APRIL 2022 RACE: FINAL QUALIFIER (Sippy Cup Info at end)
Apr 30, 2022 15:48:24 GMT -5
Mongo the Destroyer, Dave D-Flipz, and 3 more like this
Post by h2f on Apr 30, 2022 15:48:24 GMT -5
APRIL 2022 CAR RACE: THE FINAL QUALIFIER
Nestled in the mountains of North Carolina there is a place. A place with a race track. And that, well, that is where our story begins.
Grandma Mary: Welcome one and all to the final qualifier before the Sippy Cup next month!
Uncle: And what a glorious race we will have today!
Grandma Mary: Yes, indeed! This is the final chance for some of these racers to give it a go before next month’s Sippy Cup! Something to remember.
Uncle: I want to assure our CAR fans that this race will not be forgotten to the sands of time!
Grandma Mary: That’s right! We have something extra special for this race that we haven’t seen before.
Uncle: Oh? What’s that?
Grandma Mary: And here comes our first crew! Punch Buggy No Punch Back is one point away from qualifying for the Sippy Cup!
The black and white striped VW bug makes its way to the starting line.
Uncle: That’s right! This is the first time they would be able to compete in the Sippy Cup! All they have to do is run the whole race and not be disqualified.
Grandma Mary: As if we would disqualify such a wonderful crew! And here comes yet another wonderful crew!
The vehicle for the Angry Mad Chemists pulls up beside the punch buggy. Unlike the two crew people standing outside the Tiger Beetle with one of the Forests pouring over a map on the hood, the AMC team is represented by only one person, who remains in the vehicle.
Uncle: I’m glad AMC was able to join us this time. Though it looks like only one of them could make it.
The long shaft of Don’t Touch My Junk precedes the tan VW bug that joins the starting line up.
Uncle: Don’t Touch My Junk was the CAR representative at a recent Network Event!
Grandma Mary: Yes! I am told they did a wonderful job representing CAR!
Uncle: Told? You didn’t watch?
Grandma Mary: Past my bedtime. But the Forest Force absolutely loved the “Balls-z” man “Standing Tall” even when Nelly was “beating Weenie so hard he gushed all over the floor”. And they were equally impressed when Nelly jerked Weenie off himself.
Uncle: I don’t think you understand what was said and I am not explaining it to you. Anyways, that’s Don’t Touch My Junk on the line and here comes EOD.
The Car That Should Not Be seems to float the last few feet and set down in front of the starting line. A man staggers out with a clipboard to begin the car’s starting checklist.
Grandma Mary: Huh. That’s odd. It looks like they replaced their book drone with a drunk.
Uncle: Perhaps they were being more environmentally conscious? Though the cost of alcohol is probably more than the electricity cost to power that drone.
Grandma Mary: That does seem likely. Here comes our final crew!
The smooth curves of a porsche pulls up to the starting line.
Grandma Mary: Mother. The Car! And look! They have their original mechanic back! Great to see the team back together!
Uncle: Yes. Their crew seems to have downsized but I‘m looking forward to seeing them ghost through this course. And it looks like- wait. Why is Forest standing in front of the Punch Buggy pointing on a map?
Grandma Mary: He isn’t? Forest is over there. Look at Forest not by the Tiger Beetle. Clearly doing other things.
Uncle: Is that a map of this race course on the Tiger Beetle hood?
Grandma Mary: Nope! Let’s go racers! Fire up those engines and we are about to begin!
The crews finish up their last minute checks and leave the drivers to their vehicles. Each, in turn, start their respective engines in preparation for the start of the race.
Uncle: …hold on a moment…
Grandma Mary: Nope! On my mark. And GO!
The little old lady of CAR fires a six shooter handgun into the air and the vehicles accelerate!
Uncle: And they're off!! AMC is in the lead followed by EOD. Tiger Beetle isn’t far behind and they are followed by Mother. Don’t Touch My Junk is following at a safe distance.
Grandma Mary: That’s no way to win a second time. Where’s the thrust?
Uncle: The crews are really plowing through the course! EOD’s tentacles are caressing AMC; who seems hell bent on staying in the lead.
Grandma Mary: And we shall test them! The Chemists and EOD are approaching the humps.
Uncle: Tiger Beetle has turned on their turn signal? Where are they going?
Grandma Mary: I think we should focus on the humpty bumps. The Chemists are rocking through while EOD seems to be glading right over them.
Uncle: Their suspension is clearly better than Mothers. Look at her practically jump each one.
Grandma Mary: Well don’t look at the Junk jerking up and down like that. That is obscene.
Uncle: The driver certainly seems excited about the humps.
Grandma Mary: Meanwhile, it looks like the Chemists are excited to be done with them.
Uncle: Well, I doubt they are too excited. EOD has taken the lead. No wait. It’s Tiger Beetle. How did they get in front?
Grandma Mary: Better driving, obviously. They are ready to graduate to drink from the Sippy Cup of life!
Uncle: Well it looks like there is a bottle neck approaching the second obstacle. Why did you make it a one lane jump?
Grandma Mary: To keep it a challenge! Tiger Beetle retains the lead over Hold Ma’ Beer!
Uncle: EOD gets some really good air but the Chemists seem to have engaged their chemical engine mid-flight.
Grandma Mary: That’s some air! Mother has taken off and landed but the Chemists are still in the air.
Uncle: They're coming back around the track and - Who the. What is CopyCat doing at the Starting line?
Grandma Mary: It would seem they got their start time off a little.
Uncle: A little? Oh. Well. EOD seems to think they are in the race now.
Grandma Mary: The EOD tentacle has picked up CopyCat while passing the starting line and flug them at the Chemists.
Uncle: Direct Hit. Copy Cat is now riding the Chemist’s truck.
Grandma Mary: The Chemists have engaged their windshield wipers as they try to dislodge CopyCat.
Uncle: Mother, Don’t Touch My Junk and EOD are catching up. I don’t see Tiger Beetle anywhere. Did you see them exit the course?
Grandma Mary: I was watching them. They haven’t left the course. Still winning!
Uncle: Currently CopyCat is winning. Oh, no. They fell off the chemists. But didn’t fall far to be on Mother’s slightly lower hood.
Grandma Mary: Here comes the speed humps again.
Uncle: CopyCat bumps to EOD. Thrown to Mother. Flips to the tip of Don’t Touch My Junk. Squirted to Mother. Picked up by EOD. Flung to the Chemists.
Grandma Mary: That cardboard is holding up remarkably well.
Uncle: Seriously. The crews are approaching the jump. And here is the Tiger Beetle. Where did they come from?
Grandma Mary: The race track obviously. Pay attention. Punch Buggy has punched Don’t Touch my Junk right at the base of their shaft.
Uncle: Don’t Touch My Junk has careened wildly. Their shaft is currently stuck between two trees at the side of the track.
Grandma Mary: That is going to take them a minute to back out of.
Uncle: Huh. They are ramming the trees. Nope. Now trying to back out again. Ok. Now ramming the trees.
Grandma Mary: And it’s Punch Buggy in the lead!
Uncle: What! How’d that happen?
Grandma Mary: They drive well. Into the final stretch!
Uncle: Tiger Beetle, Chemists, CopyCat in the tentacles of EOD, followed closely by Mother.
Grandma Mary: Here we go. Here we go. YESS! Tiger Beetle for the GOLD!
Uncle: CopyCat goes flying into the Chemists. The Chemist swerved into EOD. Mother swerves to avoid. Sort of. The lot of them cross the finish line.
Grandma Mary: I’ll have to check the photo finish to see who came in SECOND. Because Tiger Beetle is clearly first.
Both announcers check their phones for information on the race.
Uncle: No. Tiger Beetle has been disqualified. They will not receive points for this race. They clearly exited the track. CopyCat also only raced around once, so they technically haven’t finished the race.
Grandma Mary: Yes, they have!
Uncle: To Tiger Beetle cheating or CopyCat finishing the race.
Grandma Mary: Oh! Don’t play this game. My granddaughters clearly-
Uncle: Cheated. This was not their win. Check the photo for the real winners.
Grandma Mary: This is outrageous!
Uncle: What is outrageous is that you would push them to these extremes. They will not race in next month’s Sippy Cup as punishment for cheating.
Grandma Mary: Wait until the whole CAR Planning Committee hears about this injustice.
Uncle: I’m not worried about your strongly worded letter. I am wondering who won this race.
Grandma Mary: EOD in first. The Chemists were a close second - their violent outburst cost them. Mother has third. CopyCat fell off right before crossing the finish line. CopyCat has won the Fan belt this month though.
Uncle: Wait. When did you hold the vote for that?
Grandma Mary: There was a tie between all the participants so the CAR Planning Committee voted for CopyCat - thus giving him the two points needed to qualify for the Sippy Cup.
Uncle: Was the tie a vote of zero because you didn’t collect the tallies?
Grandma Mary: It is important for our audience to remember that the SIPPY CUP RACE is an invitational. There will be no sign ups.
Uncle: But we can tell them about the race.
Grandma Mary: It will be exceedingly boring. There will be no obstacles.
Uncle: I don’t think that’ll make it boring. The challenge will come from facing the other racers. Crews will have to circle the course three times and face the enhancements of their fellow racers.
Grandma Mary: The following crews will race next month: Altan Ord, EOD, Mother, AMC, Bad to the Bone, CopyCat, Don’t Touch My Junk.
The RP window will be from May 1 to May 15.