Post by Visit Neom on Oct 17, 2022 8:28:45 GMT -5
(We open on a bruised Marty Donovan killing time in a Belfast airport gift shop.)
Marty: They have tons of Titanic merch. James Cameron must have vacationed here when he dreamed up that boat.
(Marty inspects a replica sailor hat before looking at some Titanic snow globes.)
Marty: How often can you wear the hat though? It is funny for like the first ten minutes of the pool party. The snow globe is classier. It would look great on her desk during golden hour.
(Marty flips over the globe and grimaces at the price.)
Marty: The hat is nicer. She’ll love the hat.
(Marty grabs a few magnets that show a leprechaun riding a sheep.)
Marty: These are for Poena and his crew. Figure I best stay on the good side of a fire cult.
(He grabs one more magnet.)
Marty: Can’t forget Yorlik.
(Marty’s phone beeps and he checks it. He collapses backwards and knocks over the display. Marty then makes snow angels in the spilled magnets and cries like a baby.)
Marty: I got the rematch with Syberus. It took 16 long years, but the vision board worked!
(Marty fumbles through his suitcase and grabs a collage. The Heavyweight Championship is pasted in the center. To the left is an illustration of the Israel and Palestine flags being carried by a peace dove. To the right is the movie poster for Jungle Cruise with a “2” crudely written after the title. Marty, dressed in a Party City Tarzan costume, is added to the cast shown.)
Marty: I willed this into existence!
( Marty stands up and wipes the tears from his eyes.)
Marty: We have a long flight. You guys get whatever you want. My treat!
( Recording equipment is carelessly tossed to the ground as various Valentines scurry for food. Marty motions to get someone's attention.)
Marty: Jackie! Grab that snow globe I was looking at!
(Marty grins as the underpaid crew shops. He only then notices the TV on the wall. His expression turns to horror. The Queen is dead.)
Marty: OH, GIVE ME A FUCKING BREAK!
(Marty grabs a bag of Doritos. He rips it open and empties the contents on the floor before using the bag to steady his breathing. Andy Valentine Junior, carrying a basket of food, walks into frame. Marty grabs him by the shirt collar.)
Marty: Did your carny uncle know about this? He had 96 years to book this match and it just happens to be the day the fucking queen dies? He’s trying to sabotage me!
Andy: What do you mean?
Marty: This is Rocky IV! Syberus is fighting for a fallen friend. He’ll have a wave of public support. Fuck! Where was my match when Estelle Harris died? I’d love to win the big one for Mrs.Costanza. We could have had a special entrance with the hospital curtain silhouettes.
(Marty notices the basket and yanks out a House of the Dragon magazine.)
Marty: HBO! Are you trying to get me fired? Put everything back. I’m buying one bag of smart food and you’ll all just have to share.
(Marty stomps down the aisle, Doritos and magnets crunching under his feet. We cut to outside the Haunted Mansion at Disney World. Marty, now dressed in an all black suit, bows his head.)
Marty: Syberus, my condolences on the passing of your #ladyboss. As a yank, I will never understand her significance or why you people love queues so much. Did you know the wait was nine times as long as the line for Frozen Ever After? Becks didn’t even get to meet Olaf.
( Marty shakes his head and walks by various prop tombstones.)
Marty: Standing outside in the cold for twelve hours can’t be healthy, especially not at your age. Luckily I’ve conjured a little Disney magic, so that you can grieve at lighting lane speed. Now just sit back, relax, and get over this shit already.
(Marty approaches a casket draped in a Union Jack beach towel, guarded by four Mary Poppins chimney sweeps.)
Marty: I’m sure this loss lights a fire inside you, a fighting spirit that can withstand multiple Dis-knees to the face. It fuels a desire to win against all odds. Let go of those feelings, Syb. They aren’t healthy and they aren't fair to your best friend. Me. Marty Donovan.
(Marty looks off into the distance nostalgically.)
Marty: Remember the old days? Cobryn used to attach a MCU post credit scene to every one of your promos. Bear would ghost write strats for the #1 contender. Honkey Tonk Man mocked you after Pun hired him for what has to be history’s first Cameo video. Nobody ever treated you with an ounce of respect. Nobody except for Thomas Haven’s biggest fan, Martin Andrew Donovan.
(The chimney sweeps move their brushes and allow Marty to approach the casket.)
Marty: I was always the first person to celebrate your achievements. Others would claim your wins were flukes and the losers were actually better. Never me. I was always 100% behind 110% Syberus. It is only fair then for you to get over this death already and not enter our match with any unearned momentum.
(Marty opens the casket. Inside is the animatronic concertina player from the Pirates of the Caribbean ride, wearing a plastic Cinderella tiara. Marty chokes back fake tears.)
Marty: It is hard to see her like this. Hell, it is hard to see you like this. These days we’re lucky if we can even get a 55% Syberus. I saw how much pain you were in after our tag match. Last month you even struggled to get by generic middle eastern heel #8678. The wheels are falling off.
(The animatronic pirate starts to sing “Yo Ho” and Marty quickly closes the casket.)
Marty: This isn’t easy to hear, but it is time to pass the torch. Your career is winding down and I’m entering my prime. Everyone knows that this “match” will end with you in a bloody heap. Check the archives, no man has pinned or submitted me since the reboot. This streak isn’t going to be ended by somebody who now resembles a dad from Riverdale.
(Expat employees dressed as traditional English bartenders and wenches file in to pay their respects.)
Marty: Retiring from wrestling will be a big change, but don’t fret. Your pal Marty has already arranged you a gig at EPCOT’s United Kingdom Pavilion. We’ll be coworkers again! Picture me signing autographs for adoring fans while you prepare chips, how cool is that? You also have an open invitation to swing by “The Sun Room” anytime you’d like. I’m sure we could get two whole episodes out of your career given the record number of times you’ve lost the title.
(A Captain Hook costume mascot wraps themselves around the casket in sorrow. Alice and Cruella De Ville have to drag them away.)
Marty: Actually, I think my Soutter interview won’t be cleared, so I’d appreciate it if I could get a third pod out of you. We can talk about the Munich air disaster or britpop or whatever you want.
(Marty lays a wreath by a commemorative painting of Syberus putting Spooky Doom in a five minute headlock as fans head for the exits. Queen Elizabeth proudly watches on as a force ghost.)
Marty: Don’t worry, Tommy. Winning the title won’t change me one bit. I will be the same humble guy. Heck, I’ll even let you say a few parting words to the Hardkore World faithful after you put the championship around my stomach. Now, to sum up her Majesty's incredible life, please welcome her first prime minister!
(Phil Blauer, dressed as FDR in a wheelchair, rolls into the frame. An EPCOT employee tries to stop Phil, but he shoves past them.)
Phil: How dare you say I made a mistake. Hours were spent studying Yalta Conference photos to make sure this costume is historically accurate. Get out of my way.
(Phil clears his throat and speaks in a bad cockney accent.)
Phil: I, whose youth was passed in the august, unchallenged and tranquil glories of the Victorian Era, may well feel a thrill in invoking, once more, the prayer and the Anthem, God Save The Queen!
(The crowd begins to sing God Save The Queen as Marty turns to the camera.)
Marty: I hope we were able to provide a little closure tonight, Syberus. After all, in Phoenix I’ll be giving you a new loss to mourn.
( The shot fades out as the crowd sings and Phil waves the Australian flag for some reason.)
Marty: They have tons of Titanic merch. James Cameron must have vacationed here when he dreamed up that boat.
(Marty inspects a replica sailor hat before looking at some Titanic snow globes.)
Marty: How often can you wear the hat though? It is funny for like the first ten minutes of the pool party. The snow globe is classier. It would look great on her desk during golden hour.
(Marty flips over the globe and grimaces at the price.)
Marty: The hat is nicer. She’ll love the hat.
(Marty grabs a few magnets that show a leprechaun riding a sheep.)
Marty: These are for Poena and his crew. Figure I best stay on the good side of a fire cult.
(He grabs one more magnet.)
Marty: Can’t forget Yorlik.
(Marty’s phone beeps and he checks it. He collapses backwards and knocks over the display. Marty then makes snow angels in the spilled magnets and cries like a baby.)
Marty: I got the rematch with Syberus. It took 16 long years, but the vision board worked!
(Marty fumbles through his suitcase and grabs a collage. The Heavyweight Championship is pasted in the center. To the left is an illustration of the Israel and Palestine flags being carried by a peace dove. To the right is the movie poster for Jungle Cruise with a “2” crudely written after the title. Marty, dressed in a Party City Tarzan costume, is added to the cast shown.)
Marty: I willed this into existence!
( Marty stands up and wipes the tears from his eyes.)
Marty: We have a long flight. You guys get whatever you want. My treat!
( Recording equipment is carelessly tossed to the ground as various Valentines scurry for food. Marty motions to get someone's attention.)
Marty: Jackie! Grab that snow globe I was looking at!
(Marty grins as the underpaid crew shops. He only then notices the TV on the wall. His expression turns to horror. The Queen is dead.)
Marty: OH, GIVE ME A FUCKING BREAK!
(Marty grabs a bag of Doritos. He rips it open and empties the contents on the floor before using the bag to steady his breathing. Andy Valentine Junior, carrying a basket of food, walks into frame. Marty grabs him by the shirt collar.)
Marty: Did your carny uncle know about this? He had 96 years to book this match and it just happens to be the day the fucking queen dies? He’s trying to sabotage me!
Andy: What do you mean?
Marty: This is Rocky IV! Syberus is fighting for a fallen friend. He’ll have a wave of public support. Fuck! Where was my match when Estelle Harris died? I’d love to win the big one for Mrs.Costanza. We could have had a special entrance with the hospital curtain silhouettes.
(Marty notices the basket and yanks out a House of the Dragon magazine.)
Marty: HBO! Are you trying to get me fired? Put everything back. I’m buying one bag of smart food and you’ll all just have to share.
(Marty stomps down the aisle, Doritos and magnets crunching under his feet. We cut to outside the Haunted Mansion at Disney World. Marty, now dressed in an all black suit, bows his head.)
Marty: Syberus, my condolences on the passing of your #ladyboss. As a yank, I will never understand her significance or why you people love queues so much. Did you know the wait was nine times as long as the line for Frozen Ever After? Becks didn’t even get to meet Olaf.
( Marty shakes his head and walks by various prop tombstones.)
Marty: Standing outside in the cold for twelve hours can’t be healthy, especially not at your age. Luckily I’ve conjured a little Disney magic, so that you can grieve at lighting lane speed. Now just sit back, relax, and get over this shit already.
(Marty approaches a casket draped in a Union Jack beach towel, guarded by four Mary Poppins chimney sweeps.)
Marty: I’m sure this loss lights a fire inside you, a fighting spirit that can withstand multiple Dis-knees to the face. It fuels a desire to win against all odds. Let go of those feelings, Syb. They aren’t healthy and they aren't fair to your best friend. Me. Marty Donovan.
(Marty looks off into the distance nostalgically.)
Marty: Remember the old days? Cobryn used to attach a MCU post credit scene to every one of your promos. Bear would ghost write strats for the #1 contender. Honkey Tonk Man mocked you after Pun hired him for what has to be history’s first Cameo video. Nobody ever treated you with an ounce of respect. Nobody except for Thomas Haven’s biggest fan, Martin Andrew Donovan.
(The chimney sweeps move their brushes and allow Marty to approach the casket.)
Marty: I was always the first person to celebrate your achievements. Others would claim your wins were flukes and the losers were actually better. Never me. I was always 100% behind 110% Syberus. It is only fair then for you to get over this death already and not enter our match with any unearned momentum.
(Marty opens the casket. Inside is the animatronic concertina player from the Pirates of the Caribbean ride, wearing a plastic Cinderella tiara. Marty chokes back fake tears.)
Marty: It is hard to see her like this. Hell, it is hard to see you like this. These days we’re lucky if we can even get a 55% Syberus. I saw how much pain you were in after our tag match. Last month you even struggled to get by generic middle eastern heel #8678. The wheels are falling off.
(The animatronic pirate starts to sing “Yo Ho” and Marty quickly closes the casket.)
Marty: This isn’t easy to hear, but it is time to pass the torch. Your career is winding down and I’m entering my prime. Everyone knows that this “match” will end with you in a bloody heap. Check the archives, no man has pinned or submitted me since the reboot. This streak isn’t going to be ended by somebody who now resembles a dad from Riverdale.
(Expat employees dressed as traditional English bartenders and wenches file in to pay their respects.)
Marty: Retiring from wrestling will be a big change, but don’t fret. Your pal Marty has already arranged you a gig at EPCOT’s United Kingdom Pavilion. We’ll be coworkers again! Picture me signing autographs for adoring fans while you prepare chips, how cool is that? You also have an open invitation to swing by “The Sun Room” anytime you’d like. I’m sure we could get two whole episodes out of your career given the record number of times you’ve lost the title.
(A Captain Hook costume mascot wraps themselves around the casket in sorrow. Alice and Cruella De Ville have to drag them away.)
Marty: Actually, I think my Soutter interview won’t be cleared, so I’d appreciate it if I could get a third pod out of you. We can talk about the Munich air disaster or britpop or whatever you want.
(Marty lays a wreath by a commemorative painting of Syberus putting Spooky Doom in a five minute headlock as fans head for the exits. Queen Elizabeth proudly watches on as a force ghost.)
Marty: Don’t worry, Tommy. Winning the title won’t change me one bit. I will be the same humble guy. Heck, I’ll even let you say a few parting words to the Hardkore World faithful after you put the championship around my stomach. Now, to sum up her Majesty's incredible life, please welcome her first prime minister!
(Phil Blauer, dressed as FDR in a wheelchair, rolls into the frame. An EPCOT employee tries to stop Phil, but he shoves past them.)
Phil: How dare you say I made a mistake. Hours were spent studying Yalta Conference photos to make sure this costume is historically accurate. Get out of my way.
(Phil clears his throat and speaks in a bad cockney accent.)
Phil: I, whose youth was passed in the august, unchallenged and tranquil glories of the Victorian Era, may well feel a thrill in invoking, once more, the prayer and the Anthem, God Save The Queen!
(The crowd begins to sing God Save The Queen as Marty turns to the camera.)
Marty: I hope we were able to provide a little closure tonight, Syberus. After all, in Phoenix I’ll be giving you a new loss to mourn.
( The shot fades out as the crowd sings and Phil waves the Australian flag for some reason.)