Post by Jonnie Valentine on Oct 15, 2022 4:58:39 GMT -5
("Sober" by Tool plays and a video montage plays of Hardkore World's 15 year history. Cyrus Williams hits Andrew Karnage with The Blackout...Tarrasque chokeslams Big Brute ACE off of a balcony to the floor below...Rad Rick pulls back on a scorpion deathlock on Dragon Kimura...Ace Kilcannon drops "Tigerheart" Rally Jackson on the back of his head with The Kill...Bronco Guerillo comes off on with a rana off the second turnbuckle on Rad Rick...Adrian Faust nails Death Gojira with a Helldriver...Fidel "Che" Gueverra throws powder in Bronco Guerillo's eyes...Rated X hits Ghandi the Butcher with The Unabomber...Kentaro Korose hits Kuala Hala with a facebreaker deathkick...Matthew X flaming thumper heart punches Quasimoto Jones..."Deathstryke" Cyan Komar hits San Diego Strangler with The Deathstryke...Sadiopath pins "Nightmare" Stormy Sommers with a sadioplex...Devon Stevens hits Bobby Nowa with a Zero Grav Leg Drop...Rally Jackson puts Adrian Faust through a press table with a cradle piledriver...Tosh Marley tiger drivers Matthew X...Ace Kilcannon comes off the rope with a springboard DDT on El Hombre Murcie'Lago...Reverand Gozo Shioda nails Ace Kilcannon with a crucifix ganso bomb...Death Gojira hits Sniff the Borax on "Lightning" Leon Jones...Tuxedo Mask executes a gorgeous corkscrew 450 splash on "Sweet" Richard Romero..."Sexy" Anjanette Turner bending Makoto Jupiter in half with a scorpion deathlock with a crossface...Kilroy Evans drops from off the top of a cage with a crowbar across the chest of Death Gojira on a burning car...Tamara Sanchez delivering a crisp helicopter rana on Xyrynth onto a chair...The Miracle Violence Combination II giving Tarrasque a Shotgun Suplex...Cobryn gives Robert Hunglestien III The Answer 2005...Lonewolf McNeely gets a running start and jumps into the Scent of Destruction diamond cutter but Big Bad Bill reverses it into a reverse DDT faceplant off the second rope...Lucifer Jones gives Devon Stevens a London Air Raid off the top rope through a table on the floor then it fades into a graphic that reads "Hardkore America". The shot then fades out to a maniacal Albuquerque crowd, waving their signs in the air. A giant scaffolding platform is over the ring)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Welcome back to the Desert! We're here at The University Arena in Albuquerque, New Mexico. But will this be the last stop of Cobryn's Hardkore America Heavyweight Title reign?
Phil Blauer: (shakes his magic 8 ball) 'Ask again later'.
Guillermo O'Bannon: Cobryn and Kilroy Evans have tussled before in a classic match for the UWA World Championship. Cobryn squeaked by with a win, but Kilroy got a rematch, and again, Cobryn used nefarious means to walk out of that pay-per-view with the title. Then came the Tournament of the Elite run by Cyrus' bootlick, Tom Lux. Cobryn defeated Soutter, Lucifer Jones, and Rally Jackson to get to the finals. Kilroy Evans was able to down top notch wrestlers like Hardkore America Heavyweight Champion Robert Hunglestien III and his current partner, Andrew Karnage.
Phil Blauer: I miss Hunglestien.
Guillermo O'Bannon: I know you do, Phil. In that final match for the Tournament of the Elite, Kilroy kicked out of the Answer becoming the first man to ever kick out of the finisher. After 58 or some odd minutes Kilroy submitted for the first time in his career to the Bridge Over Key Largo.
Phil Blauer: What's the big deal about that? I give up all the time. Look at this tie, I couldn't get the rabbit to go through the hole, so I just left it.
Guillermo O'Bannon: Well, your first problem is that's a belt. At any rate, in Seattle, Cobryn wrestled Andrew Karnage in a thrilling steel cgae match. After he was able to eek out a victory, The Miracle Violence Combination II laid a beating on him in that cage. Now tonight, Kilroy Evans and Cobryn match up for a fourth time, this time with barbed wire on any side of them.
Phil Blauer: Kilroy Evans have had some of Hardkore World's best barbed wire matches with Death Gojira last year. We'll see how Cobryn's wrestling prowess is effected when his face looks like lasagna.
Guillermo O'Bannon: Then it's time for the first scaffold match in Hardkore World in a long time. And once again, it involves The Warhammer Corporation. Shootfighter, Tarrasque, and Jeremiah Vastrix take on Stan Wilson, Bruno, and Tony Thunder for the Hardkore World Six Man Tag Team titles.
Phil Blauer: Four men over 6'5 twenty feet over the ring? Bruno, Stan, and Tarrasque are all 300 pounds or more. Cobryn and Kilroy Evans will be lucky to have a ring to wrestle in after that match.
Guillermo O'Bannon: In Seattle, Xyrynth and Ayame Tokugawa had a thrilling ladder match that saw Tokugawa upset the champ and win the Hardkore World Women's Championship. Tonight, Ayame has her first title defense against a women she's tangled with before. In Palm Springs, Ayame defeated Brandi. Now after a rather brutal attack on Anjanette Turner, Vagabond, and her own partner Tamara Sanchez, Brandi is on track to become one of the power players in Hardkore World. Winning the Hardkore World Women's Championship in a steel cage match would be a good start.
Phil Blauer: Heard anything from that Hardkore South of hers yet?
Guillermo O'Bannon: I called but their phone was shut off. In Seattle, Big Bad Bill's long Hardkore West Coast title reign came to an end, when The Shootfighter finally won his first singles title after over 10 years of trying. Now tonight, Bill takes on The Undisputed King of the Monsters Death Gojira. The man Bill faced for the Hardkore West Coast title in Palm Springs, Lonewolf McNeely wrestles the man who wrestled for close to an hour in Seattle, "The White Chapel Horror" Lucifer Jones.
Phil Blauer: Or will it be the man in the red mask?
Guillermo O'Bannon: Jones unmasked that guy, Phil. It was Dan Stein.
Phil Blauer: Or was it? If Stein turns into a white tiger tonight, all bets are off!
Guillermo O'Bannon: Agreed. Dan Stein wrestles the man who he pinned to win the barbed wire battle royal in Palm Springs. A man he has had many words with over the past couple months, Hardkore World Light Heavyweight Champion Syberus. Then Cyrus Williams wrestles his second match on his comeback tour, against "Your Canadian Hero" Nick Knight. Carpenter wrestles his first Hardkore singles match in some time, against the man who wrestled a classic match against Cobryn in a steel cage, Andrew Karnage. But first-...what's the matter, Phil?
Phil Blauer: Huh? (points at his tears) Oh this? I always cry before the curtain jerker.
Guillermo O'Bannon: Whatever, anyway Xyrynth recently lost her...
Phil Blauer: Ok, ok, you beat it out of me! I had my heart broken.
Guillermo O'Bannon: I guess this proves that there is a God.
Phil Blauer: I was trolling through what I consider to be my second home, Duluth, Georgia. There I was, hiding in the reeds, as I'm know to do, I met the cutest little jogger. She asked me what I was doing there. I made her think it was unromantic to ask such a question. Then she told me about how she was marrying this tool in a few days. Before you could say Missing Jogger, I had hacked off clumps of her hair and we were Vegas bound, baby.
Guillermo O'Bannon: That's sweet, Phil, but...
Phil Blauer: Ah, but it wasn't all Wine & Roses, my sort-of-friend-but-not-really. You see, like all tragic love stories, there was a catch. You see, there was a limit to her parents money. By the time we got here to Albuquerque, all we had was three dollars and a couple of fruit roll-ups to live on. Sure, the sex was still great. But there was something missing from my little bob haired crazy ass. That was my pet name for her.
Guillermo O'Bannon: That's cute.
Phil Blauer: So I had a sit down with her. I said, "Look here, you fuckin loon."
Guillermo O'Bannon: Another pet name?
Phil Blauer: No, if you met her you'd say the same thing. I said, "We may not have much money right now. But let me tell you, our bank account is filled with Phil. And let me tell ya, you can cash that anywhere." I haven't seen her since.
("Sweet Dreams" by Eurythmics plays and the Albuquerque fans jump to their feet, craning out their hands for Xyrynth to slap. She emerges with Dr. Cliff Hawke and greets front row fans all along the ring area)
Guillermo O'Bannon: These fans are ready for their first match of the evening!
Phil Blauer: What about that "Minister" Marty Bower vs. Devon Stevens match we just sat through?
Guillermo O'Bannon: That's called a dark match, Phil. And we're not supposed to acknowledge they happened.
Phil Blauer: Ah, can that rule be applied a little more liberally? Like that thing I did with the thing?
Guillermo O'Bannon: Xyrynth was recently upset by Ayame Tokugawa in that thrilling ladder match...
Phil Blauer: You already called it thrilling in the intro. What did you leave your thesaurus at home?
Guillermo O'Bannon: Xyrynth looking to get her rematch with the champion, whoever gets out of that steel cage tonight with the title tonight, has a two time champion to worry about.
Yolanda Ando: Xyrynth has got some lightweight jeans dyed deep purple with "Xyrynth" spelled in sea foam green vertically down her outer left leg, with matching sea foam green tank top tucked into the pants. On her feet are some black, sturdy, hiking boots with "Section 8" emblems on the outside ankles of each, and black knee pads. She's wearing some fingerless black leather gloves with the "Section 8" emblems on the backs. Her long brown hair is in a single French braid down her back to her waist, interwoven and tied with deep purple and sea foam green ribbons.
"Wild" Bill Kasal: "Ladies and Gentleman, welcome to the University Arena. Hardkore Jonnie Valentine and Hardkore World presents tonight's evening of Hardkore America action. Now, tonight's first match. Your referee is Mike Peters; Featuring first, accompanied to the ring by her manager, Doctor Cliff Hawke; From Leitchfield, Kentucky; Standing 5 feet 7 inches tall; Weighing 170 pounds...XYRYNTH!!!"
(The fans cheer Xyrynth wildly and she pumps her fist at the huge ovation she's getting from the New Mexico crowd. Then "Magic Carpet Ride" by Steppenwolf plays)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Did my stepdad just take over the audio booth?
Phil Blauer: I don't know, I don't smell the cloud of Natural Ice burps and cheap weed that usually follows him everywhere.
(The curtains part and Vagabond walks out with her hands up for the crowd. She walks to the ring with her long legs and a little smile. She climbs up into the ring and gives the “come on” gesture to Xyrynth)
Phil Blauer: Pretty confident for a girl who spent her debut match sleeping it off in the aisle.
Guillermo O'Bannon: Brandi and Tamara Sanchez attacked Vagabond before the match, Phil, so this will be our first good look at her. But she could have picked an easier opponent to challenge. Xyrynth has had some of the most thrilling matches, male or female, this company has ever seen.
Phil Blauer: There you go with that word again...
"Wild" Bill Kasal: "And her opponent; Bethany Beach, Delaware; Standing 5 feet even; Weighing 102 pounds...VAGABOND!!!"
(The Albuquerque audience gives her a welcome round of applause. Cliff Hawke and Bill Kasal leave the ring and Mike Peters signals for the bell)
Guillermo O'Bannon: These two ladies lock up, and Xyrynth hiptosses her over to the mat. Vagabond rushes her but Xyrynth takes her down with a drop toe hold. She runs into the ropes, and when Vagabond gets back up to her knees, Xyrynth flips over her with a neck snap.
(Xyrynth picks her up by the hair and irish whips her into the ropes, Vagabond comes back with a lou thez press)
Referee Mike Peters: 1...(Xyrynth kicks out)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Vagabond picks her up by the french braid and irish whips her into the turnbuckles. She runs in spinning, and tornado punches her so hard she falls into a heap in the corner!
(Vagabond hangs her upside down in the corner in a tree of woe. She backs into the corner and screams out to the fans, who scream back, getting into this match. She charges in and baseball slide dropkicks a helpless Xyrynth in the face!! Vagabond stays facedown down on the mat, soaking in the applause, and pumps the canvas a little to warm the fans' blood)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Vagabond could be the greatest wrestler to come out of Delaware.
Phil Blauer: That really goes without saying.
(Vagabond pulls her up by the hair and irish whips her, but the two time champ reverses the whip and shoots Vagabond into the ropes and tiltawhirls her around then drops her stomach across Xyrynth's knee! Vagabond staggers around the ring, clutching her stomach, coughing)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Xyrynth DDTs her! She rolls on top of the newcomer and hooks her leg!
Referee Mike Peters: 1...2...(Vagabond kicks out)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Xyrynth irish whips her into the ropes again, and goes for a spinebuster but Vagabond turns it into a monkey flip!
(Vagabond motions for Xyrynth to get up, and when she does, she tackles her with a hard spear! The fans cheer, and Vagabond grabs her by her leg and wrenches her foot with an anklelock)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Vagabond wraps her legs around Xyrynth's thigh and drops down to the mat with the anklelock. Mike Peters checks in but Xyrynth refusing to submit.
(Xyrynth does a push-up from the mat, and gets to where she's standing on one leg with Vagabond still holding on to her leg. She turns around to where she's facing Vagabond and then smacks her in the back of the head with an enzuigiri! The sound of her boot hitting Vagabond's head rings through The University Arena)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Vagabond staggers around dazed, and Xyrynth launches into a handstand in front of her. She scissors Vagabonds head and spins her around into a takedown!
(The audience applauds Xyrynth's balance. Xyrynth grabs Vagabond by her legs and catapults her throatfirst into the top rope! Vagabond falls backward against Xyrynth's upraised knees)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Xyrynth pulls Vagabond's head into her legs, and rolls her up into a canadian backbreaker but Vagabond reverses it with a huracanrana!!
(Fans cheer, and Vagabond steps through the ropes out on to the apron. She pulls on the top rope and slingshots herself back onto Xyrynth with a senton)
Referee Mike Peters: 1...2...(Xyrynth kicks out)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Vagabond applies a crippler crossface to Xyrynth's head and arm. She wrenches up on Xyrynth's crooked head & arm!
(Xyrynth cries out in pain, as Dr. Cliff Hawke urges her to hold on from the outside. Xyrynth gets her bearings and rolls her over into a cradle)
Referee Mike Peters: 1...2...(Vagabond releases Xyrynth's arm to escape the cradle)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Vagabond and Xyrynth are both back up on their feet, and Xyrynth whacks her in the temple with a jumping spin kick!
(Xyrynth fireman's carries Vagabond up onto her shoulders, and spins her into an F5! Xyrynth rolls her over and pins her)
Referee Mike Peters: 1...2...(Vagabond kicks out)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Xyrynth steps through the ropes out to the apron. She pulls on the top rope and slingshots herself onto the middle of the top rope. Springboard dropkick!!
(The New Mexico crowd applauds Xyrynth's dropkick, and Xyrynth pulls her up by her hair. Xyrynth irish whips her into the ropes, and she back body drops her, but Vagabond lands on her feet)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Vagabond catches Xyrynth under the jaw with a superkick!
Phil Blauer: What a match!
Guillermo O'Bannon: Vagabond climbs to the top rope and corkscrews off into a legdrop!! Listen to these fans cheer!
Phil Blauer: (pouts) No one cheers when I screw off.
Referee Mike Peters: 1...2...(Xyrynth kicks out)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Vagabond pulls her up into a front facelock, and drives her head into the canvas with a DDT!
(The momentum bounces Xyrynth up back to her knees, and then she falls facefirst on the mat. Vagabond springs to the top rope like a cat)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Vagabond comes off the top with a splash but Xyrynth is waiting for her with some knees to her stomach!! Xyrynth lifts her up for a fisherman's buster but drops her neck across her knee with a cradle neckbreaker!!
Referee Mike Peters: 1...2...(Vagabond gets her shoulder up)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Xyrynth irish whips her into the ropes and then kicks her face in with a big boot to the head! Xyrynth climbs to the top rope and waits for her to get up. She leaps off, catches Vagabond's head with her legs, and flips her over into a super flying head scissors!!
(The University Arena comes alive with cheers and many fans give both ladies a round of applause for a good match so far. Xyrynth pulls Vagabond into her legs and then lifts her on to her shoulder in an argentinean backbreaker)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Xyrynth going to work on the back now, bouncing Vagabond's spine up & down on her shoulder. Mike Peters checks in but Vagabond waves him off, refusing to submit.
(Xyrynth manuevers her into a racked spinning leg lock! The fans cheer as round & round Vagabond goes. Upon slowing the spin, Xyrynth drops to her knees again, powerbombing her to the mat)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Xyrynth hits The Whirlygig and immediately goes into a jackknife hold for a pin!!
Referee Mike Peters: 1...2...(Vagabond rolls her shoulder up)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Xyrynth irish whips Vagabond into the ropes but Vagabond comes back with leg scissors takedown! She pulls Xyrynth onto her shoulder with a samurai driver but Xyrynth rolls up and spins around on to her shoulders. She takes Vagabond over the ropes to the floor with a reverse rana!
(Audience cheers as Xyrynth and Vagabond spill to The University Arena floor. Xyrynth climbs back up onto the apron and backflips kicks Vagabond into the railing)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Xyrynth performs Cleanyng Out Cobwebs from the apron!
Phil Blauer: Did Rhyno teach her how to spell that?
Guillermo O'Bannon: Xyrynth front facelocks Vagabond, but she blocks the DDT and back body drops her back on the concrete! Vagabond slides into the ring and climbs to the top rope. She comes off with a tope suicida to Xyrynth on the floor!!!
(The crowd gives her a huge pop and some fans start a chant of "CRA-ZY BITCH!! CRA-ZY BITCH!! CRA-ZY BITCH!! CRA-ZY BITCH!! CRA-ZY BITCH!!" Meanwhile Vagabond is back up and leans Xyrynth's back up against the railing)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Vagabond climbs up to the apron and hops to middle of the second rope. She backflips into an asai moonsault taking both Xyrynth and herself over the railing into the front row!!
Phil Blauer: When Tammy & Brandi laid a beating on her in Seattle, they really deprived us of a good match with this girl!
Guillermo O'Bannon: Vagabond is back up on to the top turnbuckle while Xyrynth is helped to her feet by several fans in the front row.
Phil Blauer: I don't think she needs that much butt support.
Guillermo O'Bannon: Give em a break, this is the most they can hope to get from someone that isn't charging them per dance. Vagabond comes off the top with a beautifully executed corkscrew moonsault in the crowd!!!
(Fans give her a monster pop and begin chanting "VAG-A-BOND!! VAG-A-BOND!! VAG-A-BOND!! VAG-A-BOND!! VAG-A-BOND!! VAG-A-BOND!!" as both lie in the ruins of flattened chairs and flattened fans)
Phil Blauer: What a match to start off the other nine here tonight in Albuquerque!
Guillermo O'Bannon: Vagabond now rolls Xyrynth into the ring and grabs a chair. She enters the ring and takes a swing at the two time champ with it, but Xyrynth ducks, and tries to backdrop Vagabond over the ropes, but Vagabond turns it into a tarantula with that chair in between them!!
(Crowd cheers as Vagabond bounces up & down with Xyrynth's arms & legs. Xyrynth screams bloody murder as Mike Peters lays in the count)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Vagabond releases the tarantula and picks her chair up but Xyrynth spins kicks the chair into her face!! Vagabond crumples to the apron, but Xyrynth pulls her up and suplexes her over the ropes into a brainbuster in the ring!!
Referee Mike Peters: 1...2...(Vagabond kicks out)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Xyrynth grabs two handfuls of Vagabond's hair and then drops to her knees, driving the top of her head through Vagabond's chin! Xyrynth full nelsons the staggering Vagabond, and spins her around & around!
Phil Blauer: Oh, and she drives that amazing butt into the mat!
Guillermo O'Bannon: She rolls her back into a Flushed crucifix cradle!
Referee Mike Peters: 1...2...(Vagabond gets her shoulder up)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Xyrynth irish whips Vagabond into the ropes and rolls up into a huracanrana but Vagabond reverses it into a samurai driver!!
Referee Mike Peters: 1...2...(Xyrynth rolls her shoulder up)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Vagabond runs and hops onto the middle of the second rope and backflips into a lionsault!!
(The fans applaud Vagabond. She pulls Xyrynth up by her french braid and front facelocks her. She drives her face into the mat with an impaler DDT)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Vagabond climbs back up to the top rope and flips off with a senton splash to the Xyrynth's back!!
(Vagabond headlocks Xyrynth and runs to the center of the ring for a bulldog, but Xyrynth pushes her off, chestfirst into the turnbuckles)
Phil Blauer: Not the fun bags!
Guillermo O'Bannon: Xyrynth climbs to the top rope and waits for Vagabond to rise. She she does she somersaults into a DDT!!
Referee Mike Peters: 1...2...(Vagabond kicks out)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Xyrynth lifts her up into another argentinean backbreaker, continuing to wear down Vagabond's lower back. She then flips Vagabond forward and piledrives her!!
Referee Mike Peters: 1...2...(Vagabond gets her foot on the bottom rope)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Xyrynth climbs to the top turnbuckle and hits The Flyswatter body press!!
Referee Mike Peters: 1...2...(Vagabond rolls on top of Xyrynth)
Referee Mike Peters: 1...2...(Xyrynth kicks out)
(The smarks in the Albuquerque audience applauds the see-saw nature of this match. When Xyrynth gets up Vagabond is ready for her with a heel kick to her nose)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Vagabond hits the ropes and cartwheels into a spin kick to Xyrynth's jaw! She steps on to the bottom rope and moonsaults her! She doesn't go for a pin and instead, hops on to the second turnbuckle and moonsaults Xyrynth again!!
(The University Arena chants "One More Time! One More Time! One More Time! One More Time! One More Time!" Vagabond climbs to the top turnbuckle from the inside of the ring)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Vagabond hits a third moonsault from the top and hooks the leg!!
Referee Mike Peters: 1...2...(Xyrynth kicks out)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Vagabond goes out to the apron, and slingshots herself onto the middle of the top rope, springboard spinning heel kick!!
(Vagabond irish whips Xyrynth into the ropes, but when she dips down for a backdrop, Xyrynth blocks it)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Xyrynth drops to her knees with a cradle piledriver on Vagabond!!
(Xyrynth pulls Vagabond up onto her shoulder into yet another argentinean backbreaker. She arranges Vagabond's head towards the ground)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Xyrynth makes Vagabond forget all about high school with The Oopsy-Daisy brainbuster!!
Referee Mike Peters: 1...2...thr...(Vagabond kicks out)
Phil Blauer: That was a close shave.
Guillermo O'Bannon: Indeed, Vagabond almost lost this one after the Oopsy-Daisy.
Phil Blauer: No, I changed razors recently. Just feel this face.
Guillermo O'Bannon: I'm not touching you, Phil. Xyrynth hops to the middle of the top rope and comes off with a springboard shooting star missle dropkick!!!
Phil Blauer: I...am speechless.
Guillermo O'Bannon: There is a God.
(The entire University Arena is on their feet, clapping for the Myssyle Stryke. Xyrynth sits on Vagabond's back and applies her dragon sleeper camel clutch finisher. The fans recognize the move and cheer wildly)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Xyrynth has Through the Wrynger locked in!!! She plants her feet on the ground and pulls back on Vagabond's head! Vagabond reaching out for the ropes, crawling closer & closer!
(Vagabond gets close enough to the ropes, so Xyrynth drags her back into the center of the ring, and reapplies Through the Wrynger! The crowd is really at a fever pitch, as Xyrynth bends back as far back as she can)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Vagabond gets her lead loose and slips back through Xyrynth's legs, then bulldogs her from behind!
"Wild" Bill Kasal: "Twenty Minutes Have Elapsed. 10 Minutes Remaing."
(Vagabond climbs to the top turnbuckle, and spreads his arms. Vagabond tucks her head and gets some height on a swanton bomb with her arms & legs spread)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Vagabond hits her Butterfly Dive!!!
Referee Mike Peters: 1...2...3!!!
("Magic Carpet Ride" by Steppenwolf plays and the crowd gives both ladies a standing ovation. Dr. Cliff Hawke enters the ring and helps Xyrynth to her feet, as Mike Peters raises Vagabond's hand in victory)
Guillermo O'Bannon: What an upset! Vagabond has defeated two time Hardkore World Champion Xyrynth in her first match!
"Wild" Bill Kasal: "At 20 minutes 31 seconds; THE WINNER OF THE MATCH...VAGABOND!!!"
(Vagabond and Xyrynth shake hands, and Xyrynth holds Vagabond's arm up. The crowd gives them another standing O. Vagabond walks down the aisle, slapping the fans hands as she walks to the back)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Coming up now we have a match between two of the roughest characters in Hardkore America. Andrew Karnage recently wrestled a Steel Cage Match with Cobryn in Seattle that left both men bloody & broken. Carpenter wrestled his heart out in the eight man Hardkore World Light Heavyweight but came up short. Both men have something to prove tonight.
("Raining Blood" by Slayer hits, the fans rock The University Arena with boos. The drums pound lightly in the backdrop of the sound of a thunderstorm for a half minute, and then lightning hits the top of the jumbotron and the screen "explodes" as the guitars jam, revealing the name "Carpenter" written in dripping blood. The curtain parts as two burly male 'nurses' wheel out an electric chair, with Carpenter firmly strapped down and struggling. They wheel him onto the stage and stop, undo his hand restraints and turn, running backstage. He undoes the chest buckle then frees his feet and gets up, moving towards the ring, eyes glaring as he looks around. As he gets halfway down the ramp he pulls his mask off of his belt, revealing two large brass knucks, and pulls the mask over his bandaged face)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Carpenter's brother Phoenix wrestling in Hardkore Northeast right now. He has a match coming up with Pedro "El Gallo" Santiago in the Tri-State Title Tournament in Cleveland, Ohio.
Phil Blauer: My sources close to Matt Boone tell me Phoenix is laying pipe with Xyrynth.
Guillermo O'Bannon: Everyone knows that, Phil.
Phil Blauer: But did you know that she's getting a little brotherly love from Carpenter as well?
Guillermo O'Bannon: That's not true.
Phil Blauer: You believe what you believe. I believe what I like to believe.
Yolanda Ando: Carpenter wears black leather and bandages, with a metal goalie mask. He has two brass knucks hooked to his belt, so he's sweating that pat down from Ron Reid.
Phil Blauer: Chances are he still won't find em.
"Wild" Bill Kasal: "The following contest is scheduled for one fall with a 30 minute time limit. Your referee is Ron Reid. Featuring first, from Parts Unknown; Standing 6 feet 2 inches tall; Weighing 220 pounds...CARPENTER!!!"
(The fans boo Carpenter and he snarls back at them. Then Andrew Karnage begins walking down to the ring and the Albuquerque crowd gives him a warm ovation. The Hardkore World Tag Team Title belt is strapped around his waist)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Andrew Karnage is one of the most exciting competitors to watch live. If your there when he hits that Nightmare Lariot, it's a memory that stays with you your entire life.
Phil Blauer: Someone hasn't been to a Gallagher show. (laughs to himself) ...hahahahaha...the apple....(laughs louder)...the pumpkin...hee hee hee, oh-oh god...THE WATERMELON, HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
Guillermo O'Bannon: PHIL!!
Phil Blauer: ...sorry.
Yolanda Ando: Andrew Karnage wears some black knee length basketball shorts with "AK-47" down the outsides of each leg in dark red. Dark red kneepads, and black calf high boots with red laces, and has a black elbow supporter on his right elbow.
"Wild" Bill Kasal: "And his opponent; from Orem, Utah; Standing 6 feet 5 inches tall; Weighing 257 pounds; He is One Half of the HARDKORE WORLD TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS...ANDREW KARNAGE!!!"
(The New Mexico fans give him a huge ovation, chanting "KAR-NAGE!! KAR-NAGE!! KAR-NAGE!! KAR-NAGE!! KAR-NAGE!!" The referee signals for the bell)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Carpenter grabs Andrew Karnage by the hair and headbutts the back of his head several times with that metal goalie mask!!
(Carpenter hooks Karnage up and snap suplexes him. He scoops Karnage up and slams him to the mat)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Carpenter runs into the ropes, but Karnage ducks under a clothesline. Carpenter comes back and Andrew Karnage belly to belly suplexes him over his head and across the ring!
(The crowd comes alive with cheers, Carpenter tries to get up in the corner but Karnage batters him with several forearm smashes until he drops to his butt)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Karnage bootscrapes Carpenter a few times and finishes him off with a Facewash bootscrape! He pulls Carpenter up and tosses him across the ring with an exploder '98!!
(Karnage irish whips Carpenter into the turnbuckles. He follows him in but Carpenter floors him with a standing dropkick! The fans boo, and Carpenter stands on the second rope and threatens them)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Carpenter stands on the backs of Karnage's knees, and pulls him up into an inverted surfboard! Karnage shouts out in agony.
(Carpenter bounces Karnage up & down on his calves. Ron Reid checks in but Karnage refuses to submit)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Carpenter releases the inverted surfboard, and rolls him forward into an STF. Carpenter wrenches up on Karnage's head, trying to choke him out.
(Ron Reid asks him if he wants to tap out, while Carpenter clamps down on Karnage's windpipe. Andrew Karnage reaches out for the bottom rope)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Karnage grabs a hold of that rope, and Reid finally forces Carpenter to break the STF. Carpenter irish whips Karnage, but he reverses it, and shoots Carpenter into the ropes. He tiltawhirls him into a backbreaker!!
(Andrew Karnage lifts Carpenter over his head and tosses him down into an alabama slammer!! The fans get louder & louder)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Andrew Karnage applies an abdominal stretch and pulls his arm to make it a giant octopus. Karnage plants his foot, and pulls back on his arm.
(Carpenter hiptosses Karnage, and counters with an abdominal stretch of his own. Karnage uses his height advantage for added leverage)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Karnage loosens tha abdominal stretch a little and cobra clutch suplexes him on the back of his head!! Carpenter pulls Karnage's head into his legs and lifts him up on his shoulder in an Argentinean backbreaker!
Phil Blauer: Carpenter is really working the tag team champion's lower back.
(Karnage grunts in pain while Carpenter bounces his spine along his shoulder. Karnage's hands & arms fall limply to his sides)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Karnage now pummeling Carpenter in his ear to break the argentinean backbreaker. And he does. Karnage waistlocks Carpenter and german suplexes him! He pulls Carpenter up into a full nelson.
(The fans cheer and Karnage dragon suplexes him but doesn't go for the cover. He pulls Carpenter up into a straightjacket)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Andrew Karnage deposits Carpenter on the back of his head with a Pride Cycle!!
Referee Ron Reid: 1...2...(Carpenter gets an arm free)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Andrew Karnage hammerlocks Carpenter's arm and scoops him up on to his shoulder. Karnage walks over to the corner, then charges into the center of the ring, powerslamming him on his chicken winged arm!!
(Crowd cheers as Carpenter rolls around, clutching his arm tightly to his chest. Karnage climbs up to the top rope, and then comes off with a headbutt to his shoulder!! Karnage drapes an arm over him)
Referee Ron Reid: 1...2...(Carpenter gets his shoulder up)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Andrew Karnage grabs Carpenter's aching arm and applies a crippler crossface! He sets it in and then hammerlocks the arm that isn’t scissored, holding it with his elbow while he reaches up to apply the chinlock. The Pain Killer EX!!
Phil Blauer: Karnage trying to hurt both arms, not just the weakened wing.
(Ron Reid asks Carpenter if he wants to tap out, but he waves him away. Karnage uses those pipe like arms to yank up on his face. Karnage releases The Pain Killer EX and picks him up into a backdrop driver, but Carpenter lands on his feet behind him)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Carpenter monkey flips Karnage across the ring! Carpenter butterflies Karnage's arms and double underhook suplexes him across to the other side!
(Fans boo as Carpenter flexes his muscles to mock Karnage. Carpenter gut wrenches Karnage up and over into a powerbomb)
Referee Ron Reid: 1...2...(Andrew Karnage rolls his shoulder up)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Carpenter twists Karnage's legs around his arm and turns him over into a texas cloverleaf! Carpenter backs up so that it's in a liontamer position.
(University Arena continues to boo Carpenter while he pulls & tugs back on Karnage's twisted legs. Karnage reaches out for the ropes, and gets close, so Carpenter drags him into the center of the ring by the legs and stands back into another texas cloverleaf)
Guillermo O'Bannon: With one escape route foiled, Karnage grabs Carpenter's foot and trips him into an anklelock. Carpenter pushes him off with his other foot, but Karnage catches him getting up with a yakuza kick!
(Andrew Karnage half nelsons Carpenter and tosses him like a sack of garbage with a t-bone suplex!! The crowd is on their feet and Karnage feeds off their energy. Karnage grabs Carpenter's leg and turns him over into a single leg boston crab)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Karnage adding to the pain of that single leg crab by standing on Carpenter's head. He bends His leg back towards his head, trying to take out those springy legs of Carpenter's. Karnage finally releases it and pulls him up into a suplex, but Carpenter blocks it with his calf. Carpenter answers with a gourdbuster!!
(Carpenter climbs to the top rope and waits for Karnage to rise. When he does, Carpenter comes off with a corkscrew plancha)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Carpenter picks Karnage up and powerbombs his skull into the mat!! He holds the legs for a pin!
Referee Ron Reid: 1...2...(Andrew Karnage rolls his shoulder up)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Carpenter climbs to the top rope from inside the ring, but Karnage crotches him on the top turnbuckle. Karnage climbs to the top rope and sits behind Carpenter, hooking his legs around the top rope. He applies a kataha-jime, and then drops back into a Black Market Lobotomy brainbuster!!!
(The New Mexico crowd goes wild as Karnage continues to hang upside down from the top rope, smiling. He falls back onto his feet and grabs Carpenter by the neck)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Andrew Karnage tosses Carpenter across the ring with a powerful head & arm suplex!!
(Karnage stalks Carpenter, pulling him up on to his shoulders immediately. He charges across the ring and drops Carpenter on his head with death valley driver!! He cradles the legs)
Referee Ron Reid: 1...2...(Carpenter kicks out)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Andrew Karnage butterflies his arms and then lifts him up in a snap double underhook brainbuster he calls The Tiger Buster!!
Referee Ron Reid: 1...2...(Carpenter kicks Karnage in the face)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Carpenter double underhook DDTs Karnage!
Phil Blauer: That took the wind out of his sails!
(Carpenter gets behind Andrew Karnage and lifts him up & back in a belly to back cradle suplex)
Referee Ron Reid: 1...2...(Andrew Karnage gets his shoulder up)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Carpenter gets underneath Karnage's legs and lifts him up on his shoulders, then drops him facefirst in an electric chair bomb!!
(Carpenter goes for a moonsault again, and this time hits it!! He hooks one of Karnage's legs)
Referee Ron Reid: 1...2...(Andrew Karnage kicks out)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Carpenter climbs to the top rope again, but Karnage gets up and shakes the ropes, crotching him! Karnage turns his back to him and takes both his arms and crossing them. He flips him over into a owen driver known as The Grimstad driver!!
Phil Blauer: Named after a former Hardkore World Six Man Tag Team Champion from Hardkore Puerto Rico and Rotterdam Wrestling Superstars, Vladimir Grimstad!
Guillermo O'Bannon: Andrew Karnage irish whips Carpenter, then chokeslams him up and then down into a backbreaker!!
(The fans delight in seeing Carpenter, rolling around the mat with his hand pressed to his back. Karnage gut wrenches Karnage up onto his shoulder, then runs into the middle of the ring with a ligerbomb)
Referee Ron Reid: 1...2...thr...(Carpenter rolls his shoulder up)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Karnage lays a stiff kick into Carpenter's kidneys. He goes for another one but Carpenter dragon screws him to the mat, into an anklelock! Carpenter wrenches Karnage's foot to the side as Ron Reid checks in to see if he wants to tap out.
"Wild" Bill Kasal: "Twenty Minutes Have Elapsed. 10 Minutes Remaining."
(Carpenter wraps his legs around Karnage's thigh and then drops down to the mat, in an on the mat version of the anklelock. Karnage growls out in pain while Carpenter twists on his ankle)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Carpenter loosens the anklelock long enough to reapply it into an indian deathlock. Karnage attempts to push up, but Carpenter will not let him turn it over.
(Carpenter clamps down on Karnage's crossed legs, and Andrew screams in pain. The Albuquerque audience boos. Karnage reaches out and grabs the bottom rope, and Ron Reid forces Carpenter to break the indian deathlock. Carpenter steps through the ropes out on to the apron)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Carpenter hops on to the middle of the top rope and shooting star legdrops Karnage!!!
(Crowd has to give it up for that move, and Carpenter hooks his leg)
Referee Ron Reid: 1...2...thr...(Andrew Karnage gets his foot on the bottom rope)
(The audience sighs with relief, Carpenter takes his brass knuckles off of his belt and attaches them to his hands. He straddles Andrew Karnage, and begins peppering his ribs & face with shots from the brass knucks!! The University Arena boos and jeers)
Phil Blauer: Carpenter opens up some old cuts and starts some new ones with The 187 Pummeling!
Guillermo O'Bannon: Andrew Karnage is a bloody mess, and Carpenter pulls him up by his now pink stained hair. He irish whips him into the turnbuckles, and follows him in with a stinger splash but Karnage is waiting for him with the Nightmare Lariot!!!
(Carpenter is flipped upside down, and the fans nearly blow off the roof with a monster pop!! A bloody Karnage limps over to Carpenter and back suplexes him up & over into a release orange crush bomb)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Karnage follows up The Nightmare Lariot with The Karnage Crush Bomb!!!
Referee Ron Reid: 1...2...3!!!
(The fans leap to their feet and cheer, and Ron Reid raises a limping, bloody Andrew Karnage's arm in victory)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Carpenter tenderized Karnage's face & ribs with those brass knuckles, but Karnage had his number with The Nightmare Lariot.
"Wild" Bill Kasal: "At 22 minutes 7 seconds; THE WINNER OF THE MATCH...ANDREW KARNAGE!!!"
(A bloody Karnage needs help from the ring from Ron Reid and Mike Peters. Kilroy Evans meets them halfway in the aisle, and helps his limping partner back to the locker room)
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May 05, 2005#8
(The Shootfighter is working out on both the heavy and speed bags throwing all kinds of kicks, punches and knees as he prepares for his six-man title match with Tony Thunder, Bruno and Stan "The Tank" Wilson. He is wearing his black knee length wrestling tights and black boots his chest length black hair is matted to his face and back.)
The Shootfighter: "You know Triple B the only thing I can agree with you is the part involving the originality! Scary isn't it?! The Kliq came from the 90's during WWF's pre-DX Days!"
(The Shootfighter delivers some kicks to the heavy bag then to the overhead speed bag.)
The Shootfighter: "So the opposition looks like it doesn't take anything seriously when it comes to the six-man title match! Don't think I'm going to be lulled into thinking you aren't going to be prepared! I know you'll be prepared!"
(The Shootfighter grabs the heavy bag and delivers a non stop series of knees to it.)
The Shootfighter: "I noticed that lately Bruno has been going all hypnotic like Batista did when he looked at now former champion HHH's title! Then saying he is going to take the six-man title! The problem is the key words are six-man and that means you're going to have to work together in order to defeat both the Warhammer Corp. and myself in order to take the titles! Can you actually do that without coming apart because all three of you may want this share of the title?!"
(He delivers a series of backfists to the heavy bag.)
The Shootfighter: "Is the six-man title your actual goal or is it my title you want?!
Which one of you shall be the selfish one to deprive the others of the six-man title
victory?! You don't know that do you?! We'll find out in Albuquerque, NM! It all comes down to this series of questions that you have to ask yourselves! Can you do it! Can you work together or will you be working as individuals!"
(The Shootfighter quickly starts using the overhead speed bag.)
The Shootfighter: "I don't expect you to be divided! I know you are going to act like you're being selfish but in reality it's going to be you acting in unison for only that one ultimate goal and that's the six-man titles! You know why I don't show any of the titles?! Because I'm not arrogant and I'm certainly not the one to brag about titles! I'm still the same Shootfighter that came to Hardkore World and I'll still remain that way forever!"
(He stops and looks at the camera.)
The Shootfighter: "You see I still have that same hate, rage and fury that burns like an uncontrollable forest fire! I still am like a hungry predator willing to kill more prey to feed it's hunger! That's just the way I am and that's just how I'll still be! Predict all you want and shove away everyone who asks you who is going to win! Come this six-man match you shall feel the three most formidable champions! Two of the most dangerous men in the formidable and established groups around The Warhammer Corp. Then you have me The Shootfighter! One of the most dangerous men and one of the most intense individuals around! The three of us don't care who we hurt as long as we come out on top! We won these titles in one of the bloodiest and most violent battles and we intend to retain these titles in the same way!"
(He yells a terrifying Kai and throws a very hard stiff kick that destroys the heavy bag and then delivers a high snapping kick to the overhead speed bag destroying it. He slowly turns his head back to the camera.)
The Shootfighter: "You see blood and pain is going to flow and be unleashed in great amounts come this match! Pain and blood that you have never seen or felt shall ever be felt ever! You or both of us shall feel the agony but only one team shall come out on top! Prepare for the true pain that shall be wrought upon your bodies! Prepare for the rage, hate and fury of myself as well as the full power that is the Warhammer Corp! Prepare for Mortal Kombat!"
(The scene fades to black.)
**commericial**
Adrian Faust: I was lost. I didn't know where I was going in life. My title, the glory was gone, so was my woman and her pet wolf, then I saw a commercial for ITT and it changed my life.
Announcer: College isn't for everyone, for the rest of us there's ITT. Get a start on your life now, before it's too late.
Adrian Faust: I tried the wrestling thing, even did the rock band thing for awhile. It was right for me. It might be right for you.
Announcer: When you get tired of hearing it from your old lady try ITT. We're better then the Army.
Adrian Faust: When I moved out of my mom's house she asked me where her son was and what I did with him and if I see him could I tell him to get his lazy ass out of her house. Sometimes she's not all there. I work on computers, and you can too. Call the number on your screen and ask yourself if you're ready to grow up.
**commercial**
Guillermo O'Bannon: ...seriously, guess.
Phil Blauer: Sleeping with another wrestler's girlfriend and getting him fired for it?
Guillermo O'Bannon: Nope, guess again. What's the most cliche thing in wrestling today?
[The arena lights cut out completely. Over the PA comes a chant from the Muhammed Ali movie accompanied by a war drum beat.]
Guillermo O'Bannon: I love that chant. It reminds me of a Paul Simon song. You know, from the 80's when he was hanging with Chevy Chase and all those black guys.
Phil Blauer: He made it cool for white guys to hang with black guys. Before him it was unheard of. Because it was taboo me and Jimmy Walker never got to realize a friendship that could've changed both our lives.
[Intelligent white lights bounce along to the chant itself. As this happens, six young men dressed in in black t-shirts and grey athletic pants walk into the arena and roll a red carpet down the aisle, all the way to the ring.]
#THE CHAMP IS HERE
#THE CHAMP IS HERE
#THE CHAMP IS HERE
#THE CHAMP IS HERE.
Guillermo O'Bannon: 6 young men? Something tells me Yolanda might have a word or two for the viewers at home.
Yolanda Ando: Sorry, Guillermo. I've sworn off men since I married that student I molested when I used to teach. I've been out of prison two years and he's all growed up now.
Phil Blauer: A co-worker got married and nobody invited Blau-Dog?
Yolanda Ando: Well, it was a small ceremony.
former prowrestling.com internet Matt Boone: Yeah, there was barely 500 people there.
Guillermo O'Bannon: And a lot of people have elephants at their wedding.
Phil Blauer: You were invited to the wedding and I wasn't?
Guillermo O'Bannon: Actually, I was at the courthouse to lift a warrent when I bumped into Yo in the hallway. That's the only reason I heard of it. Besides, last time you kinda made an ass of yourself at Evan Valentine's holy communion.
Phil Blauer: What do you mean? I had that place rockin!
Yolanda Ando: You groped Sexy Anj's ass, and wouldn't give the priest the microphone back.
Phil Blauer: I had some things on my mind.
former prowrestling.com internet Matt Boone: Plus you punched one of the alter boys.
Phil Blauer: He was hornin in on my chick.
[The chant stops completely, as do the intelligent lights. The carpet rollers line the aisles as "Personal Jesus" by Depeche Mode begins to play.]
#REACH OUT AND TOUCH FAITH
Guillermo O'Bannon: I didn't dance to it at Yolanda and Pak Cho's wedding and I won't dance to it here.
[Out of the curtain first is "The Voice of Pro Wrestling" Paul Mannetti, dressed in a sharp suit. Behind him comes the cornermen, Jinn Blaze, Michael Maxwell, Bludd, Tatsuya Arakawa, and Joe Charleston, clad in grey and black velour sweatsuits with "REVIVE STRONG STYLE" written on the back. Blaze, Bludd, and Charleston all carry large towels while Arakawa & Maxwell sport a can of cold spray and a bucket of ice respectively. They begin to make their way down the aisle, past the carpet rollers.]
#Your own personal Jesus
#Someone to hear your prayers
#Someone who cares
#Your own personal Jesus
#Someone to hear your prayers
#Someone who's there
Phil Blauer: Only one man scrolls lyrics like this!
former prowrestling.com internet reporter Matt Boone: Cyrus Williams recently returned to Hardkore World. Word backstage is he was humbled by his time at the car wash and is ready to work with Jonnie again. Of course, word at Hardkore Towers is nobody actually works WITH Jonnie, you work FOR him.
[Next comes Tom Lux, power broker and agent, dressed in an even sharper suit than Mannetti. Black coat, red shirt, black tie. Next to him was the hired help from Cyrus' training session, "Commander" Cody Young, clad in a moth eaten army uniform, waving a Canadian flag and carrying a Mormon bible. Both men He follow cornermen. Suddenly, a large shower of grey pyros come down from the ceiling as the first verse begins.]
#Feeling unknown when you're all alone
#Flesh and bone by the telephone
#Pick up the receiver I'll make you a believer
#Take second best, put me to the test
#Things on your chest you need to confess
#I will deliver, you know I'm a forgiver
[Finally, Cyrus Williams steps out into the arena, through the pyros. He wears a long black and grey ring robe with a hood, which he flips up once he's completely out in the arena.]
#REACH OUT AND TOUCH FAITH
#REACH OUT AND TOUCH FAITH
[Trash begins to get hurled at Cyrus as he walks down the aisle, his cocky smile never fading from his face.]
#Your own personal Jesus
#Someone to hear your prayers
#Someone who cares
#Your own personal Jesus
#Someone to hear your prayers
#Someone who's there
[Cyrus makes it to the ring as the song breaks down. He climbs the ring steps as he steps in, with Lux, Mannetti, Commander Cody, and the cornermen following him. When he enters the ring, Cyrus goes to the center of the ring and does a victory pose, with his entourage doing it's best to deflect the garbage being pelted at him.]
#REACH OUT AND TOUCH FAITH
[Tom Lux hands Paul Mannetti a microphone as Cyrus' grandiose ring introduction begins.]
Paul Mannetti: "Ladies and gentlemen, stray mexicans, and everyone who considers the city of Alberquerque to be a silly name, it is now time for your rightful MAIN EVENT. After this match, you will be asked to exit the building in a timely fashion before we shoot you with tranquilizers and toss you off a bridge in a fleet of dump trucks."
Phil Blauer: Those boos are big.
Paul Mannetti: "For those of you not in the know, Cyrus Williams and Cyrus Williams Inc. are not exactly taking this match with the strapping young Canadian lad Nick Knight very seriously. In fact, I decided that he was so unimportant, I wouldn't even construct a personalized ring introduction for him. So Cyrus has decided to make himself a list of things he could be doing right now instead of wrestling Nick Knight."
Phil Blauer: Look at Manetti, running off at the mouth like some guy who likes to talk alot. What do you call them?
Guillermo O'Bannon: Anchormen?
[Mannetti pulls a large scroll out of his suit jacket.]
Paul Mannetti: "Ahem. Instead of wrestling Nick Knight, Cyrus could be baking a cake, watching Good Eats with Alton Brown, popping a sick 360 heelflip on his skateboard, playing Fire Pro D on the criminally underrated gaming system Sega Dreamcast, downloading porn, downloading MP3s, downloading bomb making blueprints, downloading illegal software, downloading your credit card information, going for a light jog, drinking lemonade, doing cocaine, doing heroin, doing ecstasy, doing your mom, doing your sister, doing your aunt, doing your taxes, doing his taxes, doing the Dew, shooting fire out of his hands, schmoozing with celebutantes, flying a corporate jet, brushing his hair, auctioning slaves, installing an alarm system at his home, watching the latest episode of the L Word that he TIVO'd, breaking the Masterlock, solving the mystery of time and space, discovering the truth to the Kennedy assasination...."
Guillermo O'Bannon: Cyrus skateboards?
Phil Blauer: And shoots flames from his ass!
Guillermo O'Bannon: Fingers.
Phil Blauer: I guess there too.
[Mannetti starts to cough a bit. Always helpfully, Commander Cody allows him to cough into the Canadian flag. Paul takes a drink of water.]
Paul Mannetti: "Whew. Thank you. Shopping at the mall, shopping on Rodeo Drive, shoplifting, price adjusting, bitching about HHH, running over fellow wrestlers' pets with a garbage truck, eating out, eating out a woman, eating out a peach, sleeping with the fishes, de-masking El Santo, practicing many world religions, taking a relaxing shit, swimming in a pool filled with money, laying carpet, laying down to regain his chi, laying down some phat beats, attending a political rally, jumping the border. Actually, I think that only applies to the people in New Mexico, champ."
[Cyrus shrugs his shoulders and agrees. The crowd doesn't really appreciate it.]
Paul Mannetti: "Waste management, getting wasted, getting wasted with Tammy Lynn Sytch, peeling an orange, stealing cable, visiting the graves of numerous dead rock stars, buying a new fedora, buying a new suit, buying bootleg DVDs of XXX 2: State of the Union, rock climbing, rock polishing, rock tumbling, rock 'n roll, accepting an award, apartment wrestling, creating a flash animation, curing cancer, AIDS, Marberg, and Ebola, disarming you with a smile, shaking down to 1979, smashing pumpkins, going our seperate ways, not stopping believing, doing things any way he wants it, doing it faithfully, doing it like Steve Perry, running to the hills, making his aces high, reckoning the number of the beast, invading, living in these wasted years, grieving with the parents of Terri Schiavo, kickin' it with Pope Benedict XVI, kickin' the bucket, buying the farm, clerkin', jerkin', workin', laughing at the term "merkin", traveling in time, smoking cloves, naming the moon, naming his new horse, surfboarding, wakeboarding, boarding up a window, writing a novella, writing a poem, writing a last will and testament, visiting his parents, visiting Disney World, visiting Kilroy Evans' house for beers, visiting the Hardkore World offices for his royalty checks, pooping on Nick Knight's bag."
[Mannetti raises his eyebrow at that one.]
Paul Mannetti: Didn't we already do that today?
[Cyrus just says "Oops."]
Paul Mannetti: "Taking Mad Dog Vachon's fake leg, playing Poker because it's trendy, mopery, dopery, popery, killing the sex player, alphabetizing his CD collection, doing shots of Jagermeister at your local frat house, and last but not least......causing nuclear winter."
Guillermo O'Bannon: I've got a list of things I could be doing besides listening to this list.
Phil Blauer: Like what?
Guillermo O'Bannon: Well...Watching TV. That and reading the TV guide.
Phil Blauer: TV Guide? Why don't you just learn sandscrit or get into ska? TV Guide is for homeless people with no digital cable.
[Mannetti pauses, takes a deep breath, and continues.]
Paul Mannetti: "Ladies and gentlemen, he hails from Palm Springs,CA by way of Chicago, IL, by way of Providence, RI with summer homes on Montauk, NY and Martha's Vineyard, MA. He stands six foot two inches tall and weighs two hundred and forty-eight pounds, and is YOUR current, reigning, and defending HARDKORE WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION...........here is YOUR PERSONAL JESUS......CYRUS WILLIAMS!"
[The ring seconds toss in grey and black streamers as Cyrus takes off his robe and hands it off to his entourage.]
Guillermo O'Bannon: Who's gonna clean up this mess?
(Guillermo and Phil look at Ron De La O)
Ron De La O: Fuuuuuuck Yoooooouuuuu, Maaaaaannnnn!
Phil Blauer: We'll get Yolanda to do it, she's a woman. Or Boone, he's almost one.
former prowrestling.com internet reporter Matt Boone: Why must you make me regret telling you about my one testical?
("Warrior Part 2" by Eminem/Lloyd Banks/Nate Dogg/50 Cent fills the arena. There's a mild pop from the seasons last snow birds.)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Wild Bill Kasal is asking Paul Mannetti if he can borrow his microphone. Mannetti refuses! Bill now begging, pleading with his fellow ring announcer. This is pathetic.
Phil Blauer: Where'd Kasal lose it this time? We tied a string to it for a reason, he should be wearing it around his neck.
Guillermo O'Bannon: It gets in the way when he pees.
(White and red lasers hit the arena while a maple leaf is shown on the Hardkore Tron followed by the words "Your", "Canadian", "Hero".)
Phil Blauer: I don't know about this Nick Knight guy. I don't trust him. He's a little TOO polite.
Guillermo O'Bannon: He's Canadian, it's an affliction with his people. It's like their thing with Anne Murray and mayonaisse.
(A big water mark of a maple leaf is cast upon the ramp and Nick Knight slowly makes his way to the ring waving a big Canadian Flag in his hand.)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Wrestling needs more flag wavers. I'm talkin' to you I. Ron Sheik.
(Knight gets in the ring and perches the middle rope while placing his right hand on his chest and screaming "Oh Canada".)
Guillermo O'Bannon: A smattering of fans answering back his salute with a salute of their own.
Phil Blauer: Did you know the middle finger used to be a term of endearment? I read it on a bottle cap.
(Nick Knight now asking Paul Mannetti on behalf of "Wild" Bill Kasal for the use of his microphone. Mannetti refuses yet again. "(I'm A) Sexy Boy" by The Jimmy Hart Experience featuring Shawn Micheals bumps through the arena. "Hardkore" Jonnie Valentine steps through the curtain wearing a suit. He removes his wrap-around shades and throws them into the crowd. Security quickly gets them back from the lucky fan.)
"Hardkore" Jonnie Valentine: "Is it me or are they doing our title tournament on Raw, only gaying it up?"
Phil Blauer: It's definately not you, sir.
"Hardkore" Jonnie Valentine: "Bill, you leave this mic in the bathroom again and we'll start pinning it to your shirt. Now, let's take one step closer to naming an undisputed champion of the world!"
(Mike Peters calls for the bell. The ring clears and Nick Knight buries Williams under a flurry of chops.)
Guillermo O'Bannon: This match is another match in the Hardkore World Title Tournament. This thing is really starting to take shape.
Phil Blauer: Yes, a shapely tournament it is.
Guillermo O'Bannon: Cyrus fighting through the chops, grabbing Knight's head with both hands. Knee strike! Another! Using his upper body strength Williams is battering Nick Knight's face into his knee!
(Williams drives Knight's face into his knee again, dropping him to his knees, but not letting go of his head.)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Williams brutalizing the young Canadian. He brings his knee, from way back this time, and again strikes Knight across the bridge of his nose.
Phil Blauer: Looks like he just turned on the blood faucet. I hope someone's reading the meter.
(Williams drops Knight's head to the mat as blood begins to poor from his broken nose. Cyrus holds Nick Knight's face down and drags him facefirst across the mat)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Cy drops a knee across the top of Knight's head.
Phil Blauer: Knight obviously having trouble bleeding.
Guillermo O'Bannon: Bleeding?
Phil Blauer: (looks at Guillermo) Yeah, he's bleeding. I can see that.
Guillermo O'Bannon: You said Knight was having trouble bleeding.
Phil Blauer: No I didn't, I said breathing. He's having trouble breathing because he has no trouble bleeding. Why would I say bleeding? He obviously isn't having any trouble bleeding, his nose is broken.
(Williams drops another knee)
Guillermo O'Bannon: It may not be broken.
Phil Blauer: If Vince McMahon can call every slipped disk a broken neck I can call every bloody nose broken.
Guillermo O'Bannon: Agreed. Williams pulls Knight up by a fist full of hair and irish whips him into the corner. He follows with a roaring elbow!
Phil Blauer: Sucks to be Nick Knight right now. Not only is your country getting it's ass kicked by terrorists because you refuse to take the fight to them, but now you're getting your ass kicked by Hunglestein's cousin.
Guillermo O'Bannon: Williams and Hunglestien are related?
Phil Blauer: Boone, hip this [Nah, Bro.
former prowrestling.con internet reporter Matt Boone: I haven't found any evidence that they AREN'T related.
Guillermo O'Bannon: Have you looked?
former prowrestling.con internet reporter Matt Boone: I asked my snitch.
Guillermo O'Bannon: Did you talk to anyone besides Judge Death?
Phil Blauer: That's good enough for me.
(Nick Knight reverses a suplex from Cyrus into a suplex into a powerbomb!! University Arena comes alive and cheers for Nick Knight. He tries to ignore his broken nose and feed off their energy)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Nick Knight making good use of his advantage and hits a belly to belly suplex. He continues with the power moves and hits a double arm underhook and turns it into a backbreaker!!
Referee Mike Peters: 1...(Cyrus Williams kicks out)
(Nick Knight hits a release flip german suplex which Williams no sells)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Cyrus Williams showing what kind of man he really is by refusing to sell the fake damage inflicted onto him by Nick Knight's fake kicks and punches.
Phil Blauer: That was a suplex, even I know that.
Guillermo O'Bannon: Williams gives him the exact same move, showing the youngster how to do it right.
Phil Blauer: I hope he was taking notes. You know, mental ones.
Guillermo O'Bannon: Williams with a stiff pop to Nick Knight's jaw, knocking a few teeth loose from those blood soaked gums.
Phil Blauer: Williams comes up behind Knight and locks on a Jujifruit! Jujifruit!
Guillermo O'Bannon: Phil, it's called a Jujigatame and Cyrus is raking his forearm against Knight's possibly broken nose.
Phil Blauer: Nick Knight screaming in pain! Cyrus doing work like he's Dr. 90210, only with the gay stigma of pro wrestling, not the gay stigma of E.
Guillermo O'Bannon: I don't know how long Knight can hang on. Williams is rubbing through cartilage. That's bone on bone. It's like a gay porno up in there.
Phil Blauer: Knight clawing and scratching his way to the ropes. He's not doing it alone. He's got the glory of the queen behind him.
Guillermo O'Bannon: I don't think they have a Queen, Phil. I believe their goverment is based around an omnipotent beaver and his moose disciples.
(The crowd roots Nick Knight on, until he is able to grab hold of the bottom rope. Mike Peters forces Cyrus to break the crippler crossface)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Williams whips Knight into the corner and follows him in, but Knight moves out of the way, steps back, and hits The Lance Connection!
(Knight lifts Williams up into a fireman's carry, then turns it into a neckbreaker over his knee)
Guillermo O'Bannon: The NK Bomb!! He hooks the leg...
Referee Mike Peters: 1...2...(Cyrus Williams kicks out)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Knight hooks Williams into a DDT, but Cyrus blocks it and backdrops Nick behind him.
Phil Blauer: Am I the only one to notice that Cyrus returned only after Hans and Adolph Schmutzhausen returned to Bavaria to operate their clock shop and train white tigers?
Matt Boone: I noticed.
Yolanda Ando: What's a Cyrus?
(Cyrus Williams with a high Roundhouse Kick to Knight's face, knocking him to his knees. He soaks in the boos for a little while from the Albuquerque fans. His crew of lackies cup their hands over their ears)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Williams again with a knee across Nick Knight's broken snot pump. He delivers a series of Kawada Kicks battering the young Canadian's face like eggs at a fat man's birthday party.
(Knight falls to the mat at the foot of the turnbuckle. Williams climbs to the top rope and hits a Top Rope Double Footstomp to Nick Knight's head.)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Williams definately in control, and seemingly making all the right moves since his return. His new management team making sure his priorities are straight.
Phil Blauer: No more Old Crow and late night porn binges for the man who claims to be world champ.
(Nick reverses an irish whip by Cyrus and sends him into the corner so hard he flips over into the tree of woe)
Guillemro O'Bannon: With one foot on little Cy, Knight places his hand on Williams' chest and screams "Oh Canada".
Phil Blauer: I had that exact same thing happen to me at a strip bar in Toronto, only I wasn't upside down.
Yolanda Ando: Really, me too.
Guillermo O'Bannon: Knight hits a reverse tornado DDT off the top rope!
Referee Mike Peters: 1...2...(Commander Cody pulls Nick off Williams)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Nick Knight is furious. He's chasing Cody Young around the ring and when he gets his hands on him he'll do the kind of dam-
BAM!
Guillermo O'Bannon: Knight, his vision probably blurred from the damage done to his nose, walked right into a boot from his personal Jesus.
Phil Blauer: That homeless guy just got that tourist with a Release Half Nelson Suplex.
Guillermo O'Bannon: Cyrus ties Nick Knight up in an Indian Deathlock, then faces forward and grabs his arms. Williams raises his boot to Knight's head, and violently stomps downward! Cyrus Williams may very well be a much more violent man since he's returned.
Yolanda Ando: Nick Knight's lips and nose looks like my woman's area.
Phil Blauer: You mean bloody, puss covered, and sore?
Yolanda Ando: I meant clean shaven, but that too.
Guillermo O'Bannon: Tombstone Piledriver bouncing the kid's head off the canvas like a golf ball.
(Cyrus climbs to the top rope. Nick Knight, using all his strength to stand, falls into the ropes, shaking them, and crotching Cyrus on the top turnbuckle)
Guillermo O'Bannon: The fans are on their feet! Knight slowly walks to the corner where Williams is massaging his gumdrops.
Phil Blauer: The pain must be unbearable, as must be the pleasure.
Guillermo O'Bannon: Knight hits a Super Back Suplex!!
Referee Mike Peters: 1...2...(Cyrus Williams rolls his shoulder up)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Both men up slowly...Cyrus walks into a spinebuster! Knight hooks the leg!
Referee Mike Peters: 1...2...(Cyrus Williams kicks out)
(Both men get back to their feet and Cyrus ducks under a punch from Knight)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Cyrus hits a backdrop driver! He goes for a release dragon suplex, but Nick flips behind him Canadian style and lands on his feet.
(Knight hits a neckbreaker, and the fans pop huge)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Maple Leaf Cutter!!! Maple Leaf Cutter!!! A move named by one mister Robert Heenan. He said he would've named it the Diamond Cutter, but that infringed on a name he gave a move some years back.
Phil Blauer: According to my prompter that's the setup to his finisher, the Canadian Maple Leaf!
Guillermo O'Bannon: He locks it on!!! This Liontamer is a tribute to one of Nick's heroes, Lance Storm. Interestingly enough, it's Chris Jericho's old finisher.
Phil Blauer: Wouldn't it be funny if he loved Canada, but got everything wrong? Like maybe saying he liked Jim Carrey in "Wagons East".
Yolanda Ando: Or maybe he thought Canadian bacon was another name for the penis.
Guillermo O'Bannon: Cyrus Williams using all the strength God gave him, as well as some he got from the devil for sellin his soul, to power out of the most terrifying submission move north of the 49th parallel.
Phil Blauer: Knight with a roundhouse kick.
(The crowd is on their feet, but Cyrus reverses an irish whip and shoots Nick into the turnbuckles)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Williams raking his boot across his opponent’s face. He runs to the ropes opposite the corner, bounces off, and obliterates YOUR Canadian hero with a hard running kick. He calls that move the Facewash.
Phil Blauer: Williams hasn't had a facewash since the 90's. He's got crust on his lips from the Clinton administration.
Guillermo O'Bannon: Williams lifts Knight up...Vertical Drop Brainbuster on his Knee!! Cyrus Williams just hit his Christopher Reeve Driver!! This match is over!!!
Referee Mike Peters: 1...2...thr...(Nick Knight kicks out. The crowd pops.)
Guillermo O'Bannon: The frustration showing on the face of Cyrus Williams. He waits patiently for Knight to sit up, then bounces off the ropes and connects with a soccer kick exploding the poor man's nose yet again!
(Cyrus goes for The Blackout but Knight falls behind him and hits an Orton style modified backbreaker)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Nick Knight springboards off the top rope catching Cyrus with an Acrobatic Clothesline. He hits his Canadian Diamond Dust!!!
Phil Blauer: It's like a regular Diamond Dust, only they tax the shit out of it.
(Nick Knight sets Williams up for his Knighthood Stripped but Cyrus blocks it and counters with a rock bottom)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Blackout!!! Blackout!!! Blackout!!!
Referee Mike Peters: 1...2...3!!!
("Personal Jesus" by Marilyn Manson plays as The University Arena rocks with boos)
"Wild" Bill Kasal: "At 15 minutes 7 seconds; THE WINNER OF THE MATCH; ADVANCING TO THE SEMI-FINALS OF THE HARDKORE WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP TITLE TOURNAMENT...CYRUS WILLIAMS!!!"
Guillermo O'Bannon: Cyrus Williams advances in a tournament he claims shouldn't even be needed. Without a doubt he's got to be the favorite heading into semi's next month in San Diego!!
(Fade from Tom Lux's X to The Shootfighter in his lockerroom sitting on one of the bench seats as a Hardkore World Cameraman enters. He still doesn't notice the camera and doesn't care. He is wearing his black knee length wrestling tights, bloack wrestling boots black sharp steel studded forearm pads and he is wearing his black tight robe with a fierce red dragon on the back. The Shootfighter's long chest length dark hair is tied in a ponytail. The Shootfighter slowly looks up into the camera with his trademark hate, rage and fury on his face.)
The Shootfighter: "Everyone said that The Shootfighter was some broken down wrestler who just
comes back only to lose match after match! Everyone thinks that The Shootfighter should have called it a career! Do I listen?! No! You see I don't listen too well to those who think they are know it alls! I don't care what they say or think! The only thing they react to afterwards is the pain and blood that I deal out and spill!"
(The Shootfighter gets up from his bench.)
The Shootfighter: "I paid my dues and it finally paid off! I am one third of the six-man champions and current West Coast Champion! I wonder where all those so-called doubters are now?! They better not come near me to congradulate me and try to make me feel better which won't happen anyway! If they try they will see why The Shootfighter isn't very happy when it
comes to those suck ups! Now look at my waiste!"
(The cameraman pans down to The hootfighter's waiste)
The Shootfighter: "You notice there isn't a West Coast Title around my waiste?! (The cameraman nods) What is that belt?! The Hardkore Six-Man Title belt is the only one there at the moment! You see I won't carry my West Coast Title around my waiste until I have a title defense and when I do that is only when I'll defend it!"
(The cameraman pans back up to The Shootfighter's face.)
The Shootfighter: "Tonight The Warhammer Corp. and I defend the six-man titles against a very formidable team! That team of Stan "The Tank" Wilson, Tony Thunder and Bruno! Thre of the toughtest competitors in Hardkore America! I teamed with one and wrestled another but one I haven't faced! You probably know what I'm talking about!"
(The cameraman just shrugs puzzled. The Shootfighter's looks become more angrier.)
The Shootfighter: "You don't do you?! You must be new or too stupid to know your Hardkore World history! When I returned which shall be one year coming up that I teamed with Stan "The Tank" Wilson which also included Bobby Nowa and myself! The result was a first round loss in the six-man tournanemt! Interesting isn't it!"
(The cameraman nods yes.)
The Shootfighter: "I thought you would think that! You must be one of Phil Blauer's journalism students, since he knows nothing either! However, be lucky I'm going to take all my aggression out on my opponents tonight! Tony Thunder is one of the toughtest opponents I fought in Hardkore America! He's daring and not afraid to put his body on the line! I wouldn't be surprised if he puts on a bungee cord in order to keep from falling off the scaffold! Thus keeping his team from losing the match!"
(The cameraman shrugs.)
The Shootfighter: "Then there is Bruno! He's tall and tough as they could come! I'm respectful of him because of the fact that we came from the same material! The same School of Hard Knocks! The Old School way of training and not those flashy schools where you just develop some stupid gimmick only to burn out like a candle never to be lit again! The two of us paid our dues and earned our right! Not like everyone else! However, I like my opponents tall and
tough as well so I know I'm going to be able to see who is the better man!"
(The cameraman nods yes.)
The Shootfighter: "Don't think I'm afraid of a scaffold, since I'm not afraid of any match! I've
been practicing on a scaffold five to ten stories and beyond preparing for this match! You think I won't be ready?! I shall be ready and The Warhammer Corp. and I are going to be ready for this match! We aren't looking ahead in this match or any match for that matter! That's not us! We've been around for quite awhile! The Warhammer Corp. was around longer than I was but we've been through a lot! Don't think a scaffold match is any different! The tougher the match the better it is to prove how good you really are!"
(The cameraman nods yes.)
The Shootfighter: "Some would wonder if we are ready?! I say we are! Some wonder if our opponents are?! I think they are! However, the wild card is whether they want to turn this into a handicap match with Wilson, Thunder and Bruno against The Shootfighter knowing if one of them pins me they shoot ahead of the line to face me! Imagine that possibility! The person who does this won't be just happy with a six-man title but would want a West Coast Title Shot!"
(The cameraman shrugs.)
The Shootfighter: "Then again I have no intention of looking ahead until this match is over! Like I always say never look ahead into the future unless you get past the present! I never look ahead of the future! The reason it makes you lose focus and I have no intention of losing focus in this match! I am focused on this match! I am ready for this match! I am always ready for my matches! So Wilson, Thunder and Bruno prepare for the longest and most painful night in your lives! Prepare for the ultimate pain that's going to result after this match is over! Prepare for Mortal Kombat!"
(Fade out to Guillermo & Phil)
Guillermo O’Bannon: What ya got goin on there, Phil?
Phil Blauer: (holds up his tattooed wrist) It’s a Henna bracelet.
Guillermo O’Bannon: That washes off right?
Phil Blauer: Yup.
Guillermo O’Bannon: I thought girls just got those?
Phil Blauer: Nah, I get em all the time.
Guillermo O’Bannon: In the barbed wire battle royal in Palm Springs, eleven men battled for over an hour before it was down to “The Punisher” Dan Stein and Syberus. They then ripped and tore at each other with that evil invention with “The Punisher” Dan Stein coming out the winner.
Phil Blauer: You wanna talk evil invention, what about mace? Suddenly every waitress is able to turn a request for a sojourn back to my room into agonizing pain and horrible overreaction on the restraunt’s staff’s part.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Sometimes listening to you is like Biz Markie. Hard to understand and time consuming.
(“This Celluloid Dream” by AFI plays and the audience boos. The Hardkore World Light Heavyweight Champion Syberus walks out with a cocky smile on his face. A fan holds up a sign that says “Syberus is the 60 Minute Man”)
Phil Blauer: Someone should be monitoring that kid.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus definately has shown his endurance these past few months with two hour long matches in Seattle and Palm Springs. The one where he bested the top cruiserweights in Hardkore World impressed me the most.
Phil Blauer: Hey, I did the same match. Where’s my props? You know everyone just skims for my lines anyway. Who’s got a classic Guillermo line in their sig? No one, that’s who!
Yolanda Ando: Syberus is looking good with that Hardkore World Light Heavyweight Title belt over his black vinyl-look shorts with a pattern of silver roses flowing down the outside of both legs.
Phil Blauer: (points to Guillermo) You know your set-ups have been for shit lately, and I was gonna let that slide! That’s what I get for being nice.
“Wild” Bill Kasal: “The following non-title match is scheduled for one fall with a 30 minute time limit. Your referee is Ron Reid. Featuring first from The Continent of Europe; Standing 6 feet even; Weighing 230 pounds; He is The Current HARDKORE WORLD LIGHT HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION...SYBERUS!!!”
(The audience boos and jeers, with some respectful applause mixed in. Syberus hands his title belt to Ron Reid for safekeeping. Then The University Area falls abruptly dark. Overhead, on the tron, 3 symbols flash in and fade out slowly to the sound of a heartbeat)
<ALPHA>
<OMEGA>
<The Punisher skull>
(Over the sound system, “More Human Than Human” by White Zombie is heard starting to play. As the skull fades out, the arena lights up again, and standing there is “The Punisher” Dan Stein, raising his Peacemaker in the air over his head to the New Mexico crowd’s approval. His manager, Domino, stands in front of Stein, and leads him to the ring area. Many fans crane over the railing trying to slap his hand)
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dan Stein says he stole Lucifer Jones’ mask just for shits and giggles. It’s like when you found out Vince was the Higher Power. Just, “Why bother?”
Phil Blauer: It would have been worth it if he really did shit in the mask.
(Stein gives Syberus an intense look, then deftly flips the Peacemaker halfway into his hand and gives Syberus a garish look while simulating a throat slash with the Peacemaker. Domino draws the admiration of the Albuquerque fans by blowing kisses to the crowd and waving to the masses. Stein quickly flips the Peacemaker into his hand and spins the club, to demonstrate his deftness with it. Domino dutifully helps him remove his black trenchcoat)
Yolanda Ando: Dan Stein wears a simple tight black t-shirt, and plain black shorts, with black leather wrestling boots. Stein also wears black leather gloves with the fingers specially ripped out.
“Wild” Bill Kasal: “And his opponent; accompanied to the ring by his manager, Domino!” (The University Arena hoots & whistles) “From Detroit, Michigan; Standing 6 feet 7 inches tall; Weighing 285 pounds...’THE PUNISHER’ DAN STEIN!!!”
(The crowd gives him a warm reception. Then suddenly “The Overweight Lover’s in the House” by Heavy D & The Boyz starts to play)
Phil Blauer: Guillermo, what’s your mother’s entrance music playing for? I don’t think either of these guys want your mom’s idea of a threeway dance.
(Hardkore Jonnie Valentine walks through the curtain with a microphone in his hand. He gets in the ring)
Hardkore Jonnie Valentine: “Syberus, Punisher. This match is gonna be a great one, I can feel it. The two of you have technical skills rarely seen in today’s rush-jobs in tights which is why I pay so handsomely.”
Phil Blauer: Rush-jobs in tights. Those are $60. The extra twenty is for her to shoot the crossbow in your ass and believe me it’s worth it.
(Jonnie walks over to Dan Stein. He looks at Domino’s tits, then stares right in Dan Stein’s eyes)
Hardkore Jonnie Valentine: “Stein, you’ve screwed up more than a few of the matches I’ve put together lately, running around in other people’s masks. So when Lucifer Jones snatched that rag off your head I bet you were wondering why I didn’t do what he asked me to do, and that is put you two in any kind of match I could imagine. (turns away from Dan Stein and to the paying fans in attendence) Which brings me to why I’m out here. We’re about to witness a classic match between two of the best scientific wrestlers we have. But what will make it even better is that it’s a second round match in the Hardkore World Heavyweight Title Tournament. The winner of this match will go on to face Cyrus Williams in the semi-finals in San Diego.”
(Albuquerque goes ballistic, and Stein and Syberus’s stares go from Jonnie to one another. Both men smile and nod. The lights in University Arena go down, and Domino & Bill Kasal exit the ring. Ron Reid signals for the bell)
Phil Blauer: This match just got a little more TiVo-able!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dan Stein rushes him but Syberus is ready with a punch to the stomach, followed by a knee to his gut. Syberus stands him up straight with an uppercut. Syberus goes for a forearm, but Stein blocks it with his. He counters with a heart punch.
(Dan Stein applies a full nelson and the New Mexico crowd cheers. Syberus cries out in great pain as Stein presses down hard on his neck)
Phil Blauer: Power, Experience, and the seven inches Stein has on Syberus are adding up to a painful memory of the Southwest for the Hardkore World Light Heavyweight Champion.
Guillermo O’Bannon: The strongman forces Syberus down to one knee and then bashes his knee into Syberus’ temple. He double underhooks Syberus’ arms and butterfly suplexes him across the ring!
(University Arena applauds the height that Syberus got launched. Dan Stein headlocks Syberus)
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Punisher goes for a running bulldog, but Syberus pushes him off chestfirst into the turnbuckles. He pushes Stein’s back against the turnbuckles and whacks him with a hard chop! Ouch, another! And another!
(The fans “Wooo” at each chop as Syberus whacks away. Syberus pulls The Punisher’s shirt up and gives him another hard chop to his bare chest. Stein drops to his knees)
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus cracks him in the temple with a sharp side kick. Syberus applies a keylock to his arm.
Phil Blauer: You’d wanna keep anyone 6 feet 7 inches on the mat below you. It’s a good rule of thumb.
Guillermo O'Bannon: This isn't the first time these two have tangled. They wrestled before Down Under in Ring Syndicate Australia, where it was the The Punisher using those strong arms to come out the winner. Syberus trying to take out one of them, to keep that from happening again.
(Stein reaches out for the ropes but their too far away. Syberus squeezes down on Dan’s arm. Dan scoops up Syberus with his free arm and lifts him up)
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dan Stein tosses Syberus across the ring with a fallaway slam! Stein rolls over Syberus up with a la majistral!
Referee Ron Reid: 1...(Syberus kicks out)
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dan Stein hammerlocks both of Syberus’ arms behind him and lifts him up into a double flying chicken wing!!
Phil Blauer: Shades of Ricky Steamboat and Jazz.
(Syberus screams in pain as the power of The Punisher makes two broken arms a very real thing. Domino pounds on the mat in excitement. The fans start chanting “BREAK IT!!! BREAK IT!!! BREAK IT!!! BREAK IT!!! BREAK IT!!!”)
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dan Stein finally tires and has to drop Syberus. Syberus reaches underneath him and pulls his leg out from under him. The former Thomas Haven then applies an armbar.
(Syberus plants his knee into the ball of Dan Stein’s shoulder and tugs back on his arm. Syberus blows a kiss and winks at Domino, and she turns away in disgust)
Guillermo O’Bannon: The taller Dan Stein works his way back up to his knees so Syberus gets behind him and locks on a double chicken wing.
Phil Blauer: Syberus targeting Stein’s steroid induced arms there. If he breaks both of them, Flex magazine cancels the shoot. Then in a roid rage you beat the motel manager to death when he tells you to turn the TV down. I speak from experience.
(Syberus yanks up on both of Dan Stein’s arms, and he shouts out in agony. Domino covers her mouth in horror. Syberus lets go of The Punisher’s wrists and stands up behind him. He wraps a standing leg scissors around Stein’s head. He grabs his arm and applies a judo figure four armlock with his hands, then drops down to the mat)
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus locks Stein’s arms and head up in St.George Double Hold! Syberus tries to squash The Punisher’s head like a melon while clamping down on the udi-garami on his arm.
(Stein stomps the backs of his heels into the mat in pain. Syberus clamps down on his arms, and Ron Reid checks in to see if he submits. Stein waves him off and Syberus releases the udi-garami. Stein is able to slip out of the head scissors and get behind him with a full nelson)
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dan Stein back to that full nelson, pushing down on Syberus’ neck with all of that awesome power.
Phil Blauer: Softening him up for those neckbreakers he’s known round the world for.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dan Stein lifts Syberus up and drives Syberus ass first into the canvas as hard as he can! Stein gut wrenches him and tosses him across the ring with the suplex!
(The fans are on their feet and Dan Stein is feeding off their energy. He grabs Syberus by the throat and lifts him up with both arms, choking the life out of him! The crowd pops and University Arena lights up like day with all the flashbulbs. Syberus turns red from lack of air)
Guillermo O’Bannon: Stein tosses Syberus into the corner from nearly the center of the ring! He scoops him up, and charges into the center of the ring with a powerslam! He hooks the leg!
Referee Ron Reid: 1...2...(Syberus kicks out)
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dan Stein hammerlocks Syberus’ arm and chicken wing suplexes him! He pulls him up for a suplex, but Syberus blocks it with his calf. He responds with a vertical suplex but drops it into a neckbreaker!!
Referee Ron Reid: 1...2...(Dan Stein kicks out)
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus hammerlocks his arm again. He stands over The Punisher and yanks up on his wrist. Syberus chicken winging that same arm that he was punishing earlier.
(Syberus half nelsons Dan Stein and he pushes him facedown on to the mat. He tugs up on Stein’s hammerlocked arm while smashing his face into the mat with the half nelson. Ron Reid checks in to see if Stein wants to tap out. Domino applauds, trying to pump Stein up)
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus pacifying The Punisher with The European Three-Quarter Nelson. He pulls Stein back up to his knees by his hammerlocked arm and releases the half nelson. He stands up behind Stein and locks in a dragon sleeper with one arm, stretching him back. With his other arm, he brings Stein’s opposite arm over his neck and pulls down with it.
(The Albuquerque fans jeer and boo Syberus as he pulls back on his head & arm. Stein’s screams of pain are muffled by Syberus’ arm as he yanks back on his hand and pulls down on his arm. Domino shouts out words of encouragement but their doing him no good)
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus pulls Stein up to his feet in the Chicken Wing Dragon Stretch. But Stein rolls it over into an inverted swinging neckbreaker!
(The fans come alive and cheer. Stein stands over Syberus and cranks his head to the side. Ron Reid checks in but Syberus waves him away. Stein tries to twist his head right off)
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dan Stein pulls Syberus up on to his shoulder with a hanging backbreaker! Syberus’ back is bent the wrong way, as Stein bounces up & down.
(The crowd applauds Syberus predictament. Stein drops to his knees and jams his shoulder into Syberus’ back! Dan Stein pulls Syberus up in a suplex and leaves him up there, showing off his strength. Domino walks up & down the apron, applauding. Flashbulbs go off around University Arena before The Punisher drops him)
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus fell from quite a height there. Stein hangs on to him and lifts him up into another hanging suplex, but Syberus falls behind him and runs him into the ropes. He rolls back into a backroll press!
Referee Ron Reid: 1...2...(Dan Stein pulls him down into a backroll press)
Referee Ron Reid: 1...2...(Syberus kicks out)
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus hits the ropes and pins him with a lou thez press!
Referee Ron Reid: 1...2...(Dan Stein gets his shoulder up)
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus applies another udi-garami to Dan Stein’s aching arm. He has specificially targeted his left shoulder for some reason.
Phil Blauer: Is Dan Stein left handed?
Guillermo O’Bannon: I never thought to ask.
(Syberus clamps down on Stein’s twisted arm and he shouts out in agony. Ron Reid tries to convince him to submit, while Domino screams at him to shut up)
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus releases the udi-garami and pulls Stein up to his feet. He irish whips him into the turnbuckles, Stein staggers out, and he dips down for a backdrop. Stein whips him around with a corkscrew neckbreaker!
(The fans applaud. Dan Stein shakes his arm a little. He scoops Syberus up, then drops him into a michinoku driver I)
Referee Ron Reid: 1...2...(Syberus kicks out)
Guillermo O’Bannon: Stein gives Syberus a Chinese Clutch, where he pinches Syberus’ throat. Syberus chops away to get himself free. Instead, Dan Stein presses Syberus over his head.
(Dan Stein’s left arm begins to tremble so he drops Syberus’ throat on the top rope! Syberus rolls around the mat, covering his throat, and coughing. Dan Stein climbs to the top rope)
“Wild” Bill Kasal: “Twenty Minutes Have Elapsed. 10 Minutes Remaining.”
Phil Blauer: Looks like The Punisher’s arm went out on him there, so he made the best of it.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus runs up the ropes to meet Stein halfway on the second turnbuckle. Superplex from the Hardkore World Light Heavyweight Champion!! He rolls on top of Stein in a pinning position!
Referee Ron Reid: 1...2...(Dan Stein kicks out)
(University Arena sighs with relief. Syberus pulls Dan Stein up and irish whips him into the ropes)
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus spinebusters Stein into the mat!! He rolls on top of Stein!
Referee Ron Reid: 1...2...(Dan Stein kicks out)
(Stein gets up on his knees but Syberus thumbs him in the eye. Syberus then slaps Dan Stein across his face! The audience gasps)
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Punisher is not gonna take that lying down, and charges him but Syberus flapjacks his face into the mat!
(University Arena boos. Syberus sits on his back and applies a full nelson. He wraps his legs around Stein’s waist and locks on a body scissors as well. He tries to squeeze all the air out of The Punisher’s body while pulling him back with that all too familiar full nelson)
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus shifts to the side and squeezes Stein’s stomach while maintaining that full nelson. Stein grabs hold of the ropes and Ron Reid forces a break.
(Syberus pulls Stein up but The Punisher hits him low. Stein smashes his face into the mat with an x factor! The Albuquerque fans cheer, while Dan loosens up his shoulder)
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dan Stein pulls Syberus up. He rolls him around and then drops him with a hangman’s neckbreaker!
(Syberus rolls around the mat, clutching the back of his neck. Stein and Domino both make a breaking gesture to the fans, getting a pop for that)
Phil Blauer: Stein striving to break the Englishman’s neck en route to going on to face Cyrus Williams in San Diego!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dan Stein pulls Syberus’ head into his legs and pulls him up on his shoulder. He drops Syberus’s back on the top rope to get some added height for a slingshot powerbomb!! He cradles the legs!
(The audience gives another loud cheer as Ron Reid slides into position)
Referee Ron Reid: 1...2...(Syberus gets his shoulder up)
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dan Stein sets him up for a russian legsweep, but Syberus blocks it and counters with a half nelson facebuster!
(New Mexico boos. Syberus waistlocks Stein and northern lights suplexes him)
Referee Ron Reid: 1...2...(Dan Stein rolls his shoulder up)
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus locks on another armbar, with his knee resting on the back of The Punisher’s head. He wrenches back on his arm, and Stein cries out in anguish.
(Domino pounds on the ring apron to get the audience clapping. Soon, University Arena is clapping faster & faster, trying to rouse Dan Stein. Syberus grinds his knee into Stein’s skull, and yanks on his softened up arm)
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus releases the armbar and pulls Stein up to his feet in a front facelock. Stein rolls it up into a one armed diamond cutter!!
“Wild” Bill Kasal: ”Twenty Five Minutes Have Elapsed. 5 Minutes Remaining.”
(Fans cheer, and Stein tries to shake some feeling into his arm. He uses his good arm to front facelock Syberus)
Guillermo O’Bannon: “The Punisher” Dan Stein DDTs Syberus!! No rest for the wicked as Stein inverted facelocks him and pulls him back up to his feet. He drops him in a reverse neckbreaker he calls Twilight Hammer!!
Referee Ron Reid: 1...2...(Syberus gets his shoulder up)
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dan Stein pulls him up into another inverted facelock...”The White Chapel Horror” Lucifer Jones runs down to the ring.
(The fans boo and threaten Lucifer Jones, who stops just short of entering the ring. He just sneers at Dan Stein. Stein looks right at him and then twists Syberus around into a test drive!! The crowd is deafening, as Stein drapes his arm over him)
Referee Ron Reid: 1...2...thr...(Syberus gets his shoulder up)
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dan Stein lifts Syberus with two hands, so that they are back to back, hanging by Syberus chin!
Phil Blauer: All that work The Punisher put in on Syberus’ neck is paying off right now!
(Lucifer Jones starts stalking Domino, and the cheers from Dan Stein applying The Final Solution turn to boos. Jones laughs as a scared Domino backpeddles around the ring area. Syberus cries out in pain as he hangs by his head & neck over Stein’s back & shoulder)
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dan Stein finally drops The Final Solution to go outside the ring and cut off Lucifer Jones from attacking Domino. Lucifer Jones suddenly wants no part of Domino or Dan Stein.
(Syberus rolls out of the ring and catches Stein from behind with a reverse DDT on The University Arena floor!! The crowd boos and Syberus rolls Stein into the ring. Syberus clutches the back of his neck as he enters the ring)
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dan Stein inside cradles Syberus upon entering the ring!
Referee Ron Reid: 1...2...(Syberus kicks out)
Guillermo O’Bannon: “The Punisher” Dan Stein presses Syberus high over his head!
(The crowd takes many pictures as a sweat drenched Syberus is pressed high in the air. Stein’s left arm begins trembling and he drops Syberus but Syberus drops in a diamond cutter)
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Highlight Cutter!!
Referee Ron Reid: 1...2...3!!!
(The audience boos as “This Celluloid Dream” by AFI plays. Syberus rolls out of the ring and collects his Hardkore World Light Heavyweight Title belt from the timekeeper’s table. He walks away, as some fans stand and applaud the match itself)
“Wild” Bill Kasal: “At 28 minutes 27 seconds; THE WINNER OF THE MATCH, ADVANCING TO THE SEMI-FINALS OF THE HARDKORE WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT TITLE TOURNAMENT...SYBERUS!!!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus will now go back to California where at The Cox Arena, he’ll face two time Hardkore World Champion Cyrus Williams...Lucifer Jones inside the ring and laying the boots to Dan Stein! Stein has just wrestled close to a half hour, he’s nearly helpless!
(Lucifer Jones inverted facelocks Dan Stein and lifts him up high in the air. Jones then twists and drops him into a brainbuster)
Guillermo O’Bannon: Lucifer Jones driving The Punisher’s head into the mat with The Yankee Cracker!!
(Jones snarls at Domino, then walks out of the ring. The fans boo and toss garbage and debris at the departing White Chapel Horror)
***commercial***
COMING THIS JULY...
Hardkore World returns to the most violent town in the World. An area that has known bloodshed, racial hatred, and explosions far too well...and that's just when we blow in to town!
IRISH RAGE IN BELFAST
At Ulster Hall in Northern Ireland
This July, ask your local pay per view provider for details...
(Fade back up on Guillermo and Phil)
Guillermo O'Bannon: I can't wait to get back to Northern Ireland, Phil. I have something of a following over there. One could even call them "groupies".
Phil Blauer: One could even call them "men".
Guillermo O'Bannon: Coming up we have a match between Lonewolf McNeely and Lucifer Jones.
Phil Blauer: This is our first match in Hardkore History where a man from French Canada is wrestling a man from England. The French Canadians and England waged war once before in a little known battle known as the French & Indian War. It was in this battle that we learned of Canada's intolerance towards the Indians. First they made them wear feathers so they could be indentified. Then they kept them in concentration camps, and eventually used their slave labor to build the planes used to bomb our boys in Pearl Harbor. Fortunately we defeated them in the late 1980's to end slavery.
Guillermo O'Bannon: Sort of.
("In the Year of the Wolf" by Motorhead plays and the audience cheers. Rain leads Lonewolf McNeely down to the ring)
Phil Blauer: Rain, along with Domino & Judge Death; continuing a trend here lately of female managers.
Guillermo O'Bannon: Yet none of them will wrestle.
Phil Blauer: Hey, Miss Elizabeth never wrestled. That's what made her classy.
Guillermo O'Bannon: What about the booze and the pills?
Phil Blauer: That's what made her easy.
Guillermo O'Bannon: Lonewolf McNeely recently scored an impressive win over Kilroy Evans in Seattle.
Yolanda Ando: Lonewolf McNeely sporting some silver leather shorts with fangs on the rear, black boots with a wolf on the sides and black fringe hanging off the sides.
"Wild" Bill Kasal: "The following match is scheduled for one fall with a 30 minute time limit. Your referee is Mike Peters. Featuring first accompanied to the ring by his manager, Rain; From Montreal, Quebec, Canada; Standing 6 feet 4 inches tall; Weighing 250 pounds...LONEWOLF MCNEELY!!!"
(The crowd applauds as Rain gives him some last minute instructions. The lights turn a deep shade of blood red, and the sound of white noise blasts over the PA. "Homicidal" by Bad Luck 13 Riot Extravaganza plays and the fans boo, while a few smart marks applauded the oncoming Lucifer Jones. Jones comes out talking shit and berating whoever gets in his way. He walks out onto the entrance way with a small bottle of whiskey in his hands. He stares at Lonewolf in the ring, then downs it all at once. Jones throws it into the crowd, and the bottle smashes into some poor fan's head)
Guillermo O’Bannon: Lucifer Jones just hit local native american activist Michael Redfeather with that bottle of cheap whiskey!
Phil Blauer: I’m surprised Jonnie didn’t confiscate it in the gorilla position, “for safety reasons”.
Guillermo O'Bannon: Lucifer Jones looking VERY determined tonight, Phil, he's got a whole new look now. No more mohawk, snakeskin pants, and it looks like he's thrown away that filthy GG Allin t-shirt of his.
Phil Blauer: Determined? Disturbed is more like it.
(Lucifer Jones eyes the ring and smiles sadistically, his gold teeth bling blingin' under the lights, before running and sliding under the ropes where he cracks his neck a couple times and continues to run his mouth. He gets in Rain’s face, calling her a “tart” before Lonewolf McNeely gets between them)
Phil Blauer: Funny, it sounds but English, but not really. Maybe if we play it backwards.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Rain letting her bitch do her fighting for her. Lucifer Jones has had a traumatic few months, with someone running around in his dead father’s mask.
Phil Blauer: Dead? His father’s not dead, Guillermo. I just loaned Lucifer $400 for his father’s uterus surgery. He just told me before the match that the doctor’s say he’s gonna pull through.
Guillermo O’Bannon: That’s good to hear, Phil. At any rate, in Seattle, Lucifer Jones fought out of a sneak attack by Dan Stein and revealed him to be the culprit. They are reportedly in the works of having a leather strap match in the future.
Yolanda Ando: No leather straps here, Guillermo. But he does have on some snake skin leather pants tucked into a pair of well worn combat boots. He's shirtless and his ripped frame is covered in various tattoos, most notably "Pro-Pain" tattooed across his stomach and "HARD KORE" on his knuckles. His hair is buzzed tight to his skull and most of his teeth are capped with gold. A long nasty scar wraps around his throat.
Guillermo O’Bannon: He has a look and style almost identical to a Hardkore World legend, the three time Hardkore World Champion Matthew X. He held the Hardkore World title for nearly two years as The Masked Anarchist before being upset & unmasked at Hardkore Hall by “The Devil’s Son-in-Law” Quasimoto Jones. He subsequently won the title back in a rematch, but was stripped of the title and then fired after attacking promoter Russell Kansas and giving him that infamous barbed wire enema.
(The collective assholes of the entire nation simultaneously clench)
“Wild” Bill Kasal: “And his opponent, from White Chapel, England; Standing 6 feet 2 inches tall; Weighing 220 pounds... LUCIFER JONES!!!”
(University Arena boos and jeers, Lucifer Jones who is still screaming obscenities at Rain, who is outside the ring. Then "Stem" by DJ Shadow plays and Hardkore Jonnie Valentine walks out)
Phil Blauer: Jeez, this is his third appearence of the night. What’s he think, he works here?
Guillermo O’Bannon: He’s trying to sweeten the deal with The Surreal Life people. He doesn’t look good though. He seems really drunk, even for Jonnie’s standards.
Phil Blauer: Talk about sweetening the deal. He’s a shoe-in for that show now! That show loves washed up alcoholics like Micheal Vick loves skanks. Didn’t you drive Jonnie home once and he threw up in your backseat? Then he put your jacket over it to hide it?
Guillermo O’Bannon: No, you did that.
Phil Blauer: That Whopper was gross.
Hardkore Jonnie Valentine: “...so I guess your all wondering...” (trails off, so he can burp...again. OH, wait, one more) “What?”
Phil Blauer: (sniffs) Pastrami?
Hardkore Jonnie Valentine: “Round two!!”
Lonewolf & Lucifer: “What??”
Hardkore Jonnie Valentine: “What do I gotta spell it out for you? This match, it’s your second round match in the Hardkore Thingamabobber.”
Lucifer Jones: “’at’s good enough for me, then.”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Lucifer Jones slaps Lonewolf McNeely ! And this match is started, a second round match in the Hardkore World Heavyweight Title Tournament, I gather.
Phil Blauer: Nah, your way off. Jonnie just propositioned the two of em for gay sex. His mack vibe’s way off though.
Guillermo O’Bannon: I don’t know if Jonnie’s in the right condition to be making these kinds of decisions.
Phil Blauer: Are you kidding? Now is the time to strike! Right after this, I’m gonna ask him if I can get Hardkore Helloween 2005 off. I wanna spend Christmas in the Virgin Islands with my agent and his wife, Stella.
(Lucifer Jones spits in Lonewolf McNeely’s face. He wipes it off and turns beet red. He strikes Jones upside his chin with a palm strike)
Guillermo O’Bannon: Lucifer is backed up a few steps, then measures McNeely and levels him with a punch to the bridge of his nose. McNeely gets up to his hands and knees just in time for Jones to kick his face in off the ropes.
(Lonewolf McNeely catches another punch from Jones, and responds with a heart punch. McNeely pops him in the face with an elbow strike to his face, backing Lucifer into the corner)
Guillermo O’Bannon: Jones blocks a punch with his forearm and responds with a right hand! He swings McNeely into the corner and lays in to him with several punches, and this has been nothing but a fight thus far!
(Jones slaps McNeely so hard he falls to the mat in the corner. He then kicks him hard in the face. He pulls Lonewolf up and irish whips him into the ropes, tiltawhirl facefirst slamming him! The Albuquerque fans boo, and Lucifer Jones applies a wakigatame)
Guillermo O’Bannon: Lucifer Jones pulls up on Lonewolf McNeely’s whammybarred arm.
Phil Blauer: Mike Peters checking in but Lonewolf looks to be in good shape thus far, armwise.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Jones uses the wakigatame to pull McNeely up to his feet and lift him up in a cradle suplex. He drops in a fisherman’s buster instead!! Lucifer Jones applies a butterfly lock!
(Rain claps, trying to pump up her ex-husband. Lucifer Jones rocks back on Lucifer’s back, with his arms locked)
Guillermo O’Bannon: Lonewolf McNeely shaking his head, “No”, refusing to give up his spot in the Hardkore World Heavyweight Title Tournament. What ya making there, Phil?
Phil Blauer: It's a mother's day card for the Mom of the chick I'm seeing. I'm hoping it'll smooth things over after I sort of made a comment about her dog looking like something other dogs throw up.
Guillermo O'Bannon: Some people can be sensitive about the way their dog looks.
Phil Blauer: Well I think timing was the issue here, since I had just backed over it.
Guillermo O'Bannon: Lucifer Jones releases the butterfly and steps out of the ring to the apron. He waits for Lonewolf McNeely to get to his feet. Rain tries to warn him but Lucifer Jones comes off the middle of the top rope with a springboard DDT, but Lonewolf McNeely reverses it into a spinebuster!!
(The fans give Lonewolf McNeely a huge ovation! Lonewolf McNeely grabs Lucifer Jones by the throat and then drops him into a tigerbomb)
Referee Mike Peters: 1...(Lucifer Jones rolls his shoulder up)
Guillermo O’Bannon: Lonewolf McNeely scoops Jones up. He goes for a michinoku driver II but Lucifer inside cradles him, holding the second rope unbeknownst to Peters!!
Referee Mike Peters: 1...2...thre...(Lonewolf McNeely kicks out)
(Audience sighs with relief. Many thought it was over)
Guillermo O’Bannon: Lucifer Jones grabs McNeely by the legs and wheelbarrow german suplexes him with a bridge!!
Referee Mike Peters: 1...2...(Lonewolf McNeely rolls his shoulder up)
Guillermo O’Bannon: Lucifer Jones gets underneath his legs and lifts him up into an electric chair. He then drops backwards into a japanese ocean suplex!!
Referee Mike Peters: 1...2...(Lonewolf McNeely gets his shoulder up)
(Universty Arena applauds at all the close two counts. Lucifer Jones pulls him up into a waistlock. He backdrop drivers him but McNeely flips behind him on his feet. He punches Jones a few times and then floors him with a spinning discus punch! The fans cheer)
Guillermo O’Bannon: McNeely irish whips Lucifer Jones into the ropes and takes him out with a flying spinning kick!
(McNeely climbs to the top rope, and backflips into a shooting star press!! The Albuquerque fans applaud & whistle for that move. Peters slides into position)
Referee Mike Peters: 1...2...(Lucifer Jones kicks out)
Guillermo O’Bannon: McNeely waits for Jones to get up and then whacks him with a yakuza kick off the ropes! McNeely climbs to the top rope, but Jones catches him up there and tosses him off the turnbuckle so he gets crotched on the rope!
(University Arena groans in sympathy, while Jones’ eyes roll into the back of his head. Lucifer applies full nelson)
Guillermo O’Bannon: Lucifer Jones release dragon suplexes him on to the back of his head!!
Phil Blauer: He was folded quicker than an origami artist on speed.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Lucifer Jones pulls him over his head in a crucifix. He charges towards the ropes and razor’s edges him over the top into the steel guardrail!!!
Phil Blauer: Ugh!
(Audience roars at the sick bump, chanting “HARD-KORE WORLD!!! HARD-KORE WORLD!!! HARD-KORE WORLD!!! HARD-KORE WORLD!!! HARD-KORE WORLD!!!“ Lonewolf McNeely bleeds from the back of his neck, leaning against the railing. Lucifer Jones violently grabbs a beer bottle from a fat guy in a Bruno t-shirt)
Guillermo O’Bannon: The guy has his girlfriend with him, so he has to front.
Phil Blauer: Lucifer Jones does him a favor and pushes him to the floor before he hurts himself.
(The guy in the Bruno shirt’s girlfriend starts mouthing off to Lucifer Jones, and University Arena security wisely seperate the two. Lucifer Jones laughs at her and finishes the rest of her boyfriend’s beer)
Phil Blauer: They should put “Can’t Even Participate In A Sporting Event Without A Drink” on the AA checklist.
Guillermo O’Bannon: (clutches his beer to his chest) How dare you sir? HOW DARE YOU!! I say good day to you.
Phil Blauer: Guillermo...
Guillermo O’Bannon: I say GOOD DAY to you, sir!
(Lucifer Jones goes after McNeely who’s being tended to by Rain. Jones shoves her out of the way and clubs McNeely in the head with that beer bottle, but it doesn’t break. The fans wince at the sound of the glass bouncing off his skull)
Phil Blauer: Jones crashes that bottle against Lonewolf’s head and this time, luckily for McNeely, it broke.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Lucifer Jones slices that broken bottle across Lonewolf McNeely’s forehead! Blood gushes out from a large cut, courtesy of that razor sharp glass. Jones atomic drops Jones and crotches him into the cornerpost!
(The crowd boos, and McNeely german suplexes the back of his head into the guardrail!! Jones picks him up by the hair and rolls him back into the ring, but with his head hanging off the apron. Blood is really coming out from that cut on the back of his head, soaking his shoulders. Meanwhile the huge laceration on his forehead is working the front. Lucifer walks over to the security rail to grab a steel folding chair from the fat guy in the Bruno t-shirt’s girlfriend)
Phil Blauer: She’s never coming to one of these again. You can just tell.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Jones runs and tires to cave in Lonewolf’s skull with that chair, but McNeely helicopters around to avoid the chair. Jones hits nothing, and McNeely hops to the middle of the top rope. He backflips into an asai moonsault smacking him into the railing!!
(University Arena makes their biggest pop of the match! McNeely rolls him back into the ring, and picks up the chair that Lucifer introduced into the match. He climbs to the top turnbuckle, and then atomic arabian facebusters the chair into Jones face!! The crowd pops even louder and Mike Peters slides into position)
Referee Mike Peters: 1...2...thr- (Lucifer Jones kicks out)
Guillermo O’Bannon: A hideously bloody Lonewolf McNeely pulls Jones head into his legs and pulls him up on his shoulder. He runs into the center of the ring and ligerbombs him!!
Referee Mike Peters: 1...2...(Lucifer Jones rolls his shoulder up)
Guillermo O’Bannon: Lonewolf McNeely wipes some blood out of his eyes, and climbs to the top turnbuckle. He comes off with a corkscrew plancha!
(The fans applaud that move, and McNeely tries to see through all of his plasma. He irish whips Jones into the ropes and goes for a huracanrana but Jones reverses it into a jumping sitdown ganso bomb!! Albuquerque boos)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Lucifer Jones double underhooks McNeely's arms and lifts him up over his shoulder into a canadian backbreaker. He bends McNeely's back over his shoulder with his arm's butterflied behind him.
Phil Blauer: There, I'm all done with my card.
Guillermo O'Bannon: What does it say?
Phil Blauer: Well, I drew her dog on the front.
Guillermo O'Bannon: He's all smashed up, ew, he only has three legs.
Phil Blauer: Give the artiste a break, the only picture I had to work with was the picture I had Boone take at the scene. Like women always tell you, it's what's on the inside that counts. (opens the card and reads) "Happy Mother's Day. On this happiest of happy days, it's best you don't picture the horribly degrading things I do to your daughter. For both of us."
(Jones drops Lonewolf headfirst from the backbreaker into a Death Driver!! The impact makes McNeely sit up and then fall back down to the mat. Lucifer Jones climbs up to the top turnbuckle)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Lucifer Jones comes off the top with a leg drop!!
Referee Mike Peters: 1...2...(Lonewolf McNeely kicks out)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Lucifer Jones sits on McNeely's back and applies a face ripper camel clutch, fish hooking his mouth & eyes, making Lonewolf's bleeding ten times worse.
(Blood continues to pour over Jones' hands and fingers, as Jones rips & tears at McNeely's face. Rain has to look away)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Lonewolf McNeely pushes up from the mat, and gets to his feet, with Jones still piggybacked behind him.
Phil Blauer: The expression "piggyback" comes from "pick a pack". In the old days — and I guess even now — it was common practice for individuals who had to carry a heavy object to invariably place it on their back. This method of carrying things around was called "pick a pack". And `pick a pack' when said quickly became `pickapack'. Parents often carried their children "pickapack" too. But children because they loved animals so much changed "pickapack" to "piggyback".
Guillermo O'Bannon: Alright that's it, I'm taking these away.
Phil Blauer: NO!!
(Guillermo picks up all of Phil's Snapple caps, and tosses him over his shoulder to the front row. Lonewolf McNeely backs Lucifer into the corner and squashes him in the turnbuckles. McNeely inverted facelocks him and steps up to the second rope)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Lonewolf McNeely flips forward into a Sands of Time!!
(University Arena pops. McNeely fireman's carries Lucifer onto his shoulder and then sits him on the top turnbuckle. He steps up to the second rope, and butterflies his arms)
Guillermo O'Bannon: McNeely comes off with a Lights Out pedigree!! The crowd is really on McNeely's side here tonight. He grabs Lucifer Jones around the head and pulls him back into a dragon clutch!! Rain is shaking the ropes with excitement, as McNeely tries to bend The White Chapel Horror in half.
Phil Blauer: He's not The White Chapel Horror anymore.
Guillermo O'Bannon: Yeah, I noticed that. Why?
Phil Blauer: We were starting to catch shit from the White Castle people. Ever since the Harold & Kumar movie, they're a little protective of their image.
Guillermo O'Bannon: And how could Lucifer Jones hurt that image?
Referee Mike Peters: "You wanna tap?"
Lucifer Jones: "Fuck off ya, bleedin cunt!!"
Guillermo O'Bannon: Point taken.
(Lonewolf McNeely releases the dragon clutch and irish whips him into the ropes. He tiltawhirls him but he rolls out of it and he tiltawhirls McNeely up onto his shoulder, then charges into the center of the ring with a ligerbomb)
Referee Mike Peters: 1...2...(Lonewolf McNeely rolls his shoulder up)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Lucifer Jones kips up in front of Lonewolf and snap DDTs his skull into the mat!
Phil Blauer: Jones definately showing off the training he's been doing in preperation for this match and the Hardkore World Heavyweight Title Tournament in general.
(The fans boo & jeer Lucifer. Jones lifts McNeely up into a high angle stalling german suplex, then suddenly twists in mid-drop and drops him into a reverse powerbomb while also landing on the small of their back with an elbow drop)
Guillermo O'Bannon: "Assault & Battery"!!
Phil Blauer: I will give it to Jones. He definately fits more moves into one then I've ever seen.
Guillermo O'Bannon: Jones climbs to the top turnbuckle from inside the ring. Lonewolf McNeely gives his butt a little shove and crotches him. He climbs to the second turnbuckle and inverted facelocks him. McNeely reverse superplexes him!!
(Lucifer Jones lands on his face and the impact bounces him up to his knees. McNeely stands up and tattoos him in the face with a shining wizard! The crowd applauds at the sound of McNeely's black boot smacking Jones' face)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Lonewolf McNeely pulls his head into his legs, and chicken wings one of his arms then piledrives him!! He covers Lucifer.
Referee Mike Peters: 1...2...(Lucifer Jones kicks out)
(Fans cheer as "The Punisher" Dan Stein and Domino step out. Dan Stein's shoulder is heavily taped and Domino is holding an ice pack to his elbow. He still has a leather strap in his hand. They both take their time, slowly walking down to the ring)
Guillermo O'Bannon: What are Dan Stein & Domino doing out here wuth that belt?
Phil Blauer: Probably scouting him for the leather strap match. Or looking to get his dead father's mask back.
Guillermo O'Bannon: It's Lucifer Jones' dead father's mask!
Phil Blauer: You know that man is lying in a hospital bed, praying to Allah that his body doesn't reject that uterus. And you already have him dead & buried.
Guillermo O'Bannon: Stein could be pissed he's been eliminated from the Hardkore World Heavyweight Title Tournament. When he heard, Jones match is tonight, he may be looking to play spoiler.
Phil Blauer: Must you be so negative? Maybe he just came here to get a look at the match? those monitors back there are shit. Dracon Xanathos looks like a guy on those crappy TVs.
Guillermo O'Bannon: McNeely irish whips Lucifer into the ropes, but Jones hops on to the middle of the second rope and lionsaults into a tornado DDT!! What a move!
(The crowd have to give it up for that move, and Domino & Stein mocking clap for it until Stein whips the corner post with the leather strap. Stein hurts his arm, and Domino reapplies the ice pack. Jones slumps him over the top rope and climbs to the second turnbuckle. Jones sets him up for a russian leg sweep and points at Stein)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Lucifer Jones backflips him facefirst into an Air Raid!!! He just decimated him with that flying C4, and now he inverted facelocks him...he sets him up for The Yankee Cracker but Stein gets up on the apron and whips him with that leather strap!! He's gonna screw up Lucifer Jones' tournament match!
(Jones fireballs Dan Stein!!! Stein flops off of the apron, and Domino rushes to his side. He turns around into a superkick from Lonewolf McNeely and the crowd delights with glee)
Phil Blauer: Lucifer Jones tossed a fireball into The Punisher's face but may have paid dearly for it by giving up control of the match.
Guillermo O'Bannon: Lonewolf McNeely presses Jones over his head, but Lucifer falls behind him and irish whips him into the ropes. He flapjacks him into an emerald frozen brainbuster!! He covers McNeely!
Referee Mike Peters: 1...2...3!!!
(The fans boo and toss trash into the ring. "Homicidal" by Bad Luck 13 rings through University Arena)
"Wild" Bill Kasal: "At 17 minutes 4 seconds; THE WINNER OF THE MATCH, ADVANCING TO THE SEMI-FINALS OF THE HARDKORE WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT TITLE TOURNAMENT...LUCIFER JONES!!!"
Guillermo O'Bannon: Lucifer Jones is two matches away from becoming Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion!
(Rain helps Lonewolf McNeely out of the ring, while Lucifer Jones walks over to a burned Dan Stein and rolls him under the bottom rope)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Jones has a somewhat helpless Dan Stein in the ring, fresh from burning him with that massive fire and him wrestling for nearly half an hour with Hardkore World Light Heavyweight Champion Syberus. He whips him with that leather strap!
(The Albuquerque fans boo as Lucifer Jones whips Dan Stien over & over on his injured arm!! He wraps the leather strap around Stien's wrist)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Lucifer Jones irish whips Stein but then uses that leather strap to yank back on Stein's injured arm!! Stein clutching his wing and Lucifer pulls him up by the hair. He sets him up for a stunner and then pitches him forward right on to his head with The Yankee Cracker!!
(The crowd boos Lucifer Jones as he stands on Dan Stein, with Domino screaming at him from the outside. Suddenly a man in a red mask runs out from the crowd)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Wait...another one? There's a man in Lucifer's red mask again, and he grabs a steel chair from a fan. He sneaks into the ring behind Lucifer Jones, and bends the frame on Jones skull!! He grabs that leather strap and begins whipping a bloody Lucifer Jones over & over!
(The crowd is cheering wildly, in a fever pitch. Jones yelps out in agony until the man mercifully stops and stomps him in the head for good measure. The masked man helps a woozy, one armed Dan Stein to his feet. Domino suddenly feels safe enough to enter the ring)
Phil Blauer: Domino seems to know him, trusts him. I can tell because she's the exact opposite with me. Alot more screechy, hitty, and always with the "someone please help me"!
Guillermo O'Bannon: The masked man picks Lucifer Jones up and hits him with his own Yankee Cracker!! He presents him to Dan Stein who pulls him up into a pumphandle. He lifts him up onto his shoulder into a sit down slam he calls The Reckoning!!!
("More Human Than Human" by White Zombie plays and Domino, Dan Stein, and the masked man leave together)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Whenever this strap match will be, it won't be soon enough for these two...and whoever this third guy is.
Phil Blauer: My guess is Bruno.
Guillermo O'Bannon: But the masked man was less that seven feet tall and white.
Phil Blauer: Exactly, how convenient!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Wow, fans. We’ve had three tournament matches thus far, and we’re only on our fifth match.
Phil Blauer: Fifth?? How many is there?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Nine.
Phil Blauer: No one said shit about nine anything. I do eight matches. Ask Phil’s Agent. My contract goes a little something like this: “Unless part of a PPV which will air an agreed upon number of promotional spots for The ‘Doctor’ Phil Show; Phil does eight matches...” (points it out for Guillermo) EIGHT! “...in accordance with his parole conditions. Plus, he may get a jelly donut of any filling he desires. Jelly donut can also be taken to mean custard donut or London Broil. The aforementioned ‘Donut Provision’ could also be used to recieve a danish of any flavor of his choosing. Oral sex is to be provided by Yolanda Ando if a ‘jelly donut’ is not found within a reasonable time.”
Yolanda Ando: Yeah, I hate that thing. And Boone, how friggin hard is it to find a donut?
(Phil winks at former internet prowrestling.com internet reporter Matt Boone)
former internet prowrestling.com internet reporter Matt Boone: Uh, you’d be surprised, Yoli. Those places close early. (winks at Yolanda)
Yolanda Ando: I think your supposed to wink at Phil.
Phil Blauer: Fuck this, eight matches and I’m out. (pulls his IFB ear peice out and yells into it) Fuck you, Robert! Get Boone to do it. I got plans!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Anyway, this next match pits two former champions of recent past, former Hardkore West Coast Champion Big Bad Bill and Hardkore America Heavyweight Champion Death Gojira. In Seattle, Gojira defeated Stan Wilson to proclaim himself King of the Monsters. Big Bad Bill wasn’t so lucky, losing his Hardkore West Coast title to Shootfighter after a five month title reign. Now the two meet up in a match tonight. Bill has always been the one willing to take it to the next level, but Bill has never wrestled anyone with the sadistic intent of Death Gojira.
(“Headless Children” by WASP plays and the fans give him a mixed reaction. Smoke fills the entrance ramp and black lights cause a purplish glow as they flicker in the background. When the main guitar riff hits, Big Bad Bill appears through the smoke and walk towards destiny)
Phil Blauer: His entrance kinda reminds me of Edge. Just without the cup of soda bouncing off his face and scratching from Lita’s dirty na-na.
Guillermo O’Bannon: That guy just fell assbackwards into the greatest heel role in a lifetime. Watch them fuck it up with them using Edge to turn HHH face. It seems kind of weird to see Big Bad Bill without a big shiny title belt around his waist. Ever since I’ve known him he’s either been Ring Syndicate Australian Champion or Hardkore West Coast Champion.
Phil Blauer: But Bill is most famous for his meticulous, almost obsessive study of any opponent he’s put against. He switches his style up, adjusting it for each different wrestler. He knows more about each wrestler’s finisher than I do.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Name one finisher that a wrestler here does.
Phil Blauer: Uh...Sure. Give me a sec. (bops his head to “Headless Children”) Huh? Oh sorry...right. Well, I do believe Big Stan does a corkscrew (covers his mouth) shinkinsteinerplexinslam...’87?
Yolanda Ando: Bill is wearing that long trench coat, given to him from the US Army...not Salvation Army. That is confirmed. Under that are indigo cotton pants with black boots that go to mid-shin. Along with that, a black belt & indigo tank top and a pair of black weight-lifting gloves.
“Wild” Bill Kasal: “The following contest is scheduled for one fall with a 30 minute time limit. Your referee is Ron Reid. Featuring first, from Asbury Park, New Jersey; Standing 6 feet 5 inches tall; Weighing 235 pounds...BIG BAD BILL!!!”
(The fans give him some applause. Then "Godzilla's Theme" by Akira Ifukube plays and the roof of University Arena nearly blows off. Death Gojira walks out with Makoto Jupiter, The Amazing Taylor, Tuxedo Mask, and Eerie Von. He’s carrying his barbed wire wrapped wooden chair, and Tux follows behind him, handing roses out to Albuquerque’s prettiest women)
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask looking unbelievably fit compared to what he used to look like. He’s in the best shape of his life!
(Phil slides away from Guillermo. Death Gojira steps into the ring and gives them a “REEEOORRRNGHK!” The audience “REEEOORRRNGHK!”s back. Gojira smiles then turns to Bill and shrieks, “REEEOORRRNGHK!”)
Yolanda Ando: And a REEEOORRRNGHK to you too. Gojira is wearing black shorts and boots, kneepads, taped up knuckles, and of course those hideous godzilla spikes tattooed down along his spine. He’s got a t-shirt that says “I Destroyed Big Stan & Seattle...All in a Day’s Work- King of the Fuckin Monsters 2005”
former prowrestling.com internet reporter Matt Boone: Guillermo & Mr.Blauer, my sources tell me the stampede to the souvenir stand to be the first to own that shirt seems to have claimed quite a few lives. The Sno-Cone lady, a University of New Mexico student who has confirmed that she will not exchange emails with me, tells me that it was like a scene from a war. Bodies strewn among foam fingers & Rally Jackson novelty dreadlock hats. The injured, sliding among a gel on the University Arena floor; comprised of spilled beer, popcorn butter, & filth. She says it was the worst she’s seen in her three months working here.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Thank you, Matt. Please let us know if anything breaks on this developing story.
Phil Blauer: (pressing his finger to his IFB ear piece) Matt, can you hear me?
former prowrestling.com internet reporter Matt Boone: Yes, Mr. Blauer. In fact, I’m standing pretty close to you.
Phil Blauer: (continues to talk to the camera) Are there any Americans among the dead?
former prowrestling.com internet reporter Matt Boone: Uh, yes. Seems to be, all of them.
Phil Blauer: Aw. Tough break.
former prowrestling.com internet reporter Matt Boone: I think the one girl could be from Australia, but that would be a guess until I heard her speak.
Phil Blauer: I understand.
“Wild” Bill Kasal: “And his opponent; from Monster Island, Japan; Standing 6 feet 2 inches tall; Weighing 235 pounds; He is the reigning King of the Monsters...DEATH GOJIRA!!!”
(The New Mexico crowd gives him the loudest pop of the night and Mako, Tux, & Eerie Von do their trademark poses to elicit more cheers. Then “I Let The Rhytmn Hit Em” by Eric B & Rakim plays. Hardkore Jonnie Valentine staggers out, completely blitzed now)
Phil Blauer: I was kind of expecting this.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Is this gonna be the last match of the second round? That all of the second round was going to be tonight?
Phil Blauer: It is? No, I just knew Jonnie was gonna be a drunken mess not even halfway through the night.
Hardkore Jonnie Valentine: “Hey...(taps mic) Hello? Can ya hear me?”
(Crowd cheers back at him. Bill and Gojira try and keep one eye on Jonnie and one eye on each other)
Hardkore Jonnie Valentine: “Well to the Skybox guy that’s supposed to make sure my glass is never empty...your not doing a very good job. If you can hear me, please report to the Skybox with a crown & coke, I’d appreciate it. As it pertains to you two, one of you is gonna have a great car trip ahead of them to the beach. The other will have a very long drive through the desert. Because when we return to San Diego, it will be the Semi-Finals of the Hardkore World Heavyweight Title Tournament. As we know, Cyrus Williams will be taking on the Hardkore World Light Heavyweight Champion Syberus. What we now know is Lucifer Jones will be taking on the winner of this match.”
( Ron Reid signals for the bell, and Big Bad Bill mauls Gojira with powerful ninjitsu punches. He punches Gojira hard in the heart, then follows quickly with a right cross, then a stomach punch, followed with a hard jab to the chin)
Guillermo O’Bannon: Bill taking over early with those punches he perfected after over twenty one years studying in the Togakure clan of ninjutsu. Bill palm strikes Gojira in the nose!
(Gojira covers his nose and pokes Bill in the eye. Gojira twists Big Bad Bill’s arm. After some tense moments, Gojira chicken wings it around Bill’s back and inverted facelocks him)
Guillermo O’Bannon: Death Gojira reverse DDTs him on his hammerlocked arm! He scoops Bill up and twists it into a reverse bulldog!!
Referee Ron Reid: 1...(Big Bad Bill kicks out)
Guillermo O’Bannon: Death Gojira pulls him up to his feet, but Bill cracks his shins with a sweep kick.
(Gojira clutches his shin, and hops up & down in pain. Bill catches him under the chin with a superkick! The fans boo, and he applies an abdominal stretch. He plants his one foot, and yanks back hard on his arm)
Guillermo O’Bannon: Big Bad Bill using his height advantage for very painful leverage on that abdominal stretch.
Phil Blauer: Bill using those three inches on him like Guillermo’s last girlfriend’s reason for leaving him for “Skyler”.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Hey! She said she’s going through something she can’t explain. We’re just taking a break until she gets her head together and I get a real job.
(Death Gojira hiptosses Bill out of the abdominal stretch. The fans cheer and Gojira sets him up for a suplex. He grabs hold of his indigo pants and lifts Bill up in a hanging suplex. University Arena lights up like daylight with all the flashbulbs)
Guillermo O’Bannon: Gojira swings out of the hangman’s suplex into a swinging ace crusher!!
Referee Ron Reid: 1...(Big Bad Bill kick out)
(The crowd applauds that move, while Gojira grabs Bill’s leg like a boston crab. He tucks Bill’s legs under his arms and lifts him up. Gojira spins around into a sitdown spinebuster dropping Bill on the back of his neck)
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Suncrusher!! The crowd goes wild and Ron Reid begins the count!
Referee Ron Reid: 1...2... (Big Bad Bill rolls his shoulder up)
Guillermo O’Bannon: Death Gojira sits on Bill’s back, and straightjackets his arms into a camel clutch. Gojira using Bill’s own arms to create a head vice!
(Random fans shout out well wishings and lewd requests to Makoto Jupiter. Eerie Von glares at the most egregious offenders, and they quickly pipe down. Gojira pulls back on Bill’s locked fingers)
Guillermo O’Bannon: Gojira releases his hands and pulls him up in a waistlock. He pulls him up for a belly to back suplex, but Bill rolls forward into a side headlock takedown!
(Big Bad Bill headlocks Gojira, grinding his head & ears. Gojira rolls Bill on to his shoulders in a cradle)
Referee Ron Reid: 1...(Big Bad Bill rolls back over into a headlock)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Big Bad Bill pulls Gojira into his legs and pulls him up on his shoulder. He powerbombs him on the top rope to get some height and then slingshot powerbombs him into the center of the ring!!
(Albuquerque boos Bill, and he pulls Gojira's head into his legs. He lifts him up and piledrives him into canvas)
Referee Ron Reid: 1...2...(Death Gojira kicks out)
Phil Blauer: Big Bad Bill seems to be working down Death Gojira's head & neck area. What I like to call the H-eck Area.
Guillermo O'Bannon: Bill pulls Gojira up, but DG ducks the discus punch. Death Gojira butterflies his arms and lifts him up on his shoulder. He flips him forward into a reverse tigerbomb!!
(Bill bounces off the mat. While back to back, Death Gojira slips his arms around under Bill's arms and then under his chin. Then, when set up, DG drops Big Bad Bill in a seated piledriver, dropping him directly upon the top of his head)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Monster X Strikes Backdriver!! Gojira stomping around the ring and stands on the second rope to scream at the fans.
Death Gojira: “REEEOORRRNGHK!”
(Death Gojira pumphandles Bill up on his shoulder and then drops him in a steiner screwdriver!! University Arena gives Gojira a huge ovation, and he rolls him over into a pin)
Referee Ron Reid: 1...2...(Big Bad Bill kicks out)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Death Gojira irish whips Bill but Bill reverses it and irish whips him chestfirst into the turnbuckles. He follows him in with a hard kick in between the shoulders.
(Death Gojira staggers out backwards and Bill cracks him on the back of the head with an axe kick. He then hovers over him with a full nelson. He plants his feet and pulls up on his arms)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Bill continuing to isolate the back of Gojira's head & shoulders. Gojira is able to break the full nelson a little, and slams the back of his head into Bill's face. He lifts him up into an F5!!
(Death Gojira pulls Bill up into an argentinean backbreaker. He bounces Bill's spine up & down, as his arms flail to his sides. Suddenly, Gojira swings it around into a tombstone piledriver!! Bill goes limp and the crowd goes wild. Gojira mockingly crosses Bill's arms 'Taker style)
Referee Ron Reid: 1...2...thr...(Big Bad Bill gets his shoulder up)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Death Gojira chicken wing crossfaces him. Gojira now using his height "dis"advantage to pull Bill down with that chinlock. He wraps his legs with Bill's and pitches him forward into his face with a leg sweep!
(DG tries to pull him up, but Bill grabs Gojira by the ears and monkey flips him over. He scoops Gojira up)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Big Bad Bill snow plows him!!
Referee Ron Reid: 1...2...(Death Gojira gets his shoulder up)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Big Bad Bill grabs him by the legs and turns him over into a liontamer! He yanks back on his legs as Ron Reid checks in to see if he taps out.
(The boos really start raining down on Bill as he bends Gojira's back the wrong way. Gojira powers out of the boston crab, but Bill pops him in the face with a shining wizard! The fans wince at the impact that Bill's boot hits Gojira, and he pulls Gojira to his feet. Bill irish whips him)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Death Gojira hops on to the middle of the second rope and backflips into an asai moonsault into a reverse DDT!!
(University Arena comes alive with cheers. Gojira uses their energy to pump himself up, and pulls him in to his legs. He pulls Bill on to his shoulder and powerbombs him!! He grabs hold of his legs & arms and pulls him up for a second one)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Gojira lifts him up for a third, but runs across the ring and powerbombs him over the ropes to the concrete floor!!!
(Crowd leaps to their feet and chants "GO-JI-RA!! GO-JI-RA!! GO-JI-RA!! GO-JI-RA!! GO-JI-RA!!" The camera gets a close shot to see Bill's glassy eyes. Gojira goes outside and lifts Bill up into a fireman's carry)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Death Gojira airplane spins the side of Bill's head into the cornerpost!! He grabs Bill and rams his head into the railing so hard his head goes through two of the rails!
(Gojira steps over the railing while Tuxedo Mask hands him his barbed wire wrapped Goji Chair. He baseball swings the chair into Bill's head so hard it pops back out)
Phil Blauer: That was nice of him. We almost had to call the fire department.
Guillermo O'Bannon: Gojira pulls Bill up to the steps. DG knees Bill in the guts doubling him over. Death Gojira goes for an axe kick but Bill avoids it, and his leg smashes the steps! Big Bad Bill x factors Gojira's face into the steel steps!!
(The sound of Gojira's face bouncing off the steps can be heard throughout University Arena! Bill goes under the ring and pulls out his now infamous planted cooler. Inside there is a very long length of chain about eight feet long, very thin, like a typical dog leash)
Phil Blauer: Big Bad Bill looking to utilize that manriki gusari!
Guillermo O'Bannon: How do you know the name of it?
Phil Blauer: Bill was showing it to me before the show. You see, Bill likes me because I'm the only one who can follow his promos. I also happen to be a bit of a "ninja buff".
Guillermo O'Bannon: I didn't know that Phil.
Phil Blauer: There's alot you don't know ya whiskey suckin pope kissin bog wog. Ninjas have been with us for decades. Why did you know that 12 of our 32 presidents have been ninjas?
Guillermo O'Bannon: Big Bad Bill wraps that chain around his fist and beats him bloody. Bill now whipping him with that...manro...?
Phil Blauer: Manriki gusari. For a guy named Guillermo, you sure have a problem pronouncing anything else.
(The welts and cuts begin showing as a result from the whipping Bill is giving Gojira with the manriki gusari. He then wraps the chain around his neck to choke the life out of him)
Guillermo O'Bannon: As soon as this match spilled outside the ring, this match turned uglier than Lita in the morning. He cinches the chain even tighter around Gojira's neck!
Phil Blauer: You know, I recently went to an Ireland to interview with your president.
Guillermo O'Bannon: They don't have a president, they have a prime minister.
Phil Blauer: Why is everything religion with you people? At any rate, I was telling him how more advanced the Americans are. Using the example that we have put a man on the moon. "That's nothing," he said,"we're going to put a man on the sun." I told him "Don't be stupid, he'll fry before he even gets there." and President Bertie Ahern said "Oh no, he won't. We're sending him at night."
Guillermo O'Bannon: That was dumb.
Phil Blauer: (cackling) Hahahahahaha!! I know, 'send em at night'!! You guys are precious.
Guillermo O'Bannon: Bill and Gojira are now on either sides of the same ring post. Big Bad Bill runs up, hooks the gusari around the top of the post and gets a swinging drop kick on Death Gojira!!
(He leans Gojira against the apron and begins karate chopping Gojira over & over, but then Gojira begins returning the chops)
Guillermo O'Bannon: A bloody Death Gojira returning those chops now, and getting the upper hand. Gojira scoops him up and drives his skull in to The University Arena floor with a snow plow!!
Phil Blauer: How can you tell an Irish pirate?
Guillermo O'Bannon: Phil, there's a very exciting match going on...
Phil Blauer: He has patches over both eyes! Hahahahahaha!!
(Gojira rolls Bill back into the ring, Makoto Jupiter hands him his Goji Chair. He crams Bill's head through the chair, and lifts him up into an electric chair)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Electric chair reverse power bomb with that Goji Chair around his neck!! He rolls him over and pins him.
Referee Ron Reid: 1...2...(Big Bad Bill kicks out)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Death Gojira pulls Bill up and cradles his leg, he fisherman suplexes him onto the standing chair!!
(The fans are getting rowdy. Death Gojira double underhooks Bill, and lifts him up but Bill huracanranas him)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Big Bad Bill applies a tiger claw to the back of that neck he's worked down all night.
Phil Blauer: Bill also working the five known pressure points in the back of the neck. I know of a sixth one, only reachable by tongue.
Guillermo O'Bannon: That's ill, dude. Death Gojira's body is completely stiff from the reverse tiger claw. He then runs up the turnbuckles into an acid drop!!
Referee Ron Reid: 1...2...(Death Gojira kicks out)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Fans, we gotta take a break! We'll be right back with this second round match in the Hardkore World Heavyweight Title Tournament!
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May 09, 2005#25
***commercial***
COMING THIS JULY...
Hardkore World returns to the most violent town in the World. An area that has known bloodshed,
racial hatred, and explosions far too well...and that's just when we blow in to town!
IRISH RAGE IN BELFAST
At Ulster Hall in Northern Ireland
This July, ask your local pay per view provider for details...
(Fade back to the ring)
Guillermo O'Bannon: We're back fans, and while we've been in commercial Big Bad Bill has battered Gojira with stiff kicks and chops, followed by a keylock.
(Big Bad Bill sets The Goji Chair up and positions Gojira in front of it. He front facelocks him, but Gojira reverses it into a fireman’s carry. He airplane spins Bill round & round until he’s sufficently dizzy, then he sets him down on his own two rubbery legs)
Guillermo O’Bannon: Death Gojira Kumunga-Among-Ya spinebusters Big Bad Bill on that standing chair!! The barbed wire tears Bill’s back to shreds, and Gojira turns it into a pin!
Referee Ron Reid: 1...2...(Big Bad Bill kicks out)
Guillermo O’Bann: Gojira pulls Bill up into another argentinean backbreaker! After a few agonizing moments, Gojira drops Bill in a hangman’s neckbreaker to complete The Spinning Granny Combo Breaker!
Phil Blauer: Not as impressive as completing the cycle, but close.
(The Amazing Taylor runs into the ring, and the fans pop)
The Amazing Taylor: “What can I do to help, son?”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Death Gojira piledrives The Amazing Taylor’s skull into Big Bad Bill’s head!! Taylor is unconcious and so is Big Bad Bill!!
Referee Ron Reid: 1...2...thr- (Big Bad Bill gets his foot on the bottom rope)
(The crowd groans, but Death Gojira thinks he won. He “REEEOORRRNGHK!”s to the audience with his arms raised in victory. Ron Reid walks over and pulls his arms down)
Referee Ron Reid: “No pinfall, that was two.”
Death Gojira: “REEEOORRRNGHK??? What are you talking about that was three. His shoulders are still down for chrissakes!!”
Referee Ron Reid: “He got his foot on the bottom rope, no fall.”
Death Gojira: “When?? His shoulders were down, are ya blind??”
Referee Ron Reid: “No, a little constipated. But that always happens if I have pizza. But it’s comin, alright. There’s gonna be hell to pay.”
Death Gojira: “I pinned Unbelievably Bad Bill, I’m going to San Di-(Big Bad Bill smacks him in the back of the head with a ghettoblaster kick)
Guillermo O’Bannon: Bill drops a knee against Death Gojira’s forehead.
Yolanda Ando: He’s got blood all over the knee of his indigo pants!
Phil Blauer: Trust me, it’s hard to explain blood on your pants. Especially on a date. Or to nosy cops.
(Bill sidesteps Gojira and applies a reverse hammerlock. He pushes him forward while placing his feet in front of him. Bill slides his arms up into his elbows and pushes down on his back!! Albuquerque boos The Dislocator, and a sense of panic sets in)
Guillermo O’Bannon: It’s The Dislocator!! The Dislocator, a move that recently injured the new Hardkore West Coast Champion The Shootfighter! Bill obviously saw The Goji Chair as a definite threat, so he concentrated on the upper back. This has prevented not only a super strong strike, but softened him up for The Dis-locator.
Phil Blauer: Genius!
“Wild” Bill Kasal: “Twenty Minutes Have Elapsed. 10 Minutes Remaining.”
(Ron Reid checks in repeatedly, asking Gojira if he wants to submit to Big Bad Bill’s painful finisher. Gojira gives out a agonized “REEEOORRRNGHK!!” Ron doesn’t know if that’s a yes or a no. Blood oozes out of the large gash over Gojira’s eye to a pool forming on the canvas below him. Bill gives another heavy shove to gojira’s back and he yelps out in pain)
Guillermo O’Bannon: Eerie Von steps over the ropes and grabs Big Bad Bill by the throat!
(Big Bad Bill’s eyes bug out, due to lack of oxygen and shock. The front row of the audience holds up their “C-H-O-K-E-S-L-A-M” cards)
Guillermo O’Bannon: Eerie Von chokeslams Bill back to the stoneage!!
(University Arena goes wild! Gojira is lying in the corner, clutching both his arms and stomping his feet in pain. He REEEOORRRNGHKs in frustration. Eerie Von sees Gojira is unable to capitalize, and irish whips Bill into the ropes)
Guillermo O’Bannon: The 6’11 Eerie Von flapjacks Bill up and drops him in a Greetings from Spook City diamond cutter!!
(Fans chant “EE-RIE!! EE-RIE!! EE-RIE!! EE-RIE!! EE-RIE!!” Then suddenly from out of the crowd come The Microshocker and the 450 pound Bad Boy King Kong. The University Arena rocks with boos as The Shock blasts Eerie Von in the face with his laptop named Mr. Computer)
Phil Blauer: It’s The Shock!!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Makoto Jupiter urges Tuxedo Mask to enter the ring and he does so hesitantly. He points at...Bad Boy King Kong. But The Shock hits him from behind with a low blow! His bodyguard picks Tux up in a powerbomb with a headbutt to the groin!!
(Bad Boy King Kong grabs the house microphone and hands it to The Microshocker)
The Microshocker: “Hello, New Mexico. My favoritest Mexico of all!!”
(The crowd boos him, as he skips around the ring among the bodies of Tuxedo Mask, Eerie Von, and Death Gojira)
The Microshocker: (gets in Gojira’s face while Bad Boy King Kong holds him) "You remember the last time you saw me, Goji-kins? It was in some rathole called The Lawlor Arena at a Reno House show. You ended my career that night, when you put my gorgeous face through the nasty chair of yours. I had to spend the last four months in intensive plastic surgery and late night bukkake therapy. But now I’m back. Since you eliminated my from the first round and ended my bid to become the first gay World Champion since Bob Backlund, I’m going to make sure my good friend Billy ends your tourney dreams!!!”
(The fans boo, and The Shock throws down his microphone. Bad Boy King Kong irish whips Death Gojira into the turnbuckles, and The Microshocker runs in with a knee to his testicals. Gojira doesn’t have time to fall before Bad Boy King Kong comes in with an avalanche to The Shock’s back, swashing both him & DG. The audience chants “ FUCK YOU SHOCK!! FUCK YOU SHOCK!! FUCK YOU SHOCK!! FUCK YOU SHOCK!! FUCK YOU SHOCK!!”)
Guillermo O’Bannon: Bad Boy now dry humping The Shock, and the combined weight of 675 pounds are squashing Gojira!
Phil Blauer: And that’s a pretty uncomfortable 675 to bat.
(Bad Boy King Kong and The Microshocker finally allow Gojira to drop. Then their Dark Ryder Movement partner, Big Bad Bill comes off the top with a skytwister press!! The crowd continues to scream bloody murder and Bill hooks both of Gojira’s legs)
Phil Blauer: (doing his best Cole) Not this way!
Referee Ron Reid: 1...2...thr- (Death Gojira gets his shoulder up)
(The crowd goes wild, and applauds Gojira’s tenacity)
Guillermo O’Bannon: Eerie Von exchanges blows with Bad Boy King Kong.
Phil Blauer: What must our blind viewers think of that comment?
Guillermo O’Bannon: They fight their way to the back, with Tux & The Shock fast on their heels. Big Bad Bill scoops a bloody Gojira up into a reverse piledriver, but Gojira bridges out of it and tombstones him onto Mr.Computer!!
Referee Ron Reid: 1...2...thr- (Big Bad Bill gets his shoulder up)
Guillermo O’Bannon: Death Gojira pulls Bill’s head into his legs and straightjacket tigerbombs him!!
Referee Ron Reid: 1...2...(Big Bad Bill leg claps Gojira’s head)
Guillermo O’Bannon: Death Gojira butterflies Gojira’s arms and double underhook brainbusters him!! 24 He takes a few moments to catch his breath, wipe the blood out of his eyes and get to his feet. Makoto Jupiter tosses him a spool of barbed wire!!
(University Arena buzzes in anticipation, as Gojira quickly goes to work, wrapping it around Bill’s face & neck. Blood oozes out of from where the barbs have periced his skin)
Guillermo O’Bannon: Death Gojira northern lights bombs him with that barbed wire wrapped around his face!!
Referee Ron Reid: 1...2...thre- (Big Bad Bill kicks out)
Guillermo O’Bannon: Gojira sits Bill on the top turnbuckle. Death Gojira steps up to the second turnbuckle and REEEOORRRNGHKs for all the fans in attendance in Albuquerque. He gut wrenches Bill up into a spinning dominator off the top rope with that strand of barbed wire still caught around & his head & neck!!!
(Fans gasp in shock & horror, and small pockets of “Ho-ly Shit!! Ho-ly Shit!! Ho-ly Shit!! Ho-ly Shit!! Ho-ly Shit!!” start around University Center. Bill rolls around the mat, trying unsuccesfully to pull the barbed wire out of his cheek, eyebrow, jaw & shoulder. He sickening screams everytime he tries to pull one out, so he leaves it. Blood has covered his entire torso, and it runs from several deep cuts in his back. Death Gojira has set up The Goji Chair in the center of the ring. He douses it in lighter fluid and then Makoto Jupiter hands him his zippo lighter with the radioactive signal)
Guillermo O’Bannon: Death Gojira lights The Goji Chair on fire, and electric chairs Bill up in the air. He ocean cyclone suplexes his back on the burning barbed wire chair, with some of it still around his head like a sick crown!!!
(Albuquerque chants “GO-JI-RA!!! GO-JI-RA!!! GO-JI-RA!!! GO-JI-RA!!! GO-JI-RA!!!” until it’s deafening. Bill rolls around & the mat completely bathing it in blood. Death Gojira tries to hold him still long enough to pin him)
Referee Ron Reid: 1..2..(Big Bad Bill gets his shoulder up)
Phil Blauer: The agonizing pain is the only thing keeping him concious.
Guillermo O’Bannon: I can relate. (shudders, and takes a long tug of his whiskey, then Makoto snatches it out of his hand) Hey!!
Phil Blauer: I’ve had drinks thrown in my face, but never just had them take mine.
(Big Bad Bill seems delirious with pain, crawling in no particular direction. Makoto Jupiter hands Guillermo’s bottle of whiskey to Gojira. A sad pathetic site, with barbed wire wrapped around his head, blood pouring down his face and a patch of hair on the back of his head burned off. He crawls over and grabs that cooler. Gojira grabs Bill by the leg)
Guillermo O’Bannon: Big Bad Bill is so out of it he could only think to grab that bottle of ice water to heal his burns but Gojira won’t even let him do that.
Phil Blauer: In Seattle he used that ice water to pour down Shootfighter’s back to set him up for a pipe shot. Not too sure what it could do to Death Gojira at this stage.
(Gojira drags Bill to the center of the ring by his leg, but Bill squirts the water bottle in his face & chest. The audience laughs at the pitiful sight of Bill reduced to squirting water at people)
Phil Blauer: This is getting depressing.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Gojira takes a big swig of MY whiskey that I paid for with MY shit-for-wages, and lights that zippo lighter...He’s gonna put Bill out of wrestling like he did to Stan “The Tank” Wilson!
(Death Gojira mimick Big Stan’s chokeslam hand signal then blows a huge fireball at Big Bad Bill, but Bill squirts the water at Gojira again. A giant flare up meets between them that blows up in Gojira’s face. The “I Destroyed Big Stan & Seattle...All in a Day’s Work- King of the Fuckin Monsters 2005” t-shirt lights on fire and burns his chest until Makoto Jupiter & Ron Reid beat the flames out and pull the shirt off of Bill)
Guillermo O’Bannon: That wasn’t water, it was vodka!! And it just blew up in a giant fireball in Gojira’s face!! Big Bad Bill gets up, with shaky legs, and that barbed wire wrapped around his face.
“Wild” Bill Kasal: “Twenty Five Minutes Have Elapsed. 5 Minutes Remaining.”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Bill gives it another tug but no use. He arrangeds it so he can at least see, and then double underhooks his arms. He Enso DDTs his burned face on what’s left of Mr. Computer!! He rolls a limp Gojira over, then covers him!
Referee Ron Reid: 1...2...3!!!
(“Headless Children” by WASP cranks up, and most of University Arena boos, but many fans stand and applaud that excellent match. Big Bad Bill staggers up to his feet, and Ron Reid raises his hand)
“Wild” Bill Kasal: “At 25 minutes 21 seconds; THE WINNER OF THE MATCH, ADVANCING TO THE SEMI-FINALS...BIG BAD BILL!!!”
(Big Bad Bill falls through the ropes to the floor, with a giant strand of barbed wire still embedded in his eyebrow, and caught in his hair)
Guillermo O’Bannon: Bill and Gojira left alot of themselves back in that ring, but it’s the former West Coast Champion that is now gonna go on to face Lucifer Jones in San Diego. He earned alot of fans tonight with his intestinal fortitude.
(A few fans clap for him as he walks by them on the ramp, when suddenly Lucifer Jones blindsides him! The crowd boos Lucifer Jones, who has a bloody bandage around his head, and welts all over his body, while he pummels Bill. Jones punches the barbed wire farther & farther into Bill’s skull)
Phil Blauer: Triple B stands for Bloody & Burned Bill.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Lucifer Jones grabs Bill by the head and pulls him up on into a rude awakening. He twists him around ramming Bill’s face into the ramp with The Yankee Cracker!!!
(The crowd boos. Jones’ cuts have re-opened and he is again a crimson mask as he limps out of the University Arena)
Guillermo O’Bannon: These two will have a score to settle in San Diego, the winner goes on to fight for the World Championship in Palm Springs.
(Camera pans over a steel cage back to Guillermo & Phil standing at ringside)
Guillermo O’Bannon: Phil, you can’t leave.
Phil Blauer: I told you, like my contract says, eight matches and I’m out. After the scaffold match, I’m going to Destination: Splitsville. Population: Me.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Who’s gonna barely pay attention to the match?
Phil Blauer: Get Boone.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Boone? That guy sucks! The only reason we let that doughy bitch keep his job is that he seems to have a good repore with The Shootfighter.
former prowrestling.com internet reporter Matt Boone: I’m standing right here.
Guillermo O’Bannon: I know!
Phil Blauer: Scaffold match, and I’m finished.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Jonnie’s gonna be pissed.
Phil Blauer: (folds his arms) I don’t care. I hope he is.
former prowrestling.com internet reporter Matt Boone: He’s not the boss of Phil.
Yolanda Ando: Yes he is.
Phil Blauer: I don’t care. Jonnie owes me for not giving me my personal day.
Guillermo O’Bannon: It was Palm Springs Punishment! What did you have to do anyway?
Phil Blauer: Personal Day means just that.
(“Strutter” by KISS plays and the fans cheer. A spotlight catches the very sexy Brandi do just that, strutting to the ring. She pats a couple guy’s cheeks, and walks up to the door of the cage and blows a kiss to the men of Albuquerque)
Guillermo O’Bannon: Besides even if you would have gotten to go to the porn store for new release day, you would have missed Brandi & Ayame Tokugawa open the show with a thrilling match. Ayame defeated her to become the number one contender to the Women’s Champion. Tokugawa went on to upset Xyrynth for that title, and now has her first title defense in a steel cage with one of the most ruthless women in the sport.
Phil Blauer: What the hell happened to Hardkore South?
Guillermo O’Bannon: I don’t know but I bet Jonnie will be waiting backstage to find out where all that money is that he fronted her.
Phil Blauer: My guess is with a dealer named Rudy.
(Brandy enters the cage, Brandy rocks her head back and basks in the spotlight. Whistles and catcalls fill University Arena)
Yolanda Ando: Brandi wears a white sports bra and black spandex pants with “Brandi” across the rear.
“Wild” Bill Kasal: “The following Steel Cage Match is scheduled for one fall, a 30 minute time limit and is for the HARDKORE WORLD WOMEN’S CHAMPIONSHIP! Your referee is Mike Peters. Featuring first, from Sontag, Virginia; Standing 5 feet 7 inches tall; Weighing ‘None of Your Damn Concern’...BRANDI!!!”
(The fans cheer Brandi, as she makes a few lewd poses to get a reaction. Then “Before I’m Dead” by The Kidneythieves plays and the crowd applauds the high flying Ayame Tokugawa. She walks out with the Hardkore World Women’s Championship strapped around her waist. Dracon Xanathos and Pedro “El Gallo” Santiago follow her out)
Guillermo O’Bannon: This crew getting to be very busy in the Hardkore World circles. Pedro Santiago is set fly back to Cleveland to take on Pheonix in the Hardkore Tri-State Title Tournament.
Phil Blauer: So where’s he going? Cleveland or Phoenix?
(Ayame Tokugawa steps up to the door of the cage and bends her back over the top rope, gracefully flipping into the ring)
Yolanda Ando: Ayame Tokugawa wears the Hardkore World Women’s title belt over a black leather kimono style dress. Underneath it, she wears high boots and a black bustier.
“Wild” Bill Kasal: “And her opponent; accompanied to the ring by Pedro “El Gallo” Santiago, and her manager KJ “Dracon” Xanathose; from Kyoto, Japan; Standing 5 feet 9 inches tall; Weighing 133 pounds; She is The Current HARDKORE WORLD WOMEN’S CHAMPION...AYAME ‘PHOENIX’ TOKUGAWA!!!”
(Some fans in the front row throw mutli-colored paper streamers against the cage in a show of respect for Tokugawa. Santiago, Kasal, & Xanathos leave the ring and Mike Peters signals for the bell)
Guillermo O’Bannon: Ayame Tokugawa runs off the ropes and flying lariots Brandi! She irish whips her into the ropes and floors her with a flying spinning karate kick!
(The crowd cheers, she pulls Brandi up by the ponytail and shoots her into the ropes again. When she comes back, Tokugawa catches her and spins her around into a black hole slam)
Guillermo O’Bannon: Phoenix standing moonsaults her but Brandi’s waiting for her with both knees to her stomach. Brandi scoops her up and stuns her with a backbreaker.
(Brandi waistlocks her and release german suplexes her onto the back of her head!! She grabs Tokugawa by the black hair with blonde highlights, and runs her facefirst into the cage! The audience pops the first cage spot)
Guillermo O’Bannon: Brandi gut wrenches Phoenix up onto her shoulder, then dumps her over into a painful bump on her tits!
(Ayame covers her chest, and grimaces in pain. Brandi pulls her up by the hair, and irish whips her into the ropes. She rolls up into a huracanrana but Tokugawa reverses it into a samurai driver)
Guillermo O’Bannon: She grabs Brandi by the leg and dragon screws her lover into an ankle lock. She wrenches Brandi’s foot to the side, and then wraps her leg around Brandi’s thigh and drops down to the mat.
(Mike Peters checks in but Brandi refuses to tap out. Tokugawa lets go of her foot and then irish whips her into the ropes)
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tokugawa takes her down with a cross body block!
Referee Mike Peters: 1...(Brandi kicks out)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Ayame irish whips Brandi into the ropes again and dips down for a backdrop, but the veteran Brandi is ready for her with a neckbreaker! She pulls Tokugawa and holds her up in a standing suplex.
(Brandi lets her think about it for a while and then drops her. She irish whips her into the corner and follows her in with a forearm shot to the face. She then begins chopping her with knife edges to the throat)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Brandi headlocks her and runs out to the center of the ring, but Tokugawa pushes her off into the cage!! Brandi staggers around, stunned and Ayame catches her from behind with an orton backbreaker!
(Ayame bends Brandi over her knee and begins spanking her, intending to humiliate her. But Brandi arches her back and really gets into it. Ayame grows frustrated and slaps her, then drops her with a side effect! Phoenix covers her)
Referee Mike Peters: 1...2...(Brandi kicks out)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Ayame Tokugawa belly to belly waistlocks her but Brandi brings her knee up into Tokugawa's stomach. Brandi DDTs her!
Referee Mike Peters: 1...2...(Ayame Tokugawa kicks out)
Guillermo O'Bannon: She scoops Tokugawa up and bodyslams her hard on to the mat. Brandi then climbs to the top rope from inside the ring. She backflips into a so-so moonsault!!
Referee Mike Peters: 1...2...(Ayame Tokugawa kicks out)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Brandi irish whips her into the ropes, but Ayame comes back with a crucifix swung into a Déjà Vu DDT!!
(Ayame Tokugawa climbs to the top rope, then keeps climbing up on to the top of the cage. She balances on the top and then does a jaw dropping walk along the top of the cage!! The fans pop hard and Phoenix leaps off into a huracanrana!!! The Albuquerque crowd chants "AY-A-ME!!! AY-A-ME!!! AY-A-ME!!! AY-A-ME!!! AY-A-ME!!!")
Phil Blauer: I can't believe what I'm seeing!
Guillermo O'Bannon: I can't believe it, she walked along the top of that cage, before coming off with an eye popping huracanrana!
Phil Blauer: No, look at these stain-resistant pants I got from Dockers. I have three different types of bodily fluids on them right now and you can only really see the one!
Guillermo O'Bannon: Ew!! Why did it have to be that one??
(Ayame crawls over and grabs Brandi's leg and turns her over into a single leg boston crab. She sticks her knee into Brandi's back and pulls back, making Brandi screech in pain)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Ayame trying to get Brandi to tap out to The Geisha Fan!! Brandi is still dizzy from that Walk-a-Rana, and now is in danger of having her back injured.
(Peters checks in but Brandi waves him away. Ayame yanks back again, and Brandi re-thinks her position. Tokugawa releases The Geisha's Fan, but before Brandi can get to her feet, she kicks her as hard as she can in the head. She climbs to the top of the rope, waiting for Brandi to get up)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Ayame comes off with the dragonrana but Brandi has it scouted this time and tigerbombs her!!
Referee Ron Reid: 1...2...(Ayame Tokugawa rolls his shoulder up)
Guillermo O'Bannon: She grabs Ayame by the leg and turns her over into The Geisha's Fan!! Tokugawa in trouble of losing her first title defense by her own submission finisher!
Phil Blauer: That could be humiliating for the champ. Brandi taking out all her aggression on Tokugawa for the heat she has in the locker room for the Hardkore South "thing".
Guillermo O'Bannon: Who told you she has heat?
former prowrestling.come internet reporter Matt Boone: I di-...
Phil Blauer: (smacks Boone) I have my sources. But suffice to say, Brandi will not be getting any invitations to the afterparty. Unless it would just be a thinly veiled attempt at sex from some lonely mid-carder or announcer.
Guillermo O'Bannon: So what's changed?
Phil Blauer: The announcer part. She's officially in my league now! Coach is in like flynn now, too. Not Cole, though. Maybe if Hunglestien's fed goes under...
(Brandi screams "How do you like it, huh??" then yanks back Ayame's leg, and digs her knee into the back. She releases The Geisha Fan and pulls Tokugawa up into another hanging suplex. She drops Ayame's feet on the top rope and rocks her back into a slingshot suplex! She floats over into a pin)
Referee Mike Peters: 1...2...(Ayame Tokugawa kicks out)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Brandi double underhook suplexes Ayame across the ring! She pulls her up by the hair, and irish whips her into the ropes, but Tokugawa hops on to the middle of the top rope and backflips into a gorgeous asai moonsault bodypress!!
Referee Mike Peters: 1...2...(Brandi kicks out)
Guillermo O'Bannon: She runs into the ropes and takes Brandi over in a flying headscissors! She climbs to the top rope and waits for Brandi to get her feet and then missle dropkicks her!!
(The crowd is at a fever pitch! Ayame runs into the ropes and tumbles into a rolling thunder but Brandi puts her knees up into Tokugawa's back! The fans groan, and Phoenix rolls around the mat holding the small of her back)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Brandi whacks Tokugawa upside the head with a savatte kick! Phoenix staggers around the ring a bit, so Brandi gut wrench suplexes her.
(Brandi sits on Ayame's face and grinds it back & forth, drawing some jealous boos from the Albuquerque fans. But Ayame rolls her back into a sunset flip)
Referee Mike Peters: 1...2...(Brandi claps her head with her thighs)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Ayame twists Brandi's arm and back kicks her in the face. She runs into the ropes and backflips into a lionsault!
Referee Mike Peters: 1...2...(Brandi kicks out)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Ayame Tokugawa climbing the ropes, and getting back on the cage again. Brandi follows her up there, trying to stop her! Ayame climbs to the top of the cage, facing the audience here.
Phil Blauer: If she pushes Ayame, or if Ayame falls, Tokugawa would win. So Brandi has to be very careful here.
Guillermo O'Bannon: If she falls, she dies, Phil.
Phil Blauer: Both of them have to be very careful.
Guillermo O'Bannon: Ayame backflips off the cage, catching Brandi on the top turnbuckle on the way down with a inverted FireBird DDT!!!
(University Arena is deafening with chants of "AY-A-ME!!! AY-A-ME!!! AY-A-ME!!! AY-A-ME!!! AY-A-ME!!!" Tokugawa hooks her leg)
Referee Mike Peters: 1...2...3!!!
("Before I'm Dead" by The Kidneythieves plays and the audience is still breathless from the Firebird DDT off the cage. Pedro "El Gallo" Santiago & Dracon Xanathos open the cage, with title belt in hand to give to Ayame)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Ayame Tokugawa has successfully defended her title here tonight in a steel cage match with the manipulative Brandi!
"Wild" Bill Kasal: "At 14 minutes 9 seconds; THE WINNER OF THE MATCH, AND STILL HARDKORE WORLD WOMEN'S CHAMPION...AYAME 'PHOENIX' TOKUGAWA!!!"
(Tokugawa straps the title belt around her waist, and then walks out of the cage with Xanathos & Santiago. The crowd has a respectful round of applause waiting for her when she walks out)
**commercial**
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**commercial**
(Backstage Tuxedo Mask walks past the veggie plate and grabs a moonpie off the Little Debbie plate.)
Former prowrestling.com internet reporter Matt Boone: Tuxedo Mask, care to comment on the issue of the day. Is it fair Phil should work an additional match?
Tuxedo Mask: First things first, Matt Boone.
(Tux grabs the mic, then shoves the moonpie in his mouth. He slowly chews the marshmello cookie-like treat.)
Phil Blauer: It's the saliva that breaks it down and makes it mushy so he can swallow it.
Guillermo O'Bannon: That's gross, dude.
Phil Blauer: If you think that's gross remind me not to talk to about sex.
Yolanda Ando: Two Irish words: Bucket O'Semen.
(Tux swallows, holds up his finger in the universal sign for "one more minute", then swallows again.)
Tuxedo Mask: Odelay! Viva la raza! Now what is it that was so important you had to inturrupt my moonpie quality time?
Former prowrestling.com internet reporter Matt Boone: ...I forget. (points to the Little Debbie plate) Can you hand me one of those swiss cake rolls?
Tuxedo Mask: Thems mines.
Former prowrestling.com internet reporter Matt Boone: (takes his mic back) You're belly button's showing.
Tuxedo Mask: I know, my shirt shrunk.
Guillermo O'Bannon: Matt, can you ask him if he's seen Hunglestein?
(Tux shakes his head no)
Former prowrestling.com internet reporter Matt Boone: He says no. Back to you.
Phil Blauer: My eighth and final match this evening puts 1,615 pounds 90 feet above the ring, nothing to separate it from the hard concrete but those 50 some odd plywood tables they stacked during the commerical break.
Guillermo O'Bannon: Historically scaffold matches leave a bit to be desired. It's all chest slaps and open fists to the head, with a couple 250 pound men wishing they had the time to tell their kids they loved them before they walked up the ladder. But this is Hardkore World, and you know in Hardkore anything's possible.
("Bump 'N Grind" by R. Kelly fills University Arena. Tarrasque, Jeremiah Vastrix, and Lucious Morgan step through the curtain.)
Yolanda Ando: Jeremiah Vastrix, as sexy as ever dressed in a form fitting body suit. His Hardkore World 6 Man Tag Title fit snuggly across his tiny waist. I wonder what secerets he hides behind his porcelin mask? I hope it isn't that he's G-A-Y. I've had a bad experience.
Phil Blauer: I told you, I was just tired!
(When Warhammer gets halfway down the ramp Judge Death and The Shootfighter step through. Death's dressed in his robe with his wig and his mask, Shootfighter's in black, his Hardkore World West Coast Championship drapped across one shoulder, his Hardkore World 6 Man Tag Title draped across the other.)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Judge Death sat in all last week for Judge Maybeline on Divorce Court. We have a clip...
Judge Death: And Jamal, howeth does thou wisheth to pay for the furniture, which was rented to be owned, when thou haseth no form of employment?
Jamal: Well, you see judge, I have this settlement from Jiff peanut butter that's about to come through. Plus I hit the number last week.
Shemika: That money better go to your kids!
Jamal: Two of those kids ain't mine.
Judge Death: Silence! That will be decided in our final segment wheneth I reveal the results of the paternity test!
(At ringside The Shootfighter, Tarrasque, and Vastrix begin their slow climb 90 feet above the ring.)
Matt Boone: Most of the people I talk to on the bus ride to school look at this team as the greatest 6 man combination ever...on paper. You've got all the bases covered. With Tarrasque you've got pure power, Vastrix gives you agility, and The Shootfighter is a ring technician as good as they come. So far they've been able to keep whatever differences have kept them enemies for so many years a non factor, as a team, many expect them to dominate for years to come. Be sure to check out my website. Could Goldberg be on his way back?
Guillermo O'Bannon: I thought we agreed, no plugs.
("The Champ Is Here" by Jadakiss plays as Bruno steps through the curtain. Behind him walks Stan "The Tank" Wilson and Tony Thunder.)
Phil Blauer: Do you think Thunder thinks it's extreme hanging with two 300 pound black men?
Guillermo O'Bannon: He's their cool white boy. You know, for hailing cabs and dealing with hotel managers. Plus you need a white guy in your crew to find the good weed.
Yolanda Ando: Big Stan shows us exactly how big he is in skin tight, black leather trunks. The words "Big Tank" are embroided on the back, and there's an image of a small tank on the front. Ready, aim, fire!
Former prowrestling.com internet reporter Matt Boone: Word in the locker room is these guys like working together. Bruno and Stan have even joked backstage, calling each other "cousin". Sources tell me Tony Thunder thinks a run as Hardkore World 6 Man Champion could be an extreme springboard to bigger and better things.
Yolanda Ando: Tony Thunder thinks it's extreme to promise to call somebody after they've had sex and then not call.
Guillermo O'Bannon: Are you sure you didn't misunderstand him?
Yolanda Adno: It's kinda impossible to misunderstand, "Thanks for the gnarley blowjob. I'll call ya, dude." He's wearing an extreme black t-shirt with "X-Games" on the front and "Tony Thunder Rulz, DUDE!" on the back.
Guillermo O'Bannon: Not since The Masked Erbator's "Pull My Finger. That's Not My Finger. Don't Stop Pulling." merchandise has a shirt sold so poorly.
Former prowrestling.com internet reporter Matt Boone: Can I quote you as a source on that? I'm off restriction and my mom says I can resume my webcast when report cards come out.
(Bruno in black tights and no shirt stops at the foot of the ladder and looks up. He shakes his head "no" and backs away from the ladder.)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Looks like Bruno might have a problem with heights.
Phil Blauer: Don't you watch Comic View? Black guys don't do heights, don't swim, and don't eat pussy. Also, white people as a whole are funny in their every day pursuits, I've just never noticed it.
Guillermo O'Bannon: Could you be the last person to ever notice white people?
Phil Blauer: What's to notice besides our totally balanced check books and expert ability to dance?
(Stan and Thunder try to stop Bruno, but he pushes past them and heads back up the ramp.)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Bruno refusing climb the ladder! Bruno's refusing to wrestle!
Phil Blauer: Oh, no, this won't work sister. This is my eighth match whether that bell rings or not. I should follow Bruno up that ramp, out that door, down that street, past that gas station, into that-
Guillermo O'Bannon: Phil, this is not some grand conspiracy to ruin your Friday.
Phil Blauer: Today is MY Friday and I will not work late on MY Friday. Today is your Tuesday, Guillermo, you have no idea what it's like when somebody fucks with your Friday. Fuck it, I just should stay, you've already ruined my fucking weekend...bitches.
(Lucious Morgan applauds as Bruno ignores the pleas of his tag team partners.)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Judge Death and Morgan don't seem upset, sure they have an advantage, but they still have to face two very capable warriors. (into his IFB) What's this? This match could result in a disqualification?
Former prowrestling.com internet reporter Matt Boone: I've got it right here in the rule book, Guillermo.
Guillermo O'Bannon: That's not a rule book, that's a childrens placemat from Denny's and you failed to complete the maze on the back.
Phil Blauer: Dibs on the Jumble.
Former prowrestling internet reporter Matt Boone: (continues reading) Rule 427A: In a scaffold match involving groups of two or more every participant must set foot on the scaffold, failure to do so will result in a count out unless previous stipulations have been made. No previous stipulations were made! Bruno's gonna cost his team a shot at history!
Guillermo O'Bannon: Referee Ron Reid giving the challengers a chance to sort this out before he begins his count. Let's take a break and be back with more Hardkore action right after this.
**commerical**
AXE BODY SPRAY: Use this product and have sex with white women
**commercial**
Guillermo O'Bannon: During the break Ron Reid, Tony Thunder, and Big Stan explained to Bruno the consequences. Stan and Tony are following Bruno up the ladder.
Phil Blauer: They probably told him to go first, that way if he fell one of those two could catch him. Truth be told, they ain't catchin' a cold. Bruno falls and he'll die. Die, I tell ya!
"Wild" Bill Kasal: “Introducing, first, the challengers. At a combined weight of 930lbs, STAN ‘THE TANK’ WILSON, ‘THE EXTREMIST’ TONY THUNDER, & The man simply known as BRUNO!!!!”
(The crowd cheers)
“And their opponents, escourted to the ring by their managers Lucious Morgan and Judge Death, at a combined weight of 685lbs, they are the Hardkore World 6 Man Tag Team Champions...Jeremiah Vastrix...Hardkore World West Coast Champion The Shootfighter...and Tarrasque!!!
(Bruno's the first to reach the scaffold. On all fours he slowly crawls part way to the center of the catwalk. Tony Thunder and Stan Wilson stand behind their partner. Referee Ron Reid calls for the bell from the floor below.)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Bruno is a master of every WWE finisher on television today. He can do it all, from the Angle Slam to the Worm. A lot of good that'll do him on all fours 90 feet about the ring here tonight.
Phil Blauer: He can almost do a stinkface. Oooh, how about that JYD head butt thing? He could probably do that if somebody got down there with him.
("The Extremist" Tony Thunder springboards off Bruno, taking Tarrasque down with a leg lariot.)
DING DING
Guillermo O'Bannon: Shootfighter and Jeremiah Vastrix attempt a double clothesline on Wilson. Stan no sells!
(Stan grabs a fist full of hair from both men.)
Guillermo O'Bannon: He's got them both, but Vastrix with a shin strike to the back of Big Stan's leg! Shootfighter with a shin strike of his own! Another! Both men working to take the the big man's legs out.
(Stan puts both men in a Pat Patterson Death Lock.)
Phil Blauer: I bet if I had Jonnie by the nuts instead of the other way around I wouldn't be "asked" to work late.
Guillermo O'Bannon: Wilson lifting both men in the air by their butcher, baker, and candlestick makers! What an incredible show of strength from the Alabama Body Slama!
(Stan releases Vastrix, then lifts Shootfighter above his head with both hands. Vastrix, gasping for air, turns and walks into a Thunder Kick.)
CRACK!
Guillermo O'Bannon: Attention dentists. Just send the bill to Warhammer Corp c/o Lucious Morgan.
Phil Blauer: This could be it for Shootfighter. Stans about to send the Thai Giant head first through 50 some odd tables.
Yolanda Ando: It's fucked up that once he falls from that catwalk he'll get to go home, while they fucking expect you to work another match.
Phil Blauer: I make it easy on them. They could've told me to come in later. Did I really need to be here for Xyrynth versus Vagabond?
(The crowd goes nuts as Wilson military presses Shootfighter. After the third rep Tarrasque dives, hitting a desparation shoulder block taking Stan's legs out from under him.)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Big Stan drops Shootfighter!!
(Shootfighter rolls towards the edge)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Shootfighter catches himself before he rolls too far. All 6 men still safe. Nervous as all get out, but still safe.
Phil Blauer: Bruno still on all fours. He hasn't moved and it doesn't look like he' plans on moving any time soon.
Guillermo O'Bannon: Bruno a definate non factor in this match. He makes for a good coffee table right now and that's it.
(Thunder hooks Vastrix in a cobra sleeper.)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Wilson and Tarrasque are trading shots like somebody fucking went there.
(Shootfighter hits a Muy Thai fist strike to Wilson's kidney. Tarrasque and Shootfighter set The Tank up for a double suplex.)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Big Stan blocks their insane attempt at a double suplex. Tony releases his sleeper and delivers a punt like side kick to Tarrasque's rib cage.
Former prowrestling.com internet reporter Matt Boone: Anything vomited by that height would dicipate into a summer shower.
Phil Blauer: Sounds refreshing.
Guillermo O'Bannon: Almost. God's Gift sneaks up behind Thunder and grab his throat, pulls The Extremist backwards by his throat over his knee, bouncing the back of Thunder's head off the catwalk like a check to a prostitute.
Phil Blauer: Wilson fighting his opponents off with chops and forearms. He's just biding time, hoping for a mistep.
Guillermo O'Bannon: A Rob Petrie like fall over the proverbial ottoman could change things drastically.
Phil Blauer: There's one guy who would have gotten that reference, but Hudson's House is now Hudson's Nursing Home. Shootfighter and Tarrasque trying to get the big man over in a double suplex again.
(They lift him part way up, then have to return him to the plank.)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Jeremiah Vastrix looks like he's attempting a figure four-no, wait. He stomps Thunder's ankle like he's making wine. Extreme wine.
(The crowd pops huge as Big Stan finally takes that double suplex, crashing down hard on the catwalk. One of the strings holding the scaffold to the ceiling breaks shifting everything to the right. Tony Thunder and Tarrasque crash through 50 some odd tables to the floor below. Wilson grabs ahold of the plank at the broken corner, Vastrix grabs the corner opposite. Shootfighter has Big Stan by his big left leg. The crowd breaks into a chant of "HARD-KORE WORLD!! HARD-KORE WORLD!! HARD-KORE WORLD!!HARD-KORE WORLD!! HARD-KORE WORLD!!")
Guillermo O'Bannon: Bruno's bearhugging the scaffold. He's using his entire seven foot frame, both arms, and both legs.
(The crowd continues to chat "HARD-KORE WORLD!! HARD-KORE WORLD!! HARD-KORE WORLD!! HARD-KORE WORLD!! HARD-KORE WORLD!!")
Guillermo O'Bannon: From the shadows Blak Lung is attacking Tony Thunder with Shootfighter's stainless steel singapore cane! He got there before medical personel!
Phil Blauer: 911 is a joke.
(Thunder, laying face down in the wreckage, takes stinging cane strikes from Black Lung. Jeremiah Vastrix tries to pull himself up while Shootfighter climbs up Big Stan's big back.)
Former prowrestling.com internet reporter Matt Boone: According to my Denny's place mat Vastrix, Wilson, Shootfighter, and of course Bruno are all still in this contest. For those of you keeping score at home Tarrasque and Tony Thunder were eliminated pretty close to the exact same time.
Guillermo O'Bannon: Blak Lung pulls Thunder up and hits a snap suplex into that press table junkyard at ringside. He's back up quick and returns to beating Tony Thunder's body with that steel cane.
(Vastrix pulls himself up to his stomach, then swings his legs up on the plank.)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Wilson can do nothing but hold on for dear life as Shootfighter continues to climb his way back up on the catwalk.
(Blak Lung slowly pulls a rusty wire hanger out from his waist band and wraps it around his fist.)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Blak Lung using that hanger like brass knuckles, pounding the thunder from Tony's head. The Gahanian psychopath now stabbing Tony Thunder's forehead with the pointed ends of the wire hanger!! Security needs to get that kid away from ringside and into an ambulance immediately!
(On the scaffold Vastrix catches his breath. Shootfighter extends a hand and calls for help.)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Tony Thunder uselessly wipes the blood from his eyes, but it just keeps coming. His slick black hair slowly becoming an extreme shade of red.
(Black Lung whips Thunder into the ringside fence, the quickly follows punch to his head.)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Blak Lung continuing to bludgeon Thunder with that wire hanger wrapped around his fist. Thunder fighting back! Tony Thunder fighting back! The fans squarely behind him was they sing the opening to AC/DC's "Thunderstruck" over and over again.
(Tony Thunder and Black Lung continue to trade punches at ringside.)
Guillermo O'Bannon: BEAST TRAIN!!! Tarrasque drives Tony Thunder into the ringside fence with his beast train!!
(Shootfighter extends his hand to Vastrix again who again ignores him. Vastrix stomps on Stan's fingers, forcing him to let go.)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Wilson holding on with only his left hand! That's not only his weight, he's got Shootfighter hanging on his back!
Phil Blauer: Shootfighter does not want to go through those tables! Vastrix doesn't want to hear it!
(When Vastrix lifts his leg to crush the fingers on Wilson's left hand, Big Stan brings his right hand up and grabs Vastrix's ankle. He lets go of the catwalk.)
Guillermo O'Bannon: I can't beleive what I just saw.
(The crowd breaks into a chant of "Oh My God, Oh My God, Oh My God".)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Jeremiah Vastrix, The Shootfighter, and Big Stan just fell through 50 some odd tables.
"Wild" Bill Kasal: The winners of this match and NEW HARDKORE WORLD 6 MAN TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS....STAN "THE TANK" WILSON, "THE EXTREMIST" TONY THUNDER, AND BRUNO!!!!!!
Phil Blauer: Bruno's still holding on to the scaffold!!! He's the only one that didn't fall!!
Guillermo O'Bannon: ...uh, he ain't comin' down. We're gonna need a fire truck.
Phil Blauer: (takes off his headsets) Ok, well that's it! I'm outtie! Tell Jonnie if he needs me, I'll be at Paris Hilton's Cinco De Mayo party. We're gonna be having doritos. Just like Mexicans do.
Guillermo O'Bannon: Phil!
(The ring crew puts the finishing touches on stranding the barbed wire across the ropes. Hardkore World ring crew foreman Test makes sure everything is up to professional wrestling barbed wire match code. former prowrestling.com internet reporter Matt Boone shows up with his lunch box)
former prowrestling.com internet reporter Matt Boone: (saluting) Matt Boone, reporting for duty.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Whatever, Boone. Just stay outta my way. I’m in a bad mood to begin with that Phil gets to take off, and I don’t. It’s totally unfair! How come I never get to throw tantrums and get my way?
former prowrestling.com internet reporter Matt Boone: Cause your the lowest guy on the totem pole here, next to Hero?
Guillermo O’Bannon: I am not! I’ve been here since 1997!! I got tenure. I gotta be like third or fourth down.
former prowrestling.com internet reporter Matt Boone: Sorry to say, Mr. O’Bannon. Sources close to my confidential locker room snitch, Tony Thunder tell me that your political status in Hardkore World hovers in between Jonnie’s Frosty the Snowman lawn ornament and Cobryn’s Narrator.
Guillermo O'Bannon: (shakes his fist) That snowman’s trying to edge me out for years. Well maybe one day, the hunted will be come the hunter?
former prowrestling.com internet reporter Matt Boone: Rumor has it that has just as good a chance as William Regal getting a pop anywhere but England and England related subsidiaries.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Now, get the rain slickers on, it's about to get bloody. Cobryn has tried to get Kilroy to cancel this match at a house show in Hardkore Northeast. He's tried to wear a wetsuit. But none of that matters now that it is time for our main event of the evening. Kilroy Evans, who has provided fans all over the globe with some of the greatest barbed wire matches in history, takes on Hardkore America Champion Cobryn in just such a match.
former prowrestling.com internet reporter Matt Boone: My money's on Cyrus.
Guillermo O'Bannon: Cobryn.
former prowrestling.com internet reporter Matt Boone: We're not supposed to telegraph the run-ins, Guillermo. See, says so right here on my hand.
Guillermo O'Bannon: That looks to be tuna salad.
former prowrestling.com internet reporter Matt Boone: Right, tuna's for not telegraphing the run-ins. Jelly is for "Don't talk to Brandi, no matter how tight my pants feel, her stuff's rotten".
Guillermo O'Bannon: I wondered who's been getting in to my lunch. I always figured it was Big Stan. Kilroy and Cobryn have wrestled before in Ultimate Wrestling Alliance and Ascendent Wrestling in a few matches. In those matches, Kilroy became the first man to kick out of The Answer, Cobryn was the first to ever make The Attbury Assassin submit to The Bridge Over Key Largo. But never before have they been surrounded by a football field worth of the most evil invention since camera phones.
("Spiderbait" by Black Betty plays and Albuquerque leaps to their feet to cheer on their hero, Kilroy Evans. He comes out waving to the fans, slapping as many hands as he can, and letting them touch the Hardkore World Tag Team title belt slung over his shoulder)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Kilroy Evans can't wait to not only to tear his hated enemy Cobryn to shreds on that horrible wire, but win the Hardkore America title that alluded him throughout his feud with Death Gojira.
former prowrestling.com internet reporter Matt Boone: That's gotta stick in his craw. Like when Billy Gunn realizes that he’s going to look like Dick Murdoch soon, yet he’ll still walk backwards to the ring.
Yolanda Ando: Kilroy Evans wears one of the sexiest form-fitting black Bloodhound Gang shirts this baby blues have ever seen. Plus his blue jeans show off that cute little butt of his, let me see if I can get a word with him...
Guillermo O'Bannon: That's really not neccesary, Yolanda...
Yolanda Ando: Mr. Evans... KILROY!!!
Kilroy Evans: Uh...yes? I'm kinda in the middle of something here.
Yolanda Ando: So this thing with Emily...is it like serious?
(Kilroy Evans shakes his head and rolls under the barbed wire like a pro)
Guillermo O'Bannon: What was that about?
Yolanda Ando: I'm hard up, Guillermo. Back to you.
“Wild” Bill Kasal: “The following Barbed Wire Match is the Main Event of the evening. It is scheduled for one fall, a 30 minute time limit, and is for the HARDKORE AMERICA HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP!! Your referee is Ron Reid. Featuring first, from Attbury, South Carolina; Standing 5 feet 11 inches tall; Weighing 253 pounds; He is One Half of the HARDKORE WORLD TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS...KILROY EVANS!!!”
(“No Quarter” by Led Zepplin plays and University Arena boos. Cobryn steps out and is nearly knocked back by the wave of hate. He grins, then starts walking down to the ring. But Kilroy Evans rolls out of the ring and runs up the aisle to meet him halfway)
former prowrestling.com internet reporter Matt Boone: Kilroy deliberately depriving those of us who are curious how tall Cobryn is.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy hammering Cobryn in the aisleway, throwing his four foot long cape over his head and punching the blinded champion! Ron Reid has signaled for the bell to begin this match, so I guess we’re underway. Kilroy steps back and roundhose kicks Cobryn with the cape still covering his face!
(The crowd is on their feet, loudly cheering Kilroy as he bearhugs him in the aisle. Kilroy walks back to the security rail and hotshots Cobryn’s throat on the railing)
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy Evans lifts Cobryn up in a suplex and then drops his stomach on the guardrail!! An overzealous fan hands Kilroy a chair...
former prowrestling.com internet reporter Matt Boone: That was no overzealous fan, that was the Runaway Bride!!
Guillermo O’Bannon: At any rate, Kilroy clubs Cobryn over the head with the chair while he’s slumped over the railing!! Kilroy tears Cobryn’s cape off and begins choking him with it!
(Kilroy braces his knee against Cobryn’s head and gives him a great big tug back. Cobryn’s eyes bug out, and he writhes around, trying to escape. Ron Reid pleads with Kilroy to take it inside the ring)
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy Evans leans him against the ringpost. He backs up and spears Cobryn into the ringpost!!
(Cobryn’s head bangs against the ringpost and he crumples to the University Arena floor. Kilroy Evans climbs up to the apron, and gets a running start)
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy Evans elbow drops Cobryn from off the apron!!
(Albuquerque cheers, especially the Truth or Consequences contingency. The fans chant “KIL-ROY!! KIL-ROY!! KIL-ROY!! KIL-ROY!! KIL-ROY!!” Kilroy pulls Cobryn’s head into his legs, but Cobryn blocks the piledriver and backdrops him on the concrete)
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cobryn grabs the ringbell off of Ron De La O’s table. Cobryn bashes Kilroy in the face with the ringbell!!
(Crowd boos, and Cobryn brings the timekeeper’s bell down across his neck! He hiptosses Kilroy Evans over the railing into the front row. Kilroy’s sneakers kick a girl wearing a Xyrynth t-shirt in the face on the way over)
Guillermo O’Bannon: Their now fighting in the crowd, with Cobryn battering Kilroy in the face with short, quick jabs. They are opening up a cut Kilroy has over his eye from that ring bell. Kilroy responds with a soupbone of a right hand, and a stiff jab of his own. Cobryn tosses a fat guy with a “Bring Back Gorgeous Greg” sign into Kilroy.
former prowrestling.com internet reporter Matt Boone: Cobryn not only assaulting a fan, but the very lifestyle of us Dutch wrestling enthusiasts. What we lack in numbers, we make up for in sheer dedication. I’ve dressed as former Hardkore World Light Heavyweight Champion Randy “Rock & Roll” Carter for DutchWresCon 5 years now, non-consecutive. But you wanna know what everyone says to me during the bus ride over?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Not at all.
former prowrestling.com internet reporter Matt Boone: “Nice Elvis get-up.” People just don’t get it. If I weren’t a bed wetting pacifist, I would walk right over there and thrash Cobryn for bullying those who’s only sin is loving the simple art of Dutch wrestlers with flamboyant versions of American gimmicks. But it’s like Partyman Pete once said, when life’s problems get to you- “Wooo!!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cobryn catches Kilroy off balance with a thumb to the eye, and a then he steps over the railing. He grabs Kilroy and hits a rude awakening, smacking the back of Kilroy’s head on the guardrail!!
(Cobryn pulls Kilroy over the railing, back into the ring area. He grabs a chair from a fan and takes a swing at Kilroy, but Kilroy catches the chair. The fans come alive)
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy wrestles that chair away from Cobryn, and Cobryn skidaddles out of there. Kilroy chases him around the ring with that chair!
former prowrestling.com internet reporter Matt Boone: Cobryn better get into the barbed wire ring...where it’s safe.
(Cobryn slides underneath the barbed wire, into the ring. He catches the back of his calf on the barbed wire and cuts himself. He get up and waits for Kilroy)
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cobryn beats the already bloody Kilroy down with some kicks and then rolls over him with neck snap! Cobryn goes for a piledriver, but Kilroy reverses it into an alabama slammer!
(Kilroy suplexes Cobryn up and drops him into a falcon arrow! The crowd pops as Ron Reid slides into position)
Referee Ron Reid: 1...2...(Cobryn gets his shoulder up)
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy Evans turns him over into a boston crab. He clutches his hands together and bends Cobryn’s legs backward.
(Cobryn reaches out for the rope and catches his hand on the barbed wire. He shakes his hand in pain, before Kilroy yanks back on his legs again. Cobryn plants his hands into the mat and pushes his legs out of his hands. Kilroy gets to his feet and charges ahead)
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cobryn catches him in a 180 spinning spinebuster!!
Referee Ron Reid: 1...2...(Cobryn releases his legs and gets up to applaud for himself)
(The crowd boos and throws trash and cups into the ring. Cobryn mockingly bows to them. Cobryn turns around and catches a three finger thrust into his throat. He covers his throat)
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy Evans belly to belly suplexes Cobryn across the ring!! OHH!! He almost hit that barbed wire. He came within a hair of losing alot of skin there!
(Cobryn scoots away from the barbed wire, and wipes his forehead in relief. Evans follows him in with a jumping roundhouse, which Cobryn ducks. He gets under Kilroy’s legs and lifts him up in a gory special)
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cobryn walks him backwards over to the barbed wire with a sick grin on his face. He nods and then pitches Kilroy forward facefirst in the barbed wire from the gory special!!!
(Kilroy’s face hits every barbed wire strand on the way down! He clutches the deep lacerations in his cheek and starting again over his eye. Blood runs through his fingers, causing many women in the crowd to scream)
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cobryn walks over to him and rakes Kilroy’s face back & forth across the barbed wire!! Kilroy is a disgusting mess already! Cobryn side headlocks Kilroy, squeezing as much blood out of him as he can.
(Kilroy works his way back to his feet with Cobryn still hanging on to his head. Cobryn gives a hard yank, trying to pull Kilroy’s head off. Kilroy positions Cobryn in front of the barbed wire, and then pushes him off but Cobryn baseball slides under the barbed wire to avoid it. Albuquerque groans at the near miss, then really get on Cobryn’s case as he starts to leave)
former prowrestling.com internet reporter Matt Boone: Cobryn taking a powder. Sources close to the story say that he was none too pleased about being booked in a barbed wire match with Kilroy. He’s told friends he was promised an arm wrestling challenge with Bruno on this show resulting in an arm injury angle to explain his vacation to Aruba.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Is Cobryn really walking out here? Who does he think he is? Phil?
(Kilroy Evans comes up from behind Cobryn and german suplexes him in the aisleway!! The crowd pops and Cobryn crawls back to the ring, clutching his neck. A bloody Kilroy Evans is hot on his tail. He pulls Cobryn into his legs)
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy Evans piledrives him on the University Arena floor!! He rolls Cobryn underneath the barbed wire, back in to the ring. Kilroy enters the ring and t-bone suplexes him across the ring!
(Cobryn begs off, pleading with Kilroy not to throw him into the barbed wire. The crowd urges Kilroy to mutilate the American Champion. Kilroy looks to the crowd, nodding in anticipation)
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cobryn hits Kilroy low and tosses him headfirst into the barbed wire!! Kilroy has a peice stuck in his eyebrow, ew, he tore it out by hand! Cobryn sits on Kilroy’s back and applies a Cobryn Clutch!
(Cobryn digs his nails into Kilroy’s cuts and tears them open, while pulling back on his head. Ron Reid checks in to see if Kilroy submits. Evans shakes his head, and Cobryn scratches his face some more)
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cobryn pulls him up into a hanging suplex. He drops Kilroy’s ankles on the barbed wire and slingshot suplexes him!
former prowrestling.com internet reporter Matt Boone: One drawback to wearing sneakers in the ring, is no protection of the ankles.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cobryn applies a rear naked choke! Kilroy turning red, as Cobryn clamps down on his windpipe. Kilroy Evans drops down to his knees and drives his head into Cobryn’s cheekbone! Kilroy applies a chicken wing crossface, and wraps up their legs. He pitches Cobryn facefirst into the barbed wire!!!
(The University Arena is deafening as the crowd celebrates the hated Cobryn finally getting a tatse of the barbed wire!! Cobryn rolls around, clutching his face. The fans start singing “Kil-roy’s gonna kill you... Kil-roy’s gonna kill you... Kil-roy’s gonna kill you... Kil-roy’s gonna kill you... Kil-roy’s gonna kill you...”)
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cobryn staggers up to his feet, with some color running down his face. Kilroy Evans spears him into the barbed wire!!
(Cobryn’s arms and shoulders have blood running from brand new deep lacerations, courtesy of The Attbury Assassin. The Albuquerque crowd chants “KIL-ROY!! KIL-ROY!! KIL-ROY!! KIL-ROY!! KIL-ROY!!” He sits on top of Cobryn and sinks his teeth into Cobryn’s forehead, making one of his cuts even worse)
former prowrestling.com internet reporter Matt Boone: Kilroy’s goatee is sickeningly covered in blood. He looks like something out of 28 Days Later!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy double underhooks Cobryn’s arms but Cobryn reverses it into a fireman’s carry. He airplane spins him round & round, then tosses him into the barbed wire with a Cobtox!!
(The crowd boos, and Kilroy writhes around the mat, painting the canvas with his blood. Cobryn presses him over his head)
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cobryn drops him into The Bad Touch!! He makes the pin with a handful of Kilroy’s jeans!
Referee Ron Reid: 1...2...(Kilroy Evans kicks out)
Guillermo O’Bannon: A bleeding Cobryn lifts him up into an inverted crucifix. He runs to the barbed wire, but Kilroy falls forward into an inverted facelock. He drops him into a falling neckbreaker!
Referee Ron Reid: 1...2...(Cobryn gets his shoulder up)
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy Evans sticks his fingers in Cobryn’s cut and tears it open, wider & wider. Cobryn’s screams fill University Arena. He pulls his head into his legs and powerbombs him into the center of the ring!
(Kilroy Evans sits on Cobryn’s back and camel clutches him. He digs his nails into Kilroy’s deep cuts, making new blood ooze across Cobryn’s face. Ron Reid checks in to see if he submits, but Cobryn just shrieks & yells in agony. Kilroy releases the Cobryn Clutch and straddles over top of him. He grabs Cobryn by his pink stained hair and begins battering him in the face with rapid fire headbutts)
former prowrestling.com internet reporter Matt Boone: He’s gonna kill him!! Kilroy is bludgeoning Cobryn with his skull, liquifying his face!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy continuing to headbutt a limp and unconcious Cobryn until Cobryn brings his knee up into Kilroy’s groin. Cobryn gets to his feet and running double kneelifts Kilroy in the face!
(Cobryn straightjackets Evans arms and then uses his own arms to german suplex him and then cradle him with his own wrists)
Referee Ron Reid: 1...2...(Kilroy Evans gets his shoulder up)
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cobryn applies a standing reverse figure four leglock! He adds an ankle lock into the mix. Kilroy Evans grimacing in pain as the thousands in attendance here in New Mexico are urging him to hang on.
former prowrestling.com internet reporter Matt Boone: Kilroy trying to stave off the intense pain he is experiencing, so that he and I will have the momentum going into our mixed tag team match with Cobryn & Narrator.
Guilllermo O'Bannon: What?
former prowrestling.com internet reporter Matt Boone: That's right, coming up in San Diego is one of the most anticipated Wrestler & Person With No Business in the Ring tag team match since Gene Okerland & The Hulkster teamed up against Mr.Fuji & George Wallace.
Guillermo O'Bannon: George Steele.
former prowrestling.com internet reporter Matt Boone: Don't sweat the small stuff, G Man.
Guillermo O'Bannon: I don't see Jonnie booking that.
former prowrestling.com internet reporter Matt Boone: Jonnie's gonna learn one day to stop fighting it and just accept what Vince & Bischoff have been telling us we want for years. Backstage personnel going through the motions of three weeks of wrestling training. You gotta see my fireman's carries, Guillermo. They're a thing of beauty.
Guillermo O'Bannon: Cobryn wrenching Kilroy's foot to the side...
former prowrestling.com internet reporter Matt Boone: You have to see the vignettes Kilroy and I have taped. That'll sell you. There's the one where he trains me. I had heart palpatations when I tried to do a jumping jack, so we had stand-ins do most of my calastenics.
Guillermo O'Bannon: Pretty sad when John Goodman is one of your stand-ins.
former prowrestling.com internet reporter Matt Boone: He was a doll for doing that. The one where I give up but Kilroy talks me out of it brought a tear to Jonnie's eye. Well, his assistant's eye. Kilroy calls me his Matty Boom Batty.
Guillermo O'Bannon: Kilroy reaching out for the ropes...(Matt tries to get his Matty Boom Batty t-shirt in the shot) Get that out of my face, Boone! Cobryn releases the inverted figure four, and then rakes his bootlace against Kilroy Evans' cut.
(Cobryn lays a couple stomps to Kilroy's head. He backs up and waits for Kilroy to get to his feet. He rushes him but Kilroy catches him in a powerslam! The fans jump to their feet, and Kilroy hooks his leg)
Referee Ron Reid: 1...2...(Cobryn kicks out)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Kilroy Evans picks Cobryn up and sidewalks slams his back into the barbed wire!! Blood leaks out of the slits it leaves in his back and Cobryn drops to his knees, begging for mercy! Kilroy doesn't fall for it this time and irish whips him hard into the turnbuckles!
(The force flips Cobryn upside down, and Kilroy arranges him into a tree of woe. Kilroy then runs and spears Cobryn hard in the guts. Cobryn staggers up to his feet and Kilroy rushes him)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Kilroy Evans hops on Cobryn's back with a reverse thez press and piggybacks him into the barbed wire!!
(The University Arena delights in seeing Cobryn's face cut and shredded. Kilroy climbs to the top rope)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Kilroy Evans comes off the top with an elbow, but Cobryn rolls out of the way!! A blood drenched Cobryn gets up on rubbery legs and gut wrenches Kilroy up on his shoulder into a ganso bomb!! He rests his boots on the ropes for added leverage!
Referee Ron Reid: 1...2...thr...(Kilroy Evans gets his shoulder up)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Cobryn drops an elbow across Kilroy's bloody head. He pulls him up and tigerplexes him!!
Referee Ron Reid: 1...2...(Kilroy Evans rolls his shoulder up)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Cobryn pulls him up and irish whips him into the barbed wire. Kilroy puts the brakes on, Cobryn follows him in and gets a big boot to the head for his trouble!
(Kilroy Evans salutes the cheering fans and applies a cobra clutch! Cobryn waves his arms around frantically looking for some escape. Kilroy pulls back on Cobryn's arm, and presses down with all his might on the back of the neck)
"Wild" Bill Kasal: "Twenty Minutes Have Elapsed; 10 Minutes Remaining."
Guillermo O'Bannon: Kilroy Evans clamping down on Cobryn's head, trying to knock him out with it like he did to Death Gojira in San Diego. Ron Reid lifts Cobryn's arm and it falls limply to his side. The ref lifts the champ's arm again, and again, it falls.
(The crowd is at a fever pitch as Ron Reid picks up Cobryn's arm. Cobryn uses the last of his strength to push off, pitching Kilroy's back into the barbed wire)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Cobryn hits The Answer!! He covers Kilroy with both feet on the ropes!
Referee Ron Reid: 1...2...3!!!
(University Arena boos and jeers, as "No Quarter" by Led Zepplin plays. Kilroy and Cobryn bleed next to one another, with no clear indication of a winner or loser)
"Wild" Bill Kasal: "At 20 minutes 52 seconds; THE WINNER OF THE MATCH, AND STILL HARDKORE AMERICA HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION...COBRYN!!!"
Guillermo O'Bannon: Cobryn used whatever he had left, to push Kilroy into that dreaded barbed wire, and hit The Answer! He has persevered in one of the most dangerous matches in the World against one of the most dangerous people in the World.
(Ron Reid lays the Hardkore America Heavyweight title over Cobryn's chest. Soda cups, water bottles, and wadded up peices of paper fly into the ring as "No Quarter" continues to play through University Arena)
Guillermo O'Bannon: But does can that same perseverence save him when he heads to San Diego to take on Death Gojira in a falls count anywhere match!?! Find out! When presumably Phil...
former prowrestling.com internet reporter Matt Boone: Or me!
Guillermo O'Bannon: Depending on if Phil still works here, or Matt. See you in San Deigo, back at the Cox Arena!
(Shot fades out on a bloody & unconcious, yet victorious champion, with the belt laying over his heaving chest)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Welcome back to the Desert! We're here at The University Arena in Albuquerque, New Mexico. But will this be the last stop of Cobryn's Hardkore America Heavyweight Title reign?
Phil Blauer: (shakes his magic 8 ball) 'Ask again later'.
Guillermo O'Bannon: Cobryn and Kilroy Evans have tussled before in a classic match for the UWA World Championship. Cobryn squeaked by with a win, but Kilroy got a rematch, and again, Cobryn used nefarious means to walk out of that pay-per-view with the title. Then came the Tournament of the Elite run by Cyrus' bootlick, Tom Lux. Cobryn defeated Soutter, Lucifer Jones, and Rally Jackson to get to the finals. Kilroy Evans was able to down top notch wrestlers like Hardkore America Heavyweight Champion Robert Hunglestien III and his current partner, Andrew Karnage.
Phil Blauer: I miss Hunglestien.
Guillermo O'Bannon: I know you do, Phil. In that final match for the Tournament of the Elite, Kilroy kicked out of the Answer becoming the first man to ever kick out of the finisher. After 58 or some odd minutes Kilroy submitted for the first time in his career to the Bridge Over Key Largo.
Phil Blauer: What's the big deal about that? I give up all the time. Look at this tie, I couldn't get the rabbit to go through the hole, so I just left it.
Guillermo O'Bannon: Well, your first problem is that's a belt. At any rate, in Seattle, Cobryn wrestled Andrew Karnage in a thrilling steel cgae match. After he was able to eek out a victory, The Miracle Violence Combination II laid a beating on him in that cage. Now tonight, Kilroy Evans and Cobryn match up for a fourth time, this time with barbed wire on any side of them.
Phil Blauer: Kilroy Evans have had some of Hardkore World's best barbed wire matches with Death Gojira last year. We'll see how Cobryn's wrestling prowess is effected when his face looks like lasagna.
Guillermo O'Bannon: Then it's time for the first scaffold match in Hardkore World in a long time. And once again, it involves The Warhammer Corporation. Shootfighter, Tarrasque, and Jeremiah Vastrix take on Stan Wilson, Bruno, and Tony Thunder for the Hardkore World Six Man Tag Team titles.
Phil Blauer: Four men over 6'5 twenty feet over the ring? Bruno, Stan, and Tarrasque are all 300 pounds or more. Cobryn and Kilroy Evans will be lucky to have a ring to wrestle in after that match.
Guillermo O'Bannon: In Seattle, Xyrynth and Ayame Tokugawa had a thrilling ladder match that saw Tokugawa upset the champ and win the Hardkore World Women's Championship. Tonight, Ayame has her first title defense against a women she's tangled with before. In Palm Springs, Ayame defeated Brandi. Now after a rather brutal attack on Anjanette Turner, Vagabond, and her own partner Tamara Sanchez, Brandi is on track to become one of the power players in Hardkore World. Winning the Hardkore World Women's Championship in a steel cage match would be a good start.
Phil Blauer: Heard anything from that Hardkore South of hers yet?
Guillermo O'Bannon: I called but their phone was shut off. In Seattle, Big Bad Bill's long Hardkore West Coast title reign came to an end, when The Shootfighter finally won his first singles title after over 10 years of trying. Now tonight, Bill takes on The Undisputed King of the Monsters Death Gojira. The man Bill faced for the Hardkore West Coast title in Palm Springs, Lonewolf McNeely wrestles the man who wrestled for close to an hour in Seattle, "The White Chapel Horror" Lucifer Jones.
Phil Blauer: Or will it be the man in the red mask?
Guillermo O'Bannon: Jones unmasked that guy, Phil. It was Dan Stein.
Phil Blauer: Or was it? If Stein turns into a white tiger tonight, all bets are off!
Guillermo O'Bannon: Agreed. Dan Stein wrestles the man who he pinned to win the barbed wire battle royal in Palm Springs. A man he has had many words with over the past couple months, Hardkore World Light Heavyweight Champion Syberus. Then Cyrus Williams wrestles his second match on his comeback tour, against "Your Canadian Hero" Nick Knight. Carpenter wrestles his first Hardkore singles match in some time, against the man who wrestled a classic match against Cobryn in a steel cage, Andrew Karnage. But first-...what's the matter, Phil?
Phil Blauer: Huh? (points at his tears) Oh this? I always cry before the curtain jerker.
Guillermo O'Bannon: Whatever, anyway Xyrynth recently lost her...
Phil Blauer: Ok, ok, you beat it out of me! I had my heart broken.
Guillermo O'Bannon: I guess this proves that there is a God.
Phil Blauer: I was trolling through what I consider to be my second home, Duluth, Georgia. There I was, hiding in the reeds, as I'm know to do, I met the cutest little jogger. She asked me what I was doing there. I made her think it was unromantic to ask such a question. Then she told me about how she was marrying this tool in a few days. Before you could say Missing Jogger, I had hacked off clumps of her hair and we were Vegas bound, baby.
Guillermo O'Bannon: That's sweet, Phil, but...
Phil Blauer: Ah, but it wasn't all Wine & Roses, my sort-of-friend-but-not-really. You see, like all tragic love stories, there was a catch. You see, there was a limit to her parents money. By the time we got here to Albuquerque, all we had was three dollars and a couple of fruit roll-ups to live on. Sure, the sex was still great. But there was something missing from my little bob haired crazy ass. That was my pet name for her.
Guillermo O'Bannon: That's cute.
Phil Blauer: So I had a sit down with her. I said, "Look here, you fuckin loon."
Guillermo O'Bannon: Another pet name?
Phil Blauer: No, if you met her you'd say the same thing. I said, "We may not have much money right now. But let me tell you, our bank account is filled with Phil. And let me tell ya, you can cash that anywhere." I haven't seen her since.
("Sweet Dreams" by Eurythmics plays and the Albuquerque fans jump to their feet, craning out their hands for Xyrynth to slap. She emerges with Dr. Cliff Hawke and greets front row fans all along the ring area)
Guillermo O'Bannon: These fans are ready for their first match of the evening!
Phil Blauer: What about that "Minister" Marty Bower vs. Devon Stevens match we just sat through?
Guillermo O'Bannon: That's called a dark match, Phil. And we're not supposed to acknowledge they happened.
Phil Blauer: Ah, can that rule be applied a little more liberally? Like that thing I did with the thing?
Guillermo O'Bannon: Xyrynth was recently upset by Ayame Tokugawa in that thrilling ladder match...
Phil Blauer: You already called it thrilling in the intro. What did you leave your thesaurus at home?
Guillermo O'Bannon: Xyrynth looking to get her rematch with the champion, whoever gets out of that steel cage tonight with the title tonight, has a two time champion to worry about.
Yolanda Ando: Xyrynth has got some lightweight jeans dyed deep purple with "Xyrynth" spelled in sea foam green vertically down her outer left leg, with matching sea foam green tank top tucked into the pants. On her feet are some black, sturdy, hiking boots with "Section 8" emblems on the outside ankles of each, and black knee pads. She's wearing some fingerless black leather gloves with the "Section 8" emblems on the backs. Her long brown hair is in a single French braid down her back to her waist, interwoven and tied with deep purple and sea foam green ribbons.
"Wild" Bill Kasal: "Ladies and Gentleman, welcome to the University Arena. Hardkore Jonnie Valentine and Hardkore World presents tonight's evening of Hardkore America action. Now, tonight's first match. Your referee is Mike Peters; Featuring first, accompanied to the ring by her manager, Doctor Cliff Hawke; From Leitchfield, Kentucky; Standing 5 feet 7 inches tall; Weighing 170 pounds...XYRYNTH!!!"
(The fans cheer Xyrynth wildly and she pumps her fist at the huge ovation she's getting from the New Mexico crowd. Then "Magic Carpet Ride" by Steppenwolf plays)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Did my stepdad just take over the audio booth?
Phil Blauer: I don't know, I don't smell the cloud of Natural Ice burps and cheap weed that usually follows him everywhere.
(The curtains part and Vagabond walks out with her hands up for the crowd. She walks to the ring with her long legs and a little smile. She climbs up into the ring and gives the “come on” gesture to Xyrynth)
Phil Blauer: Pretty confident for a girl who spent her debut match sleeping it off in the aisle.
Guillermo O'Bannon: Brandi and Tamara Sanchez attacked Vagabond before the match, Phil, so this will be our first good look at her. But she could have picked an easier opponent to challenge. Xyrynth has had some of the most thrilling matches, male or female, this company has ever seen.
Phil Blauer: There you go with that word again...
"Wild" Bill Kasal: "And her opponent; Bethany Beach, Delaware; Standing 5 feet even; Weighing 102 pounds...VAGABOND!!!"
(The Albuquerque audience gives her a welcome round of applause. Cliff Hawke and Bill Kasal leave the ring and Mike Peters signals for the bell)
Guillermo O'Bannon: These two ladies lock up, and Xyrynth hiptosses her over to the mat. Vagabond rushes her but Xyrynth takes her down with a drop toe hold. She runs into the ropes, and when Vagabond gets back up to her knees, Xyrynth flips over her with a neck snap.
(Xyrynth picks her up by the hair and irish whips her into the ropes, Vagabond comes back with a lou thez press)
Referee Mike Peters: 1...(Xyrynth kicks out)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Vagabond picks her up by the french braid and irish whips her into the turnbuckles. She runs in spinning, and tornado punches her so hard she falls into a heap in the corner!
(Vagabond hangs her upside down in the corner in a tree of woe. She backs into the corner and screams out to the fans, who scream back, getting into this match. She charges in and baseball slide dropkicks a helpless Xyrynth in the face!! Vagabond stays facedown down on the mat, soaking in the applause, and pumps the canvas a little to warm the fans' blood)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Vagabond could be the greatest wrestler to come out of Delaware.
Phil Blauer: That really goes without saying.
(Vagabond pulls her up by the hair and irish whips her, but the two time champ reverses the whip and shoots Vagabond into the ropes and tiltawhirls her around then drops her stomach across Xyrynth's knee! Vagabond staggers around the ring, clutching her stomach, coughing)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Xyrynth DDTs her! She rolls on top of the newcomer and hooks her leg!
Referee Mike Peters: 1...2...(Vagabond kicks out)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Xyrynth irish whips her into the ropes again, and goes for a spinebuster but Vagabond turns it into a monkey flip!
(Vagabond motions for Xyrynth to get up, and when she does, she tackles her with a hard spear! The fans cheer, and Vagabond grabs her by her leg and wrenches her foot with an anklelock)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Vagabond wraps her legs around Xyrynth's thigh and drops down to the mat with the anklelock. Mike Peters checks in but Xyrynth refusing to submit.
(Xyrynth does a push-up from the mat, and gets to where she's standing on one leg with Vagabond still holding on to her leg. She turns around to where she's facing Vagabond and then smacks her in the back of the head with an enzuigiri! The sound of her boot hitting Vagabond's head rings through The University Arena)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Vagabond staggers around dazed, and Xyrynth launches into a handstand in front of her. She scissors Vagabonds head and spins her around into a takedown!
(The audience applauds Xyrynth's balance. Xyrynth grabs Vagabond by her legs and catapults her throatfirst into the top rope! Vagabond falls backward against Xyrynth's upraised knees)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Xyrynth pulls Vagabond's head into her legs, and rolls her up into a canadian backbreaker but Vagabond reverses it with a huracanrana!!
(Fans cheer, and Vagabond steps through the ropes out on to the apron. She pulls on the top rope and slingshots herself back onto Xyrynth with a senton)
Referee Mike Peters: 1...2...(Xyrynth kicks out)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Vagabond applies a crippler crossface to Xyrynth's head and arm. She wrenches up on Xyrynth's crooked head & arm!
(Xyrynth cries out in pain, as Dr. Cliff Hawke urges her to hold on from the outside. Xyrynth gets her bearings and rolls her over into a cradle)
Referee Mike Peters: 1...2...(Vagabond releases Xyrynth's arm to escape the cradle)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Vagabond and Xyrynth are both back up on their feet, and Xyrynth whacks her in the temple with a jumping spin kick!
(Xyrynth fireman's carries Vagabond up onto her shoulders, and spins her into an F5! Xyrynth rolls her over and pins her)
Referee Mike Peters: 1...2...(Vagabond kicks out)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Xyrynth steps through the ropes out to the apron. She pulls on the top rope and slingshots herself onto the middle of the top rope. Springboard dropkick!!
(The New Mexico crowd applauds Xyrynth's dropkick, and Xyrynth pulls her up by her hair. Xyrynth irish whips her into the ropes, and she back body drops her, but Vagabond lands on her feet)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Vagabond catches Xyrynth under the jaw with a superkick!
Phil Blauer: What a match!
Guillermo O'Bannon: Vagabond climbs to the top rope and corkscrews off into a legdrop!! Listen to these fans cheer!
Phil Blauer: (pouts) No one cheers when I screw off.
Referee Mike Peters: 1...2...(Xyrynth kicks out)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Vagabond pulls her up into a front facelock, and drives her head into the canvas with a DDT!
(The momentum bounces Xyrynth up back to her knees, and then she falls facefirst on the mat. Vagabond springs to the top rope like a cat)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Vagabond comes off the top with a splash but Xyrynth is waiting for her with some knees to her stomach!! Xyrynth lifts her up for a fisherman's buster but drops her neck across her knee with a cradle neckbreaker!!
Referee Mike Peters: 1...2...(Vagabond gets her shoulder up)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Xyrynth irish whips her into the ropes and then kicks her face in with a big boot to the head! Xyrynth climbs to the top rope and waits for her to get up. She leaps off, catches Vagabond's head with her legs, and flips her over into a super flying head scissors!!
(The University Arena comes alive with cheers and many fans give both ladies a round of applause for a good match so far. Xyrynth pulls Vagabond into her legs and then lifts her on to her shoulder in an argentinean backbreaker)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Xyrynth going to work on the back now, bouncing Vagabond's spine up & down on her shoulder. Mike Peters checks in but Vagabond waves him off, refusing to submit.
(Xyrynth manuevers her into a racked spinning leg lock! The fans cheer as round & round Vagabond goes. Upon slowing the spin, Xyrynth drops to her knees again, powerbombing her to the mat)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Xyrynth hits The Whirlygig and immediately goes into a jackknife hold for a pin!!
Referee Mike Peters: 1...2...(Vagabond rolls her shoulder up)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Xyrynth irish whips Vagabond into the ropes but Vagabond comes back with leg scissors takedown! She pulls Xyrynth onto her shoulder with a samurai driver but Xyrynth rolls up and spins around on to her shoulders. She takes Vagabond over the ropes to the floor with a reverse rana!
(Audience cheers as Xyrynth and Vagabond spill to The University Arena floor. Xyrynth climbs back up onto the apron and backflips kicks Vagabond into the railing)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Xyrynth performs Cleanyng Out Cobwebs from the apron!
Phil Blauer: Did Rhyno teach her how to spell that?
Guillermo O'Bannon: Xyrynth front facelocks Vagabond, but she blocks the DDT and back body drops her back on the concrete! Vagabond slides into the ring and climbs to the top rope. She comes off with a tope suicida to Xyrynth on the floor!!!
(The crowd gives her a huge pop and some fans start a chant of "CRA-ZY BITCH!! CRA-ZY BITCH!! CRA-ZY BITCH!! CRA-ZY BITCH!! CRA-ZY BITCH!!" Meanwhile Vagabond is back up and leans Xyrynth's back up against the railing)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Vagabond climbs up to the apron and hops to middle of the second rope. She backflips into an asai moonsault taking both Xyrynth and herself over the railing into the front row!!
Phil Blauer: When Tammy & Brandi laid a beating on her in Seattle, they really deprived us of a good match with this girl!
Guillermo O'Bannon: Vagabond is back up on to the top turnbuckle while Xyrynth is helped to her feet by several fans in the front row.
Phil Blauer: I don't think she needs that much butt support.
Guillermo O'Bannon: Give em a break, this is the most they can hope to get from someone that isn't charging them per dance. Vagabond comes off the top with a beautifully executed corkscrew moonsault in the crowd!!!
(Fans give her a monster pop and begin chanting "VAG-A-BOND!! VAG-A-BOND!! VAG-A-BOND!! VAG-A-BOND!! VAG-A-BOND!! VAG-A-BOND!!" as both lie in the ruins of flattened chairs and flattened fans)
Phil Blauer: What a match to start off the other nine here tonight in Albuquerque!
Guillermo O'Bannon: Vagabond now rolls Xyrynth into the ring and grabs a chair. She enters the ring and takes a swing at the two time champ with it, but Xyrynth ducks, and tries to backdrop Vagabond over the ropes, but Vagabond turns it into a tarantula with that chair in between them!!
(Crowd cheers as Vagabond bounces up & down with Xyrynth's arms & legs. Xyrynth screams bloody murder as Mike Peters lays in the count)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Vagabond releases the tarantula and picks her chair up but Xyrynth spins kicks the chair into her face!! Vagabond crumples to the apron, but Xyrynth pulls her up and suplexes her over the ropes into a brainbuster in the ring!!
Referee Mike Peters: 1...2...(Vagabond kicks out)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Xyrynth grabs two handfuls of Vagabond's hair and then drops to her knees, driving the top of her head through Vagabond's chin! Xyrynth full nelsons the staggering Vagabond, and spins her around & around!
Phil Blauer: Oh, and she drives that amazing butt into the mat!
Guillermo O'Bannon: She rolls her back into a Flushed crucifix cradle!
Referee Mike Peters: 1...2...(Vagabond gets her shoulder up)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Xyrynth irish whips Vagabond into the ropes and rolls up into a huracanrana but Vagabond reverses it into a samurai driver!!
Referee Mike Peters: 1...2...(Xyrynth rolls her shoulder up)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Vagabond runs and hops onto the middle of the second rope and backflips into a lionsault!!
(The fans applaud Vagabond. She pulls Xyrynth up by her french braid and front facelocks her. She drives her face into the mat with an impaler DDT)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Vagabond climbs back up to the top rope and flips off with a senton splash to the Xyrynth's back!!
(Vagabond headlocks Xyrynth and runs to the center of the ring for a bulldog, but Xyrynth pushes her off, chestfirst into the turnbuckles)
Phil Blauer: Not the fun bags!
Guillermo O'Bannon: Xyrynth climbs to the top rope and waits for Vagabond to rise. She she does she somersaults into a DDT!!
Referee Mike Peters: 1...2...(Vagabond kicks out)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Xyrynth lifts her up into another argentinean backbreaker, continuing to wear down Vagabond's lower back. She then flips Vagabond forward and piledrives her!!
Referee Mike Peters: 1...2...(Vagabond gets her foot on the bottom rope)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Xyrynth climbs to the top turnbuckle and hits The Flyswatter body press!!
Referee Mike Peters: 1...2...(Vagabond rolls on top of Xyrynth)
Referee Mike Peters: 1...2...(Xyrynth kicks out)
(The smarks in the Albuquerque audience applauds the see-saw nature of this match. When Xyrynth gets up Vagabond is ready for her with a heel kick to her nose)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Vagabond hits the ropes and cartwheels into a spin kick to Xyrynth's jaw! She steps on to the bottom rope and moonsaults her! She doesn't go for a pin and instead, hops on to the second turnbuckle and moonsaults Xyrynth again!!
(The University Arena chants "One More Time! One More Time! One More Time! One More Time! One More Time!" Vagabond climbs to the top turnbuckle from the inside of the ring)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Vagabond hits a third moonsault from the top and hooks the leg!!
Referee Mike Peters: 1...2...(Xyrynth kicks out)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Vagabond goes out to the apron, and slingshots herself onto the middle of the top rope, springboard spinning heel kick!!
(Vagabond irish whips Xyrynth into the ropes, but when she dips down for a backdrop, Xyrynth blocks it)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Xyrynth drops to her knees with a cradle piledriver on Vagabond!!
(Xyrynth pulls Vagabond up onto her shoulder into yet another argentinean backbreaker. She arranges Vagabond's head towards the ground)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Xyrynth makes Vagabond forget all about high school with The Oopsy-Daisy brainbuster!!
Referee Mike Peters: 1...2...thr...(Vagabond kicks out)
Phil Blauer: That was a close shave.
Guillermo O'Bannon: Indeed, Vagabond almost lost this one after the Oopsy-Daisy.
Phil Blauer: No, I changed razors recently. Just feel this face.
Guillermo O'Bannon: I'm not touching you, Phil. Xyrynth hops to the middle of the top rope and comes off with a springboard shooting star missle dropkick!!!
Phil Blauer: I...am speechless.
Guillermo O'Bannon: There is a God.
(The entire University Arena is on their feet, clapping for the Myssyle Stryke. Xyrynth sits on Vagabond's back and applies her dragon sleeper camel clutch finisher. The fans recognize the move and cheer wildly)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Xyrynth has Through the Wrynger locked in!!! She plants her feet on the ground and pulls back on Vagabond's head! Vagabond reaching out for the ropes, crawling closer & closer!
(Vagabond gets close enough to the ropes, so Xyrynth drags her back into the center of the ring, and reapplies Through the Wrynger! The crowd is really at a fever pitch, as Xyrynth bends back as far back as she can)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Vagabond gets her lead loose and slips back through Xyrynth's legs, then bulldogs her from behind!
"Wild" Bill Kasal: "Twenty Minutes Have Elapsed. 10 Minutes Remaing."
(Vagabond climbs to the top turnbuckle, and spreads his arms. Vagabond tucks her head and gets some height on a swanton bomb with her arms & legs spread)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Vagabond hits her Butterfly Dive!!!
Referee Mike Peters: 1...2...3!!!
("Magic Carpet Ride" by Steppenwolf plays and the crowd gives both ladies a standing ovation. Dr. Cliff Hawke enters the ring and helps Xyrynth to her feet, as Mike Peters raises Vagabond's hand in victory)
Guillermo O'Bannon: What an upset! Vagabond has defeated two time Hardkore World Champion Xyrynth in her first match!
"Wild" Bill Kasal: "At 20 minutes 31 seconds; THE WINNER OF THE MATCH...VAGABOND!!!"
(Vagabond and Xyrynth shake hands, and Xyrynth holds Vagabond's arm up. The crowd gives them another standing O. Vagabond walks down the aisle, slapping the fans hands as she walks to the back)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Coming up now we have a match between two of the roughest characters in Hardkore America. Andrew Karnage recently wrestled a Steel Cage Match with Cobryn in Seattle that left both men bloody & broken. Carpenter wrestled his heart out in the eight man Hardkore World Light Heavyweight but came up short. Both men have something to prove tonight.
("Raining Blood" by Slayer hits, the fans rock The University Arena with boos. The drums pound lightly in the backdrop of the sound of a thunderstorm for a half minute, and then lightning hits the top of the jumbotron and the screen "explodes" as the guitars jam, revealing the name "Carpenter" written in dripping blood. The curtain parts as two burly male 'nurses' wheel out an electric chair, with Carpenter firmly strapped down and struggling. They wheel him onto the stage and stop, undo his hand restraints and turn, running backstage. He undoes the chest buckle then frees his feet and gets up, moving towards the ring, eyes glaring as he looks around. As he gets halfway down the ramp he pulls his mask off of his belt, revealing two large brass knucks, and pulls the mask over his bandaged face)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Carpenter's brother Phoenix wrestling in Hardkore Northeast right now. He has a match coming up with Pedro "El Gallo" Santiago in the Tri-State Title Tournament in Cleveland, Ohio.
Phil Blauer: My sources close to Matt Boone tell me Phoenix is laying pipe with Xyrynth.
Guillermo O'Bannon: Everyone knows that, Phil.
Phil Blauer: But did you know that she's getting a little brotherly love from Carpenter as well?
Guillermo O'Bannon: That's not true.
Phil Blauer: You believe what you believe. I believe what I like to believe.
Yolanda Ando: Carpenter wears black leather and bandages, with a metal goalie mask. He has two brass knucks hooked to his belt, so he's sweating that pat down from Ron Reid.
Phil Blauer: Chances are he still won't find em.
"Wild" Bill Kasal: "The following contest is scheduled for one fall with a 30 minute time limit. Your referee is Ron Reid. Featuring first, from Parts Unknown; Standing 6 feet 2 inches tall; Weighing 220 pounds...CARPENTER!!!"
(The fans boo Carpenter and he snarls back at them. Then Andrew Karnage begins walking down to the ring and the Albuquerque crowd gives him a warm ovation. The Hardkore World Tag Team Title belt is strapped around his waist)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Andrew Karnage is one of the most exciting competitors to watch live. If your there when he hits that Nightmare Lariot, it's a memory that stays with you your entire life.
Phil Blauer: Someone hasn't been to a Gallagher show. (laughs to himself) ...hahahahaha...the apple....(laughs louder)...the pumpkin...hee hee hee, oh-oh god...THE WATERMELON, HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
Guillermo O'Bannon: PHIL!!
Phil Blauer: ...sorry.
Yolanda Ando: Andrew Karnage wears some black knee length basketball shorts with "AK-47" down the outsides of each leg in dark red. Dark red kneepads, and black calf high boots with red laces, and has a black elbow supporter on his right elbow.
"Wild" Bill Kasal: "And his opponent; from Orem, Utah; Standing 6 feet 5 inches tall; Weighing 257 pounds; He is One Half of the HARDKORE WORLD TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS...ANDREW KARNAGE!!!"
(The New Mexico fans give him a huge ovation, chanting "KAR-NAGE!! KAR-NAGE!! KAR-NAGE!! KAR-NAGE!! KAR-NAGE!!" The referee signals for the bell)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Carpenter grabs Andrew Karnage by the hair and headbutts the back of his head several times with that metal goalie mask!!
(Carpenter hooks Karnage up and snap suplexes him. He scoops Karnage up and slams him to the mat)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Carpenter runs into the ropes, but Karnage ducks under a clothesline. Carpenter comes back and Andrew Karnage belly to belly suplexes him over his head and across the ring!
(The crowd comes alive with cheers, Carpenter tries to get up in the corner but Karnage batters him with several forearm smashes until he drops to his butt)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Karnage bootscrapes Carpenter a few times and finishes him off with a Facewash bootscrape! He pulls Carpenter up and tosses him across the ring with an exploder '98!!
(Karnage irish whips Carpenter into the turnbuckles. He follows him in but Carpenter floors him with a standing dropkick! The fans boo, and Carpenter stands on the second rope and threatens them)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Carpenter stands on the backs of Karnage's knees, and pulls him up into an inverted surfboard! Karnage shouts out in agony.
(Carpenter bounces Karnage up & down on his calves. Ron Reid checks in but Karnage refuses to submit)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Carpenter releases the inverted surfboard, and rolls him forward into an STF. Carpenter wrenches up on Karnage's head, trying to choke him out.
(Ron Reid asks him if he wants to tap out, while Carpenter clamps down on Karnage's windpipe. Andrew Karnage reaches out for the bottom rope)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Karnage grabs a hold of that rope, and Reid finally forces Carpenter to break the STF. Carpenter irish whips Karnage, but he reverses it, and shoots Carpenter into the ropes. He tiltawhirls him into a backbreaker!!
(Andrew Karnage lifts Carpenter over his head and tosses him down into an alabama slammer!! The fans get louder & louder)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Andrew Karnage applies an abdominal stretch and pulls his arm to make it a giant octopus. Karnage plants his foot, and pulls back on his arm.
(Carpenter hiptosses Karnage, and counters with an abdominal stretch of his own. Karnage uses his height advantage for added leverage)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Karnage loosens tha abdominal stretch a little and cobra clutch suplexes him on the back of his head!! Carpenter pulls Karnage's head into his legs and lifts him up on his shoulder in an Argentinean backbreaker!
Phil Blauer: Carpenter is really working the tag team champion's lower back.
(Karnage grunts in pain while Carpenter bounces his spine along his shoulder. Karnage's hands & arms fall limply to his sides)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Karnage now pummeling Carpenter in his ear to break the argentinean backbreaker. And he does. Karnage waistlocks Carpenter and german suplexes him! He pulls Carpenter up into a full nelson.
(The fans cheer and Karnage dragon suplexes him but doesn't go for the cover. He pulls Carpenter up into a straightjacket)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Andrew Karnage deposits Carpenter on the back of his head with a Pride Cycle!!
Referee Ron Reid: 1...2...(Carpenter gets an arm free)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Andrew Karnage hammerlocks Carpenter's arm and scoops him up on to his shoulder. Karnage walks over to the corner, then charges into the center of the ring, powerslamming him on his chicken winged arm!!
(Crowd cheers as Carpenter rolls around, clutching his arm tightly to his chest. Karnage climbs up to the top rope, and then comes off with a headbutt to his shoulder!! Karnage drapes an arm over him)
Referee Ron Reid: 1...2...(Carpenter gets his shoulder up)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Andrew Karnage grabs Carpenter's aching arm and applies a crippler crossface! He sets it in and then hammerlocks the arm that isn’t scissored, holding it with his elbow while he reaches up to apply the chinlock. The Pain Killer EX!!
Phil Blauer: Karnage trying to hurt both arms, not just the weakened wing.
(Ron Reid asks Carpenter if he wants to tap out, but he waves him away. Karnage uses those pipe like arms to yank up on his face. Karnage releases The Pain Killer EX and picks him up into a backdrop driver, but Carpenter lands on his feet behind him)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Carpenter monkey flips Karnage across the ring! Carpenter butterflies Karnage's arms and double underhook suplexes him across to the other side!
(Fans boo as Carpenter flexes his muscles to mock Karnage. Carpenter gut wrenches Karnage up and over into a powerbomb)
Referee Ron Reid: 1...2...(Andrew Karnage rolls his shoulder up)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Carpenter twists Karnage's legs around his arm and turns him over into a texas cloverleaf! Carpenter backs up so that it's in a liontamer position.
(University Arena continues to boo Carpenter while he pulls & tugs back on Karnage's twisted legs. Karnage reaches out for the ropes, and gets close, so Carpenter drags him into the center of the ring by the legs and stands back into another texas cloverleaf)
Guillermo O'Bannon: With one escape route foiled, Karnage grabs Carpenter's foot and trips him into an anklelock. Carpenter pushes him off with his other foot, but Karnage catches him getting up with a yakuza kick!
(Andrew Karnage half nelsons Carpenter and tosses him like a sack of garbage with a t-bone suplex!! The crowd is on their feet and Karnage feeds off their energy. Karnage grabs Carpenter's leg and turns him over into a single leg boston crab)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Karnage adding to the pain of that single leg crab by standing on Carpenter's head. He bends His leg back towards his head, trying to take out those springy legs of Carpenter's. Karnage finally releases it and pulls him up into a suplex, but Carpenter blocks it with his calf. Carpenter answers with a gourdbuster!!
(Carpenter climbs to the top rope and waits for Karnage to rise. When he does, Carpenter comes off with a corkscrew plancha)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Carpenter picks Karnage up and powerbombs his skull into the mat!! He holds the legs for a pin!
Referee Ron Reid: 1...2...(Andrew Karnage rolls his shoulder up)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Carpenter climbs to the top rope from inside the ring, but Karnage crotches him on the top turnbuckle. Karnage climbs to the top rope and sits behind Carpenter, hooking his legs around the top rope. He applies a kataha-jime, and then drops back into a Black Market Lobotomy brainbuster!!!
(The New Mexico crowd goes wild as Karnage continues to hang upside down from the top rope, smiling. He falls back onto his feet and grabs Carpenter by the neck)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Andrew Karnage tosses Carpenter across the ring with a powerful head & arm suplex!!
(Karnage stalks Carpenter, pulling him up on to his shoulders immediately. He charges across the ring and drops Carpenter on his head with death valley driver!! He cradles the legs)
Referee Ron Reid: 1...2...(Carpenter kicks out)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Andrew Karnage butterflies his arms and then lifts him up in a snap double underhook brainbuster he calls The Tiger Buster!!
Referee Ron Reid: 1...2...(Carpenter kicks Karnage in the face)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Carpenter double underhook DDTs Karnage!
Phil Blauer: That took the wind out of his sails!
(Carpenter gets behind Andrew Karnage and lifts him up & back in a belly to back cradle suplex)
Referee Ron Reid: 1...2...(Andrew Karnage gets his shoulder up)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Carpenter gets underneath Karnage's legs and lifts him up on his shoulders, then drops him facefirst in an electric chair bomb!!
(Carpenter goes for a moonsault again, and this time hits it!! He hooks one of Karnage's legs)
Referee Ron Reid: 1...2...(Andrew Karnage kicks out)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Carpenter climbs to the top rope again, but Karnage gets up and shakes the ropes, crotching him! Karnage turns his back to him and takes both his arms and crossing them. He flips him over into a owen driver known as The Grimstad driver!!
Phil Blauer: Named after a former Hardkore World Six Man Tag Team Champion from Hardkore Puerto Rico and Rotterdam Wrestling Superstars, Vladimir Grimstad!
Guillermo O'Bannon: Andrew Karnage irish whips Carpenter, then chokeslams him up and then down into a backbreaker!!
(The fans delight in seeing Carpenter, rolling around the mat with his hand pressed to his back. Karnage gut wrenches Karnage up onto his shoulder, then runs into the middle of the ring with a ligerbomb)
Referee Ron Reid: 1...2...thr...(Carpenter rolls his shoulder up)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Karnage lays a stiff kick into Carpenter's kidneys. He goes for another one but Carpenter dragon screws him to the mat, into an anklelock! Carpenter wrenches Karnage's foot to the side as Ron Reid checks in to see if he wants to tap out.
"Wild" Bill Kasal: "Twenty Minutes Have Elapsed. 10 Minutes Remaining."
(Carpenter wraps his legs around Karnage's thigh and then drops down to the mat, in an on the mat version of the anklelock. Karnage growls out in pain while Carpenter twists on his ankle)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Carpenter loosens the anklelock long enough to reapply it into an indian deathlock. Karnage attempts to push up, but Carpenter will not let him turn it over.
(Carpenter clamps down on Karnage's crossed legs, and Andrew screams in pain. The Albuquerque audience boos. Karnage reaches out and grabs the bottom rope, and Ron Reid forces Carpenter to break the indian deathlock. Carpenter steps through the ropes out on to the apron)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Carpenter hops on to the middle of the top rope and shooting star legdrops Karnage!!!
(Crowd has to give it up for that move, and Carpenter hooks his leg)
Referee Ron Reid: 1...2...thr...(Andrew Karnage gets his foot on the bottom rope)
(The audience sighs with relief, Carpenter takes his brass knuckles off of his belt and attaches them to his hands. He straddles Andrew Karnage, and begins peppering his ribs & face with shots from the brass knucks!! The University Arena boos and jeers)
Phil Blauer: Carpenter opens up some old cuts and starts some new ones with The 187 Pummeling!
Guillermo O'Bannon: Andrew Karnage is a bloody mess, and Carpenter pulls him up by his now pink stained hair. He irish whips him into the turnbuckles, and follows him in with a stinger splash but Karnage is waiting for him with the Nightmare Lariot!!!
(Carpenter is flipped upside down, and the fans nearly blow off the roof with a monster pop!! A bloody Karnage limps over to Carpenter and back suplexes him up & over into a release orange crush bomb)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Karnage follows up The Nightmare Lariot with The Karnage Crush Bomb!!!
Referee Ron Reid: 1...2...3!!!
(The fans leap to their feet and cheer, and Ron Reid raises a limping, bloody Andrew Karnage's arm in victory)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Carpenter tenderized Karnage's face & ribs with those brass knuckles, but Karnage had his number with The Nightmare Lariot.
"Wild" Bill Kasal: "At 22 minutes 7 seconds; THE WINNER OF THE MATCH...ANDREW KARNAGE!!!"
(A bloody Karnage needs help from the ring from Ron Reid and Mike Peters. Kilroy Evans meets them halfway in the aisle, and helps his limping partner back to the locker room)
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May 05, 2005#8
(The Shootfighter is working out on both the heavy and speed bags throwing all kinds of kicks, punches and knees as he prepares for his six-man title match with Tony Thunder, Bruno and Stan "The Tank" Wilson. He is wearing his black knee length wrestling tights and black boots his chest length black hair is matted to his face and back.)
The Shootfighter: "You know Triple B the only thing I can agree with you is the part involving the originality! Scary isn't it?! The Kliq came from the 90's during WWF's pre-DX Days!"
(The Shootfighter delivers some kicks to the heavy bag then to the overhead speed bag.)
The Shootfighter: "So the opposition looks like it doesn't take anything seriously when it comes to the six-man title match! Don't think I'm going to be lulled into thinking you aren't going to be prepared! I know you'll be prepared!"
(The Shootfighter grabs the heavy bag and delivers a non stop series of knees to it.)
The Shootfighter: "I noticed that lately Bruno has been going all hypnotic like Batista did when he looked at now former champion HHH's title! Then saying he is going to take the six-man title! The problem is the key words are six-man and that means you're going to have to work together in order to defeat both the Warhammer Corp. and myself in order to take the titles! Can you actually do that without coming apart because all three of you may want this share of the title?!"
(He delivers a series of backfists to the heavy bag.)
The Shootfighter: "Is the six-man title your actual goal or is it my title you want?!
Which one of you shall be the selfish one to deprive the others of the six-man title
victory?! You don't know that do you?! We'll find out in Albuquerque, NM! It all comes down to this series of questions that you have to ask yourselves! Can you do it! Can you work together or will you be working as individuals!"
(The Shootfighter quickly starts using the overhead speed bag.)
The Shootfighter: "I don't expect you to be divided! I know you are going to act like you're being selfish but in reality it's going to be you acting in unison for only that one ultimate goal and that's the six-man titles! You know why I don't show any of the titles?! Because I'm not arrogant and I'm certainly not the one to brag about titles! I'm still the same Shootfighter that came to Hardkore World and I'll still remain that way forever!"
(He stops and looks at the camera.)
The Shootfighter: "You see I still have that same hate, rage and fury that burns like an uncontrollable forest fire! I still am like a hungry predator willing to kill more prey to feed it's hunger! That's just the way I am and that's just how I'll still be! Predict all you want and shove away everyone who asks you who is going to win! Come this six-man match you shall feel the three most formidable champions! Two of the most dangerous men in the formidable and established groups around The Warhammer Corp. Then you have me The Shootfighter! One of the most dangerous men and one of the most intense individuals around! The three of us don't care who we hurt as long as we come out on top! We won these titles in one of the bloodiest and most violent battles and we intend to retain these titles in the same way!"
(He yells a terrifying Kai and throws a very hard stiff kick that destroys the heavy bag and then delivers a high snapping kick to the overhead speed bag destroying it. He slowly turns his head back to the camera.)
The Shootfighter: "You see blood and pain is going to flow and be unleashed in great amounts come this match! Pain and blood that you have never seen or felt shall ever be felt ever! You or both of us shall feel the agony but only one team shall come out on top! Prepare for the true pain that shall be wrought upon your bodies! Prepare for the rage, hate and fury of myself as well as the full power that is the Warhammer Corp! Prepare for Mortal Kombat!"
(The scene fades to black.)
**commericial**
Adrian Faust: I was lost. I didn't know where I was going in life. My title, the glory was gone, so was my woman and her pet wolf, then I saw a commercial for ITT and it changed my life.
Announcer: College isn't for everyone, for the rest of us there's ITT. Get a start on your life now, before it's too late.
Adrian Faust: I tried the wrestling thing, even did the rock band thing for awhile. It was right for me. It might be right for you.
Announcer: When you get tired of hearing it from your old lady try ITT. We're better then the Army.
Adrian Faust: When I moved out of my mom's house she asked me where her son was and what I did with him and if I see him could I tell him to get his lazy ass out of her house. Sometimes she's not all there. I work on computers, and you can too. Call the number on your screen and ask yourself if you're ready to grow up.
**commercial**
Guillermo O'Bannon: ...seriously, guess.
Phil Blauer: Sleeping with another wrestler's girlfriend and getting him fired for it?
Guillermo O'Bannon: Nope, guess again. What's the most cliche thing in wrestling today?
[The arena lights cut out completely. Over the PA comes a chant from the Muhammed Ali movie accompanied by a war drum beat.]
Guillermo O'Bannon: I love that chant. It reminds me of a Paul Simon song. You know, from the 80's when he was hanging with Chevy Chase and all those black guys.
Phil Blauer: He made it cool for white guys to hang with black guys. Before him it was unheard of. Because it was taboo me and Jimmy Walker never got to realize a friendship that could've changed both our lives.
[Intelligent white lights bounce along to the chant itself. As this happens, six young men dressed in in black t-shirts and grey athletic pants walk into the arena and roll a red carpet down the aisle, all the way to the ring.]
#THE CHAMP IS HERE
#THE CHAMP IS HERE
#THE CHAMP IS HERE
#THE CHAMP IS HERE.
Guillermo O'Bannon: 6 young men? Something tells me Yolanda might have a word or two for the viewers at home.
Yolanda Ando: Sorry, Guillermo. I've sworn off men since I married that student I molested when I used to teach. I've been out of prison two years and he's all growed up now.
Phil Blauer: A co-worker got married and nobody invited Blau-Dog?
Yolanda Ando: Well, it was a small ceremony.
former prowrestling.com internet Matt Boone: Yeah, there was barely 500 people there.
Guillermo O'Bannon: And a lot of people have elephants at their wedding.
Phil Blauer: You were invited to the wedding and I wasn't?
Guillermo O'Bannon: Actually, I was at the courthouse to lift a warrent when I bumped into Yo in the hallway. That's the only reason I heard of it. Besides, last time you kinda made an ass of yourself at Evan Valentine's holy communion.
Phil Blauer: What do you mean? I had that place rockin!
Yolanda Ando: You groped Sexy Anj's ass, and wouldn't give the priest the microphone back.
Phil Blauer: I had some things on my mind.
former prowrestling.com internet Matt Boone: Plus you punched one of the alter boys.
Phil Blauer: He was hornin in on my chick.
[The chant stops completely, as do the intelligent lights. The carpet rollers line the aisles as "Personal Jesus" by Depeche Mode begins to play.]
#REACH OUT AND TOUCH FAITH
Guillermo O'Bannon: I didn't dance to it at Yolanda and Pak Cho's wedding and I won't dance to it here.
[Out of the curtain first is "The Voice of Pro Wrestling" Paul Mannetti, dressed in a sharp suit. Behind him comes the cornermen, Jinn Blaze, Michael Maxwell, Bludd, Tatsuya Arakawa, and Joe Charleston, clad in grey and black velour sweatsuits with "REVIVE STRONG STYLE" written on the back. Blaze, Bludd, and Charleston all carry large towels while Arakawa & Maxwell sport a can of cold spray and a bucket of ice respectively. They begin to make their way down the aisle, past the carpet rollers.]
#Your own personal Jesus
#Someone to hear your prayers
#Someone who cares
#Your own personal Jesus
#Someone to hear your prayers
#Someone who's there
Phil Blauer: Only one man scrolls lyrics like this!
former prowrestling.com internet reporter Matt Boone: Cyrus Williams recently returned to Hardkore World. Word backstage is he was humbled by his time at the car wash and is ready to work with Jonnie again. Of course, word at Hardkore Towers is nobody actually works WITH Jonnie, you work FOR him.
[Next comes Tom Lux, power broker and agent, dressed in an even sharper suit than Mannetti. Black coat, red shirt, black tie. Next to him was the hired help from Cyrus' training session, "Commander" Cody Young, clad in a moth eaten army uniform, waving a Canadian flag and carrying a Mormon bible. Both men He follow cornermen. Suddenly, a large shower of grey pyros come down from the ceiling as the first verse begins.]
#Feeling unknown when you're all alone
#Flesh and bone by the telephone
#Pick up the receiver I'll make you a believer
#Take second best, put me to the test
#Things on your chest you need to confess
#I will deliver, you know I'm a forgiver
[Finally, Cyrus Williams steps out into the arena, through the pyros. He wears a long black and grey ring robe with a hood, which he flips up once he's completely out in the arena.]
#REACH OUT AND TOUCH FAITH
#REACH OUT AND TOUCH FAITH
[Trash begins to get hurled at Cyrus as he walks down the aisle, his cocky smile never fading from his face.]
#Your own personal Jesus
#Someone to hear your prayers
#Someone who cares
#Your own personal Jesus
#Someone to hear your prayers
#Someone who's there
[Cyrus makes it to the ring as the song breaks down. He climbs the ring steps as he steps in, with Lux, Mannetti, Commander Cody, and the cornermen following him. When he enters the ring, Cyrus goes to the center of the ring and does a victory pose, with his entourage doing it's best to deflect the garbage being pelted at him.]
#REACH OUT AND TOUCH FAITH
[Tom Lux hands Paul Mannetti a microphone as Cyrus' grandiose ring introduction begins.]
Paul Mannetti: "Ladies and gentlemen, stray mexicans, and everyone who considers the city of Alberquerque to be a silly name, it is now time for your rightful MAIN EVENT. After this match, you will be asked to exit the building in a timely fashion before we shoot you with tranquilizers and toss you off a bridge in a fleet of dump trucks."
Phil Blauer: Those boos are big.
Paul Mannetti: "For those of you not in the know, Cyrus Williams and Cyrus Williams Inc. are not exactly taking this match with the strapping young Canadian lad Nick Knight very seriously. In fact, I decided that he was so unimportant, I wouldn't even construct a personalized ring introduction for him. So Cyrus has decided to make himself a list of things he could be doing right now instead of wrestling Nick Knight."
Phil Blauer: Look at Manetti, running off at the mouth like some guy who likes to talk alot. What do you call them?
Guillermo O'Bannon: Anchormen?
[Mannetti pulls a large scroll out of his suit jacket.]
Paul Mannetti: "Ahem. Instead of wrestling Nick Knight, Cyrus could be baking a cake, watching Good Eats with Alton Brown, popping a sick 360 heelflip on his skateboard, playing Fire Pro D on the criminally underrated gaming system Sega Dreamcast, downloading porn, downloading MP3s, downloading bomb making blueprints, downloading illegal software, downloading your credit card information, going for a light jog, drinking lemonade, doing cocaine, doing heroin, doing ecstasy, doing your mom, doing your sister, doing your aunt, doing your taxes, doing his taxes, doing the Dew, shooting fire out of his hands, schmoozing with celebutantes, flying a corporate jet, brushing his hair, auctioning slaves, installing an alarm system at his home, watching the latest episode of the L Word that he TIVO'd, breaking the Masterlock, solving the mystery of time and space, discovering the truth to the Kennedy assasination...."
Guillermo O'Bannon: Cyrus skateboards?
Phil Blauer: And shoots flames from his ass!
Guillermo O'Bannon: Fingers.
Phil Blauer: I guess there too.
[Mannetti starts to cough a bit. Always helpfully, Commander Cody allows him to cough into the Canadian flag. Paul takes a drink of water.]
Paul Mannetti: "Whew. Thank you. Shopping at the mall, shopping on Rodeo Drive, shoplifting, price adjusting, bitching about HHH, running over fellow wrestlers' pets with a garbage truck, eating out, eating out a woman, eating out a peach, sleeping with the fishes, de-masking El Santo, practicing many world religions, taking a relaxing shit, swimming in a pool filled with money, laying carpet, laying down to regain his chi, laying down some phat beats, attending a political rally, jumping the border. Actually, I think that only applies to the people in New Mexico, champ."
[Cyrus shrugs his shoulders and agrees. The crowd doesn't really appreciate it.]
Paul Mannetti: "Waste management, getting wasted, getting wasted with Tammy Lynn Sytch, peeling an orange, stealing cable, visiting the graves of numerous dead rock stars, buying a new fedora, buying a new suit, buying bootleg DVDs of XXX 2: State of the Union, rock climbing, rock polishing, rock tumbling, rock 'n roll, accepting an award, apartment wrestling, creating a flash animation, curing cancer, AIDS, Marberg, and Ebola, disarming you with a smile, shaking down to 1979, smashing pumpkins, going our seperate ways, not stopping believing, doing things any way he wants it, doing it faithfully, doing it like Steve Perry, running to the hills, making his aces high, reckoning the number of the beast, invading, living in these wasted years, grieving with the parents of Terri Schiavo, kickin' it with Pope Benedict XVI, kickin' the bucket, buying the farm, clerkin', jerkin', workin', laughing at the term "merkin", traveling in time, smoking cloves, naming the moon, naming his new horse, surfboarding, wakeboarding, boarding up a window, writing a novella, writing a poem, writing a last will and testament, visiting his parents, visiting Disney World, visiting Kilroy Evans' house for beers, visiting the Hardkore World offices for his royalty checks, pooping on Nick Knight's bag."
[Mannetti raises his eyebrow at that one.]
Paul Mannetti: Didn't we already do that today?
[Cyrus just says "Oops."]
Paul Mannetti: "Taking Mad Dog Vachon's fake leg, playing Poker because it's trendy, mopery, dopery, popery, killing the sex player, alphabetizing his CD collection, doing shots of Jagermeister at your local frat house, and last but not least......causing nuclear winter."
Guillermo O'Bannon: I've got a list of things I could be doing besides listening to this list.
Phil Blauer: Like what?
Guillermo O'Bannon: Well...Watching TV. That and reading the TV guide.
Phil Blauer: TV Guide? Why don't you just learn sandscrit or get into ska? TV Guide is for homeless people with no digital cable.
[Mannetti pauses, takes a deep breath, and continues.]
Paul Mannetti: "Ladies and gentlemen, he hails from Palm Springs,CA by way of Chicago, IL, by way of Providence, RI with summer homes on Montauk, NY and Martha's Vineyard, MA. He stands six foot two inches tall and weighs two hundred and forty-eight pounds, and is YOUR current, reigning, and defending HARDKORE WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION...........here is YOUR PERSONAL JESUS......CYRUS WILLIAMS!"
[The ring seconds toss in grey and black streamers as Cyrus takes off his robe and hands it off to his entourage.]
Guillermo O'Bannon: Who's gonna clean up this mess?
(Guillermo and Phil look at Ron De La O)
Ron De La O: Fuuuuuuck Yoooooouuuuu, Maaaaaannnnn!
Phil Blauer: We'll get Yolanda to do it, she's a woman. Or Boone, he's almost one.
former prowrestling.com internet reporter Matt Boone: Why must you make me regret telling you about my one testical?
("Warrior Part 2" by Eminem/Lloyd Banks/Nate Dogg/50 Cent fills the arena. There's a mild pop from the seasons last snow birds.)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Wild Bill Kasal is asking Paul Mannetti if he can borrow his microphone. Mannetti refuses! Bill now begging, pleading with his fellow ring announcer. This is pathetic.
Phil Blauer: Where'd Kasal lose it this time? We tied a string to it for a reason, he should be wearing it around his neck.
Guillermo O'Bannon: It gets in the way when he pees.
(White and red lasers hit the arena while a maple leaf is shown on the Hardkore Tron followed by the words "Your", "Canadian", "Hero".)
Phil Blauer: I don't know about this Nick Knight guy. I don't trust him. He's a little TOO polite.
Guillermo O'Bannon: He's Canadian, it's an affliction with his people. It's like their thing with Anne Murray and mayonaisse.
(A big water mark of a maple leaf is cast upon the ramp and Nick Knight slowly makes his way to the ring waving a big Canadian Flag in his hand.)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Wrestling needs more flag wavers. I'm talkin' to you I. Ron Sheik.
(Knight gets in the ring and perches the middle rope while placing his right hand on his chest and screaming "Oh Canada".)
Guillermo O'Bannon: A smattering of fans answering back his salute with a salute of their own.
Phil Blauer: Did you know the middle finger used to be a term of endearment? I read it on a bottle cap.
(Nick Knight now asking Paul Mannetti on behalf of "Wild" Bill Kasal for the use of his microphone. Mannetti refuses yet again. "(I'm A) Sexy Boy" by The Jimmy Hart Experience featuring Shawn Micheals bumps through the arena. "Hardkore" Jonnie Valentine steps through the curtain wearing a suit. He removes his wrap-around shades and throws them into the crowd. Security quickly gets them back from the lucky fan.)
"Hardkore" Jonnie Valentine: "Is it me or are they doing our title tournament on Raw, only gaying it up?"
Phil Blauer: It's definately not you, sir.
"Hardkore" Jonnie Valentine: "Bill, you leave this mic in the bathroom again and we'll start pinning it to your shirt. Now, let's take one step closer to naming an undisputed champion of the world!"
(Mike Peters calls for the bell. The ring clears and Nick Knight buries Williams under a flurry of chops.)
Guillermo O'Bannon: This match is another match in the Hardkore World Title Tournament. This thing is really starting to take shape.
Phil Blauer: Yes, a shapely tournament it is.
Guillermo O'Bannon: Cyrus fighting through the chops, grabbing Knight's head with both hands. Knee strike! Another! Using his upper body strength Williams is battering Nick Knight's face into his knee!
(Williams drives Knight's face into his knee again, dropping him to his knees, but not letting go of his head.)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Williams brutalizing the young Canadian. He brings his knee, from way back this time, and again strikes Knight across the bridge of his nose.
Phil Blauer: Looks like he just turned on the blood faucet. I hope someone's reading the meter.
(Williams drops Knight's head to the mat as blood begins to poor from his broken nose. Cyrus holds Nick Knight's face down and drags him facefirst across the mat)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Cy drops a knee across the top of Knight's head.
Phil Blauer: Knight obviously having trouble bleeding.
Guillermo O'Bannon: Bleeding?
Phil Blauer: (looks at Guillermo) Yeah, he's bleeding. I can see that.
Guillermo O'Bannon: You said Knight was having trouble bleeding.
Phil Blauer: No I didn't, I said breathing. He's having trouble breathing because he has no trouble bleeding. Why would I say bleeding? He obviously isn't having any trouble bleeding, his nose is broken.
(Williams drops another knee)
Guillermo O'Bannon: It may not be broken.
Phil Blauer: If Vince McMahon can call every slipped disk a broken neck I can call every bloody nose broken.
Guillermo O'Bannon: Agreed. Williams pulls Knight up by a fist full of hair and irish whips him into the corner. He follows with a roaring elbow!
Phil Blauer: Sucks to be Nick Knight right now. Not only is your country getting it's ass kicked by terrorists because you refuse to take the fight to them, but now you're getting your ass kicked by Hunglestein's cousin.
Guillermo O'Bannon: Williams and Hunglestien are related?
Phil Blauer: Boone, hip this [Nah, Bro.
former prowrestling.con internet reporter Matt Boone: I haven't found any evidence that they AREN'T related.
Guillermo O'Bannon: Have you looked?
former prowrestling.con internet reporter Matt Boone: I asked my snitch.
Guillermo O'Bannon: Did you talk to anyone besides Judge Death?
Phil Blauer: That's good enough for me.
(Nick Knight reverses a suplex from Cyrus into a suplex into a powerbomb!! University Arena comes alive and cheers for Nick Knight. He tries to ignore his broken nose and feed off their energy)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Nick Knight making good use of his advantage and hits a belly to belly suplex. He continues with the power moves and hits a double arm underhook and turns it into a backbreaker!!
Referee Mike Peters: 1...(Cyrus Williams kicks out)
(Nick Knight hits a release flip german suplex which Williams no sells)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Cyrus Williams showing what kind of man he really is by refusing to sell the fake damage inflicted onto him by Nick Knight's fake kicks and punches.
Phil Blauer: That was a suplex, even I know that.
Guillermo O'Bannon: Williams gives him the exact same move, showing the youngster how to do it right.
Phil Blauer: I hope he was taking notes. You know, mental ones.
Guillermo O'Bannon: Williams with a stiff pop to Nick Knight's jaw, knocking a few teeth loose from those blood soaked gums.
Phil Blauer: Williams comes up behind Knight and locks on a Jujifruit! Jujifruit!
Guillermo O'Bannon: Phil, it's called a Jujigatame and Cyrus is raking his forearm against Knight's possibly broken nose.
Phil Blauer: Nick Knight screaming in pain! Cyrus doing work like he's Dr. 90210, only with the gay stigma of pro wrestling, not the gay stigma of E.
Guillermo O'Bannon: I don't know how long Knight can hang on. Williams is rubbing through cartilage. That's bone on bone. It's like a gay porno up in there.
Phil Blauer: Knight clawing and scratching his way to the ropes. He's not doing it alone. He's got the glory of the queen behind him.
Guillermo O'Bannon: I don't think they have a Queen, Phil. I believe their goverment is based around an omnipotent beaver and his moose disciples.
(The crowd roots Nick Knight on, until he is able to grab hold of the bottom rope. Mike Peters forces Cyrus to break the crippler crossface)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Williams whips Knight into the corner and follows him in, but Knight moves out of the way, steps back, and hits The Lance Connection!
(Knight lifts Williams up into a fireman's carry, then turns it into a neckbreaker over his knee)
Guillermo O'Bannon: The NK Bomb!! He hooks the leg...
Referee Mike Peters: 1...2...(Cyrus Williams kicks out)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Knight hooks Williams into a DDT, but Cyrus blocks it and backdrops Nick behind him.
Phil Blauer: Am I the only one to notice that Cyrus returned only after Hans and Adolph Schmutzhausen returned to Bavaria to operate their clock shop and train white tigers?
Matt Boone: I noticed.
Yolanda Ando: What's a Cyrus?
(Cyrus Williams with a high Roundhouse Kick to Knight's face, knocking him to his knees. He soaks in the boos for a little while from the Albuquerque fans. His crew of lackies cup their hands over their ears)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Williams again with a knee across Nick Knight's broken snot pump. He delivers a series of Kawada Kicks battering the young Canadian's face like eggs at a fat man's birthday party.
(Knight falls to the mat at the foot of the turnbuckle. Williams climbs to the top rope and hits a Top Rope Double Footstomp to Nick Knight's head.)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Williams definately in control, and seemingly making all the right moves since his return. His new management team making sure his priorities are straight.
Phil Blauer: No more Old Crow and late night porn binges for the man who claims to be world champ.
(Nick reverses an irish whip by Cyrus and sends him into the corner so hard he flips over into the tree of woe)
Guillemro O'Bannon: With one foot on little Cy, Knight places his hand on Williams' chest and screams "Oh Canada".
Phil Blauer: I had that exact same thing happen to me at a strip bar in Toronto, only I wasn't upside down.
Yolanda Ando: Really, me too.
Guillermo O'Bannon: Knight hits a reverse tornado DDT off the top rope!
Referee Mike Peters: 1...2...(Commander Cody pulls Nick off Williams)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Nick Knight is furious. He's chasing Cody Young around the ring and when he gets his hands on him he'll do the kind of dam-
BAM!
Guillermo O'Bannon: Knight, his vision probably blurred from the damage done to his nose, walked right into a boot from his personal Jesus.
Phil Blauer: That homeless guy just got that tourist with a Release Half Nelson Suplex.
Guillermo O'Bannon: Cyrus ties Nick Knight up in an Indian Deathlock, then faces forward and grabs his arms. Williams raises his boot to Knight's head, and violently stomps downward! Cyrus Williams may very well be a much more violent man since he's returned.
Yolanda Ando: Nick Knight's lips and nose looks like my woman's area.
Phil Blauer: You mean bloody, puss covered, and sore?
Yolanda Ando: I meant clean shaven, but that too.
Guillermo O'Bannon: Tombstone Piledriver bouncing the kid's head off the canvas like a golf ball.
(Cyrus climbs to the top rope. Nick Knight, using all his strength to stand, falls into the ropes, shaking them, and crotching Cyrus on the top turnbuckle)
Guillermo O'Bannon: The fans are on their feet! Knight slowly walks to the corner where Williams is massaging his gumdrops.
Phil Blauer: The pain must be unbearable, as must be the pleasure.
Guillermo O'Bannon: Knight hits a Super Back Suplex!!
Referee Mike Peters: 1...2...(Cyrus Williams rolls his shoulder up)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Both men up slowly...Cyrus walks into a spinebuster! Knight hooks the leg!
Referee Mike Peters: 1...2...(Cyrus Williams kicks out)
(Both men get back to their feet and Cyrus ducks under a punch from Knight)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Cyrus hits a backdrop driver! He goes for a release dragon suplex, but Nick flips behind him Canadian style and lands on his feet.
(Knight hits a neckbreaker, and the fans pop huge)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Maple Leaf Cutter!!! Maple Leaf Cutter!!! A move named by one mister Robert Heenan. He said he would've named it the Diamond Cutter, but that infringed on a name he gave a move some years back.
Phil Blauer: According to my prompter that's the setup to his finisher, the Canadian Maple Leaf!
Guillermo O'Bannon: He locks it on!!! This Liontamer is a tribute to one of Nick's heroes, Lance Storm. Interestingly enough, it's Chris Jericho's old finisher.
Phil Blauer: Wouldn't it be funny if he loved Canada, but got everything wrong? Like maybe saying he liked Jim Carrey in "Wagons East".
Yolanda Ando: Or maybe he thought Canadian bacon was another name for the penis.
Guillermo O'Bannon: Cyrus Williams using all the strength God gave him, as well as some he got from the devil for sellin his soul, to power out of the most terrifying submission move north of the 49th parallel.
Phil Blauer: Knight with a roundhouse kick.
(The crowd is on their feet, but Cyrus reverses an irish whip and shoots Nick into the turnbuckles)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Williams raking his boot across his opponent’s face. He runs to the ropes opposite the corner, bounces off, and obliterates YOUR Canadian hero with a hard running kick. He calls that move the Facewash.
Phil Blauer: Williams hasn't had a facewash since the 90's. He's got crust on his lips from the Clinton administration.
Guillermo O'Bannon: Williams lifts Knight up...Vertical Drop Brainbuster on his Knee!! Cyrus Williams just hit his Christopher Reeve Driver!! This match is over!!!
Referee Mike Peters: 1...2...thr...(Nick Knight kicks out. The crowd pops.)
Guillermo O'Bannon: The frustration showing on the face of Cyrus Williams. He waits patiently for Knight to sit up, then bounces off the ropes and connects with a soccer kick exploding the poor man's nose yet again!
(Cyrus goes for The Blackout but Knight falls behind him and hits an Orton style modified backbreaker)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Nick Knight springboards off the top rope catching Cyrus with an Acrobatic Clothesline. He hits his Canadian Diamond Dust!!!
Phil Blauer: It's like a regular Diamond Dust, only they tax the shit out of it.
(Nick Knight sets Williams up for his Knighthood Stripped but Cyrus blocks it and counters with a rock bottom)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Blackout!!! Blackout!!! Blackout!!!
Referee Mike Peters: 1...2...3!!!
("Personal Jesus" by Marilyn Manson plays as The University Arena rocks with boos)
"Wild" Bill Kasal: "At 15 minutes 7 seconds; THE WINNER OF THE MATCH; ADVANCING TO THE SEMI-FINALS OF THE HARDKORE WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP TITLE TOURNAMENT...CYRUS WILLIAMS!!!"
Guillermo O'Bannon: Cyrus Williams advances in a tournament he claims shouldn't even be needed. Without a doubt he's got to be the favorite heading into semi's next month in San Diego!!
(Fade from Tom Lux's X to The Shootfighter in his lockerroom sitting on one of the bench seats as a Hardkore World Cameraman enters. He still doesn't notice the camera and doesn't care. He is wearing his black knee length wrestling tights, bloack wrestling boots black sharp steel studded forearm pads and he is wearing his black tight robe with a fierce red dragon on the back. The Shootfighter's long chest length dark hair is tied in a ponytail. The Shootfighter slowly looks up into the camera with his trademark hate, rage and fury on his face.)
The Shootfighter: "Everyone said that The Shootfighter was some broken down wrestler who just
comes back only to lose match after match! Everyone thinks that The Shootfighter should have called it a career! Do I listen?! No! You see I don't listen too well to those who think they are know it alls! I don't care what they say or think! The only thing they react to afterwards is the pain and blood that I deal out and spill!"
(The Shootfighter gets up from his bench.)
The Shootfighter: "I paid my dues and it finally paid off! I am one third of the six-man champions and current West Coast Champion! I wonder where all those so-called doubters are now?! They better not come near me to congradulate me and try to make me feel better which won't happen anyway! If they try they will see why The Shootfighter isn't very happy when it
comes to those suck ups! Now look at my waiste!"
(The cameraman pans down to The hootfighter's waiste)
The Shootfighter: "You notice there isn't a West Coast Title around my waiste?! (The cameraman nods) What is that belt?! The Hardkore Six-Man Title belt is the only one there at the moment! You see I won't carry my West Coast Title around my waiste until I have a title defense and when I do that is only when I'll defend it!"
(The cameraman pans back up to The Shootfighter's face.)
The Shootfighter: "Tonight The Warhammer Corp. and I defend the six-man titles against a very formidable team! That team of Stan "The Tank" Wilson, Tony Thunder and Bruno! Thre of the toughtest competitors in Hardkore America! I teamed with one and wrestled another but one I haven't faced! You probably know what I'm talking about!"
(The cameraman just shrugs puzzled. The Shootfighter's looks become more angrier.)
The Shootfighter: "You don't do you?! You must be new or too stupid to know your Hardkore World history! When I returned which shall be one year coming up that I teamed with Stan "The Tank" Wilson which also included Bobby Nowa and myself! The result was a first round loss in the six-man tournanemt! Interesting isn't it!"
(The cameraman nods yes.)
The Shootfighter: "I thought you would think that! You must be one of Phil Blauer's journalism students, since he knows nothing either! However, be lucky I'm going to take all my aggression out on my opponents tonight! Tony Thunder is one of the toughtest opponents I fought in Hardkore America! He's daring and not afraid to put his body on the line! I wouldn't be surprised if he puts on a bungee cord in order to keep from falling off the scaffold! Thus keeping his team from losing the match!"
(The cameraman shrugs.)
The Shootfighter: "Then there is Bruno! He's tall and tough as they could come! I'm respectful of him because of the fact that we came from the same material! The same School of Hard Knocks! The Old School way of training and not those flashy schools where you just develop some stupid gimmick only to burn out like a candle never to be lit again! The two of us paid our dues and earned our right! Not like everyone else! However, I like my opponents tall and
tough as well so I know I'm going to be able to see who is the better man!"
(The cameraman nods yes.)
The Shootfighter: "Don't think I'm afraid of a scaffold, since I'm not afraid of any match! I've
been practicing on a scaffold five to ten stories and beyond preparing for this match! You think I won't be ready?! I shall be ready and The Warhammer Corp. and I are going to be ready for this match! We aren't looking ahead in this match or any match for that matter! That's not us! We've been around for quite awhile! The Warhammer Corp. was around longer than I was but we've been through a lot! Don't think a scaffold match is any different! The tougher the match the better it is to prove how good you really are!"
(The cameraman nods yes.)
The Shootfighter: "Some would wonder if we are ready?! I say we are! Some wonder if our opponents are?! I think they are! However, the wild card is whether they want to turn this into a handicap match with Wilson, Thunder and Bruno against The Shootfighter knowing if one of them pins me they shoot ahead of the line to face me! Imagine that possibility! The person who does this won't be just happy with a six-man title but would want a West Coast Title Shot!"
(The cameraman shrugs.)
The Shootfighter: "Then again I have no intention of looking ahead until this match is over! Like I always say never look ahead into the future unless you get past the present! I never look ahead of the future! The reason it makes you lose focus and I have no intention of losing focus in this match! I am focused on this match! I am ready for this match! I am always ready for my matches! So Wilson, Thunder and Bruno prepare for the longest and most painful night in your lives! Prepare for the ultimate pain that's going to result after this match is over! Prepare for Mortal Kombat!"
(Fade out to Guillermo & Phil)
Guillermo O’Bannon: What ya got goin on there, Phil?
Phil Blauer: (holds up his tattooed wrist) It’s a Henna bracelet.
Guillermo O’Bannon: That washes off right?
Phil Blauer: Yup.
Guillermo O’Bannon: I thought girls just got those?
Phil Blauer: Nah, I get em all the time.
Guillermo O’Bannon: In the barbed wire battle royal in Palm Springs, eleven men battled for over an hour before it was down to “The Punisher” Dan Stein and Syberus. They then ripped and tore at each other with that evil invention with “The Punisher” Dan Stein coming out the winner.
Phil Blauer: You wanna talk evil invention, what about mace? Suddenly every waitress is able to turn a request for a sojourn back to my room into agonizing pain and horrible overreaction on the restraunt’s staff’s part.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Sometimes listening to you is like Biz Markie. Hard to understand and time consuming.
(“This Celluloid Dream” by AFI plays and the audience boos. The Hardkore World Light Heavyweight Champion Syberus walks out with a cocky smile on his face. A fan holds up a sign that says “Syberus is the 60 Minute Man”)
Phil Blauer: Someone should be monitoring that kid.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus definately has shown his endurance these past few months with two hour long matches in Seattle and Palm Springs. The one where he bested the top cruiserweights in Hardkore World impressed me the most.
Phil Blauer: Hey, I did the same match. Where’s my props? You know everyone just skims for my lines anyway. Who’s got a classic Guillermo line in their sig? No one, that’s who!
Yolanda Ando: Syberus is looking good with that Hardkore World Light Heavyweight Title belt over his black vinyl-look shorts with a pattern of silver roses flowing down the outside of both legs.
Phil Blauer: (points to Guillermo) You know your set-ups have been for shit lately, and I was gonna let that slide! That’s what I get for being nice.
“Wild” Bill Kasal: “The following non-title match is scheduled for one fall with a 30 minute time limit. Your referee is Ron Reid. Featuring first from The Continent of Europe; Standing 6 feet even; Weighing 230 pounds; He is The Current HARDKORE WORLD LIGHT HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION...SYBERUS!!!”
(The audience boos and jeers, with some respectful applause mixed in. Syberus hands his title belt to Ron Reid for safekeeping. Then The University Area falls abruptly dark. Overhead, on the tron, 3 symbols flash in and fade out slowly to the sound of a heartbeat)
<ALPHA>
<OMEGA>
<The Punisher skull>
(Over the sound system, “More Human Than Human” by White Zombie is heard starting to play. As the skull fades out, the arena lights up again, and standing there is “The Punisher” Dan Stein, raising his Peacemaker in the air over his head to the New Mexico crowd’s approval. His manager, Domino, stands in front of Stein, and leads him to the ring area. Many fans crane over the railing trying to slap his hand)
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dan Stein says he stole Lucifer Jones’ mask just for shits and giggles. It’s like when you found out Vince was the Higher Power. Just, “Why bother?”
Phil Blauer: It would have been worth it if he really did shit in the mask.
(Stein gives Syberus an intense look, then deftly flips the Peacemaker halfway into his hand and gives Syberus a garish look while simulating a throat slash with the Peacemaker. Domino draws the admiration of the Albuquerque fans by blowing kisses to the crowd and waving to the masses. Stein quickly flips the Peacemaker into his hand and spins the club, to demonstrate his deftness with it. Domino dutifully helps him remove his black trenchcoat)
Yolanda Ando: Dan Stein wears a simple tight black t-shirt, and plain black shorts, with black leather wrestling boots. Stein also wears black leather gloves with the fingers specially ripped out.
“Wild” Bill Kasal: “And his opponent; accompanied to the ring by his manager, Domino!” (The University Arena hoots & whistles) “From Detroit, Michigan; Standing 6 feet 7 inches tall; Weighing 285 pounds...’THE PUNISHER’ DAN STEIN!!!”
(The crowd gives him a warm reception. Then suddenly “The Overweight Lover’s in the House” by Heavy D & The Boyz starts to play)
Phil Blauer: Guillermo, what’s your mother’s entrance music playing for? I don’t think either of these guys want your mom’s idea of a threeway dance.
(Hardkore Jonnie Valentine walks through the curtain with a microphone in his hand. He gets in the ring)
Hardkore Jonnie Valentine: “Syberus, Punisher. This match is gonna be a great one, I can feel it. The two of you have technical skills rarely seen in today’s rush-jobs in tights which is why I pay so handsomely.”
Phil Blauer: Rush-jobs in tights. Those are $60. The extra twenty is for her to shoot the crossbow in your ass and believe me it’s worth it.
(Jonnie walks over to Dan Stein. He looks at Domino’s tits, then stares right in Dan Stein’s eyes)
Hardkore Jonnie Valentine: “Stein, you’ve screwed up more than a few of the matches I’ve put together lately, running around in other people’s masks. So when Lucifer Jones snatched that rag off your head I bet you were wondering why I didn’t do what he asked me to do, and that is put you two in any kind of match I could imagine. (turns away from Dan Stein and to the paying fans in attendence) Which brings me to why I’m out here. We’re about to witness a classic match between two of the best scientific wrestlers we have. But what will make it even better is that it’s a second round match in the Hardkore World Heavyweight Title Tournament. The winner of this match will go on to face Cyrus Williams in the semi-finals in San Diego.”
(Albuquerque goes ballistic, and Stein and Syberus’s stares go from Jonnie to one another. Both men smile and nod. The lights in University Arena go down, and Domino & Bill Kasal exit the ring. Ron Reid signals for the bell)
Phil Blauer: This match just got a little more TiVo-able!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dan Stein rushes him but Syberus is ready with a punch to the stomach, followed by a knee to his gut. Syberus stands him up straight with an uppercut. Syberus goes for a forearm, but Stein blocks it with his. He counters with a heart punch.
(Dan Stein applies a full nelson and the New Mexico crowd cheers. Syberus cries out in great pain as Stein presses down hard on his neck)
Phil Blauer: Power, Experience, and the seven inches Stein has on Syberus are adding up to a painful memory of the Southwest for the Hardkore World Light Heavyweight Champion.
Guillermo O’Bannon: The strongman forces Syberus down to one knee and then bashes his knee into Syberus’ temple. He double underhooks Syberus’ arms and butterfly suplexes him across the ring!
(University Arena applauds the height that Syberus got launched. Dan Stein headlocks Syberus)
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Punisher goes for a running bulldog, but Syberus pushes him off chestfirst into the turnbuckles. He pushes Stein’s back against the turnbuckles and whacks him with a hard chop! Ouch, another! And another!
(The fans “Wooo” at each chop as Syberus whacks away. Syberus pulls The Punisher’s shirt up and gives him another hard chop to his bare chest. Stein drops to his knees)
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus cracks him in the temple with a sharp side kick. Syberus applies a keylock to his arm.
Phil Blauer: You’d wanna keep anyone 6 feet 7 inches on the mat below you. It’s a good rule of thumb.
Guillermo O'Bannon: This isn't the first time these two have tangled. They wrestled before Down Under in Ring Syndicate Australia, where it was the The Punisher using those strong arms to come out the winner. Syberus trying to take out one of them, to keep that from happening again.
(Stein reaches out for the ropes but their too far away. Syberus squeezes down on Dan’s arm. Dan scoops up Syberus with his free arm and lifts him up)
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dan Stein tosses Syberus across the ring with a fallaway slam! Stein rolls over Syberus up with a la majistral!
Referee Ron Reid: 1...(Syberus kicks out)
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dan Stein hammerlocks both of Syberus’ arms behind him and lifts him up into a double flying chicken wing!!
Phil Blauer: Shades of Ricky Steamboat and Jazz.
(Syberus screams in pain as the power of The Punisher makes two broken arms a very real thing. Domino pounds on the mat in excitement. The fans start chanting “BREAK IT!!! BREAK IT!!! BREAK IT!!! BREAK IT!!! BREAK IT!!!”)
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dan Stein finally tires and has to drop Syberus. Syberus reaches underneath him and pulls his leg out from under him. The former Thomas Haven then applies an armbar.
(Syberus plants his knee into the ball of Dan Stein’s shoulder and tugs back on his arm. Syberus blows a kiss and winks at Domino, and she turns away in disgust)
Guillermo O’Bannon: The taller Dan Stein works his way back up to his knees so Syberus gets behind him and locks on a double chicken wing.
Phil Blauer: Syberus targeting Stein’s steroid induced arms there. If he breaks both of them, Flex magazine cancels the shoot. Then in a roid rage you beat the motel manager to death when he tells you to turn the TV down. I speak from experience.
(Syberus yanks up on both of Dan Stein’s arms, and he shouts out in agony. Domino covers her mouth in horror. Syberus lets go of The Punisher’s wrists and stands up behind him. He wraps a standing leg scissors around Stein’s head. He grabs his arm and applies a judo figure four armlock with his hands, then drops down to the mat)
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus locks Stein’s arms and head up in St.George Double Hold! Syberus tries to squash The Punisher’s head like a melon while clamping down on the udi-garami on his arm.
(Stein stomps the backs of his heels into the mat in pain. Syberus clamps down on his arms, and Ron Reid checks in to see if he submits. Stein waves him off and Syberus releases the udi-garami. Stein is able to slip out of the head scissors and get behind him with a full nelson)
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dan Stein back to that full nelson, pushing down on Syberus’ neck with all of that awesome power.
Phil Blauer: Softening him up for those neckbreakers he’s known round the world for.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dan Stein lifts Syberus up and drives Syberus ass first into the canvas as hard as he can! Stein gut wrenches him and tosses him across the ring with the suplex!
(The fans are on their feet and Dan Stein is feeding off their energy. He grabs Syberus by the throat and lifts him up with both arms, choking the life out of him! The crowd pops and University Arena lights up like day with all the flashbulbs. Syberus turns red from lack of air)
Guillermo O’Bannon: Stein tosses Syberus into the corner from nearly the center of the ring! He scoops him up, and charges into the center of the ring with a powerslam! He hooks the leg!
Referee Ron Reid: 1...2...(Syberus kicks out)
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dan Stein hammerlocks Syberus’ arm and chicken wing suplexes him! He pulls him up for a suplex, but Syberus blocks it with his calf. He responds with a vertical suplex but drops it into a neckbreaker!!
Referee Ron Reid: 1...2...(Dan Stein kicks out)
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus hammerlocks his arm again. He stands over The Punisher and yanks up on his wrist. Syberus chicken winging that same arm that he was punishing earlier.
(Syberus half nelsons Dan Stein and he pushes him facedown on to the mat. He tugs up on Stein’s hammerlocked arm while smashing his face into the mat with the half nelson. Ron Reid checks in to see if Stein wants to tap out. Domino applauds, trying to pump Stein up)
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus pacifying The Punisher with The European Three-Quarter Nelson. He pulls Stein back up to his knees by his hammerlocked arm and releases the half nelson. He stands up behind Stein and locks in a dragon sleeper with one arm, stretching him back. With his other arm, he brings Stein’s opposite arm over his neck and pulls down with it.
(The Albuquerque fans jeer and boo Syberus as he pulls back on his head & arm. Stein’s screams of pain are muffled by Syberus’ arm as he yanks back on his hand and pulls down on his arm. Domino shouts out words of encouragement but their doing him no good)
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus pulls Stein up to his feet in the Chicken Wing Dragon Stretch. But Stein rolls it over into an inverted swinging neckbreaker!
(The fans come alive and cheer. Stein stands over Syberus and cranks his head to the side. Ron Reid checks in but Syberus waves him away. Stein tries to twist his head right off)
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dan Stein pulls Syberus up on to his shoulder with a hanging backbreaker! Syberus’ back is bent the wrong way, as Stein bounces up & down.
(The crowd applauds Syberus predictament. Stein drops to his knees and jams his shoulder into Syberus’ back! Dan Stein pulls Syberus up in a suplex and leaves him up there, showing off his strength. Domino walks up & down the apron, applauding. Flashbulbs go off around University Arena before The Punisher drops him)
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus fell from quite a height there. Stein hangs on to him and lifts him up into another hanging suplex, but Syberus falls behind him and runs him into the ropes. He rolls back into a backroll press!
Referee Ron Reid: 1...2...(Dan Stein pulls him down into a backroll press)
Referee Ron Reid: 1...2...(Syberus kicks out)
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus hits the ropes and pins him with a lou thez press!
Referee Ron Reid: 1...2...(Dan Stein gets his shoulder up)
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus applies another udi-garami to Dan Stein’s aching arm. He has specificially targeted his left shoulder for some reason.
Phil Blauer: Is Dan Stein left handed?
Guillermo O’Bannon: I never thought to ask.
(Syberus clamps down on Stein’s twisted arm and he shouts out in agony. Ron Reid tries to convince him to submit, while Domino screams at him to shut up)
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus releases the udi-garami and pulls Stein up to his feet. He irish whips him into the turnbuckles, Stein staggers out, and he dips down for a backdrop. Stein whips him around with a corkscrew neckbreaker!
(The fans applaud. Dan Stein shakes his arm a little. He scoops Syberus up, then drops him into a michinoku driver I)
Referee Ron Reid: 1...2...(Syberus kicks out)
Guillermo O’Bannon: Stein gives Syberus a Chinese Clutch, where he pinches Syberus’ throat. Syberus chops away to get himself free. Instead, Dan Stein presses Syberus over his head.
(Dan Stein’s left arm begins to tremble so he drops Syberus’ throat on the top rope! Syberus rolls around the mat, covering his throat, and coughing. Dan Stein climbs to the top rope)
“Wild” Bill Kasal: “Twenty Minutes Have Elapsed. 10 Minutes Remaining.”
Phil Blauer: Looks like The Punisher’s arm went out on him there, so he made the best of it.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus runs up the ropes to meet Stein halfway on the second turnbuckle. Superplex from the Hardkore World Light Heavyweight Champion!! He rolls on top of Stein in a pinning position!
Referee Ron Reid: 1...2...(Dan Stein kicks out)
(University Arena sighs with relief. Syberus pulls Dan Stein up and irish whips him into the ropes)
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus spinebusters Stein into the mat!! He rolls on top of Stein!
Referee Ron Reid: 1...2...(Dan Stein kicks out)
(Stein gets up on his knees but Syberus thumbs him in the eye. Syberus then slaps Dan Stein across his face! The audience gasps)
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Punisher is not gonna take that lying down, and charges him but Syberus flapjacks his face into the mat!
(University Arena boos. Syberus sits on his back and applies a full nelson. He wraps his legs around Stein’s waist and locks on a body scissors as well. He tries to squeeze all the air out of The Punisher’s body while pulling him back with that all too familiar full nelson)
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus shifts to the side and squeezes Stein’s stomach while maintaining that full nelson. Stein grabs hold of the ropes and Ron Reid forces a break.
(Syberus pulls Stein up but The Punisher hits him low. Stein smashes his face into the mat with an x factor! The Albuquerque fans cheer, while Dan loosens up his shoulder)
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dan Stein pulls Syberus up. He rolls him around and then drops him with a hangman’s neckbreaker!
(Syberus rolls around the mat, clutching the back of his neck. Stein and Domino both make a breaking gesture to the fans, getting a pop for that)
Phil Blauer: Stein striving to break the Englishman’s neck en route to going on to face Cyrus Williams in San Diego!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dan Stein pulls Syberus’ head into his legs and pulls him up on his shoulder. He drops Syberus’s back on the top rope to get some added height for a slingshot powerbomb!! He cradles the legs!
(The audience gives another loud cheer as Ron Reid slides into position)
Referee Ron Reid: 1...2...(Syberus gets his shoulder up)
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dan Stein sets him up for a russian legsweep, but Syberus blocks it and counters with a half nelson facebuster!
(New Mexico boos. Syberus waistlocks Stein and northern lights suplexes him)
Referee Ron Reid: 1...2...(Dan Stein rolls his shoulder up)
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus locks on another armbar, with his knee resting on the back of The Punisher’s head. He wrenches back on his arm, and Stein cries out in anguish.
(Domino pounds on the ring apron to get the audience clapping. Soon, University Arena is clapping faster & faster, trying to rouse Dan Stein. Syberus grinds his knee into Stein’s skull, and yanks on his softened up arm)
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus releases the armbar and pulls Stein up to his feet in a front facelock. Stein rolls it up into a one armed diamond cutter!!
“Wild” Bill Kasal: ”Twenty Five Minutes Have Elapsed. 5 Minutes Remaining.”
(Fans cheer, and Stein tries to shake some feeling into his arm. He uses his good arm to front facelock Syberus)
Guillermo O’Bannon: “The Punisher” Dan Stein DDTs Syberus!! No rest for the wicked as Stein inverted facelocks him and pulls him back up to his feet. He drops him in a reverse neckbreaker he calls Twilight Hammer!!
Referee Ron Reid: 1...2...(Syberus gets his shoulder up)
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dan Stein pulls him up into another inverted facelock...”The White Chapel Horror” Lucifer Jones runs down to the ring.
(The fans boo and threaten Lucifer Jones, who stops just short of entering the ring. He just sneers at Dan Stein. Stein looks right at him and then twists Syberus around into a test drive!! The crowd is deafening, as Stein drapes his arm over him)
Referee Ron Reid: 1...2...thr...(Syberus gets his shoulder up)
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dan Stein lifts Syberus with two hands, so that they are back to back, hanging by Syberus chin!
Phil Blauer: All that work The Punisher put in on Syberus’ neck is paying off right now!
(Lucifer Jones starts stalking Domino, and the cheers from Dan Stein applying The Final Solution turn to boos. Jones laughs as a scared Domino backpeddles around the ring area. Syberus cries out in pain as he hangs by his head & neck over Stein’s back & shoulder)
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dan Stein finally drops The Final Solution to go outside the ring and cut off Lucifer Jones from attacking Domino. Lucifer Jones suddenly wants no part of Domino or Dan Stein.
(Syberus rolls out of the ring and catches Stein from behind with a reverse DDT on The University Arena floor!! The crowd boos and Syberus rolls Stein into the ring. Syberus clutches the back of his neck as he enters the ring)
Guillermo O’Bannon: Dan Stein inside cradles Syberus upon entering the ring!
Referee Ron Reid: 1...2...(Syberus kicks out)
Guillermo O’Bannon: “The Punisher” Dan Stein presses Syberus high over his head!
(The crowd takes many pictures as a sweat drenched Syberus is pressed high in the air. Stein’s left arm begins trembling and he drops Syberus but Syberus drops in a diamond cutter)
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Highlight Cutter!!
Referee Ron Reid: 1...2...3!!!
(The audience boos as “This Celluloid Dream” by AFI plays. Syberus rolls out of the ring and collects his Hardkore World Light Heavyweight Title belt from the timekeeper’s table. He walks away, as some fans stand and applaud the match itself)
“Wild” Bill Kasal: “At 28 minutes 27 seconds; THE WINNER OF THE MATCH, ADVANCING TO THE SEMI-FINALS OF THE HARDKORE WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT TITLE TOURNAMENT...SYBERUS!!!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Syberus will now go back to California where at The Cox Arena, he’ll face two time Hardkore World Champion Cyrus Williams...Lucifer Jones inside the ring and laying the boots to Dan Stein! Stein has just wrestled close to a half hour, he’s nearly helpless!
(Lucifer Jones inverted facelocks Dan Stein and lifts him up high in the air. Jones then twists and drops him into a brainbuster)
Guillermo O’Bannon: Lucifer Jones driving The Punisher’s head into the mat with The Yankee Cracker!!
(Jones snarls at Domino, then walks out of the ring. The fans boo and toss garbage and debris at the departing White Chapel Horror)
***commercial***
COMING THIS JULY...
Hardkore World returns to the most violent town in the World. An area that has known bloodshed, racial hatred, and explosions far too well...and that's just when we blow in to town!
IRISH RAGE IN BELFAST
At Ulster Hall in Northern Ireland
This July, ask your local pay per view provider for details...
(Fade back up on Guillermo and Phil)
Guillermo O'Bannon: I can't wait to get back to Northern Ireland, Phil. I have something of a following over there. One could even call them "groupies".
Phil Blauer: One could even call them "men".
Guillermo O'Bannon: Coming up we have a match between Lonewolf McNeely and Lucifer Jones.
Phil Blauer: This is our first match in Hardkore History where a man from French Canada is wrestling a man from England. The French Canadians and England waged war once before in a little known battle known as the French & Indian War. It was in this battle that we learned of Canada's intolerance towards the Indians. First they made them wear feathers so they could be indentified. Then they kept them in concentration camps, and eventually used their slave labor to build the planes used to bomb our boys in Pearl Harbor. Fortunately we defeated them in the late 1980's to end slavery.
Guillermo O'Bannon: Sort of.
("In the Year of the Wolf" by Motorhead plays and the audience cheers. Rain leads Lonewolf McNeely down to the ring)
Phil Blauer: Rain, along with Domino & Judge Death; continuing a trend here lately of female managers.
Guillermo O'Bannon: Yet none of them will wrestle.
Phil Blauer: Hey, Miss Elizabeth never wrestled. That's what made her classy.
Guillermo O'Bannon: What about the booze and the pills?
Phil Blauer: That's what made her easy.
Guillermo O'Bannon: Lonewolf McNeely recently scored an impressive win over Kilroy Evans in Seattle.
Yolanda Ando: Lonewolf McNeely sporting some silver leather shorts with fangs on the rear, black boots with a wolf on the sides and black fringe hanging off the sides.
"Wild" Bill Kasal: "The following match is scheduled for one fall with a 30 minute time limit. Your referee is Mike Peters. Featuring first accompanied to the ring by his manager, Rain; From Montreal, Quebec, Canada; Standing 6 feet 4 inches tall; Weighing 250 pounds...LONEWOLF MCNEELY!!!"
(The crowd applauds as Rain gives him some last minute instructions. The lights turn a deep shade of blood red, and the sound of white noise blasts over the PA. "Homicidal" by Bad Luck 13 Riot Extravaganza plays and the fans boo, while a few smart marks applauded the oncoming Lucifer Jones. Jones comes out talking shit and berating whoever gets in his way. He walks out onto the entrance way with a small bottle of whiskey in his hands. He stares at Lonewolf in the ring, then downs it all at once. Jones throws it into the crowd, and the bottle smashes into some poor fan's head)
Guillermo O’Bannon: Lucifer Jones just hit local native american activist Michael Redfeather with that bottle of cheap whiskey!
Phil Blauer: I’m surprised Jonnie didn’t confiscate it in the gorilla position, “for safety reasons”.
Guillermo O'Bannon: Lucifer Jones looking VERY determined tonight, Phil, he's got a whole new look now. No more mohawk, snakeskin pants, and it looks like he's thrown away that filthy GG Allin t-shirt of his.
Phil Blauer: Determined? Disturbed is more like it.
(Lucifer Jones eyes the ring and smiles sadistically, his gold teeth bling blingin' under the lights, before running and sliding under the ropes where he cracks his neck a couple times and continues to run his mouth. He gets in Rain’s face, calling her a “tart” before Lonewolf McNeely gets between them)
Phil Blauer: Funny, it sounds but English, but not really. Maybe if we play it backwards.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Rain letting her bitch do her fighting for her. Lucifer Jones has had a traumatic few months, with someone running around in his dead father’s mask.
Phil Blauer: Dead? His father’s not dead, Guillermo. I just loaned Lucifer $400 for his father’s uterus surgery. He just told me before the match that the doctor’s say he’s gonna pull through.
Guillermo O’Bannon: That’s good to hear, Phil. At any rate, in Seattle, Lucifer Jones fought out of a sneak attack by Dan Stein and revealed him to be the culprit. They are reportedly in the works of having a leather strap match in the future.
Yolanda Ando: No leather straps here, Guillermo. But he does have on some snake skin leather pants tucked into a pair of well worn combat boots. He's shirtless and his ripped frame is covered in various tattoos, most notably "Pro-Pain" tattooed across his stomach and "HARD KORE" on his knuckles. His hair is buzzed tight to his skull and most of his teeth are capped with gold. A long nasty scar wraps around his throat.
Guillermo O’Bannon: He has a look and style almost identical to a Hardkore World legend, the three time Hardkore World Champion Matthew X. He held the Hardkore World title for nearly two years as The Masked Anarchist before being upset & unmasked at Hardkore Hall by “The Devil’s Son-in-Law” Quasimoto Jones. He subsequently won the title back in a rematch, but was stripped of the title and then fired after attacking promoter Russell Kansas and giving him that infamous barbed wire enema.
(The collective assholes of the entire nation simultaneously clench)
“Wild” Bill Kasal: “And his opponent, from White Chapel, England; Standing 6 feet 2 inches tall; Weighing 220 pounds... LUCIFER JONES!!!”
(University Arena boos and jeers, Lucifer Jones who is still screaming obscenities at Rain, who is outside the ring. Then "Stem" by DJ Shadow plays and Hardkore Jonnie Valentine walks out)
Phil Blauer: Jeez, this is his third appearence of the night. What’s he think, he works here?
Guillermo O’Bannon: He’s trying to sweeten the deal with The Surreal Life people. He doesn’t look good though. He seems really drunk, even for Jonnie’s standards.
Phil Blauer: Talk about sweetening the deal. He’s a shoe-in for that show now! That show loves washed up alcoholics like Micheal Vick loves skanks. Didn’t you drive Jonnie home once and he threw up in your backseat? Then he put your jacket over it to hide it?
Guillermo O’Bannon: No, you did that.
Phil Blauer: That Whopper was gross.
Hardkore Jonnie Valentine: “...so I guess your all wondering...” (trails off, so he can burp...again. OH, wait, one more) “What?”
Phil Blauer: (sniffs) Pastrami?
Hardkore Jonnie Valentine: “Round two!!”
Lonewolf & Lucifer: “What??”
Hardkore Jonnie Valentine: “What do I gotta spell it out for you? This match, it’s your second round match in the Hardkore Thingamabobber.”
Lucifer Jones: “’at’s good enough for me, then.”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Lucifer Jones slaps Lonewolf McNeely ! And this match is started, a second round match in the Hardkore World Heavyweight Title Tournament, I gather.
Phil Blauer: Nah, your way off. Jonnie just propositioned the two of em for gay sex. His mack vibe’s way off though.
Guillermo O’Bannon: I don’t know if Jonnie’s in the right condition to be making these kinds of decisions.
Phil Blauer: Are you kidding? Now is the time to strike! Right after this, I’m gonna ask him if I can get Hardkore Helloween 2005 off. I wanna spend Christmas in the Virgin Islands with my agent and his wife, Stella.
(Lucifer Jones spits in Lonewolf McNeely’s face. He wipes it off and turns beet red. He strikes Jones upside his chin with a palm strike)
Guillermo O’Bannon: Lucifer is backed up a few steps, then measures McNeely and levels him with a punch to the bridge of his nose. McNeely gets up to his hands and knees just in time for Jones to kick his face in off the ropes.
(Lonewolf McNeely catches another punch from Jones, and responds with a heart punch. McNeely pops him in the face with an elbow strike to his face, backing Lucifer into the corner)
Guillermo O’Bannon: Jones blocks a punch with his forearm and responds with a right hand! He swings McNeely into the corner and lays in to him with several punches, and this has been nothing but a fight thus far!
(Jones slaps McNeely so hard he falls to the mat in the corner. He then kicks him hard in the face. He pulls Lonewolf up and irish whips him into the ropes, tiltawhirl facefirst slamming him! The Albuquerque fans boo, and Lucifer Jones applies a wakigatame)
Guillermo O’Bannon: Lucifer Jones pulls up on Lonewolf McNeely’s whammybarred arm.
Phil Blauer: Mike Peters checking in but Lonewolf looks to be in good shape thus far, armwise.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Jones uses the wakigatame to pull McNeely up to his feet and lift him up in a cradle suplex. He drops in a fisherman’s buster instead!! Lucifer Jones applies a butterfly lock!
(Rain claps, trying to pump up her ex-husband. Lucifer Jones rocks back on Lucifer’s back, with his arms locked)
Guillermo O’Bannon: Lonewolf McNeely shaking his head, “No”, refusing to give up his spot in the Hardkore World Heavyweight Title Tournament. What ya making there, Phil?
Phil Blauer: It's a mother's day card for the Mom of the chick I'm seeing. I'm hoping it'll smooth things over after I sort of made a comment about her dog looking like something other dogs throw up.
Guillermo O'Bannon: Some people can be sensitive about the way their dog looks.
Phil Blauer: Well I think timing was the issue here, since I had just backed over it.
Guillermo O'Bannon: Lucifer Jones releases the butterfly and steps out of the ring to the apron. He waits for Lonewolf McNeely to get to his feet. Rain tries to warn him but Lucifer Jones comes off the middle of the top rope with a springboard DDT, but Lonewolf McNeely reverses it into a spinebuster!!
(The fans give Lonewolf McNeely a huge ovation! Lonewolf McNeely grabs Lucifer Jones by the throat and then drops him into a tigerbomb)
Referee Mike Peters: 1...(Lucifer Jones rolls his shoulder up)
Guillermo O’Bannon: Lonewolf McNeely scoops Jones up. He goes for a michinoku driver II but Lucifer inside cradles him, holding the second rope unbeknownst to Peters!!
Referee Mike Peters: 1...2...thre...(Lonewolf McNeely kicks out)
(Audience sighs with relief. Many thought it was over)
Guillermo O’Bannon: Lucifer Jones grabs McNeely by the legs and wheelbarrow german suplexes him with a bridge!!
Referee Mike Peters: 1...2...(Lonewolf McNeely rolls his shoulder up)
Guillermo O’Bannon: Lucifer Jones gets underneath his legs and lifts him up into an electric chair. He then drops backwards into a japanese ocean suplex!!
Referee Mike Peters: 1...2...(Lonewolf McNeely gets his shoulder up)
(Universty Arena applauds at all the close two counts. Lucifer Jones pulls him up into a waistlock. He backdrop drivers him but McNeely flips behind him on his feet. He punches Jones a few times and then floors him with a spinning discus punch! The fans cheer)
Guillermo O’Bannon: McNeely irish whips Lucifer Jones into the ropes and takes him out with a flying spinning kick!
(McNeely climbs to the top rope, and backflips into a shooting star press!! The Albuquerque fans applaud & whistle for that move. Peters slides into position)
Referee Mike Peters: 1...2...(Lucifer Jones kicks out)
Guillermo O’Bannon: McNeely waits for Jones to get up and then whacks him with a yakuza kick off the ropes! McNeely climbs to the top rope, but Jones catches him up there and tosses him off the turnbuckle so he gets crotched on the rope!
(University Arena groans in sympathy, while Jones’ eyes roll into the back of his head. Lucifer applies full nelson)
Guillermo O’Bannon: Lucifer Jones release dragon suplexes him on to the back of his head!!
Phil Blauer: He was folded quicker than an origami artist on speed.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Lucifer Jones pulls him over his head in a crucifix. He charges towards the ropes and razor’s edges him over the top into the steel guardrail!!!
Phil Blauer: Ugh!
(Audience roars at the sick bump, chanting “HARD-KORE WORLD!!! HARD-KORE WORLD!!! HARD-KORE WORLD!!! HARD-KORE WORLD!!! HARD-KORE WORLD!!!“ Lonewolf McNeely bleeds from the back of his neck, leaning against the railing. Lucifer Jones violently grabbs a beer bottle from a fat guy in a Bruno t-shirt)
Guillermo O’Bannon: The guy has his girlfriend with him, so he has to front.
Phil Blauer: Lucifer Jones does him a favor and pushes him to the floor before he hurts himself.
(The guy in the Bruno shirt’s girlfriend starts mouthing off to Lucifer Jones, and University Arena security wisely seperate the two. Lucifer Jones laughs at her and finishes the rest of her boyfriend’s beer)
Phil Blauer: They should put “Can’t Even Participate In A Sporting Event Without A Drink” on the AA checklist.
Guillermo O’Bannon: (clutches his beer to his chest) How dare you sir? HOW DARE YOU!! I say good day to you.
Phil Blauer: Guillermo...
Guillermo O’Bannon: I say GOOD DAY to you, sir!
(Lucifer Jones goes after McNeely who’s being tended to by Rain. Jones shoves her out of the way and clubs McNeely in the head with that beer bottle, but it doesn’t break. The fans wince at the sound of the glass bouncing off his skull)
Phil Blauer: Jones crashes that bottle against Lonewolf’s head and this time, luckily for McNeely, it broke.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Lucifer Jones slices that broken bottle across Lonewolf McNeely’s forehead! Blood gushes out from a large cut, courtesy of that razor sharp glass. Jones atomic drops Jones and crotches him into the cornerpost!
(The crowd boos, and McNeely german suplexes the back of his head into the guardrail!! Jones picks him up by the hair and rolls him back into the ring, but with his head hanging off the apron. Blood is really coming out from that cut on the back of his head, soaking his shoulders. Meanwhile the huge laceration on his forehead is working the front. Lucifer walks over to the security rail to grab a steel folding chair from the fat guy in the Bruno t-shirt’s girlfriend)
Phil Blauer: She’s never coming to one of these again. You can just tell.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Jones runs and tires to cave in Lonewolf’s skull with that chair, but McNeely helicopters around to avoid the chair. Jones hits nothing, and McNeely hops to the middle of the top rope. He backflips into an asai moonsault smacking him into the railing!!
(University Arena makes their biggest pop of the match! McNeely rolls him back into the ring, and picks up the chair that Lucifer introduced into the match. He climbs to the top turnbuckle, and then atomic arabian facebusters the chair into Jones face!! The crowd pops even louder and Mike Peters slides into position)
Referee Mike Peters: 1...2...thr- (Lucifer Jones kicks out)
Guillermo O’Bannon: A hideously bloody Lonewolf McNeely pulls Jones head into his legs and pulls him up on his shoulder. He runs into the center of the ring and ligerbombs him!!
Referee Mike Peters: 1...2...(Lucifer Jones rolls his shoulder up)
Guillermo O’Bannon: Lonewolf McNeely wipes some blood out of his eyes, and climbs to the top turnbuckle. He comes off with a corkscrew plancha!
(The fans applaud that move, and McNeely tries to see through all of his plasma. He irish whips Jones into the ropes and goes for a huracanrana but Jones reverses it into a jumping sitdown ganso bomb!! Albuquerque boos)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Lucifer Jones double underhooks McNeely's arms and lifts him up over his shoulder into a canadian backbreaker. He bends McNeely's back over his shoulder with his arm's butterflied behind him.
Phil Blauer: There, I'm all done with my card.
Guillermo O'Bannon: What does it say?
Phil Blauer: Well, I drew her dog on the front.
Guillermo O'Bannon: He's all smashed up, ew, he only has three legs.
Phil Blauer: Give the artiste a break, the only picture I had to work with was the picture I had Boone take at the scene. Like women always tell you, it's what's on the inside that counts. (opens the card and reads) "Happy Mother's Day. On this happiest of happy days, it's best you don't picture the horribly degrading things I do to your daughter. For both of us."
(Jones drops Lonewolf headfirst from the backbreaker into a Death Driver!! The impact makes McNeely sit up and then fall back down to the mat. Lucifer Jones climbs up to the top turnbuckle)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Lucifer Jones comes off the top with a leg drop!!
Referee Mike Peters: 1...2...(Lonewolf McNeely kicks out)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Lucifer Jones sits on McNeely's back and applies a face ripper camel clutch, fish hooking his mouth & eyes, making Lonewolf's bleeding ten times worse.
(Blood continues to pour over Jones' hands and fingers, as Jones rips & tears at McNeely's face. Rain has to look away)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Lonewolf McNeely pushes up from the mat, and gets to his feet, with Jones still piggybacked behind him.
Phil Blauer: The expression "piggyback" comes from "pick a pack". In the old days — and I guess even now — it was common practice for individuals who had to carry a heavy object to invariably place it on their back. This method of carrying things around was called "pick a pack". And `pick a pack' when said quickly became `pickapack'. Parents often carried their children "pickapack" too. But children because they loved animals so much changed "pickapack" to "piggyback".
Guillermo O'Bannon: Alright that's it, I'm taking these away.
Phil Blauer: NO!!
(Guillermo picks up all of Phil's Snapple caps, and tosses him over his shoulder to the front row. Lonewolf McNeely backs Lucifer into the corner and squashes him in the turnbuckles. McNeely inverted facelocks him and steps up to the second rope)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Lonewolf McNeely flips forward into a Sands of Time!!
(University Arena pops. McNeely fireman's carries Lucifer onto his shoulder and then sits him on the top turnbuckle. He steps up to the second rope, and butterflies his arms)
Guillermo O'Bannon: McNeely comes off with a Lights Out pedigree!! The crowd is really on McNeely's side here tonight. He grabs Lucifer Jones around the head and pulls him back into a dragon clutch!! Rain is shaking the ropes with excitement, as McNeely tries to bend The White Chapel Horror in half.
Phil Blauer: He's not The White Chapel Horror anymore.
Guillermo O'Bannon: Yeah, I noticed that. Why?
Phil Blauer: We were starting to catch shit from the White Castle people. Ever since the Harold & Kumar movie, they're a little protective of their image.
Guillermo O'Bannon: And how could Lucifer Jones hurt that image?
Referee Mike Peters: "You wanna tap?"
Lucifer Jones: "Fuck off ya, bleedin cunt!!"
Guillermo O'Bannon: Point taken.
(Lonewolf McNeely releases the dragon clutch and irish whips him into the ropes. He tiltawhirls him but he rolls out of it and he tiltawhirls McNeely up onto his shoulder, then charges into the center of the ring with a ligerbomb)
Referee Mike Peters: 1...2...(Lonewolf McNeely rolls his shoulder up)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Lucifer Jones kips up in front of Lonewolf and snap DDTs his skull into the mat!
Phil Blauer: Jones definately showing off the training he's been doing in preperation for this match and the Hardkore World Heavyweight Title Tournament in general.
(The fans boo & jeer Lucifer. Jones lifts McNeely up into a high angle stalling german suplex, then suddenly twists in mid-drop and drops him into a reverse powerbomb while also landing on the small of their back with an elbow drop)
Guillermo O'Bannon: "Assault & Battery"!!
Phil Blauer: I will give it to Jones. He definately fits more moves into one then I've ever seen.
Guillermo O'Bannon: Jones climbs to the top turnbuckle from inside the ring. Lonewolf McNeely gives his butt a little shove and crotches him. He climbs to the second turnbuckle and inverted facelocks him. McNeely reverse superplexes him!!
(Lucifer Jones lands on his face and the impact bounces him up to his knees. McNeely stands up and tattoos him in the face with a shining wizard! The crowd applauds at the sound of McNeely's black boot smacking Jones' face)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Lonewolf McNeely pulls his head into his legs, and chicken wings one of his arms then piledrives him!! He covers Lucifer.
Referee Mike Peters: 1...2...(Lucifer Jones kicks out)
(Fans cheer as "The Punisher" Dan Stein and Domino step out. Dan Stein's shoulder is heavily taped and Domino is holding an ice pack to his elbow. He still has a leather strap in his hand. They both take their time, slowly walking down to the ring)
Guillermo O'Bannon: What are Dan Stein & Domino doing out here wuth that belt?
Phil Blauer: Probably scouting him for the leather strap match. Or looking to get his dead father's mask back.
Guillermo O'Bannon: It's Lucifer Jones' dead father's mask!
Phil Blauer: You know that man is lying in a hospital bed, praying to Allah that his body doesn't reject that uterus. And you already have him dead & buried.
Guillermo O'Bannon: Stein could be pissed he's been eliminated from the Hardkore World Heavyweight Title Tournament. When he heard, Jones match is tonight, he may be looking to play spoiler.
Phil Blauer: Must you be so negative? Maybe he just came here to get a look at the match? those monitors back there are shit. Dracon Xanathos looks like a guy on those crappy TVs.
Guillermo O'Bannon: McNeely irish whips Lucifer into the ropes, but Jones hops on to the middle of the second rope and lionsaults into a tornado DDT!! What a move!
(The crowd have to give it up for that move, and Domino & Stein mocking clap for it until Stein whips the corner post with the leather strap. Stein hurts his arm, and Domino reapplies the ice pack. Jones slumps him over the top rope and climbs to the second turnbuckle. Jones sets him up for a russian leg sweep and points at Stein)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Lucifer Jones backflips him facefirst into an Air Raid!!! He just decimated him with that flying C4, and now he inverted facelocks him...he sets him up for The Yankee Cracker but Stein gets up on the apron and whips him with that leather strap!! He's gonna screw up Lucifer Jones' tournament match!
(Jones fireballs Dan Stein!!! Stein flops off of the apron, and Domino rushes to his side. He turns around into a superkick from Lonewolf McNeely and the crowd delights with glee)
Phil Blauer: Lucifer Jones tossed a fireball into The Punisher's face but may have paid dearly for it by giving up control of the match.
Guillermo O'Bannon: Lonewolf McNeely presses Jones over his head, but Lucifer falls behind him and irish whips him into the ropes. He flapjacks him into an emerald frozen brainbuster!! He covers McNeely!
Referee Mike Peters: 1...2...3!!!
(The fans boo and toss trash into the ring. "Homicidal" by Bad Luck 13 rings through University Arena)
"Wild" Bill Kasal: "At 17 minutes 4 seconds; THE WINNER OF THE MATCH, ADVANCING TO THE SEMI-FINALS OF THE HARDKORE WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT TITLE TOURNAMENT...LUCIFER JONES!!!"
Guillermo O'Bannon: Lucifer Jones is two matches away from becoming Hardkore World Heavyweight Champion!
(Rain helps Lonewolf McNeely out of the ring, while Lucifer Jones walks over to a burned Dan Stein and rolls him under the bottom rope)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Jones has a somewhat helpless Dan Stein in the ring, fresh from burning him with that massive fire and him wrestling for nearly half an hour with Hardkore World Light Heavyweight Champion Syberus. He whips him with that leather strap!
(The Albuquerque fans boo as Lucifer Jones whips Dan Stien over & over on his injured arm!! He wraps the leather strap around Stien's wrist)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Lucifer Jones irish whips Stein but then uses that leather strap to yank back on Stein's injured arm!! Stein clutching his wing and Lucifer pulls him up by the hair. He sets him up for a stunner and then pitches him forward right on to his head with The Yankee Cracker!!
(The crowd boos Lucifer Jones as he stands on Dan Stein, with Domino screaming at him from the outside. Suddenly a man in a red mask runs out from the crowd)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Wait...another one? There's a man in Lucifer's red mask again, and he grabs a steel chair from a fan. He sneaks into the ring behind Lucifer Jones, and bends the frame on Jones skull!! He grabs that leather strap and begins whipping a bloody Lucifer Jones over & over!
(The crowd is cheering wildly, in a fever pitch. Jones yelps out in agony until the man mercifully stops and stomps him in the head for good measure. The masked man helps a woozy, one armed Dan Stein to his feet. Domino suddenly feels safe enough to enter the ring)
Phil Blauer: Domino seems to know him, trusts him. I can tell because she's the exact opposite with me. Alot more screechy, hitty, and always with the "someone please help me"!
Guillermo O'Bannon: The masked man picks Lucifer Jones up and hits him with his own Yankee Cracker!! He presents him to Dan Stein who pulls him up into a pumphandle. He lifts him up onto his shoulder into a sit down slam he calls The Reckoning!!!
("More Human Than Human" by White Zombie plays and Domino, Dan Stein, and the masked man leave together)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Whenever this strap match will be, it won't be soon enough for these two...and whoever this third guy is.
Phil Blauer: My guess is Bruno.
Guillermo O'Bannon: But the masked man was less that seven feet tall and white.
Phil Blauer: Exactly, how convenient!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Wow, fans. We’ve had three tournament matches thus far, and we’re only on our fifth match.
Phil Blauer: Fifth?? How many is there?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Nine.
Phil Blauer: No one said shit about nine anything. I do eight matches. Ask Phil’s Agent. My contract goes a little something like this: “Unless part of a PPV which will air an agreed upon number of promotional spots for The ‘Doctor’ Phil Show; Phil does eight matches...” (points it out for Guillermo) EIGHT! “...in accordance with his parole conditions. Plus, he may get a jelly donut of any filling he desires. Jelly donut can also be taken to mean custard donut or London Broil. The aforementioned ‘Donut Provision’ could also be used to recieve a danish of any flavor of his choosing. Oral sex is to be provided by Yolanda Ando if a ‘jelly donut’ is not found within a reasonable time.”
Yolanda Ando: Yeah, I hate that thing. And Boone, how friggin hard is it to find a donut?
(Phil winks at former internet prowrestling.com internet reporter Matt Boone)
former internet prowrestling.com internet reporter Matt Boone: Uh, you’d be surprised, Yoli. Those places close early. (winks at Yolanda)
Yolanda Ando: I think your supposed to wink at Phil.
Phil Blauer: Fuck this, eight matches and I’m out. (pulls his IFB ear peice out and yells into it) Fuck you, Robert! Get Boone to do it. I got plans!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Anyway, this next match pits two former champions of recent past, former Hardkore West Coast Champion Big Bad Bill and Hardkore America Heavyweight Champion Death Gojira. In Seattle, Gojira defeated Stan Wilson to proclaim himself King of the Monsters. Big Bad Bill wasn’t so lucky, losing his Hardkore West Coast title to Shootfighter after a five month title reign. Now the two meet up in a match tonight. Bill has always been the one willing to take it to the next level, but Bill has never wrestled anyone with the sadistic intent of Death Gojira.
(“Headless Children” by WASP plays and the fans give him a mixed reaction. Smoke fills the entrance ramp and black lights cause a purplish glow as they flicker in the background. When the main guitar riff hits, Big Bad Bill appears through the smoke and walk towards destiny)
Phil Blauer: His entrance kinda reminds me of Edge. Just without the cup of soda bouncing off his face and scratching from Lita’s dirty na-na.
Guillermo O’Bannon: That guy just fell assbackwards into the greatest heel role in a lifetime. Watch them fuck it up with them using Edge to turn HHH face. It seems kind of weird to see Big Bad Bill without a big shiny title belt around his waist. Ever since I’ve known him he’s either been Ring Syndicate Australian Champion or Hardkore West Coast Champion.
Phil Blauer: But Bill is most famous for his meticulous, almost obsessive study of any opponent he’s put against. He switches his style up, adjusting it for each different wrestler. He knows more about each wrestler’s finisher than I do.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Name one finisher that a wrestler here does.
Phil Blauer: Uh...Sure. Give me a sec. (bops his head to “Headless Children”) Huh? Oh sorry...right. Well, I do believe Big Stan does a corkscrew (covers his mouth) shinkinsteinerplexinslam...’87?
Yolanda Ando: Bill is wearing that long trench coat, given to him from the US Army...not Salvation Army. That is confirmed. Under that are indigo cotton pants with black boots that go to mid-shin. Along with that, a black belt & indigo tank top and a pair of black weight-lifting gloves.
“Wild” Bill Kasal: “The following contest is scheduled for one fall with a 30 minute time limit. Your referee is Ron Reid. Featuring first, from Asbury Park, New Jersey; Standing 6 feet 5 inches tall; Weighing 235 pounds...BIG BAD BILL!!!”
(The fans give him some applause. Then "Godzilla's Theme" by Akira Ifukube plays and the roof of University Arena nearly blows off. Death Gojira walks out with Makoto Jupiter, The Amazing Taylor, Tuxedo Mask, and Eerie Von. He’s carrying his barbed wire wrapped wooden chair, and Tux follows behind him, handing roses out to Albuquerque’s prettiest women)
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tuxedo Mask looking unbelievably fit compared to what he used to look like. He’s in the best shape of his life!
(Phil slides away from Guillermo. Death Gojira steps into the ring and gives them a “REEEOORRRNGHK!” The audience “REEEOORRRNGHK!”s back. Gojira smiles then turns to Bill and shrieks, “REEEOORRRNGHK!”)
Yolanda Ando: And a REEEOORRRNGHK to you too. Gojira is wearing black shorts and boots, kneepads, taped up knuckles, and of course those hideous godzilla spikes tattooed down along his spine. He’s got a t-shirt that says “I Destroyed Big Stan & Seattle...All in a Day’s Work- King of the Fuckin Monsters 2005”
former prowrestling.com internet reporter Matt Boone: Guillermo & Mr.Blauer, my sources tell me the stampede to the souvenir stand to be the first to own that shirt seems to have claimed quite a few lives. The Sno-Cone lady, a University of New Mexico student who has confirmed that she will not exchange emails with me, tells me that it was like a scene from a war. Bodies strewn among foam fingers & Rally Jackson novelty dreadlock hats. The injured, sliding among a gel on the University Arena floor; comprised of spilled beer, popcorn butter, & filth. She says it was the worst she’s seen in her three months working here.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Thank you, Matt. Please let us know if anything breaks on this developing story.
Phil Blauer: (pressing his finger to his IFB ear piece) Matt, can you hear me?
former prowrestling.com internet reporter Matt Boone: Yes, Mr. Blauer. In fact, I’m standing pretty close to you.
Phil Blauer: (continues to talk to the camera) Are there any Americans among the dead?
former prowrestling.com internet reporter Matt Boone: Uh, yes. Seems to be, all of them.
Phil Blauer: Aw. Tough break.
former prowrestling.com internet reporter Matt Boone: I think the one girl could be from Australia, but that would be a guess until I heard her speak.
Phil Blauer: I understand.
“Wild” Bill Kasal: “And his opponent; from Monster Island, Japan; Standing 6 feet 2 inches tall; Weighing 235 pounds; He is the reigning King of the Monsters...DEATH GOJIRA!!!”
(The New Mexico crowd gives him the loudest pop of the night and Mako, Tux, & Eerie Von do their trademark poses to elicit more cheers. Then “I Let The Rhytmn Hit Em” by Eric B & Rakim plays. Hardkore Jonnie Valentine staggers out, completely blitzed now)
Phil Blauer: I was kind of expecting this.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Is this gonna be the last match of the second round? That all of the second round was going to be tonight?
Phil Blauer: It is? No, I just knew Jonnie was gonna be a drunken mess not even halfway through the night.
Hardkore Jonnie Valentine: “Hey...(taps mic) Hello? Can ya hear me?”
(Crowd cheers back at him. Bill and Gojira try and keep one eye on Jonnie and one eye on each other)
Hardkore Jonnie Valentine: “Well to the Skybox guy that’s supposed to make sure my glass is never empty...your not doing a very good job. If you can hear me, please report to the Skybox with a crown & coke, I’d appreciate it. As it pertains to you two, one of you is gonna have a great car trip ahead of them to the beach. The other will have a very long drive through the desert. Because when we return to San Diego, it will be the Semi-Finals of the Hardkore World Heavyweight Title Tournament. As we know, Cyrus Williams will be taking on the Hardkore World Light Heavyweight Champion Syberus. What we now know is Lucifer Jones will be taking on the winner of this match.”
( Ron Reid signals for the bell, and Big Bad Bill mauls Gojira with powerful ninjitsu punches. He punches Gojira hard in the heart, then follows quickly with a right cross, then a stomach punch, followed with a hard jab to the chin)
Guillermo O’Bannon: Bill taking over early with those punches he perfected after over twenty one years studying in the Togakure clan of ninjutsu. Bill palm strikes Gojira in the nose!
(Gojira covers his nose and pokes Bill in the eye. Gojira twists Big Bad Bill’s arm. After some tense moments, Gojira chicken wings it around Bill’s back and inverted facelocks him)
Guillermo O’Bannon: Death Gojira reverse DDTs him on his hammerlocked arm! He scoops Bill up and twists it into a reverse bulldog!!
Referee Ron Reid: 1...(Big Bad Bill kicks out)
Guillermo O’Bannon: Death Gojira pulls him up to his feet, but Bill cracks his shins with a sweep kick.
(Gojira clutches his shin, and hops up & down in pain. Bill catches him under the chin with a superkick! The fans boo, and he applies an abdominal stretch. He plants his one foot, and yanks back hard on his arm)
Guillermo O’Bannon: Big Bad Bill using his height advantage for very painful leverage on that abdominal stretch.
Phil Blauer: Bill using those three inches on him like Guillermo’s last girlfriend’s reason for leaving him for “Skyler”.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Hey! She said she’s going through something she can’t explain. We’re just taking a break until she gets her head together and I get a real job.
(Death Gojira hiptosses Bill out of the abdominal stretch. The fans cheer and Gojira sets him up for a suplex. He grabs hold of his indigo pants and lifts Bill up in a hanging suplex. University Arena lights up like daylight with all the flashbulbs)
Guillermo O’Bannon: Gojira swings out of the hangman’s suplex into a swinging ace crusher!!
Referee Ron Reid: 1...(Big Bad Bill kick out)
(The crowd applauds that move, while Gojira grabs Bill’s leg like a boston crab. He tucks Bill’s legs under his arms and lifts him up. Gojira spins around into a sitdown spinebuster dropping Bill on the back of his neck)
Guillermo O’Bannon: The Suncrusher!! The crowd goes wild and Ron Reid begins the count!
Referee Ron Reid: 1...2... (Big Bad Bill rolls his shoulder up)
Guillermo O’Bannon: Death Gojira sits on Bill’s back, and straightjackets his arms into a camel clutch. Gojira using Bill’s own arms to create a head vice!
(Random fans shout out well wishings and lewd requests to Makoto Jupiter. Eerie Von glares at the most egregious offenders, and they quickly pipe down. Gojira pulls back on Bill’s locked fingers)
Guillermo O’Bannon: Gojira releases his hands and pulls him up in a waistlock. He pulls him up for a belly to back suplex, but Bill rolls forward into a side headlock takedown!
(Big Bad Bill headlocks Gojira, grinding his head & ears. Gojira rolls Bill on to his shoulders in a cradle)
Referee Ron Reid: 1...(Big Bad Bill rolls back over into a headlock)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Big Bad Bill pulls Gojira into his legs and pulls him up on his shoulder. He powerbombs him on the top rope to get some height and then slingshot powerbombs him into the center of the ring!!
(Albuquerque boos Bill, and he pulls Gojira's head into his legs. He lifts him up and piledrives him into canvas)
Referee Ron Reid: 1...2...(Death Gojira kicks out)
Phil Blauer: Big Bad Bill seems to be working down Death Gojira's head & neck area. What I like to call the H-eck Area.
Guillermo O'Bannon: Bill pulls Gojira up, but DG ducks the discus punch. Death Gojira butterflies his arms and lifts him up on his shoulder. He flips him forward into a reverse tigerbomb!!
(Bill bounces off the mat. While back to back, Death Gojira slips his arms around under Bill's arms and then under his chin. Then, when set up, DG drops Big Bad Bill in a seated piledriver, dropping him directly upon the top of his head)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Monster X Strikes Backdriver!! Gojira stomping around the ring and stands on the second rope to scream at the fans.
Death Gojira: “REEEOORRRNGHK!”
(Death Gojira pumphandles Bill up on his shoulder and then drops him in a steiner screwdriver!! University Arena gives Gojira a huge ovation, and he rolls him over into a pin)
Referee Ron Reid: 1...2...(Big Bad Bill kicks out)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Death Gojira irish whips Bill but Bill reverses it and irish whips him chestfirst into the turnbuckles. He follows him in with a hard kick in between the shoulders.
(Death Gojira staggers out backwards and Bill cracks him on the back of the head with an axe kick. He then hovers over him with a full nelson. He plants his feet and pulls up on his arms)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Bill continuing to isolate the back of Gojira's head & shoulders. Gojira is able to break the full nelson a little, and slams the back of his head into Bill's face. He lifts him up into an F5!!
(Death Gojira pulls Bill up into an argentinean backbreaker. He bounces Bill's spine up & down, as his arms flail to his sides. Suddenly, Gojira swings it around into a tombstone piledriver!! Bill goes limp and the crowd goes wild. Gojira mockingly crosses Bill's arms 'Taker style)
Referee Ron Reid: 1...2...thr...(Big Bad Bill gets his shoulder up)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Death Gojira chicken wing crossfaces him. Gojira now using his height "dis"advantage to pull Bill down with that chinlock. He wraps his legs with Bill's and pitches him forward into his face with a leg sweep!
(DG tries to pull him up, but Bill grabs Gojira by the ears and monkey flips him over. He scoops Gojira up)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Big Bad Bill snow plows him!!
Referee Ron Reid: 1...2...(Death Gojira gets his shoulder up)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Big Bad Bill grabs him by the legs and turns him over into a liontamer! He yanks back on his legs as Ron Reid checks in to see if he taps out.
(The boos really start raining down on Bill as he bends Gojira's back the wrong way. Gojira powers out of the boston crab, but Bill pops him in the face with a shining wizard! The fans wince at the impact that Bill's boot hits Gojira, and he pulls Gojira to his feet. Bill irish whips him)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Death Gojira hops on to the middle of the second rope and backflips into an asai moonsault into a reverse DDT!!
(University Arena comes alive with cheers. Gojira uses their energy to pump himself up, and pulls him in to his legs. He pulls Bill on to his shoulder and powerbombs him!! He grabs hold of his legs & arms and pulls him up for a second one)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Gojira lifts him up for a third, but runs across the ring and powerbombs him over the ropes to the concrete floor!!!
(Crowd leaps to their feet and chants "GO-JI-RA!! GO-JI-RA!! GO-JI-RA!! GO-JI-RA!! GO-JI-RA!!" The camera gets a close shot to see Bill's glassy eyes. Gojira goes outside and lifts Bill up into a fireman's carry)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Death Gojira airplane spins the side of Bill's head into the cornerpost!! He grabs Bill and rams his head into the railing so hard his head goes through two of the rails!
(Gojira steps over the railing while Tuxedo Mask hands him his barbed wire wrapped Goji Chair. He baseball swings the chair into Bill's head so hard it pops back out)
Phil Blauer: That was nice of him. We almost had to call the fire department.
Guillermo O'Bannon: Gojira pulls Bill up to the steps. DG knees Bill in the guts doubling him over. Death Gojira goes for an axe kick but Bill avoids it, and his leg smashes the steps! Big Bad Bill x factors Gojira's face into the steel steps!!
(The sound of Gojira's face bouncing off the steps can be heard throughout University Arena! Bill goes under the ring and pulls out his now infamous planted cooler. Inside there is a very long length of chain about eight feet long, very thin, like a typical dog leash)
Phil Blauer: Big Bad Bill looking to utilize that manriki gusari!
Guillermo O'Bannon: How do you know the name of it?
Phil Blauer: Bill was showing it to me before the show. You see, Bill likes me because I'm the only one who can follow his promos. I also happen to be a bit of a "ninja buff".
Guillermo O'Bannon: I didn't know that Phil.
Phil Blauer: There's alot you don't know ya whiskey suckin pope kissin bog wog. Ninjas have been with us for decades. Why did you know that 12 of our 32 presidents have been ninjas?
Guillermo O'Bannon: Big Bad Bill wraps that chain around his fist and beats him bloody. Bill now whipping him with that...manro...?
Phil Blauer: Manriki gusari. For a guy named Guillermo, you sure have a problem pronouncing anything else.
(The welts and cuts begin showing as a result from the whipping Bill is giving Gojira with the manriki gusari. He then wraps the chain around his neck to choke the life out of him)
Guillermo O'Bannon: As soon as this match spilled outside the ring, this match turned uglier than Lita in the morning. He cinches the chain even tighter around Gojira's neck!
Phil Blauer: You know, I recently went to an Ireland to interview with your president.
Guillermo O'Bannon: They don't have a president, they have a prime minister.
Phil Blauer: Why is everything religion with you people? At any rate, I was telling him how more advanced the Americans are. Using the example that we have put a man on the moon. "That's nothing," he said,"we're going to put a man on the sun." I told him "Don't be stupid, he'll fry before he even gets there." and President Bertie Ahern said "Oh no, he won't. We're sending him at night."
Guillermo O'Bannon: That was dumb.
Phil Blauer: (cackling) Hahahahahaha!! I know, 'send em at night'!! You guys are precious.
Guillermo O'Bannon: Bill and Gojira are now on either sides of the same ring post. Big Bad Bill runs up, hooks the gusari around the top of the post and gets a swinging drop kick on Death Gojira!!
(He leans Gojira against the apron and begins karate chopping Gojira over & over, but then Gojira begins returning the chops)
Guillermo O'Bannon: A bloody Death Gojira returning those chops now, and getting the upper hand. Gojira scoops him up and drives his skull in to The University Arena floor with a snow plow!!
Phil Blauer: How can you tell an Irish pirate?
Guillermo O'Bannon: Phil, there's a very exciting match going on...
Phil Blauer: He has patches over both eyes! Hahahahahaha!!
(Gojira rolls Bill back into the ring, Makoto Jupiter hands him his Goji Chair. He crams Bill's head through the chair, and lifts him up into an electric chair)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Electric chair reverse power bomb with that Goji Chair around his neck!! He rolls him over and pins him.
Referee Ron Reid: 1...2...(Big Bad Bill kicks out)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Death Gojira pulls Bill up and cradles his leg, he fisherman suplexes him onto the standing chair!!
(The fans are getting rowdy. Death Gojira double underhooks Bill, and lifts him up but Bill huracanranas him)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Big Bad Bill applies a tiger claw to the back of that neck he's worked down all night.
Phil Blauer: Bill also working the five known pressure points in the back of the neck. I know of a sixth one, only reachable by tongue.
Guillermo O'Bannon: That's ill, dude. Death Gojira's body is completely stiff from the reverse tiger claw. He then runs up the turnbuckles into an acid drop!!
Referee Ron Reid: 1...2...(Death Gojira kicks out)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Fans, we gotta take a break! We'll be right back with this second round match in the Hardkore World Heavyweight Title Tournament!
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May 09, 2005#25
***commercial***
COMING THIS JULY...
Hardkore World returns to the most violent town in the World. An area that has known bloodshed,
racial hatred, and explosions far too well...and that's just when we blow in to town!
IRISH RAGE IN BELFAST
At Ulster Hall in Northern Ireland
This July, ask your local pay per view provider for details...
(Fade back to the ring)
Guillermo O'Bannon: We're back fans, and while we've been in commercial Big Bad Bill has battered Gojira with stiff kicks and chops, followed by a keylock.
(Big Bad Bill sets The Goji Chair up and positions Gojira in front of it. He front facelocks him, but Gojira reverses it into a fireman’s carry. He airplane spins Bill round & round until he’s sufficently dizzy, then he sets him down on his own two rubbery legs)
Guillermo O’Bannon: Death Gojira Kumunga-Among-Ya spinebusters Big Bad Bill on that standing chair!! The barbed wire tears Bill’s back to shreds, and Gojira turns it into a pin!
Referee Ron Reid: 1...2...(Big Bad Bill kicks out)
Guillermo O’Bann: Gojira pulls Bill up into another argentinean backbreaker! After a few agonizing moments, Gojira drops Bill in a hangman’s neckbreaker to complete The Spinning Granny Combo Breaker!
Phil Blauer: Not as impressive as completing the cycle, but close.
(The Amazing Taylor runs into the ring, and the fans pop)
The Amazing Taylor: “What can I do to help, son?”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Death Gojira piledrives The Amazing Taylor’s skull into Big Bad Bill’s head!! Taylor is unconcious and so is Big Bad Bill!!
Referee Ron Reid: 1...2...thr- (Big Bad Bill gets his foot on the bottom rope)
(The crowd groans, but Death Gojira thinks he won. He “REEEOORRRNGHK!”s to the audience with his arms raised in victory. Ron Reid walks over and pulls his arms down)
Referee Ron Reid: “No pinfall, that was two.”
Death Gojira: “REEEOORRRNGHK??? What are you talking about that was three. His shoulders are still down for chrissakes!!”
Referee Ron Reid: “He got his foot on the bottom rope, no fall.”
Death Gojira: “When?? His shoulders were down, are ya blind??”
Referee Ron Reid: “No, a little constipated. But that always happens if I have pizza. But it’s comin, alright. There’s gonna be hell to pay.”
Death Gojira: “I pinned Unbelievably Bad Bill, I’m going to San Di-(Big Bad Bill smacks him in the back of the head with a ghettoblaster kick)
Guillermo O’Bannon: Bill drops a knee against Death Gojira’s forehead.
Yolanda Ando: He’s got blood all over the knee of his indigo pants!
Phil Blauer: Trust me, it’s hard to explain blood on your pants. Especially on a date. Or to nosy cops.
(Bill sidesteps Gojira and applies a reverse hammerlock. He pushes him forward while placing his feet in front of him. Bill slides his arms up into his elbows and pushes down on his back!! Albuquerque boos The Dislocator, and a sense of panic sets in)
Guillermo O’Bannon: It’s The Dislocator!! The Dislocator, a move that recently injured the new Hardkore West Coast Champion The Shootfighter! Bill obviously saw The Goji Chair as a definite threat, so he concentrated on the upper back. This has prevented not only a super strong strike, but softened him up for The Dis-locator.
Phil Blauer: Genius!
“Wild” Bill Kasal: “Twenty Minutes Have Elapsed. 10 Minutes Remaining.”
(Ron Reid checks in repeatedly, asking Gojira if he wants to submit to Big Bad Bill’s painful finisher. Gojira gives out a agonized “REEEOORRRNGHK!!” Ron doesn’t know if that’s a yes or a no. Blood oozes out of the large gash over Gojira’s eye to a pool forming on the canvas below him. Bill gives another heavy shove to gojira’s back and he yelps out in pain)
Guillermo O’Bannon: Eerie Von steps over the ropes and grabs Big Bad Bill by the throat!
(Big Bad Bill’s eyes bug out, due to lack of oxygen and shock. The front row of the audience holds up their “C-H-O-K-E-S-L-A-M” cards)
Guillermo O’Bannon: Eerie Von chokeslams Bill back to the stoneage!!
(University Arena goes wild! Gojira is lying in the corner, clutching both his arms and stomping his feet in pain. He REEEOORRRNGHKs in frustration. Eerie Von sees Gojira is unable to capitalize, and irish whips Bill into the ropes)
Guillermo O’Bannon: The 6’11 Eerie Von flapjacks Bill up and drops him in a Greetings from Spook City diamond cutter!!
(Fans chant “EE-RIE!! EE-RIE!! EE-RIE!! EE-RIE!! EE-RIE!!” Then suddenly from out of the crowd come The Microshocker and the 450 pound Bad Boy King Kong. The University Arena rocks with boos as The Shock blasts Eerie Von in the face with his laptop named Mr. Computer)
Phil Blauer: It’s The Shock!!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Makoto Jupiter urges Tuxedo Mask to enter the ring and he does so hesitantly. He points at...Bad Boy King Kong. But The Shock hits him from behind with a low blow! His bodyguard picks Tux up in a powerbomb with a headbutt to the groin!!
(Bad Boy King Kong grabs the house microphone and hands it to The Microshocker)
The Microshocker: “Hello, New Mexico. My favoritest Mexico of all!!”
(The crowd boos him, as he skips around the ring among the bodies of Tuxedo Mask, Eerie Von, and Death Gojira)
The Microshocker: (gets in Gojira’s face while Bad Boy King Kong holds him) "You remember the last time you saw me, Goji-kins? It was in some rathole called The Lawlor Arena at a Reno House show. You ended my career that night, when you put my gorgeous face through the nasty chair of yours. I had to spend the last four months in intensive plastic surgery and late night bukkake therapy. But now I’m back. Since you eliminated my from the first round and ended my bid to become the first gay World Champion since Bob Backlund, I’m going to make sure my good friend Billy ends your tourney dreams!!!”
(The fans boo, and The Shock throws down his microphone. Bad Boy King Kong irish whips Death Gojira into the turnbuckles, and The Microshocker runs in with a knee to his testicals. Gojira doesn’t have time to fall before Bad Boy King Kong comes in with an avalanche to The Shock’s back, swashing both him & DG. The audience chants “ FUCK YOU SHOCK!! FUCK YOU SHOCK!! FUCK YOU SHOCK!! FUCK YOU SHOCK!! FUCK YOU SHOCK!!”)
Guillermo O’Bannon: Bad Boy now dry humping The Shock, and the combined weight of 675 pounds are squashing Gojira!
Phil Blauer: And that’s a pretty uncomfortable 675 to bat.
(Bad Boy King Kong and The Microshocker finally allow Gojira to drop. Then their Dark Ryder Movement partner, Big Bad Bill comes off the top with a skytwister press!! The crowd continues to scream bloody murder and Bill hooks both of Gojira’s legs)
Phil Blauer: (doing his best Cole) Not this way!
Referee Ron Reid: 1...2...thr- (Death Gojira gets his shoulder up)
(The crowd goes wild, and applauds Gojira’s tenacity)
Guillermo O’Bannon: Eerie Von exchanges blows with Bad Boy King Kong.
Phil Blauer: What must our blind viewers think of that comment?
Guillermo O’Bannon: They fight their way to the back, with Tux & The Shock fast on their heels. Big Bad Bill scoops a bloody Gojira up into a reverse piledriver, but Gojira bridges out of it and tombstones him onto Mr.Computer!!
Referee Ron Reid: 1...2...thr- (Big Bad Bill gets his shoulder up)
Guillermo O’Bannon: Death Gojira pulls Bill’s head into his legs and straightjacket tigerbombs him!!
Referee Ron Reid: 1...2...(Big Bad Bill leg claps Gojira’s head)
Guillermo O’Bannon: Death Gojira butterflies Gojira’s arms and double underhook brainbusters him!! 24 He takes a few moments to catch his breath, wipe the blood out of his eyes and get to his feet. Makoto Jupiter tosses him a spool of barbed wire!!
(University Arena buzzes in anticipation, as Gojira quickly goes to work, wrapping it around Bill’s face & neck. Blood oozes out of from where the barbs have periced his skin)
Guillermo O’Bannon: Death Gojira northern lights bombs him with that barbed wire wrapped around his face!!
Referee Ron Reid: 1...2...thre- (Big Bad Bill kicks out)
Guillermo O’Bannon: Gojira sits Bill on the top turnbuckle. Death Gojira steps up to the second turnbuckle and REEEOORRRNGHKs for all the fans in attendance in Albuquerque. He gut wrenches Bill up into a spinning dominator off the top rope with that strand of barbed wire still caught around & his head & neck!!!
(Fans gasp in shock & horror, and small pockets of “Ho-ly Shit!! Ho-ly Shit!! Ho-ly Shit!! Ho-ly Shit!! Ho-ly Shit!!” start around University Center. Bill rolls around the mat, trying unsuccesfully to pull the barbed wire out of his cheek, eyebrow, jaw & shoulder. He sickening screams everytime he tries to pull one out, so he leaves it. Blood has covered his entire torso, and it runs from several deep cuts in his back. Death Gojira has set up The Goji Chair in the center of the ring. He douses it in lighter fluid and then Makoto Jupiter hands him his zippo lighter with the radioactive signal)
Guillermo O’Bannon: Death Gojira lights The Goji Chair on fire, and electric chairs Bill up in the air. He ocean cyclone suplexes his back on the burning barbed wire chair, with some of it still around his head like a sick crown!!!
(Albuquerque chants “GO-JI-RA!!! GO-JI-RA!!! GO-JI-RA!!! GO-JI-RA!!! GO-JI-RA!!!” until it’s deafening. Bill rolls around & the mat completely bathing it in blood. Death Gojira tries to hold him still long enough to pin him)
Referee Ron Reid: 1..2..(Big Bad Bill gets his shoulder up)
Phil Blauer: The agonizing pain is the only thing keeping him concious.
Guillermo O’Bannon: I can relate. (shudders, and takes a long tug of his whiskey, then Makoto snatches it out of his hand) Hey!!
Phil Blauer: I’ve had drinks thrown in my face, but never just had them take mine.
(Big Bad Bill seems delirious with pain, crawling in no particular direction. Makoto Jupiter hands Guillermo’s bottle of whiskey to Gojira. A sad pathetic site, with barbed wire wrapped around his head, blood pouring down his face and a patch of hair on the back of his head burned off. He crawls over and grabs that cooler. Gojira grabs Bill by the leg)
Guillermo O’Bannon: Big Bad Bill is so out of it he could only think to grab that bottle of ice water to heal his burns but Gojira won’t even let him do that.
Phil Blauer: In Seattle he used that ice water to pour down Shootfighter’s back to set him up for a pipe shot. Not too sure what it could do to Death Gojira at this stage.
(Gojira drags Bill to the center of the ring by his leg, but Bill squirts the water bottle in his face & chest. The audience laughs at the pitiful sight of Bill reduced to squirting water at people)
Phil Blauer: This is getting depressing.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Gojira takes a big swig of MY whiskey that I paid for with MY shit-for-wages, and lights that zippo lighter...He’s gonna put Bill out of wrestling like he did to Stan “The Tank” Wilson!
(Death Gojira mimick Big Stan’s chokeslam hand signal then blows a huge fireball at Big Bad Bill, but Bill squirts the water at Gojira again. A giant flare up meets between them that blows up in Gojira’s face. The “I Destroyed Big Stan & Seattle...All in a Day’s Work- King of the Fuckin Monsters 2005” t-shirt lights on fire and burns his chest until Makoto Jupiter & Ron Reid beat the flames out and pull the shirt off of Bill)
Guillermo O’Bannon: That wasn’t water, it was vodka!! And it just blew up in a giant fireball in Gojira’s face!! Big Bad Bill gets up, with shaky legs, and that barbed wire wrapped around his face.
“Wild” Bill Kasal: “Twenty Five Minutes Have Elapsed. 5 Minutes Remaining.”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Bill gives it another tug but no use. He arrangeds it so he can at least see, and then double underhooks his arms. He Enso DDTs his burned face on what’s left of Mr. Computer!! He rolls a limp Gojira over, then covers him!
Referee Ron Reid: 1...2...3!!!
(“Headless Children” by WASP cranks up, and most of University Arena boos, but many fans stand and applaud that excellent match. Big Bad Bill staggers up to his feet, and Ron Reid raises his hand)
“Wild” Bill Kasal: “At 25 minutes 21 seconds; THE WINNER OF THE MATCH, ADVANCING TO THE SEMI-FINALS...BIG BAD BILL!!!”
(Big Bad Bill falls through the ropes to the floor, with a giant strand of barbed wire still embedded in his eyebrow, and caught in his hair)
Guillermo O’Bannon: Bill and Gojira left alot of themselves back in that ring, but it’s the former West Coast Champion that is now gonna go on to face Lucifer Jones in San Diego. He earned alot of fans tonight with his intestinal fortitude.
(A few fans clap for him as he walks by them on the ramp, when suddenly Lucifer Jones blindsides him! The crowd boos Lucifer Jones, who has a bloody bandage around his head, and welts all over his body, while he pummels Bill. Jones punches the barbed wire farther & farther into Bill’s skull)
Phil Blauer: Triple B stands for Bloody & Burned Bill.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Lucifer Jones grabs Bill by the head and pulls him up on into a rude awakening. He twists him around ramming Bill’s face into the ramp with The Yankee Cracker!!!
(The crowd boos. Jones’ cuts have re-opened and he is again a crimson mask as he limps out of the University Arena)
Guillermo O’Bannon: These two will have a score to settle in San Diego, the winner goes on to fight for the World Championship in Palm Springs.
(Camera pans over a steel cage back to Guillermo & Phil standing at ringside)
Guillermo O’Bannon: Phil, you can’t leave.
Phil Blauer: I told you, like my contract says, eight matches and I’m out. After the scaffold match, I’m going to Destination: Splitsville. Population: Me.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Who’s gonna barely pay attention to the match?
Phil Blauer: Get Boone.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Boone? That guy sucks! The only reason we let that doughy bitch keep his job is that he seems to have a good repore with The Shootfighter.
former prowrestling.com internet reporter Matt Boone: I’m standing right here.
Guillermo O’Bannon: I know!
Phil Blauer: Scaffold match, and I’m finished.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Jonnie’s gonna be pissed.
Phil Blauer: (folds his arms) I don’t care. I hope he is.
former prowrestling.com internet reporter Matt Boone: He’s not the boss of Phil.
Yolanda Ando: Yes he is.
Phil Blauer: I don’t care. Jonnie owes me for not giving me my personal day.
Guillermo O’Bannon: It was Palm Springs Punishment! What did you have to do anyway?
Phil Blauer: Personal Day means just that.
(“Strutter” by KISS plays and the fans cheer. A spotlight catches the very sexy Brandi do just that, strutting to the ring. She pats a couple guy’s cheeks, and walks up to the door of the cage and blows a kiss to the men of Albuquerque)
Guillermo O’Bannon: Besides even if you would have gotten to go to the porn store for new release day, you would have missed Brandi & Ayame Tokugawa open the show with a thrilling match. Ayame defeated her to become the number one contender to the Women’s Champion. Tokugawa went on to upset Xyrynth for that title, and now has her first title defense in a steel cage with one of the most ruthless women in the sport.
Phil Blauer: What the hell happened to Hardkore South?
Guillermo O’Bannon: I don’t know but I bet Jonnie will be waiting backstage to find out where all that money is that he fronted her.
Phil Blauer: My guess is with a dealer named Rudy.
(Brandy enters the cage, Brandy rocks her head back and basks in the spotlight. Whistles and catcalls fill University Arena)
Yolanda Ando: Brandi wears a white sports bra and black spandex pants with “Brandi” across the rear.
“Wild” Bill Kasal: “The following Steel Cage Match is scheduled for one fall, a 30 minute time limit and is for the HARDKORE WORLD WOMEN’S CHAMPIONSHIP! Your referee is Mike Peters. Featuring first, from Sontag, Virginia; Standing 5 feet 7 inches tall; Weighing ‘None of Your Damn Concern’...BRANDI!!!”
(The fans cheer Brandi, as she makes a few lewd poses to get a reaction. Then “Before I’m Dead” by The Kidneythieves plays and the crowd applauds the high flying Ayame Tokugawa. She walks out with the Hardkore World Women’s Championship strapped around her waist. Dracon Xanathos and Pedro “El Gallo” Santiago follow her out)
Guillermo O’Bannon: This crew getting to be very busy in the Hardkore World circles. Pedro Santiago is set fly back to Cleveland to take on Pheonix in the Hardkore Tri-State Title Tournament.
Phil Blauer: So where’s he going? Cleveland or Phoenix?
(Ayame Tokugawa steps up to the door of the cage and bends her back over the top rope, gracefully flipping into the ring)
Yolanda Ando: Ayame Tokugawa wears the Hardkore World Women’s title belt over a black leather kimono style dress. Underneath it, she wears high boots and a black bustier.
“Wild” Bill Kasal: “And her opponent; accompanied to the ring by Pedro “El Gallo” Santiago, and her manager KJ “Dracon” Xanathose; from Kyoto, Japan; Standing 5 feet 9 inches tall; Weighing 133 pounds; She is The Current HARDKORE WORLD WOMEN’S CHAMPION...AYAME ‘PHOENIX’ TOKUGAWA!!!”
(Some fans in the front row throw mutli-colored paper streamers against the cage in a show of respect for Tokugawa. Santiago, Kasal, & Xanathos leave the ring and Mike Peters signals for the bell)
Guillermo O’Bannon: Ayame Tokugawa runs off the ropes and flying lariots Brandi! She irish whips her into the ropes and floors her with a flying spinning karate kick!
(The crowd cheers, she pulls Brandi up by the ponytail and shoots her into the ropes again. When she comes back, Tokugawa catches her and spins her around into a black hole slam)
Guillermo O’Bannon: Phoenix standing moonsaults her but Brandi’s waiting for her with both knees to her stomach. Brandi scoops her up and stuns her with a backbreaker.
(Brandi waistlocks her and release german suplexes her onto the back of her head!! She grabs Tokugawa by the black hair with blonde highlights, and runs her facefirst into the cage! The audience pops the first cage spot)
Guillermo O’Bannon: Brandi gut wrenches Phoenix up onto her shoulder, then dumps her over into a painful bump on her tits!
(Ayame covers her chest, and grimaces in pain. Brandi pulls her up by the hair, and irish whips her into the ropes. She rolls up into a huracanrana but Tokugawa reverses it into a samurai driver)
Guillermo O’Bannon: She grabs Brandi by the leg and dragon screws her lover into an ankle lock. She wrenches Brandi’s foot to the side, and then wraps her leg around Brandi’s thigh and drops down to the mat.
(Mike Peters checks in but Brandi refuses to tap out. Tokugawa lets go of her foot and then irish whips her into the ropes)
Guillermo O’Bannon: Tokugawa takes her down with a cross body block!
Referee Mike Peters: 1...(Brandi kicks out)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Ayame irish whips Brandi into the ropes again and dips down for a backdrop, but the veteran Brandi is ready for her with a neckbreaker! She pulls Tokugawa and holds her up in a standing suplex.
(Brandi lets her think about it for a while and then drops her. She irish whips her into the corner and follows her in with a forearm shot to the face. She then begins chopping her with knife edges to the throat)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Brandi headlocks her and runs out to the center of the ring, but Tokugawa pushes her off into the cage!! Brandi staggers around, stunned and Ayame catches her from behind with an orton backbreaker!
(Ayame bends Brandi over her knee and begins spanking her, intending to humiliate her. But Brandi arches her back and really gets into it. Ayame grows frustrated and slaps her, then drops her with a side effect! Phoenix covers her)
Referee Mike Peters: 1...2...(Brandi kicks out)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Ayame Tokugawa belly to belly waistlocks her but Brandi brings her knee up into Tokugawa's stomach. Brandi DDTs her!
Referee Mike Peters: 1...2...(Ayame Tokugawa kicks out)
Guillermo O'Bannon: She scoops Tokugawa up and bodyslams her hard on to the mat. Brandi then climbs to the top rope from inside the ring. She backflips into a so-so moonsault!!
Referee Mike Peters: 1...2...(Ayame Tokugawa kicks out)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Brandi irish whips her into the ropes, but Ayame comes back with a crucifix swung into a Déjà Vu DDT!!
(Ayame Tokugawa climbs to the top rope, then keeps climbing up on to the top of the cage. She balances on the top and then does a jaw dropping walk along the top of the cage!! The fans pop hard and Phoenix leaps off into a huracanrana!!! The Albuquerque crowd chants "AY-A-ME!!! AY-A-ME!!! AY-A-ME!!! AY-A-ME!!! AY-A-ME!!!")
Phil Blauer: I can't believe what I'm seeing!
Guillermo O'Bannon: I can't believe it, she walked along the top of that cage, before coming off with an eye popping huracanrana!
Phil Blauer: No, look at these stain-resistant pants I got from Dockers. I have three different types of bodily fluids on them right now and you can only really see the one!
Guillermo O'Bannon: Ew!! Why did it have to be that one??
(Ayame crawls over and grabs Brandi's leg and turns her over into a single leg boston crab. She sticks her knee into Brandi's back and pulls back, making Brandi screech in pain)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Ayame trying to get Brandi to tap out to The Geisha Fan!! Brandi is still dizzy from that Walk-a-Rana, and now is in danger of having her back injured.
(Peters checks in but Brandi waves him away. Ayame yanks back again, and Brandi re-thinks her position. Tokugawa releases The Geisha's Fan, but before Brandi can get to her feet, she kicks her as hard as she can in the head. She climbs to the top of the rope, waiting for Brandi to get up)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Ayame comes off with the dragonrana but Brandi has it scouted this time and tigerbombs her!!
Referee Ron Reid: 1...2...(Ayame Tokugawa rolls his shoulder up)
Guillermo O'Bannon: She grabs Ayame by the leg and turns her over into The Geisha's Fan!! Tokugawa in trouble of losing her first title defense by her own submission finisher!
Phil Blauer: That could be humiliating for the champ. Brandi taking out all her aggression on Tokugawa for the heat she has in the locker room for the Hardkore South "thing".
Guillermo O'Bannon: Who told you she has heat?
former prowrestling.come internet reporter Matt Boone: I di-...
Phil Blauer: (smacks Boone) I have my sources. But suffice to say, Brandi will not be getting any invitations to the afterparty. Unless it would just be a thinly veiled attempt at sex from some lonely mid-carder or announcer.
Guillermo O'Bannon: So what's changed?
Phil Blauer: The announcer part. She's officially in my league now! Coach is in like flynn now, too. Not Cole, though. Maybe if Hunglestien's fed goes under...
(Brandi screams "How do you like it, huh??" then yanks back Ayame's leg, and digs her knee into the back. She releases The Geisha Fan and pulls Tokugawa up into another hanging suplex. She drops Ayame's feet on the top rope and rocks her back into a slingshot suplex! She floats over into a pin)
Referee Mike Peters: 1...2...(Ayame Tokugawa kicks out)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Brandi double underhook suplexes Ayame across the ring! She pulls her up by the hair, and irish whips her into the ropes, but Tokugawa hops on to the middle of the top rope and backflips into a gorgeous asai moonsault bodypress!!
Referee Mike Peters: 1...2...(Brandi kicks out)
Guillermo O'Bannon: She runs into the ropes and takes Brandi over in a flying headscissors! She climbs to the top rope and waits for Brandi to get her feet and then missle dropkicks her!!
(The crowd is at a fever pitch! Ayame runs into the ropes and tumbles into a rolling thunder but Brandi puts her knees up into Tokugawa's back! The fans groan, and Phoenix rolls around the mat holding the small of her back)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Brandi whacks Tokugawa upside the head with a savatte kick! Phoenix staggers around the ring a bit, so Brandi gut wrench suplexes her.
(Brandi sits on Ayame's face and grinds it back & forth, drawing some jealous boos from the Albuquerque fans. But Ayame rolls her back into a sunset flip)
Referee Mike Peters: 1...2...(Brandi claps her head with her thighs)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Ayame twists Brandi's arm and back kicks her in the face. She runs into the ropes and backflips into a lionsault!
Referee Mike Peters: 1...2...(Brandi kicks out)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Ayame Tokugawa climbing the ropes, and getting back on the cage again. Brandi follows her up there, trying to stop her! Ayame climbs to the top of the cage, facing the audience here.
Phil Blauer: If she pushes Ayame, or if Ayame falls, Tokugawa would win. So Brandi has to be very careful here.
Guillermo O'Bannon: If she falls, she dies, Phil.
Phil Blauer: Both of them have to be very careful.
Guillermo O'Bannon: Ayame backflips off the cage, catching Brandi on the top turnbuckle on the way down with a inverted FireBird DDT!!!
(University Arena is deafening with chants of "AY-A-ME!!! AY-A-ME!!! AY-A-ME!!! AY-A-ME!!! AY-A-ME!!!" Tokugawa hooks her leg)
Referee Mike Peters: 1...2...3!!!
("Before I'm Dead" by The Kidneythieves plays and the audience is still breathless from the Firebird DDT off the cage. Pedro "El Gallo" Santiago & Dracon Xanathos open the cage, with title belt in hand to give to Ayame)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Ayame Tokugawa has successfully defended her title here tonight in a steel cage match with the manipulative Brandi!
"Wild" Bill Kasal: "At 14 minutes 9 seconds; THE WINNER OF THE MATCH, AND STILL HARDKORE WORLD WOMEN'S CHAMPION...AYAME 'PHOENIX' TOKUGAWA!!!"
(Tokugawa straps the title belt around her waist, and then walks out of the cage with Xanathos & Santiago. The crowd has a respectful round of applause waiting for her when she walks out)
**commercial**
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**commercial**
(Backstage Tuxedo Mask walks past the veggie plate and grabs a moonpie off the Little Debbie plate.)
Former prowrestling.com internet reporter Matt Boone: Tuxedo Mask, care to comment on the issue of the day. Is it fair Phil should work an additional match?
Tuxedo Mask: First things first, Matt Boone.
(Tux grabs the mic, then shoves the moonpie in his mouth. He slowly chews the marshmello cookie-like treat.)
Phil Blauer: It's the saliva that breaks it down and makes it mushy so he can swallow it.
Guillermo O'Bannon: That's gross, dude.
Phil Blauer: If you think that's gross remind me not to talk to about sex.
Yolanda Ando: Two Irish words: Bucket O'Semen.
(Tux swallows, holds up his finger in the universal sign for "one more minute", then swallows again.)
Tuxedo Mask: Odelay! Viva la raza! Now what is it that was so important you had to inturrupt my moonpie quality time?
Former prowrestling.com internet reporter Matt Boone: ...I forget. (points to the Little Debbie plate) Can you hand me one of those swiss cake rolls?
Tuxedo Mask: Thems mines.
Former prowrestling.com internet reporter Matt Boone: (takes his mic back) You're belly button's showing.
Tuxedo Mask: I know, my shirt shrunk.
Guillermo O'Bannon: Matt, can you ask him if he's seen Hunglestein?
(Tux shakes his head no)
Former prowrestling.com internet reporter Matt Boone: He says no. Back to you.
Phil Blauer: My eighth and final match this evening puts 1,615 pounds 90 feet above the ring, nothing to separate it from the hard concrete but those 50 some odd plywood tables they stacked during the commerical break.
Guillermo O'Bannon: Historically scaffold matches leave a bit to be desired. It's all chest slaps and open fists to the head, with a couple 250 pound men wishing they had the time to tell their kids they loved them before they walked up the ladder. But this is Hardkore World, and you know in Hardkore anything's possible.
("Bump 'N Grind" by R. Kelly fills University Arena. Tarrasque, Jeremiah Vastrix, and Lucious Morgan step through the curtain.)
Yolanda Ando: Jeremiah Vastrix, as sexy as ever dressed in a form fitting body suit. His Hardkore World 6 Man Tag Title fit snuggly across his tiny waist. I wonder what secerets he hides behind his porcelin mask? I hope it isn't that he's G-A-Y. I've had a bad experience.
Phil Blauer: I told you, I was just tired!
(When Warhammer gets halfway down the ramp Judge Death and The Shootfighter step through. Death's dressed in his robe with his wig and his mask, Shootfighter's in black, his Hardkore World West Coast Championship drapped across one shoulder, his Hardkore World 6 Man Tag Title draped across the other.)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Judge Death sat in all last week for Judge Maybeline on Divorce Court. We have a clip...
Judge Death: And Jamal, howeth does thou wisheth to pay for the furniture, which was rented to be owned, when thou haseth no form of employment?
Jamal: Well, you see judge, I have this settlement from Jiff peanut butter that's about to come through. Plus I hit the number last week.
Shemika: That money better go to your kids!
Jamal: Two of those kids ain't mine.
Judge Death: Silence! That will be decided in our final segment wheneth I reveal the results of the paternity test!
(At ringside The Shootfighter, Tarrasque, and Vastrix begin their slow climb 90 feet above the ring.)
Matt Boone: Most of the people I talk to on the bus ride to school look at this team as the greatest 6 man combination ever...on paper. You've got all the bases covered. With Tarrasque you've got pure power, Vastrix gives you agility, and The Shootfighter is a ring technician as good as they come. So far they've been able to keep whatever differences have kept them enemies for so many years a non factor, as a team, many expect them to dominate for years to come. Be sure to check out my website. Could Goldberg be on his way back?
Guillermo O'Bannon: I thought we agreed, no plugs.
("The Champ Is Here" by Jadakiss plays as Bruno steps through the curtain. Behind him walks Stan "The Tank" Wilson and Tony Thunder.)
Phil Blauer: Do you think Thunder thinks it's extreme hanging with two 300 pound black men?
Guillermo O'Bannon: He's their cool white boy. You know, for hailing cabs and dealing with hotel managers. Plus you need a white guy in your crew to find the good weed.
Yolanda Ando: Big Stan shows us exactly how big he is in skin tight, black leather trunks. The words "Big Tank" are embroided on the back, and there's an image of a small tank on the front. Ready, aim, fire!
Former prowrestling.com internet reporter Matt Boone: Word in the locker room is these guys like working together. Bruno and Stan have even joked backstage, calling each other "cousin". Sources tell me Tony Thunder thinks a run as Hardkore World 6 Man Champion could be an extreme springboard to bigger and better things.
Yolanda Ando: Tony Thunder thinks it's extreme to promise to call somebody after they've had sex and then not call.
Guillermo O'Bannon: Are you sure you didn't misunderstand him?
Yolanda Adno: It's kinda impossible to misunderstand, "Thanks for the gnarley blowjob. I'll call ya, dude." He's wearing an extreme black t-shirt with "X-Games" on the front and "Tony Thunder Rulz, DUDE!" on the back.
Guillermo O'Bannon: Not since The Masked Erbator's "Pull My Finger. That's Not My Finger. Don't Stop Pulling." merchandise has a shirt sold so poorly.
Former prowrestling.com internet reporter Matt Boone: Can I quote you as a source on that? I'm off restriction and my mom says I can resume my webcast when report cards come out.
(Bruno in black tights and no shirt stops at the foot of the ladder and looks up. He shakes his head "no" and backs away from the ladder.)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Looks like Bruno might have a problem with heights.
Phil Blauer: Don't you watch Comic View? Black guys don't do heights, don't swim, and don't eat pussy. Also, white people as a whole are funny in their every day pursuits, I've just never noticed it.
Guillermo O'Bannon: Could you be the last person to ever notice white people?
Phil Blauer: What's to notice besides our totally balanced check books and expert ability to dance?
(Stan and Thunder try to stop Bruno, but he pushes past them and heads back up the ramp.)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Bruno refusing climb the ladder! Bruno's refusing to wrestle!
Phil Blauer: Oh, no, this won't work sister. This is my eighth match whether that bell rings or not. I should follow Bruno up that ramp, out that door, down that street, past that gas station, into that-
Guillermo O'Bannon: Phil, this is not some grand conspiracy to ruin your Friday.
Phil Blauer: Today is MY Friday and I will not work late on MY Friday. Today is your Tuesday, Guillermo, you have no idea what it's like when somebody fucks with your Friday. Fuck it, I just should stay, you've already ruined my fucking weekend...bitches.
(Lucious Morgan applauds as Bruno ignores the pleas of his tag team partners.)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Judge Death and Morgan don't seem upset, sure they have an advantage, but they still have to face two very capable warriors. (into his IFB) What's this? This match could result in a disqualification?
Former prowrestling.com internet reporter Matt Boone: I've got it right here in the rule book, Guillermo.
Guillermo O'Bannon: That's not a rule book, that's a childrens placemat from Denny's and you failed to complete the maze on the back.
Phil Blauer: Dibs on the Jumble.
Former prowrestling internet reporter Matt Boone: (continues reading) Rule 427A: In a scaffold match involving groups of two or more every participant must set foot on the scaffold, failure to do so will result in a count out unless previous stipulations have been made. No previous stipulations were made! Bruno's gonna cost his team a shot at history!
Guillermo O'Bannon: Referee Ron Reid giving the challengers a chance to sort this out before he begins his count. Let's take a break and be back with more Hardkore action right after this.
**commerical**
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**commercial**
Guillermo O'Bannon: During the break Ron Reid, Tony Thunder, and Big Stan explained to Bruno the consequences. Stan and Tony are following Bruno up the ladder.
Phil Blauer: They probably told him to go first, that way if he fell one of those two could catch him. Truth be told, they ain't catchin' a cold. Bruno falls and he'll die. Die, I tell ya!
"Wild" Bill Kasal: “Introducing, first, the challengers. At a combined weight of 930lbs, STAN ‘THE TANK’ WILSON, ‘THE EXTREMIST’ TONY THUNDER, & The man simply known as BRUNO!!!!”
(The crowd cheers)
“And their opponents, escourted to the ring by their managers Lucious Morgan and Judge Death, at a combined weight of 685lbs, they are the Hardkore World 6 Man Tag Team Champions...Jeremiah Vastrix...Hardkore World West Coast Champion The Shootfighter...and Tarrasque!!!
(Bruno's the first to reach the scaffold. On all fours he slowly crawls part way to the center of the catwalk. Tony Thunder and Stan Wilson stand behind their partner. Referee Ron Reid calls for the bell from the floor below.)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Bruno is a master of every WWE finisher on television today. He can do it all, from the Angle Slam to the Worm. A lot of good that'll do him on all fours 90 feet about the ring here tonight.
Phil Blauer: He can almost do a stinkface. Oooh, how about that JYD head butt thing? He could probably do that if somebody got down there with him.
("The Extremist" Tony Thunder springboards off Bruno, taking Tarrasque down with a leg lariot.)
DING DING
Guillermo O'Bannon: Shootfighter and Jeremiah Vastrix attempt a double clothesline on Wilson. Stan no sells!
(Stan grabs a fist full of hair from both men.)
Guillermo O'Bannon: He's got them both, but Vastrix with a shin strike to the back of Big Stan's leg! Shootfighter with a shin strike of his own! Another! Both men working to take the the big man's legs out.
(Stan puts both men in a Pat Patterson Death Lock.)
Phil Blauer: I bet if I had Jonnie by the nuts instead of the other way around I wouldn't be "asked" to work late.
Guillermo O'Bannon: Wilson lifting both men in the air by their butcher, baker, and candlestick makers! What an incredible show of strength from the Alabama Body Slama!
(Stan releases Vastrix, then lifts Shootfighter above his head with both hands. Vastrix, gasping for air, turns and walks into a Thunder Kick.)
CRACK!
Guillermo O'Bannon: Attention dentists. Just send the bill to Warhammer Corp c/o Lucious Morgan.
Phil Blauer: This could be it for Shootfighter. Stans about to send the Thai Giant head first through 50 some odd tables.
Yolanda Ando: It's fucked up that once he falls from that catwalk he'll get to go home, while they fucking expect you to work another match.
Phil Blauer: I make it easy on them. They could've told me to come in later. Did I really need to be here for Xyrynth versus Vagabond?
(The crowd goes nuts as Wilson military presses Shootfighter. After the third rep Tarrasque dives, hitting a desparation shoulder block taking Stan's legs out from under him.)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Big Stan drops Shootfighter!!
(Shootfighter rolls towards the edge)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Shootfighter catches himself before he rolls too far. All 6 men still safe. Nervous as all get out, but still safe.
Phil Blauer: Bruno still on all fours. He hasn't moved and it doesn't look like he' plans on moving any time soon.
Guillermo O'Bannon: Bruno a definate non factor in this match. He makes for a good coffee table right now and that's it.
(Thunder hooks Vastrix in a cobra sleeper.)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Wilson and Tarrasque are trading shots like somebody fucking went there.
(Shootfighter hits a Muy Thai fist strike to Wilson's kidney. Tarrasque and Shootfighter set The Tank up for a double suplex.)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Big Stan blocks their insane attempt at a double suplex. Tony releases his sleeper and delivers a punt like side kick to Tarrasque's rib cage.
Former prowrestling.com internet reporter Matt Boone: Anything vomited by that height would dicipate into a summer shower.
Phil Blauer: Sounds refreshing.
Guillermo O'Bannon: Almost. God's Gift sneaks up behind Thunder and grab his throat, pulls The Extremist backwards by his throat over his knee, bouncing the back of Thunder's head off the catwalk like a check to a prostitute.
Phil Blauer: Wilson fighting his opponents off with chops and forearms. He's just biding time, hoping for a mistep.
Guillermo O'Bannon: A Rob Petrie like fall over the proverbial ottoman could change things drastically.
Phil Blauer: There's one guy who would have gotten that reference, but Hudson's House is now Hudson's Nursing Home. Shootfighter and Tarrasque trying to get the big man over in a double suplex again.
(They lift him part way up, then have to return him to the plank.)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Jeremiah Vastrix looks like he's attempting a figure four-no, wait. He stomps Thunder's ankle like he's making wine. Extreme wine.
(The crowd pops huge as Big Stan finally takes that double suplex, crashing down hard on the catwalk. One of the strings holding the scaffold to the ceiling breaks shifting everything to the right. Tony Thunder and Tarrasque crash through 50 some odd tables to the floor below. Wilson grabs ahold of the plank at the broken corner, Vastrix grabs the corner opposite. Shootfighter has Big Stan by his big left leg. The crowd breaks into a chant of "HARD-KORE WORLD!! HARD-KORE WORLD!! HARD-KORE WORLD!!HARD-KORE WORLD!! HARD-KORE WORLD!!")
Guillermo O'Bannon: Bruno's bearhugging the scaffold. He's using his entire seven foot frame, both arms, and both legs.
(The crowd continues to chat "HARD-KORE WORLD!! HARD-KORE WORLD!! HARD-KORE WORLD!! HARD-KORE WORLD!! HARD-KORE WORLD!!")
Guillermo O'Bannon: From the shadows Blak Lung is attacking Tony Thunder with Shootfighter's stainless steel singapore cane! He got there before medical personel!
Phil Blauer: 911 is a joke.
(Thunder, laying face down in the wreckage, takes stinging cane strikes from Black Lung. Jeremiah Vastrix tries to pull himself up while Shootfighter climbs up Big Stan's big back.)
Former prowrestling.com internet reporter Matt Boone: According to my Denny's place mat Vastrix, Wilson, Shootfighter, and of course Bruno are all still in this contest. For those of you keeping score at home Tarrasque and Tony Thunder were eliminated pretty close to the exact same time.
Guillermo O'Bannon: Blak Lung pulls Thunder up and hits a snap suplex into that press table junkyard at ringside. He's back up quick and returns to beating Tony Thunder's body with that steel cane.
(Vastrix pulls himself up to his stomach, then swings his legs up on the plank.)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Wilson can do nothing but hold on for dear life as Shootfighter continues to climb his way back up on the catwalk.
(Blak Lung slowly pulls a rusty wire hanger out from his waist band and wraps it around his fist.)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Blak Lung using that hanger like brass knuckles, pounding the thunder from Tony's head. The Gahanian psychopath now stabbing Tony Thunder's forehead with the pointed ends of the wire hanger!! Security needs to get that kid away from ringside and into an ambulance immediately!
(On the scaffold Vastrix catches his breath. Shootfighter extends a hand and calls for help.)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Tony Thunder uselessly wipes the blood from his eyes, but it just keeps coming. His slick black hair slowly becoming an extreme shade of red.
(Black Lung whips Thunder into the ringside fence, the quickly follows punch to his head.)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Blak Lung continuing to bludgeon Thunder with that wire hanger wrapped around his fist. Thunder fighting back! Tony Thunder fighting back! The fans squarely behind him was they sing the opening to AC/DC's "Thunderstruck" over and over again.
(Tony Thunder and Black Lung continue to trade punches at ringside.)
Guillermo O'Bannon: BEAST TRAIN!!! Tarrasque drives Tony Thunder into the ringside fence with his beast train!!
(Shootfighter extends his hand to Vastrix again who again ignores him. Vastrix stomps on Stan's fingers, forcing him to let go.)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Wilson holding on with only his left hand! That's not only his weight, he's got Shootfighter hanging on his back!
Phil Blauer: Shootfighter does not want to go through those tables! Vastrix doesn't want to hear it!
(When Vastrix lifts his leg to crush the fingers on Wilson's left hand, Big Stan brings his right hand up and grabs Vastrix's ankle. He lets go of the catwalk.)
Guillermo O'Bannon: I can't beleive what I just saw.
(The crowd breaks into a chant of "Oh My God, Oh My God, Oh My God".)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Jeremiah Vastrix, The Shootfighter, and Big Stan just fell through 50 some odd tables.
"Wild" Bill Kasal: The winners of this match and NEW HARDKORE WORLD 6 MAN TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS....STAN "THE TANK" WILSON, "THE EXTREMIST" TONY THUNDER, AND BRUNO!!!!!!
Phil Blauer: Bruno's still holding on to the scaffold!!! He's the only one that didn't fall!!
Guillermo O'Bannon: ...uh, he ain't comin' down. We're gonna need a fire truck.
Phil Blauer: (takes off his headsets) Ok, well that's it! I'm outtie! Tell Jonnie if he needs me, I'll be at Paris Hilton's Cinco De Mayo party. We're gonna be having doritos. Just like Mexicans do.
Guillermo O'Bannon: Phil!
(The ring crew puts the finishing touches on stranding the barbed wire across the ropes. Hardkore World ring crew foreman Test makes sure everything is up to professional wrestling barbed wire match code. former prowrestling.com internet reporter Matt Boone shows up with his lunch box)
former prowrestling.com internet reporter Matt Boone: (saluting) Matt Boone, reporting for duty.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Whatever, Boone. Just stay outta my way. I’m in a bad mood to begin with that Phil gets to take off, and I don’t. It’s totally unfair! How come I never get to throw tantrums and get my way?
former prowrestling.com internet reporter Matt Boone: Cause your the lowest guy on the totem pole here, next to Hero?
Guillermo O’Bannon: I am not! I’ve been here since 1997!! I got tenure. I gotta be like third or fourth down.
former prowrestling.com internet reporter Matt Boone: Sorry to say, Mr. O’Bannon. Sources close to my confidential locker room snitch, Tony Thunder tell me that your political status in Hardkore World hovers in between Jonnie’s Frosty the Snowman lawn ornament and Cobryn’s Narrator.
Guillermo O'Bannon: (shakes his fist) That snowman’s trying to edge me out for years. Well maybe one day, the hunted will be come the hunter?
former prowrestling.com internet reporter Matt Boone: Rumor has it that has just as good a chance as William Regal getting a pop anywhere but England and England related subsidiaries.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Now, get the rain slickers on, it's about to get bloody. Cobryn has tried to get Kilroy to cancel this match at a house show in Hardkore Northeast. He's tried to wear a wetsuit. But none of that matters now that it is time for our main event of the evening. Kilroy Evans, who has provided fans all over the globe with some of the greatest barbed wire matches in history, takes on Hardkore America Champion Cobryn in just such a match.
former prowrestling.com internet reporter Matt Boone: My money's on Cyrus.
Guillermo O'Bannon: Cobryn.
former prowrestling.com internet reporter Matt Boone: We're not supposed to telegraph the run-ins, Guillermo. See, says so right here on my hand.
Guillermo O'Bannon: That looks to be tuna salad.
former prowrestling.com internet reporter Matt Boone: Right, tuna's for not telegraphing the run-ins. Jelly is for "Don't talk to Brandi, no matter how tight my pants feel, her stuff's rotten".
Guillermo O'Bannon: I wondered who's been getting in to my lunch. I always figured it was Big Stan. Kilroy and Cobryn have wrestled before in Ultimate Wrestling Alliance and Ascendent Wrestling in a few matches. In those matches, Kilroy became the first man to kick out of The Answer, Cobryn was the first to ever make The Attbury Assassin submit to The Bridge Over Key Largo. But never before have they been surrounded by a football field worth of the most evil invention since camera phones.
("Spiderbait" by Black Betty plays and Albuquerque leaps to their feet to cheer on their hero, Kilroy Evans. He comes out waving to the fans, slapping as many hands as he can, and letting them touch the Hardkore World Tag Team title belt slung over his shoulder)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Kilroy Evans can't wait to not only to tear his hated enemy Cobryn to shreds on that horrible wire, but win the Hardkore America title that alluded him throughout his feud with Death Gojira.
former prowrestling.com internet reporter Matt Boone: That's gotta stick in his craw. Like when Billy Gunn realizes that he’s going to look like Dick Murdoch soon, yet he’ll still walk backwards to the ring.
Yolanda Ando: Kilroy Evans wears one of the sexiest form-fitting black Bloodhound Gang shirts this baby blues have ever seen. Plus his blue jeans show off that cute little butt of his, let me see if I can get a word with him...
Guillermo O'Bannon: That's really not neccesary, Yolanda...
Yolanda Ando: Mr. Evans... KILROY!!!
Kilroy Evans: Uh...yes? I'm kinda in the middle of something here.
Yolanda Ando: So this thing with Emily...is it like serious?
(Kilroy Evans shakes his head and rolls under the barbed wire like a pro)
Guillermo O'Bannon: What was that about?
Yolanda Ando: I'm hard up, Guillermo. Back to you.
“Wild” Bill Kasal: “The following Barbed Wire Match is the Main Event of the evening. It is scheduled for one fall, a 30 minute time limit, and is for the HARDKORE AMERICA HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPIONSHIP!! Your referee is Ron Reid. Featuring first, from Attbury, South Carolina; Standing 5 feet 11 inches tall; Weighing 253 pounds; He is One Half of the HARDKORE WORLD TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS...KILROY EVANS!!!”
(“No Quarter” by Led Zepplin plays and University Arena boos. Cobryn steps out and is nearly knocked back by the wave of hate. He grins, then starts walking down to the ring. But Kilroy Evans rolls out of the ring and runs up the aisle to meet him halfway)
former prowrestling.com internet reporter Matt Boone: Kilroy deliberately depriving those of us who are curious how tall Cobryn is.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy hammering Cobryn in the aisleway, throwing his four foot long cape over his head and punching the blinded champion! Ron Reid has signaled for the bell to begin this match, so I guess we’re underway. Kilroy steps back and roundhose kicks Cobryn with the cape still covering his face!
(The crowd is on their feet, loudly cheering Kilroy as he bearhugs him in the aisle. Kilroy walks back to the security rail and hotshots Cobryn’s throat on the railing)
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy Evans lifts Cobryn up in a suplex and then drops his stomach on the guardrail!! An overzealous fan hands Kilroy a chair...
former prowrestling.com internet reporter Matt Boone: That was no overzealous fan, that was the Runaway Bride!!
Guillermo O’Bannon: At any rate, Kilroy clubs Cobryn over the head with the chair while he’s slumped over the railing!! Kilroy tears Cobryn’s cape off and begins choking him with it!
(Kilroy braces his knee against Cobryn’s head and gives him a great big tug back. Cobryn’s eyes bug out, and he writhes around, trying to escape. Ron Reid pleads with Kilroy to take it inside the ring)
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy Evans leans him against the ringpost. He backs up and spears Cobryn into the ringpost!!
(Cobryn’s head bangs against the ringpost and he crumples to the University Arena floor. Kilroy Evans climbs up to the apron, and gets a running start)
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy Evans elbow drops Cobryn from off the apron!!
(Albuquerque cheers, especially the Truth or Consequences contingency. The fans chant “KIL-ROY!! KIL-ROY!! KIL-ROY!! KIL-ROY!! KIL-ROY!!” Kilroy pulls Cobryn’s head into his legs, but Cobryn blocks the piledriver and backdrops him on the concrete)
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cobryn grabs the ringbell off of Ron De La O’s table. Cobryn bashes Kilroy in the face with the ringbell!!
(Crowd boos, and Cobryn brings the timekeeper’s bell down across his neck! He hiptosses Kilroy Evans over the railing into the front row. Kilroy’s sneakers kick a girl wearing a Xyrynth t-shirt in the face on the way over)
Guillermo O’Bannon: Their now fighting in the crowd, with Cobryn battering Kilroy in the face with short, quick jabs. They are opening up a cut Kilroy has over his eye from that ring bell. Kilroy responds with a soupbone of a right hand, and a stiff jab of his own. Cobryn tosses a fat guy with a “Bring Back Gorgeous Greg” sign into Kilroy.
former prowrestling.com internet reporter Matt Boone: Cobryn not only assaulting a fan, but the very lifestyle of us Dutch wrestling enthusiasts. What we lack in numbers, we make up for in sheer dedication. I’ve dressed as former Hardkore World Light Heavyweight Champion Randy “Rock & Roll” Carter for DutchWresCon 5 years now, non-consecutive. But you wanna know what everyone says to me during the bus ride over?
Guillermo O’Bannon: Not at all.
former prowrestling.com internet reporter Matt Boone: “Nice Elvis get-up.” People just don’t get it. If I weren’t a bed wetting pacifist, I would walk right over there and thrash Cobryn for bullying those who’s only sin is loving the simple art of Dutch wrestlers with flamboyant versions of American gimmicks. But it’s like Partyman Pete once said, when life’s problems get to you- “Wooo!!”
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cobryn catches Kilroy off balance with a thumb to the eye, and a then he steps over the railing. He grabs Kilroy and hits a rude awakening, smacking the back of Kilroy’s head on the guardrail!!
(Cobryn pulls Kilroy over the railing, back into the ring area. He grabs a chair from a fan and takes a swing at Kilroy, but Kilroy catches the chair. The fans come alive)
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy wrestles that chair away from Cobryn, and Cobryn skidaddles out of there. Kilroy chases him around the ring with that chair!
former prowrestling.com internet reporter Matt Boone: Cobryn better get into the barbed wire ring...where it’s safe.
(Cobryn slides underneath the barbed wire, into the ring. He catches the back of his calf on the barbed wire and cuts himself. He get up and waits for Kilroy)
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cobryn beats the already bloody Kilroy down with some kicks and then rolls over him with neck snap! Cobryn goes for a piledriver, but Kilroy reverses it into an alabama slammer!
(Kilroy suplexes Cobryn up and drops him into a falcon arrow! The crowd pops as Ron Reid slides into position)
Referee Ron Reid: 1...2...(Cobryn gets his shoulder up)
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy Evans turns him over into a boston crab. He clutches his hands together and bends Cobryn’s legs backward.
(Cobryn reaches out for the rope and catches his hand on the barbed wire. He shakes his hand in pain, before Kilroy yanks back on his legs again. Cobryn plants his hands into the mat and pushes his legs out of his hands. Kilroy gets to his feet and charges ahead)
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cobryn catches him in a 180 spinning spinebuster!!
Referee Ron Reid: 1...2...(Cobryn releases his legs and gets up to applaud for himself)
(The crowd boos and throws trash and cups into the ring. Cobryn mockingly bows to them. Cobryn turns around and catches a three finger thrust into his throat. He covers his throat)
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy Evans belly to belly suplexes Cobryn across the ring!! OHH!! He almost hit that barbed wire. He came within a hair of losing alot of skin there!
(Cobryn scoots away from the barbed wire, and wipes his forehead in relief. Evans follows him in with a jumping roundhouse, which Cobryn ducks. He gets under Kilroy’s legs and lifts him up in a gory special)
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cobryn walks him backwards over to the barbed wire with a sick grin on his face. He nods and then pitches Kilroy forward facefirst in the barbed wire from the gory special!!!
(Kilroy’s face hits every barbed wire strand on the way down! He clutches the deep lacerations in his cheek and starting again over his eye. Blood runs through his fingers, causing many women in the crowd to scream)
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cobryn walks over to him and rakes Kilroy’s face back & forth across the barbed wire!! Kilroy is a disgusting mess already! Cobryn side headlocks Kilroy, squeezing as much blood out of him as he can.
(Kilroy works his way back to his feet with Cobryn still hanging on to his head. Cobryn gives a hard yank, trying to pull Kilroy’s head off. Kilroy positions Cobryn in front of the barbed wire, and then pushes him off but Cobryn baseball slides under the barbed wire to avoid it. Albuquerque groans at the near miss, then really get on Cobryn’s case as he starts to leave)
former prowrestling.com internet reporter Matt Boone: Cobryn taking a powder. Sources close to the story say that he was none too pleased about being booked in a barbed wire match with Kilroy. He’s told friends he was promised an arm wrestling challenge with Bruno on this show resulting in an arm injury angle to explain his vacation to Aruba.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Is Cobryn really walking out here? Who does he think he is? Phil?
(Kilroy Evans comes up from behind Cobryn and german suplexes him in the aisleway!! The crowd pops and Cobryn crawls back to the ring, clutching his neck. A bloody Kilroy Evans is hot on his tail. He pulls Cobryn into his legs)
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy Evans piledrives him on the University Arena floor!! He rolls Cobryn underneath the barbed wire, back in to the ring. Kilroy enters the ring and t-bone suplexes him across the ring!
(Cobryn begs off, pleading with Kilroy not to throw him into the barbed wire. The crowd urges Kilroy to mutilate the American Champion. Kilroy looks to the crowd, nodding in anticipation)
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cobryn hits Kilroy low and tosses him headfirst into the barbed wire!! Kilroy has a peice stuck in his eyebrow, ew, he tore it out by hand! Cobryn sits on Kilroy’s back and applies a Cobryn Clutch!
(Cobryn digs his nails into Kilroy’s cuts and tears them open, while pulling back on his head. Ron Reid checks in to see if Kilroy submits. Evans shakes his head, and Cobryn scratches his face some more)
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cobryn pulls him up into a hanging suplex. He drops Kilroy’s ankles on the barbed wire and slingshot suplexes him!
former prowrestling.com internet reporter Matt Boone: One drawback to wearing sneakers in the ring, is no protection of the ankles.
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cobryn applies a rear naked choke! Kilroy turning red, as Cobryn clamps down on his windpipe. Kilroy Evans drops down to his knees and drives his head into Cobryn’s cheekbone! Kilroy applies a chicken wing crossface, and wraps up their legs. He pitches Cobryn facefirst into the barbed wire!!!
(The University Arena is deafening as the crowd celebrates the hated Cobryn finally getting a tatse of the barbed wire!! Cobryn rolls around, clutching his face. The fans start singing “Kil-roy’s gonna kill you... Kil-roy’s gonna kill you... Kil-roy’s gonna kill you... Kil-roy’s gonna kill you... Kil-roy’s gonna kill you...”)
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cobryn staggers up to his feet, with some color running down his face. Kilroy Evans spears him into the barbed wire!!
(Cobryn’s arms and shoulders have blood running from brand new deep lacerations, courtesy of The Attbury Assassin. The Albuquerque crowd chants “KIL-ROY!! KIL-ROY!! KIL-ROY!! KIL-ROY!! KIL-ROY!!” He sits on top of Cobryn and sinks his teeth into Cobryn’s forehead, making one of his cuts even worse)
former prowrestling.com internet reporter Matt Boone: Kilroy’s goatee is sickeningly covered in blood. He looks like something out of 28 Days Later!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy double underhooks Cobryn’s arms but Cobryn reverses it into a fireman’s carry. He airplane spins him round & round, then tosses him into the barbed wire with a Cobtox!!
(The crowd boos, and Kilroy writhes around the mat, painting the canvas with his blood. Cobryn presses him over his head)
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cobryn drops him into The Bad Touch!! He makes the pin with a handful of Kilroy’s jeans!
Referee Ron Reid: 1...2...(Kilroy Evans kicks out)
Guillermo O’Bannon: A bleeding Cobryn lifts him up into an inverted crucifix. He runs to the barbed wire, but Kilroy falls forward into an inverted facelock. He drops him into a falling neckbreaker!
Referee Ron Reid: 1...2...(Cobryn gets his shoulder up)
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy Evans sticks his fingers in Cobryn’s cut and tears it open, wider & wider. Cobryn’s screams fill University Arena. He pulls his head into his legs and powerbombs him into the center of the ring!
(Kilroy Evans sits on Cobryn’s back and camel clutches him. He digs his nails into Kilroy’s deep cuts, making new blood ooze across Cobryn’s face. Ron Reid checks in to see if he submits, but Cobryn just shrieks & yells in agony. Kilroy releases the Cobryn Clutch and straddles over top of him. He grabs Cobryn by his pink stained hair and begins battering him in the face with rapid fire headbutts)
former prowrestling.com internet reporter Matt Boone: He’s gonna kill him!! Kilroy is bludgeoning Cobryn with his skull, liquifying his face!
Guillermo O’Bannon: Kilroy continuing to headbutt a limp and unconcious Cobryn until Cobryn brings his knee up into Kilroy’s groin. Cobryn gets to his feet and running double kneelifts Kilroy in the face!
(Cobryn straightjackets Evans arms and then uses his own arms to german suplex him and then cradle him with his own wrists)
Referee Ron Reid: 1...2...(Kilroy Evans gets his shoulder up)
Guillermo O’Bannon: Cobryn applies a standing reverse figure four leglock! He adds an ankle lock into the mix. Kilroy Evans grimacing in pain as the thousands in attendance here in New Mexico are urging him to hang on.
former prowrestling.com internet reporter Matt Boone: Kilroy trying to stave off the intense pain he is experiencing, so that he and I will have the momentum going into our mixed tag team match with Cobryn & Narrator.
Guilllermo O'Bannon: What?
former prowrestling.com internet reporter Matt Boone: That's right, coming up in San Diego is one of the most anticipated Wrestler & Person With No Business in the Ring tag team match since Gene Okerland & The Hulkster teamed up against Mr.Fuji & George Wallace.
Guillermo O'Bannon: George Steele.
former prowrestling.com internet reporter Matt Boone: Don't sweat the small stuff, G Man.
Guillermo O'Bannon: I don't see Jonnie booking that.
former prowrestling.com internet reporter Matt Boone: Jonnie's gonna learn one day to stop fighting it and just accept what Vince & Bischoff have been telling us we want for years. Backstage personnel going through the motions of three weeks of wrestling training. You gotta see my fireman's carries, Guillermo. They're a thing of beauty.
Guillermo O'Bannon: Cobryn wrenching Kilroy's foot to the side...
former prowrestling.com internet reporter Matt Boone: You have to see the vignettes Kilroy and I have taped. That'll sell you. There's the one where he trains me. I had heart palpatations when I tried to do a jumping jack, so we had stand-ins do most of my calastenics.
Guillermo O'Bannon: Pretty sad when John Goodman is one of your stand-ins.
former prowrestling.com internet reporter Matt Boone: He was a doll for doing that. The one where I give up but Kilroy talks me out of it brought a tear to Jonnie's eye. Well, his assistant's eye. Kilroy calls me his Matty Boom Batty.
Guillermo O'Bannon: Kilroy reaching out for the ropes...(Matt tries to get his Matty Boom Batty t-shirt in the shot) Get that out of my face, Boone! Cobryn releases the inverted figure four, and then rakes his bootlace against Kilroy Evans' cut.
(Cobryn lays a couple stomps to Kilroy's head. He backs up and waits for Kilroy to get to his feet. He rushes him but Kilroy catches him in a powerslam! The fans jump to their feet, and Kilroy hooks his leg)
Referee Ron Reid: 1...2...(Cobryn kicks out)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Kilroy Evans picks Cobryn up and sidewalks slams his back into the barbed wire!! Blood leaks out of the slits it leaves in his back and Cobryn drops to his knees, begging for mercy! Kilroy doesn't fall for it this time and irish whips him hard into the turnbuckles!
(The force flips Cobryn upside down, and Kilroy arranges him into a tree of woe. Kilroy then runs and spears Cobryn hard in the guts. Cobryn staggers up to his feet and Kilroy rushes him)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Kilroy Evans hops on Cobryn's back with a reverse thez press and piggybacks him into the barbed wire!!
(The University Arena delights in seeing Cobryn's face cut and shredded. Kilroy climbs to the top rope)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Kilroy Evans comes off the top with an elbow, but Cobryn rolls out of the way!! A blood drenched Cobryn gets up on rubbery legs and gut wrenches Kilroy up on his shoulder into a ganso bomb!! He rests his boots on the ropes for added leverage!
Referee Ron Reid: 1...2...thr...(Kilroy Evans gets his shoulder up)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Cobryn drops an elbow across Kilroy's bloody head. He pulls him up and tigerplexes him!!
Referee Ron Reid: 1...2...(Kilroy Evans rolls his shoulder up)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Cobryn pulls him up and irish whips him into the barbed wire. Kilroy puts the brakes on, Cobryn follows him in and gets a big boot to the head for his trouble!
(Kilroy Evans salutes the cheering fans and applies a cobra clutch! Cobryn waves his arms around frantically looking for some escape. Kilroy pulls back on Cobryn's arm, and presses down with all his might on the back of the neck)
"Wild" Bill Kasal: "Twenty Minutes Have Elapsed; 10 Minutes Remaining."
Guillermo O'Bannon: Kilroy Evans clamping down on Cobryn's head, trying to knock him out with it like he did to Death Gojira in San Diego. Ron Reid lifts Cobryn's arm and it falls limply to his side. The ref lifts the champ's arm again, and again, it falls.
(The crowd is at a fever pitch as Ron Reid picks up Cobryn's arm. Cobryn uses the last of his strength to push off, pitching Kilroy's back into the barbed wire)
Guillermo O'Bannon: Cobryn hits The Answer!! He covers Kilroy with both feet on the ropes!
Referee Ron Reid: 1...2...3!!!
(University Arena boos and jeers, as "No Quarter" by Led Zepplin plays. Kilroy and Cobryn bleed next to one another, with no clear indication of a winner or loser)
"Wild" Bill Kasal: "At 20 minutes 52 seconds; THE WINNER OF THE MATCH, AND STILL HARDKORE AMERICA HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION...COBRYN!!!"
Guillermo O'Bannon: Cobryn used whatever he had left, to push Kilroy into that dreaded barbed wire, and hit The Answer! He has persevered in one of the most dangerous matches in the World against one of the most dangerous people in the World.
(Ron Reid lays the Hardkore America Heavyweight title over Cobryn's chest. Soda cups, water bottles, and wadded up peices of paper fly into the ring as "No Quarter" continues to play through University Arena)
Guillermo O'Bannon: But does can that same perseverence save him when he heads to San Diego to take on Death Gojira in a falls count anywhere match!?! Find out! When presumably Phil...
former prowrestling.com internet reporter Matt Boone: Or me!
Guillermo O'Bannon: Depending on if Phil still works here, or Matt. See you in San Deigo, back at the Cox Arena!
(Shot fades out on a bloody & unconcious, yet victorious champion, with the belt laying over his heaving chest)