BONE-LAND. [00] THE ROAD TO GASTROMANIA
Feb 18, 2023 10:15:21 GMT -5
Mongo the Destroyer, Venom đ·, and 4 more like this
Post by mosler on Feb 18, 2023 10:15:21 GMT -5
How many millenniums did he spend in that tar pit, taunted by the sky above? Oh how he raged to one day eat the stars, yes, consume the entire sky! Gravity still mocks its prisoner, but at least when earthbound victim is sucking down cotton candy he can pretend they are clouds.
âTumbleweedâ Bill Stokes: Bonesy, weâll have plenty of time eat after â first we need to get to your match.
An impossibly elderly cowboy wrangles his best friend, a malevolent dracolich hell-bent on the destruction of all life via slow cooker, around the midway. A recent snowfall makes it scenic, but hasnât helped attendance for the Hobb Farm Annual Winter Fair. Without any lines to drool on, the lack of crowds make it much more difficult to distract the beast from the many confectionaries. Still salvation is in sight, the grand stand â nowhere else in these farm grounds to stage a professional wrestling match. Pulling out a Dinosnack â Stokes uses it to guide Dinosaur Bones the last twenty feet â where they are greeted by a slightly more excitable southern stereotype in a ten-gallon hat.
J.R. Lupei: âbout time! Here I was ready to give up on you boys!
âTumbleweedâ Bill Stokes: Sorry mister Lupei â there was a lemon festival a few farms up, and you know Bonesy.
Dinosaur Bones: MUCH BLOOD WAS SPILT THIS DAY!
J.R. Lupei: Well get to the stage, theyâre about to start!
âTumbleweedâ Bill Stokes: By the way, your assistant was a bit lax on the details, who you got Bones wrestling?
J.R. Lupei: Wrestle? This grease monkey? Oh no, this here is more his line of work.
âTumbleweedâ Bill Stokes: Well sir, I believe weâve had a miscommunication...
J.R. Lupei: Look, the Tsunami is going to be in this match. He rarely shows up to these small time events, but it's a preliminary for Gastromania â so heâs keeping up appearances. He isnât going to expect a challenger like your boy here.
Dinosaur Bones: BRING ON THIS FREAK OF NATURE; HE WILL SOON BE MAKING WAVES IN MY BELLY!
J.R. Lupei: I donât want you to eat him, just embarrass him. Thatâs why Iâm sponsoring you. Tsunami thinks heâs the GOAT, but no country eats the way the good olâ US of A does â that title should belong to America!
Dinosaur Bones: SPARE ME YOUR CRYPTIC BOASTS, FLESHLING. WHERE IS THE AGREED UPON SACRIFICE?
J.R. Lupei (waving his arm at the stage): Itâs a competitive eating contest!
Dinosaur Bones (dead lights in his ocular cavities narrow in shock): ...thatâs a thing?
The very existence of the dracolich disproves the existence of a positive afterlife, but if heaven was real, Dinosaur Bones is now starring at it. His massive tail almost knocking over Tumbleweed and J.R. The beast charges up on stage, and starts scarfing down hotdogs.
Bernard Kim: Whoa there big guy, the contest hasnât started yet.
The audience, other contestants, and everyone else laughs hard enough at the ravenous dracolich that he looks up from his plate.
Takeru Kobayashi: â(This is why I donât work the boonies.)â GIVE HIM A HEAD START.
More laughter. Bones doesnât like this at all. A young woman whose sash suggests she was just declared âMiss Hobbs Farmâ helps the Dracolich to his seat. A few other large men sit between him and Takeru Kobayashi, the greatest hot dog eater the world has ever known. The MC takes to the foreground...
Bernard Kim: Our last contestant â Dinosaur Bones â comes to us via the good people at MOTHER Energy Drinks. Nice suit pal. And here I thought, that I was overdressed...
Fortunately for Kim, Bones is too fixated on the plate of hot dogs in front of him to notice the continued ridicule.
Takeru Kobayashi: â(Iâve got to cut the ribbon on a supermarket in Poughkeepsie.)â MAY THE BEST MAN WIN.
Bernard Kim: You heard the champ, without further adieu- letâs get this show on the road!
DING! DING! DING!
Pam Oveldeen sizes up a hotdog. Chuck McGursky shoves three in his mouth. Dinosaur Bones inhales two. Takeru Kobayashi is checking out the competition. Oveldeen bites from the centre, folding the dog before shoving it in. McGursky finds that it is hard to inhale with three in his mouth at once, and is forced to chew. Bones inhales another one. Kobayashi calmly puts on a bib. Oveldeen breaks a second dog in two, then a third. Still chewing, Chuck is pretty sure these arenât regulation-sized wieners. Bones almost eats Miss Hobb Farms, but she steps back quickly enough that he continues to clear his plate. Kobayashi finally begins, and in a matter of seconds scarfs down five. McGurksy decides to go for two this time, instead of three. Oveldeen starts to stack dogs for her particular style. Bones inhales another four. Kobayashi knocks back eight like they were cocktail weenies. Oveldeen manages to cram in three more, but her approach is starting to lag. Wanting to keep up with the champion, Chuck forces five into his mouth at one time â immediately chokes, but just keeps eating. Bones is oblivious to the others and inhales another six like they were a small ape child. Kobayashi casually eats twelve to prove a point. Chuck falls over in his chair. Paramedics check on him, but heâs still eating. Pam forces down another four â but looks light headed. After another six passes, Chuck finally gets back upright, while Pam taps out. Bones starts eating the table until they bring him another plate of hotdogs. Kobayashi continues to show patience and cunning, with the scoreboard proudly displaying his 53 to Bones pathetic 48. Unable to read ape, but understanding directions from Tumbleweed in the crowd â Bones starts to shove tiny handfuls of hotdogs in his mouth. Bones crams as many hotdogs in as his small T-rex arms can handle. Soon the numbers start climbing 55, 60, 65 â dwarfing the world championâs number.
Then it happens.
A hotdog falls out of his mouth.
Eating like an undead dinosaur these things happen, but even if more food goes in that gapping maw than comes out, it still doesnât count. Then a second one falls out. A third. What is happening? Miss Hobbs Farm points out that they donât count. Realizing that he is losing food, Bones start grabbing dogs and shoving them back in â only for every one he throws back, three fall out. Is he broken?
DING! DING! DING!
Bones is too distracted trying to figure out the physics of keeping things inside him to pay attention to the contest being over.
Bernard Kim: With his second heart attack, Mister McGursky has been disqualified. With two contestants remaining, our hero, Takeru Kobayashi has consumed 61 hot dogs-
MASSIVE POP!
Bernard Kim: While the remaining challenger, Dinosaur Bones... only managed to keep down 41 hot dogs.
"Tumbleweed" Bill Stokes: Well... shoot.
J.R. Lupei (throwing ten gallon hat on the floor): Damn it Bones, I had money on this!
Winner: Takeru Kobayashi
The sharp tone of Lupei brings Bones back into the moment, just in time to see Kobayashi handed a trophy labelled âHobbs Farm Biggest Stomach.â Bones has won multiple championships without being aware of them, but it is only at this moment that he has ever coveted gold. How? The dracolich looks stunned.
Takeru Kobayashi: â(Donât quit your day job. Whatever that is.)â Great effort!
Out eaten. As Kobayashi grabs a giant novelty cheque, and races off to his ribbon cutting ceremony, Bones sits at the table completely numb.
.............What just happened?
âTumbleweedâ Bill Stokes: Bonesy, weâll have plenty of time eat after â first we need to get to your match.
An impossibly elderly cowboy wrangles his best friend, a malevolent dracolich hell-bent on the destruction of all life via slow cooker, around the midway. A recent snowfall makes it scenic, but hasnât helped attendance for the Hobb Farm Annual Winter Fair. Without any lines to drool on, the lack of crowds make it much more difficult to distract the beast from the many confectionaries. Still salvation is in sight, the grand stand â nowhere else in these farm grounds to stage a professional wrestling match. Pulling out a Dinosnack â Stokes uses it to guide Dinosaur Bones the last twenty feet â where they are greeted by a slightly more excitable southern stereotype in a ten-gallon hat.
J.R. Lupei: âbout time! Here I was ready to give up on you boys!
âTumbleweedâ Bill Stokes: Sorry mister Lupei â there was a lemon festival a few farms up, and you know Bonesy.
Dinosaur Bones: MUCH BLOOD WAS SPILT THIS DAY!
J.R. Lupei: Well get to the stage, theyâre about to start!
âTumbleweedâ Bill Stokes: By the way, your assistant was a bit lax on the details, who you got Bones wrestling?
J.R. Lupei: Wrestle? This grease monkey? Oh no, this here is more his line of work.
âTumbleweedâ Bill Stokes: Well sir, I believe weâve had a miscommunication...
J.R. Lupei: Look, the Tsunami is going to be in this match. He rarely shows up to these small time events, but it's a preliminary for Gastromania â so heâs keeping up appearances. He isnât going to expect a challenger like your boy here.
Dinosaur Bones: BRING ON THIS FREAK OF NATURE; HE WILL SOON BE MAKING WAVES IN MY BELLY!
J.R. Lupei: I donât want you to eat him, just embarrass him. Thatâs why Iâm sponsoring you. Tsunami thinks heâs the GOAT, but no country eats the way the good olâ US of A does â that title should belong to America!
Dinosaur Bones: SPARE ME YOUR CRYPTIC BOASTS, FLESHLING. WHERE IS THE AGREED UPON SACRIFICE?
J.R. Lupei (waving his arm at the stage): Itâs a competitive eating contest!
Dinosaur Bones (dead lights in his ocular cavities narrow in shock): ...thatâs a thing?
THE ROAD TO GASTROMANIA
The very existence of the dracolich disproves the existence of a positive afterlife, but if heaven was real, Dinosaur Bones is now starring at it. His massive tail almost knocking over Tumbleweed and J.R. The beast charges up on stage, and starts scarfing down hotdogs.
Bernard Kim: Whoa there big guy, the contest hasnât started yet.
The audience, other contestants, and everyone else laughs hard enough at the ravenous dracolich that he looks up from his plate.
Takeru Kobayashi: â(This is why I donât work the boonies.)â GIVE HIM A HEAD START.
More laughter. Bones doesnât like this at all. A young woman whose sash suggests she was just declared âMiss Hobbs Farmâ helps the Dracolich to his seat. A few other large men sit between him and Takeru Kobayashi, the greatest hot dog eater the world has ever known. The MC takes to the foreground...
Bernard Kim: Our last contestant â Dinosaur Bones â comes to us via the good people at MOTHER Energy Drinks. Nice suit pal. And here I thought, that I was overdressed...
Fortunately for Kim, Bones is too fixated on the plate of hot dogs in front of him to notice the continued ridicule.
Takeru Kobayashi: â(Iâve got to cut the ribbon on a supermarket in Poughkeepsie.)â MAY THE BEST MAN WIN.
Bernard Kim: You heard the champ, without further adieu- letâs get this show on the road!
Hobbs Farm
Hot Dog Eating Contest
Dinosaur Bones vs. Chuck McGursky vs. Pam Oveldeen vs. Takeru Kobayashi
DING! DING! DING!
Pam Oveldeen sizes up a hotdog. Chuck McGursky shoves three in his mouth. Dinosaur Bones inhales two. Takeru Kobayashi is checking out the competition. Oveldeen bites from the centre, folding the dog before shoving it in. McGursky finds that it is hard to inhale with three in his mouth at once, and is forced to chew. Bones inhales another one. Kobayashi calmly puts on a bib. Oveldeen breaks a second dog in two, then a third. Still chewing, Chuck is pretty sure these arenât regulation-sized wieners. Bones almost eats Miss Hobb Farms, but she steps back quickly enough that he continues to clear his plate. Kobayashi finally begins, and in a matter of seconds scarfs down five. McGurksy decides to go for two this time, instead of three. Oveldeen starts to stack dogs for her particular style. Bones inhales another four. Kobayashi knocks back eight like they were cocktail weenies. Oveldeen manages to cram in three more, but her approach is starting to lag. Wanting to keep up with the champion, Chuck forces five into his mouth at one time â immediately chokes, but just keeps eating. Bones is oblivious to the others and inhales another six like they were a small ape child. Kobayashi casually eats twelve to prove a point. Chuck falls over in his chair. Paramedics check on him, but heâs still eating. Pam forces down another four â but looks light headed. After another six passes, Chuck finally gets back upright, while Pam taps out. Bones starts eating the table until they bring him another plate of hotdogs. Kobayashi continues to show patience and cunning, with the scoreboard proudly displaying his 53 to Bones pathetic 48. Unable to read ape, but understanding directions from Tumbleweed in the crowd â Bones starts to shove tiny handfuls of hotdogs in his mouth. Bones crams as many hotdogs in as his small T-rex arms can handle. Soon the numbers start climbing 55, 60, 65 â dwarfing the world championâs number.
Then it happens.
A hotdog falls out of his mouth.
Eating like an undead dinosaur these things happen, but even if more food goes in that gapping maw than comes out, it still doesnât count. Then a second one falls out. A third. What is happening? Miss Hobbs Farm points out that they donât count. Realizing that he is losing food, Bones start grabbing dogs and shoving them back in â only for every one he throws back, three fall out. Is he broken?
DING! DING! DING!
Bones is too distracted trying to figure out the physics of keeping things inside him to pay attention to the contest being over.
Bernard Kim: With his second heart attack, Mister McGursky has been disqualified. With two contestants remaining, our hero, Takeru Kobayashi has consumed 61 hot dogs-
MASSIVE POP!
Bernard Kim: While the remaining challenger, Dinosaur Bones... only managed to keep down 41 hot dogs.
"Tumbleweed" Bill Stokes: Well... shoot.
J.R. Lupei (throwing ten gallon hat on the floor): Damn it Bones, I had money on this!
Winner: Takeru Kobayashi
The sharp tone of Lupei brings Bones back into the moment, just in time to see Kobayashi handed a trophy labelled âHobbs Farm Biggest Stomach.â Bones has won multiple championships without being aware of them, but it is only at this moment that he has ever coveted gold. How? The dracolich looks stunned.
Takeru Kobayashi: â(Donât quit your day job. Whatever that is.)â Great effort!
Out eaten. As Kobayashi grabs a giant novelty cheque, and races off to his ribbon cutting ceremony, Bones sits at the table completely numb.
.............What just happened?