GUN Show s3e10 - Earth Day Spectacular
Apr 21, 2022 17:09:28 GMT -5
Mongo the Destroyer, Dave D-Flipz, and 3 more like this
Post by Venom đź•· on Apr 21, 2022 17:09:28 GMT -5
BOOM! BANG! POW! Pyro busts and the crowd is hot for the last Gun Show before the Rumble. We pan around the crowd and find signs that read "So long Caff," "#IStandWithMongo," and "El Rey is dead and this is his clone. Zoran killed him." We finally close on Magnus and Tom Phillips at the announcers table.
Magnus: Welcome to the Gun Show!
Phillips: We've got a hot show tonight.
Magnus: Just a few short days after our Easter Special and we're getting another X*Crown Championship.
Phillips: I'm ready to see who he faces tonight. Rumor has it, it's a star who was huge in Japan.
Magnus: We'll have to wait to see because first up is Nelly with a special guest.
We cut backstage where we find XHF Junior Heavyweight Champion Nelly Angel. He stands in one of those giant plastic balls with a mic in hand. The camera crops in tight on the Champ and he takes a deep breath and says.
Nelly: Just a few days away from defending my title against a man covered in peni and just moments before my warm up match I am tasked with, what I’m told is my “real job,” interviewing Goldbear II.
The camera pans out and now standing next to the bubble is the massive Bear Necessities Champion Goldbear II.
Nelly: Welcome back Goldy. I must ask, where have you been?
Goldbear II let’s out a growl and paws at his chin.
Nelly: Yeah, you took a lot of damage to the face in that boxing match. You look well healed now though. What brings you back?
Goldbear II roars and points to the poster behind the two that is an advertisement for tonight’s unification match, a table, ladders and bears match.
Nelly: Makes sense that you’d be involved in such a match. Do you have a favorite?
Goldbear II blushes, we think.
Nelly: Of course UrsaLa would be your favorite. Last question, and I apologize for having to ask, is your beef with Goldbear finished.
Goldbear II let’s out a bone chilling roar and then swipes at the ball protecting the Junior Heavyweight Champion. The ball pops and leaks air collapsing on Nelly as Goldbear II walks off camera.
Nelly: I guess that was a no. Back to the boys at ring side.
The lights drop down so that only the entranceway and the ring are illuminated as a deep, throaty, laugh not unlike that of Lemmy of Motorhead gargles over the PA system. However, just as soon as it started it is replaced by the treble-busting vocals of Freddy Mercury of Queen dropping a red hot ballad on y’all. Specifically, “Play the Game” by Queen. As the song persists, “The Mental Killer” Kris “Triple Quake” Quake and “The Corn Snake” Randy Angel- better known as Off the Wagon- walk out. Well, walk is being generous, Randy is stumbling drunk- still drinking from a flask- and Quake’s walk is more of a waddle since he appears to be trying to flex all several of his muscles at the same time. They make there way to the ring and have microphones in hand.
Phillips: The tag team champions are here! They’re not on my schedule!
Magnus: We have a schedule?
Phillips: How do you own this company?
: Ladies and gentlemen, the Borgs are continuing on their foolish quest to come after these tag team titles that we rightfully won! We all know that if they faced us, they would go down hard.
: I love to go down hard.
: But we know they won’t even make it to us, because they still have three more teams to go through, and the ones we have for them to face tonight, are men on a mission! Men out for revenge for their fallen brother from another mother!
: I just watched a mother getting three teamed last night.
: Ladies and gentlemen, the healthy two-thirds of Contemporary Twenty-Four Hours! Coffee Kinison and Xander Forest
”It’s a Contemporary Twenty Four Hours, yes it!” shouts over the P.A., and then some gospel-ish music plays as two men emerge from the entryway. One of them has a trumpet, and is playing along with the music while gyrating his hips. Another is throwing waffles at the crowd. They enter the ring.
: Listen Wagon, we don’t like you. We want a shot at those belts. But first things first, we need to get some revenge on the Borgs! Their giant metal robot may be blown up, but he put our boy Huge D on the shelf! He’s still sitting at home with a broken freakin’ neck! And we will not let the Borgs go on unpunished for creating the monstrosity that did that to him now that we know they’re not dead.
: This one’s for you D!
: I got a huge D.
Magnus: We really need to stop letting Randy Angel have a microphone.
Phillip: No, I get it, I brag about that all the time too.
Off the Wagon leaves the ring as Coffee and Xander warm up, getting ready for their opponents. Just then, "Am I Evil" by Metallica hits the speakers and the stage fills with mist. Strobe lights go on all throughout the arena. Evil-Borg and Heavymetal-Borg come out together and Heavymetal-Borg is air guitaring to the music. They make their way to the ring throwing up the devil horns and threatening fans. They climb into the ring and Heavymetal head bangs until the match starts.
Phillip: Oh man, you can feel the tension in the air for this match.
Magnus: These guys are out for revenge, the Borgs finally have a legitimate wrestling storyline!
Evil Borg charges at Coffee and hits him from behind, sending him out of the ring. The bell rings as Xander turns to hit Evil, but Heavy Metal Borg runs up from behind and elbows Xander in the back of the head! The ref is trying to regain some order and making Evil Borg leave the ring. As he’s distracted, Xander turns around and gets the Purple Haze sprayed in his face! Heavy then gets him in a small package. The ref turns around. 1, 2, 3!
Phillip: And just like that, it’s over!
Magnus: Wow, these guys suck at revenge.
Phillip: I know, that was worse than their showing at the grandest stage of them all.
Magnus: Chippendales?
Phillip: What?
Magnus: What?
Evil and Heavy Metal celebrate their win as Xander rolls out of the ring trying to wipe the mist out of his eyes. Coffee comes over to console him, when Quake delivers the Drought right to Coffee’s face!
: You idiots! You suck! Now they’re one step closer!
: And your waffles taste stale!
Evil Borg grabs a mic.
: You two think these trials will stop us? We’re going to out evil you at every turn! Because we are eeeeeeeeevil! MWUA HA HA HA HA!
: WOOOOOP!
Randy and Quake grab their titles and leave with anger in their eyes as the Borgs continue to celebrate in the ring.
Backstage earlier today. The now Unboxed Ken sits in the locker room. Finally out of the hospital and back at the arena, but he looks lost. He sits staring off into space when the X*Crown Champion El Rey walks in. He smiles as he sees the GUNS OG and walks over to him.
El Rey: Good to see you back Ken.
Unboxed Ken: Don’t patronize me kid. This may be the first time we’ve met, but your reputation proceeds you.
El Rey: Now now Ken. Don’t go believing everything you’ve heard. I’m my fathers son after all, you know my dad, the one who plucked you out of obscurity and gave you a job again.
Unboxed Ken: Yeah, then he and his partner promptly beat me and my buddy Wombat up. Then he threw me in with a bear.
El Rey: Well don’t worry, I don’t have a bear up my sleeve, but I did leave a present in your locker if you’ll do me a favor.
Unboxed Ken: What is is?
El Rey: The present or the favor?
Unboxed Ken: Both.
El Rey: The present is a surprise that’s going to make you say yes to my favor.
Unboxed Ken: What’s the favor then.
El Rey: Face me tonight for the X*Crown. I had a big star lined up tonight, but travel issues have made them late.
Unboxed Ken: Sure you did. This is just a trick to beat me up, just like your dad.
El Rey: You’ll change your mind when you open your locker.
El Rey smirks and exits the room. Ken stares after him and watches the door for a bit. He seems conflicted, but finally caves and goes to his locker. Inside is a wrapped present. He unwraps it and finds just a box. A tear rolls down his cheek.
Unboxed Ken: Yes.
Ken slides the box on and a smile overtakes his face. Ken in the Box stands and checks himself out as we cut back to ringside.
Tom Phillips: We are jam packed and ready for this next match, ladies and gentlemen! We have The XHF Junior Heavyweight Champion, Nelly Angel taking on former SWAT Women’s Champion, Blaze Freya! She was hot on The XHF Network before, let’s see if she’s gotten any hotter over the years!
Magnus: Oh would you be professional for once, Tom? The Blackpool Bombshell isn’t just another pretty face and Nelly Angel isn’t only a current Champion, he’s a multi-time former champion who I for one think is going to teach Blaze a valuable lesson in learning to walk before she runs.
Tom Phillips: This is GUNS afterall, though! Anything can happen!
"Rip it Up" by Jet hits as the crowd gets on their feet. Nelly Angel comes out, pumped for his match and takes off down the ramp, sliding into the ring for another loud pop when he gets there. He's ready for a hot match with one of the hottest!
Magnus: The definition of pro-wrestling, everybody.
Tom Phillips: What does that even mean, Magnus?
Magnus: Shut it, Tom.
The arena darkens and fans erupt into loud cheers as “Collapsing” by Demon Hunter blasts through the speakers. Red, pink and purple lights flicker on and off in rapid succession creating a beautiful strobe effect over the stage as none other than The Blackpool Bombshell herself, Blaze Freya comes out from behind the curtain, walking backwards onto the stage with a charismatic strut. Her black hood covers her lowered head until she spins around triggering the lights to brighten to reveal her gorgeous face as she removes the hood, headbanging with the fans a bit. She nods in approval hearing the roar of the crowd, feeding off of their excitement then rolls her shoulders a few times, sprinting down the ramp and sliding into the center of the ring, humping it briefly. Blaze then leans back on her knees running her fingers through her long fiery locks, flirtatiously winking at the nearest camera before standing up to her feet and walking back to her corner.
Nelly Angel vs Blaze Freya
Tom Phillips: She sure looks hotter to me!
Magnus: And as usual you look like a jackass to the majority of our viewers. Do you even read your email?
Tom Phillips: Don’t bother with hatemail, Magnus. It’s no good for the human soul.
Magnus: The bell rings, we are underway and Angel offers a handshake to the newest member of our roster, perhaps welcoming her aboard. Blaze looks down at his hand, then out at the crowd before she sticks her right hand down the front of her tights and NOW she accepts the handshake! Nelly looks taken aback, just wiping his hand off on his leg. I’m sure this is more your speed.
Tom Phillips: Oh yeah! He shoots in for a collar & elbow, he twists the arm and takes her back- and what’s this!? Blaze is backing it up on Nelly! He releases the hold and steps back shaking a finger at her in disapproval, they share a smirk as he rushes for an Irish whip.
Magnus: Blaze Freya runs and rebounds off the ropes, Angel pops her up into a SPINE BUSTER!!! She looked like a ragdoll there! Nasty impact slapping the back of her head against the mat. He hooks the legs looking to make this a short night for Freya!
ONE!!
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And she kicks out!
Tom Phillips: Nelly gets her up to her feet, hits her with two open palm slaps and a backhand to complete the combo! She’s dazed as he goes for the springboard dropkick and Freya side-steps slapping his legs on the way down as he gets a face and stomach FULL of canvas! She then runs and handsprings off the ropes while he’s rising to a kneeling position just in time for a headscissor DDT which sticks him into the mat like an arrow. His body collapses leaving him vulnerable for his long crawl to the corner.
Magnus: Nelly Angel looks dazed after that DDT left him in a perfect headstand for a few seconds. Blaze roll flips forward twice into a CODEBREAKER- NO! He catches the legs and reverses into a Liontamer but luckily for Blaze they’re in the corner and she easily gets to the ropes before it’s fully applied! She’s hanging on for dear life and the ref is counting-
ONE!
TWO!
Tom Phillips: HE RIPS HER AWAY FROM THE ROPES!!! Angel is dragging Freya to the middle of the ring and reapplies!!! She’s gonna tap! Pulling at her own hair now trying to resist the urge to give up under pressure, she raises her right hand up high! She’s had enough-
Magnus: NO! Blaze reverses, using all the strength in her legs plus a lot of adrenaline I’m sure, to send Nelly flying across the second rope in a turn of events that leaves Blaze in the driver’s seat now!
Tom Phillips: The Blackpool Bombshell’s doing everything she can to prove her worth to these fans here tonight, but how much can her body withstand? She can barely get to her feet, even with the help of the ropes.
Magnus: Nelly still draped over the ropes, Blaze notices and starts to scale to the top turnbuckle. What’s this!? She jumps for a diving leg drop and Nelly MOVES!!! He dodged all of that and Freya on the other hand did not! First her back, now she has landed tailbone-first on the hardest part of the ring! You can hear her screams of agony on impact, this is why it’s called the high-risk district. Sometimes it pays off, sometimes you end up falling flat on your ass!
Tom Phillips: And what an ass it is, Magnus. Nelly now stalking her recovery on the outside, he rolls out to the apron standing up without looking away from Freya. She’s getting up but heavily leaning on the barricade for support. He runs and jumps! HURRICANRANA! She FLIES into the steel steps!!!
Magnus: I’ve never before seen those steps disassemble in that way. She might be our first debut injury with bumps like those.
Tom Phillips: Well, Nelly Angel doesn’t seem to be concerned with that as he plays to the crowd a bit before scooping her up and dominantly rolling her into the ring like she was extra luggage! He again plays to the fans, rolling back inside himself to see a worn out Blaze Freya has risen up to her knees in the middle of the ring and she’s taunting him! He walks over and she uses his gear to get up to her feet.
Magnus: The crowd is going absolutely WILD as these two have a little stare down before she SLAPS him across the face! Nelly fires back with a stiff European Uppercut, Freya spins and hits him with a discus elbow to the side of the temple which drops him to a knee, almost out of instinct he blasts her with another European Uppercut this time knocking her across the ring! She springboards off the ropes with a European Uppercut of her own and now they’re both down!
Tom Phillips: They both came out guns blazing, no pun intended, they both have sacrificed life and limb to get to this point of the match; what will they have to do to end this?
Magnus: It might be as simple as going for a cover, which is exactly what Freya does, just tossing an arm over the chest of The XHF Junior Heavyweight Champion!
ONE!!
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.
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HE GETS THE SHOULDER UP!!!!
Tom Phillips: Forget ending it! What do they have to do to even slow the other one down!? Two pinfall attempts, two kickouts at ONE! This is the level of competition he demands, this non-stop, hard-hitting action is where he is at his best and we’re seeing it right here tonight.
Magnus: And don’t forget about GUNS newest superstar, Blaze Freya who came right in and challenged a CHAMPION for her debut match. Talk about choosing your battles, she chose the hardest battle there was!
Tom Phillips: Both competitors up on their knees, Freya begging for more which isn’t the wisest request to make when fighting for your life in there. Angel hits her with a left elbow strike that knocks her so far back her shoulders touch the mat before she slowly wobbles forward into a right one that crumbles her as soon as it lands! She’s huffing and puffing against his chest, leaning on him and he pulls her head back taunting her perhaps as they rise up to their feet.
Magnus: Nelly with a BRUTAL European Uppercut making a statement here by dropping Freya once more. He climbs up to the top calling for On Angels Wings- Freya is UP, though! She runs and with one clean jump lands on the top rope behind him, locking in The Blackpool Blackout! Her trademarked rear naked choke is locked in on the top rope! Nelly collapses and lands on top of Blaze but she hardly budges at all and it seems she has tightened the choke!
Tom Phillips: The ref is checking on the two of them, he lifts Angel’s hand and it falls to the mat- he’s out!
Magnus: Here is your winner by submission! The Blackpool Bombshell, BLAAAAAZE! FREEEEEEEYAAAAA!!!!!
Tom Phillips: Nothing to be ashamed of, both wrestlers left it all in the ring and I am excited to see where this young lady goes with the biggest debut victory we’ve seen in quite some time. Welcome back to The XHF Network, Blaze! And welcome to GUNS!
Magnus: Do you think this could lead to a rematch, Tom? These fans were eating it up!
Tom Phillips: Let’s not get too carried away, Magnus. Just know that two of the best in the business just set the bar that much higher for our competition.
The following advertisement is paid and sponsored by Snickers.
SNICKERS!
You're not the same when you're hungry.
Have a Snickers!
Don't be a Bear!
(the voice Gulps audibly)
Goldbear II is seen eating a massive pile of snickers. Letting out a massive bear roar with chocolate all over his lips and on his teeth. Nobody told Goldbear II what to do, this was barely a commercial and more of a holdup from the GUNS star.
Magnus: The last time the XHF used this stipulation was on the first week of the 2020 End of Days, where the Purple Emperors were able to get past The Masters of the Mat.
Tom Phillips (clearly uncomfortable being close to so many dangerous bears): I can’t imagine why it isn’t used more often.
Magnus: There is a real bias against bears in the XHF – why, any other wrestling network has 90% more bear content then we do. The one exception was CWA, I tried to warn them that they needed at least 20% bears, but they didn’t listen, and we all know how that ended.
Tom Phillips: You certainly have a lot of bears in this-
Magnus: Almost the entire Bearnecessities division, including champ GoldBear II, we have managed to coax Triple B over... with a trail of peanuts, and we even reactivated Mecha GoldBear II for the occasion – it turns out we had the technology, we just didn’t want to spend a lot of money.
Tom Phillips: Is that wise?
Magnus: If Terminator 2 has taught me nothing, it’s that no bad can come from bringing back previous robots once considered evil. Why I’m sure there’s some young child who is destined to lead the future resistance against our metal bear overlords, and desperately needs a father figure in Mecha GoldBear II.
Tom Phillips: ....And what exactly is this match?
Magnus: We take every version of the phoenix title, and hang them from the rafters. The winner is the person who retrieves them all – only you need a ladder for that, and those are outside the ring where the bears dwell.
Tom Phillips: Seems pointlessly dangerous.
Magnus: Everyone will see that GUNS is where the REAL Bears play – and if we lose a few participants along the way? Well, I’ll have been justified in all my bear insurance, and people will stop saying my dear departed husband’s death was premeditated.
Tom Phillips: But this sounds premeditated...
UrsusLa seems more agitated than usual as a result of referee Blind Sonny Stubbs taking her belt. The other participants seem just as uncomfortable with her in the ring as they do with the carnivores roaming around outside of it. Wombat and Byrd seeming especially weary, having previously been eaten by the female grizzly.
Tom Phillips: Greg Adkins is the only participant that hasn’t been inside her.
Magnus: Story of his life.
As soon as the bell rings, Adkins cheapshots a distracted Wombat – a well placed kneelift to the kidney sending the future XHF Hall of Famer through the ropes. Wombat has to roll away from a Kodiak, narrowly avoiding getting mauled. With lightning reflexes the two time and longest reigning Fauenix champion dives back into the ring – where Adkins is waiting to stomp away. While Guttertrash goes to town, Dirty Byrd is doing everything in his power to put Greg and Wombat between him and a pissed off UrsusLa. He’s so caught up in using them as a shield, that Byrd doesn’t pay attention to the black bear clawing under the rope – a paw dragging the actual champion out of the ring.
Tom Phillips: The ropes aren’t much of a barrier, as Byrd pulled to the outside, and that black bear almost bites a piece out of his bottom!
Magnus: Sadly, Byrd able to leap back into the ring, only losing a few tail feathers. Give it time. Will get rid of that menace yet!
UrsusLa scratches her claws against the ring post – much to the approval of all the lumberjacks. Wombat rolls through an Adkins kick, and takes the former real champion over with a double leg takedown. The duo roll around the ring trading punches. Byrd leans through the ropes and demands one bear give him a ladder, almost like it were prearranged, only they all look alike to the Gobbledygooker and Triple B almost takes his head off. Staggering backwards into UrsusLa, the unpleasant birdman once again draws the beasts’ attention away from the post.
Magnus: What did I tell you? Dirty Byrd is as good as UrsusLa lunch. The grizzly chasing the odious creep around the ring, while Wombat and Adkins continue to roll around trading shots.
Tom Phillips: Wait, Byrd changing direction – jumps over the brawling pair, trying to put them in UrsusLa’s path!
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Magnus: No, their punch exchanging roll inexplicable changing directions, and now rolling away from the rampaging bear – fast enough that Byrd has to leap over them again – right into a... well that looked like Dinosaur Bones’ Tail swipe? Not much of a tail but it sends Byrd flying!
Tom Phillips: Byrd grabbing the top rope to avoid hitting the floor, and again that black bear gets a mouthful of tail feathers.
Magnus: So close!
Byrd lands back in the ring, just in time to take another authoritative hip attack from the grizzly. Finally back to their feet, Wombat sends Adkins crashing into the corner with an Irish whip – following it in with a handspring elbow... only for Adkins to grab him by the waist – stagger out – then suplex Wombat’s neck into the turnbuckle. Putting a boot into Wombat’s throat, Adkins pushing Los Authentico’s head under the bottom rope where a brown bear starts licking it. With one foot still on the throat, Adkins uses his free leg to kick the brown bear in the head – trying to get a decapitating reaction. The bear growls, and seems ready to bite, but as Adkins retracts one leg – Wombat pulls the other one over for a dragon legwhip which also gets him back in the ring. Hanging onto the ankle, Wombat turns Adkins over for a half-boston only for Guttertrash to kick through – again sending Wombat crashing into the far post. On top of him, Adkins starts to choke Wombat against the top rope – only to eat a backfist. Undeterred, Adkins starts charging in again, only for Wombat to leap frog over him. Spinning, Adkins goes for a closeline – which L.A. matrixes under ...leaving only UrsusLa.
Magnus: Adkins accidentally hitting UrsusLa, drawing the bear’s attention!
Tom Phillips: UrsusLa trying to bite him, but Greg backpedalling – trying to pull Wombat in front as a shield – but he’s having none of it.
Magnus: HERE SHE COMES!
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Magnus: GREG PULLING OUT A CAN OF BEAR SPRAY UNLOADS ON URSUSLA, BLINDING HER!
With the bear blinded, Dirty Byrd suddenly feels heroic enough to attack from behind – jumping on UrsusLa’s back with a rear naked choke. Realizing it might be in their best interest to take out the biggest threat, both Wombat and Adkins join in kicking away at the enraged grizzly. A double dropkick to the legs knocks UrsusLa backwards, squashing Byrd like a bug – but he hangs onto the choke. Soon the other two each have a claw, and are applying double spinning cross armbreakers – for a bit of triple teaming worthy of Kaientai.
Tom Phillips: It should be pointed out that the only way to win is via title retrieval, so even if UrsusLa taps it has no baring on the result.
Magnus: The human participants deciding the best way to proceed is to create a safe, bear free space....
Tom Phillips: And the bears on the outside don’t like it at all.
Magnus: Our lumberjacks have a clear favourite.
The bears are getting visibly upset at the gang beating, to the point where dozens of claws are coming under the ropes – and it looks like a few might climb into the ring.
Tom Phillips: They wisely release their holds. You have to feel for Wombat, Byrd, and Adkins – it’s an impossible situation. UrsusLa can basically kill them on a whim, but anything they try risks getting the two dozen bears at ringside into a bloodthirsty frenzy.
Dirty Byrd sucker punches the bear, only to again draw loud growls from all directions. The trio look uncomfortable, but again put the boots to the grizzly, then start to set her up a makeshift spike piledriver.
Magnus: Chancing fate – the triple teaming contin-
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Tom Phillips: NAME!
Magnus: Goldbear II has had enough! The resident champion of bears can’t stomach this unsportsmanlike conduct any further – and enters the ring, hitting Wombat and Adkins with a double closeline! UrsusLa bucking Dirty Byrd off of her, which sets up a 3-D by Goldbear II!
Both bears help Wombat and Adkins up – whipping them into each other! The duo hit hard, stumbling back into double claw swats. This sends them into the ropes for a double backdrop into the centre of the ring. Dirty Byrd tries to play dead, but that only works in movies – as the two bears lift him up for a DOOMSDAY DEVICE!
Magnus: What great chemistry! Could we be seeing future tag champs?
Tom Phillips: I think you’d see our tag roster quit first.
Magnus: Let them try.
Confident that the gang beating is over, Goldbear II returns to the floor; leaving UrsusLa to hit a few standing sentons on three men who clearly wish they were dead. With no sign of them moving, UrsusLa looks up at her NEW Fauenix title – then out to the floor. The bear climbs out of the ring to retrieve a ladder, unlike the other participants – the lumberjacks let her pass freely, as if she belonged with them.
Magnus: UrsusLa receiving no resistance, as she collects a ladder and starts sliding it under the rin-
When the ladder is almost completely in, Greg Adkins jumps to life – quick to fire another stream of bear spray into the Grizzly’s eyes and mouth. As UrsusLa falls backwards into a table, #CRASH# Greg is left with the ladder. Greg, the only conscious participant in the ring, quickly sets it up and starts racing up rungs.
Magnus: Ever the opportunist, Greg racing up that ladder – I think he has it, he’s got a finger on his Bobby Walden title – the tape is starting to come loose!
Tom Phillips: Almost there!
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Tom Phillips: HE’S DONE IT!
Magnus: The Bobby Walden title just fell apart – he really didn’t do very well putting it back together.
Tom Phillips: Jamester really did a number on it-
Magnus: HE HAD ONE JOB!
Tom Phillips: Well as the tape unravels, Greg Adkins has retrieved at least a third of his fauenix title!
Magnus: Those belts are attached by a ring, the winner isn’t the man to get a third of a single belt but all four! He has another 3 and 2 thirds to go!
Tom Phillips: Greg uncomfortable, but climbing up another rung to reach the clasp-
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Magnus: WOMBAT FROM BEHIND, PULLS GREG’S FOOT OUT FROM UNDER HIM – AND GREG SENT DOWN THAT LADDER, HIS CHIN HITTING RUNG AFTER RUNG!
Tom Phillips: I think he bit his tongue each time.
Magnus: That’s got to hurt.
Adkins is left in a heap at the bottom, holding his mouth in agony and spitting up blood, as Wombat starts climbing the ladder himself. Byrd starts to charge over to knock it down, but Wombat dives off instead – taking the Phoenix champion out with a missile dropkick to the beak. While Wombat stomps away at Byrd, Greg starts to climb the ladder again.
Magnus: Wombat making sure that Gobbledygooker doesn’t interfere, unaware that Adkins has recovered and is again going for those belts.
Tom Phillips: UrsusLa has recovered on the outside, and is starting to climb back- no! Yogi Bear just dragged her back out.
Magnus: UrsusLa successfully defended her NEW Fauenix title against Yogi on the April Fools Show, and it looks like the Hanna Barbara hero wants payback!
Just when Greg is almost at the top of the ladder, Wombat starts following him up. Wombat tries to grab an ankle again, but Greg kicks it away – then lays in some thrust kicks to the head, trying to knock L.A. off. Undeterred, Wombat swings to one side – almost knocking the ladder over, but avoiding a kick – then climbs past the legs, so that both men are on the same rung. They trade punches, but continue to climb until they’re both on top.
Magnus: Wombat and Greg on top again, punching away, and whoever comes out on top has the win!
Tom Phillips: Greg pulls out his trusty bear spray again-
Magnus: But Wombat catches him with a wristlock, the two fighting for control-
Tom Phillips: And Greg just maced himself!
Magnus: He’s practically invulnerable to mace at this point.
Tom Phillips: Bear mace?
Magnus: That still seems to be causing blinding pain, so maybe not-
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Wombat nails an ace breaker on the top of the ladder, the force of which knocks Adkins clear of the titles – sending him crashing dangerously close to some tables. Fortunately he catches his crotch on the top rope instead. Damn near cut in half, Greg can’t articulate the pain of the blinding spray or possible genital mutilation – he just slumps forwards blacking out from the agony. He remains attached to the ropes, dangling close to a hungry looking polar bear.
Magnus: Wombat up top – almost has the titles off-
#THWACK#
Tom Phillips: Dirty Byrd just hit Wombat in the legs with a steel chair! Wombat grabbing the ladder to keep from falling!
#THWACK#
#THWACK#
#THWACK#
Magnus: What a filthy cheater! IT’S A TABLES, LADDER AND BEARS MATCH – Chairs are the only thing that literally aren’t legal in this match. They have been specifically excluded. That damned bird always has to play by his own rules.
Tom Phillips: Dirty Byrd desperate to knock Wombat off, but the way that ladder is shak-
The ladder falls over, Bird is able to land on his feet but Wombat is sent flying- outside the ring-
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...Straight into the waiting mouth of Mecha Goldberg II.
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CROWD: *HORRIFIED SCREAMS OF TERROR*
Magnus: MECHA GOLDBEAR II JUST ATE L.A. WOMBAT!
Tom Phillips: Wombat’s been eaten by bears before-
Magnus: That was a flesh bear. I assure you there is no magical wonderland inside of Mecha GoldBear II where Wombat can just mystically reappear six months later. Mecha GoldBear II is a creature of science, and science dictates you can’t survive being digested by a bear. No, future XHF Hall of Famer and greatest Fauenix champion in the history of the title, Wombat is dead.
Tom Phillips: This is horrible.
Magnus: I blame myself for reactivating Mecha GoldBear II.
Tom Phillips: Yes, everyone blames you.
In the ring, the fallen ladder is leaning over the top rope, where a Sun Bear is gnawing at one end. Dirty Byrd is desperately trying to pull it back in, but his strength doesn’t quite measure up.
Dirty Byrd: Fine, keep the damn thing you flea ridden animal! Hey YOU, get me another ladder.
This order is directed at Freddy Fazbear, who runs over and picks up another ladder. Then stops when he sees Triple B watching him... and politely puts it down.
Freddy Fazbear: I think they might suspect something. The ladder is a tall order.
Dirty Byrd: I need the height! Ugh. Hopeless! Fine, then just get me a stack of tables.
Lifting the ring curtain, Freddy Fazbear starts shoving stacks of folded tables into the ring. While he’s waiting, Dirty Byrd takes the time to kick Greg Adkin’s nuts loose from the top rope – letting the XHF veteran fall over into a sea of bears. His scent of bear spray doesn’t discourage them as much as anger. As the bears swarm in for the kill, Greg desperate crawls under a table. A black bear almost bites his leg, so he flips the table to act as a shield. A brown bear starts to crawl over it, so Greg pulls another table on top of him. They break through it, so he starts pulling in more – using the mess of tables to create a little fort against the hungry lumberjacks.
Magnus: Greg pinned down by a dozen bears on the outside, UrsusLa fighting for her life against Yogi Bear – who is being helped by Booboo, and Wombat remains dead. Freddy Fazbear in the ring setting up stacks of tables in a pyramid so Dirty Byrd can reach those titles.
Dirty Byrd: We need another one, and while you’re at it - none of that cutesy accident-prone shit.
The pyramid continues to grow, as Dirty Byrd crawls up the stacked tables towards the Phoenix nest. Meanwhile a nondescript man approaches the announcer booth.
Benny Burton: Mister Magnus?
Magnus: We’re on the air.
Benny Burton: I’m the insurance investigator looking into Mr. Fury’s policy.
Magnus: IT WASN’T ME!
Benny Burton: I know. After seeing what happened to Wombat, it was clearly an accident. So I both advised our company to stop issuing you Bear insurance-
Magnus: Nooooo-
Benny Burton: And to cut you a cheque for the policy on your late husband.
Magnus: Wait what?
Benny Burton: Here you are-
Magnus: SO - I’M STUPID RICH!
Benny Burton: We’re very sorry for your loss.
Magnus: WHAT LOSS – oh right, thanks. This is all so much to take in.
Tom Phillips: Do you need a minute, Magnus?
Magnus: Thanks Tom, I think I’m going to cry.
Tom Phillips: This whole Fury bear cycle has been an emotional rollercoaster.
Magnus: I mean, I’ve never seen so many zeroes. I’M STINKING RICH!
While Burton leaves in disgust, passing UrsusLa as Yogi Bear uses a taser on her. In the ring, Fazbear places the last table into the pyramid, allowing Byrd to reach the titles.
Freddy Fazbear: I’ll steady them.
Dirty Byrd: Don’t you dare!
Byrd reaches up, filthy wings wrapped around the string of titles.
Suddenly, Kung Fu Panda enters the ring.
Freddy Fazbear: Oh, us bears are supposed to stay on the outside-
Tom Phillips: KUNG FU PANDA JUST USED THE WUXI FINGER HOLD ON FAZBEAR!
Magnus: THAT move you know?
Tom Phillips: My dates like children’s movies.
Magnus: Not even going to touch that, but you also got it wrong – that was a big boot.
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Fazbear is knocked back into the stack of tables, causing the pyramid to collapse. Dirty Byrd is left dangling high above the ring, hanging onto the titles for dear life.
Freddy Fazbear: Whoops.
Dirty Byrd: Whatdoyameanwhoops? GETMEALADDER!
Kung Fu Panda charges in again, punching the Freddy head off of XHF Shockmaster. Before Shockmaster can counter, Kung Fu Panda has him by the throat. Reaching up Shockmaster grabs Po’s head – so that the second costume rips off too as the cycloptic Colossus Rhodes chokeslams Shockmaster through a table.
Dirty Byrd: Crap.
Colossus Rhodes: An eye for an eye, Byrd. You took mine – so I wrote down a list of limbs and organs I intend to deep fry in exchange.
Dirty Boyd: DON’T BE AFRAID TO USE YOUR NAILS BOYS!
Paddington Bear, Rupert, Ted, Baloo, Bungle and Gentle Ben – all looking more like men in bear suits than bears themselves, break free from the pack.
Magnus: A half dozen bears have just hit the ring, and attacking Rhodes with chains. Rhodes generally ignores the whips, even as his skin splits – and starts unloading with punches of his own, revealing Ted to be XHF Max Mini.
Tom Phillips: The bears in the ring all seem to be part of Dirty Byrd’s XHF Knockoff Army.
Magnus: FAKE WWF WRESTLERS AS FAKE BEARS! THE SACRILEGE! IS NOTHING SACRED?
Tom Phillips: It looks like Big Bad Bear feels equally incensed - also entering the ring, and taking Paddington Bear down with a spinning bear fist!
Magnus: Gentle Ben by way of XHF Mantaur gives up on whipping Rhodes to charge Triple B – but gets taken out with a Bear Bomb right through a table!
Every big move shakes the ring, and causes the titles to vibrate too – much to the concern of the hanging Byrd.
Magnus: Triple B is on fire – taking out fake bear after fake bear with those spinning bear fists. It almost looks like pinball!
Tom Phillips: And Colossus Rhodes launching Shockmaster out of the ring with- uh- some kind of throw.
Magnus: Byrd brought a personal army to ensure victory, but it looks like all his bodyguards are being sent packing.
Tom Phillips: Baloo knocked down, and Triple B with the worm!
Magnus: The Bear!!!
The fake bears are sent outside, their costumes torn enough, that the regular bears seem confused and angry. The brawl continues outside, but inside the ring Colossus Rhodes and Triple B stand triumphant.
Tom Phillips: Looks like Off the Wagon won’t just have to worry about UrsusLa and Goldbear II – as these two are showing a ton of chemi-
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Magnus: Triple B NAILS the already bloody Colossus Rhodes with a Bear Bomb through a table – after all Rhodes was pretending to be a bear too. And seeing the fracas outside, Triple B can’t help himself – suicide dive into the mass of bears! HOW DID HE FIT THROUGH THOSE ROPES!
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*EXPLOSION*
Suddenly Mecha GoldBear II starts to spit up oil.
Tom Phillips: Something is up with Mecha GoldBear II-
Magnus: Probably just growing pains from the reactivation. I was thinking that Wombat Junior would be a John Connor style orphan for Mecha GoldBear II to become a surrogate father too...
Oil then starts spurting out of Mecha GoldBear’s chest- more smoke- and mini explosions.
Magnus: I don’t remember him doing tha-AAAAAH!
CHESTBURST!
Wombat Possessed By The Demonic Spirit of Venom suddenly rips out of Mecha Goldbear II’s chest cavity, not unlike an ALIEN chestburster. Mecha Goldbear II falls to his knees, trying to hold his bolts in place while leaking a lot of fluid. Wombat is no longer the closest thing the XHF has to a babyface, but has the lengthy claws and blood red eyes of a Kandarian demon.
Wombat IS Venom: I’LL SWALLOW YOUR SOULS!
Magnus: OH NO! Wombat has once again been possessed by the evil ghost of Venom!
Tom Phillips: But Venom isn’t dead, so maybe it’s a different ghost?
Wombat IS Venom: YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL!
Magnus: Sounds just like Venom. Well, I don’t know what spirit inhabits Wombat’s corpse, it might be Venom, maybe we don't have the real one, could be the late Redmond Fury - I just know that demon dragged Dylan Black to the best match of his career!
Spitting acid, Demonic Venom Wombat starts slashing at anything near him with razor sharp claws. It doesn’t take long before fake bears and real bears are stampeding away.
Magnus: WAIT, COME BACK HERE WITH MY BEARS!
With all the distractions, Greg Adkins is able to sneak out of his table fort. Picking up a ladder as he sneaks behind GoldBear II into the ring.
Dirty Byrd: What’s going on, it’s hard to see from this angle.
Entering the ring, Greg hits Dirty Byrd with the ladder. Then again. After the sixth swat, Byrd finally lets go – falling through some overturned tables that break his fall.
#CRASH#
Outside, Booboo is distracted by the demon long enough for UrsusLa to press the advantage, avalanching both him and Yogi into the steel steeps. Adkins brings the ladder down across Rhodes back a few times to make sure there are no further distractions, before setting it up.
Tom Phillips: Greg again climbing that ladder – a bit slow, as his testicles have definitely swollen to the size of grapefruits.
Magnus: But Byrd is physically wrecked, and Wombat might be legally dead. Nothing stopping him from-
Colossus Rhodes starts to come too, only to get dragged out of the ring by Demonic Venom. The two begin trading brutal shots.
Tom Phillips: Here Greg comes- almost-
The ladder shakes. Greg looks down to find UrsusLa climbing after him. This causes him to climb faster-
Magnus: You can’t out climb a bear. What is he going to do in the wild? Climb a tree?
Tom Phillips: Greg kicking down, and UrsusLa catching her foot in her mouth-
Magnus: BITE-PLEX – channelling another patented Dinosaur Bones move, sends Greg crashing into the overturned in-ring tables with Byrd. THIS IS IT! URSUSLA PROVES THAT BEARS ARE BOTH THE SUPERIOR SPECIES AND BEST FAUENIX TITLE HOLDERS!
UrsusLa arrives at the top of the ladder, looks at the titles, then down at Greg Adkins and Dirty Byrd – and something snaps in her.
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Magnus: MOONSAULT OFF THE LADDER ONTO GRE-
#SMASH#
Tom Phillips: OH MY GOD!
Magnus: THE RING BROKE! THE RING BROKE!
Tom Phillips: The two tons of Grizzly just crashed through the canvas leaving a massive hole where Greg Adkins and Byrd used to be!
Magnus: We no longer have bear insurance – can I get some paramedics out here!
Tom Phillips: Wait, who is that-
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Crowd: MASSIVE POP!
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Tom Phillips: HE’S BACK!
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Redmond Fury crawls out of the hole.
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Tom Phillips: YOU DIDN’T KILL HIM!
Magnus: I didn’t? I mean of course – Fury’s alive!
He looks like he’s spent the past seven months inside a bear, and his stomach still has a nasty and infected looking wound care of Byrd, but even half dead - Redmond Fury is free.
The audience chant Fury, welcoming back the longest reigning Phoenix champion in the title’s history.
Fury’s eyes gaze at the ceiling, where he notices his title.
Barely able to move, Fury stars to climb the ladder now precariously at the edge of the hole, using the last of his strength to move towards the one thing that kept him going for much of the past year.
Tom Phillips: He’s doing it!
Magnus: He didn’t set the record for nothing-
Tom Phillips: HE’S REALLY DOING IT!
Magnus: Redmond Fury is within arm’s reach-
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When Greg Adkins grabs his ankle.
Magnus: Adkins insisting that an official participant wins this – they were my money for feud of the year.
Tom Phillips: Fury so close to getting the Phoenix back, but in his weakened state, being pulled back by Greg.
“RAAAAAAWR!”
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Also emerging from the hole is Dinosaur Bones, who looks larger than usual.
Magnus: DINOSAUR BONES IS HERE TOO – AND HE DOESN’T LOOK HAPPY!
The villainous Dracolich climbs out of the hole. Standing up on the canvas, Bones tilts his head biting up into Fury’s already damaged midsection – and flailing him around. Greg who is also hanging on gets taken for the ride, which knocks the ladder around and smashes them through any remaining tables. As Fury stops fighting, Bones lets him fall to the outside of the ring.
Magnus: If Fury had any plans to regain that title, Bones and Greg Adkins just stopped those-
Leaving the ring, Dinosaur Bones’ tail hits the nest of Phoenix titles knocking them off their hook.
Magnus: Wait, the titles knocked loose and-
DING! DING! DING!
Tom Phillips: Who caught them?
Magnus: THE WINNER OF THIS MATCH AND UNDISPUTED PHOENIX CHAMPION DIRTY BYRD
The results barely register, as all the participants are basically broken.
Tom Phillips: What a match! Finally a clear Phoenix champion, but how clear is it? At least part of a Bobby Walden title is floating around, and Fury only appeared at the end. And you know between Adkins, UrsusLa and Byrd – Fury has a lot of business to take care of. Hell, I wonder how happy he’ll be when he sees Wombat’s impression. Can anyone exorcize the demonic entity from Wombat, or will Metal Goldbear II have to raise his son? Far more questions than answers! True to its name, the Phoenix division is on fire.
Magnus: Mongo is going to be pissed, but who cares. We knew it would be one for the record books, but GUNS delivers all your hot bear act- uh.
Waving off some paramedics, Redmond Fury rises to his feet.
In the front row, Wombat Junior looks concerned that his demonically possessed father seems to have disappeared. Slowly shoving bolts back into the gapping hole in it's chest, Mecha Goldbear II takes Wombat Junior by the hand and escorts him out.
At the appearance of Fury, a terrified Byrd runs away – hoping that his army of XHF superstars dressed as bears haven’t left with his wheels.
Unaware of Byrd, Redmond Fury limps up to the announce position. He can barely move, but Magnus still doesn’t like his chances in a fight against the muscular behemoth. Fury looks down at the cheque, then his gaze fixes on his alleged “spouse.” This is news.
Magnus: Fury, I never gave up on you!
Redmond Fury: Thanks Magnus – I guess that’s why you didn’t send help, and declared me legally dead.
Magnus: Uh, you see- about that-
Redmond Fury: It happens. I’m out now. And on the list of people I need to catch up with, well, you don’t have to worry, Magnus.
Magnus: That’s very big of you.
Redmond Fury: BUT I DO WANT A DIVORCE, AND I’M TAKING YOU FOR EVERY PENNY YOU’VE GOT!
Crowd: MONSTER POP!
Magnus: It’s not fair. I’m the good guy here. I was going to be stinking rich.
Redmond Fury: AND YOU CAN TAKE THAT TO THE BANK, BECAUSE PRETTY SOON YOU WON’T HAVE AN ACCOUNT WITH THEM!
Magnus: Why meeeee?
Fury climbs up on the announcer table, and raises his arms in triumph while the crowd chants his name.
“HOOOOOOOOOOOOWL”
“All rise fore the king of all wolves now arrives.”
The voice of James Earl Mother Fucking Jones echos over the speakers. How did he get James Earl Jones to say that? It wasn’t a Cameo I’ll tell you that and it cost a pretty penny. Shortly after James Earl Jones speaks Big Sean’s “Wolves” begins to play. The stage lights up with a spotlight and smoke fills the stage. Two men dressed as royal guards walk out and produce swords. They turn and point them into the air touching near the tips and El Rey walks out wearing a crown with the BDDWF Ultimate Championship side plate front and center in the middle of the Crown. Waving in the breeze from fans under the stage is a red cape with the side plates of the other 22 championships that comprise the X*Crown sewn in. El Rey looks around at the booing audience before lifting his head raising his nose in the air showing his superiority over everyone in the audience. He walks under the two swords and makes his way to the ring. He walks up the stairs and steps into the ring. He asks for a mic and is tossed on from the time keepers table.
El Rey: Tonight, as many of you may know already, I had big plans. I was flying in a world beater from Japan that I have never faced before. Someone who was so dominant during their time that your heads would explode just by the fact that they showed up here. Unfortunately…[/i]
Massive amounts of boos from the crowd.
El Rey: They had visa issues and could not make it. Don’t fear, though, because I had a backup plan. Tonight, I face a GUNS original. Tonight I face a bonafide XHF legend. Allow me to welcome, KEN. IN. THE. BOX!
Obscure Japanese music plays and Ken in the Box comes out onto stage. He smiles from ear to ear as he walks down the ramp slapping hands with the crowd. He climbs in the ring with some help from the ref.
Magnus: Give a kid an inch, and he takes a mile.
Phillips: I know it’s not the money match you’ve been waiting for, but I heard this was going to be the return to the XHF Network of a recent world beater.
Magnus: I doubt it. The kid is smart I’ll give him that.
Phillips: I heard it was supposed to be someone who’s defeated big names like Brad Swann and Darlene Price.
Magnus: I want to like him and believe him Tom? But he played us all.
X*Crown Championship
El Rey (c) vs Ken in the Box
El Rey immediately calls for a test of strength with the XHF legend. They lock up and immediately El Rey is bent backwards. El Rey try’s to battle holding himself up bridged back, but Ken in the Box pushes and drops the Champ on his back. He pins the knuckles to the mat and the ref makes the count. 1-2, El Rey bridges out. El Rey pushes up with on shoulder, but Ken pushes back down, only for El Rey to lift the other shoulder. Ken forces that back down and El Rey in one swift motion lifts his legs up and digs them into Ken’s box pushing him up and over his head. Ken’s back hits the ropes and he bounces off and back over El Rey and onto his feet. El Rey is pulled back up to his feet in the process hands still locked. Ken releases one hand and pulls El Rey in nailing him with a short arm close line.
Magnus: The legend is in rare form tonight.
Phillips: And you thought this was a joke.
El Rey rolls away to the ropes as Ken celebrates his big offensive start. El Rey slams his hand into the mat and pulls himself up with the ropes. He looks to Ken who has finished celebrating and is eyeing the champ. He again calls for a lock up and El Rey looks angry over it, but holds his arms up and heads towards the boxed man. El Rey going through that again and drops his hands last minute and kicks Ken in the mid box that was already dented from the boots to the box earlier. Ken doubles over, as much as he can being clad in a box, and El Rey doesn’t let up and begins laying in kicks to the left and right of the box. Ken tries to block but El Rey kicks through the arms of the boxed man caving in the sides of the box. Ken looks exhausted from the blows and El Rey leaps up and delivers a kick to the side of the head knocking Ken down.
Phillips: El Rey quickly regains control.
Magnus: This is what he had planned all along, I guarantee it.
Ken is down and out, but El Rey does not go for the pin. Instead he stomps away at the different areas of the box caving it in and causing tears in the box. El Rey seems to be on a mission as he stomps and stomps. Soon a huge tear emerges and El Rey rips at it pulling off chunks of box. Ken tries to hold onto the box with all his might, but El Rey is vicious and unrelenting. Soon we hear Ken scream “I quit” to stop the destruction.
Winner via submission and STILL X*Crown Champion: El Rey
Magnus: That was sadly about what I expected. This was supposed to be our main event. This was supposed to be our big go home match before the Rumble.
Phillips: It doesn’t look like the Champ is done. He’s got a mic in hand.
In the ring El Rey is pacing with a mic in hand.
El Rey: This is it? This was all I could find in short notice and it was pathetic. I’m not done, though. I am here to prove why I don’t need to compete at the Rumble and I didn’t even break a sweat. So bring me someone else. Next person in this ring gets a shot too.
While El Rey was talking L.A. Wombat has slid in the ring to console his friend and tag team partner. He was not paying attention to what El Rey was saying, but El Rey spots him and walks over to the former Faunix Champion.
X*Crown Championship Match
El Rey (c) vs L.A. Wombat
El Rey slaps Wombat in the shoulder causing Wombat to stand up and turn to face the Champion. El Rey points to Wombats chest and then to his. Wombat looks angry at what the teenager did to his friend and shakes his head no. El Rey yells out “too late, the bell rang” and smirks.
Magnus: L.A. Wombat just went through hell in a tables, ladders and bears match and now El Rey is forcing him into a match. This kid is despicable.
Phillips: I don’t know. If Wombat is still possessed from earlier he might be in trouble here.
Clearly he’s not still possessed as he attacks in anger and locks in a wrist lock. El Rey looks at the cosplayer and smiles as Wombat wrenches with all his might, but it doesn’t seem to bother the champ much. Even though he doesn’t seem bothered the ref asks El Rey if he quits. El Rey says no, but points at Ken laying on the mat like he’s worried about interference. This causes the ref to look away and the second he does El Rey pokes Wombat in the eyes and pulls him in by the arm spinning him around in the process. He crosses the arm of Wombat from behind and suplexes him over with a cross armed German for Xed Out and the pin for the win.
Winner via pinfall and STILL X*Crown Champion: El Rey
Phillips: Wow. Two opponents defeated in under ten minutes. What a show by the champ.
Magnus: More like a joke.
East L.A. Wombat runs down and slides in the ring to check on his cousin. El Rey smirks and calls for the bell to ring.
X*Crown Championship Match
El Rey (c) vs East L.A. Wombat
East L.A. Wombat is in his knees checking on his cousin when he hears the bell ring and looks around confused. He sees El Rey charging at him a second too late as he’s met with a knee to the face from a shinning wizard. El Rey quickly covers and gets the win.
Winner via pinfall and STILL X*Crown Champion: El Rey
Phillips: Amazing. Three wins in one night!
Magnus: Okay, this might be good for ratings.
El Rey: Who else is back there? Send me out!
The sounds of an ATV revving can be heard and the ATV bandit rides out down the ramp and crashes into the ring apron and springs off and onto the ring apron. He climbs in and gets in the face of the Champ. El Rey quickly kicks him in the dick and calls for the bell.
X*Crown Championship Match
El Rey (c) vs the ATV Bandit
El Rey grabs the doubled over ATV Bandit and nails him with a DDT. Cover and the pin.
Winner via pinfall and STILL X*Crown Champion: El Rey
Phillips: That was fast.
Magnus: Send out the jobbers!
El Rey pops up grinning from ear to ear and calls for more. That’s when Harsh Winter Pilgrim comes stumbling on stage as if he was pushed out. He reluctantly makes his way down to the ring and walks up the steps and in.
X*Crown Championship Match
El Rey (c) vs Harsh Winter Pilgrim
El Rey puts his arms behind his back and calls for the Pilgrim to take his best shot. The Pilgrim moves in slowly and carefully and rears back and swings. El Rey ducks and lifts the rookie up on his shoulders and spins him around and drops him on his feet with a reverse DDT for E-Reytio Version 3. Another cover and another pin.
Winner via pinfall and STILL X*Crown Champion: El Rey
Magnus: I forgot I even signed that guy!
El Rey laughing gets back up to his feet and looks to the ramp area and calls for more. Harrington Hart the Wrestling Detective gets pushed out onto the ramp. He looks around, but he’s cut off by Christian Velez the cousin of El Rey. El Rey’s smile fades at the sight of a real wrestler and rolls out of the ring. Christian sprints down the ring and slides in.
Magnus: Uh oh. A real wrestler.
Phillips: And a family member who knows his style. How will he combat this?
X*Crown Championship Match
El Rey (c) vs Christian Velez
Christian did not notice El Rey sneak out while he was sprinting and slide back in with a steel chair. Christian turns towards the champ and
WHACK!
El Rey nails his cousin with a steel chair.
Winner by disqualification: Christian Velez
STILL X*Crown Champion: El Rey
Phillips: We’ll that’s how.
Ryan Velez runs down the ramp and slides in to check on his cousin and tag team partner and El Rey smirks as the bell rings again.
X*Crown Championship Match
El Rey (c) vs Ryan Velez
Ryan hears the bell ring and turns around to the same fate as his cousin.
WHACK!
The ref calls for the bell as Ryan crumbles next to his cousin.
Winner by disqualification: Ryan Velez
STILL X*Crown Champion: El Rey
Phillips: We don’t have enough medics to handle this carnage.
Magnus: You sound just like Sophie.
Phillips: Who?
Magnus: Sophie, my assistant. She tells me all the time we don’t have enough medics to handle a roster this size.
Phillips: Isn’t that from a game?
Magnus: Yeah, I can’t afford a real assistant.
El Rey continues to laugh as his uncle and mentor Charlie Velez slides in the ring. He quickly checks on his brother and cousin and then turns to his nephew to try and talk the champ down. Unfortunately for him, the ref calls for the bell.
X*Crown Championship Match
El Rey (c) vs Charlie Velez
Charlie puts his arms up in defense, but El Rey swings through the arms of his uncle.
WHACK!
Charlie hits the mat hard.
Winner by disqualification: Charlie Velez
STILL X*Crown Champion: El Rey
Phillips: His own uncle!
Magnus: A retention over Charlie will be huge in the record books for El Rey.
Phillips: Who could possibly still step in that ring?
As if ready to answer the question Venom, El Rey’s own dad slides in. He looks at his son and holds his arm up to stop him while he checks on his brother-in-law. The bell rings.
X*Crown Championship Match
El Rey (c) vs Venom
Venom sighs as he hears the bell ring. He turns and his son flashes him a sadistic smile before swinging for the fences.
WHACK!
Venom crumbles to the mat.
Winner via Disqualification: Venom
STILL X*Crown Champion: El Rey
Phillips: His own dad! Someone needs to stop this.
Magnus: There are bodies everywhere. This is great.
Uh oh. The next person to slide in the ring is Tracy, the wife of Venom and Mother of El Rey. She doesn’t seem to notice her son as she kneels down next to her husband.
Magnus: He wouldn’t?
Phillips: He might.
Magnus: Please don’t ring that bell.
It’s too late. The bell rings and El Rey looks conflicted.
X*Crown Championship Match
El Rey (c) vs Tracy
Tracy does not react to the ringing of the bell, probably because she doesn’t think her son would dare. He does dare and swings slowly.
WHACK!
Tracy barely feels it, but it’s enough for the DQ.
Winner via Disqualification: Tracy
STILL X*Crown Champion: El Rey
Phillips: He did it. The crazy bastard did it.
Magnus: He probably should’ve laid her out. Now he’s in deep shit.
Tracy stands up and gives that look only a mother can pull off and El Rey backs up and rolls out of the ring. El Rey drops his friend the steel chair and recovers his crown and cape and exits laughing as the Gun Show fades off the air.
Magnus: Looks like this is it. The champ did not disappoint successful defending ten times in one night!
Phillips: If this is his last night as champ he went out with a bang.
Magnus: Tune in this weekend to the Rumble to find out if this is the end. Thank you, and goodnight!
Magnus: Welcome to the Gun Show!
Phillips: We've got a hot show tonight.
Magnus: Just a few short days after our Easter Special and we're getting another X*Crown Championship.
Phillips: I'm ready to see who he faces tonight. Rumor has it, it's a star who was huge in Japan.
Magnus: We'll have to wait to see because first up is Nelly with a special guest.
We cut backstage where we find XHF Junior Heavyweight Champion Nelly Angel. He stands in one of those giant plastic balls with a mic in hand. The camera crops in tight on the Champ and he takes a deep breath and says.
Nelly: Just a few days away from defending my title against a man covered in peni and just moments before my warm up match I am tasked with, what I’m told is my “real job,” interviewing Goldbear II.
The camera pans out and now standing next to the bubble is the massive Bear Necessities Champion Goldbear II.
Nelly: Welcome back Goldy. I must ask, where have you been?
Goldbear II let’s out a growl and paws at his chin.
Nelly: Yeah, you took a lot of damage to the face in that boxing match. You look well healed now though. What brings you back?
Goldbear II roars and points to the poster behind the two that is an advertisement for tonight’s unification match, a table, ladders and bears match.
Nelly: Makes sense that you’d be involved in such a match. Do you have a favorite?
Goldbear II blushes, we think.
Nelly: Of course UrsaLa would be your favorite. Last question, and I apologize for having to ask, is your beef with Goldbear finished.
Goldbear II let’s out a bone chilling roar and then swipes at the ball protecting the Junior Heavyweight Champion. The ball pops and leaks air collapsing on Nelly as Goldbear II walks off camera.
Nelly: I guess that was a no. Back to the boys at ring side.
The lights drop down so that only the entranceway and the ring are illuminated as a deep, throaty, laugh not unlike that of Lemmy of Motorhead gargles over the PA system. However, just as soon as it started it is replaced by the treble-busting vocals of Freddy Mercury of Queen dropping a red hot ballad on y’all. Specifically, “Play the Game” by Queen. As the song persists, “The Mental Killer” Kris “Triple Quake” Quake and “The Corn Snake” Randy Angel- better known as Off the Wagon- walk out. Well, walk is being generous, Randy is stumbling drunk- still drinking from a flask- and Quake’s walk is more of a waddle since he appears to be trying to flex all several of his muscles at the same time. They make there way to the ring and have microphones in hand.
Phillips: The tag team champions are here! They’re not on my schedule!
Magnus: We have a schedule?
Phillips: How do you own this company?
: Ladies and gentlemen, the Borgs are continuing on their foolish quest to come after these tag team titles that we rightfully won! We all know that if they faced us, they would go down hard.
: I love to go down hard.
: But we know they won’t even make it to us, because they still have three more teams to go through, and the ones we have for them to face tonight, are men on a mission! Men out for revenge for their fallen brother from another mother!
: I just watched a mother getting three teamed last night.
: Ladies and gentlemen, the healthy two-thirds of Contemporary Twenty-Four Hours! Coffee Kinison and Xander Forest
”It’s a Contemporary Twenty Four Hours, yes it!” shouts over the P.A., and then some gospel-ish music plays as two men emerge from the entryway. One of them has a trumpet, and is playing along with the music while gyrating his hips. Another is throwing waffles at the crowd. They enter the ring.
: Listen Wagon, we don’t like you. We want a shot at those belts. But first things first, we need to get some revenge on the Borgs! Their giant metal robot may be blown up, but he put our boy Huge D on the shelf! He’s still sitting at home with a broken freakin’ neck! And we will not let the Borgs go on unpunished for creating the monstrosity that did that to him now that we know they’re not dead.
: This one’s for you D!
: I got a huge D.
Magnus: We really need to stop letting Randy Angel have a microphone.
Phillip: No, I get it, I brag about that all the time too.
Off the Wagon leaves the ring as Coffee and Xander warm up, getting ready for their opponents. Just then, "Am I Evil" by Metallica hits the speakers and the stage fills with mist. Strobe lights go on all throughout the arena. Evil-Borg and Heavymetal-Borg come out together and Heavymetal-Borg is air guitaring to the music. They make their way to the ring throwing up the devil horns and threatening fans. They climb into the ring and Heavymetal head bangs until the match starts.
Phillip: Oh man, you can feel the tension in the air for this match.
Magnus: These guys are out for revenge, the Borgs finally have a legitimate wrestling storyline!
Evil Borg charges at Coffee and hits him from behind, sending him out of the ring. The bell rings as Xander turns to hit Evil, but Heavy Metal Borg runs up from behind and elbows Xander in the back of the head! The ref is trying to regain some order and making Evil Borg leave the ring. As he’s distracted, Xander turns around and gets the Purple Haze sprayed in his face! Heavy then gets him in a small package. The ref turns around. 1, 2, 3!
Phillip: And just like that, it’s over!
Magnus: Wow, these guys suck at revenge.
Phillip: I know, that was worse than their showing at the grandest stage of them all.
Magnus: Chippendales?
Phillip: What?
Magnus: What?
Evil and Heavy Metal celebrate their win as Xander rolls out of the ring trying to wipe the mist out of his eyes. Coffee comes over to console him, when Quake delivers the Drought right to Coffee’s face!
: You idiots! You suck! Now they’re one step closer!
: And your waffles taste stale!
Evil Borg grabs a mic.
: You two think these trials will stop us? We’re going to out evil you at every turn! Because we are eeeeeeeeevil! MWUA HA HA HA HA!
: WOOOOOP!
Randy and Quake grab their titles and leave with anger in their eyes as the Borgs continue to celebrate in the ring.
Backstage earlier today. The now Unboxed Ken sits in the locker room. Finally out of the hospital and back at the arena, but he looks lost. He sits staring off into space when the X*Crown Champion El Rey walks in. He smiles as he sees the GUNS OG and walks over to him.
El Rey: Good to see you back Ken.
Unboxed Ken: Don’t patronize me kid. This may be the first time we’ve met, but your reputation proceeds you.
El Rey: Now now Ken. Don’t go believing everything you’ve heard. I’m my fathers son after all, you know my dad, the one who plucked you out of obscurity and gave you a job again.
Unboxed Ken: Yeah, then he and his partner promptly beat me and my buddy Wombat up. Then he threw me in with a bear.
El Rey: Well don’t worry, I don’t have a bear up my sleeve, but I did leave a present in your locker if you’ll do me a favor.
Unboxed Ken: What is is?
El Rey: The present or the favor?
Unboxed Ken: Both.
El Rey: The present is a surprise that’s going to make you say yes to my favor.
Unboxed Ken: What’s the favor then.
El Rey: Face me tonight for the X*Crown. I had a big star lined up tonight, but travel issues have made them late.
Unboxed Ken: Sure you did. This is just a trick to beat me up, just like your dad.
El Rey: You’ll change your mind when you open your locker.
El Rey smirks and exits the room. Ken stares after him and watches the door for a bit. He seems conflicted, but finally caves and goes to his locker. Inside is a wrapped present. He unwraps it and finds just a box. A tear rolls down his cheek.
Unboxed Ken: Yes.
Ken slides the box on and a smile overtakes his face. Ken in the Box stands and checks himself out as we cut back to ringside.
Tom Phillips: We are jam packed and ready for this next match, ladies and gentlemen! We have The XHF Junior Heavyweight Champion, Nelly Angel taking on former SWAT Women’s Champion, Blaze Freya! She was hot on The XHF Network before, let’s see if she’s gotten any hotter over the years!
Magnus: Oh would you be professional for once, Tom? The Blackpool Bombshell isn’t just another pretty face and Nelly Angel isn’t only a current Champion, he’s a multi-time former champion who I for one think is going to teach Blaze a valuable lesson in learning to walk before she runs.
Tom Phillips: This is GUNS afterall, though! Anything can happen!
"Rip it Up" by Jet hits as the crowd gets on their feet. Nelly Angel comes out, pumped for his match and takes off down the ramp, sliding into the ring for another loud pop when he gets there. He's ready for a hot match with one of the hottest!
Magnus: The definition of pro-wrestling, everybody.
Tom Phillips: What does that even mean, Magnus?
Magnus: Shut it, Tom.
The arena darkens and fans erupt into loud cheers as “Collapsing” by Demon Hunter blasts through the speakers. Red, pink and purple lights flicker on and off in rapid succession creating a beautiful strobe effect over the stage as none other than The Blackpool Bombshell herself, Blaze Freya comes out from behind the curtain, walking backwards onto the stage with a charismatic strut. Her black hood covers her lowered head until she spins around triggering the lights to brighten to reveal her gorgeous face as she removes the hood, headbanging with the fans a bit. She nods in approval hearing the roar of the crowd, feeding off of their excitement then rolls her shoulders a few times, sprinting down the ramp and sliding into the center of the ring, humping it briefly. Blaze then leans back on her knees running her fingers through her long fiery locks, flirtatiously winking at the nearest camera before standing up to her feet and walking back to her corner.
Nelly Angel vs Blaze Freya
Tom Phillips: She sure looks hotter to me!
Magnus: And as usual you look like a jackass to the majority of our viewers. Do you even read your email?
Tom Phillips: Don’t bother with hatemail, Magnus. It’s no good for the human soul.
Magnus: The bell rings, we are underway and Angel offers a handshake to the newest member of our roster, perhaps welcoming her aboard. Blaze looks down at his hand, then out at the crowd before she sticks her right hand down the front of her tights and NOW she accepts the handshake! Nelly looks taken aback, just wiping his hand off on his leg. I’m sure this is more your speed.
Tom Phillips: Oh yeah! He shoots in for a collar & elbow, he twists the arm and takes her back- and what’s this!? Blaze is backing it up on Nelly! He releases the hold and steps back shaking a finger at her in disapproval, they share a smirk as he rushes for an Irish whip.
Magnus: Blaze Freya runs and rebounds off the ropes, Angel pops her up into a SPINE BUSTER!!! She looked like a ragdoll there! Nasty impact slapping the back of her head against the mat. He hooks the legs looking to make this a short night for Freya!
ONE!!
.
.
.
.
And she kicks out!
Tom Phillips: Nelly gets her up to her feet, hits her with two open palm slaps and a backhand to complete the combo! She’s dazed as he goes for the springboard dropkick and Freya side-steps slapping his legs on the way down as he gets a face and stomach FULL of canvas! She then runs and handsprings off the ropes while he’s rising to a kneeling position just in time for a headscissor DDT which sticks him into the mat like an arrow. His body collapses leaving him vulnerable for his long crawl to the corner.
Magnus: Nelly Angel looks dazed after that DDT left him in a perfect headstand for a few seconds. Blaze roll flips forward twice into a CODEBREAKER- NO! He catches the legs and reverses into a Liontamer but luckily for Blaze they’re in the corner and she easily gets to the ropes before it’s fully applied! She’s hanging on for dear life and the ref is counting-
ONE!
TWO!
Tom Phillips: HE RIPS HER AWAY FROM THE ROPES!!! Angel is dragging Freya to the middle of the ring and reapplies!!! She’s gonna tap! Pulling at her own hair now trying to resist the urge to give up under pressure, she raises her right hand up high! She’s had enough-
Magnus: NO! Blaze reverses, using all the strength in her legs plus a lot of adrenaline I’m sure, to send Nelly flying across the second rope in a turn of events that leaves Blaze in the driver’s seat now!
Tom Phillips: The Blackpool Bombshell’s doing everything she can to prove her worth to these fans here tonight, but how much can her body withstand? She can barely get to her feet, even with the help of the ropes.
Magnus: Nelly still draped over the ropes, Blaze notices and starts to scale to the top turnbuckle. What’s this!? She jumps for a diving leg drop and Nelly MOVES!!! He dodged all of that and Freya on the other hand did not! First her back, now she has landed tailbone-first on the hardest part of the ring! You can hear her screams of agony on impact, this is why it’s called the high-risk district. Sometimes it pays off, sometimes you end up falling flat on your ass!
Tom Phillips: And what an ass it is, Magnus. Nelly now stalking her recovery on the outside, he rolls out to the apron standing up without looking away from Freya. She’s getting up but heavily leaning on the barricade for support. He runs and jumps! HURRICANRANA! She FLIES into the steel steps!!!
Magnus: I’ve never before seen those steps disassemble in that way. She might be our first debut injury with bumps like those.
Tom Phillips: Well, Nelly Angel doesn’t seem to be concerned with that as he plays to the crowd a bit before scooping her up and dominantly rolling her into the ring like she was extra luggage! He again plays to the fans, rolling back inside himself to see a worn out Blaze Freya has risen up to her knees in the middle of the ring and she’s taunting him! He walks over and she uses his gear to get up to her feet.
Magnus: The crowd is going absolutely WILD as these two have a little stare down before she SLAPS him across the face! Nelly fires back with a stiff European Uppercut, Freya spins and hits him with a discus elbow to the side of the temple which drops him to a knee, almost out of instinct he blasts her with another European Uppercut this time knocking her across the ring! She springboards off the ropes with a European Uppercut of her own and now they’re both down!
Tom Phillips: They both came out guns blazing, no pun intended, they both have sacrificed life and limb to get to this point of the match; what will they have to do to end this?
Magnus: It might be as simple as going for a cover, which is exactly what Freya does, just tossing an arm over the chest of The XHF Junior Heavyweight Champion!
ONE!!
.
.
.
.
.
.
HE GETS THE SHOULDER UP!!!!
Tom Phillips: Forget ending it! What do they have to do to even slow the other one down!? Two pinfall attempts, two kickouts at ONE! This is the level of competition he demands, this non-stop, hard-hitting action is where he is at his best and we’re seeing it right here tonight.
Magnus: And don’t forget about GUNS newest superstar, Blaze Freya who came right in and challenged a CHAMPION for her debut match. Talk about choosing your battles, she chose the hardest battle there was!
Tom Phillips: Both competitors up on their knees, Freya begging for more which isn’t the wisest request to make when fighting for your life in there. Angel hits her with a left elbow strike that knocks her so far back her shoulders touch the mat before she slowly wobbles forward into a right one that crumbles her as soon as it lands! She’s huffing and puffing against his chest, leaning on him and he pulls her head back taunting her perhaps as they rise up to their feet.
Magnus: Nelly with a BRUTAL European Uppercut making a statement here by dropping Freya once more. He climbs up to the top calling for On Angels Wings- Freya is UP, though! She runs and with one clean jump lands on the top rope behind him, locking in The Blackpool Blackout! Her trademarked rear naked choke is locked in on the top rope! Nelly collapses and lands on top of Blaze but she hardly budges at all and it seems she has tightened the choke!
Tom Phillips: The ref is checking on the two of them, he lifts Angel’s hand and it falls to the mat- he’s out!
Magnus: Here is your winner by submission! The Blackpool Bombshell, BLAAAAAZE! FREEEEEEEYAAAAA!!!!!
Tom Phillips: Nothing to be ashamed of, both wrestlers left it all in the ring and I am excited to see where this young lady goes with the biggest debut victory we’ve seen in quite some time. Welcome back to The XHF Network, Blaze! And welcome to GUNS!
Magnus: Do you think this could lead to a rematch, Tom? These fans were eating it up!
Tom Phillips: Let’s not get too carried away, Magnus. Just know that two of the best in the business just set the bar that much higher for our competition.
The following advertisement is paid and sponsored by Snickers.
SNICKERS!
You're not the same when you're hungry.
Have a Snickers!
Don't be a Bear!
(the voice Gulps audibly)
Goldbear II is seen eating a massive pile of snickers. Letting out a massive bear roar with chocolate all over his lips and on his teeth. Nobody told Goldbear II what to do, this was barely a commercial and more of a holdup from the GUNS star.
Magnus: The last time the XHF used this stipulation was on the first week of the 2020 End of Days, where the Purple Emperors were able to get past The Masters of the Mat.
Tom Phillips (clearly uncomfortable being close to so many dangerous bears): I can’t imagine why it isn’t used more often.
Magnus: There is a real bias against bears in the XHF – why, any other wrestling network has 90% more bear content then we do. The one exception was CWA, I tried to warn them that they needed at least 20% bears, but they didn’t listen, and we all know how that ended.
Tom Phillips: You certainly have a lot of bears in this-
Magnus: Almost the entire Bearnecessities division, including champ GoldBear II, we have managed to coax Triple B over... with a trail of peanuts, and we even reactivated Mecha GoldBear II for the occasion – it turns out we had the technology, we just didn’t want to spend a lot of money.
Tom Phillips: Is that wise?
Magnus: If Terminator 2 has taught me nothing, it’s that no bad can come from bringing back previous robots once considered evil. Why I’m sure there’s some young child who is destined to lead the future resistance against our metal bear overlords, and desperately needs a father figure in Mecha GoldBear II.
Tom Phillips: ....And what exactly is this match?
Magnus: We take every version of the phoenix title, and hang them from the rafters. The winner is the person who retrieves them all – only you need a ladder for that, and those are outside the ring where the bears dwell.
Tom Phillips: Seems pointlessly dangerous.
Magnus: Everyone will see that GUNS is where the REAL Bears play – and if we lose a few participants along the way? Well, I’ll have been justified in all my bear insurance, and people will stop saying my dear departed husband’s death was premeditated.
Tom Phillips: But this sounds premeditated...
PHOENIX DIVISION UNIFICATION
TABLES, LADDERS, AND BEARS MATCH
XHF Phoenix Champion
Dirty Byrd ©
Vs.
Fauenix Champion
L.A. Wombat ©
Vs.
NEW Fauenix Champion
UrsusLa ©
Vs.
Bobby Walden Fauenix Champion
“Guttertrash” Greg Adkins ©
TABLES, LADDERS, AND BEARS MATCH
XHF Phoenix Champion
Dirty Byrd ©
Vs.
Fauenix Champion
L.A. Wombat ©
Vs.
NEW Fauenix Champion
UrsusLa ©
Vs.
Bobby Walden Fauenix Champion
“Guttertrash” Greg Adkins ©
UrsusLa seems more agitated than usual as a result of referee Blind Sonny Stubbs taking her belt. The other participants seem just as uncomfortable with her in the ring as they do with the carnivores roaming around outside of it. Wombat and Byrd seeming especially weary, having previously been eaten by the female grizzly.
Tom Phillips: Greg Adkins is the only participant that hasn’t been inside her.
Magnus: Story of his life.
As soon as the bell rings, Adkins cheapshots a distracted Wombat – a well placed kneelift to the kidney sending the future XHF Hall of Famer through the ropes. Wombat has to roll away from a Kodiak, narrowly avoiding getting mauled. With lightning reflexes the two time and longest reigning Fauenix champion dives back into the ring – where Adkins is waiting to stomp away. While Guttertrash goes to town, Dirty Byrd is doing everything in his power to put Greg and Wombat between him and a pissed off UrsusLa. He’s so caught up in using them as a shield, that Byrd doesn’t pay attention to the black bear clawing under the rope – a paw dragging the actual champion out of the ring.
Tom Phillips: The ropes aren’t much of a barrier, as Byrd pulled to the outside, and that black bear almost bites a piece out of his bottom!
Magnus: Sadly, Byrd able to leap back into the ring, only losing a few tail feathers. Give it time. Will get rid of that menace yet!
UrsusLa scratches her claws against the ring post – much to the approval of all the lumberjacks. Wombat rolls through an Adkins kick, and takes the former real champion over with a double leg takedown. The duo roll around the ring trading punches. Byrd leans through the ropes and demands one bear give him a ladder, almost like it were prearranged, only they all look alike to the Gobbledygooker and Triple B almost takes his head off. Staggering backwards into UrsusLa, the unpleasant birdman once again draws the beasts’ attention away from the post.
Magnus: What did I tell you? Dirty Byrd is as good as UrsusLa lunch. The grizzly chasing the odious creep around the ring, while Wombat and Adkins continue to roll around trading shots.
Tom Phillips: Wait, Byrd changing direction – jumps over the brawling pair, trying to put them in UrsusLa’s path!
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
Magnus: No, their punch exchanging roll inexplicable changing directions, and now rolling away from the rampaging bear – fast enough that Byrd has to leap over them again – right into a... well that looked like Dinosaur Bones’ Tail swipe? Not much of a tail but it sends Byrd flying!
Tom Phillips: Byrd grabbing the top rope to avoid hitting the floor, and again that black bear gets a mouthful of tail feathers.
Magnus: So close!
Byrd lands back in the ring, just in time to take another authoritative hip attack from the grizzly. Finally back to their feet, Wombat sends Adkins crashing into the corner with an Irish whip – following it in with a handspring elbow... only for Adkins to grab him by the waist – stagger out – then suplex Wombat’s neck into the turnbuckle. Putting a boot into Wombat’s throat, Adkins pushing Los Authentico’s head under the bottom rope where a brown bear starts licking it. With one foot still on the throat, Adkins uses his free leg to kick the brown bear in the head – trying to get a decapitating reaction. The bear growls, and seems ready to bite, but as Adkins retracts one leg – Wombat pulls the other one over for a dragon legwhip which also gets him back in the ring. Hanging onto the ankle, Wombat turns Adkins over for a half-boston only for Guttertrash to kick through – again sending Wombat crashing into the far post. On top of him, Adkins starts to choke Wombat against the top rope – only to eat a backfist. Undeterred, Adkins starts charging in again, only for Wombat to leap frog over him. Spinning, Adkins goes for a closeline – which L.A. matrixes under ...leaving only UrsusLa.
Magnus: Adkins accidentally hitting UrsusLa, drawing the bear’s attention!
Tom Phillips: UrsusLa trying to bite him, but Greg backpedalling – trying to pull Wombat in front as a shield – but he’s having none of it.
Magnus: HERE SHE COMES!
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
Magnus: GREG PULLING OUT A CAN OF BEAR SPRAY UNLOADS ON URSUSLA, BLINDING HER!
With the bear blinded, Dirty Byrd suddenly feels heroic enough to attack from behind – jumping on UrsusLa’s back with a rear naked choke. Realizing it might be in their best interest to take out the biggest threat, both Wombat and Adkins join in kicking away at the enraged grizzly. A double dropkick to the legs knocks UrsusLa backwards, squashing Byrd like a bug – but he hangs onto the choke. Soon the other two each have a claw, and are applying double spinning cross armbreakers – for a bit of triple teaming worthy of Kaientai.
Tom Phillips: It should be pointed out that the only way to win is via title retrieval, so even if UrsusLa taps it has no baring on the result.
Magnus: The human participants deciding the best way to proceed is to create a safe, bear free space....
Tom Phillips: And the bears on the outside don’t like it at all.
Magnus: Our lumberjacks have a clear favourite.
The bears are getting visibly upset at the gang beating, to the point where dozens of claws are coming under the ropes – and it looks like a few might climb into the ring.
Tom Phillips: They wisely release their holds. You have to feel for Wombat, Byrd, and Adkins – it’s an impossible situation. UrsusLa can basically kill them on a whim, but anything they try risks getting the two dozen bears at ringside into a bloodthirsty frenzy.
Dirty Byrd sucker punches the bear, only to again draw loud growls from all directions. The trio look uncomfortable, but again put the boots to the grizzly, then start to set her up a makeshift spike piledriver.
Magnus: Chancing fate – the triple teaming contin-
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
Tom Phillips: NAME!
Magnus: Goldbear II has had enough! The resident champion of bears can’t stomach this unsportsmanlike conduct any further – and enters the ring, hitting Wombat and Adkins with a double closeline! UrsusLa bucking Dirty Byrd off of her, which sets up a 3-D by Goldbear II!
Both bears help Wombat and Adkins up – whipping them into each other! The duo hit hard, stumbling back into double claw swats. This sends them into the ropes for a double backdrop into the centre of the ring. Dirty Byrd tries to play dead, but that only works in movies – as the two bears lift him up for a DOOMSDAY DEVICE!
Magnus: What great chemistry! Could we be seeing future tag champs?
Tom Phillips: I think you’d see our tag roster quit first.
Magnus: Let them try.
Confident that the gang beating is over, Goldbear II returns to the floor; leaving UrsusLa to hit a few standing sentons on three men who clearly wish they were dead. With no sign of them moving, UrsusLa looks up at her NEW Fauenix title – then out to the floor. The bear climbs out of the ring to retrieve a ladder, unlike the other participants – the lumberjacks let her pass freely, as if she belonged with them.
Magnus: UrsusLa receiving no resistance, as she collects a ladder and starts sliding it under the rin-
When the ladder is almost completely in, Greg Adkins jumps to life – quick to fire another stream of bear spray into the Grizzly’s eyes and mouth. As UrsusLa falls backwards into a table, #CRASH# Greg is left with the ladder. Greg, the only conscious participant in the ring, quickly sets it up and starts racing up rungs.
Magnus: Ever the opportunist, Greg racing up that ladder – I think he has it, he’s got a finger on his Bobby Walden title – the tape is starting to come loose!
Tom Phillips: Almost there!
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
Tom Phillips: HE’S DONE IT!
Magnus: The Bobby Walden title just fell apart – he really didn’t do very well putting it back together.
Tom Phillips: Jamester really did a number on it-
Magnus: HE HAD ONE JOB!
Tom Phillips: Well as the tape unravels, Greg Adkins has retrieved at least a third of his fauenix title!
Magnus: Those belts are attached by a ring, the winner isn’t the man to get a third of a single belt but all four! He has another 3 and 2 thirds to go!
Tom Phillips: Greg uncomfortable, but climbing up another rung to reach the clasp-
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
Magnus: WOMBAT FROM BEHIND, PULLS GREG’S FOOT OUT FROM UNDER HIM – AND GREG SENT DOWN THAT LADDER, HIS CHIN HITTING RUNG AFTER RUNG!
Tom Phillips: I think he bit his tongue each time.
Magnus: That’s got to hurt.
Adkins is left in a heap at the bottom, holding his mouth in agony and spitting up blood, as Wombat starts climbing the ladder himself. Byrd starts to charge over to knock it down, but Wombat dives off instead – taking the Phoenix champion out with a missile dropkick to the beak. While Wombat stomps away at Byrd, Greg starts to climb the ladder again.
Magnus: Wombat making sure that Gobbledygooker doesn’t interfere, unaware that Adkins has recovered and is again going for those belts.
Tom Phillips: UrsusLa has recovered on the outside, and is starting to climb back- no! Yogi Bear just dragged her back out.
Magnus: UrsusLa successfully defended her NEW Fauenix title against Yogi on the April Fools Show, and it looks like the Hanna Barbara hero wants payback!
Just when Greg is almost at the top of the ladder, Wombat starts following him up. Wombat tries to grab an ankle again, but Greg kicks it away – then lays in some thrust kicks to the head, trying to knock L.A. off. Undeterred, Wombat swings to one side – almost knocking the ladder over, but avoiding a kick – then climbs past the legs, so that both men are on the same rung. They trade punches, but continue to climb until they’re both on top.
Magnus: Wombat and Greg on top again, punching away, and whoever comes out on top has the win!
Tom Phillips: Greg pulls out his trusty bear spray again-
Magnus: But Wombat catches him with a wristlock, the two fighting for control-
Tom Phillips: And Greg just maced himself!
Magnus: He’s practically invulnerable to mace at this point.
Tom Phillips: Bear mace?
Magnus: That still seems to be causing blinding pain, so maybe not-
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Wombat nails an ace breaker on the top of the ladder, the force of which knocks Adkins clear of the titles – sending him crashing dangerously close to some tables. Fortunately he catches his crotch on the top rope instead. Damn near cut in half, Greg can’t articulate the pain of the blinding spray or possible genital mutilation – he just slumps forwards blacking out from the agony. He remains attached to the ropes, dangling close to a hungry looking polar bear.
Magnus: Wombat up top – almost has the titles off-
#THWACK#
Tom Phillips: Dirty Byrd just hit Wombat in the legs with a steel chair! Wombat grabbing the ladder to keep from falling!
#THWACK#
#THWACK#
#THWACK#
Magnus: What a filthy cheater! IT’S A TABLES, LADDER AND BEARS MATCH – Chairs are the only thing that literally aren’t legal in this match. They have been specifically excluded. That damned bird always has to play by his own rules.
Tom Phillips: Dirty Byrd desperate to knock Wombat off, but the way that ladder is shak-
The ladder falls over, Bird is able to land on his feet but Wombat is sent flying- outside the ring-
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...Straight into the waiting mouth of Mecha Goldberg II.
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CROWD: *HORRIFIED SCREAMS OF TERROR*
Magnus: MECHA GOLDBEAR II JUST ATE L.A. WOMBAT!
Tom Phillips: Wombat’s been eaten by bears before-
Magnus: That was a flesh bear. I assure you there is no magical wonderland inside of Mecha GoldBear II where Wombat can just mystically reappear six months later. Mecha GoldBear II is a creature of science, and science dictates you can’t survive being digested by a bear. No, future XHF Hall of Famer and greatest Fauenix champion in the history of the title, Wombat is dead.
Tom Phillips: This is horrible.
Magnus: I blame myself for reactivating Mecha GoldBear II.
Tom Phillips: Yes, everyone blames you.
In the ring, the fallen ladder is leaning over the top rope, where a Sun Bear is gnawing at one end. Dirty Byrd is desperately trying to pull it back in, but his strength doesn’t quite measure up.
Dirty Byrd: Fine, keep the damn thing you flea ridden animal! Hey YOU, get me another ladder.
This order is directed at Freddy Fazbear, who runs over and picks up another ladder. Then stops when he sees Triple B watching him... and politely puts it down.
Freddy Fazbear: I think they might suspect something. The ladder is a tall order.
Dirty Byrd: I need the height! Ugh. Hopeless! Fine, then just get me a stack of tables.
Lifting the ring curtain, Freddy Fazbear starts shoving stacks of folded tables into the ring. While he’s waiting, Dirty Byrd takes the time to kick Greg Adkin’s nuts loose from the top rope – letting the XHF veteran fall over into a sea of bears. His scent of bear spray doesn’t discourage them as much as anger. As the bears swarm in for the kill, Greg desperate crawls under a table. A black bear almost bites his leg, so he flips the table to act as a shield. A brown bear starts to crawl over it, so Greg pulls another table on top of him. They break through it, so he starts pulling in more – using the mess of tables to create a little fort against the hungry lumberjacks.
Magnus: Greg pinned down by a dozen bears on the outside, UrsusLa fighting for her life against Yogi Bear – who is being helped by Booboo, and Wombat remains dead. Freddy Fazbear in the ring setting up stacks of tables in a pyramid so Dirty Byrd can reach those titles.
Dirty Byrd: We need another one, and while you’re at it - none of that cutesy accident-prone shit.
The pyramid continues to grow, as Dirty Byrd crawls up the stacked tables towards the Phoenix nest. Meanwhile a nondescript man approaches the announcer booth.
Benny Burton: Mister Magnus?
Magnus: We’re on the air.
Benny Burton: I’m the insurance investigator looking into Mr. Fury’s policy.
Magnus: IT WASN’T ME!
Benny Burton: I know. After seeing what happened to Wombat, it was clearly an accident. So I both advised our company to stop issuing you Bear insurance-
Magnus: Nooooo-
Benny Burton: And to cut you a cheque for the policy on your late husband.
Magnus: Wait what?
Benny Burton: Here you are-
Magnus: SO - I’M STUPID RICH!
Benny Burton: We’re very sorry for your loss.
Magnus: WHAT LOSS – oh right, thanks. This is all so much to take in.
Tom Phillips: Do you need a minute, Magnus?
Magnus: Thanks Tom, I think I’m going to cry.
Tom Phillips: This whole Fury bear cycle has been an emotional rollercoaster.
Magnus: I mean, I’ve never seen so many zeroes. I’M STINKING RICH!
While Burton leaves in disgust, passing UrsusLa as Yogi Bear uses a taser on her. In the ring, Fazbear places the last table into the pyramid, allowing Byrd to reach the titles.
Freddy Fazbear: I’ll steady them.
Dirty Byrd: Don’t you dare!
Byrd reaches up, filthy wings wrapped around the string of titles.
Suddenly, Kung Fu Panda enters the ring.
Freddy Fazbear: Oh, us bears are supposed to stay on the outside-
Tom Phillips: KUNG FU PANDA JUST USED THE WUXI FINGER HOLD ON FAZBEAR!
Magnus: THAT move you know?
Tom Phillips: My dates like children’s movies.
Magnus: Not even going to touch that, but you also got it wrong – that was a big boot.
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Fazbear is knocked back into the stack of tables, causing the pyramid to collapse. Dirty Byrd is left dangling high above the ring, hanging onto the titles for dear life.
Freddy Fazbear: Whoops.
Dirty Byrd: Whatdoyameanwhoops? GETMEALADDER!
Kung Fu Panda charges in again, punching the Freddy head off of XHF Shockmaster. Before Shockmaster can counter, Kung Fu Panda has him by the throat. Reaching up Shockmaster grabs Po’s head – so that the second costume rips off too as the cycloptic Colossus Rhodes chokeslams Shockmaster through a table.
Dirty Byrd: Crap.
Colossus Rhodes: An eye for an eye, Byrd. You took mine – so I wrote down a list of limbs and organs I intend to deep fry in exchange.
Dirty Boyd: DON’T BE AFRAID TO USE YOUR NAILS BOYS!
Paddington Bear, Rupert, Ted, Baloo, Bungle and Gentle Ben – all looking more like men in bear suits than bears themselves, break free from the pack.
Magnus: A half dozen bears have just hit the ring, and attacking Rhodes with chains. Rhodes generally ignores the whips, even as his skin splits – and starts unloading with punches of his own, revealing Ted to be XHF Max Mini.
Tom Phillips: The bears in the ring all seem to be part of Dirty Byrd’s XHF Knockoff Army.
Magnus: FAKE WWF WRESTLERS AS FAKE BEARS! THE SACRILEGE! IS NOTHING SACRED?
Tom Phillips: It looks like Big Bad Bear feels equally incensed - also entering the ring, and taking Paddington Bear down with a spinning bear fist!
Magnus: Gentle Ben by way of XHF Mantaur gives up on whipping Rhodes to charge Triple B – but gets taken out with a Bear Bomb right through a table!
Every big move shakes the ring, and causes the titles to vibrate too – much to the concern of the hanging Byrd.
Magnus: Triple B is on fire – taking out fake bear after fake bear with those spinning bear fists. It almost looks like pinball!
Tom Phillips: And Colossus Rhodes launching Shockmaster out of the ring with- uh- some kind of throw.
Magnus: Byrd brought a personal army to ensure victory, but it looks like all his bodyguards are being sent packing.
Tom Phillips: Baloo knocked down, and Triple B with the worm!
Magnus: The Bear!!!
The fake bears are sent outside, their costumes torn enough, that the regular bears seem confused and angry. The brawl continues outside, but inside the ring Colossus Rhodes and Triple B stand triumphant.
Tom Phillips: Looks like Off the Wagon won’t just have to worry about UrsusLa and Goldbear II – as these two are showing a ton of chemi-
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Magnus: Triple B NAILS the already bloody Colossus Rhodes with a Bear Bomb through a table – after all Rhodes was pretending to be a bear too. And seeing the fracas outside, Triple B can’t help himself – suicide dive into the mass of bears! HOW DID HE FIT THROUGH THOSE ROPES!
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*EXPLOSION*
Suddenly Mecha GoldBear II starts to spit up oil.
Tom Phillips: Something is up with Mecha GoldBear II-
Magnus: Probably just growing pains from the reactivation. I was thinking that Wombat Junior would be a John Connor style orphan for Mecha GoldBear II to become a surrogate father too...
Oil then starts spurting out of Mecha GoldBear’s chest- more smoke- and mini explosions.
Magnus: I don’t remember him doing tha-AAAAAH!
CHESTBURST!
Wombat Possessed By The Demonic Spirit of Venom suddenly rips out of Mecha Goldbear II’s chest cavity, not unlike an ALIEN chestburster. Mecha Goldbear II falls to his knees, trying to hold his bolts in place while leaking a lot of fluid. Wombat is no longer the closest thing the XHF has to a babyface, but has the lengthy claws and blood red eyes of a Kandarian demon.
Wombat IS Venom: I’LL SWALLOW YOUR SOULS!
Magnus: OH NO! Wombat has once again been possessed by the evil ghost of Venom!
Tom Phillips: But Venom isn’t dead, so maybe it’s a different ghost?
Wombat IS Venom: YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL!
Magnus: Sounds just like Venom. Well, I don’t know what spirit inhabits Wombat’s corpse, it might be Venom, maybe we don't have the real one, could be the late Redmond Fury - I just know that demon dragged Dylan Black to the best match of his career!
Spitting acid, Demonic Venom Wombat starts slashing at anything near him with razor sharp claws. It doesn’t take long before fake bears and real bears are stampeding away.
Magnus: WAIT, COME BACK HERE WITH MY BEARS!
With all the distractions, Greg Adkins is able to sneak out of his table fort. Picking up a ladder as he sneaks behind GoldBear II into the ring.
Dirty Byrd: What’s going on, it’s hard to see from this angle.
Entering the ring, Greg hits Dirty Byrd with the ladder. Then again. After the sixth swat, Byrd finally lets go – falling through some overturned tables that break his fall.
#CRASH#
Outside, Booboo is distracted by the demon long enough for UrsusLa to press the advantage, avalanching both him and Yogi into the steel steeps. Adkins brings the ladder down across Rhodes back a few times to make sure there are no further distractions, before setting it up.
Tom Phillips: Greg again climbing that ladder – a bit slow, as his testicles have definitely swollen to the size of grapefruits.
Magnus: But Byrd is physically wrecked, and Wombat might be legally dead. Nothing stopping him from-
Colossus Rhodes starts to come too, only to get dragged out of the ring by Demonic Venom. The two begin trading brutal shots.
Tom Phillips: Here Greg comes- almost-
The ladder shakes. Greg looks down to find UrsusLa climbing after him. This causes him to climb faster-
Magnus: You can’t out climb a bear. What is he going to do in the wild? Climb a tree?
Tom Phillips: Greg kicking down, and UrsusLa catching her foot in her mouth-
Magnus: BITE-PLEX – channelling another patented Dinosaur Bones move, sends Greg crashing into the overturned in-ring tables with Byrd. THIS IS IT! URSUSLA PROVES THAT BEARS ARE BOTH THE SUPERIOR SPECIES AND BEST FAUENIX TITLE HOLDERS!
UrsusLa arrives at the top of the ladder, looks at the titles, then down at Greg Adkins and Dirty Byrd – and something snaps in her.
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Magnus: MOONSAULT OFF THE LADDER ONTO GRE-
#SMASH#
Tom Phillips: OH MY GOD!
Magnus: THE RING BROKE! THE RING BROKE!
Tom Phillips: The two tons of Grizzly just crashed through the canvas leaving a massive hole where Greg Adkins and Byrd used to be!
Magnus: We no longer have bear insurance – can I get some paramedics out here!
Tom Phillips: Wait, who is that-
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Crowd: MASSIVE POP!
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Tom Phillips: HE’S BACK!
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Redmond Fury crawls out of the hole.
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Tom Phillips: YOU DIDN’T KILL HIM!
Magnus: I didn’t? I mean of course – Fury’s alive!
He looks like he’s spent the past seven months inside a bear, and his stomach still has a nasty and infected looking wound care of Byrd, but even half dead - Redmond Fury is free.
The audience chant Fury, welcoming back the longest reigning Phoenix champion in the title’s history.
Fury’s eyes gaze at the ceiling, where he notices his title.
Barely able to move, Fury stars to climb the ladder now precariously at the edge of the hole, using the last of his strength to move towards the one thing that kept him going for much of the past year.
Tom Phillips: He’s doing it!
Magnus: He didn’t set the record for nothing-
Tom Phillips: HE’S REALLY DOING IT!
Magnus: Redmond Fury is within arm’s reach-
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When Greg Adkins grabs his ankle.
Magnus: Adkins insisting that an official participant wins this – they were my money for feud of the year.
Tom Phillips: Fury so close to getting the Phoenix back, but in his weakened state, being pulled back by Greg.
“RAAAAAAWR!”
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Also emerging from the hole is Dinosaur Bones, who looks larger than usual.
Magnus: DINOSAUR BONES IS HERE TOO – AND HE DOESN’T LOOK HAPPY!
The villainous Dracolich climbs out of the hole. Standing up on the canvas, Bones tilts his head biting up into Fury’s already damaged midsection – and flailing him around. Greg who is also hanging on gets taken for the ride, which knocks the ladder around and smashes them through any remaining tables. As Fury stops fighting, Bones lets him fall to the outside of the ring.
Magnus: If Fury had any plans to regain that title, Bones and Greg Adkins just stopped those-
Leaving the ring, Dinosaur Bones’ tail hits the nest of Phoenix titles knocking them off their hook.
Magnus: Wait, the titles knocked loose and-
DING! DING! DING!
Tom Phillips: Who caught them?
Magnus: THE WINNER OF THIS MATCH AND UNDISPUTED PHOENIX CHAMPION DIRTY BYRD
The results barely register, as all the participants are basically broken.
Tom Phillips: What a match! Finally a clear Phoenix champion, but how clear is it? At least part of a Bobby Walden title is floating around, and Fury only appeared at the end. And you know between Adkins, UrsusLa and Byrd – Fury has a lot of business to take care of. Hell, I wonder how happy he’ll be when he sees Wombat’s impression. Can anyone exorcize the demonic entity from Wombat, or will Metal Goldbear II have to raise his son? Far more questions than answers! True to its name, the Phoenix division is on fire.
Magnus: Mongo is going to be pissed, but who cares. We knew it would be one for the record books, but GUNS delivers all your hot bear act- uh.
Waving off some paramedics, Redmond Fury rises to his feet.
In the front row, Wombat Junior looks concerned that his demonically possessed father seems to have disappeared. Slowly shoving bolts back into the gapping hole in it's chest, Mecha Goldbear II takes Wombat Junior by the hand and escorts him out.
At the appearance of Fury, a terrified Byrd runs away – hoping that his army of XHF superstars dressed as bears haven’t left with his wheels.
Unaware of Byrd, Redmond Fury limps up to the announce position. He can barely move, but Magnus still doesn’t like his chances in a fight against the muscular behemoth. Fury looks down at the cheque, then his gaze fixes on his alleged “spouse.” This is news.
Magnus: Fury, I never gave up on you!
Redmond Fury: Thanks Magnus – I guess that’s why you didn’t send help, and declared me legally dead.
Magnus: Uh, you see- about that-
Redmond Fury: It happens. I’m out now. And on the list of people I need to catch up with, well, you don’t have to worry, Magnus.
Magnus: That’s very big of you.
Redmond Fury: BUT I DO WANT A DIVORCE, AND I’M TAKING YOU FOR EVERY PENNY YOU’VE GOT!
Crowd: MONSTER POP!
Magnus: It’s not fair. I’m the good guy here. I was going to be stinking rich.
Redmond Fury: AND YOU CAN TAKE THAT TO THE BANK, BECAUSE PRETTY SOON YOU WON’T HAVE AN ACCOUNT WITH THEM!
Magnus: Why meeeee?
Fury climbs up on the announcer table, and raises his arms in triumph while the crowd chants his name.
Sunday, April 21st. Your Champion El Rey (if he shows up) vs the world.
Tune in to the XHF Rumble LIVE only on the XHF Network
“HOOOOOOOOOOOOWL”
“All rise fore the king of all wolves now arrives.”
The voice of James Earl Mother Fucking Jones echos over the speakers. How did he get James Earl Jones to say that? It wasn’t a Cameo I’ll tell you that and it cost a pretty penny. Shortly after James Earl Jones speaks Big Sean’s “Wolves” begins to play. The stage lights up with a spotlight and smoke fills the stage. Two men dressed as royal guards walk out and produce swords. They turn and point them into the air touching near the tips and El Rey walks out wearing a crown with the BDDWF Ultimate Championship side plate front and center in the middle of the Crown. Waving in the breeze from fans under the stage is a red cape with the side plates of the other 22 championships that comprise the X*Crown sewn in. El Rey looks around at the booing audience before lifting his head raising his nose in the air showing his superiority over everyone in the audience. He walks under the two swords and makes his way to the ring. He walks up the stairs and steps into the ring. He asks for a mic and is tossed on from the time keepers table.
El Rey: Tonight, as many of you may know already, I had big plans. I was flying in a world beater from Japan that I have never faced before. Someone who was so dominant during their time that your heads would explode just by the fact that they showed up here. Unfortunately…[/i]
Massive amounts of boos from the crowd.
El Rey: They had visa issues and could not make it. Don’t fear, though, because I had a backup plan. Tonight, I face a GUNS original. Tonight I face a bonafide XHF legend. Allow me to welcome, KEN. IN. THE. BOX!
Obscure Japanese music plays and Ken in the Box comes out onto stage. He smiles from ear to ear as he walks down the ramp slapping hands with the crowd. He climbs in the ring with some help from the ref.
Magnus: Give a kid an inch, and he takes a mile.
Phillips: I know it’s not the money match you’ve been waiting for, but I heard this was going to be the return to the XHF Network of a recent world beater.
Magnus: I doubt it. The kid is smart I’ll give him that.
Phillips: I heard it was supposed to be someone who’s defeated big names like Brad Swann and Darlene Price.
Magnus: I want to like him and believe him Tom? But he played us all.
X*Crown Championship
El Rey (c) vs Ken in the Box
El Rey immediately calls for a test of strength with the XHF legend. They lock up and immediately El Rey is bent backwards. El Rey try’s to battle holding himself up bridged back, but Ken in the Box pushes and drops the Champ on his back. He pins the knuckles to the mat and the ref makes the count. 1-2, El Rey bridges out. El Rey pushes up with on shoulder, but Ken pushes back down, only for El Rey to lift the other shoulder. Ken forces that back down and El Rey in one swift motion lifts his legs up and digs them into Ken’s box pushing him up and over his head. Ken’s back hits the ropes and he bounces off and back over El Rey and onto his feet. El Rey is pulled back up to his feet in the process hands still locked. Ken releases one hand and pulls El Rey in nailing him with a short arm close line.
Magnus: The legend is in rare form tonight.
Phillips: And you thought this was a joke.
El Rey rolls away to the ropes as Ken celebrates his big offensive start. El Rey slams his hand into the mat and pulls himself up with the ropes. He looks to Ken who has finished celebrating and is eyeing the champ. He again calls for a lock up and El Rey looks angry over it, but holds his arms up and heads towards the boxed man. El Rey going through that again and drops his hands last minute and kicks Ken in the mid box that was already dented from the boots to the box earlier. Ken doubles over, as much as he can being clad in a box, and El Rey doesn’t let up and begins laying in kicks to the left and right of the box. Ken tries to block but El Rey kicks through the arms of the boxed man caving in the sides of the box. Ken looks exhausted from the blows and El Rey leaps up and delivers a kick to the side of the head knocking Ken down.
Phillips: El Rey quickly regains control.
Magnus: This is what he had planned all along, I guarantee it.
Ken is down and out, but El Rey does not go for the pin. Instead he stomps away at the different areas of the box caving it in and causing tears in the box. El Rey seems to be on a mission as he stomps and stomps. Soon a huge tear emerges and El Rey rips at it pulling off chunks of box. Ken tries to hold onto the box with all his might, but El Rey is vicious and unrelenting. Soon we hear Ken scream “I quit” to stop the destruction.
Winner via submission and STILL X*Crown Champion: El Rey
Magnus: That was sadly about what I expected. This was supposed to be our main event. This was supposed to be our big go home match before the Rumble.
Phillips: It doesn’t look like the Champ is done. He’s got a mic in hand.
In the ring El Rey is pacing with a mic in hand.
El Rey: This is it? This was all I could find in short notice and it was pathetic. I’m not done, though. I am here to prove why I don’t need to compete at the Rumble and I didn’t even break a sweat. So bring me someone else. Next person in this ring gets a shot too.
While El Rey was talking L.A. Wombat has slid in the ring to console his friend and tag team partner. He was not paying attention to what El Rey was saying, but El Rey spots him and walks over to the former Faunix Champion.
X*Crown Championship Match
El Rey (c) vs L.A. Wombat
El Rey slaps Wombat in the shoulder causing Wombat to stand up and turn to face the Champion. El Rey points to Wombats chest and then to his. Wombat looks angry at what the teenager did to his friend and shakes his head no. El Rey yells out “too late, the bell rang” and smirks.
Magnus: L.A. Wombat just went through hell in a tables, ladders and bears match and now El Rey is forcing him into a match. This kid is despicable.
Phillips: I don’t know. If Wombat is still possessed from earlier he might be in trouble here.
Clearly he’s not still possessed as he attacks in anger and locks in a wrist lock. El Rey looks at the cosplayer and smiles as Wombat wrenches with all his might, but it doesn’t seem to bother the champ much. Even though he doesn’t seem bothered the ref asks El Rey if he quits. El Rey says no, but points at Ken laying on the mat like he’s worried about interference. This causes the ref to look away and the second he does El Rey pokes Wombat in the eyes and pulls him in by the arm spinning him around in the process. He crosses the arm of Wombat from behind and suplexes him over with a cross armed German for Xed Out and the pin for the win.
Winner via pinfall and STILL X*Crown Champion: El Rey
Phillips: Wow. Two opponents defeated in under ten minutes. What a show by the champ.
Magnus: More like a joke.
East L.A. Wombat runs down and slides in the ring to check on his cousin. El Rey smirks and calls for the bell to ring.
X*Crown Championship Match
El Rey (c) vs East L.A. Wombat
East L.A. Wombat is in his knees checking on his cousin when he hears the bell ring and looks around confused. He sees El Rey charging at him a second too late as he’s met with a knee to the face from a shinning wizard. El Rey quickly covers and gets the win.
Winner via pinfall and STILL X*Crown Champion: El Rey
Phillips: Amazing. Three wins in one night!
Magnus: Okay, this might be good for ratings.
El Rey: Who else is back there? Send me out!
The sounds of an ATV revving can be heard and the ATV bandit rides out down the ramp and crashes into the ring apron and springs off and onto the ring apron. He climbs in and gets in the face of the Champ. El Rey quickly kicks him in the dick and calls for the bell.
X*Crown Championship Match
El Rey (c) vs the ATV Bandit
El Rey grabs the doubled over ATV Bandit and nails him with a DDT. Cover and the pin.
Winner via pinfall and STILL X*Crown Champion: El Rey
Phillips: That was fast.
Magnus: Send out the jobbers!
El Rey pops up grinning from ear to ear and calls for more. That’s when Harsh Winter Pilgrim comes stumbling on stage as if he was pushed out. He reluctantly makes his way down to the ring and walks up the steps and in.
X*Crown Championship Match
El Rey (c) vs Harsh Winter Pilgrim
El Rey puts his arms behind his back and calls for the Pilgrim to take his best shot. The Pilgrim moves in slowly and carefully and rears back and swings. El Rey ducks and lifts the rookie up on his shoulders and spins him around and drops him on his feet with a reverse DDT for E-Reytio Version 3. Another cover and another pin.
Winner via pinfall and STILL X*Crown Champion: El Rey
Magnus: I forgot I even signed that guy!
El Rey laughing gets back up to his feet and looks to the ramp area and calls for more. Harrington Hart the Wrestling Detective gets pushed out onto the ramp. He looks around, but he’s cut off by Christian Velez the cousin of El Rey. El Rey’s smile fades at the sight of a real wrestler and rolls out of the ring. Christian sprints down the ring and slides in.
Magnus: Uh oh. A real wrestler.
Phillips: And a family member who knows his style. How will he combat this?
X*Crown Championship Match
El Rey (c) vs Christian Velez
Christian did not notice El Rey sneak out while he was sprinting and slide back in with a steel chair. Christian turns towards the champ and
WHACK!
El Rey nails his cousin with a steel chair.
Winner by disqualification: Christian Velez
STILL X*Crown Champion: El Rey
Phillips: We’ll that’s how.
Ryan Velez runs down the ramp and slides in to check on his cousin and tag team partner and El Rey smirks as the bell rings again.
X*Crown Championship Match
El Rey (c) vs Ryan Velez
Ryan hears the bell ring and turns around to the same fate as his cousin.
WHACK!
The ref calls for the bell as Ryan crumbles next to his cousin.
Winner by disqualification: Ryan Velez
STILL X*Crown Champion: El Rey
Phillips: We don’t have enough medics to handle this carnage.
Magnus: You sound just like Sophie.
Phillips: Who?
Magnus: Sophie, my assistant. She tells me all the time we don’t have enough medics to handle a roster this size.
Phillips: Isn’t that from a game?
Magnus: Yeah, I can’t afford a real assistant.
El Rey continues to laugh as his uncle and mentor Charlie Velez slides in the ring. He quickly checks on his brother and cousin and then turns to his nephew to try and talk the champ down. Unfortunately for him, the ref calls for the bell.
X*Crown Championship Match
El Rey (c) vs Charlie Velez
Charlie puts his arms up in defense, but El Rey swings through the arms of his uncle.
WHACK!
Charlie hits the mat hard.
Winner by disqualification: Charlie Velez
STILL X*Crown Champion: El Rey
Phillips: His own uncle!
Magnus: A retention over Charlie will be huge in the record books for El Rey.
Phillips: Who could possibly still step in that ring?
As if ready to answer the question Venom, El Rey’s own dad slides in. He looks at his son and holds his arm up to stop him while he checks on his brother-in-law. The bell rings.
X*Crown Championship Match
El Rey (c) vs Venom
Venom sighs as he hears the bell ring. He turns and his son flashes him a sadistic smile before swinging for the fences.
WHACK!
Venom crumbles to the mat.
Winner via Disqualification: Venom
STILL X*Crown Champion: El Rey
Phillips: His own dad! Someone needs to stop this.
Magnus: There are bodies everywhere. This is great.
Uh oh. The next person to slide in the ring is Tracy, the wife of Venom and Mother of El Rey. She doesn’t seem to notice her son as she kneels down next to her husband.
Magnus: He wouldn’t?
Phillips: He might.
Magnus: Please don’t ring that bell.
It’s too late. The bell rings and El Rey looks conflicted.
X*Crown Championship Match
El Rey (c) vs Tracy
Tracy does not react to the ringing of the bell, probably because she doesn’t think her son would dare. He does dare and swings slowly.
WHACK!
Tracy barely feels it, but it’s enough for the DQ.
Winner via Disqualification: Tracy
STILL X*Crown Champion: El Rey
Phillips: He did it. The crazy bastard did it.
Magnus: He probably should’ve laid her out. Now he’s in deep shit.
Tracy stands up and gives that look only a mother can pull off and El Rey backs up and rolls out of the ring. El Rey drops his friend the steel chair and recovers his crown and cape and exits laughing as the Gun Show fades off the air.
Magnus: Looks like this is it. The champ did not disappoint successful defending ten times in one night!
Phillips: If this is his last night as champ he went out with a bang.
Magnus: Tune in this weekend to the Rumble to find out if this is the end. Thank you, and goodnight!