Post by Visit Neom on Oct 17, 2022 8:07:38 GMT -5
FOOTAGE COURTESY OF HARDKORE WORLD
(We see Disney World on a sweltering hot day. The camera moves down a snaking line until we reach the very last person in it, a middle aged man in a Cowboys jersey. He stands there arms crossed as his four screaming children run around in circles. Next to him is an electronic sign that reads RISE OF THE RESISTANCE WAIT TIME: 95 MINUTES.)
Angry Man: I’ve just about had it. What kind of restaurant doesn’t have sweet tea? I pay all this money and have to add my own sweetener. Damn Canadian pavilion, I bet that waitress snuck into our country. Now I have to suffer in this heat?
(Marty Donovan, wearing Hawaiian shorts and a Hartford Yard Goats t-shirt approaches with a big grin on his face.)
Marty: Excuse me, sir. What are you doing?
Angry Man: What does it look like, pal? I’m sweating to death.
Marty: But that mind blowing, air conditioned Star Wars ride is right there. Why don’t you just go in and cool off?
Angry Man: Are you stupid, boy? Do you not see the giant line?
Marty: Sorry, I haven’t heard that word before. How do you say it? Line? Oh, my apologies. I thought you were a VIP like me who can just walk up to any ride.
(Marty points to his special pin and then leans in to whisper.)
Marty: Want to know a secret?I don’t even like this ride. I don’t like ANY of the rides. We could be doing tractor loops around an Arby’s for all I care. It is the fact that you’re going to be standing out here, sweaty and furious, for another 90 minute. That is the only thrill I need.
(Marty wanders off into the distance, pouring his complimentary bottled water on the ground. The angry man lets out a wild scream. The shot changes to a Marty interview in the front of Cinderella’s castle.)
Marty: My name is Marty Donovan. I’m a two time Hardkore World light heavyweight champion, a Hardkore Helloween Cup winner, and I once got to hold a baby penguin. I was recently hired by Disney to cross promote their projects at wrestling shows. It has been a huge hit.
(We see footage of Marty dressed as Uncle Owen making his way to the ring with a pitcher of blue milk. He does the HHH mist spray and the crowd boos. The shot changes to a backstage area of Disney World. We see a plucky, twenty-something blonde woman. She is dressed in the flannel vest and pencil skirt of a Disney employee. The blonde is singing to herself and rearranging employee magnets on a white board so that her name lines up with Marty’s tour.)
Ollie: Hey Marty! You’re so fine! Wealthy himbo gonna be mine! Hey…
( She suddenly notices the camera and has a deer in headlights look.)
Ollie: No filming backstage!
(The shot changes to an interview with the woman in front of EPCOT.)
Ollie: My name is Olivia Oldham and I work as VIP tour guide at Disney World. I chauffeur important guests from the hotels to the parks and make sure they get expedited access to the attractions. It is a ten hour shift, but that is why they pay me the big bucks…16 dollars an hour. You’ll often spend time around celebrities in this job, but you can’t get starstruck. You have to maintain professional boundaries.
(The shot shows a Splash Mountain souvenir photo. Marty and the other guests on the ride are screaming in excitement. Olivia has her head on Marty's shoulder and is looking at him lovingly, completely unaware that the log is about to go over the cliff. We then see a still image of Marty at a Cinderella photo op, Ollie has frantically wedged herself in between them and is elbowing the princess in the face. Finally, we see a framed photo on the wall of The Lady & The Tramp Italian restaurant. Olivia is meticulously making sure both forks have the same strands of pasta on them. In the background Marty screams at a bartender who has cut him off after 4 beers. We cut back to the interview.)
Ollie: Celebrities are just people like you and me. They're not muscular meal tickets. Why would you even suggest something like that?
Camera Man: Uh, we didn't.
(There is an awkward pause. The shot changes to Ollie driving an SUV while Marty rides in the back counting money. Only Wanna Be With You by Hootie & The Blowfish plays at a suspiciously loud volume on the radio.)
Ollie: So I’m really trying to figure out my next move. Living with three girls and four cats is getting old. Our landlord is a total prick too.
Marty: Sorry, I zoned out there. You were talking about some sort of Game of Thrones character, the lord of lands?
Ollie: No, a landlord. You pay to live in their place temporarily.
Marty: A hotel.
Ollie: No, it is much smaller and dirtier.
Marty: A four star hotel.
(The shot changes to the Kilimanjaro Safari in Animal Kingdom. Marty and Olivia ride in the back of a giant safari bus as a tour guide points out various African animals. Marty now appears depressed and keeps glancing at his phone.)
Ollie: Everything okay, babe? You usually love to heckle the giraffes.
Marty: I’m not thrilled with the job Disney HQ just ordered me to do. Apparently, there is a racing league in North Carolina that is infringing on our copyright.
Ollie: You mean they play Disney songs at the track or something?
Marty: No, they drive cars. You’re not allowed to do that without paying Pixar.
Ollie: I had no idea.
Marty: Yeah, they have ignored numerous cease and desist letters, so now I have to push an old lady down a staircase.
Ollie: What!?! Marty you can’t.
Marty: I would never. I hate touching old people, they are all wrinkly.
(The shot zooms out and we see George Lucas seated across from them.)
George: May I offer a suggestion?
Marty: Am I tripping? That giraffe sounds like Kermit.
(Ollie turns Marty’s head so he sees George.)
George: You don’t need to destroy this racing league, you need to embrace it. Fast cars are the heart and soul of America. We invented them. Their impact was so profound that they changed mating rituals for decades. There is a really well directed film on this topic called American Graffiti.
Marty: You have a good point. Disney should sponsor a racer and dominate this cocky little league. It would be great advertising. Wait, imagine if I led a race team to victory. That would make me a champion in two sports! I'd be a cuter Gene Conley!
George: I’ve been around hot rods all my life and would be happy to help in the garage! Retirement has been tough on me. Honestly, I was planning to jump out of this bus and be mauled to death by the lions.
Marty: Olivia here would be a great racer. She’s the best chauffeur I know.
Ollie: Racing is different though. I don’t have any experience at that. My degree is in fine arts for crying out loud.
(Marty clasps her hands and looks the woman in the eyes.)
Marty: Please, Ollie. It would mean the world to me.
(Olivia's face turns bright red. The shot jump cuts to her in a fancy garage watching CAR highlights on a laptop. The woman is horrified as she sees clip after clip of cars using flamethrowers and buzz saws on each other. In the background, Marty supervises a team as they put the finishing touches on a Lightning McQueen replica. George Lucas walks into the frame with a mug of coffee and watches the footage over her shoulder.)
George: Do you know what this is?
Ollie: A huge mistake?
(George gives her a pat on the shoulder then looks into the camera with a sly grin.)
George: Where the fun begins.
(The shot fades to black as Ollie looks nervous.)
(We see Disney World on a sweltering hot day. The camera moves down a snaking line until we reach the very last person in it, a middle aged man in a Cowboys jersey. He stands there arms crossed as his four screaming children run around in circles. Next to him is an electronic sign that reads RISE OF THE RESISTANCE WAIT TIME: 95 MINUTES.)
Angry Man: I’ve just about had it. What kind of restaurant doesn’t have sweet tea? I pay all this money and have to add my own sweetener. Damn Canadian pavilion, I bet that waitress snuck into our country. Now I have to suffer in this heat?
(Marty Donovan, wearing Hawaiian shorts and a Hartford Yard Goats t-shirt approaches with a big grin on his face.)
Marty: Excuse me, sir. What are you doing?
Angry Man: What does it look like, pal? I’m sweating to death.
Marty: But that mind blowing, air conditioned Star Wars ride is right there. Why don’t you just go in and cool off?
Angry Man: Are you stupid, boy? Do you not see the giant line?
Marty: Sorry, I haven’t heard that word before. How do you say it? Line? Oh, my apologies. I thought you were a VIP like me who can just walk up to any ride.
(Marty points to his special pin and then leans in to whisper.)
Marty: Want to know a secret?I don’t even like this ride. I don’t like ANY of the rides. We could be doing tractor loops around an Arby’s for all I care. It is the fact that you’re going to be standing out here, sweaty and furious, for another 90 minute. That is the only thrill I need.
(Marty wanders off into the distance, pouring his complimentary bottled water on the ground. The angry man lets out a wild scream. The shot changes to a Marty interview in the front of Cinderella’s castle.)
Marty: My name is Marty Donovan. I’m a two time Hardkore World light heavyweight champion, a Hardkore Helloween Cup winner, and I once got to hold a baby penguin. I was recently hired by Disney to cross promote their projects at wrestling shows. It has been a huge hit.
(We see footage of Marty dressed as Uncle Owen making his way to the ring with a pitcher of blue milk. He does the HHH mist spray and the crowd boos. The shot changes to a backstage area of Disney World. We see a plucky, twenty-something blonde woman. She is dressed in the flannel vest and pencil skirt of a Disney employee. The blonde is singing to herself and rearranging employee magnets on a white board so that her name lines up with Marty’s tour.)
Ollie: Hey Marty! You’re so fine! Wealthy himbo gonna be mine! Hey…
( She suddenly notices the camera and has a deer in headlights look.)
Ollie: No filming backstage!
(The shot changes to an interview with the woman in front of EPCOT.)
Ollie: My name is Olivia Oldham and I work as VIP tour guide at Disney World. I chauffeur important guests from the hotels to the parks and make sure they get expedited access to the attractions. It is a ten hour shift, but that is why they pay me the big bucks…16 dollars an hour. You’ll often spend time around celebrities in this job, but you can’t get starstruck. You have to maintain professional boundaries.
(The shot shows a Splash Mountain souvenir photo. Marty and the other guests on the ride are screaming in excitement. Olivia has her head on Marty's shoulder and is looking at him lovingly, completely unaware that the log is about to go over the cliff. We then see a still image of Marty at a Cinderella photo op, Ollie has frantically wedged herself in between them and is elbowing the princess in the face. Finally, we see a framed photo on the wall of The Lady & The Tramp Italian restaurant. Olivia is meticulously making sure both forks have the same strands of pasta on them. In the background Marty screams at a bartender who has cut him off after 4 beers. We cut back to the interview.)
Ollie: Celebrities are just people like you and me. They're not muscular meal tickets. Why would you even suggest something like that?
Camera Man: Uh, we didn't.
(There is an awkward pause. The shot changes to Ollie driving an SUV while Marty rides in the back counting money. Only Wanna Be With You by Hootie & The Blowfish plays at a suspiciously loud volume on the radio.)
Ollie: So I’m really trying to figure out my next move. Living with three girls and four cats is getting old. Our landlord is a total prick too.
Marty: Sorry, I zoned out there. You were talking about some sort of Game of Thrones character, the lord of lands?
Ollie: No, a landlord. You pay to live in their place temporarily.
Marty: A hotel.
Ollie: No, it is much smaller and dirtier.
Marty: A four star hotel.
(The shot changes to the Kilimanjaro Safari in Animal Kingdom. Marty and Olivia ride in the back of a giant safari bus as a tour guide points out various African animals. Marty now appears depressed and keeps glancing at his phone.)
Ollie: Everything okay, babe? You usually love to heckle the giraffes.
Marty: I’m not thrilled with the job Disney HQ just ordered me to do. Apparently, there is a racing league in North Carolina that is infringing on our copyright.
Ollie: You mean they play Disney songs at the track or something?
Marty: No, they drive cars. You’re not allowed to do that without paying Pixar.
Ollie: I had no idea.
Marty: Yeah, they have ignored numerous cease and desist letters, so now I have to push an old lady down a staircase.
Ollie: What!?! Marty you can’t.
Marty: I would never. I hate touching old people, they are all wrinkly.
(The shot zooms out and we see George Lucas seated across from them.)
George: May I offer a suggestion?
Marty: Am I tripping? That giraffe sounds like Kermit.
(Ollie turns Marty’s head so he sees George.)
George: You don’t need to destroy this racing league, you need to embrace it. Fast cars are the heart and soul of America. We invented them. Their impact was so profound that they changed mating rituals for decades. There is a really well directed film on this topic called American Graffiti.
Marty: You have a good point. Disney should sponsor a racer and dominate this cocky little league. It would be great advertising. Wait, imagine if I led a race team to victory. That would make me a champion in two sports! I'd be a cuter Gene Conley!
George: I’ve been around hot rods all my life and would be happy to help in the garage! Retirement has been tough on me. Honestly, I was planning to jump out of this bus and be mauled to death by the lions.
Marty: Olivia here would be a great racer. She’s the best chauffeur I know.
Ollie: Racing is different though. I don’t have any experience at that. My degree is in fine arts for crying out loud.
(Marty clasps her hands and looks the woman in the eyes.)
Marty: Please, Ollie. It would mean the world to me.
(Olivia's face turns bright red. The shot jump cuts to her in a fancy garage watching CAR highlights on a laptop. The woman is horrified as she sees clip after clip of cars using flamethrowers and buzz saws on each other. In the background, Marty supervises a team as they put the finishing touches on a Lightning McQueen replica. George Lucas walks into the frame with a mug of coffee and watches the footage over her shoulder.)
George: Do you know what this is?
Ollie: A huge mistake?
(George gives her a pat on the shoulder then looks into the camera with a sly grin.)
George: Where the fun begins.
(The shot fades to black as Ollie looks nervous.)