Gun Show s3e11: Happy Mother's Day
May 10, 2022 19:48:29 GMT -5
Mongo the Destroyer, Kira Izumi, and 3 more like this
Post by Venom 🕷 on May 10, 2022 19:48:29 GMT -5
Boom, bang, pow! Welcome to yet another Gun Show! The GUNS Arena crowd is hot. We pan around as they yell and scream in excitement for the upcoming show. Signs read “Zoran’s gonna kill Magnus” “Bring on the Bears” and “Super Sake saves lives.” We stop panning and lock in on the announcers table where Magnus and Tom Phillips sit surrounded by a steel cage.
Magnus: Hello and welcome to another Gun Show!
Phillips: If you are wondering why we’re in a cage it’s because my partner here is terrified.
Magnus: Rightfully so. Mongo has made a mad man the commissioner!
Phillips: Yes he has, but before we get more in that Goldbear II is in the ring. I’m excited to see who you convinced to face him this time.
“Gotta catch ‘em all, POKEMON!”
On the stage a man comes out dressed in full Ash Ketchum cosplay. He pulls a Pokéball at the entrance tunnel and out walks a Snorelax. The Snorelax barely fits through the tunnel and waddles down the ramp. It climbs up the stairs but cannot get through the ropes. Multiple security guards come out and push him over the ropes and in the ring. The Snorelax lands on his back and struggles his way up and moves to his corner.
Phillips: Was that Wombat dressed as Ash Ketchum?
Magnus: No, it was Ash.
Phillips: I thought he only cosplayed as Mario characters.
Magnus: I said it was Ash.
Phillips: I wonder who’s dressed as Snorelax.
Magnus: That’s a real Snorelax.
Bear Necessities Championship Match
Goldbear II (c) vs Snorelax
Snorelax uses yawn, but it has no affect on the Champion Goldbear II. Snorelax yawns again really hoping to put the champ to sleep, but again it has no affect and now the champ charges. Goldbear II connects with a right paw to the fluffy Snorelax belly, and then a left. The blows push the Snorelax backwards. Goldbear II strikes again left and right, left and right, and before he knows it Snorelax is backed into the corner. Goldbear II continues to clobber away at the fluffy belly of the Pokémon, but the ref counts to 5 and calls for the break. Goldbear II obliges and steps back.
Phillips: The champ on the attack early.
Magnus: Yawn not working really set him back, but he has a high defense stat.
Phillips: This is not really Pokémon right?
Snorelax shakes off the blows in the corner before slowly stepping out back into the center id the ring. Goldbear swings ferociously with a stiff lariat that rips the head right off of the Snorelax costume. The head flies off and rolls around in the mat and no one appears to be inside.
Magnus: Oh my God! He killed my Snorelax!
Phillips: I thought Pokémon just faint?
The Snorelax falls backwards on his back after the head flew off. Snorelax appears to be attempting to use rest to recover, but Goldbear II will not let the Pokémon sleep. He mounts the beast and begins clawing at the stomach of the creature causing stuffing to fly. Goldbear II does not let up until the costume is completely ripped apart and all that remains is Unboxed Ken laying on the mat under Goldbear II. Without the protection of the Snorelax costume Ken quickly taps out.
Winner and STILL Bear Necessities Champion: Goldbear II
Magnus: Welp! So much for getting Ken a new home.
Phillips: So you gave Ken a new home and thought putting him in the ring with Goldbear II was a good plan?
Magnus: I knew it was a bad idea, but it was a condition of him getting the new home. Oh well.
We cut to the Venom estate. Tracy sits alone in the kitchen enjoying some well earned Mother’s Day alone time. She leans back in her chair, an empty plate sits in front of her. She’s looks content, and then she lets out a grown and we hear from off camera.
El Rey: Happy Mother’s Day mom.
And El Rey walks in frame holding a dozen roses. He sets them on the table near Tracy, but she ignores them and her son. He sits down across from her and says.
El Rey: Thank you for always being there for me. And, uh, I’m sorry for everything I’ve put you through.
Tracy rolls her eyes and turns and looks out the window at the backyard view.
El Rey: I, uh, know I’m not your favorite right now. I just want you to know I pulled my swing.
Tracy abruptly stands up, stares at her son, and shoved her chair under the table. She locks eyes with her eldest for a long moment of uncomfortable silence and then abruptly exits and we cut back to ringside.
Magnus: Happy Mother’s Day Tracy!
The lights drop down so that only the entranceway and the ring are illuminated as a deep, throaty, laugh not unlike that of Lemmy of Motorhead gargles over the PA system. However, just as soon as it started it is replaced by the treble-busting vocals of Freddy Mercury of Queen dropping a red hot ballad on y’all. Specifically, “Play the Game” by Queen. As the song persists, “The Mental Killer” Kris “Triple Quake” Quake and “The Corn Snake” Randy Angel- better known as Off the Wagon- walk out. Well, walk is being generous, Randy is stumbling drunk- still drinking from a flask- and Quake’s walk is more of a waddle since he appears to be trying to flex all several of his muscles at the same time. In Triple Quake’s right hand is a Stacker-2-based cocktail and in his left is a bottle of chewable vitamins. They slowly and sloppily make their way down to the ring. Upon entering it, Randy Angel goes up to a turnbuckle and throws up the referee sign for “field goal” and Quake goes to the apron. Suddenly we’re bathed in way too many strobe lights while Triple Quake pours the vitamins into his mouth and chews, then drowns them in the cocktail. If you think this is probably not healthy at all- don’t worry because he SPITS THEM OUT ALL OVER! It looks like vomit as he makes an angry face and flexes at the crowd. Randy calls for a mic in the ring and is tossed one. In his drunken haze he misses the catch, but quickly recovers and picks it up off the mat.
Randy: For weeks we’ve been trying to find opponents worth to face us.
Quake is now also in the ring with his own mic in his hand.
Quake: We were tired of waiting for the Borgs to earn their shot.
Randy: Then one day we were watching YouTube videos.
Quake: Mostly funny dog videos.
Randy: When we came across a show of two independent wrestlers shooting the shit.
Quake: They were right up our ally.
Randy: So we called these jokers up and offered them a shot.
“One fifth for the show!”
Rings out over the P.A. and Brad Badd and Chad Badd the team know as 0.2 walk out onto the stage with mics in hand.
Brad: No music needed because we’re here for gold.
Chad: How could we turn it down when these two mooks invited us here and offered us their gold.
The two walk to the ring, up the stairs, and in as the continue to talk.
Brad: The gold they offered up, though.
Chad: Is not that gold you think it is.
Brad: You see, and old mook can catch a flight to Atlanta and get paid for a fight.
Chad: But the gold they offered us comes with flights somewhere much better.
Brad: Japan.
J-Rok Super Duos Championship Match
Super Sake Presents: Off the Wagon (c) vs 0.2
The bell rings and 0.2 are greeted with spits of alcohol to the face by Randy and Vitamins to the face from Quake.
Chad: My eyes! I can’t see!
Brad: Ah! I think Fred Flinestone is stuck in my eye!
As the two members of 0.2 grab at their eyes they’re nailed by two drunkicks. They’re drop kicks, but sloppy. Even sloppy they’re effective and both members of 0.2 stumble back into the ropes. Off the Wagon charges and clotheslines the two over the ropes to the outside. 0.2 struggle to their feet on the outside while inside Randy puts his foot on the bottom rope and pulls up on the middle rope. Quake runs and dives through ropes connecting with both members of 0.2. Chad and Brad both hit the guard rail back first. Quake quickly grabs Brad and tosses him back in the ring. Randy picks him up to his feet and locks him up with a Big Brother Headlock and quickly follows it up with a Drunk Dropper. He makes the cover and the win.
Winners and STILL J-Rok Super Duos Champions: Super Sake Presents: Off the Wagon
Magnus: Wow. The champs were in rare form tonight.
Phillips: It reeks of Sake in here now.
As Off the Wagon celebrates their win, suddenly, "Am I Evil" by Metallica hits the speakers and the stage fills with mist. Strobe lights go on all throughout the arena. Evil-Borg and Heavymetal-Borg come out together and Heavymetal-Borg is air guitaring to the music. They make their way to the ring throwing up the devil horns and threatening fans. They climb into the ring and Heavymetal head bangs as Evil Borg grabs a mic.
: You think you’re safe? Just keep dodging us! We’re going to get through your gauntlet, and we’re going to get those titles back! You cannot out evil us no matter how hard you try!
Randy tosses Quake a mic.
: Oh yeah, you think you can out evil us? Just because of your name? Or your fancy suits? Or your cool laugh? Well I don’t think so! Heh heh heh.
Randy shakes his head at Quake. Evil steps up to Quake, which causes Randy to rush by his side, which then causes Heavy to have Evil’s back.
: I think so because I know so. I know that my mental acumen is much higher than your brain cell losing, beer swilling dome.
: Well, then why don’t you show me tonight…
As he talks, The Brothers Dutch slide into the ring with chairs!
: …when you face the Brothers Dutch… in a NO HOLDS BARRED MATCH!
Right as he says that, the Brothers hit both Borgs with chairs! Off the Wagon scramble out of the ring as the bell rings.
Phillips: Our dastardly tag team champions may have just screwed the Borgs!
Magnus: Oh man, that’s not cool.
The hulking Milo throws his chair down and pulls Heavy Metal Borg up off the mat so his brother Dave can jab his chair into Heavy’s gut. Milo then turns Heavy around and powerbombs him onto the other chair! At the same time, Dave stands over Evil and raises his chair in the air. Evil kicks him right between the uprights! Dave drops the chair and grabs it and uses it to get himself up to his feet. He slams the chair across Dave’s back. He then turns and hits Milo across the back! But it seems to have no effect on Milo as he stands up. He gets to his feet as Evil slams the chair into his back again! Milo continues to no sell and turns around.
Magnus: I think he got the big guy's attention.
Phillips: Why is it always with the ball shots? I mean, I like mine to get attention, but not like that.
Magnus: How do you mean?
Phillips: …uh… look, Heavy Metal Borg is getting up!
Indeed, Heavy is on his hands and knees and grabs the chair he was powerbombed on as Evil continues to slowly back away from Milo, begging to be left in one piece. Heavy Metal turns the chair sideways, sticks it between Milo’s legs, and brings it up! That time, Milo is forced to react to the chair shot! Milo’s body stands straight up, rigid from the pain. Heavy gets to a crouch position as he keeps the chair between the legs. Evil grabs the other side, and the bring the chair down, and then back up again! And again! And again! Milo’s face turns purple.
Magnus: OOOOOH!
Phillips: I CAN’T LOOK!
Milo falls to his knees and is gasping for air. Then crawls to the apron and starts vomiting to the floor! Dave gets up and looks confused at what Milo is doing, and Heavy and Evil charge him and smack the chair into his face! Dave falls back into the ropes and bounces out into an awaiting Evil Borg, who hits the Domination Slam! He points to the corner and Heavy climbs up. As he does, Evil gives a swift kick to Dave’s nards for good luck. As Dave lays their in pain, holding his groin, Heavy jumps off the top with the Iron Butterfly splash! He covers. One! Two! Three!
Phillips: The Borgs have passed another round of Off the Wagon’s gauntlet!
Magnus: I still feel Milo’s pain.
Quake and Randy look upset as the Borgs celebrate with air guitar as they are want to do.
The lights fade and there's a general feeling of confusion among the crowd.
Philips: What the hell, forget to pay the electric bill again?
Magnus: That is entirely JFK's intern's intern's job. Way above my paygrade.
Some light music begins to play, mysterious until the intro to Asking Alexandria's "The Violence" begins to play. When the drums start, four stone columns, pillars, begin to rise out of the ground. As the first verse ends the last pillar has risen out of the ground and there's a slight pause in the music, enough for one garbled voice to speak...
Voice: You thought we'd stop at one and done? Nah baby, it's time for the sequel.
The chorus then hits us!
The screen LIGHTS UP with the following image-
And the crowd ERUPTS!
Magnus: Oh my god! Oh Violent Night 2! So soon?!
Philips: My god Magnus we're gonna be in for a treat! The Pillars of Violence are gonna give us another good one!
Energy was being fed in the form of cheap alcohol and a two for $5 corn dog special at the GUNS arena tonight! Fans were rowdy as the show carried on. The referee takes to the ring as the ring announcer stands up and makes their way into the ring.
Announcer: The following match is scheduled for one fall with a thirty minute time limit! This match will be under normal rules, rope breaks count, a ten count when a competitor is outside the ring, and disqualifications are in effect!
Fans begin chanting ‘Hardcore! Hardcore!’
Magnus: Hungry as ever are these folks, aren’t they?
Phillips: A blood thirst here tonight, that is for sure.
Announcer: Introducing first! Hailing from Calgary, Alberta, Canada! Weighing in this evening at 263 pounds and standing 6 foot 6 inches! The MURDER LIZARD, JESSE JAMESTER!
The lyrics slash through the arena sound system as fans explode from their seats! GUNS had come unglued, and that wait for violence was about to be answered by none other than Jesse Jamester. No stranger to the man he would be doing battle with tonight, the Murder Lizard had been on a tear with Greg Adkins recently at the XHF Rumble. Resulting in what we now see as a half melted mask that looks to have been incorporated into the appearance of the wrestler. Black vest, black tights with red barbed wire wrapping around the right leg and up to his waistline in the design of the wrestling trunks. It was as though the honor and intent of being his own man in Canada had now been thrown out the window. Walking like he didn’t give a damn about the fans, Jesse hits the ring fast and bounces back and forth on his feet as he watches the entrance way.
Magnus: Season three kicked off with this man and two others making my insurance coverages insane! Do you hear THEM?
Fans are ballistic as the music fades out and the announcer steps in the ring to continue.
Announcer: Introducing his opponent! Hailing from Boston Massachusetts! Standing at 6 foot 3 inches and weighing in at 207 pounds! He is “The Daemon of Mayhem,” DYLAAAAAAAAAAN BLAAAAAAAAAACK!
The lights flash green as the riffs to Reid Henry’s hit new single hits the PA system, uplifting and electric! The curtains between the wrestling word and gorilla open up and Dylan pushes his way through them! He pauses, posing for the crowd before strolling down the ramp ever so casually.
Announcer: And making his way to the ring, from Boston Massachusetts! Standing at 6'3" and weighing in at 207 pounds, he is “The Daemon of Mayhem,” DYLAAAAAAAAAAN BLAAAAAAAAAACK!
Dylan rolls under the bottom ropes and waves his hand in the ring, creating a small lightning arc! He gestures in the boos from those in attendance and just gives off the biggest smirk as he walks right up to the mask of his opponent, staring him head on - well a few inches of that anyway. Dylan showed no fear towards the man he started Season 3 of GUNS fighting along with Spike Kane. The wars that followed at Oh Violent Night had the world ablaze with questions. When would we see these sadistic bastards finally get in the ring and face off again? Well damn-it! Mother’s everywhere, this one's for you!
Phillips: Big fight feels hardly live up to the hype don’t they?
Magnus: That’s why we didn’t put it on the card - give these fans a treat I say!
Phillips: No bomb, no bust - good business.
Magnus: Like I know any other way of doing things. (scoffs)
Bell sounds and Dylan and Jesse stare off in their respective corners. The facials of Dylan tell the story of a cautious man, not worried, but prepared for what he knows of his foe. Black had every reason to take his time here - the rules would favor the traditionalist of the art. Dylan knew he could work on the body and draw it out, a test of endurance would favor him in this one. Yet instead of attacking like Jesse wanted, Dylan hung back and instead threw a middle finger up at JJ!
Magnum: That got his attention.
Phillips: Business is about to pick up.
Magnum: I should have called the insurance company and asked for extra coverage tonight… Damn it!
Dylan stands there leaning in his corner as Jesse Jamester rushes the corner and stops short as Dylan goes to a grapple stance. The two exchange attempts at a leverage grapple victory and instead Dylan is kicked in the gut by JJ, who snaps him back with a chop to the chest and a short clothesline into the corner pads. Dylan headbuttes Jesse’s nose area, seeking effectiveness, and elbows the upper chest of the Murder Lizard. The exchange of vicious strikes being absorbed as both men dished them out was a sight to see. Fans rocking in their seats, many a fan of the Daemon of Mayhem, a former two time X*Crown Champion.
Phillips: Dylan has some sense to him, not going pound for pound or inch for inch, yet holding his own.
Magnum: His resume speaks volumes but he’s still banned after this match… I only made an exception.
Phillips: You think these men listen to anyone? (Laughs as he covers his mic)
Stiff kicks to the outside of the knees of JJ, and Dylan Black has Jesse in the corner on the defense. Dylan is driving the kicks in like a batter swinging for recruits. Caught on a lazy upper body kick, Jesse snatches the leg by the ankle and bursts forward to turn hook on the belly-to-belly overhead release suplex to Dylan! Dylan flies across the ring and is met with a quick basement dropkick from the goliath to keep him floored. Jesse delivers a few stomps to the small of Dylan’s back before twisting Dylan’s arm around. He uses Dylan’s arm to drag him up and pull him in for a JesterPlex!
But as Dylan is spun around he pushes off of JJ’s back flying to the ropes. He catches himself before toppling over, dangling from the top rope before he pulls himself up onto the apron. Jesse tries to grab him but Dylan ducks and drives his shoulder into the gut of JJ, before trying to flip him up and over the ropes. Jesse plants himself and drives a double axe handle into Black’s back, and as Dylan slumps on the second rope Jesse rears back with a giant kick! Dylan falls to the outside by the barricade and JJ cracks his neck before stepping over the ropes and standing on the apron staring down at Dylan.
Philips: The action has spilled to the outside and now we’re all in danger!
Magnus: Murder on the murder lizard’s mind! And duh, if they’re not locked in a concrete box we’re all in danger.
Jesse hops down and straight into a shove from Dylan, backing him into the apron! JJ bounces off the metal frame beneath the curtain and drops to his knees. Just long enough for Dylan to run at him, PUNT KICK! No! Jesse grabs his leg and tries to leg drag him into the stairs just for Dylan to disconnect his leg and cartwheel over the stairs. He plays possum on the opposite side of the stairs before Jesse stalks over, leg still in hand before Dylan jumps up and hangs off the back of his neck like a child getting a piggy back ride! Except this ride is meant to choke out the monster. And it’s momentarily effective before Jesse spins him around and sends him spine first into the steel post!
Magnus: These two are evenly matched thus far! You wouldn’t think a one armed, half brained fool would be able to stand up against the mighty Jesse!
Philips: That insult’s a bit rich coming from you.
Magnus: Excuse me?!
Dylan drops to the floor, holding his back in pain. JJ rolls in and out of the ring to reset the 10 count and this split second gives Dylan enough time to recover and grabs Jesse’s leg, rolling back for a calf crusher! Jesse screams and drags himself and Dylan around before Dylan lets go, stomping on JJ’s calf for extra emphasis. But Jesse, like the terminator he is is already getting to his feet. Dylan slinks into the ring, running the ropes and nailing a suicide dive on the murder lizard! Jesse flies into the guard rail back first and Dylan uses this opportunity to light him up with some chops and punches, going back and forth to wear the monster down. A few stray kicks are thrown in to the tree trunk legs of Jesse to bring him down to his knees. Before a leg scissors take down is reversed as Dylan gets caught up and then broken across Jesse’s knee with a gut breaker!
Now firmly back in control, JJ rolls Dylan into the ring and begins to lay in on Dylan like he’s just landed a Thesz press. Tons of punches down on the Daemon before Jesse stacks him up, getting just a one-and-a-half for his efforts. Dylan pushes himself off the mat and rolls to the ropes, using them to help himself to his feet. Jesse tries to run at him for a clothesline to the outside but Dylan drags the ropes down, sending Jesse up and over. Dylan nails a pele kick to Jesse as a thank you but then drags Jesse under the top rope and spikes him head first on the mat with a DDT!
Dylan drags JJ to the center of the ring but only gets a 1-count for his time. He slams his fist on the mat frustrated, before beginning some stump pulls on the legs of Jesse. Really making it so it’s gonna hurt to walk. Dylan rolls Jesse onto his stomach and locks in an ankle lock, cranking the ankle of the Murder Lizard! He grape vines around the ankle and twists and pulls on JJ. Though he isn’t like a lizard (or Dylan for that matter) so he can’t lose a limb and reattach/grow it back. Just wallow in that pain.
Philips: Dylan has Jesse right where he wants him! So much for a one-armed half-brained fool, right?
Magnus: *grumbles*
Jesse suffers for a minute or so, before he drags himself to the ropes nearby! The ref counts Dylan one, two, three, four! Dylan lets up just before the five, but the damage has likely been done. Jesse tries to put some weight on that leg but it’s all give. Perfect as Dylan starts delivering some lethal kicks to the giant from GUNS. Jesse stumbles into a corner, battered and bruised but still with some fight left in him. He lifts his dead leg as Dylan runs in for a splash and that knocks the ferocious youngster back for a bit, but Dylan is able to come back in with a knee to the face.
Satisfied with how loopy JJ has been knocked, Dylan takes a moment pandering to the crowd. Listening to their wants and their violent desires. He laments and wishes he could fulfill them but knows how clean this needs to be. Dylan goes back to Jesse and lifts him all the way to the top rope, before getting his block damn near knocked off by a big elbow from the Canadian Nightmare. Jesse climbs to the very top, wobbly on his leg but ready for something big. But then Dylan hops up on the top rope, he delivers a few stiff elbows to the side of Jesse’s head. He then links legs and grabs him across the shoulders, oh shit what’s he going for? SPANISH FLY! BUT JESSE ROTATES IN THE FALL, HE POWERSLAMS DYLAN OFF THE TOP AND DYLAN EATS ALL OF IT!
Magnus: Good god! With all that, I thought Dylan would have ended Jesse right then and there!
Philips: Sometimes it takes one misstep to ruin your day.
Jesse and Dylan are both laying in the middle of the mat, huffing and puffing as their wits come back and they regain their senses. Nothing but air right now was being sought as these two endgame players would look to find their footing and continue with a duke out of fist for fist.
A heavy right by Dylan!
A return right by Jesse!
Kick to the knee by Dylan!
Jesse falters as he takes a right to the chin!
Back body drop! Jesse gets Dylan over as he tries to hit the Tiger suplex! Dylan to his feet quickly, Jesse runs at him with a knee but Dylan uses the top rope to deliver a roundhouse kick that sends Jesse to a knee. Hooking the neck, Dylan uses the ropes and tornado DDT! SPIKING JESSE’S HEAD INTO THE CANVAS!
Magnus: That’ll split your wig!
Phillips: He’s taken harder.
Magnus: Oh no doubt, but that was concussion certified!
Dylan rolls Jesse over and drags him back a foot or two, getting that distance from the bottom rope like a veteran. His sense of awareness is on point and without hesitation Dylan Black takes to the turnbuckle straight ahead of Jesse’s body. Bouncing off the second rope to the top rope, a picture perfect moonsault as the swan like body of the Daemon of Mayhem floats in the air. It could be captured in one of the thousands of lightbulbs and camera phones flashing throughout the GUNS arena - but it was caught perfectly by the eyes of it’s receiver! BOOOM!
1!
2!
3—
Shoulder up! How in the bloody hell did Jesse Jamester get the shoulder up on that one?! The fans were rabid with enthusiasm, and Dylan Black looked tested. His demeanor showed in the grit and his teeth clenching down as he smacks Jesse’s back as he hooks him under the arm and lifts him to a standing position. The weight difference may have played a part, but Dylan Black had no falter in his execution – lifting the Murder Lizard on his shoulders, he was going to end it with the Death Valley Driver!
Magnus: This is it! Dylan is writing the final smash bars to this song, and Jesse Jamester will be the footnote to the Maestro of Mayhem’s ballad!
Phillips: It’s up!
Magnus: WHAT THE FUCK IS HE DOING HERE!
Those words scream like a banshee as the face of Greg Adkins stands on the apron, tethered jeans and a hobo look with a torn up flannel covering the smell of unwashed merch he got from last years Call to Arms. Greg’s disruptance at this time came unnerving to Dylan Black, who for all intensive purposes was done right now if he dropped Jesse Jamester like a railroad nail and put this track back on coarse!
FLASSSSH BAANG!
Pyro!?!!?!
Magnus: THAT FUCKER SHOT A FIREBALL!
Phillips: What— is this– wizardry?
Magnus: Greg Adkins just hit Jesse and Dylan Black with those flames, as he breathes fire into the ring with some kind of device he is using in his right hand and — I guess it’s alcohol he’s spitting?! Where the hell did Security go!? I paid for the full 3 hours!
The referee signals for the bell as he ducks out of the ring and Jesse is dropped off Dylan’s back as they both try to protect their eyes and mask of the flames. Jesse is brushed with another wave of flames as Greg directs the attack at him, still on the apron! Dylan gets to the apron and rolls out, grabbing a near by chair he rushes at Greg Adkins on the side forcing him into the ring. Adkins turns and sees Jesse Jamester staring him down.
Phillips: Bad place to be.
Magnus: FIRE! Greg Adkins just signed his death certificate! Hell, I better get my insurance premium checked - I doubt we’re up to fire code… Fuckin’ Greg!
Dylan rushes the ring swinging the chair as Greg blasts Jesse with the fire one more time and dives out of the ring to avoid the chairshot. Jesse is blinded and swinging wildly, the mask showing char as his hair smoked at the burnt ends.Greg Adkins had enraged an already angry man, and now had Dylan Black also on his ass. Dylan tosses the chair at Greg who scurries up the ramp, grinning his toothy grin like a cellar dwelling rat king.
The familiar sight of dirty, orange, webbed feet using a picture of his Mom as a coaster, greet Magnus as he enters his office. Sitting behind the GUNS founders’ desk is the XHF Gobbledygooker – known in circles more fearful of WWE’s lawyers as the Dirty Byrd. No sooner does Magnus spot the Phoenix champion, then a flashback to their last encounter occurs, only before he can avoid the trap – XHF Shockmaster has slammed the door shut. A captive audience.
XHF Shockmaster: Whoops.
Magnus: It’s always nice of you two to drop in... but I have email you know!
Dirty Byrd: Where else am I going to shower, Magnus? Besides that’s so informal – I really like to do business face to face. There is no room for interpretation or error. For instance, at this point, I’m FAR more likely to defend this Phoenix belt against you than I am against my dear friend, Red. So you can only imagine my disappointment when I heard about tonight’s little line-up.
Magnus: To be brutally honest, we only have your word that you two somehow had a contest inside of Ursusla.
Dirty Byrd: A classic for the ages. A back and forth clash of titans, running the better part of three hours, before I finally got the decisive victory with my technical prowess and superior strength-
Magnus: No one can actually figure out how you were able to win the title. So it seemed only reasonable to have a rematch-
Dirty Byrd: Good for you, Magnus, giving preferential treatment to your husband.
Magnus: Soon to be ex. My marital status has nothing to do with this; he is the former champion, and entitled to a shot.
Dirty Byrd: See I guess it’s just the cynic in me... but it seems like, Red is threatening to own this place, and Mongo is threatening to burn it down unless something is done about yours truly... and you set this match in motion hoping that we would take each other out.
Magnus: I’m sure the thought never crossed my mind.
Dirty Byrd: ...You really don’t know your hubby very well. Even if Red wants to throttle me to death for an alleged shiv spree, his conscience will make him fall just short – and I’m too much of a survivor to EVER relinquish this belt. You had a good plan, but the wrong pieces at play. Why do what’s good for Mongo, when you can do right by you?
Magnus: Look I have to get back to commentary, so if you have a point beyond trying to weasel out of your match tonight, I wish you’d make it.
Dirty Byrd: ...Given how much Fury has done for the company, I think it’s high time you put him up for an X*Crown shot. Don’t you?
Magnus blinks.
Dirty Byrd: I’m sure that Sainovic kid can give you EXACTLY what you need without me getting my feathers filthy.
Shockmaster opens the door.
Dirty Byrd: Well, you’d better get back to it. They have probably finished changing the ring, and I think you have some alterations to announce.
Magnus does the math in his head. He might have a shot at that insurance payout yet. Leaving the XHF Irregular Army in his office, Magnus marches out into the hallway to flag down a production assistant.
Magnus: Let the television crew know we have a new main event.
The GUNS owner stomps down the hall towards the arena entrance, while the camera lingers on the Wombat family.
Ms. Wombat: It was really sweet of you to send me to a spa for Mother’s Day-
L.A. Wombat: It was the least I could do hon, I know how much you had to take on while I was inside a bear...
Ms. Wombat: …except I had to cancel because I’m looking after Wombat Junior while you appear on this show!
L.A. Wombat: I’m sorry hon. You know what Magnus is like; if it’s a holiday he needs to run a show. He must be very lonely.
Ms. Wombat: I know – but just this one holiday? Just this one? Couldn’t you have taken this show off?
L.A. Wombat: Ma is in the battle royale. It’s her mother’s day too...
Ms. Wombat: Fine, since I’m here anyway, I might as well enter it too-
L.A. Wombat: It’s only for the wrestler’s Moms...
Ms. Wombat: Then start tagging with Junior, because at this rate it’s the only time he’ll ever have to see his father.
The long-suffering wife of the future XHF Hall of Famer storms off towards the ring entrance.
The camera cuts to the announce table, where the Wombat family drama has given Magnus just enough time to join Tom Phillips.
Magnus: WELCOME BACK FANS! FOR THOSE OF YOU JUST JOINING US, THIS IS AN EXCITING MOTHER’S DAY EPISODE OF GUNS! GUNS! WHERE THE REAL MOTHERS PLAY!
Phillips: Speaking of which, don’t adjust your sets, the dozens of mature women currently making their way down the aisle are NOT filming content for the GILF CRUISER website – those are actually the Moms of the XHF.
Magnus: That is right, we’re having a special Mother’s Day battle royal, with many XHF Superstar’s mothers participating. Many wearing ring attire similar to their famous progeny. WHY THERE IS THOB’S MOTHER NOW!
Phillips: ...That’s my mother.
Magnus: ...
Phillips: ...
Magnus: This was supposed to be a battle royal? Who replaced the ropes with barbwire?!
Phillips: When he found out who had family members involved in the contest, the commissioner insisted on the sharper stipulation.
Magnus: Commissioner? COMMISSIONER! That’s just his shtick, not real! Mongo hasn’t actually installed him as GUNS’ commissioner. Probably.
Phillips: I understand what you’re trying to say, Magnus. But who is actually going to tell Zoran, no?
Magnus: Redmond Fury, that’s who! Tonight Zoran Sainovic will be putting his X*Crown on the line against my beau – and either I’ll be a very rich widower, or there will be no strap keeping Mongo’s little punishment here!
Phillips: That is a heck of a main event. And now it looks like all the Moms have gotten into the ring, so we can get this show on the road!
DING! DING! DING!
No sooner does the bell ring, than about four dozen older women start wailing on each other.
Magnus: Pier-six brawl!
Phillips: Look at them go! It’s very difficult for me to avoid sexualizing this situation.
Magnus: Must be new for you.
Phillips: Stick it to ‘em, Mom!
Magnus: And Phyllis – Mother of Quake - has Dylan Black’s Mom Hailey up against the barbwire.
Phillips: When the XHF stars see how you treated their Mothers, there is going to be hell to pay.
Magnus: I didn’t barbwire up the ring- Zoran did!
Phillips: Try telling them that- HAILEY BLACK DUMPED OUT TO THE FLOOR! She has been eliminated! Nasty landing.
Magnus: I’ll say. It looks like she’ll need an artificial hip. Replacement parts. Must run in the family.
Phillips: Dylan is going to kill you.
Magnus: HE’S BANNED! He can’t touch me here.
MEANWHILE... BACKSTAGE
GUNS wrestlers sit in the locker room watching the show via monitor, cheering family members on - when suddenly the screen goes blank.
East L.A. Wombat: HEY, we were watching that!
Harsh Winter Pilgrim: My Mom came all the way over on the Mayflower for this-
Dirty Byrd: Just look them up on GILF Cruiser.
The wrestlers grumble as Dirty Byrd pulls out the signal wires, setting up a PS4.
Dirty Byrd: I don’t even watch good wrestling, why would I watch GUNS?
The boys seem ready to kill him, but the imposing figures of XHF Shockmaster and XHF The Shark keep the malcontents at bay. Pretty soon, Byrd is playing Red Dead Redemption 2. Mostly hog tying women and feeding them to alligators.
Dirty Byrd: You miss these little things when trapped inside a bear...
The bitching by the boys soon dies down, as a new tension fills the locker room.
Redmond Fury has entered.
Outside of a disorienting minute in the Phoenix unification match, The Buckeye Bruiser and XHF Gobbledygooker haven’t set eyes on one another since Byrd left Fury for dead inside a bear.
Arthur Morgan: I GAVE YOU ALL I HAD!
Dirty Byrd: ...This game really speaks to me.
Redmond Fury: BYRD.
The Goobledygooker turns from his Red Dead fix with a fiendish grin.
Dirty Byrd: Red, funny running into you here... this is a lot to DIGEST.
Redmond Fury: If that gives you acid reflux, Byrd, just wait for later tonight, when I shove my boot down your throat.
Dirty Byrd: Oh, you didn’t hear? Card subject to change. Looks like our little reunion has been put on hold.
Redmond Fury: Well, there is no need to make it official.
The Buckeye Bruiser charges at the Phoenix champion, only for a few more XHF Knockoffs to get between them. The GUNS portion of the locker room is clearly in Fury’s corner, but there are enough wrestlecrap rip-offs to separate the two.
Redmond Fury: You’re on borrowed time, Byrd.
Dirty Byrd: Says the regurgitated beef. What’s your expiry date pal?
As the locker room into a wild brawl, the image switches-
BACK IN THE RING-
Randy Angel is stomping a hole in Noel Edmonds’ 95-year-old mother, Lydia.
Magnus: Randy! What are you doing in the ring?
Randy Angel: People are always telling me I’m a mother-
Grabbing a fistful of Lydia’s hair, Randy tosses her over the top – only for her neck to get caught in the barbwire.
Magnus: Noel Edmonds’ mom stuck playing hangman with that sharp razor wire – and if the Crinky Bottom Boys needed a another reason to come gunning for Off The Wagon, I think it’s safe to say that Randy just gave it to them.
Phillips: Randy charges across the ring with a knee, and knocks Lydia to the floor!
Magnus: He seems pleased with himself.
Phillips: We’re now down to-
While Randy is celebrating, Ms. Wombat catches him from behind with a chop block. He hangs onto the barbwire to balance himself, but this just sets Angel up for a vicious closeline!
Magnus: Randy sent falling out to the floor – landing on top of Lydia - it looks rather indecent.
Phillips: Man, is Noel ever going to be pissed. Blobby wouldn’t even get his Mom to try out that position.
The crowd cheer as only the female members of the Wombat family remain.
Phillips: MA Wombat, the matriarch of the Wombat family, offering her daughter-in-law some cleaning advice...
Magnus: BIG BOOT TO THE MIDSECTION doubles the substantially older woman over, and Ms. Wombat lifts MA up for- POWERBOMB OVER THE TOP ROPE!
Phillips: Fortunately, Lydia Edmonds and Randy broke Ma’s fall... her feet still touched the floor though.
DING! DING! DING!
Magnus: The winner of the FIRST annual Mother’s Day Barbwire Battle Royale, THAT FEROCIOUS FEMALE FIGHTER OF GUNS,
MSSSSSSSSSSS WOMBAAAAAAT!
A Wombat chant goes across the arena, as Ms. Wombat poses in the corner, possibly the most successful member of her wrestling dynasty with the one win. Out on the floor L.A. and Junior look after Ma, who seems to be bleeding out thanks to the barbwire.
We cut back to the action in the ring where New Deal are already waiting in the ring.
Phillips: Already in the ring is tonights enhancment talent.
Magnus: I'll have you know that Ryan and Christopher Velez once won a sandwich in a lader match.
Phillips: All they are going to win tonight is a knuckle sandwich from my boys Chaos Theory!
Magnus: You're such a fan boy.
Phillips: FUCK MONGO!
The lights go out as guitar feedback is heard before becoming a riff, smoke filling up the stage.
“CHAOS! CHAOS! CHAOS! CHAOS!
CHAOS! CHAOS! CHAOS! CHAOS!”
Strobe lights begin to flash wildly as Spike Kane and PRICE step through the smoke.
“Bombs dropping on the runway, the oceans overflow
I know for certain, one day I'll see you down below
I'll find some solace someday, and you'll reap what you sow
I'll see you Bloody Sunday (so you can break my soul)”
The two men begin to slowly make their way down the ramp, taking in the pop from the crowd and their opponents in the ring.
“No one can save you, no one can save you
The chaos awaits you!”
When they reach the ring they split up and each pick a side, before climbing up onto the ring apron and up onto the turnbuckle.
“I can't see tomorrow 'cause I might die toda
I sing this sorrow with a smile on my face
Oh-oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh-oh-oh
I can't see tomorrow, are we dead or alive?
When the blind lead the blind in the”
The lights begin to flash wildly again as both men climb down off the turnbuckle and meet in the middle crossing their arms into an X across their chests and bumping fists together as they do.
“CHAOS! CHAOS! CHAOS! CHAOS!
The blind lead the blind in the-
CHAOS! CHAOS! CHAOS! CHAOS!
CHAOS! CHAOS! CHAOS! CHAOS!”
The music fades as the lights return to normal, and both teams begin to strategise.
Tag Team Match
New Deal vs Chaos Theory
Ryan and Spike start the match hot as Ryan comes charging in at Spike trying to use his speed to his advantage but he winds up swinging at air as Spike ducks under hooks his waist and hits Ryan with a snap german suplex.
Phillips: Ryan got a little over zealous there and paid for it.
Magnus: I'm pretty sure Spike just drilled him on his head.
Spike goes and picks up Ryan with a front face lock, Spike looks over at PRICE who taps his wrist yelling "Time is money Bee, wrap this up." Spike shurgs and lifts Ryan up.
Phillips: Spike Impailer!!!!!!!!
Magnus: Well that's all she wrote.
Spike goes for the cover.
One...two...Spike lifts Ryan up by the hair before the three count as PRICE yells "Oh come on!" Spike just gives an evil smirk to his partner and tosses Ryan over to his corner. Chris reluctantly tags himself in as Spike backs up and tags PRICE in, Ryan goes to charge in trying to catch PRICE on his way into the ring but he's caught in mid stride with a BLOODY SUNDAY! As he turns to fall PRICE comes flying in and connects with a PRICE CRASH!
Phillips: The Alpha and Omega!
Magnus: The beginning and end of all tag teams on the XHF Network.
PRICE points down at the dead Chris Velez in the ring asking Spike "Now? Can we now pin him and be done with this?" Spike nods and PRICE just steps on Chris. One two three count to hundred it doesn't matter no one is getting up from that combination.
Phillips: Winners of this match, and my heart, CHAOS THEORY!
Magnus: We REALLY need to work on your marking out.
Phillips: Do you think they'd choke me?
Magnus: What?
Phillips: What?
Chaos Theory not being paid by the hour make leave of the ring and arena to continue their adventures in Ireland, will PRICE catch a leprechaun? Only if he does enough acid.
Magnus: The following contest is for the XHF Phoenix Championship-
Voice: WHAT BULLSHIT IS THIS?
Magnus: Entering first-
Voice: KNOCK THAT OFF!
The champion stomps out of the back.
Dirty Byrd: We agreed my opponent would get a different title shot!
Magnus: Yes, but that doesn’t mean you have the night off-
Dirty Byrd: You lousy fink-
Magnus: ALREADY OUT – THE CHAMPION – AND HIS OPPONENT-
Cursing, Byrd starts to leave, just as Unboxed Ken comes out of the back. The former Boxed star is still looking for a new crate to protect him from the world, but a paper bag over his head is helping with crippling agoraphobia.
Phillips: Before Byrd can exit, Ken cuts off his retreat!
Magnus: Along with having his sidekick injure Ken, Byrd spent the weeks that Ken was in an iron lung tormenting him on a daily bases.
Phillips: Ken can hardly contain the rage in his eyes, and Byrd back peddling to the ring like his life depended on it. Which it might!
The XHF Gobbledygooker makes a few attempts to dart around the larger man, but keeps getting cut off. Pulling out his trusty shiv, Byrd goes for the eye – but Ken blocks, landing a haymaker that sends the feathered fiend rolling further down the aisle.
Phillips: Big left hook knocked Byrd off his feet, and that shiv sent flying.
Magnus: Some lucky fan is going home with a nice souvenir.
Rolling with the momentum, Byrd decides to take it into the ring. Ken follows after, only to get stomped as he’s halfway under the ropes. Happy to leave Ken down in the ring, Byrd again turns to leave. No sooner do his feet hit the concrete, than Ken has reached through the ropes and grabbed a fistful of feathers.
Phillips: Byrd again trying to walk out on the match, but Ken YANKING him back into the ring.
Magnus: Lugging that box around all these years must have really left him a powerhouse, because Ken just tossed Byrd across the ring like a ragdoll – and follows him over with an avalanche!
The force of the avalanche causes feathers to fall off of the Gobbledygooker outfit. Holding his back in agony, Byrd staggers out before face planting. Ken drops a few elbows on Byrd, before going for the pin. 1. 2. Foot in the ropes. Ken grinds in a few more elbows for good measure. Then starts twisting Byrd into a square shape.
Magnus: Ken forcing Byrd into his BOX Crusher.
Phillips: Referee Blind Stubbs asking the champion if he submits...
Dirty Byrd: SUCK A #*#& YOU SLACK JAWED, BARGAIN BASEMENT MOTHER#*$#ING #&#^ #^#^#^ SALLY STRUTHERS #&@^#& HAMSTER #^@&#^#^#^^#^#^ AND THE $#%#%$^ you rode in on!
Getting sick of Byrd’s colourful language – Ken turns the move into his patented Box Breaker.
Magnus: BOX BREAKER!!!!!
ONE!
TWO!
Phillips: Shockmaster up on the apron, and the referee stops the count to tell him off.
Magnus: COME ON REF! We were looking at a new Phoenix champion!
Picking up the unconscious Dirty Byrd, Ken tosses him like a lawn dart – catching Shockmaster in the throat. The XHF knockoff falls off the apron to the floor with a “Whooops” while the impact causes Byrd to fall back into the ring. Still on the attack, Ken kicks Byrd in the back of the head – again loosening a lot of feathers, before planting him with a pumphandle slam.
Magnus: KEN WITH A GORILLA PRESS SENDS BYRD FLYING INTO THE FORTH ROW-
Phillips: And rather than let him body surf, the audience part, leaving nothing but concrete and steel chairs to break his fall. That’s harsh.
As the referee starts another ten count, Unboxed Ken heads out to the floor to retrieve his rag doll. As Ken moves towards Byrd on the floor, however, Shockmaster handcuffs him to the steel guardrail.
Magnus: What are you blind ref?
Phillips: It’s Stubbs.
Magnus: OH. Right. Referee unable to see Shockmaster handcuffing Ken to the guardrail, and here comes Byrd skipping back over.
With one free arm, Ken tries to punch Shockmaster – who stands just out of reach. Byrd uses the distract to pull some of Ken’s stitches loose. Bleeding from the side, Ken swings his arm around for a bionic elbow – but Byrd rolls under it. As Ken struggles to free himself – Byrd slides back into the ring.
Blind Stubbs: 1! 2! 3! 4!
Magnus: Byrd looked like he’d be happy with a count out finish at the start, and nothing has changed that.
Blind Stubbs: 5! 6! 7!
Phillips: Ken using that spectacular strength to pull the panel of guardrail he’s attached to loose! Ken dragging the guardrail with him as he heads back to the ring.
Just as he’s about to slide under the bottom rope, Dirty Byrd yanks the paper bag off of Ken’s head. Eyes rolling back in his head, the extreme agoraphobe slumps to the concrete in the throws of a panic attack.
Blind Stubbs: 8! 9! 10!
DING! DING! DING!
Phillips: Ken was robbed!
Magnus: THE WINNER OF THIS MATCH AS THE RESULT OF A COUNTOUT, AND STILL XHF PHOENIX CHAMPION-
THE XHF GOBBLEDYGOOKER!
Unable to breathe, mad with panic, Ken starts to crawl under the canvas for the relatively enclosed space under the ring. Only for Byrd to grab his ankle, and producing another pair of handcuffs – clamp it to the bottom rope. It’s an awkward enough angle, that Ken can find no safety – completely exposed for all to see.
Phillips: Here comes security.
Magnus: Good! The last time Ken messed with these diabolical knockoffs he spent almost two months in hospital.
Security get between the wrestlers. Watching Ken struggle to breathe while attached to the ring, Byrd can’t help but laugh – then swallow the key.
Magnus: These two play for keeps.
Phillips: I can’t help but think between Fury and Ken; Byrd is going to get his soon.
Magnus: Yeah, but will Mongo cancel us first?
The Heavy's "Big Bad Wolf" blasts over the PA system.
#With Time Slipping Away#
#I Can't Say What I'll Do...#
#You Got Nothing To Saaaaaaaaaaaay#
#'Til I Tell You Who's Whoooooooooooooo#
#You Know Why?#
The flash of a blade draws attention to the entrance curtains, just as a scythe cuts them down. Stepping out into GUNS arena, the X*Crown champion surveys the crowd, looking for familiar faces from the Easter special that honour dictates he must now disembowel. A few mental notes are made for parking lot beat downs, but Zoran Sainovic has never been more thankful that he as a list of season ticket holders to slice back on. Red and orange pyro cast the middle age European in a light that is reminiscent of hell.
#Cos I'm The Big Bad Wolf#
#(What You Say)#
#I'm The Big Bad Wolf#
#(What You Say)#
#I'm The Big Bad Wolf#
Rather than carry his 22 world titles around with him, The Final Boss has had a custom-made lapel pin to represent his XHF Overlord status. Against his black Armani suit, the small pin is a classy alternative to the ostentatious physical crown worn by the previous holder. It would almost be commendable if you weren’t sure the stones used in the pin cost more than the other straps combined. Making his way down the aisle, GUNS commissioner has less garbage thrown at him – the audience slightly terrified at the consequences of further upsetting the boss.
#And I'm Blowing Down Your Neighbourhood#
Picking up a microphone at ringside, Zoran uses the steps to enter the ring. As the Final Boss centers himself, a second volley of pyro is set off.
#I SAID#
#AAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO#
The music fades and the house lights rise, leaving only the dagger gaze of The XHF Devil to fall on the announce position.
Zoran Sainovic: GUNS. After ze warm reception zat I received on your Easter Special, I really didn’t want to deprive you of ze X*Crown. So imagine how pleased I was when my dear friend, Mongo-
The audience don’t like that at all.
Zoran Sainovic: -called me up and said: “Zoran you king of kings, given how you were able to trick us into thinking that SWAT was somehow respectable, despite its criminally insane ownership; do you think you can provide similar turd polishing for GUNS?” A challenge worthy of a Final Boss. Use my superior management skills to save zis pathetic federation from Magnus? I deeply regret ze time spent on ze last organization I cleaned up... but perhaps zis will provide a happier ending?
Thin lips curls into a sinister grin.
Zoran Sainovic: Now, apparently Steve Awesome isn’t as pliable as his name implies. While Stevie rehabs “multiple career ending injuries,” rediscovers ze joy of diapers and drinks himself into ze gutter – I find myself going to ze next name on my BIG FIVE hunt list. SO MAGNUS - WHERE ZE HELL IS EL REY?
Magnus: He fucked off to IPW the minute he lost the crown.
Zoran Sainovic: IPW? Zis won’t do. You don’t get to headline seven shows, zen cut your losses when it is no longer opportune. Who jumps next to Infinite, Spike Kane? It erodes our brand. You ask ze average XHF fan to name five GUNS stars, and zey’ll be hard pressed – not because zis federation doesn’t have recognizable faces, but folks scratch zeir heads wondering if Quake works for us or J-RoK. Zis total lack of consequence or loyalty can be traced back to your questionable example, Magnus. No more. Zere are going to be some SERIOUS changes around here. And if El Rey zinks he can dine and dash, well, I’ll give him lessons in responsibility zat VENOM should have taught him decades ago... even if I have to go to Infinite and DRAG El Rey back here kicking and screaming.
Phillips: Wait, doesn’t that mean the commish will be freelancing too?
Magnus: You really don’t want him to hear you pointing out holes in his self-serving logic, Tom.
Zoran Sainovich: Zere is a new guiding light. Speaking of which, since I basically have ze book. Why ze hell am I defending against Fury tonight?!
Devo’s Gut Feeling plays over the PA system, as The Buckeye Bruiser steps out onto the entranceway. The longest reigning Phoenix champion seems less than thrilled that the theme music that Dirty Byrd stuck him with as a joke INSIDE A BEAR has apparently caught on. This animosity turns to the older man in the ring...
Redmond Fury: Apparently while I was incapacitated, you took it upon yourself to dress like me, Sainovic. Under that highly offensive disguise, you made many valid points about me being a viable X*Crown contender. Now at this point in my career, I’m less motivated by gold, and more interested in settling the score with people who took advantage of my bear situation. There are plenty of guys who did me far worse than you, Sainovic, but since we’re both here- title or no title- I figured I’d educate you on the finer insensitivities of a Caucasian pretending to be Asian – with my fists.
Eyes darting about to make a report on his target, Zoran Sainovic notes that Fury still has his ribs taped up, the right leg is sporting a heavy-duty brace, and one arm is in a cast. Apparently seven months being digested by a large animal has not been kind to Fury. Who knew? Conclusion: He is not in fighting form. Magnus has clearly set his husband as a lamb to the slaughter.
Zoran Sainovic (knowing smile): If zat’s how you feel, Fury. I’m nothing if not a fighting champion.
Redmond Fury: GUNS means a lot to me- to all of us. I’m not going to let you ruin it.
Zoran Sainovic: It’s good to see zat your time in zat bear hasn’t shrunken your sense of self-worth. Perhaps I should force feed you to a smaller animal?
Redmond Fury: The only meal going down tonight are the teeth I kick down your throat!
The crowd go nuts as Redmond Fury makes his way down to the ring.
DING! DING! DING!
Phillips: Test of strength- even with one hand, Fury coming out on top.
Magnus: I don’t believe those bear stories for a minute. Redmond was clearly just hiding out at a gym this whole time. Pumping iron while making me look bad.
Phillips: Losing the strength, our commissioner uses his free hand to chop Fury in the eyes.
The lock-up is broken. Both hands free, Zoran starts to pepper off jabs to Fury’s jaw – only stopping to fire off stiff body shots to the taped up ribs. Not wanting to throw a punch with his cast covered right hand, Fury tries to cover-up as best he can while firing off a few left hooks of his own.
Magnus: You knew these two were going to be a wild brawl-
Phillips: But Zoran is a mean striker to begin with, before adding the advantage of fighting an opponent using one arm.
Magnus: Don’t sell the Buckeye Bruiser short. Redmond still has a lot of power behind those shots.
A left hook catches Zoran on the temple, staggering him. Fury tries to press the advantage, but an incensed Final Boss answers with an Eastern European Uppercut. This is just like a regular European uppercut, but straight to the windpipe. As Fury gasps, Zoran lays in a few more of these cheap shots – forcing the larger man into the corner. Climbing onto the middle ropes, Zoran starts reigning down rapid-fire fists. The audience count along, despite wanting Fury to crush him, because they are sheep.
46... 47… 48...
Fury’s nose is broken, and competing with a gash on his forehead to see which can bleed more. The bloody challenger has the presence of mind to wrap his good arm around the champion’s waist, then explodes out of the corner with a makeshift spinebuster. One. Before Zoran has a chance to kickout, Fury drags him up for a T-Bone Suplex, then another. By the time Fury covers, Zoran chooses to break the pin by squeezing the broken nose. Blood splurts hallway across the canvas. Hanging onto the gore soaked nose, Zoran pulls Fury’s face into a kneelift. Dragging the larger man over by the nose, Sainovic lays some stiff knees into the bandaged ribs, before locking on an Interrogation ’19.
Magnus: Looks like we’re about to lose our female demographic as Zoran destroys my husband’s face.
Phillips: Referee Dandy Bosco asking for the submission, but Fury has too much left in the tank to give in.
Magnus: Redmond’s all heart! They might have to take him out of here in a body bag.
Rolling through, Fury gets a foot in the ropes – forcing Zoran to let go. Except Zoran treats rope breaks as more of a suggestion. Bosco gives the commissioner a five count, only to have Sainovic respond with a ten count. This momentary distraction is all Fury needs to break the hold himself. Zoran digs sharp claws into Fury’s midsection, tearing the dressing to shreds – but Fury still manages to get up, hitting a BIG Armdrag.
Phillips: Zoran sent through the ropes, crashing to the floor-
Magnus: And Fury follows it up with a- BUCKEYE SHOT II TO THE OUTSIDE!
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
DING!
The slingshot kneelift catches Zoran in the chest, before both men wipe out through the timekeeper’s table.
Phillips: MY GOD – BOTH MEN JUST CRASHING THROUGH THAT TABLE.
Magnus: Mutually assured destruction. This was really the best possible outcome.
Apparently not getting Zoran’s memo on no count outs, Dandy Bosco starts a 10 count. 1! The two start slowly shuffling around in their splintery bed. 2! With his one arm, Fury drags Sainovic by the leg out of the table wreckage. 3! Grabbing a large piece of wood – Zoran sits up, stabbing it into Fury’s bruised ribs. 4! Trying to fight through the pain, Fury swings Zoran like a club – hitting the steel steps so hard that he knocks them over. 5! Bleeding himself now, but not undeterred, Zoran uses his free leg to kick the wooden shard further into Fury’s abdomen. 6! Fury coughs up blood, but before he can register the pain – swings Zoran again, wrapping him around the steel post. 7! Another swing takes Zoran face first across the ring apron. 8! Letting go of Zoran, Fury pulls the wood out of his midsection. 9!
Phillips: Both men battering each other on the outside, but if they aren’t careful-
Before Bosco can reach the 10, Fury grabs Zoran by the leg and drags him back into the ring. Both men are bleeding profusely. Fury rests Zoran against the ropes to hit a Bicep Bop – much to the crowd’s delight. A second Bicep Bop is done with enough force to knock Zoran loose, causing the champion to fall to his knees. Seemingly waking, Zoran reaches up – digging a thumb open wound on Fury’s midsection. This is soon joined by the other hand, for a stomach claw-
Phillips: The champion locking on his Interrogation ’01- right into that perforated eight pack!
Magnus: Would you say this match just got stomach churning?
Phillips: No, because that would be ghoulish.
Magnus: I don’t think you understand how much money I stand to lose. Bosco asking Fury for the submission-
Wrapping a leg over the back of Zoran’s neck, Fury leaps into the ropes-
Phillips: BUCKEYE BOMBER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ONE!!!!!!!!!
TWO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THREE-
Phillips: So close! I thought Fury came back WAY too early from his ordeal, but he was damn near the X*Crown champion there!
Magnus: Cover was too close to the ropes, and Zoran manages to get a fistful of them.
Phillips: At least Fury managed to break that deadly claw. Zoran again trying strike the broken nose of Fury, but The Buckeye Bruiser hooks the wrist and drags him up for-
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
Phillips: THE DUST-OFF! WITH ONE ARM HE JUST SPIKED ZORAN ON HIS HEAD!
ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TWO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THREE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Magnus: Zoran again managing to get a foot in the ropes, though I’m not sure how conscious he is. Mongo’s hand picked commissioner might be a vegetable by the time this match is over. Do you think he’d still be in charge even if he was legally brain dead?
Phillips (muttering): Couldn’t be any worse.
Magnus: What was that?
Phillips: Just when it couldn’t look any worse for the champion, Fury now going for the Buckeye Breeze!
Using a variation to make-up for his injury, Fury clasps both wrists in his vice like hand. Just as he starts to get Zoran up, however, The Final Boss raises a leg – turning it into The Harvester.
Magnus: Zoran, manages to break it and here we go-
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
Phillips: THE REVOLVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Magnus: Vicious Reverse STO Facebuster that Zoran adopted from the late Adrien Tanner Jr., and the cover is academic-
ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TWO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THREE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Magnus: WHAT?
Phillips: Fury somehow managing to get the shoulder up! The strength of this man is insane!
Magnus: It would have to be crazy if he wants to keep going, Redmond looks like a damned corpse!
Phillips: That’s just the bitter divorce talking.
Magnus: No Tom, Redmond is literally doing an 8 on the Muta scale!
Phillips: He’ll always be a perfect 10 in GUNS’ hearts.
Magnus: Get a goddamned room!
Standing on Fury’s face, Zoran gets up- then decides to pull the challenger into THE PAIN. As he starts to lock on the Gutwrench suplex, Fury knocks him off with a Pec-Plex much to the delight of the audience. Barely standing, Fury tries to follow it up with a Bicep Smash, only for Zoran to duck under it and lay in a hard right hook to the kidney. Though barely standing the two men start trading shots again.
Phillips: Another brawl, and every shot painting the ring red!
Magnus: Foolish on Redmond’s part, with that one hand in a cast, these brawls never go his way, no matter how much stronger he is.
As predicted, it isn’t long before Zoran has Fury against the ropes, setting him up in the corner for another Harvester – only Fury manages to side step it. Staggering to the far corner, Fury looks down at his cast – then smashes it against the far post.
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Magnus: Well THAT’s going to need to be reset.
Phillips: Fury breaking his cast open, looking to trade shot for shot with both hands free. This is REALLY inadvisable.
Magnus: Well, Zoran is using relatively few weapons – so bludgeoning him with a heavy cast wouldn’t be too sporting.
Phillips: Why isn’t Sainovic going to his thousand blades?
Magnus: Apparently he got some upsetting fan mail, that suggested he couldn’t win without knives, and now he wants to put the fear of god into us without accessories.
Phillips: It’s working.
The two men again meet in the middle of the ring, punching away. Fury winces every time he uses his right hand – but his knockout power means the blows ALMOST hurt Zoran as much. After a few dozen exchanges, the exhausted figures knock themselves down to their knees.
Phillips: We might be looking at a double knockout.
Magnus: Given the amount of blood they lost-
Digging deep, Fury manages to fight through the pain to land some combinations. Zoran is fading fast. Fury shoves aside a left hook, and fires off another of his own-
Phillips: WITH BOTH HANDS, FURY FINALLY COMING OUT ON TOP, AND THE CROWD IS FIRING UP!
The last blow almost knocking him to the canvas, Zoran starts to reach into his pocket, absorbing more punishment as he pulls a roll of quarters out of his pocket.
Phillips: FURY WITH A BICEP SMA-
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Magnus: Fury with a loaded fist RIGHT TO THE THROAT!
Windpipe crushed. Fury seems to go into convulsions while gasping for air. Leaning into the larger man, Sainovic forces a cover as his confused opponent suffocates.
ONE!
TWO!
THREE!
DING! DING! DING!
The crowd dies.
Magnus: That’s a shame; I was hoping to get the crown in the divorce! The winner of this match, and STILL X*Crown champion- zoran sainovic.
Fury continues to shake violently, and struggle to breath even after Zoran has rolled off of him.
Phillips: Fury in a bad, bad way- can we get some paramedics out here?
The Final Boss rolls out to the floor, grabbing a pop off the announcer’s desk.
Zoran Sainovic: Mind if I borrow zis?
Yanking the straw out of the container, Zoran tosses the soda back so that it spills on the announce crew, before heading back to the ring.
Magnus: YOU HAD BETTER BELIEVE THAT SORRY S.O.B. IS PAYING FOR MY DRY CLEANING!
Phillips: Good luck with that.
Producing a scalpel from his sleeve, Zoran stabs down into Fury’s throat – to the gasping horror of all. Having made his brutal incision, Zoran shoves the straw down Fury’s windpipe. More blood splurts out than Fury’s face would suggest he still has in him. After a moment, the shaking stops, as The Buckeye Bruiser breathes shallowly.
Phillips: The champ performing a tracheotomy on his opponent. It would be a lot less scary, if he wasn’t the reason it was needed.
Zoran Sainovic: Wouldn’t want you to come into any inheritance, Magnus.
Magnus: SON OF A BITCH!
Zoran Sainovic: Besides, I zink I’ll be able to really turn zis place around with Fury as ze owner. But not your kind of owner, Magnus. Not ze kind of owner zat still entertains zoughts of making a comeback. Not an owner zat can still wrestle...
Phillips: What was-
Turning Fury over, so that he is once again struggling to breath, Zoran Sainovic takes the scalpel to Fury’s ankle – beginning to slice through his Achilles tendon.
Magnus: That’s going too fa-
Phillips: NO HANG ON NOW!
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The crowd pelt garbage at the ring in protest for Zoran’s latest atrocity. Undeterred by full beer bottles shattering against his back, Sainovic continues to dig in- until the treat of a chair almost takes his head off.
Magnus: BLOODIED FOX!!!!!!!!!!!!
Phillips: Bloodied Fox just hit the ring, chair in hand – running to the aid of Redmond Fury. I hope he wasn’t too late!
The X*Crown champion slides out under the bottom rope, narrowly avoiding another chair shot. Fox is angry enough to keep up the chase, but stops to protectively stand over Fury.
Magnus: Fox keeping Zoran from re-entering the ring, and the commissioner is absolutely livid.
Phillips: Paramedics finally in the ring to check on Fury. The darkest timeline is an understatement.
Halfway up the aisle, Zoran Sainovic has his cold shark eyes fixed firmly on Fox. This is not going to end well.
Magnus: Hello and welcome to another Gun Show!
Phillips: If you are wondering why we’re in a cage it’s because my partner here is terrified.
Magnus: Rightfully so. Mongo has made a mad man the commissioner!
Phillips: Yes he has, but before we get more in that Goldbear II is in the ring. I’m excited to see who you convinced to face him this time.
“Gotta catch ‘em all, POKEMON!”
On the stage a man comes out dressed in full Ash Ketchum cosplay. He pulls a Pokéball at the entrance tunnel and out walks a Snorelax. The Snorelax barely fits through the tunnel and waddles down the ramp. It climbs up the stairs but cannot get through the ropes. Multiple security guards come out and push him over the ropes and in the ring. The Snorelax lands on his back and struggles his way up and moves to his corner.
Phillips: Was that Wombat dressed as Ash Ketchum?
Magnus: No, it was Ash.
Phillips: I thought he only cosplayed as Mario characters.
Magnus: I said it was Ash.
Phillips: I wonder who’s dressed as Snorelax.
Magnus: That’s a real Snorelax.
Bear Necessities Championship Match
Goldbear II (c) vs Snorelax
Snorelax uses yawn, but it has no affect on the Champion Goldbear II. Snorelax yawns again really hoping to put the champ to sleep, but again it has no affect and now the champ charges. Goldbear II connects with a right paw to the fluffy Snorelax belly, and then a left. The blows push the Snorelax backwards. Goldbear II strikes again left and right, left and right, and before he knows it Snorelax is backed into the corner. Goldbear II continues to clobber away at the fluffy belly of the Pokémon, but the ref counts to 5 and calls for the break. Goldbear II obliges and steps back.
Phillips: The champ on the attack early.
Magnus: Yawn not working really set him back, but he has a high defense stat.
Phillips: This is not really Pokémon right?
Snorelax shakes off the blows in the corner before slowly stepping out back into the center id the ring. Goldbear swings ferociously with a stiff lariat that rips the head right off of the Snorelax costume. The head flies off and rolls around in the mat and no one appears to be inside.
Magnus: Oh my God! He killed my Snorelax!
Phillips: I thought Pokémon just faint?
The Snorelax falls backwards on his back after the head flew off. Snorelax appears to be attempting to use rest to recover, but Goldbear II will not let the Pokémon sleep. He mounts the beast and begins clawing at the stomach of the creature causing stuffing to fly. Goldbear II does not let up until the costume is completely ripped apart and all that remains is Unboxed Ken laying on the mat under Goldbear II. Without the protection of the Snorelax costume Ken quickly taps out.
Winner and STILL Bear Necessities Champion: Goldbear II
Magnus: Welp! So much for getting Ken a new home.
Phillips: So you gave Ken a new home and thought putting him in the ring with Goldbear II was a good plan?
Magnus: I knew it was a bad idea, but it was a condition of him getting the new home. Oh well.
We cut to the Venom estate. Tracy sits alone in the kitchen enjoying some well earned Mother’s Day alone time. She leans back in her chair, an empty plate sits in front of her. She’s looks content, and then she lets out a grown and we hear from off camera.
El Rey: Happy Mother’s Day mom.
And El Rey walks in frame holding a dozen roses. He sets them on the table near Tracy, but she ignores them and her son. He sits down across from her and says.
El Rey: Thank you for always being there for me. And, uh, I’m sorry for everything I’ve put you through.
Tracy rolls her eyes and turns and looks out the window at the backyard view.
El Rey: I, uh, know I’m not your favorite right now. I just want you to know I pulled my swing.
Tracy abruptly stands up, stares at her son, and shoved her chair under the table. She locks eyes with her eldest for a long moment of uncomfortable silence and then abruptly exits and we cut back to ringside.
Magnus: Happy Mother’s Day Tracy!
The lights drop down so that only the entranceway and the ring are illuminated as a deep, throaty, laugh not unlike that of Lemmy of Motorhead gargles over the PA system. However, just as soon as it started it is replaced by the treble-busting vocals of Freddy Mercury of Queen dropping a red hot ballad on y’all. Specifically, “Play the Game” by Queen. As the song persists, “The Mental Killer” Kris “Triple Quake” Quake and “The Corn Snake” Randy Angel- better known as Off the Wagon- walk out. Well, walk is being generous, Randy is stumbling drunk- still drinking from a flask- and Quake’s walk is more of a waddle since he appears to be trying to flex all several of his muscles at the same time. In Triple Quake’s right hand is a Stacker-2-based cocktail and in his left is a bottle of chewable vitamins. They slowly and sloppily make their way down to the ring. Upon entering it, Randy Angel goes up to a turnbuckle and throws up the referee sign for “field goal” and Quake goes to the apron. Suddenly we’re bathed in way too many strobe lights while Triple Quake pours the vitamins into his mouth and chews, then drowns them in the cocktail. If you think this is probably not healthy at all- don’t worry because he SPITS THEM OUT ALL OVER! It looks like vomit as he makes an angry face and flexes at the crowd. Randy calls for a mic in the ring and is tossed one. In his drunken haze he misses the catch, but quickly recovers and picks it up off the mat.
Randy: For weeks we’ve been trying to find opponents worth to face us.
Quake is now also in the ring with his own mic in his hand.
Quake: We were tired of waiting for the Borgs to earn their shot.
Randy: Then one day we were watching YouTube videos.
Quake: Mostly funny dog videos.
Randy: When we came across a show of two independent wrestlers shooting the shit.
Quake: They were right up our ally.
Randy: So we called these jokers up and offered them a shot.
“One fifth for the show!”
Rings out over the P.A. and Brad Badd and Chad Badd the team know as 0.2 walk out onto the stage with mics in hand.
Brad: No music needed because we’re here for gold.
Chad: How could we turn it down when these two mooks invited us here and offered us their gold.
The two walk to the ring, up the stairs, and in as the continue to talk.
Brad: The gold they offered up, though.
Chad: Is not that gold you think it is.
Brad: You see, and old mook can catch a flight to Atlanta and get paid for a fight.
Chad: But the gold they offered us comes with flights somewhere much better.
Brad: Japan.
J-Rok Super Duos Championship Match
Super Sake Presents: Off the Wagon (c) vs 0.2
The bell rings and 0.2 are greeted with spits of alcohol to the face by Randy and Vitamins to the face from Quake.
Chad: My eyes! I can’t see!
Brad: Ah! I think Fred Flinestone is stuck in my eye!
As the two members of 0.2 grab at their eyes they’re nailed by two drunkicks. They’re drop kicks, but sloppy. Even sloppy they’re effective and both members of 0.2 stumble back into the ropes. Off the Wagon charges and clotheslines the two over the ropes to the outside. 0.2 struggle to their feet on the outside while inside Randy puts his foot on the bottom rope and pulls up on the middle rope. Quake runs and dives through ropes connecting with both members of 0.2. Chad and Brad both hit the guard rail back first. Quake quickly grabs Brad and tosses him back in the ring. Randy picks him up to his feet and locks him up with a Big Brother Headlock and quickly follows it up with a Drunk Dropper. He makes the cover and the win.
Winners and STILL J-Rok Super Duos Champions: Super Sake Presents: Off the Wagon
Magnus: Wow. The champs were in rare form tonight.
Phillips: It reeks of Sake in here now.
As Off the Wagon celebrates their win, suddenly, "Am I Evil" by Metallica hits the speakers and the stage fills with mist. Strobe lights go on all throughout the arena. Evil-Borg and Heavymetal-Borg come out together and Heavymetal-Borg is air guitaring to the music. They make their way to the ring throwing up the devil horns and threatening fans. They climb into the ring and Heavymetal head bangs as Evil Borg grabs a mic.
: You think you’re safe? Just keep dodging us! We’re going to get through your gauntlet, and we’re going to get those titles back! You cannot out evil us no matter how hard you try!
Randy tosses Quake a mic.
: Oh yeah, you think you can out evil us? Just because of your name? Or your fancy suits? Or your cool laugh? Well I don’t think so! Heh heh heh.
Randy shakes his head at Quake. Evil steps up to Quake, which causes Randy to rush by his side, which then causes Heavy to have Evil’s back.
: I think so because I know so. I know that my mental acumen is much higher than your brain cell losing, beer swilling dome.
: Well, then why don’t you show me tonight…
As he talks, The Brothers Dutch slide into the ring with chairs!
: …when you face the Brothers Dutch… in a NO HOLDS BARRED MATCH!
Right as he says that, the Brothers hit both Borgs with chairs! Off the Wagon scramble out of the ring as the bell rings.
Phillips: Our dastardly tag team champions may have just screwed the Borgs!
Magnus: Oh man, that’s not cool.
The hulking Milo throws his chair down and pulls Heavy Metal Borg up off the mat so his brother Dave can jab his chair into Heavy’s gut. Milo then turns Heavy around and powerbombs him onto the other chair! At the same time, Dave stands over Evil and raises his chair in the air. Evil kicks him right between the uprights! Dave drops the chair and grabs it and uses it to get himself up to his feet. He slams the chair across Dave’s back. He then turns and hits Milo across the back! But it seems to have no effect on Milo as he stands up. He gets to his feet as Evil slams the chair into his back again! Milo continues to no sell and turns around.
Magnus: I think he got the big guy's attention.
Phillips: Why is it always with the ball shots? I mean, I like mine to get attention, but not like that.
Magnus: How do you mean?
Phillips: …uh… look, Heavy Metal Borg is getting up!
Indeed, Heavy is on his hands and knees and grabs the chair he was powerbombed on as Evil continues to slowly back away from Milo, begging to be left in one piece. Heavy Metal turns the chair sideways, sticks it between Milo’s legs, and brings it up! That time, Milo is forced to react to the chair shot! Milo’s body stands straight up, rigid from the pain. Heavy gets to a crouch position as he keeps the chair between the legs. Evil grabs the other side, and the bring the chair down, and then back up again! And again! And again! Milo’s face turns purple.
Magnus: OOOOOH!
Phillips: I CAN’T LOOK!
Milo falls to his knees and is gasping for air. Then crawls to the apron and starts vomiting to the floor! Dave gets up and looks confused at what Milo is doing, and Heavy and Evil charge him and smack the chair into his face! Dave falls back into the ropes and bounces out into an awaiting Evil Borg, who hits the Domination Slam! He points to the corner and Heavy climbs up. As he does, Evil gives a swift kick to Dave’s nards for good luck. As Dave lays their in pain, holding his groin, Heavy jumps off the top with the Iron Butterfly splash! He covers. One! Two! Three!
Phillips: The Borgs have passed another round of Off the Wagon’s gauntlet!
Magnus: I still feel Milo’s pain.
Quake and Randy look upset as the Borgs celebrate with air guitar as they are want to do.
The lights fade and there's a general feeling of confusion among the crowd.
Philips: What the hell, forget to pay the electric bill again?
Magnus: That is entirely JFK's intern's intern's job. Way above my paygrade.
Some light music begins to play, mysterious until the intro to Asking Alexandria's "The Violence" begins to play. When the drums start, four stone columns, pillars, begin to rise out of the ground. As the first verse ends the last pillar has risen out of the ground and there's a slight pause in the music, enough for one garbled voice to speak...
Voice: You thought we'd stop at one and done? Nah baby, it's time for the sequel.
The chorus then hits us!
"ALL THEY WANTED WAS VIOLENCE! THE VIOLENCE!"
The screen LIGHTS UP with the following image-
And the crowd ERUPTS!
Magnus: Oh my god! Oh Violent Night 2! So soon?!
Philips: My god Magnus we're gonna be in for a treat! The Pillars of Violence are gonna give us another good one!
Energy was being fed in the form of cheap alcohol and a two for $5 corn dog special at the GUNS arena tonight! Fans were rowdy as the show carried on. The referee takes to the ring as the ring announcer stands up and makes their way into the ring.
Announcer: The following match is scheduled for one fall with a thirty minute time limit! This match will be under normal rules, rope breaks count, a ten count when a competitor is outside the ring, and disqualifications are in effect!
Fans begin chanting ‘Hardcore! Hardcore!’
Magnus: Hungry as ever are these folks, aren’t they?
Phillips: A blood thirst here tonight, that is for sure.
Announcer: Introducing first! Hailing from Calgary, Alberta, Canada! Weighing in this evening at 263 pounds and standing 6 foot 6 inches! The MURDER LIZARD, JESSE JAMESTER!
♬♬“You are wrong, fucked, and overrated
I think I'm gonna be sick and it's your fault
This is the end of everything
You are the end of everything” ♬♬
The lyrics slash through the arena sound system as fans explode from their seats! GUNS had come unglued, and that wait for violence was about to be answered by none other than Jesse Jamester. No stranger to the man he would be doing battle with tonight, the Murder Lizard had been on a tear with Greg Adkins recently at the XHF Rumble. Resulting in what we now see as a half melted mask that looks to have been incorporated into the appearance of the wrestler. Black vest, black tights with red barbed wire wrapping around the right leg and up to his waistline in the design of the wrestling trunks. It was as though the honor and intent of being his own man in Canada had now been thrown out the window. Walking like he didn’t give a damn about the fans, Jesse hits the ring fast and bounces back and forth on his feet as he watches the entrance way.
Magnus: Season three kicked off with this man and two others making my insurance coverages insane! Do you hear THEM?
Fans are ballistic as the music fades out and the announcer steps in the ring to continue.
Announcer: Introducing his opponent! Hailing from Boston Massachusetts! Standing at 6 foot 3 inches and weighing in at 207 pounds! He is “The Daemon of Mayhem,” DYLAAAAAAAAAAN BLAAAAAAAAAACK!
“A SPECIAL PLACE IN HEEEEEEEE-E-E-E-ELLLLLL!"
The lights flash green as the riffs to Reid Henry’s hit new single hits the PA system, uplifting and electric! The curtains between the wrestling word and gorilla open up and Dylan pushes his way through them! He pauses, posing for the crowd before strolling down the ramp ever so casually.
Announcer: And making his way to the ring, from Boston Massachusetts! Standing at 6'3" and weighing in at 207 pounds, he is “The Daemon of Mayhem,” DYLAAAAAAAAAAN BLAAAAAAAAAACK!
Dylan rolls under the bottom ropes and waves his hand in the ring, creating a small lightning arc! He gestures in the boos from those in attendance and just gives off the biggest smirk as he walks right up to the mask of his opponent, staring him head on - well a few inches of that anyway. Dylan showed no fear towards the man he started Season 3 of GUNS fighting along with Spike Kane. The wars that followed at Oh Violent Night had the world ablaze with questions. When would we see these sadistic bastards finally get in the ring and face off again? Well damn-it! Mother’s everywhere, this one's for you!
Phillips: Big fight feels hardly live up to the hype don’t they?
Magnus: That’s why we didn’t put it on the card - give these fans a treat I say!
Phillips: No bomb, no bust - good business.
Magnus: Like I know any other way of doing things. (scoffs)
Grudge Match
30-Minute Time Limit
Dylan Black vs. Jesse Jamester
Bell sounds and Dylan and Jesse stare off in their respective corners. The facials of Dylan tell the story of a cautious man, not worried, but prepared for what he knows of his foe. Black had every reason to take his time here - the rules would favor the traditionalist of the art. Dylan knew he could work on the body and draw it out, a test of endurance would favor him in this one. Yet instead of attacking like Jesse wanted, Dylan hung back and instead threw a middle finger up at JJ!
Magnum: That got his attention.
Phillips: Business is about to pick up.
Magnum: I should have called the insurance company and asked for extra coverage tonight… Damn it!
Dylan stands there leaning in his corner as Jesse Jamester rushes the corner and stops short as Dylan goes to a grapple stance. The two exchange attempts at a leverage grapple victory and instead Dylan is kicked in the gut by JJ, who snaps him back with a chop to the chest and a short clothesline into the corner pads. Dylan headbuttes Jesse’s nose area, seeking effectiveness, and elbows the upper chest of the Murder Lizard. The exchange of vicious strikes being absorbed as both men dished them out was a sight to see. Fans rocking in their seats, many a fan of the Daemon of Mayhem, a former two time X*Crown Champion.
Phillips: Dylan has some sense to him, not going pound for pound or inch for inch, yet holding his own.
Magnum: His resume speaks volumes but he’s still banned after this match… I only made an exception.
Phillips: You think these men listen to anyone? (Laughs as he covers his mic)
Stiff kicks to the outside of the knees of JJ, and Dylan Black has Jesse in the corner on the defense. Dylan is driving the kicks in like a batter swinging for recruits. Caught on a lazy upper body kick, Jesse snatches the leg by the ankle and bursts forward to turn hook on the belly-to-belly overhead release suplex to Dylan! Dylan flies across the ring and is met with a quick basement dropkick from the goliath to keep him floored. Jesse delivers a few stomps to the small of Dylan’s back before twisting Dylan’s arm around. He uses Dylan’s arm to drag him up and pull him in for a JesterPlex!
But as Dylan is spun around he pushes off of JJ’s back flying to the ropes. He catches himself before toppling over, dangling from the top rope before he pulls himself up onto the apron. Jesse tries to grab him but Dylan ducks and drives his shoulder into the gut of JJ, before trying to flip him up and over the ropes. Jesse plants himself and drives a double axe handle into Black’s back, and as Dylan slumps on the second rope Jesse rears back with a giant kick! Dylan falls to the outside by the barricade and JJ cracks his neck before stepping over the ropes and standing on the apron staring down at Dylan.
Philips: The action has spilled to the outside and now we’re all in danger!
Magnus: Murder on the murder lizard’s mind! And duh, if they’re not locked in a concrete box we’re all in danger.
Jesse hops down and straight into a shove from Dylan, backing him into the apron! JJ bounces off the metal frame beneath the curtain and drops to his knees. Just long enough for Dylan to run at him, PUNT KICK! No! Jesse grabs his leg and tries to leg drag him into the stairs just for Dylan to disconnect his leg and cartwheel over the stairs. He plays possum on the opposite side of the stairs before Jesse stalks over, leg still in hand before Dylan jumps up and hangs off the back of his neck like a child getting a piggy back ride! Except this ride is meant to choke out the monster. And it’s momentarily effective before Jesse spins him around and sends him spine first into the steel post!
Magnus: These two are evenly matched thus far! You wouldn’t think a one armed, half brained fool would be able to stand up against the mighty Jesse!
Philips: That insult’s a bit rich coming from you.
Magnus: Excuse me?!
Dylan drops to the floor, holding his back in pain. JJ rolls in and out of the ring to reset the 10 count and this split second gives Dylan enough time to recover and grabs Jesse’s leg, rolling back for a calf crusher! Jesse screams and drags himself and Dylan around before Dylan lets go, stomping on JJ’s calf for extra emphasis. But Jesse, like the terminator he is is already getting to his feet. Dylan slinks into the ring, running the ropes and nailing a suicide dive on the murder lizard! Jesse flies into the guard rail back first and Dylan uses this opportunity to light him up with some chops and punches, going back and forth to wear the monster down. A few stray kicks are thrown in to the tree trunk legs of Jesse to bring him down to his knees. Before a leg scissors take down is reversed as Dylan gets caught up and then broken across Jesse’s knee with a gut breaker!
Now firmly back in control, JJ rolls Dylan into the ring and begins to lay in on Dylan like he’s just landed a Thesz press. Tons of punches down on the Daemon before Jesse stacks him up, getting just a one-and-a-half for his efforts. Dylan pushes himself off the mat and rolls to the ropes, using them to help himself to his feet. Jesse tries to run at him for a clothesline to the outside but Dylan drags the ropes down, sending Jesse up and over. Dylan nails a pele kick to Jesse as a thank you but then drags Jesse under the top rope and spikes him head first on the mat with a DDT!
Dylan drags JJ to the center of the ring but only gets a 1-count for his time. He slams his fist on the mat frustrated, before beginning some stump pulls on the legs of Jesse. Really making it so it’s gonna hurt to walk. Dylan rolls Jesse onto his stomach and locks in an ankle lock, cranking the ankle of the Murder Lizard! He grape vines around the ankle and twists and pulls on JJ. Though he isn’t like a lizard (or Dylan for that matter) so he can’t lose a limb and reattach/grow it back. Just wallow in that pain.
Philips: Dylan has Jesse right where he wants him! So much for a one-armed half-brained fool, right?
Magnus: *grumbles*
Jesse suffers for a minute or so, before he drags himself to the ropes nearby! The ref counts Dylan one, two, three, four! Dylan lets up just before the five, but the damage has likely been done. Jesse tries to put some weight on that leg but it’s all give. Perfect as Dylan starts delivering some lethal kicks to the giant from GUNS. Jesse stumbles into a corner, battered and bruised but still with some fight left in him. He lifts his dead leg as Dylan runs in for a splash and that knocks the ferocious youngster back for a bit, but Dylan is able to come back in with a knee to the face.
Satisfied with how loopy JJ has been knocked, Dylan takes a moment pandering to the crowd. Listening to their wants and their violent desires. He laments and wishes he could fulfill them but knows how clean this needs to be. Dylan goes back to Jesse and lifts him all the way to the top rope, before getting his block damn near knocked off by a big elbow from the Canadian Nightmare. Jesse climbs to the very top, wobbly on his leg but ready for something big. But then Dylan hops up on the top rope, he delivers a few stiff elbows to the side of Jesse’s head. He then links legs and grabs him across the shoulders, oh shit what’s he going for? SPANISH FLY! BUT JESSE ROTATES IN THE FALL, HE POWERSLAMS DYLAN OFF THE TOP AND DYLAN EATS ALL OF IT!
Magnus: Good god! With all that, I thought Dylan would have ended Jesse right then and there!
Philips: Sometimes it takes one misstep to ruin your day.
Jesse and Dylan are both laying in the middle of the mat, huffing and puffing as their wits come back and they regain their senses. Nothing but air right now was being sought as these two endgame players would look to find their footing and continue with a duke out of fist for fist.
A heavy right by Dylan!
A return right by Jesse!
Kick to the knee by Dylan!
Jesse falters as he takes a right to the chin!
Back body drop! Jesse gets Dylan over as he tries to hit the Tiger suplex! Dylan to his feet quickly, Jesse runs at him with a knee but Dylan uses the top rope to deliver a roundhouse kick that sends Jesse to a knee. Hooking the neck, Dylan uses the ropes and tornado DDT! SPIKING JESSE’S HEAD INTO THE CANVAS!
Magnus: That’ll split your wig!
Phillips: He’s taken harder.
Magnus: Oh no doubt, but that was concussion certified!
Dylan rolls Jesse over and drags him back a foot or two, getting that distance from the bottom rope like a veteran. His sense of awareness is on point and without hesitation Dylan Black takes to the turnbuckle straight ahead of Jesse’s body. Bouncing off the second rope to the top rope, a picture perfect moonsault as the swan like body of the Daemon of Mayhem floats in the air. It could be captured in one of the thousands of lightbulbs and camera phones flashing throughout the GUNS arena - but it was caught perfectly by the eyes of it’s receiver! BOOOM!
1!
2!
3—
Shoulder up! How in the bloody hell did Jesse Jamester get the shoulder up on that one?! The fans were rabid with enthusiasm, and Dylan Black looked tested. His demeanor showed in the grit and his teeth clenching down as he smacks Jesse’s back as he hooks him under the arm and lifts him to a standing position. The weight difference may have played a part, but Dylan Black had no falter in his execution – lifting the Murder Lizard on his shoulders, he was going to end it with the Death Valley Driver!
Magnus: This is it! Dylan is writing the final smash bars to this song, and Jesse Jamester will be the footnote to the Maestro of Mayhem’s ballad!
Phillips: It’s up!
Magnus: WHAT THE FUCK IS HE DOING HERE!
Those words scream like a banshee as the face of Greg Adkins stands on the apron, tethered jeans and a hobo look with a torn up flannel covering the smell of unwashed merch he got from last years Call to Arms. Greg’s disruptance at this time came unnerving to Dylan Black, who for all intensive purposes was done right now if he dropped Jesse Jamester like a railroad nail and put this track back on coarse!
FLASSSSH BAANG!
Pyro!?!!?!
Magnus: THAT FUCKER SHOT A FIREBALL!
Phillips: What— is this– wizardry?
Magnus: Greg Adkins just hit Jesse and Dylan Black with those flames, as he breathes fire into the ring with some kind of device he is using in his right hand and — I guess it’s alcohol he’s spitting?! Where the hell did Security go!? I paid for the full 3 hours!
The referee signals for the bell as he ducks out of the ring and Jesse is dropped off Dylan’s back as they both try to protect their eyes and mask of the flames. Jesse is brushed with another wave of flames as Greg directs the attack at him, still on the apron! Dylan gets to the apron and rolls out, grabbing a near by chair he rushes at Greg Adkins on the side forcing him into the ring. Adkins turns and sees Jesse Jamester staring him down.
Phillips: Bad place to be.
Magnus: FIRE! Greg Adkins just signed his death certificate! Hell, I better get my insurance premium checked - I doubt we’re up to fire code… Fuckin’ Greg!
Dylan rushes the ring swinging the chair as Greg blasts Jesse with the fire one more time and dives out of the ring to avoid the chairshot. Jesse is blinded and swinging wildly, the mask showing char as his hair smoked at the burnt ends.Greg Adkins had enraged an already angry man, and now had Dylan Black also on his ass. Dylan tosses the chair at Greg who scurries up the ramp, grinning his toothy grin like a cellar dwelling rat king.
The familiar sight of dirty, orange, webbed feet using a picture of his Mom as a coaster, greet Magnus as he enters his office. Sitting behind the GUNS founders’ desk is the XHF Gobbledygooker – known in circles more fearful of WWE’s lawyers as the Dirty Byrd. No sooner does Magnus spot the Phoenix champion, then a flashback to their last encounter occurs, only before he can avoid the trap – XHF Shockmaster has slammed the door shut. A captive audience.
XHF Shockmaster: Whoops.
Magnus: It’s always nice of you two to drop in... but I have email you know!
Dirty Byrd: Where else am I going to shower, Magnus? Besides that’s so informal – I really like to do business face to face. There is no room for interpretation or error. For instance, at this point, I’m FAR more likely to defend this Phoenix belt against you than I am against my dear friend, Red. So you can only imagine my disappointment when I heard about tonight’s little line-up.
Magnus: To be brutally honest, we only have your word that you two somehow had a contest inside of Ursusla.
Dirty Byrd: A classic for the ages. A back and forth clash of titans, running the better part of three hours, before I finally got the decisive victory with my technical prowess and superior strength-
Magnus: No one can actually figure out how you were able to win the title. So it seemed only reasonable to have a rematch-
Dirty Byrd: Good for you, Magnus, giving preferential treatment to your husband.
Magnus: Soon to be ex. My marital status has nothing to do with this; he is the former champion, and entitled to a shot.
Dirty Byrd: See I guess it’s just the cynic in me... but it seems like, Red is threatening to own this place, and Mongo is threatening to burn it down unless something is done about yours truly... and you set this match in motion hoping that we would take each other out.
Magnus: I’m sure the thought never crossed my mind.
Dirty Byrd: ...You really don’t know your hubby very well. Even if Red wants to throttle me to death for an alleged shiv spree, his conscience will make him fall just short – and I’m too much of a survivor to EVER relinquish this belt. You had a good plan, but the wrong pieces at play. Why do what’s good for Mongo, when you can do right by you?
Magnus: Look I have to get back to commentary, so if you have a point beyond trying to weasel out of your match tonight, I wish you’d make it.
Dirty Byrd: ...Given how much Fury has done for the company, I think it’s high time you put him up for an X*Crown shot. Don’t you?
Magnus blinks.
Dirty Byrd: I’m sure that Sainovic kid can give you EXACTLY what you need without me getting my feathers filthy.
Shockmaster opens the door.
Dirty Byrd: Well, you’d better get back to it. They have probably finished changing the ring, and I think you have some alterations to announce.
Magnus does the math in his head. He might have a shot at that insurance payout yet. Leaving the XHF Irregular Army in his office, Magnus marches out into the hallway to flag down a production assistant.
Magnus: Let the television crew know we have a new main event.
The GUNS owner stomps down the hall towards the arena entrance, while the camera lingers on the Wombat family.
Ms. Wombat: It was really sweet of you to send me to a spa for Mother’s Day-
L.A. Wombat: It was the least I could do hon, I know how much you had to take on while I was inside a bear...
Ms. Wombat: …except I had to cancel because I’m looking after Wombat Junior while you appear on this show!
L.A. Wombat: I’m sorry hon. You know what Magnus is like; if it’s a holiday he needs to run a show. He must be very lonely.
Ms. Wombat: I know – but just this one holiday? Just this one? Couldn’t you have taken this show off?
L.A. Wombat: Ma is in the battle royale. It’s her mother’s day too...
Ms. Wombat: Fine, since I’m here anyway, I might as well enter it too-
L.A. Wombat: It’s only for the wrestler’s Moms...
Ms. Wombat: Then start tagging with Junior, because at this rate it’s the only time he’ll ever have to see his father.
The long-suffering wife of the future XHF Hall of Famer storms off towards the ring entrance.
The camera cuts to the announce table, where the Wombat family drama has given Magnus just enough time to join Tom Phillips.
Magnus: WELCOME BACK FANS! FOR THOSE OF YOU JUST JOINING US, THIS IS AN EXCITING MOTHER’S DAY EPISODE OF GUNS! GUNS! WHERE THE REAL MOTHERS PLAY!
Phillips: Speaking of which, don’t adjust your sets, the dozens of mature women currently making their way down the aisle are NOT filming content for the GILF CRUISER website – those are actually the Moms of the XHF.
Magnus: That is right, we’re having a special Mother’s Day battle royal, with many XHF Superstar’s mothers participating. Many wearing ring attire similar to their famous progeny. WHY THERE IS THOB’S MOTHER NOW!
Phillips: ...That’s my mother.
Magnus: ...
Phillips: ...
Magnus: This was supposed to be a battle royal? Who replaced the ropes with barbwire?!
Phillips: When he found out who had family members involved in the contest, the commissioner insisted on the sharper stipulation.
Magnus: Commissioner? COMMISSIONER! That’s just his shtick, not real! Mongo hasn’t actually installed him as GUNS’ commissioner. Probably.
Phillips: I understand what you’re trying to say, Magnus. But who is actually going to tell Zoran, no?
Magnus: Redmond Fury, that’s who! Tonight Zoran Sainovic will be putting his X*Crown on the line against my beau – and either I’ll be a very rich widower, or there will be no strap keeping Mongo’s little punishment here!
Phillips: That is a heck of a main event. And now it looks like all the Moms have gotten into the ring, so we can get this show on the road!
MOTHER’S DAY
BARBWIRE BATTLE ROYAL
Featuring... All Your Moms
DING! DING! DING!
No sooner does the bell ring, than about four dozen older women start wailing on each other.
Magnus: Pier-six brawl!
Phillips: Look at them go! It’s very difficult for me to avoid sexualizing this situation.
Magnus: Must be new for you.
Phillips: Stick it to ‘em, Mom!
Magnus: And Phyllis – Mother of Quake - has Dylan Black’s Mom Hailey up against the barbwire.
Phillips: When the XHF stars see how you treated their Mothers, there is going to be hell to pay.
Magnus: I didn’t barbwire up the ring- Zoran did!
Phillips: Try telling them that- HAILEY BLACK DUMPED OUT TO THE FLOOR! She has been eliminated! Nasty landing.
Magnus: I’ll say. It looks like she’ll need an artificial hip. Replacement parts. Must run in the family.
Phillips: Dylan is going to kill you.
Magnus: HE’S BANNED! He can’t touch me here.
MEANWHILE... BACKSTAGE
GUNS wrestlers sit in the locker room watching the show via monitor, cheering family members on - when suddenly the screen goes blank.
East L.A. Wombat: HEY, we were watching that!
Harsh Winter Pilgrim: My Mom came all the way over on the Mayflower for this-
Dirty Byrd: Just look them up on GILF Cruiser.
The wrestlers grumble as Dirty Byrd pulls out the signal wires, setting up a PS4.
Dirty Byrd: I don’t even watch good wrestling, why would I watch GUNS?
The boys seem ready to kill him, but the imposing figures of XHF Shockmaster and XHF The Shark keep the malcontents at bay. Pretty soon, Byrd is playing Red Dead Redemption 2. Mostly hog tying women and feeding them to alligators.
Dirty Byrd: You miss these little things when trapped inside a bear...
The bitching by the boys soon dies down, as a new tension fills the locker room.
Redmond Fury has entered.
Outside of a disorienting minute in the Phoenix unification match, The Buckeye Bruiser and XHF Gobbledygooker haven’t set eyes on one another since Byrd left Fury for dead inside a bear.
Arthur Morgan: I GAVE YOU ALL I HAD!
Dirty Byrd: ...This game really speaks to me.
Redmond Fury: BYRD.
The Goobledygooker turns from his Red Dead fix with a fiendish grin.
Dirty Byrd: Red, funny running into you here... this is a lot to DIGEST.
Redmond Fury: If that gives you acid reflux, Byrd, just wait for later tonight, when I shove my boot down your throat.
Dirty Byrd: Oh, you didn’t hear? Card subject to change. Looks like our little reunion has been put on hold.
Redmond Fury: Well, there is no need to make it official.
The Buckeye Bruiser charges at the Phoenix champion, only for a few more XHF Knockoffs to get between them. The GUNS portion of the locker room is clearly in Fury’s corner, but there are enough wrestlecrap rip-offs to separate the two.
Redmond Fury: You’re on borrowed time, Byrd.
Dirty Byrd: Says the regurgitated beef. What’s your expiry date pal?
As the locker room into a wild brawl, the image switches-
BACK IN THE RING-
Randy Angel is stomping a hole in Noel Edmonds’ 95-year-old mother, Lydia.
Magnus: Randy! What are you doing in the ring?
Randy Angel: People are always telling me I’m a mother-
Grabbing a fistful of Lydia’s hair, Randy tosses her over the top – only for her neck to get caught in the barbwire.
Magnus: Noel Edmonds’ mom stuck playing hangman with that sharp razor wire – and if the Crinky Bottom Boys needed a another reason to come gunning for Off The Wagon, I think it’s safe to say that Randy just gave it to them.
Phillips: Randy charges across the ring with a knee, and knocks Lydia to the floor!
Magnus: He seems pleased with himself.
Phillips: We’re now down to-
While Randy is celebrating, Ms. Wombat catches him from behind with a chop block. He hangs onto the barbwire to balance himself, but this just sets Angel up for a vicious closeline!
Magnus: Randy sent falling out to the floor – landing on top of Lydia - it looks rather indecent.
Phillips: Man, is Noel ever going to be pissed. Blobby wouldn’t even get his Mom to try out that position.
The crowd cheer as only the female members of the Wombat family remain.
Phillips: MA Wombat, the matriarch of the Wombat family, offering her daughter-in-law some cleaning advice...
Magnus: BIG BOOT TO THE MIDSECTION doubles the substantially older woman over, and Ms. Wombat lifts MA up for- POWERBOMB OVER THE TOP ROPE!
Phillips: Fortunately, Lydia Edmonds and Randy broke Ma’s fall... her feet still touched the floor though.
DING! DING! DING!
Magnus: The winner of the FIRST annual Mother’s Day Barbwire Battle Royale, THAT FEROCIOUS FEMALE FIGHTER OF GUNS,
MSSSSSSSSSSS WOMBAAAAAAT!
A Wombat chant goes across the arena, as Ms. Wombat poses in the corner, possibly the most successful member of her wrestling dynasty with the one win. Out on the floor L.A. and Junior look after Ma, who seems to be bleeding out thanks to the barbwire.
We ask all talent to add
#IStandwithMongo 👣
To your promos. Let Mongo know you support him even though he loves feet.
We cut back to the action in the ring where New Deal are already waiting in the ring.
Phillips: Already in the ring is tonights enhancment talent.
Magnus: I'll have you know that Ryan and Christopher Velez once won a sandwich in a lader match.
Phillips: All they are going to win tonight is a knuckle sandwich from my boys Chaos Theory!
Magnus: You're such a fan boy.
Phillips: FUCK MONGO!
The lights go out as guitar feedback is heard before becoming a riff, smoke filling up the stage.
“CHAOS! CHAOS! CHAOS! CHAOS!
CHAOS! CHAOS! CHAOS! CHAOS!”
Strobe lights begin to flash wildly as Spike Kane and PRICE step through the smoke.
“Bombs dropping on the runway, the oceans overflow
I know for certain, one day I'll see you down below
I'll find some solace someday, and you'll reap what you sow
I'll see you Bloody Sunday (so you can break my soul)”
The two men begin to slowly make their way down the ramp, taking in the pop from the crowd and their opponents in the ring.
“No one can save you, no one can save you
The chaos awaits you!”
When they reach the ring they split up and each pick a side, before climbing up onto the ring apron and up onto the turnbuckle.
“I can't see tomorrow 'cause I might die toda
I sing this sorrow with a smile on my face
Oh-oh-oh-oh, oh-oh-oh-oh-oh
I can't see tomorrow, are we dead or alive?
When the blind lead the blind in the”
The lights begin to flash wildly again as both men climb down off the turnbuckle and meet in the middle crossing their arms into an X across their chests and bumping fists together as they do.
“CHAOS! CHAOS! CHAOS! CHAOS!
The blind lead the blind in the-
CHAOS! CHAOS! CHAOS! CHAOS!
CHAOS! CHAOS! CHAOS! CHAOS!”
The music fades as the lights return to normal, and both teams begin to strategise.
Tag Team Match
New Deal vs Chaos Theory
Ryan and Spike start the match hot as Ryan comes charging in at Spike trying to use his speed to his advantage but he winds up swinging at air as Spike ducks under hooks his waist and hits Ryan with a snap german suplex.
Phillips: Ryan got a little over zealous there and paid for it.
Magnus: I'm pretty sure Spike just drilled him on his head.
Spike goes and picks up Ryan with a front face lock, Spike looks over at PRICE who taps his wrist yelling "Time is money Bee, wrap this up." Spike shurgs and lifts Ryan up.
Phillips: Spike Impailer!!!!!!!!
Magnus: Well that's all she wrote.
Spike goes for the cover.
One...two...Spike lifts Ryan up by the hair before the three count as PRICE yells "Oh come on!" Spike just gives an evil smirk to his partner and tosses Ryan over to his corner. Chris reluctantly tags himself in as Spike backs up and tags PRICE in, Ryan goes to charge in trying to catch PRICE on his way into the ring but he's caught in mid stride with a BLOODY SUNDAY! As he turns to fall PRICE comes flying in and connects with a PRICE CRASH!
Phillips: The Alpha and Omega!
Magnus: The beginning and end of all tag teams on the XHF Network.
PRICE points down at the dead Chris Velez in the ring asking Spike "Now? Can we now pin him and be done with this?" Spike nods and PRICE just steps on Chris. One two three count to hundred it doesn't matter no one is getting up from that combination.
Phillips: Winners of this match, and my heart, CHAOS THEORY!
Magnus: We REALLY need to work on your marking out.
Phillips: Do you think they'd choke me?
Magnus: What?
Phillips: What?
Chaos Theory not being paid by the hour make leave of the ring and arena to continue their adventures in Ireland, will PRICE catch a leprechaun? Only if he does enough acid.
We ask all talent to add
#IStandwithMongo 👣
To your promos. Let Mongo know you support him even though he loves feet.
Magnus: The following contest is for the XHF Phoenix Championship-
Voice: WHAT BULLSHIT IS THIS?
Magnus: Entering first-
Voice: KNOCK THAT OFF!
The champion stomps out of the back.
Dirty Byrd: We agreed my opponent would get a different title shot!
Magnus: Yes, but that doesn’t mean you have the night off-
Dirty Byrd: You lousy fink-
Magnus: ALREADY OUT – THE CHAMPION – AND HIS OPPONENT-
Cursing, Byrd starts to leave, just as Unboxed Ken comes out of the back. The former Boxed star is still looking for a new crate to protect him from the world, but a paper bag over his head is helping with crippling agoraphobia.
XHF PHOENIX CHAMPIONSHIP
Dirty Byrd © vs. Unboxed Ken
Phillips: Before Byrd can exit, Ken cuts off his retreat!
Magnus: Along with having his sidekick injure Ken, Byrd spent the weeks that Ken was in an iron lung tormenting him on a daily bases.
Phillips: Ken can hardly contain the rage in his eyes, and Byrd back peddling to the ring like his life depended on it. Which it might!
The XHF Gobbledygooker makes a few attempts to dart around the larger man, but keeps getting cut off. Pulling out his trusty shiv, Byrd goes for the eye – but Ken blocks, landing a haymaker that sends the feathered fiend rolling further down the aisle.
Phillips: Big left hook knocked Byrd off his feet, and that shiv sent flying.
Magnus: Some lucky fan is going home with a nice souvenir.
Rolling with the momentum, Byrd decides to take it into the ring. Ken follows after, only to get stomped as he’s halfway under the ropes. Happy to leave Ken down in the ring, Byrd again turns to leave. No sooner do his feet hit the concrete, than Ken has reached through the ropes and grabbed a fistful of feathers.
Phillips: Byrd again trying to walk out on the match, but Ken YANKING him back into the ring.
Magnus: Lugging that box around all these years must have really left him a powerhouse, because Ken just tossed Byrd across the ring like a ragdoll – and follows him over with an avalanche!
The force of the avalanche causes feathers to fall off of the Gobbledygooker outfit. Holding his back in agony, Byrd staggers out before face planting. Ken drops a few elbows on Byrd, before going for the pin. 1. 2. Foot in the ropes. Ken grinds in a few more elbows for good measure. Then starts twisting Byrd into a square shape.
Magnus: Ken forcing Byrd into his BOX Crusher.
Phillips: Referee Blind Stubbs asking the champion if he submits...
Dirty Byrd: SUCK A #*#& YOU SLACK JAWED, BARGAIN BASEMENT MOTHER#*$#ING #&#^ #^#^#^ SALLY STRUTHERS #&@^#& HAMSTER #^@&#^#^#^^#^#^ AND THE $#%#%$^ you rode in on!
Getting sick of Byrd’s colourful language – Ken turns the move into his patented Box Breaker.
Magnus: BOX BREAKER!!!!!
ONE!
TWO!
Phillips: Shockmaster up on the apron, and the referee stops the count to tell him off.
Magnus: COME ON REF! We were looking at a new Phoenix champion!
Picking up the unconscious Dirty Byrd, Ken tosses him like a lawn dart – catching Shockmaster in the throat. The XHF knockoff falls off the apron to the floor with a “Whooops” while the impact causes Byrd to fall back into the ring. Still on the attack, Ken kicks Byrd in the back of the head – again loosening a lot of feathers, before planting him with a pumphandle slam.
Magnus: KEN WITH A GORILLA PRESS SENDS BYRD FLYING INTO THE FORTH ROW-
Phillips: And rather than let him body surf, the audience part, leaving nothing but concrete and steel chairs to break his fall. That’s harsh.
As the referee starts another ten count, Unboxed Ken heads out to the floor to retrieve his rag doll. As Ken moves towards Byrd on the floor, however, Shockmaster handcuffs him to the steel guardrail.
Magnus: What are you blind ref?
Phillips: It’s Stubbs.
Magnus: OH. Right. Referee unable to see Shockmaster handcuffing Ken to the guardrail, and here comes Byrd skipping back over.
With one free arm, Ken tries to punch Shockmaster – who stands just out of reach. Byrd uses the distract to pull some of Ken’s stitches loose. Bleeding from the side, Ken swings his arm around for a bionic elbow – but Byrd rolls under it. As Ken struggles to free himself – Byrd slides back into the ring.
Blind Stubbs: 1! 2! 3! 4!
Magnus: Byrd looked like he’d be happy with a count out finish at the start, and nothing has changed that.
Blind Stubbs: 5! 6! 7!
Phillips: Ken using that spectacular strength to pull the panel of guardrail he’s attached to loose! Ken dragging the guardrail with him as he heads back to the ring.
Just as he’s about to slide under the bottom rope, Dirty Byrd yanks the paper bag off of Ken’s head. Eyes rolling back in his head, the extreme agoraphobe slumps to the concrete in the throws of a panic attack.
Blind Stubbs: 8! 9! 10!
DING! DING! DING!
Phillips: Ken was robbed!
Magnus: THE WINNER OF THIS MATCH AS THE RESULT OF A COUNTOUT, AND STILL XHF PHOENIX CHAMPION-
THE XHF GOBBLEDYGOOKER!
Unable to breathe, mad with panic, Ken starts to crawl under the canvas for the relatively enclosed space under the ring. Only for Byrd to grab his ankle, and producing another pair of handcuffs – clamp it to the bottom rope. It’s an awkward enough angle, that Ken can find no safety – completely exposed for all to see.
Phillips: Here comes security.
Magnus: Good! The last time Ken messed with these diabolical knockoffs he spent almost two months in hospital.
Security get between the wrestlers. Watching Ken struggle to breathe while attached to the ring, Byrd can’t help but laugh – then swallow the key.
Magnus: These two play for keeps.
Phillips: I can’t help but think between Fury and Ken; Byrd is going to get his soon.
Magnus: Yeah, but will Mongo cancel us first?
We ask all talent to add
#IStandwithMongo 👣
To your promos. Let Mongo know you support him even though he loves feet.
The Heavy's "Big Bad Wolf" blasts over the PA system.
#With Time Slipping Away#
#I Can't Say What I'll Do...#
#You Got Nothing To Saaaaaaaaaaaay#
#'Til I Tell You Who's Whoooooooooooooo#
#You Know Why?#
The flash of a blade draws attention to the entrance curtains, just as a scythe cuts them down. Stepping out into GUNS arena, the X*Crown champion surveys the crowd, looking for familiar faces from the Easter special that honour dictates he must now disembowel. A few mental notes are made for parking lot beat downs, but Zoran Sainovic has never been more thankful that he as a list of season ticket holders to slice back on. Red and orange pyro cast the middle age European in a light that is reminiscent of hell.
#Cos I'm The Big Bad Wolf#
#(What You Say)#
#I'm The Big Bad Wolf#
#(What You Say)#
#I'm The Big Bad Wolf#
Rather than carry his 22 world titles around with him, The Final Boss has had a custom-made lapel pin to represent his XHF Overlord status. Against his black Armani suit, the small pin is a classy alternative to the ostentatious physical crown worn by the previous holder. It would almost be commendable if you weren’t sure the stones used in the pin cost more than the other straps combined. Making his way down the aisle, GUNS commissioner has less garbage thrown at him – the audience slightly terrified at the consequences of further upsetting the boss.
#And I'm Blowing Down Your Neighbourhood#
Picking up a microphone at ringside, Zoran uses the steps to enter the ring. As the Final Boss centers himself, a second volley of pyro is set off.
#I SAID#
#AAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO#
The music fades and the house lights rise, leaving only the dagger gaze of The XHF Devil to fall on the announce position.
Zoran Sainovic: GUNS. After ze warm reception zat I received on your Easter Special, I really didn’t want to deprive you of ze X*Crown. So imagine how pleased I was when my dear friend, Mongo-
The audience don’t like that at all.
Zoran Sainovic: -called me up and said: “Zoran you king of kings, given how you were able to trick us into thinking that SWAT was somehow respectable, despite its criminally insane ownership; do you think you can provide similar turd polishing for GUNS?” A challenge worthy of a Final Boss. Use my superior management skills to save zis pathetic federation from Magnus? I deeply regret ze time spent on ze last organization I cleaned up... but perhaps zis will provide a happier ending?
Thin lips curls into a sinister grin.
Zoran Sainovic: Now, apparently Steve Awesome isn’t as pliable as his name implies. While Stevie rehabs “multiple career ending injuries,” rediscovers ze joy of diapers and drinks himself into ze gutter – I find myself going to ze next name on my BIG FIVE hunt list. SO MAGNUS - WHERE ZE HELL IS EL REY?
Magnus: He fucked off to IPW the minute he lost the crown.
Zoran Sainovic: IPW? Zis won’t do. You don’t get to headline seven shows, zen cut your losses when it is no longer opportune. Who jumps next to Infinite, Spike Kane? It erodes our brand. You ask ze average XHF fan to name five GUNS stars, and zey’ll be hard pressed – not because zis federation doesn’t have recognizable faces, but folks scratch zeir heads wondering if Quake works for us or J-RoK. Zis total lack of consequence or loyalty can be traced back to your questionable example, Magnus. No more. Zere are going to be some SERIOUS changes around here. And if El Rey zinks he can dine and dash, well, I’ll give him lessons in responsibility zat VENOM should have taught him decades ago... even if I have to go to Infinite and DRAG El Rey back here kicking and screaming.
Phillips: Wait, doesn’t that mean the commish will be freelancing too?
Magnus: You really don’t want him to hear you pointing out holes in his self-serving logic, Tom.
Zoran Sainovich: Zere is a new guiding light. Speaking of which, since I basically have ze book. Why ze hell am I defending against Fury tonight?!
Devo’s Gut Feeling plays over the PA system, as The Buckeye Bruiser steps out onto the entranceway. The longest reigning Phoenix champion seems less than thrilled that the theme music that Dirty Byrd stuck him with as a joke INSIDE A BEAR has apparently caught on. This animosity turns to the older man in the ring...
Redmond Fury: Apparently while I was incapacitated, you took it upon yourself to dress like me, Sainovic. Under that highly offensive disguise, you made many valid points about me being a viable X*Crown contender. Now at this point in my career, I’m less motivated by gold, and more interested in settling the score with people who took advantage of my bear situation. There are plenty of guys who did me far worse than you, Sainovic, but since we’re both here- title or no title- I figured I’d educate you on the finer insensitivities of a Caucasian pretending to be Asian – with my fists.
Eyes darting about to make a report on his target, Zoran Sainovic notes that Fury still has his ribs taped up, the right leg is sporting a heavy-duty brace, and one arm is in a cast. Apparently seven months being digested by a large animal has not been kind to Fury. Who knew? Conclusion: He is not in fighting form. Magnus has clearly set his husband as a lamb to the slaughter.
Zoran Sainovic (knowing smile): If zat’s how you feel, Fury. I’m nothing if not a fighting champion.
Redmond Fury: GUNS means a lot to me- to all of us. I’m not going to let you ruin it.
Zoran Sainovic: It’s good to see zat your time in zat bear hasn’t shrunken your sense of self-worth. Perhaps I should force feed you to a smaller animal?
Redmond Fury: The only meal going down tonight are the teeth I kick down your throat!
The crowd go nuts as Redmond Fury makes his way down to the ring.
X*Crown Championship
“The Final Boss”
Zoran Sainovic (c)
Vs.
“The Buckeye Bruiser”
Redmond Fury
DING! DING! DING!
Phillips: Test of strength- even with one hand, Fury coming out on top.
Magnus: I don’t believe those bear stories for a minute. Redmond was clearly just hiding out at a gym this whole time. Pumping iron while making me look bad.
Phillips: Losing the strength, our commissioner uses his free hand to chop Fury in the eyes.
The lock-up is broken. Both hands free, Zoran starts to pepper off jabs to Fury’s jaw – only stopping to fire off stiff body shots to the taped up ribs. Not wanting to throw a punch with his cast covered right hand, Fury tries to cover-up as best he can while firing off a few left hooks of his own.
Magnus: You knew these two were going to be a wild brawl-
Phillips: But Zoran is a mean striker to begin with, before adding the advantage of fighting an opponent using one arm.
Magnus: Don’t sell the Buckeye Bruiser short. Redmond still has a lot of power behind those shots.
A left hook catches Zoran on the temple, staggering him. Fury tries to press the advantage, but an incensed Final Boss answers with an Eastern European Uppercut. This is just like a regular European uppercut, but straight to the windpipe. As Fury gasps, Zoran lays in a few more of these cheap shots – forcing the larger man into the corner. Climbing onto the middle ropes, Zoran starts reigning down rapid-fire fists. The audience count along, despite wanting Fury to crush him, because they are sheep.
46... 47… 48...
Fury’s nose is broken, and competing with a gash on his forehead to see which can bleed more. The bloody challenger has the presence of mind to wrap his good arm around the champion’s waist, then explodes out of the corner with a makeshift spinebuster. One. Before Zoran has a chance to kickout, Fury drags him up for a T-Bone Suplex, then another. By the time Fury covers, Zoran chooses to break the pin by squeezing the broken nose. Blood splurts hallway across the canvas. Hanging onto the gore soaked nose, Zoran pulls Fury’s face into a kneelift. Dragging the larger man over by the nose, Sainovic lays some stiff knees into the bandaged ribs, before locking on an Interrogation ’19.
Magnus: Looks like we’re about to lose our female demographic as Zoran destroys my husband’s face.
Phillips: Referee Dandy Bosco asking for the submission, but Fury has too much left in the tank to give in.
Magnus: Redmond’s all heart! They might have to take him out of here in a body bag.
Rolling through, Fury gets a foot in the ropes – forcing Zoran to let go. Except Zoran treats rope breaks as more of a suggestion. Bosco gives the commissioner a five count, only to have Sainovic respond with a ten count. This momentary distraction is all Fury needs to break the hold himself. Zoran digs sharp claws into Fury’s midsection, tearing the dressing to shreds – but Fury still manages to get up, hitting a BIG Armdrag.
Phillips: Zoran sent through the ropes, crashing to the floor-
Magnus: And Fury follows it up with a- BUCKEYE SHOT II TO THE OUTSIDE!
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DING!
The slingshot kneelift catches Zoran in the chest, before both men wipe out through the timekeeper’s table.
Phillips: MY GOD – BOTH MEN JUST CRASHING THROUGH THAT TABLE.
Magnus: Mutually assured destruction. This was really the best possible outcome.
Apparently not getting Zoran’s memo on no count outs, Dandy Bosco starts a 10 count. 1! The two start slowly shuffling around in their splintery bed. 2! With his one arm, Fury drags Sainovic by the leg out of the table wreckage. 3! Grabbing a large piece of wood – Zoran sits up, stabbing it into Fury’s bruised ribs. 4! Trying to fight through the pain, Fury swings Zoran like a club – hitting the steel steps so hard that he knocks them over. 5! Bleeding himself now, but not undeterred, Zoran uses his free leg to kick the wooden shard further into Fury’s abdomen. 6! Fury coughs up blood, but before he can register the pain – swings Zoran again, wrapping him around the steel post. 7! Another swing takes Zoran face first across the ring apron. 8! Letting go of Zoran, Fury pulls the wood out of his midsection. 9!
Phillips: Both men battering each other on the outside, but if they aren’t careful-
Before Bosco can reach the 10, Fury grabs Zoran by the leg and drags him back into the ring. Both men are bleeding profusely. Fury rests Zoran against the ropes to hit a Bicep Bop – much to the crowd’s delight. A second Bicep Bop is done with enough force to knock Zoran loose, causing the champion to fall to his knees. Seemingly waking, Zoran reaches up – digging a thumb open wound on Fury’s midsection. This is soon joined by the other hand, for a stomach claw-
Phillips: The champion locking on his Interrogation ’01- right into that perforated eight pack!
Magnus: Would you say this match just got stomach churning?
Phillips: No, because that would be ghoulish.
Magnus: I don’t think you understand how much money I stand to lose. Bosco asking Fury for the submission-
Wrapping a leg over the back of Zoran’s neck, Fury leaps into the ropes-
Phillips: BUCKEYE BOMBER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ONE!!!!!!!!!
TWO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THREE-
Phillips: So close! I thought Fury came back WAY too early from his ordeal, but he was damn near the X*Crown champion there!
Magnus: Cover was too close to the ropes, and Zoran manages to get a fistful of them.
Phillips: At least Fury managed to break that deadly claw. Zoran again trying strike the broken nose of Fury, but The Buckeye Bruiser hooks the wrist and drags him up for-
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Phillips: THE DUST-OFF! WITH ONE ARM HE JUST SPIKED ZORAN ON HIS HEAD!
ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TWO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THREE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Magnus: Zoran again managing to get a foot in the ropes, though I’m not sure how conscious he is. Mongo’s hand picked commissioner might be a vegetable by the time this match is over. Do you think he’d still be in charge even if he was legally brain dead?
Phillips (muttering): Couldn’t be any worse.
Magnus: What was that?
Phillips: Just when it couldn’t look any worse for the champion, Fury now going for the Buckeye Breeze!
Using a variation to make-up for his injury, Fury clasps both wrists in his vice like hand. Just as he starts to get Zoran up, however, The Final Boss raises a leg – turning it into The Harvester.
Magnus: Zoran, manages to break it and here we go-
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Phillips: THE REVOLVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Magnus: Vicious Reverse STO Facebuster that Zoran adopted from the late Adrien Tanner Jr., and the cover is academic-
ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TWO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THREE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Magnus: WHAT?
Phillips: Fury somehow managing to get the shoulder up! The strength of this man is insane!
Magnus: It would have to be crazy if he wants to keep going, Redmond looks like a damned corpse!
Phillips: That’s just the bitter divorce talking.
Magnus: No Tom, Redmond is literally doing an 8 on the Muta scale!
Phillips: He’ll always be a perfect 10 in GUNS’ hearts.
Magnus: Get a goddamned room!
Standing on Fury’s face, Zoran gets up- then decides to pull the challenger into THE PAIN. As he starts to lock on the Gutwrench suplex, Fury knocks him off with a Pec-Plex much to the delight of the audience. Barely standing, Fury tries to follow it up with a Bicep Smash, only for Zoran to duck under it and lay in a hard right hook to the kidney. Though barely standing the two men start trading shots again.
Phillips: Another brawl, and every shot painting the ring red!
Magnus: Foolish on Redmond’s part, with that one hand in a cast, these brawls never go his way, no matter how much stronger he is.
As predicted, it isn’t long before Zoran has Fury against the ropes, setting him up in the corner for another Harvester – only Fury manages to side step it. Staggering to the far corner, Fury looks down at his cast – then smashes it against the far post.
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Magnus: Well THAT’s going to need to be reset.
Phillips: Fury breaking his cast open, looking to trade shot for shot with both hands free. This is REALLY inadvisable.
Magnus: Well, Zoran is using relatively few weapons – so bludgeoning him with a heavy cast wouldn’t be too sporting.
Phillips: Why isn’t Sainovic going to his thousand blades?
Magnus: Apparently he got some upsetting fan mail, that suggested he couldn’t win without knives, and now he wants to put the fear of god into us without accessories.
Phillips: It’s working.
The two men again meet in the middle of the ring, punching away. Fury winces every time he uses his right hand – but his knockout power means the blows ALMOST hurt Zoran as much. After a few dozen exchanges, the exhausted figures knock themselves down to their knees.
Phillips: We might be looking at a double knockout.
Magnus: Given the amount of blood they lost-
Digging deep, Fury manages to fight through the pain to land some combinations. Zoran is fading fast. Fury shoves aside a left hook, and fires off another of his own-
Phillips: WITH BOTH HANDS, FURY FINALLY COMING OUT ON TOP, AND THE CROWD IS FIRING UP!
The last blow almost knocking him to the canvas, Zoran starts to reach into his pocket, absorbing more punishment as he pulls a roll of quarters out of his pocket.
Phillips: FURY WITH A BICEP SMA-
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Magnus: Fury with a loaded fist RIGHT TO THE THROAT!
Windpipe crushed. Fury seems to go into convulsions while gasping for air. Leaning into the larger man, Sainovic forces a cover as his confused opponent suffocates.
ONE!
TWO!
THREE!
DING! DING! DING!
The crowd dies.
Magnus: That’s a shame; I was hoping to get the crown in the divorce! The winner of this match, and STILL X*Crown champion- zoran sainovic.
Fury continues to shake violently, and struggle to breath even after Zoran has rolled off of him.
Phillips: Fury in a bad, bad way- can we get some paramedics out here?
The Final Boss rolls out to the floor, grabbing a pop off the announcer’s desk.
Zoran Sainovic: Mind if I borrow zis?
Yanking the straw out of the container, Zoran tosses the soda back so that it spills on the announce crew, before heading back to the ring.
Magnus: YOU HAD BETTER BELIEVE THAT SORRY S.O.B. IS PAYING FOR MY DRY CLEANING!
Phillips: Good luck with that.
Producing a scalpel from his sleeve, Zoran stabs down into Fury’s throat – to the gasping horror of all. Having made his brutal incision, Zoran shoves the straw down Fury’s windpipe. More blood splurts out than Fury’s face would suggest he still has in him. After a moment, the shaking stops, as The Buckeye Bruiser breathes shallowly.
Phillips: The champ performing a tracheotomy on his opponent. It would be a lot less scary, if he wasn’t the reason it was needed.
Zoran Sainovic: Wouldn’t want you to come into any inheritance, Magnus.
Magnus: SON OF A BITCH!
Zoran Sainovic: Besides, I zink I’ll be able to really turn zis place around with Fury as ze owner. But not your kind of owner, Magnus. Not ze kind of owner zat still entertains zoughts of making a comeback. Not an owner zat can still wrestle...
Phillips: What was-
Turning Fury over, so that he is once again struggling to breath, Zoran Sainovic takes the scalpel to Fury’s ankle – beginning to slice through his Achilles tendon.
Magnus: That’s going too fa-
Phillips: NO HANG ON NOW!
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The crowd pelt garbage at the ring in protest for Zoran’s latest atrocity. Undeterred by full beer bottles shattering against his back, Sainovic continues to dig in- until the treat of a chair almost takes his head off.
Magnus: BLOODIED FOX!!!!!!!!!!!!
Phillips: Bloodied Fox just hit the ring, chair in hand – running to the aid of Redmond Fury. I hope he wasn’t too late!
The X*Crown champion slides out under the bottom rope, narrowly avoiding another chair shot. Fox is angry enough to keep up the chase, but stops to protectively stand over Fury.
Magnus: Fox keeping Zoran from re-entering the ring, and the commissioner is absolutely livid.
Phillips: Paramedics finally in the ring to check on Fury. The darkest timeline is an understatement.
Halfway up the aisle, Zoran Sainovic has his cold shark eyes fixed firmly on Fox. This is not going to end well.