to enter the ring, but the ref stops him. As the ref is distracted, Heavymetal hits a low blow on Ryle! Ryle falls to his knees as Heavy stands up. Heavy then hits a knee strike to the face! Heavy then pulls Ryle up and throws him with a belly to belly overhead suplex! Heavy then does air guitar!
Philip: Really? These guys are working for a title shot, and they want to mess around?
Magnus: I, and these people love it! You show him Heavymetal!
Philip: You know if you love them so much, you could just grant them a title shot.
Magnus: Shhhh.
Ryle gets up in the corner and Heavy charges at him, but Ryle moves out of the way and Heavy hits the turnbuckle sternum first. Ryle tags out to Robert who jumps in the ring and makes a shark fin out of his hands above his head, then starts swaying around the ring. He then gets behind Heavymetal and opens his arms wide, then stabs his fingers into Heavy’s ribs, like a shark taking a big bite!
Magnus: Robert Shark lives the gimmick brother.
Philip: Ugh.
Robert then grabs a full nelson and tries to wrestle Heavy to the ground, but Heavy pulls his way to the ropes. The ref starts the five count. Robert lets go on four and Evil runs over to yell at Robert and try to enter the ring. The ref stops him, and again Heavy uses the distraction to do a backward kick right between the legs of Robert! Mr. Shark backs up holding the family jewels and Heavy then hits a spinning backfist. Robert staggers around and Heavy grabs his arms, trapping him face to face, then delivers the Headbanger’s Ball! Headbutt after headbutt hit Robert until Heavymetal can bang his head no more! Robert falls in a head and Heavy staggers backward into his corner. Evil Borg tags himself in! Evil steps into the ring as Heavymetal grabs the ref, seemingly trying to get his bearings. Evil circles around Robert until he’s near the opponent corner, then turns around and does the Johnny Cage Splits Dick Punch right into Ryle on the apron! Ryle falls off the apron clasping at his surely swollen grapefruits. Robert is on hands and knees, trying to gather where he is, when Evil soccer kicks him…you guessed it, right in the gonads!
Philip: For the love of–
Magnus: HA HA HA! It just keeps happening!
Evil then grabs Robert by the head, places him between the legs, hooks the arms, and hits the Conquered (Angel’s Wings) right as the ref turns around. Evil covers. 1, 2, 3!
Winners: The Borgs
Quake on stage looks livid! Randy looks… asleep. Heavymetal air guitars some more as Evil Borg asks for a mic.
Evil: We have passed the first test. And we will pass all your tests, for we are the true-est and evil-est champions! Those belts will be ours again! MUA HA HA HA!
"Am I Evil" plays over the PA again as Quake does not look happy, and pulls Randy Angel up off the floor.
Backstage, The XHF Regular Army meets. The Faunex champion places a reassuring hand on the shoulder of his despondent challenger.
L.A. Wombat: Thanks again for all your help, Ken. Without you, I never would have survived inside that bear. You’re a true friend – if there is every anything I can do to repay your kindness-
Unboxed Ken: Do you have a box I can borrow?
L.A. Wombat: I actually just bought a new refrigerator, and was thinking of you. I put the package aside in my backyard, planning to give it to you. Sadly it’s been overrun with baby goats-
Unboxed Ken: And the only person capable of retrieving it is-
Together: Mongo.
A dire situation. Mongo is a very busy man. Ken can’t help but sign.
Unboxed Ken: Don’t sweat it, Wombat. It’s the thought that counts...
Production Assistant: Mister In The Box, they need you waiting in the ring for the champion’s entrance.
No entrance, some things never change. The agoraphobe musters his mental strength to enter the giant arena.
L.A. Wombat: If production doesn’t have time for Ken to get an entrance, then I don’t need one either.
The XHF Regular Army exit together.
Phillips: Both competitors entering the ring together-
Magnus: Ken and Wombat are generational rivals of the highest order – they’d both be X*Crown champions by now if they weren’t so busy competing with each other.
Phillips: There’s the bell, and a test of strength is easily won by Ken – but Wombat is quick to transition into - NAME.
Magnus: A waistlock.
Phillips: Ken is clearly uncomfortable with the hold; no one has ever been able to wrap their arms around his boxed frame before.
Magnus: Elbows are ducked, so Ken dives backwards into the corner, but Wombat manages to slide out between the legs.
Phillips: Nope, Ken reaching down and grabs the legs – but Wombat pulls him over with a NAME.
Magnus: Victory roll gets 2 before Ken muscles it into a cover of his own for two. Wombat with an arm up, but then hooks the neck for an inside cradle. Two count. Reverse inside cradle almost 3. Without that Box, Ken is proving a lot more agile – the duo rolling around the canvas with a series of counters – chain wrestling!
Phillips: Did you ever think you’d see Ken in the Box bust out these Greco Roman moves?
Magnus: Ken is really keeping up the pace – and if he was going to do it with anyone it would be with Wombat, the former tag team partners know each other so well.
Phillips: I see what you mean! L.A. Wombat trying to conjure the spirit of the demon Venom – but Ken counters with holy water!
Magnus: And Ken trying to stack a series of smaller boxes so that he can bulk up like Voltron, but Wombat setting them on fire!
Phillips: Impossible for either man to press the advantage given how familiar they are.
Crowd: BOO!
Phillips: What is he doing here?
Dirty Byrd stalks around ringside.
Magus: The XHF Phoenix Champion probably scouting his competition ahead of the big Earth Day unification match. One of these two men will be in it – where they hopefully win... because if Byrd still has the title when the dust clears, then Mongo will cancel us.
Phillips: Any clues on why Mongo hates Byrd so much?
Magnus: As near as I can tell, Byrd is really dislikeable- Wombat with a Los Authentico Driver, but Ken turns it into the Box Breaker! 1 - 2 - 3? Foot in the ropes!
Phillips: Undeterred, Ken goes for a NAME-
Magnus: That would normally be a DDT, but Ken called it the Box Drop.
Phillips: So many names! It’s no wonder I still don’t know basic holds.
Magnus: Ken goes for the Out of the Box Thinking Brainbuster, but Wombat shifts his weight, instead hitting a Marsupial Majestral 1 – 2 – what is he doing up there.
Dirty Byrd jumps up on the ring apron. The referee stops his count to tell the real Phoenix champion to leave. Wombat also gets up, to tell off his fellow titleholder. While the two are distracted, XHF Shocktrooper stumbles out from under the ring, and yanks Ken out to the floor.
Phillips: Wombat had him, but Byrd distracting the ref! I expected more from Blind Sonny Stubbs. Oh, I’m hearing the nickname now.
Magnus: Meanwhile the Shocktrooper has Ken out on the floor and-
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
CROWD: *AUDIBLE SHOCK*
Phillips: WHAT DID I JUST SEE!
Magnus: The Shockmaster just FELL through Ken!
Phillips: Isn’t he known for falling through things?
Magnus: Things not people! That was disgustingly brutal! Ken just flattened outside on the concrete like a pancake with a cherry bomb in it, we need medical attention!
Phillips: Shockmaster retreating up the aisle, bumps into the oncoming paramedics because of course he does!
Magnus: Meanwhile the damage done, Byrd jumps off the canvas just in time to miss a left hook from Wombat.
Wombat and the referee turn back to the ring. Finding no Ken, Wombat looks to the outside, and seeing the quivering mass that was Unboxed Ken, races to his best friend’s side.
Magnus: Wombat checking on Ken who is in a bad way, and Blind Stubbs with no choice but to administer the ten count.
Blind Sonny Stubbs: 1! 2! 3! 4! 5! 6! 7! 8! 9! 10!
DING! DING! DING!
Announcer: The referee has ruled this contest a double countout; therefore L.A. Wombat will retain his Fauenex championship and defend it at the Earth Day Tables, Ladders and Bears Unification match!
Phillips: Wombat getting to the big match without really winning.
Magnus: He lacks the confidence boost of a victory, and will be distracted worrying about the health of his friend. Did Dirty Byrd and XHF Shockmaster just end a man’s career, to get those small advantages over one of their opponents?
Phillips: Paramedics finally checking on Ken, and looking grim.
Magnus: If anyone can come back from this it’s Ken in the Box, but Unboxed Ken? If only Mongo could get his rejuvenating fortress of boxitude back from that goat...
As a sickened hush falls over the crowd, it becomes easier to hear Dirty Byrd laugh and point.
MEANWHILE INSIDE A DRACOLICH...
INSIDE A BEAR...
Darkness.
Jet’s “Rip it Up” blasts as out from the back comes the XHF Junior Heavyweight Champion, Nelly Angel. He looks extremely excited for a man who is about to be murdered by a pillar of violence. Nelly holds up the title to a loud cheer from the crowd before sprinting down to the ring, sliding in, and posing on the top rope with the XHF Junior Heavyweight Championship held high.
Philips: Amazing
Magnus: What? An interviewer winning a title? It’s not that shocking considering the last champ was a stuffed cat.
Philips: No I’m amazed he hasn’t been eaten by a bear yet.
Magnus: Look at him, flaunting that he’s being allowed to wrestle, it’s really shameful we’ve fallen this far.
Philips: I’m pretty sure he’s been a wrestler in several XHF Network companies.
Magnus: Ha! I didn’t know the Network had a “Staff Fights” fed!
Nelly moves to the ropes to away his opponent, Spike Kane, to come out. He watches the entrance. No Spike. He paces. No Spike. Finally Nelly looks around at the crowd and points to his head like he gets that this is a head game or trick of some sort. Nelly starts to quickly circle the ring, looking into the crowd trying to find Spike who’s almost certainly going to try to come up behind him. No Spike. Now Nelly is just confused and his face shows it.
Magnus: Hold on, I’m getting word that there’s some kind of a commotion backstage.
The camera cuts to the back where indeed there is a commotion.
Spike: WHAT!? THIS IS NONSENSE!
The “God of Xtreme” is doing his best not to flip a table over as he angrily stomps around the back. The camera moves from him to the XHF’s representative, Bonnie Jenkins.
Bonnie Jenkins: Ugh I gotta stop coming here…
She checks the scale in front of her.
Bonnie Jenkins: Look Spike, we’ve tried it three times now, you’re 225lbs, which is over the limit to compete in the Junior Heavyweight division.
Mr. Kane is about ready to punch something. Suddenly he looks down and gets an idea. Quickly he shimmies his pants off and runs back to the scale.
Spike: Ok, check now.
With an ever-so-light eye roll at classic GUNS shenanigans, Bonnie checks the weight.
Bonnie Jenkins: …223- what the heck do you keep in your pants?
Spike raises his eyebrows in a “you know” kind of way.
Bonnie Jenkins: Yeah, you can’t take that off with your pants. Either way, you’re still overweight.
Spike: GAH!
He whips his shirt off.
Spike: Again!
Bonnie Jenkins: ….223 still, just barely bu-
Off come the socks. Spike looks at his current opponent, the scale, then at Bonnie.
Bonnie Jenkins: …Still 223, they’re just socks.
Spike: What if I cut the beard off, that's a few pounds, right? RIGHT!?
Bonnie Jenkins: No, that's not how facial hair works at all.
Spike looks at Bonnie, and then looks down.
Bonnie Jenkins: No. No no, that won’t make any sort of a-
We cut to a floor camera; boxers hit the floor and are kicked away. Another sigh is heard. Spike steps back on the scale as we return to an above-the-waist shot.
Bonnie Jenkins: 222lbs, congratulations.
Spike: So I’m in?
Bonnie Jenkins: No, you’re still overweight by several pounds. Shouldn’t you have been keeping track of this as the match was approaching?
Suddenly the camera zooms in on Spike’s eyes.
Spike: …Wait just a bloody minute…RANDY.
We cut back to the ring. Nelly is still waiting, unsure if he’s about to get sneak attacked or there’s a bear-based emergency or what. Around this time Nelly’s older brother, Randy Angel makes his way from the back with a microphone. He makes a jog down to the ring then slides, looks at his brother then turns to the crowd with a big smile.
Randy: Ladies and gentlemen! It is my honor to announce that due to circumstances relating to his weight, Spike Kane will be unable to compete tonight. Which means, YOUR WINNER AND STILL XHF JUNIOR HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION- by forfeit- NELLY AAAAAAAAAANGEL!
He grabs his brother’s hand and raises it high as the crowd responds…less happily than you’d think for a nice guy like Nelly winning.
Philips: The crowd seems pretty upset that they’ve been cheated out of a match tonight.
Magnus: It’s just as well, nobody wants to see an interviewer in the ring anyway. Hopefully he can get back quickly and interview Spike about all this.
Philips: He might not have to!
Out from the back and with a blur the size of Rhode Island on his groin comes Spike Kane! He’s making a dead heat for the ring as Bonnie Jenkins and some of the backstage staff come out to make sure he doesn’t try to wrestle. But as Kane’s spike wags down to the ring it’s clear he’s not come to wrestle, he’s come for blood.
Philips: For any single women watching this, let me just say that as endowed as Spike is, I can make the magic happen like none other.
Magnus: We have a naked XHF legend coming down to the ring and you’re focusing on women!?
Philips: It seemed appropriate, given the circumstances.
Randy Angel has quickly exited the ring as Spike climbs in and gets face to face with Nelly. He stares him down, points at the JH title on Nelly’s shoulder and says, “Next time.” Then he drops to the mat and rolls out of the ring.
Magnus: Remind me to get that steam cleaned.
No it would seem that all of Spike Kane’s incredibly nude ire is aimed at Randy Angel, who had tricked him into gaining weight in the build up for this match. Randy, for his part, knows exactly what he did and isn’t waiting to seek if Spike realizes. He makes a run for it but the very naked Spike chases him around the outside of ring. Eventually he stops at the commentary table.
Randy: Hey guys, you got a little “refreshment?”
Magnus: This is a commentary desk, we don-
Philips: Here you go.
The irresponsible former WWE commentator hands Randy an airplane bottle of rum. However, this detour has stalled Randy enough for his bare hunter to arrive and lay hands on the XHF Network’s color commentator.
Randy: Look Spike, this has all been a misunderstanding. Also can I just say that your w-
It’s too late, Spike lifts Randy up, catches him on his shoulders and POP-UP POWERBOMBS HIM THROUGH THE COMMENTARY TABLE! It’s pandemonium in the GUNS arena tonight. Randy is played out with bits of table all around him, Spike has spent the last five or so minutes completely nude in front of a packed crowd and is currently standing over his opponent’s brother (whom he’s just laid out), and Tom Philips is talking to a woman in the front row gesturing both at Spike’s blurred penis and his own groin. An overhead camera catches all of this while Magnus just buries his head in his hands.
Magnus: Can we cut to inside of a bear or something? Ugh, I gotta stop letting Bonnie come to these things.
Magnus: Well fans, coming up we have our second title fight to get a seat at the Earth Day Unification match table-
Phillips: And the loser will most likely be one of the lumberjacks in that Tables, Ladders, and Bears match – talk about insult to injury.
Magnus: It was as good a chance as any to get UrsusLa accustomed to the BEARnecessities division. Handlers currently escorting both wild animals to the ring! Safety first is GUNS motto, we certainly do everything in our power to make sure that wildlife doesn’t eat spouses – whether we were aware of the matrimony or not.
Phillips: I’m sure nothing will come of the FBI investigation. So don’t worry.
Magnus: Wait, what?
Phillips: They were asking everyone about Fury before the show started.
Magnus: Ugggggggh-
Phillips: There’s the bell.
Magnus: huh?
Phillips: Are you hyperventilating into a paper bag?
Magnus: I don’t feel well.
Phillips: Well I got this, finally a match where I know more wrestling holds than the competitors. Both champion and challenger scratching ring posts.
Magnus: Did they ask any specific questions?
Phillips: Just if you two fought a lot.
Magnus: And?
Phillips: I told them, no more than any other old married couple-
Magnus: Good. ...But we’d only been married for three months before the tragic, uh, accident-
Phillips: Newlyweds? I had no idea. Are you sure you didn’t feed Fury to UrsusLa on purpose, boss?
Magnus: OF COURSE I DIDN’T!
Phillips: Then I’m sur- both athletes defecating in the ring, no signs of Fury – then I’m sure they’ll find no suspicious circumstances, your insurance will go through, and you’ll be a single multi-millionaire in no time.
Magnus: Do you really think-
Phillips: Yogi smashing a picnic basket over UrsusLa’s head! Fortunately it was empty, because he’d already helped himself.
Magnus: That woke UrsusLa up – who bats Yogi across the ring with those clubbing claws.
Phillips: The Park Ranger tries to talk Yogi into going back to Jellystone, only to get dropkicked into UrsusLa for his troubles.
Magnus: Yogi gets UrsusLa up with a Huckleberry Hound Driver, no, UrsusLa turns it into a CHOMP-PLEX! URSUSLA CHANNELLING THE SPIRIT OF DINOSAUR BONES! A SERIES OF ROLLING BITE-SUPLEXES- AND A BIG TAIL SWIPE, ONLY IT LOOKS MORE LIKE A HIP ATTACK – IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN-
Phillips: Backflip hipattack!
Magnus: That the Crescent Moon Memories, and UrsusLa on top for the cover 1-2-3!
DING! DING! DING!
Announcer: THE WINNER OF THIS MATCH, AND STILL NEW FAUENIX CHAMPION, URSUSLA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Magnus: Yogi stress eating picnic baskets! I’d hate to be UsusLa on Earth Day; at least one of the bears will have a bone to pick with her.
Phillips: At least unlike the last unification pit stop, Byrd didn’t go out of his way to undermine the competit-
Dirty Byrd: THAT’S HER!
Dirty Byrd arrives on the entrance with a dozen animal control agents holding heavy-duty tranquilizer guns.
Dirty Byrd: THAT’S THE MAN EATING BEAR! AND I’M SURE AN AUTOPSY WILL REVEAL THAT BONES OF MAGNUS’ HUSBAND HAD BEEN FATALLY STABBED, NO DOUBT BY MAGNUS, BEFORE BEING DIGESTED!
Magnus: THAT’S A LIE!
Dirty Byrd: QUICK! Destroy that murderous beast before Magnus marries again!
Animal control have UrsusLa in their sights. It won’t help his potential criminal conviction, but Magnus can’t help his inherent love of bears.
Magnus: RUN, URSUSLA! RUN!
The bear exits through the audience, causing a riot, while being pursued by animal control.
Phillips: First Byrd completely undermines Wombat’s confidence, now he’s trying to have the favourite to win destroyed. What is he going to do next? Have sex with Troy Adkins’ corpse to force Greg into a game of one-upmanship that can’t possibly end well?
Magnus: Byrd is certainly trying to stack the Earth Day deck in his favour, but he’s forgotten one important detail.
Phillips: What’s that?
Magnus: I’m having him defend against Rhodes. Before the night is over, Byrd’ll be a stain on the canvas.
"Ight so let me see if I got this straight"
We open up in what looks to be a modest apartment or hotel suite with The Messiah of Hardcore PRICE pacing back and forth in the living room as his daughter JROK's Ambassador of Violence Darlene Price sits cross-legged on the couch watching him pace.
"There was a promotion at one time called AXW."
"Correct."
"That you wanted to make your pro-wrestling debut in. But you wanted to make sure people understood who you were and that well the apple doesn't fall far from the tree."
"Si."
She nods.
"So to do that instead of just calling me..."
Cutting him off.
"You told us you were going to toss your phone, by the way, that is one ugly ass shirt."
PRICE looks down at his full print Jesse Jamester shirt.
"This shit's sick."
"Maybe in the 90s like your slang."
"The 90s were amazing. ANYWAYS. Instead of just calling me you three decided to...resurrect me from "the dead"?"
"Si."
"As a Japanese man?"
"Si."
"And people bought this shit!?"
"Si si. What can I say, wrestling fans, especially XHF Network fans are a bunch of gullible marks."
PRICE starts to process all of this.
"That explains the line of questioning Nelly had for me, so wait where is this dude now?"
"Akid broke his back so we wrote him off."
"Ok, so no worries that this guy can show back up again sometime looking to take back his, my, our? name?"
"No...well...I don't....think so?"
PRICE takes a deep breath has he runs his hands down his face.
"The only thing I didn't plan on was you actually coming back from your island off the coast of Tahiti"
"It is a magical place."
"Why are you back anyways?"
"Honestly? I was fucking bored. Sure it was nice not getting beat up night in and night out, relaxing on a sunny beach all day, sleeping under the stars with a rum runner in hand. But at the end of the day, I missed this smell, the grime, the life, of the city and civilization, then I saw Spike make his return, JFK called me blah blah blah Four Pillars of Violence match and now well...now I find myself board again."
Darlene gets a grin on her face.
"Well seeing as you don't want to overshadow me and the boys with what we are doing why don't you go play with your friend."
"Who?"
"You know who, the only one that's actually crazy enough to call you a friend."
"Naw, did you miss what happened in that match? I seriously doubt he'd want to do anything with me."
"Let's find out."
"What?"
She gets up and goes to a mirror.
"Michael Spike Kane, Michael Spike Kane, Michael Spike Kane."
PRICE looks highly confused.
"He's not Bloody Ma..FUCKING HELL!"
A ring of fire opens up in the middle of the room as The Blood God himself Spike Kane walks through it.
"WHO DARES INVOKE MY...oh fuck what do you want!?" as he notices Darlene.
"Hi Uncle Mikey! My dad is bored and wants to know if you can come out and play with him."
Spike looks over at PRICE and raises an eyebrow, PRICE shrugs and then nods yeah he's bored.
Spike nods and turns back around.
"We do have unfinished business that I could use your help with, follow me we have much to discuss."
Spike turns and steeps back into the portal of fire.
"I aint going through that naw fuck that shit..."
Dar starts pushing her dad towards the portal of fire.
"Bye have fun you kids!"
PRICE looks back at her like what the fuck.
"This is on you if something happens."
"You'll be fine! Trust ME!"
She shoves him into the portal after Spike and they are both gone. She then goes and makes a call.
"Yeah, he's gone...nope not a clue. No, seems to have no memory of it at all, Akid didn't even register with him....whatever that ball is in Spike's court now. Yep, ok see you in Osaka."
Just the beginning.
Dirty Byrd charges out onto the entranceway in time to parrot the animal noises off the start of Morris Day’s “Jungle Love.” As the song pumps on the PA, the Phoenix Champion swaggers down the aisle, flapping his filthy wings in sync to the groove. Despite this being his first official GUNS match, Byrd already has a healthy selection of food being thrown at his head.
Phillips: I thought Mongo threatened you if you used Byrd?
Magnus: And give up the Phoenix title? We’ve come too far to hand the belt back to the XHF over a little miscalculation like having it won by a raging psychotic. Besides, I’m having Rhodes send him packing. Mongo should be thanking me for this massacre.
Hitting the ring, Byrd grabs the announcer’s microphone.
Dirty Byrd: My time is money! I don’t have all day – give that chump Rhodes a ten count to get down to the ring.
Magnus: There’s the bell. Why are they listening to this repugnant little man?
Phillips: They probably want him out of the ring before they catch something.
Magnus: Blind Sonny Stubbs delivering a ten count-
Blind Stubbs: 1! 2! 3! 4! 5! 6! 7!
Phillips: What could be holding Rhodes u-
A spear sends XHF Shockmaster crashing through the back curtains. From the bloody state of both giants, their brawl appears to have been going on for sometime. Byrd looks less than pleased at his opponent’s sudden appearance.
Magnus: Byrd sent Shockmaster to stall for time, keep Rhodes busy in the back! The filthy fowl wanted a bye into Earth Day – but no such luck. Rhodes isn’t the kind of person you can keep away if he doesn’t want to – as seen by the fact that’s he’s been a regular fixture for the past six months, despite not being under contract!
Phillips: If anything it looks like Shockmaster pissed Rhodes off, and Byrd’s eyes just bugged out of his head.
Magnus: I think that’s the outfit.
Blind Stubbs: 8!
Magnus: Colossus Rhodes entering the ring, Byrd trying to cut him off but gets shoved back with ease.
Phillips: A simple slap knocked Byrd off his feet, and now Rhodes in the ring- that breaks the count!
Dirty Byrd caws in rage, charging at the larger man with a double axe-handle chop – only to eat a big boot. Rhodes then kicks the downed Byrd in the midsection with such force that he knocks him up into the air – setting up a clubbing forearm smash.
Phillips: Rhodes tossing Byrd around the ring like a ragdoll! Whipping him into one corner before launching him into another. Every impact is knocking off feathers. We’ll get to see if he really is the XHF John Cena-
Magnus: I’d be willing to bet my massive insurance payout that it’s the Gobbledygooker.
Phillips: Yeah, who would lie about something like that?
Magnus: Repeater tombstone! The Daffy Duck cries for help that Byrd was making have all but stopped.
Rhodes hits a spiked powerbomb. Then a tiger driver. Then a butterfly suplex. Then a chokeslam, this almost results in a cover, but Rhodes lifts him up for another chokeslam.
Magnus: Jackknife Powerbomb – normally the audience would turn on this one sided onslaught but they seem to approve.
Phillips: The champion has that affect on people.
Magnus: Darkside Destroyer – but again, Rhodes less interested in pinning Byrd than punishing him for the sneak attack.
Phillips: Shockmaster is still gathering his wits by the entranceway, no help in sight for Byrd.
Magnus: Looks like Byrd will be joining Unboxed Ken in the ER. Rhodes picking him up again by the throat, this time looking for his brutal spinning chokeslam variation, Twisted.
Phillips: HE’S GOT HIM UP- WAIT-
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
Crowd: *MASSIVE JEERS*
Pulling his trusty shiv out of his feather mess, Dirty Byrd flicks it in Rhodes faces. Blood stain the ring, as Rhodes lets go of the choke. Byrd is quick to hide the sharp object before even Blind Stubbs notices it. Holding his gore covered face, trying to assess the damage; Rhodes fixes his good eye on the short bastard.
Phillips: BYRD CUT RHODES FACE WITH A KNIFE! HE’S REALLY IN FOR IT NOW!
Magnus: KILL HIM, RHODES!
Phillips: Byrd looking for somewhere to run and hide, but there is no time, the big man quickly on top of hi-
Magnus: Rhodes grabbing Byrd by the throat, hoists him up in the air! No, Byrd jabbing his index finger into Rhodes cut eye and keeping the pressure on.
Phillips: Who uses an eye gouge clawhold?
Magnus: Rhodes hits the TWISTER, but Byrd hanging onto that- eye socket.
Phillips: Too painful to make a pin, Rhodes tries to knock Byrd off of him, but the XHF Gobbledygooker just absorbs the punishment and hangs onto that eye.
DING! DING! DING!
Phillips: Did he tap?
Magnus: Or pass out? He just slumped over-
Announcer: The winner of this match, and STILL XHF PHOENIX CHAMPION-
YOUR GOBBLEDYGOOKER,
DIRTY BYRD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Jungle Love stars to pump over the PA system, prompting Dirty Byrd to hop up and start busting a move like an asshole. The audience pelt the ring with trash, but their heart isn’t in it, the amount of gore on the bird outfit is rather intimidating. Paramedics check on Rhodes who is completely unconscious.
Phillips: Just a sickening attack. Rhodes may lose that eye.
Magnus: What the hell did Mongo lock up in that bear?
Phillips: It looked so one sided, but now Byrd defending the strap in the unification mat-
Magnus: I KNOW ALRIGHT? IT WAS A MISTAKE! ARE YOU HAPPY?
*BUMP*
Shockmaster hands Dirty Byrd a microphone.
Dirty Byrd: GUNS, THANK YOU FOR FEEDING THE FLAMES! I’M BURNING FOR YOU! AND AT THE UNIFICATION MATCH, WELL, EARTH DAY IS GOING TO BECOME SCORCHED EARTH DAY – CAUSE THIS PHOENIX IS TAKING FLIGHT!
The Gobbledygooker kicks the unconscious Rhodes in the bloody face.
Dirty Byrd: So all eyes on my Phoenix division... whether you want it, or not!
Byrd holds the championship up, as Shockmaster lifts the fowl fiend up in the air. The escaped ursine prisoners pose for the oncoming wave of rotten vegetables.
"それっ! それっ! それっ!それそれそれそれっ!
それっ! それっ! それっ!それそれそれそれっ!"
Babymetal's "Megitsune" hits the P.A System, and Riley Richards strides out on stage, arms out wide, smile beaming. He spins around 360 degrees so the camera can catch a glimpse of the "Richards" printed on the back of his hoodie. He glances over his shoulder to see no Rob Arnold slowly. He waits obediently as if Rob was there to survey the scene out of habit, before he heads down the ramp.
"おめかしキツネさん (Chiki Chiki ワッショイ!! Chiki Chiki ワッショイ!!)
ツインテなびかせて (Hira Hira ワッショイ!! Hira Hira ワッショイ!!)
はじけてドロンして (Kuru Kuru ワッショイ!! Kuru Kuru ワッショイ!!)
いざゆけ七変化
コンコンコンコッ コンコンコッコン!!"
Richards trots to the ring, clearly wanting to engage with the fans in attendance but aware that would lead to him being reprimanded. He flashes a smile at a number of fans, pointing to a couple in appreciation, before approaching the ring steps, skipping up and vaults over the top rope.
"それっ! それっ! それっ!それそれそれそれっ!
それっ! それっ! それっ!それそれそれそれっ!"
Richards heads to the centre of the ring and raises his arms aloft, prompting cheers from those in attendance.
Phillips: I can’t help but notice a serious lack of Rob Arnold out here tonight.
Magnus: You are correct. I won’t have any funny business in my main event.
Phillips: But the champ has retained every time via some sort of funny business.
Magnus: I said what I said.
“HOOOOOOOOOOOOWL”
“All rise fore the king of all wolves now arrives.”
The voice of James Earl Mother Fucking Jones echos over the speakers. How did he get James Earl Jones to say that? It wasn’t a Cameo I’ll tell you that and it cost a pretty penny. Shortly after James Earl Jones speaks Big Sean’s “Wolves” begins to play. The stage lights up with a spotlight and smoke fills the stage. Two men dressed as royal guards walk out and produce swords. They turn and point them into the air touching near the tips and El Rey walks out wearing a crown with the BDDWF Ultimate Championship side plate front and center in the middle of the Crown. Waving in the breeze from fans under the stage is a red cape with the side plates of the other 22 championships that comprise the X*Crown sewn in. El Rey looks around at the booing audience before lifting his head raising his nose in the air showing his superiority over everyone in the audience. He walks under the two swords and makes his way to the ring. He walks up the stairs and steps into the ring. He demands a mic and the ring announcer reluctantly hands it over.
Magnus: The champ is here.
Phillips: And unfortunately it looks like he has something to say.
El Rey: Here we are Riley. Finally. It’s just you, me, and my fans. You think you can beat me without Rob by your side? As the kids say, X to doubt.
El Rey makes an X with his arms. Riley rolls his eyes at the champ and El Rey explodes at Riley taking him down with a stiff lariat.
The ref calls for the bell and El Rey stomps down on his hated rival over and over. Riley covers up protecting his head, but it just opens up his midsection and El Rey redirects his attacks to there with kicks to the ribs. Riley tries to cover both his head and ribs at the same time. El Rey delivers one more kick through the arm of his opponent and then stops back and spreads his arms showboating to the fans.
Phillips: The champ took the first shot and has the early upper hand.
While El Rey show boats Riley crawls to the ropes and begins to pull himself up. El Rey turns and catches his opponent getting up. He measures Riley and waits. Once Riley is up to his feet El Rey attacks with a running knee to the gut. Riley doubles over from the shot, but El Rey picks him back up and pushes him against the ropes. He surveys the crowd and slaps into the chest of Riley with a knife edge chop. The crowd screams along with the impact. El Rey measures again, and again nails him with another chop causing another eruption from the crowd. El Rey smiles and reaches way back and goes for a third, but Riley ducks and moves behind El Rey quickly and leaps up nailing the champ with a drop kick to the back sending El Rey tumbling over the top rope to the outside. El Rey quickly is back to his feet, but is quickly back down as Riley leaps over the rope and takes down the champ with a plancha.
Magnus: The champ is down.
Phillips: What a burst by the challenger.
Magnus: Rob has never trained someone to give up so easily, no surprise.
Both men are down on the outside as the ref starts counting both men out. El Rey pulls himself up on the ring barrier as Riley does the same using the steps. Riley takes a deep breath as he stares down the champion. El Rey is full of anger and shoots off of the barrier towards Riley and goes for a running knee, but Riley leaps out of the way and El Rey’s knee collides with the steps. El Rey screams out in pain grabbing his knee. Riley quickly recovers and runs and leaps off of the ring steps nailing El Rey with a knee to the face. Riley quickly rolls into the ring to break the count and rolls back out.
Magnus: The champ is down.
Phillips: She’s about to be down too.
Magnus: What? There’s no women in this match.
Phillips: Oh no, check out the hottie in the front row.
Magnus: That’s El Rey’s mom.
Phillips: Won’t stop me.
Magnus: Maybe her husband will.
Phillips: Riley taking advantage!
Riley grabs the Champ and shoves him back first into the ring barrier. Riley measures his opponent and then sends a high kick to the chest. El Rey screams out in pain and Riley rears back and connects with another, and another, and another. El Rey collapses to a seated position against the ring barrier and Riley rolls again back into the ring. Riley looks around at the crowd who are cheering his name and he bounces up, spring boards off the top rope, and nails El Rey with a drop kick!right to the face causing his head to slam back into the steel ring barrier.
Magnus: What a move by the young NLW Tag Team Champion.
Phillips: Hello cutie standing next to El Rey’s mom.
Magnus: That’s her sister.
Phillips: Well then, color me intrigued.
Magnus: She’s married to Charlie Velez.
Phillips: Riley bringing things back to the ring!
Riley has pulled the X*Crown Champion up and rolled him back into the ring. Riley hops up onto the apron and leans in through the ropes, but he’s halted by an eye poke by the Champ from the mat. Riley grabs at his face and El Rey follows up the poke with an up kick to the face. This causes Riley to be hung up over the ropes. El Rey gets up to his feet and shakes off the shots from the outside, and then bounces off the ropes and nails Riley with a running knee strike that knocks Riley off of the ropes and into the ring. El Rey scrambles to make a cock cover laying down across his opponent while flexing, and Riley quickly kicks out.
Magnus: The champ can’t get the pin on Riley that easy.
Phillips: At this point I think El Rey is only concerned with two things, embarrassing Riley and retaining.
Magnus: Maybe he should worry more about winning.
El Rey gets back to his feet smiling as he stalks his opponent. Riley gets up to his knees and El Rey measures and swings with a violent kick, but Riley catches El Rey’s leg and gets up to his feet. El Rey begs with both hands, but Riley ignores the plea and pulls El Rey towards him and nails a huge elbow. El Rey is rocked and Riley quickly follows by grabbing El Rey by the wrist and whipping the champ into the corner. El Rey hits back first and roars out in pain. Riley quickly charges in with a running clothesline. Riley holds on for a moment to keep El Rey from falling and then climbs up the ropes and begins raining down right hands on the champ. The crowd counts along with his strikes 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6… but El Rey as sneaky as he is finds a way to break it grabbing the tights of Riley exposing his underwear.
Phillips: See, embarrassing.
Magnus: Yeah but that’s not going to win the match.
Phillips: Haven’t you listened to the kid. Winning is secondary, surviving is all he needs to do.
Riley quickly drops down to pull his pants up and El Rey quickly strikes with a forearm that spins Riley around. El Rey grabs Riley from behind with a waist lock and pushes him to the center of the ring. El Rey goes to lift his opponent for a German suplex, the first non strike attempt of the match, but Riley hooks his leg around El Rey’s then follows up with a back elbow, then another, and a third breaks the waist lock. El Rey scrambles slightly, but moves back in only to be nailed by a pele kick from Riley that knocks the champ down.
Magnus: He’s played around too much and now he’s been caught and he’s laying in the drop zone.
Phillips: I’ve seen him turn around from more dangerous situations.
Riley looks around and knows what’s next. He quickly runs and climbs to the ropes looking for Bristol’s finest, but El Rey is up, doubled over, but up. Riley shrugs. He’s going for it. He’s going to double stomp El Rey while he’s standing. He leaps off and flies through the air, but El Rey quickly stands up and swings his leg and nails Riley with a blatant low blow and the ref calls for the bell.
Winner by disqualification: Riley Richards
STILL X*Crown Champion: El Rey!
Phillips: I told you he’d do it.
Magnus: I can’t believe it. I love having the X*Crown but I’m sick of this.
While Magnus is annoyed the crowd is clapping with the chat "He did it again."
CLAP
CLAP
CLAP
The cameras pull back to the entranceway, where “The Buckeye Bruiser” Redmond Fury gives the X*Crown champion a slow clap. The crowd cheer even louder, giving the longest reigning Phoenix champion in XHF history a hero’s welcome!
Phillips: FURY’S BACK! I knew he didn’t die in that bear!
Magnus: I tried to tell everyone, but none of you dicks believed me.
Phillips: Now Magnus, we all knew you had nothing to do with it. And I know that you’re disappointed about the insurance payout, but at least the feds will stop saying you killed him.
Magnus: Wait, they actually said-
Phillips: No way you were going to murder Fury; you’ll never trick as good a catch into marrying you.
Magnus: I have amazing game.
Phillips: So does Cheez.
Redmond Fury soaks in the applause, before turning his sights to El Rey.
Fury: EL REY! I THINK WE CAN ALL AGREE - YOU’RE THE GREATEST GUNS CHAMPION... TO NEVER WRESTLE A GUNS WRESTLER. Oh we’re happy to have Spike Kane, but he’s been here long enough that even that felt like a special guest star. You’ve proven that GUNS can beat anyone on the Network time and time again, but how would you stack up actually defending the X*Crown against a member of the roster? That is the argument I put to Magnus, and when he realized how badly you were treating the homegrown talents, he happily gave me this contract.
The Buckeye Bruiser holds up a piece of paper.
Fury: It looks like I picked the right time to come back from the dead, because on a very special Easter GUNS show – you will be defending your X*CROWN against ME!
Crowd: *MONSTER POP FOR THAT REY FURY ACTION*
Phillips: OH MY GOD!
Magnus: It was only fair!
Phillips: Just when you think Rey can’t take on a bigger challenge, you throw the Buckeye Bruiser at him! This is massive!
Magnus: It’s what the fans wanted, so I was only too happy to sign the-
Fury: Only... I’m not home grown either.
The Buckeye Bruiser unravels the contract, to reveal the name signed to challenge for the crown. The camera zooms in for a close-up but its slightly out of focus-
Phillips: Wait, that name almost looks like-
Magnus: SON OF A BITCH!
Laughing, Redmond Fury rams his powerful fingers into his face. Thumb digging under the cheek, creating a hole that the other digits can follow. Seconds later he tears off the prosthetic make-up.
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
Magnus: NO!
Phillips: Poor El Rey.
Magnus: NO! NO! NO!
Phillips: Fans not taking too kindly to it either-
Magnus: Anyone but him!
The Final Boss stares daggers at El Rey.
Zoran Sainovic: I’m sorry to say you’ll never get zat Fury defence, Rey. We all know zat Magnus killed his trophy husband in an ill-conceived get rich quick scheme. Fury is dead. Only room for one Lazarus on ze Easter show, and you’re looking at him. Ze holiday might be about ascending into heaven, but I assure you, Rey... I’m sending you to hell. So give Skye Walker a venereal disease for me.
Magnus: He has the shot at the Easter Special.
Phillips: Appropriate since like Jesus himself, Zoran has also risen from the dead.
El Rey: Oh fuck no!
El Rey bolts from the ring and hops the ring barrier running for his life. Zoran stands stoic flashing a sadistic grin, The Final Boss waves the X*Crown contract in front of his face, while “Big Bad Wolf” by The Heavy pumps over the PA system.
Magnus: What the hell is-
Dirty Byrd: Hope you don't mind, we let ourselves in.
The XHF Shockmaster stands behind the door, his imposing figure barely concealed by the frame. The mammoth shoves the door closed before Magnus can react, and breaks off the door knob.
XHF Shockmaster: ...whoops.
No way to retreat from this confrontation, Magnus approaches the guy dressed like a pigeon.
Magnus: OH, you're that Gobbledy joke that Mongo has sand in his vagina over! I don't personally see what the big deal is...
Dirty Byrd (looking up from the photo): I tend to ruffle a lot of feathers. Mongo? The slow witted cowboy from Blazing Saddles?
Magnus: Possibly, Mongo gets around.
Dirty Byrd (shrug): Nah. Drawing on a blank on the name. But then - I've been cooped up for a loooong time.
Magnus: Well Mongo has threatened to remove our network status if we give you air time, so figure out how to open the door, then don't let it hit you on your way to fucking off.
Dirty Byrd (holding up picture): Mind if I keep this for the old spank bank? You'd be surprised what being off the grid for five years does to one's finances.
Magnus: As a matter of fact-
Dirty Byrd (frame disappearing in his grey feathered mass): Speaking of green - I'm going to be working out of contract, so despite appearances, expect me to take you to the cleaners.
Magnus: I'm calling the police.
Dirty Byrd: What a kidder. I like your sense of humour, but where is the gratitude? After all, thanks to us - you stand to make a mint on your recently deceased ball and chain-
Magnus: I didn't know we were married!
Dirty Byrd: Hear ya Maggs, run through wives like kleenex myself. Birds aren't meant to be caged, but you're still going to work with me-
The XHF Goobledygooker tosses the Phoenix championship onto the desk.
Magnus: Please, I have a dozen Phoenix titles-
Beat.
Magnus: Wait, that's the real one!
Dirty Byrd: Yeah, I won it off your better half. So whether you like it or not- I am GUNS champion.
Magnus: ...God damn it.
Dirty Byrd: I get that a lot. Now I don't want to tell you how to run your company, but there are a few too many Phoenix titles that are tarnishing the validity of my belt. If you can't reign them in... well... bodies will be turning up for months to come.
Standing up, Byrd empties a box of Cuban cigars into his filthy mass of feathers, before heading towards the door.
Magnus: Um. Yes! I've got it! We're going to have a unification match! Yes, one up the Scott Hall tribute show with a ladder unification match - no, a Tables, Ladders and BEARS match at the Pre-Rumble!
Dirty Byrd: Televised executions? Maggs, you tease.
Magnus: All four championship belts hung from the rafters, and the real Phoenix is the one that retrieves them. Of course, to get all eyes on it we should have each champion defend tonight... L.A. Wombat against his recently returning tag partner, Unboxed Ken. UrsusLa taking strides towards our bear division by defending against Yogi. ...Greg Adkins will have the toughest challenge of all, trying to make his belt look worthy of the contest after the damage that Jameson did to it. ...And you? Well you're the real champion, you don't have to prove it to anyone, so we'll throw you a softball in... Colossus Rhodes.
Dirty Byrd: Don't know a Rhodes. You can throw someone tougher if you want, I wouldn't be able to get away with murder- if I couldn't back it up.
The XHF Goobledygooker starts urinating on Magnus rug while continuing the conversation.
Magnus: No, no, Rhodes will be fine. After all, you just got back - so even if he's a pushover, it'll give you a chance to work off the ring rust.
Byrd finishes writing his real name in cursive, but it looks like a squiggly line.
Dirty Byrd: Very considerate pal.
There is a loud knocking at the door. The XHF Stormtrooper nods at Byrd, then slaps the top letting it fall to the ground. A stern man in a cheap beige suit looks down at the damage.
Man: I didn't-
Dirty Byrd: Doesn't know his own strength.
Man: Mister Magnus? My name is Lorne Brentwood, and I'm the insurance investigator handling your spouse's case...
Magnus: There has been a horrible mistake-
Dirty Byrd: Well that's our cue to take flight. ...Be seeing you... killer.
The XHF Goobledygooker snatches his title of the perplexed owner's face. The massive figure of the XHF Stormtooper follows after the unpleasant bird.
Magnus feels like his world just got a lot more unpleasant.
Lorne Brentwood: So what made you take such a large bear eating policy on Redmond Fury?
MEANWHILE INSIDE A BEAR...
DARKNESS.
Boom, pow, bang! We cut back to Guns Arena. The crowd is hot and we pan around and see the signs of the crowd. For some reason all the signs are the same "#IStandWithMongo." Weird, but they all seem into it and we finally stop on Magnus and Tom Phillips at ringside.
Magnus: Welcome to another gun show!
Phillips: We've got a huge show tonight.
Magnus: April Fools! No show tonight, roll the credits!
Credits roll and we're through. We cut to the next commercial on the Network.
We ask all talent to add
#IStandwithMongo 👣
To your promos. Let Mongo know you support him even though he loves feet.
We cut to the ring after that brief April Fools joke where Ryle O’Kiley and Robert Shark are already in the ring.
Philips: Now it’s on to our next match with the first team already in the ring, because we don’t have a budget for their entrance music.
Magnus: I only pay for winners.
Philips: Then why are the Borgs here?
Magnus: They gave me an arm once, I owe ‘em.
Philips: But they blew up the old gym.
Magnus: Yeah, but an arm!
"Am I Evil" by Metallica hits the speakers and the stage fills with mist. Strobe lights go on all throughout the arena. Evil-Borg and Heavymetal-Borg come out together and Heavymetal-Borg is air guitaring to the music. They make their way to the ring throwing up the devil horns and threatening fans. They climb into the ring and Heavymetal head bangs until the match starts.
Philips: Will the Borgs be able to get on track with the first step toward a GUNS tag title match?
Magnus: For belts they never lost!
The Borgs vs Unchallenged Epoch
The lights drop down so that only the entranceway and the ring are illuminated as a deep, throaty, laugh not unlike that of Lemmy of Motorhead gargles over the PA system. However, just as soon as it started it is replaced by the treble-busting vocals of Freddy Mercury of Queen dropping a red hot ballad on y’all. Specifically, “Play the Game” by Queen. As the song persists, “The Mental Killer” Kris “Triple Quake” Quake and “The Corn Snake” Randy Angel- better known as Off the Wagon- walk out. Well, walk is being generous, Randy is stumbling drunk- still drinking from a flask- and Quake’s walk is more of a waddle since he appears to be trying to flex all several of his muscles at the same time. Quake is also carrying folding chairs, and opens them at the entranceway for him and Angel to sit down. Randy Angel misses the chair by a mile and falls on his ass. Quake just shakes his head and sits.
Magnus: The champs are here! To play mind games with the Borgs no doubt.
Philips: I don’t know, can’t play mind games if your opponents don’t have minds.
The bell rings as Heavymetal and Evil Borg are looking up the ramp and Ryle and Robert attack them from behind! Evil gets knocked out of the ring and the two start stomping away on Heavy. The ref demands one of them leaves to their corner. Robert exits as Ryle hits a few kicks to Heavy’s ribs. Evil Borg jumps up to the apron yelling at the ref and trying to enter the ring, but the ref stops him. As the ref is distracted, Heavymetal hits a low blow on Ryle! Ryle falls to his knees as Heavy stands up. Heavy then hits a knee strike to the face! Heavy then pulls Ryle up and throws him with a belly to belly overhead suplex! Heavy then does air guitar!
Philip: Really? These guys are working for a title shot, and they want to mess around?
Magnus: I, and these people love it! You show him Heavymetal!
Philip: You know if you love them so much, you could just grant them a title shot.
Magnus: Shhhh.
Ryle gets up in the corner and Heavy charges at him, but Ryle moves out of the way and Heavy hits the turnbuckle sternum first. Ryle tags out to Robert who jumps in the ring and makes a shark fin out of his hands above his head, then starts swaying around the ring. He then gets behind Heavymetal and opens his arms wide, then stabs his fingers into Heavy’s ribs, like a shark taking a big bite!
Magnus: Robert Shark lives the gimmick brother.
Philip: Ugh.
Robert then grabs a full nelson and tries to wrestle Heavy to the ground, but Heavy pulls his way to the ropes. The ref starts the five count. Robert lets go on four and Evil runs over to yell at Robert and try to enter the ring. The ref stops him, and again Heavy uses the distraction to do a backward kick right between the legs of Robert! Mr. Shark backs up holding the family jewels and Heavy then hits a spinning backfist. Robert staggers around and Heavy grabs his arms, trapping him face to face, then delivers the Headbanger’s Ball! Headbutt after headbutt hit Robert until Heavymetal can bang his head no more! Robert falls in a head and Heavy staggers backward into his corner. Evil Borg tags himself in! Evil steps into the ring as Heavymetal grabs the ref, seemingly trying to get his bearings. Evil circles around Robert until he’s near the opponent corner, then turns around and does the Johnny Cage Splits Dick Punch right into Ryle on the apron! Ryle falls off the apron clasping at his surely swollen grapefruits. Robert is on hands and knees, trying to gather where he is, when Evil soccer kicks him…you guessed it, right in the gonads!
Philip: For the love of–
Magnus: HA HA HA! It just keeps happening!
Evil then grabs Robert by the head, places him between the legs, hooks the arms, and hits the Conquered (Angel’s Wings) right as the ref turns around. Evil covers. 1, 2, 3!
Winners: The Borgs
Quake on stage looks livid! Randy looks… asleep. Heavymetal air guitars some more as Evil Borg asks for a mic.
Evil: We have passed the first test. And we will pass all your tests, for we are the true-est and evil-est champions! Those belts will be ours again! MUA HA HA HA!
"Am I Evil" plays over the PA again as Quake does not look happy, and pulls Randy Angel up off the floor.
Backstage, The XHF Regular Army meets. The Faunex champion places a reassuring hand on the shoulder of his despondent challenger.
L.A. Wombat: Thanks again for all your help, Ken. Without you, I never would have survived inside that bear. You’re a true friend – if there is every anything I can do to repay your kindness-
Unboxed Ken: Do you have a box I can borrow?
L.A. Wombat: I actually just bought a new refrigerator, and was thinking of you. I put the package aside in my backyard, planning to give it to you. Sadly it’s been overrun with baby goats-
Unboxed Ken: And the only person capable of retrieving it is-
Together: Mongo.
A dire situation. Mongo is a very busy man. Ken can’t help but sign.
Unboxed Ken: Don’t sweat it, Wombat. It’s the thought that counts...
Production Assistant: Mister In The Box, they need you waiting in the ring for the champion’s entrance.
No entrance, some things never change. The agoraphobe musters his mental strength to enter the giant arena.
L.A. Wombat: If production doesn’t have time for Ken to get an entrance, then I don’t need one either.
The XHF Regular Army exit together.
XHF FAUNEX CHAMPIONSHIP
L.A. Wombat © vs. Unboxed Ken
L.A. Wombat © vs. Unboxed Ken
Phillips: Both competitors entering the ring together-
Magnus: Ken and Wombat are generational rivals of the highest order – they’d both be X*Crown champions by now if they weren’t so busy competing with each other.
Phillips: There’s the bell, and a test of strength is easily won by Ken – but Wombat is quick to transition into - NAME.
Magnus: A waistlock.
Phillips: Ken is clearly uncomfortable with the hold; no one has ever been able to wrap their arms around his boxed frame before.
Magnus: Elbows are ducked, so Ken dives backwards into the corner, but Wombat manages to slide out between the legs.
Phillips: Nope, Ken reaching down and grabs the legs – but Wombat pulls him over with a NAME.
Magnus: Victory roll gets 2 before Ken muscles it into a cover of his own for two. Wombat with an arm up, but then hooks the neck for an inside cradle. Two count. Reverse inside cradle almost 3. Without that Box, Ken is proving a lot more agile – the duo rolling around the canvas with a series of counters – chain wrestling!
Phillips: Did you ever think you’d see Ken in the Box bust out these Greco Roman moves?
Magnus: Ken is really keeping up the pace – and if he was going to do it with anyone it would be with Wombat, the former tag team partners know each other so well.
Phillips: I see what you mean! L.A. Wombat trying to conjure the spirit of the demon Venom – but Ken counters with holy water!
Magnus: And Ken trying to stack a series of smaller boxes so that he can bulk up like Voltron, but Wombat setting them on fire!
Phillips: Impossible for either man to press the advantage given how familiar they are.
Crowd: BOO!
Phillips: What is he doing here?
Dirty Byrd stalks around ringside.
Magus: The XHF Phoenix Champion probably scouting his competition ahead of the big Earth Day unification match. One of these two men will be in it – where they hopefully win... because if Byrd still has the title when the dust clears, then Mongo will cancel us.
Phillips: Any clues on why Mongo hates Byrd so much?
Magnus: As near as I can tell, Byrd is really dislikeable- Wombat with a Los Authentico Driver, but Ken turns it into the Box Breaker! 1 - 2 - 3? Foot in the ropes!
Phillips: Undeterred, Ken goes for a NAME-
Magnus: That would normally be a DDT, but Ken called it the Box Drop.
Phillips: So many names! It’s no wonder I still don’t know basic holds.
Magnus: Ken goes for the Out of the Box Thinking Brainbuster, but Wombat shifts his weight, instead hitting a Marsupial Majestral 1 – 2 – what is he doing up there.
Dirty Byrd jumps up on the ring apron. The referee stops his count to tell the real Phoenix champion to leave. Wombat also gets up, to tell off his fellow titleholder. While the two are distracted, XHF Shocktrooper stumbles out from under the ring, and yanks Ken out to the floor.
Phillips: Wombat had him, but Byrd distracting the ref! I expected more from Blind Sonny Stubbs. Oh, I’m hearing the nickname now.
Magnus: Meanwhile the Shocktrooper has Ken out on the floor and-
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
CROWD: *AUDIBLE SHOCK*
Phillips: WHAT DID I JUST SEE!
Magnus: The Shockmaster just FELL through Ken!
Phillips: Isn’t he known for falling through things?
Magnus: Things not people! That was disgustingly brutal! Ken just flattened outside on the concrete like a pancake with a cherry bomb in it, we need medical attention!
Phillips: Shockmaster retreating up the aisle, bumps into the oncoming paramedics because of course he does!
Magnus: Meanwhile the damage done, Byrd jumps off the canvas just in time to miss a left hook from Wombat.
Wombat and the referee turn back to the ring. Finding no Ken, Wombat looks to the outside, and seeing the quivering mass that was Unboxed Ken, races to his best friend’s side.
Magnus: Wombat checking on Ken who is in a bad way, and Blind Stubbs with no choice but to administer the ten count.
Blind Sonny Stubbs: 1! 2! 3! 4! 5! 6! 7! 8! 9! 10!
DING! DING! DING!
Announcer: The referee has ruled this contest a double countout; therefore L.A. Wombat will retain his Fauenex championship and defend it at the Earth Day Tables, Ladders and Bears Unification match!
Phillips: Wombat getting to the big match without really winning.
Magnus: He lacks the confidence boost of a victory, and will be distracted worrying about the health of his friend. Did Dirty Byrd and XHF Shockmaster just end a man’s career, to get those small advantages over one of their opponents?
Phillips: Paramedics finally checking on Ken, and looking grim.
Magnus: If anyone can come back from this it’s Ken in the Box, but Unboxed Ken? If only Mongo could get his rejuvenating fortress of boxitude back from that goat...
As a sickened hush falls over the crowd, it becomes easier to hear Dirty Byrd laugh and point.
MEANWHILE INSIDE A DRACOLICH...
INSIDE A BEAR...
Darkness.
Jet’s “Rip it Up” blasts as out from the back comes the XHF Junior Heavyweight Champion, Nelly Angel. He looks extremely excited for a man who is about to be murdered by a pillar of violence. Nelly holds up the title to a loud cheer from the crowd before sprinting down to the ring, sliding in, and posing on the top rope with the XHF Junior Heavyweight Championship held high.
Philips: Amazing
Magnus: What? An interviewer winning a title? It’s not that shocking considering the last champ was a stuffed cat.
Philips: No I’m amazed he hasn’t been eaten by a bear yet.
Magnus: Look at him, flaunting that he’s being allowed to wrestle, it’s really shameful we’ve fallen this far.
Philips: I’m pretty sure he’s been a wrestler in several XHF Network companies.
Magnus: Ha! I didn’t know the Network had a “Staff Fights” fed!
Nelly moves to the ropes to away his opponent, Spike Kane, to come out. He watches the entrance. No Spike. He paces. No Spike. Finally Nelly looks around at the crowd and points to his head like he gets that this is a head game or trick of some sort. Nelly starts to quickly circle the ring, looking into the crowd trying to find Spike who’s almost certainly going to try to come up behind him. No Spike. Now Nelly is just confused and his face shows it.
Magnus: Hold on, I’m getting word that there’s some kind of a commotion backstage.
The camera cuts to the back where indeed there is a commotion.
Spike: WHAT!? THIS IS NONSENSE!
The “God of Xtreme” is doing his best not to flip a table over as he angrily stomps around the back. The camera moves from him to the XHF’s representative, Bonnie Jenkins.
Bonnie Jenkins: Ugh I gotta stop coming here…
She checks the scale in front of her.
Bonnie Jenkins: Look Spike, we’ve tried it three times now, you’re 225lbs, which is over the limit to compete in the Junior Heavyweight division.
Mr. Kane is about ready to punch something. Suddenly he looks down and gets an idea. Quickly he shimmies his pants off and runs back to the scale.
Spike: Ok, check now.
With an ever-so-light eye roll at classic GUNS shenanigans, Bonnie checks the weight.
Bonnie Jenkins: …223- what the heck do you keep in your pants?
Spike raises his eyebrows in a “you know” kind of way.
Bonnie Jenkins: Yeah, you can’t take that off with your pants. Either way, you’re still overweight.
Spike: GAH!
He whips his shirt off.
Spike: Again!
Bonnie Jenkins: ….223 still, just barely bu-
Off come the socks. Spike looks at his current opponent, the scale, then at Bonnie.
Bonnie Jenkins: …Still 223, they’re just socks.
Spike: What if I cut the beard off, that's a few pounds, right? RIGHT!?
Bonnie Jenkins: No, that's not how facial hair works at all.
Spike looks at Bonnie, and then looks down.
Bonnie Jenkins: No. No no, that won’t make any sort of a-
We cut to a floor camera; boxers hit the floor and are kicked away. Another sigh is heard. Spike steps back on the scale as we return to an above-the-waist shot.
Bonnie Jenkins: 222lbs, congratulations.
Spike: So I’m in?
Bonnie Jenkins: No, you’re still overweight by several pounds. Shouldn’t you have been keeping track of this as the match was approaching?
Suddenly the camera zooms in on Spike’s eyes.
Spike: …Wait just a bloody minute…RANDY.
We cut back to the ring. Nelly is still waiting, unsure if he’s about to get sneak attacked or there’s a bear-based emergency or what. Around this time Nelly’s older brother, Randy Angel makes his way from the back with a microphone. He makes a jog down to the ring then slides, looks at his brother then turns to the crowd with a big smile.
Randy: Ladies and gentlemen! It is my honor to announce that due to circumstances relating to his weight, Spike Kane will be unable to compete tonight. Which means, YOUR WINNER AND STILL XHF JUNIOR HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION- by forfeit- NELLY AAAAAAAAAANGEL!
He grabs his brother’s hand and raises it high as the crowd responds…less happily than you’d think for a nice guy like Nelly winning.
Philips: The crowd seems pretty upset that they’ve been cheated out of a match tonight.
Magnus: It’s just as well, nobody wants to see an interviewer in the ring anyway. Hopefully he can get back quickly and interview Spike about all this.
Philips: He might not have to!
Out from the back and with a blur the size of Rhode Island on his groin comes Spike Kane! He’s making a dead heat for the ring as Bonnie Jenkins and some of the backstage staff come out to make sure he doesn’t try to wrestle. But as Kane’s spike wags down to the ring it’s clear he’s not come to wrestle, he’s come for blood.
Philips: For any single women watching this, let me just say that as endowed as Spike is, I can make the magic happen like none other.
Magnus: We have a naked XHF legend coming down to the ring and you’re focusing on women!?
Philips: It seemed appropriate, given the circumstances.
Randy Angel has quickly exited the ring as Spike climbs in and gets face to face with Nelly. He stares him down, points at the JH title on Nelly’s shoulder and says, “Next time.” Then he drops to the mat and rolls out of the ring.
Magnus: Remind me to get that steam cleaned.
No it would seem that all of Spike Kane’s incredibly nude ire is aimed at Randy Angel, who had tricked him into gaining weight in the build up for this match. Randy, for his part, knows exactly what he did and isn’t waiting to seek if Spike realizes. He makes a run for it but the very naked Spike chases him around the outside of ring. Eventually he stops at the commentary table.
Randy: Hey guys, you got a little “refreshment?”
Magnus: This is a commentary desk, we don-
Philips: Here you go.
The irresponsible former WWE commentator hands Randy an airplane bottle of rum. However, this detour has stalled Randy enough for his bare hunter to arrive and lay hands on the XHF Network’s color commentator.
Randy: Look Spike, this has all been a misunderstanding. Also can I just say that your w-
It’s too late, Spike lifts Randy up, catches him on his shoulders and POP-UP POWERBOMBS HIM THROUGH THE COMMENTARY TABLE! It’s pandemonium in the GUNS arena tonight. Randy is played out with bits of table all around him, Spike has spent the last five or so minutes completely nude in front of a packed crowd and is currently standing over his opponent’s brother (whom he’s just laid out), and Tom Philips is talking to a woman in the front row gesturing both at Spike’s blurred penis and his own groin. An overhead camera catches all of this while Magnus just buries his head in his hands.
Magnus: Can we cut to inside of a bear or something? Ugh, I gotta stop letting Bonnie come to these things.
Magnus: Well fans, coming up we have our second title fight to get a seat at the Earth Day Unification match table-
Phillips: And the loser will most likely be one of the lumberjacks in that Tables, Ladders, and Bears match – talk about insult to injury.
Magnus: It was as good a chance as any to get UrsusLa accustomed to the BEARnecessities division. Handlers currently escorting both wild animals to the ring! Safety first is GUNS motto, we certainly do everything in our power to make sure that wildlife doesn’t eat spouses – whether we were aware of the matrimony or not.
Phillips: I’m sure nothing will come of the FBI investigation. So don’t worry.
Magnus: Wait, what?
Phillips: They were asking everyone about Fury before the show started.
Magnus: Ugggggggh-
XHF NEW Fauenix Championship
UrsusLa © vs. Yogi Bear
UrsusLa © vs. Yogi Bear
Phillips: There’s the bell.
Magnus: huh?
Phillips: Are you hyperventilating into a paper bag?
Magnus: I don’t feel well.
Phillips: Well I got this, finally a match where I know more wrestling holds than the competitors. Both champion and challenger scratching ring posts.
Magnus: Did they ask any specific questions?
Phillips: Just if you two fought a lot.
Magnus: And?
Phillips: I told them, no more than any other old married couple-
Magnus: Good. ...But we’d only been married for three months before the tragic, uh, accident-
Phillips: Newlyweds? I had no idea. Are you sure you didn’t feed Fury to UrsusLa on purpose, boss?
Magnus: OF COURSE I DIDN’T!
Phillips: Then I’m sur- both athletes defecating in the ring, no signs of Fury – then I’m sure they’ll find no suspicious circumstances, your insurance will go through, and you’ll be a single multi-millionaire in no time.
Magnus: Do you really think-
Phillips: Yogi smashing a picnic basket over UrsusLa’s head! Fortunately it was empty, because he’d already helped himself.
Magnus: That woke UrsusLa up – who bats Yogi across the ring with those clubbing claws.
Phillips: The Park Ranger tries to talk Yogi into going back to Jellystone, only to get dropkicked into UrsusLa for his troubles.
Magnus: Yogi gets UrsusLa up with a Huckleberry Hound Driver, no, UrsusLa turns it into a CHOMP-PLEX! URSUSLA CHANNELLING THE SPIRIT OF DINOSAUR BONES! A SERIES OF ROLLING BITE-SUPLEXES- AND A BIG TAIL SWIPE, ONLY IT LOOKS MORE LIKE A HIP ATTACK – IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN-
Phillips: Backflip hipattack!
Magnus: That the Crescent Moon Memories, and UrsusLa on top for the cover 1-2-3!
DING! DING! DING!
Announcer: THE WINNER OF THIS MATCH, AND STILL NEW FAUENIX CHAMPION, URSUSLA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Magnus: Yogi stress eating picnic baskets! I’d hate to be UsusLa on Earth Day; at least one of the bears will have a bone to pick with her.
Phillips: At least unlike the last unification pit stop, Byrd didn’t go out of his way to undermine the competit-
Dirty Byrd: THAT’S HER!
Dirty Byrd arrives on the entrance with a dozen animal control agents holding heavy-duty tranquilizer guns.
Dirty Byrd: THAT’S THE MAN EATING BEAR! AND I’M SURE AN AUTOPSY WILL REVEAL THAT BONES OF MAGNUS’ HUSBAND HAD BEEN FATALLY STABBED, NO DOUBT BY MAGNUS, BEFORE BEING DIGESTED!
Magnus: THAT’S A LIE!
Dirty Byrd: QUICK! Destroy that murderous beast before Magnus marries again!
Animal control have UrsusLa in their sights. It won’t help his potential criminal conviction, but Magnus can’t help his inherent love of bears.
Magnus: RUN, URSUSLA! RUN!
The bear exits through the audience, causing a riot, while being pursued by animal control.
Phillips: First Byrd completely undermines Wombat’s confidence, now he’s trying to have the favourite to win destroyed. What is he going to do next? Have sex with Troy Adkins’ corpse to force Greg into a game of one-upmanship that can’t possibly end well?
Magnus: Byrd is certainly trying to stack the Earth Day deck in his favour, but he’s forgotten one important detail.
Phillips: What’s that?
Magnus: I’m having him defend against Rhodes. Before the night is over, Byrd’ll be a stain on the canvas.
"Ight so let me see if I got this straight"
We open up in what looks to be a modest apartment or hotel suite with The Messiah of Hardcore PRICE pacing back and forth in the living room as his daughter JROK's Ambassador of Violence Darlene Price sits cross-legged on the couch watching him pace.
"There was a promotion at one time called AXW."
"Correct."
"That you wanted to make your pro-wrestling debut in. But you wanted to make sure people understood who you were and that well the apple doesn't fall far from the tree."
"Si."
She nods.
"So to do that instead of just calling me..."
Cutting him off.
"You told us you were going to toss your phone, by the way, that is one ugly ass shirt."
PRICE looks down at his full print Jesse Jamester shirt.
"This shit's sick."
"Maybe in the 90s like your slang."
"The 90s were amazing. ANYWAYS. Instead of just calling me you three decided to...resurrect me from "the dead"?"
"Si."
"As a Japanese man?"
"Si."
"And people bought this shit!?"
"Si si. What can I say, wrestling fans, especially XHF Network fans are a bunch of gullible marks."
PRICE starts to process all of this.
"That explains the line of questioning Nelly had for me, so wait where is this dude now?"
"Akid broke his back so we wrote him off."
"Ok, so no worries that this guy can show back up again sometime looking to take back his, my, our? name?"
"No...well...I don't....think so?"
PRICE takes a deep breath has he runs his hands down his face.
"The only thing I didn't plan on was you actually coming back from your island off the coast of Tahiti"
"It is a magical place."
"Why are you back anyways?"
"Honestly? I was fucking bored. Sure it was nice not getting beat up night in and night out, relaxing on a sunny beach all day, sleeping under the stars with a rum runner in hand. But at the end of the day, I missed this smell, the grime, the life, of the city and civilization, then I saw Spike make his return, JFK called me blah blah blah Four Pillars of Violence match and now well...now I find myself board again."
Darlene gets a grin on her face.
"Well seeing as you don't want to overshadow me and the boys with what we are doing why don't you go play with your friend."
"Who?"
"You know who, the only one that's actually crazy enough to call you a friend."
"Naw, did you miss what happened in that match? I seriously doubt he'd want to do anything with me."
"Let's find out."
"What?"
She gets up and goes to a mirror.
"Michael Spike Kane, Michael Spike Kane, Michael Spike Kane."
PRICE looks highly confused.
"He's not Bloody Ma..FUCKING HELL!"
A ring of fire opens up in the middle of the room as The Blood God himself Spike Kane walks through it.
"WHO DARES INVOKE MY...oh fuck what do you want!?" as he notices Darlene.
"Hi Uncle Mikey! My dad is bored and wants to know if you can come out and play with him."
Spike looks over at PRICE and raises an eyebrow, PRICE shrugs and then nods yeah he's bored.
Spike nods and turns back around.
"We do have unfinished business that I could use your help with, follow me we have much to discuss."
Spike turns and steeps back into the portal of fire.
"I aint going through that naw fuck that shit..."
Dar starts pushing her dad towards the portal of fire.
"Bye have fun you kids!"
PRICE looks back at her like what the fuck.
"This is on you if something happens."
"You'll be fine! Trust ME!"
She shoves him into the portal after Spike and they are both gone. She then goes and makes a call.
"Yeah, he's gone...nope not a clue. No, seems to have no memory of it at all, Akid didn't even register with him....whatever that ball is in Spike's court now. Yep, ok see you in Osaka."
Just the beginning.
Dirty Byrd charges out onto the entranceway in time to parrot the animal noises off the start of Morris Day’s “Jungle Love.” As the song pumps on the PA, the Phoenix Champion swaggers down the aisle, flapping his filthy wings in sync to the groove. Despite this being his first official GUNS match, Byrd already has a healthy selection of food being thrown at his head.
Phillips: I thought Mongo threatened you if you used Byrd?
Magnus: And give up the Phoenix title? We’ve come too far to hand the belt back to the XHF over a little miscalculation like having it won by a raging psychotic. Besides, I’m having Rhodes send him packing. Mongo should be thanking me for this massacre.
Hitting the ring, Byrd grabs the announcer’s microphone.
Dirty Byrd: My time is money! I don’t have all day – give that chump Rhodes a ten count to get down to the ring.
XHF Phoenix Championship
The XHF Gobbledygook (c) vs. “Mr. Feel Bad” Colossus Rhodes
The XHF Gobbledygook (c) vs. “Mr. Feel Bad” Colossus Rhodes
Magnus: There’s the bell. Why are they listening to this repugnant little man?
Phillips: They probably want him out of the ring before they catch something.
Magnus: Blind Sonny Stubbs delivering a ten count-
Blind Stubbs: 1! 2! 3! 4! 5! 6! 7!
Phillips: What could be holding Rhodes u-
A spear sends XHF Shockmaster crashing through the back curtains. From the bloody state of both giants, their brawl appears to have been going on for sometime. Byrd looks less than pleased at his opponent’s sudden appearance.
Magnus: Byrd sent Shockmaster to stall for time, keep Rhodes busy in the back! The filthy fowl wanted a bye into Earth Day – but no such luck. Rhodes isn’t the kind of person you can keep away if he doesn’t want to – as seen by the fact that’s he’s been a regular fixture for the past six months, despite not being under contract!
Phillips: If anything it looks like Shockmaster pissed Rhodes off, and Byrd’s eyes just bugged out of his head.
Magnus: I think that’s the outfit.
Blind Stubbs: 8!
Magnus: Colossus Rhodes entering the ring, Byrd trying to cut him off but gets shoved back with ease.
Phillips: A simple slap knocked Byrd off his feet, and now Rhodes in the ring- that breaks the count!
Dirty Byrd caws in rage, charging at the larger man with a double axe-handle chop – only to eat a big boot. Rhodes then kicks the downed Byrd in the midsection with such force that he knocks him up into the air – setting up a clubbing forearm smash.
Phillips: Rhodes tossing Byrd around the ring like a ragdoll! Whipping him into one corner before launching him into another. Every impact is knocking off feathers. We’ll get to see if he really is the XHF John Cena-
Magnus: I’d be willing to bet my massive insurance payout that it’s the Gobbledygooker.
Phillips: Yeah, who would lie about something like that?
Magnus: Repeater tombstone! The Daffy Duck cries for help that Byrd was making have all but stopped.
Rhodes hits a spiked powerbomb. Then a tiger driver. Then a butterfly suplex. Then a chokeslam, this almost results in a cover, but Rhodes lifts him up for another chokeslam.
Magnus: Jackknife Powerbomb – normally the audience would turn on this one sided onslaught but they seem to approve.
Phillips: The champion has that affect on people.
Magnus: Darkside Destroyer – but again, Rhodes less interested in pinning Byrd than punishing him for the sneak attack.
Phillips: Shockmaster is still gathering his wits by the entranceway, no help in sight for Byrd.
Magnus: Looks like Byrd will be joining Unboxed Ken in the ER. Rhodes picking him up again by the throat, this time looking for his brutal spinning chokeslam variation, Twisted.
Phillips: HE’S GOT HIM UP- WAIT-
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
Crowd: *MASSIVE JEERS*
Pulling his trusty shiv out of his feather mess, Dirty Byrd flicks it in Rhodes faces. Blood stain the ring, as Rhodes lets go of the choke. Byrd is quick to hide the sharp object before even Blind Stubbs notices it. Holding his gore covered face, trying to assess the damage; Rhodes fixes his good eye on the short bastard.
Phillips: BYRD CUT RHODES FACE WITH A KNIFE! HE’S REALLY IN FOR IT NOW!
Magnus: KILL HIM, RHODES!
Phillips: Byrd looking for somewhere to run and hide, but there is no time, the big man quickly on top of hi-
Magnus: Rhodes grabbing Byrd by the throat, hoists him up in the air! No, Byrd jabbing his index finger into Rhodes cut eye and keeping the pressure on.
Phillips: Who uses an eye gouge clawhold?
Magnus: Rhodes hits the TWISTER, but Byrd hanging onto that- eye socket.
Phillips: Too painful to make a pin, Rhodes tries to knock Byrd off of him, but the XHF Gobbledygooker just absorbs the punishment and hangs onto that eye.
DING! DING! DING!
Phillips: Did he tap?
Magnus: Or pass out? He just slumped over-
Announcer: The winner of this match, and STILL XHF PHOENIX CHAMPION-
YOUR GOBBLEDYGOOKER,
DIRTY BYRD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Jungle Love stars to pump over the PA system, prompting Dirty Byrd to hop up and start busting a move like an asshole. The audience pelt the ring with trash, but their heart isn’t in it, the amount of gore on the bird outfit is rather intimidating. Paramedics check on Rhodes who is completely unconscious.
Phillips: Just a sickening attack. Rhodes may lose that eye.
Magnus: What the hell did Mongo lock up in that bear?
Phillips: It looked so one sided, but now Byrd defending the strap in the unification mat-
Magnus: I KNOW ALRIGHT? IT WAS A MISTAKE! ARE YOU HAPPY?
*BUMP*
Shockmaster hands Dirty Byrd a microphone.
Dirty Byrd: GUNS, THANK YOU FOR FEEDING THE FLAMES! I’M BURNING FOR YOU! AND AT THE UNIFICATION MATCH, WELL, EARTH DAY IS GOING TO BECOME SCORCHED EARTH DAY – CAUSE THIS PHOENIX IS TAKING FLIGHT!
The Gobbledygooker kicks the unconscious Rhodes in the bloody face.
Dirty Byrd: So all eyes on my Phoenix division... whether you want it, or not!
Byrd holds the championship up, as Shockmaster lifts the fowl fiend up in the air. The escaped ursine prisoners pose for the oncoming wave of rotten vegetables.
"それっ! それっ! それっ!それそれそれそれっ!
それっ! それっ! それっ!それそれそれそれっ!"
Babymetal's "Megitsune" hits the P.A System, and Riley Richards strides out on stage, arms out wide, smile beaming. He spins around 360 degrees so the camera can catch a glimpse of the "Richards" printed on the back of his hoodie. He glances over his shoulder to see no Rob Arnold slowly. He waits obediently as if Rob was there to survey the scene out of habit, before he heads down the ramp.
"おめかしキツネさん (Chiki Chiki ワッショイ!! Chiki Chiki ワッショイ!!)
ツインテなびかせて (Hira Hira ワッショイ!! Hira Hira ワッショイ!!)
はじけてドロンして (Kuru Kuru ワッショイ!! Kuru Kuru ワッショイ!!)
いざゆけ七変化
コンコンコンコッ コンコンコッコン!!"
Richards trots to the ring, clearly wanting to engage with the fans in attendance but aware that would lead to him being reprimanded. He flashes a smile at a number of fans, pointing to a couple in appreciation, before approaching the ring steps, skipping up and vaults over the top rope.
"それっ! それっ! それっ!それそれそれそれっ!
それっ! それっ! それっ!それそれそれそれっ!"
Richards heads to the centre of the ring and raises his arms aloft, prompting cheers from those in attendance.
Phillips: I can’t help but notice a serious lack of Rob Arnold out here tonight.
Magnus: You are correct. I won’t have any funny business in my main event.
Phillips: But the champ has retained every time via some sort of funny business.
Magnus: I said what I said.
“HOOOOOOOOOOOOWL”
“All rise fore the king of all wolves now arrives.”
The voice of James Earl Mother Fucking Jones echos over the speakers. How did he get James Earl Jones to say that? It wasn’t a Cameo I’ll tell you that and it cost a pretty penny. Shortly after James Earl Jones speaks Big Sean’s “Wolves” begins to play. The stage lights up with a spotlight and smoke fills the stage. Two men dressed as royal guards walk out and produce swords. They turn and point them into the air touching near the tips and El Rey walks out wearing a crown with the BDDWF Ultimate Championship side plate front and center in the middle of the Crown. Waving in the breeze from fans under the stage is a red cape with the side plates of the other 22 championships that comprise the X*Crown sewn in. El Rey looks around at the booing audience before lifting his head raising his nose in the air showing his superiority over everyone in the audience. He walks under the two swords and makes his way to the ring. He walks up the stairs and steps into the ring. He demands a mic and the ring announcer reluctantly hands it over.
Magnus: The champ is here.
Phillips: And unfortunately it looks like he has something to say.
El Rey: Here we are Riley. Finally. It’s just you, me, and my fans. You think you can beat me without Rob by your side? As the kids say, X to doubt.
El Rey makes an X with his arms. Riley rolls his eyes at the champ and El Rey explodes at Riley taking him down with a stiff lariat.
X*Crown Championship
Riley Richards vs El Rey (c)
Riley Richards vs El Rey (c)
The ref calls for the bell and El Rey stomps down on his hated rival over and over. Riley covers up protecting his head, but it just opens up his midsection and El Rey redirects his attacks to there with kicks to the ribs. Riley tries to cover both his head and ribs at the same time. El Rey delivers one more kick through the arm of his opponent and then stops back and spreads his arms showboating to the fans.
Phillips: The champ took the first shot and has the early upper hand.
While El Rey show boats Riley crawls to the ropes and begins to pull himself up. El Rey turns and catches his opponent getting up. He measures Riley and waits. Once Riley is up to his feet El Rey attacks with a running knee to the gut. Riley doubles over from the shot, but El Rey picks him back up and pushes him against the ropes. He surveys the crowd and slaps into the chest of Riley with a knife edge chop. The crowd screams along with the impact. El Rey measures again, and again nails him with another chop causing another eruption from the crowd. El Rey smiles and reaches way back and goes for a third, but Riley ducks and moves behind El Rey quickly and leaps up nailing the champ with a drop kick to the back sending El Rey tumbling over the top rope to the outside. El Rey quickly is back to his feet, but is quickly back down as Riley leaps over the rope and takes down the champ with a plancha.
Magnus: The champ is down.
Phillips: What a burst by the challenger.
Magnus: Rob has never trained someone to give up so easily, no surprise.
Both men are down on the outside as the ref starts counting both men out. El Rey pulls himself up on the ring barrier as Riley does the same using the steps. Riley takes a deep breath as he stares down the champion. El Rey is full of anger and shoots off of the barrier towards Riley and goes for a running knee, but Riley leaps out of the way and El Rey’s knee collides with the steps. El Rey screams out in pain grabbing his knee. Riley quickly recovers and runs and leaps off of the ring steps nailing El Rey with a knee to the face. Riley quickly rolls into the ring to break the count and rolls back out.
Magnus: The champ is down.
Phillips: She’s about to be down too.
Magnus: What? There’s no women in this match.
Phillips: Oh no, check out the hottie in the front row.
Magnus: That’s El Rey’s mom.
Phillips: Won’t stop me.
Magnus: Maybe her husband will.
Phillips: Riley taking advantage!
Riley grabs the Champ and shoves him back first into the ring barrier. Riley measures his opponent and then sends a high kick to the chest. El Rey screams out in pain and Riley rears back and connects with another, and another, and another. El Rey collapses to a seated position against the ring barrier and Riley rolls again back into the ring. Riley looks around at the crowd who are cheering his name and he bounces up, spring boards off the top rope, and nails El Rey with a drop kick!right to the face causing his head to slam back into the steel ring barrier.
Magnus: What a move by the young NLW Tag Team Champion.
Phillips: Hello cutie standing next to El Rey’s mom.
Magnus: That’s her sister.
Phillips: Well then, color me intrigued.
Magnus: She’s married to Charlie Velez.
Phillips: Riley bringing things back to the ring!
Riley has pulled the X*Crown Champion up and rolled him back into the ring. Riley hops up onto the apron and leans in through the ropes, but he’s halted by an eye poke by the Champ from the mat. Riley grabs at his face and El Rey follows up the poke with an up kick to the face. This causes Riley to be hung up over the ropes. El Rey gets up to his feet and shakes off the shots from the outside, and then bounces off the ropes and nails Riley with a running knee strike that knocks Riley off of the ropes and into the ring. El Rey scrambles to make a cock cover laying down across his opponent while flexing, and Riley quickly kicks out.
Magnus: The champ can’t get the pin on Riley that easy.
Phillips: At this point I think El Rey is only concerned with two things, embarrassing Riley and retaining.
Magnus: Maybe he should worry more about winning.
El Rey gets back to his feet smiling as he stalks his opponent. Riley gets up to his knees and El Rey measures and swings with a violent kick, but Riley catches El Rey’s leg and gets up to his feet. El Rey begs with both hands, but Riley ignores the plea and pulls El Rey towards him and nails a huge elbow. El Rey is rocked and Riley quickly follows by grabbing El Rey by the wrist and whipping the champ into the corner. El Rey hits back first and roars out in pain. Riley quickly charges in with a running clothesline. Riley holds on for a moment to keep El Rey from falling and then climbs up the ropes and begins raining down right hands on the champ. The crowd counts along with his strikes 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6… but El Rey as sneaky as he is finds a way to break it grabbing the tights of Riley exposing his underwear.
Phillips: See, embarrassing.
Magnus: Yeah but that’s not going to win the match.
Phillips: Haven’t you listened to the kid. Winning is secondary, surviving is all he needs to do.
Riley quickly drops down to pull his pants up and El Rey quickly strikes with a forearm that spins Riley around. El Rey grabs Riley from behind with a waist lock and pushes him to the center of the ring. El Rey goes to lift his opponent for a German suplex, the first non strike attempt of the match, but Riley hooks his leg around El Rey’s then follows up with a back elbow, then another, and a third breaks the waist lock. El Rey scrambles slightly, but moves back in only to be nailed by a pele kick from Riley that knocks the champ down.
Magnus: He’s played around too much and now he’s been caught and he’s laying in the drop zone.
Phillips: I’ve seen him turn around from more dangerous situations.
Riley looks around and knows what’s next. He quickly runs and climbs to the ropes looking for Bristol’s finest, but El Rey is up, doubled over, but up. Riley shrugs. He’s going for it. He’s going to double stomp El Rey while he’s standing. He leaps off and flies through the air, but El Rey quickly stands up and swings his leg and nails Riley with a blatant low blow and the ref calls for the bell.
Winner by disqualification: Riley Richards
STILL X*Crown Champion: El Rey!
Phillips: I told you he’d do it.
Magnus: I can’t believe it. I love having the X*Crown but I’m sick of this.
While Magnus is annoyed the crowd is clapping with the chat "He did it again."
CLAP
CLAP
CLAP
The cameras pull back to the entranceway, where “The Buckeye Bruiser” Redmond Fury gives the X*Crown champion a slow clap. The crowd cheer even louder, giving the longest reigning Phoenix champion in XHF history a hero’s welcome!
Phillips: FURY’S BACK! I knew he didn’t die in that bear!
Magnus: I tried to tell everyone, but none of you dicks believed me.
Phillips: Now Magnus, we all knew you had nothing to do with it. And I know that you’re disappointed about the insurance payout, but at least the feds will stop saying you killed him.
Magnus: Wait, they actually said-
Phillips: No way you were going to murder Fury; you’ll never trick as good a catch into marrying you.
Magnus: I have amazing game.
Phillips: So does Cheez.
Redmond Fury soaks in the applause, before turning his sights to El Rey.
Fury: EL REY! I THINK WE CAN ALL AGREE - YOU’RE THE GREATEST GUNS CHAMPION... TO NEVER WRESTLE A GUNS WRESTLER. Oh we’re happy to have Spike Kane, but he’s been here long enough that even that felt like a special guest star. You’ve proven that GUNS can beat anyone on the Network time and time again, but how would you stack up actually defending the X*Crown against a member of the roster? That is the argument I put to Magnus, and when he realized how badly you were treating the homegrown talents, he happily gave me this contract.
The Buckeye Bruiser holds up a piece of paper.
Fury: It looks like I picked the right time to come back from the dead, because on a very special Easter GUNS show – you will be defending your X*CROWN against ME!
Crowd: *MONSTER POP FOR THAT REY FURY ACTION*
Phillips: OH MY GOD!
Magnus: It was only fair!
Phillips: Just when you think Rey can’t take on a bigger challenge, you throw the Buckeye Bruiser at him! This is massive!
Magnus: It’s what the fans wanted, so I was only too happy to sign the-
Fury: Only... I’m not home grown either.
The Buckeye Bruiser unravels the contract, to reveal the name signed to challenge for the crown. The camera zooms in for a close-up but its slightly out of focus-
Phillips: Wait, that name almost looks like-
Magnus: SON OF A BITCH!
Laughing, Redmond Fury rams his powerful fingers into his face. Thumb digging under the cheek, creating a hole that the other digits can follow. Seconds later he tears off the prosthetic make-up.
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
Magnus: NO!
Phillips: Poor El Rey.
Magnus: NO! NO! NO!
Phillips: Fans not taking too kindly to it either-
Magnus: Anyone but him!
The Final Boss stares daggers at El Rey.
Zoran Sainovic: I’m sorry to say you’ll never get zat Fury defence, Rey. We all know zat Magnus killed his trophy husband in an ill-conceived get rich quick scheme. Fury is dead. Only room for one Lazarus on ze Easter show, and you’re looking at him. Ze holiday might be about ascending into heaven, but I assure you, Rey... I’m sending you to hell. So give Skye Walker a venereal disease for me.
Magnus: He has the shot at the Easter Special.
Phillips: Appropriate since like Jesus himself, Zoran has also risen from the dead.
El Rey: Oh fuck no!
El Rey bolts from the ring and hops the ring barrier running for his life. Zoran stands stoic flashing a sadistic grin, The Final Boss waves the X*Crown contract in front of his face, while “Big Bad Wolf” by The Heavy pumps over the PA system.