Gun show Easter Special
Apr 16, 2022 16:36:06 GMT -5
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Mongo the Destroyer, Kira Izumi, and 3 more like this
Post by Venom đ· on Apr 16, 2022 16:36:06 GMT -5
Boom, bang, pow! Happy Easter and welcome to the Gun Show. We pan around the arena and find fans looking under their seats and pulling out Easter Eggs. Even though most fans are looking for eggs we do have a couple screaming fans with signs. One reads âZoran will kill El Rey for our sinsâ and quite a few â#IStandWithMongoâ still lingering around. We cut to Tom and Magnus at ringside wearing their Easter best.
Magnus: Happy Easter!
Phillips: He has risen!
Magnus: And by âheâ Tom means Zoran! The once dead X*Crown Champion and is back to take the X*Crown Championship.
Phillips: But first JFK has something qued up.
Magnus: What? I didnât approve anything.
Phillips: Well, he is the owner.
We cut to the backstage area where we can see Spike Kane and PRICE walking down a corridor talking to each other, the conversation is fairly muted more like theyâre just shooting the shit than anything else, when suddenly a circle of fire appears in front of the pair of them who walk right through it without realising before stopping to realise they are in JFKâs office.
JFK: Oh that worked perfectly.
Spike: What the absolute fuck!?
JFK is sat behind his very large desk with two angry looking men on the opposite side who now turn to look at Spike and PRICE, who has began to walk towards JFKâs drinks cabinet and is opening the bottles one by one to give them a sniff test.
JFK: These two fine young gentlemen are after a match for tonightâs show! You know how I like to cause problems for Magnus, seeing as he sent them here, I figured Iâd find a perfect match for them.
PRICE picks up a fancy bottle of rum and takes a sniff, pleasantly surprised by the results.
PRICE: What makes you think weâre this âteamâ youâre looking for?
The two men angling for a match step forward a little aggressively towards PRICE, which causes Spike to smirk.
Andy: Weâll take you on in any match.
Gus: Yeah, weâre the best tag team in the world!
PRICE: Any match type?
Andy: Any!
Spike: Any?
Gus: Any you deaf fuck!
Now PRICE smirks, and behind this tag team so does JFK.
Spike: Weâll see you out there then, hardcore rules, nice and simpleâŠ.
The team of Andy Shelby and Gus Shavin barge past Spike and PRICE who just smirk at each other.
Spike: You know theyâre fucked right?
He says as he turns to face JFK.
JFK: Oh I know, I just like reminding people whoâs in charge, throw in a little chaos.
Spike and PRICE smirk at each other once more.
PRICE: Bet.
The two begin to turn and walk out of JFKâs office.
Spike: Did they look familiar to you?
PRICE: Was that Trent Helms?
Spike: âŠand Bob Pooler?
We cut back to ringside.
Magnus: He booked my tag team against them?
Phillips: It seems so, and itâs going to happen live tonight.
Magnus: This one match special just turned into a full on show. Jesse Jamester missed the last show due to visa issues coming from Canada.
Phillips: But heâs here tonight and heâs on his way out for here.
Magnus: Excited to see what heâs got for us.
â« âYou are wrong, fucked, and overrated
I think I'm gonna be sick and it's your fault
This is the end of everything
You are the end of everythingâ â«
The GUNS Arena lights up with red strobe lights as the screen shows black scales cross in front of the camera, before an eye is seen. Zooming out the tron shows the face of Jesse Jamester, before spinning into a James Bond spiral that begins a series of greatest hits from the Murder Lizardâs wrestling career.
Out walks Jesse Jamester, dawning black and white attire with a black shoulder cut off vest with âM.F.K.â on the right chest and the back has the skull of a lizard wrapped in barbed wire with arcing font that reads âMurder Lizard INCâ over it, and âThe Departedâ underneath.
Phillips: He tore Greg Adkins a new one last show. What does tonight hold for this monster?
Magnus: These fans know this manâs history, but what they are showing tonight is not respect, itâs a mixed reaction for the former King of Violence.
Phillips: HE SAID IT - NOT me!
Finally to the ring, Jesse pulls a microphone out of his vest jacket as the heavy metal theme music fades out. Fans gave him a mixed reaction, showing that the once popular star of a former promotion now had lost some of his following.
Jesse Jamester: Mhhhhmmm⊠Where do I start eh? Maybe I point out the fact that not a soul in that locker room had the balls to step up and challenge me tonight. Maybe I will tell you about the woes of a prominent Canadian promoter who cashed in all his chips and let a legacy die, eh. (pauses) Or maybeâ I just take out my annoyance with the lack of competition around here, and take it out on the XHF XCrown championship match later and leave them all bloodied and battered!
Fans boo the sentiment of the Murder Lizard, who dawns a new look tonight. His attitude showing in his swagger, a jaded veteran who obviously had some heavy items on his plate at the moment.
Jesse Jamester: What? You donât want the rumor mill B-S you all clamor to your keyboards about as soon as you get home? Oh woe is the wrestling fans of GUNS, who have a champion who looks a lot like my next rug. (grins) You know, maybe itâs the fact that trash like Greg Adkins get a contract to pretend to be something they arenât, that really pisses me off. While I slave my blood, flesh, and hide just to get your respect⊠patheticâ
The microphone cuts out as we hear another voice.
âThis is just sad.â snarled a voice suddenly, and from the back flanked as always by Sinclair Godfrey stepped Donzig. His long leather coat swirled around him as he stared at the ring from beneath his hood, light gleaming off his mask as he stared at the ring. A hand lifted, shoving the hood back as he lifted a hand to wave absently.
Phillips: Is that...Donzig?
Magnus: Unfortunately, yes.
Phillips: Didn't you ban him.
Magnus: Yes. I don't like people who want to work everywhere.
Phillips: Looks like you left the back door open.
Donzig: You think these people care about you? You think they give two fucks about you? And you think these boys in the back give a shit? None of them could spare the time to walk down to even face the Canadian Nightmare in a match?
Donzig shook his head, pacing back and forth before he waved a hand at the ring. The scourge had something to say, and it would not wait any longer.
Donzig: Youâre nothing to them, a traitor, a fucking turncoat! They look at you with contempt, like they are better then you! Even these rabbleâ
Donzig stared at the fans, then shrugged before looking back at the ring.
Donzig: No one cares about you, Murder Lizard. No one believes in you! Youâre irrelevant! Youâre just a freak, a monster like me!
A pause, and Donzig stared.
Donzig: But you and I? We have unfinished business donât we, Jesse. And it is time you pay what you owe! You want a goddamned match?
The fans perked up, and Donzig lifted a hand to tear off his mask. He handed it to Sinclair, and his dead eyes narrowed on the ring as he lifted a hand to rake at his beard. Then he pointed a crooked finger at the ring, snarling.
Donzig: Mormo! Moloch! Give this piece of shit a match!
The fans booed, and the Oblivion Death Squad stormed from the back. They glared at the ring, rolling their broad shoulders as the foot soldiers of Donzig-gun headed for the ring. Donzig laughed, smirking as he looked on with a nod to Sinclair.
And she followed after the pair as he stood on the ramp, staring at Jesse who was welcoming the challenge as the Oblivion Death Squad made their way to the ring. A referee rushes down the aisle and heads around the ring to get to the timekeeper, informing him itâs official.
Two on One Match
30-Minute Time Limit
Oblivion Death Squad (Moloch and Mormo w/Sinclair Godfrey) vs âMurder Lizardâ Jesse Jamester
The Oblivion Death Squad hit the ring with a mission, both take to opposite sides of the ring, splitting Jesseâs attention. Mormo slides in behind the Murder Lizard as Moloch gets on the apron to cause a distraction, baiting the target. The smaller of the two, Moloch eats a knee from a charging JJ for his efforts. The move sends Moloch off the apron but he recovers nicely by landing on his feet.
SMASH!
From behind Mormo, the three-hundred-thirty pound mac truck of a human, blasts Jesse with a full kitchen sink assault! JJ hits the middle ropes with his chest and is immediately ganged up on. Mormo sits on his back and pulls Jesseâs arms back, while Moloch slugs the Murder Lizard with massive bear paw strikes to the face. The Oblivion Death Squad were quick to get the jump on Jesse, controlling the narrative from the start.
Magnus: No matter how much talent is in that ring, they arenât good enough to be the GUNS Champ. I said what I said.
Phillips: Bold assumption that they would only try and beat it Magnus. Between them all, theyâd be having a mounted bear head on a pole match by the time they got done with him.
Magnus: Do not besmirch our humble, honorable, most grizzly of the Great Grizzles! You hear me Philis!
Finally the bell rings. The referee orders Moloch on the outside to the apron. Mormo turns to the referee with a confused look, before yelling at him to shut the hell up. Getting off the back of JJ, Mormo runs the distance of the ring, bouncing off the opposite ropes and rushing towards Jesse who was still leaning on the ropes. Leaving his feet (but barely), Mormo aims to put all his weight on the mid-back of the Murder Lizard!
Phillips: And a miss! Jesse finds an opening.
Magnus: For a man who has sacrificed his flesh and blood for this business so often, I thought he would be uglier.
Phillips: Do you want me to get his number for you?
Magnus: Already got it, bissssh.
Mormo had hit the ropes awkwardly and was now laying in the ring with his feet on the second rope. Jesse drops a high knee on the unsuspecting Mormoâs forehead. The crowd cheers, seeing the Donzig-Gun group get what they deserved. There was a blood thirst feeling in the crowd, as they watched on, much like Donzig did from the stage.
Magnus: Ten bucks Donzig gets involved?
Phillips: Suckers bet, we knew that from the get go.
Magnus: Youâre just broke, huh?
Lifting Magnus up to his feet, JJ shoves his head down so itâs facing the canvas. Tuck and pull, PILEDRIVER! The head of Mormo bounces off the canvas and like a board he stands straight up before falling flat on his back. Sitting up JJ surveys the left side of the ring, turning to the right â Moloch with a running knee to the side of his face!
Phillips: Road Lizard, coming right up.
Magnus: Nobody wants to disappoint Donzig. Like really, who wants to have to deal with that guy?
Phillips: Not me, hard pass.
Moloch and Mormo both converge on Jesse Jamester as Sinclair Godfrey yells orders from ringside, smashing the apron with her hand and pointing to the Oblivion Death Squad to do what they are told. Moloch sends JJ into the ropes as Mormo runs horizontally to the ropes in front of Moloch. Clipper in the thigh, JJ takes out Moloch and he trips into Mormo, causing the two to clumsily fall over one another.
Magnus: Misdirection by the Murder Lizard!
Phillips: Serves them right for the double team.
Magnus: This man was a final three in the 2021 XHF Rumble, donât disrespect him like that.
Jesse lifts up Mormo and with a spin of the arm heaves him towards a rising Moloch â KAPOOOW! Head to head! Oblivion Death Squad split their noggins, sending Mormo backwards into Jesseâs clutches. Moloch goes under the middle rope as he falters backwards from the headbutte of his partner! Clanging to the middle rope but his fingers donât quite have the grip, and Moloch hits the ground! Mormo inside the ring is being treated to a vicious bridging German suplex by the Murder Lizard! Jesse goes for the bridge pin, not letting go after driving Mormo neck first into the canvas!
1!
2!
3â
THE REFEREE IS PULLED OUT OF THE RING!
Sinclair Godfrey rips the refereeâs pants nearly as she drags him under the bottom rope and onto the floor next to Moloch. A swift kick to the head and we know she doesnât care about the stat sheet, she was aiming to finish the orders given by Donzig â any way she sought fit.
Donzig stands on top of the ramp, arms crossed as he nods and watches on. The minions of Donzig-Gun were faithful servants of the cause, never wavering in their effectiveness to get to his targets. The history of Jesse Jamester and Donzig spanned nearly 6 months back. This was not some cup of tea decision for Donzig, oh no, revenge was only half of the equation. Donzig had stunned Jesse after his title defense in their former promotion back in December 2021. Ever since, Donzig has been waiting to cash in his chance â but the True Last King of the North, had never had his chance to fight Donzig since the promotion closed in February 2022.
So tonight, at GUNS â it was payback. Bitter sweet for the returning star, Jamester. The fans were noticing the changes but they had not seen him in some time. Donzig would surely find taking him out tonight as an advantage heading into the XHF Rumble this year.
Tried and true, the Murder Lizard had found his feet and was being confronted by Sinclair Godfrey, who now weilded a steel chair. Swinging at the masked maniac, Sinclair connects on the right shoulder, as Jesse turns his head to absorb most of the shot. Staggering backwards a step, he shakes it off and turns upright - staring directly at Sinclair!
SWING AGAIN!
COUNTER!
Jesse swipes the chair out of her hands before grabbing the neck of Sinclair Godfrey! Looking for a chokeslam, he lifts Sinclair off her feet as she chops at his arm trying to escape his grasp! Smashed from behind by Mormo! Jesse releases his grip and drops Sinclair, to which she immediately yells at the Oblivion Death Squad to take care of business. Moloch rolls in the ring and is provided a chair by Sinclair as Mormo continues a beat down with heavy knees to the midsection and ribs of the Murder Lizard. Moloch nods to Mormo, who takes the arms of Jesse and outstretches them as Moloch swings the chair across his back with ferocious force! Dropping to one knee, Jesse grunts from the shot as his body absorbs it fully, reddening a bit on the lower back.
Phillips: This is about to get ugly.
Magnus: Where have you been?
Phillips: Mostly ignoring you.
The referee has lost control and the bell is sounded as he throws out the match, calling it on account of disqualification. Anyone who wasnât living under a rock knew this was never about winning a match, no, Donzig wanted to make an example of the Murder Lizard - and the Oblivion Death Squad were doing just that. Mormo lifts Jesse back to his feet and pries his arms as Moloch swings again at the lower back area â CRAAAACK!
Magnus: Moloch inadvertently smashes his partner with the chair!
Phillips: Jesse shifted his position and Mormo took all of it to the cranium⊠Ouch thatâs going to leave a mark.
Magnus: How is it that the Murder Lizards always finds a way out of these situations? That lizard has infinite lives, I swear!
Phillips: Isnât it lizards that can lose their tail and grow it back?
Before Magnus can respond Jesse side steps Molochâs swinging attack with the steel chair, to which Jesse now stands in front of Sinclair Godfrey. Moloch raises the chair back and swings with everything he has, to no avail, Jesse dodges left and Sinclairâs eyes light up as big as oranges â saved! Moloch is aware enough that he stops mid-swing as Sinclair shakes her head at his near fatal mistake. From behind though this party is quickly interrupted as JJ dropkicks Moloch in the back! Bumping into Sinclair, Moloch tosses the chair just in time but ends up sending Godfrey tumbling over the middle rope and to the outside. Jesse is quick to get to his feet, stalking Moloch from behind as he points to Donzig on the stage - nodding to him as his thumb goes up and crosses his throat in a cutting motion.
Phillips: THE VIOLENT GRAVE!
Magnus: The what?! Is that some sorta nickname for his hand gesture?
Phillips: No, the move you â nevermind. (sighs)
Lifting Moloch upside down with Molochâs knees where Jesseâs face is, Molochâs head between Jesseâs thighs; the Murder Lizard plunges to his knees and spikes Moloch on his head with a devastating piledriver that shakes the ring!
Donzigâs body language says it all, frustration and irritation as JJ clears the ring of the Oblivion Death Squad. Sinclair waves off the team and the ring as she heads up the ramp towards Donzig shaking her head with a scowl on her face.
Moloch and Mormo are both dazed and confused as Jesse stands on in the center of the ring gesturing for Donzig to come down to the ring.
Jesse Jamester: Is that all you got?! Come down here so I can finish what you started!
Donzig stares on in the direction of JJ, though his mask prevents us from seeing what his facial expression is; one could guess it was not smiling, no, his plan had fallen apart. Tonight was not the Scourgeâs night to skin the lizard for a new pair of boots.
[Scene fades to a commercial break just before the camera zooms in on Donzigâs menacing mask fills television sets all over the world.]
The following advertisement is paid and sponsored by Snickers.
SNICKERS!
You're not the same when you're hungry.
Have a Snickers!
Don't be a Bear!
(the voice Gulps audibly)
Goldbear II is seen eating a massive pile of snickers. Letting out a massive bear roar with chocolate all over his lips and on his teeth. Nobody told Goldbear II what to do, this was barely a commercial and more of a holdup from the GUNS star.
At ringside some generic rock music begins to play as the two men we saw in JFKâs office earlier begin to make their way to the ring.
Phillips: Who in the blue hell are these guys!?
Magnus: These are an up and coming tag team Tom! Two guys who are going to make their debut as a team tonight and set the world on fire!
Phillips: Yeah but who are they?
Magnus: Andy Shelby and Gus Shavin! The Driving Town Pew Pewâs!
The two pose on the ramp as they make their way down to the ring, before rolling inside and posing inside too, to a fairly muted reaction. Some fans can be seen in the crowd starting to get up and head to the facilities when suddenly, the lights go out as guitar feedback is heard before becoming a riff, smoke filling up the stage.
âCHAOS! CHAOS! CHAOS! CHAOS!
CHAOS! CHAOS! CHAOS! CHAOS!â
Strobe lights begin to flash wildly as Spike Kane and PRICE step through the smoke.
âBombs dropping on the runway, the oceans overflow
I know for certain, one day I'll see you down below
I'll find some solace someday, and you'll reap what you sow
I'll see you Bloody Sunday (so you can break my soul)â
The two men begin to slowly make their way down the ramp, taking in the pop from the crowd and their opponents in the ring.
âNo one can save you, no one can save you
The chaos awaits you!â
When they reach the ring they split up and each pick a side, before climbing up onto the ring apron and up onto the turnbuckle.
âI can't see tomorrow 'cause I might die today
I sing this sorrow with a smile on my face
Oh-oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh-oh-oh
I can't see tomorrow, are we dead or alive?
When the blind lead the blind in theâ
The lights begin to flash wildly again as both men climb down off the turnbuckle and meet in the middle crossing their arms into an X across their chests and bumping fists together as they do.
âCHAOS! CHAOS! CHAOS! CHAOS!
The blind lead the blind in the-
CHAOS! CHAOS! CHAOS! CHAOS!
CHAOS! CHAOS! CHAOS! CHAOS!â
The music fades as the lights return to normal, and both teams begin to strategise.
Magnus: Well fuck.
Phillips: What?
Magnus: I mean, erm, this has to be a great moment for GUNS and the Gun Show.
Phillips: CHAOS THEORY ARE HERE!!!!!
Magnus: Wait, you knew their name?
Phillips: JFK gave me a cheat sheetâŠ
The bell rings and as The Driving Town Pew Pewâs discuss who is going to go first both Spike and PRICE roll out of the ring. Spike lifts up the ring apron and makes a gesture of letting PRICE have first dibs. PRICE pulls out a kendo stick, and Spike reaches in for a steel chair. Andy and Gus are shouting at the referee, but he simply shrugs and says âItâs hardcore rules.â
Randy: They donât fuck about do they?
Magnus: ... .no.
Randy: Whatâs wrong?
Magnus: I was hoping these guys could kickstart the tag team division.
Randy: Welp, they have! JustâŠnot in the way you wanted.
Tag Team Match
Hardcore Rules
The Driving Town Pew Pewâs vs Chaos Theory
As Andy takes the initiative, he sprints across the ring and runs up the turnbuckle, diving off of the top with an insane running moonsault, however midway through the air both Spike and PRICE just at each other and step to the side. Andy Shelby slams into the floor as Chaos Theory avoid him with ease. PRICE nods to Spike, then to the man on the floor, before turning to face Gus, Spike nods back and begins to position the chair in a seated position, while PRICE rolls back into the ring.
Magnus: We should probably get some medics on standby, I hope he included that in his budget for the show!
Randy: Itâs ok!!! *loud burp* Iâm first laid trained!
Magnus: Do you mean âfirst aidâ?
Randy: No, I actually meant Thirst Aid, but I am also the first to get laid.
Gus hopes through the ropes from his corner as he sees PRICE coming towards him, he launches himself for a diving lariat, but as if he was playing baseball PRICE takes a step to the side and absolutely clocks Shavin right in the face, causing him to crumple in a heap. On the outside, Spike has set the chair up and now has Shelby on his feet, he lifts him into the air and turns around stalling before dropping Andy Shelby head first into the chair on the outside with the Spike Impailer!
Magnus: Oh my god heâs dead.
Randy: I hope these dudes are insured!
Magnus: OH MY GOD.
PRICE reaches down with his kendo stick and puts it under the throat of Gus Shavin before putting his boot on his back and pulling hard on the kendo stick. Shavin flails wildly trying to reach for the ropes. He almost does before Spike Kane from the outside slaps his hands away. With a feat of strength PRICE then lifts Shavin up to his feet, still holding the kendo stick he hits a devastating PRICE CRASH!
Randy: These two are kinda like thugs. I like it.
Magnus: Donât let them hear you.
Randy: Why?
Magnus: Theyâll kill you! Spike already hates you!
Randy: Naaaaah, he put me through a table weâre good now.
Magnus: I know he did! I HAD TO SEE NAKED SPIKE RIGHT IN FRONT OF MY EYES!
Spike slides into the ring and begins to stalk the almost lifeless form of Shavin, but heâs barely moving. PRICE mouths to Spike âI think I killed him!â So Spike rises to his feet, and instead puts the tip of his boot under the jaw of Shavin and slowly lifts it, lifting Gus up to his feet before he instantly spins and connects with the BLOODY SUNDAY! At the same time PRICE grabs him again for the PRICE CRASH!
Randy: ALPHA AND OMEGA!!!!
Magnus: What does that even mean?
Randy: *checking his sheet* itâs their tag team finishing move!
Shavin is out cold, and Andy hasnât gotten up from the outside. Spike and PRICE look to the ref, as they donât actually know who is the legal man. They shrug and instead both put a foot on the lifeless corpse of Gus Shavin folding their arms as they do, the referee shrugs and counts with both hands. ONE! âŠâŠTWO! âŠâŠ..THREE!!!
Winners: Chaos Theory
Randy: Chaos Theory pick up their first win in their debut as a team in the Network Era!
Magnus: It was a case of some brutal efficiency tonight. I hope the Driving Town Pew Pewâs are okay!
âCHAOS! CHAOS! CHAOS! CHAOS!â
The Hollywood Undead song âChaosâ kicks back in as the referee declares them the winner.
PRICE paces around the ring demanding a mic and is finally handed one he hits his own head with it a few times to make sure it's on.
PRICE: "Cut our fucking music. It's time for a little bit of a history lesion with your favorite uncle PRICE."
Spike cleans out the ring kicking and rolling The Driving Town Pew Pewâs out of the ring then posts up in the corner.
PRICE: "About a dozen or so years ago I first stepped foot into what it was known then, before it became a network, the XHF. The Xtreme Hardcore Federation."
GUNS fans pop for their spiritual ancestor.
PRICE: "Needless to say I didn't make many friends when I came in, if anything I left bodies in my wake. But there was one man, ONE MAN that was brave enough, crazy enough, to approach me, to extend an olive branch. Because he saw then what took me a while to learn myself, that we were kindred spirits, men cut from the same cloth. Born and raised in the forge of violence.
We even briefly teamed up. Made a little bit of noise but then ego's got in the way, big time. He viewed me as his prodigy and I wanted to be view as his peer. Well push came to shove, and I had to beat the lesion into him but he eventually got it.
PRICE: But those of you that know our history know all that, you know about the wars me and Spike Kane here fought in the middle of this ring, the violence and destruction we unleashed on each other. What you don't know, or didn't see is the hours of travel we spent in cars bus's and airplanes. The bond we formed over violence and destruction. This man became more than just my most bitter rival, he became more than just a co worker or buddie, this man became la Familia, a brother in arms.
When the XHF closed our paths took us different directions, I chose to retire, he kept going to become one of if not the biggest start the XHF has ever produced.
Fast forward a few years, with our issues long gone between us we find ourselves in the same place at the same time once more.
But this time, ego's wont get in the way, pride will not cause us to implode, we are much older, wiser, and a hell of a lot more violent than we've ever been.
And that's bad news for any...and I do mean ANY tag team on the XHF Network.
The Alpha and Omega of the XHF, it's beginning and it's end, are together one more time, the Godfathers of Violence have set their sites on ALL the tag team gold.
And there ain't a damn thing anyone can do to stop the Chaos Theory.
I have spoken."
He goes to offer the mic to Spike.
Spike: Consider you cunts on notice.
"Chaos" by Hollywood Undead hits the speakers again as Spike drops the mic, and both PRICE and Spike stare down the camera.
Tom Phillips: This is shaping up to be an event to remember!
Magnus: Donât remind me, Tom. I signed this match under false pretenses. I was so overjoyed that my husband was still alive that I didnât realize it was Zoran in racially insensitive make-up. Iâd never feed Rey to that monster otherwise.
Tom Phillips: The defense has attracted a capacity crowd â a lot of celebrities in the audience for this toast of the wrestling world. Iâd say we were putting Wrestlemania to shame for sheer star power.
Magnus: Speaking of which, we have Wrestlemania 14âs Gennifer Flowers as a broadcast colleague tonight. What's it like mixing with the animals, Gennifer?
The camera cuts to the crowd, where Gennifer Flowers stands out in a shining silver dress â kind of tacky but way too nice for the venue.
Gennifer Flowers: Thatâs right, Magnus! Tense town has come out in full force to see this crown fight. Letâs see if I can get a word with a few of them- WOW â Willie Ames, the original Bibleman! For Bibleman to be at the GUNS arena on Easter no less, you know there is something in the air.
Willie Aames: Well itâs a great story of personal responsibility, and standing up to evil regardless of the consequences.
Gennifer Flowers: So is it safe to say youâre on team Rey?
Willie Aames: Lord no â Zoran is going to kill him.
Gennifer Flowers: Wow! It seems even Bibleman doesnât have faith in El Rey. Thanks Willie â and over here we have, Captain Keith Colburn from Discovery Channelâs Deadliest Catch. Thoughts on the match, Cap?
Captain Keith: When youâre traversing the widow maker that is the Bering Sea, you know that each haul could be your last. El Rey has put his crown on the line one too many times, and the cord is about to snap.
Gennifer Flowers: Keith spends a lot of time around fish and death, and says they both smell better than El Reyâs chances. Many of the stars feel that Zoran Sainovic will beat El Rey to an emasculating degree â and speaking of which, who are you here to support, John Wayne Bobbitt?
John Wayne Bobbitt: Anyone who doubts Sainovic is walking out with the crown has clearly lost their head.
Gennifer Flowers: Iâm sure we have someone here willing to show El Rey some love?
Bridget the Midget: Is this a bit? Do you know anything about wrestling, Gennifer?
Spencer Pratt: El Rey win? (laughing like a jackass) Youâre too funny, Gennifer!
Darcey Silva: Well I for one think Ray is going to come out on top.
Gennifer Flowers: There you have it Magnus, 90-Day FiancĂ©eâs Darcey Silva thinks El Rey will retain â and she knows something about picking winners! The mind breaking thought of the champion retaining is making these celebrities angry, however, so Iâm going to send it back to you.
Back at the announce position, Tom regrets that no Teen Moms appeared amongst the reality stars.
Tom Phillips: Thanks Gennifer! Now Magnus, have you done anything to incorporate the Easter theme into the night?
Magnus: If weâd done it on Good Friday, it would have been a crucifixion match â but Mongo is already after my giblets over the Byrd appearance, so we thought today would be more respectful. Each member of the audience has been given a commemorative Easter egg painted like their favourite GUNS stars.
Tom Phillips: You gave the audience eggs? Well I canât see how that will come back to haunt-
#SMACK#
An Easter Egg with a crude Rob Arnold image scribbled on it catches Tom between the eyes.
Tom Phillips: Argh. Iâve got shell in my eyes!
Magnus: Poor Tom, if only you were a respected pillar of the community like myse-
#SMACK#
A Ken in the Box Easter Egg hits Magnus in the back of the head. This hurts more, because of the box.
Magnus: Who threw that? Security!
Tom Phillips: Whatâs that smell?
Magnus: Well... we painted the eggs weeks ago, and the refrigeration unit was kind of on the fritz...
Tom Phillips: You handed ten thousand rotten eggs out to a wrestling crowd?
Magnus: They have cute pictures of L.A. Wombat and Spike Kane on them, Iâm sure our assailants were isolated malcontents. Whoâd want to smash a Greg Adkins egg?
#SMACK#
Tom Phillips: Iâm gonna be sick-
Tom starts to throw up only to have a Venom egg thrown in his mouth, it breaks on impact. Also doesnât help with the need to vomit.
Magnus: Can we get more security to ringside, and uh, also umbrellas? In the meantime let's throw it over to special musical guests Los del RĂo for our national anthem.
The Star-Spangled Banner begins to play over the PA, as the camera pulls in on a close-up on two older Spanish men decked out in tuxedos in the middle of the ring.
Antonio Romero Monge: I am not trying to seduce you.
Rafael Ruiz Perdigones: Dale a tu cuerpo alegrĂa, Macarena
Magus: OOOOOOOH SAY CAN YOU SEE-
Antonio Romero Monge: Que tu cuerpo es pa' darle alegrĂa y cosa Buena
Magnus: By the dawnâs early light â Iâm translating the Spanish into English for listeners that might not be familiar with the Star Spangled Banner in espanol.
Rafael Ruiz Perdigones: Dale a tu cuerpo alegrĂa, Macarena
Magnus: What so proudly we hailed-
Antonio & Rafael: Eh, Macarena, ÂĄAy!
Magnus: At the twilightâs last gleaming-
The duo start dancing along with the music.
Rafael Ruiz Perdigones: Dale a tu cuerpo alegrĂa, Macarena-
Magnus: Okay, clearly our guest musicians have decided to serenade the crowd with their 90s hit, The Macarena, instead of actually singing the anthem. This is why we donât broadcast the anthem anymore â it happens every time, I donât know why I thought the Easter special would be different. Can we get their mics killed before Los del RĂo are pelted with rotten eggs?
The music stops.
The crowd which was dancing along and into it, decided to pelt Magnus with rotten eggs.
#SMACK SOUND EFFECT CITY#
The announce position is so covered in rotten sludge that it looks like the end of a particularly nasty tentacle based hentai. No wonder Kira keeps showing up.
Shaking their heads in disgust at the production team for ruining the mood, Los del Rio exit into the audience, to continue their dated antics.
{All the lights in the arena die out.}
{Dramatic Pause.}
"REGRETS I'VE HAD MINE!"
{The lights in the arena explode to life as they flash green and black to the beat as Steve Awesome comes running out with intensity to the hyped up chorus of "Full of Regrets" by Danko Jones.}
Lonely nights/ and a whole lot of wasted time!
If you see her wont you tell her for me/
It's better this way to avoid all the misery
{The chorus plays again as Steve walks down to ringside. The guitar starts soloing and Steve hops up onto the commentatorâs table, a few heroic poses before joining his brown yolk encrusted colleagues.}
Tom Phillips: NAME!
Magnus: STEVE AWESOME! What are you doing here?
Steve Awesome: I keep getting flack for not âresearchingâ Zorum, so I figured Iâd get up close and personal. Besides, it looked like you guys were about to get egged to death, and I figure my magnetic personality would keep the fans from throwing things in this direction.
Tom Phillips: Thanks Steve!
A few people still throw eggs, fortunately Steveâs superior reflexes let him get out of the way â leaving only Magnus and Tom to get hit.
Magnus: We need some more umbrellas â now letâs throw it to the special guest announcer, The Trix Rabbit.
Steve Awesome: From General Mills?
Magnus: I spared no expense!
The Trix breakfast cereal mascot enters the ring with a microphone, cue cards, and big cartoon grin.
Trix Rabbit: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN- THIS IS THE MAIN EVENT!
The large rabbit looks down at the cue cards.
Silence.
Magnus: Whatâs the problem?
Trix Rabbit: I never learned to read!
Magnus: Who are you trying to kid? Silly Rabbit, Trix are for ki-
Trix Rabbit: No, Iâm being serious.
Magnus: For fuckâs sake...
Magnus climbs up onto the announcerâs desk with a microphone. This makes him a target for forty eggs that all look like L.A. Wombat â as though he was the wrestler who was forced to paint them all. Magnus accepts this barrage of sludge, but the show must go on.
Magnus: One night I wanted a guest announcer. One night! Fine, whatever. THE FOLLOWING CONTEST IS SCHEDULED FOR ONE FALL, HAS A SIXTY â Jesus â SIXTY MINUTE TIME LIMIT...
Tom Phillips: Looks like El Rey isnât getting out of this with a draw.
Steve Awesome: Iâm probably just going to be memorizing lines for my next film.
Tom Phillips: Is that Anal Retentive Drive School 3?
Steve Awesome: Which will be going out on all reputable streaming services in July.
Tom Phillips: Will Jumbo Mac ever get his G license?
Magnus: AND IS FOR THE XHF X*CROWN CHAMPIONSHIP-
The crowd roar furiously for the championship, less interested in the introductions is the announce crew which are too busy discussing the plot for Anal Retentive Drive School 3.
The Heavy's "Big Bad Wolf" blasts over the PA system.
#With Time Slipping Away#
#I Can't Say What I'll Do...#
#You Got Nothing To Saaaaaaaaaaaay#
#'Til I Tell You Who's Whoooooooooooooo#
#You Know Why?#
Shoving through the back curtains is Redmond Fury much to the delight of all. The reaction is somewhat mixed, when Fury pulls out a sickle and starts cutting himself out of the massive muscle suit. Everyone's favourite chipânâdale dancer looking Asian babyface, was actually an elderly Eastern European monster in sheep's clothing.
Magnus: ENTERING FIRST, THE CHALLENGER, STANDING AT 6â1â, AND WEIGHING IN AT 242LBS â HE COMES TO US FROM BELGRADE, SERBIA- PLEASE GIVE WARM GUNS WELCOME TO-
THE FINAL BOSS!
The reaction for Zoran Sainovic is about what you'd expect, given how many people in attendance were glad he died. They donât throw the rotten eggs, however, as Zoran is scary as hell. The Final Boss moves down the aisle in sync with the tunes, now decked out in an Armani suit. The swagger is very real.
#Cos I'm The Big Bad Wolf#
#(What You Say)#
#I'm The Big Bad Wolf#
#(What You Say)#
#I'm The Big Bad Wolf#
#And I'm Blowing Down Your Neighbourhood#
Magnus: WAIT â he doesnât get the egg treatment?
No, the crowd are too smart, and know that Magnus wonât protect them if they end up on Sainovicâs bad side. They donât want to end up dead like Steve Awesome â who is too busy explaining why Jumbo Mac will never get his learnerâs permit to take any of this in. The prompt for egg tossing does get Magnus a cold look from Sainovic â itâs enough for the commentator to continue the introductions from under the announce table.
#I SAID#
#AAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO#
Blind Sonny Stubbs: I just have to pat you down for weapons, Mister Sainovic.
Zoran Sainovic: How much time do you have?
Referee Blind Sonny Stubbs sheepishly backs down from the weapon check. While Zoran, who remains unaware that his nemesis Steve Awesome is sitting ten feet from the ring - waits for El Rey.
Magnus: AND THE CHAMPION-
âHOOOOOOOOOOOOWLâ
Magnus: STANDING AT 5â8â, AND WEIGHING IN AT 180LBS â HE COMES TO US FROM ATLANTA, GEORGIA-
PLEASE GIVE HIM A ROUND OF APPLAUSE LIKE IT COULD BE HIS LAST-
YOUR CHAMPION-
ELLLLLLLLLLLLLL REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEY!
âAll rise fore the king of all wolves now arrives.â
The voice of James Earl Mother Fucking Jones echos over the speakers. How did he get James Earl Jones to say that? It wasnât a Cameo Iâll tell you that and it cost a pretty penny. Shortly after James Earl Jones speaks Big Seanâs âWolvesâ begins to play. The stage lights up with a spotlight and smoke fills the stage. Two men dressed as royal guards walk out and produce swords. They turn and point them into the air touching near the tips and El Rey walks out wearing a crown with the BDDWF Ultimate Championship side plate front and center in the middle of the Crown. Waving in the breeze from fans under the stage is a red cape with the side plates of the other 22 championships that comprise the X*Crown sewn in. In a new twist under the cape El Rey is wearing a body armor tank top to protect his vital organs with matching long tights. El Rey looks around at the booing audience before lifting his head raising his nose in the air showing his superiority over everyone in the audience. He walks under the two swords and makes his way to the ring, but no, he stops dead in his tracks when his gaze meets Sainovicâs and the fear sets in.
Steve Awesome: Because if he ever got his license, we couldnât make another one. Why would he keep coming back to the school?
Tom Phillips: Maybe he becomes an instructor?
Steve Awesome: Jumbo Mac is too fun for that, the series is all about him making the stick in the mud instructors loosen up with sexy and scatological hijinks.
El Rey would love to stall for time along the aisle, but finds himself in the awkward position of looking terrified at his opponent, and needing to run to the ring to avoid all the eggs being thrown at him. Sliding into the ring, Rey tries to use the safety of Zoran to avoid the eggs, while trying to avoid Zoran.
Magnus: Both competitors in the ring- thereâs the bell.
XHF X*CROWN CHAMPIONSHIP
EL REY © Vs. ZORAN SAINOVIC
Backpedaling with the superior speed of a champion, El Rey reaches through the ropes, snatching a microphone from a production assistant.
El Rey: Now hang on there! Wait!
El Rey circles, trying to maintain a safe distance, and keep on the opposite side of the ring from the elderly psycho.
El Rey: WAIT JUST ONE MINUTE! I hear the fans. âWe want another DANCE OFF like you had with Lord Dominicus!â
Crowd Chant: NO. WE. DONâT.
El Rey: âThat dance off was the greatest defense in the history of the crown. Too bad Old Man Sainovic is too decrepit to get his groove on!â Thatâs the audience talking, not me Zoran. Please believe me! I know youâre still cool enough to not only bust-a-move but potentially win the crown in a non-violent dance off! So why donât you show everyone how hip you are with your lindy hop! Which is what weâre going to do now-
ROUND ONE!
El Rey starts to do The Macarena.
Magnus: TOO SOON!
El Rey doesnât get three moves in, before Zoran Sainovic calmly produces a butterfly knife from up his sleeve, and tosses it into Reyâs foot.
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Crowd: SHIT JUST GOT REAL POP!
El Rey: JESUS!
No longer dancing, the champion looks down at his foot, more shocked than in pain. Perhaps it went between the toes, and didnât actually penetrate? Nope, thereâs the blood.
Zoran Sainovic: Iâm more into breakdancing.
The Final Boss starts to move towards his prey, for his part, El Rey fights through the âclearly too numb to feelâ pain, and tries to run away.
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Only the knife has pinned his foot to the canvas.
El Rey: Now hang on-
Before he can protest, Sainovic is on him â hammering away with brutal Eastern European uppercuts. Those are like regular European Uppercuts, but they tend to hit the adamâs apple more. The force rocks Rey back into the ropes, which he bounces off of into another vicious strike. With his foot pinned, Rey has effectively gone from Fred Astaire to a literal punching bag.
Magnus: Reyâs best chance was speed and his high flying edge â in the opening minute, the champâs literally been grounded.
Steve Awesome: Rey?
Tom Phillips: Heâs talking about the match. Magnus, canât you see that Steve is trying to promote his upcoming blockbuster? Sorry for the interruption, Steve.
A haymaker finally knocks El Rey to the canvas â doesnât free his foot though, just causes him to cut further into the flesh as he falls. El Rey points to the knife.
El Rey: Are you seeing this? Disqualify him ref!
Blind Sonny Stubbs turns to Sainovic for permission.
Zoran Sainovic: And risk upsetting me? No Rey, zere is only one fool in zis ring.
Finding it too painful to take the knife out, El Rey instead pulls the foot â with the knife in it off the canvas. The Final Boss reaches down for a Conditionizer â so the champion desperately kicks up, driving his knife foot into Zoranâs thigh. Stopping, the older man pulls the knife tip out â holding the leg to toss Rey across the canvas.
El Rey: Then disqualify me!
Reaching down, Zoran inspects the blood pouring out of his wound.
Blind Sonny Stubbs: Do you want me to disqualify him?
Sainovic inspects the gore with a faint smile, then shakes his head.
Zoran Sainovic: No. I came here for ze crown. If Rey wants us to get ROUGHER... zatâs his prerogative.
El Rey: Oh no!
Knife still firmly in foot, El Rey uses the ropes to pull himself up â then tries to hop away. Stumbling, the champ falls halfway through the ropes â but then tries to make it look like it was on purpose, continuing out of the ring.
Zoran Sainovic: GET OVER HERE!
Again channelling the spirit of Mortal Kombatâs Scorpion as he did to Steve Awesome in REIGN, Sainovic tosses a kunai rope dart at El Rey â catching him in the right shoulder. El Rey lets out a whimper, as the ancient beast yanks him back into the ring. With each pull, Rey is dragged closer â he tries to hop along with the motion, to avoid standing on his injured foot â but an especially hard pull forces him onto both in order to catch his balance. Blood gushes out. Back on one foot, El Rey cradles his other in agony â at least for the second before Zoran pulls him into a swinging exploder suplex.
Magnus: SICKLE CLUTCH! AND THEREâS THE COVER! ONE! TWO! Rey is unconscious but Blind Stubbs pointing out that the champ is in the ropes.
Scowling, Zoran loops the slack of the rope around the dangle foot, yanking it back for an almost hogtied cover.
Magnus: Challenger pulling off the leg, and thereâs a second pin â ONE! TWO! This time Rey with the presence of mind to kickout, and is trying to crawl away-
Still on top of him, Zoran uses the rope to keep El Rey from scurrying off, and reaches down, again looking for The Conditionizer. Only for the frantic El Rey to instinctively pull him into an inside cradle!
Magnus: Champ with an inside cradle! ONE! El Rey lets go â he isnât trying to pull the Final Boss towards him, heâs trying to escape.
Grabbing the bottom rope, El Rey pulls himself out of the ring with the speed of a champion. The safety of the outside momentarily brings back that big grin, until he remembers he still has a kunai sticking out of his arm â and Zoran is fishing him back in with the attached rope. With one foot, Rey tries to run away â only to slip in a puddle of blood dripping from his other boot, sending him crashing to the floor.
Blind Sonny Stubbs: ONE!
A count out! Thatâs the ticket. El Rey takes a breather on the floor, for half a second before the rope starts pulling tight again and dragging him back up towards the ring.
Blind Sonny Stubbs: TWO!
Magnus: El Rey struggling, but getting reeled in quickly â itâs like watching Sega Bass Rally!
Blind Sonny Stubbs: THREE!
El Rey kicks blindly as Zoran Sainovic reaches over the rope to grab the slippery prize. Twisting Rey around, Zoran is clipped with an accidental shining wizard the force of which frees the kunai from El Reyâs shoulder, letting the champion fall on the ring apron.
Blind Sonny Stubbs: FOUR!
Happy to take the ten count, El Rey makes sure not to re-enter the ring â instead using the ropes to pull himself up. Inside, Zoran is also ready to go back on the attack, pulling a sickle out of his suit. Zoran charges at the ropes with sickle in hand, narrowly missing the championâs neck as he dives off the apron with one foot-
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And lands with one foot on the nearest guardrail.
Itâs an impressive athletic feat worthy of the X*Crown champion. Only it's incredibly hard to balance yourself on a narrow guardrail with one foot â and El Rey soon tumbles forwards. None of the audience catch him, so he lands face first on the concrete.
Blind Sonny Stubbs: FIVE!
There is a cut over the ridge of his nose from where he landed, but hearing that stupid referee get higher in the ten count brings a big smile to the championâs face. Heâs surviving again!
El Rey: AND THATâS HOW WE DO IT!
Blind Sonny Stubbs: ONE!
El Rey: ONE? WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO SI- ugh.
Zoran Sainovic has followed El Rey to the outside, resetting the ten count. As the monster approaches him, the champion starts to madly crawl away, further into the audience.
Magnus: El Rey desperately trying to escape, but the challenger is hot on his trail. It remains to be seen if he can get far enough from the ring to survive another defense.
El Rey starts hopping again, but he was making better time crawling. Desperately clawing at anything he can to slow Zoranâs pursuit, El Rey throws hot dogs, and popcorn, and chairs, and fans down the stairs in an effort to build up a barricade. Zoran just sidesteps and walks over the broken bodies.
Blind Sonny Stubbs: TWO!
El Rey launches Bridget the Midget like a projectile dart.
Blind Sonny Stubbs: THREE!
But Zoran ducks under her.
Magnus: Itâs turned into a Fanâs Bring the Weapons match â but all they have are rotten eggs!
Past the point of caring, El Rey grabs an egg that looks like Venom from a little girl that doesnât look much better â and hurls it at the unstoppable beast. It shatters on Zoranâs Armani suit. Itâs at that moment that Rey realizes he might make the situation worse by pissing Zoran off.
Magnus: That is not coming out-
Steve Awesome: What? Oh, the match â yeah, he didnât buy that at Brooks Brothers.
Grabbing an egg of his own, Sainovic playfully whips it into El Reyâs foot â possibly hoping to create an infection worthy of a Dylan Black leg. Beyond the foul substance dripping into his open wound, the actual impact rocks the knife enough for El Rey to yelp.
Blind Sonny Stubbs: FOUR!
Amused by El Reyâs pain, Zoran ignores the refereeâs ten count, instead grabbing another egg to hit the knifed foot with. Goldbear shatters on impact.
Blind Sonny Stubbs: FIVE!
Magnus: He seems more caught up in torturing Rey than getting the action back to the ring!
Nelly Angel! Redmond Fury! Nelly Angel! Cerebus! James Mueller! JFK! Goldbear II! Nelly Angel! LA Wombat! Mecha Goldbear III! Thatâs got to hurt! Nelly Angel! GUNS superstar looking egg after GUNS superstar looking egg, shattering against El Reyâs raw nerve!
El Rey: WILL YOU STOP THAT!
Nelly Angel with a twist!
El Rey: NOOOOO!
Blind Sonny Stubbs: SIX!
El Rey pulls Amy Fisher in front of him as a human shield. The irony is lost on her.
Zoran Sainovic: GET OVER HERE!
Not the kunai again! Is what El Rey wants to say, but itâs dug into his shoulder a second time, before he has a chance. A quick tug yanks him away from the Long Island Lolita.
Blind Sonny Stubbs: SEVEN!
The Final Boss pulls El Rey into a murderous head-butt which knocks the kunai free.
Blind Sonny Stubbs: EIGHT!
Zoran starts to pull out his sickle, only for El Rey to block it with a steel chair. The two still on the steps, but Rey a rung higher gives him the drop. Hopping madly on one foot, El Rey brings the chair down on Zoranâs skull again and again. Some of the shots are harder than one normally expects out of the champion, just based on him staying upright by trying to repeatedly brain the challenger. Like any bully, when you stand up to them, hit them over the skull with a blunt object a good twenty times, Zoran starts to get weak in the knees.
Blind Sonny Stubbs: NINE!
Winding up one last strike, El Rey catches Sainovic on the side of the head, knocking The Final Boss to his knees.
El Rey: Thatâs right! Thatâs right! YOU JUST GOT BEAT BY A ONE LEGGED MAN IN AN ASS KICKING CONTEST! NOW CAN I GET MY TEN COUNT!
El Rey points at Blind Sonny Stubbs as he hollers this request.
El Rey: Weâre like sixty feet from the ring, just say ten and make it official.
Blind Sonny Stubbs waits patiently by the ropes for a sign.
El Rey: COME ON MAN!
The Final Boss turns to the referee with blood in his eyes.
Zoran Sainovic: Sorry to keep you waiting, weâll be right zere.
El Rey: WHAaaa-
Grabbing the knife handle, blade still firmly lodged in El Reyâs foot â Zoran stands up, using the weapon to drag the whimpering champion down the stairs by his gore soaked leg.
El Rey: Thatâs not fair! I survived! Double Countout! Come on! PLEAS-
The back of El Reyâs head bounces off every concrete step on the way down, after the eleventh potential concussion he blacks out.
Magnus: We really need to get better referees.
Tom Phillips: Do you know any refereeâs that are willing to piss HIM off?
Magnus: Itâs still not fair.
Zoran tosses El Rey over the guardrail so that he lands face first at ringside. Still holding onto the knife, The Final Boss drags El Rey straight into the ring.
Tom Phillips: They beat the ten count!
Magnus: Oh come on!
Reaching into his breast pocket, Zoran removes some smelling salts â which he administers to El Rey.
Tom Phillips: He wants the champion to be awake for this, what a cruel bastard.
Magnus: You know heâll probably watch the replay.
Tom Phillips: YOU HAVE TO ADMIRE THE FINAL BOSS.
The minute El Rey opens his eyes, Sainovic slaps on a variation of The Interrogation â02.
Blind Sonny Stubbs: Do you give up?
El Rey: YES, but not in a way that affects the outcome of this match.
Smiling sardonically, Zoran pulls back so hard on the choke that El Rey passes out.
Blind Sonny Stubbs: Do you-
The referee starts to raise El Reyâs limp arm. Having clearly knocked out his opponent, Zoran throws him to the canvas. Raising his arms in victory. Stubbs informs the challenger that the match isnât over yet, which infuriates Zoran.
Magnus: If Zoran keeps arguing like this, Stubbs might have no choice but to disqualify him.
Steve Awesome: Wait, Zoran where?!
Tom Phillips: In the ring-
Steve Awesome: What match is this?
Magnus: The X*Crown match with Rey defending against Sainovic... youâve literally been sitting here the entire time.
Steve Awesome: I thought this was the undercard! So wait, Zoranâs in trouble?
Tom Phillips: Well heâs about to gut the ref-
Steve Awesome: I have to help him!
*BUMP*
As Zoran and Stubbs continue to argue over the unconscious El Rey, Steve Awesome charges into the ring.
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
Magnus: AWESOME FROM BEHIND HITS ZORAN WITH THE STEVEKO!!!!!
The audience loses their shit. Also the plot to Shit Storm IV.
Magnus: AND A SECOND ONE! AND A THIRD! AWESOME ON FIRE!
Even though Zoran is unconscious, Steve gestures to Stubbs to wait a second, and quickly goes up top-
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
Magnus: WRATH OF THE DRAGON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yeah, Zoran isnât getting up.
Tom Phillips: Steve is a lot braver than I thought.
Magnus: Heâs the hero we need.
Everyone is feeling good about Steve finally using something other than an inside package on Zoran, when something strange happens. He shakes Stubbsâ hand.
Steve Awesome: I hope this goes a small way towards repairing bridges over our little misunderstanding, champ.
Leaving Stubbs as confused as everyone else, Steve Awesome leaves the ring and returns to the announcerâs booth.
Steve Awesome: Sorry guys but it had to be done.
Magnus: Youâre sure you donât want to run to the airport?
Steve Awesome: Nah, for the first time in months I feel like I donât need to look over my shoulder. If Zoran had assaulted that referee it would have cost him the match- so I assaulted the referee for him.
Tom Phillips: Wait âwhat?
Magnus: Steve.
Steve Awesome: Whatâs wrong fellas?
Tom Phillips: You think the ref is Zoran?
Magnus: Steve, you canât tell the difference between two middle aged men, and probably just cost Zoran the X*Crown.
As this exchange occurs, a concussed El Rey starts to struggle up to his feet â only his brain is so battered he forgets about his knife foot, and slips backwards on top of Zoran.
Steve Awesome: Iâve made a terrible mistake.
ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
*BUMP*
Magnus: Steve leaving the announcerâs table desperate to break that pin-
TWO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Tom Phillips: Heâs under the ropes-
THREE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Steve Awesome: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
The audience cheer, before realizing that an El Rey win has just doomed Steve Awesome. A solemn hush falls over the crowd.
DING! DING! DING!
The ring bell finally wakes Zoran, just in time for the final boss to hear...
Trix Rabbit: The winner of this match as the result of a pinfall - thanks to that swell wrestler and acclaimed star of film, Steve Awesome-
AND STILL X*CROWN CHAMPION-
EL REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEY!
Tom Phillips: I donât believe it! El Rey finally managed to defend with a relatively clean win. Sucks about Steve though. I was really looking forwards to watching Anal Retentive Driving School 3... but I guess his death will put it in production hell.
Zoran Sainovic sits upright.
Magnus: RUN STEVE!
Steve Awesome is already gone.
Magnus: What am I saying? RUN EVERYONE!
The audience pelt the ring with rotten eggs. A thousand Nelly Angels exploding in unison. Feeling confident, that if Steve Awesome can stand up for himself, so can they.
Magnus: No you fools, heâll kill us all-
Zoran Sainovic calmly collects his sickle, because that is exactly how that shit is going down. Wanting the thousands in attendance to die first, like some Final Destination order of death, Venom drags his son into a wheelbarrow â pushing the concussed king out quickly.
Magnus: Donât you understand? Weâre already dead!
The eggs continue to fly, as Zoranâs eyes fix on Magnus. The XHF owner throws himself on Venomâs wheelbarrow, forcing the legend to push him and Rey out.
Magnus: Happy Easter!
Phillips: He has risen!
Magnus: And by âheâ Tom means Zoran! The once dead X*Crown Champion and is back to take the X*Crown Championship.
Phillips: But first JFK has something qued up.
Magnus: What? I didnât approve anything.
Phillips: Well, he is the owner.
We cut to the backstage area where we can see Spike Kane and PRICE walking down a corridor talking to each other, the conversation is fairly muted more like theyâre just shooting the shit than anything else, when suddenly a circle of fire appears in front of the pair of them who walk right through it without realising before stopping to realise they are in JFKâs office.
JFK: Oh that worked perfectly.
Spike: What the absolute fuck!?
JFK is sat behind his very large desk with two angry looking men on the opposite side who now turn to look at Spike and PRICE, who has began to walk towards JFKâs drinks cabinet and is opening the bottles one by one to give them a sniff test.
JFK: These two fine young gentlemen are after a match for tonightâs show! You know how I like to cause problems for Magnus, seeing as he sent them here, I figured Iâd find a perfect match for them.
PRICE picks up a fancy bottle of rum and takes a sniff, pleasantly surprised by the results.
PRICE: What makes you think weâre this âteamâ youâre looking for?
The two men angling for a match step forward a little aggressively towards PRICE, which causes Spike to smirk.
Andy: Weâll take you on in any match.
Gus: Yeah, weâre the best tag team in the world!
PRICE: Any match type?
Andy: Any!
Spike: Any?
Gus: Any you deaf fuck!
Now PRICE smirks, and behind this tag team so does JFK.
Spike: Weâll see you out there then, hardcore rules, nice and simpleâŠ.
The team of Andy Shelby and Gus Shavin barge past Spike and PRICE who just smirk at each other.
Spike: You know theyâre fucked right?
He says as he turns to face JFK.
JFK: Oh I know, I just like reminding people whoâs in charge, throw in a little chaos.
Spike and PRICE smirk at each other once more.
PRICE: Bet.
The two begin to turn and walk out of JFKâs office.
Spike: Did they look familiar to you?
PRICE: Was that Trent Helms?
Spike: âŠand Bob Pooler?
We cut back to ringside.
Magnus: He booked my tag team against them?
Phillips: It seems so, and itâs going to happen live tonight.
Magnus: This one match special just turned into a full on show. Jesse Jamester missed the last show due to visa issues coming from Canada.
Phillips: But heâs here tonight and heâs on his way out for here.
Magnus: Excited to see what heâs got for us.
â« âYou are wrong, fucked, and overrated
I think I'm gonna be sick and it's your fault
This is the end of everything
You are the end of everythingâ â«
The GUNS Arena lights up with red strobe lights as the screen shows black scales cross in front of the camera, before an eye is seen. Zooming out the tron shows the face of Jesse Jamester, before spinning into a James Bond spiral that begins a series of greatest hits from the Murder Lizardâs wrestling career.
Out walks Jesse Jamester, dawning black and white attire with a black shoulder cut off vest with âM.F.K.â on the right chest and the back has the skull of a lizard wrapped in barbed wire with arcing font that reads âMurder Lizard INCâ over it, and âThe Departedâ underneath.
Phillips: He tore Greg Adkins a new one last show. What does tonight hold for this monster?
Magnus: These fans know this manâs history, but what they are showing tonight is not respect, itâs a mixed reaction for the former King of Violence.
Phillips: HE SAID IT - NOT me!
Finally to the ring, Jesse pulls a microphone out of his vest jacket as the heavy metal theme music fades out. Fans gave him a mixed reaction, showing that the once popular star of a former promotion now had lost some of his following.
Jesse Jamester: Mhhhhmmm⊠Where do I start eh? Maybe I point out the fact that not a soul in that locker room had the balls to step up and challenge me tonight. Maybe I will tell you about the woes of a prominent Canadian promoter who cashed in all his chips and let a legacy die, eh. (pauses) Or maybeâ I just take out my annoyance with the lack of competition around here, and take it out on the XHF XCrown championship match later and leave them all bloodied and battered!
Fans boo the sentiment of the Murder Lizard, who dawns a new look tonight. His attitude showing in his swagger, a jaded veteran who obviously had some heavy items on his plate at the moment.
Jesse Jamester: What? You donât want the rumor mill B-S you all clamor to your keyboards about as soon as you get home? Oh woe is the wrestling fans of GUNS, who have a champion who looks a lot like my next rug. (grins) You know, maybe itâs the fact that trash like Greg Adkins get a contract to pretend to be something they arenât, that really pisses me off. While I slave my blood, flesh, and hide just to get your respect⊠patheticâ
The microphone cuts out as we hear another voice.
âThis is just sad.â snarled a voice suddenly, and from the back flanked as always by Sinclair Godfrey stepped Donzig. His long leather coat swirled around him as he stared at the ring from beneath his hood, light gleaming off his mask as he stared at the ring. A hand lifted, shoving the hood back as he lifted a hand to wave absently.
Phillips: Is that...Donzig?
Magnus: Unfortunately, yes.
Phillips: Didn't you ban him.
Magnus: Yes. I don't like people who want to work everywhere.
Phillips: Looks like you left the back door open.
Donzig: You think these people care about you? You think they give two fucks about you? And you think these boys in the back give a shit? None of them could spare the time to walk down to even face the Canadian Nightmare in a match?
Donzig shook his head, pacing back and forth before he waved a hand at the ring. The scourge had something to say, and it would not wait any longer.
Donzig: Youâre nothing to them, a traitor, a fucking turncoat! They look at you with contempt, like they are better then you! Even these rabbleâ
Donzig stared at the fans, then shrugged before looking back at the ring.
Donzig: No one cares about you, Murder Lizard. No one believes in you! Youâre irrelevant! Youâre just a freak, a monster like me!
A pause, and Donzig stared.
Donzig: But you and I? We have unfinished business donât we, Jesse. And it is time you pay what you owe! You want a goddamned match?
The fans perked up, and Donzig lifted a hand to tear off his mask. He handed it to Sinclair, and his dead eyes narrowed on the ring as he lifted a hand to rake at his beard. Then he pointed a crooked finger at the ring, snarling.
Donzig: Mormo! Moloch! Give this piece of shit a match!
The fans booed, and the Oblivion Death Squad stormed from the back. They glared at the ring, rolling their broad shoulders as the foot soldiers of Donzig-gun headed for the ring. Donzig laughed, smirking as he looked on with a nod to Sinclair.
And she followed after the pair as he stood on the ramp, staring at Jesse who was welcoming the challenge as the Oblivion Death Squad made their way to the ring. A referee rushes down the aisle and heads around the ring to get to the timekeeper, informing him itâs official.
Two on One Match
30-Minute Time Limit
Oblivion Death Squad (Moloch and Mormo w/Sinclair Godfrey) vs âMurder Lizardâ Jesse Jamester
The Oblivion Death Squad hit the ring with a mission, both take to opposite sides of the ring, splitting Jesseâs attention. Mormo slides in behind the Murder Lizard as Moloch gets on the apron to cause a distraction, baiting the target. The smaller of the two, Moloch eats a knee from a charging JJ for his efforts. The move sends Moloch off the apron but he recovers nicely by landing on his feet.
SMASH!
From behind Mormo, the three-hundred-thirty pound mac truck of a human, blasts Jesse with a full kitchen sink assault! JJ hits the middle ropes with his chest and is immediately ganged up on. Mormo sits on his back and pulls Jesseâs arms back, while Moloch slugs the Murder Lizard with massive bear paw strikes to the face. The Oblivion Death Squad were quick to get the jump on Jesse, controlling the narrative from the start.
Magnus: No matter how much talent is in that ring, they arenât good enough to be the GUNS Champ. I said what I said.
Phillips: Bold assumption that they would only try and beat it Magnus. Between them all, theyâd be having a mounted bear head on a pole match by the time they got done with him.
Magnus: Do not besmirch our humble, honorable, most grizzly of the Great Grizzles! You hear me Philis!
Finally the bell rings. The referee orders Moloch on the outside to the apron. Mormo turns to the referee with a confused look, before yelling at him to shut the hell up. Getting off the back of JJ, Mormo runs the distance of the ring, bouncing off the opposite ropes and rushing towards Jesse who was still leaning on the ropes. Leaving his feet (but barely), Mormo aims to put all his weight on the mid-back of the Murder Lizard!
Phillips: And a miss! Jesse finds an opening.
Magnus: For a man who has sacrificed his flesh and blood for this business so often, I thought he would be uglier.
Phillips: Do you want me to get his number for you?
Magnus: Already got it, bissssh.
Mormo had hit the ropes awkwardly and was now laying in the ring with his feet on the second rope. Jesse drops a high knee on the unsuspecting Mormoâs forehead. The crowd cheers, seeing the Donzig-Gun group get what they deserved. There was a blood thirst feeling in the crowd, as they watched on, much like Donzig did from the stage.
Magnus: Ten bucks Donzig gets involved?
Phillips: Suckers bet, we knew that from the get go.
Magnus: Youâre just broke, huh?
Lifting Magnus up to his feet, JJ shoves his head down so itâs facing the canvas. Tuck and pull, PILEDRIVER! The head of Mormo bounces off the canvas and like a board he stands straight up before falling flat on his back. Sitting up JJ surveys the left side of the ring, turning to the right â Moloch with a running knee to the side of his face!
Phillips: Road Lizard, coming right up.
Magnus: Nobody wants to disappoint Donzig. Like really, who wants to have to deal with that guy?
Phillips: Not me, hard pass.
Moloch and Mormo both converge on Jesse Jamester as Sinclair Godfrey yells orders from ringside, smashing the apron with her hand and pointing to the Oblivion Death Squad to do what they are told. Moloch sends JJ into the ropes as Mormo runs horizontally to the ropes in front of Moloch. Clipper in the thigh, JJ takes out Moloch and he trips into Mormo, causing the two to clumsily fall over one another.
Magnus: Misdirection by the Murder Lizard!
Phillips: Serves them right for the double team.
Magnus: This man was a final three in the 2021 XHF Rumble, donât disrespect him like that.
Jesse lifts up Mormo and with a spin of the arm heaves him towards a rising Moloch â KAPOOOW! Head to head! Oblivion Death Squad split their noggins, sending Mormo backwards into Jesseâs clutches. Moloch goes under the middle rope as he falters backwards from the headbutte of his partner! Clanging to the middle rope but his fingers donât quite have the grip, and Moloch hits the ground! Mormo inside the ring is being treated to a vicious bridging German suplex by the Murder Lizard! Jesse goes for the bridge pin, not letting go after driving Mormo neck first into the canvas!
1!
2!
3â
THE REFEREE IS PULLED OUT OF THE RING!
Sinclair Godfrey rips the refereeâs pants nearly as she drags him under the bottom rope and onto the floor next to Moloch. A swift kick to the head and we know she doesnât care about the stat sheet, she was aiming to finish the orders given by Donzig â any way she sought fit.
Donzig stands on top of the ramp, arms crossed as he nods and watches on. The minions of Donzig-Gun were faithful servants of the cause, never wavering in their effectiveness to get to his targets. The history of Jesse Jamester and Donzig spanned nearly 6 months back. This was not some cup of tea decision for Donzig, oh no, revenge was only half of the equation. Donzig had stunned Jesse after his title defense in their former promotion back in December 2021. Ever since, Donzig has been waiting to cash in his chance â but the True Last King of the North, had never had his chance to fight Donzig since the promotion closed in February 2022.
So tonight, at GUNS â it was payback. Bitter sweet for the returning star, Jamester. The fans were noticing the changes but they had not seen him in some time. Donzig would surely find taking him out tonight as an advantage heading into the XHF Rumble this year.
Tried and true, the Murder Lizard had found his feet and was being confronted by Sinclair Godfrey, who now weilded a steel chair. Swinging at the masked maniac, Sinclair connects on the right shoulder, as Jesse turns his head to absorb most of the shot. Staggering backwards a step, he shakes it off and turns upright - staring directly at Sinclair!
SWING AGAIN!
COUNTER!
Jesse swipes the chair out of her hands before grabbing the neck of Sinclair Godfrey! Looking for a chokeslam, he lifts Sinclair off her feet as she chops at his arm trying to escape his grasp! Smashed from behind by Mormo! Jesse releases his grip and drops Sinclair, to which she immediately yells at the Oblivion Death Squad to take care of business. Moloch rolls in the ring and is provided a chair by Sinclair as Mormo continues a beat down with heavy knees to the midsection and ribs of the Murder Lizard. Moloch nods to Mormo, who takes the arms of Jesse and outstretches them as Moloch swings the chair across his back with ferocious force! Dropping to one knee, Jesse grunts from the shot as his body absorbs it fully, reddening a bit on the lower back.
Phillips: This is about to get ugly.
Magnus: Where have you been?
Phillips: Mostly ignoring you.
The referee has lost control and the bell is sounded as he throws out the match, calling it on account of disqualification. Anyone who wasnât living under a rock knew this was never about winning a match, no, Donzig wanted to make an example of the Murder Lizard - and the Oblivion Death Squad were doing just that. Mormo lifts Jesse back to his feet and pries his arms as Moloch swings again at the lower back area â CRAAAACK!
Magnus: Moloch inadvertently smashes his partner with the chair!
Phillips: Jesse shifted his position and Mormo took all of it to the cranium⊠Ouch thatâs going to leave a mark.
Magnus: How is it that the Murder Lizards always finds a way out of these situations? That lizard has infinite lives, I swear!
Phillips: Isnât it lizards that can lose their tail and grow it back?
Before Magnus can respond Jesse side steps Molochâs swinging attack with the steel chair, to which Jesse now stands in front of Sinclair Godfrey. Moloch raises the chair back and swings with everything he has, to no avail, Jesse dodges left and Sinclairâs eyes light up as big as oranges â saved! Moloch is aware enough that he stops mid-swing as Sinclair shakes her head at his near fatal mistake. From behind though this party is quickly interrupted as JJ dropkicks Moloch in the back! Bumping into Sinclair, Moloch tosses the chair just in time but ends up sending Godfrey tumbling over the middle rope and to the outside. Jesse is quick to get to his feet, stalking Moloch from behind as he points to Donzig on the stage - nodding to him as his thumb goes up and crosses his throat in a cutting motion.
Phillips: THE VIOLENT GRAVE!
Magnus: The what?! Is that some sorta nickname for his hand gesture?
Phillips: No, the move you â nevermind. (sighs)
Lifting Moloch upside down with Molochâs knees where Jesseâs face is, Molochâs head between Jesseâs thighs; the Murder Lizard plunges to his knees and spikes Moloch on his head with a devastating piledriver that shakes the ring!
Donzigâs body language says it all, frustration and irritation as JJ clears the ring of the Oblivion Death Squad. Sinclair waves off the team and the ring as she heads up the ramp towards Donzig shaking her head with a scowl on her face.
Moloch and Mormo are both dazed and confused as Jesse stands on in the center of the ring gesturing for Donzig to come down to the ring.
Jesse Jamester: Is that all you got?! Come down here so I can finish what you started!
Donzig stares on in the direction of JJ, though his mask prevents us from seeing what his facial expression is; one could guess it was not smiling, no, his plan had fallen apart. Tonight was not the Scourgeâs night to skin the lizard for a new pair of boots.
[Scene fades to a commercial break just before the camera zooms in on Donzigâs menacing mask fills television sets all over the world.]
The following advertisement is paid and sponsored by Snickers.
SNICKERS!
You're not the same when you're hungry.
Have a Snickers!
Don't be a Bear!
(the voice Gulps audibly)
Goldbear II is seen eating a massive pile of snickers. Letting out a massive bear roar with chocolate all over his lips and on his teeth. Nobody told Goldbear II what to do, this was barely a commercial and more of a holdup from the GUNS star.
At ringside some generic rock music begins to play as the two men we saw in JFKâs office earlier begin to make their way to the ring.
Phillips: Who in the blue hell are these guys!?
Magnus: These are an up and coming tag team Tom! Two guys who are going to make their debut as a team tonight and set the world on fire!
Phillips: Yeah but who are they?
Magnus: Andy Shelby and Gus Shavin! The Driving Town Pew Pewâs!
The two pose on the ramp as they make their way down to the ring, before rolling inside and posing inside too, to a fairly muted reaction. Some fans can be seen in the crowd starting to get up and head to the facilities when suddenly, the lights go out as guitar feedback is heard before becoming a riff, smoke filling up the stage.
âCHAOS! CHAOS! CHAOS! CHAOS!
CHAOS! CHAOS! CHAOS! CHAOS!â
Strobe lights begin to flash wildly as Spike Kane and PRICE step through the smoke.
âBombs dropping on the runway, the oceans overflow
I know for certain, one day I'll see you down below
I'll find some solace someday, and you'll reap what you sow
I'll see you Bloody Sunday (so you can break my soul)â
The two men begin to slowly make their way down the ramp, taking in the pop from the crowd and their opponents in the ring.
âNo one can save you, no one can save you
The chaos awaits you!â
When they reach the ring they split up and each pick a side, before climbing up onto the ring apron and up onto the turnbuckle.
âI can't see tomorrow 'cause I might die today
I sing this sorrow with a smile on my face
Oh-oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh-oh-oh
I can't see tomorrow, are we dead or alive?
When the blind lead the blind in theâ
The lights begin to flash wildly again as both men climb down off the turnbuckle and meet in the middle crossing their arms into an X across their chests and bumping fists together as they do.
âCHAOS! CHAOS! CHAOS! CHAOS!
The blind lead the blind in the-
CHAOS! CHAOS! CHAOS! CHAOS!
CHAOS! CHAOS! CHAOS! CHAOS!â
The music fades as the lights return to normal, and both teams begin to strategise.
Magnus: Well fuck.
Phillips: What?
Magnus: I mean, erm, this has to be a great moment for GUNS and the Gun Show.
Phillips: CHAOS THEORY ARE HERE!!!!!
Magnus: Wait, you knew their name?
Phillips: JFK gave me a cheat sheetâŠ
The bell rings and as The Driving Town Pew Pewâs discuss who is going to go first both Spike and PRICE roll out of the ring. Spike lifts up the ring apron and makes a gesture of letting PRICE have first dibs. PRICE pulls out a kendo stick, and Spike reaches in for a steel chair. Andy and Gus are shouting at the referee, but he simply shrugs and says âItâs hardcore rules.â
Randy: They donât fuck about do they?
Magnus: ... .no.
Randy: Whatâs wrong?
Magnus: I was hoping these guys could kickstart the tag team division.
Randy: Welp, they have! JustâŠnot in the way you wanted.
Tag Team Match
Hardcore Rules
The Driving Town Pew Pewâs vs Chaos Theory
As Andy takes the initiative, he sprints across the ring and runs up the turnbuckle, diving off of the top with an insane running moonsault, however midway through the air both Spike and PRICE just at each other and step to the side. Andy Shelby slams into the floor as Chaos Theory avoid him with ease. PRICE nods to Spike, then to the man on the floor, before turning to face Gus, Spike nods back and begins to position the chair in a seated position, while PRICE rolls back into the ring.
Magnus: We should probably get some medics on standby, I hope he included that in his budget for the show!
Randy: Itâs ok!!! *loud burp* Iâm first laid trained!
Magnus: Do you mean âfirst aidâ?
Randy: No, I actually meant Thirst Aid, but I am also the first to get laid.
Gus hopes through the ropes from his corner as he sees PRICE coming towards him, he launches himself for a diving lariat, but as if he was playing baseball PRICE takes a step to the side and absolutely clocks Shavin right in the face, causing him to crumple in a heap. On the outside, Spike has set the chair up and now has Shelby on his feet, he lifts him into the air and turns around stalling before dropping Andy Shelby head first into the chair on the outside with the Spike Impailer!
Magnus: Oh my god heâs dead.
Randy: I hope these dudes are insured!
Magnus: OH MY GOD.
PRICE reaches down with his kendo stick and puts it under the throat of Gus Shavin before putting his boot on his back and pulling hard on the kendo stick. Shavin flails wildly trying to reach for the ropes. He almost does before Spike Kane from the outside slaps his hands away. With a feat of strength PRICE then lifts Shavin up to his feet, still holding the kendo stick he hits a devastating PRICE CRASH!
Randy: These two are kinda like thugs. I like it.
Magnus: Donât let them hear you.
Randy: Why?
Magnus: Theyâll kill you! Spike already hates you!
Randy: Naaaaah, he put me through a table weâre good now.
Magnus: I know he did! I HAD TO SEE NAKED SPIKE RIGHT IN FRONT OF MY EYES!
Spike slides into the ring and begins to stalk the almost lifeless form of Shavin, but heâs barely moving. PRICE mouths to Spike âI think I killed him!â So Spike rises to his feet, and instead puts the tip of his boot under the jaw of Shavin and slowly lifts it, lifting Gus up to his feet before he instantly spins and connects with the BLOODY SUNDAY! At the same time PRICE grabs him again for the PRICE CRASH!
Randy: ALPHA AND OMEGA!!!!
Magnus: What does that even mean?
Randy: *checking his sheet* itâs their tag team finishing move!
Shavin is out cold, and Andy hasnât gotten up from the outside. Spike and PRICE look to the ref, as they donât actually know who is the legal man. They shrug and instead both put a foot on the lifeless corpse of Gus Shavin folding their arms as they do, the referee shrugs and counts with both hands. ONE! âŠâŠTWO! âŠâŠ..THREE!!!
Winners: Chaos Theory
Randy: Chaos Theory pick up their first win in their debut as a team in the Network Era!
Magnus: It was a case of some brutal efficiency tonight. I hope the Driving Town Pew Pewâs are okay!
âCHAOS! CHAOS! CHAOS! CHAOS!â
The Hollywood Undead song âChaosâ kicks back in as the referee declares them the winner.
PRICE paces around the ring demanding a mic and is finally handed one he hits his own head with it a few times to make sure it's on.
PRICE: "Cut our fucking music. It's time for a little bit of a history lesion with your favorite uncle PRICE."
Spike cleans out the ring kicking and rolling The Driving Town Pew Pewâs out of the ring then posts up in the corner.
PRICE: "About a dozen or so years ago I first stepped foot into what it was known then, before it became a network, the XHF. The Xtreme Hardcore Federation."
GUNS fans pop for their spiritual ancestor.
PRICE: "Needless to say I didn't make many friends when I came in, if anything I left bodies in my wake. But there was one man, ONE MAN that was brave enough, crazy enough, to approach me, to extend an olive branch. Because he saw then what took me a while to learn myself, that we were kindred spirits, men cut from the same cloth. Born and raised in the forge of violence.
We even briefly teamed up. Made a little bit of noise but then ego's got in the way, big time. He viewed me as his prodigy and I wanted to be view as his peer. Well push came to shove, and I had to beat the lesion into him but he eventually got it.
PRICE: But those of you that know our history know all that, you know about the wars me and Spike Kane here fought in the middle of this ring, the violence and destruction we unleashed on each other. What you don't know, or didn't see is the hours of travel we spent in cars bus's and airplanes. The bond we formed over violence and destruction. This man became more than just my most bitter rival, he became more than just a co worker or buddie, this man became la Familia, a brother in arms.
When the XHF closed our paths took us different directions, I chose to retire, he kept going to become one of if not the biggest start the XHF has ever produced.
Fast forward a few years, with our issues long gone between us we find ourselves in the same place at the same time once more.
But this time, ego's wont get in the way, pride will not cause us to implode, we are much older, wiser, and a hell of a lot more violent than we've ever been.
And that's bad news for any...and I do mean ANY tag team on the XHF Network.
The Alpha and Omega of the XHF, it's beginning and it's end, are together one more time, the Godfathers of Violence have set their sites on ALL the tag team gold.
And there ain't a damn thing anyone can do to stop the Chaos Theory.
I have spoken."
He goes to offer the mic to Spike.
Spike: Consider you cunts on notice.
"Chaos" by Hollywood Undead hits the speakers again as Spike drops the mic, and both PRICE and Spike stare down the camera.
Tom Phillips: This is shaping up to be an event to remember!
Magnus: Donât remind me, Tom. I signed this match under false pretenses. I was so overjoyed that my husband was still alive that I didnât realize it was Zoran in racially insensitive make-up. Iâd never feed Rey to that monster otherwise.
Tom Phillips: The defense has attracted a capacity crowd â a lot of celebrities in the audience for this toast of the wrestling world. Iâd say we were putting Wrestlemania to shame for sheer star power.
Magnus: Speaking of which, we have Wrestlemania 14âs Gennifer Flowers as a broadcast colleague tonight. What's it like mixing with the animals, Gennifer?
The camera cuts to the crowd, where Gennifer Flowers stands out in a shining silver dress â kind of tacky but way too nice for the venue.
Gennifer Flowers: Thatâs right, Magnus! Tense town has come out in full force to see this crown fight. Letâs see if I can get a word with a few of them- WOW â Willie Ames, the original Bibleman! For Bibleman to be at the GUNS arena on Easter no less, you know there is something in the air.
Willie Aames: Well itâs a great story of personal responsibility, and standing up to evil regardless of the consequences.
Gennifer Flowers: So is it safe to say youâre on team Rey?
Willie Aames: Lord no â Zoran is going to kill him.
Gennifer Flowers: Wow! It seems even Bibleman doesnât have faith in El Rey. Thanks Willie â and over here we have, Captain Keith Colburn from Discovery Channelâs Deadliest Catch. Thoughts on the match, Cap?
Captain Keith: When youâre traversing the widow maker that is the Bering Sea, you know that each haul could be your last. El Rey has put his crown on the line one too many times, and the cord is about to snap.
Gennifer Flowers: Keith spends a lot of time around fish and death, and says they both smell better than El Reyâs chances. Many of the stars feel that Zoran Sainovic will beat El Rey to an emasculating degree â and speaking of which, who are you here to support, John Wayne Bobbitt?
John Wayne Bobbitt: Anyone who doubts Sainovic is walking out with the crown has clearly lost their head.
Gennifer Flowers: Iâm sure we have someone here willing to show El Rey some love?
Bridget the Midget: Is this a bit? Do you know anything about wrestling, Gennifer?
Spencer Pratt: El Rey win? (laughing like a jackass) Youâre too funny, Gennifer!
Darcey Silva: Well I for one think Ray is going to come out on top.
Gennifer Flowers: There you have it Magnus, 90-Day FiancĂ©eâs Darcey Silva thinks El Rey will retain â and she knows something about picking winners! The mind breaking thought of the champion retaining is making these celebrities angry, however, so Iâm going to send it back to you.
Back at the announce position, Tom regrets that no Teen Moms appeared amongst the reality stars.
Tom Phillips: Thanks Gennifer! Now Magnus, have you done anything to incorporate the Easter theme into the night?
Magnus: If weâd done it on Good Friday, it would have been a crucifixion match â but Mongo is already after my giblets over the Byrd appearance, so we thought today would be more respectful. Each member of the audience has been given a commemorative Easter egg painted like their favourite GUNS stars.
Tom Phillips: You gave the audience eggs? Well I canât see how that will come back to haunt-
#SMACK#
An Easter Egg with a crude Rob Arnold image scribbled on it catches Tom between the eyes.
Tom Phillips: Argh. Iâve got shell in my eyes!
Magnus: Poor Tom, if only you were a respected pillar of the community like myse-
#SMACK#
A Ken in the Box Easter Egg hits Magnus in the back of the head. This hurts more, because of the box.
Magnus: Who threw that? Security!
Tom Phillips: Whatâs that smell?
Magnus: Well... we painted the eggs weeks ago, and the refrigeration unit was kind of on the fritz...
Tom Phillips: You handed ten thousand rotten eggs out to a wrestling crowd?
Magnus: They have cute pictures of L.A. Wombat and Spike Kane on them, Iâm sure our assailants were isolated malcontents. Whoâd want to smash a Greg Adkins egg?
#SMACK#
Tom Phillips: Iâm gonna be sick-
Tom starts to throw up only to have a Venom egg thrown in his mouth, it breaks on impact. Also doesnât help with the need to vomit.
Magnus: Can we get more security to ringside, and uh, also umbrellas? In the meantime let's throw it over to special musical guests Los del RĂo for our national anthem.
The Star-Spangled Banner begins to play over the PA, as the camera pulls in on a close-up on two older Spanish men decked out in tuxedos in the middle of the ring.
Antonio Romero Monge: I am not trying to seduce you.
Rafael Ruiz Perdigones: Dale a tu cuerpo alegrĂa, Macarena
Magus: OOOOOOOH SAY CAN YOU SEE-
Antonio Romero Monge: Que tu cuerpo es pa' darle alegrĂa y cosa Buena
Magnus: By the dawnâs early light â Iâm translating the Spanish into English for listeners that might not be familiar with the Star Spangled Banner in espanol.
Rafael Ruiz Perdigones: Dale a tu cuerpo alegrĂa, Macarena
Magnus: What so proudly we hailed-
Antonio & Rafael: Eh, Macarena, ÂĄAy!
Magnus: At the twilightâs last gleaming-
The duo start dancing along with the music.
Rafael Ruiz Perdigones: Dale a tu cuerpo alegrĂa, Macarena-
Magnus: Okay, clearly our guest musicians have decided to serenade the crowd with their 90s hit, The Macarena, instead of actually singing the anthem. This is why we donât broadcast the anthem anymore â it happens every time, I donât know why I thought the Easter special would be different. Can we get their mics killed before Los del RĂo are pelted with rotten eggs?
The music stops.
The crowd which was dancing along and into it, decided to pelt Magnus with rotten eggs.
#SMACK SOUND EFFECT CITY#
The announce position is so covered in rotten sludge that it looks like the end of a particularly nasty tentacle based hentai. No wonder Kira keeps showing up.
Shaking their heads in disgust at the production team for ruining the mood, Los del Rio exit into the audience, to continue their dated antics.
{All the lights in the arena die out.}
{Dramatic Pause.}
"REGRETS I'VE HAD MINE!"
{The lights in the arena explode to life as they flash green and black to the beat as Steve Awesome comes running out with intensity to the hyped up chorus of "Full of Regrets" by Danko Jones.}
Lonely nights/ and a whole lot of wasted time!
If you see her wont you tell her for me/
It's better this way to avoid all the misery
{The chorus plays again as Steve walks down to ringside. The guitar starts soloing and Steve hops up onto the commentatorâs table, a few heroic poses before joining his brown yolk encrusted colleagues.}
Tom Phillips: NAME!
Magnus: STEVE AWESOME! What are you doing here?
Steve Awesome: I keep getting flack for not âresearchingâ Zorum, so I figured Iâd get up close and personal. Besides, it looked like you guys were about to get egged to death, and I figure my magnetic personality would keep the fans from throwing things in this direction.
Tom Phillips: Thanks Steve!
A few people still throw eggs, fortunately Steveâs superior reflexes let him get out of the way â leaving only Magnus and Tom to get hit.
Magnus: We need some more umbrellas â now letâs throw it to the special guest announcer, The Trix Rabbit.
Steve Awesome: From General Mills?
Magnus: I spared no expense!
The Trix breakfast cereal mascot enters the ring with a microphone, cue cards, and big cartoon grin.
Trix Rabbit: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN- THIS IS THE MAIN EVENT!
The large rabbit looks down at the cue cards.
Silence.
Magnus: Whatâs the problem?
Trix Rabbit: I never learned to read!
Magnus: Who are you trying to kid? Silly Rabbit, Trix are for ki-
Trix Rabbit: No, Iâm being serious.
Magnus: For fuckâs sake...
Magnus climbs up onto the announcerâs desk with a microphone. This makes him a target for forty eggs that all look like L.A. Wombat â as though he was the wrestler who was forced to paint them all. Magnus accepts this barrage of sludge, but the show must go on.
Magnus: One night I wanted a guest announcer. One night! Fine, whatever. THE FOLLOWING CONTEST IS SCHEDULED FOR ONE FALL, HAS A SIXTY â Jesus â SIXTY MINUTE TIME LIMIT...
Tom Phillips: Looks like El Rey isnât getting out of this with a draw.
Steve Awesome: Iâm probably just going to be memorizing lines for my next film.
Tom Phillips: Is that Anal Retentive Drive School 3?
Steve Awesome: Which will be going out on all reputable streaming services in July.
Tom Phillips: Will Jumbo Mac ever get his G license?
Magnus: AND IS FOR THE XHF X*CROWN CHAMPIONSHIP-
The crowd roar furiously for the championship, less interested in the introductions is the announce crew which are too busy discussing the plot for Anal Retentive Drive School 3.
The Heavy's "Big Bad Wolf" blasts over the PA system.
#With Time Slipping Away#
#I Can't Say What I'll Do...#
#You Got Nothing To Saaaaaaaaaaaay#
#'Til I Tell You Who's Whoooooooooooooo#
#You Know Why?#
Shoving through the back curtains is Redmond Fury much to the delight of all. The reaction is somewhat mixed, when Fury pulls out a sickle and starts cutting himself out of the massive muscle suit. Everyone's favourite chipânâdale dancer looking Asian babyface, was actually an elderly Eastern European monster in sheep's clothing.
Magnus: ENTERING FIRST, THE CHALLENGER, STANDING AT 6â1â, AND WEIGHING IN AT 242LBS â HE COMES TO US FROM BELGRADE, SERBIA- PLEASE GIVE WARM GUNS WELCOME TO-
THE FINAL BOSS!
The reaction for Zoran Sainovic is about what you'd expect, given how many people in attendance were glad he died. They donât throw the rotten eggs, however, as Zoran is scary as hell. The Final Boss moves down the aisle in sync with the tunes, now decked out in an Armani suit. The swagger is very real.
#Cos I'm The Big Bad Wolf#
#(What You Say)#
#I'm The Big Bad Wolf#
#(What You Say)#
#I'm The Big Bad Wolf#
#And I'm Blowing Down Your Neighbourhood#
Magnus: WAIT â he doesnât get the egg treatment?
No, the crowd are too smart, and know that Magnus wonât protect them if they end up on Sainovicâs bad side. They donât want to end up dead like Steve Awesome â who is too busy explaining why Jumbo Mac will never get his learnerâs permit to take any of this in. The prompt for egg tossing does get Magnus a cold look from Sainovic â itâs enough for the commentator to continue the introductions from under the announce table.
#I SAID#
#AAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO#
Blind Sonny Stubbs: I just have to pat you down for weapons, Mister Sainovic.
Zoran Sainovic: How much time do you have?
Referee Blind Sonny Stubbs sheepishly backs down from the weapon check. While Zoran, who remains unaware that his nemesis Steve Awesome is sitting ten feet from the ring - waits for El Rey.
Magnus: AND THE CHAMPION-
âHOOOOOOOOOOOOWLâ
Magnus: STANDING AT 5â8â, AND WEIGHING IN AT 180LBS â HE COMES TO US FROM ATLANTA, GEORGIA-
PLEASE GIVE HIM A ROUND OF APPLAUSE LIKE IT COULD BE HIS LAST-
YOUR CHAMPION-
ELLLLLLLLLLLLLL REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEY!
âAll rise fore the king of all wolves now arrives.â
The voice of James Earl Mother Fucking Jones echos over the speakers. How did he get James Earl Jones to say that? It wasnât a Cameo Iâll tell you that and it cost a pretty penny. Shortly after James Earl Jones speaks Big Seanâs âWolvesâ begins to play. The stage lights up with a spotlight and smoke fills the stage. Two men dressed as royal guards walk out and produce swords. They turn and point them into the air touching near the tips and El Rey walks out wearing a crown with the BDDWF Ultimate Championship side plate front and center in the middle of the Crown. Waving in the breeze from fans under the stage is a red cape with the side plates of the other 22 championships that comprise the X*Crown sewn in. In a new twist under the cape El Rey is wearing a body armor tank top to protect his vital organs with matching long tights. El Rey looks around at the booing audience before lifting his head raising his nose in the air showing his superiority over everyone in the audience. He walks under the two swords and makes his way to the ring, but no, he stops dead in his tracks when his gaze meets Sainovicâs and the fear sets in.
Steve Awesome: Because if he ever got his license, we couldnât make another one. Why would he keep coming back to the school?
Tom Phillips: Maybe he becomes an instructor?
Steve Awesome: Jumbo Mac is too fun for that, the series is all about him making the stick in the mud instructors loosen up with sexy and scatological hijinks.
El Rey would love to stall for time along the aisle, but finds himself in the awkward position of looking terrified at his opponent, and needing to run to the ring to avoid all the eggs being thrown at him. Sliding into the ring, Rey tries to use the safety of Zoran to avoid the eggs, while trying to avoid Zoran.
Magnus: Both competitors in the ring- thereâs the bell.
XHF X*CROWN CHAMPIONSHIP
EL REY © Vs. ZORAN SAINOVIC
Backpedaling with the superior speed of a champion, El Rey reaches through the ropes, snatching a microphone from a production assistant.
El Rey: Now hang on there! Wait!
El Rey circles, trying to maintain a safe distance, and keep on the opposite side of the ring from the elderly psycho.
El Rey: WAIT JUST ONE MINUTE! I hear the fans. âWe want another DANCE OFF like you had with Lord Dominicus!â
Crowd Chant: NO. WE. DONâT.
El Rey: âThat dance off was the greatest defense in the history of the crown. Too bad Old Man Sainovic is too decrepit to get his groove on!â Thatâs the audience talking, not me Zoran. Please believe me! I know youâre still cool enough to not only bust-a-move but potentially win the crown in a non-violent dance off! So why donât you show everyone how hip you are with your lindy hop! Which is what weâre going to do now-
ROUND ONE!
El Rey starts to do The Macarena.
Magnus: TOO SOON!
El Rey doesnât get three moves in, before Zoran Sainovic calmly produces a butterfly knife from up his sleeve, and tosses it into Reyâs foot.
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Crowd: SHIT JUST GOT REAL POP!
El Rey: JESUS!
No longer dancing, the champion looks down at his foot, more shocked than in pain. Perhaps it went between the toes, and didnât actually penetrate? Nope, thereâs the blood.
Zoran Sainovic: Iâm more into breakdancing.
The Final Boss starts to move towards his prey, for his part, El Rey fights through the âclearly too numb to feelâ pain, and tries to run away.
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Only the knife has pinned his foot to the canvas.
El Rey: Now hang on-
Before he can protest, Sainovic is on him â hammering away with brutal Eastern European uppercuts. Those are like regular European Uppercuts, but they tend to hit the adamâs apple more. The force rocks Rey back into the ropes, which he bounces off of into another vicious strike. With his foot pinned, Rey has effectively gone from Fred Astaire to a literal punching bag.
Magnus: Reyâs best chance was speed and his high flying edge â in the opening minute, the champâs literally been grounded.
Steve Awesome: Rey?
Tom Phillips: Heâs talking about the match. Magnus, canât you see that Steve is trying to promote his upcoming blockbuster? Sorry for the interruption, Steve.
A haymaker finally knocks El Rey to the canvas â doesnât free his foot though, just causes him to cut further into the flesh as he falls. El Rey points to the knife.
El Rey: Are you seeing this? Disqualify him ref!
Blind Sonny Stubbs turns to Sainovic for permission.
Zoran Sainovic: And risk upsetting me? No Rey, zere is only one fool in zis ring.
Finding it too painful to take the knife out, El Rey instead pulls the foot â with the knife in it off the canvas. The Final Boss reaches down for a Conditionizer â so the champion desperately kicks up, driving his knife foot into Zoranâs thigh. Stopping, the older man pulls the knife tip out â holding the leg to toss Rey across the canvas.
El Rey: Then disqualify me!
Reaching down, Zoran inspects the blood pouring out of his wound.
Blind Sonny Stubbs: Do you want me to disqualify him?
Sainovic inspects the gore with a faint smile, then shakes his head.
Zoran Sainovic: No. I came here for ze crown. If Rey wants us to get ROUGHER... zatâs his prerogative.
El Rey: Oh no!
Knife still firmly in foot, El Rey uses the ropes to pull himself up â then tries to hop away. Stumbling, the champ falls halfway through the ropes â but then tries to make it look like it was on purpose, continuing out of the ring.
Zoran Sainovic: GET OVER HERE!
Again channelling the spirit of Mortal Kombatâs Scorpion as he did to Steve Awesome in REIGN, Sainovic tosses a kunai rope dart at El Rey â catching him in the right shoulder. El Rey lets out a whimper, as the ancient beast yanks him back into the ring. With each pull, Rey is dragged closer â he tries to hop along with the motion, to avoid standing on his injured foot â but an especially hard pull forces him onto both in order to catch his balance. Blood gushes out. Back on one foot, El Rey cradles his other in agony â at least for the second before Zoran pulls him into a swinging exploder suplex.
Magnus: SICKLE CLUTCH! AND THEREâS THE COVER! ONE! TWO! Rey is unconscious but Blind Stubbs pointing out that the champ is in the ropes.
Scowling, Zoran loops the slack of the rope around the dangle foot, yanking it back for an almost hogtied cover.
Magnus: Challenger pulling off the leg, and thereâs a second pin â ONE! TWO! This time Rey with the presence of mind to kickout, and is trying to crawl away-
Still on top of him, Zoran uses the rope to keep El Rey from scurrying off, and reaches down, again looking for The Conditionizer. Only for the frantic El Rey to instinctively pull him into an inside cradle!
Magnus: Champ with an inside cradle! ONE! El Rey lets go â he isnât trying to pull the Final Boss towards him, heâs trying to escape.
Grabbing the bottom rope, El Rey pulls himself out of the ring with the speed of a champion. The safety of the outside momentarily brings back that big grin, until he remembers he still has a kunai sticking out of his arm â and Zoran is fishing him back in with the attached rope. With one foot, Rey tries to run away â only to slip in a puddle of blood dripping from his other boot, sending him crashing to the floor.
Blind Sonny Stubbs: ONE!
A count out! Thatâs the ticket. El Rey takes a breather on the floor, for half a second before the rope starts pulling tight again and dragging him back up towards the ring.
Blind Sonny Stubbs: TWO!
Magnus: El Rey struggling, but getting reeled in quickly â itâs like watching Sega Bass Rally!
Blind Sonny Stubbs: THREE!
El Rey kicks blindly as Zoran Sainovic reaches over the rope to grab the slippery prize. Twisting Rey around, Zoran is clipped with an accidental shining wizard the force of which frees the kunai from El Reyâs shoulder, letting the champion fall on the ring apron.
Blind Sonny Stubbs: FOUR!
Happy to take the ten count, El Rey makes sure not to re-enter the ring â instead using the ropes to pull himself up. Inside, Zoran is also ready to go back on the attack, pulling a sickle out of his suit. Zoran charges at the ropes with sickle in hand, narrowly missing the championâs neck as he dives off the apron with one foot-
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And lands with one foot on the nearest guardrail.
Itâs an impressive athletic feat worthy of the X*Crown champion. Only it's incredibly hard to balance yourself on a narrow guardrail with one foot â and El Rey soon tumbles forwards. None of the audience catch him, so he lands face first on the concrete.
Blind Sonny Stubbs: FIVE!
There is a cut over the ridge of his nose from where he landed, but hearing that stupid referee get higher in the ten count brings a big smile to the championâs face. Heâs surviving again!
El Rey: AND THATâS HOW WE DO IT!
Blind Sonny Stubbs: ONE!
El Rey: ONE? WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO SI- ugh.
Zoran Sainovic has followed El Rey to the outside, resetting the ten count. As the monster approaches him, the champion starts to madly crawl away, further into the audience.
Magnus: El Rey desperately trying to escape, but the challenger is hot on his trail. It remains to be seen if he can get far enough from the ring to survive another defense.
El Rey starts hopping again, but he was making better time crawling. Desperately clawing at anything he can to slow Zoranâs pursuit, El Rey throws hot dogs, and popcorn, and chairs, and fans down the stairs in an effort to build up a barricade. Zoran just sidesteps and walks over the broken bodies.
Blind Sonny Stubbs: TWO!
El Rey launches Bridget the Midget like a projectile dart.
Blind Sonny Stubbs: THREE!
But Zoran ducks under her.
Magnus: Itâs turned into a Fanâs Bring the Weapons match â but all they have are rotten eggs!
Past the point of caring, El Rey grabs an egg that looks like Venom from a little girl that doesnât look much better â and hurls it at the unstoppable beast. It shatters on Zoranâs Armani suit. Itâs at that moment that Rey realizes he might make the situation worse by pissing Zoran off.
Magnus: That is not coming out-
Steve Awesome: What? Oh, the match â yeah, he didnât buy that at Brooks Brothers.
Grabbing an egg of his own, Sainovic playfully whips it into El Reyâs foot â possibly hoping to create an infection worthy of a Dylan Black leg. Beyond the foul substance dripping into his open wound, the actual impact rocks the knife enough for El Rey to yelp.
Blind Sonny Stubbs: FOUR!
Amused by El Reyâs pain, Zoran ignores the refereeâs ten count, instead grabbing another egg to hit the knifed foot with. Goldbear shatters on impact.
Blind Sonny Stubbs: FIVE!
Magnus: He seems more caught up in torturing Rey than getting the action back to the ring!
Nelly Angel! Redmond Fury! Nelly Angel! Cerebus! James Mueller! JFK! Goldbear II! Nelly Angel! LA Wombat! Mecha Goldbear III! Thatâs got to hurt! Nelly Angel! GUNS superstar looking egg after GUNS superstar looking egg, shattering against El Reyâs raw nerve!
El Rey: WILL YOU STOP THAT!
Nelly Angel with a twist!
El Rey: NOOOOO!
Blind Sonny Stubbs: SIX!
El Rey pulls Amy Fisher in front of him as a human shield. The irony is lost on her.
Zoran Sainovic: GET OVER HERE!
Not the kunai again! Is what El Rey wants to say, but itâs dug into his shoulder a second time, before he has a chance. A quick tug yanks him away from the Long Island Lolita.
Blind Sonny Stubbs: SEVEN!
The Final Boss pulls El Rey into a murderous head-butt which knocks the kunai free.
Blind Sonny Stubbs: EIGHT!
Zoran starts to pull out his sickle, only for El Rey to block it with a steel chair. The two still on the steps, but Rey a rung higher gives him the drop. Hopping madly on one foot, El Rey brings the chair down on Zoranâs skull again and again. Some of the shots are harder than one normally expects out of the champion, just based on him staying upright by trying to repeatedly brain the challenger. Like any bully, when you stand up to them, hit them over the skull with a blunt object a good twenty times, Zoran starts to get weak in the knees.
Blind Sonny Stubbs: NINE!
Winding up one last strike, El Rey catches Sainovic on the side of the head, knocking The Final Boss to his knees.
El Rey: Thatâs right! Thatâs right! YOU JUST GOT BEAT BY A ONE LEGGED MAN IN AN ASS KICKING CONTEST! NOW CAN I GET MY TEN COUNT!
El Rey points at Blind Sonny Stubbs as he hollers this request.
El Rey: Weâre like sixty feet from the ring, just say ten and make it official.
Blind Sonny Stubbs waits patiently by the ropes for a sign.
El Rey: COME ON MAN!
The Final Boss turns to the referee with blood in his eyes.
Zoran Sainovic: Sorry to keep you waiting, weâll be right zere.
El Rey: WHAaaa-
Grabbing the knife handle, blade still firmly lodged in El Reyâs foot â Zoran stands up, using the weapon to drag the whimpering champion down the stairs by his gore soaked leg.
El Rey: Thatâs not fair! I survived! Double Countout! Come on! PLEAS-
The back of El Reyâs head bounces off every concrete step on the way down, after the eleventh potential concussion he blacks out.
Magnus: We really need to get better referees.
Tom Phillips: Do you know any refereeâs that are willing to piss HIM off?
Magnus: Itâs still not fair.
Zoran tosses El Rey over the guardrail so that he lands face first at ringside. Still holding onto the knife, The Final Boss drags El Rey straight into the ring.
Tom Phillips: They beat the ten count!
Magnus: Oh come on!
Reaching into his breast pocket, Zoran removes some smelling salts â which he administers to El Rey.
Tom Phillips: He wants the champion to be awake for this, what a cruel bastard.
Magnus: You know heâll probably watch the replay.
Tom Phillips: YOU HAVE TO ADMIRE THE FINAL BOSS.
The minute El Rey opens his eyes, Sainovic slaps on a variation of The Interrogation â02.
Blind Sonny Stubbs: Do you give up?
El Rey: YES, but not in a way that affects the outcome of this match.
Smiling sardonically, Zoran pulls back so hard on the choke that El Rey passes out.
Blind Sonny Stubbs: Do you-
The referee starts to raise El Reyâs limp arm. Having clearly knocked out his opponent, Zoran throws him to the canvas. Raising his arms in victory. Stubbs informs the challenger that the match isnât over yet, which infuriates Zoran.
Magnus: If Zoran keeps arguing like this, Stubbs might have no choice but to disqualify him.
Steve Awesome: Wait, Zoran where?!
Tom Phillips: In the ring-
Steve Awesome: What match is this?
Magnus: The X*Crown match with Rey defending against Sainovic... youâve literally been sitting here the entire time.
Steve Awesome: I thought this was the undercard! So wait, Zoranâs in trouble?
Tom Phillips: Well heâs about to gut the ref-
Steve Awesome: I have to help him!
*BUMP*
As Zoran and Stubbs continue to argue over the unconscious El Rey, Steve Awesome charges into the ring.
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Magnus: AWESOME FROM BEHIND HITS ZORAN WITH THE STEVEKO!!!!!
The audience loses their shit. Also the plot to Shit Storm IV.
Magnus: AND A SECOND ONE! AND A THIRD! AWESOME ON FIRE!
Even though Zoran is unconscious, Steve gestures to Stubbs to wait a second, and quickly goes up top-
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Magnus: WRATH OF THE DRAGON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yeah, Zoran isnât getting up.
Tom Phillips: Steve is a lot braver than I thought.
Magnus: Heâs the hero we need.
Everyone is feeling good about Steve finally using something other than an inside package on Zoran, when something strange happens. He shakes Stubbsâ hand.
Steve Awesome: I hope this goes a small way towards repairing bridges over our little misunderstanding, champ.
Leaving Stubbs as confused as everyone else, Steve Awesome leaves the ring and returns to the announcerâs booth.
Steve Awesome: Sorry guys but it had to be done.
Magnus: Youâre sure you donât want to run to the airport?
Steve Awesome: Nah, for the first time in months I feel like I donât need to look over my shoulder. If Zoran had assaulted that referee it would have cost him the match- so I assaulted the referee for him.
Tom Phillips: Wait âwhat?
Magnus: Steve.
Steve Awesome: Whatâs wrong fellas?
Tom Phillips: You think the ref is Zoran?
Magnus: Steve, you canât tell the difference between two middle aged men, and probably just cost Zoran the X*Crown.
As this exchange occurs, a concussed El Rey starts to struggle up to his feet â only his brain is so battered he forgets about his knife foot, and slips backwards on top of Zoran.
Steve Awesome: Iâve made a terrible mistake.
ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
*BUMP*
Magnus: Steve leaving the announcerâs table desperate to break that pin-
TWO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Tom Phillips: Heâs under the ropes-
THREE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Steve Awesome: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
The audience cheer, before realizing that an El Rey win has just doomed Steve Awesome. A solemn hush falls over the crowd.
DING! DING! DING!
The ring bell finally wakes Zoran, just in time for the final boss to hear...
Trix Rabbit: The winner of this match as the result of a pinfall - thanks to that swell wrestler and acclaimed star of film, Steve Awesome-
AND STILL X*CROWN CHAMPION-
EL REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEY!
Tom Phillips: I donât believe it! El Rey finally managed to defend with a relatively clean win. Sucks about Steve though. I was really looking forwards to watching Anal Retentive Driving School 3... but I guess his death will put it in production hell.
Zoran Sainovic sits upright.
Magnus: RUN STEVE!
Steve Awesome is already gone.
Magnus: What am I saying? RUN EVERYONE!
The audience pelt the ring with rotten eggs. A thousand Nelly Angels exploding in unison. Feeling confident, that if Steve Awesome can stand up for himself, so can they.
Magnus: No you fools, heâll kill us all-
Zoran Sainovic calmly collects his sickle, because that is exactly how that shit is going down. Wanting the thousands in attendance to die first, like some Final Destination order of death, Venom drags his son into a wheelbarrow â pushing the concussed king out quickly.
Magnus: Donât you understand? Weâre already dead!
The eggs continue to fly, as Zoranâs eyes fix on Magnus. The XHF owner throws himself on Venomâs wheelbarrow, forcing the legend to push him and Rey out.