Yet Another Holiday Special: Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen…
Jun 14, 2022 13:28:33 GMT -5
Mongo the Destroyer, Steve Awesome, and 4 more like this
Post by Venom 🕷 on Jun 14, 2022 13:28:33 GMT -5
“I can get up myself-“
“Don’t fight him.”
“How do you know it’s a him- STOP CHECKING OUT MY HORSE, TOM! They have laws against that sort of thing.”
The camera fades into Magnus and Tom “Animal Husbandry” Phillips. GUNS All Star announce team are decked out in uncomfortable looking cowboy outfits, and are sitting on top of horses. Magnus horse is backwards, but don’t worry about your gaze lingering too long on how hung it is – because no sooner does the picture roll, then the animal is defecating all over the place.
Magnus: Good evening GUNS Nation, and welcome to a very special episode.
Phillips: That’s right, Magnus! Now much like El Rey, Zoran has been defending the Crown all over the place. We just don’t send TV crews to broadcast the events, because he’s not related to any owners.
Magnus: These shows aren’t cheap to produce!
Phillips: But tonight is different-
Magnus: It was too good to pass up! In order to get Bloodied Fox’s involvement at Call to Arms, Zoran Sainovic promised him a shot at the X*Crown. So tonight we’re finally going to see the payoff to a grudge match over two years in the making!
Phillips: And how, buckaroo. According to the cards you handed me, it all started when Sainovic STABBED Fox in the 2020 Rumble, and the two have been promising a war since then...
Magnus: It’s almost as big a money match as Dylan Black versus Demonic Venom. Only, we don’t want these two costing us our license to run shows in Atlanta – so we’ve taken this potential lawsuit creating blood bath to the northern wilds of Canada.
Phillips: Is that why we’re on horses? Where are the polar bears?
Magnus: Exactly. We are LIVE at the Rafter Six Ranch Resort in Alberta, Canada – where the classic film “How the West Was Fun” was shot.
Phillips: Wait. Is that the one where the Olsen Twins save a Dude Ranch?
Magnus: So this can only be- THE MARY-KATE AND ASHLEY BIRTHDAY SPECIAL!!!!
Phillips: Those are my favourite Olsen sisters. They don’t talk shit about Gypsies. So are the Olsens here?
Magnus: No. Only reason we mentioned them is because we were getting pressure from global brass to run this show post-haste, and it was the only holiday left...
Phillips: Well, any excuse to hang out at a dude ranch and synergize with straight-to-video family films of the mid-90s.
Magnus: …Yeah. Zoran might be trying to bankrupt us.
The camera pans around the dude ranch, where a large crowd of cowpokes have gathered to see this classic. In hindsight, Magnus kind of wishes he’d manned up and actually forced Sainovic to run it at an arena. He could have made a mint.
A blue grass band ineffectively covers Let's Get The Party Started by Tom Morello featuring Bring Me The Horizon. Pretending to recognize the tune, the crowd starts to hoot and holler. Coming out of the main house, Bloodied Fox steps out on the veranda raising both fists high. Banging his head to the beat, he strides down the wooden steps and circles a clearing in the centre of the ranch. Bumping fists with anyone who wants it...
Magnus: COWFOLKS, THE FOLLOWING CONTEST IS FOR THE XHF X*CROWN!!!! Entering at this time, the challenger-
B L O O D I E D
F O X X X X X X X X X X X ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
Bloodied Fox: So what’s the deal?
Magnus: Excuse me?
Bloodied Fox: Please tell me this isn’t a dude ranch death match...
“You should be so lucky.”
The blue grass band covers “Big Bad Wolf” by The Heavy, as the champion enters from a bullpen.
Zoran Sainovic: It would be too easy for our animosity to boil over and mangle zese fine people. No ze only way to do our brand of action justice – is close quarters – in ze confines of a shark cage-
The GUNS commissioner points at a small cage at the far end of the ranch.
Fox narrows his eyes.
Zoran Sainovic: You want to finally finish zis dance of ours? Let’s go.
Ignoring the daggers in Fox’s eyes, Sainovic starts to walk towards the cage. Closer to it, Fox moves in quicker – surveying this surprise battlefield, testing the bars for give, cautiously searching for hidden weapons.
#SLAM#
Magnus: Sainovic trying to close the cage without getting in-
Phillips: What is he playing at?
Magnus: Fox getting his arm up – keeping it from closing-
#SLAM#
#SLAM#
#SLAM#
Phillips: SAINOVIC DAMN NEAR BROKE FOX’S ARM-
Fox tries to throw his body into it, but Sainovic rams the door so hard the shark cage almost flips over. Reaching down, the champion starts playing with a lock. Even with one arm clearly hurting, Fox reaches through the bars – grabbing Sainovic by the throat.
Magnus: Fox in the cage, but still has the presence of mind to choke the life out of Zoran.
Phillips: Given the state of that arm, Fox is running on sheer hate!
Magnus: Zoran turning purple – looks like he’s about to pass out from lack of-
#CLICK#
A padlock keeps the steel structure shut. As the struggle ends, a dark blue Sainovic brings a hand up to force Fox off his neck. Falling away from the cage, Sainovic coughs – gasping for air.
Zoran Sainovic: (wheeze) I don’t understand where zis hostility is coming from...
Fox reaches through the bars again trying to gouge Sainovic’s eyes out, while spitting out a stream of curses.
Zoran Sainovic: OH. I get it. You came here expecting a title match – and you feel like you’ve been taken for a ride. You want a ride?
The Final Boss smiles faintly to himself, before walking around the cage – a mere inch away from Fox’s dangerous and increasingly desperate paws. A Ford F-350 sits thirty feet behind the trapped star. A videographer runs alongside the champion, as he climbs behind the wheel of the vehicle.
Magnus: Zoran has Fox trapped like an animal, and now what is he doing? Driving away? Leaving us with all these disgruntled cowpunchers?
Flooring it, Zoran speeds away. It is only as the vehicle starts racing off that it becomes apparent that there is a large chain attaching the cage too it. Fox heroically tries to pick the lock, but despite being one of the CTA Rogues – before his skills can be put to the test, the chain runs out of slack, and the cage flips over. It is all Fox can do to pull his hand in, narrowly missing having it torn off, as the cage starts dragging along the dirt at 80 mph.
Magnus: WHAT IS THAT MAD MAN DOING!
The cage bumps into a carriage, which sends it airborne towards the crowd, only for Zoran to turn a right and drag it crashing down through a fence. The audience are in a panic trying to flee the flying cage, while Fox is thrown around inside of it like a ragdoll.
Phillips: Even if the Cage is taking the brunt of the punishment, the human body wasn’t meant to twist the ways that Fox is being forced to right now.
Magnus: Zoran now leaving the ranch area, and ploughing down that dirt road-
The last image of the caged Fox is trying to keep his hands inside the cage as it smashes through a giant poster of Mary-Kate and Ashley’s How the West was Fun.
Magnus: Our title match is getting away-
Phillips: Quick, let’s head them off at the pass-
The GUNS Announce team spur on their horses in pursuit of the vehicular homicide, only Magnus is on his horse backwards, so ends up running away.
MEANWHILE... AT EMORY UNIVERSITY HOSPITAL
Having just had minor surgery, Billie McDennis – age 6 – sits in a wheelchair in a busy hospital hallway, waiting for an orderly to take him to his room. The small child has a PAW Patrol balloon telling him to “Get well soon.”
Suddenly the balloon bursts.
XHF Shockmaster: Whoops.
As the kid starts crying, the large “monstrously clumsy” wrestler flees the scene of the crime – following a man dressed like a filthy fowl.
XHF Shockmaster: We gonna be here long?
Dirty Byrd: Not at all my dear fellow, we’re just visiting a sick friend.
Since his X*Crown title shot at the Mother’s Day show, GUNS Ace Redmond Fury has been confined to Emory’s emergency wing – apparently still rehabbing his brutal injuries.
Dirty Byrd: You know as long as I’ve got an XHF title, Mongo is going to be horny for Fury to choke this chicken. Wrong. Damn. Bird. I’m the Phoenix not a chicken, so no more running around with my head cut off. Rather than wait for the next GUNS show where Magnus or Sainovic predictably try to pull that crap again – we’re going on the offensive.
Passing an elderly woman on a gurney, Byrd snatches a pillow out from under her head.
Dirty Byrd: Might as well proactively defend the title against Fury while he’s laid up – I can even use my patented sleeper.
Arriving at the room in question, Byrd slowly opens the door. Fury seems to be on a drip. His throat is heavily bandaged from Zoran’s amateur tracheotomy. Along with other limbs cast and slung up. The important thing is, that the Buckeye Brawler is asleep.
Dirty Byrd: I can’t bear to see our old friend suffering this way... no pain where you’re going boy.
Byrd gently places the pillow over Fury’s face, hoping that the next life reincarnates the impossibly ripped wrestlers as a slightly smaller opponent.
Blind Stubbs: Is anyone else here?
GUNS legally blind referee is sitting in one of the visitor chairs. Byrd wishes he had registered the lump sitting in the corner before committing to mercy kill Fury. But he’s not taking that pillow off.
Dirty Byrd: Hey Stubbs, I’m just trying to cheer Fury up by giving him a title shot- you want to count the pin?
Blind Stubbs: If you think it will help.
Fury starts to spasm as he struggles to breath; the erratic beeping from his heart monitor lets Stubbs wander towards the main action.
ONE!
TWO!
THREE?
Before the pin on the comatose man being suffocated to death can be completed, the door swings open – distracting Stubbs.
Dirty Byrd: I thought you were guarding the door? Do I have to do everything myself?
XHF Shockmaster: Whoops.
“Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr”
UrsusLa the man-eating bear just made it in at the end of visiting hours. The female grizzly has a bouquet of yellow roses in her mouth, with a card reading “Get Well Soon” in some ancient bear cursive. Ever since eating Redmond Fury, the bear has felt guilty – and the two bonded while he was adventuring around inside of her.
Slowly removing the pillow, a wide-eyed Byrd musters a sheepish grin.
Dirty Byrd: This isn’t what it looks like-
The roses fall to the floor.
Dirty Byrd: ...shit.
The bear bounds forwards – so Byrd uses Fury’s hospital bed as a shield, putting the potentially comatose man between the two.
Dirty Byrd: DON’T JUST STAND THERE YOU IDIOT, HELP ME!
Not realizing he’s talking to Shockmaster, Blind Stubbs starts to walk towards the bear – presumable to pat it down for weapons – before a loud growl stops him dead in his tracks. Shockmaster charges in for a bearhug, only to be swatting into the corner. While his bodyguard is being repeatedly pounced on, Byrd sneaks out into the hallway.
MEANWHILE, ON THE BACKROADS OF A DUDE RANCH IN CANADA’S WORST PROVINCE-
#I don't wanna know your name#
#'Cause you don't look the same#
#The way you did before#
#Okay, you think you got a pretty face#
#But the rest of you is out of place#
#I've heard it all before#
Zoran is listening to Sweet’s Fox on the Run – it helps drown out the blaring horns of cars that the cage he’s towing bumps into. A Hyundai sends the cage careening into a tree. Despite a steel frame designed to keep out great white sharks, it’s starting to look pretty bent. Fox himself is bleeding profusely. As the F-350 turns from dirt road to asphalt, the sparks start shooting up.
#Fox on the run#
#You scream and everybody comes a-running#
#Take a run and hide yourself away#
Given the price of gas, Zoran Sainovic would like to tell Bloodied Fox that this joyride is hurting him as much as it’s hurting his fellow Boss Rush member, but that would be a lie.
#Foxy on the run#
#F-foxy#
#Fox on the run#
#And hide away#
MEANWHILE, YELP REVIEWS OF EMORY UNIVERSITY HOSPITAL WILL BE TAKING A STEEP DECLINE IN THE COMING DAYS WITH FREQUENT MENTIONS OF A RAMPAGING BEAR.
Nurses, orderlies, patients, flee in terror as UrsusLa tosses Shockmaster around the ER like he was a very large man fighting a bear.
Dirty Byrd: STALL FOR TIME!
Having previously been the stomach contents of UrsusLa, Byrd and Shockmaster aren’t overly comfortable with the current proximity. Normally they’d just flee in terror, but damned Stubbs seems to have made this an official title defence. Wondering why bad things happen to nice people, Byrd charges from room to room – collecting as many tranquilizers as he can find.
XHF Shockmaster: I don’t know how much-
The XHF Original is thrown through a glass window that surrounds the nurse’s station.
Dirty Byrd: That’s it, you’ve got her on the ropes, buddy!
Crawling through the glass, Shockmaster tosses fistfuls of blue pills that he hopes aren’t uppers into the drooling maw of the pursuing beast.
XHF Shockmaster: FOLLOW ME IF YOU WANT TO LIV-
A particularly stiff paw swipe knocks Shockmaster through a door, into another patient room. The large man tries to pull the curtain around for cover, but UrsusLa sees right through it, swatting him again. On the ground, Shockmaster uses a metal intravenous pole to keep the bear from biting him.
URSUSLA: RRRRRRRRRRRRRAWWWWWWRRRRRR!
From behind, Dirty Byrd jabs a few dozen syringes into the bear’s backside. Unsure of the dosage, there is probably not enough tranquilisers to kill the beast, but Byrd wishes there were.
Startled by the sharp pain, UrsusLa spins around taking a swipe at Byrd, who rolls under it. A bite only catches tail feathers. The two circle, before Byrd finally uses Stubbs as a human shield. It looks like UrsusLa is going in for the kill, when she slumps over. Not looking a gift horse in the mouth, Byrd dives on top of the sleeping beast for the cover.
ONE!
TWO!
THREE!
Blind Stubbs: The winner of this match and NEW Phoenix champion, Ursu-
Dirty Byrd: I made the pin you blind, crazy bastard.
Blind Stubbs: Oh, in that case STILL Phoenix champion, Dirty Byrd.
Shaking his head in disgust, Byrd slumps back against the unconscious UrsusLa. Up on a television the 1994 classic “How the West was Fun” is playing.
Dirty Byrd: As if this day couldn’t get any worse.
MEANWHILE, INSIDE CANADA...
The sun has set, leaving only moonlight to reflect against the surface of a serene lake. Nocturnal animals that are just starting their daily routines are suddenly startled by the glaring headlights of a Ford F-350 as it speeds towards them. Driving up to the edge of the lake, Sainovic suddenly pops a wheelie – the circular motion leaving the cage to roll halfway into the water.
The cold liquid seems to wake Fox up, but given the battered state of him, there is at least one concussion at play.
A door opens, as the vehicle finally stops. Straightening his hair, The Final Boss slowly approached his caged protégé. Given that this is the Boss Rush member he likes, can you imagine what he has in store for the other losers? Reaching into his coat pocket, Zoran pulls out a butterfly knife. Looming over the half-submerged, cage, the champion taps the steel bars with the knife.
#ting#
#ting#
#ting#
Zoran Sainovic: Since ze champ didn’t enter ze cage, ze winner of zis match as a result of a disqualification – Bloodied Fox! Sadly titles cannot change on disqualifications, so Misha Constantine is still TWICE ze champion you’ll never be. Still, you beat me Fox – is it everything you hoped it would be?
No response. Is he dead? Zoran pokes Fox with a stick. A bloodshot eye barely opens.
Zoran Sainovic: So zis was your Call to Arms reward. You came to ze island for ZIS match. I zink you’ll find it a suitable payment for your performance. As an added bonus, you get to feel what it’s like being an animal caught in a trap. I wonder if you’d chew your own leg off to squeeze out?
Looking at one of the now bent grooves in the cage from when the pacer struck it, Sainovic feels that Fox could escape with only moderate self-mutilation. Sainovic turns to leave when he feels something tugging at his ankle. The blood caked fist of Fox no longer has the strength needed to rip out the tendrils, but it’s a cute gesture.
Sighing, Zoran kicks the hand off – and for this act of defiance, shoves the cage further down into the mud. Fox’s barely conscious face has to touch the top of the broken cage just to avoid drowning.
Zoran Sainovic: If you zink we still have some unfinished business. If you want a REAL shot at me – you got it. At zis point I zink what we have transcends titles, but I'm nothing if not a fighting champion. So whether ze crown is up for grabs or you’re content with a match so ugly it probably shouldn't be sanctioned – zat’s your call, Fox. You let me know. But either way, after two loooooooooooooong years you and me are finally going to get into a proper wrestling ring...
OH VIOLENT NIGHT II.
The Final Boss stabs his butterfly knife into the surf, a parting gift before things get ugly. If Fox comes to his senses before the tide takes him out, he might just be able to use it to pick the lock. A teachable moment.
The F-350 drives off, leaving a caged animal to ponder its fate.
“Don’t fight him.”
“How do you know it’s a him- STOP CHECKING OUT MY HORSE, TOM! They have laws against that sort of thing.”
The camera fades into Magnus and Tom “Animal Husbandry” Phillips. GUNS All Star announce team are decked out in uncomfortable looking cowboy outfits, and are sitting on top of horses. Magnus horse is backwards, but don’t worry about your gaze lingering too long on how hung it is – because no sooner does the picture roll, then the animal is defecating all over the place.
Magnus: Good evening GUNS Nation, and welcome to a very special episode.
Phillips: That’s right, Magnus! Now much like El Rey, Zoran has been defending the Crown all over the place. We just don’t send TV crews to broadcast the events, because he’s not related to any owners.
Magnus: These shows aren’t cheap to produce!
Phillips: But tonight is different-
Magnus: It was too good to pass up! In order to get Bloodied Fox’s involvement at Call to Arms, Zoran Sainovic promised him a shot at the X*Crown. So tonight we’re finally going to see the payoff to a grudge match over two years in the making!
Phillips: And how, buckaroo. According to the cards you handed me, it all started when Sainovic STABBED Fox in the 2020 Rumble, and the two have been promising a war since then...
Magnus: It’s almost as big a money match as Dylan Black versus Demonic Venom. Only, we don’t want these two costing us our license to run shows in Atlanta – so we’ve taken this potential lawsuit creating blood bath to the northern wilds of Canada.
Phillips: Is that why we’re on horses? Where are the polar bears?
Magnus: Exactly. We are LIVE at the Rafter Six Ranch Resort in Alberta, Canada – where the classic film “How the West Was Fun” was shot.
Phillips: Wait. Is that the one where the Olsen Twins save a Dude Ranch?
Magnus: So this can only be- THE MARY-KATE AND ASHLEY BIRTHDAY SPECIAL!!!!
Phillips: Those are my favourite Olsen sisters. They don’t talk shit about Gypsies. So are the Olsens here?
Magnus: No. Only reason we mentioned them is because we were getting pressure from global brass to run this show post-haste, and it was the only holiday left...
Phillips: Well, any excuse to hang out at a dude ranch and synergize with straight-to-video family films of the mid-90s.
Magnus: …Yeah. Zoran might be trying to bankrupt us.
The camera pans around the dude ranch, where a large crowd of cowpokes have gathered to see this classic. In hindsight, Magnus kind of wishes he’d manned up and actually forced Sainovic to run it at an arena. He could have made a mint.
XHF X*CROWN CHAMPIONSHIP
SHARK CAGE MATCH
ZORAN SAINOVIC © VS. BLOODIED FOX
A blue grass band ineffectively covers Let's Get The Party Started by Tom Morello featuring Bring Me The Horizon. Pretending to recognize the tune, the crowd starts to hoot and holler. Coming out of the main house, Bloodied Fox steps out on the veranda raising both fists high. Banging his head to the beat, he strides down the wooden steps and circles a clearing in the centre of the ranch. Bumping fists with anyone who wants it...
Magnus: COWFOLKS, THE FOLLOWING CONTEST IS FOR THE XHF X*CROWN!!!! Entering at this time, the challenger-
B L O O D I E D
F O X X X X X X X X X X X ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
Bloodied Fox: So what’s the deal?
Magnus: Excuse me?
Bloodied Fox: Please tell me this isn’t a dude ranch death match...
“You should be so lucky.”
The blue grass band covers “Big Bad Wolf” by The Heavy, as the champion enters from a bullpen.
Zoran Sainovic: It would be too easy for our animosity to boil over and mangle zese fine people. No ze only way to do our brand of action justice – is close quarters – in ze confines of a shark cage-
The GUNS commissioner points at a small cage at the far end of the ranch.
Fox narrows his eyes.
Zoran Sainovic: You want to finally finish zis dance of ours? Let’s go.
Ignoring the daggers in Fox’s eyes, Sainovic starts to walk towards the cage. Closer to it, Fox moves in quicker – surveying this surprise battlefield, testing the bars for give, cautiously searching for hidden weapons.
#SLAM#
Magnus: Sainovic trying to close the cage without getting in-
Phillips: What is he playing at?
Magnus: Fox getting his arm up – keeping it from closing-
#SLAM#
#SLAM#
#SLAM#
Phillips: SAINOVIC DAMN NEAR BROKE FOX’S ARM-
Fox tries to throw his body into it, but Sainovic rams the door so hard the shark cage almost flips over. Reaching down, the champion starts playing with a lock. Even with one arm clearly hurting, Fox reaches through the bars – grabbing Sainovic by the throat.
Magnus: Fox in the cage, but still has the presence of mind to choke the life out of Zoran.
Phillips: Given the state of that arm, Fox is running on sheer hate!
Magnus: Zoran turning purple – looks like he’s about to pass out from lack of-
#CLICK#
A padlock keeps the steel structure shut. As the struggle ends, a dark blue Sainovic brings a hand up to force Fox off his neck. Falling away from the cage, Sainovic coughs – gasping for air.
Zoran Sainovic: (wheeze) I don’t understand where zis hostility is coming from...
Fox reaches through the bars again trying to gouge Sainovic’s eyes out, while spitting out a stream of curses.
Zoran Sainovic: OH. I get it. You came here expecting a title match – and you feel like you’ve been taken for a ride. You want a ride?
The Final Boss smiles faintly to himself, before walking around the cage – a mere inch away from Fox’s dangerous and increasingly desperate paws. A Ford F-350 sits thirty feet behind the trapped star. A videographer runs alongside the champion, as he climbs behind the wheel of the vehicle.
Magnus: Zoran has Fox trapped like an animal, and now what is he doing? Driving away? Leaving us with all these disgruntled cowpunchers?
Flooring it, Zoran speeds away. It is only as the vehicle starts racing off that it becomes apparent that there is a large chain attaching the cage too it. Fox heroically tries to pick the lock, but despite being one of the CTA Rogues – before his skills can be put to the test, the chain runs out of slack, and the cage flips over. It is all Fox can do to pull his hand in, narrowly missing having it torn off, as the cage starts dragging along the dirt at 80 mph.
Magnus: WHAT IS THAT MAD MAN DOING!
The cage bumps into a carriage, which sends it airborne towards the crowd, only for Zoran to turn a right and drag it crashing down through a fence. The audience are in a panic trying to flee the flying cage, while Fox is thrown around inside of it like a ragdoll.
Phillips: Even if the Cage is taking the brunt of the punishment, the human body wasn’t meant to twist the ways that Fox is being forced to right now.
Magnus: Zoran now leaving the ranch area, and ploughing down that dirt road-
The last image of the caged Fox is trying to keep his hands inside the cage as it smashes through a giant poster of Mary-Kate and Ashley’s How the West was Fun.
Magnus: Our title match is getting away-
Phillips: Quick, let’s head them off at the pass-
The GUNS Announce team spur on their horses in pursuit of the vehicular homicide, only Magnus is on his horse backwards, so ends up running away.
MEANWHILE... AT EMORY UNIVERSITY HOSPITAL
Having just had minor surgery, Billie McDennis – age 6 – sits in a wheelchair in a busy hospital hallway, waiting for an orderly to take him to his room. The small child has a PAW Patrol balloon telling him to “Get well soon.”
Suddenly the balloon bursts.
XHF Shockmaster: Whoops.
As the kid starts crying, the large “monstrously clumsy” wrestler flees the scene of the crime – following a man dressed like a filthy fowl.
XHF Shockmaster: We gonna be here long?
Dirty Byrd: Not at all my dear fellow, we’re just visiting a sick friend.
Since his X*Crown title shot at the Mother’s Day show, GUNS Ace Redmond Fury has been confined to Emory’s emergency wing – apparently still rehabbing his brutal injuries.
Dirty Byrd: You know as long as I’ve got an XHF title, Mongo is going to be horny for Fury to choke this chicken. Wrong. Damn. Bird. I’m the Phoenix not a chicken, so no more running around with my head cut off. Rather than wait for the next GUNS show where Magnus or Sainovic predictably try to pull that crap again – we’re going on the offensive.
Passing an elderly woman on a gurney, Byrd snatches a pillow out from under her head.
Dirty Byrd: Might as well proactively defend the title against Fury while he’s laid up – I can even use my patented sleeper.
Arriving at the room in question, Byrd slowly opens the door. Fury seems to be on a drip. His throat is heavily bandaged from Zoran’s amateur tracheotomy. Along with other limbs cast and slung up. The important thing is, that the Buckeye Brawler is asleep.
Dirty Byrd: I can’t bear to see our old friend suffering this way... no pain where you’re going boy.
XHF PHOENIX CHAMPIONSHIP
EMERGENCY ROOM BRAWL
Dirty Byrd © vs. REDMOND FURY
Byrd gently places the pillow over Fury’s face, hoping that the next life reincarnates the impossibly ripped wrestlers as a slightly smaller opponent.
Blind Stubbs: Is anyone else here?
GUNS legally blind referee is sitting in one of the visitor chairs. Byrd wishes he had registered the lump sitting in the corner before committing to mercy kill Fury. But he’s not taking that pillow off.
Dirty Byrd: Hey Stubbs, I’m just trying to cheer Fury up by giving him a title shot- you want to count the pin?
Blind Stubbs: If you think it will help.
Fury starts to spasm as he struggles to breath; the erratic beeping from his heart monitor lets Stubbs wander towards the main action.
ONE!
TWO!
THREE?
Before the pin on the comatose man being suffocated to death can be completed, the door swings open – distracting Stubbs.
Dirty Byrd: I thought you were guarding the door? Do I have to do everything myself?
XHF Shockmaster: Whoops.
“Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr”
UrsusLa the man-eating bear just made it in at the end of visiting hours. The female grizzly has a bouquet of yellow roses in her mouth, with a card reading “Get Well Soon” in some ancient bear cursive. Ever since eating Redmond Fury, the bear has felt guilty – and the two bonded while he was adventuring around inside of her.
Slowly removing the pillow, a wide-eyed Byrd musters a sheepish grin.
Dirty Byrd: This isn’t what it looks like-
The roses fall to the floor.
Dirty Byrd: ...shit.
XHF PHOENIX CHAMPIONSHIP
EMERGENCY ROOM BRAWL
DIRTY BYRD © VS. URSUSLA
The bear bounds forwards – so Byrd uses Fury’s hospital bed as a shield, putting the potentially comatose man between the two.
Dirty Byrd: DON’T JUST STAND THERE YOU IDIOT, HELP ME!
Not realizing he’s talking to Shockmaster, Blind Stubbs starts to walk towards the bear – presumable to pat it down for weapons – before a loud growl stops him dead in his tracks. Shockmaster charges in for a bearhug, only to be swatting into the corner. While his bodyguard is being repeatedly pounced on, Byrd sneaks out into the hallway.
MEANWHILE, ON THE BACKROADS OF A DUDE RANCH IN CANADA’S WORST PROVINCE-
#I don't wanna know your name#
#'Cause you don't look the same#
#The way you did before#
#Okay, you think you got a pretty face#
#But the rest of you is out of place#
#I've heard it all before#
Zoran is listening to Sweet’s Fox on the Run – it helps drown out the blaring horns of cars that the cage he’s towing bumps into. A Hyundai sends the cage careening into a tree. Despite a steel frame designed to keep out great white sharks, it’s starting to look pretty bent. Fox himself is bleeding profusely. As the F-350 turns from dirt road to asphalt, the sparks start shooting up.
#Fox on the run#
#You scream and everybody comes a-running#
#Take a run and hide yourself away#
Given the price of gas, Zoran Sainovic would like to tell Bloodied Fox that this joyride is hurting him as much as it’s hurting his fellow Boss Rush member, but that would be a lie.
#Foxy on the run#
#F-foxy#
#Fox on the run#
#And hide away#
MEANWHILE, YELP REVIEWS OF EMORY UNIVERSITY HOSPITAL WILL BE TAKING A STEEP DECLINE IN THE COMING DAYS WITH FREQUENT MENTIONS OF A RAMPAGING BEAR.
Nurses, orderlies, patients, flee in terror as UrsusLa tosses Shockmaster around the ER like he was a very large man fighting a bear.
Dirty Byrd: STALL FOR TIME!
Having previously been the stomach contents of UrsusLa, Byrd and Shockmaster aren’t overly comfortable with the current proximity. Normally they’d just flee in terror, but damned Stubbs seems to have made this an official title defence. Wondering why bad things happen to nice people, Byrd charges from room to room – collecting as many tranquilizers as he can find.
XHF Shockmaster: I don’t know how much-
The XHF Original is thrown through a glass window that surrounds the nurse’s station.
Dirty Byrd: That’s it, you’ve got her on the ropes, buddy!
Crawling through the glass, Shockmaster tosses fistfuls of blue pills that he hopes aren’t uppers into the drooling maw of the pursuing beast.
XHF Shockmaster: FOLLOW ME IF YOU WANT TO LIV-
A particularly stiff paw swipe knocks Shockmaster through a door, into another patient room. The large man tries to pull the curtain around for cover, but UrsusLa sees right through it, swatting him again. On the ground, Shockmaster uses a metal intravenous pole to keep the bear from biting him.
URSUSLA: RRRRRRRRRRRRRAWWWWWWRRRRRR!
From behind, Dirty Byrd jabs a few dozen syringes into the bear’s backside. Unsure of the dosage, there is probably not enough tranquilisers to kill the beast, but Byrd wishes there were.
Startled by the sharp pain, UrsusLa spins around taking a swipe at Byrd, who rolls under it. A bite only catches tail feathers. The two circle, before Byrd finally uses Stubbs as a human shield. It looks like UrsusLa is going in for the kill, when she slumps over. Not looking a gift horse in the mouth, Byrd dives on top of the sleeping beast for the cover.
ONE!
TWO!
THREE!
Blind Stubbs: The winner of this match and NEW Phoenix champion, Ursu-
Dirty Byrd: I made the pin you blind, crazy bastard.
Blind Stubbs: Oh, in that case STILL Phoenix champion, Dirty Byrd.
Shaking his head in disgust, Byrd slumps back against the unconscious UrsusLa. Up on a television the 1994 classic “How the West was Fun” is playing.
Dirty Byrd: As if this day couldn’t get any worse.
MEANWHILE, INSIDE CANADA...
The sun has set, leaving only moonlight to reflect against the surface of a serene lake. Nocturnal animals that are just starting their daily routines are suddenly startled by the glaring headlights of a Ford F-350 as it speeds towards them. Driving up to the edge of the lake, Sainovic suddenly pops a wheelie – the circular motion leaving the cage to roll halfway into the water.
The cold liquid seems to wake Fox up, but given the battered state of him, there is at least one concussion at play.
A door opens, as the vehicle finally stops. Straightening his hair, The Final Boss slowly approached his caged protégé. Given that this is the Boss Rush member he likes, can you imagine what he has in store for the other losers? Reaching into his coat pocket, Zoran pulls out a butterfly knife. Looming over the half-submerged, cage, the champion taps the steel bars with the knife.
#ting#
#ting#
#ting#
Zoran Sainovic: Since ze champ didn’t enter ze cage, ze winner of zis match as a result of a disqualification – Bloodied Fox! Sadly titles cannot change on disqualifications, so Misha Constantine is still TWICE ze champion you’ll never be. Still, you beat me Fox – is it everything you hoped it would be?
No response. Is he dead? Zoran pokes Fox with a stick. A bloodshot eye barely opens.
Zoran Sainovic: So zis was your Call to Arms reward. You came to ze island for ZIS match. I zink you’ll find it a suitable payment for your performance. As an added bonus, you get to feel what it’s like being an animal caught in a trap. I wonder if you’d chew your own leg off to squeeze out?
Looking at one of the now bent grooves in the cage from when the pacer struck it, Sainovic feels that Fox could escape with only moderate self-mutilation. Sainovic turns to leave when he feels something tugging at his ankle. The blood caked fist of Fox no longer has the strength needed to rip out the tendrils, but it’s a cute gesture.
Sighing, Zoran kicks the hand off – and for this act of defiance, shoves the cage further down into the mud. Fox’s barely conscious face has to touch the top of the broken cage just to avoid drowning.
Zoran Sainovic: If you zink we still have some unfinished business. If you want a REAL shot at me – you got it. At zis point I zink what we have transcends titles, but I'm nothing if not a fighting champion. So whether ze crown is up for grabs or you’re content with a match so ugly it probably shouldn't be sanctioned – zat’s your call, Fox. You let me know. But either way, after two loooooooooooooong years you and me are finally going to get into a proper wrestling ring...
OH VIOLENT NIGHT II.
The Final Boss stabs his butterfly knife into the surf, a parting gift before things get ugly. If Fox comes to his senses before the tide takes him out, he might just be able to use it to pick the lock. A teachable moment.
The F-350 drives off, leaving a caged animal to ponder its fate.