GUN Show s3e13: Happy Father’s Day
Jun 19, 2022 16:29:18 GMT -5
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Mongo the Destroyer, jamesmueller, and 3 more like this
Post by Venom 🕷 on Jun 19, 2022 16:29:18 GMT -5
BOOM! BANG! POW! Pyro shoots of and we’re back in Atlanta for yet another Gun Show. With only one show left in the season we have big matches and the crowd is hot. We pan around the screaming fans and see signs that read “Jesse murder me with your lizard,” “Tom Chris Jansen is looking for you,” and “Please don’t stab me.” We finish panning and cut to ring side where Magnus and Tom Phillips sit ready for the big event.
Magnus: We have a huge show for you tonight.
Phillips: So big we’ve already got competitors in the ring ready to go!
In the ring 0.2 and Chaos Theory are there and ready and, the ref calls for the bell but PRICE who's the legal man ignores it while he's chatting it up with his partner Spike Kane.
PRICE: Why the fuck are we here again!?
Spike: I told you, we need points to be able to challenge for the XHF Tag Titles.
PRICE: Naw I gets that, why are we HERE. Like we got our points after our IPW match.
Spike: Because JFK said we had to be.
PRICE: Naw he said YOU have to be, I wasn't dumb enough to sign no contract.
Spike: Yet, here you are.
Chad: HEY, WE GOT A MATCH GOING ON HERE, HUH! YOU WANNA TASTE OR WHAT!?
He walks closer to PRICE who quickly turns and responds with a left-handed spinning back fist knocking Chad on his ass. PRICE goes to pick him up by his hair but continues his conversation.
PRICE: I mean I'm getting paid either way this just seems like a waste of time ya know?
Evenflow DDT
Spike: Waste of time? You've been retired for over ten years you need all the reps you can get
PRICE picks up and then shoves the Chad towards his corner whos partner tags himself in, PRICE tags Spike in.
PRICE: Reps shmephs this shit is like riding a bike you never forget.
Brad charges in and Spike reverses it and whips him towards the ropes, and they hit a pop up powerbomb/back stabber combo.
PRICE: See like a well oiled machine! Side's it's fathers day we should be spending time with our kids.
Spike: Our kids either hate us or are dead.
PRICE:....oh right.
Spike goes for the cover, one, two, three.
Winners: CHAOS THEORY!
The two get their arms raised and continue to bicker about whatever as they head back to the locker room area.
Magnus: Well that was a match.
Phillips: I'm so fucking hard right now.
After that match we cut to a new segment from the GUNS favorite son El Rey across the pond. The young former X*Crown Champion sits alone in his flat and produces his phone and jabs at the screen a couple times and we hear it ring and then go to voicemail.
“Hey, you’ve reached [censored shoot name] but I’m busy right now. Leave a message and maybe I’ll ring you back.”
El Rey let’s out a sigh and after the beep begins to speak.
El Rey: Hey dad. I know you don’t really want to speak to me right now, but I just wanted to call and say happy Father’s Day. It’s been weird not being home, but I hope I’m making you proud. I’ve got a match tonight and I hope you’re watching. I’m sure you won’t because you’re all pretty upset with me, but I promise I’ll make it up to you. Once I do, I’ll be back. Love you dad.
El Rey jabs to hang up the phone and drops it on his lap. He slumps in his chair and we cut away back to the arena.
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, this first match of the evening is the “No Low Blows Allowed” match! If the Borgs win this match, they will get a GUNS Tag Team Title shot against Off the Wagon! First, coming down the aisle…
New Deal’s music hits and Ryan and Chris Velez both emerge from the entryway, posing and smiling.
Announcer: Ryan and Christopher Velez, the New Deal!
Magnus: These guys seem to have an extra spring in their step now that family member Charlie Velez has returned to the ring.
Phillips: Yeah, let’s see if these apples don’t fall far from the tree.
Announcer: And their opponents…
"Am I Evil" by Metallica hits the speakers and the stage fills with mist. Strobe lights go on all throughout the arena. Evil-Borg and Heavymetal-Borg come out together and Heavymetal-Borg is air guitaring to the music. They make their way to the ring throwing up the devil horns and threatening fans. They climb into the ring and Heavymetal head bangs as Evil Borg threatens the audience.
Announcer: The Borgs!
Phillips: One step away from the Borgs getting the title shot they feel they rightly deserve.
Magnus: They never lost the belts after all. They were just presumed dead.
Phillips: That seems to happen a lot here.
The Borgs and New Deal are in their respective corners when suddenly…
The lights drop down so that only the entranceway and the ring are illuminated as a deep, throaty, laugh not unlike that of Lemmy of Motorhead gargles over the PA system. However, just as soon as it started it is replaced by the treble-busting vocals of Freddy Mercury of Queen dropping a red hot ballad on y’all. Specifically, “Play the Game” by Queen. As the song persists, “The Mental Killer” Kris “Triple Quake” Quake and “The Corn Snake” Randy Angel- better known as Off the Wagon- walk out. Well, walk is being generous, Randy is stumbling drunk- still drinking from a flask- and Quake’s walk is more of a waddle since he appears to be trying to flex all several of his muscles at the same time. They walk over to the announce table and grab headsets.
Phillips: What a pleasant surprise.
Randy: Welcome to Call to Arms! We’ve got a bunch of amazing tag matches on deck!
Magnus: Randy, that happened already.
Quake: Ignore him, we are here to scout the possible opposition Tom.
The Borgs are distracted looking up at Off the Wagon as New Deal attacks them from behind. They beat them down to the mat and then high five. Ryan picks Heavy up off the mat and twists his arm, then Chris hits an elbow to the arm. The referee tries to get one of them to leave the ring. Quake grabs a mic at the desk.
: What are you doing ref? This is a No Low Blows Allowed match! That’s it. Everything else is legal! That means no tags needed baby!
Phillips: Hey! Where was that in the production sheet?
Quake: We made the match, we know the rules.
Randy: Team Boss Rush really putting on a clinic here!
Magnus: Are you mixing things into his drinks? This is really sad and scary.
Ryan and Charlie pull Evil up off the mat and hit a double suplex. They then look back at Heavy who pulled himself up into a corner and Ryan charges with a splash, but Heavy moves! Ryan bounces off the turnbuckle holding his chest as Heavy charges at Chris and hits a clothesline! Heavy then goes back to Ryan and hits an atomic drop!
: Ref ref ref! Call for the bell! Call it!
The ref shakes his head no.
Phillips: An atomic drop is a perfectly legal move.
Quake: That’s some bullshit.
Magnus: No, it’s butt hurtin’.
Randy: The Guardians are hurting here, let’s see if they can get back in it!
Evil Borg gets up to his knees behind Chris who is back on his feet. He instinctively starts to go for a low blow from behind, but stops himself halfway up, shaking his fist with restraint. Chris sees the hand and grabs it. He then spins around and locks in an arm bar. Evil quickly squirms to the ropes.
: No rope breaks! The only rule is “No Low Blows.”
Evil squirms and starts to exit the ring in order to get out of the hold. Heavy traps Ryan’s arms and starts headbutting him with the Headbanger’s Ball! He lets go and Ryan staggers back into the ropes. Heavy whips him away, but Ryan reverses it sending Heavy into the ropes. Heavy runs back into a picture perfect dropkick! Evil-Borg uses the leverage from the apron to pull out of the hold. The force sends him back into the crowd! Chris slides out of the ring to follow, when “BAM!” Evil Borg clocks him with a steel chair!
: Ref! Disqualify that bastard!
Evil grabs a mic from the ring announcer.
: No way you no good ninny! You just said, “the only rule is ‘No Low Blows.’” Mua ha ha ha!
Phillips: He’s got you there.
Quake: Shut up Tom.
Magnus: I mean, you walked right into that one.
Randy: Rat Bastard is carrying Team Reign to victory!
Evil Borg stalks Chris Velez as he starts to get on all fours. His face is a crimson mask. Evil smacks him across the back with the chair! In the ring, Ryan Velez is on top of Heavy Metal, raining fists down on his head. He then sees Evil Borg entering the ring with a chair and gets up and grabs the chair. He and Evil are in a tug of war! Ryan yanks the chair away right into a roll up from Heavy! 1, 2, kickout! Quake nearly has a heart attack at the desk as Ryan kicks out. Evil and Heavy double team Ryan with stomps and punches, respectively, as Chris slowly climbs up onto the apron. Heavy stands up and pulls Ryan up with him. Heavy puts Ryan between his legs, then lifts him for a powerbomb as Evil stands next to him helping lift Ryan. He holds on to help slam Ryan down when Ryan hits an elbow to Evil’s head! He then starts punching Heavy. Chris climbs to the top rope as Ryan then hits Heavy with a huricanrana! Ryan then gets up and hits Evil with an uppercut that sends him into the ropes! Chris falls, crotching himself on the top turnbuckle.
: Okay ref, c’mon! Disqualify him for that!
The ref gives Quake a stern look and shakes his head again.
Quake: This ref has it out for us, I swear.
Randy: Adrien with a Shining Wizard on Tuna Meltzer!
Magnus: Oh hey, I think that actually happened on CTA.
Phillips: With no rules, this is pure anarchy. I’m surprised you’re not down there too.
Quake: …
Quake quickly takes off his headset and runs down to the ring. He then lifts the ring skirt looking for something. Heavy charges at Ryan Velez with a clothesline, but Ryan ducks. Heavy almost runs into Evil, but stops short. Quake slides in the ring holding beer bottles, and breaks one over Evil’s head! He goes down. Quake then holds up the other, pointing it at Heavy Metal-Borg. Heavy backs up right into Ryan, who grabs his arms. Quake rears back, and swings the bottle, but Heavy drops down and the bottle smashes over Ryan’s head! Quake is shocked! While distracted with hitting the wrong man, Heavy hits him with a low blow!
Magnus: Oh no, a low blow!
Phillips: But on Quake, who isn’t in the match! It doesn’t count!
Randy: The Icons are looking in trouble now!
Heavy quickly dives onto Ryan. 1, 2, 3!
Announcer: You’re winners and earning a title shot against Off the Wagon, The Borgs!
Phillips: The Borgs have done it! They get a title shot!
Randy: The BANG! Bros have done it! They’ve won CTA again!
Magnus: You really really need help Randy.
Heavy Metal helps his partner Evil out of the ring and holds him up. They raise their arms in victory as a hunched over Quake looks on in anger.
We cut to black and, we open to the screen of an Android cell phone, no active cell reception, with the WIFI connection “Secret Shack” open and a blank entry for the password. Letters begin to fill the Password input…
Mueller2022
“INCORRECT PASSWORD, TRY AGAIN”
JamesMueller2022
“INCORRECT PASSWORD, TRY AGAIN"
JMueller2022
“INCORRECT PASSWORD, TRY AGAIN”
“FUCK!”
The cell phone is tossed, thrown through a dimly lit log cabin with limited light shone through ice fogged single pane windows that rattle with the winds of winter. The cell lands firmly but successfully intact on a single folded up red flannel blanket in the middle of a 3-seat leather couch. Next to the couch is a small table with a framed portrait of Reeshi, XHF Legend, proudly displayed. In the middle of the cabin, a figure stands there with their hands on their hips, before finally walking after the cell phone. A loud knocking pattern on the front door stops him in his tracks before he gets there.
Standing outside the door is BEEF, with the car still running and the trunk open. He rubs his hands and creates a pocket with them for him to exhale into to try and warm them up. The door opens, BEEF picks up a cardboard box from his feet, and then looks ahead at the occupant.
BEEF: Mueller.
James Mueller: BEEF.
They both smile… Well ok, only Mueller smiles. BEEF looks… content. He stands there in front of Mueller with the box in his hands, and he hands it over to Mueller. James takes the box as his smile begins to fade. Mueller sighs.
James: It’s good to see you, BEEF.
BEEF: I see you’re still alive.
James: Why, of course… Is my life threatened?
BEEF: No, I mean… No more than the usual. But last time I saw you, you didn’t exactly seem… Healthy.
We flashback to BEEF approaching the same cabin, this time at night. He opens a small cut-out door and looks inside to see Mueller sitting at a table, eating a can of peaches. Mueller looks over at BEEF… Before slowly eating another peach slice.
Mueller: Oh… that? You ever heard of cabin fever, BEEF?
BEEF: Terrible movie.
Mueller: I haven’t felt another human’s skin in months…
Mueller stands there looking at BEEF in the eyes.. He inches closer and opens his shoulders a bit, still holding the box, but physically suggesting he could use a hug.
BEEF: Uh, I really should be going.
Mueller: Wait wait wait, c’mon man… Tell me about the outside world. What have I missed, is Mongo still alive?
BEEF: Yes.
Mueller: Fuck!
BEEF: I need to go, we got an event coming up soon.
Mueller: Who are you working for now?
BEEF: GUNS. Magnus is carrying the show now.
Mueller’s eyes widen and he drops the box to his feet, which tips over and out rolls about half a dozen cans of peaches, along with some other food items and a bottle of lotion.
Mueller: I remember… I remember when Magnus and I were in No Warning Shot… We used to drive Mongo absolutely crazy, along with [REDACTED] and MGK. You know Magnus once threw a full sized claymore sword into [REDACTED]’s sternum during a match on live TV?
BEEF: … I really need to go.
Mueller: One more thing, BEEF, before you leave… I can’t figure out the WIFI password. All there is to watch around here is the WWF Brawl for All tournament on VHS. The note on the fridge just says “The GOAT Wrestler + 2022”.
BEEF: Oh, yeah, it’s Reeshi2022.
Mueller: …That’s stupid as fu-
Cut forward to BEEF driving off of the property, which James picking up the cans of peaches and putting them back into the cardboard box. He takes a last look at BEEF’s car disappearing over the hill and James steps back inside with his box, shutting the door behind him. Inside, James sets the box on the table and walks to the couch to grab his phone. He immediately opens up the WIFI settings, inputs “Reeshi2022”, and it successfully connects.
Mueller: …Wait… Who was here before me?
James quickly shakes his head and instead focuses his attention back on the phone. We start to cut forward in time as James slowly acquaints himself with the recent past that he’s missed, but first thing’s first…
“Oh thank fuck, P-Hub still exists.”
Mueller can be seen, uh, pleasuring himself, but we see him from behind and nothing explicitly shown, however.
“Insurrection on January 6th… Glad to see WWE brought that PPV back”
“Suez Canal blocked by a giant ship.. Probably had Mongo behind the wheel of that one too.”
“12-store condominium collapses in Florida… Was probably built by the XHF itself.”
Mueller can be seen pleasuring himself again.
“Texas abortion ban… It’s too late to abort Mongo at this point so who gives a shit.”
“What’s this… ‘Throwback to GUNS winning the XHF Tag Titles’ …”
Mueller is pleasuring himself once again.
“Season 3… Oh man, the Borgs were weird as fuck… More than normal. And why’d they stick these in the post-credits? Nobody sticks around for the post-credits… But still… I miss those guys.”
Mueller puts the phone down… He looks forward into the mirror ahead of him… His hair has turned a little grayer. His face droops a little lower. The bags under the eyes have swollen just a smidge. He asks himself…
“What are you running from?”
James walks away and sits on the couch. He leans forward and puts on his shoes. He grabs his jacket off the arm of the couch, stands up and puts it on. He straightens out his jacket before walking back towards the other side of the cabin. James snatches his keys off the table, grabs a can of peaches from the cardboard box, and exits the Cabin.
A car door opens. A car door shuts. A car engine starts.
The door opens into Magnus’ office, but no sooner does a figure enter, than the large hand of the XHF Shockmaster slams it shut. The trap is sprung. A captive audience for the monster in the feathered costume, currently leaning back in the leather chair – webbed feet leaving print on the wall as it pushes back for more traction.
XHF Shockmaster: Whoops.
Dirty Byrd (back turned to his guest): Pretty stacked show tonight – seems like a real waste to give the people a rematch between me, and Fury. Why not save that for a bigger venue. Surely there is someone else you could have me defend aga-
Pivoting in the leather chair, Dirty Byrd spins it around to address Magnus face to face. Only instead of the XHF Owner, Byrd is greeted by the stern expression of a man who is slightly harder to intimidate.
Dirty Byrd: ...damn.
The Final Boss crosses the room towards the desk, with Byrd losing feathers in a race to vacate the chair.
Zoran Sainovic: Evening Byrd. Since I’m essentially running ze show at zis point, it made more sense for me to have ze large office. He was having a hard time being effective with all ze intruders, and bear traps. If you have business with Magnus, I believe he’s relocated his fax machine to his car.
Dirty Byrd: Thanks, we’ll get out of your hair-
The XHF Originals are quick to leave, but before they can reach the door-
Zoran Sainovic: But if it’s about tonight’s line-up – your opponent – concerns should really be directed to me.
The BEAR escapees stop dead in their tracks. Damn.
Dirty Byrd: Well boss, have you seen this house? Why waste a draw like my Fury defense on these pitiful rubes. Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy to kill Fury any time, but there is no money in doing it tonight. Slow burn it. Let me defend against someone else – I hear Wombat has a son. Or Pilgrim. He hasn’t eaten in months...
Zoran Sainovic: Your in luck, Bryd – Fury hasn’t been cleared to wrestle by ze State Athletic Commission, so zat wouldn’t have been in ze cards anyway.
Byrd breathes a sigh of relief.
Dirty Byrd: In that case, we’ll just hit the road-
Zoran Sainovic: Since UrsusLA covered your monthly defense quotas, I had planned to give you ze night off-
Dirty Byrd: Very kind of you-
The XHF Originals continue to backpeddle.
Zoran Sainovic: But since you want to defend it SO badly – I’m sure I can find a suitable opponent.
Dirty Byrd: Don’t go out of your way-
Zoran Sainovic: Oh I insist. Let’s see – I had arranged for an XHF legend to take me on for ze X*Crown tonight, but you do raise a valid point about ze venue not be worthy… so I suppose I can let you have him instead.
The XHF Gobbledygooker swallows HARD.
Dirty Byrd: I really don’t want-
Zoran Sainovic: I had a secondary plan I can always use for ze crown. So you’re welcome to him. But Byrd – zis legend just became an OVERHEATED representative – so let’s make sure he’s not 100% going into ZAT event.
Dirty Byrd: I... understand.
XHF Shockmaster starts to close the door behind them-
Zoran Sainovic: And knock next time.
No sooner does the door close than a stream of unbelievably foul language is unleashed in the hallway. The Final Boss smiles.
When we return to the announce position, Magnus and Tom have been joined by a competent professional. Unfortunately this third person’s appearance has drawn all manner of disgusting garbage to be thrown by the audience. Fortunately, it’s mostly hitting Magnus and Tom. We cut back to the booth just as Tom takes a rancid tomato to the eye. It splatters on impact; otherwise Phillips would probably take it home for sex purposes.
Magnus: Fans, we’ve been joined by the commissioner. What are you doing here, Zoran?
Sainovic: We actually have wrestlers in zis next contest, so it seemed only fitting zat one member of ze announce booth knew ze names of holds.
Phillips: That’s fair.
Magnus: Damn it, Tom! We don’t admit that! This is for the Phoenix championship?
Sainovic: It is indeed.
Magnus: And you’d originally suckered the participant into coming here for an X*Crown shot, only to bait and switch it for Byrd?
Sainovic: I’m all about spreading ze wealth.
Magnus: So who is it?
Sainovic: Just read ze cue cards.
Magnus stands, to denote his role changing from play by play to ring announcer. We really need to hire another guy. Erik Estrada?! That would be fantastic. Sadly, we’re still stuck with Magnus.
Magnus: Ladies and gentlemen, the following contest is scheduled for one fall, and is for the XHF Phoenix Championship!!!!
Crowd: WE HAVE AS MANY BELTS AS FIRESIDE BUT WE ACTUALLY HAVE THE TALENT TO WARRANT THEM, POP!
#Hey, it's the man#
#Yeah, let's see what's going on#
#Hey, hey#
“Trust” By Prince starts to pump over the PA system.
Magnus: ENTERING FIRST – THE CHAMPION – standing at 5’9” and weighing in at 259lbs, he hails from INSIDE A BEAR –
THE XHF GOBBLEDYGOOKER!!!!
Dirty Byrd pushes out of the backstage area wearing a pink-feathered boa over his already incredibly tacky plumage. Webbed feet in spiked leather boots, black latex overalls keeping him from quite reaching Disney levels of anthropomorphic animal nudity – and the rest of him remains a giant turkey. Byrd’s goofy eyes are covered by neon green goggles, while the filthy feathers on his head have been slicked back into some bewildering miscalculation of style.
#Trust - who do ya?#
#Trust - what makes you a real lover?#
#Trust - I put this question to ya 'cause I want you to be with meeeeee#
Obscenely high energy, Byrd charges out to the edge of the entranceway and throws his wings up in the air – signalling a stream of orange pyro. The explosions light up the dozen shiny objects that the bizarre creature has woven into his wingspan – some glow sticks, but an obscene amount of razors.
#Love - you cannot imagine#
#How much I wanna give to you#
#Hot - I get so excited#
#Just thinkin' about all we could do#
#Dig it now#
As Byrd saunters down the aisle, his entourage follows him out of the back - XHF Shockmaster, XHF Starship Coyote, XHF Diamond Studd, and XHF Fake Razor. Byrd happily slaps hands and kisses babies, despite the audience trying to get away from known plague carrier.
#Another world awaits us#
#Another power to see#
#Close - don't worry about nobody else#
#From now on you'll be here with me#
Entering the ring, Byrd poses with the Phoenix for a minute – before finally handing it to Blind Stubbs.
Phillips: The champion coming out with a lot of support...
Sainovic: Given ze height and weight difference on his opponent, he’s going to need every advantage he can get-
Phillips: You still haven’t clued us in to who the challenger is… and… are those guys’ triplets?
Magnus: AND HIS OPPONENT-
A complete blackout accompanies the opening lyrics of Drowning Pools Tear Away
Crowd: MONSTER POP BECAUSE THEY REALLY WERE EXPECTING WOMBAT JUNIOR AND NOT A SERIOUS CONTENDER OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
#I'm tearing away#
#Pieces are falling,#
#I can't seem to make them stay#
#You run away#
#Faster and faster,#
#You can't seem to get away#
#Break#
Magnus: Standing at 6’5”, and weighing in at 285lbs – he comes to us from Fabulous, Las Vegas, Nevada – give a warm GUNS welcome to-
R A T
B A S T A R D ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
A bright flashing of white lights, and then red strobe lights accompany the music as Rat Bastard steps out into the entrance.
#Hope there's a reason#
#For questions unanswered#
#I just don't see everything#
#Yes, I'm inside you#
#Tell me how does it feel#
#To feel like this#
#Just like I do#
Rat begins to walk down the entranceway, giving fans as Ringside the spooky fingers and talking smack as he does.
#I don't care about anyone else but me#
#I don't care about anyone#
#I don't care about anyone else but me#
#I don't care about anyone#
Rat climbs the ring steps, and steps into the squared circle. Looking out at the crowd he smirks, soaking in all the hate from the crowd.
Phillips: Byrd doesn’t care for this surprise challenger at all.
Magnus: Who could blame him? Love him or probably hate him, Rat is one of the most accomplished wrestler’s in this company – in trying to avoid getting his cummupence from Fury, Byrd has literally gone from the frying pan to the fire.
DING! DING! DING!
Magnus: There’s the bell- and both competitors offering a friendly handshake at the start.
Phillips: Don’t trust him, Byr-
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
Magnus: Handshake is broken by both men kicking each other in the crotch!
Phillips: Seemed to have the same idea. That is going to leave a mark.
Magnus: You are the expert on marked up crotches, Tom.
Phillips: Both men seem to have walked off the pain, and nodding in understanding – seeming to respect the move, they come together for another handshake.
Sainovic: A real meeting of ze minds.
Phillips: Don’t trust him, Ra-
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
#SMACK#
Magnus: Second handshake is again broken by a double kick to the crotch!
Phillips: Whoa! You could hear those hits from here. Rat and Byrd are going to be pissing blood for a week!
Magnus: Having had the same idea, it’s hard for them not to congratulate themselves. So third times a charm on the mutual respect handshake front-
Phillips: Don’t trust them, Magn-
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
Magnus: This time Byrd goes for an eye gouge, which blinds Bastard a half second after he buries a boot in the Gobbledygooker’s neither regions!
Holding his testicles in agony, Byrd seems pleased that his eye gouge has broken the handshake deadlock – at least until Bastard takes his head off with a closeline. Rubbing his sore eyes, Rat stomps a hole in the champion. An arrogant standing pin gets a 1 count, then another 1 count, then Rat stomps on Byrd’s throat, using the ropes to choke him for 1 – 2 – 3 – 4 – breaking it on a 5 count. Coughing in rage, Byrd uses the old fireball to the crotch to shift momentum. As Bastard recoils, Byrd pops up with a European uppercut, whips him hard into the corner and catches Rat coming out with a drumstick lariat. An Air Byrd - standing senton - sets up a fistful of tights for 2.
Magnus: So originally you were going to defend against Rat Bastard tonight?
Sainovic: It would have been a classic. Besides, it’s close to eighteen years since Rat last held ze crown. He’s long overdue. Certainly Rat has a better chance of becoming a zree-time champion zan Steve Awesome does.
Phillips: That would have been off the charts.
Byrd hits a legdrop for 1, then goes for a spinning elbow, only to have Bastard roll out of the way. Byrd tries to go for it again, only to eat a thrust kick to the head. Byrd slumps back into the ropes, then rebounds off with another drumstick lariat – only for Rat to turn it into a dragon screw legwhip. Pinning Byrd down with an elbow to the throat, Bastard lays in some kneedrops, working over the right leg. Grounding Byrd with a vicious headbutt, then hooking the legs – Bastard spikes Byrd’s head with a slingshot suplex. These gets 2 before Byrd gets a webbed foot on the ropes.
Magnus: So what made you give your opponent to Byrd?
Sainovic: It seems zat Rat Bastard is REIGN’s representative for Overheated. If he has his heart set on taking MY gold at Night of Champions, zere was no reason to give him ze opportunity earlier.
Phillips: Byrd using those blades in his wings to draw blood.
Sainovic: About time.
Magnus: So can we take it you’re supporting Byrd in this defence?
Sainovic: I took Fury out, it’s only fair zat Byrd does ze same to Rat. Like Strangers on a Train...
Magnus: You dislike Rat that much, just for signing up for Overheated?
Sainovic: Zanks to some CHEATING GHOSTS, I’m basically stuck facing ALL ZE BANG BROS BY MYSELF at Night of Champions. Steve Awesome would like nothing more zan for his frat buddies to GANG BANG me, probably the only way he can achieve sexual arousal in ze company of Zelda. My one hope is zat zeir ranks get thinned at Overheated. Now Rat here could quite easily take out a Spike Kane or Kanyon... but as another Awesome pal, what good does zat do me? So as much as I respect Rat, I hope Byrd hospitalizes him.
Byrd tries to whip his razor sharp wing into Rat’s face, only to be knocked back with a heavy forearm shot. A dick kick doubles Byrd over. Grabbing a fistful of greased feathers, Rat whips Byrd hard into the corner then charges in with a shouldertackle that nearly snaps him in half. Rat then charges in with a big boot, only to have Byrd duck under, leaving the larger man to crotch himself on the top rope. Firing off rapid-fire boots of his own, Byrd further busts Rat open with a face wash. Rat starts to block, so Byrd nails him with a wing to the throat. Hoping up, Byrd starts to go for a tornado DDT – only for Rat to turn it into a T-Bone Suplex! 1 – 2 – XHF Shockmaster puts Byrd’s foot on the ropes.
Phillips: Come on Stubbs, Rat had him!
Magnus: So Zoran, without Rat going after the Crown, who do you have lined up?
Sainovic: Oh, I recently received some fan correspondence zat really touched my heart – listen to zis voice mail: “Hello Mister Sainovic, this is Phil Cameron – you met me with my family at The Rumble. I understand you were just doing your job, but the event ended up traumatizing my step-daughter, and I’d really appreciate it if you could apology to Lauren – show her you’re a real person, and it’s just pretend. I’m sure Steve would ask you himself, but he is currently partying with his friends in Tunisia...” You get ze idea.
Magnus: WAIT, you’re defending against Steve Awesome’s EX – Mandi – her new husband?
Sainovic: Phil’s paternal instincts really spoke to me, what better opponent for a Father’s Day show?
Magnus: He’s not a trained wrestler-
Sainovic: Phil is clearly a better father zan Steve, so it stands to reason, he’d make a better X*Crown champion-
Phil: RAT GOING FOR THE BASTARD BOMB!
Just as Rat starts to set-up his powerbomb – XHF Fake Razor throws a toothpick at him. No stranger to toothpicks, Rat ducks under. Then XHF Starship Coyote and XHF Diamond Studd throw their toothpicks as well. But Rat catches them in the air and tosses them back – one hitting Studd in the forehead, while the other-
Phillips: AAAAH MY EYE!
Sainovic: It was just a toothpick, Tom. Man up!
Phillips: IS IT BLEEDING?
Magnus: You really need to toughen up if you’re going to survive in prison, Tom.
The distraction allows Byrd to backdrop out of the powerbomb, only Rat lands on his feet. A big boot to the midsection doubles Bird over, setting him up for The Plauge...
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
Only instead of hitting The Plauge in the ring, Rat tosses Byrd over the top rope – into his entourage.
Magnus: Byrd sent flying into his entourage, taking them out!
Following out to the floor, Rat takes Shockmaster down with a bulldog. Then rakes Starship Coyote’s eyes – before finally grabbing Byrd, and choke slamming him into the steel steps. With the champion holding his back like its broken, and the distractions taken care of – Rat Bastard tosses Byrd back in. Locking on a crippler cross face.
Magnus: RAT TRAP! RAT TRAP! WE COULD BE LOOKING AT A NEW CHAMPION!
Sainovic: You don’t have to sound so happy.
Magnus: Without the strap, we can finally get Byrd off TV and Mongo off my back!
Phillips: Byrd might be out from that spill to the floor, otherwise he’d be tapping like hell.
XHF Diamond Studd reaches under the ropes to try to break the lock, only to eat a boot to the face. With the other distractions slowly waking, Rat lets go of the hold.
Magnus: RAT GOING FOR THE B.O.D.!!!!!!!
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
Magnus: NO! Byrd slips out and goes for the TURKEY SHOOT!
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
Magnus: NO! RAT TURNING IT OVER B.O.D.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TWO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THREE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sainovic: Zis is unfortunate.
DING! DING! DING!
Magnus: THE WINNER OF THIS MATCH, AND *NEW* XHF PHOENIX CHAMPION –
RAAAAAAAAAAT
BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASTARD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The audience are delighted that Byrd lost, but not pleased that Rat won. The reaction is deeply conflicted. Blind Stubbs hands Rat Bastard the Phoenix title.
Magnus: It might have moved from Global status to AWF to GUNS, but the XHF Phoenix Championship was the last singles XHF branded title that Rat Bastard hadn’t won.
Sainovic: Other zan junior and women-
Magnus: EVERY belt he could win with the XHF he has won!
Phillips: So this makes him a Grand Slam winner? Good for him.
Magnus: Yes the GRAND SLAM, he should be insufferable.
*CLAP*
*CLAP*
*CLAP*
The Final Boss stands on the announce table with a microphone.
Zoran Sainovic: Congratulations, Rat. Of course, since it’s unlikely zat GUNS exclusive Dirty Byrd will be appearing in REIGN any time soon – I'm afraid we have to insist on ze former champion getting an - AUTOMATIC REMATCH!
From behind, Dirty Byrd hits Rat Bastard with a sucker punch, then pulls him into an inside package.
Magnus: THAT’S THE SAME MOVE AWESOME USED ON YOU AT HEGEMONY!
Sainovic: ...A very astute observation, Magnus…
Magnus: NOT LIKE THIS-
ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TWO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THREE-
Phillips: Kickout! Rat Bastard a crafty enough veteran not to drop the match to the element of surprise.
Sainovic: ...
Phillips: What are you writing?
Sainovic: Nothing.
Magnus: Gobbldygooker going for the Thanksgiving Destroyer, but Rat reverses it into a Bastard Bomb!
ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TWO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Phillips: XHF Shockmaster breaks the pin!
This interference is so obvious that even Blind Stubbs catches it, and starts calling for the bell-
Zoran Sainovic (still on table): BY ZE WAY, ZIS REMATCH IS NO DISQUALIFICATIONS!
Stubbs stops. The rest of the XHF Originals hit the ring. Rat Bastard punches off Fake Razor, before XHF Diamond Studd nails him with a chair. XHF Starship Coyote brings a chair of his own. Bastard covers up, trying to fight through the onslaught – when Byrd brings a cinderblock across his back.
#THUD#
Magnus: WHERE THE HELL DID BYRD GET A CINDERBLOCK?
Phillips: He has a tendency to escalate things-
Magnus: Byrd now with the sloppy cover-
ONE!
TWO!
THREE!
DING! DING! DING!
Magnus: This is disgusting.
Sainovic: ZE WINNER OF ZIS MATCH, AND NEW PHOENIX CHAMPION – ZE XHF GOBBELDYGOOKER!!!
The XHF Originals continue to kick away at Bastard, while Byrd poses with his championship.
Sainovic: Now ZIS I could watch all night-
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
The audience POP HARD as Steve Awesome jumps the guardrail, and runs in for the save.
Magnus: IT’S STEVE AWESOME! Dropkick sends that chair into Fake Razor’s face! Spaceship Coyote moves in, but eats a fist to the breadbasket. Now Awesome grabbing Razor’s chair and going to town! Byrd quickly bailing!
Phillips: Steve kicking Coyote’s chair over to Rat, who looks worse for the beating, but joins him- AWESOME BASTARDS RUNNING WILD!
A few brutal chairshots send the Originals packing. The Awesome Bastards stand triumphant in the ring, at least until it’s surrounded by security guards.
Sainovic: Last time I checked you TWO weren’t GUNS employees. So I don’t know why you zink it’s appropriate to SNEAK INTO OUR FED, and BURY a loyal company man like XHF Spaceship Coyote. Security, keep zese overly enthusiastic fans detained until we can have law enforcement authorities detain zem-
Security try to enter the ring, only to be held back by wide chair swings. Weighing their options, AWESOME BASTARDS decide to exit through the crowd. Sainovic grimaces. He really hopes Rat doesn’t replace one of the Bang Bros at Overheated.
Magnus: The Awesome Bastards exiting through the audience, chased by guards.
Phillips: And GUNS retains control of the Phoenix title!
Magnus: Don’t remind me. We’re never going to get rid of Byrd.
Sainovic: Gentlemen, zank you for having me. I’ll reveal ze results of zese employee evaluations at ze Birthday show.
Phillips: WAIT, we were being judged?
Sainovic: Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a championship match to prepare for-
The Commissioner exits.
Phillips: What’s stopping Zoran from losing the belt to Phil on purpose, just to piss Steve off, then pulling the same automatic rematch stunt to become the first three time X*Crown champion? You know, just to piss everyone off?
Magnus: For his many character flaws, Zoran cares about the crown’s integrity too much to sully its reputation with that stunt.
Phillips: I suppose so...
Magnus: Of course, that was before Fireside handed it around to half their roster.
Both: damn.
“UNBOXED IN JAPAN”
Footage from the King of Hokkaido 2022 tournament plays.
Announcer: Future XHF Hall of Famer, Ken in the Box, was recently selected as GUNS representative for J-RoK’s King of Hokkaido 2022 tournament. While we wished Ken well, no one could have expected just how successful he would be in the land of the rising sun. Fighting with the intent of using the prize money to purchase a new box, Ken has fired up with a passion not seen in years.
Images of Ken’s winning performances soon cut to a post-match press conference of the long-term XHF star.
Unboxed Ken: Thank you. (polite bow) J-RoK’s warm welcome has been overwhelming. I came here to buy a new house, find a new home – but being untethered for the first time since I can remember? I miss my home. I miss the familiar surroundings. But the freedom the opportunity provides? It’s nice to find my voice again. It’s true what they say, happiness exists outside of your comfort zone.
Despite his brave words, footage then shows Ken having a hard time dealing with the Tokyo skyline. The only place he seems comfortable is the subway – where packed in like a sardine, he is reminded of his boxed surroundings.
Announcer: There are still a number of matches left in the tournament to pull off the impossible, but all the GUNS family are cheering for you Ken!
The last shot is a static image of a box that’s been opened up.
Magnus: We have a grudge match that will have you glued to your television sets coming up next!
Phillips: Greg Adkins has been a thorn in Jesse Jamester’s side for a while now. The two tore into one another all over the arena during the XHF Rumble.
Magnus: Not only that but Adkins has been constantly picking fights with the Murder Lizard. Just last show his fireball was the reason for Dylan Black and Jesse’s match being called a draw.
Phillips: A dream match that fans have clamored for has brought two men together who have had not been shy about their dislike for one another; Dylan Black and Jesse Jamester will pair up tonight - and I can’t imagine either are happy about that.
Magnus: But we also have a mystery partner for Greg Adkins. I have the faintest of ideas who he could have found to team with him.
Phillips: Well it’s about to get started as our announcer has stepped in the GUNS ring to begin introductions.
The ring announcer steps through the ropes, dressed in a black suit with a white undershirt, fancier than usual for a GUNS staff member. He takes to the center to begin the match introduction.
Ring Announcer: The following match is a TAG TEAM MATCH and will be scheduled for ONE FALL! The rules are as follows… One fall to a finish, submissions and pinfalls are legal, a ten count will be administered by the referee when one of the two active competitors is outside the ring. If the competitor is unable to return to the ring, they will be counted out and lose the match for their team. Disqualifications will occur after two warnings from the referee and on the third warning, the disqualification will end the match! There is NO TIME LIMIT!
The crowd roars as he steps back and pauses.
Ring Announcer: Introducing first, a former TWO TIME XHF X*CROWN CHAMPION! The winner of the 2021 XHF Rumble! Hailing from Hokkaido Prefecture, Hokkaido, Japan! He stands six foot three inches tall and weighed in this evening at 206 pounds! Recognized and feared as "The Daemon of Mayhem" … here is — DYYYYYYYYLLLAAAN BLLLLLAAAAAAAAAAACCKKKKK!
The lights flash green as the riffs to Reid Henry’s hit new single hits the sound system of the GUNS arena, it’s uplifting and electric! The curtains between the wrestling word and gorilla open up and Dylan pushes his way through them! He pauses, posing for the crowd before strolling down the ramp ever so casually.
Phillips: One of the most dangerous and decorated wrestlers in recent years here in XHF.
Magnus: Not only a former two time X*Crown Champion, but also the XHF Rumble winner of 2021. Dylan is rewriting the book on the sport of wrestling, and tonight we get a front row seat.
Phillips: Wrestling? The three we know of; I don’t see them wrestling here tonight. We’re going to see a fight.
Magnus: They may love the violence but they love to be the best even more. It’s what brought them to the dance in the first place.
Phillips: I’m more interested in knowing what sorry soul Greg Adkins con’d into being his partner.
Dylan rolls under the bottom ropes and waves his hand in the ring, creating a small lightning arc! He gestures in the boos from those in attendance and just gives off the biggest smirk before he slinks into his corner.
Ring Announcer: Introducing his partner, hailing from Calgary, Alberta Canada! He stands six foot six inches tall and weighed in this evening at 264 pounds! Known the world over as ‘The Murder Lizard’, here is — JESSSSSSSE JAMESSSS-SSSSSTTTTTEEERRRRRRR!
Riot waves of fans leave their seat as Slipknot’s “Everything Ends” rips through the sound system! Green and white lights begin to flicker down in a circle near the entrance way. Guitars shred as drums beat viciously through the speakers. Fans begin stomping their feet before seeing the imposing figure cast a shadow in the lit up circle.
Phillips: There are not many who can say they do what they love for a living. That changes whe you ask this man. This is his purpose. Wrestling is his life.
Magnus: All I know is he has been on the losing end due to Greg Adkins as of late. That disturbance to a man like Jesse. (looks left at his partner) That doesn’t go well for the other person in the end.
Phillips: But can there even be any real team work here between Dylan and Jesse? These two are not tag team aficionados.
Magnus: (slides a sheet of paper at Phil) Incorrect. Both these men have had success as tag team wrestlers, both finding gold in those journeys. Dylan a former XHF Tag Team champion and Jesse held the Northern Pro tag titles with Scott Steele.
The Murder Lizard steps forward and throws his head up, whipping his hair back as the scaly black dinosaur style mask that struck fear into opponents took the stage. Jesse Jamester had arrived. Sporting white boots with black laces, with a lizard wrapped in barbed wire on the outside of each boot, and a bloody barbed wire design circling his tights. Fists taped up with black athletic tape, a black elbow pad on his right arm, and all the tattoos and scars visible from neck to abdomen, down both arms, and even on the eyebrow of the one eye that is more visible than the other under the mask.
Magnus: Last week they wanted to tear each other's heads off.
Phillips: And you put them together because why?
Magnus: I didn’t do this - THEY did!
Phillips: And you think this is going to end well?
Magnus: I know it’s going to sell tickets. Look at these people!
Panning around the arena, the camera catches the rabid roars and chants of the loyal GUN nation. Golden Bear koozie hats that held four beers were prominent throughout the crowd.
Taking a moment to soak it in, the Murder Lizard scans the arena, and makes his way down the aisle towards the ring.
Phillips: I have it on good authority that the referees were drawing straws to see who would officiate this match tonight.
Magnus: Because I told you that!
The Murder Lizard has entered the ring and him and Dylan seem to have an understanding, whether agreed on or not, nobody knew. Not many words were spoken between the two as they kept to themselves. Dylan picks himself up out of the corner using the top ropes while Jesse slips off the black vest he began sporting recently. Stretching on the ropes, the one thing these two shared was their patience running out with Greg Adkins; the man who made two rivals come together for a cause; to kick his ass.
Ring Announcer: And introducing their opponent, hailing from Bloomington, Illinois. He stands six foot two and weighed this evening at one hundred and sixty-five pounds. He is “Guttertrash” Greg Adkins!
“Down Low” by R.Kelly begins playing as Greg Adkins dances his way out from the back - he stops at the top of the ramp.
Greg Adkins: (clears throat) LADIES and turds, and brats of all these failures!
Pointing around the arena at the GUNS fans that had any Dylan Black or Jesse Jamester fan posters or T-shirts, and all the peanut gallery seats up in the darkest corners of the old dilapidated arena. Greg stops until the fans shush, spitting a loogie almost on a fan at the barricade. Adkins raises his free hand to the sky as the slow steady beating of a drum begins, hyping what is about to happen and stealing the audience's attention.
Greg Adkins: Shut your mouths and bow down! I said bow down to the Empress of Evil! A Legendary Assassin! And a true German ICON!
Pauses dramatically as fans begin to boo.
Greg Adkins: Hailing from Cologne, Germany, here is —- ESMERALDA VON KRAAAAAAUUUUUUUSSSSssss!
The lights flicker and the arena mood shifts as a halo circle on the stage appears to the left of Greg Adkins. That same circle shakes and vibrates to the pulse of a sick shredding metal guitar riff as the bass stomps the eardrums in a melodic smooth tone. Suddenly the halo warps into a purple symbol sporting an Assassin heritage that went back centuries. Rising from the stage with smoke pouring at her feet. The riser stops flush with the entrance ramp and Adkins nods as he half bows, showing her respect. Tossing the microphone does Adkins as he walks to the right side of Krauss, but a step or two behind her. The guitar's melodic metal riff picks up to the beating drums before a solo bass chorus comes in and the drums switch to a slower top hat rhythm. It’s a clash of modern metal and 90s alternative with a piano coming in as the drums fade.
Phillips: Who would have thought the wife of Armond von Krauss would grace a GUNS ring!
Magnus: And be willingly a partner of Adkins. Go figure huh?
Phillips: Caught me by surprise.
At the ring apron, Greg goes up the steps as Esmeralda climbs the apron using the middle rope and steps through to a scattered purple siren light blinking on each corner. The Daemon and the Lizard glance at each other, a brief stare and eyebrow raise before their attention returns to the German Assassin. She turns her shoulder to the pair as she removes her head cowl that is attached to a single right shoulder garment made to rush a foe and blast them into never-never land. She slips the head cowl over the shoulder garment and sets it under the neutral corner turnbuckle near the post. Adkins grabs Jesse’s hair from the apron and reverse springs Jesse’s mid-to-high back off the top rope as he yanks the dark muddy looking hair all the way to the outside floor. Jesse springs forward and as he does Krauss spins around, crouching down, and slingshots her knee into the burnt side of JJ’s mask!
Magnus: Plans don’t need to be pretty to work.
Phillips: Krauss was the bait, but Adkins executed the sneak attack perfectly.
Magnus: I mean, look at Adkins, do you think he’s ever showered?
Phillips: Never been close enough to know.
Magnus: Consider yourself lucky.
Slammed by the sudden sneak attack that was executed to perfection. Greg Adkins goes to grab the boot of Jesse Jamester near the ropes, and pulls him to the outside of the ring. In the ring, Dylan delivers a side kick to the hip of Krauss! The Daemon of Mayhem shows a side we haven’t seen in some time in XHF, with each kick calculated and precise to target limbs and joints of the German Assassin. Esmeralda not being one to show emotion, the evil empress of mystery recoiled like a snake, dipping to a crouch to avoid a major elbow attack and responding with a leaping double knee attack to the chest! Krauss rolls through and comes to her feet with poise. Esmeralda wastes no time with turning to face Dylan and see him back up and ready, though showing the red marks from her attack.
Phillips: Krauss may lack the size of her opponents, but she isn’t giving them any reason to underestimate her.
Magnus: Nobody should. Negotiating with her was interesting.
Phillips: Greg Admins and Krauss as a team though? Can they get along and overcome two of the Xtreme Pillars of XHF?
Magnus: I’m betting Dylan and Jesse break down before that’s even a concern. Black and Jesse have a history of blood! Don’t think for one second that has been forgotten.
Phillips: Adkins with his persistent poking of the Murder Lizard has put himself in this position. He has to have a plan, right?
Magnus: First glance, many would say no way. But don’t be quick to judge the book by its cover.
On the outside Greg Adkins is clotheslined over the barricade by Jesse! The Murder Lizard follows suit by hopping the barricade. Returning Greg to his feet in rough fashion, JJ gets poked in the eye holes of his masks as Greg tries to blind him temporarily.
Dylan whips Krauss to the ropes and drops to the mat as she sprints towards him, Krauss is forced to jump to avoid tripping and slingshots her body to the far ropes. Dylan with a leapfrog but Esmeralda stops! The referee is yelling at their partners to get back to the ringside area, and Esmeralda sends her leg up like a pro punter! Dylan’s family jewels find the posts and IT’S GOOD!
Magnus: No future baby Dylan’s in his future now.
Phillips: That hurt me, and I’m only watching this!
Magnus: Doesn’t matter how good you are, that will bring any man to his knees.
The refere misses it all and is now between the ropes as he yells outside pointing to Greg Adkins to put the chair down. On his knees and clutching the prized Black beans, Dylan looks up to a smug smirk on the face of Krauss.
A punch to the-CENSORED- sends an ‘OOOOOOOOH!’ through the crowd.
Dylan lands the most heinous punch, one that will likely get the cancel-culture folks on his twitter in a storm, and a seat at Drew Barrymore's talk show, before his head is kicked like a soccer ball immediately afterwards by the very same victim of said heinous act - Esmeralda von Krauss.
Phillips: It’s true, they are not the same!
Magnus: You never went to school huh Phil?
Phillips: What? Me? Uuhhhh, what did my resume say again?
Magnus: Dylan with that unforgivable punch to Krauss is going to be viral before the night is over.
Phillips: If someone ringside could find where Esmeralda sent Dylan’s head, I think I saw it land in the upper section of section 238.
Dylan hits the canvas and Krauss drops on him to begin striking elbows as Adkins is seen running now towards the ring area as Jesse has regained vision and pissed off at him. The Murder Lizard is seen picking up chairs and chucking them at him as fans scatter from their seats, giving him more ammunition. It’s become a game of Dodge-a-Chair.
The referee has now left the ring and is standing at the barricade when Greg Adkins, who is looking over his shoulder to know whether to zig or zag, turns and vaults forward to clear the barricade. The referee ducks just in the nick of time. Adkins rolls past him and proceeds to army crawl under the ring apron. GUNS referee yells at Adkins to get to his corner or he will disqualify him — BAAAAAAAM!
Magnus: Lights out!
Phillips: And that’s all folks, well for the ref I mean. Jesse’s chair chucking was meant for Adkins but was late to land and blasts our official in the cranium like a hanging three-pointer hits net in an NBA game.
Magnus: We need a stretcher and a new official out here now, or this is going to go south in a hurry.
Phillips: Your mom goes south…
Magnus: Was that an attempt to make my dead mom a joke?
Phillips: No no no— I, uh–uh–
Magnus: Gotcha! Kinda like how Jesse got that referee, and how I’m looking to get a bill for that… Damnit.
Krauss sees the refere go down and Jesse skulks towards the ring area. The chair swinging lizard freak chucks a chair at the ring and it hits the ropes but bounces off the apron, clanging as it hit the ringside floor. Krauss turns back to Dylan and is met with a kick to the gut and a tiger suplex that turns into a driver for her transgressions earlier. The Empress of Evil is taken off guard and gets folded up like a paper plane. Dylan attempts a pin and Jesse just shakes his head after getting over the barricade. The Murder Lizard lifts the knocked out referee by the back of his collar, hanging in his hand.
Jesse: Looking for this?
Dylan: Fuck!
Dropping the referee, Jesse points towards Dylan and the Daemon sees Adkins as he comes up from the other side of the ring with the ring apron on his shoulders. Dylan does the old boot scootin boogie and bounces off one set of ropes before he jumps through the ropes with a shotgun dropkick to the back of Greg Adkins!
Magnus: Adkins nearly sent into the first row!
Phillips: Black showing us a play out of his book that isn’t common.
Magnus: No, Dylan doesn’t care to fly like others are known for. His battle is between the brain and the body that he will break down and torture. It’s a game of endurance for the young man.
The fall from the kick was prepared for but never easy, and Dylan took a spill for a risk that paid off. As he leans up on the apron, Dylan slaps a leg and looks around at the fans - the eye wink before a sinister smile of devious thought washes over his face. Swiping his hair from his eyes, the Daemon of Mayhem grabs Greg by the trunks and back of his neck before walking him around the ring towards his partner.
Phillips: Jesse has set up the steel steps and loaded it up with multiple folded steel chairs.
Magnus: That cannot be good if you’re name is Greg.
Phillips: It has turned into an all out fight just like I said!
Magnus: This is not a fight, it’s way too tame for these four to be mislabeled like that. This evens the score.
Phillips: I don’t know, Greg shot Fire at their faces!
Approaching the Murder Lizard, Dylan stops and turns Greg to face him before striking with a palm to the nose! The next one to the right pec, which comes up and crosses his face with an elbow, which turns Greg’s face towards the ring. Stepping sideways and staggering in a swooping circle; Greg grabs his nose as he looks back up at Dylan and backs up a step, another step, and backs right into the chest of Jesse Jamester. The realization takes a moment to register as Greg’s eyes grow wider and he hesitantly turns around.
Phillips: Face to face finally.
Magnus: Well like face to chin.
Phillips: he’s not that short!
Magnus: He’s not standing upright either. I imagine Adkins wished he was anywhere but here at this very second.
A massive throat chop to Adkins and Jesse scoops Greg off his feet, turning him upside down while he wraps his arms around Greg’s back and has his knees hanging over the shoulder. Boots facing the lights, head pointing to the floor, Jesse walks up the first step of the steel steps and adjusts Greg’s body to see better – POOOOOOOOOW!
Magnus: A flying superman punch to the kisser of the Murder Lizard!
Phillips: Esmeralda ran the length of the ring apron before she leaped into attack mode! Reminds me of a one night stand I had.
Magnus: You got Superman punched by a flying naked broad?!
Phillips: No!
Magnus: Then how the hell does it remind you— never, never mind! I don’t want to know what kinks you’re into Phil, keep that crazy part to the women in your life and a therapist please.
Krauss’ trademark move ‘Justice’ was so effective it sent Jesse to teeter backwards onto his back with Greg landing on his chest, avoiding any of the chairs that had shifted and slid everywhere. Some under Jesse, some breaking Krauss’ own fall, yet Greg has come out unscathed. Crawling off Jesse Jamester, sliding on chairs, and grabbing the ring rope to pull himself up on the apron - Greg surveys the damage. He had been saved from a Violent Grave move that could have shortened his career, all thanks to Esmeralda. She was along the far side of the ring, sitting up against the barricade, recovering front her landing on all the chairs.
Phillips: I could just see this getting to this point when I saw it announced.
Magnus: But you had no idea Krauss would be here.
Phillips: We had three-fourths of a meat lovers extreme style in two of those. We all knew it had to be someone who could go.
Magnus: For me, the fact that Greg has forgotten about that shotgun dropkick and who delivered it earlier.
Walking up behind Greg, the Daemon of Mayhem has his hands on his hips before raising the one and putting it up like he was lining up his shot, the scope of his weapon had to find it’s trajectory, where it would go, and before Greg had turned around it was coming at him! Ducked using the middle rope, Greg shoulder strikes the abdomen area as he nearly comes into the ring from his momentum - but Dylan’s body colliding with his shoulder levels him out, and Adkins stand on the apron with his torso in the ring. Shifting his body, he places his head between Dylan’s thighs and lifts up for a back body drop to Black! One arm grabbing the ropes as he is upside down and looking to be making his ring exit; Dylan shifts his weight and instead lands beside Greg on the apron, almost gymnast in his acrobatic escape. Dylan knees Greg twice in his exposed stomach before Adkins returns to a stand on the apron.
CHOP from Dylan!
CHOP from Adkins!
CHOP from Dylan!
CHOP from Adkins!
CHOP from Dylan!
CHOP from Adkins!
One after another, it was a gut check and nobody wanted to quit as the chops noise picked up in speed, until the audience began chanting the move each time it would land on either Dylan or Greg; both showing the damage done to their skin as it turned to the look of someone getting rug burn from sliding across the living room floor too fast.
Magnum: Disasterpiece from Dylan Black!
Phillips: Greg is going to end up being called ‘No More Teeth Adkins’ after that!
Greg takes the bicycle knee strike in the center of his chest but hooks the middle rope in a last ditch effort to avoid the fall to the outside. Adkins looks like a sloth sleeping on the bottom rope as he rolls into the ring, Dylan on the other hand stays on the apron and looks back at Adkins as he rolls onto his back looking up at the lights.
[Lights go out]
Phillips: Forget to pay the electric bill again?
Magnus: That was ONE time, and it was because I forgot a stamp.
Crackling occurs before lights burst back on, and the scene of the ring is visible. Dylan Black and Jesse Jamester stand in the ring, surrounded at each side of the squared circle by someone.
Esmeralda von Krauss stands to the north with Greg Adkins residing ring side behind her with a Singapore cane in his hands, ready to go ‘Mark McGwire’. Panning around Krauss and Adkins, the camera shows three hooded people standing on each side of the ring, surrounding Black and Jamester.
Phillips: I’m not one for conspiracy theories, but this feels like a set up Mags. Don’t you think?
Magnus: It smells of high hell, and I’ve smelled what Golden Bear II had for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.
Phillips: Never repeat that, please.
Magnus: I have been around long enough to know, anything can happen in wrestling. Especially in GUNS.
Dylan Black and Jesse Jamester stand back to back in the center of the ring. Two men who fought wars amongst one another; merely to prove that they were the better man. Wars of blood and violence that started right here in GUNS on its “Season 3 Opener: XHF’s Birthday Bash”. were ready to fight whoever took the first move to enter the ring.
Esmeralda enters first and Greg Adkins is quick to follow. Jesse keeps his ground and with a “NOW” they both rush at the person directly in front of them. Jesse stomping on Greg Adkins as he slides in, while Krauss is able to get in the ring fully before Jesse has her on the ropes and is punching anything that moves. Krauss takes two to the upper shoulder and chest before she is able to kick the inside of Jesse’s right knee; buckling him to one leg.
The hooded figure in front of Dylan receives a Shotgun Dropkick that sends him tumbling back out of the ring just as they were stepping through. His hood falls and it’s…
Magnus: LONG! Who let Jason Long in here?!
Phillips: We really need to fire security Mags.
The other two hooded figures are able to get to Dylan as he was rising from the dropkick The first attacker goes for his arms, while the second attacker lays in lethal kicks to the midsection and thighs of Dylan. Dylan’s teeth clench as he stomps the foot of the attacker behind him and uses his feet to kick the front attacker. Dylan is locked up by the waist from the second attacker, but a rear kick and the Daemon of Mayhem finds the sex of attacker two to be — it’s a boy!
The grapple dissolves and the 2nd attacker is uncomfortably holding his man-thangs, before Dylan jumps backwards, using his legs, and REVERSE STANDING HURRACARANA!
Phillips: No way! It’s EL REY!!!
Magnus: What in the hell is going on here!?
Before Dylan can turn around to the 1st attacker; Jason Long is off the top rope and missile dropkicks Dylan in the cheek like he stole his woman! Dylan crashes and burns from the sudden assault, as Jason smiles proudly of his handy work. Long looks back to the 1st attacker and last remaining hooded figure.
Jesse Jamester blows up from the one knee and pushes Greg Adkins and Esmeralda Krauss off him before getting blasted with a superkick from Jason Long! The Murder Lizard staggers like an oak that has just one more root that needs cut before they yell ‘Timber!’ That was all it took too as the hooded figure kicked Jesse in the gut, sending him forward in a hunching position. Grabbing his neck as the attacker faces the crowd, he drops to his ass in a fashion many knew oh-to-fuckin-well!
Magnus: FUCK IT’S DONZIG!
Phillips: Event Horizon by Donzig?! I… uh, I need context – what are they doing out here?! Why are they attacking these two?
Magnus: You and about a billion others are wondering the same thing.
Phillips: Is this the Cult of Donzig?
Magnus: Let’s not throw words like Cult around. Specifically in, or around, Donzig himself. He doesn’t need any more ideas.
Phillips: Someone needs to explain what just happe—
A fire ignites on the stage just about where the ring curtain is, and like some Marvel Doctor Strange magic portal like effect starts to happen - but with fire spiraling to a smoke as the outer circle widens and we hear…
Phillips: Spike Kane is here!
Magnus: I’m losing my deductible on this building, I knew it.
Phillips: Well yeah, but that’s what you get booking Dylan Black and Jesse Jamester in a tag match that they requested. What other possible result did you think would happen?
Magnus: Better T-shirt sales for starters.
Phillips: Nobody out sells the Bear, nobody.
Magnus: Facts. But back to this right here and not our cheap plug to go to ‘SHOP DOT GUNS DOT COM” and use the code “#fuckmongo” for ten percent off all orders over $100 US, and whatever that converts to in the rest of the world. This is a limited time offer, and will end when Season 3 of GUNS concludes.
Back to the man of the moment, the Fire starting, to Hell and Back, and back and hell, yeah – he does a lot of that and you know, it’s unsure if he’s just got like a ‘Hell Library Card’ but Spike Kane has fuckin’ arrived folks! Spike didn’t come alone though, no, it’s not the Call to Arms 3 winners he is with - the BANG! Bros for those who are slacking (ooops, spoiler), but the object in his hand appears to be a sledgehammer with the pins of Hellraiser sticking out of it, with a spot on the top that has El Rey’s Funko Pop, ehh, actually just the Pop’s head of El Rey. Do you got beef, well Spike Kane and El Rey do and it looks to be a score Spike is settling right here, right now.
Magnus: We’re all going to hell now, I can just see it…
Phillips: Of course, we’re degenerates and we work here. Not a news break, but if you’re looking for a religion, Spike is not the guy to talk to.
Magnus: Whether any one likes him outside the BANG! Bros, Spike has been the hottest XHF return in 2021, winning the X*Crown Championship, the FIRSIDE Spark championship, and battling just about anything that moves.
Phillips: And he comes bearing gifts.
Magnus: Uh, remind me to remove you from the secret santa this year.
Swinging the sledgehammer pin cushion of hell, Spike clears a path of Jason Long, Esmeralda, and Greg Adkins as they try to cut him off on the ramp. The equalizer was doing its job as Spike kicks Long in the knee and goes for the back but Greg tackles him into the barricade while Krauss removes Spike’s fingers from the sledgehammer of hell by biting them. A swift elbow to Krauss’ face and Spike knees Adkins in the chest before double axe hammering his neck and sending him to the outside floor. Krauss goes for JUSTICE once more! But Spike ducks and hits Blood God's Wrath on the flying Krauss! Leaving her feet was not a common move in her arsenal, and tonight it would prove to be her mistake as Krauss hits the floor.
Magnus: I see Spike is here to help Dylan and Jesse. Odd…
Phillips: The brothers you bleed with, are brothers for life.
Magnus: Art of war?
Phillips: No, I just made that up.
Spike rises up and hits the ring where El Rey meets him head on! Punches traded, the two men would give Mike Tyson a run for their money, but that’s neither here nor there. Kane and Rey are occupied with one another as Donzig commands the others to go for Spike. Size advantage goes to Spike, yet speed was to El Rey. The two are not quick to lock up, but do go in for a good ole’ fashion fight. Rushing at Spike, El Rey ducks a clothesline and springboards off the ropes, moonsaulting over the opponent at first. into the E-Reytio Variation 2!
Phillips: A move I could never learn how to say right is hit!
Magnus: Awe, and we thought that the Pillars of Xtreme were bad men; It looks like we have been proven wrong by these five.
Phillips: Hey, a broken clock is right twice a day.
Magnus: You need a new quote book Phil. It’s a hard pill to swallow if you’re a Pillar of Xtreme, but these five just made examples out of them.
Phillips: Isn’t there four-
“Point of No Return” by Immortal Technique rips over the sound system of the GUNS arena and the audience look on. Donzig and team are regrouped with some assistance from El Rey and Jason Long. Adkins has Jesse’s neck wrapped withmultiple camera cables from under the ring, as he uses it as a noose and on choking the life out of the Murder Lizard. It’s when the beat drops and we hear it, that the crowd goes ballistic…
♬♬ This is the point of no return, I can never go back
From the crowd comes the loudest metal grinding noise ever heard. Like the red sea, the audience behind the announcer’s table area clear a walk way for “The Godfather of Hardcore” PRICE!
Magnus: Holy – is that a chainsaw!?!
Phillips: It is!
Magnus: Noooooooo!
The Messiah of Hardcore had gone the way of the crowd, but there was no sneaking up on anyone with a running chainsaw. PRICE reaches the ringside area, staring on at El Rey, Jason Long, Esmeralda von Krauss, and Donzig. The Pillars of Xtreme were all on the outside of the ring, either down or working on their way to get up. PRICE takes to the announcers table, where he stares on at the group of attackers trying to make a statement.
Donzig gestures for Jason Long and El Rey to go to the right side, while Esmeralda and himself went left. PRICE smiled big and with a flick of his hand the chainsaw started to spark. All four of them stop dead, before hightailing it backwards when the chainsaw became a flame thrower! Six or seven foot flames bursting from the front end of the chainsaw
Phillips: I’m outta here! (Panic leaves)
Magnus: No chance I am seeing anything from our Insurance company after this. Just great!
It’s here where PRICE begins to sway the flame high in the air, well over the ring, and hits the trigger on the handgrip. XHF’s Hardcore Diety was proving his name in every creves of it’s existence.
Donzig turns around mid-ramp and with microphone in hand, finds himself pausing.
Donzig: In with the new, out with the old. As with Jurassic World, one cannot exist while the other is still alive. You are the dinosaue, the Scourge, is that one who ends your misery.
Dylan Black: Wait… (Audible groan of pain in the mic) UuuugGHRR!
Climbing up from the side of the ring, Dylan has a microphone in hand. Obviously hurting like all hell from the unsanctioned brawl that went down.
Dylan Black: You all.. (groan) take directions from this ? Who in their right minds would do that?
Donzig: Jealous much?
Dylan: No, just curious if I could help.
While flames are no longer sucking the oxygen out of the arena, Price had it draped over his shoulder like he was carrying a bazooka.
Price: How I see it... you got four... well five, or four and a half, who's really counting.
Looks around as the Pillars of Xtreme join Price and Dylan who is now in the ring.
Price: Let's settle this at...
Dylan grabs the mic and says it for him.
Dylan: OH VIOLENT NIGHT, the Sequel, you got 4 on 4, in uhhhhh--- WAR GAMES MATCH!
Holding the abs and southern parts, the Daemon of Mayhem knew the ask. The Scourge brings the microphone to his chin as he crosses his arms. The beard playing a trivial part here as groomed it with his hand, weighing his options.
Donzig: It's your funerals. When its all done, just remember you asked for it to be this way. You asked for annihilation from the New Era of Xtreme!
MEANWHILE, IN THE BACK…
…The camera finds Blaze Freya looking around the corridors until she finds the door she was looking for, pauses a moment, AND THEN KICKS THE DOOR OPEN and walks in. As it slams behind her we see the door reads “Men’s Locker Room.”
A quick SMASH CUT to inside reveals her walking into the men’s locker room only to find one Nelly Angel sitting down, who shrieks and quickly moves to cover his nipples. We can only see his upper body as he cups his chest buttons while looking up in shock at Freya.
Nelly: WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN HERE!?
She looks him up and down.
Blaze: Nothing I haven’t already seen, literally.
The camera finally gives us a full view of the XHF Junior Heavyweight Champion; he’s in full wrestling gear already. Why he’s covering his nipples is beyond us.
Blaze: Why are you even geared up? You don’t have a match tonight.
Nelly: Oh, well just in case something comes up I am ready to wrestle. Also, if I’m dressed like this it’s less likely that Magnus will try to force me to interview somebody. Now let me ask you a question, WHY ARE YOU IN THE MEN’S LOCKER ROOM!?
She rolls her eyes as Nelly continues and perhaps more strongly protects his nipples from her sight.
Blaze: Well I had to find you somewhere, duh.
Nelly: Why!?
Blaze: Because I beat you, duh.
Angel still seems confused. Freya points to the Junior Heavyweight Championship next to him.
Blaze: While you were champion, I pinned you, yes?
Nelly: Yes.
Blaze: Therefore I should have a shot at the championship.
Nelly: That’s not really how that works here.
Blaze: I see.
She tongues the inside of her mouth thinking, but eventually shrugs.
Blaze: Alright then. Anyway you want a rematch?
Nelly: Yeah, I guess we can face off again at the July 9th show.
Blaze: Cool.
She spins on her heel and starts to leave but Nelly looks at the title and then holds up one of his arms to her.
Nelly: You…you know. July 9th is the XHF’s birthday, and traditionally we’d defend every title on that show. Obviously that’s no longer the case, but since it is the Birthday Show, and since you did beat me…you got it: Nelly Angel vs. Blaze Freya for the XHF Junior Heavyweight Championship.
Freya smiles, gives Nelly one more look up and down, and then winks at him and leaves.
Nelly: AND CLOSE THE DOOR ON YOUR WAY OU-
The door slams, and finally Nelly lowers his other arm that was protecting his exposed upper body. We cut back to the arena where we’re ready for the next match up.
When we return to ringside, the audience are in a vile mood. The cause of their animosity is the GUNS commissioner, who currently stands in the centre of the ring.
Zoran Sainovic: I was recently reminded zat my particular brand of wrestling is not appropriate for all age groups. One incensed parent took ze time to point zis out to me. Apparently his little girl has had nightmares for ze past two months. Troubled zat I had caused our younger viewers anxiety, and touched by this paternal defense – I decided to invite ze offended parties to join us for zis Father’s Day special. What better way to show our impressionable fans, zat while we are violent, zere is nothing to be worried about when watching trained professionals.
The Final Boss extends an arm towards the front row of the audience.
Zoran Sainovic: Please welcome my guests at zis time Phil Cameron – and HIS daughter, Lauren Matthews!
Not expecting to be on camera, Phil and Lauren look uncomfortable. Security unhook the guardrail to allow them passage at ringside.
Zoran Sainovic: Don’t be shy; we’re all friends here-
Memories of the sinister old man gutting Steve, cause Lauren to shiver – she stops dead in her tracks.
Phil: There’s nothing to worry about, Lauren. It’s just make believe.
Zoran Sainovic: Shy? Why she’s adorable. Phil – why don’t you come in here to show her it’s safe.
Trying to reassure Lauren, Phil enters the ring.
Zoran Sainovic: Zat’s ze spirit! Give him a hand, folks! You seem far more deserving of an X*Crown shot zan Steve Awesome – so let’s show put on a match ze whole family can enjoy.
Phil: I’m not a wrestler-
Zoran Sainovic: Neither is Steve! Much like with Mandi, I’m sure you’ll do a much better job FILLING ze slot.
Phil: I’m really not comfortab-
Zoran Sainovic answers these concerns with a headbutt – breaking Phil’s nose.
Magnus: He did it. Zoran is actually defending against the new husband of Steve Awesome’s EX-WIFE.
Phillips: In fairness, he has TWO defences against Bloodied Fox this month – so it isn’t like he’s taking it easy.
Magnus: Yeah, but after how he screwed over Rat Bastard – I’m worried he’ll make Phil Cameron an X*Crown champion just to spite Steve, and then immediately win it back to become a three time champion. Mongo will cancel us!
Lauren looks on in horror as Sainovic kicks the ever-loving-shit out of Phil. As the guardrail gets closed up where the duo was let in from the audience, one last member sneaks into ringside. He kind of looks like Shitstorm star Steve Awesome, only he has a large – possibly plastic - nose.
Phillips: That guy by the timekeeper’s table is the spitting image of Pepe Morales.
Magnus: Phil desperately trying to turn his back on Lauren to not upset her further, but Zoran angling his shots make that nose bleed out in her direction. I’d call him a sick fuck, but I don’t want him defending against me.
Clearly there to protect Lauren, the obviously disguised Steve Awesome can’t help but smile watching Phil get clobbered. The audience might find it revolting, but the shit-eating smile on Steve’s face suggests he’s starting to appreciate Zoran’s work.
Phillips: I don’t know where he is – probably celebrating Rat Bastard’s Grand Slam at Magic City – but it seems like Steve would be the ONLY person to enjoy this massacre.
Magnus: At the same time, he is living Steve’s dream right now.
Phillips: That is next level evil.
A knee strike breaks Phil’s nose in a new place. Fortunately, smelling salts still work – so Phil can feel the punches digging in. Incognito Steve knows that he should really step in, but this is too good.
Magnus: Phil trying to tap out-
AAAAAAAAAH
Magnus: -so Zoran breaks his wrist. Snaps the other one just to make sure this doesn’t end prematurely.
Phillips: I get why Steve doesn’t like him, but don’t forget, he just came here to try to help a child overcome her fears. It was stupid, but basically nice.
Magnus: Well, I’m sure that everyone who has become familiar with Steve over the years is just happy that Mandi finally found a decent guy. Even if this match turns that guy into a vegetable.
Grabbing Phil’s broken nose – Sainovic starts twisting it, so that a stream of blood spurts out in Lauren’s direction. The canvas is crimson, and Phil looks dead, but Sainovic shows no signs of finishing any time soon.
“DADDY!”
Has Lauren finally seen through Steve’s cunning disguise?
“LEAVE MY DADDY ALONE!”
Braving the scary ring, Lauren throws her arms around Phil’s neck. As she sobs for her Dad, Zoran lets go of the nose – letting Phil slump to the ground.
Perhaps he waited a minute too long to intercede? Looking gut punched, Steve falls to his knees.
Shoving Lauren off his victim, Zoran finally covers Phil – shooting the disguised Steve a knowing smile. Seeing the beast touch his daughter, Awesome explodes.
ONE!
TWO!
THREE!
DING! DING! DING!
Magnus: The winner of this match and to the surprise of everyone STILL X*Crown champion- Zor- WHOA!
Hitting the ring, Steve Awesome rocks Zoran with a vicious right.
The two start to brawl around the ring, while Lauren continues to cry into the bloody stump that is her new stepfather. There fighting is further upsetting her, while her cries seem to fire Steve up.
Phillips: Steve Awesome snuck back into the arena, and sticking it to our commissioner for further traumatizing his daughter!
Magnus: How long has he been there?
Phillips: Wild brawl sees both men fall out to the floor – but even that doesn’t stop them.
Security start to move in – but the hated rivals brawl into the audience. The fans crowd around the gory exchange, only to start fleeing as the two start going at each other with chairs.
#THWACK#
#THWACK#
#THWACK#
#THWACK#
Magnus: Zoran and Steve swinging wild chairs shots – intensely working each other over!
Phillips: They aren’t blocking at all! The only chairshots that aren’t hitting are the ones that audience members accidentally run into-
The brawl goes up the stairs into the second level. The security that follow have a hard time keeping up with the frenzied crowd running away – so that the two are left trading shots on a balcony.
Magnus: MASSIVE CHAIRSHOT TO THE GUT ALMOST SENDS ZORAN OVER THE SIDE!
Phillips: Awesome following up – but Sainovic sidesteps, leaving only railing. A chairshot to the shoulder staggers Awesome.
Magnus: Duelling chairs continue on the edge-
#THWACK#
#THWACK#
#THWACK#
#THWACK#
#THWACK#
#THWACK#
#THWACK#
#THWACK#
#THWACK#
#THWACK#
#THWACK#
#THWACK#
Finally a big shot – and equal deflection – is forceful enough to knock the chairs out of their hands.
Heavily bleeding, and quite bruised – the duo slump against the railing, teasing a nasty fall,. After a few beats, Sainovic produces a microphone from his breast pocket.
Zoran Sainovic: So you’re brave enough to face me without your fraternity-
Steve responds by spitting blood at Sainovic’s shoe.
Zoran Sainovic: Do you want your X*Crown shot at Night of Champions with Kane, Kanyon, EC, and Velez protecting your ass – or you MAN enough to take it one on one? OVERHEATED! We have had WHITE HEAT long enough... we are OVERHEATED! Forget ze qualifier – you and me, ONE ON ONE for ze X*Crown. Without ze numbers, you don’t have a prayer!
Steve flashes a blood soaked smirk.
Steve Awesome: You want it At Overheated!? You Got it at Overheated. There is nothing I want more than the chance to kick your ass. I’ve already sacrificed a lot of blood, what’s an entire overheated tournament spot? Fine. IF you are still the champion I’ll put it all on the line just for the simple sake of making you bleed like I did.
Steve wipes his mouth and forehead and holds up a bloody index finger.
Steve Awesome: But if Bloodied Fox manages to punk your ass out and take your title then I don’t want any tricks! No bullshit! No hiding behind loopholes or twisting of words. It’s still you and me at Overheated!
Zoran Sainovic: FINE! And on ze off chance Fox takes ze belt off me first, well I’ll be ze GUNS representative for Overheated anyway. So if you’re so obsessed with keeping me from Night of Champions, well, I’ll just have to return ze favour. ...Just remember Steve, you brought zis on yourself.
Steve Awesome: Well isn’t that just perfect. If you somehow lose the title then I’ll just make sure I eliminate YOU from the tournament itself!
He smirked as he glared.
Steve Awesome: I may or may not have brought this on myself….but Big Boss Z, you can sure as hell bet that I’m going to end it!
Steve does a crotch chop.
Zoran Sainovic: ...Zen I guess ze only zing left to say- see you in ze ER.
The two men charge at each other- Awesome goes for a superkick, but Zoran ducks under the leg – turning it into a backdrop that sends Awesome over the railing – fortunately Steve grabs Zoran’s tie to take him for the ride.
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
Awesome and Sainovic both tumble headfirst thirty feet, not quite bouncing as they hit the concrete HARD.
Magnus: MY GOD! THEIR BODIES ARE JUST BROKEN!
Phillips: What a drop! Jesus. Let’s get some paramedics out here!
Magnus: Steve and Zoran in a bad way-
Phillips: And the date is set – but what kind of shape are they going to be in?
Magnus: Zoran worried about defending against multiple BANG Bros goads Steve into a one on one encounter. That's one way to get around Call to Arms! Title or not, their long awaited Hegemony rematch is going down at Overheated!
Phillips: Where they will finally kill each other, again!
Magnus: Fans – we are out of time! We’ll see you all July 9th for the Birthday Bash!
The final shot sees Awesome and Sainovic bleeding out on the floor, not moving.
Magnus: We have a huge show for you tonight.
Phillips: So big we’ve already got competitors in the ring ready to go!
Tag Team Matchup
Chaos Theory vs 0.2
In the ring 0.2 and Chaos Theory are there and ready and, the ref calls for the bell but PRICE who's the legal man ignores it while he's chatting it up with his partner Spike Kane.
PRICE: Why the fuck are we here again!?
Spike: I told you, we need points to be able to challenge for the XHF Tag Titles.
PRICE: Naw I gets that, why are we HERE. Like we got our points after our IPW match.
Spike: Because JFK said we had to be.
PRICE: Naw he said YOU have to be, I wasn't dumb enough to sign no contract.
Spike: Yet, here you are.
Chad: HEY, WE GOT A MATCH GOING ON HERE, HUH! YOU WANNA TASTE OR WHAT!?
He walks closer to PRICE who quickly turns and responds with a left-handed spinning back fist knocking Chad on his ass. PRICE goes to pick him up by his hair but continues his conversation.
PRICE: I mean I'm getting paid either way this just seems like a waste of time ya know?
Evenflow DDT
Spike: Waste of time? You've been retired for over ten years you need all the reps you can get
PRICE picks up and then shoves the Chad towards his corner whos partner tags himself in, PRICE tags Spike in.
PRICE: Reps shmephs this shit is like riding a bike you never forget.
Brad charges in and Spike reverses it and whips him towards the ropes, and they hit a pop up powerbomb/back stabber combo.
PRICE: See like a well oiled machine! Side's it's fathers day we should be spending time with our kids.
Spike: Our kids either hate us or are dead.
PRICE:....oh right.
Spike goes for the cover, one, two, three.
Winners: CHAOS THEORY!
The two get their arms raised and continue to bicker about whatever as they head back to the locker room area.
Magnus: Well that was a match.
Phillips: I'm so fucking hard right now.
After that match we cut to a new segment from the GUNS favorite son El Rey across the pond. The young former X*Crown Champion sits alone in his flat and produces his phone and jabs at the screen a couple times and we hear it ring and then go to voicemail.
“Hey, you’ve reached [censored shoot name] but I’m busy right now. Leave a message and maybe I’ll ring you back.”
El Rey let’s out a sigh and after the beep begins to speak.
El Rey: Hey dad. I know you don’t really want to speak to me right now, but I just wanted to call and say happy Father’s Day. It’s been weird not being home, but I hope I’m making you proud. I’ve got a match tonight and I hope you’re watching. I’m sure you won’t because you’re all pretty upset with me, but I promise I’ll make it up to you. Once I do, I’ll be back. Love you dad.
El Rey jabs to hang up the phone and drops it on his lap. He slumps in his chair and we cut away back to the arena.
Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, this first match of the evening is the “No Low Blows Allowed” match! If the Borgs win this match, they will get a GUNS Tag Team Title shot against Off the Wagon! First, coming down the aisle…
New Deal’s music hits and Ryan and Chris Velez both emerge from the entryway, posing and smiling.
Announcer: Ryan and Christopher Velez, the New Deal!
Magnus: These guys seem to have an extra spring in their step now that family member Charlie Velez has returned to the ring.
Phillips: Yeah, let’s see if these apples don’t fall far from the tree.
Announcer: And their opponents…
"Am I Evil" by Metallica hits the speakers and the stage fills with mist. Strobe lights go on all throughout the arena. Evil-Borg and Heavymetal-Borg come out together and Heavymetal-Borg is air guitaring to the music. They make their way to the ring throwing up the devil horns and threatening fans. They climb into the ring and Heavymetal head bangs as Evil Borg threatens the audience.
Announcer: The Borgs!
Phillips: One step away from the Borgs getting the title shot they feel they rightly deserve.
Magnus: They never lost the belts after all. They were just presumed dead.
Phillips: That seems to happen a lot here.
The Borgs and New Deal are in their respective corners when suddenly…
The lights drop down so that only the entranceway and the ring are illuminated as a deep, throaty, laugh not unlike that of Lemmy of Motorhead gargles over the PA system. However, just as soon as it started it is replaced by the treble-busting vocals of Freddy Mercury of Queen dropping a red hot ballad on y’all. Specifically, “Play the Game” by Queen. As the song persists, “The Mental Killer” Kris “Triple Quake” Quake and “The Corn Snake” Randy Angel- better known as Off the Wagon- walk out. Well, walk is being generous, Randy is stumbling drunk- still drinking from a flask- and Quake’s walk is more of a waddle since he appears to be trying to flex all several of his muscles at the same time. They walk over to the announce table and grab headsets.
Phillips: What a pleasant surprise.
Randy: Welcome to Call to Arms! We’ve got a bunch of amazing tag matches on deck!
Magnus: Randy, that happened already.
Quake: Ignore him, we are here to scout the possible opposition Tom.
Tag Team Match
If the Borgs win they get a GUNS Tag Team Championship Match at the XHF Birthday Show
No Low Blows Allowed
The Borgs vs the New Deal
The Borgs are distracted looking up at Off the Wagon as New Deal attacks them from behind. They beat them down to the mat and then high five. Ryan picks Heavy up off the mat and twists his arm, then Chris hits an elbow to the arm. The referee tries to get one of them to leave the ring. Quake grabs a mic at the desk.
: What are you doing ref? This is a No Low Blows Allowed match! That’s it. Everything else is legal! That means no tags needed baby!
Phillips: Hey! Where was that in the production sheet?
Quake: We made the match, we know the rules.
Randy: Team Boss Rush really putting on a clinic here!
Magnus: Are you mixing things into his drinks? This is really sad and scary.
Ryan and Charlie pull Evil up off the mat and hit a double suplex. They then look back at Heavy who pulled himself up into a corner and Ryan charges with a splash, but Heavy moves! Ryan bounces off the turnbuckle holding his chest as Heavy charges at Chris and hits a clothesline! Heavy then goes back to Ryan and hits an atomic drop!
: Ref ref ref! Call for the bell! Call it!
The ref shakes his head no.
Phillips: An atomic drop is a perfectly legal move.
Quake: That’s some bullshit.
Magnus: No, it’s butt hurtin’.
Randy: The Guardians are hurting here, let’s see if they can get back in it!
Evil Borg gets up to his knees behind Chris who is back on his feet. He instinctively starts to go for a low blow from behind, but stops himself halfway up, shaking his fist with restraint. Chris sees the hand and grabs it. He then spins around and locks in an arm bar. Evil quickly squirms to the ropes.
: No rope breaks! The only rule is “No Low Blows.”
Evil squirms and starts to exit the ring in order to get out of the hold. Heavy traps Ryan’s arms and starts headbutting him with the Headbanger’s Ball! He lets go and Ryan staggers back into the ropes. Heavy whips him away, but Ryan reverses it sending Heavy into the ropes. Heavy runs back into a picture perfect dropkick! Evil-Borg uses the leverage from the apron to pull out of the hold. The force sends him back into the crowd! Chris slides out of the ring to follow, when “BAM!” Evil Borg clocks him with a steel chair!
: Ref! Disqualify that bastard!
Evil grabs a mic from the ring announcer.
: No way you no good ninny! You just said, “the only rule is ‘No Low Blows.’” Mua ha ha ha!
Phillips: He’s got you there.
Quake: Shut up Tom.
Magnus: I mean, you walked right into that one.
Randy: Rat Bastard is carrying Team Reign to victory!
Evil Borg stalks Chris Velez as he starts to get on all fours. His face is a crimson mask. Evil smacks him across the back with the chair! In the ring, Ryan Velez is on top of Heavy Metal, raining fists down on his head. He then sees Evil Borg entering the ring with a chair and gets up and grabs the chair. He and Evil are in a tug of war! Ryan yanks the chair away right into a roll up from Heavy! 1, 2, kickout! Quake nearly has a heart attack at the desk as Ryan kicks out. Evil and Heavy double team Ryan with stomps and punches, respectively, as Chris slowly climbs up onto the apron. Heavy stands up and pulls Ryan up with him. Heavy puts Ryan between his legs, then lifts him for a powerbomb as Evil stands next to him helping lift Ryan. He holds on to help slam Ryan down when Ryan hits an elbow to Evil’s head! He then starts punching Heavy. Chris climbs to the top rope as Ryan then hits Heavy with a huricanrana! Ryan then gets up and hits Evil with an uppercut that sends him into the ropes! Chris falls, crotching himself on the top turnbuckle.
: Okay ref, c’mon! Disqualify him for that!
The ref gives Quake a stern look and shakes his head again.
Quake: This ref has it out for us, I swear.
Randy: Adrien with a Shining Wizard on Tuna Meltzer!
Magnus: Oh hey, I think that actually happened on CTA.
Phillips: With no rules, this is pure anarchy. I’m surprised you’re not down there too.
Quake: …
Quake quickly takes off his headset and runs down to the ring. He then lifts the ring skirt looking for something. Heavy charges at Ryan Velez with a clothesline, but Ryan ducks. Heavy almost runs into Evil, but stops short. Quake slides in the ring holding beer bottles, and breaks one over Evil’s head! He goes down. Quake then holds up the other, pointing it at Heavy Metal-Borg. Heavy backs up right into Ryan, who grabs his arms. Quake rears back, and swings the bottle, but Heavy drops down and the bottle smashes over Ryan’s head! Quake is shocked! While distracted with hitting the wrong man, Heavy hits him with a low blow!
Magnus: Oh no, a low blow!
Phillips: But on Quake, who isn’t in the match! It doesn’t count!
Randy: The Icons are looking in trouble now!
Heavy quickly dives onto Ryan. 1, 2, 3!
Announcer: You’re winners and earning a title shot against Off the Wagon, The Borgs!
Phillips: The Borgs have done it! They get a title shot!
Randy: The BANG! Bros have done it! They’ve won CTA again!
Magnus: You really really need help Randy.
Heavy Metal helps his partner Evil out of the ring and holds him up. They raise their arms in victory as a hunched over Quake looks on in anger.
We cut to black and, we open to the screen of an Android cell phone, no active cell reception, with the WIFI connection “Secret Shack” open and a blank entry for the password. Letters begin to fill the Password input…
Mueller2022
“INCORRECT PASSWORD, TRY AGAIN”
JamesMueller2022
“INCORRECT PASSWORD, TRY AGAIN"
JMueller2022
“INCORRECT PASSWORD, TRY AGAIN”
“FUCK!”
The cell phone is tossed, thrown through a dimly lit log cabin with limited light shone through ice fogged single pane windows that rattle with the winds of winter. The cell lands firmly but successfully intact on a single folded up red flannel blanket in the middle of a 3-seat leather couch. Next to the couch is a small table with a framed portrait of Reeshi, XHF Legend, proudly displayed. In the middle of the cabin, a figure stands there with their hands on their hips, before finally walking after the cell phone. A loud knocking pattern on the front door stops him in his tracks before he gets there.
Standing outside the door is BEEF, with the car still running and the trunk open. He rubs his hands and creates a pocket with them for him to exhale into to try and warm them up. The door opens, BEEF picks up a cardboard box from his feet, and then looks ahead at the occupant.
BEEF: Mueller.
James Mueller: BEEF.
They both smile… Well ok, only Mueller smiles. BEEF looks… content. He stands there in front of Mueller with the box in his hands, and he hands it over to Mueller. James takes the box as his smile begins to fade. Mueller sighs.
James: It’s good to see you, BEEF.
BEEF: I see you’re still alive.
James: Why, of course… Is my life threatened?
BEEF: No, I mean… No more than the usual. But last time I saw you, you didn’t exactly seem… Healthy.
We flashback to BEEF approaching the same cabin, this time at night. He opens a small cut-out door and looks inside to see Mueller sitting at a table, eating a can of peaches. Mueller looks over at BEEF… Before slowly eating another peach slice.
Mueller: Oh… that? You ever heard of cabin fever, BEEF?
BEEF: Terrible movie.
Mueller: I haven’t felt another human’s skin in months…
Mueller stands there looking at BEEF in the eyes.. He inches closer and opens his shoulders a bit, still holding the box, but physically suggesting he could use a hug.
BEEF: Uh, I really should be going.
Mueller: Wait wait wait, c’mon man… Tell me about the outside world. What have I missed, is Mongo still alive?
BEEF: Yes.
Mueller: Fuck!
BEEF: I need to go, we got an event coming up soon.
Mueller: Who are you working for now?
BEEF: GUNS. Magnus is carrying the show now.
Mueller’s eyes widen and he drops the box to his feet, which tips over and out rolls about half a dozen cans of peaches, along with some other food items and a bottle of lotion.
Mueller: I remember… I remember when Magnus and I were in No Warning Shot… We used to drive Mongo absolutely crazy, along with [REDACTED] and MGK. You know Magnus once threw a full sized claymore sword into [REDACTED]’s sternum during a match on live TV?
BEEF: … I really need to go.
Mueller: One more thing, BEEF, before you leave… I can’t figure out the WIFI password. All there is to watch around here is the WWF Brawl for All tournament on VHS. The note on the fridge just says “The GOAT Wrestler + 2022”.
BEEF: Oh, yeah, it’s Reeshi2022.
Mueller: …That’s stupid as fu-
Cut forward to BEEF driving off of the property, which James picking up the cans of peaches and putting them back into the cardboard box. He takes a last look at BEEF’s car disappearing over the hill and James steps back inside with his box, shutting the door behind him. Inside, James sets the box on the table and walks to the couch to grab his phone. He immediately opens up the WIFI settings, inputs “Reeshi2022”, and it successfully connects.
Mueller: …Wait… Who was here before me?
James quickly shakes his head and instead focuses his attention back on the phone. We start to cut forward in time as James slowly acquaints himself with the recent past that he’s missed, but first thing’s first…
“Oh thank fuck, P-Hub still exists.”
Mueller can be seen, uh, pleasuring himself, but we see him from behind and nothing explicitly shown, however.
“Insurrection on January 6th… Glad to see WWE brought that PPV back”
“Suez Canal blocked by a giant ship.. Probably had Mongo behind the wheel of that one too.”
“12-store condominium collapses in Florida… Was probably built by the XHF itself.”
Mueller can be seen pleasuring himself again.
“Texas abortion ban… It’s too late to abort Mongo at this point so who gives a shit.”
“What’s this… ‘Throwback to GUNS winning the XHF Tag Titles’ …”
Mueller is pleasuring himself once again.
“Season 3… Oh man, the Borgs were weird as fuck… More than normal. And why’d they stick these in the post-credits? Nobody sticks around for the post-credits… But still… I miss those guys.”
Mueller puts the phone down… He looks forward into the mirror ahead of him… His hair has turned a little grayer. His face droops a little lower. The bags under the eyes have swollen just a smidge. He asks himself…
“What are you running from?”
James walks away and sits on the couch. He leans forward and puts on his shoes. He grabs his jacket off the arm of the couch, stands up and puts it on. He straightens out his jacket before walking back towards the other side of the cabin. James snatches his keys off the table, grabs a can of peaches from the cardboard box, and exits the Cabin.
A car door opens. A car door shuts. A car engine starts.
The door opens into Magnus’ office, but no sooner does a figure enter, than the large hand of the XHF Shockmaster slams it shut. The trap is sprung. A captive audience for the monster in the feathered costume, currently leaning back in the leather chair – webbed feet leaving print on the wall as it pushes back for more traction.
XHF Shockmaster: Whoops.
Dirty Byrd (back turned to his guest): Pretty stacked show tonight – seems like a real waste to give the people a rematch between me, and Fury. Why not save that for a bigger venue. Surely there is someone else you could have me defend aga-
Pivoting in the leather chair, Dirty Byrd spins it around to address Magnus face to face. Only instead of the XHF Owner, Byrd is greeted by the stern expression of a man who is slightly harder to intimidate.
Dirty Byrd: ...damn.
The Final Boss crosses the room towards the desk, with Byrd losing feathers in a race to vacate the chair.
Zoran Sainovic: Evening Byrd. Since I’m essentially running ze show at zis point, it made more sense for me to have ze large office. He was having a hard time being effective with all ze intruders, and bear traps. If you have business with Magnus, I believe he’s relocated his fax machine to his car.
Dirty Byrd: Thanks, we’ll get out of your hair-
The XHF Originals are quick to leave, but before they can reach the door-
Zoran Sainovic: But if it’s about tonight’s line-up – your opponent – concerns should really be directed to me.
The BEAR escapees stop dead in their tracks. Damn.
Dirty Byrd: Well boss, have you seen this house? Why waste a draw like my Fury defense on these pitiful rubes. Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy to kill Fury any time, but there is no money in doing it tonight. Slow burn it. Let me defend against someone else – I hear Wombat has a son. Or Pilgrim. He hasn’t eaten in months...
Zoran Sainovic: Your in luck, Bryd – Fury hasn’t been cleared to wrestle by ze State Athletic Commission, so zat wouldn’t have been in ze cards anyway.
Byrd breathes a sigh of relief.
Dirty Byrd: In that case, we’ll just hit the road-
Zoran Sainovic: Since UrsusLA covered your monthly defense quotas, I had planned to give you ze night off-
Dirty Byrd: Very kind of you-
The XHF Originals continue to backpeddle.
Zoran Sainovic: But since you want to defend it SO badly – I’m sure I can find a suitable opponent.
Dirty Byrd: Don’t go out of your way-
Zoran Sainovic: Oh I insist. Let’s see – I had arranged for an XHF legend to take me on for ze X*Crown tonight, but you do raise a valid point about ze venue not be worthy… so I suppose I can let you have him instead.
The XHF Gobbledygooker swallows HARD.
Dirty Byrd: I really don’t want-
Zoran Sainovic: I had a secondary plan I can always use for ze crown. So you’re welcome to him. But Byrd – zis legend just became an OVERHEATED representative – so let’s make sure he’s not 100% going into ZAT event.
Dirty Byrd: I... understand.
XHF Shockmaster starts to close the door behind them-
Zoran Sainovic: And knock next time.
No sooner does the door close than a stream of unbelievably foul language is unleashed in the hallway. The Final Boss smiles.
When we return to the announce position, Magnus and Tom have been joined by a competent professional. Unfortunately this third person’s appearance has drawn all manner of disgusting garbage to be thrown by the audience. Fortunately, it’s mostly hitting Magnus and Tom. We cut back to the booth just as Tom takes a rancid tomato to the eye. It splatters on impact; otherwise Phillips would probably take it home for sex purposes.
Magnus: Fans, we’ve been joined by the commissioner. What are you doing here, Zoran?
Sainovic: We actually have wrestlers in zis next contest, so it seemed only fitting zat one member of ze announce booth knew ze names of holds.
Phillips: That’s fair.
Magnus: Damn it, Tom! We don’t admit that! This is for the Phoenix championship?
Sainovic: It is indeed.
Magnus: And you’d originally suckered the participant into coming here for an X*Crown shot, only to bait and switch it for Byrd?
Sainovic: I’m all about spreading ze wealth.
Magnus: So who is it?
Sainovic: Just read ze cue cards.
Magnus stands, to denote his role changing from play by play to ring announcer. We really need to hire another guy. Erik Estrada?! That would be fantastic. Sadly, we’re still stuck with Magnus.
Magnus: Ladies and gentlemen, the following contest is scheduled for one fall, and is for the XHF Phoenix Championship!!!!
Crowd: WE HAVE AS MANY BELTS AS FIRESIDE BUT WE ACTUALLY HAVE THE TALENT TO WARRANT THEM, POP!
#Hey, it's the man#
#Yeah, let's see what's going on#
#Hey, hey#
“Trust” By Prince starts to pump over the PA system.
Magnus: ENTERING FIRST – THE CHAMPION – standing at 5’9” and weighing in at 259lbs, he hails from INSIDE A BEAR –
THE XHF GOBBLEDYGOOKER!!!!
Dirty Byrd pushes out of the backstage area wearing a pink-feathered boa over his already incredibly tacky plumage. Webbed feet in spiked leather boots, black latex overalls keeping him from quite reaching Disney levels of anthropomorphic animal nudity – and the rest of him remains a giant turkey. Byrd’s goofy eyes are covered by neon green goggles, while the filthy feathers on his head have been slicked back into some bewildering miscalculation of style.
#Trust - who do ya?#
#Trust - what makes you a real lover?#
#Trust - I put this question to ya 'cause I want you to be with meeeeee#
Obscenely high energy, Byrd charges out to the edge of the entranceway and throws his wings up in the air – signalling a stream of orange pyro. The explosions light up the dozen shiny objects that the bizarre creature has woven into his wingspan – some glow sticks, but an obscene amount of razors.
#Love - you cannot imagine#
#How much I wanna give to you#
#Hot - I get so excited#
#Just thinkin' about all we could do#
#Dig it now#
As Byrd saunters down the aisle, his entourage follows him out of the back - XHF Shockmaster, XHF Starship Coyote, XHF Diamond Studd, and XHF Fake Razor. Byrd happily slaps hands and kisses babies, despite the audience trying to get away from known plague carrier.
#Another world awaits us#
#Another power to see#
#Close - don't worry about nobody else#
#From now on you'll be here with me#
Entering the ring, Byrd poses with the Phoenix for a minute – before finally handing it to Blind Stubbs.
Phillips: The champion coming out with a lot of support...
Sainovic: Given ze height and weight difference on his opponent, he’s going to need every advantage he can get-
Phillips: You still haven’t clued us in to who the challenger is… and… are those guys’ triplets?
Magnus: AND HIS OPPONENT-
A complete blackout accompanies the opening lyrics of Drowning Pools Tear Away
Crowd: MONSTER POP BECAUSE THEY REALLY WERE EXPECTING WOMBAT JUNIOR AND NOT A SERIOUS CONTENDER OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
#I'm tearing away#
#Pieces are falling,#
#I can't seem to make them stay#
#You run away#
#Faster and faster,#
#You can't seem to get away#
#Break#
Magnus: Standing at 6’5”, and weighing in at 285lbs – he comes to us from Fabulous, Las Vegas, Nevada – give a warm GUNS welcome to-
R A T
B A S T A R D ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
A bright flashing of white lights, and then red strobe lights accompany the music as Rat Bastard steps out into the entrance.
#Hope there's a reason#
#For questions unanswered#
#I just don't see everything#
#Yes, I'm inside you#
#Tell me how does it feel#
#To feel like this#
#Just like I do#
Rat begins to walk down the entranceway, giving fans as Ringside the spooky fingers and talking smack as he does.
#I don't care about anyone else but me#
#I don't care about anyone#
#I don't care about anyone else but me#
#I don't care about anyone#
Rat climbs the ring steps, and steps into the squared circle. Looking out at the crowd he smirks, soaking in all the hate from the crowd.
Phillips: Byrd doesn’t care for this surprise challenger at all.
Magnus: Who could blame him? Love him or probably hate him, Rat is one of the most accomplished wrestler’s in this company – in trying to avoid getting his cummupence from Fury, Byrd has literally gone from the frying pan to the fire.
XHF PHOENIX CHAMPIONSHIP
DIRTY BYRD (c) VS. RAT BASTARD
DING! DING! DING!
Magnus: There’s the bell- and both competitors offering a friendly handshake at the start.
Phillips: Don’t trust him, Byr-
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
Magnus: Handshake is broken by both men kicking each other in the crotch!
Phillips: Seemed to have the same idea. That is going to leave a mark.
Magnus: You are the expert on marked up crotches, Tom.
Phillips: Both men seem to have walked off the pain, and nodding in understanding – seeming to respect the move, they come together for another handshake.
Sainovic: A real meeting of ze minds.
Phillips: Don’t trust him, Ra-
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
#SMACK#
Magnus: Second handshake is again broken by a double kick to the crotch!
Phillips: Whoa! You could hear those hits from here. Rat and Byrd are going to be pissing blood for a week!
Magnus: Having had the same idea, it’s hard for them not to congratulate themselves. So third times a charm on the mutual respect handshake front-
Phillips: Don’t trust them, Magn-
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
Magnus: This time Byrd goes for an eye gouge, which blinds Bastard a half second after he buries a boot in the Gobbledygooker’s neither regions!
Holding his testicles in agony, Byrd seems pleased that his eye gouge has broken the handshake deadlock – at least until Bastard takes his head off with a closeline. Rubbing his sore eyes, Rat stomps a hole in the champion. An arrogant standing pin gets a 1 count, then another 1 count, then Rat stomps on Byrd’s throat, using the ropes to choke him for 1 – 2 – 3 – 4 – breaking it on a 5 count. Coughing in rage, Byrd uses the old fireball to the crotch to shift momentum. As Bastard recoils, Byrd pops up with a European uppercut, whips him hard into the corner and catches Rat coming out with a drumstick lariat. An Air Byrd - standing senton - sets up a fistful of tights for 2.
Magnus: So originally you were going to defend against Rat Bastard tonight?
Sainovic: It would have been a classic. Besides, it’s close to eighteen years since Rat last held ze crown. He’s long overdue. Certainly Rat has a better chance of becoming a zree-time champion zan Steve Awesome does.
Phillips: That would have been off the charts.
Byrd hits a legdrop for 1, then goes for a spinning elbow, only to have Bastard roll out of the way. Byrd tries to go for it again, only to eat a thrust kick to the head. Byrd slumps back into the ropes, then rebounds off with another drumstick lariat – only for Rat to turn it into a dragon screw legwhip. Pinning Byrd down with an elbow to the throat, Bastard lays in some kneedrops, working over the right leg. Grounding Byrd with a vicious headbutt, then hooking the legs – Bastard spikes Byrd’s head with a slingshot suplex. These gets 2 before Byrd gets a webbed foot on the ropes.
Magnus: So what made you give your opponent to Byrd?
Sainovic: It seems zat Rat Bastard is REIGN’s representative for Overheated. If he has his heart set on taking MY gold at Night of Champions, zere was no reason to give him ze opportunity earlier.
Phillips: Byrd using those blades in his wings to draw blood.
Sainovic: About time.
Magnus: So can we take it you’re supporting Byrd in this defence?
Sainovic: I took Fury out, it’s only fair zat Byrd does ze same to Rat. Like Strangers on a Train...
Magnus: You dislike Rat that much, just for signing up for Overheated?
Sainovic: Zanks to some CHEATING GHOSTS, I’m basically stuck facing ALL ZE BANG BROS BY MYSELF at Night of Champions. Steve Awesome would like nothing more zan for his frat buddies to GANG BANG me, probably the only way he can achieve sexual arousal in ze company of Zelda. My one hope is zat zeir ranks get thinned at Overheated. Now Rat here could quite easily take out a Spike Kane or Kanyon... but as another Awesome pal, what good does zat do me? So as much as I respect Rat, I hope Byrd hospitalizes him.
Byrd tries to whip his razor sharp wing into Rat’s face, only to be knocked back with a heavy forearm shot. A dick kick doubles Byrd over. Grabbing a fistful of greased feathers, Rat whips Byrd hard into the corner then charges in with a shouldertackle that nearly snaps him in half. Rat then charges in with a big boot, only to have Byrd duck under, leaving the larger man to crotch himself on the top rope. Firing off rapid-fire boots of his own, Byrd further busts Rat open with a face wash. Rat starts to block, so Byrd nails him with a wing to the throat. Hoping up, Byrd starts to go for a tornado DDT – only for Rat to turn it into a T-Bone Suplex! 1 – 2 – XHF Shockmaster puts Byrd’s foot on the ropes.
Phillips: Come on Stubbs, Rat had him!
Magnus: So Zoran, without Rat going after the Crown, who do you have lined up?
Sainovic: Oh, I recently received some fan correspondence zat really touched my heart – listen to zis voice mail: “Hello Mister Sainovic, this is Phil Cameron – you met me with my family at The Rumble. I understand you were just doing your job, but the event ended up traumatizing my step-daughter, and I’d really appreciate it if you could apology to Lauren – show her you’re a real person, and it’s just pretend. I’m sure Steve would ask you himself, but he is currently partying with his friends in Tunisia...” You get ze idea.
Magnus: WAIT, you’re defending against Steve Awesome’s EX – Mandi – her new husband?
Sainovic: Phil’s paternal instincts really spoke to me, what better opponent for a Father’s Day show?
Magnus: He’s not a trained wrestler-
Sainovic: Phil is clearly a better father zan Steve, so it stands to reason, he’d make a better X*Crown champion-
Phil: RAT GOING FOR THE BASTARD BOMB!
Just as Rat starts to set-up his powerbomb – XHF Fake Razor throws a toothpick at him. No stranger to toothpicks, Rat ducks under. Then XHF Starship Coyote and XHF Diamond Studd throw their toothpicks as well. But Rat catches them in the air and tosses them back – one hitting Studd in the forehead, while the other-
Phillips: AAAAH MY EYE!
Sainovic: It was just a toothpick, Tom. Man up!
Phillips: IS IT BLEEDING?
Magnus: You really need to toughen up if you’re going to survive in prison, Tom.
The distraction allows Byrd to backdrop out of the powerbomb, only Rat lands on his feet. A big boot to the midsection doubles Bird over, setting him up for The Plauge...
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
Only instead of hitting The Plauge in the ring, Rat tosses Byrd over the top rope – into his entourage.
Magnus: Byrd sent flying into his entourage, taking them out!
Following out to the floor, Rat takes Shockmaster down with a bulldog. Then rakes Starship Coyote’s eyes – before finally grabbing Byrd, and choke slamming him into the steel steps. With the champion holding his back like its broken, and the distractions taken care of – Rat Bastard tosses Byrd back in. Locking on a crippler cross face.
Magnus: RAT TRAP! RAT TRAP! WE COULD BE LOOKING AT A NEW CHAMPION!
Sainovic: You don’t have to sound so happy.
Magnus: Without the strap, we can finally get Byrd off TV and Mongo off my back!
Phillips: Byrd might be out from that spill to the floor, otherwise he’d be tapping like hell.
XHF Diamond Studd reaches under the ropes to try to break the lock, only to eat a boot to the face. With the other distractions slowly waking, Rat lets go of the hold.
Magnus: RAT GOING FOR THE B.O.D.!!!!!!!
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
Magnus: NO! Byrd slips out and goes for the TURKEY SHOOT!
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
Magnus: NO! RAT TURNING IT OVER B.O.D.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TWO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THREE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sainovic: Zis is unfortunate.
DING! DING! DING!
Magnus: THE WINNER OF THIS MATCH, AND *NEW* XHF PHOENIX CHAMPION –
RAAAAAAAAAAT
BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASTARD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The audience are delighted that Byrd lost, but not pleased that Rat won. The reaction is deeply conflicted. Blind Stubbs hands Rat Bastard the Phoenix title.
Magnus: It might have moved from Global status to AWF to GUNS, but the XHF Phoenix Championship was the last singles XHF branded title that Rat Bastard hadn’t won.
Sainovic: Other zan junior and women-
Magnus: EVERY belt he could win with the XHF he has won!
Phillips: So this makes him a Grand Slam winner? Good for him.
Magnus: Yes the GRAND SLAM, he should be insufferable.
*CLAP*
*CLAP*
*CLAP*
The Final Boss stands on the announce table with a microphone.
Zoran Sainovic: Congratulations, Rat. Of course, since it’s unlikely zat GUNS exclusive Dirty Byrd will be appearing in REIGN any time soon – I'm afraid we have to insist on ze former champion getting an - AUTOMATIC REMATCH!
XHF PHOENIX CHAMPIONSHIP
RAT BASTARD © VS. DIRTY BYRD
From behind, Dirty Byrd hits Rat Bastard with a sucker punch, then pulls him into an inside package.
Magnus: THAT’S THE SAME MOVE AWESOME USED ON YOU AT HEGEMONY!
Sainovic: ...A very astute observation, Magnus…
Magnus: NOT LIKE THIS-
ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TWO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THREE-
Phillips: Kickout! Rat Bastard a crafty enough veteran not to drop the match to the element of surprise.
Sainovic: ...
Phillips: What are you writing?
Sainovic: Nothing.
Magnus: Gobbldygooker going for the Thanksgiving Destroyer, but Rat reverses it into a Bastard Bomb!
ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TWO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Phillips: XHF Shockmaster breaks the pin!
This interference is so obvious that even Blind Stubbs catches it, and starts calling for the bell-
Zoran Sainovic (still on table): BY ZE WAY, ZIS REMATCH IS NO DISQUALIFICATIONS!
XHF PHOENIX CHAMPIONSHIP
NO DQ
RAT BASTARD © VS. DIRTY BYRD
Stubbs stops. The rest of the XHF Originals hit the ring. Rat Bastard punches off Fake Razor, before XHF Diamond Studd nails him with a chair. XHF Starship Coyote brings a chair of his own. Bastard covers up, trying to fight through the onslaught – when Byrd brings a cinderblock across his back.
#THUD#
Magnus: WHERE THE HELL DID BYRD GET A CINDERBLOCK?
Phillips: He has a tendency to escalate things-
Magnus: Byrd now with the sloppy cover-
ONE!
TWO!
THREE!
DING! DING! DING!
Magnus: This is disgusting.
Sainovic: ZE WINNER OF ZIS MATCH, AND NEW PHOENIX CHAMPION – ZE XHF GOBBELDYGOOKER!!!
The XHF Originals continue to kick away at Bastard, while Byrd poses with his championship.
Sainovic: Now ZIS I could watch all night-
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
The audience POP HARD as Steve Awesome jumps the guardrail, and runs in for the save.
Magnus: IT’S STEVE AWESOME! Dropkick sends that chair into Fake Razor’s face! Spaceship Coyote moves in, but eats a fist to the breadbasket. Now Awesome grabbing Razor’s chair and going to town! Byrd quickly bailing!
Phillips: Steve kicking Coyote’s chair over to Rat, who looks worse for the beating, but joins him- AWESOME BASTARDS RUNNING WILD!
A few brutal chairshots send the Originals packing. The Awesome Bastards stand triumphant in the ring, at least until it’s surrounded by security guards.
Sainovic: Last time I checked you TWO weren’t GUNS employees. So I don’t know why you zink it’s appropriate to SNEAK INTO OUR FED, and BURY a loyal company man like XHF Spaceship Coyote. Security, keep zese overly enthusiastic fans detained until we can have law enforcement authorities detain zem-
Security try to enter the ring, only to be held back by wide chair swings. Weighing their options, AWESOME BASTARDS decide to exit through the crowd. Sainovic grimaces. He really hopes Rat doesn’t replace one of the Bang Bros at Overheated.
Magnus: The Awesome Bastards exiting through the audience, chased by guards.
Phillips: And GUNS retains control of the Phoenix title!
Magnus: Don’t remind me. We’re never going to get rid of Byrd.
Sainovic: Gentlemen, zank you for having me. I’ll reveal ze results of zese employee evaluations at ze Birthday show.
Phillips: WAIT, we were being judged?
Sainovic: Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a championship match to prepare for-
The Commissioner exits.
Phillips: What’s stopping Zoran from losing the belt to Phil on purpose, just to piss Steve off, then pulling the same automatic rematch stunt to become the first three time X*Crown champion? You know, just to piss everyone off?
Magnus: For his many character flaws, Zoran cares about the crown’s integrity too much to sully its reputation with that stunt.
Phillips: I suppose so...
Magnus: Of course, that was before Fireside handed it around to half their roster.
Both: damn.
“UNBOXED IN JAPAN”
Footage from the King of Hokkaido 2022 tournament plays.
Announcer: Future XHF Hall of Famer, Ken in the Box, was recently selected as GUNS representative for J-RoK’s King of Hokkaido 2022 tournament. While we wished Ken well, no one could have expected just how successful he would be in the land of the rising sun. Fighting with the intent of using the prize money to purchase a new box, Ken has fired up with a passion not seen in years.
Images of Ken’s winning performances soon cut to a post-match press conference of the long-term XHF star.
Unboxed Ken: Thank you. (polite bow) J-RoK’s warm welcome has been overwhelming. I came here to buy a new house, find a new home – but being untethered for the first time since I can remember? I miss my home. I miss the familiar surroundings. But the freedom the opportunity provides? It’s nice to find my voice again. It’s true what they say, happiness exists outside of your comfort zone.
Despite his brave words, footage then shows Ken having a hard time dealing with the Tokyo skyline. The only place he seems comfortable is the subway – where packed in like a sardine, he is reminded of his boxed surroundings.
Announcer: There are still a number of matches left in the tournament to pull off the impossible, but all the GUNS family are cheering for you Ken!
The last shot is a static image of a box that’s been opened up.
Magnus: We have a grudge match that will have you glued to your television sets coming up next!
Phillips: Greg Adkins has been a thorn in Jesse Jamester’s side for a while now. The two tore into one another all over the arena during the XHF Rumble.
Magnus: Not only that but Adkins has been constantly picking fights with the Murder Lizard. Just last show his fireball was the reason for Dylan Black and Jesse’s match being called a draw.
Phillips: A dream match that fans have clamored for has brought two men together who have had not been shy about their dislike for one another; Dylan Black and Jesse Jamester will pair up tonight - and I can’t imagine either are happy about that.
Magnus: But we also have a mystery partner for Greg Adkins. I have the faintest of ideas who he could have found to team with him.
Phillips: Well it’s about to get started as our announcer has stepped in the GUNS ring to begin introductions.
The ring announcer steps through the ropes, dressed in a black suit with a white undershirt, fancier than usual for a GUNS staff member. He takes to the center to begin the match introduction.
Ring Announcer: The following match is a TAG TEAM MATCH and will be scheduled for ONE FALL! The rules are as follows… One fall to a finish, submissions and pinfalls are legal, a ten count will be administered by the referee when one of the two active competitors is outside the ring. If the competitor is unable to return to the ring, they will be counted out and lose the match for their team. Disqualifications will occur after two warnings from the referee and on the third warning, the disqualification will end the match! There is NO TIME LIMIT!
The crowd roars as he steps back and pauses.
Ring Announcer: Introducing first, a former TWO TIME XHF X*CROWN CHAMPION! The winner of the 2021 XHF Rumble! Hailing from Hokkaido Prefecture, Hokkaido, Japan! He stands six foot three inches tall and weighed in this evening at 206 pounds! Recognized and feared as "The Daemon of Mayhem" … here is — DYYYYYYYYLLLAAAN BLLLLLAAAAAAAAAAACCKKKKK!
♫ “A SPECIAL PLACE IN HEEEEEEEE-E-E-E-ELLLLLL!" ♫
The lights flash green as the riffs to Reid Henry’s hit new single hits the sound system of the GUNS arena, it’s uplifting and electric! The curtains between the wrestling word and gorilla open up and Dylan pushes his way through them! He pauses, posing for the crowd before strolling down the ramp ever so casually.
Phillips: One of the most dangerous and decorated wrestlers in recent years here in XHF.
Magnus: Not only a former two time X*Crown Champion, but also the XHF Rumble winner of 2021. Dylan is rewriting the book on the sport of wrestling, and tonight we get a front row seat.
Phillips: Wrestling? The three we know of; I don’t see them wrestling here tonight. We’re going to see a fight.
Magnus: They may love the violence but they love to be the best even more. It’s what brought them to the dance in the first place.
Phillips: I’m more interested in knowing what sorry soul Greg Adkins con’d into being his partner.
Dylan rolls under the bottom ropes and waves his hand in the ring, creating a small lightning arc! He gestures in the boos from those in attendance and just gives off the biggest smirk before he slinks into his corner.
Ring Announcer: Introducing his partner, hailing from Calgary, Alberta Canada! He stands six foot six inches tall and weighed in this evening at 264 pounds! Known the world over as ‘The Murder Lizard’, here is — JESSSSSSSE JAMESSSS-SSSSSTTTTTEEERRRRRRR!
♬♬“You are wrong, fucked, and overrated
I think I'm gonna be sick and it's your fault
This is the end of everything
You are the end of everything” ♬♬
Riot waves of fans leave their seat as Slipknot’s “Everything Ends” rips through the sound system! Green and white lights begin to flicker down in a circle near the entrance way. Guitars shred as drums beat viciously through the speakers. Fans begin stomping their feet before seeing the imposing figure cast a shadow in the lit up circle.
Phillips: There are not many who can say they do what they love for a living. That changes whe you ask this man. This is his purpose. Wrestling is his life.
Magnus: All I know is he has been on the losing end due to Greg Adkins as of late. That disturbance to a man like Jesse. (looks left at his partner) That doesn’t go well for the other person in the end.
Phillips: But can there even be any real team work here between Dylan and Jesse? These two are not tag team aficionados.
Magnus: (slides a sheet of paper at Phil) Incorrect. Both these men have had success as tag team wrestlers, both finding gold in those journeys. Dylan a former XHF Tag Team champion and Jesse held the Northern Pro tag titles with Scott Steele.
The Murder Lizard steps forward and throws his head up, whipping his hair back as the scaly black dinosaur style mask that struck fear into opponents took the stage. Jesse Jamester had arrived. Sporting white boots with black laces, with a lizard wrapped in barbed wire on the outside of each boot, and a bloody barbed wire design circling his tights. Fists taped up with black athletic tape, a black elbow pad on his right arm, and all the tattoos and scars visible from neck to abdomen, down both arms, and even on the eyebrow of the one eye that is more visible than the other under the mask.
Magnus: Last week they wanted to tear each other's heads off.
Phillips: And you put them together because why?
Magnus: I didn’t do this - THEY did!
Phillips: And you think this is going to end well?
Magnus: I know it’s going to sell tickets. Look at these people!
Panning around the arena, the camera catches the rabid roars and chants of the loyal GUN nation. Golden Bear koozie hats that held four beers were prominent throughout the crowd.
Taking a moment to soak it in, the Murder Lizard scans the arena, and makes his way down the aisle towards the ring.
Phillips: I have it on good authority that the referees were drawing straws to see who would officiate this match tonight.
Magnus: Because I told you that!
The Murder Lizard has entered the ring and him and Dylan seem to have an understanding, whether agreed on or not, nobody knew. Not many words were spoken between the two as they kept to themselves. Dylan picks himself up out of the corner using the top ropes while Jesse slips off the black vest he began sporting recently. Stretching on the ropes, the one thing these two shared was their patience running out with Greg Adkins; the man who made two rivals come together for a cause; to kick his ass.
Ring Announcer: And introducing their opponent, hailing from Bloomington, Illinois. He stands six foot two and weighed this evening at one hundred and sixty-five pounds. He is “Guttertrash” Greg Adkins!
“Down Low” by R.Kelly begins playing as Greg Adkins dances his way out from the back - he stops at the top of the ramp.
Greg Adkins: (clears throat) LADIES and turds, and brats of all these failures!
Pointing around the arena at the GUNS fans that had any Dylan Black or Jesse Jamester fan posters or T-shirts, and all the peanut gallery seats up in the darkest corners of the old dilapidated arena. Greg stops until the fans shush, spitting a loogie almost on a fan at the barricade. Adkins raises his free hand to the sky as the slow steady beating of a drum begins, hyping what is about to happen and stealing the audience's attention.
Greg Adkins: Shut your mouths and bow down! I said bow down to the Empress of Evil! A Legendary Assassin! And a true German ICON!
Pauses dramatically as fans begin to boo.
Greg Adkins: Hailing from Cologne, Germany, here is —- ESMERALDA VON KRAAAAAAUUUUUUUSSSSssss!
The lights flicker and the arena mood shifts as a halo circle on the stage appears to the left of Greg Adkins. That same circle shakes and vibrates to the pulse of a sick shredding metal guitar riff as the bass stomps the eardrums in a melodic smooth tone. Suddenly the halo warps into a purple symbol sporting an Assassin heritage that went back centuries. Rising from the stage with smoke pouring at her feet. The riser stops flush with the entrance ramp and Adkins nods as he half bows, showing her respect. Tossing the microphone does Adkins as he walks to the right side of Krauss, but a step or two behind her. The guitar's melodic metal riff picks up to the beating drums before a solo bass chorus comes in and the drums switch to a slower top hat rhythm. It’s a clash of modern metal and 90s alternative with a piano coming in as the drums fade.
Phillips: Who would have thought the wife of Armond von Krauss would grace a GUNS ring!
Magnus: And be willingly a partner of Adkins. Go figure huh?
Phillips: Caught me by surprise.
Tag Team Match
Dylan Black and Jesse Jamester vs Greg Adkins and Esmeralda Von Krauss
At the ring apron, Greg goes up the steps as Esmeralda climbs the apron using the middle rope and steps through to a scattered purple siren light blinking on each corner. The Daemon and the Lizard glance at each other, a brief stare and eyebrow raise before their attention returns to the German Assassin. She turns her shoulder to the pair as she removes her head cowl that is attached to a single right shoulder garment made to rush a foe and blast them into never-never land. She slips the head cowl over the shoulder garment and sets it under the neutral corner turnbuckle near the post. Adkins grabs Jesse’s hair from the apron and reverse springs Jesse’s mid-to-high back off the top rope as he yanks the dark muddy looking hair all the way to the outside floor. Jesse springs forward and as he does Krauss spins around, crouching down, and slingshots her knee into the burnt side of JJ’s mask!
Magnus: Plans don’t need to be pretty to work.
Phillips: Krauss was the bait, but Adkins executed the sneak attack perfectly.
Magnus: I mean, look at Adkins, do you think he’s ever showered?
Phillips: Never been close enough to know.
Magnus: Consider yourself lucky.
Slammed by the sudden sneak attack that was executed to perfection. Greg Adkins goes to grab the boot of Jesse Jamester near the ropes, and pulls him to the outside of the ring. In the ring, Dylan delivers a side kick to the hip of Krauss! The Daemon of Mayhem shows a side we haven’t seen in some time in XHF, with each kick calculated and precise to target limbs and joints of the German Assassin. Esmeralda not being one to show emotion, the evil empress of mystery recoiled like a snake, dipping to a crouch to avoid a major elbow attack and responding with a leaping double knee attack to the chest! Krauss rolls through and comes to her feet with poise. Esmeralda wastes no time with turning to face Dylan and see him back up and ready, though showing the red marks from her attack.
Phillips: Krauss may lack the size of her opponents, but she isn’t giving them any reason to underestimate her.
Magnus: Nobody should. Negotiating with her was interesting.
Phillips: Greg Admins and Krauss as a team though? Can they get along and overcome two of the Xtreme Pillars of XHF?
Magnus: I’m betting Dylan and Jesse break down before that’s even a concern. Black and Jesse have a history of blood! Don’t think for one second that has been forgotten.
Phillips: Adkins with his persistent poking of the Murder Lizard has put himself in this position. He has to have a plan, right?
Magnus: First glance, many would say no way. But don’t be quick to judge the book by its cover.
On the outside Greg Adkins is clotheslined over the barricade by Jesse! The Murder Lizard follows suit by hopping the barricade. Returning Greg to his feet in rough fashion, JJ gets poked in the eye holes of his masks as Greg tries to blind him temporarily.
Dylan whips Krauss to the ropes and drops to the mat as she sprints towards him, Krauss is forced to jump to avoid tripping and slingshots her body to the far ropes. Dylan with a leapfrog but Esmeralda stops! The referee is yelling at their partners to get back to the ringside area, and Esmeralda sends her leg up like a pro punter! Dylan’s family jewels find the posts and IT’S GOOD!
Magnus: No future baby Dylan’s in his future now.
Phillips: That hurt me, and I’m only watching this!
Magnus: Doesn’t matter how good you are, that will bring any man to his knees.
The refere misses it all and is now between the ropes as he yells outside pointing to Greg Adkins to put the chair down. On his knees and clutching the prized Black beans, Dylan looks up to a smug smirk on the face of Krauss.
KAAA-POW!
A punch to the
Dylan lands the most heinous punch, one that will likely get the cancel-culture folks on his twitter in a storm, and a seat at Drew Barrymore's talk show, before his head is kicked like a soccer ball immediately afterwards by the very same victim of said heinous act - Esmeralda von Krauss.
Phillips: It’s true, they are not the same!
Magnus: You never went to school huh Phil?
Phillips: What? Me? Uuhhhh, what did my resume say again?
Magnus: Dylan with that unforgivable punch to Krauss is going to be viral before the night is over.
Phillips: If someone ringside could find where Esmeralda sent Dylan’s head, I think I saw it land in the upper section of section 238.
Dylan hits the canvas and Krauss drops on him to begin striking elbows as Adkins is seen running now towards the ring area as Jesse has regained vision and pissed off at him. The Murder Lizard is seen picking up chairs and chucking them at him as fans scatter from their seats, giving him more ammunition. It’s become a game of Dodge-a-Chair.
The referee has now left the ring and is standing at the barricade when Greg Adkins, who is looking over his shoulder to know whether to zig or zag, turns and vaults forward to clear the barricade. The referee ducks just in the nick of time. Adkins rolls past him and proceeds to army crawl under the ring apron. GUNS referee yells at Adkins to get to his corner or he will disqualify him — BAAAAAAAM!
Magnus: Lights out!
Phillips: And that’s all folks, well for the ref I mean. Jesse’s chair chucking was meant for Adkins but was late to land and blasts our official in the cranium like a hanging three-pointer hits net in an NBA game.
Magnus: We need a stretcher and a new official out here now, or this is going to go south in a hurry.
Phillips: Your mom goes south…
Magnus: Was that an attempt to make my dead mom a joke?
Phillips: No no no— I, uh–uh–
Magnus: Gotcha! Kinda like how Jesse got that referee, and how I’m looking to get a bill for that… Damnit.
Krauss sees the refere go down and Jesse skulks towards the ring area. The chair swinging lizard freak chucks a chair at the ring and it hits the ropes but bounces off the apron, clanging as it hit the ringside floor. Krauss turns back to Dylan and is met with a kick to the gut and a tiger suplex that turns into a driver for her transgressions earlier. The Empress of Evil is taken off guard and gets folded up like a paper plane. Dylan attempts a pin and Jesse just shakes his head after getting over the barricade. The Murder Lizard lifts the knocked out referee by the back of his collar, hanging in his hand.
Jesse: Looking for this?
Dylan: Fuck!
Dropping the referee, Jesse points towards Dylan and the Daemon sees Adkins as he comes up from the other side of the ring with the ring apron on his shoulders. Dylan does the old boot scootin boogie and bounces off one set of ropes before he jumps through the ropes with a shotgun dropkick to the back of Greg Adkins!
Magnus: Adkins nearly sent into the first row!
Phillips: Black showing us a play out of his book that isn’t common.
Magnus: No, Dylan doesn’t care to fly like others are known for. His battle is between the brain and the body that he will break down and torture. It’s a game of endurance for the young man.
The fall from the kick was prepared for but never easy, and Dylan took a spill for a risk that paid off. As he leans up on the apron, Dylan slaps a leg and looks around at the fans - the eye wink before a sinister smile of devious thought washes over his face. Swiping his hair from his eyes, the Daemon of Mayhem grabs Greg by the trunks and back of his neck before walking him around the ring towards his partner.
Phillips: Jesse has set up the steel steps and loaded it up with multiple folded steel chairs.
Magnus: That cannot be good if you’re name is Greg.
Phillips: It has turned into an all out fight just like I said!
Magnus: This is not a fight, it’s way too tame for these four to be mislabeled like that. This evens the score.
Phillips: I don’t know, Greg shot Fire at their faces!
Approaching the Murder Lizard, Dylan stops and turns Greg to face him before striking with a palm to the nose! The next one to the right pec, which comes up and crosses his face with an elbow, which turns Greg’s face towards the ring. Stepping sideways and staggering in a swooping circle; Greg grabs his nose as he looks back up at Dylan and backs up a step, another step, and backs right into the chest of Jesse Jamester. The realization takes a moment to register as Greg’s eyes grow wider and he hesitantly turns around.
Phillips: Face to face finally.
Magnus: Well like face to chin.
Phillips: he’s not that short!
Magnus: He’s not standing upright either. I imagine Adkins wished he was anywhere but here at this very second.
A massive throat chop to Adkins and Jesse scoops Greg off his feet, turning him upside down while he wraps his arms around Greg’s back and has his knees hanging over the shoulder. Boots facing the lights, head pointing to the floor, Jesse walks up the first step of the steel steps and adjusts Greg’s body to see better – POOOOOOOOOW!
Magnus: A flying superman punch to the kisser of the Murder Lizard!
Phillips: Esmeralda ran the length of the ring apron before she leaped into attack mode! Reminds me of a one night stand I had.
Magnus: You got Superman punched by a flying naked broad?!
Phillips: No!
Magnus: Then how the hell does it remind you— never, never mind! I don’t want to know what kinks you’re into Phil, keep that crazy part to the women in your life and a therapist please.
Krauss’ trademark move ‘Justice’ was so effective it sent Jesse to teeter backwards onto his back with Greg landing on his chest, avoiding any of the chairs that had shifted and slid everywhere. Some under Jesse, some breaking Krauss’ own fall, yet Greg has come out unscathed. Crawling off Jesse Jamester, sliding on chairs, and grabbing the ring rope to pull himself up on the apron - Greg surveys the damage. He had been saved from a Violent Grave move that could have shortened his career, all thanks to Esmeralda. She was along the far side of the ring, sitting up against the barricade, recovering front her landing on all the chairs.
Phillips: I could just see this getting to this point when I saw it announced.
Magnus: But you had no idea Krauss would be here.
Phillips: We had three-fourths of a meat lovers extreme style in two of those. We all knew it had to be someone who could go.
Magnus: For me, the fact that Greg has forgotten about that shotgun dropkick and who delivered it earlier.
Walking up behind Greg, the Daemon of Mayhem has his hands on his hips before raising the one and putting it up like he was lining up his shot, the scope of his weapon had to find it’s trajectory, where it would go, and before Greg had turned around it was coming at him! Ducked using the middle rope, Greg shoulder strikes the abdomen area as he nearly comes into the ring from his momentum - but Dylan’s body colliding with his shoulder levels him out, and Adkins stand on the apron with his torso in the ring. Shifting his body, he places his head between Dylan’s thighs and lifts up for a back body drop to Black! One arm grabbing the ropes as he is upside down and looking to be making his ring exit; Dylan shifts his weight and instead lands beside Greg on the apron, almost gymnast in his acrobatic escape. Dylan knees Greg twice in his exposed stomach before Adkins returns to a stand on the apron.
CHOP from Dylan!
CHOP from Adkins!
CHOP from Dylan!
CHOP from Adkins!
CHOP from Dylan!
CHOP from Adkins!
One after another, it was a gut check and nobody wanted to quit as the chops noise picked up in speed, until the audience began chanting the move each time it would land on either Dylan or Greg; both showing the damage done to their skin as it turned to the look of someone getting rug burn from sliding across the living room floor too fast.
“CHOP! … CHOP! … CHOP!
CH–WOOOOOOOOOOAH!”
Magnum: Disasterpiece from Dylan Black!
Phillips: Greg is going to end up being called ‘No More Teeth Adkins’ after that!
Greg takes the bicycle knee strike in the center of his chest but hooks the middle rope in a last ditch effort to avoid the fall to the outside. Adkins looks like a sloth sleeping on the bottom rope as he rolls into the ring, Dylan on the other hand stays on the apron and looks back at Adkins as he rolls onto his back looking up at the lights.
[Lights go out]
Phillips: Forget to pay the electric bill again?
Magnus: That was ONE time, and it was because I forgot a stamp.
Crackling occurs before lights burst back on, and the scene of the ring is visible. Dylan Black and Jesse Jamester stand in the ring, surrounded at each side of the squared circle by someone.
Esmeralda von Krauss stands to the north with Greg Adkins residing ring side behind her with a Singapore cane in his hands, ready to go ‘Mark McGwire’. Panning around Krauss and Adkins, the camera shows three hooded people standing on each side of the ring, surrounding Black and Jamester.
Phillips: I’m not one for conspiracy theories, but this feels like a set up Mags. Don’t you think?
Magnus: It smells of high hell, and I’ve smelled what Golden Bear II had for breakfast, lunch, and dinner.
Phillips: Never repeat that, please.
Magnus: I have been around long enough to know, anything can happen in wrestling. Especially in GUNS.
Dylan Black and Jesse Jamester stand back to back in the center of the ring. Two men who fought wars amongst one another; merely to prove that they were the better man. Wars of blood and violence that started right here in GUNS on its “Season 3 Opener: XHF’s Birthday Bash”. were ready to fight whoever took the first move to enter the ring.
Esmeralda enters first and Greg Adkins is quick to follow. Jesse keeps his ground and with a “NOW” they both rush at the person directly in front of them. Jesse stomping on Greg Adkins as he slides in, while Krauss is able to get in the ring fully before Jesse has her on the ropes and is punching anything that moves. Krauss takes two to the upper shoulder and chest before she is able to kick the inside of Jesse’s right knee; buckling him to one leg.
The hooded figure in front of Dylan receives a Shotgun Dropkick that sends him tumbling back out of the ring just as they were stepping through. His hood falls and it’s…
Magnus: LONG! Who let Jason Long in here?!
Phillips: We really need to fire security Mags.
The other two hooded figures are able to get to Dylan as he was rising from the dropkick The first attacker goes for his arms, while the second attacker lays in lethal kicks to the midsection and thighs of Dylan. Dylan’s teeth clench as he stomps the foot of the attacker behind him and uses his feet to kick the front attacker. Dylan is locked up by the waist from the second attacker, but a rear kick and the Daemon of Mayhem finds the sex of attacker two to be — it’s a boy!
The grapple dissolves and the 2nd attacker is uncomfortably holding his man-thangs, before Dylan jumps backwards, using his legs, and REVERSE STANDING HURRACARANA!
Phillips: No way! It’s EL REY!!!
Magnus: What in the hell is going on here!?
Before Dylan can turn around to the 1st attacker; Jason Long is off the top rope and missile dropkicks Dylan in the cheek like he stole his woman! Dylan crashes and burns from the sudden assault, as Jason smiles proudly of his handy work. Long looks back to the 1st attacker and last remaining hooded figure.
Jesse Jamester blows up from the one knee and pushes Greg Adkins and Esmeralda Krauss off him before getting blasted with a superkick from Jason Long! The Murder Lizard staggers like an oak that has just one more root that needs cut before they yell ‘Timber!’ That was all it took too as the hooded figure kicked Jesse in the gut, sending him forward in a hunching position. Grabbing his neck as the attacker faces the crowd, he drops to his ass in a fashion many knew oh-to-fuckin-well!
Magnus: FUCK IT’S DONZIG!
Phillips: Event Horizon by Donzig?! I… uh, I need context – what are they doing out here?! Why are they attacking these two?
Magnus: You and about a billion others are wondering the same thing.
Phillips: Is this the Cult of Donzig?
Magnus: Let’s not throw words like Cult around. Specifically in, or around, Donzig himself. He doesn’t need any more ideas.
Phillips: Someone needs to explain what just happe—
A fire ignites on the stage just about where the ring curtain is, and like some Marvel Doctor Strange magic portal like effect starts to happen - but with fire spiraling to a smoke as the outer circle widens and we hear…
♬♬"GET ON YOUR KNEES AND BOW DOWN!!!"♬♬
Phillips: Spike Kane is here!
Magnus: I’m losing my deductible on this building, I knew it.
Phillips: Well yeah, but that’s what you get booking Dylan Black and Jesse Jamester in a tag match that they requested. What other possible result did you think would happen?
Magnus: Better T-shirt sales for starters.
Phillips: Nobody out sells the Bear, nobody.
Magnus: Facts. But back to this right here and not our cheap plug to go to ‘SHOP DOT GUNS DOT COM” and use the code “#fuckmongo” for ten percent off all orders over $100 US, and whatever that converts to in the rest of the world. This is a limited time offer, and will end when Season 3 of GUNS concludes.
Back to the man of the moment, the Fire starting, to Hell and Back, and back and hell, yeah – he does a lot of that and you know, it’s unsure if he’s just got like a ‘Hell Library Card’ but Spike Kane has fuckin’ arrived folks! Spike didn’t come alone though, no, it’s not the Call to Arms 3 winners he is with - the BANG! Bros for those who are slacking (ooops, spoiler), but the object in his hand appears to be a sledgehammer with the pins of Hellraiser sticking out of it, with a spot on the top that has El Rey’s Funko Pop, ehh, actually just the Pop’s head of El Rey. Do you got beef, well Spike Kane and El Rey do and it looks to be a score Spike is settling right here, right now.
Magnus: We’re all going to hell now, I can just see it…
Phillips: Of course, we’re degenerates and we work here. Not a news break, but if you’re looking for a religion, Spike is not the guy to talk to.
Magnus: Whether any one likes him outside the BANG! Bros, Spike has been the hottest XHF return in 2021, winning the X*Crown Championship, the FIRSIDE Spark championship, and battling just about anything that moves.
Phillips: And he comes bearing gifts.
Magnus: Uh, remind me to remove you from the secret santa this year.
Swinging the sledgehammer pin cushion of hell, Spike clears a path of Jason Long, Esmeralda, and Greg Adkins as they try to cut him off on the ramp. The equalizer was doing its job as Spike kicks Long in the knee and goes for the back but Greg tackles him into the barricade while Krauss removes Spike’s fingers from the sledgehammer of hell by biting them. A swift elbow to Krauss’ face and Spike knees Adkins in the chest before double axe hammering his neck and sending him to the outside floor. Krauss goes for JUSTICE once more! But Spike ducks and hits Blood God's Wrath on the flying Krauss! Leaving her feet was not a common move in her arsenal, and tonight it would prove to be her mistake as Krauss hits the floor.
Magnus: I see Spike is here to help Dylan and Jesse. Odd…
Phillips: The brothers you bleed with, are brothers for life.
Magnus: Art of war?
Phillips: No, I just made that up.
Spike rises up and hits the ring where El Rey meets him head on! Punches traded, the two men would give Mike Tyson a run for their money, but that’s neither here nor there. Kane and Rey are occupied with one another as Donzig commands the others to go for Spike. Size advantage goes to Spike, yet speed was to El Rey. The two are not quick to lock up, but do go in for a good ole’ fashion fight. Rushing at Spike, El Rey ducks a clothesline and springboards off the ropes, moonsaulting over the opponent at first. into the E-Reytio Variation 2!
Phillips: A move I could never learn how to say right is hit!
Magnus: Awe, and we thought that the Pillars of Xtreme were bad men; It looks like we have been proven wrong by these five.
Phillips: Hey, a broken clock is right twice a day.
Magnus: You need a new quote book Phil. It’s a hard pill to swallow if you’re a Pillar of Xtreme, but these five just made examples out of them.
Phillips: Isn’t there four-
“Point of No Return” by Immortal Technique rips over the sound system of the GUNS arena and the audience look on. Donzig and team are regrouped with some assistance from El Rey and Jason Long. Adkins has Jesse’s neck wrapped withmultiple camera cables from under the ring, as he uses it as a noose and on choking the life out of the Murder Lizard. It’s when the beat drops and we hear it, that the crowd goes ballistic…
♬♬ This is the point of no return, I can never go back
Life without parole, upstate, shackled and trapped
Livin' in the hole, lookin' at the world through a crack
But fuck that, I'd rather shoot it out and get clapped ♬♬
From the crowd comes the loudest metal grinding noise ever heard. Like the red sea, the audience behind the announcer’s table area clear a walk way for “The Godfather of Hardcore” PRICE!
Magnus: Holy – is that a chainsaw!?!
Phillips: It is!
Magnus: Noooooooo!
The Messiah of Hardcore had gone the way of the crowd, but there was no sneaking up on anyone with a running chainsaw. PRICE reaches the ringside area, staring on at El Rey, Jason Long, Esmeralda von Krauss, and Donzig. The Pillars of Xtreme were all on the outside of the ring, either down or working on their way to get up. PRICE takes to the announcers table, where he stares on at the group of attackers trying to make a statement.
Donzig gestures for Jason Long and El Rey to go to the right side, while Esmeralda and himself went left. PRICE smiled big and with a flick of his hand the chainsaw started to spark. All four of them stop dead, before hightailing it backwards when the chainsaw became a flame thrower! Six or seven foot flames bursting from the front end of the chainsaw
Phillips: I’m outta here! (Panic leaves)
Magnus: No chance I am seeing anything from our Insurance company after this. Just great!
It’s here where PRICE begins to sway the flame high in the air, well over the ring, and hits the trigger on the handgrip. XHF’s Hardcore Diety was proving his name in every creves of it’s existence.
Donzig turns around mid-ramp and with microphone in hand, finds himself pausing.
Donzig: In with the new, out with the old. As with Jurassic World, one cannot exist while the other is still alive. You are the dinosaue, the Scourge, is that one who ends your misery.
Dylan Black: Wait… (Audible groan of pain in the mic) UuuugGHRR!
Climbing up from the side of the ring, Dylan has a microphone in hand. Obviously hurting like all hell from the unsanctioned brawl that went down.
Dylan Black: You all.. (groan) take directions from this ? Who in their right minds would do that?
Donzig: Jealous much?
Dylan: No, just curious if I could help.
While flames are no longer sucking the oxygen out of the arena, Price had it draped over his shoulder like he was carrying a bazooka.
Price: How I see it... you got four... well five, or four and a half, who's really counting.
Looks around as the Pillars of Xtreme join Price and Dylan who is now in the ring.
Price: Let's settle this at...
Dylan grabs the mic and says it for him.
Dylan: OH VIOLENT NIGHT, the Sequel, you got 4 on 4, in uhhhhh--- WAR GAMES MATCH!
Holding the abs and southern parts, the Daemon of Mayhem knew the ask. The Scourge brings the microphone to his chin as he crosses his arms. The beard playing a trivial part here as groomed it with his hand, weighing his options.
Donzig: It's your funerals. When its all done, just remember you asked for it to be this way. You asked for annihilation from the New Era of Xtreme!
MEANWHILE, IN THE BACK…
…The camera finds Blaze Freya looking around the corridors until she finds the door she was looking for, pauses a moment, AND THEN KICKS THE DOOR OPEN and walks in. As it slams behind her we see the door reads “Men’s Locker Room.”
A quick SMASH CUT to inside reveals her walking into the men’s locker room only to find one Nelly Angel sitting down, who shrieks and quickly moves to cover his nipples. We can only see his upper body as he cups his chest buttons while looking up in shock at Freya.
Nelly: WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN HERE!?
She looks him up and down.
Blaze: Nothing I haven’t already seen, literally.
The camera finally gives us a full view of the XHF Junior Heavyweight Champion; he’s in full wrestling gear already. Why he’s covering his nipples is beyond us.
Blaze: Why are you even geared up? You don’t have a match tonight.
Nelly: Oh, well just in case something comes up I am ready to wrestle. Also, if I’m dressed like this it’s less likely that Magnus will try to force me to interview somebody. Now let me ask you a question, WHY ARE YOU IN THE MEN’S LOCKER ROOM!?
She rolls her eyes as Nelly continues and perhaps more strongly protects his nipples from her sight.
Blaze: Well I had to find you somewhere, duh.
Nelly: Why!?
Blaze: Because I beat you, duh.
Angel still seems confused. Freya points to the Junior Heavyweight Championship next to him.
Blaze: While you were champion, I pinned you, yes?
Nelly: Yes.
Blaze: Therefore I should have a shot at the championship.
Nelly: That’s not really how that works here.
Blaze: I see.
She tongues the inside of her mouth thinking, but eventually shrugs.
Blaze: Alright then. Anyway you want a rematch?
Nelly: Yeah, I guess we can face off again at the July 9th show.
Blaze: Cool.
She spins on her heel and starts to leave but Nelly looks at the title and then holds up one of his arms to her.
Nelly: You…you know. July 9th is the XHF’s birthday, and traditionally we’d defend every title on that show. Obviously that’s no longer the case, but since it is the Birthday Show, and since you did beat me…you got it: Nelly Angel vs. Blaze Freya for the XHF Junior Heavyweight Championship.
Freya smiles, gives Nelly one more look up and down, and then winks at him and leaves.
Nelly: AND CLOSE THE DOOR ON YOUR WAY OU-
The door slams, and finally Nelly lowers his other arm that was protecting his exposed upper body. We cut back to the arena where we’re ready for the next match up.
When we return to ringside, the audience are in a vile mood. The cause of their animosity is the GUNS commissioner, who currently stands in the centre of the ring.
Zoran Sainovic: I was recently reminded zat my particular brand of wrestling is not appropriate for all age groups. One incensed parent took ze time to point zis out to me. Apparently his little girl has had nightmares for ze past two months. Troubled zat I had caused our younger viewers anxiety, and touched by this paternal defense – I decided to invite ze offended parties to join us for zis Father’s Day special. What better way to show our impressionable fans, zat while we are violent, zere is nothing to be worried about when watching trained professionals.
The Final Boss extends an arm towards the front row of the audience.
Zoran Sainovic: Please welcome my guests at zis time Phil Cameron – and HIS daughter, Lauren Matthews!
Not expecting to be on camera, Phil and Lauren look uncomfortable. Security unhook the guardrail to allow them passage at ringside.
Zoran Sainovic: Don’t be shy; we’re all friends here-
Memories of the sinister old man gutting Steve, cause Lauren to shiver – she stops dead in her tracks.
Phil: There’s nothing to worry about, Lauren. It’s just make believe.
Zoran Sainovic: Shy? Why she’s adorable. Phil – why don’t you come in here to show her it’s safe.
Trying to reassure Lauren, Phil enters the ring.
Zoran Sainovic: Zat’s ze spirit! Give him a hand, folks! You seem far more deserving of an X*Crown shot zan Steve Awesome – so let’s show put on a match ze whole family can enjoy.
Phil: I’m not a wrestler-
Zoran Sainovic: Neither is Steve! Much like with Mandi, I’m sure you’ll do a much better job FILLING ze slot.
XHF X*CROWN CHAMPIONSHIP
ZORAN SAINOVIC © VS PHIL "THE BETTER MAN" CAMERON
Phil: I’m really not comfortab-
Zoran Sainovic answers these concerns with a headbutt – breaking Phil’s nose.
Magnus: He did it. Zoran is actually defending against the new husband of Steve Awesome’s EX-WIFE.
Phillips: In fairness, he has TWO defences against Bloodied Fox this month – so it isn’t like he’s taking it easy.
Magnus: Yeah, but after how he screwed over Rat Bastard – I’m worried he’ll make Phil Cameron an X*Crown champion just to spite Steve, and then immediately win it back to become a three time champion. Mongo will cancel us!
Lauren looks on in horror as Sainovic kicks the ever-loving-shit out of Phil. As the guardrail gets closed up where the duo was let in from the audience, one last member sneaks into ringside. He kind of looks like Shitstorm star Steve Awesome, only he has a large – possibly plastic - nose.
Phillips: That guy by the timekeeper’s table is the spitting image of Pepe Morales.
Magnus: Phil desperately trying to turn his back on Lauren to not upset her further, but Zoran angling his shots make that nose bleed out in her direction. I’d call him a sick fuck, but I don’t want him defending against me.
Clearly there to protect Lauren, the obviously disguised Steve Awesome can’t help but smile watching Phil get clobbered. The audience might find it revolting, but the shit-eating smile on Steve’s face suggests he’s starting to appreciate Zoran’s work.
Phillips: I don’t know where he is – probably celebrating Rat Bastard’s Grand Slam at Magic City – but it seems like Steve would be the ONLY person to enjoy this massacre.
Magnus: At the same time, he is living Steve’s dream right now.
Phillips: That is next level evil.
A knee strike breaks Phil’s nose in a new place. Fortunately, smelling salts still work – so Phil can feel the punches digging in. Incognito Steve knows that he should really step in, but this is too good.
Magnus: Phil trying to tap out-
AAAAAAAAAH
Magnus: -so Zoran breaks his wrist. Snaps the other one just to make sure this doesn’t end prematurely.
Phillips: I get why Steve doesn’t like him, but don’t forget, he just came here to try to help a child overcome her fears. It was stupid, but basically nice.
Magnus: Well, I’m sure that everyone who has become familiar with Steve over the years is just happy that Mandi finally found a decent guy. Even if this match turns that guy into a vegetable.
Grabbing Phil’s broken nose – Sainovic starts twisting it, so that a stream of blood spurts out in Lauren’s direction. The canvas is crimson, and Phil looks dead, but Sainovic shows no signs of finishing any time soon.
“DADDY!”
Has Lauren finally seen through Steve’s cunning disguise?
“LEAVE MY DADDY ALONE!”
Braving the scary ring, Lauren throws her arms around Phil’s neck. As she sobs for her Dad, Zoran lets go of the nose – letting Phil slump to the ground.
Perhaps he waited a minute too long to intercede? Looking gut punched, Steve falls to his knees.
Shoving Lauren off his victim, Zoran finally covers Phil – shooting the disguised Steve a knowing smile. Seeing the beast touch his daughter, Awesome explodes.
ONE!
TWO!
THREE!
DING! DING! DING!
Magnus: The winner of this match and to the surprise of everyone STILL X*Crown champion- Zor- WHOA!
Hitting the ring, Steve Awesome rocks Zoran with a vicious right.
The two start to brawl around the ring, while Lauren continues to cry into the bloody stump that is her new stepfather. There fighting is further upsetting her, while her cries seem to fire Steve up.
Phillips: Steve Awesome snuck back into the arena, and sticking it to our commissioner for further traumatizing his daughter!
Magnus: How long has he been there?
Phillips: Wild brawl sees both men fall out to the floor – but even that doesn’t stop them.
Security start to move in – but the hated rivals brawl into the audience. The fans crowd around the gory exchange, only to start fleeing as the two start going at each other with chairs.
#THWACK#
#THWACK#
#THWACK#
#THWACK#
Magnus: Zoran and Steve swinging wild chairs shots – intensely working each other over!
Phillips: They aren’t blocking at all! The only chairshots that aren’t hitting are the ones that audience members accidentally run into-
The brawl goes up the stairs into the second level. The security that follow have a hard time keeping up with the frenzied crowd running away – so that the two are left trading shots on a balcony.
Magnus: MASSIVE CHAIRSHOT TO THE GUT ALMOST SENDS ZORAN OVER THE SIDE!
Phillips: Awesome following up – but Sainovic sidesteps, leaving only railing. A chairshot to the shoulder staggers Awesome.
Magnus: Duelling chairs continue on the edge-
#THWACK#
#THWACK#
#THWACK#
#THWACK#
#THWACK#
#THWACK#
#THWACK#
#THWACK#
#THWACK#
#THWACK#
#THWACK#
#THWACK#
Finally a big shot – and equal deflection – is forceful enough to knock the chairs out of their hands.
Heavily bleeding, and quite bruised – the duo slump against the railing, teasing a nasty fall,. After a few beats, Sainovic produces a microphone from his breast pocket.
Zoran Sainovic: So you’re brave enough to face me without your fraternity-
Steve responds by spitting blood at Sainovic’s shoe.
Zoran Sainovic: Do you want your X*Crown shot at Night of Champions with Kane, Kanyon, EC, and Velez protecting your ass – or you MAN enough to take it one on one? OVERHEATED! We have had WHITE HEAT long enough... we are OVERHEATED! Forget ze qualifier – you and me, ONE ON ONE for ze X*Crown. Without ze numbers, you don’t have a prayer!
Steve flashes a blood soaked smirk.
Steve Awesome: You want it At Overheated!? You Got it at Overheated. There is nothing I want more than the chance to kick your ass. I’ve already sacrificed a lot of blood, what’s an entire overheated tournament spot? Fine. IF you are still the champion I’ll put it all on the line just for the simple sake of making you bleed like I did.
Steve wipes his mouth and forehead and holds up a bloody index finger.
Steve Awesome: But if Bloodied Fox manages to punk your ass out and take your title then I don’t want any tricks! No bullshit! No hiding behind loopholes or twisting of words. It’s still you and me at Overheated!
Zoran Sainovic: FINE! And on ze off chance Fox takes ze belt off me first, well I’ll be ze GUNS representative for Overheated anyway. So if you’re so obsessed with keeping me from Night of Champions, well, I’ll just have to return ze favour. ...Just remember Steve, you brought zis on yourself.
Steve Awesome: Well isn’t that just perfect. If you somehow lose the title then I’ll just make sure I eliminate YOU from the tournament itself!
He smirked as he glared.
Steve Awesome: I may or may not have brought this on myself….but Big Boss Z, you can sure as hell bet that I’m going to end it!
Steve does a crotch chop.
Zoran Sainovic: ...Zen I guess ze only zing left to say- see you in ze ER.
The two men charge at each other- Awesome goes for a superkick, but Zoran ducks under the leg – turning it into a backdrop that sends Awesome over the railing – fortunately Steve grabs Zoran’s tie to take him for the ride.
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
Awesome and Sainovic both tumble headfirst thirty feet, not quite bouncing as they hit the concrete HARD.
Magnus: MY GOD! THEIR BODIES ARE JUST BROKEN!
Phillips: What a drop! Jesus. Let’s get some paramedics out here!
Magnus: Steve and Zoran in a bad way-
Phillips: And the date is set – but what kind of shape are they going to be in?
Magnus: Zoran worried about defending against multiple BANG Bros goads Steve into a one on one encounter. That's one way to get around Call to Arms! Title or not, their long awaited Hegemony rematch is going down at Overheated!
Phillips: Where they will finally kill each other, again!
Magnus: Fans – we are out of time! We’ll see you all July 9th for the Birthday Bash!
The final shot sees Awesome and Sainovic bleeding out on the floor, not moving.