Gun Show Season 3 Finale: Happy 21st XHF
Jul 11, 2022 13:33:36 GMT -5
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Post by Venom š· on Jul 11, 2022 13:33:36 GMT -5
GUNS Presents:
Happy 21st Birthday XHF
S3E14 The Season Finale
LIVE! Prerecorded From GUNS Arena in Atlanta, GA
Boom! Bang! Pow! Pyro blasts inside GUNS Arena and the crowd is hot for the season finale of the greatest show on the XHF Network. Theyāre loud and jumping around as we pan around. We see signs that read āWhatās the Main Event?,ā āSuper Sake Ruined My Life,ā and āTom Phillips Hit on Me.ā The camera cuts to ring side and Tom Phillips and Magnus who are dressed to impress for this huge event.
Magnus: Welcome to the Gun Show season three finale.
Phillips: Weāve got a big show to end the season highlighted byā¦
Magnus: Donāt blow it! Everything is a surprise tonight except for our first match up which has been building for the entire second half of this season.
Phillips: Thatās right. The Borgs returned looking to they their tag belts back but Off the Wagon made them jump through hoops.
Magnus: Yes they did and it all culminates here tonight, RIGHT NOW!
āAm I Evil" by Metallica hits the speakers and the stage fills with mist. Strobe lights go on all throughout the arena. Evil-Borg and Heavymetal-Borg come out together and Heavymetal-Borg is air guitaring to the music. They make their way to the ring throwing up the devil horns and threatening fans. They climb into the ring and Heavymetal head bangs until the match starts.
Phillips: No one really knows where the Borgs come from, but theyāre here and they want there titles back.
Magnus: Well, Tom, I spent pretty much all of season two with these gentlemen and I do know where theyāre fromā¦The AFTERWARD and they will do whatever it takes to get back.
Phillips: If the Tag Team Titles will do that for them their chance is now.
The lights drop down so that only the entranceway and the ring are illuminated as a deep, throaty, laugh not unlike that of Lemmy of Motorhead gargles over the PA system. However, just as soon as it started it is replaced by the treble-busting vocals of Freddy Mercury of Queen dropping a red hot ballad on yāall. Specifically, āPlay the Gameā by Queen. As the song persists, āThe Mental Killerā Kris āTriple Quakeā Quake and āThe Corn Snakeā Randy Angel- better known as Off the Wagon- walk out. Well, walk is being generous, Randy is stumbling drunk- still drinking from a flask- and Quakeās walk is more of a waddle since he appears to be trying to flex all several of his muscles at the same time. In Triple Quakeās right hand is a Stacker-2-based cocktail and in his left is a bottle of chewable vitamins. They slowly and sloppily make their way down to the ring. Upon entering it, Randy Angel goes up to a turnbuckle and throws up the referee sign for āfield goalā and Quake goes to the apron. Suddenly weāre bathed in way too many strobe lights while Triple Quake pours the vitamins into his mouth and chews, then drowns them in the cocktail. If you think this is probably not healthy at all- donāt worry because he SPITS THEM OUT ALL OVER! It looks like vomit as he makes an angry face and flexes at the crowd but whatever, this match is gonna start soon!
Phillips: The champs for some reason did not want this to come about.
Magnus: Theyāve faced just about everyone available here in GUNS, but you are right, they did not want to face the Borgs.
Phillips: Now they have no choice but to face the former champs. Itās time to go!
The lights to the gym shut off and the crowd begins to get on their feet in anticipation. The projection lights up on the main stage, showing the skyline of Atlanta and Ennio Morricone's "Ecstacy of Gold" begins to pour out of the gym speakers. Shots of Goldbear II trying to feast on salmon and cowboys riding horseback through the American West fill the projection. The crowd begins to sing with the music cheer for Goldbear II's appearances on the big screen. The final shot of "Ecstacy of Gold" has Goldbear catching and devouring a salmon in his mouth. Crowd massive pops for their favorite carnivore.
A lone harmonica for "Man with a Harmonica," by Morricone as well, begins to play while showing Goldbear II dining on a bloody feast of salmon. As the harmonica begins to the pick up and is accompanied by an electric guitar, Venom is shown in the video, and then James Mueller, and even Charlie Velez. It cuts back to Goldbear II and then action shots of Venom, Mueller and Velez. Eventually the song breaks down and goes right into "Out of the Black" by Royal Blood. More action shots of the Guns are shown before "THE YOUNG GUNS" come up in text on the projection. The "Young" flickers off and it now reads "THE GUNS."
The crowd pops as Venom and Mueller walk out in front of the projection and onto the main stage. The lights flash with every drum pop in the song. Both men look amped to be here and begin to walk down to the ring. Mueller jogs up the stairs to the corner of the ring and pauses on the apron. He sways a little as he approaches the middle of the apron, one hand on the top rope. He leans towards the crowd, looks out, shakes his head at them with a smirk on his face, and then throws himself through the middle ropes on his feet. He spins around on his feet with his arms out to bit of nostalgic cheer. He jerks his arms to his sides and then calms himself down. The duo makes there way around the ring and head over to the announcers table where they join Magnus and Tom Phillips.
Magnus: Oh my, welcome to the founders of this company.
Phillips: Itās great to be in the presence of such legends.
Mueller: Shut up Tom, I can see your errection.
Venom: Itās good to be back, but donāt touch me Tom. We donāt know where your hands have been.
GUNS Tag Team Championship Match
The Borgs vs Super Sake Presents: Off the Wagon (c)
The Borgs vs Super Sake Presents: Off the Wagon (c)
Both teams seem annoyed that the Guns would come out and steal their thunder, but ignore the distraction and prepare for battle. Heavy decides to start for his team and Quake for his. The two meet up in the center of the ring and Heavy taunts with an air guitar solo. Quake responds with a trip and takes heavy down to the mat. Quake tries to mount but the being from the Afterward quickly gets to his feet and scrambles away from the champ. Quake shoves heavy in the chest, but the Borg barely budged and responds with a shove of his own that sends the Champ back into the ropes. Quake springs back with another shove. With the rebound of the ropes behind him this one has enough force to push the rocker and he flies back into the ropes and rebounds himself. Quake drops to the mat and Heavy flies over him and hits the ropes on the other side. Quake lowers his head for a back body drop by Heavy slams on the breaks and kicks Quake square in the face and once again rocks the air guitar. Quake is pissed and explodes with a clothesline taking down the Borg.
Venom: Quake really looks good tonight.
Magnus: Itās the power of Super Saki!
Phillips: Yeah it has nothing to do with the years of wrestling experience.
Quake quickly pops up and tags in Randy. Randy hops over the ropes to try and get the advantage, but Heavy rolled to his corner and tagged in Evil Borg. The two fresh men meet in the center of the ring and lock up in a collar and elbow tie up. Both jockey for position but itās the stronger Evil who gets the upper hand and begins forcing Randy around the ring. Randy, feeling the pressure, quickly squirms out and drops the Borg with a drop toe hold. Randy mounts at Evilās side with a headlock. Randy pulls him up and begins to attempt the older brother noogies, but the Borg helmet makes it ineffective. Evil pushes Randy off and when Randy hits the ropes and bounces back Evil takes him down with a vicious lariat.
Mueller: I didnāt know Evil had it in him. We were trapped in the bunker and he spent the whole time cheering about being in the future.
Venom: AFTERWARD!
Magnus: Theyāre very particular about that.
Evil reaches down and grabs Randy by the hair and pulls him up by it and Randy responds with a poke to the eye holes of Evil. Itās ineffective, and so Randy thinks quickly and follows up with a thrust to the throat beneath the mask. This staggers Evil and Randy whips him into the Off the Wagon corner. Randy charges in and nails Evil with a back elbow to the side of the neck and tags in Quake. Quake jumps in quickly and also nails a back elbow to the neck of Evil. The then drops down and peppers the Borg with punches to the mid section. Quake tags Randy back in and holds Evil in the corner. Randy runs across the ring and taunts Heavy with his own air guitar before turning and charging towards Evil. Quake moves at the last moment and Randy jumps and nails Evil back first. Evil crumbles to a seated position and Quake tags in Randy. Quake doesnāt immediately exit and both Off the Wagon members head to opposite corners and run and meet at Evil with kicks to the side for Evilās helmet.
Phillips: Brilliant tag team work by the champs.
Venom: Iāve seen better.
Quake exits the ring and Randy pulls Evil out of the corner and makes the cover. One, two, Evil grabs the bottom rope. Randy adjusts and hooks that arm and covers again. One, two, Evil reaches out and grabs the bottom rope with his other arm. Randy slams the mat and pulls Evil out to the center of the ring and goes for the cover again, but Evil immediately kicks out. Randy slams the mat in frustration before getting up to his feet. He reaches down to grab Evil by the head, but Evil was playing possum and rolls Randy up in a small package. One, two, kick out by Randy. Randy quickly gets up and reaches down to grab Evil again and receives a poke to the eye for his effort. Randy grabs at his eye while Evil crawls towards his corner. Evil gets inches away, but Randy is up and grabs his foot. Evil gets up to his foot and hops trying to get closer and then lunges right out of his boot and makes the tag.
Magnus: Hot tag for the Heavy Metal king of GUNS.
Mueller: Youād be surprised at BEEFās playlist. He might be the real heavy metal king.
Randy stands in the center of the ring staring at the lone boot in his hand as Heavy leaps over the ropes and lays him out with a clothesline. Randy hits the mat hard and Evilās booth goes flying as Heavy continues running and nails Quake on the apron knocking him to the mat. Heavy turns back to the center of the ring where Randy is back to his feet and Heavy runs and flys taking Randy down with a flying cross body. Heavy rolls through and back up to his feet and drops a jumping leg drop. Heavy quickly bounces back up and hits the ropes and runs and gets great air before dropping a knee on the face of Randy. Heavy quickly moves to his corner and tags in Evil and both men climb up onto the top turnbuckle. They steady themselves and then Heavy leaps off with a splash while Evil leaps with a leg drop for the Borgian Blitz!
Phillips: This has to be it. What a maneuver by the Borgs!
Magnus: But whereās the ref?
Mueller: The old āI hurt my kneeā trick by Quake is going to extend this match.
Evil makes the cover but the ref is no where around. He is against the ropes checking on Quake who is grabbing at his knee. Evil tries to get his attention as Randy is out cold on the mat. Evil screams and screams but the ref is very concerned and calling for the ring side medic. Evil throws his hands up in frustration and turns around and pulls Randy up to his feet. Evil grabs Randy and sets him up for Domination (Angle slam) but Randy floats over and lands on his feet. Evil turns around to his opponent and Randy spits alcohol right into the face of Evil. Evil just reaches up and wipes the alcohol from his face and swiftly kicks Randy in the balls. The medical team has finally reached Quake and turns to see Randy doubled over with Evil standing across from him. Evil rolls him up and the ref drops one, two, three!
Winners and NEW GUNS Tag Team Champions: The Borgs
Mueller: Good on the Borgs. They deserve it.
Venom: They really do. Remember that one time they beat us for the XHF Tag Team Championships?
Mueller: Unfortunately. Remember when we won them back seconds later?
Venom: Good times.
Magnus: Yes they were. Excuse me guys, Iāve got an announcement to make.
Magnus gets up to his feet at the announcers table with a mic in his hand and smile as the excited crowd. He motions for them to bring the noise down and brings the mic up.
Magnus: What a start to the last Gun show of the season and congratulations to the NEW Tag Team Champions the Borgs. I didnāt know who the champs would be, but for this huge show I had a surprise made for the champs. Bring āem out!
Out walk two workers each carrying something with towels draped over to hide what is underneath. They make their way into the ring and stand in front of the members of the Borgs. Magnus motions towards them and the towels are removed and new belts lay before the new champs.
Each member of the Borgs take their titles and fall to their knees and clutch them in joy.
Mueller: Those are nice.
Venom: Really nice.
Phillips: Magnus outdid himself. Mustāve had Deelan do that for him.
Mueller: I think I want one.
Venom: Me too.
Both members of Guns get up from the announcers table. Mueller whispers to the time keeper while Venom grabs the ref and points to the ring. Both members of the Guns slide in the ring and the ref follows. The ref turns and calls for the bell.
GUNS Tag Team Championship Match
The Borgs (c) vs The Guns
The Borgs (c) vs The Guns
The Borgs stay in their knees clutching the belts not realizing what is going on and the Guns charge and nail each member of the Borgs in the back of the neck with vicious knee shots. They each cover theyāre respective Borg members and the ref makes the count one, two, three!
Winners and NEW GUNS Tag Team Champions: The Guns!
Phillips: That escalated quickly. I guess we have new new champions. Welcome back Guns.
The Guns retrieve the new belts and pose with them for the crowd before exiting the ring.
We see a security guard walk up to Goldbear II's door and give it a knock.
Magnus: This is it! Bear Necessities Title time!
Phillips: This night is just full of surprises!
The door bursts open from a Goldbear II paw slam! He roars and security looks on edge. They surround him and start walking as Goldbear II's music starts playing. Goldbear II starts to walk out of the room and turns to head in the wrong direction. A security guard goes to correct him and Goldbear II slashes at the guard's stomach with his claws, causing quick and immediate blood loss. The other guards quickly run away.
Phillips: Goldbear II really amped up tonight!
Magnus: He'll get here eventually, always does.
Goldbear II sniffs around the hallway and finds a picnic basket under a cage, being held up by a stick. He sniffs around the stick, then towards the basket, but only goes halfway past the stick. He the backs up and smacks the stick, causing the cave to fall with him outside of it. He roars in anger at trying to be tricked, when suddenlyā BANG!
Phillips: WHAT THE HELL!?
Goldbear II is speared through the production equipment boxes by former president Curtis Kanyon! Curtis stands up from the rubble.
Curtis: BANG! I'm coming for you Goldbear II and that Bear Necessities Championship! You're on notice freak!
Curtis stumbles through the debris as medical staff rushes over to check on Goldbear II.
Magnus: I've never needed medical staff for Goldbear II. We don't even have vets on staff.
Phillips: I can't believe the former President has just made.Goldbear II his next target! Can he even challenge for the belt?
Magnus: I uhā¦ I donāt knowā¦
Destruction
Former Alcoholic
Happy birthday XHF. Glad I was invited to celebrate your 21st. Itās a big one despite it being considered a ādrinkingā birthday which is insensitive to invite me to I truly am happy to be invited. No one invites me anywhere anymore. Like it wouldāve been nice to be invited to the 20th. That seems to be a bigger one for companies. Happy birthday!
Former Alcoholic
Happy birthday XHF. Glad I was invited to celebrate your 21st. Itās a big one despite it being considered a ādrinkingā birthday which is insensitive to invite me to I truly am happy to be invited. No one invites me anywhere anymore. Like it wouldāve been nice to be invited to the 20th. That seems to be a bigger one for companies. Happy birthday!
Magnus: Back in spring at our Earth Day special, we saw Junior Heavyweight Champion Nelly Angel taking on Blaze Freya ā she got the better of him, but fortunately for GUNS, it was non-title.
Phillips: Who wouldnāt lie down for Blaze?
Magnus: Classy as always Tom. But no one respects the Junior division more than Nelly ā I kept telling him to put on some weight, more money as a heavyweight ā but would he listen? The fool. So Nelly would never do anything to make the championship look bad, and you know heās just burning up - hoping to settle the score.
Phillips: See the burning sensation proves that he laid down for-
Realizing that unlike wrestling, venereal diseases are the one subject that Phillips can talk about for hours, Magnus decides to save the evening by throwing it to the ring.
Magnus: Having spared no expense for the XHF Birthday Bash ā I have brought in a very special guest ring announcer ā take it away, Hamburglar.
In the ring, McDonaldlandās Hamburglar is dressed in a black and white striped tuxedo. He looks down at his cue cards before addressing the capacity crowd.
Hamburglar: Robble robble!
The camera cuts back to the announce position, just in time for Magnus to slam his head against the desk in frustration. He would get the one that doesn't speak. The GUNS owner then rises to translate for the crowd.
Magnus: That's right, Hamburglar. Ladies and gentlemen, the following contest is scheduled for one fall, has a one-hour time limit ā and is for the XHF JUNIOR HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP!
Crowd: TITLES POP!
Hamburglar: Robble robble!
The arena darkens and fans erupt into loud cheers as āCollapsingā by Demon Hunter blasts through the speakers. Red, pink and purple lights flicker on and off in rapid succession creating a beautiful strobe effect over the stage as none other than The Blackpool Bombshell herself, Blaze Freya comes out from behind the curtain, walking backwards onto the stage with a charismatic strut.
Magnus: Entering first the challenger ā standing at 5ā6ā, weighing in at 125lbs, she comes to us from Blackpool, England ā please give a warm GUNS welcome for-
BLAAAAAAZE FREYAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!
Her black hood covers her lowered head until she spins around triggering the lights to brighten to reveal her gorgeous face as she removes the hood, headbanging with the fans a bit. She nods in approval hearing the roar of the crowd, feeding off of their excitement then rolls her shoulders a few times, sprinting down the ramp and sliding into the center of the ring, humping it briefly. Blaze then leans back on her knees running her fingers through her long black hair, flirtatiously winking at the nearest camera before standing up to her feet and walking back to her corner to await her opponent with a determined look on her face.
Hamburglar: Robble. Robble.
Magnus: And her opponent-
The guitar riffs starting out "La Di Da" by Jet ring out as out from the back walks Nelly Angel with the XHF Junior Heavyweight Championship around his waist. The defiant tone of the song is reflected in his face as he looks down to the ring and the audience, some of whom are holding "#NellyisaHeel" signs.
Magnus: Standing at 6ā, and weighing 180lbs, he comes to us from San Francisco, California by way of the frigid wastes of Canada- YOUR JUNIOR HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION,
PREPARE TO BE TOUCHED BY AN ANGEL, BECAUSE THIS IS-
NELLLLLLLLLLLLY AAAAAAAAANGEL!!!!!!!!
Once Nelly's done scanning the arena he shakes his head, chuckles and smiles to himself. The 20 year ring veteran makes his walk down to the ring, climbs the stairs, and from the ring apron climbs onto the turnbuckle and holds the belt up before jumping off the corner into the ring, ready to start things off.
Hamburglar: Robble.
Magnus: ...Why didnāt I spend the extra hundred for Grimace?
XHF JUNIOR HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP
NELLY ANGEL Ā© VS. BLAZE FREYA
DING! DING! DING!
Magnus: Thereās the bell, and having learned his lesson from previously offering Blaze a handshake ā instead we start things off with a lock-up.
While tied up, Blaze says something that makes Angel blush. Trying to focus on the technical aspects, Nelly is quick to muscle it into a headlock. Reaching up, Blaze runs her nails down Angelās back, digging deep enough to leave a mark. Wincing, Nelly keeps his arm wrapped tightly around Blazeās throat ā so that even as she makes a crude joke about his back looking like he visited a cathouse, he responds with a headlock takedown. Showing her flexibility, and quick to point this skill out, Blaze brings her legs up ā managing to twist out of the hold, while putting Nelly in some head scissors. Nelly rolls Blaze up for a makeshift schoolboy, hoping for a break, only to get a 1 count before Freya turns it into rolling head scissors. Getting his right arm through to try and guard against the choke, Nelly leaves himself open for it to be hooked ā Blaze transitioning into a triangle choke.
Magnus: Triangle choke, and Angel has to watch out ā Freya choked him out last time.
Phillips: I can only dream about what sheās whispering in his ear, but Blaze definitely has his number. Nellyās normally vanilla, but she has him blushing so hard that heās turning strawberry.
Magnus: Lack of oxygen means heās turning purple-
Throwing his weight forwards, Nelly pins Blazeās shoulders down for 1. She rolls through but keeps the choke on, so Nelly pushes forwards again this time for a 2 count. She again rolls through, but this time the ring position allows Nelly to grab the ropes. She waits for a four count before breaking. Never one to take advantage of a break, Nelly gives space, taking a respectful step back to let her get to her feet ā only to eat a pop up European Uppercut for his manners. Grabbing the right arm, Blaze fires him off hard into the corner ā charging after with a pele kick, not connecting as Nelly shoots in just as she gets airborne.
Magnus: Blaze going for a pele kick, but Nelly gets under it, and catches her-
Phillips: Since his defeat Angel has had a LOT of time to study Freya, I have to-
Magnus: TOMBSTONE PILEDRIVER!
Phillips: Iām just saying ā in Mexico ā Nelly is a heel!
Magnus: In case he ever puts on some weight, donāt let him hear that- cover-
ONE!
TWO!
Phillips: Big kickout!
Magnus: Nelly follows it up with a springboard body splash ā and another cover-
ONE!
TWO!
T-
Phillips: Blaze getting her foot on the ropes.
Magnus: Nelly now charging into the corner ā looking to finish this with an ON ANGEL WINGS!
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
As Angel charges up top, Freya pops up ā running after him. Catching him up top, Blaze takes him over with a super armdrag-
Magnus: SUPER ARMDRAG-
Only for Nelly to turn it into a flying armbar in midair!
Magnus: MIDAIR NELLY LOCKS IN AN ARMBAR! BOTH HITTING HARD, BUT ANGEL KEEPS IT LOCKED ON!
Phillips: Nelly was lucky that worked out in his favour, going for the On Angel Wings so early was reckless ā thatās how Blaze got him last time.
Magnus: I donāt blame him ā honour dictated that this rematch was necessary, but with Cruiserfest on the horizon? Neither champ nor challenger can afford letting this go to a broadway.
Phillips: Referee Stanley Sanderson asking Blaze if she submits and-
Magnus: Her response would make a sailor blush.
Having improvised it in midair, the hold isnāt locked in for the flash finish that Nelly fans are used to from flying armbars. Twisting through, Freya pulls Nelly into a knee strike ā then another one, before building up momentum for a third, which borders on a shining wizard. The impact of the last strike finally shakes Nelly loose from her arm. Both quickly scramble up to their feet, with Angel making it up first only to eat a kneeling uppercut. Blaze is clearly favouring her left arm, but trying to press the attack. Grabbing Nelly by the right arm, Blaze goes for an Irish whip only for Nelly to reverse it ā sending her into the corner hard. Seeing an opportunity, Angel charges in with a handspring elbow ā only as soon as he commits to the spring, Blaze jumps onto the ropes ā catching him with a springboard stunner. The acrobatic display and sheer force of the hold, leaves the champion slumped against the ropes. Looking to finish this, Freya charges into the corner with her patented spear-
Magnus: TORN!!!!!!!!
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Phillips: Freya always gets her ma-
Magnus: The champion with the presence of mind to leapfrog over, and Blaze instead spears through the ropes ā tumbling out to the concrete floor!
Phillips: That is going to leave a mark. But she rocks it! So hot.
Magnus: WHOA NELLY-
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Magnus: FLYING LEG LARIAT TO THE OUTSIDE!
Phillips: He might have caught Blaze, but he landed on the concrete too! Is he looking to cripple himself before Cruiserfest?
Magnus: Unlike some of our other titleholders - Nelly is a real champion, going all out in this defense. Don't let his underdeveloped size fool you, he's all heart! And if the flash photography is any indication, the GUNS faithful approve.
Stanley Sanderson makes it to a 4 count before Nelly slides Freya under the bottom rope. He quickly follows her in with a slingshot elbow strike to the inside ā which gets a 2.6 count before she grabs the ropes. Blaze once again starts trash talking in a sexually explicit way that seems to be getting under the championās skin. Pulling her hand away from the ropes, Angel nails a double knee armbreaker. Before Freya can tell him she likes it rough, Nelly continues to work the left arm ā a wheelbarrow arm drag taking her away from the safety of a rope break. An arm wringer gets a 2.8. Switching targets, a butterfly suplex gets 2.9, but Freya some how manages to kick out. Dragging her closer to the far side of the ring, Angel nails a snap suplex to set her up in the corner.
Phillips: Space Flying Tiger Drop!
Magnus: So close Tom, that was a snap suplex. The champion setting Blaze down close to the corner, and going up top-
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Magnus: SHOOTING STAR PRESSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
Phillips: YES!
Magnus: MISSES! Blaze somehow with the presence of mind to roll out of the way, and Nelly just 360ād his way to a face plant!
Phillips: HE IS OUT COLD! YOUāVE GOT THIS, BLAZE! Finally a champion that can end this sausage fest! Which is oddly the only holiday GUNS doesnāt official celebrate!
Magnus: Blaze gets an arm on Nellyās chest...
ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TWO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THREE-
Phillips: HURRY IT UP, REF!
Magnus: Nelly managing to get a shoulder up! Undeterred, Blaze slumping back on top of him with the left arm covering-
ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TWO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Magnus: Still prone and barely conscious, Nelly with a Mongolian chop down on Freyaās left arm. Enough force to cause her to retract her own pin.
Phillips: That is so mean.
Magnus: Nelly hurt himself badly with that shooting star ā but digging deep to stay in the fight.
Holding his face in agony, Angel starts to sit up. Favouring her left arm, a furious Blaze jumps into the ropes, catching Angel before he can rise with a springboard moonsault. 2.4. A curbstomp underlines the frustration. This is followed by a double stomp, but rather than go for the cover, Freya drags Angel up for another Irish whip.
Magnus: Freya again going for the TORN!!!!!
Phillips: Sheās going to break him in-
Magnus: AGAIN Angel with a leap frog over-
Phillips: FOOL ME TWICE. Blaze putting on the breaks. Nelly turns around just in time to eat a-
Magnus: PHENOMENAL FOREARM!!! Sadly using the left arm, Blaze looks like she felt that as much as much as Nelly!
Staggering away, holding her arm in pain ā when she turns back, Nelly hooks it ā looking for an ipponzei. Having the move scouted, Freya drops to her back, letting her arm go slack, as she brings up her legs-
Magnus: EAT DEFEAT!!!
ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TWO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THR-
Phillips: Nelly with a kickout! Poor Blaze. What does she have to do?
Magnus: Blaze didnāt sign up for Cruiserfest, so if she takes the title ā she would also be taking Nellyās spot. Icing MISTER Junior Heavyweights out of the premier Junior event? Angel is NOT going to make it easy- itās gonna take-
Phillips: TORN finally connects!!!!!!!!
Magnus: Yeah, thatāll do it-
ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TWO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
THREE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Magnus: Nelly Angel again managing to get a shoulder up, an inch away from a new champion!
Phillips: Blaze has had enough, going for the- name?
Magnus: Blaze Freya lifting Nelly Angel up for THE BLAZEBUSTER-
Phillips: HERE SHE GOES!
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Blaze starts to lift Nelly up for a deadlift brainbuster, only for the champion to shift his weight ā wrenching her neck back, and turning it into one of his devastating Tornado DDTs...
Magnus: Wait Nelly has-
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
Having seen Nelly kill with that Tornado in countless tapes, Blaze keeps spinning ā past the optimal impact point. The two tease falling, but keep tumbling in a circle. Claws again digging into the back as she tries get her neck free ā spinning out, the circle continues until she manages to wind up behind the champion. Her good right arm shooting under the neck of the champion, to bring the death spin to a crashing halt!
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
Magnus: THE BLACKPOOL BLACKOUT!
Phillips: YES!
Magnus: That rear naked choke is how Blaze beat Nelly last time-
Remembering that painful night, Nelly frantically reaches for the ropes ā only for Blaze to use all of her 125 pounds to drag him back, pulling them both down to the canvas. The more versatile technician, a gasping Nelly shifts his weight upwards, forcing Blazeās shoulders down to the canvas.
Magnus: Nelly looking ready to pass out, but turns it into a cover-
ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
TWO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Phillips: No chance, there is no one in the XHF more flexible than Freya, who manages to get her should up ā while keeping the choke locked in.
Magnus: If only he weighed more, he could have made it stick. Nelly fading fast- looks like history repeating.
Reaching up, Nelly grabs the wrist of the left hand on top of his head ā then suddenly jerks it down against his shoulder. The snap is vicious enough that it almost looks like it could break bone. The pain causes Freya to loosen her right arm under the neck, but then she reapplies pressure. Not giving in, Nelly continues to crank the bruised left arm down, using his shoulder to leverage into a makeshift armbar.
Magnus: Nelly managing to get one arm loose, which he now has-
Phillips: Blaze still has the choke on, NEW CHAMPION!
Magnus: Itās just a question of which gives fir-
DING! DING! DING!
Winner and STILL XHF Junior Heavyweight Champion: Nelly Angel!
Magnus: HE DID IT! Blaze Freya tapping out!
Phillips: To avoid having her arm broken. Nelly thinks he's such a big man!
Magnus: If he was going to black out, that was the only option ā but Nelly had been working that arm since the start, and itās good to see his strategy pay off. Weāre just waiting on the official announcement.
Nothing.
Magnus: ...
Phillips: ...
Magnus: ...Hamburglar, thatās your cue.
Hamburglar: Robble? Robble, robble!
Magnus: Why me? UH, THE WINNER OF THIS MATCH, AND STILL XHF JUNIOR HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION-
āMISTER JUNIOR HEAVYWEIGHTā
NELLLLLLLLLLLLLLY ANGEL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Stanley Sanderson returns the championship to Nelly Angel, who poses for the appreciative crowd.
Magnus: There you have it- Nelly Angel makes sure that it will be GUNS entering Cruiserfest as champion!
Phillips: I bet Blazeās self-esteem is pretty low right now. Maybe I can cheer her up?
Magnus: Focus Tom.
Phillips: ...Now theyāre tied at a win a piece ā when will we get our tiebreaker?
Magnus: Well, when Nelly wins Cruiserfest and then goes onto crush SCCW, his next defence will be in REIGN. So I have no doubt these two will meet again, but tonight? The champ came out on top.
Phillips: Well I donāt mind admitting that I am spent after watching that match. I could sure go for some carbs, Magnus.
Magnus: Finally something we can both agree on, might as well have dinner during this commercial break... wait... where did our dinner go?
Hamburglar: Robble, robble!
Magnus: GET BACK WITH MY BURGER YOU CARCINOGENIC KLEPTOMANIAC CARB JONESING BASTARD!
Hamburglar runs out of the arena, pursued by a hungry Magnus.
In the ring, the Junior Heavyweight Champion continues to pose for photographs - proud of his war, but recognizing the cost. Tissue around his neck already starting to bruise, Nelly just hopes he can recuperate in time for Fired Up.
We are backstage in the GUNS Arena, and Rob Arnold is making his way in from the car park, heās on the phone although itās not clear who he may be talking to.
Rob Arnold: No, I shouldnāt be too long, besides Iām not sure I want to leave Riley alone for too long, you know how he getsā¦Listen Iāll call you back.
Arnold ends the phone call rather abruptly because standing in front of him is Magnus.
Rob Arnold: Magnus, are you waiting for me?
Magnus: Yes. Well, noā¦Well I was waiting for somebody else but I was hoping to see you as well.
Rob Arnold: ā¦Okay. Well can you make it quick, whatever it is? Iāve only turned up to check-
Magnus: Oh youāre not going anywhere tonight, Rob. You remember the outcome of your trial?
Rob Arnold: I tend to forget my rare ratings failures.
Magnus: Still, I know you donāt like to leave things unfinished.
Rob Arnold: Clearly Iāve never told you about the faction Kuroi, MGK and I almost put togetherā¦
Magnus: Iām not going to let you distractā¦Wait, really? No, another timeā¦Bottom line Rob: You were conditionally allowed back providing you attended mandated therapy. Mandated, that means-
Rob Arnold: Yes, yes, I know what it means, but does it have to be tonight?
Magnus: ā¦Yes.
Rob Arnold: ...Why?
Magnus sidesteps the question.
Magnus: Anyway, I was actually waiting for the therapist I found you, heās a top, top guy, has a British wife, so knows how you guys think, Iāve brought him in from Seattle and everything!
Rob Arnold: Iām going to ignore the British jibe for a moment because Iām conscious that you brought in a television personality before to do the trial, and whilst my pop culture is a little hit and miss, why have I got a sinking feeling that the guy youāve brought in is this guy?
Rob taps on his phone a couple times and shows Magnus the following picture:
Magnus steps back, shocked.
Magnus: How did you know?
Rob Arnold: Oh for fuckās sake Magnus, this is David Hyde Pierce, heās just an actor.
Magnus: No heās Niles Crane! Oh, and I think heās here, be cool, be cool!
Arnold turns around as a man gets out of his car. As he approaches, both Rob and Magnusā expressions shift, itās clearly David Hyde Pierce, but father time hasnāt been too generous to him, and Magnus is trying come to terms with this.
David Hyde Pierce: Good evening gentlemen, Iām David, I was looking for Magnus?
Magnus: Thatā¦thatās me. Thanks for coming, Niles.
David Hyde Pierce: No, no, Iām David. I played a character called Niles-
Magnus: Arenāt all just playing characters, though?
Rob Arnold: Hoo boy..
Hyde Piece turns to Arnold.
David Hyde Pierce: Is he the individual Iām doing the scene with?
Arnold laughs.
Rob Arnold: Scene? No, no that honour will be mine, but uhā¦I think you two should probably talk, because I think thereās been a bit of a communication breakdown, all on Magnusā part, but Iāll leave you to it for now.
Arnold pats Magnus on the back.
Rob Arnold: Let me know when Iām needed.
With his sarcasm hitting the spot, he leaves the pair, Magnus sheepishly looks at Hyde Pierce and slowly clears his throat.
Magnus: Soā¦David, let me explains what youāre going to be doing tonightā¦
Fade out.
At the entranceway, Magnus walks over to the far part of the ramp ā pulling down a curtain to reveal a massive birthday cake ā at least twelve feet tall.
Magnus: HAPPY BIRTHDAY XHF!!!!
The crowd start an XHF chant, as the GUNS owner makes his way into the backstage area...
No sooner is he through the curtains than-
Unboxed Ken: I donāt suppose you kept the container that cake came in-
Not even slowing down, Magnus walks past the Unboxed One, trying to avoid being pulled into a conversation by the future Hall of Famer.
Magnus: Donāt even start with me, Ken. Every time a wrestling event has a birthday cake, someone gets thrown through it!
Unboxed Ken: Iām not hungry... I just need a box to sleep in-
Magnus: No. We have Mongo coming here tonight. This is my chance to get in his good graces and get the book back from Sainovic. I can't work with that monster for another season. Everything has to be perfect. I even ordered a SECOND God damned cake just in case the first one gets ruined. There is insurance in place, sure, but I donāt need you ruining the cake trying to figure out the best place to feng shui a couch in its cardboard box!
The two head down the hallway towards Magnusā makeshift office. Zoran has the nice one. Even the broom closet with a star on it isnāt a safe haven, as Wombat waits outside with a teenage boy.
L.A. Wombat: Magnus! I wanted to introduce you to my eldest, Wombat Junior. We were hoping we could get him a try out match for season 4.
Magnus: Looks just like you. You know me, L.A., the more wombats the better... but now that Venom is back? He didnāt take too kindly to you pretending to be possessed by his damned soul, and telling everyone he was burning in hell.
L.A. Wombat: Doesnāt ring a bell. Certainly doesnāt sound like something Iād do...
Magnus: Blacked out the experience? If only we all could. Well, Iāll try to square things with Venom over the break and get Junior here set-up, but canāt give you an answer tonight.
L.A. Wombat: That's all we ask, thanks Magnus!
Nodding politely, Magnus starts to enter his broom closet.
Unboxed Ken: You move any crates out of there when you-
The door slams in Kenās face. If he was wearing a box on his head, that might have broken his nose. As the Unboxed One catches up with his tag partner and god son, the camera pans further down the hall where the XHF Gobbledygooker is trying to keep a low profile. At least as low a profile as a multicolour giant turkey can get.
āRedmond Fury!ā
Dirty Byrd: WHAT, w-where?
A small child walks up to the bird.
Sweat Shop Child No Older Than Seven, Tinto: I think that Redmond Fury is the greatest. My friend Pablo says that he is here tonight, and I am looking to get his autograph.
At the news of Furyās presence, the bird gets increasingly anxious and wild eyed.
Dirty Byrd: Trying to give me a heart attack, kid? How did you get back here anyway?
Tinto: I am an XHF superstar. Perhaps you have seen me in CAR, mister turkey?
Dirty Byrd: You are? Hey ā do you want a phoenix title shot?
Tinto: Phoenix? Like the bird that comes back to life? So I could use it to rescue my poor mother from the afterlife, as she is definitely dead?
Dirty Byrd: Sure, kid. That is definitely how it works. Iāll look forward to your challenge-
Byrd offers Tinto a handshake.
XHF PHOENIX CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH
Dirty Bird Ā© vs. Tinto the CAR Orphan
No sooner does the small child accept the wing, then Byrd shoves him to the floor for an awkward pin. XHF Shockmaster pulls referee āBlindā Stubbs away from the catering table, and shoves him towards this makeshift āmatch.ā So visually impaired he might not be aware that this is the backstage area, Stubbs promptly makes the count. 1. 2. 3.
Winner and STILL XHF Phoenix Champion: Dirty Byrd!
XHF Shockmaster: Whoops! The winner of this match and STILL Phoenix Champion, MY BOY BYRD!!!
The small child bites Byrd, forcing him to let go.
Tinto: NO FAIR! You cheated! I thought this was in the ring-
Dirty Byrd: Cry me a river, brat.
XHF Shockmaster scoops up the irate seven-year-old and throws him in a trashcan; closing the lid to muffle the curses. The noise that Tinto makes does drag Magnus out of his office.
Magnus: WHAT IS GOING ON OUT HERE! Weāre running a super card, not a kindergarten.
Dirty Byrd: OH. Hey Magnus, I just made my OFFICIAL defense for the month! See you next season-
Magnus: Thatās nice, Byrd. But this is the biggest GUNS show of the year ā and even though I hate his guts, the fans demanded it, so TONIGHT you WILL defend the title against Redmond Fury!
The cheers of the arena echo through the backstage area at this announcement.
Dirty Byrd: Preferential treatment for your spouse? You canāt do this!
Magnus: I just did! And when Fury gets that strap off you, nothing will stand in my way from worming into Mongoās good graces and getting Sainovic off my show! So prepare to face the music, Byrd ā because tonight we finally get to see just how you beat Fury for that title!
āDo we?ā
Magnus turns a pale white as a familiar voice hisses behind him.
A plastic mask holds his face in place, black straps digging into his hairline to maintain form. Even then, half of the face is heavily bandaged from his orbital bone fracture. Left arm in a sling, cast applied and gauze abound ā the commissioner even seems to be limping around with a cane, but the X*Crown champion refuses to acknowledge just how much damage Bloodied Fox and Steve Awesome have done to him.
Zoran Sainovic: Who made zat match?
Magnus: I did- I AM THE OWNER-
The commissioner smiles coldly at this effort to undermine his authority.
Zoran Sainovic: It seems to me zat if Byrd already made his mandatory defence, it would give Fury an unfair advantage.... if we forced our feathered friend to wrestle again.
Dirty Byrd (raising arms in victory): YES!
XHF Shockmaster places a hand on the shaking trashcan, to hide the nature of Byrdās first opponent.
Zoran Sainovic: Besides... Fury already has a match tonight... against Dinosaur Bones.
Once again, the cheers of the arena echo through the backstage area at this announcement. Pleased with himself, Byrd starts to stalk away from the management confrontation.
Zoran Sainovic: And ze WINNER will challenge Byrd at Night of Champions!
Byrd falls to his knees, a doomed man.
Dirty Byrd: ...Why do bad things always happen to nice people?
Before Magnus can add his two cents, another voice booms out.
āI hope you brought quarters, 'cause itās ON like DONKEY KONG!ā
A luchador with the face of a gator stomps down the hallway with a large photograph in his hand. Security, backstage personnel, technical crew, and guest wrestlers all crowd around the craft area as Florida Man stomps up to the injured Zoran.
Florida Man: OH SNAP, apparently this here 'gator owes you a Pabst Blue Ribbon for winning him the Junior bling.
Zoran Sainovic: Youāre welcome. But I only drink Hitachino Nest Re-
Florida Man: Think again, butthorn! You gotz all these sheeple fooled into thinking your mother lovinā Florida Man didnāt beat Bloodied Fox! Like my title run was as big a conspiracy as pants. Hells to the no! That was just another head game for your crippled old ass to play on Foxy, BUT now no one believes I was champ.
Zoran Sainovic: In fairness, you werenāt much of a champ.
Florida Man: You aināt taking this from me. EXHIBIT A!
The deranged Floridian holds up a photograph from the end of Sainovicās SVETA NOÄ promo. The image shows the two men hanging out backstage. In the promo, it looks like Sainovic has just finished wrestling Fox dressed as Florida Man and is handing the junior title to the fraudulent winner.
Florida Man: Drawing a blank. That aināt new though, as I huff a lot of airplane glue. Testors represent, yo! But when I chickity checked this out like it was a hot blonde riding a mobility scooter at Walmart, if you know what I'm sayin', it got my little grey cells firing up like a dang Hemi. And my brain is all: "Yo Florida Man, word up dawg? You and that lisping douche played tag back at J-RoKās RAMBLE OOOOOOOOOOON. So couldnāt this video have been taken then, and the ancient jerk just lied about the dates, ruining your substantial credibili~taye to play head games with the Fox?" And I'm all "FUCK YOU BRAIN, that old dude is my friend." But... it is what it is...
Zoran Sainovic: Given how much I hate Fox, wouldnāt it make more sense to denigrate him by letting ze world zink you actually won? All Iām hearing are wild acquisitions.
Florida Man: Seven points. Point the first. If you look closely at the picture, youāll find that ALL of the tech dudes are Japanese. That donāt mean its J-RoK, but there are more Asians in that picture than there are in the entirety of Philly.
Fireside burn.
Florida Man: Point B. If you look at the strap, youāll see it aināt MY Junior title but this-
Reaching behind his back, Florida Man produces the PCW Primetime Championship ā throwing the belt in Zoranās face.
Florida Man: Apparently I only had two points. Crystal Math was never my best subject. Still, this title proves means my brain was right - and like a bad penny, you just canāt get rid of this Primetime-
Zoran Sainovic: Son of a-
Florida Man: Now, my boi Fox has clearly left you half a man, fractions and shit, so as soon as you heal up, you gots a date with a gator-
Before the Floridian can finish, Zoran uses his functioning hand to break the cane across Florida Manās throat. The force causes the YTA champion to stagger back into a corner where Off the Wagon are drinking away their worries.
Florida Man: Have it your way, Boss Hog! Yo fellow J-RoKers time for our GUNS invasion!
...
Unfortunately, Quake and Randy are too drunk at this point to know where they are, let alone assist the Florida Man in gang beating Zoran. Which is a shame, since it would have really helped their Sabbath Bloody Sabbath chances. The Floridian should have brought Sky Force...
Even with one arm, Zoran starts to pepper Florida Man with vicious right jabs. Never one to back down from a fight against a person who might be physically disabled, because he's inclusive like that, Florida starts throwing haymakers of his own.
The two men brawl wildly, as the hallway gets more crowded with collateral damage looking for a good view of the war. Trying to push through the bodies, the cameraman leaves himself open to a Darwin Award which Florida Man chucks at Zoranās head- unfortunately, Zoran ducks- leaving us with-
STATIC.
Magnus: Wow! Jesse is a mad man!
Phillips: That was incredible. When he did that thing, oh man.
Magnus: That was cool, but when he did the thing with the thing, chefs kiss.
We cut to a small office within the GUNS Arena, Rob Arnold sits in a chair, and David Hyde Pierce sits opposite him. Robās lack of appreciation for being there is evident, arms folded, scowl stamped on his face, and an almost too clichĆ© heavy sigh whilst the actor known for playing obsessive-compulsive psychiatrist Niles Crane, takes some more notes.
David Hyde Pierce: Okay, so Iām going to ask you a very important questionā¦You know Iām just an actor, right?
Rob Arnold: I do.
David Hyde Pierce: Oh thank goodness for that. That man, Magnus? He really couldnāt grasp this, and honestly? Heās probably in need of a session or two with a real shrink.
Rob Arnold: Oh, we know. But listen, can we get on with this?
David Hyde Pierce: Agreed. So Iāve had a look at your background and I have to say, youāre quiteā¦wellā¦
DHP is clearly trying to tread lightly.
Rob Arnold: Iām an asshole? Is that what you wanted to say?
David Hyde Pierce: The tone suggests youāve been called that beforeā¦
Rob Arnold: I have...regularly.
David Hyde Pierce: And why do you think that is?
Rob Arnold: Itās pretty self-evident, David.
Arnold scoffs dismissively.
Rob Arnold: Iāve constantly said the things people donāt like to hear, I know, sometimes you could just say nothing, but thatās not my nature, I grew up in an area where you cut the bullshit and told things as they are. Sadly, that doesnāt fly anymore, so I become the bad guy. Despite the good I do nowadays, I brought The Academy together, I support a number of Network projects, but seemingly thatās not enough for some people.
David Hyde Pierce: But, equally you haveā¦broken peopleās bones and it says here ābecause you couldā?
Rob Arnold: David, in this industry if you have a mouth like mine you need to back it up.
Point Arnold on that one. Time for another approach.
David Hyde Pierce: Youāre clearly frustrated, youāre body language is hiding thatā¦
Rob Arnold: Yes well, right now, a twenty-one-year-old manchild is about to find out that Iām not where Iām meant to be, and the consequence of that is heās going to be left alone with Goldbear II. Iām not going to lie to you David, thereās a fifty-fifty chance a young man may die tonight.
Flash cut: Earlier today
Riley Richards is sat on a sofa with Goldbear II sat opposite him, a table in between. On the table is a chess set. Goldbear II inspects it, before brushing it off the table, before growling at Richards.
Riley Richards: Okay, so no to chessā¦how about Monopoly?
Riley Richards is sat on a sofa with Goldbear II sat opposite him, a table in between. On the table is a chess set. Goldbear II inspects it, before brushing it off the table, before growling at Richards.
Riley Richards: Okay, so no to chessā¦how about Monopoly?
Rob Arnold: But I digress, David. I am frustrated, Iām struggling to find my place here anymore, within the Network, recently somebody told me I havenāt been relevant since 2008, which I thought was a little harsh, 2018? Sure. But thatās four years, and what have I been doing since then? Combine all these other incidents that have landed me in this chair and I begin to wonder if this is as fun to me as it used to be. I try little bits here and there to re-ignite my passion to fight. Thatās why Iāve joined the fight club, Iām hoping that smashing Dylan or Jasonās face may remind me of something, bring some form of spark back.
Arnold pauses.
David Hyde Pierce: ā¦but?
Rob Arnold: But I donāt know if itāll work. I guess all I can do is try.
David Hyde Pierce: Well, fortunately, youāre going to get more than just the fight club to find out.
Rob Arnold: ā¦Excuse me?
Hyde Pierce leans over and hands him a note.
David Hyde Pierce: Rob, let me say that itās been fascinating to listen to justā¦how unhinged you are once you cut past skin deep, but Iām afraid the pair of us have had our time wasted tonight. Magnus wanted to pass a message on to you, and heās used me as a front to get that message to you.
Arnold reads and his expression sours even further.
Rob Arnold: Iām going to be the GUNS representative at End of Days?
DHP nods. Arnold reads the note again, he looks ready to explode. But, curiously he sits back, takes a deep breath, and smiles. He jumps out of his seat and extends his hand to the actor.
Rob Arnold: Thanks for your time, David. Apologies again that Magnus isā¦wellā¦Magnus.
David Hyde Pierce: Uhā¦thanks?
They shake hands and Arnold exists, leaving Hyde Pierce perplexed but relieved that there were no repercussions for him. We fade out.
Reeshi
Mongos wet dream material
Happy birthday XHF. Man 21. If the XHF is 21 how old does that make me. Hey, isnāt the 20th usually the one celebrated? Why wasnāt I invited to do this for that? What do you mean budget was slim? Mongo has never been short on cash. Whatever fuck this Iām out of here. Happy birthday.
Mongos wet dream material
Happy birthday XHF. Man 21. If the XHF is 21 how old does that make me. Hey, isnāt the 20th usually the one celebrated? Why wasnāt I invited to do this for that? What do you mean budget was slim? Mongo has never been short on cash. Whatever fuck this Iām out of here. Happy birthday.
The lights in the arena shut off. The only thing that we see is the flashing of Brad Kane highlights on the video screens. As the highlights fill the screen, āAnd I Return To Nothingness" by Lorna Shore blares into the arena. The crowd gets to their feet yelling along with the lyrics.
"From the earth we will return
An inevitable fate
The undeniable truth
The paragon of life
Return to the earth
I shut my eyes and world drops dead
I lift my head and all is born again"
Lights go crazy as Brad Kane steps out onto the stage with that smirk on his face. He stands in the strobe lights feeling the energy of the arena pump through his body. Brad inhales before yelling out a war scream pyro exploding. The lights kick back on while Brad Kane begins his walk to the ring. Upon reaching ringside Brad hops up onto the ring apron. He stays there a moment to stare at the crowd before entering the ring. Kane goes to the corner heading up to the top turnbuckle. He yells out that same war scream as before, jumping off and doing the same on the opposite side of the ring. From there he stretches to the ropes while the song fades away.
PHILLIPS: Brad really doesnāt seem to be taking things too seriously here tonight.
MAGNUS: Whereas, Spike Kane is looking to commit a homicide.
The lights go out, and a buzz begins to build in the arena.
āYEAAAAHHHH!!!ā
Pyros explode all around the stage as I Prevailās āBodybagā kicks in and the crowd lose their minds. Four large flames erupt, two either side of the entrance.
āThere's a million fucking reasons that you got it bad
But everybody's leaving in a body bag, go
Save your problems for somebody else who gives a damn
'Cause you won't find me waiting at your promised land, no
Oh, you think you got it bad?ā
The flames all die out as one and plunge the arena into darkness once more, before a flash of Spikeās eyes shows on the screen and red and green strobe lights begin to flash wildly.
āI'm telling you to bite down and face it
You're never gonna do much or change shit
When all you say is, "Fuck that and fuck this"
Don't let them save you from yourself
Lights out, embrace it
Your heart is beating faster, it's racing
As we go on and on and on and onā
The strobe all focus towards the entrance and turn white at the same time.
āOh my god..
Just SHUT YOUR FUCKING MOUUUUUUTHHHHHH!ā
A huge pyro explodes in the middle of the entrance before Spike Kane steps through the flames
āBring it, oh
Only one of us gets through; two in, one out, and it's not you
Run for your life, there's nothing you can do, oh
Necks snap when I show up, I say one word, and it blows up
Run for your life, I'm taking what's mine, and your time has comeā
Brad Kane vs Spike Kane
Master of Horrors Den
Spike doesnāt waste any time, throwing his ring jacket to the ground on the ramp and storming towards the domed barbed wire and steel structure. As soon as he steps off the ramp and through the door onto the ringside steel plates, the referees close the barbed wire wrapped steel door, completing the domes look of black steel bars and chains, wrapped in barbed wire, with an assortment of weapons hanging from the chains. The ring itself is surrounded with those same steel bars and chains as the āapronā the bell rings, as Brad smirks at Spike, and Spike snarls, head forward staring right through his brother.
RANDY: This is going to be something youāre not going to want to miss.
PHILLIPS: Both of these men have made a legacy over the years for being involved and often winning some of the most barbaric and violent matches this business has seen.
MAGNUS: Yeah, but they always find a way to make it personal.
RANDY: It doesnāt get more personal than twin brothers trying to end each other.
The buzz in the crowd is building to a high as the two brothers begin to square off. Brad is mocking Spike, talking shit, but Spike just stares solemnly at his brother. They inch closer and closer Spike mouths to Brad āYou wanted thisā a look of almost sorrow in his eyes, before Brad Kane spits right into the face of his twin brother, the crowd reacts with a loud āoohā as Spike wipes the spit from his face.
MAGNUS: The disrespect!
RANDY: As if we didnāt see it coming.
Spike snarls before firing a huge right at Brad, who retaliates with one of his own, and now the too absolutely unloaded right after right after right, just wailing on each other, each shot landing, completely unprotected. The animosity between the two doing more than throwing caution to the wind as they just fire shot after shot before Spike outright headbutts his brother right in the nose, causing Brad to stagger a second, which gives Spike just enough time to grab the younger sibling and launch him off the ropes.
PHILLIPS: A Belfast Kiss from Spike.
RANDY: Hey, that seems a bit borderline racist.
MAGNUS: Oh god not another lawsuit.
PHILLIPS: Heās from belfastā¦.thatās what they call a headbuttā¦
As Brad comes back off the ropes, Spike lifts him up, going for the Blood Godās Wrath to try and end things quickly, but as he pops Brad up for the pop up powerbomb move, Brad manages to dropkick Spike in the face, forcing him to fall backwards, and on the way down Brad nails Spike with a double footstomp. The move takes the wind out of Spike, as Brad rolls to a knee a few feet away from his brother. He slowly rises to his feet and spots a kendo stick not too far from his reach. He heads to the turnbuckle and climbs up to the top rope, carefully putting his hands between the barbed wire, to reach up and pull the kendo stick off of the roof.
RANDY: The fun is about to begin!
MAGNUS: At least this shit will be contained.
Spike is back to his feet and turns to see Brad pulling the kendo stick off the roof. He begins to charge across the ring as Brad launches off the top rope, Brad swings for Spikeās head, but Spike ducks underneath, sliding to a knee and using both hands onto the turnbuckles to stop him from slamming into it. He turns to go after Brad only to receive a huge body shot from the side as Brad Kane sends a huge THWACK echoing around the arena. Spike doubles over and staggers forward before Brad sends another one down on Spikeās back, once, twice, three times, forcing Spike down to a knee. Brad then takes a few steps backwards to bounce off the ropes and come back, positioning the kendo stick so that it is between his foot and Spikeās head as he connects with an enziguri.
PHILLIPS: The way Brad used the kendo stick, he was trying to end this right here.
RANDY: I mean, Iāve never seen anyone do something like that for any other reason Tom, thatās not exactly the best insight.
MAGNUS: Heās out of line, but heās right.
Brad, grabs his brother by the hair, Spikeās almost lifeless body flopping around, before Brad positions the kendo stick into the mouth of Spike Kane and pulls back in a modified crossface, trying to pull as hard as he can to cause as much damage as he can to Spike. Spike tries to claw at the kendo stick, to try and pull it out off his mouth, release the pressure a little. As Brad tries to all but break his brothers head in half, Spike moves his head backwards as he pushes forwards as hard as he can on the kendo stick, causing Brad to move forward into Spikeās backwards moving head, and it connects right into Bradās nose again, causing him to drop the kendo stick and roll to the side holding his nose.
RANDY: OH! WHAT A CONNECTION!
PHILLIPS: Did you hear that pop!?
Spike crawls away from Brad, reaching for the ropes, as Brad looks at his hand to see blood is coming from his nose. He pulls himself up in the corner using the turnbuckle, but as he walks along the rope a few steps and turns around Spike comes storming across the ring with the kendo stick in hand, leaping through the air and clocking Brad right on the dome and sending him over the ropes and onto the steel plates hard. Spike follows Brad out onto the steel ringside stomping at Brad a few times. He goes to pull Brad up by his hair, but Brad Kane sends a stiff low blow to Spike, causing him to let go of his hair and almost fall forwards, but Brad uses the momentum to send his brother face first into the barbed wire wrapped steel walls of the dome. Spike slams into the wall, and slowly falls backwards, the barbed wire tearing at his flesh.
MAGNUS: Oh that barbed wire cuts so easily.
RANDY: Neither man is going to be the same after this.
PHILLIPS: Now whoās talking obvious and full of clichĆ©s?
RANDY: Tom I will feed you your testicles unless you shut up.
Brad breathes slowly, as blood pours from his nose and down into and around his mouth, dripping from his chin. Slices and cuts begin to appear all over Spikeās front, arms, and face. Brad looks up above him and notices a bag of train spikes. He grins still breathing heavily, he walks around the outside of the turnbuckle to grab a ladder before bringing it back. It hits Spike in the torso with it twice before setting up the ladder. He climbs up to be able to reach the bag of train spikes hanging from the ceiling. Just as he unclips the bag, Spike outright boots the ladder from underneath Brad, forcing him to fall downwards, Spike catches him and launches him with a jacknife powerbomb into the wall of the Master of Horrors Den! Brad hangs for just a split second as the barbed wire digs into his back, shoulders, hips, arms and legs, before he slumps to the ground the barbed wire now having taken a fair share of each Kane siblings flesh. Brad drops the bag, and the train spikes fall out.
PHILLIPS: Brad Kane is being torn to shreds!
MAGNUS: Itās almost like Spike is deliberately trying to spill blood.
RANDY: Ha!! Itās probably a sacrificial ritual or somethingā¦.
PHILLIPS: ā¦..
MAGNUS: ā¦.
RANDY: ā¦.oh.
Spike seems obsessed with the spikes as they litter the floor around him. He grabs one of them, and turns the blunt end around, before mounting Brad, and raining down a few shots on the head and face of Brad screaming āYou want to end me!? HUH? HUH!?ā blood begins to trickle from the right eyebrow of Bradās face where Spike had been connecting, before Spike climbs off of his brother, and heads towards the opposite corner, grabbing a table and throwing it into the ring, he then heads to the big reel of barbed wire on the opposite side of the ring to Brad. He climbs into the ring, and begins to wrap the barbed wire around the table. As he does this Brad is getting back to his feet, just as Spike is finished, he vaults over the ropes into a slingshot lariat, taking Spike down.
RANDY: Bradās trying to mount a comeback.
PHILLIPS: He caught Spike offguard.
Brad drags Spike to his feet, forcing him back against the table, arching his back into the barbed wire. Spike shouts out in pain, and Brad chops him across the chest once, woo! Twice, woo!, Three times, woo! Four, five, six, seveneightnineten. They couldnāt keep up, just a bunch of wooās Brad then turns to climb the turnbuckle, but as he gets to the top, Spike roars as he pulls himself free from the table, charging towards the turnbuckle. He clobbers Brad in the leg causing him to stumble. He then climbs the turnbuckle, sending a few shots to the back of Bradās head. As he reaches the top with him, Spike lifts Brad up into the airā¦.AND NAILS A SPIKE IMPAILER OFF THE TOP ROPE AND THROUGH THE BARBED WIRED WRAPPED TABLE!!!!
PHILLIPS: DEAR GOD IN HEAVEN!
MAGNUS: HOLY SHIT!
RANDY: WHAT THE SHIT!?
Both men lay in the broken mess of wood and barbed wire, blood covering most of their upper bodies. The referee doesnāt begin the count yet, as both men are down, and there HAS to be a winner. Slowly, but surely, after about 30 seconds, Spike begins to crawl from the wreckage, dragging himself free of the barbed wire mess. He breathes deep as his body is all but covered in cuts and gashes. He lifts himself in the corner and tells the referee to count.
ONEā¦.
ā¦ā¦TWOā¦
ā¦ā¦THREEā¦
ā¦..FOURā¦.
ā¦.FIVEā¦.
Almost like a scene from a zombie movie Brad Kaneās hand reaches out of the rubble, as he begins to pull himself clear. Spike, cocks his head, looking more pissed off than anything.
ā¦.SIXā¦.
ā¦..SEVENā¦
ā¦ā¦EIGHTā¦.
Brad begins to pull himself up to his feet in the corner, while Spike has gone to grab the bag of train spikes.
ā¦..NINEā¦..
Brad pulls himself up just in time to beat the ten count, as Spike throws the refilled bag of train spikes into the ring, they scatter as Brad looks up to see Spike across the ring from him having stepped back in.
MAGNUS: Iām surprised both of these men are still standing.
RANDY: I donāt know how they are *hic* Iām notā¦
The two of them take deep breaths and begin to charge towards each other, they start to unload just like they did at the beginning, but the fire and intensity in Spikeās eyes, and the damage taken from that devastating Spike Impaler are showing as for every hit Brad lands, Spike hits three. As Spike reels Brad with a particularly well connected shot, he sends a kick right to the balls of his brother before hitting him with the THUNDERSTRUCK!!!
PHILLIPS: This could be it!
MAGNUS: Spike looking to put an end to this.
The crowd are on their feet for this match, as Spike picks up a train spike and holds it high into the air and a huge roar explodes from the fans. Spike stands over his brother, one leg either side of his torso, before he looks down at Brad smirking, he roars with anger before slamming the train spike right into Brad Kaneās shoulder! Brad screams out in agony and swings wildly for his brother, trying in vain to do anything to redirect that pain back at Spike, but Spike lifts another one into the air, and now the crowd are going insane.
RANDY: WHAT IS HE DOING!?
PHILLIPS: SPIKE KANE IS EXACTING YEARS OF REVENGE!
MAGNUS: ā¦..we sanctioned thisā¦.oh fuck.
Spike spits right into Bradās face before SLAMMING the train spike into the other shoulder! Brad screams out as both shoulders are now pinned to the matt with train spikes. Spike walks away, looking at the referee. āFucking countā he sneers at the referee, who begins to count, while Brad shouts out and flails about kicking his legs, blood filling the area around him.
ONE!
TWO!
THREE!
FOUR!
FIVE!
SIX!
SEVEN!
EIGHT!
NINE!
TEN!!!
The referee calls for the bells as Brad lays there, barely able to remain conscious, while Spike leans on the ropes, his own blood loss taking a toll but leaving a picture of pure sadistic joy. The referee holds his arm in the air as āBodybagā begins to play again, but Spike just stares at his brother. He move forward, sneering, he looks down at the blood around Brad, before pulling a lighter out of his pocket. He wipes some blood from his chest onto his hands, and draws a pentagram in the blood next to Brad, before putting the lighter to the blood, and all underneath Brad a flame spreads before a large pentagram engulfs his body in flames, and as Brad screams out a similar looking portal opens up, and as Brad falls through it, the flames go out and the portal close. Spike drops to a knee, breathing deeply, stone facing the act heād just committed before I Prevails āBodybagā hits the speakers once more and he rises to accept the roars and cheers from the crowd.
Winner of this match and CLEARLY the better brother: SPIKE KANE!
PHILLIPS: ā¦.well, Spike Kane wins..
RANDY: AND THEN SENDS HIS BROTHER BACK TO HELL!
MAGNUS: Soā¦.it wasnāt a sacrifice, but an exorcism!?
RANDY: Letās just say yes!
PHILLIPS: Spike Kane played a part in the season three premiere of the GUN Show, and he pledged to deliver a gift of blood for the finaleā¦.and he came through.
Spike begins to slowly back up the ramp, the domed structure having being raised now, and workers trying to clean up the ring. He raises his arm into the air, blood caked hair sticking to his face and all, before heading backstage.
Congo the Destroyer
Illegitimate son of Mongo
We know, we didnāt want to think Mongo had sex either
Happy birthday XHF! Canāt believe itās been 21 years. What I really canāt believe is I havenāt been invited back as a wrestler. I was the longest reigning X*Crown champion and I only get invited to do this? Am I still the longest reigning champ? I donāt actually watch the product.
Illegitimate son of Mongo
We know, we didnāt want to think Mongo had sex either
Happy birthday XHF! Canāt believe itās been 21 years. What I really canāt believe is I havenāt been invited back as a wrestler. I was the longest reigning X*Crown champion and I only get invited to do this? Am I still the longest reigning champ? I donāt actually watch the product.
We return from the commercials as Dylan Black stands in the ring, microphone in hand.
Phillips: What? No entrance for this guy?
Magnus: He's a jerk! Why should I give him more time than the 3 seconds he asked for.
Dylan: Wow. Just one year ago today I was lacing my boots and wrapping my fists for one of the biggest fights of my life. The very first in-ring encounter for the Pillars of Violence. Myself, Jesse, and Spike main evented the big Birthday Show. And the season that followed, was a pretty great one. I could spend an hour recounting every great moment this season had, but let's be honest Magnus would set Goldbear II on me and I'm not keen on giving that away on free TV.
He winks.
Dylan: But seriously. We took a night to remember Venom, God bless him. I defended that punk bitch Magnus from getting HIS arm stolen! Regretting it now because I'd love to see how deep your patheticness runs, you piece of trash.
Magnus: Steve would have gotten away with it if it wasn't for you meddling around!
Phillips: I remember it being the other way around. You meddled in his affairs.
Dylan: Let's see. I fought for the X*Crown and lost because Magnus likes to change rules without telling half the people contracted. Got a taste of Greg Adkins and I wish I could wash that out of my mouth. But... there's been one unresolved plot point this season. One little thing that's been bugging me. And dammit I'm gonna let it bug me no longer. Someone has called me out through various matches with sneaky comments designed as meaningful commentary.
Beat.
Dylan: VENOM-POSSESSED-WOMBAT!
POP!
Dylan: GET YOUR ASS OUT HERE!
Phillips: Oh man! The match we all have been waiting for!
Magnus: These two have come to blows on numerous occasions but this will be the first time they meet in a sanctioned match!
There's a pause as we wait to see who shows up, before...
MEGA POP!
Phillips: HE'S HERE!
The intro to the GUNS' theme song plays, and it's just a moment longer before VENOM HIMSELF SHOWS UP! ...wait, Venom? Venom just kinda stands on the stage, confused.
Venom: Uh... I don't know who you are, or who Wombat is, but I'm not possessing him. I am in fact very real and very much... confused I guess.
Dylan just shakes his head.
Dylan: Is this how we're gonna play? Send out a bunch of people from the crowd so you can sneak up on me? Tell me Venom, how much did you pay this guy to stall for you? A hundred bucks? Two hundred? Are you even worth that much?
Venom: Magnus actually pays me.
Dylan: I didn't ask you, you bane of GUNS. I don't want you. I want the REAL VENOM!
Venom looks dejected and leaves.
Dylan: Now, Venom-Possessed-Wombat. You come out now, or I'm going to come back there and beat the possession out of you.
A few moments of silence, before Wombat himself comes out.
Wombat: Look man, I don't know what beef we had while I was, ya know, under the nonconsensual possession of Venom. But how about we talk it out like adults and put this behind us?
Wombat gets into the ring, hand outstretched to Dylan.
Wombat: For the sake of a budding friendship?
But Wombat is holding out his right hand... the hand that Dylan is missing. Dylan's eyes narrow. AND HE ROUNDHOUSE KICKS WOMBAT'S HEAD CLEAN OFF HIS SHOULDERS! WOMBAT GOES DOWN LIKE A SACK OF BRICKS AND DYLAN KNEELS DOWN.
Dylan: Well good thing Tomo lent me books on demonic possession.
Dylan drops the mic and opens his hand, where a large red rune appears and begins to spin on his hand. Dylan chants in an ancient tongue and the rune glows, spins, and sparks. Wombat's eyes roll into the back of his head and begin to glow red.
Possessed-Wombat: YOU DARE CALL UPON THE SOULS OF THE DAMNED TO TEST YOURSELF IN COMBAT? PREPARE TO FACE THE WRATH OF THE MIGHTY... CHRISTINE!
Dylan: Shit. You're not Venom! Get outta there!
Demonic Venom: YOU WILL BURN!
Dylan Black vs Possessed possibly by Venom L.A. Wombat
DING-DING!
DING-DING!
Demonic Venom crawls across the ring as Dylan's fight or flight kicks in. And right now Tomo's advice is really looking good right now. Dylan rolls out of the ring but Demonic Venom levitates over the top ropes and begins to morph into this demonic, evil, gross-looking creature. As if Lady Dimitrescu had significantly less sex appeal. He lunges at Dylan, his hands morphing into giant claws that stretch out to Dylan but he ducks dips, and dodges his way around all sorts of swipes and stabs from Demonic Venom. He makes a straight stab at Dylan but the camera cuts to a shot of the crowd, cutting back as Dylan has grabbed the arm but throws it away and lands a few strikes to the side of Demonic Venom!
Magnus: Yeah! Keep doing that!
Phillips: Wait, are you actually cheering for Dylan for once?
Magnus: God no. I'm paying the camera crew to not record the show and play shots of our beautiful crowd in Atlanta tonight!
Phillips: But you have a mega match like this on the air! Why now record it?
Magnus: Less Dylan on-air equals less money I pay him, duh.
Demonic Venom flashes his twelve-inch claws... Christine has clearly manicured them, but the bejeweled pattern does little to put Dylan's mind at ease as they dig into his gut. Christine laughs in an ancient hardcore dialect as her nails drip in blood. Dylan's blood. Dylan puts his hand to the gashes on his side and groans before trying to cauterize the wound. Demon Venom laughs as Dylan sits there stopping the blood pouring from his gut.
Demonic Venom: YOU CAN'T CLOSE EVERY WOUND I GIVE YOU! I'LL SLASH YOU TO PIECES!
Dylan: You will try!
Dylan turns his hand to Demonic Venom and unleashes a stream of lightning from his hand and we get a close-up of his deranged face.
Dylan: FEEL MY POWER!
We cut away as the crowd looks away, bright lights flashing. We come back to Demonic Venom blocking with his hand and the lightning stops before Dylan runs at them with a dropkick that sends them up close to the announce desk.
Phillips: Uh, Magnus. Wanna get Spike here to help exorcise this demon back to hell?
Magnus: Naw, Dylan started this. he's gonna end it.
Demonic Venom clotheslines Dylan and they battle back to the ring. Demonic Venom lifts Dylan up high in the air and throws him into the ring post, his head bouncing off like a badly thrown dart at a dart board. Dylan slumps on the floor as Demonic Venom raises his hand, claws outstretched. We don't see what happens but red blood covers the crowd like the Brood just gave them a blood bath. They scream and gasp in horror as Demonic Venom slashes and strikes Dylan. The camera shows Dylan with a large cut across the forehead, maybe Christine's special nails create extra blood for dramatic effect. Demonic Venom laughs before retracting the nails, grabbing Dylan by the throat and lifting him to his height. Snarling as his tongue dances around his mouth, even licking up the side of his face for extra gross points. Even Phillips is gagging at this.
Demonic Venom: CARE FOR THE QUICK DEATH OR A LONG, DRAWN OUT PAINFUL ONE?
Dylan: I... was just about to... ask you the same!
Dylan grabs the side of Demonic Venom's face and unleashes a devastating lightning blast to the side of his face! Demonic Venom screams and we see the electricity crackle through his head, bright blue against the pale skin of the demon. Demonic Venom drops Dylan and holds his face, the side charred and smoking. Dylan runs up to the front row of fans, diving into the sea while Demonic Venom is distracted. Christine's beautifully manicured nails slide out with a satisfying "SNIKT!" Demonic Venom turns around and looks around, not seeing his prey anywhere. He steps over the barricade and the fans separate in front of him, mostly for fear of being next.
Demonic Venom: EXCUSE ME. PARDON. NEED TO FIND MY LUNCH. THANKS!
Phillips: Are we sure Dino Bones didn't possess Wombat?
Magnus: I mean it's a possibility for sure.
Dylan: HEY! OVER HERE!
Demonic Venom spins around and the entire GUNS arena parts like the red sea, showing Dylan with a makeshift slingshot and every piece of silver jewelry in a pile beside him.
Dylan: Say hello to my several little friends!
Dylan unloads a barrage of silver trinkets onto Demonic Venom, who hisses and howls and slashes away at each item. But a few slip past his defenses and strike him, burning away at his skin. But it's not doing too much to help their situation. A patron walks over hands on hips and staring down at Dylan.
Concerned Mother, Who Certainly Won't Perish: Are you sure this will work?
Dylan: Trust me. I saw this in a movie once. And the remake. Silver jewelry will destroy demonic entities.
She rolls her eyes and walks away as Dylan grabs a giant clump of silver and flings it at Demonic Venom. Creating a small hole in his chest! Demonic Venom screams and clutches at his chest, eyes rolling back in its head as it collapses, over the guard rail and back into the ringside area.
Magnus: By god, Dylan did it. He killed Demonic Venom!
Phillips: And just in time! Really thought he'd be toast for a moment there.
Dylan stands up, collecting the silver jewelry and returning it to its owners. He doesn't notice a fried, hole Demonic Venom sit up ala the Undertaker. He gets to his feet and levitates over the crowd, a long hand grabbing Dylan by the throat.
Demonic Venom: OH YOU THINK A FEW MEASLY TRINKETS COULD FINISH ME! YOU SHOULD HAVE RUN AWAY WHILE YOU HAD THE CHANCE!
Demonic Venom tosses Dylan farther back into the crowd. They make a gap for the warriors to fight in, Dylan rolling in from the toss and Demonic Venom levitating behind him.
Demonic Venom, doing his best Shang Tsung impression: YOUR SOUL IS MINE!
He points with a long, long finger.
Dylan: Sorry, sold it to mosler for this match.
Dylan jumps to his feet and runs at Demonic Venom... who nails a leg sweep. Dylan hits the ground hard but isn't ready to give up yet. He pushes to his feet and Demonic Venom nails another leg sweep! Dylan grumbles and gets to his feet and Demonic Venom ducks for a third sweep. Dylan hops up!
Dylan: Ah! Gotcha... oh fuck.
...but Demonic Venom feigned a kick and as soon as Dylan touches down he is swept off his feet once more!
Magnus: The demon who is fighting Dylan is a fan of Mortal Kombat I see!
Phillips: That dastardly leg sweep combo! Such a trip.
Dylan pushes Demonic Venom back and the camera cuts away as Dylan lets out a guttural scream. Cut back to see Demonic Venom knocked to the ground, feeling dizzy. Dylan begins to wander the crowd again, searching for people with cups.
Dylan: Soda... soda... you snuck alcohol in, pretty cool... you're a minor, who gave you alcohol... finally. Someone with taste here.
He takes the cup from the fan, puts it on the group, and waves his hand over it. It glows blue as he looks up to the sky, closing his eyes and reciting a quiet incantation. He looks down at the swirling crystalline drink, smiling before picking it up and walking toward the fallen Demonic Venom.
Dylan: Well it's been fun playing, Venom. But I'm ready to finish this.
Demonic Venom opens his eyes as the cup of liquid pours over his face. The screams from him are ear-piercing and unsettling, as he holds his face and gets to his feet, running away from Dylan. Dylan jogs after him, clotheslining him over the barricade. The camera cuts to a wide shot of outside and comes back to Dylan tossing a body into the ring. Gasp! It's Wombat! Wombat is free of his possession and stares up at Dylan, scared for his life!
Phillips: That must have been holy water! Of course!
Magnus: Alright, come on! The show is almost over!
Phillips: I'm pretty sure we have more screen time.
Magnus: I just want Dylan out of here.
Wombat, on his knees and begging: Please... have a little mercy.
Dylan, with a cold expression on his face: Mercy is for the weak.
Dylan uppercuts Wombat so hard he literally flies out of his shoes! Wombat hits the ground and Dylan covers him to end this sequence.
ONE!
TWO!
THREE!
Winner: Dylan Black!
Magnus: Oh thank god that's over.
Magnus: The winner of this match, Dylan Black!
Magnus: For a second I was scared we'd have a giant demon parading around during Season 4.
Phillips: Good thing Dylan got it under control.
Magnus: And more importantly, we technically didn't give the match away on free TV!
Phillips: There seems to be some trouble by the entranceway-
Magnus: What- OH NO!
Phillips: How long have they been going at it?
Magnus: SECURITY!
Up by the entrance ramp, a one armed Zoran Sainovic is brawling with Florida Man.
The two champions are covered in gore, suggesting a truly epic battle which we would have all been witness too if I wasnāt already writing other matches. But this was going to be special. Trust me!
There is an audible bump, as Magnus drops his headset to race up the aisle.
Phillips: Florida Man and the commissioner still brawling away, close enough to that giant Birthday cake that Magnus has just left the announce position. I've never seen him move so fast.
The twelve-foot āHappy Birthday XHFā cake sits precariously close to the entrance ramp edge. Zoran Sainovic almost closelines Florida Man into the dessert, fortunately thatās the arm that is currently in a sling.
Phillips: The X*Crown champion being hampered by... well, basically having been murdered by Bloodied Fox and Steve Awesome, but still holding his own against the... pride of J-RoK.
Zoran throws a right hook, but Florida Man matrixes under it ā a move that sees the gator mask lean into the cake. His head smudges the h. Itās still good though. FML then tries for a discus punch which just cuts the frosting of py in half. The two continue their wild brawl-
Magnus: STOP THAT YOU MORONS! TAKE IT TO THE RING!
The GUNS ownerās request for a new venue is greeted with a knife to the gut from Zoran; fortunately itās a plastic knife that couldnāt cut paper. So it only really hurts. So desperate for the evening to be a success to sell with his usual passion, Magnus fights through the pain. The GUNS owner continues to throw his arms up trying to protect the cake, as Zoran and Florida Man bleed over everything in the process of their ultra violent donnybrook.
Magnus: Work with me. Just two feet that way-
Both men punch Magnus, causing him to fall backwards - almost into the cake. Fortunately he manages to break his fall; unfortunately he grabs the icing of the B ā pulling it down until it looks more like a U.
Phillips: Magnus desperately trying to stop the commissioner and masked lunatic from ruining the festivities. Heās picked his hill to die on, and itās a sugary one.
Ducking under a Mindblower attempt, Zoran hooks his one good arm around Floridaās neck, locking in a makeshift Conditionizer.
Phillips: CONDITIONIZER!!!!
The rolling guillotine choke sees Zoran fall backwards... into the cake-
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
Really serious about making the event go well, Magnus throws his weight between the two men and the cake, trying to act as a wall-
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
Only for all three to slide into the base, disappearing under a mountain of icing. The rolling further erodes the on-point message that Magnus had carefully laid out, making the letters fall apart or take on new shapes.
Phillips: Florida Man drowns in giant novelty cake is definitely a headline I can see coming out of the Tampa Bay Herald!
MONSTER POP!
Phillips (channelling Susan Saint James at WM2): Uh oh.
Magnus slowly crawls out of the cake. Why are the audience cheering? Magnus looks up.
Mongo has stepped out of the backstage, and is inspecting the cake.
Magnus: Greetings Mongo. Happy Birthday! I hope you see that we can handle things here without the need of an outside commissioner and- uuuuuuugh.
The āHappy Birthday XHFā Letters have been messed with until they read:
āFUCK MONGOā
...Well that's no good.
Yelping like a tiny dog that has just been kicked by Michael Vicks, Magnus is quick to push the cake off the side of the entrance. Star talents and all. It falls a good twenty feet before exploding in a tidal wave of frosting and gore.
Both Florida Man and Zoran Sainovic are left broken, bloody messes in the creamy center. Despite the richness of the icing, no protection is provided, and their bodies bounce off the concrete floor.
Phillips: ZORAN AND FLORIDA JUST TAKEN OUT BY MAGNUS! He was already on his last legs. The Champ definitely didnāt need further damage going into Overheated.
The bodies twitch, almost as badly as the vein in the side of Magnus' forehead.
Magnus: ...Of course, that was just a STUNT CAKE, Mongo! I can definitely run a birthday party- er- wrestling federation on my own. So I ordered TWO cakes, to show you how important this XHF anniversary was too me.
Limping as a bid for sympathy which is not forthcoming, Magnus goes past Mongo to the other side of the entrance ramp... where another giant curtain has been drawn.
Magnus: FEAST your eyes on this!
Magnus pulls the curtain down to reveal-
The most delicious birthday cake youāve ever seen!
...If you ask the goat that is standing where the birthday cake should be.
Magnus stammers, hoping this is all a horrible dream.
Basic Goat: Bah.
Not helping matters, Unboxed Ken runs out of the back.
Unboxed Ken: THATāS THE GOAT THAT ATE MY HOUSE! MONGO - GET 'EM!
Face turning a shade of red never before known to man, Mongo the Destroyer mutters a curse before turning.
Mongo: Never again.
Despite Magnusā whimpers, Mongo storms out.
Unboxed Ken: Was it something I said?
Magnus starts to cry, wishing he was dead.
Thirty feet away from this tragic scene - below the risen stage, paramedics check on the X*Crown champion ā when Zoran Sainovic wakes up, itās fair to say that Magnusā wishes will be granted.
We cut to what looks like a boiler room, the place is dark, thereās pipe and metal everywhere, and the camera slowly pans around until we find a man tied to a chair, heās clearly been knocked out and is just coming to, thereās a cut on his head which you can safely assume is what prefaced him being there. The camera moves in, and it becomes clear that the man is David Hyde Pierce.
David Hyde Pierce: Wā¦where am I?
Rob Arnold: Ah good, youāre awake.
Rob Arnold walks in and gets on one knee so he can speak to Hyde Pierce at the actorās level.
Rob Arnold: Iām sorry about this David, you seem like a nice guy, but you lied to me. Sure, Magnus is to blame, and heāll get his at a later date. Thing is, if Iām going to take Fight Club seriously, if Iām going to take End of Days seriously, I need to take myself seriously once again, and that brings me back to a dark place. Unfortunately, David that means I need to make the sort of statement that saysā¦
Arnold turns his head, looking directly at the camera.
Rob Arnold: XHF Network, none of you are safeā¦
The camera feed cuts, and after a beat of silence, David Hyde Pierce screams, before the sound cuts as well.
Mongo the Destroyer
Owner. Used to be much fatter.
Happy birthday XHF. I still remember the day I took you over like it was yesterday. You know, this is a bad idea. I shouldnāt shoot this before the show because if Magnus messes this up Iām never coming back.
Owner. Used to be much fatter.
Happy birthday XHF. I still remember the day I took you over like it was yesterday. You know, this is a bad idea. I shouldnāt shoot this before the show because if Magnus messes this up Iām never coming back.
Magnus: Up next fans, is a number one contenders match and your MAIN EVENT! We have been joined by a very special guest commentator, Elvira!
Elvira: I was told this was a dream match, and Iām sure one of these men will have unpleasant dreams!
Magnus: With any luck, Fury! At Cruiserfest 2021, Redmond Fury made a solemn oath to Dinosaur Bones to help the dracolich lose enough weight to compete for the junior heavyweight title. Come weigh-in, the undead dinosaur was in for bitter disappointment. Giving up on Junior action, the dinosaur went to CAR. Whether it was Lord Dominicus getting into his mountās ear, or not, Bones turned on his personal trainer and close friend. The two having an epic battle for the Phoenix title in a gymnasium brawl!
Phillips: Donāt forget it took the combined efforts of Fury, Wombat, BLOBBY and Greg Adkins to barely squeak out a win over Bones.
Magnus: To say there were serious questions about Furyās ability to compete against Bones in a one on one setting would be an understatement.
Phillips: But it didnāt end there- at Supremacy 2022, Bones again challenged Fury for the Phoenix title ā and consumed several Fury impersonators. Everyone thought Bones was well on his way to the gold, when he was eaten by a bear.
Magnus: No one can prove our bears ate him. They tried to prove it, but there wasnāt enough evidence.
Phillips: To listen to Fury, him and Bones then spent four months inside the bear ā with Bones hunting the champion for food.
Magnus: More like Fury ducking him! But no more running! Tonight we finally put this rivalry to bed, inside a steel cage!
Phillips: There is nothing that Fury wants more than to get revenge on Dirty Byrd and reclaim his Phoenix championship. At the same time, there is nothing that Bones wants more than to eat poultry. Both of their desires rest at Night of Champions, but only one of these men can face Byrd ā which leads us to this number one contenderās match.
Magnus: The only way to win is to escape-
Elvira: Hang on; I thought the point was for Fury to prove he could beat Bones one on one? How is he going to do that, if the winner runs away?
An awkward pause.
Phillips: Magnus, this cage is a specially reinforced cage. Because an ordinary cage would never have stopped something like 10 ton, Dinosaur Bones. He would have just gone straight through the sides of a normal cage. Look at the size of that, that beast, that one side theyāre bringing in. Itās taking six men to carry it.
Magnus: Elvira, does this cage at all look like your house?
Elvira: It looks like one of the rooms of my house, yeah Magnus.
Magnus: The one with all the bats in it.
Elvira: The one ā hahaha- yeah, something like that.
Magnus: While they set up the card, lets look at some pre-recorded comments we caught from the participants.
The camera cuts to a grey backdrop sporting the āGUNSā logo. Tom Phillips and Redmond Fury then step into frame for a two shot.
Phillips: Standing next to me, the longest reigning phoenix champion ever, Redmond Fury. He now has a chance to regain the title at Night of Champions, but one thing stands in his way. Red, this will undoubtedly be your toughest challenge to date. It has been said that you may not be 100% fit after your X*Crown match, and that Dinosaur Bones has a psychological edge on you ā having allegedly hunted you for months inside a bear... now this is a STEEL CAGE, how do you feel?
Redmond Fury: Well you know something Pervy Tom, there are a lot of rumours going around man, that the Buckeye Bruiser is all busted up and laid up. SO WHAT! This is for Night of Champions. We been living this GUNS Fury Road thing one day at a time, and now that we have so many believers, so many new generations that follow, itās gonna live forever! So Pervy Tom, even if I had to crawl to the ring with one good arm brother, Iād STILL climb in that cage, man. Still stand tall like a man. And as far as that long, slow, rolling ride in that coffin ā so-called ambulance ā Iāve been thinking about it night and day brother. The way I feel about the animosity, the way I feel to address this, when I step in that cage WITH THE WHOLE WORLD WATCHING MAN, XHF BIRTHDAY BASH 2022, GUNS Fury Road Fever running wild around the world... I kind of feel sorry for Dinosaur Bones. Iām gonna take all those feelings of him, slap those feelings around, take away his pride man... and put the pride back in my phoenix challenge. Cause Iām climbing out of that cage, Iām gonna win that match, Iām gunning for Byrd, and all I can hope for is Lord āThe Weaselā Dominicus ā PLEASE stick your nose in my business.
Phillips: I know I speak for everyone when I say good luck to you tonight.
A star wipe takes us from Fury to a light blue backdrop, again sporting the āGUNSā logo, only this time Magnus is standing with the massive dracolich and his diminutive partner in crime.
Magnus: This is Magnus backstage at GUNS arena for XHF Birthday Bash, coming at you with Bad to the Bone. Lord Dominicus, this has got to be the biggest day of your life.
Lord Dominicus: This is the biggest day of my life. Iām the most proudest man walking the face of this earth. Because in some very short time right now, I am going to be the man that is going to be packing the gold. Thatās right, Iām going to be packing the Phoenix championship belt ā in this dinosaurās luggage. Phoenix champion of the world, Dinosaur Bones.
Magnus: Before Bones can feast on Turkey, heās gonna have to get through the musclehead. Now Dinosaur Bones ā Iām worried. Iām the man who tells it like it is, Bones, and Iām worried that this is a cage match. Your beautiful face is on the line in there.
Dinosaur Bones: WELL MAGNUS WORRY NO MORE, āCAUSE YOUR FEARS ARE TOTALLY UNFOUNDED. YOU KNOW, IT HAS BEEN PROVEN BY HISTORICAL FACT THAT EVERYTIME DINOSAUR BONES AND THAT FLESHLING REDMOND FURY GET IN THE RING TOGETHER, THAT ITāS REDMOND FURY THAT WINDS UP LAYING THERE HELPLESS, LIKE A FISH OUT OF WATER, AND ITāS REDMOND FURY THAT WINDS UP BEING CARTED OFF TO THE HOSPITAL. TONIGHT AINāT GONNA BE NO DIFFERENT, FURY. FIRE UP THE AMBULANCES, GET THEM READY TO GO, CAUSE FURY IS GOING TO THE HOSPITAL AGAIN. AND LIKE THE MAN SAID, LORD āTHE BRAINā DOMINICUS SAYS ā THE GREATEST MIND IN PROFESSIONAL SPORTS āIāM GONNA CRUSH FURY, EAT BYRD, AND BE THE NEXT PHOENIX CHAMPION OF THE WORLD! AND IT DOESNāT MATTER WHO LIKES IT ā REDMOND FURY DOESNāT HAVE TO LIKE IT, THE MANāS GOING DOWN, YOU KNOW ITāS LIKE WE SAY ā BAD TO THE BONE ā YOU DONāT MESS WITH US. THATāS RIGHT. DOMINICUS THE BRAIN, DINOSAUR BONES, WEāRE THE NEXT PHOENIX CHAMPIONS OF THE WORLD! WEāRE THE DOMINENT FORCE IN PROFESSIONAL WRESTLING, RIGHT DOMINICUS?
Lord Dominicus: You know the doctors in Atlanta put Redmond Fury back together again. Well I donāt know if heās back together 100%, but the doctorās tonight, are going to have their hands full. Cause heās going to be put in different pieces. Cause there can be only one person feeding on Byrd at Night of Champions, and his name is Dinosaur Bones! Get used to it! No more Fury Road, no more Fury this, Fury that, itās BONES Road from now on! THE WORLDāS BIGGEST, AND STRONGEST, AND TOUGHEST CHAMPION the world of professional wrestling has ever had. And itās my privilege to manage that gentleman.
Magnus: Well I have to tell you this, the man who tells it like it is, I believe that Bonesā ready, I believe Redmond ā you are in for the fight of your life.
Dinosaur Bones: MAGNUS WEāRE GONNA TURN THIS TOWN ON ITS EAR, FLESHING. WHEN I WALK OUT OF THAT CAGE AND SEE FURY LAYING THERE, ATLANTA LOOK OUT!
Lord Dominicus: Night of Champions here we come!
Magnus: Sounds good to me!
Another star wipe takes us back to the arena, where the cage has been constructed.
Elvira: Hello Iām Elvira, here at GUNS Arena, starring at this giant steel cage.
Magnus: Pervy Tom, there it is, a steel cage! Elvira you ever see something like that?
Elvira: No I havenāt. but Iām glad Iāve seen it now, cause Iāll tell you, I for one am glad this steel cage is up, because weāre sitting so close to it.
Magnus: Now what theyāve done - this isnāt a normal steel cage, usually itās a cyclone fence, but in the case of Dinosaur Bones heās about 20 tons, he needs a reinforced cage ā letās throw it to the ring announcer with announcements.
Teller: ...
Magnus: I should have got Penn. That's okay, I can translate.
Teller: ...
Magnus: Ladies and gentlemen, may I introduce the officials for this special contest! First of all, the time keeper ā a brilliant young actor, and the star of TVās Silver Spoons, Ricky Schroder!
Ricky Schroder joins Teller in the ring.
Magnus: Maybe have him spe-
Teller: ...
Magnus: AND NOW, your referee for tonight, one of Hollywoodās best known stars, this manās TV credentials include the Wild Wild West, and Centennial ā ladies and gentlemen, the one and only, Robert Conrad!
Robert Conrad joins Ricky Schroder and Teller in the ring.
Teller: ...
Magnus: THIS EVENT WILL BE HELD INSIDE A STEEL CAGE! FOR THE NUMBER ONE CONTENDER SPOT FOR THE XHF PHOENIX CHAMPIONSHIP, WITH THE VICTOR FACING DIRTY BYRD AT NIGHT OF CHAMPIONS! THE WINNER OF THIS MATCH WILL BE THE FIRST MAN TO EXIT THE CAGE, EITHER THROUGH THE DOOR OR OVER THE TOP! And NOW here are the participants...
# You're having a hard time and lately you don't feel so good #
# You're getting a bad reputation in your neighbourhood #
Billie Joelās Youāre Only Human (Second Wind) starts to play over the PA system, as the lights go down.
Teller: ...
Magnus: LED TOWARD THE RING BY HIS MANAGER, LORD āTHE BRAINā DOMINICUS ā IS THE CHALLENGER, FROM THE LE BREA TAR PITS, IN LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA! WEIGHING FOUR TONS,
āTHE DREAD LORDā
DINOSAUR
BONESSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!
The crowd hiss at the mention of the CAR aces. A large dracolich pushes through the backstage curtains, with Lord Dominicus riding on his back. Sauntering down the aisle in sync with the music. For some reason Joelās feel good lyrics take a sinister meaning, as Bones mouths āONLY HUMANā to the camera.
# It's alright #
# It's alright #
#Sometimes that's what it takes #
#You're only human #
# You're allowed to make your share of mistakes #
The menacing duo enter the ring, posing, while generally trying to intimidate the C-string celebrities.
Teller: ...
Magnus: AND HIS OPPONENT ā
There is a massive pop in anticipation of the returning Fury.
Magnus: COMING TO US FROM AKRON, OHIO ā WEIGHING 275LBS ā THE LONGEST REIGNING PHOENIX CHAMPION OF ALL TIME,
MISTER GUNS HIMSELF-
THAT BUCKEYE BRUISER
REEEEEEEEEEEEEDMOND
FURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRY!
Phillips: It must have taken a lot to play up your ex that way.
Magnus: Iām just translating for Teller.
The familiar notes of Gut Feeling act as a siren's call, beckoning the audience to crowd around the aisle, before the mad lyrical flow of Devo cue up the pyro. White sparks explode across the entrance curtain. Stepping out of the back, Redmond Fury realizes that the Dirty Byrd has bribed the production team to swap out Whatta Man for his inside bear theme song. The wall of muscle shudders with memories of literal walls of muscles, before willing a big smile for his fans. Moving with the tune, Fury slaps hands, signs autographs, busts moves, all while taking the time to flex for the camera. Arriving at the cage, Fury shakes the steel wall to work the crowd up into a frenzy. Climbing up the side of the cage, rather than use the door, Fury arrives at the top ā where he tears his FURY ROAD T-shirt to shreds. This shows off his impressive pecks, but also exposes his heavily bandaged ribs.
Jumping into the ring, Fury exchanges words with Dinosaur Bones, the two circling around each other while Gut Feeling still plays.
XHF PHOENIX CHAMPIONSHIP
NUMBER ONE CONTENDER
STEEL CAGE MATCH
REDMOND FURY VS. DINOSAUR BONES
DING! DING! DING!
Phillips: Top notch bell work by Schroder.
Magnus: Here you got it, Bones and Fury inside the steel cage! Robert Conrad made Lord āThe Brainā Dominicus get out of there.
Phillips: Magnus this is what the world has come too. Look at Redmond Fury, the greatest professional athlete in the whole of the world! Isnāt he a magnificent sight, Magnus?
Magnus: Thatās your opinion Tom, but we could easily see Bones heading to Night of Champions for a chicken dinner. You can see the ribs are taped up heavily, Fury spent six months in a bear, only to come back and get destroyed by Zoran Sainovic. Bones has already had his number twice. I personally think that Fury is coming back too soon.
Having circled for a while, the dracolich and bruiser finally lock up.
The tie-up is soon broken, as Bones brings a tiny T-rex arm across the back of Furyās neck with a clubbing forearm smash. Not missing a beat, Fury lays in a stiff right hook of his own. Ignoring it, Bones again clubs down with a tiny t-rex arm forearm smash to the neck. Fury again with a punch! And Bones again with a forearm smash, neither willing to acknowledge the pain of these vicious shots.
Magnus: And theyāre going at it right away! Exchanging right hands, Fury pounding away- shoving Bones back into the cage, and here he goes-
Fury charges back into the ropes, then runs forwards connecting with a massive fist.
Magnus: BIG RIGHT HAND KNOCKING BONES INTO THE CAGE.
With Bones against the ropes, Fury lays in some knife-edge chops. Then whips Bones into the far corner, following him in with a big boot to the face.
Magnus: Elvira, how do you feel about this? Two men locked inside of a steel cage!
Elvira: I tell you; just seeing this amount of flesh in one place is totally awesome. I havenāt seen this much-exposed flesh since I was a Las Vegas massage parlour-
Distracted by a delicious looking young ape in the front row, a salivating Bones starts to lumber towards the door. In the far corner, Fury uses his strength to yank one of the turnbuckles off, and wraps the free cord around Bonesā throat ā choking the thought of a quick meal out of the dracolich.
Phillips: Already we see Bones going for the door, but Fury soon stopped to that!
Magnus: Yeah, Redmond Fury using every advantage he can get from the ring, the rules of a cage match donāt really prevent it. And heās gonna need every edge he can get against the larger Bones.
Elvira: This looks like one of the horror movies I would play on my show.
Fury continues to chop away at Bonesā chest. Outside, Lord Dominicus yells DominiAdvice at his steed.
Magnus: It might well turn into a horror movie before itās over. Fury with a BIG CHOP-
Muscling Bones into the corner, Fury shoots him across the ring with an Irish whip, then follows it in with a massive closeline! Bones ignores the shot, answering with a deafening roar. Trying to stand his ground, Fury starts chopping away.
Magnus: BIG CHOP! Bones is going to have to go into those ribs, Pervy Tom.
Fury hits Bones with an Axe Bomber! No sold. A second Axe Bomber! Starts to wobble, but holds his ground. A third Axe Bomber! Bones roars, striking a pose like the Jurassic Park logo.
Phillips: Magnus, that is what heās got to do! Bones strategy is to hit him with one of those big upper lunges to try and knock him off, and then try to escape through the door. I canāt see Bones being able to climb over the top.
Magnus: We saw him walk in, so we know he can fit out.
After a series of brutal punches, Fury tries to drive Bones head into the steel cage. Stop. Bones then tries to drive Fury into it. Stop. So Bones knees him in the taped up ribs. As Fury doubles over, Bones uses his tiny T-rex arms to hit the back with a double axe-handle chop, then another ā taking Fury down to his knees. Fury uses the ropes to climb up, only to eat a nasty kick to the midsection.
Phillips: What a left boot going into the midsection of Fury!
Magnus: Fury is still recovering from that Sainovic attack; Bones got a good shot into those ribs, which buckled him. You saw it. He saw it. Now he just has to lay on the pressure, and heāll be the proud owner of a turkey dinner come Night of Champions.
With Fury on the ground, Bones kicks away, occasionally working in a vicious tail strike ā but all shots landing on the taped ribs.
Phillips: I do believe that Fury is suffering with those ribs again-
Magnus: BIG BODY SLAM and Fury is hurt! Heās in pain! Iāve said it before and Iāll say it again, he came back too quickly, he let his ego- look at that!
Grabbing the ropes for leverage, Dinosaur Bones stomps on Furyās head, and grinds it into the canvas.
Magnus: Bones driving the foot, pushing Furyās face into the mat!
Elvira: Iām glad theyāre in a cage, because Bones is an ANIMAL.
Magnus: He might be an animal but I tell you-
Phillips: UH OH!
Magnus: Bones going for the door, and if he gets through, you canāt like Byrdās chances!
Favouring his ribs, Fury manages to muster enough strength to leap across the canvas and grab Bonesā tail.
Phillips: Iām afraid that was a little premature, Magnus. Because Fury still has his wits about him. Bones may have hurt him, but Furyās head is quite clear.
The cage closes. Bones lifts Fury up rams him spine first into the cage.
Magnus: Up he goes again! Drives Fury back first into those ribs! Right into the fence!
Outside, Lord Dominicus demands the referee open the door, and starts telling Bones not to eat Fury but to come outside instead. Again, Bones starts to slowly walk over.
Magnus: Bones is going for the door, this could be it-
He has a leg outside the cage, when Fury catches him, wrapping his arms around the dracolichās waist.
Magnus: Fury holding onto Bones for dear life. Remember, Bones leg might be out the door, but both feet have to touch the ground to win.
Phillips: And the GIANT Bones returns to the cage, though heās certainly punishing his former personal trainer.
Magnus: But the question is, how many times can Fury stop Bones from making it out that door.
Bending over, Bones bites into Furyās midsection, tearing the gauze from his midsection. The dracolich rips flesh and leaves teeth marks on the way to exposing Furyās bruised ribs.
Elvira: OH, heās taking off more clothes!
Phillips: While heās distracting-
Elvira: Oh, itās his belt-
Phillips: Bones ripping the bandage off, but donāt worry ā Fury has a strategy of his own!
Bones uses the gauze as a napkin to wipe the blood from his mouth. With fistfuls of the torn bandage, Dinosaur Bones wraps it around Furyās throat ā choking him out with it.
Magnus: Bones choking the life out of Fury with the tape that had been around his ribs-
Elvira: He canāt do that, can he?
Magnus: This is a cage match; anything goes in a cage match! Itās plain and simple; there is no referee in the cage so they can do whatever they want. AND LOOK AT THiS HEāS TYING FURY TO THE ROPE!
With Fury collapsed to the canvas, Bones uses the gauze to tie the Buckeye Brawlerās hand to the bottom rope. On the other side of the cage, Lord Dominicus shouts encouragement ā then starts walking towards the door to hurry Robert Conrad up.
Phillips: Thatās a very clever move by Bones if it works!
With the door opening, Bones struggles to get around the ring ropes, but starts to get out... with the power of GUNS Nation, however, Fury manages to tear his hand free of the bottom rope. Bones is almost through the cage, when Fury charges up behind him grabbing the waist. Undeterred, Lord Dominicus reaches up, grabbing Bones tiny t-rex arms and trying to pull him through the door.
Magnus: FURY STOPS BONES MOMENTARILY AT THE DOOR! Lord Dominicus trying to pull Dinosaur Bones out the door, referee Robert Conrad trying to stop him!
Phillips: I donāt care what you say Magnus, that is not right. It should be just Bones and Fury.
Bones body is halfway out, Fury reaches down ā grabbing the T-Rex skeleton by the eye sockets and starts pulling back.
Elvira: He looks like heās going to make it out on the floor in a minute if he-
Pulling Bonesā head back into the ring, Fury fires down a vicious forearm smash.
Elvira: He got him!
Magnus: Fury with those vicious right hands, knocking Bones back into the ring.
The door closes, as Fury goes to town on the undead dinosaur. Lord Dominicus gives Robert Conrad a piece of his mind.
Phillips: Three tremendous right hands by Fury, and now he-
An irish whip sends Bones charging in the opposite direction of the door, and Fury follows him in with a BIG Closeline. With Bones in the corner, Fury starts to unload with chops and kicks.
Magnus: Fury obsessed with getting revenge on Byrd. I donāt know how he did it, but somehow managing to comeback!
Phillips: He doesnāt seem to be suffering too much with those ribs, Magnus.
Fury peppers away with big right fists, nothing seems to phase the dracolich. Grabbing a collarbone, Fury tosses Bones into the ropes; the Dread Lord rebounds back only for Fury to shove him hard ā sending him face first into the steel cage.
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
Phillips: Bones sent head first into that steel cage!
Magnus: It looks like he cracked Bones skull!
The move is devastating enough to take Bones off his feet.
Phillips: After all those months of allegedly being stalked inside the bear by a hungry Bones, Fury wants a measure of revenge!
Elvira: I donāt even know if weāre safe with these bars here, they look like theyāre going to come down in a minute!
Magnus: Heās bleeding!
Phillips: Bonesā face ā I didnāt know skeletons could bleed, but Bones is busted wide open!
Magnus: Those steel bars did the trick-
Standing over Bones, Fury starts to pepper down lefts, each one hitting the bloody cracked part of the dinosaur skull.
Magnus: Fury going to work on Bonesā head, he can see the blood from the steel bars, where Bones is weak!
The crowd lose their shit as Fury goes to town. Eventually Fury takes a step back, allowing Bones to stagger into the corner.
Phillips: And hereās a good shot from our cameras, showing the whole situation-
Magnus: Fury pulling out all the stops, heās got Bones on the defensive-
As Bones staggers out of the corner, Fury claws his back.
Magnus: Heās got Bones bleeding, scratching him with the fingernails!
Phillips: And heās sending him into the iron bars again!
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Magnus: INTO THE BARS! WOW! THERE ARE CRACKS APPEARING ON THE SKULL OF DINOSAUR BONES!
Elvira: Why donāt they stop this?!
Magnus: Canāt be stopped, until one man leaves the cage!
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Fury tosses Bones headfirst into the cage again.
Magnus: Bones is bleeding profusely now, and Fury has turned it around and the Buckeye Bruiser-
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Magnus: -throws him back into the steel bars.
Elvira: YUCK!
Phillips: It looks to me as if Fury could leave the ring whenever he wants to-
Fury starts climbing the cage.
Phillips: In fact that is exactly what heās doing-
Stopping, Fury steps down, using his boot to choke Bones across the top rope.
Phillips: Just another shot at Bones before he leaves!
Magnus: Heās choking Bones out on the top ropes!
Elvira: Using his head as a stepping-stone!
Magnus: Bones bleeding-
Jumping back down into the cage, Fury meets a bloody Bones in the centre ā punching away at his broken skull.
Magnus: BIG right hand driven into the head of The Dread Lord!
Phillips: And Fury loving every minute of it too!
Magnus: Fury is measuring him up, look at his hand- but Bones still standing-
Fury starts to lift Bones up for a body slam-
Phillips: FORTY TONS BEING LIFTED UP!
Only for the weight to prove too much, and Fury to fall backwards with Bones on top of him. 1. 2. 3. If only there were pinfalls.
Magnus: Could not hold Bones!
Fury is left squashed on the canvas, while Bones staggers over to the ropes on his knees.
Magnus: Bold move on the part of my hated ex, to try and slam twenty seven tons of Jurassic rage with injured ribs-
Elvira: Thatās a lot of Dinosaur.
Phillips: Iām sure the ribs gave way there Magnus, but Fury normally would slam him. Bones now heading towards the door-
Magnus: The ribs definitely gave way, and Bones is going to the door-
At Dominicus insistence, Bones starts to stagger towards the door. In the background, Fury slowly rises to the delight of the crowd.
Magnus: Fury is holding his ribs, if Bones can pull it together and slide under that bottom rope heās going to Night of Champions!
Elvira: Whatās the matter with the Bruiser?
Magnus: Fury is coming back with the tape of his own-
Wrapping the gauze around Bonesā throat, Fury yanks back ā pulling Bones away from the door.
Magnus: Now Tom, what do you have to say about Fury?
Phillips: Well thatās tit for tat, Magnus. Whatās good for the goose is good for the gander!
Magnus: Ah, figures that filthy perverts would come up with something like that!
Elvira: Youāre jealous cause Fury is taking you to the cleaners, Magnus?
Magnus: Donāt you get on my case too, Elvira! Or you wonāt go out with me later.
Bones forces his way out of the gauze choke, and knocks Fury away with a tail strike.
Phillips: Blocked by Bones, and now I think itās Fury going into the steel bars!
Magnus: Heās setting him up-
Bones whips Fury into the far corner, then charges after him-
Magnus: AVALANCHE!
Fury slumps to the ground unconscious.
Phillips: OH! Thatās his game plan, Magnus!
Magnus: Fury down, Bones bleeding and-
Elvira screams as Bones leaps onto the prone Fury with a splash.
Elvira: Oh no!
Phillips: RIGHT ON THOSE RIBS!
Elvira: Hurts! That hurts even me!
Phillips: And now Fury not moving...
The Buckeye Bruiser starts to do Apollo Creed death spasms on the canvas.
Magnus: Lord Dominicus emphatically yelling, get out of the door, get out of the door Bones!
Bones starts to crawl through the open door again, as Fury ā HULKS UP!
Phillips: Crowd on their feet, Magnus!
Magnus: Fury diving, catching Bones by the tail! Dominicus trying to pull him out through that door, and Iām losing my voice Phillips!
Phillips: So are all the people in GUNS Arena, just urging Fury on to stop Bones!
Elvira: Iām afraid heās going to make it, it looks like-oh no, heās got him.
Turning, Bones rams one of his tiny t-rex arms into the back of Furyās neck.
Magnus: I hate to say it Pervy Tom, but Elviraās mouth is watering looking at all the blood in there.
Elvira: Itās making me hungry!
Grabbing Furyās arm, Bones shoots him off into the corner-
Phillips: There he goes in for the ride-
Magnus: He hits him with that-
Phillips: AVALANCHE!
Instead of holding his ribs in pain, Fury just looks mad. The crowd roar approval for the no sell. Bones stops dead in his tracks, looks around, then kicks Fury in the gut. Still nothing. Fury shaking with the power of GUNS Nation.
Phillips: A boot to the ribs-
Elvira: Now I know why they call it the avalanche.
Bones tries to whip Fury into the corner, only for Fury to reverse it-
Magnus: Reversal, Fury fires Bones in-
Bones staggers out into-
Phillips: A SCOOP SLAM!
Magnus: Are you kidding me! He got Bones so high up, I canāt believe it!
The crowd on fire, Fury runs back into the ropes, then comes off them-
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Magnus: OFF THE ROPES, FURY WITH THE BIG LEG DROP!
Jumping up to his feet, Fury indicates that he is leaving the cage.
Phillips: Not a single person in the whole of this arena sitting down, Magnus!
Fury starts to climb the cage.
Magnus: Lord Dominicus! Lord Dominicus is trying to do something out of that corner-
Fury is almost at the top when Dominicus reaches through the cage, holding the foot. Rising, Bones starts to follow behind him.
Phillips: Fury nearly out. Bones taking a handful of his tights-
Magnus: Both men standing on the far ring post-
Turning, Fury starts to punch down at Bones ā then extends a foot, kicking him off the post. Bones falls backwards to the canvas.
Magnus: Bones down, and Fury going up over the top!
Phillips: Heās nearly there!
Magnus: Lord Dominicus trying to stop Redmond Fury-
Fury starts to crawl down the other side of the cage, while Bones starts to head towards the door.
Elvira: Heās going to make it!
Magnus: BONES THROUGH THE DOOR-
Elvira: All right, heās going to win!
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
Magnus: FURYāS OUT!
DING! DING! DING!
Redmond Furyās feet hit the floor just as Bones is getting through the door. The crowd go nuts. Fury then turns his attention to Lord Dominicus, chasing him around the cage.
Phillips: Fury is out, but its still unclear if the referee has seen him or not.
Lord Dominicus enters the cage.
Phillips: Furyās chasing Lord Dominicus, and Dominicus is back in!
Lord Dominicus tries to close the door behind him to keep Fury out.
Magnus: Dominicus trying to shut the door- he got it shut!
Phillips: Watch this?
Elvira: Well what happened Magnus?
Phillips: One final show of strength from Fury, a tug of war for the door between Fury and Dominicus-
Magnus: Fury trying to pull open he door to get at Dominicus. There is no call for that-
Fury tears the door open, causing Dominicus to stagger back into the ring.
Magnus: There is no call for Fury to put his hands on Lord Dominicus! Lord Dominicus is here as a manager. He did nothing to interfere in this match. This is ridiculous what Fury is trying to do.
Phillips: Dominicus brought this upon himself! And heās going to pay!
Lord Dominicus tries to scamper over the cage, but Fury catches him. Outside, Dinosaur Bones is trying to put pieces of skull back together and seems oblivious to the chaos behind him.
Phillips: Heās the one who has instigated all the trouble between former best friends Fury and Bones! And this is pay back time!
Pulling Dominicus down off the cage to the canvas, Fury punches him. Then grabs him by his neck-
! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !
Fury throws Lord Dominicus into the steel bars.
Phillips: STEEL BARS!
Elvira: WHOA! RIGHT AGAINST THE CAGE!
Magnus: This is horrible Pervy Tom!
Lifting Dominicus up, Fury hits an atomic drop ā the force sends Dominicus head first, through the ropes, and out the cage door.
Teller: ...
Magnus: Damn it. Teller says... THE WINNER OF THIS MATCH, AND NEW NUMBER ONE CONTENDER GOING TO NIGHT OF CHAMPIONS-
REDMOND FURY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Real American starts to pump over the PA system, just in case this thinly disguised transcription was fooling anyone. The crowd go nuts as Redmond Fury has his arm lifted high by Robert Conrad.
Phillips: The crowd love Fury! And canāt wait to see him get his hands on Byrd!
Elvira: From what I hear about you and Fury, Magnus ā youāre probably not too happy right now.
Magnus: I tell you what Elvira, some day, some time, heās going to have to have a show down with me.
Elvira: If you win, Iāll go out with you.
Fury and Bones exchange heated glances through the cage. You get the feeling this isn't the end of the Buckeye Bruiser's troubles with Bad to the Bone.
Phillips: Look at him, Magnus.
Magnus: Dinosaur Bones so close to having a turkey at Night of Champions ā what a match, Pervy Tom!
Phillips: I have to agree with you Magnus, that was just a tremendous powerful struggle! A brutal and a very dangerous struggle.
Elvira: This is the wrestling match of the decade. XHF Birthday Bash 2022!
Magnus: There you see Fury, the egomaniac that he is, he has to stop and pose, Pervy Tom!
Phillips: What a magnificent man, Magnus! The worldās greatest professional athlete, look at him! Thereās none better!
Elvira: Whoa, look at those muscles!
Fury poses with his hand next to his ears, signally for GUNS Nation to cheer until their lungs explode. Watching all this from the entranceway, Dirty Byrd falls to his knees - dreading the coming storm. As we fade out on the final show of season 3
HAPPY 21st BIRTHDAY XHF